After reading NMMNG.
It seems that all our WAS's have past issues like depression, divorce, abandonment, mental, emotional, spiritual, relational, family problems, broken homes etc etc.
The LBS's who are men often entered their R as a rescurer or knight in shining armor and the ones who are women as a nurterer or mother figure.
Any LBS here married to a "normal" person that wants to walk away?
My WAW has had depression issues. Seems to have started when our S was born. She's on medication, but I've heard it's a very low dose. She also has admitted she is having spritual issues right now as well.
So - no - I am NOT one of the LBSs married to a "normal" person who wants to walk away.
Survey says, Yes certainly in my sitch.
WAS, depressed, abandonment issues from childhood, emotional issues from something in adolescence, ran away from home estranged from mother and father since 18.
LBS, rescuer/knight, the relationship eventually became codependent.
Now WAS has run away from this R. Claims LBS treated her just like M & F she ran from 30 yrs ago.
My W comes from a broken home. Her dad walked out of her life for 10 years when she was 8. Not to mention the way her mother treated her after her parents D.
When we first started dating, she always would say to me that she felt safe in my arms. She wanted someone to take care of her, because she has always been the caretaker.
I wish that I would have done a better job of doing my part in taking care of her.
This is not the case for my WAS. He was raised in a good home with loving parents.
Yes he was depressed but I was due to how badly I treated him and broke him down.
I am the one from a broken home, insecure, fear of abandonment, etc.
You guys all told my story already. Wow!!
WAW came from divorced home, drunk father, verbally abusive mom, co-dependent
I cam in as the KNIGHT .... then I became human .... and she started looking for the door ..... just took her 9 yrs to find it.
In my case, WAS came from good loving home. I came from home where parents fought a lot. I was the depressed one in our relationship.
Google Borderline/Narcissist relationships
That reminds me another trend I notice on here. I see a lot of WAS married and/or had kids really young. (a lot of exceptions though)
I guess that would mesh with your theory as well.
For me, my W came from a good home with solid upbringing. My parents were divorced, but I still had a solid upbringing myself.
I believe her upbringing had a lot to do with her deciding not to be a WAW after feeling like she wanted to walk. That's why I think it's important for the kids to see that example.
Assuming I understand all the abbreviations.... My wife is ready to leave. Still have no idea how much she is lying or deceiving...
We both come from normal homes, no divorce, abuse, moving around, financial difficulties, or anything else. Pretty much as normal and solid foundation as it gets.
Now after 14 yrs and 2 kids of mostly great times, she wants her freedom and to live on her own how she wants to live. Basically everything but me and being married. Only thing preventing "the end" is I am doing LRT and sitting in limbo.
Not to imply anything "good guy" about me,
I came into the M with some baggage myself as well.
But looking back on the months or years before bomb drop,
while W was planning her exit, I honestly expected her to insist on repair.
EA and OM made it that much easier for her to take the other fork in the road.
Those years I would often wonder why she was drifting away and seemed to make no effort.
I have said before how I accept my half of the blame for the failure of our M, but the more I think about it, the less I feel at fault, b/c on bomb day her mind was totally made up. That had to have been in the planning for a long time.
In hindsight, there was no amount of DBing I could have done to dissuade her, but it has helped me get a grip.
I honestly expected her to insist on repair.
Quick question:
Did you wait for her to ask, or did you make changes on your own?
From DR:
"In the months or years that follow her decision, the wife is no longer trying to fix the marriage...most women have built up a wall around themselves." pg. 40
"First off you, not your spouse, are going to have to do the lion's share of the work here...you may not like the fact that this feels so one-sided, but for now I say, 'That's too bad.' That's just how it is." pg 43
I think there is an element of "Nice Guy" in anybody who would pick a wounded partner. We knew they had issues going in and figured we could fix them.
In the beginning, this was exactly what they wanted and was great.
In the end, WE became just human .... and they started looking for the next ONE who could fix them.
So, they believe they need somebody else to fix them .... and we believe that as well and we try to fix them. And the problems in the relationship are then always said to be problems with that co-dependent WAS.
Well, guess that makes us both broken then eh? The yin, and the yang. We push, they pull.
I've decided to stop pushing.
[quote]
I honestly expected her Quick question:
Did you wait for her to ask, or did you make changes on your own?
To be honest, I fantasized about being away from her (she became a bit of a shrew) even D.
If anyone is interested read "Codependent No More"
If you are honest with yourself the rescuer feels validated by rescuing/fixing.
so you are actually part of the problem.
Not a healthy relationship for either party.
If anyone is interested read "Codependent No More"
Very interesting. After the initial bomb when I found out my W was having an EA, she went to C a few times on her own. This is the book the C recommended to her. TBH, I don't know if she ever even read it. She had made up her mind by then.
In my sitch, W comes from a good home with no big issues. However, she became a rebellious teenager and when I met her she was on meds for OCD. I don’t know if she was ever actually full OCD, but she had some issues.
I definitively came in to our R as the “rescuer.” This was even talked about when S hit the fan. While I was also a rebellious teen, I was the ‘control’ guy. I “set her straight” as she says. She said after all of the years, she changed. She began to see my “rescuing” as controlling. She no longer needed it, and grew to hate it. She didn’t need to be “set straight” any longer.
So in many ways, my sitch is similar. It all sounds like a bunch of HS to me right now though…
That's a great recommendation, Gritter!!
And yes, both parts are broken. But one kind of broken is just more visible.
Too bad though .. I am damn good at fixing things. Too bad you can't fix people.
To be honest, I fantasized about being away from her (she became a bit of a shrew) even [fantasized about] D.
I forgot to add:
"Be careful what you wish for - eh ?"
Great thread, a lot of similarities.
My W has it all.
Depression, father died who was alcholic and emotionally abusive,
resentment towards mother, bad childhood,
I like the analogy of taking her 9 years to find the door when we become human.
I always felt like I needed to be near perfect in the marriage because when I made mistakes, and I did, I certainly heard about them.
My mistake was treating her like a mentally healthy person. I should have been extra aware.
9
Great thread, a lot of similarities.
My mistake was treating her like a mentally healthy person. I should have been extra aware.
9
LOL!!
My W had some issues in her past...something I've realized through this is that she's never really "found herself". I think a huge part of my DB efforts has been making sure that I'm no longer standing in the way of her doing so, and even subtly doing things to help her in her journey.
Navy, I hope you succeed creating the environment you and she need to progress. Moreover I hope she realizes and appreciates your efforts.
A caution though from one who lost himself attempting to nurture another, if you haven’t already done so look at these links about detachment
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/ and healthy boundaries
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14718-building-healthy-boundaries/. They have been posted here several times.
Sorry for the threadjack.
Married at 24, first child at 27. Is that young?
My W is an ACOA, and there was a lot of mental illness in her family growing up. Must have been more tramatic than even I know because at some point she simply removed the part of herself that would discuss feelings or think about the past. She live entirely in the moment, which I suppose is a nice trick if you can do it! Her F sort of held things together - just being stable. Then that became my job.