Apologies beforehand for the lengthy narrative…..I have been lurking the last week or so and feel I want to share my story for help/assistance:
Married to my beautiful wife (almost) 9 years this June with 3 amazing kids (7, 5, 1.5). About a month ago, my W hit me with the bombshell to which I was completely devastated and shocked! My first response during the next few days was (like most men I assume) trying to solve the problem and suggesting that it was just a phase. Little did I know that it would evolve into much more than a phase….
Her reasoning for ‘ILYBINILWY’ is that I haven’t really changed the last few years and during many of our heated arguments I tend to classically withdraw or paint my W in such a way that I feel she is trying to control me. My inability to change thus far has led her to require less and less of me over time and she just stopped asked for stuff. Stopped asking me to change or do anything. Let me say that I try to be very active around the house, cleaning when necessary, helping with the kids, etc…, so it’s not that. I provide financially and consider myself a pretty active dad. Her needs are more attention, listening, understanding how she feels, and for me to not withdraw during arguments or always solve her problems.
Around the same time she said ‘ILYBINILWY’ she also made an ‘emotional connection’ with someone. One seemed to trigger the other. It was one 2-3 hr. conversation and a few emails/texts over the period of 2.5 weeks. After I found out, W told me that the OM listened, was attentive, etc…the things that I had not done the last 2 years. There was no PA. I do not know if this qualifies as an EA or not, but she felt (feels) a connection. I discovered all of this by snooping….she had changed her email/FB passwords and I eventually uncovered everything almost 3 weeks ago. She had scheduled a time to meet with OM on April 1st for 2 hrs. I found out beforehand and confronted her about it and during a heated argument asked that she leave the house, not come back, and that I was done with our relationship. I can’t be sure, but this could have been an awakening of sorts for her. She returned later that night and we talked and she said she would sever communication with the OM, give me her email/FB passwords to reestablish trust, and make an effort to work on the relationship. Since then she’s said (as early as a week ago) that she still thinks about OM (how he’s doing, etc..), even indicated that she was slightly depressed about it, but insists she will not act on it.
She tells me that she loves me (almost like she loves our kids), but as of now, is NOT in love with me. I have made all of the classic blunders these last few weeks: snooping, lying about the snooping and getting caught, told her parents about the EA and what was going on (only b/c I didn’t have anyone else to talk to about it), confronting, pleading, I’ve suffocated her with articles, website, books I’m reading, found out the OMs cell/home #, email, home address, etc… and told wife what I know about him, almost every classic blunder, yes, I’ve done them all during this brief period;\
I purchased DB this week and have given her space these last 3-4 days, started yoga yesterday, and have joined this board today in the hopes of getting my wife back! We’ve gone to MC (1 couples session so far, 2 individual for me, and we have couples session scheduled for next week). She doesn’t think the MC sessions will help her feel any different. I had planned on taking her out to dinner after the session and she has agreed. Is it too soon for that if she agreed?
I’m so lost and am unsure of what to do at this point. There’s been no contact with the OM in almost two weeks, which I assume is a good thing. Do I continue to ask her about this? Is she thinking about him/EA and not telling me? She said it was more of what he did than anything….She’s NOT A WAW, still wearing our rings, doesn’t want to leave the house, we sleep in the same bed, there’s no real hostility towards one another, but there’s also little conversation. She has an excellent moral code, but made a bad decision during her weakened state….I get that. Rather than husband/wife, we appear to be roommates or friends at this point….
I’m just so confused on how to approach this and would sincerely appreciate any guidance or direction at this point. The last few weeks I did what I thought was appropriate and that has had the opposite effect. She has the ‘I don’t know’ syndrome at the moment when I ask her what she wants. She wants happiness but can’t define it, she doesn’t know if happiness=staying together or separation/divorce. Every question ends in an ‘I don’t know’ answer….She’s suggested that she doesn’t know (at her present state) if staying together for the sake of the kids is enough, but doesn’t want to be the one who breaks up the family. She must be wrestling with so much that it hurts me too.
Individual space seems to be working at the moment, but is there such a thing as too much space??? Will she see that as my not wanting to engage her? Is the ILYBINILWY something that can be overcome with time and patience? Is it a decision based on my past inabilities to change, and if so, can she make the decision to love again as she sees positive changes??? I’ve made a number of observable changes that I think she’s noticed but has not said anything, which I expect her not to.
I’m just such a different person now (in the way I think, feel, and speak)….the person I think she’s always wanted (and deserved) all along, but is it too late? Am I too late??? She wants to give it a try to see if our marriage can work, but for how long??? How long do I have??? As you can see, I have so much going on in my head right now and would be much obliged for some help
Welcome to the board
Read DR/DB books that you pruchased.
Have you read the 37 rules?
How old are you and your wife?
You are on moderation right now.
Please stick to this thread until you get to 100 posts.
You posted this same thing 3 times.
You need to learn patience.
Post in small frequent amounts until you get off of moderation.
My guess is that your wife is still not all in on the marriage.
She is being led by her emotions and not by YOU.
I would not believe anything she says and 1/2 of what she does.
Have no expectations.
Keep posting and reading.
Individual space seems to be working at the moment, but is there such a thing as too much space??? Will she see that as my not wanting to engage her? Is the ILYBINILWY something that can be overcome with time and patience? Is it a decision based on my past inabilities to change, and if so, can she make the decision to love again as she sees positive changes??? I’ve made a number of observable changes that I think she’s noticed but has not said anything, which I expect her not to.
IMHO this is not about YOU.
This is about HER.
But the only person that YOU can CONTROL is YOU.
So stop worrying about what you need to do to WIN her back and start making changes for YOU.
Keep giving her space and let her control the contact.
I think first of all you have to try and understand and ACCEPT what your W is FEELING, knowing you cannot manipulate that.
Here is a post from Michelle I found at the "Advice from wise DB'ers" forum (great place BTW) which may help you understand a little better.
From Michele, re: Concerning "I don't know if I love you anymore"
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Tim,
I share your feeings about the "I love you but I'm not in love with you anymore," or something like that syndrome. It's exasperating.
But I don't think it's as confusing as you do. Love is a decision. It's not just a feeling. In order to maintain love over time, you have to decide each morning to do the things that will bring you close to your spouse and stop doing things that push you further away. You need to spend time together. YOu need to listen to each other, talk, make love, show interest in your spouse's life. Love is a decision to do all these things even when you aren't feeling crazy about your spouse. Love is a commitment.
So when one person says, "I don't love you anymore," what s/he is saying is "I don't feel like putting energy into this marriage." "I'm going to focus on all the bad times we've had and that will make me feel distant from you." "If I feel distant and separate from you, I can focus on me and make myself happy." It really is a decision to cut oneself off from positive feelings about the marriage.
If you've had good times together in your marriage, those memories don't just disappear. They live within us. However, sometimes when people burn out in a marriage, they bury those good feelings and memories so deep, it almost seems as if they're not there anymore. People convince themselves that the loving feelings have evaporated. They sometimes even tell themselves that they never loved you in the first place. This allows them to pull away. IT's a rationalization. But it's a rationalization that really hurts when you are the receiver of it.
So I understand your feelings. But you need to remember that whatever you feel in your heart about your marriage is real. Your wife's current perspective is colored by her need to pull away right now. Don't over-react and whatever you do, stop trying to point out to her that she isn't thinking clearly or seeing things accurately. That will only make her more certain she doesn't love you. And I know you don't want that.
Keep DBing and hang in there.
Michele
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alby44,
She was vulnerable and found it easy to "connect" with OM. Though she is responsible for her own choices, you do see that her vulnerability was partly your fault don't you? The feelings she got from connecting with OM is just a catalyst for the other problems in the MR, but a powerful narcotic, and like a narcotic, she'll experience some withdrawl.
The good thing for you is: she's still confused and balancing her morality with her "needs" and vision of the future. Heck, she's even told you what those needs are ! And you're right she's not a WAW yet. You have opportunity but exercise patience, lots of patience. Where's that guy she fell in love with and married and had three kids with? I assume there was at least some emotional connection back then. Good luck and heed Cadet's words.
The only person you control is YOU.
HI Alby44
Sorry you are here....I am in a similar position except my W is not willing to work on the marriage and wants a separation.
As well as the good advise above, its imperative that your dont pressurise her in any way, dont seek reassurance and dont raincheck the R. all the time.
Your W has negative feelings towards you, she wont come back to you until those negative feelings are gone.
Write done all the changes in You that SHE perceives since you got marriaged. Try to rediscover the man she fell in love with.
Also take care of yourself: get fitter, eat healthier, get enough SLEEP, its very important for your mental wellbeing.
Take Care
Brief update in what may be the torpedoing of my marriage:
W and I talked over the weekend and I pried for information on the OM and feelings. Dummy me....she tells me that she thinks she 'could' love him. After only a few encounters, I'm baffled. So, I respond by saying I thought it best that she move out until she figure things out. Classic fool. Also said to her that I felt that I was done and wanted to move ahead with Divorce (which I absolutely do not). She's still here, but I'm sure these two statements have broken whatever spirit she had to try and work through this.
I feel like whatever progress (however little) has been made, I've now blown it.
I can't seem to gain ground on what it is I'm supposed to do in this situation. I'm going to try and give her as much space as possible at this point and hope that she want to work through this.
Any help/suggestions is much appreciated!
Thanks all for the sound advice...much of it is finally beginning to sink it (and none too late I hope).
There's no where to go but up from here (literally and figuratively). Hard to believe that this has only been going on for about a month, but after 3.5 long weeks of the emotional roller coaster that I (and my W) have been on, I think I may have finally stabilized myself....hopefully not too late.
In the beginning, is it always like this when you go through it....are your emotions always in a constant state of flux. Are you hopeful one day, then depressed the next? Yesterday was not a good day, but today starts out as a good one.
My own need for information during the last few weeks has kept this state of flux going, kept my W in an up/down state along with me, and now that I know all there is to know (or so I believe) I think I can finally focus on reconciliation. Whatever damage I've done to this point, I hope (and still believe) there is a part of her that wants to see this work. I hold on to that glimmer of hope.
She is an amazing woman and mother...who's husband has seen the error of his ways.
InAPickle: Thank you for sharing the above info...I'm a believer as well that being 'in love' is a decision and hope that I can help my W decide to love me again
Time and patience are (and must now be) my watchwords.
Hello Everyone,
A quick note in observance of my W's behavior. She's become much more 'in-tune' with music lately....more so now than ever before. I see her watching/listening to Pandora/Youtube lately and am inclined to think that the songs she listens too have deep meaning for her.
Last Friday, she listened to Alan Jackson's 'Remember When' and cried....cried because she didn't know if falling back in love could happen again. I empathized with her on this and suggested that this will take time.
She's also listening to a lot of Jason Mraz lately...I youtubed one of the songs that she was listening to on Pandora yesterday....I Won't Give Up...[b][edited by dbmod: links outside this website are not allowed][/b]. Is this her own way of being committed to working on this? The lyrics speak to me in that way and I wouldn't want to misinterpret.
[i][/i]
Had a pleasant distraction today with my wife that helped to take my mind off of things....
Sunny and 78 today where I live and our kids were outside playing after I got home from work...oldest two were playing ball together while my wife and I played with our youngest. Wife and I rocked for a few minutes on our porch swing. We all laughed together and I wasn't thinking about relationship stuff and was more focused on having fun with our kids. I couldn't help but smile on the inside as we felt like a complete family for the first time in 4 weeks.
I await the day where our paths converge on one another.
Time and patience are my watchwords.
alby,
Please note my edit above. No outside links are allowed. Otherwise, your posts are fine.
dbmod
Hi alby...
regarding your post about getting off moderation. You may already be, and you will know that is true when you post and it shows up immediately.
In the mean time, post short... post in others threads to provide support, even if it's just "yeah, I feel for you, hang in there" (which most newbies have indicated they really appreciate... support, not just advice, is important to folks here)...
Posting 10 times a day won't get you unmoderated faster... i don't think... but post at least daily on your thread... and you will be off moderation as quicker as possible....
Alby,
I get a sense that now is not the time to reason, debate, discuss or negotiate. It's all about her feelings, the music, the uncertainty, the desire to escape, the doubt, the guilt - it can be overwhelming. You need to be a rock, a lighthouse, a tower of strength.
Some might disagree and say you shouldn't be just a back up plan, but hey, if you become a man only a fool would leave, then a fool's a fool. You can't do anything about that.
But you can listen. Just STFU and listen. Remember, this is all about whether she feels staying with you is going to be the same ole same ole or better than before, lasting changes, permanant changes - that takes a lot of time. Sometimes it takes more, maybe seperation even, but don't be discouraged.
Be prayin' for ya.
Pic.
In a less crisis sitch, I totally agree with pickle that for the most part... woman want men to be their strength and to be present for them... and men just want their W's to be happy... and to feel that they have contributed to that happiness...
I don't even know that by totally giving to one's spouse in an unconditional and loving way... regardless of what we get back... especially if we don't get back... that we can't turn our sitches around...
The beauty of DBing... the books (DB and the newer, DR) and this forum are great resources to help us navigate some of the obstacles we find ourselves in...
I think what most of us find is... the only thing in our way... is ourselves...
Pic: That's been my problem this whole time...until now. I've tried to reason, debate, discuss, etc...to no avail. I understand that this is now about what she is feeling.
I intend to listen...plain and simple, and make the right changes to improve my inner core.
I've bounced around through blogs, books, and otherwise these last few weeks and finally landed here last week (I hope not too late). I've seen some wonderful advice being shared and some amazing turnaround success stories here. I'm glad I found an outlet here and look forward to sharing my own story (however it concludes).
Time and patience.
Took a leap of faith this morning that I hope will pay dividends....
There's been lack of trust on W's and my part for almost a month now. To help mitigate that, W provided me with email password and I used that to gain access to FB account last week. I haven't trusted much these days.....I feel terrible doing it b/c I didn't trust and I've essentially cut off outlets for to connect with that might also help her through this process. In an effort to continue with my own 180, I want to give her those outlets back. I've asked her to change her passwords so she can gain pieces of her life back. My hope is that this will help to restore a little faith back in each of us.
I so want to trust her and I'm tired of my own guilt and the lying. As I left for work this morning, I felt a calming sensation warm over me. It feels quite freeing to not feel the need to spy, I can only hope that I will not be let down by this.
Please don't let me be wrong about this.
One more thing: Don't try to "guilt" her into anything. That usually doesn't work and actually takes away from your attraction. Do what gets positive results, discard what brings negatives.
I'm sorry for your situation. I know it's difficult. I don't have much for advice, but hang in there. You can control yourself and take a break from your thoughts. I find that in these tough times happiness becomes a choice. You can choose to take a break and be happy.
BOMBSHELL was dropped today....
Found wife and OM at a park today for a meetup (youngest daughter was in tow as well). I'm devastated. Find out that this was scheduled since Sunday. Filled with anger, disappointment, and betrayal over this. Can there be any way back from this?
We've lied sooo much to each other these last few weeks that I'm tired of it....I want to trust her, she wants to trust me....how can two people begin to restore trust in each other when there's little to go on?
Should I forgive her for this? I'm not sure why, but I think I want to....Should she forgive me for the lies and spying that I've committed? I want her to.
I want to forgive (and her forgive me as well) for the sake of our family....for our kids, the possible future...I still believe in the belief that this can work. Am I a fool for thinking this? Can there be a return to happiness if we can work through this?
Hi alby-
I'm so sorry. I'm equally sorry that moderation is delaying your posts at this time. You will be approved shortly.
Forgive your wife. Just do it. Just begin again. Be kind, patient, it will pay off GREATLY in the end, you will never regret that. There is ALWAYS time to cut things short. Right now, open your heart to as much understanding as you can.
Be good to yourself as well. Cut yourself that same kind of slack, while giving yourself no other out but...improvement.
You are not a fool. You are a good person.
Hang in there, you CAN do this.
Been a few days since my last update, so I thought I'd share in the latest.....
W and me are on moderate speaking terms....not really talking about M or R at this point. We're co-existing together I guess. Trying very hard to work on the 37 rules and I must say, I do feel better about myself. A few things I've done:
-Been working out for the last week with weights....I forgot what it felt like to have testosterone flowing through my body. Incredible feeling
-I've stopped snooping, no pulse-checking, no R talk
We've lied to each other soooo much in the last month and I hope we can turn the corner to be able to forgive. She's so distant and angry with me b/c of what I did (told her parents, etc...). I hope that we can begin to forgive each other for this.
Anger and animosity...how do I help my W (if I can) move beyond these two feelings? Before landing here, I broke a few of the rules...namely, involving her parents, snooping, and lying about them both. I feel less inclined to snoop as I once did (perhaps that was a phase) and am trying to rebuild trust by letting her know when her parents contact me.
I'd like to think that this sort of forgiveness will take time and patience...I've started to forgive her for the EA that I hope is now over, but things are at a complete standstill at the moment. Do I give her the time and space that she needs to work through this?
Been away for a few days and wanted to give an update....I suppose I backslid a bit today, but am hopeful I can regain ground.
W went out w/friends last night and I barraged with questions today (who, what, when, etc..). A slight regression, but I want to trust her. Need to step back from all of this and continue to focus on me. She's so angry with me, which I guess is something instead of being indifferent. Says she can't even think about working on the M or R right now.
Suppose I need to go back and re-read DB and 37 rules and apply them all. Some I am applying, others not so much. Perhaps its best that we start out at being friends first? She's given me the blessing of time, and I guess that is something to be thankful for.
Any guidance from vets or otherwise is much appreciated.
alby-
your sitch is alot like mine. W has alot of the same behaviors as yours too. kinda scary. i also act alot like you. doin stuff right only to backslide the next day. it is so hard. i feel your pain. my wife is moving out in 2 weeks. she comes home when she feels like it, doesnt sleep here regularily anymore. be careful.
if you concern yourself to much with her it will baackfire. i did that. i am listening to the wisdom i'm finding here and doing my best to apply it.
Good Luck! I'm hoping all turns out well!
thanks for the advice heartbrokeinsd.....
yeah, i feel like i'm hanging myself with my own rope by backsliding every few days. some days there are no issues....others i get this nagging feeling that I act on. today I did that. need to really back off, give her space, and focus on me more. been away from the boards for a few days, so i was thinking that when I get that nagging feeling perhaps i'll just post here.
good luck to you as well...with so much in common, perhaps we can continue to support each other through this difficult time.
Give her the space... don't ask where she's been. DON'T SNOOP. I know it's hard. I've been there. I found an affair a couple years ago. It ate me alive. I lived and breathed finding more evidence and proof.
I have a new situation now. There may be an affair, so I just assume there is. Confirming the affair wouldn't change much other than my own attitude and emotions.
alby-
thats a good idea..posting here when you get the feelings. i should do that. i just do somethin stupid that usually ends up backfiring. the space thing is very important, at least in my sitch. for some reason that is so hard for me to deal with. why, i don't know.. fear i think. thats not a feeling i'm used to so i try to deal with it the only way i know.. trying to find out whats going on. then i feel like i dont have to be scared. but that usually opens up new fears. a vicious cycle bordering on insanity. i've been trying to figure out a good 180 to do. i think the best one i can do is let go, stop looking and talking about what i think W is lying about. i don't know if it would work for you. let me know what you think.
peace be with you..
heart (and someguy)-
it's great advice...let go, stop looking, and more importantly, THINKING....its the thinking that really drives me crazy. i think then act on it, and then end up prying to find something to confirm what i thought. more often than not it ends up blowing up in my face and i end up being wrong!
Think less...probably the best advice i can follow at this point.
Time and patience...i have to practice at that and allow things to evolve naturally.
Update for today -
W called be upset today b/c her mom called to talk about sitch. Backstory here is that I (mistakenly as I see it now) involved my ILs when I had noone else to turn to...I was looking for advice weeks ago on how to handle things that my W was saying/doing and turned to my ILs. Now, my W and MIL's relationship has almost completely deteriorated and W blames me. All of her anger is fixated on what I did by involving them.
To the vets out there who may have made a similar mistake....did you S forgive you? Did they see through what you did and learned to forgive? I see it was a mistake involving them and hope my W can get past this. Again, still early in my roller coaster ride (about 4-5 weeks since my D-day), but she's completed against even discussing our R or M at this point because of her hostility towards me.
Alby, I think we've all made similar mistakes. It's normal; that shouldn't require an explaination. When you've been rejected, hurt, betrayed, disappointed, whatever, the normal reaction is fear of a very different, scary future than we were expecting and frantically trying to stop the bleeding.
The thing now is deciding whether to remain embroiled in a particular emotional situation or to move forward. Whether we reconcile or divorce, we all had/have to move forward sooner or later; there's no other choice.
It helps to get your emotions under control by detaching, which should be the first order of business for most LBS'ers.
I posted the following in another thread and someone liked it, so it may help you.
"Detachment is a two edged sword. It means you have to sever your emotional connection to your WAS to a certain extent. His/her choices, actions, words have to no longer dictate whether or not you're going to be happy, angry or sad. The hardest part perhaps is deciding that you can be happy without him/her.
I know, it sounds like giving up, but there is a liberation to it. It actually makes it easier for you to work on the things that you want, objectivly, patiently and with a purpose. Remember that there are no guarantees. The only outcome you really want is for you to be happy again.
You can imagine that happiness with him/her in a flourishing marriage. But can you imagine a different outcome? This is the beginning of detachment. you say to yourself someone else is not going to dictate my emotionl state of being.
We've all been here. We've all been basket cases, hurt and in pain, embarassed, betrayed and feeling like failures. But in the end you've got to get to a place of peace and back in control of your emotions. The tools are GAL and taking good care of yourself. It takes time and is not an easy journey."
Once you find that place of relative tranquility, you can objectively "decide" to forgive or not, without dragging your emotional baggage into the decision. Whether or not your WAS forgives you is another one of those choices of "theirs" that you have no control over and mustn't obsess about. You did what you did; it's time to move FORWARD and only learn from past mistakes.
Take care of yourself first and give things time. Remember, forgiveness is easy; it's the forgetting that's tough. That's why these things take time. Don't wear yourself out trying to stop the bleeding.
Pic.
pickle-
that is very well said. stuff to think about. i find myself starting to detach i guess. W didnt call or come home from work till late. i was fine with that. didnt really care. when she did come home she wanted to "talk". which means yell at me and tell me how horrible i am. didnt really phase me. usually after this i cry. no tears came this time.
alby- been thinking alot about you. hoping you are doing okay. keep your head up. i know its hard. keep posting. i look for your posts and keep hoping for you to be doing okay
Thank you both...i know that this will take time and patience. I think that separation is going to be key for me. It's been a roller coaster these last few weeks and I feel I'm ready (or close to it) to begin detaching. I recently started working out again and have reached out to friends who I haven't spoken to in almost 10 yrs.
Last question for the group that I was hoping to get some insight on....I was approached by my company about possibly relocating from Pittsburgh, PA to Philadelphia, PA. Better job, better pay, etc...From my vantage point, I see this as an opportunity to have a new beginning for my family. Yes, the baggage still comes with us, but we get to work on it in a new setting. The In-Laws are also in the area, which gives us a chance to mend fences there too. Am I wrong in thinking that this type of move could be a good thing for my family?
Alby, I do not think the posters on this forum are in any position to advise you on the career move. That is something you need to discuss with your family including your "partner" in so much as she still is.
It could help (or not). I am all for improving one's economic circumstances and providing for family and personal fulfillment. That said, a change of scenery could ease tensions (again or not). Just remember, you M problems are internal for both you and W.
You can change the frame but the picture remains the same.
Move wisely.
alby-
pickle said it. change the frame..i moved my family to another town in 8/11. didn't stop the problems. this is your call. think carefully, make up your mind.
Update from weekend....
Yesterday was a good day. My little guy had his 1st tee ball game, which was a good distraction from R. Good weather, family was together, and it was fun. Went the entire day w/o asking any R or M questions, didn't really poke or prod too much. While I still have this nagging feeling to want to ask questions, I guess it's a small victory that I didn't.
Had a few laughs throughout the day too...nothing major or groundbreaking, but it was good to laugh with her as we haven't done this in several weeks.
Backslid slightly today on my way towards detachment;\
Was submitting a cell phone expense report and ended up reviewing the log of calls from the last few days. Noticed an odd # from a call W had yesterday and ended up opening my big mouth instead of internalizing it. Turns out it was my W's 'friend' who had passed OMs email/number and coordinated a meetup between the two a few weeks ago.
W said conversation was rather casual and didn't want to share with me b/c she thought I would go crazy. As I reflect, I probably should have internalized and just let it go, but looking back on it i see now that I won't go crazy b/c my W spoke to this 'friend.' I guess that's something positive.
Anyway, I feel like it was a minor slip-up toward detachment and nothing major to be concerned with.
Interesting update for the day (that may or may not mean anything...)
W called a few times today to actually 'temperature check' me on if I was going to reach out to this 'friend' in a crazed frenzy. I told her I wouldn't (which I intend to hold to). She said that my behavior has been different the last few days and that it was 'unsettling' to her. She wasn't sure what to make of it.
I thanked her for noticing, but am not clinging to this comment as any potential turnaround. I keep on 'keepin on' with trying to detach and 180 myself. For the first time since my D-day (3-20-12), I feel some semblance of regaining composure with my life.
Looking for some help or assistance as feedback is much appreciated.
My situation is that I was approached about transferring back to to my home area for a position of increased responsibility and pay. There are a multitude of reasons as to why I think this could be a good thing for us:
-Moves my immediate family back (and close to) our secondary family
-increase in pay
-Moves my wife back closer to her mom, which is a relationship that I damaged greatly by involved her when I found out about OM
-I just can't live here anymore.
She has a friend who helped facilitate meetups w/OM. Yes, W made decision to do this, but toxic friend played a part. That's not a friend to me.
Looking for some help or assistance as feedback is much appreciated.
My situation is that I was approached about transferring back to to my home area for a position of increased responsibility and pay. There are a multitude of reasons as to why I think this could be a good thing for us:
-Moves my immediate family back (and close to) our secondary family
-increase in pay (if it comes to D for us, I can better support family needs)
-Moves my wife back closer to her mom, which is a relationship that I damaged greatly by involving her when I found out about OM. I feel I owe it to W and MIL to help mend the relationship that I broke.
-Lastly, I just can't live here anymore. Everyday, I drive by park where she met OM that I busted up two weeks ago. She had my 18 month old daughter with her. Driving by makes me sick to my stomach and my heart breaks a little each day. She has a friend who helped facilitate meetups w/OM. Yes, W made decision to do this, but toxic friend played a part. That's not a friend to me, and yet, she still continues to talk with her.
I understand that our problems still go with us if we move, but for me, there's reason to be hopeful here. W see things differently than I do at this point. She's against the move, although she has said that she could perhaps entertain it at some point....just not at this point.
She has said, as of today, that if I get (and take) the job that we will need to work out arrangements for the time being b/c she will stay in Pittsburgh.
Unsure of what to do...job is a great opportunity for the above cited reasons and yet I feel so guilty for entertaining the idea of it. W is adamantly against it at this point. Says that its symbolic of my wanting to control things.
Any help, suggestions, or otherwise would be so appreciative!
As far as feeling up and down each day, never knowing where your emotions will lead... That's exactly how I've been feeling, so I guess it's normal. Some days I'm optimistic that things will work out in the end and other days I think I should just give up and resign myself to the idea of divorce. Don't do anything rash and just keep trying.
As far as feeling up and down each day, never knowing where your emotions will lead... That's exactly how I've been feeling, so I guess it's normal. Some days I'm optimistic that things will work out in the end and other days I think I should just give up and resign myself to the idea of divorce. Don't do anything rash and just keep trying.
And....
Do not do anything based on "emotion."
Step outside the emotions and do what's best for your children.
If I'm being honest and objective about this, moving back to my home area could be a good thing...for me, our R, for the kids. We would be closer to both families, but my W has said she cannot (and may not be able to) handle the stress of a move.
I know that I cannot help her see this and that it must be a conclusion that she needs to arrive at on her own.
That's the risk here: If I take the job and move, what if she doesn't want to move? Then, I've essentially torpedoed any chance of our R mending itself. Do I set aside what I think is the right thing to do, and support my W with what she thinks is right?
This is a tough situation. Have you spoken to a DB coach?