No sex since June, no hug since before Thanksgiving, no "I Love You" since who knows when and when together just bumps on log from both of us. Never any real communication. Family is in town right now and parents and the 2 of us went to lunch. Very awkward siting next to each other. Very obvious no emotion to me. 2 kids involved. bomb was dropped by her in May that she no longer feel love for me as a husband.
Your emotional connection is broken with your spouse, that's clear. If you are going to take action to restore any sort of relationship, you need to take action yesterday, in my humble opinion.
She's still living with you, you still have a good chance, its so much more difficult when they leave.
Get Divorce Busting, Divorce Remedy pronto and the Five Love Languages.
What & Where? I am so scared because I loge her but she seems bothered by being stuck with me......
Try Amazon any other bookstore, or this website for Michelle Weiner Davis' "Divorce Busting" and "Divorce Remedy". The Five Love Languages are by Gary Chapman also available at any bookstore.
You have my sympathy, my walk away spouse is not exactly friendly to me either and he is distant at best. It's hard place to be. Just keep in mind you can't change her or her mind right now. You can only change yourself and your behaviour.
New Years I received no Hug Kiss of a Happy New Year.
Out of the blue after not attending Marriage counseling for over a month, my wife emailed me today at work and told me we have a meeting scheduled for tomorrow morning. Any clues?
S2D, you need to post your thread that gives us more details.
Thanks,
Sandi
My wife told me last May she wasnt sure if she loved me anymore. Chaos of all sorts ensued. We have been going thru Marriage and Individual counseling since August. Things seem to be getting worse. I feel I made some of the changes suggested in counseling and some I stumled over. at this point it feels like it is all up to me and not much is being done on her part. My parents just finished a 2 week visit over the holidays and that is wehre the above posts started. So I am just not sure. I kinda backed off recently with attempting to hug and saying I love you. We have not had sex since June. I need physical contact to feel loved and there has been none.
Scared2
First off, interesting post name that you used. Based on what you have posted it seems to me that FEAR or “scared” if you will is your biggest issue right now. Is this fear understandable? Yes. It is though something that you will need to get a handle on if you have any hope to save YOURSELF in this process.
People have suggested that you purchase Divorce Busting and Divorce Remedy. I suggest that you pick these two books up immediately.
I also suggest that you come to some realizations pronto, and that is that right now YOUR W wants out or at least that what it appears like to me. Does that mean the it is “over”? Not by a long shot buddy. What I am about to say to you may not make sense right now…but I want you to remember this….
YOU Scared determine when it is over! That’s right YOU!
she seems bothered by being stuck with me
OF course she is bothered….accept it. Know that right now only YOUR ACTIONS can change things.
New Years I received no Hug Kiss of a Happy New Year.
So what….no kiss or hug. F*ck it. Man up dude. Are you in this for the long haul?
Can you do me a favor and list some of the complaints that your wife has about you. Also give me a little more info. Any kids, how long have you been married? Is another person in the picture? Are you guys in a mountain of debt?
Also, take a minute and write down what YOU want in YOUR life.
Breath buddy…breath…
God Bless,
Eric
18 years, known each other for 20. 2 kids 13 and 10. no real debt and about o retire after 20 years in the military. No other person as far as i know.
she is sick of me being hurtful, mean and doing and saying mean hurtful things. May seem easy to change but it has been a long 8 months since she dropped the bomb in May.
Tonight I came home from work and she told me she is done, tired of hurting the kids and herself. I have said some very mean evil things over the holidays and that lead to the final straw. So It seems to be mostly my fault. We are military stationed over in Germany so that makes it hard for her to just up and separate or leave, plus middle of school year as well.
Tomorrow we have the marriage counseling and more chat this evening but it appears i will not be swaying her opinion. Now my question is, do I make the changes anyway in hopes it could salvage or will she take the attempts as my last ditch effort? Either way, I suppose it truly is my last ditch effort huh!
Scared
she is sick of me being hurtful, mean and doing and saying mean hurtful things.
I would be too if you said and did hurtful things to me for 20 years.
May seem easy to change but it has been a long 8 months since she dropped the bomb in May
You say mean things for 20 years
you have only been dealing with this for 8 months
Do you think 8 months of your changes is enough to erase the hurt that she has had for 20 years?
Tonight I came home from work and she told me she is done
Better believe that she is telling you the truth and learn the STFU (shut the f up) before you make things worse.
I have said some very mean evil things over the holidays and that lead to the final straw.
Do you know what a controlling person is?
So It seems to be mostly my fault.
Well if you said hurtful things over the holidays……do you think it is not your fault? You pushed buddy and guess what she pushed back. You wanna save this…then stop pushing.
We are military stationed over in Germany so that makes it hard for her to just up and separate or leave, plus middle of school year as well.
Believe it or not…this may be a good thing. If you can keep your mouth shut, check your male ego at the door you just may have a chance at saving this.
Tomorrow we have the marriage counseling and more chat this evening but it appears i will not be swaying her opinion.
My advice for tomorrow MC session is to KEEP YOUR F*CKING MOUTH SHUT! Listen to her complaints and I mean really listen to them. DO NOT DEFEND YOURSELF but at the same token do not sit there and admit to being a total as*. As much as possible LISTEN. DO NOT PUSH HER, DO NOT BEG OR PLEAD, LISTEN.
Let me repeat….LISTEN.
Oh BTW, did I forget to tell you to LISTEN!
Now my question is, do I make the changes anyway in hopes it could salvage or will she take the attempts as my last ditch effort?
Changes done for the sole purpose of keeping her are manipulative and she will see them as such. Changes made because YOU really realized that you could be an as* sometime are change that you want to make for YOU so I would say keep working on them.
Scared, the only thing that I wish I could drill into your head is that DB is really about saving yourself. I came here broken and a child….I leave here…fixed and a man.
You choose what you want from all of this.
Read as much as you can. Never lose hope and keep posting.
God Bless,
Eric
Wow, you are so very true. I see things a bit differently now that she has told me Bye. I just got on here to check messages but I am heading back over to chill with my son on XBOX. Wife is picking daughter up from school and tonight my goal is to breathe and count to 5 whenever I feel tension and then calm the heck down!
Scared,
Not only is it time for you to hold your tongue it is also time for you to start to work on changing your self.
If you can get a copy of Controlling People by Patricia Evans get it.
Also go to a forum called Mevac it stands for Men ending verbal Abuse and Control. My wife dropped the sledge hammer on me "telling me she was done" after 20 years of abuse and it woke me up. I've changed a lot and have more work to do. I'm a better father and kinder and gentler person today.
Stop worrying about what she says and does its out of your control. Get the book go to mevac and get to work on you. Your wife has given you a tremendous gift by waking up. Use it regardless of what she does. This is about you.
What did you say that was controlling and hurtful over the holidays?
Learn to Love yourself.
Joe
Ok so the evening after the bomb went ok, I finally got up walked over to the couch and bent over hugged her and wished her a happy new year. We had not done so yet, yes it was the 5th of January. She said the same to me, we watched a few TV shows and then later we went to bed. I asked for a kiss when in bed and she asked me, what is with all the attention now that you know I am leaving. I was kinda confused but I get it. I am just finally at that point where I blew it, but that does not mean she has to still be treated badly. Right. I kinda came to a realisation yesterday that the reason Chivalry and Man of the House are common terms. Because they are true. Woman deserve to feel safe and secure with their husband. She has never had that with me. Now when I walk thru the door everyday from now until June I will ensure that she sees I get it. Even if it too late, she still deserves to be loved.
My biggest question is.... Do I ask her what I need to fix or do I just do it. I need to know if I can change my ways will she stay come June. Do I ask her that specifically or do I just float it out so to speak.....
My question would be...
"If I can make all these changes will you stay?"
She told me not to make promises and that she cannot make any promises either.
I am not a veteran at this, but that last question is an easy one. "NO".
You can not make changes just so she will stay. You have to make genuine changes for you. If that makes her stay, great!
Just do the changes. Don't talk to her about them. If they are genuine, she will notice. Also, don't be looking over your shoulder waiting for results. Have patience. It is going to get worse before it gets better. You must be prepared for that.
I would not ask her any of that stuff. I don't think she wants to be an instruction manual. I think you probably know what she wants, and what YOU want to do. I know this is hard but, time to shut up and do it. No more words.
I agree with Habit. Most WAW's have a certain amount of cold heartedness toward a H who shows any signs of clinginess or neediness. Asking her what it would take to get her to stay would make you appear weak in her eyes. What attracts us gals are men who show self-confindence. That is a form of inner strength and people can pick up on that in a minute....especially your W.
You may still be having a problem with the idea that you need to make changes in order to be a better "you". Some men have the thought that if the W is not going to stay then there is no point bothering to make changes. However, that is the wrong mental attitude.
You have a good idea what she "doesn't" like, right? So, just don't do what you know she dislikes. Then you become the man who any woman would be crazy for leaving.
I agree with Habit. Most WAW's have a certain amount of cold heartedness toward a H who shows any signs of clinginess or neediness. Asking her what it would take to get her to stay would make you appear weak in her eyes. What attracts us gals are men who show self-confindence. That is a form of inner strength and people can pick up on that in a minute....especially your W.
You may still be having a problem with the idea that you need to make changes in order to be a better "you". Some men have the thought that if the W is not going to stay then there is no point bothering to make changes. However, that is the wrong mental attitude.
You have a good idea what she "doesn't" like, right? So, just don't do what you know she dislikes. Then you become the man who any woman would be crazy for leaving.
Sandi, that last paragraph really hit home.......
we talked effectivly last night and honesty really did come out, no anger in our talk, just honesty and I really felt better afterwards. Now I just need to walk the walk and stop talking the talk.
Now I just need to walk the walk and stop talking the talk
.
The walk is what she'll notice. After a time, talk doesn't do much as for "fixing" what's broken.
i sure hope so, I think I have been consisitant so fa, granted only since last Tuesday but I am wanting to be better. How long should I wait for her to acknowledge my changes? When can I expect a hug or kiss?
Well the weekend went weird. She spent sunday with her girlsfriends which gave me the day with the kids. Played some games with my daughter and my son is kinda on his own now. XBOX guy. But we watched some tv together and when wife came home she cooked a nice dinner. Dinner was a nice family time. Evening I watched the playoffs and wife took a bath. She went to bed afterwards and I went up and told her I was kinda hurt that she did not say goodnight and she replied that she was laying in bed but not going to sleep. About 30 minutes later she came down and said goodnight. That was awesome feeling for me. Still weird because she also told me that she doesnt trust the changes because if has only been a few days. I told her it is genuine and I am realizing how great it is when the kids see me in a good mood all the time and not grouchy. I just need to continue to show my happiness and learn to breathe in and out when things frustrate me. Which I have been doing and this forum is also a nice release as well. I came on here because I was getting worked up. Now I feel a bit better. Just want to give her a bear hug right now, but she is not ready. I cannot wait until she is ready for one.
I went up and told her I was kinda hurt that she did not say goodnight and she replied that she was laying in bed but not going to sleep
Look Scared, this is not attractive to women. It makes you appear feminine. It would have been better to either ignore it, or go to the bedroom door, open your arms wide, and say,"How 'bout a goodnight hug before going to sleep?" If she declined, then you shrug your shoulders and say, "Okay, your loss". But I can tell you this.....if you said mean things to her or the kids during the day, then don't expect affection from her.
You have repeatedly told how you have said mean and evil things to her and the kids. That can be verbal abuse and it will take an emotional toll on your kids...like you wouldn't believe.
The way you treat your wife during the waking hours, will determine how she will treat you at bedtime. What if her love language is words of affirmation? If so, that ship is sunk. It will be like raising the Titanic.
You've got to stop focusing on the fact she isn't giving you what you need and start concentrating on what you are giving. How many words of appreciation have you given her; how many words of praise, compliments, and a simple "thank-you"? You are trying to make a withdrawal from an account where you've made no deposits in a long time.
I think I have been consistent so fa, granted only since last Tuesday but I am wanting to be better. How long should I wait for her to acknowledge my changes? When can I expect a hug or kiss?
Stop expecting it.l Focus on what you can give to the kids and HER. Words can destroy people, so you have to give it time to heal.
The best medicine for what hurts is laughter. Keep conversation light, instead of serious. Bring funny movies home to watch. Find clean, funny jokes to tell at the family dinner table. Plan fun things to do on weekends. The longer you can stay away from serious stuff and keep the atmosphere light hearted, the better chance of her being in a good mood.....and you too.
Wow that was great words.. I like the withdraw from the bank statement. Great analogy! I will keep that in my mind for real.
I think I read something about your anniversary comming up. How long do you have to plan?
Our anniversary was in November and it was on Thanksgiving Day. Uneventful day other than Thanksgiving at friends house. We are closing in on our 21st year of knowing each other in March.
Hi Sandi- Sorry to bud in here Scared..
I find your responses very helpful.. I don't know how to reach out to any individual in these forums, or connect people to my thread. But would really like to read your words.. If you have some time to look at my thread.. i am sorry interrupting.
Thank you- Patience
Last night discussions all night and it boils down to she has just become tired of everything I am, do and do not do.
I cannot seem to convince her that I want to love her and show her how much I want to make us as a family work. I need her and the children in my life. I want them to know that their husband and dad can be the nice guy they need and want. I want to be that man, but I honetly think she does not care anymore.
Not sure where to go now? I want to keep trying but I know I will not get any pats on the back or re assurance along the way. I get it but sometimes I think I need that in order to keep plugging along.
Scared you need to stop talking about your changes and trying to convince your w. Instead show her your changes with no expectations. Hugs, kisses and I love you's are a long way down the track. If you need affirmation for your changes post here and tell us what you are doing and how you are succeeding.
Have you read the books recommended to you?
I live in Germany and books are difficult to acquire. I requested them thru the local library so hopefully they will come in shortly. I also joined another forum called Men Ending Verbal Abuse & Control
http://mevac.proboards.com/index.cgi. I am hoping it will get me in line as well as on here.
Scared, you must stop trying to convince her through R talk. What you do is make your changes and allow time for her to "see" them. Your actions is what will be the proof to her....not the talk.
Have you read any the tips for 180 changes?
Sandi,
no I have not read those tips, where can I find that info?
Here's the immediate 180's you can apply:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1701511#Post1701511There are others under the forum almost at the bottom of the forum list: Advice From Wise DBers
Ok, I have issues with a few of these but overall I do see the point.
Well last night we went out with 2 of my friends and the other woman and my wife click enough that I think that have fun together. Things were playful fun and then when we got home I asked my wife what about if I take a job in Virginia next February. And she replied, "Why are you asking me?" I was shocked again. I thought the evening went well and then she told me, just because you have been nice for a week doesnt mean anything has changed. So anyway, I again took the blow. Should I keep pressing forward with my change to myself and keep treating the family like they deserve and see what happens? She is still not planning on leaving until June when school lets out.
I went ahead and started a new thread. I need advice and not many people seem to be responding to this one.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2120079&#Post2120079
I asked my wife what about if I take a job in Virginia next February.
This is where you set yourself up for disappointment.
"Why are you asking me?" I was shocked again
Get over being shocked! She is telling you very clearly that she wants no part of your future.
I thought the evening went well
Right here......
right here is where men mess up. One tiny bit of niceness and they think it is a signal to make a move. Can't she have a nice evening with you and friends without you trying to say something regarding the R or future?
just because you have been nice for a week doesn't mean anything has changed
True! A WAW has to see more than one week's worth of changes before she's very impressed. Most folks can change for a few days, but won't keep the changes going.
Should I keep pressing forward with my change to myself and keep treating the family like they deserve
Well, your old way didn't work out, so what do you suggest about treating your family? What do you mean by treating them like they deserve?
I am going to start by doing things around the house I have not done much in my life. I am going to take over kitchen chores such as dishes and counter cleaning. She is an awesome cook so that is a no no. LOL
I am going to take care of the floors best I can, sweeping the steps and vacuum. We have hard wood floor and steps.
I am going to think of her when I go to grab a drink or snack to see if she would like anything.
I am going to also intereact more with our children. I want them to know I love spending time with them.
Stick with one thread and keep posting each day.