Been here. I used the theorys and got my wife back although I wouldn't marry her unless she stopped her addiction(I went and picked her up from om house when she od 3 years ago). You don't have to read my older posts, they are kind of embarrassing. She never quit taking pills. I didn't continue my loving ways and things went back to death again. I got her back, used my money to buy her pills(I know that was wrong), lost my job, got a DWI and had a midlife crisis (depressed badly)all soon after I got her back.
Well, now I have gotten another job with a house and bills paid(i am a golf pro), my wife had a job a the course but got fired last summer, she was arrested 4 times and had to move. The city put a restraining order against her. She moved in with her parents who tried to stop the drugs. They pretty much do not like her. They have custody of her child now. I thought about it and broke off the relationship Feb 15th when she screamed at me to get her pills which I would not do. She chased me and begged me back and talked me into visiting her last wed. We had sex and then she started begging me to marry her again, I am sure to get her out of her parents house. Said she needed secruity. Said she would stop the pills and get a job. I caught her in a lie about another man friday (went on a trip with 1st other man to see her father, said she went by herself)and would not go get her for the weekend (she has no car) somehow she went out and met someone else and moved in with him over the weekend. They left the state on some kind of a vacation. I sure he has drugs for her but I don't really know. She called and said that she met someone new and my heart sank and I have been sad ever since. Why, you ask-I don't know. I know that she is a bad person. This is a true story, I swear it. She looks so sweet and innocent but I know that she is an addict and a liar. She has stolen from me, sold my stuff for drugs. I have a friend and a mother that I talk to about this but writing on this board really helps. I think that I still love the girl even though I know she is bad for me. I had a problem with calling her names when I get mad at her before and I know that is my bad. I am sad and really just want to stop hurting. I know that this is a divorce busting board but I need some help getting over my ex. I have her on my insurrance which I pay for as my wife. I have to get a divorce for the insurance company to take her off. She has to take about $500 worth of meds a month to live. She will never be able to pay for them without the insurance, but the new guy can pay. I was doing fine until I had sex with her. I was actually considering getting back together with her. This just blindsided me. I sound dumb but I have my Masters degree. What is wrong with me. Why can I not let her go?
I packed up some of her stuff and took it to her parents house yesterday. They did not want it and told me to sell or throw away the rest of her stuff so I am stuck with it. I know the steps-focus on my own life, become a better person and I am starting but dang it. I think I have an addiction to this person. I can't live with her and I am sad as hell without her. Co-dependent. I am not suicidal like I was last time we broke up but still sad. I know time will help. I need something quicker. I can remind myself of the bad things only so many times a day to keep myself from missing her. She was so mean the other day when she called(she was with new man). I ask her how the heck she could have sex with me wed and move in with someone else two days later. She hung up. He could hear what I was saying. She will lie and say it wasn't true. But I don't understand how she could do that. Beg me to marry her and two days later hook up with someone else. She says he treats her with respect and she is going to marry him. That she wasted the last 11 years of her life with me. That stuff really hurts me and I don't know why. I can read my own posts and know that I should be happy as a lark that she is gone but I am not. I am emotional. I am not ugly and can get other dates. I just don't want to and I know that I am not ready.
Sorry you find yourself here again. if she is activelly using pills she aint thinking clearly or at all. What pills does she abuse? Time to re read DR I think.
I don't contact her. I don't know how. I blocked her from my facebook and I don't look at hers. She puts things on there to hurt me. She says that the only time that I pay her any attention or act like I care is when I think she likes someone else. Then, I come running back. Well, I don't want to do that this time. I don't like that loop and I am better than that. I wanted to spend my life with this person but she had to make some changes and she was just not willing to do it. I just wanted the pills to quit and for her to get a job. Any job. She used to teach but she can't anymore because of the drugs. Why do people miss someone even though they know that they are bad. Yeah, she is attractive and has a good body and can be really sweet. She can really talk a good game. Her parents say that she is a master manipulator(sp) which I guess is true. I wanted to believe that she wanted only me, wanted to grow old with me and couldn't live without me. I just can't make myself except the truth. She uses me. And, she will be back. She always comes back. I want to be mentally and emotionally prepared to keep her away from me.How do you do that. I haven't found a book or website on that. How do you become a stronger person and quit loving someone that I do thinks loves me but she doesn't love herself and certainly doesn't care about me. She even left her child with her parents (told me the child was in good hands). I think that is awful. It seems like I am in another bad dream.
hydrocodon, soma and pretty much any prescription drug that she can. You are right. She is not thinking clearly. She does this all the time. She goes awhile being good and then she falls off the wagon and does the strangest things like got married to a guy she just met, wreaked 5 cars and gets arrested.
Par--to answer your question about how to let someone you love go...you just do. You wake up and say I deserve more, I want more, and dang it, I am worthy of being loved. When we get so sucked in to the other's world, we lose sight of what is right and healthy for us. I don't have all the right answers, I just know what I need and want from a relationship.
Hope it helps a little.
Par... not sure if you've maybe looked at it this way...
While she has an addiction... and you DO appear to understand that as much as you care about her, you cannot save her... that is something only she can do...
that you TOO have an addiction... which is her...
And so while you know it's not good to enable her... you continue to do so.
I haven't read, but have you checked out any groups such as Al-Anon or coda meetings?
She looked again to you to get her fix... however that might work for you... including begging you to take her back and be in a R again... even having sex with you... (that's called "whoring" BTW)... and when you laid down your boundaries, as you mention, sounds like she got her fix elsewhere...
She sounds deep in it and on a real wild ride right now. And as you describe it, while it may not be outwardly as dramatic as you describe it... it certainly is inwardly, to you... to her... and to anyone who involved with her...
We had one tragedy here last year when a member's spouse committed suicide. No matter how much the member was on suicide watch or knew of the possibility... it happened... I don't want to scare you because there's nothing you could do about preventing it... I'm just trying to point out to you that her death could be a possible outcome of this tragic life she is living...
Save yourself, my friend... start with you... what can you do to pick yourself up and get yourself and your life on an emotionally healthy track?
We can't help or support someone else, if we aren't healthy and stable ourselves...
Yes, Yes, that was a good post. I would agree that I too have an addiction or co-dependance on the need for her to love me. If anything I am downplaying the extremites in her life right now. She is out of control and has no where to go. She is not acting herself at all but I have seen this behavior from her before and it usually ends up with an OD. (5 or 6 times)
I don't particurely enjoy being around her when we are together. She really annoys me much of the time. And sometimes it is great. When I broke it off this time I was doing pretty good because she was begging me back. Well, she went and got another man and now I have done a 180 and I want to beg. I am not. I sent 2 emails a couple of days ago(wrong to do I know). But that will not happen again. I will not have contact with her again. I have to go cold turkey. My addiction is just as bad as hers. It is just as self distructive. I can't eat, work, or do anything without worrying. She might do the suicide thing but I am more likely. Don't worry. I am doing ok right now. But I am very scared that I might start to spiral out of control which I have done in the past. Things just eat me up until I just almost go crazy. I am really scared about it. If I am on this site than things are getting bad for me.
Hey, take care of yourself... sometimes called "self soothing" in what ever works for you... that is healthy... go for walks, go to a movie theatre... a concert... just go for coffee with a friend...
I remember seeing your nic in archives, but don't remember and can't see above... what should I call "her"? Your W? Your X? what would you prefer?
Anyhow, I'll use X for this post.
Take your X out of the equation:
What do you find attractive in people, in general?
What do you find attractive in women?
You are a golf pro? What do you do for FUN!? I mean something that really gets your adrenaline pumping?
Do you have hobbies?
What do you find unattractive in people, in general?
What do you find unattractive in women?
BTW, if you are on this site... then thing are getting BETTER for you...
More like self loothing is what I am doing. You are exactly why I came to this site. The little words of encouragement that you give help so much. It is much easier not looking someone in the eye that I know and saying I still have feelings for this girl then it is to say that to someone that knows us. Because, I am not biased or being mean when I say she has some of the worst problems, caused me the worst problems of anybody on this earth. She really cares about only herself but can make me believe anything. Others see right through her. Her own parents and brothers hate her. I have been bailing her out of trouble for 11 years. It is my addiction that I have to quit or it is going to take me down and down badly.
I read everyones blogs and I don't know if it makes me feel better or more depressed. Love kind of stinks and people are really sorry to the ones they are suppose to love.
Find the stories of reconciliation on this site and also look to the posts of vets who are providing support. Yes, when we are in the middle of it, it really sux... but there really is light at the end of the tunnel... our tunnel...
You will find it in others' stories... and find it for yourself...
I don't even know if I should be on this site. I need help but I need to heal and recover. I don't need to get back with my X. 11 years of hell. She would go on a drug binge about every 6 months and wreak mine and her lives. CPS has even been to our house and taken her kid away from her and gave me custody for 90 days and the child is not even mine. They made her leave and go to her parents.(that was years ago) Now her parents say that she can't live with them. But my marriage or common law marriage is not worth saving and should not be. I need to get away from her before I really destruct.
ok, well we will support you in what ever decision you make. There are certainly those who come here not to save their M, but to get support while they exit their M and get back on their feet, emotionally and otherwise.
While DB is pro M... MWD does not say "at all cost" and generally when there is abuse, that's where the line needs to be drawn.
That could be where your sitch is. Abusive...
So if you choose to move on, we will still help and support you. We roll that way...
If you need to vent or ask questions or get an emotional perk or stoke... we can provide...
a couple "atta-boys" and "way'ta'goes" can go a long way... lol
You had a blip where she came into your life again in a way that triggered something for you... you can move past that and forward...
How IS your life otherwise, these day?
What is going good in your life?
What is going great in your life?
Let us know, maybe you can give us some golf pointers or tell us of some amazing courses you've played... the difference between steel, composite, and aluminium shafts...
Share some GAL activities you've done that you've enjoyed and ask for some thoughts on GAL that someone might be able to suggest something you might like to try, but never thought of...
Again, we'll help you keep your spirits up as you grow through this.
Thanks, my golf game is nonexsistant right now. I feel off the roof last summer and on to my picket fence. They left some wood in my arm and I got a staph infection. I have had 2 surgerys in the last 3 weeks but they think that I am cured of the infection. That is about the best news that I have going in my life right now. I have a girl that wants to date me and I used to like her way before I was married but I think it might be to soon for me. I will probably go to the movies or something with her and just take it really slow. My emotions are out of wack right now-anger(very little), jealous and really just hurt or crushed. The OM thing just gets under my skin so I can relate to some of the other posts on that. Something that you thought was yours isn't anymore. A bond has been broken. But, no, I am not trying to save this, been there, used this site, did the 180, worked like a charm but I didn't follow the "keep improving yourself step" and I had a wife that cared only about how numb she could make herself.
ow... ow, ow, ow... I feel 15ft off a roof a couple years ago... thankfully no fence... geesus oh.. owww...
So long as the lady friend understands your current emotional condition... and yeah, slow... "just friends"... that's fine.
Is she cute?
What's her history? Past M? Never really attached?
Is she cute?
Looked at my emails today. Found one dated April 10th from my ex. It taked about how we were suppose to grow old together and how much see missed me. I think that is the night I went to her house and ended up sleeping with her. 2 days later she finds a new guy and runs off with him, leaving her child with her parents, I know she has a tendacy to take pills and maybe she did but this is crazy. I don't know if I should think of her as sick in the head or crazy or just a whore. Told me she met someone new and was going to marry him. Changed her facebook page to in a relationship with this guy. Makes no sense to me. I am trying to stop myself from even trying. I will never know. She will just lie to me if we ever even speak. She usually comes running back when she does this stuff but I am not going to be here for her this time.
How can you love someone and think all that bad stuff about them? You can't fix her addiction she needs to want it. You are an enabler and have been. What are your future plans? What does life look like?
She won't change until people stop helping her and she realizes she needs to do it on her own. Eventually she will be of no use to OM and will fall on her face and will need to take care of herself.
Are you GAIling?
I am trying to GAL. How am I an enabler. I wouldn't give her money for the drugs, she stole our things and sold them to buy them. I put her in rehab 5 times. I don't know that I do love her anymore. I miss having someone. I know that I would not be good for someone right now. What she is doing is hurting me (jealous) but I can do nothing about it besides go beat the guy up which I am not going to do. Like I said in my first post. I don't know if I am in the right place, I need help with me, I want to get over her and the relationship and move on with my life. I want to be done with it. I don't want to try to fix this marriage anymore. It is broken and can't be fixed. I am working, reading, exercising and trying to be happy. I am just not. I just can't believe someone that I used to love turned into someone that sleeps around. That was not her. Her biggest thing was loyality. Yeah, she knows that this is what would hurt me. She told so. She told me everytime I think someone else is in the picture-I come running back. I don't think she is doing this to get me back. I think she is really enjoying her new situation. Don't know that for a fact. I just think so. And that hurts me.
People addicted to opiates will do anything to not deal with withdrawals. She when clean might by a totally different person. But right now it is about you caring for you. I also want some one to be with but what do I have to give right now? Nothing. I think you need to calm down and look at the big picture. You seem very needy. Taking care of her addiction was fulfilling something for you? Time to look at that. Hang in there
I sure I am needy right now. Almost every blog I read is someone needy when we get to this point. I am trying to help myself. I guess that is one of the reasons that I am here. To get help from people in similar situations.
I'm glad you are here it is a great place. Keep posting things tend to improve with time.
Looked at god damn facebook and saw that she is in a relationship now and that she feels alive for the first time in years. Pisses me off and breaks my heart at the same time. Makes me want to go out a screw some hoe and then post that [censored]. Yeah, I am a little mad. But it helps to write it out. So, thanks for letting me write this.
hydrocodon, soma and pretty much any prescription drug that she can. You are right. She is not thinking clearly. She does this all the time. She goes awhile being good and then she falls off the wagon and does the strangest things like got married to a guy she just met, wreaked 5 cars and gets arrested.
Wow Par4...
I have not finished reading your thread but I will. You sure have a lot going on.
Before I go on, there are things we need to know in order to better advise you.
First off how long have you been married?
is this your first marriage? Hers?
Do you Any kids and if yes, whose children are they? How old are they? Where are they?
What do you want?
I mean, of course we know you want all to be well and fine
but more immediately, how can we best help you?
If you want us to question your course of action, double check motivations, and make sure you are on track, that's fine.
If you simply want us to validate leaving her, that's much harder b/c this is a pro-marriage site
and we would urge you to leave no stone unturned before you end your marriage. Do you feel that you have left no stone unturned already?
I ask mainly b/c I don't see you having done the Div Busting approach yet -so I can assure you that there IS a stone that you have not turned over.
Also, Do you believe addiction is a disease, or a character flaw?
If it's a disease, even if only partly, then where do your marriage vows "in sickness and in health" fit in?
And finally, have you READ the book(s) that form the basis for our approach here? It's crucial you do that. You'll get way more out of this site AND the book contains great specific advice for various situations including substance abuse.
it's not a "re-hash the past" or "re-live the traumas of it all" approach; it is a solution based approach to relationship problems.
While that sounds simple and in some ways it is, it's radically different from most approaches.
W/a Solution based focus - we hone in only on what
YOU CAN DO to help the marriage,
and what NOT to do that hurts the marriage....
Are you up for that?
PS
a few more questions/requests....
Could you break up your posts into smaller paragraphs? It's just easier for me to read b/c otherwise it's a long narrative and it gets easy to lose my place.
Also can you tell us how long you've been at this? When did what happen?
Like when was the first time you separated, or heard her say whatever it was that made you know there was a crisis IN the marriage.
In your opinion, if she were to enter a recovery program and it worked, what else would YOU think needed improvement in the marriage?
What would SHE SAY that YOU need to work on? Is any of that true?
And, what are YOU doing to show her that marriage to you could better/different than before?
(B/c if she does not believe it can improve, she won't bother trying to make it work. Do you get that?)
Also, when you "reconciled" after her OD,
did you try counselling or rehab or treatment or marriage counselling to improve the marriage?
And then what happened?
Thanks...and btw, we attended Retrovaille a few years back and the couples that guided us as "mentors" were very impressive. Their problems were huge and truly, they'd show you that it's rare that a marriage cannot be helped.
Please read the Div Busting or Divorce Remedy (sequel) book asap.
This CAN succeed.
I don't even know if I should be on this site. I need help but I need to heal and recover. I don't need to get back with my X.
Par4
You might be right about needing to heal before anything else AND maybe not getting back with your w...
This site has a forum for "Surviving Divorce" and it's about life after divorce, but still being happy. The Newcomer's forum is nice when you are reeling at the beginning of it all, but you've been in this situation awhile. There are chapters in Div Busting/Div Remedy books about substance abuse.
A re-read of the books would NOT hurt you or keep you stuck in this pattern of being a yo-yo,
b/c there are situations in which MWD says it's best to cut your losses.
So yes this IS a good site for you b/c there are several forums or subjects, that your situation would fit into.
11 years of hell. She would go on a drug binge about every 6 months and wreak mine and her lives. CPS has even been to our house and taken her kid away from her and gave me custody for 90 days and the child is not even mine.
Why did they do that? What precipitated that? And Where is this child now and how old is she? What is your r with the child like?
They made her leave and go to her parents.(that was years ago) Now her parents say that she can't live with them. But my marriage or common law marriage is not worth saving and should not be. I need to get away from her before I really destruct.
Are you in therapy or counselling for YOU?
have you ever attended a workshop or a retreat for a few days of personal growth?
the reason my h and I prefer them (even though we believe in counselling too) is b/c they seem to be more "efficient" for us and we get more done in a few days that would take years of weekly sessions to achieve.
Why?
b/c when you get into counselling, even with a good c, it's hard to make breakthroughs or gain a great insight, in an hour long session and then
stop it b/c your time is up, and go leave to pick up the kids or go to work or whatever-and it just INTERRUPTS the progress and process...
only to hope that the next session, you can pick up where you left off.
That's why you'd gain a lot by working a few days in a row on your happiness.
You can focus on YOU and YOUR LIFE, gain some clarity about your choices, design an action plan for how you want your life to go
and get some TOOLS for making your life better, and Not repeating mistakes of the past. In some ways a big part of your challenge is learning to cope with the temptation of being with her. She is bad for you but you go back and she tempts you and you KNOW she's toxic for you and that it will NOT lead to happiness or healthy relationship
yet you jump right in again, and again...for a decade of this...
yes Par4, you are addicted. With her addiction, she'll be told at NA meetings that addiction can only lead to one of 3 places,
Jail, a psychiatric hospital or the morgue...
and since you've been suicidal at times surrounding her or this relationship you have with her, and you've acted in dangerous ways
how different is YOUR prognosis if you keep going on like this?
how many women could have been in your life, that might have gotten to know & loved you as you are?
How much intimacy have you NOT developed w/a healthy woman? How much have you missed b/c you spent all your energy on a toxic r,
Or in pain b/c of the situation?
How many children would you have liked to have or raise but instead, have to argue with CPS about where your step daughter's mother is?
I'd say this addiction has cost you a fortune in many ways...b/c of money, cars, property damage, and
You are addicted to someone toxic for you, just as she is addicted to opiates and whatever else she takes.
Unlike her, you don't sound as if you have given yourself a try at "rehab" though.
I mean, SHE has gotten treatment and then relapsed, however many times.
My question is,
what have YOU done to learn to deal with her and all this insanity?
What have YOU done to change YOUR life?You can only change YOU and you have to start now, or you'll find yourself here over and over.
You CAN change your life. People DO change. My father in law was a raging alcoholic and lost his first 3 wives to divorce b/c of his drinking/temper.
He hit bottom...then he met a wonderful widow who'd had a happy marriage for decades. She never had a troubled marriage. She was healthy and normal, you know? And she LOVES my fil.
She "gets" him...she loves him w/a "fist in a velvet glove" meaning she does not tolerate his poop, so there's NO getting drunk or being controlling to her
but she gives him the love/affection and support HE so craves/needs. And he was 62 when they married (18 years ago now) and I am happy to say he's the best man he's ever been...so YES people can change.
You can too.
Will your wife? Well probably not b/c why should she? Losing her child was not sufficient cause for her to get clean...
And so far there's always a man willing to fund her addiction, in exchange for her being dependent on them and affectionate to them...
Kaffe Diem used the phrase "whoring out" but I hate that word so much I rarely use it.
But I don't know another word to use for a woman who sleeps around for money/pills, or more than one man, for money or drugs, other than a prostitute...
but you know, prostitution is more honest than what she's doing, really. There's no pretense about being "in love" b/c you want sex or drugs or money.
If you were a woman in an abusive relationship, I'd tell you to get some professional help like from a battered woman's shelter.
So I will say You do need that type of help, b/c you have been at this craziness for a decade now? It's NOT healthy at all for you (or her).
Have you attended any Narcotics Anon meetings? I suggest you attend a few, or Al Anon...b/c you'll see how little control you have over her
(as in NO control)
and you can learn to stay focussed on YOU, which is all you can control.
In 2010 you admitted you have a hard time being happy, in general. And you admit to suffering from depression, & suicidal ideas in the past.
So yes, Par4, YOU need help. (It's NOT all about her getting clean and then poof, all problems solved...)
Forget about helping her for now (or maybe forever. She's NOT your responsibility).
It's like you are on a plane that is having major engine trouble and you are losing oxygen...
so put the oxygen mask on YOUR FACE and take care of yourself before you worry about her or the r or anything else,
but healing yourself.
Here is an exercise for you to try For 2 MINUTES...Can you envision life in 5 years, without her
but with you being happy?
So What would that look like?
Put some details in it. Where would you live? What would you be doing with your time? Your primary job would be what?
Would you be playing or coaching golf? Or is there a different career you'd explore? Would you travel more? See more theater or more sports? Or both? Take dance lessons? Learn to play an instrument?
(I highly recommend travelling to new stimulating places with no memories of her or reminders of the past)
or would you take classes? Anything from cooking classes, to getting another degree, or would you learn another language or start a new hobby or what? Think about the GAL you used to want to do...
(What was your Master's in anyhow?)
SO now you have imagined this happy life of yours,
a few years from now and in this scenario you are
without her, but you are happy...So You see it...
and now tell us which of those things that you envisioned in your happy life without her,
can you create for your life TODAY?
PS
Par4 what is the underlying reason for your wife to be prescribed medication?
I mean, was she injured in an accident? You said she spends or needs to spend $500 a month on medication.
Do you mean for illegal drugs or for her prescriptions? IF it's the latter, what is her diagnosis?
Does she have actual pain? If so, there are treatments available that do not always include opiates.
For example if she has a spinal injury there are now spinal cord stimulators available that can help greatly with the pain and does not include opiate/narcotic pain killers.
I know this b/c I had a back injury and after struggling w/pain from it for years, I finally had a relatively non-invasive procedure that helped a great deal and lessened my need for medication.
It's easy to say "get off the meds" but if she's a pain patient, then it's sort of counter productive (and maybe unfair) to not treat the underlying cause of pain.
But if this is all a ruse for her just to get drugs, then forget what I just wrote.
Still, I thought it was important to ask...
So, if you are reading the Divorce Remedy book again, as I hope, then can you tell us what your GAL activities are?
Focus on that and YOU...
Looked at god damn facebook and saw that she is in a relationship now and that she feels alive for the first time in years. Pisses me off and breaks my heart at the same time. Makes me want to go out a screw some hoe and then post that [censored]. Yeah, I am a little mad. But it helps to write it out. So, thanks for letting me write this.
you know better than to look at facebook...you KNOW This. So why would you do that to yourself?
Why repeat what hurts?
Block her page. This is NOT complicated. You have to just do it!
it's called Self Preservation, 101...
That is some excellent stuff. I am going to print and read it when I am down. I can't answer all your questions right now. XW and I have both been married before. This is the longest for both and it has been on and off again for a long time. I really don't know if we are even married. We file income tax together and I have her on my insurance as a married person. The only way to get her off the insurance is to get a divorce. I am not keeping her on when she is seeing another guy.
We got married and divorced in 2005 after 2 and half years or marriage. We got back together right after the divorce and have dated or lived together ever since. When I say or lived together, we had arguements and she went to her parents to live for awhile but we always got back together.
In 2005 I discovered this site and bought the book and DBed. It worked and we got back together. She just will not quit her pills and will not work. She has to be taken care of.
We both had cancer before we met at about the same time. She got addicted to pain killers then and hid it from me for a long time. She has to take meds for tyroid and addison's disease. She doesn't even try to hide it from me now. It is except it or be done with me. That is why I broke it off in Feb. She begged me back.
I went down to see her and had sex. We planned on working it out and I was suppose to get her for the weekend (last weekend) but we had a fight (she didn't like an email that I sent that I told her that I didn't feel like I could trust her and that she had acted like a whore sometimes. She said she could not believe that is what I thought about her.I didn't go get her. She met a guy or may have already know him.
They spent the weekend together. Her parents kicked her out of their house for not coming home and she move in with this guy. Called me Sunday and said she met someone. I haven't heard from her since. I know that she will not work and feel like she will just be with anyone that will take care of her. It is sickening to me. I don't know why I am jealous or even care what she is doing.
M-42
XW-41
XWBF-35
StepD-11
Together-11 years except when we broke up and she married a guy she just met 5 days earlier for 17 days (unnulled)
Dispite all the bad things that I have said, and they are true, she was my best friend, lover and the person that I told my deepest thoughts to. I have lots of friends but no one that I am really close to. I gave that all to her because that is what I thought a spouse was for.
I dangled the marriage thing over her head. She wanted to get married badly and begged me all the time. Security she said. I didn't want to if she was not going to work and not quit the pills. She wasn't going to.
And I am convienced that she does not plan to do either one of those ever. So that is why I must leave, heal, detach and otherwise get over this relationship. Can't be thinking about it 10 hours a day. It is hard to GAL when it is on your mind and you are constantly fighting with your thoughts to push them out.
Dispite all the bad things that I have said, and they are true, she was my best friend, lover and the person that I told my deepest thoughts to. I have lots of friends but no one that I am really close to. I gave that all to her because that is what I thought a spouse was for.
But it's NOT the purpose of a spouse. No ONE person can meet all of our needs. That is what other family and friends are for. You can't ignore other friends b/c you date her and you need to cultivate those other relationships as much as you can.
Part of that is b/c you don't want to be so dependent on her...so get those other relationships back on track...nurture them so you are stronger and happier.
I dangled the marriage thing over her head. She wanted to get married badly and begged me all the time. Security she said. I didn't want to if she was not going to work and not quit the pills. She wasn't going to.
So you used marriage as a leverage tool to manipulate her with? Are you in counselling yourself or not?
And I am convienced that she does not plan to do either one of those ever. So that is why I must leave, heal, detach and otherwise get over this relationship. Can't be thinking about it 10 hours a day. It is hard to GAL when it is on your mind and you are constantly fighting with your thoughts to push them out.
there are no easy answers except for you to detach and get healthy.
She is your addiction, period.
you know it. There is no denying it.
If you ever want to reclaim your life, now is the time.
If not now, when?
I don't think that I was manipulating her. I just wanted her to change and was not going to marry her until she did. Which at the time I thought she might.I can't afford counseling right now. I am sure that I need it.
Yeah, I am addicted to having her around. I enjoy doing other things not with her when she is home. Don't take that wrong I did things with her also. I'll get over it, it is just a long road and she seems to have found a short cut that takes all the memories of me away. I think that she love me. Maybe she was just using me. I felt that way sometimes.
I remember when we met, she was so nice, and seemed so loyal. She treated me like a God. I am imagining this action she is doing for the new guy. He will find out later on. No one can live with her life the way it is right now. Maybe she will change for him.
How the heck can her opinion of me change in a day? "I want to get married, can't you remember our vacation we just took,we are suppose to grow old together, having sex" this is things she said two days before she met someone new. She told me she he respects her and she is going to marry him.
How the heck can he respect her if she is already screwing him? I think that I am more jealous that someone else is taking something I thought of as mine than I am missing her. That is a sad statement I know.
And I can't block her from facebook. She already blocked me. I blocked her BF so she can't look at my stuff. This is just sickening and so junior high. I looked at her dad's stuff to see if she changed her name or something and noticed he befriended new man so I guess she thinks this is serious. I know that was dumb.
People outside of the situation would look at this and say forget her and why is this bothering you. I don't know.
Maybe I need some pills to numb me also.
Going to church tomorrow with my Son-20. He is not from this relationship and really thinks Wendy is an idiot and a user. That is really a 180 for me. We am going to start going. Oh, my son lives with me and works for me. He moved in around Christmas, doesn't want to live here if Wendy comes back.
par
Sorry you are here and going through this pain.
You are co-dependent.
Believe me I know I am a recovering one.
Look it up and also detachment. Google it.
Get yourself to an ALANON meeting if need be.This is for people who have addicts in their life. Your W is addicted to pain killers.
She will not be, EVER someone you can hope to have a meaningful relationship with UNTIL she gets help.
You must overcome the denial of this fact.
And take care of yourself. This is very important for you and for her.
I know you want to save her but the only way is to become strong yourself.
really it is.
Are you up for this? Why?
I know what co-dependent is and yes, I am. She is not someone that can have R right now. She will not get help. I think she will OD again and die first. I guess this is lucky that I don't have to be the one to find her.
Last time we broke up-I got really sick, I mean sucicidal, lost about 25lbs and just could not take it. I am 99% better than that right now and forcing myself to eat and sometimes I am even hungry. I lift weights everyday. I am so scared that I am going to spiral down to that again.
I know what co-dependent is and yes, I am. She is not someone that can have R right now. She will not get help. I think she will OD again and die first. I guess this is lucky that I don't have to be the one to find her.
Last time we broke up-I got really sick, I mean sucicidal, lost about 25lbs and just could not take it. I am 99% better than that right now and forcing myself to eat and sometimes I am even hungry. I lift weights everyday. I am so scared that I am going to spiral down to that again.
You have a son!?? Be a father and stop thinking that b/c a user is in your life and she might hurt you again
that you will spiral again. You can control YOU and you have to. You're his father.
What are you teaching him about healthy relationships with women? You want her to make recovery a priority or to make YOU a priority but you have not made HIm a priority...
What would you TELL HIM if he were dating an addict who used him and cheated on him everytime he wouldn't get her a fix?
If you were in his shoes and he were in yours, what would you say to him?
Now Tell yourself that.
what are YOU doing to help prevent a future spiraling?
Let's assume she's not coming back soon. So, what tools are you going to get and where?
TrueGritter has made some suggestions to you so I hope you'll take them and see someone soon.
Like asap. You need help Par4, and you have a son looking at you as you "model" for him what a man does when he's hurt by a toxic r.
Show him a man of strength and honor who picks himself up, dusts himself off and like any golfer with a problem swing, you get the help you need to perform at your best.
You ask the experts...you get the help you need. You become your best self/
You become a man only a fool would leave.
So someday when you meet a healthy woman, she can love you fully and
she can be loved back.
I don't think that I was manipulating her. I just wanted her to change and was not going to marry her until she did.
Not to quibble, but that^^^ is the definition of manipulation. "I just wanted her to change and I was not going to do 'x' until she did" what I wanted...
Par4, That IS manipulation...sorry you don't see that. Someday you ought to check that out as far as being something you can't or won't see that you do.
it's not the worst trait in the world but you need to identify what you are doing in your world.
Assess your behavior accurately...
Which at the time I thought she might.I can't afford counseling right now. I am sure that I need it.
If you have health insurance, at least some of it is covered. Tell me, have you called to ask how many appointments you can get?
Trust me, if her meds are covered, so is counselling for you.
Yeah, I am addicted to having her around. I enjoy doing other things not with her when she is home. Don't take that wrong I did things with her also. I'll get over it, it is just a long road and she seems to have found a short cut that takes all the memories of me away. I think that she love me. Maybe she was just using me. I felt that way sometimes.
I highlighted where you spent your energy reading her mind... That takes a lot of energy to do, and it's famous for NOT being accurate so
it's really a waste of energy.Instead, you could spend that energy on creating a life you want. Or spending quality time with your son.
My biggest regret in my sitch, was how much time I wasted on wondering what my h was doing or thinking or how he really felt about me or us or our family.
Instead, I could have spent that time and energy on creating a new, better future for ME and my children.
In fact, when I finally did turn my attention away from h and his craziness, I got a lot happier and so did the kids...and I actually think that is probably what h noticed. It was not my goal to get his attention, but to move forward.
And he began to see that we were something he missed being around.
(No one healthy misses a whiny needy clingy person. But they do miss a happy upbeat person.)
And even if h had not come around, I was way better off not feeling so miserable.
par, my heart goes out to you. You are in on of the most difficult situations loved ones face, dealing with a substance where a loved one used to be.
You need help and TG gave you the key, Al Anon or one of the other fellowships for f&f of addicts and alcoholics. There are some pretty good online support groups, too.
You didn't cause it, you can't cure it and you can't control it.
Seek help.
She called about 4 or 5 times today. I have a court issue tomorrow. I don't need her there and told her so. I told her by text to not to worry about me anymore and to go on with her life. Her man texted back "she will", I erased the number and the texts so that I can't contact her again. There was more texts than that but nothing about relationship or anything. I just kept it simple and did not give out any information.
Take a look at Pia Mellody's books on codependence and love addiction - I think her insights will help you.
I read about detaching today. It was written about detaching from an alcoholic but it applys to me. Do you really just make no contact at all with them? I am wanting to send her an email and tell her how I feel. Probably a bad idea? I don't know if she knows or maybe that is just in my head. Do I tell her that I still have feelings for her and that I would consider reconceliation or just let it go until she comes to me? This is hard.
Read about love addiction-pretty sure that is me.
I read about detaching today. It was written about detaching from an alcoholic but it applys to me. Do you really just make no contact at all with them?
YES REALLY...Besides She is with OM now (HE texted you saying "she will" move on)
and you just told her to move on like you are. Do you mean anything you say? You are teaching her not to believe you.
I am wanting to send her an email and tell her how I feel. Probably a bad idea?
Very bad...
useless and counterproductive. You have told her how you feel, my guess is, 50 times? 100? 500?? Stop saying WORDS b/c they are meaningless.
Actions speak much louder and you need to appear strong, until you actually are.
If your son were involved with a woman like her, what would You tell Him?
I don't know if she knows or maybe that is just in my head.
1) yes she knows, but you won't get her the drugs and THEREFORE
2) she does not care how you feel unless it means she will get her fix from you.
Do I tell her that I still have feelings for her and that I would consider reconceliation or just let it go until she comes to me? This is hard.
No you don't tell her that. IF she ever gets healthy, which is NOT likely for at least another year
she'll reach out to you.
You say "this is hard." Yes, so is getting off drugs.
BUT This is not complicated. I don't know why you are confused.
Oh wait, I do know. It's not that you are confused, it's that you are addicted to her.
I went thru a 12 step program 15 years ago. They can work.
You are as addicted to her as she is to the pills. And it's just as dangerous in your life. Don't kid yourself into thinking your addiction has had no ill effects on those around you.
I can only imagine how much your addiction has affected your r with your son b/c he knows he's not as important to you as your drug of choice, which doesn't even make you happy.
You choose the suffering of your addiction to her, over quality time with your son.
Ever Wonder how he feels about that?
You KNOW she's bad for you but you still want to be around her or to pursue her. 'WHY???
evidently your fear of the unknown w/o her, even if it could mean a healthy relationship with a healthy normal loving woman who isn't addicted....and the restoration of your career and financial security...
is scarier for you than the hell you know, with her.
That's really not healthy.
Go get well, please. You'd be doing your son a favor, in case you don't think your life is worth fixing. Think of him.
Yes, I am done. How do I move to surviving the Big D. I have filed and ready to be done with all my feelings. She has been calling. I guess I am the back up plan that she can fall back upon if she needs to. I am better than that. I know that she doesn't respect me or anyone else. She is going to do what she wants. She has changed and is not the person that I want. I can see through this new girl trying to be nice. She is getting ready to try to use me again for something. I am literaly not buying it this time.
I am going completely dark with her. Which means I will not answer her calls or emails at all. Ever. Any other suggestions? Yes, I am exercising and working plus working on my PHD. So, there is no time for much else. That is my GAL projects.
One other thing, I stupidly sent her an email (which she rarely reads so she might not even see it for weeks or months, she does facebook and that is it) that stated that I wanted no contact and that I was done. I really should have just done it. She didn't need to know. She would see it. It is not her business and it showed her that I still cared somewhat. I wouldn't write that to someone I didn't care about I would just walk away.
It is really hard not to email her. I can talk myself out of the phone calls. Yes, I still want to beg her back. I think that it is more of a win or lose thing. A game to me in some way. I don't like it.You just think that if I word it a different way or maybe I didn't say the right thing-and you want to make contact. I hate it. Her OM should be home this weekend. I will be stressing over that even though I know there is nothing I can do about it.
She told me they were only a week old and that he was not invested in her. I had a girl call me Monday when we were together and she got mad and cried. Now she is saying go out on a date, it might do you good. I guess I will.
Ok, X called and called and I finally answered, she begged to come back, made all the promises that I wanted to hear. I went and got her spent several days with her. We prayed together to make the family whole again (her idea) jumped into bed, and I really enjoyed it and believed it. She wanted to get married Monday, I was scared but agreed. We talked to her parents and she told them what was happening and they quized me. Talked to my boss and he said he wouldnt talk off the crimanal trespass that the city has on her so she could not move in with me since I live in a city owned house. She called Sun morning to tell me she missed me and then I called Sun night and she was with her om. She said that she told me it wasnt going to work out and she was in love with him. He called me and told me he slept with her the first night they met and she has been calling him all week telling him that she can't live without him. Om told me she was a whore and just a piece of ass to him. Her friend is trying to date me, ask my x if she could, x got mad. Her friend has been telling me all these bad things that my x has supposedly done with men lately. It wasn't like my x. I guess some of it has to be true. I told her I dont want to talk about x at all anymore. I really need help to just forget about her. She doesnt love me, doesnt care if she hurts me, doesnt care if she lies to me to just keep me around in case I am needed for something. I am being used.
Par....I am at a loss for words. Please get yourself checked by a doc ASAP, and get some distance to clear your head. This sounds like a very dangerous situation.
Went to doc yesterday-he just put me on meds that make me feel dopey. I still cant eat without throwing up. I force myself to eat, I dont want to eat at all. I lost 10 pounds the last 5 days.
Trust me....I know that feeling. Do you have friends that can come and hang out with you? Close by family? You must force yourself to get out and take your mind off things. You must. Do not allow the darkness to close in on you.
You need to focus on you right now. You cannot control what she does...Period. DO not answer calls, texts, emails, etc. Do not allow her to come over. You need to put as much space between you as possible. As long as she does not acknowledge that she has a problem, she poses a major danger to you.
Please work on YOU Par, you are the only one that can change you. Don't do it for anyone else....just you. You are worth taking care of, and worth being the best you!
My brother sent me 7000 dollars on april 19th as a gift, he is very wealthy. I can't believe it. I just got it today. If I would have gotten that last week I would have married my X. If she knew that I had that she would have stayed. It is like a God send that it came so late.
She would have used me for that money so bad.
Then don't look a gift horse in the mouth! Take a trip...get a massage. Do something just for you...
And for the love of all that is HOLY....DO NOT TELL HER about the money. That could be a trigger for her to want to cozy up to you again.
And you already know that....
Par, are you familiar with ninelives from this board?
If not, his W had an OM and it got really ugly at the very end. She bounced back and forth to some degree, her OM was abusing her, eventually the OM ended up in jail, ninelives' W ended up back at home... and then she committed suicide...
She was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder.
I am worried for you par, because your sitch sounds eerily familiar to 9's.
His thread begins here:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...575#Post1967575It is all very long and you can skip to the later threads to get an idea of what hell he went through (as did his W and his kids).
Please understand this, no matter what the deal is with your W... or the OP... please take care of yourself and please, please, please understand that there is nothing that you can do...
If she comes to you, be there for her... but at this time and for a long while yet, please do not engage her in any way that would be anything other than a friend helping a friend who is going through some really difficult time...
You want to put yourself in a position where you are at best a safe house and person to go to...
Tank is another example of a highly volatile sitch if you care to look up that one...
Excellent. I am reading it now. I am having a really hard time taking care of myself. I blame me. I take this as a blow to my self esteem. I told my doc that I thought that I was a sucicide risk but I wasnt going into a cell. I know that she is evil and yet I think about it all the time. I can't seem to motivate myself to take care of me or love me anymore.
oh geeze sorry, she was diagnosed with bipolar not borderline...
And good yes, read through the sitchs and tank's sitch was his W took in with an OM and (I don't know if she already was) started in on highly addictive behaviours including drugs and probably alcohol... she'd keep coming back to tank when she needed something... money... a place to stay... whatever... poor guy and he was dealing with raising the kids while going through chemo...
Start with taking really, really good care of yourself first... you can't be "there" for anyone in an effective way, until you have saved yourself...
I told her last week that I felt like I was codependent and she started saying she was too and that was ok if we loved each other and junk like that. I feel awful without her and awful with her now. Seems like no happiness in sight. Everyone else here wants their M back. I can't ever be happy if I got my back. I can't forgive or trust her again. She will never stop the pills.
Well, what ever your thoughts regarding the M and your W, just understand they are OK at this time and they may change in the future... but for right now... accept what ever thoughts you have on that and work through them...
And no, a co-D M or R is not something that is necessarily "OK". It certainly serves those involved WHILE it serves them... when it stops serving them, they lash out and move on... often only to rebound right back again... kinda like if a M could be bipolar, if you will...
Get yourself the phone number for your local "life line" if you have one... also, maybe check into attending an alanon or a CODA meeting... You will find real world support and resources in those groups...
I am not sure if I should have read 9's posts-it is the first time that I have cried tears in years. I am not going to say what I am thinking about him and her. You people would really think that I was crazy.
Thanks for the thoughts today. I think that she is ill, maybe not. She is an addict and she doesnt love me. I don't understand how she or why she became so sexual with om? It really doesnt matter. He does give her pills and takes them himself. It makes me jealous that she is getting used. She has nothing, no cell phone, no car, no job and I guess sex is all she has to offer someone. She certainly wanted to do it with me alot last week, gave me a bath, it is just crazy that she strung me along for so long. She told her friend that she didn't think she loved me anymore. Told me that she loved om. That is a sign that she doesnt want me around. It just sickens me. Maybe she came down to see and didn't feel anything. I dont know and i am sick of trying to figure it out.
I looked for Tank in the search. Is that the full name?
Oh, she defintely does not think of me as the safe house. She thinks that I am saying bad things about her. Thought I was ganging up on her with her friend when I questioned her about somethings she supposedly did. Of course she called them "lies, lies and more lies." I don't talk about her except on this board other than to say we are not together anymore. Her om told me how they were sleeping together and that she is a nympho, many of her friends have left her because of her actions with him (he was dating one of them first). She can't tell me all this stuff is lies.
well, there is a word that some people use for people who don't have money yet still get their fix from a... "friend"... I'm sorry if that sounds harsh and I do not know your W so I really don't have friends... the unfortunate truth is addicts are so desperate, they are likely to provide pretty much anything...
Yes, tank is his full name... I think... I'll look for them.
Yes, 9's experience is a harsh lesson. From what I understand, his W is the only known suicide from this board. I truly hope is the last...
If you really don't think that your W feels you are "safe", then she is probably looking for something. I'm sure you know that. Keep any valuables tucked away if she visits.
Are you no contact with her, otherwise?
No, no contact at all. She called tuesday or wednesday night but I didn't answer and my voice mail is full. I deactivated my facebook. I am trying to move on. I told her I was moving on. So, I don't see the point in a conversation anymore. I fixate on her having sex with other people. Yes, I know don't worry about things that you can't control on all that but it still floods my mind constantly and I have to push it out. Yes, I think she is having sex to get her fix. I can't believe that she has turned to this. Before, she always had her parents or me to give her money but now neither of us are giving her money. She smokes, and has to get someone to buy those for her. I said from the start that I need to get over this and that is my plan and what I want. I can't forgive, I am not a big enough person to forgive and forget those actions. It will always be an issue for me. So, I can't take her back therefore I must move on. Sounds simple-but it is not.
Yes.. it is all simple... just emotionally difficult in the beginning...
The future will unfold as you move forward. You feel that you will not forgive and that is OK. Maybe you won't... and maybe one day you will... it is OK for you to feel you will not... forgetting...? if we forgot, we'd never have learned "the lesson"...
Get your feet under you and start making some forward steps into a future that is focused on you, your well being, and any hopes and dreams specifically for yourself that is not focused on your W...
You know what we say here and it is true... it will get better... be well...
Today, I feel a little different about things. I am sorry for the people on the board that have a good spouse that they neglected in some way by not meeting their needs and their M is worth saving. I think it is really much easier for me even though I am screwed in the head and am super co-dependant, because my wife is crap, she really doesn't deserve me or anyone. Her own parents took custody of her child. I really should be jumping for joy that I don't have to worry about what she will pull next.
I always said I wanted to life my life on the plains with no peaks and valleys. I know that is impossible, there will always be ups and downs. They just don't have to be the sky and the Grand Canyon.
My x thought I was neglecting her if I didn't get her pills. Would throw a massive fit and try to embarrass me somehow with others. Well, all those people saw right through her. They tell me now, to run. Everyone. Not one person has a good thing to say about her. I really never knew how people really thought of her.
Par you probably did....you just never acknowledged it. It's funny what you remember and how much you can't forget once our fog lifts.....
Good thoughts are going out to you....hang in there.
No, I really didn't do anything but bail her out all the time. I am not taking responsibility for the problems. Yes, I got mad at her for the drugs, I tried to be nice about them, I tried to get her help, I tried everything. I did not do a damn thing except be a loving husband with concern when she went off the hook. Nope, I have thought about this for a long time. I did not abuse her, the only thing I did not provide was more pills for her and that was her love.
Keep working on yourself par4me. I've not read the entire thread, just bits and pieces, but sounds like you are making strides with yourself. Stay strong. You deserve it.
I feel good today guy. Thanks for all your help. X emailed me today-I blocked her number from my phone and canceled my facebook so that is the only way she can get me. She denid her affairs over and over all except one and she didn't mention it. She said that I have been spreading rumors about her. Well, unless one of you guys knows her-I haven't spoken to a soul about it. Not one person that knows her except my mother and my mom has not talked to her.
Why the heck would she say that she thought I was talking about her when I know for a fact that she has not heard that. It would be impossible unless one of you told her I was posting which is highly unlikly. lol