Ok me and my wife have been separated for about 4 months. I did all the begging, pleading and calling u name it i did it. Well we talked Sunday and we got into another argument she sent me a text after our conversation saying see this is just proof you have not changed. I emailed her Michelle's video on waw and she said she watched it and it made her think but didn't change things. She continually brings up bad points in our marriage and rightfully so. She ended the conversation saying i just need to suck it up and move on that she has been telling me this for months. Does anyone think i should try to get her to read michelles book or just let it be for the time being.
I'm pretty sure the advice that you are going to get is NO. I think most people feel that the DB and DR are for you to work on making changes in yourself.
By having them watch the WAW video or reading the book, it just puts pressure on them.
When she decides she wants to work on the marriage that may be the time to introduce the books to her. But she has to come to it on her own.
Of course, I could be wrong. I know in my case, I hid the book from my W and still have it hidden.
Ditto on what Harrier said! The book is for you only. It's your gameplan, it's your support. Sharing it will only make her feel like you're trying to manipulate her and not change.
What are your changes? Your 180's?
I keep backsliding but my 180's are to be more positive with her, do not assume things she is doing, dont analyze her every move and stop saying cruel things to her every time we talk.
she says i always say cruel things and thats why she no longer answers me.
just scared i have pushed her to far away with my behavior the three months we have been seperated.
Are you still living together?
Do you have another thread? Not much info above to advise on.
Take a deep breath. DON'T call her, text her, etc until you get yourself together. If that takes days, weeks or months then sobeit. Better to have good contact or no contact at all than bad contact.
Make a list of all you did wrong that didn't work and all you did right. Take the list of the wrongs and beside them, write alternatives to that behavior so you can do better next time. You said you've been doing all the wrong stuff for the past few months... then stop doing it.
No Hope we are separated have been for 4 months seems like for years.
Ok this is my plan i am going to stop initiating any contact with her unless she contacts me. Second when she does im going to be upbeat and agree with her. Third im going to stop worrying about what she is doing live my life take care of my son and stop accusing her of being with another man, for some reason that infuriates her.
also going to stop saying hateful thinks to her and talking to her friends about us.
Its gonna be hard but this is the only way. Just feel like the less i talk to her the further we move apart. But i know this is about fixing me.
hope i was reading you situation. let me tell u people say trust ur gut feeling in a relationship i can tell u from personal experience do not trust ur gut with ur spouse. i did and ended up looking like a fool every single time. your mind will play tricks on u and i was wrong every single time
I have pushed her to the point she will not even answer any of my text messages. i have got to do this if it isn't already to late
john,
This is essentially the same post you listed when you first got on here several months ago. You haven't learned anything. You continue to poke and prod your W. You haven't dealt with your anger and insecurity issues. And then you keep wondering why she's not even responding back to your texts.
Leave her alone.
"stop accusing her of being with another man, for some reason that infuriates her."
Let's get real here. You were the one who had the affair and it's your insecurities that made you think she was seeing another guy before. You constantly bothered and checked up on her when you were having your side salad and you're still doing it.
Go back and start realizing your faults and change those. You sending your W the videos etc. you're telling her that she needs to change. She doesn't. YOU DO.
Bond your right believe me i know, just very difficult but i will do it
well she just text me again about divorce. i nicely told her i was working on myself and would not be a part of destroying our family. if she wanted a divorce i wouldn't fight her but would not be an active participant.
What specifically did she text?
she ask if i would agree to minimal child support and extended visitation again
well she just text me again about divorce. i nicely told her i was working on myself and would not be a part of destroying our family. if she wanted a divorce i wouldn't fight her but would not be an active participant.
Nice work John.
she has been asking the same question for three months but hasn't filed anything.
So why don't you answer? Eventually she's going to get a L to see if she can get what she wants now.
what should i tell her i told her if she wanted one get it that i wasnt going to fight her
hope i was reading you situation. let me tell u people say trust ur gut feeling in a relationship i can tell u from personal experience do not trust ur gut with ur spouse. i did and ended up looking like a fool every single time. your mind will play tricks on u and i was wrong every single time
I've been wrong 50% of the time. I'm learning to slowly stop reacting and start thinking longer before I respond. Has helped tremendously in my sitch.
well she just text me again about divorce. i nicely told her i was working on myself and would not be a part of destroying our family. if she wanted a divorce i wouldn't fight her but would not be an active participant.
Stop trying to make her feel guilty. Be honest with yourself - you were a part in destroying your family the minute you cheated. You're a part every single time you say something negative to her. You're a part every time you crowd her, beg her, put her down, lay a guilt trip on her. "working on myself and would not be a part of destroying our family" is a very manipulative thing to say. Do you know why? (that's a serious question... trying to help you here).
john,
This is essentially the same post you listed when you first got on here several months ago. You haven't learned anything. You continue to poke and prod your W. You haven't dealt with your anger and insecurity issues. And then you keep wondering why she's not even responding back to your texts.
Leave her alone.
"stop accusing her of being with another man, for some reason that infuriates her."
Let's get real here. You were the one who had the affair and it's your insecurities that made you think she was seeing another guy before. You constantly bothered and checked up on her when you were having your side salad and you're still doing it.
Go back and start realizing your faults and change those. You sending your W the videos etc. you're telling her that she needs to change. She doesn't. YOU DO.
I agree with Bond. I haven't read all your posts from 4 months ago but I can see your knee-jerk responses and that you're reacting big time. You can say "you were wrong", etc until you're blue in the face but actions speak louder than words. You're in pain, that's understandable.... but you're depending on her to FIX your pain, agree to make up and make you happy again. Sorry, John, it doesn't work that way. You made a huge mistake and you're compounding it. WHY would she want to come back to that? Love? When you keep pushing her? It doesn't matter what she feels/felt... she's going to RUN to avoid being in the same situation she left.
Is it hopeless? No. Will she change her mind and come back to you? Probably not. Not the guy you are right now. You have once chance - you have to work on YOU. You have to change. NOT to win her back - but for you. Because if you learn nothing from your mistakes, you are doomed to repeat them, in relationship after relationship and often blaming the other people for not being able to forgive you. Become a good man that no one would want to leave. Be kind, support, honest, loyal, considerate, loyal, true, patient, confident, full of integrity. Behave and conduct yourself like that man that you want to be and guess what? You'll become that man.
Now, get to work. Make some lists. Start digging deep. Go to C if you're not already. Actions speak louder than words.
well what should have been my response, sure ill agree to your terms
would look i don't want a divorce but i understand your feelings and wont stand in you way. i will agree to whatever terms are least troubling for you
John, nothing moves that quick with divorce. From just your few posts I can confident ally say that you need to take a week of no contact to figure yourself out. One more text to say, I'll get back to you on that." and then no more. Leave her alone...even if she texts you. Just figure yourself out. Make a list of what you would like to improve about yourself and then start with other people...friends, coworkers, and strangers. You've crowded her out so bad that you need a chance to reverse things. Your response if she wonders is that you have been busy
John,
Do you want to agree to her terms? Telling her that you won't stand in her way for a divorce is good. But do you like the terms that she is proposing. Because if you don't, I wouldn't be agreeing to them.
LIS
Phoenix your right i have crowed her and pushed her, hell i did go a week without texting her and she began to ask friends have they heard from me. just gotta get the will power to stop pushing her.
lostscared no i dont agree with her terms
Then, under no circumstances, do you agree with the terms. You can agree to divorce, but you need to make sure that you express what you want your terms to be.
Phoenix is right. You do need to find the will power to stop pushing. It's easier said than done so I'm not lecturing. What are you doing to get out of the house and get away from this situation?
Im out of the house we have been separated for over 3 months
I'm sorry, I mean what are you doing to get out of where you are living right now and GALing? I like to ask that of a lot of people because it gives me ideas.
well ive consumed myself in my work and friends and my children. i also spend time coaching little league athletics and weight training.
well second day of going dark. feels good for some reason cant explain it dont feel like i need her anymore maybe im detaching.
i do need a question answered though our 12th wedding anniversary is coming up next week. should i send flowers and a card or just act as if it is another day?
Is she hostile towards you? If so, then I wouldn't send anything. If you're on friendly terms with her, a basic card with no "I Love YOu's" is good enough.
yea i would say she is hostile right now cause of the things ive said.
i say hostile, meaning she wouldn't return any text messages before i went dark.
Sunday was out last contact and she sent me a text after the call saying see the things u say only proves you haven't changed.
Then I wouldn't do anything. Just lay off for awhile and stop bugging her.
Mr. Bond seems you were right again i ask a couple of my girlfriends and they said no that it will just show she still has u under her power and will show weakness and seem pushy.
update!!!!!!!! well she calls me and says the divorce papers are ready so i ask her where they are that i will go pick them up. she tells me the attorney who is some 99 dollar divorce attorney. i go get them and find out she hasn't paid him and no papers have been drawn up only a complain. i take the complaint to my attorney which i had to pay a 5,000 retainer fee. and she responds to my w attorney saying we would be subpoenaing all of her phone, text, email, and Facebook information. and that he had till next fri to file or we would be. my w starts texting me last night saying she doesn't hate me and that she has given me a million chances and she is tired of trying. she the says i care about you and always will u are the father of our little boy i just cant live with you. i said fine do what u have to do and i was sorry