Recently Seperated Part III - DivorceBusting.com

old thread Part II

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...123#Post2227123

Mach1 I do feel right now this separation is not working for me. It is emotionally draining me. I think I have to set the boundary with the W on her weekends she does the activities with the kids and on mine I do the activities. That boundary has not been set yet. The only boundary set was contact is for important kids related stuff. I'm scared to set this boundary. i don't know why I am so petrified.

I am seeking help on how to address that boundary without causing my W to go crazy on me

Hi Net. Good morning! (I'm on the west coast). Ok yeah get a IC that works on cognitive behavioral management. I started working w my new IC on it. She was able to tell me that my OCD was a result of my anxiety which is a result of my low self esteem.

You made a comment that you've been to therapy but you didn't find it fruitful. That's too bad. Consider looking for one I suggested. See if that works for you.

Thx V. I think I finally have to set the weekend boundary with her. Guys I'm reaching out because I don't know how to say it. I don't want her to get nasty with me.

All I'm seeking to impose is whatever night there is an activity that parent take the kids unless there is an emergency which would make the kids miss the activity.

I don't feel like we are separated enough. She calls on me when its convenient. I don't want the kids to miss out on anything like my S would have today if I didn't take him.

I'm frustrated and scared to set the boundary.

Also one thing I wanted to open up for discussion too. Is there a point where the LBS just says enough is enough. I don't even want the person back as is? I don't my W back in this current state. She is unwilling to work on her issues while I work on my own. Just sort of get fed up and throw the damn towel in. Are there stories on this board like that or anyone that could make a comment. My wife is doing a lot of cake eating right now. Maybe I really REALLY need to enforce new boundaries. I mean it can't get any worse. She wants a D and the rings are off. I need to protect myself I think emotionally.

Argh. I typed you a brilliant response and my battery died.

The gist of it was this. HAVE A CONVERSATION. Where you state that the arrangement is causing you stress and you think one solution would be to xyz, would she be willing to do that. And then listen to what she says. If what she says is unintelligible behind a temper tantrum she's throwing, let her know it seems like a bad time to talk, let's talk later when she's not feeling angry. Etc. Or try this - I don't think our conversation is productive if you're going to raise your voice, so please use a calmer tone or we'll need to stop and talk later instead. Whatever suits.

The point is, her being angry does not need to have a cause-effect relationship with you feeling pain and whatever else her anger does to you. Instead try to listen harder. What is causing her anger, your tone, your question, etc. Where is she coming from? What does she think? You won't know what she thinks until you bring up the subject and ask her what she thinks. You're trying to get a specific result and that's not how people relate to each other, that's manipulation.

You stay calm. Repeat some kind of mantra to yourself if that helps. Ask what she thinks and then listen. Repeat and reflect what she said, ask questions about what she said until you really understand it.

Ugh - don't be scared to talk to her. Tell yourself you have courage and then be completely reasonable and like Teflon in the face of her reaction. Be an anthropologist or an explorer to find out what she thinks about the problem you want to discuss...not a tyrant who wants to tell her how it's going to be.

Oh and that all was about being scared to open a conversation. The other part of it is, what's best for your kids. Sorry but your needs need to be weighed along with theirs. You two need to figure out a solution that reduces your current stress level while meeting the needs of the kids. They're the most important.

Thanks I'll read a few times and try this

I start with a cog therapist on Monday hoping to address anxiety issues and control issues

M1 I did it I ignored a non related to kid txt. It was liberating. If I define 3 goals will you help net hamster

Here is where I would like to start with 3 goals to fix me. My main focus is anxiety/wandering mind. Not only in my relationship with my wife but about everything. One time I got sued after I sold my house and I let that drive me into the ground.

Goal 1: Cognitive therapy, Anxiety and control issues. I have these issues and I know it.

Goal 2: I would like to lose 15 lbs. This will involve eating better and getting back on the road bike come spring. I'm currently back in the gym. I think this will help with Goal 1 and hopefully allow me to ween off the anti-depressants I'm one right now.

Goal 3: My whole life I've been a negative nelly. I want to change my attitude. It frankly stinks. I really need help here. Are there books. Meditation? Is this also a counselor?

----> Side note. Son's party tonight. Although tough to be around her we interacted. She decided to wear a tanzanite ring I gave her on her middle finger of her left hand. Yes I noticed. No I can't help looking. But I didn't say anything.

Hey net, you're working hard, keep at it. This is not for the faint of heart.

LA I feel like I'm staring down the barrel of shotgun at times. For 2 1/2 years I've been struggling with this marriage. I have my issues but dealing with someone that is depressed that will get no help doesn't make a marriage that easy to work on. I try to come to this board for support and its great. I wish I could read some success stories. My wife tells me she doesn't love me, never loved me, wants me to date, wants her to date, and taken her rings off and I try to hold onto hope. That marriage is dead. I wouldn't go back to it anyways. I know I have to let her go and start working on me. I fought so hard not to move out of the house because I knew the odds were against me once I did. Everyone that has replied to my threads means well and I appreciate the right to the point by M1, yourself and others. I was out tonight sitting at a bar with some friends saying "I don't want this f*9d8f98df8ing life. I'm 38. Have 2 beautiful kids and a beautiful wife. Everyday that goes by I hope her heart will soften. Actually that was even tougher for 2 months I barely contacted her outside of kids. I thought things were getting better. We were giving each other high fives. Splitting kids on non weekends. Coparenting. Laughing. Come to find out she said she was just being like that for the kids. I have everyone of my friends telling me to just get a D. Get rid of her. Family members saying get rid of her. Move on. She has. It is brutal. Tonight as I type this is the first night I actually don't have anxiety before bed. I feel calm typing this for once. I know what I have to do. The fear of letting her go forever is inside me. I know this. I started to detach today and I even fear that will anger her. I didn't reply to her txt today about non kid stuff. When I went over there tonight to watch my son open his presents she asked me "hey did you get my txt earlier" I said oh yes thanks for that.

Even though I want to detach I fear she is seeing someone else. I fear my kids being tucked in by another man. Or someone throwing a baseball around with my son. This is why I have fought so hard. She is so miserable with me which turns around and makes me miserable. When she is happy the whole house whistled. Sad but true. Everyday I wake up hoping she will just become happy again. She sits at home as a stay at home mom for 6 years and the walls just closing in on her. I know we have issues. But man I think she needs a job. I think it would help so much for her.. I hate seeing my wife so miserable and if I am even 1% responsible for her being sick it makes me sick.

Anyways LA that is my ramble for tonight. It helps to type out what I feel inside. To type why I want to fight for my family. When people tell me you're crazy for staying this long. They don't get it. This family is my dream and I don't want it turning into a nightmare.

cheers..

Net

You're in the company of a bunch of "crazies" but we're the good kind.

Hamster - if you want to see a success story, take a look at this thread: Success Story

It helps to read through the entire thread and the link at the end to the next thread where the poster provides a detailed synopsis of what worked to reconcile the M.

Don't jump ahead because you will miss some important discoveries, strategies, set backs and successes.

There are many others out there, but I happen to like this one.

Happy reading!

And it matters how you define success. My story will be a success, even if the marriage ends.

2pt I will read through it soon. Thank you very much.

Today was a rough start. I was very panicky this morning. Forced myself out of bed and volunteered at the church. I am heading to the gym hopefully for 2 hours. Today is tough because no kids. I try to stay out of this tiny silent apartment as much as I can.

Seems early morning my anxiety is through the roof. My thoughts just race. I picture some other guy dating my wife now. I picture her rings off and it just drives me bat sh&t crazy. I'm hoping a counselor can help me with that. I try to block out my friends and family telling me "dude move on"

So today in summary: church, gym, friends, cards tonight

Tomorrow: bus stop, gym work, kids :-)

One day at a time. It is brutal. Feel like ive started completely over. Thanks everyone. You don't know how much I appreciate everyones words. You don't think I'm listening but I'm starting to slowly act.

HAMSTER

Ok real time. Been trying to get extra overnight during the week with kids. Right now I only get them Wednesday nights. Monday's I get them til 7. My kids want to stay over on Monday's. So this isn't about me. She just offered me Monday nights only the weekends she has them . In other words in her best interest on my weekends to not have them stay over on Monday's cuz to long away from the kids. I need to proceed with caution. A 50:50
Split would be mon/wed nights me. Tues/thurs nights her every other weekend

And it matters how you define success. My story will be a success, even if the marriage ends.

^^therein lies our salvation as LBS's. Never fight that!

What do I do about kids visitation. Offer to meet in person
to discuss over tea

First of all, jump off that wheel and don't stress out about it. You can try maybe a different approach than what you've tried in the past, especially if that approach has failed. For example, if you try to talk and you get overly anxious, then change the medium, (i.e. send an email, a text, a letter, etc).

Maybe pull your thoughts together and share with us and we'll try to help you fine tune your message. The point is is that it doesn't have to happen right this minute. Step back and breathe and put your thoughts together and we'll help you out.

We come to every other Monday to start. We used txt to resolve. I just fear fighting for more time with kids will push her closer to D. Her heart is not softening. I tried calling and she said txt only so that is what we did . She thinks I'm being difficult but a. 50/50 split is so straight forward

I know a mistake I made. I should have never called home first. Man I waited 45 minutes to reply. Collected my head. Didn't go as planned. Finished ok. But calling home is old behavior. She just wanted a simple yes or no answer to every other weekend. I didn't feel like it was a simple yes or no answer. This is what I'm talking about being a doormat or fearing her because of the control she has over me right now. Taking rings off and hanging D over my head so I have to bow down to everything she asks of. So I replied back and said no I would like every Monday night for kids sake. They cry leaving here and want to be here. End result. We decided every other Monday night to start and see how it goes.

I was hoping to go a full day with no contact from her. She sent this while I was at gym. It was kids related and tomorrow is Monday so I felt the need to try to resolve.

Man hindsight is 20/20

I started reading the success story that 2thepoint posted. It seems him and his wife had alot more dialogue then me and my wife have. My questions is this. I feel like I want to talk to my wife about things. Not necessarily pursue her. But tell her things like "I realize we can't go back to that marriage as is" and I understand you want to be friends right now but that isn't my long term objective with you.

The reason I have these thoughts is things were going so much better with me and the W when we had flexibility and were communicating better.

I mean is it ok to talk to her about these things. Is that pursuing. I hate that we just sit in silence and don't talk at all.

Do you get me?

We get you, NO!

LA, can you elaborate on the NO

It's pursuit.

I'm going crazy today. Being honest. Gym. Church. No kids. Sundays are to long to fill

How do I communicate to my W that I actually do understand how it feels to be controlled. That I'm sorry Ive done that to her

Originally Posted By: netmaster

How do I communicate to my W that I actually do understand how it feels to be controlled. That I'm sorry Ive done that to her

You can't right now. You need to wait until she brings up relationship talk.

She needs time to figure out what she wants. Sounds like you want to fix it now and that will only push her away.

Originally Posted By: netmaster

How do I communicate to my W that I actually do understand how it feels to be controlled. That I'm sorry Ive done that to her

Hamster, STOP!

Originally Posted By: 2thepoint

Originally Posted By: netmaster

How do I communicate to my W that I actually do understand how it feels to be controlled. That I'm sorry Ive done that to her

Hamster, STOP!

Hoping this ^^^ sinks in a bit!

Hamster - you need to come to grips with the fact that you can not make your W understand anything she is not open to hearing or understanding. You just can't!

If you want her to understand that you are sorry then you have to demonstrate it through consistent actions on your part over a sustained period of time. Not days or weeks but months and years!

You show her by your 180's. You stop the pursuit, now! You get out of your own way and focus on you and your kids and quit trying to fix things with your W.

Don't you see all this irrational and desperate behavior on your part is unproductive and making you crazy and making matters worse?

Get a grip and slow way the hell down. Breathe.... deeply! Go back and read some of the recent posts on your thread and put together a list of goals for the next week, month and 3 months. That will allow you to focus on things you can control and steer clear of things you can't.

Now get to busy, you've got work to do!

Oh, and hang in there. You will survive this. I promise!

I know I even feel jockeying for more time with my kids is perceived as controlling behavior. I'm so confused on what the hell is pursuit and protecting myself and seeing my children as much as they deserve to have their father in their life.

I can tell you this. Asking her to goto MC 2 months into a separation blew up in my face big time. I should have never pressed her on that. I should have learned from that.

2thepoint thanks. Listen this no ring things, talks of dating, mediators, and laywers has really shook me up big time. As you can tell.

One day I think I should ignore her txts. The next day I think I shouldn't. This is why I'm called the hamster.

I've been working on those goals man. Went to the gym twice so far. Finding a counselor for me that focuses on anxiety. Taking meds lol which obviously not helping yet.

changed my diet a bit.

Holy smokes Hamsterman....

WTF ???

You are like the elevator at the Empire State building with a four year old at the controls.....

SLOW THE F DOWN.....

Jumping from the sinking boat into an inflatable life raft with golf shoes on, is not getting you anywhere.

First off...

YOU are your own hero. Nobody else can define who you are.

You are the only person that can decide how you handle things.

You are the only person that can make good choices, or poor choices for yourself.

You are the only person that has to look at you in the mirror every morning.

You are the only person that can judge yourself and your actions...

F everyone else. This is up to you...

You can choose to let this break you...or you can choose to nut up and make a stand....

You aren't standing for your marriage right now, you are standing for yourself.

Secondly, right now, your wife has made a choice to find what else is out there.

You have to stop looking toward her for anything. She is not what is going to define what you can or cannot do.

You answers are not tied to her, she doesn't carry them in her purse, nor should she be giving you your answers. Those are for you.

Third.....

I will post later about the kids....

For now.....slow down. the fixer in you is taking over, and it's not doing you any good....

Well after I called to say goodnight to kids she asked for me to meet with a mediator for divorce. I told her that was up to her to set up that is not the path I want to take. Didn't get into a discussion with it. Doesn't look good folks.

Would like advice on kids. I love putting my son on the bus everyday but emotionally I don't think it is right for me after that bomb last night

As far as your kids go.

You have to be there for them. I agree with that one. Although you cannot build or fix the relationship that she has with them either. You cannot fix it, or facilitate it. All you can do is not get in the way of it.

It has to prosper, or fail on it's own.

That is one of the hardest things to watch. The question you will have to ask yourself is...

Are the kids in any physical danger ?

If it is yes, then you step in....

If it is no ??

Then you ask if they are in emotional danger..

If the answer is yes, then you make a note of it, and you handle things on your end. You support their relationship, and you offer your support, You DO NOT badmouth your spouse, nor do you allow the kids to badmouth her.

To them, you will support her in her decisions. You show them the way through this. You are the rock that they come to with any questions. You are the one that they come to for their emotional needs.

Now your spouse knows your attachment that you have with them, and she knows she can play that card anytime she needs it. She not only tugs on your heart strings with it, she hangs off of those strings. There is a ton of guilt in her about what she is doing to them. And in order to deal with that guilt, she turns the tides to make YOU the bad person.

THAT is when you offer support to them. That is when you are there for THEM....not her.

You cannot rescue them from her, and you sure as hell cannot rescue her...

There are things that you will have to "stick to the agreement" on, and these things will hurt worse than anything you have ever done.

Net, this is why I told you that I didn't think you were ready for what you had to do.

Dude, she spins you out quicker than the rinse cycle at the Laundromat.

You have to find YOUR balance.

Speaking to the counselor...

That is a good step, although I think you have to be ready to hear what she is saying in order for you to act on your findings.

You have to admit that you have some issues that only you can address.

I see progress, and I think you can do this

One step at a time....

PS....you have to stop taking this personally.

What ??? Why would I say that ???

Because she isn't doing this to hurt you or the kids...

She is doing this for herself.

She is taking this time to find out who she really is...

And the gift in that, is that YOU get to do the same thing. Without feeling all the guilt that she is feeling, and without all of the confusion in your brain....

It really is a gift TO you, from her....

If you love her, the way you say you do...

Then Loving her right now, means that you step back and allow her the time to become whole again....

Why wouldn't you want that ???

Life is about perspective Net....

Do you wanna sink ? or swim ???

Hamster, time to listen. Obviuosly you come here for a reason, right?

Mach1 you mean allow her to divorce me and let her go? I have today. She is setting up the mediator and I asked only to contact me for emergencies

Originally Posted By: veroprado

Hi Net. Good morning! (I'm on the west coast). Ok yeah get a IC that works on cognitive behavioral management. I started working w my new IC on it. She was able to tell me that my OCD was a result of my anxiety which is a result of my low self esteem.

Totally agree with this. I have been working with a great IC for over a year now and the difference is remarkable. My OCD was also caused by my anxiety and need to control every aspect of my life. If I didn't have my lists and do things in a certain order, my life felt like it was chaotic. Of course, this way of managing things was only a way to cover-up the real problem: anxiety and control tendencies. Once I started getting at the root of my issues, much of the OCD was eliminated, along with the anxiety.

Once you can let go a bit, these conversations with your W will not be as fraught. You will be able to phrase things calmly and reasonably and understand that you are not in control of her reaction. This will likely help you to bring up issues with her without fearing her anger. Good luck!

Mimi

I need to find an anxiety specialist badly . Some of these IC are really terrible

Ok I have an appointment at 9 am with counselor for anxiety and control issues. It is a Tai chi center.

M1 admitting I have a problem?? I am a FN control freak. I snoop. I try to fix things by passing blame. I do excessive phone calls. I call her mother. I destroyed my marriage with these issues. I know I have a problem. A big problem. A huge problem. It is to bad my marriage had to dissolve for me to address the problem. Now all I can do is be the best co-parent and father their is. I'm hoping this anxiety counselor will help me work through this transition.

M1 you keep saying this "Net, this is why I told you that I didn't think you were ready for what you had to do."

Like did you know it was heading to D? What do you mean by that. You're not going to believe me if I tell you this. I have many moments of at ease with it. I know it hasn't kicked in yet. But I'm out of limbo land

Hey Net,

Will you be taking tai chi with that counselor? I did Tai Chi for the first couple of months of my sitch, and it was a huge help for at least temporary relief from the roller coaster. If you aren't currently consider it, you might want to think about it.

Mach is trying to provoke you to thought - the reason being, when you figure things out for yourself instead of having it spelled out for you, it's much more likely to stick. Remember the saying about giving a man a fish and teaching a man to fish? Mach is in that business.

Well in the end I have to respect her feelings and her decision. I will let her know today that I respect her feelings and the decision and that everything will be ok. We will do everything in the best interest in the kids and try not to worry.

On a positive note.

Day 3 of the gym and I feel better after.
Counseling on Wednesday.
Extra overnight with kids tonight.
60 degrees on Thursday

Grmp Monkey I came to save my marriage. So far I failed miserably. She is in process of contacting a mediator for us to sit down with and talk with. Not sure I can stop that one. My wife makes up her mind it is made up. Believe me. So only thing I can really do now is take care of myself and kids

Originally Posted By: netmaster

Well in the end I have to respect her feelings and her decision. I will let her know today that I respect her feelings and the decision and that everything will be ok. We will do everything in the best interest in the kids and try not to worry.

Why do you have to let her know this?

THAT is the first thing you need to stop. All of this constant communication...

You remind me of a child looking for permission to have thoughts and feelings...

Right now, slow down, talk about the kids only...

You really are missing the point here.

Running in circles, letting fear rule you, using it as an excuse to talk to her or not talk to her or jump up and down...

If you want to put your S on the bus, then do it.

THAT has nothing to do with your W.

If you don't, then don't.

Until you take your focus off of her, off of the M, it isn't going to matter what you do, how many counselors you go to, how many medications you take, you are going to continue to be a mess.

Net, the bottom line...

At this point in time, your old M is over.

There is nothing you can do about it.

However, the possibility of having a new M (with your W) really does exist if you can get a grip.

If you can't, honey, the next R you are in is going to be just as much of a mess as this one, because of the common denominator, YOU.

No one here and no counselor should be telling you "do this" "do that" like a puppet master.

There is no magic pill that is going to make this all better.

What will make it better...

Time, perseverence, patience, peace, self respect and mutual respect, healing, forgivness, unconditional love, changes...

PATIENCE. TIME. FORGIVNESS.

Slow down, realize that this didn't happen overnight and it won't be fixed overnight.

It is your choice, do what needs to be done, or keep spinning and living in anger and fear.

No one can make that choice EXCEPT you and NO ONE, not even your W, can be to blame for the choice that you make.

So what will it be?

You are not getting this Net....

Saving yourself...gives you the best shot at saving your marriage.

Stop being the person she wants to run from...

And start being the person she wants to run toward...

You are your own worst enemy right now, and you can't see that.

You keep ringing bells that can't be un-rung, and asking questions that you don't want to hear the answer to.( or ready to hear the answer to )

You keep thinking that you have to respond to every little thing.

Stop reacting to her.....

Until you can start to dig out if this hole you have dug for yourself, you are going to have some hard days.

Did I know it was heading to Divorce ????

No

I have no more insight to whats in your spouses mind than you do right now....

I can tell you that if you were to honestly read back through your threads, you would want to run from who you have become too...

And I can tell you where you are headed if you don't stop putting the pressure on her.

You don't want this Divorce, then fine....stop working toward it.

Holy smokes, you find out that she wants a divorce, and you even try to fix THAT for her....

I don't think it matters if you do Tai Chi, or Chai Tea....until you are ready to do something about things, you will still live status quo.

I like the list you made above, and while I'm sure that you acted that way, I am also sure that you can only own about half of the actions that caused you to act that way...

One key thing to remember is...that you have to go easy on yourself, and you have to forgive. Not for her, but for yourself. That also includes forgiving the hardest person in the world to forgive.....yourself.

The important question now is...

What are you prepared to do about it ???

Cat you really think my M an be R one day even with her scheduling a mediator this week for divorce? Geeze you guys are positive. That is contagious. Focus is off the M. Right now I'm just going to the gym and starting the counseling. GAL. We did set a boundary no contact via txt. The other boundary that was set was no joint activities with the kids at all. Or shall I say. She set that one

What am I prepared to do about it?

I'm taking the focus completely off her and making it the kids.
I'm starting counseling on Wednesday for anxiety. Help me control my racing thoughts, manipulation, etc.

I'm currently at the gym to try to help reduce anxiety.

Sorry Mach1. I am real scared to be frankly honest with ya. Especially after the threat of her getting a mediator.

Originally Posted By: netmaster

Cat you really think my M an be R one day even with her scheduling a mediator this week for divorce? Geeze you guys are positive.

Are we positive?

Maybe we are...

Realistic is probably more like it...

You may actually get D. It happens. Just like you got M.

And you may reconcile. Even after a D.

There are NO guarantees.

That is the funny (not funny haha, but ironic) thing about life. Nothing is definate. Nothing is set in stone.

Many years ago when I got the bomb, I would never have guessed that X and I could be friends. He HATED me. He had dreams of my death. I was worse than the Devil himself.

Now, X and I are friends. In a wierd sort of way. We talk, like we should have talked when we were M.

Why? There are a lot of reasons. Most of them have to do with me figuring out my own stuff. Becoming happy in my life again. Becoming someone that I like, which in turn, causes other people to like me.

I am in a happy, healthy R now. I love my life and the man that I am spending it with. No, it isn't my X.

It also isn't anything I ever expected to happen. After my bomb, with X hating me so much, I was done with relationships. This was our third or fourth time splitting up and I was tired. I learned to be content with me. I was really happy being alone. I am not a bar person, not very social, wasn't lonely, so I wasn't interested in joining any sort of group where meeting someone would have been possible.

Then this man entered my life and swept me off my feet.

So I have faith. Faith in the fact that anything is possible and you never know what is coming down the road.

It didn't happen because I stayed stuck in my well of self pity and anger, which was a very comfortable place to be for a while...

It happened because I rose above it.

None of us here wish bad things for you, Net.

We are all in your corner.

Those of us that have been here a long time (me, Mach, 25, and others), have learned to see both sides. We can see how hard the poster here wants things to be different and we can see why the S has left. We have lived this. We have over come it.

We have walked on the hot coals in our bare feet and come out the other side.

We want you to avoid some of the mistakes we have made and we want to help you get to where you are healthy and happy.

It is also why we aren't surprised by much of anything and how we can see the forest through the trees...

I am going to ask you to go back to your list of nine (I think it was nine) and lets begin to look at those things. It was a good list. A good place to start.

1. I have control issues
2. I can be negative or downer
3. I am a huge worry wart, very anxious
4. I am a terrible listener (why I listed 9 instead of 5)
5. I can't let anything go. Always need to prove my point
6. I am a manipulator
7. I can be dishonest
8. Disrespectful
9. can be jealous

Originally Posted By: netmaster

1. I have control issues
2. I can be negative or downer
3. I am a huge worry wart, very anxious
4. I am a terrible listener (why I listed 9 instead of 5)
5. I can't let anything go. Always need to prove my point
6. I am a manipulator
7. I can be dishonest
8. Disrespectful
9. can be jealous

Guess what? you just describe 90% of the population. (Studies back me up on this) The question is how much of these 9 are getting in the way of the real you.

I wouldn't work on eliminating these issues (as dumb as that sounds because you don't need an unrealistic goal) work on keeping these in check.

Examples of behaviors I've done in my marriage tying into above:

-Broke into wife's facebook
-monitored her email
-monitored her cycle
-check her txt on phone
-she's locked herself in a room and I'd stand outside door trying to talk to her still
-use to visit her facebook page everyday (i had to delete my account to stop this addictive behavior)
-got paranoid and snooped in her stuff because of what I was doing
-accused her of having an affair because of her anxiety
-researched every illness on the planet trying to find why she was having panic attacks (at the time I thought I was being a caring husband)
-when separated I still checked caller id on home phone
-even tempted to pick her cell phone up but didn't
-noticed her cell phone was flipped over all the time.

Wow what a loser. I'm sure I could think of more stuff.

I have to completly agree with Harrier.

Most of us have these issues.

Working on managing them so that they don't control us is the goal.

All of those traits are facets of control.

Personally, I would start with listening.

A poor listener, is a poor communicator.

One of the DB principals, VALIDATION, is only possible when we are good listeners. In fact, when we validate, we SHOW that we are listening.

We may not like what we have heard, in fact, we may hate it, but we are listening.

By taking the time to listen, we slow down and when we validate, it makes it difficult to be disrespectful, defensive, argumentative (so we don't always have to prove our point), dishonest or controlling. Maybe, just maybe we really see the other person's POV. Possibly even actually understanding them.

Everything is interconnected Net...

BTW, you responded really quickly to my post...

I thought you were at the gym.

How are you posting and working out (getting those endorphins up, to help you feel better) at the same time?

Originally Posted By: netmaster

Examples of behaviors I've done in my marriage tying into above:

-Broke into wife's facebook
-monitored her email
-monitored her cycle
-check her txt on phone
-she's locked herself in a room and I'd stand outside door trying to talk to her still
-use to visit her facebook page everyday (i had to delete my account to stop this addictive behavior)
-got paranoid and snooped in her stuff because of what I was doing
-accused her of having an affair because of her anxiety
-researched every illness on the planet trying to find why she was having panic attacks (at the time I thought I was being a caring husband)
-when separated I still checked caller id on home phone
-even tempted to pick her cell phone up but didn't
-noticed her cell phone was flipped over all the time.

Wow what a loser. I'm sure I could think of more stuff.

I crossed that out for a reason....

If you think in negatives, you will live in negatives...

Why were you like that ?

Are those behaviors that you like about yourself ??

Originally Posted By: netmaster

-got paranoid and snooped in her stuff because of what I was doing

What exactly were you doing?

Besides the snooping...

talking to ex girlfriends from highschool and they were of sexual nature. Not trying to have sex but talking about the good ole days of highschool. parking etc.

No I went to the gym for 2 hours this am. sorry for misleading you.

M1. I hate all of those traits. Everyone. If I knew why I was like that i probably wouldn't be like that! I came from a very abusive, alcoholic, violent home. I was exposed to this stuff from the age of 3 to 12. I always stepped between my parents arguments even at the age of 5. It maybe the root of all my evil.
Here is another clue. Have 2 brothers and sister that are all the same. Same behaviors. Anger. Older brother getting divorced as we speak. So Im guessing our upbringing. Its a guess not an answer

Quote:

a very abusive, alcoholic, violent home. I was exposed to this stuff from the age of 3 to 12. I always stepped between my parents arguments even at the age of 5. It maybe the root of all my evil.

You are probably right, it is the root but it doesn't have to continue to rule your life.

You own that.

Do you want to continue to in this way?

Now what are you going to do about it?

LA I'm going to counseling on Wed to see if I can learn to control these thoughts and behaviors. I'm on meds for the first time ever but still don't know about them quite yet. went from 10 mg to 20 mg and just seems to make me drowsy and even panicky. Then again im exercising with them.

LA I'm going to have to learn my triggers and control them. Going to take some work.

Sad moment #1. Her side of the family party on Sunday. I'm not invited. Its kicking in

Ever hear of Alanon?

Yes I have. That is a good idea LA. I will look into it

Alanon also has Alanon Adult Children groups. Try it.

Doing some journaling today. Seems to help me to write.

Having a bad day. Mixed emotions. Part of me knows what my W is doing with the D is right. I'm taking it a little personal today even though I shouldn't.

Had kids overnight last night. Really enjoyed them pretty much anxiety free.

Still struggling with calling her mother to talk. Especially when I get panicky. We are friends and that is tough not to call her and I know I shouldn't. It doesn't help my anxiety in the long run. I just struggle with it. Just being honest on here.

Made it to the gym again today and went to grocery store and bought all sorts of fruit, low fat yogurt, granola etc.. Down to 219 from 228. Would like to hit 200-205.

Have a 2 hour counseling session tomorrow. I think if mediation does start I will need counseling to help me handle myself better throughout the process.

Dropped D off at W's. My W seemed to be in the highest spirits ever. I think this is when I started to take mediation/D personal. I keep feeling that I truly was the one that made her that sick with depression and anxiety. That her finally telling me that she wants a D and me telling her I don't but if that is your feelings you will need to proceed with it was a GIANT lift for her. Up to this point I fought it like crazy. I finally let go and told her to that was up to her.

Anxious about not invited to her side of the families party. 10 years of friendship with her family members. Just tough on me. That she gets to go with our kids. Reality check I guess.

Did have some interaction with W today. She asked if I could still pick up S from school because she taking her mother to dr appointment. I had already committed to doing this weeks before the D bomb so I did say yes I will still do it. Going to really try to enjoy the extra time with s today on a non kid day.

W not txting me outside of kid stuff does help me. This weekend coming up is my weekend with kids but Sunday is the family party that really hitting me hard for some stupid reason.

Still no invitation to a mediation session.

One anxiety issue I forgot to mention I'm struggling with. I still think my wife is dating or having an affair. This is why she told me to date. This is why she said she wanted to date and took her rings off. Its does tear me up inside. I know how easy it is to fall into the dating trap when you are separated cuz I almost did myself but for dignity purposes I would not.

This eats me up inside a few times throughout the day. Any advice on how to block that out of your head. I'm also worried if it comes out in public how I'll be able to handle it

As for getting it out of your head, picture a big stop sign. Remember that you can't do anything about it, and to try and do something about it WILL, in fact, make everything you're going through now that much worse. More GAL.

Good job on not falling into the dating trap. If you can show that she was dating while waiting on the divorce, it can help you in the D proceedings or the mediation. It would be best to get some legal counsel on that, if that's really what you're worried about.

Don't worry about it coming out in public. That's on her, not you. Just focus on taking the high road. This won't last forever, no matter how it feels right now.

No I'm not worried about it that way. Emotionally it hurts that is all. Mass is a no fault state. You could bring your mistress to court with you.

For everyone that has been following nethamster I'm going to shed some light on why I'm going so crazy.

I own my own company. It is veryyyyy slow. I have LOTS of time on my hand. Ive thought about getting a job recently just to stay busy during the work week

Pet Store ???

I think you may be balancing out a bit....

Just keep breathing and try to relax...

lol hamster supply chain.

I'm being brutally honest with you today M1. My anxiety today is why my wife is so god damn happy. is it because she told her mom about wanting to D me. Is it because she told me and took off her rings. Did our marriage really make her that unhappy. Was she right this whole time and I fought the fight to lose and be proved wrong.

Hamster is rolling

Originally Posted By: netmaster

I'm being brutally honest with you today M1. My anxiety today is why my wife is so god damn happy. is it because she told her mom about wanting to D me. Is it because she told me and took off her rings.

And how do you know this ?

Maybe your second job could be, guessing people's weight at the circus ???

Net, I feel you on the whole having too much time on your hands thing. I work desktop support for a major company, in 12 hour shifts. The thing about IT is that if everything's working, there's nothing (or very little) to do. If you can get a second job, that might be worth it. You can also keep books with you. I always have one around to read if I can't find something else to keep myself busy.

I agree with Mach, you do seem a bit more balanced today. Just remember, it ain't over til it's over. That doesn't mean get a false sense of hope, just work on yourself and bide your time. See what happens. When you see her smiling and happy, you need to mirror that back, even if it's just a front. Start small.

"I still think my wife is dating or having an affair. This is why she told me to date. This is why she said she wanted to date and took her rings off."

Pure guesswork. She could be telling you to date to get you off her back. She wants to date because she wants to see what's out there for her. It [censored] but it's true. She's looking for the grass being greener on the other side.

"My anxiety today is why my wife is so god damn happy."

Wrong. Your W is happy because she chooses to be. Same as your anxiety. You can choose not to be anxious about this.

I guess I'm anxious cuz I know my wife. She was married before me 10 years ago and when she said she was done she was F*&*cking done. I think of how my kids and how hurt they are going to be.

Then a strange part of me says man do I really want this women back? She says she hates me. Never loved me. Doesn't love me and wants to go sleep with other men to see if crap is greener. She has put me on a roaller coaster ride for 2 1/2 years. Im now on AD which i've never taking in 38 years. So now we both depressed and anxious. Hooray..

I thought about taking my ring off today then balanced out and said that would do me no good. Maybe show her im done pursuing her.

Overall today was a decent day. Just some quiet moments of racing thoughts. I'm thinking about going back to the gym tonight for a 2nd trip.

Who needs a diet when your on the anxiety diet. Lose 25 lbs. Just add D and watch the lbs melt away!

I really think these Anti's are screwing with me. Making the hamster run on the wheel even faster then before. Not sure I like the way they making me feel. Had a huge crying bout last night. Then felt perfectly fine after. Making me a little jittery and even more anxious when I wasn't on them

Originally Posted By: netmaster

I guess I'm anxious cuz I know my wife.

Good Lord...

Every one here KNOWS their S, however they never expected to be in a place like this.

Originally Posted By: Netmaster

She says she hates me. Never loved me.

This is script. They all sing this similar song.

I am glad you had a better day.

If the AD's aren't helping, talk to your doctor. How long have you been taking them?

Like all of this, you also have to have patience with them and give them time to work...

What can you do to keep yourself busy?

A new hobby maybe? Something that has detail...

Net, I'm not sure how long you've been taking ADs, but it took about 2 weeks for mine to kick in. During that time, I was more anxious and paced a whole lot more. My legs were sore from all the walking I was doing!

sometimes ADs can take even longer than 2 weeks to start kicking in. i've never been much of a med person myself but.. here i am.. on ADs.. and you know what? there's nothing wrong with it. i seeked help during my darkest hour so i could think clearer, and function on a more even playing field.

sh%t happens. my H left me with 2 young kids. i'm not thrilled but.. i'm ok. take a deep breath and slow down. take the focus off your M and concentrate on doing the work you need and continuing making your children a priority.

hang in there

I've been taking them for 4 weeks. started on 10 mg then when I went to 20 mg. They make me feel drowsy and lets just say my sex drive is gonzo lol. I literally cried for 45 minutes last night and then felt find after. they make me feel panicky and jittery. Its only when I take the daily. I feel ok right now as I type this. I may need to try a different one.

I sure hope it is a script CAT.

Counseling at 9 today. 2 hours. Anxiety specialist. Excited no matter what happens.

Bring on daylight savings

You might try supplementing some anti-anxiety meds. I have a low dose of one to go with my AD. I take the anxiety pill as needed, but up to twice a day. Helps me out a bit, but talk to that anxiety specialist, they may have some good CBT exercises for you to try first.

Good luck, man.

Ok. Talk with Dr. Going to ween off meds. Going to try anxiety specialist and exercise going forward. Maybe get a supplement like ativan or something if I have a terrible night etc..

Just dropped S off at bus. First goto house W wouldn't look at me. I was just very happy with kids. Hugging my D.(3). Joking with her. I miss her so much. Her speech is crazy. Things you miss. By the end of the 10 minute stay my W told me neighbors having a baby. Must be tough for her to see me happy and not care that she is getting mediator.

Off to counselor with my list of things to work on. More later

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