Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: totallydevoted Wife wants out - 04/16/12 06:49 AM
Hi, brand new to forum, been reading for about 2 weeks now. It amazes me how many people out there are having these issues...so sad. But, it's also good to see the success stories as well.

I'll try to keep it brief. wink

W left with kids on 3/18/12 to her parents house. She informed me that she wants me to find my own place and that she wants out of the marriage. She contacted a mediator on 3/27/12 but hasn't done anything since.

We seperated about 3 1/2 years ago (July 2008) after MC suggested it for 6 months. We R and things were great for about 3 of those...same things began about July 2011. I would get frustrated with finances, try to solve the problems practically and W would feel controlled and alone and then withdrawal and shut down (our little dance). I have an issue with showing tenderness (although I do love her dearly) and she said that she knows I love her but she feels I don't like her, can't help her feeling that way but I do understand. It makes me sick that she feels that way.

I honestly feel that the real issue here is that she has never forgiven me for life before 1st seperation and basically expected me to be perfect since...sort of set up to fail almost. Things have been better, I have been able to show more affection (but clearly not enough) and have worked real hard at having calm, supportive conversations about money, work, life...etc.

Currently, I have found a small apartment, W is home with kids but house is up for sale (short sale unfortuntely...go figure). shocked We feel that whatever happens we need to get the house out from under us, we built it in 2007 (dream home) but not at all...has stretched us too thin, which has created much anxiety and frustration on my part. I have IC and have started a path on emotionally focused therapy...undertsanding now the true basic need for an emotional bond for everyone...and to address things more from a supportive and emotional approach. I truly believe this is the right path for me.

I have begun to GAL...working out...hanging out with friends, even looking into volunteer work. I also have begun to touch on the 180s...it's VERY hard but I am focused. Interaction with W is mainly due to the kids which keeps things light...no real discussion of R, trying to give her space and time. She did call me out of the blue the night I moved into my apt to see how I was...and yesterday came over to pick up D (had her for night an day) but also to see the place.

I broke down a little and spoke of the path I was on and how I fully understand her pain and I know I am who she needs me to be...it's who she married...just life's daily crud getting in the way. She can all ready see the physical difference in me and has commented on it - losing weight and getting more tone. She thought what I said was very sweet...didn't cry but was visibly moved but restated that she "just doesn't feel us getting back together." I expected that and it didn't bother me too much...just wanted to plant a seed I guess. haven't spoke or contacted her since. Today is my birthday...very interested how she's going to handle that.

Anyway...I know I'm new here and still unsure of basic rules...and I said I'd try to keep it brief. Long story short...I love my wife dearly, she's my best friend...and am totally devoted to her and my kids. My gut tells me that I am on the right path and that we will eventually R but she doesn't. she does say that she likes me and still loves me but she just can't get over the pain and needs a change. Like I said, she's never forgiven me and I know that if she won't she'll never be able to move on postively let alone think about us and a future.

Me: 44
W: 39
D: 16
D: 13
D: 11
M: 17
T: 21 1/2
Bomb: 3/18/12
Contacted mediator: 3/27/12
S since bomb
Posted By: Cadet Re: Wife wants out - 04/17/12 03:54 PM
Welcome to the board.

Have you read the 37 rules?

She is asking for SPACE, give it to her.
Get out and GAL.
DETACH.
Believe none of what she say and half of what she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.

You are on moderation right now on the forum.
SO post in small frequent posts until you get off of it.
Stay on one thead until 100 posts.

Do not beg, plead, or pursue.
Your W is giving you a GIFT.
THE GIFT OF TIME.

USE it wisely.
Posted By: alamo76 Re: Wife wants out - 04/17/12 04:36 PM
Like what Cadet says.

Welcome, totallydevoted. Sorry you're here under these circumstances. Have you read either Divorce Busting or Divorce Remedy? Have you and wife talked about counseling or a marriage retreat or something like that?

Happy birthday, by the way! Stay positive and keep looking upward and forward.

Cheers!
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: Wife wants out - 04/17/12 06:11 PM
Thank you Cadet and alamo76.

I have read the 37 rules and am doing my best to follow them. Our only real contact is because of the kids...and I keep the conversation light and positive...no talk of R except for slip up this past Saturday. I am really hoping "believe none of what she says and half of what she does" is correct...because she looks (and acts) as if she's moving on.

Only counselor is IC...she says she's not ready to talk about this yet. As Cadet says...she needs space, and I'm trying very hard to give it to her.

But how much is too much?
Posted By: LeafTurner Re: Wife wants out - 04/18/12 11:23 AM
Welcome. Sorry you are going through this. A couple of things.

Read the 37 rules. Also, because you both went to counseling in the past and improved and then degraded, I feel your wife isn't going to accept your 180's at first. Remember you have worked hard before and improved but things still got bad for her in the long run. This means your changes need to be real and lasting. Consistency will be very important.

Try not to focus too much on the house, finances, and such when talking and interacting with her. Now is not the time to share how you feel to get that comfort and support you are used to. NOT sharing your financial concerns might be a very big 180 for you. I am just speculating here so take what I say with a a grain of salt.

Good luck and be ready for the long haul.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: Wife wants out - 04/18/12 03:43 PM
Had dinner last night as a family for my D's(13...now 14) birthday. We wanted to give her a "normal" birthday. We went out and my wife agreed for me to pick them all up and then go from the house. Probably to save gas for herself. frown The night was great...we laughed as a family, had a great dinner...and then went back to the house for cake and presents. We (W and I) sat on the deck for about 25 minutes and just chatted...no talk of us...just innocent conversation. It felt good...but of course felt horrible when I left to go back to my lonely 1 bedroom apt.

W still seems distant and I believe last night was mainly for our D...and not anything else. It hurts so bad...and is so hard not to hold her. When we were driving home from the restaurant, I almost put my hand on her leg, as I always did when we were driving. I caught myself and apologized, saying old habits are hard to break. she looked away out the window for a couple of seconds...not sure how she felt about that.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: Wife wants out - 04/18/12 03:49 PM
I understand the 37 rules and am working real hard at adhering to them. All contact is mainly due to the kids...but there is an email every now and then...sending jokes mainly but every now and then I break down to let her know how devoted I am to her and the kids. I know this is wrong...but I just have this horrible fear that if I cut off all connection that she'll feel better about this decision and follow through with a D.

What's the best way to GAL but also keep that connection? I just wish I could see some glimmer of hope in her...right now...even though we're cordial and friendly...R-wise, nothing...it hurts real bad.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: Wife wants out - 04/18/12 06:58 PM
Man, it takes so long to see my posts. I hope you all haven't forgot about me. eek
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: Wife wants out - 04/19/12 09:37 AM
Thank you LeafTurner...you are right about the changes. I have to make sure these are for me only, since we did backslide especially. I know I have made consistent changes since 2008 but not enough for her right now. And, of course, all she's focusing on are the negatives. Her changes never materialized either...but I was able to forgive her back then and still can because I truly did recommit in 2008, but obviously no on is perfect. Unfortunately it appears she expected me to be and feels that all our woes are my fault.

My gut tells me that we are meant to grow old together...all other aspects of our R are very good...hopefully this space she needs will make her realize this and the changes I've been making are for real.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: Wife wants out - 04/19/12 10:32 PM
Just journaling...

Feeling better lately, that panicky feeling seems to be getting better but still having trouble not contacting W. Mostly by email and any phone contact is for kids.

I went to the house to give D a birthday card from my mother and stayed fairly upbeat. W told me that realtor contacted us about a showing tomorrow...I think that affected me a bit and I got a little cold. But, I got out of there pretty quick, however I may have sounded short...which is what my W says is part of my problem at times...seem distant and cold. I called the house after I left...made up some reason why and sounded very cheerful and happy (not actually too much of a lie) - to ask her a question about the yard and thanked W for being there for showing and that I appreciated it. Got the answering machine and still no call back...about an hour ago. Which confirms in my head that I was short and it showed. this is why space is pivotal...to keep from screwing up. smile

Have to really work on staying positive and upbeat...keep the contact to just the kids and stay mysterious. It is really hard to stay distant but keep that contact. I MUST stop any contact until she initiates it...just scared she won't...ugh. confused

Anyway...that's all for now.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: Wife wants out - 04/20/12 01:28 AM
It's so hard to see W so happy most of the time. She has the girls most of the time, if not all the time and I know that helps her tremendously...I see them as much as I can...and living in this 1-bed apt, there's no room for any prolonged visits.

Things will open up a bit for me next month since we've decided to stop paying on mortgage while the short sale goes through. So, I should have more "mad-money" to do more things outside the home with them. However, I'll need to stash some money away since my credit is going to take a hit, to get out of this place when my lease is up...Oct 31st.

Part of my frustration with her is the thought that she doesn't put me ahead of everything else. I feel 3rd on the totem...children, her family...and then maybe, me. I guess that's my own insecurity, who knows...something I need to work on...my self confidence. I've had this feeling for quite a long time...maybe that feeling has driven us apart. She doesn't know how to approach me when I get down and distant when I'm thinking that...and that just makes me feel worse, as if she cares even less. A nice little dance we have...this trying to distance myself just keeps scaring me that she'll feel so much better about us being apart. I just wish I could get that twinkle in her eye back.

My God, can we get these posts approved sooner?
Posted By: dbmod (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 04/20/12 09:49 PM
^
Posted By: totallydevoted (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 04/21/12 12:55 AM
Yay...my posts are finally here. :-)

Had our showing today and the couple LOVED it. They said that they wanted to come back with a builder to measure for some remodeling, sounds promising. this will help with my credit but it will still take a hit.

Spoke with my W about all this...stayed very upbeat and we talked for about 20 minutes...we laughed and joked about things, felt great. No talk of R...just chatting. Even if offer comes through...it may take up to 3 months to close for bank to approve sale...this gives me more time to work on myself. My fear is the quicker the house sells, the less time my wife will have to "miss" me...and will move to mediator quicker. Can't dwell on that, just have to keep moving forward.

Anyone out there? :-)
Posted By: totallydevoted (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 04/21/12 12:57 AM
Bought DR today...coming in 3 days, can't wait to dig into it.
Posted By: totallydevoted (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 04/21/12 10:50 PM
I took D14 to the movies today with her cousin, my nephew. we had a good time. Took her back to the house and W and I were having a real nice conversation about nothing...just chatting again. We spoke for about 30 minutes, she made me dinner and we talked while I ate it. She really was making dinner for everyone and I happened to be there. ;-)

She then mentioned the mediator (with no talk of R at all) and how she really wanted to start moving on that...it crushed me. I was really hoping that she would give us more time. But she said that she hated how we were in limbo and needed to get things organized in her life. Really matter of factly...very cordial and nice...so it really appears that her wounds are just way too deep to heal. I took it all in stride and stayed positive, while dying inside...it's just seems too hopeless. I told her I still had hope and she said, "okay, but I don't." She even recommended me finding someone else...she has really checked out completely. I shouldn't be surprised though...she just thinks that we are not good for each other anymore and there's nothing else to do.

It's time to go completely dark (LRT) but I'm just trying to come to grips with it being over, no chance in h3!! anymore and it hurts real bad. I cannot believe that we ended up like this...we used to be so much in love and so crazy about each other...and we have such a beautiful family. She said that she's happier without me in the house, that she can finally feel relaxed and secure without the threat of me making her feel awful. She's not missing me at all and in her mind it's done...no hope.

Anyone out there to give me any kind of hope...any Vets that have been here and yet still succeeded in R. I keep reading things that even with WAW not wanting to try anything, that there could still be hope. I just can't get over the feeling that this is all a huge mistake and our lives are going to fall apart not being together...could just be me feeling that about myself...who knows...only time will tell I guess.
Posted By: workinghardguy (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 04/22/12 01:26 AM
Besides DR I'd also suggest reading "How to Save Your Marriage Without Talking About It". However, despite the title, understand going in that you're not going to be able to use many of the theories and strategies. Those are for people not in our sitches. However the insight and thoughts are invaluable.

They will help you understand your W and understand yourself. Also, should you ever get to the point of recon, they will help you then.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 04/22/12 06:34 AM
It also appears that W may be going through MLC, not sure. We began dating when she was just about 18...now turning 40 this year. Seems she feels that she never had a chance to be herself and why not do it now since she feels miserable and still young enough to still be attractive and vibrant to find another. Still not 100% sure there isn't OP now but just don't get that feeling...have always trusted her in that regard.

The fact that she suggested for me to find another seems to be the final nail in the coffin...as if she just could care less about us at all. This is so hard since we've both spent more than half our lives together...I can't think of being with anyone else except her. Has anyone invented a time machine yet? I need to go back and fix this...I just KNOW we are meant to grow old together...either that so I can fast forward to the time where the pain has subsided, I'm so miserable but trying real hard to come to grips. Darnit! mad How could I have let this happen to my beautiful family?!!!
Posted By: antioch Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 04/22/12 03:23 PM
Hang in there, TD. It sounds so similar to my situation with H and unfortunately I don't have good advice --- I don't know what will happen with us either. H also seems mentally checked out, shut down, and withdrawn. He's depressed and struggling and I want to be there for him, but he doesn't want me. I have to give him space.

How are things going with GAL? I'm thinking of doing some small home improvement projects but I don't know if that will be perceived as needy?
Posted By: workinghardguy Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 04/23/12 02:29 AM
She very well be in an MLC... unfortunately that doesn't change much for you. Your W sounds a lot like mine, and I'm pretty convinced mine in having an MLC. Again though, doesn't change a whole heck of a lot.

Understand that some/much of this is WAS/MLC script. My W said the exact same thing to me. One time while we were discussing the D/S and I became upset my W told me, "don't worry, you'll find someone else." Well that's great... I don't really want somebody else.

But it is script. It's meant to create distance between her and you, her and the family unit. There is no "final nail in the coffin" until either a) you decide you've had enough and you're done or b) she marries someone else.

You're also in the stage where you take all the blame and heap it upon yourself. This will pass. You both got here, together. You both made mistakes and have fault. Don't heap it all on yourself and don't carry her faults as yours.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 04/23/12 04:13 PM
Thanks working...even though we may sign papers I still just have that feeling we will end up together somehow. It could just be hope and I'm being irrational but my gut just feels it. she seems so cold and non-chalant when she talks about us, I guess that's to be expected since she's trying to distance herself from us and to be strong for the girls. Like you say, part of the script.

We are just still really good together...she just cannot trust me in the trying times...when she really needs me emotionally. This is what I am really working on...connecting with people on a more basic emotional level...everything else doesn't matter. In fact, one of my 180's is to really be a kind, gentle, listening friend to her when we are together. I think it confuses her a bit, but also makes her feel good; and part of me thinks that she's panicking a little with the mediator rush. In her mind she just knows that if she has any doubts of a D then she'll leave it open for us to get back together (because I know she still loves me...and our passion together is very genuine) than she will just end up hurt again; and she can't go through that. It's going to take some serious time for me to prove to her that I truly want and will nurture that emotional connection with her...and we may have to D to do it. a horrible feeling but the D just may save our R in the long run...God, I can only hope. And I can only hope that she doesn't find someone else in the meantime...because like you, I don't want anyone else. I only want her...but I guess if she does enter into another committed R than the writing would be on the wall then. however...until she has another ring on her finger...you're right...there is no final nail...and I will never give up hope.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 04/26/12 05:58 AM
Really missing W today...and my family. Still just having real hard time about finality of all this. The fact that it appears with W that there is no hope.

I was out of town on business past couple of days...was real hard being in a hotel without W...we always had great time traveling. Then coming home to no one really...to this lonely 1 bedroom apt...the isolation is really tough. I guess this is a way W is getting back at me sort of...for her isolation I guess when we were together. Going dark is so hard...especially when it seems that's what W wants.

She seems to be moving on and just seems so okay with all this, that without me in the house, life is so much better and she doesn't miss me one bit. That's the hardest part because we did have so many good times but she just doesn't seem to want to think about that, only the bad. I know I can't trust what she does or say but man is she good at making it appear that her decision is the best thing that has ever happened to her. I still stay upbeat and am still GAL...but I just can't get over this loss, it's eating me up inside and I find myself backsliding. I think if only I can hold her, all would begin to mend. God, life's lessons just stink. I'm a good man, a good person...I know this. But knowing that the best thing that has ever happened to me doesn't think so...incredibly disheartening.

This post keeps getting lost in the shuffle it appears...i read so many that have such good support and advice. I do appreciate those that have commented and offered support...i guess I'm just really needy right now...needing that magical solution. I guess only I can create it by solving myself...becoming an even better person...and no matter what, all will work out in the end.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 04/29/12 03:14 AM
Today W and I were going over bills and she came to the mediation again. I explained my concern over the custody issue and how I expected joint custody and she totally flipped out stating that she has always been the primary caregiver and how could I even suggest such a thing. It appears that she was expecting me to just be a wallet and a babysitter. To only see my kids every other weekend while living the high life off my child support. I informed her that I have no desire to just roll over and allow her to dictate the rest of my life.

I thought we would at least end this amicably but now it appears this will not be the case. She is only thinking of herself, in the guise of saying she's doing this for the kids. She doesn't undertsand how this is going to affect them and how this will affect our family for years. She has nothing to base this on...I have seen D first hand and know how it eats away at families. She obviously expected this to be so easy...that she could just force me to go away while living off half my money. This will ruin me but she could care less. I need to get a L at this point but cannot afford one...I'm in quite the pickle here.
Posted By: E-Chic Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/04/12 09:24 PM
"She seems to be moving on and just seems so okay with all this, that without me in the house, life is so much better and she doesn't miss me one bit. "

I'm sorry you are going through this. Maybe your wife feels that when she is on her own in the house, she isn't feeling ignored? Just a guess, but that may be the reason she thinks it feels better. It isn't that it feels GOOD, but that she doesn't feel that pain (like the old joke about hitting yourself with a hammer because it feels so good when you stop).

I don't have any wisdom on the joint custody or child support issues, hopefully someone else will be able to chime in on that.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/05/12 11:17 PM
Thanks chic...we are back on the mediation train...no lawyers, for now. She admitted that our conversation concerning custody was a mis-undertsanding. Our mediation appointment is on the 17th of this month. I am very anxious about this because I just feel I'm going to get hurt financially. She keeps mentioning that we'll need to follow the FL guide to support, which puts me in a bad way. I carry all our debt. My W has never been good fiscally and has no idea how to budget herself or balance a checkbook - which has been a big cause of frustration for me. So, over the years her credit situation has been really bad and any new debt we added was all me, including the house. All the while, we got her back on track and improved her credit. Now she's basically free and clear...oh joy! What a jerk I've been to be somewhat responsible with our budget and "looking" out for her (sarcasm).

Anyway, we'll see what happens. I'm still doing pretty good with GAL...going out with friends, working out, dropping weight and looking better than I have in a long time. Tough thing for me is that she looks fantastic as well. My big 180 has been to always be positive, caring, friendly and in a good mood when around her. We only see each other when I get the kids but we do have very friendly times...it feels good, but tears me up inside as well because all I want to do is hold her. I still have hope and will never give up on this family...even with a D. I just know it that we are meant to grow old togther...just going to take awhile to get there...for her to forgive me...and allow her heart to be open again to us.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/08/12 07:41 PM
I had, I think, my 5th counseling session today. I have found a good therapist that seems to be putting me on the right path. We are focusing of course on just me and sort of getting me ready for the mediation and D afterwards. I told her about this site and she was going to take a look.

We are working on EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy) based on a book by Dr. Sue Johnson titled "Hold Me Tight". It focuses on the necessity of all humans for an emotional bond with others...it has really opened my eyes to take others for who they are and not what I think they should be. To understand that all people really need is an affectionate bond with their loved ones, making "everything else" basically irrelevant. If you work on nurturing this bond than everything else will just fall into place. Huge paraphrasing there... ;-)

This is part of my GAL...because even if it doesn't work out for W and I, it will definitely make me a better person...and will definitely help me in any future R as well.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/08/12 07:48 PM
I really hope this mediation will open my W eyes a bit to the repercussions of all this. But, I have no expectations and am preparing myself mentally...I will not be able to promise that I won't break down in there though. My therapist says that she actually knows the mediator and has good things to say, so we should be treated fairly.

I have told my W that even though I do not want this D, I am willing to support her because I understand her pain...and I understand that in her heart she feels this is what she needs. She seemed very touched by this...but again, no expectations here.

W has agreed for me to take her and girls out to breakfast for Mother's Day this Sunday...which really made me feel good. But then she followed that up confirming with me that I am able to make the mediation...instant slam, but she doesn't know that. NO expectations and detaching...is just so hard when you love someone so much.
Posted By: Brit45 Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/08/12 08:33 PM
Hi TD,
I just read your thread. You seem to be very upset with her "moving on just fine" "living the high life on Child Support" and also terribly missing her, thinking of her constantly, wanting to hold her.

I was a WAW (you can read the insanity of my rollercoaster on my thread if you like) let me tell you that everything you're perceiving isn't really real. I kept myself super busy with work, friends, events, concerts, plays, I would have gone to a garage sale in hell just because it was my choice I could do what I want and who knows the Devil might have some good knick knacks.
My point is things aren't moving along easily. It's all seems new and different and fun RIGHT NOW. but that will wear off and suddenly it's not fun trying to figure out how to flip the fuse (I almost broke the computer desk climbing up to the fuse box)

When you're a WAW it's like you have blinders on. You've made this massive scary huge decision. Leaving your marriage, getting a divorce, splitting up your kids from their dad....the last thing you want to do is admit you may have made a mistake. It took me 5 months and when I did realise that maybe it wasn't be best decision I practically had a break down. That's neither here nor there...just know that she is being headstrong about this mediation because she feels like she has to see this decision through.

I don't know if you should have told her about this site. You put so much of your thoughts and feelings on here...but that's my opinion. I wouldn't want my H reading my posts.

Concentrate on being the best you, you can be. Time is on your side.
Posted By: vera be fierce Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/08/12 10:11 PM
TD - can you contact a local bar association? They may be able to assist you in finding a low-cost or pro bono attorney. Some attorneys may also have a free initial consultation that could give you some things to think about prior to your mediation session. If your W is going to be crazy about demanding support and custody, you need to prepare yourself to protect yourself and your relationship with your kids.
Posted By: unbidden Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/09/12 12:19 AM
Also, I think some therapists keep lists of what separating couples need to consider as a way of trying to scare the reluctant spouse into thinking more clearly. If you have an IC, he or she might have such a resource if you ask and it will help at mediation.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/09/12 12:35 AM
Brit, thank you so much. It's exactly what I've been thinking...wife is pretty stubborn and I know she has it in her head that this is the right thing for her. And all I'm doing is staying calm, friendly and supportive...I think it confuses her - it's one of my 180s. I know we still love each other and I know this is going to take some serious time and consistensy. Also, I didn't tell W about this site, I told my IC because I have been telling her what I've been learning here and the great support from so many like you that are in the same boat. How's your sitch going by the way? Part of me thinks W may do the same thing...and my fear is that I will have moved on by the time she comes to that realization. Well, not really a fear since GAL is what I'm focusing on now, I just may be happier in the long run. And I'm not sure that I will be able to trust her again not to leave me, take the kids if things get tough again.

Verab, thank you for the advise. I have been thinking about doing that and have been reading up on my rights. The mediation won't be final unless I sign...and if I don't like what comes from it then I will talk to a L.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/09/12 12:35 AM
I love how my posts immediately show up now. :-)
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/09/12 01:52 PM
Just journaling...I find it's nice to go back and read everything...especially the support. It helps ground me. I need to start a journal of my own...I have a friend that started a bucket list about a year ago. She has been D for 5 years now and has found that this list helps her move on and GAL.

I'm really missing my W this morning...I miss her so much every day. Moving on from your best friend of over 21 years is almost an impossibility, but I am maintaining. I find it worse in the morning...I wake up and for a split second everything seems fine and I almost expect to be laying next to her. Then it all comes rushing back...and it takes me a few minutes to calm myself down. Deep breaths...telling myself that I am a good person and that this is not all my fault. Once I get to work I feel better but that pit in my gut never goes away. It really only goes away when I'm working out...so I work out as much as I can...3-4 times a week, sometimes more even it's just getting in to get on the treadmill. I'm starting to look dead sexy and I know my W has noticed...have dropped about 40 pounds since December. Take that baby! LOL
Posted By: timbits Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/09/12 02:00 PM
I did a bucket list recently, as well. Life is just too short not to try to do all of the crazy things you've always wanted to do. One thing that stuck out for me was that I had to be in better shape to accomplish all of the things on my list, so I'm going to start working on that.

I am still living in the same home as my H, but we're emotionally seperated and I really feel lonely, even when he's in the same room. I find when I'm busy, I have less time to focus on it. Between work and GAL activities, it has helped me cope. Maybe work on training for a 5k? That would give you something to focus on. Funny enough, it's also on my bucket list.
Posted By: Brit45 Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/09/12 02:23 PM
Hey TD - immediate posting is so exciting isn't it!

It's funny but you'll find at the most random times you'll realise you haven't been thinking or missing. That happens to me now and catches me out the blue: reading, looking on ebay, at work etc.

high five on the weight loss. I'm at 38 pounds off, two sizes down in jeans, and it's such a great feeling. He's noticed, he's commented, his mom's noticed even said "amazing, fantastic, is it a case of look what you're missing" she was laughing the whole time.

Exercise and eating healthy is a great way for me to get my mind off the situation and feel really great. I even put a little chart on my wall and mark off the pounds each time I lose one. (is that getting a life or the opposite of getting a life haha)

Journal here...I had a private journal and it turned into too much obsession. Here when I write down my thoughts I know people will read them and tell me stop all that analysing or that's the wrong train of thoughts. I've only been on this site a short time and find it a fantastic community!
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/09/12 04:51 PM
Yeah, that's what I was thinking...this "journal" gives you feedback. A private journal however you're assured that you'll still have it when you need to go back and remind yourself of all this pain and what you did to move on. A website could be gone at some point, I guess...although this one has been around for awhile.

I wish I would have found this site 4 years ago...or at least started a journal then. When my W and I first separated in '08, I was totally devastated but we almost R too quick...we never did learn how to be alone and thrive and to really miss each other. I worked on myself and as noted feel I have made great strides but I got too comfortable and took it all for granted again. If I would have had this site or at least a journal, I would have had a resource to go back to remind me of the pain...and to keep fighting daily to make it all work. If for some miracle we do R...believe me, I will NEVER take this pain for granted again.

I've told friends that this D talk is the same as coping with death, in my opinion...you seem to go through the same phases of grief...I believe I'm in between pain and guilt and anger and bargaining. Only problem is that (and this may sound inconsiderate so I apologize) in death that person is gone, there's some closure...you know that person will never come back. In D...that person is still around, reminding you almost daily that you will never have them again. I need to quickly get to the upward turn, on my way to acceptance and hope. crazy
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/09/12 04:53 PM
Thank you timbits...a 5k unfortunately is out of the question...knees aren't too good. But, there are many other things to put on it. Soon, I will sit down and start making it...and hopefully begin to start checking off items.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/10/12 12:43 PM
Mediation is a week from today...I'm really nervous. I really want to stay positive throughout but if I don't agree with the outcome it could get ugly...lawyers will have to get involved if my W expects me to just roll over. Take the money without having to deal with S...a WAW dream it appears. I'm sure her sister, who D last year is filling her head with grand illusions...misery does love company.

How fun it is that our society makes D so easy today...forget the commitment...you can give up, forget the last 21+ years of friendship and loving times...take half his salary and live large...fantastic!

Sorry...just venting...I wish this would just all be over. I just know that if W would listen to her heart she will see that this is the wrong path...her head has taken over. That, and I'm sure family is pushing her making it hard for her to step back. Who knows...the mediation may open her eyes a bit...we'll see. The count down continues...tick, tick, tick... smirk
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/10/12 11:52 PM
I was going through some files at work and came across and old Christmas letter from 2003 that I wrote about our family...it was very cute...and i sent it to W. No reply...was that wrong? laugh
Posted By: Broken74 Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/11/12 02:02 AM
Hey totallydevoted,

First and foremost congratulations on the weight loss man! I am trying to get back on that train myself, a great thing for the WAW's of the world to take notice of for sure...

I will say I have done the same thing with prior "good times" correspondence. I received no response and also the response to "please don't send me these things they just push me further away". Subconsciously I still think that type of thing has to make them think... The book and 37rules don't recommend it, but I live by the fact there are exceptions to every rule.

Keep your chin up and good luck with your sitch!
Posted By: Brit45 Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/11/12 10:24 AM
I would say a big fat NO to those happy time correspondence!

Let's say you had a cut on your finger that was healing. Sometimes when you're doing every day thing like typing, buttoning a shirt, you realised you couldn't use that finger and you think gosh I forgot how much I relied on that finger...You just take it for granted. The pain hurt but you also remembered a tiny bit how much you needed it.

Then lets say someone shook your hand and squeezed that finger really hard and said see if your finger wasn't cut that wouldn't hurt. Or out nowhere they poked you right in the cut. And you think that really hurts.

That's what you're doing!! Yes you remind her that the relationship is over but do YOU want to be that reminder? Also you might think you're reminding her of the bad times but if she's ensuring that she's being stubborn about this all she'll do is reread that correspondence to find something she never liked or find something that underlines her decision.

Don't be the reminder.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/11/12 12:23 PM
Broken...it is really hard and I knew sending that letter was the wrong thing. It's just so hard to balance my 180 of being more attentive, friendly and compassionate, things my W says was lacking in our M, and detaching.

Brit, you are SO correct...I did have a bit of relapse with this letter but I just thought it would make her smile...not thinking that it would remind her of our split and make her feel bad, thus continuing to blame me for all this. She actually is very family-oriented, although right now you wouldn't know it. In her mind, a D is what's right for this family, crazy in my mind but of course I can only control what I'm doing and feeling.

I never call her...email her mainly to coordinate time with kids...every now and then I'll get weak like with this letter...it's so darn hard. I wish I knew what was going on in her head. I am still doing well with GAL, I feel anyway. Reading, IC, working out, getting out...but staying busy 24 hours a day is impossible...it's those down times that get me, especially right when I wake up. I used to be able to just pop out of bed but now it's tough. It is getting a bit easier though with every passing day.

I have some great friends that have yet to isolate me because I'm that guy now. grin They have been wonderful in allowing me to vent...and all our 100% behind R. Unfortunately, most of my friends aren't mutual with W and I. My wife's a home body and has never really clicked with most of my friends, too bad. All my wife really has is her family...and I'm sure that support is splitsville...ugh!

And to my current friends all you wonderful people, thank you all so much for being there. We will all get through this together.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/13/12 01:28 AM
Had kids all day today...had a really good time. It really helps to have them around. Saw W today when I picked them up...GOD, she looks great. I have to fight every urge to not hold her...she does allow me to touch her arm or run her shoulder when I say hello and goodbye which is a bit of a 180 for me...touching her, she says I never did that enough. she seems to accept it...and maybe even like it a bit. I also never fail to compliment her on her looks when I see her...not like a lost puppy but just kind of in passing...hey, you really good...or you look pretty today. I was giddy and very upbeat when I saw her and we had a real good talk...not about R, just chatting. She laid down on the couch when we were talking and I almost felt like she wanted me to lay down with her. But, I kept it short and cordial...REALLY tough.

I bought some flowers for mother's day...not expecting anything because she is a great mother. She really appreciated them and had them displayed, with card and all in the family room. I felt like she really appreciated it...and she even agreed to let me take the whole family out to breakfast tomorrow.

My kids and I went to the downtown market with arts and crafts this morning where we picked her out a nice, unique hand-made necklace...I'll give it to her at breakfast and say it's from all of us.

Although...mediation is still on Thursday and I noticed she had it circled on her calendar at home...like she's looking forward to it. frown But, again, I'm ready for the worst so I can remain calm...and show her that I do support her decision but still won't allow her to ruin my life...because I'm on a good path now. Working on me...being a better person for my kids and "showing" her that I am Getting A Life. crazy
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/13/12 01:28 AM
Sorry...* rub her shoulder, not run her shoulder. :-)
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/13/12 07:35 PM
Breakfast this morning was great...all my girls, W included. We went to her favorite place and she ordered what she always orders...we had a little laugh about that because she always peruses the menu then orders the same thing. I gave her the neckless the kid's and I bought yesterday and she actually gave me a hug for it. She had on a new dress and I complimented her on it...she looked amazing, so pretty and cute. It took everything I had not to put my hand on her leg as she sat next to me. I stayed upbeat and positive and truly enjoyed myself. I have no expectations for anything I do now...for her or my kids, I'm just so happy to have the opportunity to be with them.

I think she appreciated the whole morning, I certainly hope so. As we left she initiated a quick hug and I kissed her head as I did. It could be nothing...but any hugs since S has been all me.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/13/12 07:37 PM
Happy Mother's Day to all you mothers out there!
Posted By: Brit45 Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/13/12 07:43 PM
Hi TD,
fab-tastic work my friend!

First as a mom I can say I'm sure she really appreciated you saying hey you're a good mom. It does mean a lot. Even more when it's done with no expectations.

Also look how much you appreciated her initiating a hug after so many moments of you holding off NOT touching her!

Stay the course. At the mediation be polite but firm on the things you want. I don't know how mediations work....
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/13/12 08:09 PM
Thanks Brit...it does seem her wall has shortened a bit. I truly believe staying upbeat, being a friend and supportive with no expectations has been a great 180 for me. She does seem to take notice. I do touch her but only a slight caress of arm and shoulder as I compliment her or say hello or goodbye, another 180...but the hug was brand new for her.

A mediation is basically a 3rd party helping you divide the assets and come to an agreement for custody/support. It's not a D per se but the mediator can help file it. It's cheaper, and quicker, frown if the D is amicable so the courts don't get clogged up with people's "petty" differences. The judge has the agreement all worked out in front of him/her to decide whether or not to sign off on it. What a mediation can do however is show a couple that a D just may not be in their best interest...gives them that 3rd party to validate some things that both may not have thought of while being emotionally driven in their decision to D.

I'm not expecting my W to change her mind during all this and I am expecting the worst so I'll be prepared to stay calm and polite, but my W has stated that her biggest problem with me is my "stinginess with money" and this may prove to her that that's not true. And with that out of the way her heart just may open a tiny bit to think about our R and how it really is something that can be saved.

We'll see...4 more days and I will know everything. In the meantime, I'm getting all my ducks in a row, to be prepared and trying to be the best possible me I can be.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/13/12 09:33 PM
W sent me an email saying thank you for breakfast and for giving her a nice mother's day.

However, I did a bad thing (big DB no-no)...I mailed her a letter taking responsibilty for my part in all this...about 2 days ago. She got it yesterday. It was a letter that I felt in my heart I had to send (really almost a 180)...one last chance before the mediation just so she knows how I feel. Laying out what I undertsand to be her needs and desires...and how I would be able to address those needs and what our lives could be like if we fought for us. In her email she said that the letter was "very sweet" but reiterated that she is not interested in getting back together and wants me to give up all hope for our R.

I expected this (although hoping for a different response) and I am okay...mainly because these last two months I have been focusing on me and not expecting anything...detaching as much as I can and trying to just be a friend to her and a loving father to my children. She needs to move on and I am coming to grips with this more and more each day. I wrote earlier in this thread that I still do have that gut feeling that some day our paths will cross again...and we'll both be in a better state to be able to consider lives together again, I truly believe this. I stated that this D just may save our R in the long run. She has to be able to experience life on her own...I hope she does anyway and focuses on herself. I will never give up on that feeling but I will not allow it to inhibit my growth either.

I will always love her...she will always be my first true love. This hurts bad but, again, I am okay.

This was my response to her:

"I understand sweetheart...like I said, I couldn't have lived with myself if I didn't send it. Please know though that it was truly from the heart...and just know that I will always love and adore you...and I hope some day you get everything you want out of life. I'm so sorry I wasn't the one to be able to give it to you.

I mean it when I say that I will always be here for you...and that you will always have a friend in me. I am glad you are having a good mother's day...you most certainly deserve it.

Love always,"


Who knows...even though this was probably the exact opposite of what I should have done...it just may have planted a tiny seed. So, when that possible day does come and our lives cross paths again, she just may find that letter, re-read it and think of me and how special our R was. And then just maybe, pick up the phone to see what/how I'm doing and ask me out to lunch or something. Hey, it could happen... laugh
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/13/12 09:43 PM
Sorry Brit...and you were just praising me for doing a good job. eek
Posted By: Brit45 Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/14/12 08:49 AM
I think you're amazing. And call me a big softie but I have a tear in my eye reading that.
You said you needed to say those things and you did. I sorta did the same thing once I apologised for things I realised I had done wrong (we NEVER talked about our problems or issues) and he said why are you doing this? I said look even if we never ever get back together I need you to know that I'm sorry I treated you that way and made you feel that way. I think it's important for both of us to heal to know that.

I thought your letter was beautiful. I don't know if it's DB'ing or not. But it sounds like you offered her selfless love and support.

In my sitch he said all types of things and it made me sad. I worried that he would GAL and when he started seeing someone it hit me like a ton of bricks because I thought I would always be the one, it would take longer, who knows. Also in the split it had always been about ME not being happy. He had been selfless etc and so when he said gosh I'm finally happy now. I'm doing things for myself this is great. It made me rethink.

I'm not saying you should date or do anything to make her think of you differently. That's manipulation and pursuit. I'm just saying that at some point I'm sure she will look back at your M, your love story, etc and you have made sure that the bridge wasn't burned.

You've given her a lot of information so if I were you I'd take a step back.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/14/12 01:14 PM
Thank you Brit for your kind words...if that little response made you cry...you should have seen the actual letter I wrote to her. LOL It made my mother cry.

And I truly appreciate your feedback because that's exactly why I wrote that letter...to take responsibility for my actions, apologize but also to just give a little peek at what our lives could be like if we ever do R. No expectations... Even though I firmly believe that this D is going to happen now...I still hold onto the saying...don't believe anything she says and only half of what she does.

More and more I feel she is definitely in MLC mode...and I need to start reading more in those threads, and re-read the book(s). But again...I'm almost checked out myself now...and am just starting to come to grips with life without my W...and ,again, that's okay. I will still support her. my children...be her friend (best friend) and just keep "showing" her that I am a better man...I am loving, caring, affectionate and sincere. I will stay positive and upbeat, continue to work on my mental and physical state of being...and some day she will see me as her "Prince Charming" again...I just know it. I will step waaaayyyyyyyy back now because I have told myself that I have done everything I can at this point for our R...it's all up to her now...she will now have to live with the responsibility of this decision solely...I am making peace with it...and I am taking the high road.

These feelings she has right now will fade and she will begin to reflect on what we truly had...forgive the bad times...and see me as that person who can make her happy again.

3 more days till mediation...I will definitely keep everyone posted.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/15/12 11:37 AM
2 more days until mediation... crazy

Had a dream last night that we got through mediation...it went okay but was very hard...there was crying, a little anger but overall not too bad. When we were leaving, my W turned to me and said, "So, have you learned your lesson?" I said, "WHAT?!" She said, "Have you learned your lesson? Have you seen now what you can lose by all this?" I said, "This has all been some kind of learning tactic for you. You've ripped my heart out to teach me a lesson?!" She said, "Yes, I felt it was the only way to get you to truly change." I stood there for about 3 minutes...not really knowing what to do, or say. Then, I grabbed her, held her with all my soul...and cried...vowing with all my heart to be everything she needed me to be and that I will prove to her daily my love and adoration.

I felt great waking up...and then of course, it all came crashing down on me. It appears I still need some serious me-time.
Posted By: robb Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/15/12 12:05 PM
I feel for you totallydevoted. Stepping back is the hardest thing to do, but I think it is something you should give a chance to.

As they say, we all have to stop doing things that don't work. I've been there and done that.

Best of luck to you in your R.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/15/12 12:16 PM
Thank you robb...stepping back from the one you truly adore is THE hardest thing I've ever done. I'm still not completely detached because of the kids and that makes it that much harder. That...and the feeling that I just know there is attraction and caring still between us. She just needs time...and lots of it...and hopefully some day, we will find each other again, and be much stronger because of it.

Thanks again...I really appreciate you taking the time for your kind words.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/15/12 08:00 PM
^
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/16/12 01:06 PM
24 hours until mediation...ugh! My gut is just churning and my head is spinning.

I wrote W this email right at 9:00 this morning - 24 hours:

24 Hours

The nausea has all ready crept in...and my head is spinning. I just want you to know that we will get through all this together...I support you and your need for change. I still don't want to do this because my gut still tells me this is the wrong path but I love you too much not to be here for you, not to support your yearning for emotional stability.

I will always love and adore you. I will do everything in my power to make sure our children are happy and stable. I will always be your friend and be there for you in every need. Please trust that I truly mean this...and that I will always be totally committed to you and our beautiful girls.

Love always,
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/16/12 08:43 PM
16 1/2 hours until mediation...am I just driving myself nuts here? I am so totally prepared for this...I have all my paperwork done...receipts, spreadsheets, credit summaries, etc. I know my W is not going to have a 1/10 of what I have. I truly believe what I have to submit for our financial situation is really going to open her eyes. Right now...I am in the hole monthly as well as net value...she can definitely have half of that. crazy Being broke never felt so good...

Her only experience with D was her sister...and her H was pretty well off...was able to by her out of the home and also pay her half of what his business was worth plus child support. MY W is thinking it will all go down the same way...as she heads off into the sunset with half of what I have. Well...I'm in the hole because of the house so she can have it! laugh
Posted By: Broken74 Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/16/12 09:02 PM
Hey totallydevoted,

You sound like me having emotional swings from one side of the pendulum to another. I have done this a number of times and I know it takes a toll...

Keep your chin up while protecting yourself and be the man she would be a fool to leave... These sitch's can turn on a dime, especially if your W comes to her wits with the reality of the situation you described. Good Luck!!!
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/16/12 09:43 PM
Thanks broken...I appreciate the support. I have swung the emotional pendulum to both extents. I know my W will at least have a rude awakening...I've been telling her for the last couple of years that we really needed to buckle down to get out of our debt woes...the house has really put a strain on us, bought at the height of the bubble (shocker!). That...and when we separated the first time is when our debt woes began. The cost of it plus us trying to woo each other again and do fun things as a family.

She told my mother that things were wonderful then, but she cannot see the reality of our actions...and hated it when I tried to bring it up to have her help me put us on a good path, which we were on and things were beginning to ease up a bit...but that's over! it wasn't soon enough for her even though I told her 1 1/2 years ago that the next 2 would be a bit painful but we'll get through it together. and i was almost dead on with that timeline. She feels, I guess, that money grows on trees...and I also believe she thinks I've been holding out on her and the kids. As I said, this mediation will be quite the eye opener for her.

I'm prepared for the worst...this will keep me calm and polite...because I have proof that what I've been trying to explain to her this last year and a half has been the truth all along...and it was her who refused to see the reality of it all. she would refuse to even look at my budget spreadsheets...it's an issue with her...she doesn't understand money and finances and it would make feel inferior so whe would withdrawal which would just frustrate me.

Whether or not this will change her attitude about all this, not sure...probably not. I have to be prepared for that...plus it doesn't really matter because I have been doing all this for me. I have been doing all the right things lately with her and my kids. Upbeat, supportive, friendly, sincere, mentally tough...in her presence anyway. blush I know it's been confusing her and she has appreciated it but she's just not there mentally yet to open up and let her guard down. And I totally understand...she's going to need some serious time. I just hope she uses it wisely and focuses on herself. i think she's afraid to do so because she'll then realize that I wasn't the sole reason for her unhappiness...and that scares her...easier to blame me. she has a rough road ahead of her and I just need to make sure my kids are stable while she goes through it.

This is going to be a positive for us...she won't see that right away but she is a good person and eventually she will realize that what we have is worth saving...even if we have to D for her to come to that realization.

Thanks again my friend...I'll post the outcome tomorrow...keep an eye out, could be some good reading. eek
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/17/12 11:52 AM
1 HOUR UNTIL MEDIATION!!!

Wow...the reality of this all is almost so overwhelming...my insides are all out of whack. I just know we are moving too fast on all this...serious regret is going to set in real quick for her. But, I've been regretting it all along, this does not have to happen, we do still love each other - it's so sad.

But, I'm working out right now...getting pumped! smile Gonna look good for her...smell good...be good. I'm going to stay calm, stay polite, stay sweet....but I will stay strong!
Posted By: Brit45 Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/17/12 12:21 PM
thinking of you today!
Posted By: Hopingtomakeit Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/17/12 02:02 PM
Stay strong man!!! I support you and if you need to talk after let me know.
Posted By: vera be fierce Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/17/12 02:19 PM
Hope it's going well. Being your best self is the most you can do.
Posted By: needgrace Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/17/12 02:40 PM
I am thinking about you and hoping all goes well for you today. ((( )))
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/19/12 11:24 AM
Well, mediation actually went pretty well considering. I think W and I did what was fair for the children. Not sure she felt that way because she was expecting so much more I'm afraid. It only proved to me that since we were using the mediator she chose...and the mediator agreed everything sounded fair...that W was trying to get one over on me. She's still only thinking of herself I'm afraid...and she will need to be honest with herself over these next many months that her issues aren't all my fault and she has some serious soul searching to do. It's the only way she will heal.

The mediator mentioned that she had done over 2,000 of these and ours was one of the smoothest. She commented on how well my W and I got along, and asked me when W was out of the room, "and why are you two getting a D?" I stayed positive and upbeat, sincere and caring...and kept reiterating if we came to bump that this was all about the children so let's make sure whatever decision we make is what's right for them. The mediator appreciated that as I hope my W did. There was only one time when I got upset, and I could beat myself for doing it because I made it all the way till the end until I did. When the bill was quoted I panicked because I had only budgeted myself for about half of what I owed at that time. I sort of took it out on my wife...since she was the one that initiated all this and chose this mediator. It was childish I know and I feel terrible about it. I have apologized to both the mediator and my W and thanked them both for their time and effort in all this. I didn't yell or anything like that, I was just scared and vulnerable because I pride myself in my preparedness but am still working on my reaction to things when something slips up. I think my W used that to rationalize in her head that I was just horrible throughout the process...but nothing could be farther from the truth...and she knows that. She's just scared and upset herself right now and reacting how she has been all along, blame me for everything to make her feel better. Time will allow her to see how things truly are...I hope for her sake anyway.

So now...we wait for the judge to sign off...and then we are D. I still can't believe all this is happening but my anxiety and sadness gets better everyday and I am prepared, especially now I know what to expect financially at least...to move on. I know my W and I will remain friends...and will be fair and do what's right for our babies. And who knows somewhere down the road when we've both grown and become more self sufficient and can be happier and more comfortable in our own skin, we'll begin to miss each other and realize we did have a good thing going...and that we do still love each other. But, the timing will have to be right...and she will definitely need to do some serious self reflection to improve her depression. I will not get involved with the same woman as she is now...and I wouldn't expect her to do the same. I know I have all ready grown in these 2 short months...much from the help of this site and all you wonderful people out there. Thank you all very much...I think I may be able to move out of Newcomer smile and into more detailed issues, we'll see. But, I'll keep up with this post if need be and also provide any insight to any of you that I can.

Bless you all and have a wonderful day!
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/19/12 11:30 AM
Just a quick note about me getting upset about the bill...reflecting on it, it wasn't about the cost at all. I believe most of it was my sadness and anger about all this. The pressure of staying upbeat and calm for 7 hours with W right across from me built up...and that little caveat to my calm, prepared thought process was a catalyst. Again, she'll realize it was no big deal in the long run and come to appreciate the 6 hours 59 minutes and 45 seconds of wonderful me throughout all that. laugh

Thank you for all the thoughts and hugs guys...

Right back at ya! (((((((you all)))))))
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/20/12 06:23 PM
Was going to go to church today but found out from my W that her cousin was in town from Hawaii with their new baby and they were doing the baptism today. I called W this morning to talk to kids about next weekend and she told me about it. Going to take the kids down to Tampa to visit and old friend from college...his W used to live next to us and we set him and her up...they married 3 years later. So, my kids like going down there to see them...and to see their kids...pretty close with them. We'll stay in a nice hotel and maybe go to the Tampa zoo...should be a good Memorial day weekend...I need to get out of town with my babies...of course I yearn for my W to go because that's always when we were so happy...when we traveled...sigh...

Anyway, I chose not to go to church...which would have been a big 180 for me...because I knew it would have been too stressful for W. I did that for me...no one else, I'll go next week. I did however get some laundry done, worked out for 2 hours and washed and vacuumed my car...a great day, compared to yesterday. Now, gonna watch a little baseball on TV, shower and go shopping for my niece's (Ws sister) birthday...and groceries.

I feel good today.
Posted By: Brit45 Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/20/12 08:00 PM
I think you did fantastically. I have no idea how I will feel/react if we get to that point. Sounds like you have a great weekend coming up. Enjoy!
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/20/12 08:03 PM
Thanks Brit...it will be a nice weekend...good friends is always a good thing.

yeah, this D looks imminent but my W and I still have a good R...we're friends which is good for the kids. and who knows what the future holds.
Posted By: twom7 Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/20/12 11:01 PM
TD,
I read your thread, and I am about half way into the same situation. I am trying to get my wife to join me in counseling, but we are not talking and I only text her. I bought the course text your ex back, and Fiore recommends texting about past rememberences that you and your wife and kids shared together...something along the lines of: remember when we (insert good memory event). So, do not feel bad about sending your wife that old letter because it is a remember when letter. Stay positive and upbeat...I know it is hard especially when you are getting the crap beat out of you...divorce is like being gutted and left alive...I am trying hard to prevent mine. Thanks.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/20/12 11:14 PM
Thank you twom for the kind words. it does feel like being gutted and left alive...while you W stands over you laughing. All I can say is try not to control your W, we can't...we can only control ourselves and our own happiness. My W needs to come to this realization on her own...only then would we even have a chance at R...because our old lives are gone, we cannot go back to that. Only when we both begin to focus on our own happiness, which I am begginning to do, will anything ever get any "better".

I'm convinced my with is in a MLC but that doesn't excuse my role in all this. She needs some serious time to reflect and that may mean we'll never have a chance together. But I know there is still love between us and that we are meant to grow old together, whether in this life...or the next. That's a tough feeling to have when one is trying to move on and GAL...but I can't help it, it's what I feel. Unfortunately, it's going to be one long, bumpy road...but I'm ready for it. I have no choice, do I?

Hang in there my friend...take heed to the wonderful insight and advise this site offers. It can be a life saver.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/20/12 11:19 PM
*convinced my Wife is in a MLC, not with.

And by the way...my letter to her was more of a road map as how our R can be in the future, not so much to remind her of the past. The past I wrote of was my sincere apology of how I played a role in all this. she doesn't want to think of the past, only upsets her more and gives her more fuel that this is all my fault. This road map may serve me well if ever my W, or STBXW, realizes what she's done...and that we actually did have something special. This may cause her to pick up that phone just to see how I'm doing...and maybe meet up for a bite...or just a drink.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/22/12 08:30 PM
Can someone please stop me from emailing my STBXW in the morning to wish her a wonderful day...PLEASE! crazy

I never get a response, she could care less whether I have a wonderful day or not...STOP IT!
Posted By: MrBond Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/22/12 08:36 PM
"W was trying to get one over on me. She's still only thinking of herself"

There's your reality check.

She dumped you and wants to find a happy life without you.
Posted By: scaredsilly Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/22/12 09:03 PM
td, when you get ready to email, just try to remember the definition of insanity... cry
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/22/12 09:35 PM
Thanks for setting me straight guys...and helping get me out of crazytown. blush
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/25/12 06:03 PM
Just thought I'd check in....haven't emailed or called W in 5 days. Woo-Hoo! I will see her today though because I'm taking my girls out of town for the weekend, as if! grin
Posted By: Brit45 Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/26/12 07:17 AM
Fantastic work TD! GAL means working on yourself for yourself. You still love your wife of course so don't think about seeing other people. We're taught through movies and songs that the right person will make us happy. We have to be happy inside first with ourselves before we can give to a R.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/26/12 09:54 PM
Picked up the girls and we are now on our weekend trip...having fun. I think I did well picking them up...was very upbeat and excited about the trip...only said hello to W and only stayed for a couple of minutes while the kids loaded up their stuff. Didn't say anything else to her...just focused on kids and excitement of going away - didn't even say goodbye, or have a nice weekend.

W called this morning to let me know the phone number she'll be at...her families lake house. Didn't pick it up and haven't called or emailed either. This GAL...and "as if" mentality is tough...but I think it's doing me good.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/26/12 10:01 PM
Oh yeah...W told me that the A/C isn't working in the house...going to be in the 90's for at least the next week. Normally I would take care of it...either try to fix it or be the one to call a repairman and be there when they arrived. Poor thing...I wonder what she's going to do.

She's taken just about everything I have...my kids, my home, my money, given me our debt...my life. If she asks me to help pay for it...I'm going to laugh...tell her this is what she wanted...good luck. Of course I'll be very cheerful and upbeat about it. smile
Posted By: scaredsilly Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/26/12 10:09 PM
oh, yeah. and look cute when you say it, too! ;-)
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/28/12 10:59 PM
Had a great time with the kids this weekend - good to see old friends. Although every inch of that trip reminded me of W and I...and all the wonderful trips we've taken together and as a family. REALLY missing my family today...and REALLY missing her...have to be strong. I just want my life back...and my WIFE! Doggone-it...this is SO hard!
Posted By: Brit45 Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/29/12 03:03 PM
One thing that's helped/helping me to detach is when someone said you have to face that your old R is over. It's done. If you two come back together it will be a new R, with building, dating, etc.

I do think about things we did together a lot, but talking a friend of mine who never got back together with her ex she said it's not a problem and she talks about him when she talks to other people all the time. Of course they had good times, they shared experiences and those will never go away. Just because her R ended and never reconciled doesn't make all those trips and things suddenly bad. It made me review how I felt in those instances when I'm reminded of things we did together.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/29/12 07:12 PM
Thanks Brit...I know our R has to be a different one...and my STBXW will need to do a lot of work on herself to ever make us a possibility again. My fear is that she won't...because she never has. She has her family support system to keep her right where she is...their little puppet...doing everything they tell her to. BUT...her problem now, not mine...if she doesn't put an end to her family's "loving" manipulation of her, she'll be forever miserable.

And I don't want that anymore...but I know her heart...and I know that she's being pulled in both directions. From her family and her loyalty to them no matter how dysfunctional...and her love for me and our family. I can feel that battle that's going on in her, I know it's present. I just don't think she's strong enough to go against her family...and again, I don't want the way she allows them to use her anyway - I don't want that person.

We used to live in another city...5 hours away drive - we were so happy then. I wish we never moved back here where she grew up...created resentment in me on how they use her (started to see it the longer we lived near them)...and created resentment in my W when I would express my concern about it. I pulled back from her family...because I refuse to be treated that way and was angry at them for doing it to my W...and that's when they began to sabotage our M. Of course, can't so anything about that now...MUST focus solely on myself and my children.

So...I don't want our old R...which is helping me detach, but I love my W dearly and am so totally devoted to her and our family, BUT I do not feel that she's strong enough to do what's right for herself to allow an avenue for us in the future...very sad.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/30/12 11:58 AM
I broke down a little this morning and sent my W an email wishing her a good morning and hope that she has a good day. She's a teacher and I mentioned that summer was close and she must be very excited.

This was her response:

"Yes, summer is so close!!! I am looking forward to some down time to process everything. So far, I have really not had personal time to think. Hope you are doing well."

This coming from someone who has been adamant about the end of our R...yet hasn't mentioned the D since our mediation. However...we really haven't communicated since.

I don't want to read anything into this but it just seems like a very small step in the right direction. I'm yielding to you all to give me some advise here. It appears the detaching is working a little and my gut just keeps telling me that there is just a small glimmer of hope...always has. I must stay strong and detached...she needs to miss me for any hope.

Also...she initiated this current communication...asking if I can come over to look at the TV...doesn't appear to be working. My youngest is pretty upset about it...add in the A/C not working and they're miserable right now. I agreed to go over after work...her response was "Thank you very much!"
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/30/12 12:01 PM
...just a note...I did send her that email to wish her a good morning, but her email got to me first. I still consider that a victory. laugh
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/30/12 02:07 PM
^
Posted By: LostIn407 Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/30/12 02:20 PM
Quote:
It appears the detaching is working a little and my gut just keeps telling me that there is just a small glimmer of hope...always has. I must stay strong and detached...she needs to miss me for any hope.


Time. Patience. I am probably near the same stage as you. Detaching is hard. In my weakest moments, I think "If she starts to live her life without depending on me, then there is no reason she will come back to me."

This is why we must GAL and improve ourselves. Become someone only a fool would not want to be with.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 05/30/12 02:40 PM
Originally Posted By: LostIn407
This is why we must GAL and improve ourselves. Become someone only a fool would not want to be with.


Never have more truer words ever been written. Thanks Lost...hang in there my friend, together we will all get through this.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 06/05/12 08:25 PM
Man...haven't posted in a while...should I start another thread?

Anyway...no talk of D from W...I'm not sure what this means. We haven't really spoken in a long time...I had to go to the house to pick up my laptop on Saturday. The TV broke and my W's laptop was at work getting updated...so I lent it to the kids to be able to watch some movies on. Anyway...we really didn't talk much then either. Back to my point...she's a teacher and is now on summer break so she has the time to go file...but hasn't yet. I still need to notarize some forms and take a child parenting course online. It's been about 3 weeks since our mediation. She rushed so fast to get all that done...and now, crickets on finalizing everything. What gives?

I'm trying very hard to stay dim...hard to be dark with the kids...so I'm not saying a thing about anything. Could she possibly be thinking about all this...that the finality of it all is now hitting her and she uncertain what to do? I know I'm not supposed to care about all that and continue to focus on myself...but.
Posted By: Brit45 Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 06/07/12 04:08 PM
Hi TD thought I would check in. Try not to read into anything..what she said or the fact that she hasn't filed. Continue on the course I think you're doing great.

It is hard and I totally understand when you say she may never want to change. I had that fear I faced it and then I realized if he doesn't change I don't want to be with him...pretty easy actually. Yes it's sad but what if what's around the corner will make you know that this had to end? We don't know. Right now all we want is to reconcile and for them to change. But there could be a million other outcomes that we'd be very very happy with.
Posted By: totallydevoted Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 06/07/12 07:48 PM
Thanks Brit...I'd say that I'm about in the middle right now, which is quite huge. Meaning, I would do anything to R and yearn just for my old life back and if she doesn't change then I don't want anything to do with her anymore. Obviously, I still miss my family dearly either way...the whole family; but it does make it easier to just keep thinking that my improvements will mean a better future for ME, period...whether it's with her, someone else...or alone even. Doesn't matter, as long as I'm happy with myself then all is well.
Posted By: Brit45 Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 06/08/12 06:28 PM
I think I know exactly what you mean.... I'm not really sure how I feel about R at this point. And sometimes I feel a little bit bad about that.
Posted By: Brit45 Re: (NA) Re: Wife wants out - 06/30/12 03:38 PM
Hey TD....don't know if you stop by anymore but would love an update...how are you doing?
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