Hey guys:
Well Im back. Wife left me last year around this time. Swore no infedility despite what Puppy and Sandi and many suggested.
We tried reconilation in July but she only came back in body. She contiued to cheat with a rather unexpected low life that has a dead end job and two kids. One in diapers ( not quite a year) and one three.
I found out Halloween night via a blackberry she had passed out.
She continued to deny and I told her to leave and go back to the house she had bought in the summer. Where she had her trysts with this lowe life once a week. BTW, He is not at alll good looking and his fatehr was the town bum. I am so preplexexed that she actually slept with him let alone kissed him once.
She tried to committ suicide and ended in the mental institue for a couple of weeks but htat was more for show I thinnk.
He lft his wife on Dec 26 and my wife has her own place.
They are now out in the open but not living together. He goes there when she doesnt have the kids every other week.
Trouble is and it really bothers me, Somehow I still lover her.
I was on stresss leave till yesterday as was she. She stars work on Monday.
She has lost over 50 pounds and looks great sometimes but is haggard others.
She has really no fututre with this guy but he lavished attentionn on her that I guess I did not.
She textes me often despite me telling her not to. Its a long stroy but she doesnt reapect my boundries. We are getting aour sepaerations settlement finalized and I thinki its a fair one .
How do I get over her. My therapists and many others dont believe this is foing to last with him.
Our oldest son overheard everything and know his mom had the affair and wants little to do with her.
Most of her family want little to do with her as she has completely blown up her life.
Is there still a chance for us? She always wants to know what i am doing and was very hurt that i changed my status on facebook to single and received lots of support.
On jan 3, she told me she had a meltdown over new years and mawondered if I could giveher a week to think about coming back but three hours later changed her mind.
Any ideas
Nine - First, I'm sorry that you are back on the boards with us all. Having said that, you know this is the place you need to be.
You also know how the whole DB thing works. Affairs whether EA and/or PA are transient. The faster they start, they end just as quickly. It's like an addict needing a fix. Think how long the fix lasts.
Your W can only make her own choices now. And sometimes she will have to suffer the consequences of those choices. You need to re-group and get yourself back on track. Be the man she fell in love with again. GAL; go out with friends, throw a new color of paint on your walls, clean out a closet etc. You get the idea. Just as they think it's all about them right now, it's really all about you. I love the fact that we change and the WAS remain stuck. And when they see or hear the new us, they are so thrown off! What a payoff huh? They doubted us that we would ever change.
Dust off your DR book or go out an get yourself a copy if you don't have one. We are hear for you.
i apologize for the state of my post. Its not well written and so much is missing. I just cant seem to rehash all the details althought they probably are important.
She believes she loves this thing that she is with but again, I think its a matter of time before she wakes up. He has tried these lines with other women but my wife fell for them. She wanted out of our relationship but I wonder sometimes if she truly has nothing left for me. She gets upset around me easy and often wants to communicate. I think she misses many aspects of our life together but is addicted to this affair.
My therapist believes that she will come crawling back but only because she misses the security and is often overwhelmed in our small town because many people know about this. Our mutual friends have taken my side. Her brother in law ( sisters husband will not even talk to her) she is not allowed at her sisters house as a result. She looked up to her BIL as a second father but he hates her now.
Her boyfriend is not allowed at any of the family functions but I am still welcomed.
I know I must move forward, get stronger and focus on my kids and i have done that with some difficulty. But do I hold out some hope that her course with him will run out. they have so much going against them.
Last night she called and we stupidly rehashed what went wrong in our marriage with both of us taking blame.
I asked her at the end if she is happy now and she said emphatically that she is not and know she effed up her life and her kids life but doesnt know what to do about it.
I am lost at this point but am trying to move on but I cant seem to get her out of my mind.
Thanks Zen:
I appreciate the advice and I am trying all those things. I just wonder if everything is too broken to fix. I would be willing to forgive but it would be a herculian effort to never bring it up and since we live in such a small town, I might even bump into him,( with a Jeep i hope).
He makes so little money and will have to pay child support and alimony. He is also a part time DJ at our local bar so i cant go there anymore. My wife has changed an reverted to teenage like behaviour, she is 43, but how long can this last?
Like i said, she is already telling people how unhappy she is and tries to get happy by drinking and quick little fixes. She suffers from depression and told me she was diagnosed with bipolar tendancies but then said she wasnt and that i should never repeat that. Almost a comedy sketch.
Im really pissed about what she did but hate to see the woman I love go down a path of destruction with a low life. My kids factor in to this as well. My youngest loves everyone and I cant stand the thought of them doing things together. My oldest doesnt even want to meet him.
She blames me for the bad relationship with her son since I lost my temper and called her every name in the book the night I found out and could not lower my voice. My oldest son heard everything and then saw her try and committ suicide but she blames me for not lowering my voice. I told her I went out of my mind when I found out. There was not Physical abuse but I could not stop calling her a slut. I went out of my body.
9lives,
I guess welcome back although I don't know anybody ever really wants to be back. Man, only you can figure out what to do from here. What are your boundaries what are you willing to do and not do. I know my answer.......time for you to find yours.
I am all about DBing and saving a M but not at the expense of losing myself and my personal integrity. I will save my M as long as BOTH parties can enrich the M and be better. I know what I am doing and you know what you have done......What is she doing?
Time to take some personal stock in yourself and your M. 19yrs is a long time to throw away but you have to be complete as a person for yourself before you can be complete of a M to work out.
Nine.....Breathe!
WAS/MLC'ers IMHO are sort-of one in the same. They suffer from narcassitic behavior and that includes blaming the LBS - YOU. My H 1 year later STILL blames me for everything. In the beginning I let him blame me; I took the brunt for it all. I was riddled with so much guilt for ruining such a good thing. I got myself into therapy, read a ton of books, joined this forum and realized that I'm accountable for my part and I own that but my H has some ownership as well. But he hasn't grappled with that yet and I know he will. And so, my point being, our S are stuck. Outwardly they appear happy and together when truthfully they aren't. It's a facade. They are like tires spinning in the mud. They have no direction and they keep making bad choices.
They will realize that the grass isn't greener. It's tough when you have children. I don't have any and in some way I feel fortunate for that because I know how I felt when my parents split up and I was 23 at the time.
MLC'ers are in an experimental phase and that may include a new relationship or 2. It can be a mortality issue that makes them snap - who knows. Only they know and it's a jaded truth. How long can it last? That's a good question. There is no definitive answer. You can leave the door down the hall open, it's up to how open you want that door. MLC'ers are really good at keeping you on the rollercoaster. Your in for a long journey and patience will become your enemy and best friend at the same time.
You BOTH have to make some changes in order for this M to work. If she isn't willing at this juncture, then you have to start to detach lovingly and not worry about what she isn't doing or is doing. I know it's hard and to factor that you live in a small town as well. You can only focus on you right now. You will present yourself in a different, better way. You have to for YOU and the possibility for saving your M.
MLC'ers also can suffer from depression as well. A depressed person never knows that they are truly depressed thus a medical diagnosis (which it sounds like she got) is warranted. If she is bi-polar that perhaps explains the attempted suicide. It's a very common element from what I understand that goes with the disorder.
ninelives...
I'm sorry you're suffering
I believe many of us struggle with this question daily. if not hour to hour.
for me, if I didn't have children it would be so much easier to just complete the process and walk away. Except, you never really walk away there is always a connection that can't be completely severed.
If I didn't love this man that's now a stranger to me on so many levels, it would be easy to say a hearty Eff you and never let the thought of him cross my mind ever again.
If it didn't cause me incredible financial hardship, ditto.
If I hadn't made such a huge investment of personal intangible resources and time ditto.
Yet, everyday I struggle to answer this question.
Divorce now? Or hope for better soon?
Sometimes I feel like an utter fool for choosing hope.
Other times I feel like I'm not just giving up on him, but on me and my kids if I choose divorce.
I guess in the end that's all we can do, make that choice day by day on what we're going to do until the price we pay for making one choice or the other becomes too high to sustain.
I wish all of us here better days and a blindly clear sign of hope soon. Spring will come.
Well, I am back to this silliness and despite knowing what to do, i made a huge mistake on Friday.
She was very confused when she got caught back in Oct, she wanted councelling and wanted me to forgive her and so on but I was absolutely unconsoluable. I even spit in her face when she finally told me she had slept with him despite denying it forever.
I stayed with her in the mental hospital for awhile and she still talked about recon. But as the weeks passed, she wanted her boyfriend more and more. She made it very clear at one point that I should move on and that she would never come back.
Same as last time she left in Feb of 2010 but that was before I knew of affair.
She has not respected any boundries I have set and called often and sometimes it seemed just to chat. I finally made it very clear that she did not exist to me other than the mother of my children.
My son had an appendix attack two weeks ago and we went to the hospital in a bigger town, 1.5 hours away together because son wanted both of us. We stayed in his hospital room together overnight.
Longest night of my life. She is with OM and does not appear to want to let go of him despite realizing that they have a bleak future together financially and because many of her family will not accept him.
For last few weeks, I have been ignoring her and replying very quick texts to her about kids. Many of texts need not be sent.
She was upset that I wouldnt look at her at our sons hockey games as I am the coach, she would come into the dressing room despite me asking her not to. She texted me and asked if I would ever speak to her again. I said not as long as you are with OM.
Unfortunatlely , I miss her like crazy and am willing to forgive her PA with this loser. We talked on Friday and she told me she wasnt happy and wished she could just dissappear but tells her friends she is getting happy.
I asked her a question on the phone about something and she said why do i care since i hate her anyway.
In a moment of weakness I said, Do you really think I hate you after all these years. I told her I miss her like crazy and that I still love her but I have to ignore her for my survival.
I went over to pick up my son at her place and we talked again about recon and that her boyfriend was a player that tried that line on so many people but she bought it because she was so unhappy about her boring marriage.
She told me earlier that there was 100% chance we would ever get back together but by the end of the hour she said she needed time to think. I know I came on too strong but I cant stand to see her go down this path of destruction.
I have revovered since and I have accepted that she is not coming back and he will probably move in with her for a while where she now becomes the bread winner. I know she will enjoy that role for a while but then it will blow up in her face.
I need to accept the fact that there is no recon any time soon if ever and if there is , she might be coming back for the wrong reasons.
I only told her I loved her because I think she truly believed that I hated her and would never accept her back. I am faced with the burden of loving someone that doesnt really love me although she said she did that night but not in the marital sense.
When will I wake up and stop causing myself so much pain looking for a morsal of hope to bring back our family.
She even said she enjoys her little house where she can be alone sometimes. I just wonder if that will ever grow tiresome or has she become so selfish that this is who she really is.
BTW, Zen and SCylla, excellent responses. My heart goes out to you as well. It is all consuming and there must be a way to move on. I have tried reading Tolle, the power of NOW but cant seem to sustain it for long.
Time is the doctor they say in Greece.
God bless all and hope for better days ahead. They have to b.
Nine:
I don't mean to sound cruel and apologize if I do, but you can't help her manage her disorder or her life. She really doesn't want your help at this juncture. SHe is trying to suck you back becasue she needs you and does not neccesarily want you. You have to consider do you want someone to want you or need you? You both need to take some time apart so you can each take care of yourselves and get healthier.
If you got back together now, your M is not going to work. all you both will be is tires spinning in the mud. You need to focus on YOU and I can't stress that enough. Is is hard? HELL YES! But the only one who can control her behavior is her. If you cotinue this parent/child relationship with her, she will continue to resent you.
Do I still love my H even tho he left 1 year ago today and has filed for a D? 150% yes. When I hear from his own brother that he feels my H is making bad choice do I worry and just want to intervene and save him? Again, 150% yes. But I know that I can't. People have to hit rock bottom sometimes to get to the other side. That's the way I look at my H leaving. It sucked, but it forced me to face my demons and work hard to be that person he fell in love with 20 years ago. I want to be the greener grass. My D is going to happen but I won't stop DB'g. How long will I leave that door open ajar, not sure at this moment and that's ok. I'm just taking thingsw one day at a time.
My H got into all that new age stuff, Tolle, Chopra, The Secret etc. Just be careful with those books because they can have a very narcassitic approach. It's a very general view and it doesn't factor in when you have children etc. It's all about if YOU feel your aren't happy, then you need to just cut your losses and move on. It doesn't matter who or what gets left behind. Not a very healthy approach IMHO but I'm sure the overall message isn't bad if you sift thru all the bs. I honestly believe that these books validated my H's decision to leave. DR's approach negates all those age authors views.
Don't pursue her, don't tell her you love her, don't talk about R - she knows trust me. You are only doing more of the same.
I encourage you to read DR if you haven't and if you have, keep reading it over and over. GAL - go out there and get yourself stronger. You can do better and you will. Tommorrow is another day.
First of all, sorry to hear about this sad anniversary. I commend you for continuing to DB but ( and I did that the first time until she came back when she thought I was through with her and appeared to have moved on) But at what point do we CUT our losses. Its up to the individual. Do I believe that she has truly just moved on with some guy that really is scum. Not just by my accounts but honesly, although he lays it on thick, he is not a good person and she will see that someday. Good people do not leave their wives when they are pregnant and have affairs. I'm sorry.
I havent read DR lately because she has it but I will really try and just ignore her from now on. As long as there is another man there is no marriage. The question remains, what about my self esteem? How do I accept her back if she decides to come back and still call myself a man? I guess these questions will have to be answered when the time comes.
Maybe by that time I wont care about her at all.
Again, thanks Zen and sorry for your dubious anniversary.
Nine.
Update:
She just unblocked me on facebook. I think she just wants to make sure i am still there just in case her relationship with the OM falls flat. She told me the other day she is very confused after telling me that she would never come back.
I cannot and will not discuss relationship talk again with her and rehash what went wrong in our marriage. Whats the point.
I guess I just learn to love my kids more and move on and see what happens. OM= no marriage period.
She admitted that she thinks that she will regret this some day but must try and see how this works out her way.
Life is about choices for sure. I cant understand how she can be so selfish though.
Maybe its time to just realize that she doesnt love me and move on.
You know who else she does not love 9lives? Herself. Her choice in the OM is proof of that .
Hi Nine,
Sorry to hear this. I will attest that people diagnosed with bipolar tendencies can overcome them. But it is they, not anyone else, that must do it. Often, people with this condition make the decission to get themselves better when they are faced with a life changing loss; for example losing a job, losing their freedom (jail time), or losing someone they love. These are the types of things that often make people contemplate what they want to do with the rest of their life. Often, as long as they are not forced to make a decission, they won't.
One book suggestion I have for you is "Codependent No More".
Take care,
-T
I will try and get that book. I know she is making bad decisions and to some extent has always had trouble making decisions of any kind.
Last week she was getting tickets for a concert for our boys and then asked me if wanted to go. I said I would love to go just to see what she would say.
She said ok, but we would have to keep it under wraps so her new boyfriend wouldnt find out. Almost like she was now having a secret meeting with her ex (me). Then she said that he is very threatend by me and that she doesnt want to start her relationship with him by telling lies.
Then she bounced it off him and he didnt like it so she recinded the invite. Comical almost if it wasnt so hurtful. I cant believe she is actually talking to me about her new relationship and how she doesnt want to start off with lies like im her girlfriend or something.
I told her not to worry about it but i still believe this girl is messed up and is going to get worse down the road.
She has lost so much integrity in our small town and is not allowed to bring him to family functions as some her family is disgusted by him and what they have done. She is allowed to go but not him.
The affair is no longer an affair in my mind, as he has left his wife and babies and his truck is now in her driveway out in the open. She has even introduced my youngest son to him and he is around more and more.
I am moving on and if this is saved somehow down the road, it would be a miracle. She has a long tough road ahead of her.
She was at our sons hockey game today and I coach it. Usually I dont look at her in the stands but today I did alot. She has lost a tonn of weight but is now looking a little haggard. She is still beautiful but for the first time, I looked at her at felt a little more sorry for her. Dont get me wrong, im still pissed at what she has done to our family but I believe that she is suffering alot.
She has this fake smile on and was cheering at times when it was not appropriate. I think she is on the boarder of being out of it most of the time. She was also chewing her gum frankly like a cow. She is not in a good place and I wonder if this will get worse for her.
I fully expect her boyfriend to move in by the end of next month as he is living above a cheap hotel for now but is always over there. She introduced him to our one son and he seemed out of sorts a little today at the game.
Our older son has little to do with her and she asked him to stay over night but he refused. I know this bothers her but not enought to stop doing what she is doing. She has basically traded our 15 year old in for a scumbag. I mentioned that to her once and she said it was my fault that her relationship with s15 is fractured because i could not lower my voice when i found out about OM via texts I found on her blackberry.
ITs a long story.
Good news is that she is ready to sign papers on legal sep ASAP where I am getting a fair settlement.
I still have a glimmer of hope of recon. but I am very cautious as I feel she really thinks she loves OM for some reason despite the long road they have ahead of them.
The dance contiues. She texted me this morning about the lawyer stuff and the sepearation and that she will try and get it done ASAP as per my request.
She told me she was caught off guard that I talked to her in the lobby of the arena and thanked me for doing so ; even though it was just lawyer stuff.
I know she wants me to talk to her and to be pleasant to her but that part is just about done.
She sent me another text talking about young son and his girlfriend. Making idle chit chat.
I did not respond to either text and I will not unless it is directly involved with the kids.
All you member that are reading my sitch. Do you think there is still hope even though she is pretty sure she is in love with the OM right now. She is mentally unstable for sure and may be bipolar and depressed.
She cheated in November 09 with this guy, came back to me in July /10 , ended her affair with him for two weeks than continued again until I caught her Oct /10.
They will be living together soon. How much is too much?
I fluctuate on that every other day. Sometimes I think that it is way beyond saving and other times I think there is still hope.
Especially when since January, she has asked me twice if it is too late to come back at some point down the road as I think she knows that her future with him is going to be a rocky one.
I know that Denver and True Gritter have some thoughts , I would love to hear them.
Having a down day today unfortunately.
NINE
BITS
Nine the hope is up to you! More of the same or try something new. I figure I will make myself happy and not worry what the wife does. You can't for your own sanity. Will she make better decisions, who knows. Live for you and be happy. That's all any of us can do in our crappy situations.
Hi Nine, my sympathy for what you're going through.
Given what you've said...it's inevitable that your W is on the road for a break of some sort. The weight loss, the mental confusion all point in that direction.
Your choice as I see it, is whether you're going to be around when that happens.
I'm going to have to face that choice too at some point. I think though, in my case my H has got a long way to go and can stay holed up and virtually isolated for quite some time.
All I can do is say I'm sorry you're having a bad day and commiserate with you. Try to get out and do something kind for yourself today. (((Nine)))
Thanks SW and S and C. It really is unpleasnat this limbo crap but you are both right. Its up to me to take as much control as i can. All things do point to a breakdown at some point but that could take months or even years. She said she was unhappy with me for years but never had to go through all the other stress that she is facing.
Her BIL hating her and not allowing her to go to his house thereby not allowing her to see her sister where she used to always go for a drink. Her older son not really responding to her because he cant believe what she has done and is doing.
These things must put tremendous stress on her. For that matter not having me to lean on as she has done for the last 20 years but I guess she has someone else to lean on and maybe all the stress they are going through together is makeing their relationship stronger. But that also cause it to be too much someday.
I am so confused. Obviously their relationship must end if there is ever to be hope for us again. Do i have the stones to wait it out while life passes by?
I know that I must GAL and try and be happy but I can see the writing on the wall. I dont think I will ever be trully happy without my family back. I really believe in the family unit and cannot believe my kids have to go through this. They are resilient but not really.
Cant wait for this winter to end so i can get back on my bike which saved me last time she left. I put on 8000km as a novice rider. It really helped me deal with this.
9
BITS
I am so confused. Obviously their relationship must end if there is ever to be hope for us again. Do i have the stones to wait it out while life passes by?
Hi 9.
First and foremost, you need to work on detaching... from the situation with your W. This will allow you to regain your balance emotionally so that you can think and make decisions with a clear head.
Second... have you read much on mid life crisis (MLC)? I would go over to that forum and do some reading... maybe even post your sitch there. Your sitch may fall under that more than it does a typical WAS scenario... You know the details, so only you can really make that call. I'm just going by what you have written here.
Ok... do you have the stones to wait this out? A question that none of us here, except for you, can answer 9. YOU control only you... not your W or anyone else... whether or not you can, or WANT to wait out your W's A is a call that only you can make.
Will the affair last? Who knows. I've read that most A's typically burn out within 6 months... but, even if true, that is only 'most'... again, no way to answer this question.
You have to decide what YOU want to do here 9. You say that you want your M even now... why?
Why does 9 still want his M after everything that has happened?
BITS
Denver
Zeng
Good advice from you to Nine. Nine, I don't mean to be rude here pal, but I do NOT get it. I am reeling from the pain of my wife's PA that I caught her in and we have been separated now for 5 months - she lives in another house. We talk about stuff and business, but NEVER about our R or the PA, she simply refuses to talk even one word about our R or a future, she cannot speak of it. So I give her space, for now, to try and figure out what she wants to do with her life and if that life includes a R with me. These are very VERY hard times for me, and I am all about DB and hate the concept of divorce, hate it.
That said, for me, if my W even had one contact with the OM, and I mean even one, the divorce would be on full steam and I would never retract from that. Knowing that my W slept with OM was painful enough - I don't know how anyone could stand for it knowing that your wife IS currently sleeping with another man -I don't get it. That is something I could never do in a billion years.
Just saying - for me, I could never stand for that.
when the bomb drops - here is one way to react
Jumping Jehoshaphat is a phrase that was used to remind people that when startling, unexpected, or troubling news come to you, you will remember to “jump” into GOD'S arms and allow HIM to take care of your problem. Just like Jehoshaphat the king of Judah did when there was such a vast army there looked to be no way of escape. Jehoshaphat and his people called on the LORD and HE took care of the problem in a way that no man could have. So remember when something comes your way that makes you shout “Jumping Jehoshaphat” GOD can be the answer to your problem.
First and Denver;
Thanks for the input. You guys are both well seasoned in this.
I dont know why I still feel so much love for my wife and want the marriage to work. I cant get over the feeling that she is in a situation that spiralled out of control for her and going by her mental state, doesnt know what she is doing.
Maybe she does and I have my head firmly up my A$$ but I cant give up for some reason. IDK if its because of my ego, cause I want our family back so bad or because I thought we would be married forever.
I too thought first that if my w even once screwed around it would be over in Chicago in a minute but thats not the case.
I dont want to take up with someone new and I certainly dont want to be raising someone elses children.
I am getting on better these days and as I have mentioned, when the weather gets better, I will be back on my bike and travelling around.
My W has Always been mixed up and admits to sabatogeing her own self destructive life. She has always had turmoil growing up and told me that she was not used to having Peace in her life.
I dont know, her dad did die a few years agon and she had so much resentment towards him that went unresolved.
Bottom line I guess is to get on with my life and be there for my boys. Get myself financially stable when the seperation agreement hopefully gets signed this week.
9
BITS
Nine
I wish you well in all your hopes and dreams my man, I truly do. I too never want to give up, and never will. I am not talking about "giving up" and I don't think that one spouse having an affair is THE nail in the proverbial marriage coffin - that is not my point. My point is the "continuation" of the affair - that is something completely different than "having had" an affair.
As Smokey the Bear so wisely said those many years ago "Only You can prevent Forest Fires", and Only You know the full circumstances of your sitch - ours are only comments of encouragement and well wishes to you. I only know this, I love my wife more than I ever knew imaginable, and she had an affair that literally ripped my very heart out and stomped on it. I still love her - actually I believe I love her more now than I ever have - so the affair does not kill the love.
I am doing DB every single hour of every single day and my heart's desire is that we will be able to build a marriage based upon God's love and His principals and live like we never have before in an abundant loving relationship - that is my hope and my prayer. I am on that path and will stay on that path. The ONLY thing that would get me off that path and move towards divorce, which I believe God hates - is if she continued to see the OM - that would be something that I would not, and could not, stand for. It would be over the day that happened here. That is just my situation, I am not suggesting that should be yours, merely reflecting on what mine is.
I wish you nothing but success and abundance Nine - it is not an easy road that any of us are on, not easy whatsoever.
Moving forward is what you make of it. Just because my moving forward will lead to divorce does not say that yours shall be the same. Nobody knows your story better than you! I know my story better than my wife. So focus on you and detatch. I love my wife but I can't stand the thought of her with the om, so why would any man put up with this stuff? I refuse and I will make myself happy! Heck I still wake up at 3:00am thinking of them doing lord knows what, I just start thinking about something different. It has been helping me deal with this crap.
I think about how great my kids are and is th actions of their mother teaching them the proper way of dealing with life? Heck no! I need to be the rock for them and myself. I will succeed end of story. I put my kids first and it gets your mind off of a bad thought. Some of the old timers might disagree but it seems to help me. I also think I am making better life decisions now.
Make yourself happy we all have it in us.
You are right about this sitch. I am the only one that can decide. Her moving on with the OM should be the nail in the coffin but again, I dont see her making the wisest moves in the world right now.
I would like the dust to settle and then decide what to do from there. He hasnt moved in yet but she does have a relationship with him for sure. He does stay over when my son isnt there and may be staying over when he is. I havent asked him since I dont want to stress him out. ( My son that is)
I know I am repeating myself but I am going forward and then seeing where things lie when and if she comes back. My therapist believes that someday she will come back when this relationship fizzles but she would come back for the wrong reasons.
Time to take a 2X4 across the head and realize that my marriage is over and may not be fixed ever.
Its a shame because we did have a good thing going , or at least thats what I thought along with countless others.
Nine and Seminole
You both have it so much harder than me that is for sure. I am fortunate in that the other man in this sitch does not live in this country - he travelled here on business on a regular basis and that is how they had their affair - he has not been back to my knowledge and my wife swears that she has not had any contact with him and has no desire to - she told me that the affair she had actually disgusted her and she is not attracted to him in the least - it was an "escape" from the challenges of our bad marriage, not a love for him sitch - so at least I don't have to deal with her being emotionally attached to him - at least that is what she tells me and I have to believe her on that, which I do.
That said, mine refuses to talk about a future with me and simply is incapable of moving forward in a positive manner - she is simply just stuck in a rut and will not go for counseling or even discuss the matter with me - its quite frustrating to be in this nightmare and the person who put you in it won't even talk. Not sure what to do at this point.
Semiole - good for you that you are being the best father that you can be - your kids will look back on this in years to come and know that you were there for them during this nightmare in their lives -that is a gift of life and love and it will last a lifetime for them.
When I wake up at 3:00 AM - and I do most nights actually - the only way I can get back to sleep and rest is to fall on God's word and His promise to me for a future with hope. I take my bible to my bed each night and my arms are around God's word and my hope lies only in Him - not in my wife. Two passages that get me thru those hard lonely frustrating nights are these
Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know what I have planned for you, says the Lord. I have plans to prosper you, not to harm you. I have plans to give you a future filled with hope"
and then
Psalms 4:8 "I will lie down and sleep in peace , for you alone O Lord, will keep me safe"
I then pray for my wife's healing and for her to have her heart soften and to seek peace for us as a couple. That allows me to sleep in peace.
I wish you both God's peace in your lives and in your futures
Hey BITS
Just letting you know that there is nothing to report for the past few days. Last contact was at the arena when I asked her about Legal issues and she responded the next day via texts that she was happy and appreciative that I talked to her at the arena instead of ignoring ; which is what I usually do.
Question: If i ignore her, it really bothers her and she seems to take notice but not sure if that is working for DBing
If I talk to her, doesn't that validate her relationship with OM like Im OK with it and her decision to leave our family for him.
IM so confused today. Im having such strong feelings of missing her and wondering WHY this all happened and trying to make sense of why she is with this lowlife man that she is with.
Its driving me NUTS today, way more than ususal and I dont know why.
HELP!!!
I wish I could help more, all I can is I understand EXACTLY what you are going through.
I know you have read my sitch, and we have talked about how I am dealing with it. IMO, being friendly when you do interact, is not validating her actions, it is simply showing her you are a good person, and a strong person.
I think the tough question here, is how much are you willing to put up with, and for how long. That is what I battle with. No easy answer for me.
I know you're anxious, wondering what to do.
You're doing great " ignoring" her.
Detach, remember. Don't get sucked into her drama. Go dim, not totally dark. Be friendly, considerate and kind, but don't go out of your way to do it. You want her to come to you.
I so empathise where you are today. I started to get into that negative thought pattern of devaluing myself because of the actions and apparent attitudes of my H.
I stopped. You are a person of worth and value.
Your wife can't see it because she doesn't value herself right now.
You see who she really is, you love who she really is. You're willing to do the work and time.
Breathe, focus, you're doing ok.
Ninelives, take it easy. Take some deep breaths.
You i try this technique when crazy thoughts enter my head. It works sometimes. I imagine a red stoplight blinking and a loud buzzer. It is a sign for me to voluntarily shift my thinking to something else. walk out. stare at something. get coffee. anything to shift your focus. Try it.
There will be days when some of these feelings really hit you hard. Nothing will make sense. When that happens, just try to shift your focus. When you are feeling a little better, then try to think on your decision to ignore her or engage.
I would say both. When my wife calls and if i have a feeling she's calling to discuss 'her legal issues', i dont answer. I call her back in an hour or two. I feel if she wants all this then let her wait. But if i have feeling it might be related to my daughter, i try to pick it up. How do i differentiate, i just guess. I never make it a point to always pick up whenever she calls. That shows you are just waiting on her. Just my 2c
Ahhhh the BITS come through:
Thank You , all of you. I cant explain this down time today and why I am feeling it so hard. I do miss her dearly and just want to talk to her but I KNOW its not the right thing.
Its difficult to know that when she is feeling this way, she can talk to her boyfriend and he is the one that is making her feel better about the situation.
It JUST DOESNT MAKE SENSE. For almost twenty years we were there for each other. She was the one I went to and I for her.
Do they just forget that? Like i mentioneded earlier, she told a mutual friend of ours that she is not sure if she is doing the right thing but then Im sure buddy boy makes her see that he left is wife and that they are in love and nothing else matters.
Thanks Again BITS, I am blessed to be part of this club that was a god send. I still think that my marriage is ultimately doomed and I do believe that one day she will wake up from the fog but that will be too late.
I wonder how many of WAW;s do eventaully wake up to the destruction they have caused and trully regret their decisions.
I guess we will never Know and that is what makes it even more frustrating.
Peace to every one.
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BTW, Had a real tough time teaching my classes today. Even apologized to one of them. I am a poplular teacher at my school and the kids are really cool with me and have been real supportive when they see me in a down mode.
I was on stress leave for almost 3 months and still have trouble facing the students at times but I do appreciate the fact that they dont go for the juggler when they smell weakness.
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Ahhhh the BITS come through:
Thank You , all of you. I cant explain this down time today and why I am feeling it so hard. I do miss her dearly and just want to talk to her but I KNOW its not the right thing.
Thesse feelings hit in waves. I can't tell you how often in the last week I've cried or felt worthless because of the whole situation.
Its difficult to know that when she is feeling this way, she can talk to her boyfriend and he is the one that is making her feel better about the situation.
You are making a HUGE assumption here.
It JUST DOESNT MAKE SENSE. For almost twenty years we were there for each other. She was the one I went to and I for her.
Do they just forget that? Like i mentioneded earlier, she told a mutual friend of ours that she is not sure if she is doing the right thing but then Im sure buddy boy makes her see that he left is wife and that they are in love and nothing else matters.
They remember all the negative, not the positive. Not the happy times, not he birth of your children, not the hours you spent on the phone when you were dating. So yes they do forget. They associate you with pain and discomfort, never mind YOU aren't the source of it. You contributed to their own feelings of lack of self esteem and value in your behaviour and words, certaintly, but YOU ARE NOT THE SOURCE.
Thanks Again BITS, I am blessed to be part of this club that was a god send. I still think that my marriage is ultimately doomed and I do believe that one day she will wake up from the fog but that will be too late.
Henry Ford said this: "Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right."
If you believe your marriage is doomed...it is. Time to reevaluate that thought I think.
You don't know what is possible and what isn't. Why limit yourself that way?
I wonder how many of WAW;s do eventaully wake up to the destruction they have caused and trully regret their decisions.
I guess we will never Know and that is what makes it even more frustrating.
Peace to every one.
Namaste
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ninelives, Id say look at every positive step no matter how small, as big step for you. You need to be proud and feel strong that you are moving even with all this hell placed on you. You know standing in a classroom full of kids and teaching them is no easy task. You have to give yourself some credit.
The more you move ahead, the better you'll feel. It's easy for me to say. I understand. I am in a similar boat and there are times i just wanna give and crawl into a hole. But then i try to remind myself that i need to do this for my daughter so that she can look up to me one day and be proud. I need to do this for people who still love me(my parents) and importantly i need to do this if i need to show my W what she's missing out.
Great post Scylla, I can especially relate to thinking about what they are doing or saying, and realize how crazy that is. All we are doing is making silly assumptions that could be the furthest thing from the truth. We don't know. I can sometimes try to completely reverse those assumptions. Imagine them having a terrible time together, fighting, crying, just even bored.
It can put a smile on my face.
Breathe and pray, nine. There are really times like this in your sitch. Distract yourself, go for a drive, have a good cry.
Remember that DB is not over after the divorce. Sometimes the WAS needs to see what is on the other side, needs to miss the LBS, in order to see the light and come back.
Thanks Angel:
Had a better distraction tonight than crying. Started playing drums about 3 years ago but stagnated in my ability.
Went to another drum lesson tonight and it was awesome. It is almost impossible to concentrate on WAS BS when you are trying to count beats and other things. I know that the musicians on this forum will have a chuckle as the drummer is the lowest species in the pecking order but I think I need this for now.
Hardly thought about her at all for the hour I was in there.
I highly recommend to all YOu DBers out there to continue to get a life and try different things like this to get your mind off the soap opera once in awhile.
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That's great 9! I love the drums, I have messed around with them in the past when a friend and my brother had sets. I know just enough to know how little I know!
On the same note (get it?) I just signed up for guitar lessons. My experience with guitar is about the same as the drums. All I have known were the same 6 chords for the last 10+ years. Time to actually take it somewhere.
Country, we will be jamming and picking up the chicks and the WAWS will be a distant memory. Good on you for the guitar. My oldest son plays and thankfully, likes the old time rock.
Thats the stuff though, getting out there and getting a life rather than just wondering what W is doing.
Great Stuff Country
Damn straight, I already put in an order for some leather pants and a shirt with no buttons.
Ok, this is now day 4 of no contact. No text, she did call twice to talk to sons but that was it. And its having a reverse effect on me because I am missing her like crazy. WTF.. The no contact is what I want but when I get it, its like a reverse DB working on me as I wonder what she is doing.
Will this crap never stop. The drum lesson did help yesterday and I am looking forward to practicing, but my sons are not , however my s10 has a hockey game tonight and she is usually there for them. She is still with OM but I dont know how much contact they have.
I know OM , spends time with the family he left as he has two very young kids. My S10 told me that when he drops over, its not for long when she has him part time but I can assume that when S10 isnt there, he is over all the time.
How much more of this am I willing to take before I just say; " Okay, if this is the guy you want to be with then have at her!"
Im not exaggerating when people find out who this guy is that she left me for they actually cringe. One guy wouldnt even believe me when I told him. He said if you want to make up stupid stories than you dont have to tell me.
Another person said that she must be really pissed at me to be dating this guy.
I guess that is the part that I am really having the most difficulty with. How can she be with this loser? How can he be replacing me in her heart. My therapist told me that you are not in her heart and thats why it was available to be given away to another man. OUCH but I guess it rings true.
She says she wanted out of the marriage for years and I think that I must believe her but cant we have a new marriage?
I wish I could get a handle on what I really want. I think I really want my wife back but only if she loves me.
Feeling down again today, RATS!!!!!!!
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The no contact is what I want but when I get it, its like a reverse DB working on me
9 I know exactly what you mean. It has only been 4 days. IMO this is too soon to begin to evaluate this action. I was dark for 2 weeks then saw a couple of small positives. There are others here that have gone longer. Give your action more time then evaluate, don’t react.
Sometimes I worry that I am being DB'ed or that the resource W is using advises "Just give him time to accept your decision, he'll eventually see your wisdom"
I guess that is the part that I am really having the most difficulty with. How can she be with this loser? How can he be replacing me in her heart. My therapist told me that you are not in her heart and thats why it was available to be given away to another man. OUCH but I guess it rings true.
I say again. She can be with this loser, because she doesn't value HERSELF. She is accetping crumbs because right now it's more than she was getting in her perception. Eventually those crumbs won't be enough. Wait for that ...be the banquet she's been longing for.
Thanks SC and JS.
I think you might be right but then there is the possiblity that she actually is in love with him as this has been going on for a year now in some capacity. Even when she came back to me, she wanted to be with him.
Had to drive by her house today on the way to my therapy ( no choice as the only road goes by her house) and his truck was in the driveway. Immediately took a shot to the heart.
I want to detach and mean it but I fear that to really get her out of my heart will take some time and I dont think there is any rushing it.
CRAP
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Thanks SC and JS.
I think you might be right but then there is the possiblity that she actually is in love with him as this has been going on for a year now in some capacity. Even when she came back to me, she wanted to be with him.
The thing is, in the first two years of a love relationship your brain lights up like it's on heroin.
That in and of itself is unsustainable over the long haul.
You know this. You've been there yourself at least once, right? You also know that reality bites...and hard after those two years! Then the real work of relationship begins because the day to day monotony of life interferes, and doubly so for someone divorced with all the complications that can entail!
Had to drive by her house today on the way to my therapy ( no choice as the only road goes by her house) and his truck was in the driveway. Immediately took a shot to the heart.
OWowow! Yeah I feel you.
I want to detach and mean it but I fear that to really get her out of my heart will take some time and I dont think there is any rushing it.
Do you really want to get her out of your heart, or do you want to love her unconditionally and let her make this mistake? Do you love her enough to let those rosy contact lenses get scratchy and irritating?
Look dude, I've been waffling ever since I got here between throwing in the towel and hoping and working against the odds.
With what Bolt, Denver, Jack and others have written, I now know what my values are. What defines love for me.
I respect the convenant I made, the vows I took. I love my H, I always will. I love my kids enough to keep trying until there is nothing for me to do about it.
I now know what I stand for. Despite the anguish, the sadness, and the sorry state of how he has treated me and how I treated him, I still feel warmly affectionate toward him often.
What are your core values my friend? What do you honor in yourself? What do you stand for? What defines your personal integrity and your definition of what love is?
CRAP
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There is no rushing it, don't try. Just keep on truckin', nothing else we can do.
Sat. Hockey developments. Imagine that , a hockey post from a guy in Canada, can you get more cliche.
Son had game today and she was working so she wasnt there. Found out today that she is back to work but on a rehab schedule because she was in the mental hospital 4 months ago. So they are gradually getting her back to a 12 houre shift.
Anyway, My BIL took me and S10 to game because my car is in the shop. When it rains it pours right. Her mother and SIL were also there. Everybody except for her. We all decided to go for lunch between games and it was like old times. The gatherings for the past 17 years with the same people except for my wife. IT was surreal for me escpecially since my SIL and I havent always seen eye to eye for a long time.
What was really strange was the MIL and me split a clubhouse sandwhich. I coach and it was cold today on the bench so SIL gives me her scarf. AFter game, I talk to MIL and she actually gives me a hug and says it was great to see me again honey. HONEY? She never once called me an endearing name the entire time I was married to her daughter. I wondered if she (MIL) is actually missing me and seeing that I wasnt such a bad guy. Maybe she regrets some of our silly misunderstandings in the past and wishes her daughter didn't take up with a loser.
Hard to say but it felt wierd. Still no contact with W for going on a week tomorrow.
Another day almost done.
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Well here is the fall out I suppose from haveing lunch with her family. I suspected it was going to bother her. She starts with the usual small talk but this is the first contact I have had with her in a week in the forum of a text.
What time are you bringing (S10) to me? Please send pants, sweatshirts, socks,etc. SChool bag. When are the play off games?
Would you consider coming for (s10) bday dinner on March 3?
Well nevermind. It is too soon probably. Glad you were able to go out and have lunch on Saturday. Wondering how that would how that would have played out if i wasnt working and could go. Guees i am always going to be ostricized by my own family. I bet everyone was relieved i wasnt there.
If i sound immature, i dont mean to be. Just thinking too much, Sorry.
I did not respond to this text. Then an hour later, She sends me another saying that she hopes I had a good week with S10 and S15.
I have to now give up S10 for the week and he has told me that my W has introduced the OM as her Boyfriend. Isnt that pretty much telling me that its over between me and her and any hope of Recon is pretty much done?
Feeling a little down today.
9BITS
hEY bits, ANY INPUT?
9 bits
Just called her a little while ago.
I texted her because I was unsure if she was going to bring our son to another hockey game tonight. She has him starting yesterday.
I said i assume that you are bringing him to the game.
She responded with you assume correct.
I responded: than I suppose an affirmative response is warrented to that former assumption.
She responds: Are you Dr spock now
Me: the child dr or the vulcaan
Her: the vulcaan
Her: Is the athletic competition at 1900 hours.
She is trying to engage in some light humor as I guess she misses that part of our relationship which was always good.
I didnt respond and further engage. I dont think I will be her friend and joke around while she is in a relationship with another guy.
I called her this morning at work and I was a little miffed that she made no provesions for me to se our son for his birthday. As I mentioned,she wanted to have a birthday dinner with all of us, then recinded that invite because I didnt respond to it right away.
She is back to asking if we can have dinner as a family. I dont think that I should because this would be way to difficult for me to do so and then she go back to having sex with her boyfriend. I think she would be cake eating at this point.
I am really mixed up right now and would really love to have some input.
PLEASE HELP
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BTW, i ended the call the first time when I called and she called back just a little whie ago in absolute tears and really wants to have this dinner thing with our family and for our youngest birthday
She said that why cant we do this for our son and i said, because when you walked away and decided to end our family, these are the type of things you need to be aware of. You ended our relationship and therefore ended the family.
You cant have it both ways, she then said that I was only thinking about myself and not our son by not complying.
She said it would be good for all of us if we could be civil to each other and have dinners for special occasions and the like.
I again , said no, that it would not be a good idea.
She contiued to cry very hard and I told her to please stop crying and she couldn't . This was something that she always did when we had disagreements. But this time I stuck firm.
Am I doing the right thing? She is not with me, she is with anothet man. How can she expectt me to just forget that while we play happy family. Isnt that also giving the kids mixed messages.
She asked me why I had an angry tone to my voice and I said because there are other things going on in my life besides you.
and its true, I did get into a little trouble at school as I was having a little anxiety attack and walked out of my Phys Ed class which was outside and wouldnt you know it , a fight broke out. Its nothing major but another stressor.
She wanted to know what kind of trouble I was in and I told her that she didnt need to know.
Then I heard her text message go off in the background and I told her that she had more important things to deal with and that she better answer her text.
9Bits
You cant have it both ways, she then said that I was only thinking about myself and not our son by not complying.
I dont meant to hijack your thread, but i'd love to hear from the vets what they think here. My W threw a similar line at me. I did not know how to respond. Hell we are about to be divorced in about a week and my W acts like we're still married. How do you respond, knowing very well that if you say no, W could take it to mean that you don't care for your child. And if you say yes, then you could be playing to her tune.
I am a far cry from a vet here, but I will weigh in with MO. I don’t understand the whole “I reject us and our relationship, but we can be friends forever” delusion. IMO this only delays the pain of the breakup for the spouse expounding it. That said never be mean spirited or vindictive in your communication. Be calm, rational, focused, and as kind as possible without compromising your principals.
IMO, your children and your emotions for them are being used. This should never ever be allowed to continue from either spouse.
IMO, your children need to hear you tell them how much you love and respect them. Your children need to see you demonstrating your love and respect for them. Your children need to see love and respect for your spouse during a healthy relationship. Most of us are not here with a healthy relationship. Your children do not need to see either of you being manipulated negatively or taken advantage of. JMO, take it with grains of salt.