In April we will have been married 4 years.
We have no kids. I am 24 and my wife is 25.
Long long story short, I think I have a WAW coupled with two affairs. My wife is also currently deployed to Afghanistan, and gets home in about two months.
Short story longer:
I was a video game addict. I have a strong desire to be the best in whatever I set my mind to, and to do so in video games you have to put in the time to practice. I spent more time playing on the computer than spending with my wife and it made her feel worthless. Like I loved a video game more than her. I of course know otherwise, but as one of the principal points of this site/book state: it's the actions that matter.
Both of us are in the military, and I deployed to Afghanistan about Feb last year, and during that time she didn't have any friends. So she went on a group motorcycle ride put on by a local forum, and met a guy. She had an affair with him. I returned from Afghanistan in late May, and it was still continuing but I knew something was different about my wife. My wife volunteered for a deployment to Afghanistan, and the training started in July.
I knew we were having a tough time in our marriage, and I really felt like she was running away and not giving me a chance. She left for training at the beginning of July, and met another male. They began their affair, and the first guy rode down to spend time with Julie, found out about the other guy, and "broke up."
My wife came back from training, completely different. Ie. massive life changes. She was completely secretive about everything, she was always on her phone, she even started smoking. She hated smokers. So two days after her being back, I blew up. "What is going on?" her reply "I don't want to do this anymore." "What do you mean?" "I don't want to be married anymore." and I proceeded to break down. Two days later I found out about her affair through text messages on her phone.
Since then I have been trying to be the loving husband that I think would win her back.
I completely quit video games in Sept, deleted all of them in November and made a Facebook post about it. (but didn't ask my wife about if she had read it or not, I know she had to have). This change I made for me, I actually joined the Air Force to give them up, but it took me 5 years and the threat of divorce to make me go through with it. I'm proud of myself for making it happen though.
Her mother, as well as my own both know about the affair (singular). I only recently found out about the first guy, because he approached me two weeks ago and said "Yea, sorry. I lied to you. <Wife> and I did have sex." So I've confided in my Mom about that, not her's.
I have received extremely limited contact with my wife, two phone calls since she left in Sept. Her last email to me was in Nov, when I told her that our mothers knew and it said "If I had even been thinking of making it work, you just killed it." I exposed it based upon some advice from others, and was expecting her to say that.
We chat a few times a week, but I have been mostly successful about not bringing up the relationship, although I slip about once a month when my emotions take over. Lately our chatting has been better, the conversations are more two ways.
So my questions to y'all:
What should I do? (see what I did there?)
She is deployed, and I am having trouble setting up some 1-2 week goals to measure success by. What could be some goals for me?
Begin by reading Divorce Remedy.
Wow no replies. What does that mean?
Thank you for the reply, that book is actually what brought me to this website.
I am having a difficult time figuring out where to start.
The only goal I can come up with is to get her to send me an email. I need more goals.
As far as techniques go, I was curious as to how to proceed. The first one I come to is "do something different."
Based on advice from others, I send my wife a daily email saying pretty much "Here is something that happened today, I miss you, I'm thinking about you. I love you." Occasionally I'll purposefully not send it, the idea being that she will wonder whats up and think about me. The person that suggested it said "getting you in her head is a good thing."
Now this is where I question goals. I have been doing this for about two months now, and I have actually noticed our conversations improving. She has even referenced some of the emails, but I really don't think she reads all of them.
Is this a good or bad practice?
The other question I am pondering is if I'm at the "extreme" to which I should resort to the LRT.
Hi What--
I want to thank you for serving and for your wife's service in the military.
I'm glad you are goal and solution oriented, it will serve you well even though they are hard to set.
How often is your wife responding to your emails? What are the conversations like?
I'm glad you found us, 'What' (feel like I'm playing 'who's on first'). Don't get discouraged by 'full moderation' posts which make things go slow. It will soon go more quickly.
Folks here care and are here to help you. You are not alone.
Thank you for the reply, that book is actually what brought me to this website.
I am having a difficult time figuring out where to start.
The only goal I can come up with is to get her to send me an email. I need more goals.
As far as techniques go, I was curious as to how to proceed. The first one I come to is "do something different."
Based on advice from others, I send my wife a daily email saying pretty much "Here is something that happened today, I miss you, I'm thinking about you. I love you." Occasionally I'll purposefully not send it, the idea being that she will wonder whats up and think about me. The person that suggested it said "getting you in her head is a good thing."
Now this is where I question goals. I have been doing this for about two months now, and I have actually noticed our conversations improving. She has even referenced some of the emails, but I really don't think she reads all of them.
Is this a good or bad practice?
The other question I am pondering is if I'm at the "extreme" to which I should resort to the LRT.
Go back to DR and read the LRT chapter. When are we suppose to implement LRT? Is that your sitch? If so, you need to stop sending emails telling her that you miss her or that you love her. That is pursuing. A no no in LRT.
If your first goal is to get her to email you, you might consider going dark for a period. Maybe 2 or 3 weeks. See if this piques her curiosity. BTW, I do think that this is a good beginning goal, but you might phrase it that your goal is to get her to contact you. A phone call would be better???
She needs to wonder what is going on with you for a change...
You're welcome sgctxok.
My wife has never responded to my emails, she just mentioned the content of some of them. For example, in one of them I said that I was having a rough day. Then the next day when I chatted with her, she asked why I was having a rough day.
Our conversations are very limited, and just small talk. Basically how our day went. She'll tell me a little bit about work, and how the people there drive her nuts because they are lazy. I'll listen and try to be empathetic. The other night when trying to compliment her, I ended up coming across as lecturing and she ended the conversation saying "You know why I don't tell you have I really feel about <insert non-important item>, I don't want the lecture from you that follows."
Conversation with her is something that I struggle with, I want to delve into "Come back, it'll be different, look at what has already changed, I forgive you, etc" so badly that I struggle with keeping a normal conversation. It's like we have nothing to really talk about other than the cats and how our day went.
Thank you for the welcome, and I'm glad you mentioned the "full moderation." It was indeed discouraging.
Thank you for the reply, that book is actually what brought me to this website.
I am having a difficult time figuring out where to start.
The only goal I can come up with is to get her to send me an email. I need more goals.
As far as techniques go, I was curious as to how to proceed. The first one I come to is "do something different."
Based on advice from others, I send my wife a daily email saying pretty much "Here is something that happened today, I miss you, I'm thinking about you. I love you." Occasionally I'll purposefully not send it, the idea being that she will wonder whats up and think about me. The person that suggested it said "getting you in her head is a good thing."
Now this is where I question goals. I have been doing this for about two months now, and I have actually noticed our conversations improving. She has even referenced some of the emails, but I really don't think she reads all of them.
Is this a good or bad practice?
The other question I am pondering is if I'm at the "extreme" to which I should resort to the LRT.
Go back to DR and read the LRT chapter. When are we suppose to implement LRT? Is that your sitch? If so, you need to stop sending emails telling her that you miss her or that you love her. That is pursuing. A no no in LRT.
If your first goal is to get her to email you, you might consider going dark for a period. Maybe 2 or 3 weeks. See if this piques her curiosity. BTW, I do think that this is a good beginning goal, but you might phrase it that your goal is to get her to contact you. A phone call would be better???
She needs to wonder what is going on with you for a change...
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
As per your advice I have re-read the chapter. (many times actaully lol) and I do fit the criteria that she is said in no uncertain terms that she wants to get a divorce. Well strangely enough she has never actually said the word divorce, but she has said that she wants to end it and doesn't want to work on it.
The rest of the criteria I don't know about, due to her being deployed. Our communication is limited by distance and terrible communication capabilities. Physical contact, yea don't really have to explain that one. But she has not filed, I don't know if this is because she is gone or she is still uncertain. There are so many unknowns while she isn't actually here.
Because of her being deployed I am hesitant to implement the LRT. She currently has no opportunity to see changes take place in me, which from what I understand is a large part of the LRT. Care packages are also far more important than most people think. Having been deployed multiple times that care packages are a HUGE boost, no matter who they are from. LRT would mean no more care packages (no gifts). I am scared that at this time that would do more harm than good.
What do y'all think?
Is fear clouding my judgment, or do I have a valid point?
Is fear clouding your judgment? Possibly. Certainly, your sitch is unique due to your W's deployment.
How often do you email your W, again?
Does she respond?
If no, when was the last time that she did?
Does she initiate contact of any kind?
How often do you send care packages?
How long is W's deployment?
Has W told you where she plans to live when she returns?
The question is whether or not you are pursuing and pressuring your W with what you are doing now. I agree that seeing your changes is more difficult with her deployment, but I think that it is still possible. IF you can get to a point where she is initiating contact, you can slowly move into friendly back and forth contact. I think that it is possible that she will be able to 'see' your changes through your communication, how you talk to her, what you say to her... But I think that we need to figure out where you are exactly in the steps...
[edited by dbmod, anti-marriage, anti-DB advice]
New here; how do I start my own post or thread or whatever?
Opie
How often do you email your W, again?
I did daily. Haven't for 3 days now.
Does she respond?
No.
If no, when was the last time that she did?
She hasn't.
Does she initiate contact of any kind?
If I go about a week without saying anything to her, she will start a chat with me.
How often do you send care packages?
Last one was for Christmas.
How long is W's deployment?
Its for 6 months, and she gets back at the beginning of April, possibly mid april.
Has W told you where she plans to live when she returns?
No, she says she wants to return and then move back to the east coast for Fall semester. She hasn't told me her plans up to that point.
But I think that we need to figure out where you are exactly in the steps...
I agree, we generally have a friendly back and forth, but usually with me initiating.
Let me ask you something...how would you trust her again? What if you had a couple kids with her then she chose to cheat again? Do you feel your video gaming gave her carte Blanche to submarine the marriage?
I think "okay, but what is the long term outlook? What do you lose by walking away?"
If you improve yourself and she doesn't notice and want the new you...why do you want her?
I'm not sure on the trust thing. I think its something that will take a long time to rebuild, but eventually I think I can.
No I don't think video gaming gives her a pass to do whatever, but I do feel quite a bit of my own guilt for her not wanting to remain married.
I think its necessary for me to feel like I have made every last effort that I am capable of to save my marriage, partially from my own views on divorce. Partially from knowing that every relationship goes through a really tough time (mine might be a little extreme). And partially from really and truly loving her.
If I do improve myself, and she doesn't want the new me, or the old me, or any me. I think I will have to give up. I truthfully love being with her, I always told people that I married my best friend. I don't know, I can't describe exactly why I want to try to make it work, its a whole combination of things.
I think thats a road that I'll have to cross if I come to it though, until then I think I'm going to act as if.
Thanks Y'all.
Last night I initiated a chat with her, and all I asked her was what her thoughts on filing taxes Married Jointly was. She said sure that's fine, I don't care. I said that I needed her W2's then, and the conversation ended.
Her Mom called today, since we talk about once a week. She brought my wife up, and was curious as to why she hasn't heard much from her. She was concerned as to how things are going, and all I could say is that I honestly don't have a clue how things are. My wife talks to her mother about once a week, but neither of us have heard from her in a bit.
I feel like I need to let her chase me, and it'll take about 1 1/2 weeks of not chatting with her before she will initiate contact, but at the same time I feel like I need to get the taxes done which requires contact with her.
What should I do?
Well here is an indicator as to where we stand:
I asked her tonight for her W2, and asked her how she wanted to deal with the refund. Here is the exact conversation:
Her: I'm dling my w2 now
Me: How would you like to deal with the refund.
Me: You got screwed last year, and I feel a lot of pain from what I did.
Her: yeah, I really don't care.
Me:
Her: well you do whatever you want anyway
Me: Not anymore.
Me: That's why I'm asking you.
Her: I just sent them
Her: well I really don't care - just take it
Her: do w/e with it
Me: I got them. Thank you. There is so much else that I want to say, but I won't. Goodnight.
So from that exchange, I'd say we are not well.
What do I do? How can I show her that I'm different and she matters?
Sent her an email last night letting her know that I would love it if she would email me or call me.
Now begins the waiting game so see if she will actually initiate contact.
This [censored].
Well. In the past week my wife has iniated contact three times. Last night she even called me. That's only the third time in six months she's called me. (on a humoreous note, every call I've been somewhere away from home. Twice living in a tent at an exercise)
Our conversation went well, mostly just catching up, but no displays of affection on either side.
So I guess this is good, as my goal was to get her to iniate contact and to have her call me. Baby steps. Can I even take this as a sign there is hope?
Where do I go from here? She has about 40 days left before she leaves Afghanistan.
Well. In the past week my wife has iniated contact three times. Last night she even called me. That's only the third time in six months she's called me. (on a humoreous note, every call I've been somewhere away from home. Twice living in a tent at an exercise)
Our conversation went well, mostly just catching up, but no displays of affection on either side.
So I guess this is good, as my goal was to get her to iniate contact and to have her call me. Baby steps. Can I even take this as a sign there is hope?
Where do I go from here? She has about 40 days left before she leaves Afghanistan.
My wife said yesterday that she tried to call me, and I was in a place that had no reception so she may have. That's two phone calls within a few weeks, which is odd when that would have made only the 4th phone call of the whole trip.
She does want me to go to a local car dealer, and check out a small pickup truck she found online. Should I do this for her?
On a side note, does anyone reply here?
Absolutely help her. Kindness goes a long way.
What are her complaints about you/the marriage? And what do you think might be attractive to her about the other guy?
Her complaints from what I've gathered:
That I never focused on her, she always came second.
We didn't do enough things together.
I kept her from being with her friends, and made her feel bad about going out.
That I've controlled her.
What I think she found in the other guys?:
They spent recreational time together.
She could do whatever she wanted.
I think that spending fun time together, is a HUGE reason we are where we are. I ignored her for a game, and our relationship fell apart.
Well, as I was typing this saying what I thought she felt, I just went ahead and asked her. Here is her exact response:
i don't like that all of the important decisions for my life in the last 4 years have been dictated to me - I HAVE TO move because "I'm married" I HAVE TO buy a house, because that's what married people do, I HAVE TO give you half my paycheck...
i'm tired of doing things because other people want me to
i just want to be my own person for a while...
that may sound selfish to you, and you'd be right, it is. but you know what, i'm ok with being selfish for once
And regarding me:
i don't like how skinny you are, i don't like how you force your opinions on people, i hate that you always feel you're justified in everything you do
i hate how mean you were to my friends, i hate how you always act superior to everyone else
My wife said yesterday that she tried to call me, and I was in a place that had no reception so she may have. That's two phone calls within a few weeks, which is odd when that would have made only the 4th phone call of the whole trip.
She does want me to go to a local car dealer, and check out a small pickup truck she found online. Should I do this for her?
On a side note, does anyone reply here?
Well, at least we now know why she started contacting you. It looks like she wants something from you.
I would not further entangle yourself financially with someone who is actively talking divorce with you. A kind "Considering where we're at right now, I don't think that's such a good idea" would be a good response, in my opinion.
Starsky
Absolutely help her. Kindness goes a long way.
What are her complaints about you/the marriage? And what do you think might be attractive to her about the other guy?
Sorry, I disagree. "Kind," yes. "Financial rescuing/entanglement," at this stage, not wise.
I personally would not enter into new financial relationships (esp. for major purchases -- car, house, etc.) with someone who was actively talking divorce.
Starsky
I would not be paying anything for the car. She would buy it herself, it would only be me going to look at it to see what shape it was in. She is oversees and can't do this from there, so she has to trust me to look it over.
She would be buying it, with her own money.
Well she scrapped wanted to look at the truck because its not a manual.
We also had a fight. Kinda the first fight of our marriage, and she was on the attack the whole time, trying to do as much damage as she could. The focus was mostly on how I had never listened, or tried. Its only "now that I don't want to try" that I am wanting to work on the marriage. The fight was caused when she accused me of taking money from her private account, which I hadn't. It progressed to cover a whole gamut of things. And ended it by removing me and my entire family from her facebook and then saying she was going to close our joint account.
All my friends say "dude its over, just move on."
When is it over? When do I stop trying?