Retrouvaille question - DivorceBusting.com

My husband and I are planning to go to Retrouvaille on Feb 10. I knew he would be reluctant to go, but he agreed and answered the interview questions when he was called. I just found an email between him and ow (I didn't even know there was an OW). He is telling her that this is the last hoop he is going to jump through for me. He doesnt' know that I know and I'm not going to tell him. I'm planning to continue my db activities. My question is, should we still go or will this be a complete waste of time and money?

Some background. I am a longtime lurker. We have been married 29 years and have had problems for the past 7 years. I think he has been in MLC, all the signs are there. He moved out in Sept 2011, (he is living with his mother) but still calls every day and comes for dinner periodically and then will spend the night. As far as I know, he hasn't contacted a lawyer and our finances are still together. Very confusing behavior, but I know this is to be expected in this situation. I've gotten very good at zipping my lips and not pursuing. I think the relationship with OW has just started, maybe 2-3 weeks. He is already in Love with her and she is his soulmate that he has been searching for all his life. yada yada. Any thoughts are greatly appreciated.

What were some of the problems you had before? How long has he been seeing the OW? We need more info so we can help.

From what I understand, Retrouvaille doesn't work when there's another person involved. In fact, I think that's one of the first things they ask if there is someone else.

Hang in there.

What Bond said is important, of course.

You might want to contact the facilitators for your session and let them know you believe there might be an OP and see what they say about that.

IMHO, it WILL be a waste of time and money if your H is going in with the attitude that he's just jumping through a hoop for you.

Not saying that he has to be all "yay, this will fix our M" and all that. Just saying that if his mind is closed, his actions will follow...

Flowers,

I would keep my mouth shut for a few more days and go to Retrouvaille. He may go and give it lip service, and he may open his mind and his heart and have a big change there. But if you don't go, you'll never know.

He has agreed to go, and he has talked to the volunteer on the phone. That means that he has said that there is not OP and that he will go with an open mind and a willing heart. So take him at his word.

When we went to Retrouvaille my husband told OW that he was going to do the weekend with me, and then he would divorce me. Well,.....things changed at Retrouvaille. No one goes in there thinking that things will change. And they don't necessarily change for everyone. But for a lot of people, things change. So go with an open mind and a willing heart.....and maybe a favorite pen that you like to write with.

I'm glad you chimed in, Lotus. Of course there IS a chance it could work. flowers.

My response was my own bias that the time and money would be wasted.

Thank you for the responses. I have decided to go. We have already requested vacation time and paid the deposit. I'm continuing to be upbeat and positive with him. He has only been seeing the OW for about 2 weeks. They have only seen each other in person twice. She has tried to talk him out of going but he told her he wanted to be able to tell the kids he tried everything. I left the room arrangements up to him and he requested a single room which surprised me. I'm sure he didn't tell the ow that part.

I am leaving the results up to God. I am sure I will learn something from it whether the marriage is saved or not. I will continue to db because it has helped me so much.

Originally Posted By: MrBond

What were some of the problems you had before? How long has he been seeing the OW? We need more info so we can help.

From what I understand, Retrouvaille doesn't work when there's another person involved. In fact, I think that's one of the first things they ask if there is someone else.

Hang in there.

well it's a question they do ask in the pre attendance interview (phone).

Surely some have lied. But it still improves r's...I can't see how it would hurt.

At first we found it Retrovaille to be a good all round experience, with some particularly moving moments with the couples who "led" us with their stories.

Their problems and the fact that THEY worked them out, was pretty inspiring. Trust me when I say that THEIR issues, are tough ones that made ours pale in comparison (e.g., the death of a child WHILE a spouse had an affair, was one sitch we heard about. Seeing THAT couple forgive and progress --was amazing).

Then on the last day, my h and I had a significant breakthrough I did not expect. Truly very moving and something I needed in a way I didn't even know.

So I think any couple who goes and has one ear open, will benefit. Your h is conflicted enough about OW to go, and her controlling nature is showing.

She has a lot of nerve/selfishness to object...good grief. But just that, already, has been revealed by Retrovaille...interesting...

Good luck!!!

Remember that your h must believe marriage to you can be better/different and

that the affair won't be held over his head for life

or thrown in his face whenever you get angry. You will have to let it go at some point.

That's a big challenge, but it's mandatory for reconciliation...be sure it's what you want.

((( )))

Flowers

So you've been a "lurker". That's fine! But Have you read the Div Busting or Div Remedy books? They are KEY to success here, among other things.

So, assuming you have read them, what DBing techniques have you employed? What are you DOING to change the dynamic in your m?

What are your GAL and 180s? We need to know this so we can better help.

And you can't just sit and wait and hope and call that "trying" in the m.

Not saying you are, but it bothers me that the reason you are now posting

SEEMS to be the OW.

Any truth to that? What efforts or "hoops" would your h SAY he has done?

What would your h SAY are the problems in the m?

And 7 years is a lot of your m, to chalk up to MLC.

Is it possible it's a behavioral pattern of his that is now culminating in a planned exit?

I don't know how important the label of MLC or WAH is, b/c your course of action (GAL and 180s and detachment) is the same regardless.

But Why was the arrangement enough for you for so long?

I know these are hard questions but you are going to have to answer them for yourself sometime...

we're here for you.

Good luck

I WISH my H would consider Retrouvaille. But with the OW in the picture, I doubt he will. He refuses MC. It seems like a fantastic thing to do though.

Flowers, I wish you the best.

Flowers, I will be praying for you! Lotus helped me also a lot in encouraging me to push through with our Retrouvaille. It turned our M around.

Mr. Bond, I have seen many posters saying that there should be no OP when going to Retrouvaille, but lately, I think their policy on that has changed. When we went, my H also still was in contact with OW.

What the Rretouvaille coordinator explained was that if there was an OP, the person involved should not contact the OP during the during the time that Retrouvaille was going on, and should have an open heart and mind.

I would imagine that many of the M's there are dealing with infidelity, past orpresent, and honestly, the OP is only a symptom of the M's problems in many cases.

My H also initially agreed to go more because I asked him to. I also did not pressure him or anything, after he initially agreed, but much to my surprise he was the one who brought it up as time drew near. You can look into my threads in MLC and in piecing (yes, we are piecing now and H no longer is in touch with OW, he stopped talking to her 1 month after we finished the weekend, and we also went to almost all the posts!) Just like you, I left it to God, and He did the work.....

Take care and God Bless!

And about what 25 said -

"Remember that your h must believe marriage to you can be better/different and that the affair won't be held over his head for life or thrown in his face whenever you get angry. You will have to let it go at some point.

That's a big challenge, but it's mandatory for reconciliation...be sure it's what you want."

Thats one of the things you will learn at Retrouvailled anyway, how to put the past behind you. 25 had posted a lot to me about that too, even before I went to Retro, and boy, did it help me a lot! Its one of the reasons my H told me (during retro) that he realized I was there for him, and that I was on the path of forgiveness. Honestly, its hard, and once in a while I do remember the A and get all hurt and angry, but if you want your M back, you have to learn how to do so. I think you do, and I think you get the DB'ing!

25, no matter how much you know that an OP is just a symptom of M problems, it is still the one thing a spouse can do that will give so much hurt and pain!

And oh, by the way, its not something you ask or verbalize about to your H (asking him if he believes M to you can be different, that you are not going to hold the A over his head) but you have to show it by your actions....