Divorcebusting.com

Just don't understand...

Posted By: tjb54

Just don't understand... - 09/08/11 10:11 PM

Hello all,

Been following for a little over a month now and I believe it time to ask for help.

July 18th - W needs time to think.
August 25th - Asks for a divorce.

I've been keeping a journal somewhat using wordpad and I'll just post them up.

I love my wife and kids more I've ever realised...!
Posted By: soccerwife

Re: Just don't understand... - 09/08/11 11:57 PM

So sorry you are here, but you have come to the right place. I recommend you post as much about your situation as possible so that everyone understands your story and can help you with what you need.

There are some really great, caring people here. They literally saved my life on numerous occasions over the last few months. I have made great strides in my Marriage and personal character primarily due to this forum.

Hang in there and keep posting.
Posted By: ~¤DG¤~

Re: Just don't understand... - 09/09/11 12:13 AM

You have come to the right place. Keep posting and we'll be here.
Posted By: tjb54

Re: Just don't understand... - 09/09/11 01:59 AM

Awesome!! If nothing else, I just need to get this out.
Warning: I'm not much of a writer, so please bare with me. smile

Marriage blowout, the awaking...

-July 18th:
Denied (sex) - As usuall I got upset. As I walked away, she says, "Really?". I angerly retort, "I guess 2 times a month is enough for you!!" Then head to bed pissed. What happened to, 'never go to bed angry?'

Unknown to me earlier that afternoon she text a close friend of hers...
"H just called. Coming home from work acting as nothing is wrong. Let see how he acts when he's denied yet again... lol"

A preemptive denial??? Really? Purpose?

-July 19th:
Had the talk. Says she needs time to think about our marriage, relationship, what she wants, what she needs?

Her - Major complaints pointed out to me.

~1. "You get mad when your hungry and you get mad when your denied sex. You take it out on me and the kids and that's not right."

Entirely true and boy do I feel like an ass. To tell you the truth, I kind wish we would've had this blowout years ago. Would've rather changed then and saved everyone years of my torment. Holly crap! Just how shitty can one feel about themselves knowing they've hurt the ones they love the most.

~2. You're turning into your father. (unpleasant to even think about) A definate stomach turner!

~3. She likes going out with friends. (I've no problem with that) Does she feel guilty of that?

~4. States that I'm anti-social.

Not entirely true. I'm content with being a homebody. I still love going out with my wife. It seems though that that opportunity rarely happens though. I sense that she prefers my absence. Like she doesn't have to 'act' a certain way or answer to anyone when I'm around. I don't know. I love my wife and kids. As far as I am/was concered, I married my bestfriend! She enjoys going out, It'd be nice to know that she'd like me there with her though.

~5. Sex - Say she gives & give and receives nothing in return.

She's got a too do list a mile long. In all fairness, she's right. I should've been working on them one at a time, but saw them as one large depressing pile that showed no end in sight. In retrospect, I felt as that's all I did, 'work'. It's exhausting! I use to look forward to the weekends. As of recent years though, the workdays never seemed to end. What is the weekend anymore? No time to deflate. So it seemed anyway. Yeah, yeah. Pity party time. Last week it was suggested to me that fixing, repairing, anything laborous might be her 'love language'. Looking back, that kind of makes sense to me.

I honestly believe that she has no clue at all what sex means to me. To her I believe that she just thinks it's just a act that means nothing to me except to climax. To me it's the "ONLY" way that allows me to feel connected to her emotionally and physically. We're not hand holder, snugglers, cuddlers, or any other kind of physical affection. I take some of that back. We kiss each other 'goodnight' and tell each other "I love you". The physical act gives me the feeling that I'm one with my wife. There is no greater feeling knowing that she allows me to love her in that way... Now to find out that it was a 'chore' and not desired was a slash to my heart. Yet another failing act placed upon myself. How could I have been so blind? Yet, how can she not understand either?

Another thought. Why would she tell her friends and family that I was opposed to counseling? When we had the initial talk I strongly suggested seeing a Counselor. Quote: "If your feeling all these things and everything is as bad as it is, then we need to see a counselor asap! We need to nip this in the bud now." She tells me that she just needs time to figure things out.

- July 29th:

W planned and had a party on the night of my leaving. Mostly classmate of hers.

Class Reunion on the 30th followed by a camping trip in Wisconsin with D9 & B4. SD12 declined camping as she has not seen her bio dad as of 8/1. I totally understand. 8/2 left for Wisconsin. Fished, canoed, played on the Jetski and brother took the kids tubing.

Worst 9 days of my life!!! Had dropped 15 pounds due to depression. Actually, as I write this I believe I have severe depression!! 8/23 Down 20 pounds at the moment.

I'm fearing there is OM in the picture. Maybe not a physical affair as of yet, but W definately had an EO. What's the difference??? A little history on this OM. This past summer Duke our 26 year old horse threw a shoe and my W called a ferrier. SP? A horse shoe guy. OM turns out to be a tall nice looking guy, 26 yrs old and divorced. W made several comments to several of her friends and family that he was good looking. Nice eye candy she says. OM is tearing down one of the old building to use the materials. When he comes over to the farm my wife always goes over to chit-chat. For extended periods of time. Anyway, I find out that after out blowout on the 18th. W has been talking with him about our marriage problems and what not. W did not inform me of this till I came back home with the kids on the 7th. Only after I was messing with her phone that was drying because some jackass tossed my W in our pool at her party on the 29th of July. It had been drying in a bag of rice for a week or so. Anyway, I get it working and there are 14 text on the phone. Her last text sent which was the first I viewed said. "I want OM here now!" At that moment I had a panic attack. I've never had one before but I'm pretty damn sure that's what it was. Couldn't think straight, walk straight or anything. W was sitting a short bit away and was saying something. All I heard was waa waa waa. Like a damn Peanuts cartoon. Heart beating 100x a second it felt like. Felt like someone was slashing at my heart. That's exactly what happened at that moment. Carla broke my heart along with my trust at that very moment. W fessed up and said that, yes she had been talking to him about us, but that it was only in a friends only way. Says she was looking for advice. Says she figured that he was a young guy with high testosterones that she could get insight on my high sex drive. What a load of BS!! Says talking to him is like talking to me when we first married. GREAT!! Talk to someone who has the same personality as the man you fell in love with. I asked if he came over when the family and I were gone. She says no. I asked did you invite him and she says 'yes', but he refused. Am I crazy for thinking what I'm thinking? She saying all this in a very calm almost monotone voice. Like she's either trying to calm me or thinking I might explode?

Anyway, when I came home from work the next day she comes outside to the car. Tries to reinforce that the ferrier is just a friend and nothing more. Tells me that she thought about it all day and can see why I would be bothered by this. Says that if I want, she'll just talk to him on a strictly business level. I told her, "You do what you think is right" and left it at that. During that conversation I stated that I never ever tried to pick your friends. She said that no one will tell her who she can and cannot be friends with. Not in an angry way, just in a matter of fact way. Anyway, as far as I know (8/23) she has upheld her word. Food for thought. Physical attraction + Emotional attraction = ?????????? How does that saying go? A woman will always admit to a smaller offense in order to hide a larger one. frown

I'm done thinking about this affair/OM situation. It's not pro anything. Would've been nice to hear an "I'm sorry" though. Hell, she doesn't even consider it an OA, or maybe she does...
Posted By: tjb54

Re: Just don't understand... - 09/09/11 02:37 AM

Would a mod please delete my previous post. Apparently I'm bad at editing. There are names I would like to delete. Sorry people.
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: Just don't understand... - 09/09/11 03:28 AM

Originally Posted By: tjb54
Hello all,

Been following for a little over a month now and I believe it time to ask for help.

July 18th - W needs time to think.
August 25th - Asks for a divorce.

I've been keeping a journal somewhat using wordpad and I'll just post them up.

I love my wife and kids more I've ever realised...!


TJ,

Welcome to a great place to come for a terrible reason.

First, if you learn about the approach to relationships this place espouses, your life will get better regardless of what happens in your marriage. YOU will become a better man for it. That matters.

Second, re: the realization you have had about your familial love, it's great that you have had this realization. Now,

RETAIN IT...

and post here under the same thread if you can b/c it's much easier for us to find you when you are in one place.

You can reply to others on theirs of course, but for your own story, stick around so we can follow along.

Also, fyi, I find it much easier to read if a writer posts in short-ish paragraphs. Your post was short but the long ones get too hard to read If it's all one long long narrative/paragraph.

YES couples can and do make it through marital crises.

Tell us how long you've been married, WHY she SAYS she wants out &

what you believe is valid about her complaints and what

YOU are doing to work on YOU...

YOU are all you are in control of here. Don't forget that.

A lot of LBSers (Left Behind Spouses) get bogged down in the "WHY WHY??" and try to fix or change the Walk Away Spouse (WAS)

AND OR they obsess nonstop about what the WAS is doing/feeling/thinking/planning and of course, "WHY???"

Don't bother.


Do not plead or try to convince her of the merits of marriage to you. She is not interested in hearing that and the more you challenge her choices,

the more you force her to defend them, which cements more too.

Have you read the divorce busting book(S)?


THIS IS CRUCIAL TO DO, ASAP...Ch 1 is online I think.

The 2nd one is better in my opinion b/c it doesn't spend as much time on why divorce is bad b/c I get it. I don't want a divorce.

Whereas the 2nd book, "Divorce Remedy" has more of the "how to fix this now" info.

This is a "solution based therapy" approach.

Divorce Busting is based on the simple but radical idea that we should do MORE of what helps the relationship

and none of, or less of, the things that hurt the marriage.


MANY MANY people talk about their past, their childhood issues, the trauma, the post traumatic stress and the hormones and the OTHER STUFF

that deserves attention, sometimes...

but this is NOT that place. This is about doing more of what works

and less/none of what does not work.


Tell us your story. You are not alone.
Posted By: tjb54

Re: Just don't understand... - 09/09/11 03:02 PM

Marriage blowout, the awaking...

-July 18th:
Denied (sex) - As usuall I got upset. As I walked away, she says,

"Really?". I angerly retort, "I guess 2 times a month is enough for you!!"

Then head to bed pissed. What happened to, 'never go to bed angry?' Unknown to me earlier that afternoon she text a close friend of hers..
.
"H just called. Coming home from work acting as nothing is wrong. Let see how he acts when he's denied yet again... lol"

A preemptive denial??? Really? Purpose?

-July 19th:
Had the talk. Says she needs time to think about our marriage, relationship, what she wants, what she needs?

Her - Major complaints pointed out to me.

~1. "You get mad when your hungry and you get mad when your denied sex. You take it out on me and the kids and that's not right."
Entirely true and boy do I feel like an ass. To tell you the truth, I kind of wish we would've had this blowout years ago. Would've rather changed then and saved everyone years of my torment. Holly crap! Just how shitty can one feel about themselves knowing they've hurt the ones they love the most.

~2. You're turning into your father. (unpleasant to even think about) A definate stomach turner!

~3. She likes going out with friends. (I've no problem with that) Does she feel guilty of that?

~4. States that I'm anti-social.

Not entirely true. I'm content with being a homebody. I still love going out with my wife. It seems though that that opportunity rarely happens though. I sense that she prefers my absence. Like she doesn't have to 'act' a certain way or answer to anyone when I'm around. I don't know. I love my wife and kids. As far as I am/was concered, I married my best friend! She enjoys going out, It would've been nice to know that she'd like me there with her though.

~5. Sex - Say she gives & give and receives nothing in return.

She's got a too do list a mile long. In all fairness, she's right. I should've been working on them one at a time, but saw them as one large depressing pile that showed no end in sight. In retrospect, I felt as that's all I did, 'work'. It's exhausting! I use to look forward to the weekends. As of recent years though, the workdays never seemed to end. What is the weekend anymore? No time to deflate. So it seemed anyway. Yeah, yeah. Pity party time.

I honestly believe that she has no clue at all what sex means to me. To her I believe that she just thinks it's just a act that means nothing to me except to climax. To me it's the "ONLY" way that allows me to feel connected to her emotionally and physically. We're not hand holder, snugglers, cuddlers, or any other kind of physical affection. I take some of that back. We kiss each other 'goodnight' and tell each other "I love you". The physical act gives me the feeling that I'm one with my wife. There was no greater feeling knowing that she allows me to love her in that way... Now to find out that it was a 'chore' and not desired was a slash to my heart. Yet another failing act placed upon myself. How could I have been so blind? Yet, how can she not understand either?

Another thought. Why would she tell her friends and family that I was opposed to counseling? When we had the initial talk I strongly suggested seeing a Counselor. Quote: "If your feeling all these things and everything is as bad as it is, then we need to see a counselor asap! We need to nip this in the bud now." She tells me that she just needs time to figure things out.
Posted By: tjb54

Re: Just don't understand... - 09/09/11 07:35 PM

Okay, how does this delay posting work?
Posted By: tjb54

Re: Just don't understand... - 09/16/11 09:14 PM

Alright guys & gals. D seems inevitable. We've both have seen lawyers. She has one, I haven't committed to one yet. Been doing 180 since our initial talk mid July. No GAL as of yet cause of all the 180's. Basically been running around fixing things and currently remodeling the 3/4 bedroom bath. One of the main probs is that I'm a procrastinator. Knew it all long, just didn't realize the extent.

Anyway, seems like she if trying to fast track this D. We're still civil, and up to a this past Monday (4 days ago) she was sleeping on the couch, sometimes vise versa. There's still a 2 story wall of pillows between us. I enjoy this non the less.

We had another D talk about 3 days ago that she brought up and she teared up a bit. She thinks we should tell the kids asap. Been pushing this for about 3 weeks now. Not sure what to make of this. It's just a matter of time before I'll be moving out. Trying to purchase a house that'll close after the D. Really dislike the idea of getting an apartment. Plus, I really need a garage for all the crap I've got, or it's monthly storage cost to add to the moving bill.

Between talking to lawyers, realtors, and checking apartments. I feel like I'm sneeking around. Basically I am. frown Truth be told, I see myself in some sort of self preservation mode. Not sure if that's a healthy place to be either? I think I'm to the point that I need to get this D over with in 'hopes' that....?

Oh yeah, I have read the DR book and am lost as where/what I should be doing?
Posted By: dbmod

(NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 09/18/11 01:28 AM

^
Posted By: In_Shock

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 09/18/11 02:56 AM

what is up with the number 13? SO many of us have been together 13 years. Maybe i t really is UNLUCKY.

sorry u are here, but u will get great advice.
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 09/18/11 03:35 AM

Can't disagree with ya on 13. Thanks, hoping for some advice! If nothing else, somewhere to unload. smile

I've been following your posts the last few days and can relate to some of it. My kids are my life as well. I fulfill their emotional needs. My S4 is my mini-me, my D9 is my super sensitive princess and I consider my SD12 my first born. I've been with my W since she was prego with her.

I'm not sure what my biggest fear is atm. The D or the day of telling the kids.

Tomorrow is my W's birthday so she at her mothers house having a party as I type this. Me with the kiddos this evening.

Suggestions on DR where I stand??
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 09/21/11 12:33 AM

Not really sure how some are able to keep the hope alive for so long? Is it a common thought to think....F'it, so long, can't wait till this is final? Am I afraid of loosing my wife or just the effects that this will have on my kids?

For better or worse... Till death do we part...? Catch phrases or do they actually mean anything to anyone? When the D-bomb was dropped I was scared straight! Now I find myself thinking, 'Maybe this is the best for W and I?

Like many before me have said. "I just don't know this woman anymore?"
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 09/24/11 04:09 PM

Hello all,

My emotions are all over the place. Really need some insight atm as to where and how to proceed?

D is set in motion. Very beginning stages. We are very civil and seem to get along better that when the bomb was first dropped. If the D wasn't in the air one wouldn't be none the wiser to an outsider.

Still in same house. I'm currently looking for a house. No physical contact since mid-July. Kisses goodnight and 'love ya' ceased August 29th or so. Still in same bed.

Constantly wondering what she's thinking, who's she texting, and who is she talking to on the phone.

Sooooo very confused!
Posted By: TimeHeals

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 09/24/11 04:51 PM

Umm... check the phone bill?
Posted By: Rick1963

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 09/24/11 05:15 PM

tjb54 our sitch are so similar. The getting angry at W doesn't work. I also have a horse issue, she spends lots of time at the barn but don't know if there is OM? Got served 9/2/11 with D papers and I know how desperate you feel. My W got tired of me being critical, negative and thretening if you do that stop it. I know it is hard but stop thinking of what she is doing it will make you crazy. read the DR book ASAP and post here so people can help. I'm fairly new at this but they tell me that PATIENCE is what is needed now.
Posted By: 25yearsmlc

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 09/24/11 08:50 PM

Originally Posted By: tjb54
Hello all,

My emotions are all over the place. Really need some insight atm as to where and how to proceed?

D is set in motion. Very beginning stages. We are very civil and seem to get along better that when the bomb was first dropped. If the D wasn't in the air one wouldn't be none the wiser to an outsider.


this ^^^is not all bad. You have the gift of some time to DB and I would NOT do all the house projects if you are not GAL at all.

GAL would also be a 180 and might help you in other ways.
Get a little mystery going for you. Did you read the 37 Rules for DBing newbies?

Also do you see how poorly you reacted to the rejection you felt from sex "denied" you? That's a classic problem that is at the core of many divorces...I hear women hating it mainly b/c they feel so pressured.

WHen I ask them what "pressure" means they say "h will pout or get angry if I say 'no'" and that turns them way off.

I am not the type to say "no" lightly, for several reasons.

But when I do, I don't want a hassle from my h acting like a kid who didn't get his ice cream. I don't withhold sex to punish or reward my h with. It's not a weapon.

OTOH if your w attaches too many "conditions precedent" to making love

then it IS a chore for you both. What? You have to build a room, or a brick wall, and she has to...do what? "put up with it", lay there? I also wish you had not let this problem fester so long.

Did she ever like sex? I'm betting yes...IF SO, it can come back.

What was different then? And what were you like when she fell in love with you?

That was a telling clue she gave you. She misses that man...and it is you.

Be him again. Underneath your pain and anger and fatigue and complacency

is the man she fell in love with.

RE:
when you tell the kids, my family c said not to say the word "divorce" but

" trial separation" to see if....OR a "time out" type of talk to let them down gently and allow them to adjust at their own rate.

Never say "divorce" if you are not 100% positive
and you're not. Even if she says she is...why push that onto them all at once?

Especially since things APPEAR to be good in the home. That makes kids crazy.





Still in same house. I'm currently looking for a house. No physical contact since mid-July. Kisses goodnight and 'love ya' ceased August 29th or so. Still in same bed.

why are YOU moving out? hire a L asap and empower yourself with knowledge. I hired one and she helped us stay together actually. Don't worry that it means you MUST do something but once you move out, you lose a lot of leverage.

BTW When H found out the reality of divorce, he got a lot nicer.


Constantly wondering what she's thinking, who's she texting, and who is she talking to on the phone.


Sooooo very confused!


STOP obsessing about what you do not control And all of that stuff ^^^ is out of your control

so it is ALL wasted energy on your end. And negative too.

I cannot stress GAL enough. Do it!

Be the best father you can be b/c you should be, for you and them and b/c no woman fails to notice that.

when thoughts of OM come into your mind (and a cute boy toy comment and some flirting are NOT the same as a true affair or I"ve had 343 of them!! grin

seriously though, if she found him attractive and joked about it, you need to be secure enough (at least in front of her)

to hide the jealousy b/c it sounds like it annoyed her a lot.

Rent some comedies to see, make it easy for her to feel relaxed around you, maybe even enough to laugh around you...

let her see you playing with the kids, let her see you reading to them or teaching them something...lovingly

and be a man only a fool would leave.

(( ))
Posted By: Luckyclover

(NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 09/24/11 09:01 PM

Welcome tjb,

Sorry to see you come here but the people round these parts are wonderful.
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 09/25/11 01:14 AM

Thanks Rick1963.

As far as the OM, my W is currently at a going away party for him. OM and his GF are moving to Texas. Good riddens...! Now if my W starts taking trips to Texas, I believe I'll have confirmation. LOL

Yes I have the DR book and have read it. I just can't locate where I'm at in this whole mess? Patience I have, it's time I'm worried about.
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 09/25/11 01:15 AM

LC,
That's what I'm seeing. Soooo much hurt yet so much hope. smile
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 09/25/11 01:44 AM

25yearsmlc,
All the projects I'm doing I guess is my attempt at 180. Would love to GAL, but all these project buildup have been one of the major problems. We're living in one of her parents farmhouse and part of not paying rent was that I was to work on the house. I never felt a need to rush, because in my mind, what was the rush? It's not like I was going anywhere, right? Yeah, I'm a dumbarse!! Hindsight I guess...

When we moved to where we're at 4 years ago, I started working for the FIL. I married the farmers daughter basically. Step-daughter anyway. What blows is that her mother and FIL are totally supportive of W and her decision. They are really close. Two weeks after our talk on 7/18 my FIL told me that this was going to be the last season farming this farm. He has two of them. So he'd no longer need my help after this Fall. So in the last month, I've lost my job and W. Dropped 20 pounds in 4 weeks though. smile
Depression diet -> not for everyone.

I'm totally disappointed with myself about the sex issue!! Sad this is that I recall that we had a serious conversation a year ago this past March. I just didn't listen! I heard, but didn't listen. Wish I had a time machine....

I've contacted a lawyer, just haven't hired one yet. He told me that if my FIL wants me out, it's his call. Since it's his house and daughter. Hoping he doesn't use this cards, but it's a possibility. Wife has made it clear that she wants me to move out. I'm basically stalling, so as I don't end up wasting money on some apartment. I'd rather not want my kids to be with dad in some dive somewhere till I get a place.

My W is from a divorced family. Her parents split when they were about our ages now. Also, my SD12 is the same age as when her parents divorced. Maybe that's why it's acceptable? More than one she's told me that she knows exactly what SD12 will go through. I on hte other hand don't believe she does. Reason being that now SD12 will have 2 dads that will no longer be. My heart breaks thinking about it. I'm super dad to these kids and she knows that. She's told me as of recent.

We function as a family and I believe it's gonna hit them hard. She mentioned again about a week ago that we should inform the kids. My thoughts are, why rush it?

Have more to say, but on a positive note. Wife jsut texted me and will be arriving shortly. We're going to a big birthday bash for a friend of ours. It's been a while since we've done anything without the kids. Looking forward to it. Unfortunately, there will be a lot of her friends that are in the know about us along with her mother and FIL. Might be a little uncomfortable. Ahhh well, me needs a break. smile
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 09/25/11 08:02 PM

Well the night was a flop. W never said, but I got the feeling she would've preferred my absence. Anyway, we chatted 3-4 times throughout the night. MIL was pleasant, FIL pretty much cold shoulder. Still can't figure him out. We worked sideby side for 4 years.

Probably a big no no, but I spent the majority of the night chatting with the daughter of a friend of my inlaws. She introduced herself by saying, "Hi, I'm X, and your cute." Talk about a much needed ego boost. smile So, we just chatted. I'm sure I said too much, but convo was easy going. Several times throughout the evening I noticed my wife watching from a distance while dancing or chatting with her girlfriends. It wasn't brought up on our way home. Who know what her thoughts were on this, but should I even be interested or care? To tell you the truth though, I feel/felt a little guilty.

It feels like W is DB'ing me. In the past month or so, she's all dressed up 24/7 and GAL'ing like crazy. Out every weekend with her friends and social media ing like crazy. Heck, even sleeps with the cell by her head.

I read someones post a few weeks ago and it was suggested that moving out or the D was needed to allow the time and space needed for the WAS. Is this valid?

How do I make this world stop spinning? Quick, someone hit me with a 2x4 or Mac truck!!
Posted By: sandi2

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 09/26/11 12:51 AM

You will not be able to "understand" a WAW. What you needed to do was understand when she was your real wife. She doesn't see herself in that role at this stage. She is different from the person you M, right? She may or may not ever find that person again. So, it's a very serious state.

I think the LBH experiences fear,(which is normal, IMHO) b/c he doesn't want to lose his family. He is confused at what's happening to his W that has turned her into somebody he doesn't know. He begans feeling very desparate to do something to save the M and the family.

So, what you're feeling is to be expected. However, you cannot operate out of fear. As long as fear is the motivation, you are sure to mess up in the DBing part. First thing you need to do....starting right now, is to get in control of fear....insead of it controlling you!

This is so important when DBing. A WAW can smell the fear in her LBH and it seems to make her act very nasty toward him. It is a huge turn-off to her, and that's why she won't respect you and why she doesn't want to be around you. But I suspect that has been in the works for a while now.

My H has a habit of not getting into "projects" around the house. He, like you, does not see the hurry about it. He is much that way about everything in life. He use to be very passive. Do you think you fall into that catagory?I've notice my son has done the same thing in his M. He's just pretty much handed his W the reigns and whatever she wants to do.....that's fine. And all the time, he's got his head in the computer games or TV. Guess what? She recently told him she's not happy. You see, women don't like men who will not take care of the things that needs to done. And they sure don't like to come home from work to find the H has spent his day doing anything except what would mean an awful lot to her. However, now that you've tried to do those jobs "after" she's left you....she won't be too impressed, and probably think that you way to pull her back in.
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 09/26/11 01:40 AM

Originally Posted By: sandi2

So, what you're feeling is to be expected. However, you cannot operate out of fear. As long as fear is the motivation, you are sure to mess up in the DBing part. First thing you need to do....starting right now, is to get in control of fear....insead of it controlling you!


How does one do this?
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 09/26/11 01:43 AM

I agree 100% Sandi2.

Last week while R talking that she brought up, not me. She made the statement, "If anything positive, you'll sure make some woman very happy someday."
Posted By: workinghardguy

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 09/26/11 02:24 AM

Sandi2 is absolutely right on... being new to this world I can honestly say that is the hardest part of this. The gut-wrenching fear and constantly wondering is today the day? What happens to our family? What will my friends think?

It's the part I struggle with the most... the powerlessness of it all. You have to find a place where you can accept and work from not being afraid of loss. The last few days I've taken to having "rehearsals" with myself. Going through what the conversation might sound like if my W asks for a D. Coming up with ideas and plans. I've done budgets, researched laws, and even come up with visitation schedules. I absolutely don't want to go there... I absolutely want my family to stay together. But I also need to prove to myself that life will go on, that there is another path, and to see it for what it is.

My fear of the unknown is what drove me to spy on my W via her FB account. She found out and is still angry and hurt. We do stupid things when we're afraid. Somehow you have to find a way to manage that fear and put it aside.

And it's not the same as not caring. I do care what happens. It's more of realizing what we are powerless over and letting that go.
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 09/26/11 03:09 AM

Why is it that I can find similarities in most posts that I read?

Workinghardguy, spot on with the FB here as well. Our kids are almost the same ages. frown
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 09/27/11 01:39 AM

When does one go 'Dark' or 'LRT'? I tried to locate the 'Dark' section in DR and couldn't find it. Also, are either of these really doable if your still in the same house?
Posted By: workinghardguy

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 09/27/11 02:36 AM

TJB... the LRT in the same house is tough but doable and the dark thing is too. So for example, my wife was gone last weekend and I did some GAL. Didn't tell her. S stayed overnight at my mom's. I got in about 2am. Friends I was with share some common friends with my W. I know it will get back to her. But I'm not telling her. Same with the game. Just texted her that we wouldn't be home but not what we were doing. This week on Thursday I'm planning to take the kids to a night parade we have nearby that's cool to watch. Going to see if anyone wants to tag along. Not going to tell her. Let her get home to an empty house. If she wants to know what we're doing she can call or text, or she can actually talk to me once in a while. Otherwise I'm going to live my life how I want to live my life.

I love the night parade and I know the kids will. She might grump about keeping them out late on a school night (we'll be home by 9 or 9:30), but that's what Dad's do once in a while right? We toss aside the rules to do something cool and fun smile

As far as the LRT... I say very little right now. I say hi, good night, and talk logistics. I only do #1 and #2 because the kids are around and it would seem odd to them to not see that. I don't text her during the day or send her emails or FB messages unless absolutely necessary. Any advanced logistical stuff (like finance stuff) I email to her and then tell her if she'd like to discuss she certainly can talk to me.

In the morning I get up about 15 minutes before her and get out the door for my exercise. I make sure it takes 45 minutes to exercise so that I get home about 10-15 minutes before she goes to work. We usually cross paths in the bathroom as I'm jumping in the shower... which serves the second purpose that she can visually see what my GAL is doing for me ;-)
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 09/27/11 04:53 PM

For some odd reason, I'm feeling like there's no change in what she wants. Feeling a little down as she just left to have some docs changed that she got from her lawyer last week. Settlement agreement and parenting docs.

Just when I think I've got a grasp on my emotions...*BAM* I'm thinking I don't know myself as well as I thought I did.
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 09/27/11 04:54 PM

The vehicles need oil changes, think I'll mess with then for a bit for a distraction.
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 09/27/11 04:57 PM

Oh yeah, thanks for the post workinghardguy.

The thought of being a parttime dad is disturbing.
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 09/30/11 08:31 PM

Past six days recalled...

This past Sat or Sunday W was out both nights. Imagine that! Some memorial for a fallen soilder followed by OM going away party.(Good Riddens) Rolls in at 1:30am.

Yesterday, OM comes over and meets W at the barn to do the Horses feet before he leaves. Yeah I watched from the house. Nice body language W! 1+ hour out there.

Last night W goes out yet again with friends for a soilder sendoff at a bar in next town. Rolls in 1:30am...imagine that? Ends up inviting new 20yr old girl friend and husband & male friend over tonight for movies and whatnot. Tons of respect....!!!

Had to go to the Sheriffs station to be served my divorce papers today. Either pick them up or they send over a squad to serve. Brought S4 with and afterwards we ended up having MickeyD's for lunch then took him to a park to play on the playground. The house I'm looking at is about 3 blocks down. I really hope I get this! I have to!!!

Get back at 2:30pm and W is waiting on us. Apparently she's going into a town over to meet with a couple of girl friends of hers for lunch. Hows that saying go about the WAW? "Believe nothing of what they say and 50% of what they do." Something like that.

She has a funeral to go to at 5-7pm.

It's been one shitty week. So wish I could self initiate a massive heart attack!!

Tonight ought to be interesting.....
Posted By: sandi2

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 09/30/11 11:40 PM

Quote:
So wish I could self initiate a massive heart attack!!


Shame on you for saying such a selfish thing as that!! If I believed you really meant that....I would seriously get on your case!

You asked me earlier how could you stop letting fear be in control. I believe we have to operate out of our personal belief system.....and not the emotion of fear. Fear is a feeling and sometimes we just have to experience that feeling and go on and "do" the right thing anyway. We may not always be able to stop feeling afraid, but we don't have to allow the fear to paralyze our actions.

Bear with me, please, while I share something with you. I remember my dad talking about WWII and the Normandy invasion. He said most of them were just young boys and they were so scared that they were throwing up before they got to the beach. But.....they knew what they had to do...and so they did it, afraid. When I saw the movie Saving Private Ryan...and how the enemy was just mowing the guys down before they even set foot on land....I remembered my dad talking about the day the ocean turned to blood. NOW THAT WAS FEAR!

Sometimes we have to stop and think about those couples who are told their baby girl has cancer, or that their son won't walk again. In other words, there is always somebody who has problems bigger than ours. It's not usually what we want to do when we're already depressed and facing a possible divorce, but the point is to think past our own pain and then maybe we can see the bigger picture more clearly.

I truly hope you can think past your pain, and do what works in your MR(and what is right)and if you must...then do it even though you are afraid. You may not stop experiencing fear all together, but that's how you stop allowing it to control your life.

(hugs)
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 10/02/11 02:05 AM

Sandi2, yes it was and I apologize to all.

I can't seem to recognize my fear. I believe it's not so much the fear of loosing my W as it is the fear of the pain that my kids are going to suffer. The fear of not seeing the kids daily. I think those are my main fears.

I've given up trying to understand the thought process thats involved with throwing away 13 yrs together without even trying to work on it as a couple. Don't understand it, never will. I was talking to my brother on the phone today and told him that I wasn't even sure I'd wanna try and work it out if she were to change her mind tomorrow. Too much pain, lying, disrespecting, mistrust.

Maybe I'm just blowing smoke at myself, who know?
Posted By: workinghardguy

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 10/02/11 03:38 AM

Hey TJ, I can completely relate... it's the fear of not seeing my S (who's 5) every day that gets me in the gut. I love my W and she is my best friend. I would be very sad to go day to day without her in my life. But I've been there before, I survived, I moved on... but it's when I'm with my son that I freeze up. When my S crawled in bed this morning to snuggle with me it absolutely broker my heart.

I don't know you're exact situation but here is what has helped me deal with it...
- first, I've sat down and put on paper what I would want with visitation and placement. Seeing it on paper is hard, but also made me realize it's not as bad as it seems.
- Next I compared that scheduled to what my life is like now. Most weeks I'm gone at least two nights a week and at least one weekend a month doing stuff. Ok... so if my wife and I split time 50/50 then that's three days or so a week I may not see him. That's not all that different than it is now.
- I got very specific about placement issues. I know child care after school would be an issue and I already pick him up two days a week (my W does 2 days, and my mom does one). I wouldn't see that changing... so, there's more contact.
- I figure I could easily pick him up and take him school in the mornings. It's on my way, so why not?
- We live in a small town and I've vowed that I will stay here and within blocks of the house if at all possible. I don't want there to be a 30 minute commute getting in the way.

When I did all that it still absolutely sucked, but not as much as when I first thought about it. I'm still not sure how the whole SS and SD thing would work out... and I don't want to remove my S from his brother and sister, they all love each other so much.
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 10/02/11 03:55 AM

Funny thing is that about 2 weeks ago my W told me that she still considered me her best friend. Didn't know quite how to respond to that.
Our first talk of parenting time was almost a 50/50. I was thinking Thurs night till Sun night every weekend and she was fine with that. That was until she contacted a lawyer. Then there haave been numerous little changes that are being brought up. Boy I can't stand lawyers. I place them alongside bankers and salesman. smirk
Thing is 50/50 usually takes away child support. Heck, I'd agree to still pay CS for 50/50.
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 10/02/11 03:57 AM

Also, about my SD. I'd happily have her over with my D & S. I've been with her since she was in diapers and like you, I'd hate to see then separated from each other for even the slightest amount of time.
Posted By: workinghardguy

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 10/02/11 11:55 AM

I'm with you there, on the stepkids thing... I too would gladly have them over, I just don't know how that would fly with their dad. I'm sure they'd be fine doing a day thing but staying overnight seems a road too far.

Our S and his older SS and SB are separated on and off already when they go see their dad. So he's used to some small period separation. Sometimes in the summer it can be up to a week at a time; my S struggles with that much time away from them.

The 50/50 thing does have the added benefit of child support reduction smile I absolutely would want my son 50/50 (at a minimum!) but I also like the fact that it really drives down support. In Wisconsin it's a pretty straight forward formula so it's pretty easy to calculate. At 50/50 she gets about $100-$150 a month from me. Good luck with that!
Posted By: sandi2

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 10/02/11 10:23 PM

Quote:
I can't seem to recognize my fear


Could you explain what you mean?
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 10/03/11 12:27 AM

Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
I can't seem to recognize my fear


Could you explain what you mean?

I should've said pinpoint instead I guess. I've tons of worries, but I guess I can only call a few of them fears. IDK, maybe I'm fearful of this whole ordeal...
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 10/07/11 04:35 PM

Hello again,

I think I'm gonna try and post daily. Trying to recall 5-6 days at a time is hard and I believe that I've wasted opportunities here & there.

Last 3 nights I've went to bed after the 10pm news without telling wife goodnight. For some reason she seems much more pleasant in the morning.
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 10/09/11 03:11 AM

Well good and bad news today....

D9 had an ATA karate tournament today and the whole family went. The drive was an hour each way and we had a great time. Wife and I chatted the whole way. Had a good time watching and everything, well just seemed good. Got home about 4:30pm.

Wife was cooking dinner and I stuck my foot in my mouth. I asked what her plans were for the evening. She said "nothing, why do you ask?" Well I already knew that she was planning on going out this evening with some friends to see one of her fav local bands play. Heck, I bet she's seen them play a half dozen times in the last 7 weeks. Anyway I said," well it's Sat night and just figured you were heading out tonight." She replies, "I'm just getting out on the weekend to avoid 'this', 'our situation'. Then she follows with, "We really need to tell the kids!". I ask what's the rush? She tells me that with all the family functions coming up, she doesn't want the kids to hear it from someone else. Implying that some of their cousins know because my W's bother and sister in law know and probably talk about it around their kids. I can't confirm or deny this.

This conversation carries out to the deck where we both have a smoke. Wife brought up the 30 days to respond. She is in the belief that I have to be out at the end of the 30 days. I just nodded and said I'm working on it. I don't believe it for a second, but would like for someone chime in on this. We talked of visitation that is worded on the dissolution summons that states..

"..with the Petitioner designated as the primary custodian subject to the Respondent's, XXX..ME..XXX, rights of resonable visitation."

I basically said that was unacceptable. That I'd like it worded as we've discussed numerous times. Thurs night to Sun night every weekend. Yeah, I know a long shot there. Were both civil and understand and agree that we're both good parents. Her fear is that I wouldn't be flexible. I'm feeling the same of her. I said to her, "You know me. Would I do something like that?" She said, "I don't know? Do you think I'd do something like that to you?" Here's where the crappola hit the fan! "You've been spitefull in the past and yes I do believe you could do that to me." She instantly was hurt. Her eyes watered and stated, "Now you just p1ssed me off! Apparently you don't know me!!" That ended out convo as she snuffed her smoke and stormed inside and proceeded to cook dinner.

Well at around 8:30 she comes into the living room and says that she is going out. That she forgot it was her friends birthday night out. So, here i sit knowing that she's out with friends, really ticked off at me.

as the World turns.......
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 10/09/11 11:11 PM

Serious question here guys & gals.

Does anyone here DB after a divorce? Or is it pretty much the same as DB'ing while separated?
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 10/16/11 03:31 AM

Alrighty, feeling the need to journal this evening.

Last night W traveled 4 hrs North with the kids. She's going to a wedding and brought a girl friend up with her. I stayed back. SD12 will be staying with her bio and D9 and S4 will be spending time with my brother. Been trying to keep busy today but my mind never stopped thinking about my wife. Been reading the forums here for a bit and had to go out for a smoke. Outside I felt the need to pray. Man did I loose it...

Texted my brother @ 9 to see if D9 & S4 were up so I could talk to them for the evening. Kiddos were asleep though, another bummer.
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 10/21/11 06:03 PM

Knew it was coming, but hurts still the same. Came home form a parent teacher conference with SD12 this afternoon. Decided to check Facebook and see that W removed our 'Married to' status. Not her status actually, just where your friends see that your married. Not defriended yet, that's just a matter of time I guess. This all stemmed from a blowout last night.

Yesterday our daughters had their Second Degree Blackbelt grad and all went well. Her father & stepmother were there along with one of her nieces and a nephew. I love this side of her family! Anyway, we had a good time it seemed. When it was time for a family pic of of the girls and thier new belts, W would not join in. I overheard her father asking why she didn't want to be in one, W stated that her hair was a mess. I believe he truly understood why though. Sad indeed, I see it as a keepsake for the kids, apparently W does not. I never pushed the issue. We then went back to our house and had cake and icecream. All seemed to be going smoothly. That is till after family left to go home and kids were getting ready for bed.

While W and I were out on the deck having a smoke, she brings up r/divorce talk. Proceed to tell me about the mandatory child class each of us has to take. Then tells me of some changes made in papers regarding visitation. To tell you the truth, I was internally irritated hearing this at this time. I stated, "OK, we'll see". Thinking nothing about it. A 1/2 hour later as she walk be, I ask her a question about our camera and she angrily says, "I DON"T KNOW!" Surprised, I go into her PC room and asks what's wrong? At this point she's ticked at me for my earlier comment outside. She's trying to fast track this D and is probably thinking that I'm gonna press for custody or something like that. I can't understand why W would think that every other weekend is acceptable? 3 days out of 14 is not parenting time. It's reducing me to a visitor.

Anyway, this morning she's cold as ice! Just the day before, we were doing something together and she slipped by calling me 'Hon', that hasn't happened since the D-bomb was dropped.

Just letting it out.......................
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 10/21/11 06:19 PM

Just a couple of points to add...

At the end of our talk last night I said, "We just had a nice night with the kids and your dad. I don't see the point of bringing this up at the end of the night. Why bumm out the evening?" Her response was, "Oh, so we'll just continue living this fantasy then."

As for today after noticing the Facebook change, I just walked to her office doorway and asked, "Really? You just couldn't wait?" and left it at that.
Posted By: workinghardguy

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 10/21/11 06:29 PM

Hey TJB... doesn't the Facebook thing suck? It's just a few words on a screen, but it sends a punch in the gut. My W did that a few weeks ago, about the same time she stopped wearing her wedding rings, and it really, really hurt. I've gotten used to it but it still hurt. And we haven't had an actual D talk yet... just discussions about probably separating some time in June.

I think you're right to fight again 3 in 14 days, though I guess that would depend on the geography. While we want to give them space I think you have to stand up for yourself and your kids. There is no reason for 3 in 14. As long as you're willing to get them to school, get their homework taken care of, get them where they need to be and take care of them then 7 and 7 is absolutely reasonable.

My W and I have only danced this issue briefly in an R talk. But where we ended up was 50/50 and then during the overnights our S would have dinner with the other parent every so often, or come home after school until dinner time and then go for the overnight. This way neither one of us has to go a week at a time without seeing our S.

The one caveat I would offer though, and this is coming off of my DB coaching session a few hours ago, when you talk to your wife about it try to find compassion if you can. I know it sounds really hard and I would think it is... but perhaps approach it from, "If having the kids more time concerns you, why is that?" or "I've sensed that me having the kids more time is a concern for you, can you tell me why?" And then just listen... don't try to solve it right there. Just listen and maybe verify that you're understanding her point of view correctly.

What happens after that... well, I've got nothing right now, sorry smile but if I meditate on it and an idea springs forth I'll come back!
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 10/21/11 10:01 PM

WHG yes it does! When we first discussed 'parenting time' we were agreeable. Now that she's lawyered up though, not so much.

Just got back from grocery shopping to find out that she's having a few friends over tonight to play cards. I suspect a new love interest thrown in the mix somewhere. Think I'll play passive aggressive and try to have a good time. Yeah, I'm into self torture. 8P
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 10/27/11 07:54 PM

Journaling....

Here are a few highlights and food for thought. Yesterday I had a 10am appointment to retain a lawyer. He is one of three that I've interviewed with and choose this guy. The way W seems to be pushing/fast tracking this thing, it's totally possible to be finalized by 11/3. This is something that I can't allow to happen. I told my lawyer to stall, whatever it takes. He's thinking maybe to stipulate a condition of 30-60 days before I move out. Not sure if it's the way I'm wanting to pursue this though. W is sure to be pissed off at this option as she wants me out asap. Another Ace in my pocket is fact that we haven't told the kids as of yet. Yes, it's kind of using them as pawns, but not in a way that will hurt them in any way. Not likely that a judge will force me out asap when the kids aren't in the know. Mrs. Selfish (a mental reference I sometimes use when thinking about W) has an 11am appointment to attend the required IL. parenting class. It's suppose to be 4 hrs long. I'll be bring up this topic later on. So my meeting with my Lawyer ends and I rush home to be with S5(It's his Birthday today by the way!!) so Mrs.S can leave.

Noon arrives and I decide to take my little buddy to lunch and then to the archery store to get some arrow fletched. Anywho, we stop to eat lunch at TGIF. I told the lady about his birthday and after our lunch they came and did the whole singing thing and boy was S5 ever embarrassed. He went under the table after they were done singing. He got a free sundae out of it though. Well, I did anyway cause he didn't want it.

So, after that we ran to Walmart which is just across the street. As we pulled in, there was this girl walking into Walmart that stopped and waved. It was my W. Keep in mind that the IL. Kids class thing is a 4 hour class and it is now 1:30pm. I pull into a parking space and W is waiting by the entrance. I say, "4 hour class eh?". She tells me that there were only 2 in the class and the instructor gave them the option of leaving with credit for staying the whole 4 hours. I'm thinkng B.S., but I really don't care. At this point I believe nothing that she says and only 50% of what I see. We go in together and shop together. Picked up some Pumkins for each kid, Halloween cupcakes and laundry stuff. We separate in the store so she can get S5's birthday presents. I head to the pet section to get dogfood. W them tells me that she's gonna meet a friends mother for lunch and will be home later. I'm thinking B.S. on this as well. Whatever....

The drive back home is about 20 mins or so. S5 had the Ipad, so I had some thinking time on my mind. I'm thinking when is my realtor going to call back on that property I'm looking at. I'm thinking, I can't wait to get out. Not away from the kids, just away from this situation. I'm thinking about my earlier talk with Lawyer. I'm thinking about a talk that I had with my sister earlier in the week. Reality starting to kick in hard and I'm feeling a little relief, peace, or maybe sanity. Anyway, here's where it gets a little wierd for me.......



Timewarp back to my break up back in 98' with an EXGF. Anyway, the night EXGF broke it off with me, I drove home all heartbroken and whatnot. As I was driving past the VFW in my hometown at the time, a song starts playing on the radio. It was Green Day and the song was 'Time of Your Life'. The words fit my situation at the time perfectly. So much so, that I bought the damn CD and damn near wore it out playing that song.



........back to my ride home........

Yup you guessed it! Green Day - Time of Your Life starts playing just at the appropriate time. Coincidence....? I think not. wink


Ended the day with S5's lil Bday party! Good time! Six Halloween cupcakes with candles in 5 of them! Happy as heck with a
coloring book, a PS2 game, a Wii game & two packs of his favorite M&M's. The ones with the pretzels in the center.....
Posted By: Rick1963

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 10/31/11 08:00 PM

Just read your sitch and sorry for you too. I can't believe how fast this is going. the one thing is that I can stay until the house is sold. That can take a months and I don't have to leave. I have t get the place ready for showing and homes don't sell so fast in winter. Hang in there
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 11/03/11 05:20 AM

Well it's been a pretty emotional day today. Both good and bad. We've got our court date tomorrow afternoon and am pretty sure the D will be finalized. Just hoping that she buys the 60 day move out stipulation. It's tough living together now, not looking forward to living together for a month or two being D. Gotta do what I gotta do though....

So, I thought I'd take a trip into Champaign and get me some new duds. Nothing suit fancy, but a nice casual fancy. I figure that since we started this journey with a Tux and a Wedding dress that I wasn't going out in jeans and a sweatshirt. smile I'm guessing that a Tux to a D hearing would be overkill though. Then I thought, heck at the beginning I was honored with a nice ring. So I headed over to the same Jewelry shop that I bought my W her 10 year anniv ring back in March and picked myself up a nice Bulov precisionist watch. I'm a momentos kind of guy. Down 23 pounds since this started, quit smoking on the 26 of this month and am looking ahead. Oh yeah, the 26th was my S birthday. Heading home I thought I should head over to Cathedral we were Wed in since it's in this town. Looking for closure I guess. So I get there and walk inside. WoW did the emotions really kick in! The place was totally empty and I took a seat up front. This is the first time I've been there since our Wedding. Stupid me didn't even think of bring a hanky or tissue. At least I was wearing a long sleeved shirt... frown My original thought for the visit was that I'd get it all out of my system before court tomorrow. I hope it works.

My W's father called while my W was out and we had a good half hour talk. Told him that I really enjoyed being part of the family. The feeling was mutual I gathered. When we were done talking I felt the urge to call my W's brother who lives a couple of hours away and basically say my goodbyes to him and his wife aswell. Good talk that I just felt I need to have. He did tell me one thing that was kind of a shocker. He said, "TJ, I'm surprised you lasted this long with my sister and mother up there. To be honest with you, that's why we're 2 hours away." Not sure why I'm throwing that in, just am.

W has not mentioned tomorrows court day at all today. Unsuccessfully trying to mind read I guess...

Wish me luck tomorrow, please.............!!
Posted By: Rick1963

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 11/03/11 03:50 PM

Good luck today man I know what you are going through. We will survive this thing even if it seems hopeless. It isn't. God will make it right just trust him.
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 11/04/11 12:07 AM

In and out in 57 minutes. 13 years together ended just like that. Surprisingly, I've yet to shed a tear today over this. Not quite sure what to make of that.
60 day stay didn't go over well. W wanted 2 weeks, settled on the 26th of this month. So that about 3 weeks to transition the kids and pack out. W and kids will be on a Thanksgiving vacation 24-26.
I arrived back home about 2 hours after court and W is acting as nothing has changed. I seriously don't understand.....
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 11/04/11 12:09 AM

Originally Posted By: Rick1963
Good luck today man I know what you are going through. We will survive this thing even if it seems hopeless. It isn't. God will make it right just trust him.

Yes we will R! Thanks for the kind words!
Posted By: Rick1963

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 11/04/11 02:05 AM

TJ I am so sorry . Does this mean you got a D? Hang in there
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 11/04/11 02:24 AM

Thanks. Yup, got the D. To be honest though, I feel nothing like I thought I would. Following the advice and reading others stories, I believe has prepared me in a way.
Posted By: Rick1963

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 11/04/11 06:34 PM

Man that stinks. how are you feeling today TJ? I hope you are ok man I'm praying for you.
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 11/05/11 02:36 AM

Believe it or not, I feel almost a relief. My only sad thoughts were informing the children.

We decided to tell the kids today. SD12 and D9 had Karate practice today, but W and I decided they should skip practice tonight and we all went out to a Chinese Buffet this evening. This is something we do for events. Both kids made honor roll, one made high honors and this was our reasoning for the dinner out. Actually, W and I decided one last family meal out would be nice.

An hour after getting home, we called the kids in to inform them of the D. SD12 sheltered herself using jokes and laughing. I could read her eyes though. frown D5 didn't digest it at all. Which I hope is a good thing. D9 had a total meltdown. She's our most sensitive one. Totally understood what a D was. Sad, sad indeed....

I feel ashamed to admit this, but I'm relieved the ice has finally been broken with the children. frown
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 11/05/11 02:38 AM

WoW! I just reread my post and see that I still referred to her as W.
Posted By: tjb54

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 11/05/11 02:40 AM

Crap! I'm still wearing my ring. Someone help me out here on this one!
Posted By: Rick1963

Re: (NA) Re: Just don't understand... - 11/09/11 04:43 PM

TJ how are things going. Please keep DBing for you own sanity. Hang in there
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