http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...528#Post2237528Thank you all for your advice and prayers the last few months!!! May God bless us this weekend at Retrouvaille and move us forward to a better space in our R.
Peace and prayers to all of you this weekend!!!
J
jlove - Thinking of you this weekend, and praying for you and H.
I'm glad you've been given this opportunity, jlove. Like the rest of us, I will be praying for y'all.
Keep us posted on how things go, ok?
Please let us know how it goes??
Wow, what a weekend! At first she admitted she didn't want to be there, and didn't think it'd help too much. She gave it an open mind and heart and I told her that's all I could ask for. It went well at 1st, not too heavy,and I didn't check in with her (thanks MLC25!).
Day 2 about halfway thru we got to some of the heavier issues for us. She came back at one point and asked if we could go know, but I think was half joking. At the end of day 2 I went back to the room and she was in tears and admitted that she needed to work harder, didn't know if she could, but felt overwhelmed that she needed to. We talked for a while then went to bed.
Day 3 we continued our progress and at the end of our alone time, come light came into the room and we were talking about us and our R, and something just turned on like a switch in her. I think it was the Holy Spirit at work, but it all changed there.
More later, but now we are BOTH working on our R DAILY and we are BOTH committed to working to rebuild our M. W felt moved by God and is being more affectionate towards me than in the last 5 years in small, but very meaningful ways. We both know it's going to be hard work and just beginning, but we are both committed to making it work day by day now. I have to say out of the 20 so couples there, I think most felt moved in similar ways.
TG, I used your advice of them running away from it, and she passed that test and is still here, but I saw many of the couples try to bolt, but all of them stayed and were glad they did! I have to say, if you can just get your spouse to this, it is a miracle!!! More later and followup. I pray for all of you and thank you again for your prayers! J
Great update! Looking forward to seeing your next set of updates. Wishing you the best of luck in the coming weeks and months!
Awesome jlove, simply awesome !
I'm so jealous.
(that's my way of encouraging you)
pic.
Congrats Jlove, these positive stories keep us motivated so please continue to share and be aware that your work is still just beginning. Good Luck!!
Congrats Jlove, these positive stories keep us motivated so please continue to share and be aware that your work is still just beginning. Good Luck!!
Yes I know that the work is just beginning. Great feeling is W didn't want to go to followup meetings, but now is excited to and excited about the whole process. That is inspiration for me after the last 5 months.
I also know that ANY positive story here can be inspiring so I feel moved to share as I can with this board so everyone will keep fighting for their M. May god bless us all!
That's great news, jlove! I hope that someday I will have that chance to attend a Retrouvaille weekend with my wife. One can only hope and pray, right?
The most powerful thing to come out of the weekend is how we are now both on the same page and committed to R and working on it daily. W is now onboard with followup and "inspired" to work on it!
We have been discovering we have many of the same feelings about it and it's beyond incredible! We have a long way to go but day by day I think we'll get there together. Truly think Retrouvaille was a miracle for us! will blog more later. J
The most powerful thing to come out of the weekend is how we are now both on the same page and committed to R and working on it daily. W is now onboard with followup and "inspired" to work on it!
We have been discovering we have many of the same feelings about it and it's beyond incredible! We have a long way to go but day by day I think we'll get there together. Truly think Retrouvaille was a miracle for us! will blog more later. J
That's wonderful! Onward and upward for you two, eh?
Is this a hyper-religious event? I would consider seeing if my w would go - though I question if she would. There is one in my city, but it is after the date for my D. We both believe in God, but we are miles from being Catholic. We go to a very accepting non-dom church.
I hear great things about this event - and I would be open to going if my wife would be. Just don't know if she would or not. Sometimes if she is confronted or challenged she gets uncomfortable and will flee or fold.
Crimson
It's non-denominational.
I believe they have a website for more info.
But we're not allowed to post links.
Google it.
I checked the website and asked for additional info from the folks in my area. Very interested.
So for ANYONE that has been to one of these, what do they ask you to do over the weekend? Is it lectures? Group work? Counseling couple to couple work? Is it emotionally draining? Do fights break out? Are there forced interactions?
As noted, there is one in my city - but about 2 months after our divorce date. I guess the upside there is that there would be no pressure to "save" the marriage per se. I would like to ask my wife to attend (well, ex-wife, as it were) but not sure how she would react to the invite OR the weekend.
She is introverted in a lot of respects and probably wouldn't feel comfortable spilling her guts to a lot of strangers that she has no trust in. But what I hear about this event is so overwhelmingly positive it is worth a try.
Any insight would be great.
Crimson
I checked the website and asked for additional info from the folks in my area. Very interested.
So for ANYONE that has been to one of these, what do they ask you to do over the weekend? Is it lectures? Group work? Counseling couple to couple work? Is it emotionally draining? Do fights break out? Are there forced interactions?
As noted, there is one in my city - but about 2 months after our divorce date. I guess the upside there is that there would be no pressure to "save" the marriage per se. I would like to ask my wife to attend (well, ex-wife, as it were) but not sure how she would react to the invite OR the weekend.
She is introverted in a lot of respects and probably wouldn't feel comfortable spilling her guts to a lot of strangers that she has no trust in. But what I hear about this event is so overwhelmingly positive it is worth a try.
Any insight would be great.
Crimson
Wow, you've inspired me to think that it's never to late to ASK our WAS (even if they've walked out and filed and checked out) to give it one last shot.
Well, the site says it's also for couples that are separated OR divorced already. Why not take a shot at it??
Crimson
Well, the site says it's also for couples that are separated OR divorced already. Why not take a shot at it??
Crimson
On their site it says that "Many lawyers and judges send couples to Retrouvaille as a prerequisite to filing for a divorce or rendering final decisions." so I asked my paralegal about this (in the context of a couple unable to settle their differences after mediation and before the judge made a final ruling) and this is his response: "As for Retrouvaille, I have never heard of that being ordered. There are all sorts of orders that can be made as part of a custody proceeding: Co-parenting classes, therapy, custody evaluations (which
are expensive), outside mediation, just to name a few. Retrouvaille appears to be more akin to marriage counseling, though I recognize they don't call themselves that. However, I do not think a court would order it as part of the custody matter, though the parties could agree to it if they wanted."
Hmmm.
Looking at their global span, I am going to guess that that statement was in reference to a different country - laws and protocol may be different. Even non-profits engage in marketing
. Can't see how a U.S. family court could push that. Of course, what do I know?
The most powerful thing to come out of the weekend is how we are now both on the same page and committed to R and working on it daily. W is now onboard with followup and "inspired" to work on it!
We have been discovering we have many of the same feelings about it and it's beyond incredible! We have a long way to go but day by day I think we'll get there together. Truly think Retrouvaille was a miracle for us! will blog more later. J
That's wonderful! Onward and upward for you two, eh?
I hope so, it's a long road, but easier to walk with her willingly participating.
Is this a hyper-religious event? I would consider seeing if my w would go - though I question if she would. There is one in my city, but it is after the date for my D. We both believe in God, but we are miles from being Catholic. We go to a very accepting non-dom church.
I hear great things about this event - and I would be open to going if my wife would be. Just don't know if she would or not. Sometimes if she is confronted or challenged she gets uncomfortable and will flee or fold.
Crimson
It's Catholic and Christian, but will be whatever the couple puts into it IMO.
I checked the website and asked for additional info from the folks in my area. Very interested.
So for ANYONE that has been to one of these, what do they ask you to do over the weekend? Is it lectures? Group work? Counseling couple to couple work? Is it emotionally draining? Do fights break out? Are there forced interactions?
As noted, there is one in my city - but about 2 months after our divorce date. I guess the upside there is that there would be no pressure to "save" the marriage per se. I would like to ask my wife to attend (well, ex-wife, as it were) but not sure how she would react to the invite OR the weekend.
She is introverted in a lot of respects and probably wouldn't feel comfortable spilling her guts to a lot of strangers that she has no trust in. But what I hear about this event is so overwhelmingly positive it is worth a try.
Any insight would be great.
Crimson
My W is shy but took it all in, but was moved many times. She didn't want to go, but if you can get your Spouse there, it can be very helpful fro what I've seen!
Also, your W will not spill her guts to the group UNLESS she chose too, no worries there. It is a group event with many 1 on 1 couples breakouts throughout to discuss in the privacy of your room.
Jlove - where was your wife mentally and emotionally with your marriage prior to going to the event? Had she waived the white flag completely? Or had she made any indication that she would be willing to work on it?
I look at your info in your sig and it doesn't appear she ever filed or retained a lawyer - my w has done both. Which is fine, I still will fight for the marriage - I just don't know how badly marriages are defunct or on life support going into the event and how they come out. I mean, are there couples in there starring daggers into each other the first day? Sitting apart?
Sorry to ask so many questions - just curious.
Crimson
Jlove - where was your wife mentally and emotionally with your marriage prior to going to the event? Had she waived the white flag completely? Or had she made any indication that she would be willing to work on it?
I look at your info in your sig and it doesn't appear she ever filed or retained a lawyer - my w has done both. Which is fine, I still will fight for the marriage - I just don't know how badly marriages are defunct or on life support going into the event and how they come out. I mean, are there couples in there starring daggers into each other the first day? Sitting apart?
Sorry to ask so many questions - just curious.
Crimson
She was in a holding pattern and was sort of waiting to see what happened at Retrouvaille. She didn't think it'd help, but I finally got her to agree to go after a huge argument we had.
She hadn't seen Lawyer or made any moves towards that, but had said she wanted to move out. She was just kinda here and going day to day with stuff, but wouldn't ever talk R or show any affection towards me. Not as bad as some.
There were many that were more drastic at the weekend but everyone was much warmer after the weekend was over. Some of the couples we thought wouldn't make it, were loving at the end.
J
I am glad you two made progress.
Sadly my W insisted we leave at the end of day two so as I said it weeds out those who aren't ready.
I feel like I should caution you to keep your expectations low. I think you should be encouraged by her apparent change in commitment but this was won in an environment and spirit of support and healing very different from your daily life.
You have to remain commited to piecing the marriage back together and don't get discouraged if she pulls back.
It may take her longer...than just a weekend is my point.
Don't pressure her. Remember what has gotten you here. Remember your DBing.
Crimson- I went when I was very much separated from the church ( I was raised Catholic) and i was very concerned it was going to be a Bible thumping party.
It was not at all.
There was a priest there but he was not there do give spiritual guidance he was there as a witness to his own failed relationship to his vows as a priest. He was a recovering alcoholic. Very interesting as it related to anyone putting on a mask in a marriage and disquising and hiding themsleves from their true commitment.
I think it is a very powerful program, it difuses conflict and helps couples communicate in a safe and non threatening manner.
J I think the follow on sessions will be very important for you to attend as well.
Keep your courage and your eye on the prize. This is a positive step I think but one of many down a path hopefully to your goal.
Thanks, TG. If you don't mind me asking, what was it that drove your W away from it after day 2? Was it a very negative experience for her? And when you say "not ready" does that mean still kind of emotionally raw. Sorry to pry, just curious.
Crimson
Sorry - didn't see your reply jlove. Thank you for sharing. Sounds like your wife was starting from a somewhat "better" place than others. Still, congrats man - I hope you keep building on the positive momentum and don't get discouraged if things go up and down. After almost 8 months of being apart, I have realized that I would rather fight FOR my wife than fight WITH her. Ironically, one of those actions kinda lead to the other - but I am taking it as a lesson learned.
I still think it is a little early to introduce this topic to my W, but I would like to be in a place where we could eventually.
Crimson
If you don't mind me asking, what was it that drove your W away from it after day 2?
The realization that she had a responsibility to the marriage that she was unwilling to shoulder.
She just wasn't willing or able at that time to pick up her load and carry it.
I think that it is very challenging for someone who has convinced themselves that their spouse is the reason the marriage is failing and the reason that they are unhappy.
Accepting your own part in what is happening is difficult and is what we try to get people to do when they get here.
looking in the mirror is tough when you don't like what you see.
it is esier to deny that it is there. That is why I think the program is good because it forces that issue.
The right outcome emerges. It might not be what you want in that your spouse is still running away but you do get a bit of clarity.
Until your partner does that and has the courage, as you have had, to endeavor to change and be responsible for their own actions and choices...
then you are in for more of the same that brought you here.
If you don't mind me asking, what was it that drove your W away from it after day 2?
The realization that she had a responsibility to the marriage that she was unwilling to shoulder.
She just wasn't willing or able at that time to pick up her load and carry it.
I think that it is very challenging for someone who has convinced themselves that their spouse is the reason the marriage is failing and the reason that they are unhappy.
Accepting your own part in what is happening is difficult and is what we try to get people to do when they get here.
looking in the mirror is tough when you don't like what you see.
it is esier to deny that it is there. That is why I think the program is good because it forces that issue.
The right outcome emerges. It might not be what you want in that your spouse is still running away but you do get a bit of clarity.
Until your partner does that and has the courage, as you have had, to endeavor to change and be responsible for their own actions and choices...
then you are in for more of the same that brought you here.
That is exactly where she broke down! She realized that she hadn't been "doing anything but just being here." she realized that she had to take her part in our R. She said she couldn't breathe and was having a hard time dealing with it, but knew that she had to. I think that was the beginning of the turning point for her. I pray that she keeps feeling and so far she has. Day by day we are taking it.
Hi Jlove,
I know you may have covered this, but how did you know your W was ready to go to Retro?
I've been in my sitch for just over 2 months and I do see my H taking baby steps, but D talk still continues. I just wonder if my H would ever agree to try and work on this R.
Hi Jlove,
I know you may have covered this, but how did you know your W was ready to go to Retro?
I've been in my sitch for just over 2 months and I do see my H taking baby steps, but D talk still continues. I just wonder if my H would ever agree to try and work on this R.
I didn't know, and she even told me that she didn't want to and didn't want to be there the 1st day. We were in a holding pattern making no progress and just kind of existing. I know she is a religious person and somewhere inside her didn't want to quit on us. We just needed to get to that.
Jlove, I'm happy for you that your sitch took a good turn. I really hope for you that you and W continue to grow together and she doesn't panic and go back to square one kind of like mine did (haven't done RV).
My W is currently unwilling to cut her friendship with OM right now, and I'm basically ready to call it all off. Would RV be a good idea at this time? As much as I want to end it to enforce my boundaries, I also don't want to leave any stone unturned.
Thank you Ben! I know how that "friendship" with OM can feel and make you not who you want to be. The best advice I can give to you is to focus on you, and do your best to forget about OM. I know it's a heck of a lot harder to do, trust me.
I say this because he is truly a symptom of the illness in your relationship right now. If you fix the R, he's not an issue. I know this is easier said than done.
If you can get her to RV, you will begin to deal with your and her feelings, and she'll have to look into all that. In my sitch, since RV, we've only been focused on US. OM hasn't come up YET (I decide to trust her when she says she's no communication). We are dealing with our feelings. In my sitch, my W knows she made mistakes, I've made mistakes and we have to forgive.
We also have to rebuild trust in one another, so that issue is here. I have Decided to give her my trust (along with my love, of course), so with that is a boundary. Does that make sense?
I am more at peace than I've been in months, because I'm focused on me and my feelings which I control, and my wife mostly feels the peace and it allows US to heal in a positive way. For emotional me, this is a 180 wide as the Grand Canyon. I'm no fool to think it'll always be easy, but if I can be at peace and just worry about that and smoothing the road, that is at least half the battle.
Glad for you, thankful for you, and praying for you! Please GIVE ADVICE
Congratulations, Jlove. It always warms my heart to read the stories of people who went to Retrouvaille and had a breakthrough. Retrouvaille was the turning point in my marriage 4 years ago, and we have never returned to the troubled times that we had before the weekend. It was amazing how the experience changed us and made us better people. Not just a better couple; but people who no longer always put themselves first. For me, that was the biggest change.
The first week after Retrouvaille was very scary for me. I kept thinking we would revert back; that the change wouldn't last. But each Sunday when we went to the Post sessions, I felt the relationship strengthen. And then, after 6 post sessions, we were graduates! I couldn't believe it. I still felt like a little kid swimming in the deep end of the pool without adequate supervision. But we did it. We continued on the journey ourselves.
We kept in touch with one couple from the weekend who lived near us. It was good to have another couple to share the experience with. And we became volunteers for Retrouvaille. It's good four times a year to go and see those people again. People who have love for each other in their eyes. Jlove, you know what I mean. I'm sure you saw it this weekend.
anyway, just wanted to say I am happy for you. Don't get lazy though. do the homework just as they tell you to. Everyday you are building a better marriage as surely as if you were building a new house to live in.
Lotus
Thanks for the insight jlove. Some good things for me to think about. 25 dropped by my thread already and got me thinking and this is just more to chew on. I'm going to read your story front to back when I get a chance. You might be hearing from me soon with more questions!
In the meantime, please keep us updated. Even if it's a story where you couldve done something dumb or almost overreacted about something small but didn't, think about posting. Sometimes all I need is to hear about people having success to give me a bit more fuel. Feel like I'm sucking fumes a lot lately.
Take care, and I sincerely hope you keep making progress!
Congratulations, Jlove. It always warms my heart to read the stories of people who went to Retrouvaille and had a breakthrough. Retrouvaille was the turning point in my marriage 4 years ago, and we have never returned to the troubled times that we had before the weekend. It was amazing how the experience changed us and made us better people. Not just a better couple; but people who no longer always put themselves first. For me, that was the biggest change.
The first week after Retrouvaille was very scary for me. I kept thinking we would revert back; that the change wouldn't last. But each Sunday when we went to the Post sessions, I felt the relationship strengthen. And then, after 6 post sessions, we were graduates! I couldn't believe it. I still felt like a little kid swimming in the deep end of the pool without adequate supervision. But we did it. We continued on the journey ourselves.
We kept in touch with one couple from the weekend who lived near us. It was good to have another couple to share the experience with. And we became volunteers for Retrouvaille. It's good four times a year to go and see those people again. People who have love for each other in their eyes. Jlove, you know what I mean. I'm sure you saw it this weekend.
anyway, just wanted to say I am happy for you. Don't get lazy though. do the homework just as they tell you to. Everyday you are building a better marriage as surely as if you were building a new house to live in.
Lotus
Thank you, we are focused on the homework and following up. It is like a breath of fresh air in our marriage. That's awesome that you volunteer! It is a day by day focus and it will take the work to make it better, but I think we both want and see we can do it now. I do know what you mean about the love in their eyes too. It was so powerful I'm seeing my priest to discuss, I've never witness anything as powerful as what I saw there. Someone else put it from Matthew, "whenever two or more are gathered in my name, I am with them."
Glad for you, thankful for you, and praying for you! Please GIVE ADVICE
Thank you for the prayers and kindness. I will give all the advice I can give. It's the least I can do given all the help I've received from others!
RE: RETROVAILLE...
though it was started by Catholics in Canada, they offer non-denominational ones as well.
Also, my h is not Catholic (although he's not bigoted against the Church I knew he would not be in the mood to hear any dogma and frankly, I wasn't either).
Our Retrovaille was technically Catholic. You could NOT tell that at all. There were four guide couples who told us their stories and how they worked things out...They do this in pieces and you get exercises too.
There's no public disclosure needed, shared, or expected and there is no shaming. A lot of the work is done as a couple in private after a topic is discussed and you do follow up.
BTW there was a retired priest in the background who said if anyone felt harmed by the Church or organized religion, he was available to discuss that. I thought that was sort of brave. He may have lead a prayer or two but the only feeling I got was pretty generic. No dogma was presented and it's hardly a place for converting.
I think an adamant atheist would be uncomfortable b/c they do discuss a "spiritual connection" between spouses and the word "God" too. But at least at ours, in this area, the religious aspects were extremely generic.
We felt very comfortable and my h isn't a church goer atm.
If you can get a spouse there you won't be harmed and the marriage may get a victorious miracle or a second chance.
I have heard of rare occasions where a spouse left but that is NOT Retrovaille's issue or fault. It's the spouse who left. If an affair or guilt inducing event is going on, that's a separate issue.
They interview you on the phone before coming to get you to "buy into" working on the marriage and NOT an OP while you attend...which makes sense.
Good luck, feel free to ask more if you want
I HIGHLY recommend it and felt got us from "piecing" to a "restored marriage"...
although in truth I also think "Piecing" is a life long process...
Jlove,
How are things going? Been about a week since your last post. Hope things are well!
Ben, thanks for the encouragement. Things are going very well, thanks! We are what I think piecing our R back together now. we are doing the daily dialogue and keeping up with the post-session schedule. Getting her to Retrouvaille was the best thing I could have done, because she is actually trying to work with me now!
We are not where I'd like to be, but I have hope we will soon! I have decided to trust her and she knows that so that and the dialogue is benefiting us. It really is like we're almost starting over again. I am trying to just be as kind as positive as i can towards her and I think her faith in God is carrying her into working with me to restore our M. She has made many small changes in her attitude in the past 2 weeks since we went. It's been powerful to say the least.
Taking it day by day, but just keeping busy so haven't posted much due to it going well and I want to keep that momentum.
That's awesome man! Very happy for you. It's amazing what can be done when both parties are working towards a common goal.
My MC told my W and I he could be the worst MC in the world, and our M would work if we both wanted it to.
I wrote my W a hand-written letter recently, and she should be receiving shortly. If anything comes of it, maybe we could attend RV ourselves. While I'm sure it's not the magic pill, it sounds to have quite a decent response.
Keep doing what works! Slow progress is still progress! Good luck bud.
Still making progress step by step. Yesterday we attended post-session 2 and have been continuing dialog daily. We are still staying away from heavier stuff, but that will come in time.
It's almost like we're dating again, just with all the history behind us. I'm pretty confident we'll reconcile fully at the end of this road and be stronger for all this--that is the good I see out of this mess!!!
As I look back on the last 5 months, I realize that I took this time to grow more than I EVER have in my life. I feel confident about myself there and am becoming the man that "any woman would be a fool to leave." That makes me feel good.
W and I still have a long way to go, but we've talked a lot lately that our family is #1 priority, and we both want a stable, loving home for our family and we're working towards that. So knowing that we're on the same page and share the same faith gives me confidence in us.
Don't get me wrong, it's still HARD at times, but I try to focus more on positives and things I control, so that gives me peace, that and my trust in the Lord.
Jlove - Thanks for keeping us posted on your progress. It sounds like you are doing really well with what is obviously a lot of worthy hard work. Your faith is certainly a source of strength that allows you to persevere.
Your updates are encouraging to many of us still struggling to find a way towards reconciliation.
Keep up the good work!
Thanks 2tp! I remember wanting/needing to hear positive stories when I 1st started lurking here, so I'm trying to blog my trials and tribulations to help/encourage others in any way I can.
Yes, without my faith, I am confident that my life would have self-destructed in many ways and many times over the past 6 months. Even with it, it still almost did at times. My faith will keep me on.
Prayers out to all of you in DB land tonight!!!
J
Still keeping up with dialogue and moving forward day by day. W does seem committed to working on R, so we march on.
Besides a lack of much physical intimacy, although she has never been the type to pour it out, I'd say we're super. We are still learning and growing, so I think we'll get there. She knows that intimacy is important to me.
On to week 3 post session.
Peace to all of you. J
Great to hear jlove! Keep doing whatever you're doing. It seems to be working. I'm sure the physical intimacy will come soon enough.
Have a good session and a great weekend
Thanks for the encouragement Ben. Have a great weekend too! Prayers out.
It sounds like you are doing great! Keep up the great work!
I'm sure you've mentioned this before, but how did you get your wife to go to Retrouvaille? I'm just curious...
So happy for you, JL, and the progress you have made on yourself and your M. Very inspiring for the rest of us. Btw, do you happen to know if RV accepts lesbian couples? I know it is connected with the Catholic faith but I could not find the info online. Thank you
It sounds like you are doing great! Keep up the great work!
I'm sure you've mentioned this before, but how did you get your wife to go to Retrouvaille? I'm just curious...
I sent her the link and asked her about it about 3 months before. She didn't want to go, then after a big argument we got in during a heated moment, she said she'd go and at least check it out. I signed us up and she reluctantly stuck with it. She even said after the confirmation phone call that there was no way she was going to any post meeting workshops. I just said let's see how it goes and now she is on board and trying to work it. It's been a miracle for our relationship and I think will end up saving our M.
So happy for you, JL, and the progress you have made on yourself and your M. Very inspiring for the rest of us. Btw, do you happen to know if RV accepts lesbian couples? I know it is connected with the Catholic faith but I could not find the info online. Thank you
Thank you for the kindness! I don't know if they do or not, but you could e-mail the contact for your local RV and ask. Good luck in your sitch! J
RV went well yesterday. We are getting into the decision to love. I have always believed it to be a decision, W not really. She has been caught up on the fleeting feeling, but hearing it from others and ironically she has the book but hasn't read it.
She is making progress in starting to realize that I have been the one doing the lifting now (I call it my cross to bear) and she has to pick up and thinking about deciding to love again and how to express that. We are still baby steps, but talking all this though is progress and she is trying now by more than "just being there."
Her expressing this gives me strength to carry on, even if I'm still not getting all back in return now that I need. Day by day...
J
I'm so glad that things are going well for you. There will always be good and bad days/times, but at least she's willing to work on things with you. That is so great to hear.
J it is great to read about your progress, thank you for sharing your story!
So happy for you! Sounds like things are really taking a turn for the better!
Still day by day. We keep up with the daily RV dialogue and discussions. W said that is her showing her commitment to me now. I see that, still hard for me when my intimacy tank is so low after 6 months of this. I believe that the re-establishment of dialogue will open up for intimacy down the road though.
I know I have it better than some here, not really complaining, just venting. I am human and I have those thoughts at times that maybe I'd be better off leaving her and finding another one of the millions of women out there looking for a good man. I don't really want to do that, and I think about the example I'm setting for my kids, just can't help but think at times.
Later,
J
I think about the example I'm setting for my kids
This is so important.
As with many things in these sitches, there are those polar thoughts of staying together "for the kids" and the kids should not be a reason to stay in an unhappy M.
My opinion is you are asking the right question.
Regardless of what you do, what example are you setting for the kids...
A person could leave an abusive M and still set a bad example, just as a person staying in a good M and setting a bad example.
Creating a positive context and showing positive behaviour regardless of the sitch is an awesome path.
Dialogue has been going well this week. Talking about R in non-confrontational ways is key. W in non-confrontational by nature, so I make headway there.
She seeks a peaceful home, and I have been at peace with myself the last month, so that is going smoother. Last night we talked about Trust, and how I was blown away as I had always trusted her unconditionally until the last 6 months. She really has a kind nature, but I think got so "checked out" that she lost herself in the EA fog. We haven't talked about it lately, but I think she really regrets what she did, knows it's wrong, and is trying to right it. I think me constantly beating it over her head further drove her away the 1st 4 months after bomb.
So, I have to forgive and let it go. I have, but it's the not forgetting part that's hard. It gets better over time, but after losing trust, there's still that doubt at times. It does get better.
Hey J- Appreciate you keeping us posted and its nice to see a sitch working towards R, it gives many of us hope.
Where and what are your current expectations at with your w?
Hey J- Appreciate you keeping us posted and its nice to see a sitch working towards R, it gives many of us hope.
Where and what are your current expectations at with your w?
I am really just taking it day by day now. I have to say I expect us to fully reconcile. It's been almost 6 months since bomb and our R is much better than its been in years--minus sex. I think really the only thing that would derail us is me at this point.
I say that in that I need and crave intimacy that she cannot give me at this point yet (sex). I understand and think she will down the road (she's told me she will and please be patient) and is making headway, but I'm impatient and how long can/will I wait for her there? i don't really have a timeline on it, just ask myself about it often. I pray on this for strength so I think I can make it. I avoid situations alone with women right now and will not get close to one because I know I am weak here at this point. I've never cheated on a woman, but I know enough that anyone could and i'm weak now due to all of this.
Basically I'm just trying to be patient and rebuild intimacy in all other areas with her at this time, hoping it won't be too long till we have sex again.
So, I have to forgive and let it go.
Don't do it for her.
Do it for YOU.
Wether you decide to be with her or not.
If you decide to be with her I think she has to show you equal commitment.
Only you know if that has happened.
You have gained some hard ground. Give it like its gold.
I don't mean be stubborn
I mean she should show you its worth giving the ground.
So, I have to forgive and let it go.
Don't do it for her.
Do it for YOU.
Wether you decide to be with her or not.
If you decide to be with her I think she has to show you equal commitment.
Only you know if that has happened.
You have gained some hard ground. Give it like its gold.
I don't mean be stubborn
I mean she should show you its worth giving the ground.
TG, you always come in to this with sage advice! Thanks!
Yes, I know forgiveness is a gift to myself. I agree with the commitment, the trick is how long I wait for the same level from her? I have been the one doing the heavy lifting and she acknowledges it too. She knows she has to meet me in the middle eventually and has been dialoguing with me on that, when will that be? That's the 10,000 question. I do see enough progress from her the past month to know she's working on it and is aware of her part in any R. There's plenty of hope and I know that I'll be fine!
i'm really happy to hear about your RV experience. i am on a much different path w/ RV but feel it has done tremendous things in improving communication at least between H and i. it is definitely hard work. i agree completely. next week.. intimacy.. and sexual intimacy. that shall be a loaded topic. lol! good luck! although you may be on a different schedule then i am.
Good luck to you too BF. Was wondering yesterday how it was going for you. Keep at the dialogue if you can. It's definately a marathon!!!
Intimacy, yes I agree. We'll see.
I am now moving this thread to the piecing section. I will update more later but W has made a full commitment to me and our R. I feel like I'm in a new marriage with her and she is acting like a new wife in many ways towards me. It's like we're in the honeymoon phase again. She told me the other day that "It's going to work." She initiates contact with me, tells me she loves me 1st again, etc.
This is because of Retrouvaille and more importantly, the power of God and the Holy Spirit. We cannot describe it, but just need to continue to work together and get thru the roller coaster rides of live. I pray for all of your marriages out there and wish you all peace. J
Well done, jlove. It's always wonderful to read success stories here. Best of luck in your piecing!
J
I am so proud of you, I will try to follow you over there.
TG, You have been and continue to be a source of inspiration for me. Thank you for all you do!!! J
Well done J.
And as you know it's a marathon, not a sprint. Your bomb was 6 months ago and that probably feels like 6 YEARS ago, but it's not.
We liked retrovaille A LOT. We backslid when we forgot to "work the program" so I forwarn you
don't get too cocky or you'll need a refresher! Still, I'm very happy for you two.
Congrats!
We'll all be crossing our fingers and rooting for you!
MLC, thanks! You were there for me too! Eternal thanks. Yes, the dialogue has to continue and it's a freakin triathalon! Backslides will happen. We have to work harder than we ever worked before, but regardless, I am a better man now than I was 6 months ago. As TG and others taught me, that is what I want to leave my kids. Lesson learned. Peace. J
Atta boy jlove. Keep it up!