Wife Has Finally Decided to Walk Away

Figure this is a good place to get my story out there and look for more support

Welcome Greg. Feel free to share whatever, whenever you like.

What's up Greg...things not looking good on the horizon? What's the scoop?

Welcome to a place of sharing and virtual friendship! Just let us know how we can help.

Hope you're doing all right. Cheers.

I had posted all my background story on another thread here but it does not seem to be getting updated.

Try this again. Wife has told me she feels nothing towards me. Doesn't love me or hate me. We were married and one year later our son was born on our anniversary. Her father passed away later that year and less than nine months later her younger brother passed away. She was very close to both her father and brother. Our daughter was conceived the week her brother died so nine months later she was born. She has been diagnosed with Lupus and had a serious leg injury January of 2011. Through all of this I have been there and tried my best to be there for her. The physical part of our relationship started to dwindle which made me bitter and I started to shut down emotionally. We went to a therapist this past November/December but she basically told the therapist that nothing has changed and she wants out. Her support group is a single mom who has never been married and two friends who are divorced. I'm trying the LRT while we are still living in the house together which is good and bad. She has told everyone what a change I have made with my children but she has no emotion when she tells them that. I'm on a dialy rollercoaster ride of emotions and keep putting my children first but she stays out until very late hours of the morning and our children wonder where she is. I know that for the past four years she has been in contact with an old boyfriend and some other guys but I don't think anything physical has taken place but that does not change the way this has made me feel. This is just killing me right now. I know if she would lower that emotional wall I could be what she has always wanted but she has set her mind on the grass being greener without me.

Hi Greg - Sorry you find yourself here. So that forum members can offer words of wisdom and advice, please provide some specifics about your R with your W.

What have been some of the complaints from your W about you and what is missing in your R?

What 180's have you tried? Which ones seem to be working and which ones seem not to be working?

You mentioned the passing of your W's father and brother early in your marriage but what of it? Do you think these traumatic events are a factor in your sitch?

What are you doing to Get A Life away from the daily reminders of your marital problems?

If you could share some of this information it will be much easier for members to provide guidance.

Also, if you could break apart your comments in smaller sections it makes it easier to follow.

Hang in there, You will get support!

Sure thing. I believe my wife feels that she has been a single mom at times because of my long work hours. I coach a lot of teams and this leads me to be gone at night as well as during the regular work day.

I didn't know what to do during the deaths so i just gave her space to do her thing but I was present and available for her if she needed me.

I do believe the deaths and her Lupus and leg injury have colored her world a bit gray when it comes to our R. She tells me she worked on our marriage for three years but all I saw was her focusing on the kids, work and going back to school to get her Masters degree which has led her to working on her doctoral degree currently.

My 180 as of recently has been to spend as much time with the kids as possible as there are times in the year that it just isn't possible due to my coaching.

GAL since she dropped the news on me has been with my kids as well as getting back into touch with some of my old friends who I have lost touch with since we were married

"I believe my wife feels that she has been a single mom at times because of my long work hours."

"She tells me she worked on our marriage for three years..."

Ok, this is just surface stuff. You are going to have to DIG DEEP to determine what you need to work on if you hope to have a chance at salvaging your M.

When your W says she has worked on the M for 3 years, what is she referring to? What are her specific complaints?

"My 180 as of recently has been to spend as much time with the kids as possible as there are times in the year that it just isn't possible due to my coaching."

Is that it? Are there other areas that might be worthy of a 180? You mention coaching responsibilities. Is that what you do for a living or is it a hobby? To what extent is your W involved in these activities? Is this an area that can be curtailed in any meaningful way?

Here's an example from my own sitch: My W complained that I did not pay attention to the kids and that I spent too much time on the computer, among other things.

So, my immediate 180's included spending significantly more time with the kids (help with homework, play games with them, more involved in the discipline, etc.), significant cut back on computer time and became more respectful and attentive towards my W. These are just a few examples. But there are many more areas where a 180 is warranted in my R with my W. And I'm sure the same is true in your R.

A word of caution, you will hear on this forum that the smallest most consistent 180's are the ones that will get noticed. Also, don't do a 180 simply to get a reaction from your W. She'll see it as a tactic and won't believe it is going to last. So choose wisely and make sure that it is something that you can stick with.

Have you read the Divorce Remedy or Divorce Busters? If not, please do so ASAP. Another book I highly recommend is The 5 Love Languages. This book details how everyone has a dominant love language and they often speak their own love language to their S when they really should be speaking their S's love language.

Anyway, you got a long journey ahead of you. You will be challenged on this forum to think and grow and dig deep to really understand who you are, the role you played in the demise of your M and what you need to focus on if you hope to have a chance at reconciliation.

So, dig deep and keep posting.

I had to work the weekend of her brothers funeral and was out of town. She went out with friends and met up with her old HS boyfriend. I know all of this because I stumbled upon a diary she started around this time and I made the mistake of reading it. She stated something about how quickly the feelings from HS came back with exboyfriend. I said nothing about this and let it festr for three+ years which lead me down a road of jealousy where I would check her cell phone, emails etc... I kept finding things that would set me off and this ate me alive for the all this time. Due to this we developed some serious trust issues which are probably at the heart of all this.

I have been spending quality time with my kids as my 180 and making sure to get up early and help get them ready for school. Come home asap to help the kids with homework etc... She has noticed and appreciated this but it has not changed her feelings towards me at all according to her.

I coach for a living so it is not something I can really cut back although I have limited some of the time required this year to focus on the family. As she has told me numerous times lately, "too little, too late".

I'm trying to stay positive and have reached out to the church and anyone that can possibly give me positive insight into this matter.

Our therapist was very good I thought but not pro-marriage from what I can tell by the way she has handled my W decision to get out now.

You'll hear a lot about detachment on this board. Detachment means to let go emotionally. Continue working on improving yourself, not as a way to get your wife's attention but to be a better person. To detach means we realize we are powerless over others and their decisions.

Not easy but necessary.

You are doing the right thing. It is wonderful that you are trying to save your marriage. Labug is right you can not control your wifes decision, but you can weed the garden daily - encouraging the flowers the bloom.

Having two kids so young and close in age is tough. Trust me I know. Plus your W is going to school, plus dealing with two huge deaths in her life. You should read "The year of Magical Thinking" by Joanne Diddon - its about the death of her husband. It may be something you want to pass on to your W after you read it.

I wouldnt read too much into her feelings for high school boyfriend. I think its normal to fantasize about that kind of stuff but it doesnt seem like she is acting on it.

Your W has still not left the house - count that as a big plus that she is giving you time. I think you should do something dramatic to show your W the new you in terms of spending time with the family. You travelled the weekend of her brothers funeral that is not cool.

Can you talk to a supervisor about your marital problems and have an assistant coach cover for you during 1 or 2 practices a week? You need to show her that she is more important than your job even if it means that you are not as good a coach as you can be. She needs to know that she & your kids come first not the team.

Look at professional coaches families - Tony Dungys son committed suicide, Andy Reids sons have drug problems. The hours and time away coaching take its toll on everyone in the family. Show them that they come first. Remember you will need to sacrifice something to give them more time.

Keep it up.

The deaths are so long ago 3 & 4 years that I know it has part in our story but she says she has grieved and is over all that. Our therapist met with me today and said that my wife is so far gone the only thing that may wake her up is getting her out of the house. She goes out with friends and comes home late (430am etc..) and our kids wake up looking for mommy. I can't deal with that any longer. Trying to be patient but she brings so much negativity into the home now I'm afraid the therapist may be right. My W has seen the changes I have made and she is impressed but still feels nothing towards me. Ughhhhh

Just sent W a text saying we need to talk about where this whole thing is going. Good or bad I need to keep my emotions in check.

"Just sent W a text saying we need to talk about where this whole thing is going."

Curious, why are you initiating a R talk?

Therapist said it was time to take action of some kind. Not sure if you read my previous post.

Went to dinner with W and had one of the most heartfelt talks we have had in years. She did inform me that she filed this past Tuesday and has the papers with her but we are going to get through the weekend and look them over on Monday. She is planning on moving out Monday so things are moving forward for us. I actually feel better tonight than I have in a long time which is probably due to the amount of communication we had tonight. We spoke more tonight without a therapist than we have in the past 3 months combined.

You need to follow your heart, not the therapist. I can't believe how many therapist out there say get a divorce instead of saying you need to give all you can. My MC did not help us at all, a matter of fact, she did more harm than good.

If you really want this marriage then fight for it. I sent our therapist a letter telling her that she did more harm than good. And that I was not giving up on our marriage as she did. I never heard from her. LOL

That is my 2cents worth.

I'm going to be fighting for it but my wife has no feelings towards me and she has made that clear. She is leaving Monday and the kids are staying with me in the house. She is taking back her old car and giving me the newer one she has been driving for over a year that is in my name and that I make payments on. Also told me nothing in the divorce papers is set in stone so she is really wanting to make this as easy as possible for us. I think by doing so she releases some of the guilt she has in being a WAW.

Good day with the kids and my mother. Now home with kids asleep and my W is out drunk with friends. She did text me to say she wouldn't be home. Her secretary at work gave her an overnight bag of condoms etc that was supposedly like a joke gift. I see more condoms in other places which keeps my mind wandering. She and I have not had sex since our anniversary in 2010. Maybe this explains the quick trigger on divorce and giving me just about anything I want as she walks away.

Good day so far listening to some Slipknot and cleaning the house to get things ready for the wife to move out on Monday. This place has needed a good cleaning for a long time. Happy New Years to everyone out there.

Went to friends party last night and had a good time which surprisingly didn't involve too much alcohol. Came home around 1am and was ready to crash so I took my sleeping pills which only knocked me out for about 6 hours. Now I'm gonna go for my first "run" in over 7 months and get attacking some of my goals for the year such as attending church at least 75% of the time and becoming a member of the church we have been attending for years. Hope everyone has a terrific 1st day of the new year. Using the LRT when wife gets back from her night out with her friends will be tough but I know tomorrow she moves out and we go over the divorce papers. I think there are going to have to be some changes made in those that might set her back a bit.

Sounds like a great plan!

Went for a run today and then headed off to church. Met my parents for breakfast then headed home to wait for the W to bring kids home. She was not there yet and when I called sounded very hungover. She eventually got up and brought the kids home about 2 hours late after she received a phone call from her mom. Grandparents and I took the kids rollerblading and then headed home to relax. Wife thinks she was drugged last night as she has been in bed all day and said she feels terrible. Have not shown much concern for her today since she got home but focused on kids and my parents. Pretty good day so far.

We dont need to teach the WAS anything, life does it for us.

Its shocking.

Enjoy a beautiful day with your kids

Took my son for a run this morning and he made it. Not bad for a six year old. Wife is dropping kids off at the sitter and then heading home to pack up. I have so much to say to her but I know it will only fall on deaf ears but I think she was taken back yesterday when I asked what the plan was for today. You start looking into everything for meaning when there probably is none. I see this as a choice of three paths we can take. 1) Together and rekindle what is missing if she were only willing to try. 2) & 3) we go our separate ways and do whats best for our kids and maybe our paths cross later on and this nightmare becomes a learning lesson as to how we both can become better people. Just some thoughts while I wait for her to come home and also go through the divorce papers today. God this happened so quickly....

Originally Posted By: labug

Continue working on improving yourself, not as a way to get your wife's attention but to be a better person. To detach means we realize we are powerless over others and their decisions.

Thank you for the definition, labug. It provides great direction.

Watching her pack her things is really hitting me hard right now. So many little issues that grew into something she feels like she can't handle anymore just really depresses me to see someone I love so much just give up and quit.

Greg, so sorry that you are going through this. FWIW, that she has given up does not mean that you must. Stay positive. Be optimistic. Work to GAL for you. Good luck, my friend.

Finished DR a while back and have been struggling to get through DB. I have set some personal goals for this year and know I'm going to be better off for all this but it's just the roller coaster of emotions that all of us LBS feel. I hope the time apart helps her to see things differently and maybe having her back on her Wellbutrin will help with any depression she is feeling.

So sorry you'r feeling so down. It is hard watching them walk away.

On a positive note since she is stuck using a walker, I get to do 180's by helping her load the car and even offered to go to the new place and unload it too. Funny how much my helping her has made her feel bad. Not my intention but she feels horrible to as me for any type of help right now. Another bright side is that with less of her stuff in the home, there will be more room and I can hopefully get over this claustrophobic feeling I get in here due to all the crap we own. Two adults, two kids and a dog in a 1700sf home filled with a ton of belongings really makes it difficult to live. We can never have friends over because the place was such a disaster area.

Took some of her stuff to her her new place she is sharing with two married friends. Things went well and then we picked up kids from sitters. Kids fell asleep on the way home and when we arrived home I told her I need to get out for a bit. When I came home the kids were still asleep so they wont see mom until tomorrow. I called her to see what we are going to tell them and she said she didn't know. I am of the opinion we tell them the truth that mommy doesn't love daddy anymore and is leaving to live somewhere else. Any thoughts on this approach? How do you tell the kids their Mom is leaving because she feels nothing for daddy?

I remember studying material that showed stress points that a person could experience in life. The things your W faced in just a couple of years were at the top of the chart as extreme stress levels. I don't know how she coped!

People grieve in different ways. How did your W get through her grief?

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Wife has told me she feels nothing towards me.

How does her emotions seem regarding the kids and other family members? What I'm asking, does her emotions seem cut off toward everyone....or is it just you?

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Through all of this I have been there and tried my best to be there for her.

Could you explain what you mean by "been there" and "to be there for her"? How did you show support for her during the death of dad & brother? What about her Lupus? Have you taken an active part in learning about this disease and what ways you can help her?

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She has told everyone what a change I have made with my children

How were you with the kids before you changed?

Let me try to figure some things up. In less than three years she got married, gave birth to two babies, (and doctors say it takes two years for a woman's body to get back to normal after giving birth), and she lost the two people she was probably the closest to while growing up. BTW, was her father or brother ill with some disease or was the death sudden and unexpected?

So help me out here.
First Year: got married..........had first baby

Second Year: father died..........brother died
Week that brother died......had sex(was that her initiating or you? Was it before the actual day he died or before? I'll follow up with my reason for asking later.)......became pregnant with second baby.

Next Year: Two babies under age 2 or 3? .....and somewhere in this time slot she starts contact with old BF?

Diagnosed with Lupus(life threatening disease).....which year? Was it the same year as serious leg injury?

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I know that for the past four years she has been in contact with an old boyfriend and some other guys

So was that about the time her brother died?

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The physical part of our relationship started to dwindle which made me bitter and I started to shut down emotionally.

When did that happen? Was it during the first three years or this past year? What reason did she give you for the sex dwindling? Was it after her brother died, or are you talking about last year?

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I know if she would lower that emotional wall I could be what she has always wanted

And what has she always wanted? If you have always known, then why weren't you?

Okay, so now you are focusing on the kids first in your life, but she's staying out late. How long have you been putting the kids first? Did that start after she gave you the bomb on 12/8? When you are working late or are out of town, does she focus on the kids pretty good?

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She goes out with friends and comes home late (430am etc..) and our kids wake up looking for mommy. I can't deal with that any longer.

Did the kids ever wake up asking for you? B/c if I understand correctly, your job has kept you from being home quite a bit. I believe you said you didn't go to the funeral when W's brother died b/c you were out of town. That's one reason I wondered if his death was very sudden. I didn't think any man would leave his W at such a time. And if you resent her for staying out late and having male friends or old BF's, you don't know what resentment is until you choose work over being there for her when grief stricken.

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I didn't know what to do during the deaths so i just gave her space to do her thing but I was present and available for her if she needed me.

No you weren't! She needed you the day she buried her brother! Did you ever tell her that you didn't know how to help her? If not, then you sure came across looking like a total jerk!

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Went to dinner with W and had one of the most heartfelt talks we have had in years

Do you mean a heartfelt talk since she's had to deal with a terminal disease while raising two small children and going to school?

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The deaths are so long ago 3 & 4 years

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She is planning on moving out Monday so things are moving forward for us. I actually feel better tonight than I have in a long time which is probably due to the amount of communication we had tonight

How is her moving out moving you forward?? Why would that make you feel better?

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On a positive note since she is stuck using a walker, I get to do 180's by helping her load the car and even offered to go to the new place and unload it too.

You surely don't mean this like it sounds! Is she having to use a walker, due to her serious leg injury or her Lupus?

Why have you not talked about how the Lupus has affected her? I would think it would affect a great deal of her life.

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I do believe the deaths and her Lupus and leg injury have colored her world a bit gray when it comes to our R. She tells me she worked on our marriage for three years but all I saw was her focusing on the kids, work and going back to school to get her Masters degree which has led her to working on her doctoral degree currently.

You think?

Listen, one of your first steps right now should be to quit using that therapist who isn't even pro-marriage! Why would you go to somebody who wasn't? I think your W needs a therapist alright, but not as a MC. This poor girl has been through so much "negative" stuff that I don't know how she gets out of bed every morning. Based on the information you've given, I can't see where much help was offered to her.

Did this therapist ever discuss how all these things could affect your W's outlook on life? How her health might affect your children's lives? How much time has your W been in the hospital due to Lupus? The strong meds she's probably taking for Lupus would have effects on her emotions and sexual desire, I would think. Some AD's keep a person from feeling depressed, but it also keeps a person from feeling anything. No love nor hate.