Awesome!! If nothing else, I just need to get this out.
Warning: I'm not much of a writer, so please bare with me.
Marriage blowout, the awaking...
Denied (sex) - As usuall I got upset. As I walked away, she says, "Really?". I angerly retort, "I guess 2 times a month is enough for you!!" Then head to bed pissed. What happened to, 'never go to bed angry?'
Unknown to me earlier that afternoon she text a close friend of hers...
"H just called. Coming home from work acting as nothing is wrong. Let see how he acts when he's denied yet again... lol"
A preemptive denial??? Really? Purpose?
Had the talk. Says she needs time to think about our marriage, relationship, what she wants, what she needs?
Her - Major complaints pointed out to me.
~1. "You get mad when your hungry and you get mad when your denied sex. You take it out on me and the kids and that's not right."
Entirely true and boy do I feel like an ass. To tell you the truth, I kind wish we would've had this blowout years ago. Would've rather changed then and saved everyone years of my torment. Holly crap! Just how shitty can one feel about themselves knowing they've hurt the ones they love the most.
~2. You're turning into your father. (unpleasant to even think about) A definate stomach turner!
~3. She likes going out with friends. (I've no problem with that) Does she feel guilty of that?
~4. States that I'm anti-social.
Not entirely true. I'm content with being a homebody. I still love going out with my wife. It seems though that that opportunity rarely happens though. I sense that she prefers my absence. Like she doesn't have to 'act' a certain way or answer to anyone when I'm around. I don't know. I love my wife and kids. As far as I am/was concered, I married my bestfriend! She enjoys going out, It'd be nice to know that she'd like me there with her though.
~5. Sex - Say she gives & give and receives nothing in return.
She's got a too do list a mile long. In all fairness, she's right. I should've been working on them one at a time, but saw them as one large depressing pile that showed no end in sight. In retrospect, I felt as that's all I did, 'work'. It's exhausting! I use to look forward to the weekends. As of recent years though, the workdays never seemed to end. What is the weekend anymore? No time to deflate. So it seemed anyway. Yeah, yeah. Pity party time. Last week it was suggested to me that fixing, repairing, anything laborous might be her 'love language'. Looking back, that kind of makes sense to me.
I honestly believe that she has no clue at all what sex means to me. To her I believe that she just thinks it's just a act that means nothing to me except to climax. To me it's the "ONLY" way that allows me to feel connected to her emotionally and physically. We're not hand holder, snugglers, cuddlers, or any other kind of physical affection. I take some of that back. We kiss each other 'goodnight' and tell each other "I love you". The physical act gives me the feeling that I'm one with my wife. There is no greater feeling knowing that she allows me to love her in that way... Now to find out that it was a 'chore' and not desired was a slash to my heart. Yet another failing act placed upon myself. How could I have been so blind? Yet, how can she not understand either?
Another thought. Why would she tell her friends and family that I was opposed to counseling? When we had the initial talk I strongly suggested seeing a Counselor. Quote: "If your feeling all these things and everything is as bad as it is, then we need to see a counselor asap! We need to nip this in the bud now." She tells me that she just needs time to figure things out.
- July 29th:
W planned and had a party on the night of my leaving. Mostly classmate of hers.
Class Reunion on the 30th followed by a camping trip in Wisconsin with D9 & B4. SD12 declined camping as she has not seen her bio dad as of 8/1. I totally understand. 8/2 left for Wisconsin. Fished, canoed, played on the Jetski and brother took the kids tubing.
Worst 9 days of my life!!! Had dropped 15 pounds due to depression. Actually, as I write this I believe I have severe depression!! 8/23 Down 20 pounds at the moment.
I'm fearing there is OM in the picture. Maybe not a physical affair as of yet, but W definately had an EO. What's the difference??? A little history on this OM. This past summer Duke our 26 year old horse threw a shoe and my W called a ferrier. SP? A horse shoe guy. OM turns out to be a tall nice looking guy, 26 yrs old and divorced. W made several comments to several of her friends and family that he was good looking. Nice eye candy she says. OM is tearing down one of the old building to use the materials. When he comes over to the farm my wife always goes over to chit-chat. For extended periods of time. Anyway, I find out that after out blowout on the 18th. W has been talking with him about our marriage problems and what not. W did not inform me of this till I came back home with the kids on the 7th. Only after I was messing with her phone that was drying because some jackass tossed my W in our pool at her party on the 29th of July. It had been drying in a bag of rice for a week or so. Anyway, I get it working and there are 14 text on the phone. Her last text sent which was the first I viewed said. "I want OM here now!" At that moment I had a panic attack. I've never had one before but I'm pretty damn sure that's what it was. Couldn't think straight, walk straight or anything. W was sitting a short bit away and was saying something. All I heard was waa waa waa. Like a damn Peanuts cartoon. Heart beating 100x a second it felt like. Felt like someone was slashing at my heart. That's exactly what happened at that moment. Carla broke my heart along with my trust at that very moment. W fessed up and said that, yes she had been talking to him about us, but that it was only in a friends only way. Says she was looking for advice. Says she figured that he was a young guy with high testosterones that she could get insight on my high sex drive. What a load of BS!! Says talking to him is like talking to me when we first married. GREAT!! Talk to someone who has the same personality as the man you fell in love with. I asked if he came over when the family and I were gone. She says no. I asked did you invite him and she says 'yes', but he refused. Am I crazy for thinking what I'm thinking? She saying all this in a very calm almost monotone voice. Like she's either trying to calm me or thinking I might explode?
Anyway, when I came home from work the next day she comes outside to the car. Tries to reinforce that the ferrier is just a friend and nothing more. Tells me that she thought about it all day and can see why I would be bothered by this. Says that if I want, she'll just talk to him on a strictly business level. I told her, "You do what you think is right" and left it at that. During that conversation I stated that I never ever tried to pick your friends. She said that no one will tell her who she can and cannot be friends with. Not in an angry way, just in a matter of fact way. Anyway, as far as I know (8/23) she has upheld her word. Food for thought. Physical attraction + Emotional attraction = ?????????? How does that saying go? A woman will always admit to a smaller offense in order to hide a larger one.
I'm done thinking about this affair/OM situation. It's not pro anything. Would've been nice to hear an "I'm sorry" though. Hell, she doesn't even consider it an OA, or maybe she does...