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Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2

Posted By: RoRoinMD

Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/08/12 05:13 PM

Starting a new thread.

Not sure how to link to my old one, so somebody help!

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2214104#Post2214104

Am I supposed to give a synopsis of my saga each time? At any rate, I don't feel like it right now, so probably later.

I ended up agreeing with H for him to take the day off and he's been watching me like a hawk since. I have told him that I appreciate him doing this for me. He said he would rather be here than have me trying to drive somewhere and get dizzy. He's out now getting more medicine and lunch.

My being sick has given me time to think. In our M, why did I never lean on him? Why did I have to do everything myself? Thanks to the women in my family, I am independent to a fault. I probably have never let my H feel needed unless there was a tragedy or I was about to fall out from doing too much.

No wonder he says I'm too wound up? Who wouldn't be from trying to do everything. So one of my 180s will continue to be to not sweat the small stuff. And for goodness sake, the world won't end if my H doesn't do something exactly as I would. (This is actually something I'm going to try to do with everybody. I think it will make my outlook on life in general a lot better.)
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/09/12 03:12 AM

Well, ended up asking H to drive me to Urgent Care. We went to 2 different ones before we found one that was still open. Turns out I have a virus/upper respiratory infection. No work for the rest of the week, and bed rest. :-(

H has been really helpful this whole time. I told him I feel bad that he wasted a day staying home with me. He said it wasn't a waste and that he wanted to do what he could to help me feel better. I am glad he was here today because I was feeling really bad. It wasn't easy to lean on him before. I know my stubborness is keeping me from wanting to do it now. Who wants to appear weak when their H is having an affair?

He was playing more music today. It bothered me for half a second and then I told myself "You can only control you". Just going with the flow now. Not feeling especially good at DBing. I know it's a process and I've only been at it for a month. Time will tell if I keep doing what I'm doing, I guess.
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/09/12 06:09 AM

I am really missing my H tonight. Even though he still lives here, it's as if he's not here. Does that even make sense?

I want to snuggle with him and get hugs and kisses like I used to, and have it feel real. Definitely missing the connection tonight.

Being sick + PMS has turned me into a big baby it seems. LOL
Posted By: NSweet

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/09/12 11:42 AM

Keep your head up RR. You know he's hurting too.

DBing is a thankless sercetive job only strong enough spouses have the courage to do.
Posted By: Cadet

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/09/12 12:16 PM

Originally Posted By: RoRoinMD
I am really missing my H tonight. Even though he still lives here, it's as if he's not here. Does that even make sense?

I want to snuggle with him and get hugs and kisses like I used to, and have it feel real. Definitely missing the connection tonight.

Being sick + PMS has turned me into a big baby it seems. LOL


Yes this makes sense and is perfectly normal.

So at least you are aware that you are being ruled by your emotions and not thinking with your brain, that is good.

Sometimes doing something can be accomplished by doing NOTHING.

That would be my advice.

Take no actions on your emotions, you are cycling and this will pass. Remember to wait 24-48 hours before you take an action.
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/09/12 05:58 PM

Well, I just snooped and found out my H's Vegas trip is actually with OW. He's been telling me for months it was with his high school BFs. But every time he would talk about it, something in the story would change. So I got suspicious.

I also found evidence of some other strange behavior that I won't get into now. I'll just say it has me thinking he needs counseling on a number of issues.

There's no question I have to confront him about it. I know I can't keep quiet about this until he gets back. Any suggestions on how to handle this? Its really looking like my M is over. :-(
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/09/12 06:31 PM

And to think he had asked me before the bomb for spending money as his Chrslistmas gift. What kind of person asks his wife to help pay for his trip with his mistress? God, how stupid am I?
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/09/12 08:47 PM

Journaling...there's no one here with me so I guess you guys will have to suffer through my ramblings...LOL

So I've been reading some of the threads on the Infidelity board. They have helped me get some perspective. I still don't know what to do. DBing does not recommend confronting the WAS about their affair. Of course, I have already done this once before. This Vegas thing really just adds another layer to it. And me asking him about it is not going to keep him from going. I'll be out of town myself - actually close to where OW lives and where they are flying out of. The old me would have already planned to meet them at her house on their wsy home. The new me still wants to cause bodily harm but won't. LOL

And there's LRT where I tell him he's free to go and I agree to S. At this point, I'm not sure I'm ready to do that yet.

So that still leaves me with what to do? H going to Vegas with OW and me knowing it and not saying anything makes me feel like a fool.
Posted By: Brian in Hville

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/09/12 09:12 PM

Ro..

I know how hard it is, but you need to forget about the OW. Concentrate on you. Go out and GAL. Worry about ONLY the things you can control. Keep talking to us. You are going to be ok regardless what happens. Trust me on this, this board is FULL of survivors. We love you.

Brian
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/09/12 09:17 PM

Brian - Thanks. I know I will be ok. But I would love to be okay in a new M with my H, you know?

So basically you are telling me to keep my mouth shut?

Wish I could GAL. Stuck on bed rest with this virus. Which leaves me lots of time to think. And plot. LOL
Posted By: Brian in Hville

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/09/12 09:34 PM

Ro,

I would never tell a lady to keep her mouth shut...But I would advise to forget about the OW. Only bad things could come from you doing this. It might push your H even that much farther away. Concentrate on you. Make the changes in your life to better yourself. That way, when this thing ends (in either you being divorced or in that new M with your H), you will be happy with who you are (and so will whoever is with you!).

Bed rest...that does s*ck...Wanna play words with friends then? LOL


Brian
Posted By: BFloat

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/09/12 09:36 PM

ack! that s*cks! (((( roro ))))

i guess you'll have to ask yourself what confronting H will accomplish?

get better soon! stop plotting! lol
Posted By: labug

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/09/12 09:38 PM

Is this a dealbreaker for you? If not what else has changed?
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/09/12 09:52 PM

Brian - yeah I get it. Words with friends! Yeah! Same username. Although I doubt any of my words will make sense. LOL

BF - Absolutely nothing other than stroking my ego. It burns me up that he thinks he's getting over on me. And I'm hurt that he would want to. I mean, we've never been to Vegas, and now he's taking HER?!

labug - If the A was a dealbreaker, I would not be on this site right now. So nothing else has changed. I am just amazed at the amount of trouble he is going through to cover his tracks. If you guys could hear the stories. Its very sad that it has come to this.
Posted By: Brian in Hville

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/09/12 10:32 PM

Ro...

Game started..

He's NOT getting over on you. You know!!! And people who do KNOW they are doing wrong do EVERYTHING they can to cover their tracks. Like I said..You work on you. Let him see what he is missing.

Brian
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/09/12 11:02 PM

Brian - got it!

Last night the folks at Urgent Care forgot to give me back my ID and insurance card. H was supposed to pick it up after work, but after this afternoon's developments, I pulled myself together long enough to drive over there and get it myself. Just sent him a text message saying I went so he doesn't have to. His response "Oh. Ok. How are you feeling?" Told him somewhat better and that the rest has helped. He responds, "Great! What do you want for dinner?" I told whatever he wanted was fine.


He then calls me check in and to give me 3 options for dinner. I remind him that I still have half of my Subway sub from yesterday. He's asking if I want Chic-fil-a, which is a good 20+ mins in traffic. I tell him I don't want that but if he does he should go ahead. We settle on Chipotle in case I want something later.

Knowing what I know now, what I thought were all positive signs, now seem like something he's doing to appease his guilt about this trip. I can honestly say, while he's been helpful when I've been sick before, he's never offered to take the day off once. I don't even know how to act when he gets home. Acting as-if may not be enough right now.

I feel like I'm going coo-koo for Cocoa Puffs!
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/09/12 11:42 PM

More randomness...At this rate, I'll get to another 100 posts with just my thoughts. LOL

H just called me out of the blue and asked if I had any popcorn. (My favorite snack) I said I did. He asked if I had the kind for my air popper. I said I thought I did. He then asked if I had popcorn seasonings. I again said I did.

What the...? He seemed (yeah, I know - mindreading) to be reaching for something that would make me happy or to get a favorable response. I hadn't even mentioned popcorn in about 2 weeks. I think this is his conscience getting to him. Or maybe I'm just wishing it was.

There will probably be more posts like this since I'm stuck in the house with nothing but time on my hands, and he'll be home soon. I apologize in advance. Either you guys hear my quest for understanding or he does....and we know how that would go.
Posted By: BFloat

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/09/12 11:48 PM

If you're going crazy.. Keep posting!!

I don't have much to say since I'm not exactly an expert. But know that I'm sending you positive vibes.
Posted By: Brian in Hville

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/10/12 12:02 AM

I don't know what he is getting at/after, but don't put too much thought into it. WAS don't think rationally and we can't understand their reasoning! Just post post post!!!

Brian
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/10/12 12:51 AM

Latest development - H went to Target and got me a microwave popcorn popper. HUH?

I made a joke and asked was this my Valentine's Day present. He had the nerve to look shocked and inhale loudly and say Oh no! I said Oh, I didn't think I was getting one. Thank you.

So not my best moment, but I am now channeling Mother Teresa. She had better show up soon.
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/10/12 03:36 AM

I've stuck to myself most of the night. Because right now bringing up his trip is on the tip of my tongue. He came home and I had all of the lights off and was just sitting up in bed. I knew I couldn't look at him. He peeped in but left because he thought I was asleep. I said I'm awake. He asked why I was sitting in the dark, and what was wrong. I said I was just thinking. He asked about what. I said just thinking. That's when he brought in that popcorn bowl. I think he knows something is up but not sure what.

He's not feeling well tonight so he's already in bed. I did the cordial thing and asked if he needed anything. He said no. So now I am sitting beside him in bed surfing the DB boards before bed. Not feeling that great myself so it'll be an early night for me too.

What do you guys think about me going "dim"? I haven't thought it would be beneficial since we're still living together, but now I'm not sure.
Posted By: NSweet

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/10/12 07:16 AM

Right, you have to pick your battles and right now he is too wrapped up with the OW to accept any responsibility or confess. There will come a time for confrontation later but wait until you're feeling better. A sick person in unattractive on a darwin and you don't want that level of contempt for no reason.
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/10/12 01:32 PM

I didn't get much sleep last night, so I'm extra tired today. I'm not sure why the knowledge of this trip bothers me so much. After all, it's just another lie on top of everything else.

I realize that confronting my H about this trip is not the right thing to do. But if he tells me about the trip himself, that's a different scenario. I had previously told him that I might try to plan a trip to Vegas for my sister's graduation present. She'll finish her MS in May. So this morning I told him that I was going to send his bf a FB message asking for the website where he got their Vegas deal from. H says ok and says he'll send me his flight schedule as well since he keeps forgetting to give it to me.

Now, I actually already have his flight schedule for Vegas as I found that during my snooping. It had both H and OW's names on it. So I'm wondering exactly what he is going to send me? Sooner or later the truth is going to come out. And it's going to have to come from him since he's the common denominator in all this.

I'm wondering if he's on the phone with his bf getting the story straight now. LOL I feel like I'm turning into my old self (vindictive, mean, bitter) with this new development. Prayer time! I don't ever want to go back there!
Posted By: nhmom

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/10/12 01:43 PM

Hey RoRoin...sending you some ((hugs)).

My thoughts:

Don't confront him about the trip. In fact, don't ask ANYTHING about the trip. Just tell him to have a good time. Don't call him. Don't text him. Nothing.

Your H seems to be acting extra nice lately. He's probably doing that out of guilt. Don't eat from his hand. If he does something nice, don't overly thank him or anything. Just say 'thanks' and act like it's no big deal.

Is there anything you can plan for yourself while he's gone? Something fun? Put something on the calendar so that he could see, but be vague.
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/10/12 02:02 PM

Nh - I had already planned to go dark next weekend. I'll be in NC with my sis, so that will be easy to do.

I tried the no big deal thing last night with the popcorn bowl. He definitely didn't like it. I could tell by the look on his face.

I just bet he does feel guilty. That's probably why he agreed to go on the double date with our friends tomorrow night.

This whole situation is just too much! Why can't marriage be simple?
Posted By: nhmom

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/10/12 02:13 PM

Originally Posted By: RoRoinMD
Why can't marriage be simple?


I ask myself the same question. I know marriage takes work, but work should come from both people. Enough with the mind games! smile

Good, he didn't like the "whatever" reaction about the popcorn. Keep doing that! Let him feel guilty. It's not your responsibility to relieve him of the guilt. It shows that he DOES care about you, but he's confused. He probably likes the attention he's getting from OW, but he's not willing to let you go yet. His actions show that he's doing temp checks, he wants to make sure you're still there. If he truly didn't care, he'd be gone already.

Good for you for going to see your sister! I'm glad you won't be sitting at home letting your mind go wild about "what could be". At least for those few days, try to "forget" H.

Wow, double date? Do your friends know about your sitch?
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/10/12 02:22 PM

No our friends don't know anything about our sitch. So it should prove to be a interesting night. I feel like I should be nominated for an Oscar half the time!
Posted By: nhmom

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/10/12 02:38 PM

Ok, now the spitefulness is coming out in me....it would be "funny" if your H's trip came up and to see how consistent his story would be as he tries to lie to your friends.

Yes, you should be nominated for an Oscar!
Posted By: sayitaintso

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/10/12 03:20 PM

Feeling for you RR. I just found out last night my WAW hooked up w/ some random dude. Guess I was naive in thinking that she wouldn't do that but whattaya gonna do.

We are taking the high road (most of the time wink and it sure is tough but I think in the end we can look back and be proud of ourselves no matter what the outcome of our m's is.

Stay strong!!
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/10/12 05:40 PM

NH - I know! I still can't wait to see what the flight schedule looks like. It would be so much easier if he'd just tell the truth. Instead he just looks pathetic to me. Of course, to him, he's on easy street. GRRRR!

Sias- I don't feel very proud of myself right now. I feel used.
Posted By: BFloat

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/10/12 06:42 PM

roro, hang in there! the extra niceness can be a bit unnerving don't you think? NO THINKING (another mantra of mine) because you'll drive yourself crazy. smile
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/10/12 08:35 PM

I've spent the last hour tossing and turning, wondering what happened to my life? No it wasn't great all the time, but I thought it was good enough. This isn't how it's supposed to be.

Spiritually, it has shaken me to my core. I love God more than I think I ever did, but I'm still wondering what I did to deserve this?
Posted By: Brian in Hville

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/10/12 08:49 PM

Be strong Ro...as a survivor of this board, I can tell you that you will come out of this a much better person. You may or may not have a new R with your H, but you will be happy with yourself. This darkness is the hard part.

God loves you as well. That is why He allows bad things to happen to people. If you ever wonder if things could get worse, go read Job again!

Just keep posting to us. Describe to us (in detail) the worst tasting food you have ever had!

Brian
Posted By: purgatory

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/10/12 09:15 PM

(((RR)))

On your double date, make sure that you look great and act 'as if' nothing is bothering you. Let him be the one who is uncomfortable at the table- but seeing you so happy and talkative. This is also a great image to leave with your friends- so when they do find out about the stich, they will think your H is crazy to leave you because you're so much fun!!

My close friend- told me: "The only thing stronger than God's will, is the free will of man. When we aren't on the path that God has planned for us, God has to break our wills in order for His to take over."
I keep reminding myself of this every time I feel out of control and questioning everything around me. I've never been a 'churchy' person, but I've always been faithful- and I've learned to lean heavily on that faith right now- especially since it's seems that I have no control over anything in my life.

Don't ask about the trip. I think that his guilt will weigh heavily on him while he's gone. You can be the bigger person and show H that you have enough self-respect to not even waste your breath mentioning OW or him- they aren't worth the effort. (then you can come to the boards and vent it all out) Hey think of this: Maybe she's a gremlin and she will reveal her true self in Sin City!!
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/13/12 04:04 PM

Journaling...Sorry for the long post. I needed a break from the boards this weekend. You're about to find out why.

I donít know what this weekend turned out to beÖI was really on the train to Crazytown.

So after posting here on Friday I had a meltdown. A serious one. My stepson and I were texting earlier in the day, and for some reason, it didnít hit me until Friday afternoon that if my H and I do get a D, I will be losing my stepson too. Now my H and I havenít been married that long, and forging a relationship with my stepson hasnít been easy for me (just because I didnít know how to), but I love that boy like heís my own. So my heart was really breaking on Friday.

My H called once he got off work to see what I wanted for dinner. At that point, I had been crying for probably 45 mins. I could barely get words out. I had to hang up the phone. He calls me back and I manage to say I couldnít talk to him. He wanted to know what was wrong. I just said I couldnít talk to him.

And this is where the craziness beginsÖ

I managed to pull myself together enough to take a shower. At this point itís about 2 hours since Iíve talked to my H. I call him to get him to bring me some food, no answer. Remember I am still sick and on bed rest. So I get dressed and drive myself to get some food. As Iím pulling back up at the house, H calls me back. I explain that I just wanted some food. He asks if I drove myself. I say yes. He apologizes. Heís been at the movies because he ďjust needed to get outĒ. (That is Hís code word for I didnít know what to expect at home, so I just avoided it all together. He used to do this a lot when we would argue). It takes him another hour or so to get home. (Iím sure he had to do his good night call to OW).

He asks me once he gets home what was wrong earlier. I said I was just upset. He tells me he didnít know what was going on so thatís why he went to the movies. (Ha! Is that honesty for a change?)

So, hereís where I break the most important DB rule. I start a R conversation. At this point, I have to know what is going on with the Vegas trip. (I know I shouldnít have said anything, but it was eating me alive!). So I say, ďI have to ask this. Is there any chance that your mistress will be in Vegas next week?Ē He just looks at me and says no. I ask isnít her b-day next week. He says he doesnít know; he thinks the 20th. I say you claim to love this person and you donít know when her b-day is? He finally says itís the 20th. ďSo thereís no chance I will find out when you get back that she was there?Ē He says, ďI have absolutely nothing to do with her b-day plans.Ē He says he and his friends have wanted to do this trip for a long time.

He seems kind of defensive about it. I say there is no need to get defensive. He says heís not. I say itís not like we can pretend she doesnít exist. Then he starts texting on his phone. I think he feels guilty every time he has to talk to me about her.

He then starts looking at my SS pictures on FB. (Heís been doing that a lot. He seems sad when he does it. Is he starting to get a clue of how this will affect everybody?) I tell him thatís why I was upset earlier. Because I realized if we get D, I will lose my SS too. He tells me SS loves me. I say at least someone does.

Regardless, Iím not sure what to believe at this point. In my snooping earlier, I found a room confirmation from OW for Vegas as well as plane reservations. I couldnít verify that the room is still reserved, but the plane tickets sure are. He is adamant that they are not staying in the same hotel and that they are flying from a completely different city. Heís supposed to send me the flight reservation so weíll see. (Why do I even care at this point? SIGH)

I also asked him about his wedding ring. (Why not, I was on a role!) He says the other ring he was going to wear he couldnít get over his knuckle. I ask him about the 3rd ring he used to wear. He says it will probably fit. I donít say anything else.

Saturday was an okay day. H tore his last pair of contacts, so he was frantically trying to find somewhere to go get some more. Because I am a fixer, Iím trying so hard not to rush in and solve the problem. So I listen to him call 5 or 6 places for about 45 minutes. (H really does not do this kind of stuff well. I normally handle all appointments.) Finally, I couldnít take it anymore. I could hear him getting more and more frustrated with every call. So I search and find a place. I go in and tell him they can see him immediately. I ask him how heís getting there, being that he can only see out of one eye. Heís like Iíll be fine. I remind him that he canít see anything without his contacts in. He says well I have one. I just give him a look. He asks me to drive him. I say only if you want me to. If you donít want me to go, I wonít. He agrees to let me drive him.

So he gets the eye exam and is not pricing his contacts. The last time he got contacts, I paid for half of them because they are so expensive and we have medical reimbursement. Well, I was determined this time that he sees how my not coming to his rescue was going to be. (Granted it was mean, but whatever!) He negotiated with those people for the better part of an hour until he got the price down to something he could afford. I also know he is trying to save money for Vegas. (He had asked me for money for Vegas at Christmas. I gave him a gift card, and had planned on giving him more this week, but now Ií m not sure. Itís either I stick to my word and fund a trip that may include the OW, or go back on my word, which I hate doing. UGH!)

So while at the eye place, H starts feeling sick. We come home and he takes a nap. We have about 1 Ĺ hours before we have to meet our friends. I text them and say weíll be there by 7 instead of 6. So I wake H up around 6:15. He just turns over. I give him another 15 minutes and try again. I know he wasnít feeling well and ordinarily I would have been upset if he had decided to go. But this time, as heís ironing his clothes, I ask if he still wants to go. He says heíll go. I said thatís not what I asked, but left it alone.

We finally get to the restaurant, and the hostess says a table for 6, instead of 4. Turns out another couple who are friends of ours came too. Which I didnít know, so I wasnít sure how H was going to react. But he was fine. We ended up having a really good time. They knew we were both under the weather so any awkwardness will be chalked up to that. I apologized on the way out saying I didnít know the other couple was going to be there. He said it was fine.

As I was running out of the house, I grab my Hís extra ring. I get in the car and just hand it to him. He looks at me and just puts it on. (And itís been on every since!)

Sunday was rather uneventful. I was feeling bad, so I was in bed most of the day. H said something about stretching out and taking a nap. I said mischievously that he could always come lay down in bed with me. We go out to run some errands, and come back home. My mother gave me a home remedy that she said would help us feel better. Of course it included alcohol. So we made it last night while we watched the Grammys. And proceeded to get lit like a Christmas tree. LOL that was funny. Helped my morning today go VERY well. LOL

Anyway, I think the weekend was salvaged overall. The intimacy is still there, although still no ML. Is it possible he thinks heís cheating on the OW by ML to me? Just the thought makes my blood boil. But weíve still being doing everything but that. Heís even started doing things he did when were just dating, like bringing me warm washcloths afterwards. (I was so surprised by this. He just started doing it a couple of days ago. I'm not even sure he realizes it.)

So thatís my saga. I think Iím somewhat back to normal mentally and emotionally today. Hopefully anyway. Iím still not 100% on the health scale, and Iím sure the stress of all is adding to it.

Donít swing the 2x4s too hard!

P.S. Shout out to Brian (and his girlfriend) for keeping me company with Words With Friends! It really helped!
Posted By: Brian in Hville

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/13/12 05:07 PM

Hey Ro...

Sorry you had to go through that this weekend. We were thinking about you (I was telling her about your sitch).

No 2 x 4's as you know what you did. Just move on from here. NO MORE MENTIONING VEGAS!!! Again, just concentrate on you. Do you want him to see the person you WANT to be or the person that you were? I know I probably sound like a broken record to you...But it is SO important in this process.

Just know we all love you on this board. You are in our prayers.

PS..notice she didn't say who WON the game! LOL
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/13/12 05:25 PM

Yes, Brian won the first game. But there is a rematch in progress!

I did feel like I was slipping back into being someone I didn't like this weekend. So I was trying to focus on being happy and upbeat on Saturday and Sunday. It worked for the most part.

H just sent me a check-in email. I was determined not to send one. Its so hard!

Btw - For those of you who got medication for your anxiety, did you talk to your regular doctor or a specialist? I think it's about time I got help for mine.
Posted By: nhmom

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/13/12 05:33 PM

R,

I don't know if it's the full moon or what, but Friday was quite crazy for me as well (see my post). I completely lost it on H.

I hope you're doing better now! ((R))
Posted By: mimivac

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/13/12 05:48 PM

RoRo, wow what an emotional weekend you've had. Don't feel bad. You've had an enormous amount to deal with lately and I can see how you just couldn't hold it in anymore. I admire you for not spilling the beans on the flight information you saw. It's obvious that your H feels a lot of guilt. Don't let him off the hook by fighting so that he feels justly "punished" and relieved of his guilty feelings. Being sick doesn't help either, because it promotes sitting around and endlessly thinking about the sitch. And we all know where that leads -- nowhere good.

I echo what others have said. No more talk about the Vegas trip. Try to put it out of your mind (easier said than done, I know). No more interpreting what H means when he's nice to you. I do think that being nice and doing things for you is a positive and you could view it like that. But try not to have expectations as to where it will lead. Until he says straight out that he wants to reconcile, his actions are not necessarily indicative of that. Emotionally, he could be anywhere: guilty, sad, confused, scared, etc. Let him work that out on his own. You have nothing to do with that. I have gotten caught in over-interpreting my H's actions as an indication that he is thinking of reconciliation -- he wasn't and in fact hadn't changed his mind at all. Now, I try to see our positive interaction as good steps, but nothing more. Expectations without a clear verbal intention to get back together lead to disappointment.

Just keep on GALing!

PS. I doubt very much that he will ever send you that flight information if it has the OW's name on it. He is still in lie and hide mode. Hang in there.


Mimi

_________________________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12
Posted By: mimivac

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/13/12 05:51 PM

Originally Posted By: RoRoinMD
Btw - For those of you who got medication for your anxiety, did you talk to your regular doctor or a specialist? I think it's about time I got help for mine.


Your regular doctor can help with that. I have anxiety medication for flying and took some during my cancer treatment when I was just too overwhelmed. I've had to take one or two since my whole sitch started, too. I think it can definitely help in situations when you truly cannot soothe yourself. It also helps just to know that it's there, even if you don't take them very often. Good luck

Mimi

_________________________________________
M:37; H:37; M: 10 years; T:13 years; no kids.
Bomb: 1/08/12
Separated: 1/18/12
Posted By: Brian in Hville

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/13/12 05:53 PM

I talked to a psychiatrist to get my prescription.
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/13/12 08:16 PM

Just made an appointment with my primary care physician for Monday, and will go from there.
Posted By: BFloat

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/13/12 09:58 PM

good call. i was always afraid of the stigma attached to ADs but.. it was one of the smartest decisions i've made! smile has really been a lifesaver during these trying times.
Posted By: purgatory

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/13/12 10:04 PM

ADs can be a life saver! Nothing to be embarrassed about... And it's not like they make you wear a T-shirt that says: "Ask me if I took my meds today"
I've taken them on and off since I was 16. I've always been told to take them consistently for at least 3 months before you determine if they are helping... And then, I've never had to take them longer than 7 months.

Good for you for taking steps to take care of yourself. Once the anxiety is under control, *you* can take charge of your mind and emotions much easier... Which will help you cope.
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/14/12 04:52 AM

Purg & bf - I am antsy about this because of the kind of job I have. I have to report all mental health visits and whatnot.

H comes home tonight from shopping for his trip. We're chatting and he tells me that he was looking at these shoes for me which were going to be my V-day present. He wasn't sure I would like them though, so he didn't get them. Says if I do like them he will go back and get them.

I was shocked. Wasn't sure if we were exchanging gifts. I did get him something just in case though. But I was preparing myself not to.

He's been extra chatty and funny tonight. Reminds me of how he was when we were dating. I think he's extra guilty. LOL

Well off to bed...in my cute/sexy pjs. ;-)
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/14/12 01:53 PM

I woke up to some nastygrams on Twitter from OW. Basically saying that just because I live with H, doesn't make me his main woman. I should in fact be wondering why there is someone on the side.

Now I will admit to checking her Twitter page for evidence of the A and what's going on. But never directly wrote anything to her. I have posted my own thoughts on my own Twitter page (not always nice I admit), but never mentioned her directly. I don't have any followers so she would have to purposely be looking at my page to know what I've posted.

I will admit, it made me chuckle to myself. I'm not #1 even if I live with him? Well clearly neither is she. But like Caleb said in Fireproof this ring on my finger gives me a head start. I've since protected my Twitter account.

I wonder if she's going to talk to H about it, and maybe pressure him to move out. It's amazing to me that she is proud to be the OW. What is wrong with people? So I don't know what to expect from H today. Just gonna roll with it.
Posted By: nhmom

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/14/12 02:16 PM

RR,

guilty or not, it's nice that your H is considering a V-day gift for you! I hope he picked out nice shoes!

As for the OW, shame on her and all the other OW/OM out there. How can someone live with themselves knowing they are a home wrecker? That they are intentionally hurting people, breaking up love, taking a parent away from a child FOREVER?!

In my blowup the other day I actually said that to H (I was on a roll), I said what kind of a person is she, knowing that he's married and has a child, and still wanting to destroy everything. And that he is attracted to THAT? He thinks he'll find his happiness in THAT? He didn't answer.

Anyway, OW is obviously feeling major jealousy...maybe because of V-day? You are still #1 and hates that.
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/14/12 04:13 PM

Well, I did get Valentineís Day gifts from my H. He left for work, then came back in with the bag. Said he drove down the block to put it together so I wouldnít look out the window and see him. Got a semi-generic card (although, he did write I love you in it), some champagne, some candy, a bottle of water I like, and a CD. Heís sending me a picture of the shoes as we speak to see if I will like them.

I got him some candy and gum to take on his trip, and a new loofah for the shower. (He loves body washes). I also put some money (less than originally planned) in his very generic V-day card. He is probably going to be shocked when he opens it and it says ďHi. Just stopping by to say, Happy Valentineís Day.Ē LOL Normally we both give each other cards that say To my Wife or To my Husband. Guess itís not to be this year. Hereís hoping and praying for next year.

I also had an email in my inbox when I got to work with the flight info on it. No names, one ticket number. I just sent back a message and asked whoís ticket it was. (I already know, but wanted to see what he was going to say). He says this is what his friend sent him and his bf says he has both barcodes. Turns out both tickets (his bfís and OWís) end up on the same flight from Memphis to Vegas for the 2nd leg of their trip. I am so confused. On the one hand, I want to believe so bad that he is telling the truth. On the other hand, I have proof that he probably isnít. HmmmÖguess I just need to let it go. (I know, I knowÖno one has to say it).

I did get a nice surprise ďHappy Valentineís DayĒ phone call from my father-n-law. He almost never calls me, so it was nice to know he was thinking about me today. One thing I know for sure, if no R happens, OW is going to have one H*LL of a time breaking into this family. Hís parents will stick by him Iím sure, butÖOW wonít be readily accepted. Of this I am sure.

I am still tripping out on OWís messages this morning. She is too crazy. She should be thankful I have the job I have, otherwise, the old me would have already had a conversation with her about what was really going to happen. LOL Why do I always have to be the upstanding citizen? GRRR
Posted By: purgatory

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/14/12 04:42 PM

Happy V-Day to a kick @ss woman!!!
I'm renaming it Victory-Day for all us LBsers!!!
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/14/12 05:08 PM

Originally Posted By: purgatory
Happy V-Day to a kick @ss woman!!!
I'm renaming it Victory-Day for all us LBsers!!!


Thank you! I love it.
Posted By: sayitaintso

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/14/12 05:21 PM

Originally Posted By: RoRoinMD
I woke up to some nastygrams on Twitter from OW. Basically saying that just because I live with H, doesn't make me his main woman. I should in fact be wondering why there is someone on the side.


Wow^^^, that bitc* has some nerve. Can't believe some of these people. Glad to see you refrained and didn't respond as I don't see any benefit in it.

What are you doing for you lately? GAL'ing? Reading the past few pages I feel it would be in your best interest to consciously work on detaching more. (obviously easier said than done.)

Your state of mind and reactions seem very heavily tied to your H lately. Again easier said than done but we have to work on it as much as possible to get to a place where what they say or do does not affect us as much. (Imo)

Best!
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/14/12 05:31 PM

that batchit crazy hosebag...does your h know you get these?

Gross...

sorry...I'lll post more later, but that gets me. How we can do this crap to other women (I'm NOT letting the spouses off with this)

but we are "co women" and we know how men make things sound. How "neglected" they feel, etc. blah blah blah...how they justify lying...(why they''ll probably repeat it with them does NOT seem to occur to many OWs)

just sad. There ought to be a sisterhood. I think I KNOW I would not date a married man--okay, unless I happened to KNOW his wife was in a coma for over 3 years or something...and even then I'd feel guilty.

sheesh...
Posted By: Grace_O

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/14/12 05:36 PM

Hey Ro,

Yep, she's nuts. Good for you not responding. Not worth an ounce of your energy.

It would be absolutely awesome if women did have a sisterhood that involved compassion etc. Oh well. Still, I like to think that there are more of us that wouldn't date a married man.

Then again, in my world unicorns eat rainbows and poop butterflies wink
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/14/12 05:53 PM

I have not said anything to H. Being that he chose her (she's not even cute! UGH!), I'm not sure of the reaction I'd get or my reaction if he didn't react, you know? I'd hate to have to pop him upside the head if he didn't react how I thought he should. LOL

But gotta say, it's drastically improved my mood today. LOL Strange, but it has.

sias, I know I need to detach more. It's really hard living with him to detach. Plus, I've been sick and he's been right there. I'll be back to GALing next week. Even though I know me not being home will just give him more time to solidify their relationship over the phone and through texting. (Can you hear me gagging?)I had a life before him and I'm getting a new one now. That may or may not include him. I need to keep repeating this to myself until I really believe it. GALing is for me, but you guys can't tell me that it doesn't work to his advantage that I won't be home. This is how it started in the first place.

I also have to say that knowing he may be going to Vegas with her feels like I'm giving him permission to cheat. I guess it would be different if I didn't know what I know and if he wasn't still living at home (which I'm grateful for), but can someone tell me how I'm supposed to act like I don't know? I'm seriously having a really hard time with this one.

And then I'm wondering if I'll always think about this trip if we do R? Granted this is not by any means the only time they've met up I think, but this is really bothering me. Can someone who's dealt with infidelity longterm pipe in here?
Posted By: Brian in Hville

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/14/12 07:39 PM

Hi Ro...

Happy V-Day to you. I hate the OW did that too you but good for you in not responding!

My thoughts on infidelity are this...You can either deal with him cheating in the hopes to get him back, or it is a deal breaker. If it isn't a deal breaker, then let him do his thing for now. If you two get back together, let him know that won't EVER be accepted/put up with again. The hardest thing in the world is to let something like this happen WHILE knowing about it. You are a strong woman with really good friends. You can handle this and we are here for you. Everything you want to say to him or her, come here and say it to us.

When he leaves, go GAL like crazy. Enjoy every minute you can. Celebrate you and who you are becoming. Do something you never did but always wanted to.

Brian
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/14/12 07:49 PM

I'd amend that only slightly Brian/Roro...


IF an A were a one night stand OR
a short term fling,

OR if I knew things were bad between us and there wasn't a surprise (like he wasn't pretending all was well when it's clearly not-like a serial cheater would)

OR like a Gaslight h would.

OR if we had separated, then it'd be much easier to cope with

than if there has been long term affair --which requires repeated, long term, lying & planned deceit.

I have no answer for you there. For me, that situation would be a deal breaker

not punitively but simply b/c I know I could not trust him again in the future...regardless.

And that lack of trust is a dealbreaker.
I Could still love him and think he is a good dad (or not, depends) and co-parent,

but as a wife--a woman w/my values--

if I feel I've been fooled over time, and at times when he acted as if all was well with us,

I could not see ME being able to cope with that. He'd have to have a brain tumor or weird psycho condition that explains it AND THAT is fixed...get a CAT scan?

Sorry if this isn't what you wanted but you did ask...and hey

There is a book called "after the Affair" that I did not read but heard was helpful...
Posted By: Accuray

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/14/12 08:03 PM

I read "After the Affair", here's the TOC:

Introduction -- Can a Couple Survive Infidelity?
Stage One: Reacting to the Affair "Is What I'm Feeling Normal"
1) The Hurt Partner's Response: Buried in an Avalanche of Loss
2) The Unfaithful Partner's Response: Lost in a Labyrinth of Choices

Stage Two: Reviewing Your Options: "Should I Stay or Leave?"
3) Exploring Your Ideas About Love
4) Confronting Your Doubts and Fears

Stage Three: Recovering from the Affair: "How Do We Rebuild Our Life Together?"
5) Learning About the Affair
6) Restoring Trust
7) How to Talk About What Happened
8) Sex Again
9) Learning to Forgive

Epilogue -- Revealing the Secret: Truth and Consequences

I did find it helpful. The Recovery chapter more or less assumes a remorseful spouse who is willing to work on the marriage with you. My W wanted to skip the "work" part, so that may happen.

Accuray
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/14/12 08:05 PM

Thanks Brian & 25 for the input.

Like I said before if it was a dealbreaker, I'd be gone by now. But...I'm not sure how long it's NOT going to be a dealbreaker. I don't know how long this has been going on. He hasn't said (or won't when asked). In the emails between them that I saw when I first found out, they were talking about it happening so fast. Now that doesn't mean anything. That could mean 6 months to some people and 2 days to others. I did not find any emails before November.

I just need to know that I've given my M everything I have. And honestly, I haven't. Not at least until after the bomb. So I can kind of understand (not really, but you get what I'm saying) how the OW came into the picture. But vows are vows, no matter how you're feeling. So I need to be true to mine right now. Whethere H is doing so or not. I've already been asked once to have a fling in the last 5 days. Believe me, I considered it. (This man is GORGEOUS!) But I know it won't get me closer to having the kind of M I want.

It's only been a month. How in the world do people do this for years? GEEZ
Posted By: Grace_O

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/14/12 08:26 PM

Ro,

Having them at home and dealing with this is really hard. You never get a break.

I get that you want to give your M everything you have. And yes, one person can change the dance. I have to say in retrospect though, the biggest obstacle I had (with regards to anger) was that not only didn't my H go to the mat for our M (for me, for our D's) he didn't even enter the gym. Find constructive ways to deal with the anger as it comes up.

Next week, when your up and about, sounds like you have a GAL plan, make sure you get to gettin'.
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/14/12 08:33 PM

Originally Posted By: Grace_O
Ro,

Having them at home and dealing with this is really hard. You never get a break.


That's exactly how I feel.
Posted By: mimivac

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/14/12 09:06 PM

Originally Posted By: RoRoinMD
I woke up to some nastygrams on Twitter from OW. Basically saying that just because I live with H, doesn't make me his main woman. I should in fact be wondering why there is someone on the side.


You have to be kidding me?! OW is actually contacting and taunting you?? Does your H know about this? And if not, is there a DB reason that you are not telling him? This woman is harrassing you and I see no reason that you have to hide it from your H (not saying you are, just wondering). Ro, I am new to this so I might not have it right, but it does seem to me that your H is doing some major cake eating here. He gets to act as if everything is fine at home, with your permission and participation -- and then go on vacation with the OW. And from what you've said, I do believe he is going there specifically to see her. What incentive does he have to change his behavior? Would you be OK in marriage like this long-term? He is learning that it is OK to have both a wife and a mistress. Why would he give that up?

I am sorry if I got it wrong here, but I don't like how he is treating you.

Mimi
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/14/12 11:03 PM

Mimi - There's no DB reason I'm bringing it up. As far as I'm concerned, she's feeling insecure and can't take it out on H. So I'm the next obvious target. There's a certain way I plan on handling her and that requires me to not be the vindictive one. So silence for me on the messages for now. My side will be heard, believe that.

As far as cake eating, I do believe you are right to a certain degree - the intimacy part. Other than that, we've been more like BFFs. We both know things aren't that great at home so there's no pretending there. He does not have my permission to do anything. I made that clear when I first found out about the A. He knows its not okay to have both of us. But as DB reminds us...we can only control ourselves.

Everybody has to make their own decision about how to handle an A. I'm doing what I think is right to save my M at this point. This Friday or next month, I may feel different.
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/14/12 11:50 PM

Originally Posted By: mimivac
Originally Posted By: RoRoinMD
I woke up to some nastygrams on Twitter from OW. Basically saying that just because I live with H, doesn't make me his main woman. I should in fact be wondering why there is someone on the side.


You have to be kidding me?! OW is actually contacting and taunting you?? Does your H know about this? And if not, is there a DB reason that you are not telling him? This woman is harrassing you and I see no reason that you have to hide it from your H (not saying you are, just wondering). Ro, I am new to this so I might not have it right, but it does seem to me that your H is doing some major cake eating here. He gets to act as if everything is fine at home, with your permission and participation -- and then go on vacation with the OW. And from what you've said, I do believe he is going there specifically to see her. What incentive does he have to change his behavior? Would you be OK in marriage like this long-term? He is learning that it is OK to have both a wife and a mistress. Why would he give that up?



some men won't. But most would. Most men, and almost all mistresses and wives, want a committment. It's a matter of time before he'll have choose and my guess is Ro wants to be the choice.

It's not as black and white as we all once thought it was...and that's not all bad.

If he doesn't choose soon enough , that may = a choice to Ro. if he makes the wrong choice, she'll know soon enough.

Roro, I suggest you set an internal deadline for yourself, which you can always reset,

so you know how long you can cope and compete with this. At that point, say a month or 90 days from now, check YOURSELF to see how YOUR changes and YOUR PERSONAL work are going...

are you making progress so that you are the woman you were meant to become? No matter what your H does, you CAN be that woman and frankly, you owe it to yourself to be her.

Be a woman only a fool would leave.


And at some point, set AND ENFORCE boundaries that respectful partners want and share.

Good luck



I am sorry if I got it wrong here, but I don't like how he is treating you.

Mimi


no one likes what he's doing. It's wrong. But many of us have wronged others OR have been wronged - and we're still here.

It's her choice to go in a healthy direction for as long as she can and our job to support her choice.

But Determining what that healthy direction is,
takes more than some anonymous posters to know or figure out. (mimi-No offense meant) it's THE hardest part of this journey.

Roro, I hope you can get some counselling or DB coaching.


Then you can find your personal "line in the sand", and we can help you keep it safe & unviolated.

get some counselling
For your peace of mind...and for guidance and strength, which we all wish for you.
Posted By: mimivac

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/14/12 11:57 PM

I totally respect Ro for what she is doing. Although I am an anonymous poster, I am rooting for her and her M. I hope that it works out and that they are able to have a healthy and happy R. I've learned alot from this site and I'm grateful. 25, I would love to have your insight on my sitch, too. smile

Mimi
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/14/12 11:57 PM

PS Roro,

make sure you want to be married to THIS MAN, AS HE IS NOW, and not that you are simply

but understandably,

fearing the loss. Sometimes "losing" is a good thing. There may be more to gain in life by letting this man go.

I only ask you this b/c things have never been great with you (from your posts.)

It's one thing to Recreate what you once had, gettting back to the loving dynamics that rewarded and comforted both of you,

and taking a bad situation and trying to create single handedly, what maybe never has been...(all that stable or happy)???

So I ask this of several people here, not just you.

Do you want THIS marriage TO THIS man, as he is...

or are you just afraid of losing?

It's not an easy question. But it's a biggie.

((( )))
Posted By: BFloat

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/14/12 11:58 PM

it's sort of amusing the OW's msgs. very insecure to be lashing out at you. being the person on the side (by her own admission) doesn't exactly make her the main woman does it?

"Everybody has to make their own decision about how to handle an A. I'm doing what I think is right to save my M at this point. This Friday or next month, I may feel different."

i couldn't agree w/ you more.
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/15/12 12:59 AM

Wow, lots of good feedback.

25- As I said before, it's not about the fear of losing. I've had far greater losses than this in my life. I've always been a survivor, and I know either way I'll be fine. The old me would have moved on LONG ago. (P.S. - You keep asking me this. I've answered it a few times. No offense, but I'd like to move on.) Yes, we've had issues, but there were some really great times in between those. Maybe soon I'll know what my line in the sand is. Right now, honestly I'm just not sure.

I haven't been able to afford a DB counseling session so far. I have managed to save some money, so I may be able to schedule one soon. I do think it will help me.

BF - It's just too comical. Who is proud to be the other woman? And I thought my self esteem was low because of all this. LOL
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/15/12 04:10 PM

JournalingÖ

Well, I guess I know what the rollercoaster feels like now. The ride Iím on now is called the Guiltness Monster. LOLOL (Lord, I have to laugh to keep from crying.)

So H picked up dinner for us last night while he was out doing last minute running around for his trip. He came home and I gave him his V-day stuff. I think he was surprised that he was getting anything. LOL And even more surprised at the stuff he got. I thought he was going to cry for a minute there. Guilt does that I guess. He hugged me tightly and just kept saying thank you so much. Btw, he read the card a second time, and turned it over like he was expecting it to say more. That did make me chuckle to myself.

So I was sitting in the living room while he was packing and getting his stuff together. He was talking on and off about the trip. How he hasnít hung out with one of his friends thatís going in so long. How heís going to get his BF to cut his hair tonight when he gets to his house. I really think Iím living in the Twilight Zone. He was extra talkative about the hotel they are staying in and some of the stuff he wants to do when they get there. For all I know he could not even be going to Vegas, but Mexico instead. LOL GEEZ

This is for those of us who were talking about the sexy PJs. Even though I was just doing it so I'd feel better about myself and not such a loser, someone noticed again last night. We ended up watching this show we both like: House of Lies. Itís a very good show, but I swear every 5 minutes someone is taking their clothes off. The past two times weíve watched it, heís brought up the fact that all the women seem to be wearing La Perla. (History: I told him a while ago that once I got down to my goal weight I was going to treat myself to a lingerie/underwear set from La Perla.) So last night we were talking about it, and I jokingly asked if he was looking at her @$$ or the lingerie. He just looked at me and we both busted out laughing. I told him I did like the bottoms she had on and had purchased something similar for myself Ė boy shorts. He was like really? I was like thatís what I had on last night. He just said REALLY? I told him I even got colored ones - pink. He was like you should wear more color. I told him I know, and that I planned to buy some more this weekend. LOL Said I can't wear a t-shirt to bed all the time. He just said yeah. So I take my shower, and come back through the living room to get something to drink. Heís like are those the boy shorts? I said Yep, and kept on walking. The next time I went through, he made a random comment about my butt. We started joking about it, and then he seemed to get flustered talking about it. It was funny. Gosh, I miss when we used to do that all the time. And how can we still be able to joke and have fun when everything around us is falling apart? *queue the Twilight Zone music*

Anyway, this morning more rollercoaster. In fact, my head is still spinning. After 6+ months of my husband barely touching me, we ML, which he initiated. At first I wasnít even sure what was going on. (Boy, am I out of practice? LOL) It wasnít awkward, which I was expecting. Iím still not sure what to think about it. I donít regret doing it, and probably for the first time in my entire life, I do not have any expectations that it means anything. Who knows, this could be the last time for another 6 months. *shrug*

When H was leaving for work, he came and gave me a hug and a deep kiss and told me he loved me. (I did not say it first!) He also thanked me again for his V-day gifts and said he really appreciated it. I guess this was because I won't see him again until Monday.

I think Iíll be a little more relaxed with H gone for the next few days. Hopefully anyway. Iím so ready to get out of town, and have some fun. And although Iíll only be about 25 minutes from where OW lives, I will NOT go to her house with toilet paper in handÖas bad as I want to. Man, if my friends knew this, theyíd be loading up the car as we speak. LOL
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/15/12 04:50 PM

[quote=RoRoinMD]Wow, lots of good feedback.

25- As I said before, it's not about the fear of losing. I've had far greater losses than this in my life. I've always been a survivor, and I know either way I'll be fine. The old me would have moved on LONG ago. (P.S. - You keep asking me this. I've answered it a few times. No offense, but I'd like to move on.) Yes, we've had issues, but there were some really great times in between those. Maybe soon I'll know what my line in the sand is. Right now, honestly I'm just not sure.

Don't take it personally. I post to a LOT of people here and am not always sure I have asked or gotten an answer to it.
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/15/12 04:52 PM

I know you ask lots of people here that question. LOL

I'm just not a person who likes to keep answering the same question over and over again. LOL

I really do appreciate your comments and feedback. You have definitely given me things to think about.
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/15/12 06:45 PM

One more thing...I'd really like to be able to eat a whole meal again soon. Any idea when that will happen?

If I lose weight any faster than now and my family will think I'm on drugs. I'm down about 25lbs since Jan. 3rd.
Posted By: BFloat

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/16/12 12:54 AM

you shall eat again! don't you worry wink
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/16/12 01:02 AM

So H called while I was at work and told me he got off early and was headed to his friend's house in NC. I tried to end the call early, but he wanted to chat, and asked how my day was going. I did end the call first though!

He called again midway his trip to "check-in" again. Said he was making great time. I told him at that rate he'd get there before 8. The trip is only about 4 hours with good traffic. He just called and said he had arrived. This would mean he's actually going to Vegas with his friend and not OW. But something is telling me not to trust this. He could have just called me early before he got to the OW's house. I didn't ask him any questions. Just mostly talked about the drive down.

I know I shouldn't even be thinking about this. But I am...

Just wanted to get my thoughts out.
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/16/12 06:19 AM

ouch


((( )))
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/16/12 04:20 PM

JournalingÖ

MANTRA FOR THE WEEKEND: I CANNOT control what H does. I can only control me. (Repeat as necessary)

Well H and I texted back and forth for a few minutes last night (initiated by him). He told me that his bf was just throwing clothes into a bag, and said what he didnít have he would buy when he got to Vegas. (This is where bf and I agree. LOL) So we had some laughs about that. He then called me to say goodnight and said heíd call me before they boarded the plane today. And he did. And the time corresponded to the itinerary he gave me. (Yes, I checked. I couldnít help it!) Said he would call me once he landed in Vegas.

Iím still skeptical though. And Iím not sure why. I used to be the kind of person that never trusted anybody. And then H came along, and while it took a while, I began to trust him completely. And then he started doing stupid stuff, and here I am. That makes me sad. And reminds me of my mother. I donít want to go back to being the bitter, leery of all men kind of person I was. I really do love my husband, and I need to figure out if and how trust will be there again if we do R.

Iím really looking forward to my weekend. Going to see New Edition (the group that Bobby Brown is a part of) on Friday. My sister, my friend April, and I have been groupies since we were kids. H helped me arrange to have t-shirts made by one of his friends.

Iím looking forward to getting lots of sleep on Saturday, then head back home on Sunday. H is flying back late Sunday, but isnít supposed to be home until Monday (OWís birthday. GRRR)

REPEATING MANTRA
Posted By: mimivac

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/16/12 05:19 PM

Originally Posted By: RoRoinMD
MANTRA FOR THE WEEKEND: I CANNOT control what H does. I can only control me. (Repeat as necessary)
. . .
I’m still skeptical though. And I’m not sure why. I used to be the kind of person that never trusted anybody. And then H came along, and while it took a while, I began to trust him completely. And then he started doing stupid stuff, and here I am. That makes me sad. And reminds me of my mother. I don’t want to go back to being the bitter, leery of all men kind of person I was. I really do love my husband, and I need to figure out if and how trust will be there again if we do R.


This is hard. Figuring out how to trust is a major step to R and I think you are right to think about it. It seems to be something you would take up in earnest once you are firmly in the piecing stage. I feel that you and I are at the same kind of "wait and see" step right now. In the meantime, by all means continue your GAL efforts and keep repeating your mantra. Nothing good will come of obsessing over OW right now. I am also working hard to NOT attempt to interpret every single thing that my H says or does. it is what it is, we are moving in a positive direction and I will just have to be patient and work on myself as much as possible. Have a wonderful weekend.

Mimi
Posted By: Brian in Hville

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/16/12 05:32 PM

Thinking of you Ro!!
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/16/12 05:40 PM

Mimi - One day at a time. That's all I've got right now. I interpret by nature, so changing that is really hard for me. But I am working on it. Patience isn't one of my fine characteristics either, so this whole process is making me look at life completely different.

Thanks Brian!
Posted By: BFloat

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/16/12 06:28 PM

my mantra is similar to yours!

"i can only change myself. i can only control my choices"

some days it's much easier to believe than others! you're right.. one day at a time
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/16/12 07:32 PM

H's plane was supposed to get in at 11:45. He has not called to let me know he landed like he said he would.

"I cannot control what H does. I can only control me."

But...HOW RUDE!
Posted By: Brian in Hville

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/16/12 07:54 PM

Remember the show Full House...the Olsen twins character....She used to say "How Wuud!"

I pictured you saying it like that. From this point out, don't stare at your phone for a text or call from H. It's not going to change one thing about you if he does or doesn't. Tell us what YOUR plans are for the weekend? Give us some details!!

Brian
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/16/12 08:06 PM

Originally Posted By: Brian in Hville
Remember the show Full House...the Olsen twins character....She used to say "How Wuud!"

I pictured you saying it like that. From this point out, don't stare at your phone for a text or call from H. It's not going to change one thing about you if he does or doesn't. Tell us what YOUR plans are for the weekend? Give us some details!!

Brian


Brian, that's where I got it from! LOL

Tonight, packing for my trip and getting to bed at a decent hour. Tomorrow I'm headed out early; should be in Gboro by 11am or 12 noon. Take a nap. LOL Get up and get ready for the concert. Saturday, I'm planning to lounge and nap literally all day. (I will refrain from toilet papering OW's house. LOL) Sunday, I'm coming home.
Posted By: Brian in Hville

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/16/12 08:30 PM

Don't TP her house...she doesn't deserve fresh toilet paper! (Did I just say that?)
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/16/12 08:34 PM

One of my friends just told me to climb down off of the ledge. There's a time difference from here to Vegas. LOL

So 11:45 am was probably not our time, but Vegas time. So in reality its only 12:30 something there.

Okay, people...DETACH, DETACH, DETACH. I hate that I'm like this.
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/17/12 03:51 AM

Talked to H around 6pm (3pm Vegas time). Apparently his phone went dead on the plane. For 3 hours?! But I didn't say anything snide...even if I wanted to. I told him I appreciated him letting me know he got there safely and tried to get off the phone. But, he wanted to hear how my day was. I asked if his other friend from FL made it in. He said he did and that their other wishy washy friend is supposed to show up tomorrow, but they don't think he's coming. We laughed about that, chatted for a few more minutes and he said he'd send me some pics of anything he thought I would want to see and he'd call me later.

During the call, I said I needed to plan a trip for me to Vegas since I had never been. He paused for about 5 seconds, and kinda stuttered yes, you do. It was funny. I bet he was thinking she just said her and not WE. LOL

I am getting VERY excited about my trip to NC! I SO need this break! I haven't even packed yet!
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/17/12 09:14 PM

I am sitting in Panera Bread in sunny Greensboro. It's beautiful here today! And I have a smile on my face! Plus, I almost ate a whole meal, plus half a chocolate chip cookie! Go me!

The calls and texts between H and I have been mostly initiated by him. I only called once last night because he was supposed to call me, but I figured the later it got, that he had forgotten about the time difference. He actually thanked me for calling to remind him! LOL (Seriously though, I'm trying really hard to let him call me. Its worked so far!)

He texted me this morning to say have a safe trip and I love you. This is seriously different from a few weeks ago when he went out town for a funeral. Not sure what's going on, and trying, REALLY TRYING, not to read anything into it.

I am trying to brace myself mentally for the chance he comes back and says he's moving out. (His original thought was by the beginning of March) I know its still a possibility, and being that I was encouraged NOT to ask him about it, I'm planning for it just in case.

You know, a 6-hour drive gives you lots of time to think. I realized this morning that even with being in this situation, I am a much happier person than I was before, when I was trying to change to be what I thought my husband wanted me to be. Now that I'm doing it for me (mostly anyway), I don't complain about stuff as much; little things that happen at work don't spin me up as much; and I overall am a more patient person than I ever was (not much more, but there has been some progress LOL).

I don't know whether it's the sunshine or what, but I will take this feeling today!
Posted By: Brian in Hville

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/17/12 09:21 PM

Good for you Ro! Enjoy the day and your weekend. Eat the other half of that cookie for me! wink
Posted By: nhmom

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/17/12 10:07 PM

Enjoy your little getaway!
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/18/12 08:18 PM

Journaling...

The concert last night was great! But I did find myself missing H. We both love music so much, so when the group sang one of our favorite songs, I almost lost it. I pulled myself together, but I did end up sending H a text with some concert video saying "I probably shouldn't say this, but I miss you." He responded "I miss you too. :-)"

He called me at 3am this morning saying he intended to call me earlier given the time difference. We chatted for a few minutes and he told me I had to come out there. He was a little on the drunk side, so I doubt he will even remember the conversation. But he did say I love you first before he got off the phone.

I did clue my sister in that H and I were not doing great. She loves H and considers him her brother. I didn't get into the details, just told her that I thought H was going through some kind of life crisis. I told her that I didn't know what was going to happen with us. (I told you guys before that I found out some things about H that makes me think he needs to be in counseling...serious counseling. No details, but just know I'm not in any danger.

It felt good to finally clue her in. My twin is the closest person to me outside of H. Since I didn't give her many details, she of course said I had issues too. I said I knew that, and was hoping both H and I could work this out.

In kind of a blah mode today. Watching Whitney Houston's homegoing service. Feeling that life is too short not to do all you can to be happy. Gonna get some rest. I have to leave early tomorrow to try to beat the snow that's coming to DC.
Posted By: Womanontheverge

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/18/12 09:24 PM

RoRo,

I understand. I want to reach out to my husband so bad. It is still hard to believe that our marriage could be thrown away so haphazardly.

I was watching the Whitney Houston funeral also and it just made realize again how short life is. It makes me feel like how much more easier it would be to just stay together and get closer to God and have him work in our marriage. It's not that hard to do.
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/19/12 03:06 AM

I was reading Crimson's thread, and Sandi posted a really interesting post about expecting 100% from your WAS once a R is possible. She said she had to take baby steps like ending her EA and not contacting him again.

I asked her if she did this on her own or if H asked her to. I'm still going back and forth on what to do about the OW. Do I ask him to end it or wait it out to see what happens? (Not sure where OW and H still stand, but I know he still talks to her everyday).
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/19/12 03:08 AM

Wotv - I had to stop watching the coverage. It just made me think about my sitch and get sad all over again.
Posted By: purgatory

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/19/12 03:42 AM

I would keep your mouth shut for right now about the OW. The few times I mentioned mine in the beginning, H went into defense mode of her... that made my feelings about her even worse!! 25 gave me the best advice: She's not worth the breath that it takes to talk about her. Her actions are despicable and I shouldn't give H (or her) the satisfaction of knowing that they are on my mind.

Trust me, THIS ^^^^^ is super hard to do! Every time I hear her name from H's mouth or my kids- I can feel the adrenaline pulsing through my veins, and I actually have to bite my cheek to keep from bad mouthing her.

I hope Sandi responds (I saw you reach out to her on Crimson's thread) and she'll probably have the best advice- since she's been there. I'm interested to see what she says too.... because hopefully, I'll be in that situation too!
Posted By: purgatory

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/19/12 03:42 AM

oh, forgot to mention: 31 responded on my thread with the scriptures that you asked about smile
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/19/12 04:13 AM

Purg - Thanks! Saw the scriptures. I'll start using them tomorrow over H's pillow since he's not back until Monday.

Keeping my mouth shut is probably going to kill me. LOL Hopefully the dr. will be able to give me something for my anxiety on Monday. Right now, I'm okay on the outside, and probably on my way to the psych ward on the inside. LOL

I was able to talk to a friend who is separated from her H today. Her H is the WAS. She is in shock over what is going on. She encouraged me to at least consult with a L, because of how much more money I make than H (she's in the same boat). I might do that soon. Just to see where I stand. It was good to get the story out and talk to someone who knows what I'm going through.
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/19/12 07:48 PM

So...guess who got deathly ill on the last night of the trip? H sent me a text message late last night that he was achy and had a sore throat. I responded this morning that I was sorry he got sick and couldn't really enjoy his last night. He send me a message back saying he was SO sick, he could barely swallow, and his voice was basically gone. Told him to get some meds and try to get some sleep on the plane. He also sent me a bunch of texts about celebrity sightings.

The old Ro would have immediately said something sarcastic like see what happens when you overdo it? But I didn't, just expressed concern.

He's been under the weather since right before the 1st bomb. I think the stress is getting to both of us. *sigh*
Posted By: purgatory

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/19/12 08:06 PM

Good for you for not doing the "I told you so" routine... even though it was probably warranted! So sad his last day was ruined (can you hear the sarcasm??)

Mmmmmmm, call it karma or divine intervention.... sounds like he's getting a rude reminder of what happens when you lie to your W smile
Posted By: sandi2

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/20/12 12:07 AM

Hi RoRoinMD,

You asked me a question on Crimson's thread.

Quote:
Did your H ask you to give up OM or did you do it on your own?


He discovered my EA with OM over the Internet and confronted me. My H did not ask me to give up the OM. He "expected" me to stop all contacts with OM and told me if he found any more messages, he would throw the computer out the back door.

I learned how to be more sneaky with the EA so that my H would not read anything on the computer. I believe the term is taking the A "underground".

I finally made the decision to end the EA and not contact OM any more. I'm not sure I would have had the strength to do it if I had not found this board and the great support I received. May sound strange that a WAW had support on the board, but I was given information that helped save my M.

It was the most difficult time in my life. I grieved the loss of the OM & the A. It really is like being in mourning. I had a lot of depression that hung on forever. I suffered loneliness. I felt no hope for my M, and I had zero desire for my H. I didn't even want to breathe the same air with him. Staying under the same roof was like torture. I had no energy, no interest, and felt numb.

The best I could do right then...was to be willing "to be willing". Yes, you read that right. I had to first be willing just to get to the step of being willing. That's how low I was. I was not mentally, emotionally, spiritually, or physically able to commit to putting ANY effort toward saving my M. But my H wanted me to put 100% effort. tired

All I could do at that time, was to just "be there". Making the decision to stay left me feeling completely drained. (I'm not saying every WAS does that.....but that's how I felt.)

This is what I hope you'll get most of all: I made a decision based on what I knew was the right thing to do, not on what I felt in my heart. Just b/c it is the right decision does not mean the right feelings fall into place. I had to continue day in and day out doing what was right instead of what I wanted.
Posted By: 2thepoint

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/20/12 12:18 AM

"This is what I hope you'll get most of all: I made a decision based on what I knew was the right thing to do, not on what I felt in my heart. Just b/c it is the right decision does not mean the right feelings fall into place. I had to continue day in and day out doing what was right instead of what I wanted."

So do you love your H now or are you only back together because it is the right thing to do? Assuming you love your H, what occurred to change your feelings beyond doing the right things? Did you and your H eventually seek counseling, or some other type of therapy?

Don't mean to be provocative, just interested.
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/20/12 12:27 AM

Originally Posted By: 2thepoint
"This is what I hope you'll get most of all: I made a decision based on what I knew was the right thing to do, not on what I felt in my heart. Just b/c it is the right decision does not mean the right feelings fall into place. I had to continue day in and day out doing what was right instead of what I wanted."

So do you love your H now or are you only back together because it is the right thing to do? Assuming you love your H, what occurred to change your feelings beyond doing the right things? Did you and your H eventually seek counseling, or some other type of therapy?

Don't mean to be provocative, just interested.


2thepoint beat me to the questions I want to ask. I am wondering what changed for you to even be willing to try?
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/20/12 12:31 AM

Everyone has said not to confront, but I think I at least need to let H know somehow that I am not condoning his A in no uncertain terms. We talked about it and I told him I wasn't giving up on us, but I never said clearly I want you to stop it - NOW!
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/20/12 03:25 AM

Well, well, well...

I just had an interesting and probably very anti-DBing convo with H.

Preface: OW posted a picture on Twitter of one of the celebs H saw so I figured out she was in Vegas.

Sent him a text checking if he was back or not. His flight was supposed to get in a hour ago and I know the weather is bad in NC. He calls me and tells me their luggage is on another flight so that's holding them up.

I tell him I have something to ask him. I don't want him to get mad, just be honest. I ask simply if his mistress was in Vegas. He pauses and says yes, she showed up. I asked why he lied when I asked him before? He said slowly that he didn't lie...the trip was just for him and his friends. I say I know you were originally supposed to go with her. He repeats what I said as a question. I say I found this out when I found out about the A. He says again it was a boys trip. I ask if he saw her. He says Saturday for a little while; that he didn't get to hang with her that much. He sounded remorseful so I asked him if he wanted to. He said really he was having too much fun with the fellas. He sticks to the story that she was not supposed to be there.

Apparently she came with some of her girls. He said their flights got messed up so their trip kind of sucked. (WELL BOO HOO! *sarcasm*)

I tell him that I know she exists and I do not condone what he is doing. He mumbled something to himself. I told him what I really want to do is beat her to a pulp, but I won't. He says softly, I know you do. I told him I still haven't given up on us. He says I know.

I managed to change the subject at that point. Asked him how he was feeling - not great. Told him it sucked that he got sick. Stroked his feelings a little bit. ( H turns into a big baby when he's sick)

Convo ended with him saying he would call me before he went to bed, and I love you.

I actually feel good about the conversation, even if it was anti-DB. I was not feeling that H got that I wasn't condoning his A when I said I wasn't giving up on us. I was feeling he thought he got to do whatever he wanted and I was ok with that. Now he knows I'm not.

Not sure what is going on with H and OW. All of the reservation stuff I saw was made and paid for by her. He seemed surprised that I thought he was going with her. Now I know not to believe anything he says. But I do know for a fact he only texted her once while he was there (yes, I checked). But the fact that he hardly saw her at all (he could be lying here I know) is very telling to me. Considering they are "in love".

Anyway, I just wanted to get this out. I tried to channel Zen Purg, and I think it worked. Normally I would have been yelling and fussing, and cussing. None of that happened. I think me being calm is really freaking him out. But I honestly like the new calm me. Its so much easier not to sweat the small stuff than blowing a gasket.

I don't think this will change my sitch any. I just feel better at how I was able to handle the conversation.
Posted By: purgatory

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/20/12 04:31 AM

Glad my Zen Purg has reached you!!! I too like this calmer version- things tend to get resolved faster.

As fat as your convo- you still used your 180 of remaining calm- so it wasn't a complete DB loss smile I'd be hesitant to say that this was a complete success- b/c he may process and come back at you on a later date.... But for tonight: if you feel better about getting that in the open and how you handled it... Than its a success!
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/20/12 04:39 AM

I am not calling this a completely successful conversation - not by a LONG shot. I know it was risky and may have even pushed him closer to OW.

But by having the convo, and getting it off my chest, I feel better. I can hold on for yet another day.
Posted By: BFloat

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/20/12 06:08 AM

Wow. I so want to confront my H about the poss OW but I am too afraid to find out anything else. Just can't deal w/ any more bad news!

Crossing my fingers that everything goes well for you. I certainly couldn't have been calm so I admire that you were!
Posted By: sandi2

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/20/12 10:00 AM

Quote:
So do you love your H now or are you only back together because it is the right thing to do? Assuming you love your H, what occurred to change your feelings beyond doing the right things? Did you and your H eventually seek counseling, or some other type of therapy?


I can truthfully say that I love my H very much! But it took time for me to get through my stuff, and he needed to heal from the hurt I caused him. This was done without any counseling or therapy. It was very slow paced. But we got there! If anything happened to him, I would be completely devastated.

I wanted us to go to MC but he was dead set against it. So I used this board as my therapy. I was here day & night.

Quote:
what occurred to change your feelings beyond doing the right things?


There wasn't anything that occurred. But when one is doing what is right, and working to get the bad stuff out of your heart and replace with the love you once had.....I think it will come. It did for me. You see, I'm the type that I need people to talk straight to me. And, at the time, I had those wise people here on the board and they gave me that tough love.

I'm sure my H would have loved for something to occur that would have snapped me back to the way I used to be, but I don't know if it happens in real life that way. Makes for good movies. smile

If we had had some good therapy, I believe progress would have been made faster. However, we didn't have that, so it took a long time for me. But, we made it! And I'm with my H today b/c I want to be with him.

That's why I still hang around the board, b/c I know there's hope in saving a M if one of the partners won't give up. My H did not have DB tools, but he didn't give up hope and he hung in here while I worked through my stuff.
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/20/12 09:54 PM

Journaling....

Talked to H before my doctor's appt this morning. He talked some about Vegas and how fun it was . He's still sick. He asked why I was at the dr. I told him just a check-up for something (which was true. He doesn't need to know about my anxiety.) He said he was leaving at 12noon or 1pm and he'd call me when he was on the road.

I sent him a text thanking him for making me smile because I was nervous about the appt. He asked why I was nervous? I told him my aunt had the same issue and ended up having something similiar to chemo. He told me that we were not going to claim that; that I was covered by God and would be fine. I told him I know, and thanks for reminding me. In between this he sent me a text saying "I miss you :-(" (This is a convo I would have had with the old H. Not this alien life form I'm living with now)

So, I got a prescription for Xanax from my dr. It's the lowest dosage and I've taken one. My anxiety is now at about 87 instead of 100. Thank God!

So its 3pm and I have not heard from H. I call, no answer. (I know no calls, but I couldn't resist) He sends me a text like 15 mins later telling me he just woke up and asking me how everything went. ZenMother went out the window.

I ask why he's texting me back when I called him? I say I won't know the results for a while and that I was just checking in since he said he was leaving at 12 or 1 and I had not heard from him. I also thanked for asking about the appt. Then I asked if he was leaving now or later? No answer. Guess he didn't like my text.

It irritated me that he couldn't call me back. Makes me suspicious that he's actually at OW's because today is her b-day. I'm SO pissed that I even care. Why can't I detach? I really need to find an outlet for my anger before he gets here. Otherwise, it'll be WWIII. WOOSAH!

On another note, my Pastor just called. I hadn't talked to her since the 1st bomb, so I had to catch her up. She couldn't believe it. And of course she tells me that he needs to make a decision on what he is going to do, and I need to be the one to ask him since he's not talking about it. I told her I knew that had to happen and it would at some point. Apparently, she called and left him a message to call her. I told her he probably wouldn't.

I didn't tell her about DB. She is old school Pentacostal and WOULD NOT have understood. We need some kind of Christian DBing conference to get the word out. I'm going to get tired of explaining this to church folk! LOL
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/20/12 10:06 PM

H called while I was typing my last post. He said he had called me twice and it went to VM. (Sounded irritated...the nerve!) I told him I was on the phone but didn't hear call waiting. Said he mistakenly took some Nightime meds that his friend had so he had to take a nap before getting on the road. Thanked me for checking on him. With the way he sounds, I'll be playing nursemaid like he did last week. This was/is one of his issues as well. That I don't necessarily act concerned or loving when he's sick. (I come from a family where you can get sick, but you better keep it moving! So this was a hard thing for me to do.) This will be my chance to do a 180 and channel Donna Reed.

Think I'm going to go do a workout. Should go to kickboxing, but I'm still not sure how this Xanax is gonna do in my system.
Posted By: purgatory

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/20/12 10:27 PM

Glad you got some meds, I hope they work for you! Give yourself at least 3 months before you notice long-term results. It's good that you noticed some immediate effects.

Don't beat yourself up too much about calling/texting him- only you can decide if it was too pursuing. My only suggestion would be to be more conscience of this in the future and try to avoid reaching out to him. Remember: He can't reach out to you if you're already there next to him smile

FWIW, I don't think it was a coincidence that your pastor called during that moment. I relate to your frustrations with trying to explain DB efforts to people- especially religious leaders.... although I don't think DB goes against religion or faith in anyway, but the fact that it's kind of a "new way" of thinking, it's hard for people to wrap their brain around. I had a good response from my family 'pastor' (my really close family friend), he became intrigued and said he was going to read the books- b/c he does a lot of couples and pre-martial counseling.

Prepare to be Mother Theresa when he comes home sick... it would be really funny if you met him at the door in a nurses outfit (maybe one of the 'naughty' ones from halloween time) to let him know that you are fully prepared to be his caretaker! In all seriousness, it's good that you recognize this opportunity to practice a 180... maybe God allowed him to become ill so that you *would* have this opportunity, just a thought.

Kickboxing, yes! Go to the gun range, yes! Chopping wood, yes! All of these things would be great to release that anger.... in fact, I think I have some wood in my backyard- see ya!
Posted By: labug

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/20/12 11:09 PM

Xanax won't need 3 months to work.
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/20/12 11:15 PM

Thanks Purg. Wish I had a nurse outfit here. Something to invest in just in case.

Labug, I think that's why she gave it to me. Seriously, at least my heart isn't feeling like it is going to jump out of my chest.
Posted By: purgatory

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/20/12 11:16 PM

good to know that it won't take 3 months! I've never taken that one before, so my advice was based on the other one's I've taken smile
Posted By: labug

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/20/12 11:20 PM

Different class of drug.
Posted By: Rick1963

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/20/12 11:26 PM

Roro be careful with the Xanax. It is a very good drug for anxieties but it is highly addictive unlike ADs. Make sure u follow the doctors advice. Usually people take them as needed.
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/21/12 02:06 AM

Rick - My dr. explained that too me very carefully and she didn't give me a refill. I'm hoping not to need them soon. Thanks for the heads up.
Posted By: BFloat

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/21/12 02:39 AM

Real life nurses.. So unsexy. Lol. Especially w/ white nursing shoes. Wouldn't you agree labug? Throw in some latex gloves and a couple of suppositories.. End that fantasy right away!
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/21/12 02:44 AM

Originally Posted By: barely floating
Real life nurses.. So unsexy. Lol. Especially w/ white nursing shoes. Wouldn't you agree labug? Throw in some latex gloves and a couple of suppositories.. End that fantasy right away!


BF - This cracked me up! LOL H should be walking in the door any minute. Channeling the Zen Mother. Say a quick prayer for me!
Posted By: Rick1963

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/21/12 03:02 AM

The nurse thing reminds of MASH. Hot lips cones to mind. Great show. You will be fine
Posted By: RoRoinMD

Re: Husband wants out & has one foot out the door - P2 - 02/21/12 03:32 AM

H is home and in bad shape. Nurse Ronnie in full effect.

I went grocery shopping earlier and got some things I know he'll need (and some stuff he'll just want). He seemed like he was in awe. Just stood with the fridge door open shaking his head. It was kind of strange.

But...I'm not feeling any warm and fuzzies. He seems distant all over again. I swear I can't keep starting over everytime he sees OW. Its draining. I was "kinda" hoping that all of the I miss you messages were true. Back to no expectations.
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