We spent a great weekend as a family. He initiated all the outings and we did great. Got along great, etc etc. Problem is I'm not interested in him. Weird, I know.
Yesterday on our way to the mall he told me how he wants to get more tattoos. Aside from the eagle on his back that the wingspan goes from one shoulder to the other, he wants our kids baby portraits on each shoulder. AND he was considering getting one on his chest. TALK ABOUT ACTING LIKE A TEENAGER DURING THIS TIME!!
In the 5 yrs we were together he NEVER mentioned a tattoo!?!?!?
After that I noticed other things he did that bothered me. I feel like a prude but I'm not attracted to this side of him. How do I look past it when this is all I see? Maybe it's a good thing? I will focus less on him n mr on me...
Great topic! Hmmm, this springs a few words to mind for me... Let's see
Release for time served
Elation
Joy
Freedom
Happiness
Peace
New beginnings
Caveat being I am not having the best day today... lol
Maybe it's just detachment?
The real H is still there somewhere and if he does his work, he'll return to that person. At that point, you'll be able to remember why you fell in love with him, and all the history that u share...
Broken74- maybe this is my transition to serenity??
FiatLux- could I really be detaching? That's a good thing, right?
He brought up today that he wants to take S3 to downtown Disney. I said, he will love that. You guys will have a good time. Then he said, well if your not busy you can join us. I really don't remember what I said but inside I thought, oh another invitation, nice.
Funny thing is, I don't think I want to go...
I'd rather go to brunch w my friends...
I mean, I don't have anything planned but I'd rather do a GAL activity than go w him n the kids. What's going on w me???
V- I went through a phase where I lost interest and couldn't imagine getting back together w/ my WAW. I think it is a pretty normal stage for the LBS.
This helped me detach which is good but I think you need to just take it in stride and be patient. I still have doubts and concerns but our sitch's are far from stagnant and the dynamics continue to change so I am giving myself time to see how we progress and where we potentially will end up.
Best!!
Sayit- thank you for that! I was worried I have been such a good DB'er that I went overboard!
Also, I'm remembering a bunch of dumb things he's said. I don't want to post or else it'll upset me more.
I read the detachment article in the livestrong website. It's very detailed and has helped me understand something that is seemed so abstract to me.
He came over after the gym tonite. He hasn't done that for a while for xyz reasons. Nevertheless he came. He helped get S3 ready for bed. He even hung out for a bit after. He usually doesn't do this.
I went about my business. Cleaned the kitchen. When it was time for him to leave my son yelled at him from the front door-daddy! I forgot to give you a hug and a kiss!! H gets off the car n came back. Then S3 said, I'm going to watch daddy leave from the window.
5 min later he calls, "please don't have S3 watch me leave. It's hard enough" (wowowowowow!!). I laughed n said it wasn't my idea.
Omg! Tin man has a heart!!
This is so hard. He came over to pick up the kids. He actually moved the dental appt he had for today so that I could go to happy hour. Turns out, my friend will be here too late for us to get to happy hour before he gets here with the kids. He needs to bring D7mos back before she needs to nurse. This got me emotional because he can go out whenever he wants and here I am, his free babysitter!
He reminded me about how we will now work out the bills. This is the first month we go back to separate accounts and separate bills. Oh my god, this hurts all over again!
Then he suggests I use a week of the timeshare because it's already paid for. I don't want to go on vacation with our kids without him! I'm not ready for that!
Ok, I need to detach! He is no longer my family. My family consists of myself and my kids. I will soon be able to go to happy hour, dinners, movies, etc once my daughter is a little older. This is not a crisis, but a problem. Problems can be solved. ok, I'm not convinced....
He came over again this morning. It's now a new routine. He fed S3 breakfast and watched D n S while I showered. He said he'd come to pick up S3 to take him to the movies.
This was great, right? Well I think I'm premenstrual cuz all I saw was negative stuff. He got to here late this morning and wanted to rush off to the gym cuz his guy friend was waiting for him. (I immediately think OW is waiting for him or he spent the night w her which is why he got here late)
As I write this I'm telling myself- DETACH!!!! Sever those emotional ties and DETACH!!! But when I'm PMSing it's hard!!!
Also last nite he had invited me to go to the movies w him n S n now he acts like I wasn't invited. So I need to remember NO EXPECTATIONS!!!!
Wait a second!! Wasn't I just saying a few days ago that I'd rather do GAL activities than go out w him??? Am I bipolar or something??? (that's a rhetorical ques). but seriously what is with me?? I should wear a flip flop on my head! Ugh!
Ok this journaling helped...
What a difficult day! And it's not over yet!! 4mr hours for it to be over. Ok. Breathe. Take it one emotion at a time. Ride the emotion n let it flow out. My goal is peace/serenity. I need to feed D and put her down for a nap. That's my goal now and in order to also achieve my goal for peace/serenity, I need to do this by focusing on my daughter n nothing else. Here I go...
I think what you're going through is normal. Sometimes I find it easier to detach when H is more available to me and seems interested. It's like I have the luxury to detach when there's less of a need to. But as soon as H pulls away and makes movements to solidify the separation, then the old desperation and hurt return. I think the real test for me will be when I am so focused on my own life that H's actions -- good or bad -- do not affect me in such a profound way. It's a process to be sure.
We spent another weekend doing family outings together. He invited me to go with him to downtown Disney. It was so nice to see S3 get excited when we walked into the Disney store. I made it a point to make eye contact w him when S3 had this look of amazement! It was sooo precious!
Oh bonus! We were almost in a fender bender and he grabbed my hand! Lmao! First physical contact since May (not including 3/4 hugs)!! I wanted to call all my DB friends and laugh about it! Laugh cuz its something we rarely get!
He brought up moving out again
. When I asked him what we should do for S3s bday (June 4) he suggested we have separate parties since his family won't feel comfortable around my family. Man that cut deep
.
When he dropped us off he came inside and was giving me a bunch of suggestions on what I should do to the house with the tax money I'm getting. He really enjoys this topic and I let him go on about it. Funny how we had plans to do these things together and now why does he want to still be included??
My days not over yet. My brother's coming over. Maybe we can go to chuck e chez for dinner? Anyway. I need to continue working on detaching. In less than 30 days he's moving to the apt and I know that will be another downward spiral for me if I don't detach soon!
What a great day and weekend you guys had! Enjoy that. Be thankful that you had this great weekend. As your signature says live in the now and today was great:)
Ur right! I keep worrying about next month or 3 mos from now when at this present moment, things are good. I need to remember "don't believe anything they say!!"
I think you have a better attitude than I did when my h dropped his bomb. I was clinging, and he was breaking away. He reverted back to the 90's, when he was a teen. Wanted his own place, wanted to go join and tour with a band, didn't want to answer to no one. Wanted to sit and write music all day long and stop working. He took up smoking, and started to dress more youthful again.
I definitely clung, and he was ready to go. I db-ed my marriage, and saved it by starting to engage fully in GAL activities and by not clinging anymore. I stopped being there all the time. Started making my own plans, and acted as if. Many days I was really torn up inside and a huge mess, but I kept acting as if I was going to go on without him and that one way or the other, I was going to be fine.
He would come home from work and I'd be singing and cooking dinner, smiling. Then an hour later he would throw a tantrum about how he needed his freedom. I'd just smile and say "Do what you feel is right for you". Then I'd go and get dressed, get my daughter and head off for an evening of shopping with a friend.
I continued to live as if, he were not going to be there.
He said a lot of crazy things to me. It was hard not to defend myself or fight back some times. But what I did was simply validate what he said. By listening, nodding, and commenting calmly. I'm telling you this is so hard to do.
What I think finally woke him up was his realizing that I was going to go on with my life without him there, and then he started to think twice about that (he told me this later on) and did not want to see his life without me and our daughter.
He wanted to see if the grass was greener, and as terrified as I was of this happening, I had to finally say ....OK go see how green it is. And man did that hurt.
My H did not leave our home....he ended up staying and we are really getting close again. But it took him wanting our M too, to make this happen.
They will say crazy things. I'm not exaggerating here.... one hour he'd say "I love you" then the next hour, want nothing to do with me. At work he'd write an email saying "Love you... " then at night he would not even so much as speak with me or be near me.
For me, I felt it was important to listen to him and validate his feelings, and I listened to carefully to his complaints about me or our M. I did set out to make some changes, but I did not change my entire self.
My h was very confused, and was in crisis. He has told me that when he was going through what he was going through..... he felt like a volcano of emotions that were spewing out of control. He also felt very scared, and did not understand why and what was going on within him. He was in a lot of pain, he wanted things to change in our M. He wanted to feel young again, and productive. Wanted to make some dreams come true that he had not finished in his youth.
As mean as my H could be to me, and as terrified as I was feeling inside, he was also feeling just as terrified, but during that time I would have never known how afraid he felt.
Yesterday was so hard again. When I went to his truck to get D out I saw his overnite bag in the front seat. I didn't say anything about it or at all. I was quiet. I answered his questions but maintained my focus on D n S. A few min after he left he sent me a long text asking me what was wrong. He wanted to talk about S bday party. He wanted to tell me that he didn't want to have 2 separate parties for S. He wanted to only to have one. He also said that he doesn't care if his family doesn't go because they feel uncomfortable. He said its up to me whatever I want to do. Alcohol or no alcohol (before, he always wanted alcohol for his friends n family. I didn't -it's a kids party!) He said I can order subways or he'll BBQ (he loves to BBQ but I always wanted something that would keep him available if I needed help w S)
He said all this on his own. I said, "but I never said anything about you having a party. I was upset because your parents had a bday party for him, invited all your family and friends when we were at a baptism and your parents never told us! And instead of understanding me you defended them." he said, "I know I shouldn't have reacted that way but I felt like you were always attacking my family." I said, I was cuz I was the only one looking out for S' health issues.
He agreed. I don't want to argue about old stuff anymore or try to get him to understand that I had issues w him n his family. I didn't tell him that I was hurt to see his overnite bag. Why bother? I've learned that bringing it up to him won't give me peace/serenity like I want. It will only bring drama n I'm tired of drama. It's been over 7 mos and I just want to have an entire day where I can breathe and laugh til it hurts. A good hurt.
Vero, I think it's normal for to feel like you may be losing interest in your H. It's been 7 months for you and my guess is is that your emotions have taken their toll on you. At this point if I were you I wouldn't make any rash decisions regarding your M.
Not to hijack your thread but to give you perspective I have been "seperated"(my W is leaving at the end of March)for 6 months now for the third time in my almost 20 yr M. I have been working very hard on myself and have been following the DB principles and at this time my W still does not show any signs of wanting to reconcile. I know that this can be a very long process and that with her moving out soon she may get a dose of reality and see it's not that green on the other side but as each day passes I feel myself really letting her go and am starting to really think that I will enjoy my freedom when she is gone.
Take your time with this and continue to work on yourself and remember to be strong in front of him. You will know when and if you have totally lost interest in him.
Thank you CT n Leo. It helps to hear your advice.
I get the opposite from family n friends. They don't understand why I don't tell him off every chance I get. I tell them, for what? What will that solve?
We have coparenting counseling in 5 min. I have no interest in this. I admit we communicate a lot better because of it but I don't feel like working on my R w him.
We have coparenting counseling in 5 min. I have no interest in this. I admit we communicate a lot better because of it but I don't feel like working on my R w him.
Not sure how co-parenting is akin to working on your R? One is for the interest of the kids and respecting your ex. But it really doesn't require working on your R...
Since DD he does things he never did before.
-He engages more with the kids
*He sees the kids at least twice a day and does it on a daily basis.
*He comes over every morning and lately comes over earlier.
*He will do things they enjoy.
-He has more interactions with me
*We talk (emotional intimacy).
*He invites me to family outings.
*We've spent a few weekends doing family activities.
*He calls throughout the day to talk. (although he hasn't these past couple days).
*He isn't on his cell as much.
*Last nite he mentioned that I make him feel more relaxed because I don't bring up intense conversations anymore.
*Less days when he's distant
Last nite he gave me an idea that he's still w OW and he will definitely be moving into an apt.
I can't sleep. Thoughts run through my mind as to what detachment means for me. I know that if I feel as though it's over, which I feel now, I no longer want to see him as much. No morning visits or Mon-Thurs visits. No contact during this time either.
Am I jumping the gun too soon?
Been awake since 1am
. Going to al anon at 10:30am n hopefully again tonite.
No you are not jumping the gun too soon. I think at this stage you should set some boundaries. I'm sure you know that there is nothing you can do about the OW so I'm asking you to let that go that will run it's course. So you are having trouble sleeping? If you are not see a counselor for yourself I highly suggest that you do as it will help you tremendously. You may also benefit from taking anti-depressants they can really help keep your emotions in check and help to focus more clearly and help take your sadness away. I can tell from your posts that your thoughts and feelings are all over the place.
At this time there is no work for you to do on your R with your H. The work that needs to be done is on YOU. You cannot work on a R with someone who is either not ready to work on it or doesn't want to work on it. What detachment means is letting go of your H and the power he has over you and your R. It is a time for you to focus and YOU and becoming a better person. It is also a time for you to show your H that YOU will be fine without him in the picture because in reality whether you believe it or not you will be fine without him.
It's time for you to take action to make yourself feel better. What are you doing for your GAL activities?
Today it was al anon. Tomorrow I have IC and a separated/divorce support group I want to attend for the first time at church. Fri another al anon meeting and weekend plans are to do home improvement around the house. In between, care for our 2 lil ones and practice relaxation techniques.
This is a good topic, I don't really believe in D, but see how a LBS, could later turn into the WAS due to the abandonment the LBS feels and receives.
OMG I am feeling this today. My W has been crapping on me since we've been separated. I just told my brother I think I'm detaching because I have strong feelings of not wanting her back now. Which is very odd because 1 month ago I was a crying mess. Actually just a week ago. She invited me to a family party and I said yes for the kids but don't want to go. I think I'm detaching. She has been prancing around (40 year old women) with no rings on etc.. I think I just might be finally detaching
netmaster, I wish H was a total jerk to my face so that I can have more of a reason to write him off. Instead, I know he spends the night with OW and on the flip side acts like my "friend."
I don't have it in me yet to just give up. After reading the Love Language book I realized that aside from affirmation, his love language is also quality time. I have totally been neglecting him on this.
I need my inner strength to get me through this where I can show him I can love. Meanwhile, I need to continue GAL activities!! Most importantly, I need my higher power and to detach!!
It won't be much longer before I will slowly let him go so that I can move on.
You do realize that there will be opportunities to spend "quality time" with the your H and the kids?
Use your new found LL knowledge to fill his tank and DB your butt off. All is not lost, V.
All is not lost. I need to put that on my bathroom mirror.
We had such a good talk right now. We've grown so much in these past 7 mos. But still no R talk. He only says, "who knows what the future holds for us.". This came up totally on his own. I didn't even bring up R talk.
IC sessin today gave me interesting insight. She said, what if the positive changes he's made are only because we're separated. What if HE goes back to his old ways if we got back together. Also, do I want the person he is now in my life?
Im going MIA for a bit. Everyone take care
Take care, V. One day at a time.
Mimi
All is not lost. I need to put that on my bathroom mirror.
We had such a good talk right now. We've grown so much in these past 7 mos. But still no R talk. He only says, "who knows what the future holds for us.". This came up totally on his own. I didn't even bring up R talk.
This is great progress V. These sitch's take can take a long time to sort out and it seems that both your H & you are confused, scared, and running the gamet of emotions.
Please take notice of all the positives, no matter how small they may be.
I know it's difficult but I am encouraged by your sitch, stay strong.
Best!!
Hi Everyone!
I'm back!
The last time I posted I was very
depressed. H started talking more about moving out of his parents and into the apartment that I renovated for the tenants he's kicking out
I seriously thought that he would be back before this but it's well underway. As of April 13 he will be moving into his bachelor pad (most likely having OW there) making breakfast in the kitchen I designed -double
Also, the last time I posted we officially started with separate bills. I handle my money, he handles his. This was difficult for me since I saw it as solidifying our relationship since we weren't married.
My pluses have been very good ones, I must say!
I go regularly to Al Anon meetings (It seriously WORKS IF YOU WORK IT!). I attend at least 3 meetings a week. I also started going to a divorce/separated group at my church. I love this group! They're not DBers but it's an opportunity to cry and laugh at our sitch. I go to a therapist that practices cognitive behavior management and it's helped raise my self esteem!
As for H, he's actually more relaxed. It's been gradual but he's a lot easier to talk to. He helps even more with the kids and does things around the house without asking. I tap into his love languages, appreciation-thanking him, praising him, complimenting him; acts of service-asking if he needs me to do something for him (he often says no, but appreciates it); receiving gifts-when I do grocery shopping I'll buy him a little something to snack on when he's over (he loves this).
I have practiced detaching with love and engaging in things that will only bring me serenity.
I know I shouldn't compare my sitch with others, but I did. Now I realize that every sitch is different and I shouldn't put a timeline on it. However, I must say, that once we get to the year mark of DD, I will (not only feel a lot better) but be ready to leave him behind.
He showed up this morning as always and I noticed a lot of funny things that led me to believe he spent the night with OW. I dont even want to mention it because it'll upset me more. I went to an early Al Anon meeting and realized it was that time of the month for me.
I have to admit, last month I was an emotional wreck for 2weeks. This time around I was much better emotionally.
Today S3s school is having an Easter egg hunt. I invited him n he agreed to come.
This is where I flip flop. When he's more receptive and I see signs of hope in his behavior.
Ctflor,
That is such a lovely post you read. Gave me some good ideas and pointers. Thank you for sharing that!!!
PMS is tough! Especially during these difficult times, it's like all the worst feelings just come up from nowhere. I've been looking to balance it for years now, and only recently got it down to a day. At one point it was month after month, then when I saw a naturopath, it all started to calm down. Took a year though to get it down to 10 days. It's now just a day or two.
It takes about 3 months for the results to kick in, but what I found was the best was very high doses of calcium. 1800mg a day - everyday. It has helped soooo much I can barely believe it. But, be consistent and patient with it. What also helped a lot was blackstrap molasses - 1 tsp a day. Take the molasses in the morning and the calcium at night. The molasses has iron so it will help energy levels while the calcium keeps you calm and relaxed in the evening. No point in taking them at the same time as iron doesn't allow calcium to be absorbed properly anyway.
This was one of my H's complaint of me - my PMS - and I worked hard at getting it under control. Still, it was never any fun for me and wanted to sort it out anyway. I was actually getting close to seeing a hormone doctor too because I just couldn't stand the sleeplessness, bad dreams, anxiety out of nowhere, - you know the drill.
BTW, your sitch sounds like it is moving in a positive direction - well done you!!
Thank u Yankee.
I went back to rereading DR. I haven't picked it up in months. There have been so many changes in our 'friendship' that I should feel proud of myself. I notice we talk more about personal matters (emotional intimacy). Almost like before all this mess. I try very hard to follow the 37rules.
I understand this is a very slow process but this is really going slower than a snail's pace. I'm beginning to think this is a MLC.
I'm going to another Al Anon meeting this evening. That's 2 today. I feel so much better when I'm there.
OK here goes, I am PISSED! and H is on his way to drop off S3. Instead of ripping him a new a---, I will yell at him here. So here goes...
I can't believe you don't pick up your phone when I call you in the middle of the night. Our daughter hit herself on the head and what about when our son had a fever and the time the wind was blowing so loud he wanted to talk to you!! Oh but can't interrupt your sex life! Being a parent interferes with your new bachelor life! And you don't worry when the kids get sick, OF COURSE! You don't have to wake up at night with them! You no longer have to fill the humidifier with water. Heaven forbid you're inconvenienced. YOU HAVE TO WORK!
Oh and then you start insinuating that I should work. WHY?? Because your bachelor life/responsibilities as a parent is catching up with you!! DO NOT LOOK AT ME when you had to consolidate your credit cards. I had a strict budget for us. Now you think the credit cards give free money!
And you want to take D out for 4hrs. HELLOOO! She nurses! That means she needs to be with me after 3 hours TOPS!! Feeding her bananas isn't enough. She needs milk! Oh wait, that's right, when S3 was nursing you had no clue what was going on. WHY?? Because you were too busy at the gym!
Thank god for the gym! It provided you an outlet so you could screw around! While I'm at home with our kids. Heaven forbid they close it down, heaven forbid you can't teach a class at the gym!
I hate you so much right now, You're worthless!!
Vero,
That made me feel so much better! I hope it did the same for you.
I think I need to rant like this occasionally.
Thanks for having the guts to do this.
NLW
Vero,
That made me feel so much better! I hope it did the same for you.
I think I need to rant like this occasionally.
Thanks for having the guts to do this.
NLW
LOL! It did! I directed my talk to S3 when they walked in. H was really nice and asked me how was my day n what did I do. (emotional intimacy) Then he told me about some problem his parents are having with his brother. blah blah blah. I engaged in the talk but I realized that if and when I do LRT, he will be hurt.
My soap opera life continues...
H has the week off and got S3 ready for school and took him. I sent him a text
"For what it's worth, when you help me out (get S ready for school and take him), I feel like you respect my work. Thank you"
He replied something like,
"I thank God everyday that you are the mother of my kids. Thank you for supporting me on being the best father I can be."
WOW! Dare I say it, emotional intimacy?? Although I started it, he replied.
We never used to talk this way to each other.
Today was a good day. I felt really upbeat. I should be thankful for many things in my life. Most importantly my kids. They are strong and healthy and have so much to learn.
I am feeling more serenity as time goes on. I target my stress and try to disseminate it as best I can.
I have a better relationship with my higher power and it shows because my relationship with others has improved, most importantly with myself!
I have learned so much about myself from this experience. I have a feeling this was going to happen to me at some point in my life for many reasons.
1- my father was an alcoholic so I was either going to continue being with a child of an alcoholic (as H was) or with an addict of some sort
2- my father betrayed my mom numerous times. I was going to look for someone as insecure as my father without knowing it.
3- It wasn't until now that I knew I never knew how to show love. I followed my parents destructive pattern and I was headed in the same direction.
I thank God everyday that I have my children, that H is involved in their lives everyday, that I own a home and completed my master's degree before having children.
I would like for H to try to work on our R however I have done everything I can do. I did a 180 and he knows that my changes are permanent.
-a lot less controlling when it comes to parenting
-I tell him how much I appreciate him
-I have a better relationship with his parents
-I listen to him
-I make my home welcoming
-I look presentable everyday!
-I act as if I'm having a great day, because I am!
These changes are ultimately for me. I know now, that I AM CAPABLE of having a healthy loving relationship, with H or anyone else.
Whatever happens, happens. Live and let live, Let go and let God.
Take care everyone, DBing online has its benefits, but for some reason gives me a lot of anxiety so I need to go on hiatus for a bit!
I swore I wouldn't come back because it built up anxiety for me, but something happened yesterday and I don't know where else to turn.
My cousin called me saying she knew something about OW and if I wanted to know. I immediately said NO! But I couldn't shake it off.
I called H and said, if there's something I need to know, tell me now because my cousin will eventually blurt it out even if I said no. He said, he didn't know. (Mind you, he never talks about OW with me and leads me to believe there isn't anything going on, unless I ask him-which I haven't!)
I was driving with my daughter in the car and I had to pull over. My knees felt weak. Once I got strength I drove home (a couple min away). I got home and took benadryl and slept for a few hours. H watched the kids.
Turns out (my cousin blurted it out when she saw how I was getting), OWs car window had been broken and they thought I did it. <No I didn't>
After my nap, H and I were able to talk more calmly. He said that his focus has been on the kids and nothing else (I really don't know how much of this to believe, however he is over our house A LOT!
I told him that I am also doing the same. I no longer focus on him and I but on the kids and being a better mom. However this really threw me off.
I told him I have learned to eliminate things that cause me a lot of anxiety (snooping, talking about us to others), but people will throw in "what if's" all the time.
what if - he's moving in with her to the apt
what if - she's going to his friend's wedding and that's why you're not invited
what if - she gets pregnant
what if - he's already introduced her to his friends and/or family
So when my cousin said she knew something, I immediately assume it's a "what if".
I realized I hadn't eaten much yesterday because when I got up to change diapers at 3am I was really light headed. H took both kids with him this morning to the gym. I hate feeling this way, helpless and dependent! All in all, I hate him for putting me through this!
Kids and I had such a nice Easter! The best one I've had in a long time. We went to 3 gatherings so we were all over the place. H was in Vegas with his friends. His friend will be getting married this month so it was a bachelor thing.
I didn't want to hold my breath on his calls so I kept the cell in my purse and let the battery run out. I got 6 missed calls. He said that didn't include the calls he made to our land line! LOL! He didn't ask to speak to S3 but was more interested as to what we had going on that day.
He got back today. I went to the beach with the kids and left the cell at home. That really gives me serenity. I got home n noticed he called wondering what we were up to.
I had such a nice morning. Since H was still in Vegas, the kids n I slept in. I LOVE waking up to my little ones. Back in Jan I still cried when I woke up next to them. I would be sad because of what he was missing out on. I don't anymore. F- him!His loss! I thank GOD I get to be with my little ones one more day. I am a healthy mom with two healthy kids and I will definitely enjoy each and every minute they are with me!
BTW, D is pooping as I'm writing this so I can't help but smile as I'm watching her! LOL!
I woke up to change diapers and I can't go back to sleep.
H n I are getting along really well. We talk about a lot of things that have to do with our lives. I continue to focus on my kids but find myself DBing naturally. Doing the LLs come out naturally as well.
If I were to get an award for 180, I think it would come with a round of applause. This was the most challenging part of DBing.
However, the resentment creeps up (that's why I can't sleep). I think it's because I still hold expectations.
I spoke to my DB Coach on Fri for the last time.
My new goals:
1-more alone time without kids (when they are asleep)
**I will continue acting "as if"
**Continue tapping into his LLs - acts of service (clean kids/house, preparing him food once in a while); affirmation
**Continue minding my own business when he lingers -wait for him to initiate conversation; if he's in living room, go do something in the kitchen
2-H talks less about us independently in the future tense
**stop doing the same. This may be a contributing factor
**Continue GAL and 180
**consider other 180s- ones I would do if I was MLC
I will be using my friend as my DB cheerleader from here on out! and all of u!
This weekend he will be moving out of his parents and into an apt. I was hoping to DB by then, however I realize this is a MLC type 3 and it may take another yr (if I'm willing to wait-doubt it!)
Wish me luck!
Coparenting last night.
On the way I found trash OW left in the car. Mental note**take my own car next time!
I remained quiet to listen to H. (I talk a lot). He talked about his AA meetings. He said how some lost their family due to alcohol. That he identifies with their battles (demons). (he invited me and the kids to go to a meeting, potluck n all)
He talked about how S3 will ask him questions about the separation and H has googled how best to approach it with the kids.
On the way home he asked me what I thought about when his family wanted him to solve their problems. He would do this more before. Now he stays out of it. I told him that it bothered me a lot because WE are his family and he shifted the focus on us to focus on them. I commended him for changing this behavior.
It was good R talk. They usually happen after Coparenting counseling. They say that means we have a very good therapist.
I still can't get it out of my head that he talks about our separation as long term. (and OWs trash)
Rough morning. Thoughts come in my head and I struggle to shake it off. I'm going to an Al Anon meeting this morning. I like to listen. I usually feel better after, rejuvenated.
Kids are asleep in the backseat. I'm at Hs 5yo cousins bday party. H is at a wedding I was disinvited to. So why am I here?
I struggled to get here (to get out of the car). What pushed me to move one foot in front of the other is what got me to DB in the first place, I need to put as much effort into it until I can walk away knowing I gave it my all.
My 180 is improving my relationship w Hs family. It's much better than before but I feel myself struggling because it's been 9mos n no R talk in sight.
He lingers more at my house. Last night he stayed to watch Lion King w S3 while I minded my business cleaning. Tomorrow he said, "I'll do yardworking n hangout here. We can order pizza." I answer "sure" like it was no big deal. This is the 3rd time he lingers this long in a week. All it means is that he feels comfortable. Good.
So I keep on going. But aunt flo came today and it doesn't help w my emotions. Missed call from him. I'm leaving cell behind. How could he be at a wedding without us? So don't call me!! U want ur freedom? Well run w it!
I should get out of the car now. Until next week...
Big hugs
You are doing great. Keep going slow and be patient.
You are not alone
v-
i've read your thread and it gives me hope in alot of ways. i have a few q's for you if you don't mind. i am an alcoholic. i got sober 9/11. my wife has been to 2 alanon meetings. she said she doesn't want to go back because it will make her hate me more. i thought that was wierd. i assumed they are like aa meetings. are they? does your H going to aa meetings help you regain some trust in him. or help you see that he is changing. me being sober is a big deal and i am loving working my program. the changes i've seen in myself so far are very encouraging. my W says its an act. i'm fine with that. i know its not.
any help would be great. thanks!
Thank you Brook, I'm really trying to focus on MYSELF. It's helped a ton!
heartbrokeinsd-
wow, how can I sum up al anon. Well first, your wife should go to 6 mtgs before she writes them off and different locations. Each meeting is different.
Will she hate you? It's part of her recovery. It's for HER to help herself. As you work through the steps, there are moments you feel a lot of anger but as you keep going you learn to forgive and turn the focus back on yourself.
Also, H has been depressed for just about a year and I can finally see him happy. He listens to other ppl talk about their regrets and it helps him heal and he's going to individual counseling.
I suggest you keep working your 12steps. She needs to see your changes for 8 months (yrs you've been married) for her to believe they are REAL!
I'm going on 4 months (5yrs together) and I pray that by the end of the 5th month (July) 1) I will be a better person and a better mom and 2) H n I will be closer to R...
I read that post earlier about Al Anon making her hate you more. Did you ask why? Maybe it's that she's afraid to feel her feelings after shutting them down for so many years. That's the normal reaction of someone living with an alcoholic, no one can hurt my feelings if I don't allow feelings.
Maybe she should try a different group.
One day at a time!
My friend and I started doing the Love Dare Journal together. Day one says, be positive and don't say anything negative. Even if you don't agree with what they have to say.
I made a negative remark on the first day, then the second, then I got a neck spasm. Had to go to the ER to get a shot of painkillers. I realized, I am VERY hard on myself. I don't allow there to be mistakes. Perfection is expected.
I was at the ER on Fri night and I got a massage today. It's awful. Any little thing gives me MORE stress!
Forget the Love Dare Journal. I can't even look at my regular daily meditation without feeling overwhelmed (working on relaxing has become a chore). I go to Al Anon pressuring myself to "detach" "live and let live" etc, etc.
HOW DO I GET PAST THIS??
BTW: H n I took the kids to the movies Sat. and Sun he invited us to go to another family outing. It was nice. I was sure to seem detached but friendly. He continues to talk about our future apart...
EX. H: You should consider later on doing xyz to the house/yard.
H: S3 is still to young to spend the night with me. Later on, I'll have him spending the night with me and have a bed for him at my new place.
M: Oh ok, yeah good idea (very upbeat)...(:-/
Veroprado - I hear you. I have my good days and my bad. Its hard to hear them say these things to us like we are nothing. Like being the mother of their children is nothing. It hurts so deeply. Dont try to run from the pain. You need to allow it to hurt.
Enjoy each precious moment with your little girl and boy You are sooo sooo blessed to have a perfect a beautiful daughter and son. Write a gratitiude list.
There is still so much hope. Believe. You never know when the miracle will happen.
I met some goals in the 3 week mark.
*H closes the door behind him and sometimes parks on the street and not halfway in the driveway (as if he's running out soon).
*More of the same behavior-
-emotional intimacy (we will talk about things unrelated to the kids, work, his family, his recovery!)
-he initiates more family outings (almost every week) and if I initiate them he will sometimes agree to it
-he answers all cell phone calls in front of me and will tell me who it is. Before he would text like crazy most of the time if someone called and he wouldn't say who it was or would leave the room to answer
-he lingers more. HE said that he would like to spend time with S3 at home after work instead of at his moms.
>I have continued detaching (Al Anon helps a lot!)
>Continued acting as if
>Continued GAL, although it's not mysterious (he didn't respond well to mysterious)
>He believes my 180s are permanent changes (this worries me because I've read that when they are convinced then they start to consider coming back. n he hasn't. he keeps talking about us being apart in the future)
>I continue tapping into his LLs. Main one, acts of service. I know this sounds very old school, but I make him something when he's here. (breakfast and/or dinner) I can tell he really likes this!! (BTW I tried doing this when we were together but he would politely say no thank you. Now I do it even if he says no-n he'll eat it!)
I have to admit that although this situation can REALLY hurt your self esteem (and believe me it really hurt mine!) It has rebuilt it and it's stronger. I'm not completely myself but I'm getting there.
I have one YAY for me, I have longer periods where I'm not angry! And periods where I accept that this may be a permanent situation for us.
He's moving into his apt this month. This will be another downward spiral for me and I'm trying very hard to detach!
OHHH! BTW!! He gave me a hug for mother's day! Wooo Hoo! (My LL is Physical touch!)
In this past week I have made some goals for me.
-S3 no longer needs me to stay with him til he falls asleep! WHOO HOO!! A couple hours for myself!
-I kept up with my self esteem workbook (it really works)
-I journal every night
-I read my al anon literature
-I try to meditate daily or as often as I can.
I learned this week that I can't let go of my self help resources. When I do I crack!
I called a friend and regretted it. She's such a Debbie Downer! I am definitely keeping some distance from her for a bit.
I spent time with my family (siblings, mom, kids) today. I need to keep some distance from them also. Not forever, just until I can enjoy their company without being affected by their dynamics...
H said he didn't want to eat the breakfast I make for him because he doesn't want me to throw it in his face if I get angry. I cried. I said, I do it just because and don't expect anything in return. The tears just came out
couldn't help myself.
Looking back, I think it's because he knows he's not coming back and doesn't want me to get my hopes up
I need to detach...
You are doing amazing. Dont shame yourself for having feelings. He behavior is cruel you are the mother of his two kids of course you will have feelings of sadness. Continue to work your program and dont worry about what he is doing. He is making a huge mistake.
thank you brooke!
Today was especially difficult. I felt as if I was going through this process all over again. He moved out the remaining things from the house and garage into his apt.
What hurt more was how happy he was all day. D@mn him!
I had a "aha" moment towards the end of the day.
When my son was constantly sick and in the hospital I was able to manage my emotions because I knew that I wasn't a doctor and my job, what I did have control over was to help my son heal. I never lost it and had so much faith in them.
I see this as the same. I can only handle me! I need to leave it up to my higher power.
He agreed to talk to me about "us" on Tues. I believe I will be going dark after my son's bday. I wouldn't want to anyone to spoil that day.
We had "the R talk" today.
I asked him what are your plans as far as R. He said he doesn't want me to hold on to hope because it's not fair for me. However he didn't give me a definite answer.
I said I would like to know because I want to know if I should move on from this. For us, the best situation is to have him home but if that's not what he chooses, then I respect it. I said, I also appreciate all your help with the kids yet there does need to be a time for me (no contact) to heal.
He seemed very struck by this. I said it would be temporary. I don't know how long but long enough where I can feel completely detached. It's too difficult for me to respect his choice not to live with us if he comes over 3 times a day.
He called after. worried about how I was doing. I was VERY good. AND I WASN'T "ACTING AS IF". I finally feel really really good. cuz I know that for 10 months I fought for my marriage. For 10 months I put my marriage first for my children and for my marriage and now I get to put myself first.
My plan, to gradually do the no contact. First, no bedtime visits. Then no morning visits. Next, no afternoon visits. Finally biweekly visitation on weekends. I let him know we can go back to more visits once I'm ready.
I feel sooo good! absolutely No regrets!
I'm feeling really down today. I need some DB advice/encouragement.
What are you doing for you today to GAL?
I took S3 to parent ed n went to an al anon meeting. organizing my house and napping kids. gonna do housework since I can't really go out and it keeps me busy. I've become a neat freak. It's the only thing I can control since my life is unmanageable.
It called Cake Eating. I did not understand really what it was myself until a month or 2 ago. Your H and mine to understand that one day he will not be invited over whenever he feels like it. One day you will have another boyfriend or H helping at bedtime. Getting D means that he will miss out on things. You need a schedule. You need to make someone else the bad guy - like a parent or therapist. Tell H I wish I could keep letting you come over whenever but my C says its not a good idea, its giving the kids mixed messages. Blame it on someone else and stick to a schedule for atleast 6 months.
(Look I really dont know what to do, I'm just thinking out loud)
Also something to consider would be registering for a dating web site and paying for it using a common bank account so he can see you are moving on. (I plan to do this as soon as my new ATM comes in the mail)
Keep up with the Al anon, it has really helped me too. You are a wonderful woman and mom, if your H would take a second and look. keep your head up:)
I just vomited all over a conversation I had with H right now. I brought up old stuff (affair stuff) and used it against him. Told him I didn't want him coming over anymore. Told him, he treats everyone better than me, even acquaintances. Told him, I'm tired. Let's just assume he's never coming back and go about our day as if he's never coming back. I said, I'm not telling you I don't want you to come back but I'm tired of ignoring the elephant in the room. Let's just leave it as if you're never coming back.
His response, I appreciate you more now than before. You're the mother of my kids. It's important to me that you are ok. You treat me better than anyone and put everything I've done to you aside.
What sparked my upheaval? I had 1/2 a glass of wine on an empty stomach (I'm a light weight!)
AND...
I'm tired of waiting. My patience is running out. Al Anon teaches me to detach with love, I just pushed him off a cliff!
PLUS! I set out some food for him and S4 and he said, thank I really appreciate it.
I hate that he says that cuz he never used to say that before. Do I sound like a lunatic? I would have rather appreciated, thank you (Veronica). that's it.
he called after. we talked. i backpedaled. it worked.
i don't want to DB anymore. I want to take the train to acceptance.
V you can take the train to acceptance while you are on the DB train. I know how stressful it is to have H around so often - it makes it that much harder to detach. I can't imagine how tough it must be to be dealing with the 2 little ones on top of that.
Remember that so much of DB is about working on ourselves and re-finding our true selves. Don't be too hard on yourself for the conversation. You can't ignore the feelings that you're having and you recognized that it probably wasn't the best way to handle them (although in the moment it might have felt like a great release to push him off of the proverbial cliff).
It does sound like you might benefit from going back and re-examining the expectations that you still have with H. You seem to have thrown that in his face during the convo - but the acting as if he's not coming back would be for your benefit, not necessarily his. If you can set that expectation that he is coming back to zero - for YOURSELF - then you could treat his kind words about the meal you set out for him as just nice words (and feel good about that small thing), and not some sign that he is preparing to be at home 100% of the time. I know how tough this is, I really, really do.
Hang in there.
I'm holding in a lot of resentment again. It's creeping up. H said that after S4s Bday party he slept really well knowing it went great. I wish I could say the same. The kids woke up a lot that night and I was exhausted.
If Hs friends were to ask me, "How r u doing?" I would love to respond, "good, taking care of Hs kids so he can whore around with you!"
Have a great day everyone!
Sometimes you have to fake it till you make it.
Your feelings are normal, we are not all mother theresa
Hang in there. Enjoy your kids
^^Concur. Can you get to a gym or get a DVD/on demand workout in to punch out some of that frustration? Get a few light dumbbells and do some reps? Gym has been a huge part of my GAL and it feels great (bonus - fitting into skinny jeans and looking hot!).
u feel me brooke??
as for working out, i stopped. but ur right i need to let out all this frustration w some good exercise!
**at therapy he said he sometimes brings up our sitch as permanent so as not to give me hope. all the while he's still confused! go figure!
