Need help about my marital problems. - 05/31/11 07:53 PM
My husband came home May 15th for R&R and told me two days later (May 17th) that he can't loved me and he needs to be happy. He is now back overseas.
Hubby is 36 yrs old and I am 43 yrs old. Hubby was never married, and I was previously married with 2 older kids. Hubby and I have two beautiful daughters. a 3 yr old and a 21 month old.
I am here because I really love my husband and I don't want our little girls to be growing up without their father. The idea of them being shuffled from one house to another is just too much for me to think right now..Also I am scared about being alone raising these two kids on my own...I did it with my older ones (18 and 16 yrs old now)...it was really hard - working two jobs and raising them because the ex didn't give child support (not american and not in this country and just plain heartless).
More background about us. We are married for 3 yrs - together for almost 5 years. I am Asian so my hubby and I have a lot of cultural differences. He is caucasian. Also at the beginning of the relationship I lied to him about my age. It was wrong of me. God knows he made me pay for that lie almost througout our marriage. And also I didn't tell him about how much I owed with my credit card debts. I paid some of it but there were some left that he paid off. When he found out about the age thing. We almost broke up. But I was already 5 months pregnant with our 3 yr old and we said let's start afresh. We got married in June 2008 (we started dating late 2006). We were happy I thought. I mean, he would still get mad at me and rehash the age thing and the credit card bills (it was mainly for medical expenses of my father) once in a while. A lot of our fights are because of the two older kids. My kids are city kids (Los Angeles) and I quit a good job and moved here (a podunk town - trust me it is really in the middle of nowhere - the only thing here is Walmart - sorry I digressed). So anyway I relocated here (uprooting my two older kids to everything that was dear and familiar to them from LA to here). It was very hard adjustment but I thought we were fine. There were happy moments.. and the fights were'nt so severe or frequent.
Until he deployed last year (november)... we were rocking it the first few months. He was calling everyday almost and skyping and sappy emails. Then bam.. March 14th we had a fight while on skype about me going back to work when we moved to our new location. I said I would rather wait until our youngest daughter is 3 yrs old where she can go to Pre-K and don't have to be in daycare the wholeday.
He then became emotionally cold and detached. No Ilove yous or I miss yous.. and just impersonal emails. Everytime we had our skype sessions (he stopped calling me on the phone) just skype so he can see the babies - he would just start to pick fights and catalog my faults. And keep on saying he doesn't know what he wants and that he thinks our marriage is unfixable. Then sometimes he would say..this is just the stress of deployment and I will talk to you about it when I get home for R&R. So fast forward from March to May.
He told me "I had a lot of time to think there of what happened and what will happen in our marriage. I deserved to be happy and I now realized why I get easily mad at your kids and at you these last 3 years. I never really did recover from your lying about your age and I should have left you right there and then. I should not have married you. I just can't recaptured that love I felt for you before I discovered the lie. It's not my fault I don't love you. I don't know what I want because it's complicated.. I love my girls. I won;t make any decision until the deployment is over and I won't abandon you because I know you have nowhere to go. You did give up a lot to come here. I think we should go to counselling but no promises. I am not a clairvoyant to tell you what's going to happen. You should probably still move to my next PCS or you can go anywhere you want".
It was a very tense two weeks... a roller-coaster. Because eventhough he was really cold two months before coming home for R&R I was still hoping that we will be ok when he's finally home. Where we can talk in person. He also visited his parents for 4 days while he was here in the East Coast and we are here in the South. I think whatever is it that he talked with his parents about us helped convinced him more that he is done with this marriage because when he came back from visiting them.. he said a completely different thing. He is now saying. Counselling is bs and will not help. And that I shouldn't move to the new location. We are currently selling this house that we lived in (we didn't live on base). Just make sure you sell the house and then we take it from there..
I know I am too much to blame because of the lying. I dont even understand why I lied in the first place. I was very insecured but that wasnt an excuse. It was wrong. As for the credit card debts - I told him that I have credit card debts and that I paid most of it. I didnt tell him how much is it because I thought I could pay it all of. Again bad judgement and I just have really trust issues.
Please no judgement.I made all these mistakes. But I am a good mother and a good person. I tried so hard to please this man. And if I could undo the lying I would. Obviously it is too late now. I just need support from those that are hurting like me.
I want to know if there is hope at all for us. He is very very detached and cold. He kissed and hugged me goodbye at the airport. We had a lot of talks before he went to see his parents but the last week he was home (this was after he visited his parents) he stopped the talks about us too.. Just told me he wanted to be friends. And he said that I am a wonderful mother to his two babies.
Sorry this is long and probably all over the place. I am so emotionally down right now.I had been trying to keep it together for so long now.
Thank you.
Hubby is 36 yrs old and I am 43 yrs old. Hubby was never married, and I was previously married with 2 older kids. Hubby and I have two beautiful daughters. a 3 yr old and a 21 month old.
I am here because I really love my husband and I don't want our little girls to be growing up without their father. The idea of them being shuffled from one house to another is just too much for me to think right now..Also I am scared about being alone raising these two kids on my own...I did it with my older ones (18 and 16 yrs old now)...it was really hard - working two jobs and raising them because the ex didn't give child support (not american and not in this country and just plain heartless).
More background about us. We are married for 3 yrs - together for almost 5 years. I am Asian so my hubby and I have a lot of cultural differences. He is caucasian. Also at the beginning of the relationship I lied to him about my age. It was wrong of me. God knows he made me pay for that lie almost througout our marriage. And also I didn't tell him about how much I owed with my credit card debts. I paid some of it but there were some left that he paid off. When he found out about the age thing. We almost broke up. But I was already 5 months pregnant with our 3 yr old and we said let's start afresh. We got married in June 2008 (we started dating late 2006). We were happy I thought. I mean, he would still get mad at me and rehash the age thing and the credit card bills (it was mainly for medical expenses of my father) once in a while. A lot of our fights are because of the two older kids. My kids are city kids (Los Angeles) and I quit a good job and moved here (a podunk town - trust me it is really in the middle of nowhere - the only thing here is Walmart - sorry I digressed). So anyway I relocated here (uprooting my two older kids to everything that was dear and familiar to them from LA to here). It was very hard adjustment but I thought we were fine. There were happy moments.. and the fights were'nt so severe or frequent.
Until he deployed last year (november)... we were rocking it the first few months. He was calling everyday almost and skyping and sappy emails. Then bam.. March 14th we had a fight while on skype about me going back to work when we moved to our new location. I said I would rather wait until our youngest daughter is 3 yrs old where she can go to Pre-K and don't have to be in daycare the wholeday.
He then became emotionally cold and detached. No Ilove yous or I miss yous.. and just impersonal emails. Everytime we had our skype sessions (he stopped calling me on the phone) just skype so he can see the babies - he would just start to pick fights and catalog my faults. And keep on saying he doesn't know what he wants and that he thinks our marriage is unfixable. Then sometimes he would say..this is just the stress of deployment and I will talk to you about it when I get home for R&R. So fast forward from March to May.
He told me "I had a lot of time to think there of what happened and what will happen in our marriage. I deserved to be happy and I now realized why I get easily mad at your kids and at you these last 3 years. I never really did recover from your lying about your age and I should have left you right there and then. I should not have married you. I just can't recaptured that love I felt for you before I discovered the lie. It's not my fault I don't love you. I don't know what I want because it's complicated.. I love my girls. I won;t make any decision until the deployment is over and I won't abandon you because I know you have nowhere to go. You did give up a lot to come here. I think we should go to counselling but no promises. I am not a clairvoyant to tell you what's going to happen. You should probably still move to my next PCS or you can go anywhere you want".
It was a very tense two weeks... a roller-coaster. Because eventhough he was really cold two months before coming home for R&R I was still hoping that we will be ok when he's finally home. Where we can talk in person. He also visited his parents for 4 days while he was here in the East Coast and we are here in the South. I think whatever is it that he talked with his parents about us helped convinced him more that he is done with this marriage because when he came back from visiting them.. he said a completely different thing. He is now saying. Counselling is bs and will not help. And that I shouldn't move to the new location. We are currently selling this house that we lived in (we didn't live on base). Just make sure you sell the house and then we take it from there..
I know I am too much to blame because of the lying. I dont even understand why I lied in the first place. I was very insecured but that wasnt an excuse. It was wrong. As for the credit card debts - I told him that I have credit card debts and that I paid most of it. I didnt tell him how much is it because I thought I could pay it all of. Again bad judgement and I just have really trust issues.
Please no judgement.I made all these mistakes. But I am a good mother and a good person. I tried so hard to please this man. And if I could undo the lying I would. Obviously it is too late now. I just need support from those that are hurting like me.
I want to know if there is hope at all for us. He is very very detached and cold. He kissed and hugged me goodbye at the airport. We had a lot of talks before he went to see his parents but the last week he was home (this was after he visited his parents) he stopped the talks about us too.. Just told me he wanted to be friends. And he said that I am a wonderful mother to his two babies.
Sorry this is long and probably all over the place. I am so emotionally down right now.I had been trying to keep it together for so long now.
Thank you.