I'm Mystik, 32. H is 34. DS is 6 and a half. We have been living apart for two years. H is living with his mistress and just had a baby. However, H never bothered to finish filing the separation papers so we are not even legally separated yet let alone divorced. Not a pleasant situation for me at all.
I'm pretty much an open book so any questions, just ask. I’m sticking with newcomers because despite being here a year, I’m no further along in the process and I’m not really sure what other forum I would fit into. Is it an affair when he left me before he moved in with OW? We’re not at the divorcing point yet, he has to save up the money to file.
Thread #1:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1874601 Thread #2:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2025955Thread #3:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2086318Thread #4:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2103335
Dreamt about H twice in the past three nights. Thursday I dreamt he was trying to find a way to leave OW and the new baby without him being the one doing the leaving. He was trying to get her ticked off enough she broke up with him. Then last night I dreamt different things about H, all were about him trying to come back to me but I don’t recall all the details.
Had to see H this morning when he picked up DS. Was hard. He asked how the parent-teacher conference went, I told him he needs to call the teacher. He asked why and I said because she wanted to talk to him, DS is behind. He asked if it was reading and I said math, too. He waited a moment but I didn’t say anything else so he closed the door and I left. I cried the drive home pleading with God to please, please bring H home to me soon. Came home and dozed for almost two hours and then went to pick up DS. Again, cried part of the way home. DS distracted me with throwing out math equations for me to solve, for some reason that fascinates him.
I am starting a new course of treatment for my depression. I have three forms of depression: severe clinical, situational and dysthymia. I have been admitted to an out-patient program for psychotherapy and teaching of coping skills to help me get through the depression. I had my first day on Friday, so far I’m not sure how it’s going to go. But it’s only been the one day, I know I need to give it a chance. It was very overwhelming, a lot to take in all at once. And it turns out the lady told me the wrong thing or I misunderstood her but I am in the full-time program so I go five days a week, from 9 a.m. to 4 p.m. So now I’m stressing about work and how that’s going to affect my income because I’m barely scraping by as it is. I know that I need to have faith, it will all work out but it’s darn hard to.
I am proud of you, Mystik. Are you getting meds?
You did a good job linking your own threads, do you still want me to link anything?
Be sure to ask your program staff about helping with work. They do this all the time and can give you guidance. Also, you probably have short or long term disability benefits. This kind of program qualifies. Your HR dept can help you file and your program can help with the documentation. You do not need to be very specific with your HR. It won't completely replace your income but it will take the edge off.
We are all so proud of you for taking this huge step. Just stay open to everything they have to offer. Do whatever they tell you. Trust that it will get results at some point. One day at a time.
You are an amazing woman with more strength than you know.
DB-mod, if I could just have a link to this thread posted at the end of my old thread so people can find me from there, please.
bluestar, working for the state I don't qualify for disability. Instead I get leave with half pay, where I will bring home half of my usual income after I have used up all my accruals. I am going to do my best to stay open and take in everything they have to offer. This will be my first week in the program so I'm sure I'll have a much better feel of things by Friday.
I will be staying on my current meds as far as I know. And besides my sister, you guys here are the only people who know I'm in this treatment. My sister did tell my mom, I think. I sure as heck won't be telling my father, he has a way of making me feel smaller than small, I always feel like a disappointment to him.
done!
You are wise to keep your circle of folks 'in the know' small.
I don't mean disability like social security. I mean an insurance benefit that your company or state offers. What I am calling short term disability is what you call Income Protection Plan. It's a benefit for NY state employees. I linked it below so you could look at the Disability Claim for Accident and Sickness (A&S) Short term Disability (STD)/Salary Continuance Form. Make sure that you are taking advantage of that benefit.
http://www.cs.state.ny.us/otherben/ipp/ipp.cfm
Checking in on my M. Good that you're starting this program.. and ask them to help you with any forms and avenues to supplement income. I'd imagine they've probably helped people get what they need from their employers.
Hang in there kiddo... you're doing the right thing... and keep your circle of friends small. Even though I'm a hang it all out there person, I keep the ring very small and still have actually to this day. *hugs*
Abs
Ooops... checking in on YOU, M.
won't let me edit the previous post.
Mystik! Glad to see that you posted. Wow, that does sound intense but you do need some medical treatment so I guess it makes sense. I am scared to think of what could happen if you didn't sign up for this help. As for getting some short term disability insurance/reimbursement, etc. please look into what Bluestar is talking about. There has to be something for what happens if you suddenly can't work for a couple of weeks because of hospitalization!
Well done with communicating about the conferences- you shared the gist but if he wanted to know the details, he will need to find out himself.
Mystik, following along. Sounds heavy duty. Will be back to see how you are doing.
bluestar ~ I will be sure to check that out in further detail. Right now they are only anticipating me being in treatment for 4 weeks, if it goes longer then I'll have to stress.
Abbey ~ I can be your M, too. haha I'm usually a hang it all out there person, too, but this is so much more personal and it feels embarassing at times. That I am so screwed up I couldn't even handle my husband leaving me. Women are left by their spouse every day but they don't need psychiatric intervention.
Newmama ~ Right now I have enough time built up to cover about three weeks. Have to submit my FMLA papers so I will have that protection, too.
Piano ~ Sometimes it feels heavy duty being so depressed. Since I have to struggle so much being depressed, might as well make the struggle worth my time, you know.
Today was day two. Met with my therapist to talk about my goals for the treatment, what I'm looking to get out of it. Pretty much to get a handle on my depression and reach a point where seeing H doesn't affect me so much is what we decided to work on for now. Going to be learning different DBT teqhniques to cope with the behavior caused by the depression such as social isolation, negative self-talk, etc.
Here you are!
I like your new thread title! It says a lot! Good for you!
Hey CW, glad you found your way here. I thought since I am in treatment now it's a new path for me and we'll see where it goes.
Hey, I hear you about the embarrassment. I went through the same kind of thing. All those internal "tapes"... I'm stronger than this, I don't need any help, etc etc etc. I was even mad at my own body for deceiving me, ... all figuring in my fogged logic that if I wasn't depressed, I'd get him back faster, etc. All nuts of course, but when those internal dialogs get rolling, it's hard to turn those suckers off!
I was in T 2 times a week through a big portion of it... and I tell you was the best money I spent. I still use some of the techniques when I get overwhelmed. You've heard me harp on them... 1 minute tasks, 5 minute tasks etc. Hang in there kiddo... there is a light at the other end of this. *big hugs*
Abs
I'm really happy that you are on a good path!
Those negative "tapes" sure are hard to turn off and/or ignore. But hopefully I'm going to learn some effective ways to turn them off.
I love my H, I do, but my word he can be difficult!
DS has off from school tomorrow and Friday. So I texted H this morning letting him know DS would be at my mother's both days. He texted back saying if I was working tomorrow or Friday he'd get DS from me at work. I said Friday was fine, but not tomorrow. I was tied up all day, could get DS to the exchange place at 5. He said back that he is supposed to get DS earlier on non-school days so he'd be at the exchange place at 11. I said it was not possible, earliest I could get DS there was 5. So he said if he has to pick up DS from my mother's then I have to drive to where he lives to get DS. I said I would not do that, so he repeated exchange place at 11, who would I get to bring DS there. I said the only people I could ask are my brother or neice, both are 17 and that DS was looking forward to being at my mother's tomorrow. He repeated that if he gets DS from my mother's I need to pick up DS from where he lives. I didn't answer so he texted, and I quote: "Pick your poison, it's time to put your big girl panties on and actually accept the situation. if you're going to spring this last moment thing don't be surprised when it doesn't work."
I want to reply with a big F*ck you, but I know that won't be very helfpul. I want to tell him that the reason I can't get DS to the exchange place tomorrow is because I'm so messed up from him leaving me I need psychiatric treatment. I want to tell him to stop playing games and grow up, he can't force me to ever go to where he lives. I want to reply that it's not last moment, I gave him about 24 hours notice.
It's times like this I wish H would forget DS is his and then I wouldn't have to deal with this hurt and BS.
Add to that I dreamt about H again last night. I dreamt he had his own place and we were "dating". We had made love three times by that point and were talking about moving me and DS in with him. So I had that on my mind all day today.
That was a very jerk thing for your H to do. he was simply punishing you because you wouldn't let him get S at 11!!!
So what did you end up doing?
Talked to my sister. She said if H wants to play immature games and pitch a fit over a driving a couple extra miles, I should to. She said I should tell him since it's only about two miles from where I live to where my mom lives to tell him I'll drive two miles farther than the exchange point and he can meet me there.
I don't know quite what to do. I hate that H is being so difficult about this. What his sister said is true, emotionally and some parts mentally he never developed past the age of 5 when his whole world was changed and not for the better.
Newmama, it's not that I won't let him get S at 11. It's that I won't deliver S to him at the exchange place at 11. I get that he's uncomfortable going to my mother's house, how could he not be? But my mom is polite to him, doesn't say or do anything to make him feel uncomfortable, it's his own guilt that does that.
This is a "normal" time for him to have DS or is he just being demanding? What is the plan for Thanksgiving? While you're in therapy, try to stick to the plan as much as you can. You have enough things on your plate without your H adding to it right now.
I hope one of your goals in therapy is to work on not giving in to him every time he makes a demand. You are important too!
Wednesday is a usual visitation day, and it does say in the current papers that if there is no school on his visitation day he can get DS at 11 in the morning. Which I'm fine with, if H wants DS at 11 then by all means, pick him up at 11. But the BS about how if he has to drive those two extra miles to my mother's then I have to drive the extra 20 minutes (don't know how many miles) to his place to get DS is what has me so frustrated. Last time I attempted to drive there I had a full-blown panic attack. And H saw me in the midst of it, he knows what trying to go there does to me. But he thinks I need to get over it and do what he wants me to do.
DS is with me for Thanksgiving this year, then back to H's on Friday for his weekend visitation.
Mystik,
Already you sound better. I know it's a long road, but I hear progress in your 'voice' already.
Wishing you joy,
sg
Thanks SG. After having that really rough day two weeks ago and making the decision to seek out further treatment I've been feeling ok and it's stuck with me.
Girlfriend... it's time you DO tell him to F*ck Off.
He's being a dick, he's the one who's being immature. I don't know if this is helpful, but I did some time chatting with my T about how to respond to "stupidity" and your H expecting you to jump when he says jump def qualifies as stupidity. You need to be able to deflect this crap in a way that builds your self esteem not shove it down and cause you to pull your hair out after it happens. Talk this stuff out with the T team you're with now. Make it clear you need to be able to deal with this effectively so it doesn't start those "tapes" for you later. And btw... ignoring it... or turning the other cheek DOESN'T cut it. You require ways and techniques to deflect and put a stop to his b/s.
He wants your big girl panties... then fine... SHOW him.
I hope you have a great thanksgiving, Mystik...not leaving til later...so I'll check in on you.
I just want to let you know, Mystik, when I came to this board, I didn't want to live. I did and I didn't know how. I had two daughters, I was divorced, I was in another relationship that fell apart, I was isolated, and I didn't know how I could do it.
I will tell you my posters were amazing. But it was Michele and DB that did it for me. I got strong. And I've used it throughout my life.
About 5-6 years post DB, my teenager had serious issues (anorexia, bipolar, borderline diagnoses). DB helped me through those as well. Then I had issues with my job. I sound like a cheerleader/saleswoman, but I have lived this. 10years almost.
Somewhere in that time I got colorectal cancer. DB helped me through that (I sound like a commercial.)
Honey, if I can come through this, you will come through stronger.
I know this team will help you. It might feel slow, but you are doing better than I did, because you got help more quickly, and I am so glad for you.
Be proud. Be strong. Live strong.
I used to moderate, so Virginia and dbmod can still find me, if I'm not around, click notify, they will tell me.
So tonight... Tonight was so freaking hard. I had to drive to H's place to get DS.
H texted me around 6:15 that he had to give DS an inhaler treatment but DS was still complaining his chest hurt and was still wheezing, he needed to use his nebulizer. H never got one for his place. H said that now that he's down to a one-car family and Whore was out with the car he couldn't get DS to me. So I called my sister to see if she would get DS. At first she said yes, then called back that she didn't want to deal with H, she was too pi$$ed off at him and she couldn't do it. So that left me and my mom. So I did it. I went to H's. Had a panic attack doing it, but I did it. I was shaking so much my teeth were chattering and I felt hot and cold at the same time. We get there finally around quarter to eight and Whore's car was there. But I was too worked up to do anything about it.
Cried a lot tonight, feeling very drained. Only thing keeping me going is my faith that God will guide H back home to me.
Oh, my mom said when he picked up DS that she thought H looked like he!l. I replied that a new baby will do that to you.
Mystik, I'm proud of you. I don't think I would have been able to do something like that. YOU DID! You did what you needed to do to go get your son. Do you realize how HUGE that is? It was hard and draining but every road block this dick gives you... you *survive* it, you plow through it.
(BTW... it's ok to say I don't want to be strong... we've alllll been there) *smile*
You're growing and succeeding and I'm in awe!
Abs
Abbey, I'm hoping that I do the same to the roadblock he has set up against reconciling. That I can just get right through it and back into his heart.
Thanks SG, same to you and yours.
Mystik, as I've said before... you've still got work to do. Hon... I know it could sound "easy" for me to say because I've crossed that bridge... but trust me... I'm telling you this for VERY good reason.
Once the dust settles and once he grows his brain back... it's going to be YOU who's going to go through a bunch of emotions that you thought you could never feel. Once a honeymoon get back together period settles... it will be YOU that grows cold.
Eg... YOU have the potential to become the walk away spouse. I'm telling you this for a reason. DEAL with your stuff NOW... without it, it's not he who'll kill the marriage in the end, it will be you. You've got a kid who's been through enough... GET you straight so that if the chance for the H to come back arises,... the ducks will all be in a row. Work hard now because you'll have to draw on that strength later.
Read what I'm saying here ... as well as what I'm not saying. Ya know what I mean?
Abs.
Hi Mystik, I reckon it is a good idea to learn to say NO to thinks (or tell someone to F off) because we harm our innards when we dont' take care of ourselves and let our self-esteem slide.
Abs ~ I know that I have a long way to go yet, not disputing that one bit. Just still hoping that when the time is right it happens, you know. But I never said I would be patient while waiting for that time.
Piano ~ It's amazing how much our physical health impacts our emotional health and vice versa.
Ended up interacting with H this morning. He was talking to me through DS's open car door.
He said to me, "So that wasn't too bad driving out there the other night." And I said "Yeah, except for the panic attack" in a somewhat sarcastic tone. So he replied, "What's there to panic about?" I didn't answer him. He then asked, "Do you still think we're going to work things out or have you accepted that we aren't?" I told him that my thoughts are my own and he responded that was true, but they do impact other people, I didn't respond. He then asked if I had changed my mind "on the D" and I told him no, so he replied "That answers that question" and walked away. What confused me was he said "the D" and usually will say the full word divorce.
"Do you still think we're going to work things out or have you accepted that we aren't?"
What would happen if you just agree with him?
I know it is not what you want.
But
You are fighting him and he expects you to push your own agenda.
I am not saying divorce him I am saying just drop the rope.
it will be something different than he expects.
Yes?
I haven't read your whole thread mystik but just this little peice is telling me he will defy you becuase you are not listening to him.
You are saying to him "this is what I want! I don't care what you want!"
I will give you this that I have posted before and I don't know who wrote it but there is wisdom in it:
Now there are two kinds of divorce that happen, sort of at the same time. One is the legal divorce, and the other one is the emotional divorce.
We get the two confused.
We think we're going to stop the emotional divorce by stopping the legal divorce. The more you try to stop the legal side of divorce, the more rebellious he or she feels.
The more you use pressure, the less they see your inner beauty and your charm.
Everybody thinks, professionals and non-professionals alike, they say to have a happy marriage or a happy relationship, you have to work at it.
But I say that it's the working that makes it not work.
When you criticize, you're working at improving your mate.
When you complain to your lover, you're working at improving them.
When you argue, you're working at improving them.
When you try to reason with them.
When you tell them how much you love them.
Both when you're reasoning and when you're telling them how much you love them, you are trying to change them. You are working at changing them. And it's that working at changing them, that is the only problem.
Proof? You want proof?
Stop all of that, and watch the relationship get better.
Stop all of that working. Allow and accept, one hundred percent, whatever your mate thinks, feels, or does is perfectly okay.
It's perfectly okay.
And watch them improve themselves.
Their negative feelings towards you will weaken rapidly, because their negative feeling needs something in you to fight with. And when you sincerely see what's on their side, when you sincerely agree with them, and when you lovingly and sincerely go one hundred percent totally, instantly, and happily your mate's way, when you do that there's nothing for their negative feeling to build on.
You have put the white flag up.
You've thrown your gun down.
That forces them to do the same thing. They cannot shoot you when you have no gun. When you're not defending yourself, THEY want to defend you.
It's not normal to not defend yourself, but it is healthy.
Just something that helped me see things a little differently.
I hope it may help you.
Truegritter, that is so true. I am thinking that if I can stop the divorce then it will all be fine. But it's true, the legal side is completely separate from the emotional side. I need to work on separating the two.
Trugritter- thank you for posting that. I've felt a little lost the past few days and I needed to read that...
Ended up interacting with H this morning. He was talking to me through DS's open car door.
He said to me, "So that wasn't too bad driving out there the other night." And I said "Yeah, except for the panic attack" in a somewhat sarcastic tone. So he replied, "What's there to panic about?" I didn't answer him. He then asked, "Do you still think we're going to work things out or have you accepted that we aren't?" I told him that my thoughts are my own and he responded that was true, but they do impact other people, I didn't respond. He then asked if I had changed my mind "on the D" and I told him no, so he replied "That answers that question" and walked away. What confused me was he said "the D" and usually will say the full word divorce.
Hmm... he's still looking for absolution. Don't give it to him. I wouldn't have said about the panic attack... keep that to yourself in the future, ... it was predictable that he'd use it against you and say something negative.
I like the drop the rope idea. Should twist him up... he needs a good dose of that.
And yep, I know Mystik, one day at a time, doesn't mean I ain't gonna poke you with a stick every once in a while *hug*
Abs
Just checking in on you, M.
I'm w/Abbey on this one. Don't even give him a centimeter to work with. Shut him down as much as possible, every time. It will help you regain a modicum of power and it will prevent H from using anything against you.
Abs ~ He already knew about the panic attack, he heard me on the phone that night with my teeth chattering. And I sure as heck am doing my best to not let him off the hook for what he's done, what he's doing. I know I need to drop the rope, working on how to do that without giving up all hope. It's like in my head dropping the rope means giving up all hope, the two are intertwined.
V ~ I am trying to shut him down as much as possible. I try to interact with him as little as I can with a shared child. And I keep a business-like tone in our interactions.
Ok... dropping the rope. Your sitch right now... he's still mad at hell at you for not giving him what he wants. Now... I get why you don't want to budge... BUT... somewhere in that teeter-totter is a place you have to get to where you are no longer the bad guy in his eyes. (hey... reality has nothing to do with this. It's just his screwed in the head mentality.)
SHE right now looks like the good guy. Right now, you've got them pitted against you. Once you manage to remove that from the equation, you're no longer prolonging their inevitable break down. THAT will happen, it's a given.
You have to give up on "now"... that's where I personally see you stuck, you're *afraid* to let go. Actually the best thing you could do for yourself and the hope to get this thing fixed down the road is to not only let go... but actively PUSH him away. Hardest thing I ever did. Worked though.
I see that as your best chance to turn this thing on it's ear. It's not going to happen next week, or next month. You're going to have to get used to that fact. This is going to take some mega time to get turned around. You're still trying to steer this thing ... and I dunno... how's it been working for ya so far?
Drop the rope, ... stand in the mirror and repeat "What-ever!" as many times as it takes to make it an auto-response to his stupidity. You need to reject HIM to get this back on an even playing field.
Just my opinion
Hugs
Abs
Hey... just thought of something for you. You're both tugging on the rope... You holding on to that rope... keeps him standing... you let go, he falls on his @$$.
Once the boy falls, ... you no longer are the reason he's got to keep tugging. Let him go find someone ELSE to fight with. Say... like the whore. *smile*
Abs
Abbey, good advice. Any ideas how Mystik can push her H away?
What might that look like?
Having a child together makes it a harder task but not impossible.
One of the things I did with my H when junk hit the fan was put him to email only. Do not call, if we see each other, do not talk to me, etc etc etc. Start by giving him the silent treatment. Say NOTHING or as little as humanly possible. Traditionally men are better at that... but practice saying it... what-ever! or clamping your jaw shut and resist the urge to have the last word or "explain" one's self. Go dark.
I think we as women have a harder time with that cuz it's not really how we're wired, but it's effective. Being shut down is a good start to dropping the rope.
As for this guys constant "changes" to the agreement of how and where they exchange their son, there's either two ways to go with this: stop fighting him (play nice) and be super compliant (which I don't think is the way to go at this stage) OR make it clear that you simply will not "fix" his life's timing issues any further. It's not her job nor her problem if the whore and daemon spawn have the car. He can't live up to his end... tough, NOT Mystik's problem.
Four words to any request from H for junk like that: YOU! Figure it out.
She'll get: What do you mean?
Answer: This is *your* obligation sooooo.... YOU figure out how you can make this work for yourself. Don't expect me to do it, fix it, or turn my day upsidedown for yours.
He'll huff and puff and make inference to playing "her game" but he'll eventually get the message.
The only caveat with that, is anyone trying it better be a stickler to details from their own end. That means, if the drop off is five pm. BE there for 5 pm.
No more games with this dude. Mystik needs to get a written agreement between lawyers that states no changes in the schedule, no "late" drive arounds for 2 hours etc because stupid H has life issues he can't juggle etc. If he's late by 15 minutes, he forfeits his day. Period, no changes. Time to grab part of her life back. Good self esteem lesson.
Abs
H dropped off DS to me, he had to go to his brother's across the river from me so he offered to bring DS right home. He had Whore and Bastard Child with him, that stung. I didn't say a word to H when he walked DS to the door and put his bag down. I was hurting and didn't want him to hear it in my voice.
One of the coping techniques I will be learning is called Radical Acceptance. I know that will be the technique I have the most trouble mastering. I feel so strongly in my heart that H will return before we reach the point of divorce, that he’ll give me the baby I long for and can see it all so clearly in my mind. I feel that if I accept the current situation that means I’m ok with it and accept that what I feel in my heart will not happen. Which I’m not ok with, neither the situation nor what I feel potentially not happening. I know that acceptance of and agreement with are two different things, but I’m having trouble separating the two. And I know that accepting the current situation does not impact future events but I can’t separate those, either. Like I told Truegritter, I can’t separate the legal divorce from the emotional divorce. H has already emotionally divorced himself from me. I am having trouble accepting that.
I find myself wondering if this is the path God wanted me on that night I felt Him answer my prayers for H’s return. This road is a real test of my faith. I know that God is only doing what is in my best interest. I know that He has plans for me, for my future. But I also hate not knowing what will happen, I hate not being in control. So having to give up the control is a real struggle for me. I keep laying my problems at His feet, then pulling them back. I need to lay them there and leave them there. I need to let go of my old marriage and my old H, they are gone. But I’m too afraid that if I let go, then I’ll never get him back.
Been doing a lot of praying. Praying that H comes home, praying that God guides me to know what I need to do and gives me the strength to do it. I can't help but feel that if I could just tell H I love him he'd come back, though I know that is about as likely as me winning the Miss America crown. Not a chance in he!l it will ever happen. The urge is still very strong so I suppres it, push it away.
Right now, at this point in time, I feel that I will always love my H and will never be with anyone but him. I made vows that I will honor for always. Though he broke his, I will not break mine.
Hi sweetie,
He knows you love it. I know you have strong feelings and are afraid to let a new vision in, but ironically, if you don't, you don't have a chance, and if you do--you have a better chance.
When I came to this board I really did not want to live. I was pretty devastated. I was advised to go 'pitch black', which I did for 9 weeks, and then tested the waters with a positive result.
It was so incredibly hard. I fought my every natural instinct. But I felt so empowered. Not only because of the good result, but because I regained control over myself. Michele and my posters helped me tremendously. And over the years, I have gained more of the DB skills (actually using them). And I'm so not perfect, but I am not pathetic anymore either.
I know you can do this, because I see you doing it. You are doing a lovely job, it's beautiful to see.
Have a great evening,
sg
That is what I am really struggling with. Letting go of my visions to make room for a new one. I am being as dark as I can with a shared child.
But I’m too afraid that if I let go, then I’ll never get him back.
If you DON'T let go, you will NEVER get him back. I know this is a hard concept to get but it is the truth. Like Abby has said, the harder you keep tugging the rope, the harder he is pulling away. You have to let go of that rope to have any chance of ever getting a future(way distant)with him.
He has to get the chance to live out this fantasy with OW and let it fail on it's own. Right now, you've got them teamed up against you. You need to get yourself out of the picture so they can turn on each other. The best chance of that happening is right now. What is a more stressful time than having an infant in the house?
It's actually something that I struggled with too. I couldn't get that I needed to remove myself from the triangle in order for it to fall over. Think of it like a table with three legs. When you remove one, it eventually falls.
With me, I took baby steps toward that direction. First, I stuck like glue to our schedule. No changes, period. Kids need to have a routine they can count on. They have enough changes to deal with. And, you need time to build a relationship with DS too. You are just as important.
Next, I got involved at my church. I started helping with the children's groups my kids were involved in. If you need to, sign your son up for something. You'll both find new friends. You can also find some single mom groups through your church, the local hospital or sometimes the meetings are posted in the paper or online.
Last, I stuck with my therapy sessions. Over time, I got so much clarity that what everyone had been telling me started to make sense. You'll get there too. It just takes time.
I think the only way at this point to drop the rope so that H realizes it would be to initiate filing for D. But I really really don't want to do that. For one thing, it's darn expensive. H wants it so bad, let him pay for it. And for another, a D is not what I want and I'm afraid if I file to try and wake him up he'll call my bluff and finalize it.
I rarely talk to H, when I do I will talk about DS, H is the one who initiates talks about the marriage. H is the one who calls me, I will only text him. When he calls I let it go to voicemail then text my response to him. How I wish I could go pitch black and have no interactions with him whatsoever. That would give me time to heal and start to detach.
Mystik,
I have 5 children, so I get what you are saying. You have to have interaction with your h. But make it limited! I agree, it would be so much better if you could have no interaction at all - I think I would be able to heal alot faster and better if I just didn't have to deal with him at all, because every single time I talk to or look at him, I hurt and I don't understand why he did what he did. Also, the whole detaching thing, isn't that what they want anyhow??
With the D question, I have been struggling with that myself. Although I don't want to D, I too have hopes that one day he'll be back and sane again, do I really want to stay in "this" M?? What I'm saying is, I'm considering giving him the D he wants, then when DB works and we R we can get married again. Wouldn't it be fitting to have a new M, one that didn't dwell on all the past issues. I don't know for sure and like I said, I'm still mulling it over, but I am considering it. It's not giving up, it's hoping for something new and improved.
Mystik, Benthann, I am thiking along the same lines... we don't want the old marriage anymore. It's gone. A new improved one would be so much better! In order to have the best chance of reconcilliation, we should give them what they want, the divorce. Only then will they realise what they are losing and that will implode on their new relationships with OW.
I think NOW is the perfect time, Mystik, for you to give him the D he wants. Can you say that you are willing, but that he has to pay for it??? Let him pay for it!!! If he wants it so much!!
I have been reading Private Lies by Pittman, and he says that it's during the divorce process that most affairs implode...
A newborn, a divorce...there's a good chance your WH's affair will implode...
Don't be afraid. Newmama said she felt soooooo much better once the divorce went through. I think you will to.
IMHO.
Also consider the fight the OW will put up. She has a newborn with your H and another son from another R. She is now desperate for a man and his help and she most certainly will not be afraid to put up a legal fight with your H if need be. Clearly her morals are non existent and a newborn is the perfect weapon to use against him.
My H pushed for the divorce because the OW was pushing him to divorce. Once he realized what a divorce would entail HE suggested the separation and I was so ill after 18 months of litigation I agreed. Now I am initiating the divorce and he is not all that happy about it. OW is boring him and his W is done with him. Not all that great for a man that was happier than he ever thought he could be when the OW was interesting. They are hitting the three year mark though and my H's pride and arrogance will keep him in the R forever (as per what he says).
IMO the BEST thing you can do for yourself is get a third party to handle everything between you and your H when it comes to your son. Ask your therapist for resources you can use. This man is harmful to you and your recovery and until he is gone the real recovery will be hampered with his abuse.
Your H won't be the ass that leaves his W AND his OW with a newborn so really, you must just do what you have to do for you.
I strongly urge you to get the divorce done. An abuser has no place in your life or recovery. Even if he does ever decide to leave OW your H has not given any indication of remorse, respect or the desire to change his abusing ways.
And no more changing the pickup or drop off locations for your H. He is unable to come as per the court orders or be where he is supposed to be ON TIME then no son for the day. Get legal help with that if you need to.
I agree with City Girl. If anyone should get an intermediary to assist with your son's visitation exchanges, it's you. I am not singling you out, Mystik. I am so upset and can relate to so much of what you are going through (esp acceptance..wow..that's hard) that I would also insist on a 3rd party if my H was still in the country.
Divorce time. And see if he can pay for it.
Hugs, Mystik. When you have time I'd be interested to hear more about the work the therapists are doing, esp the reality/acceptance stuff.
I hope I don't sound pushy, Mystik. Just trying to be encouraging in what I think is the right direction... HUGS.
What everyone has just said in the last 10 posts... read them over and over and over and over!!!!!
Girl... you are a lot closer to watching the whore's little happy fantasy blow up in her face. DON'T get in the way of that... stand back and watch it happen with a huge smile on your face.
Dropping the rope is both physical and mental. You can do this Mystik. Your therapy can help with this... don't keep trying to talk yourself out of it.
hugs
Abs
I was actually over on another window researching a supervised custody exchange for you and several others posted on it. I strongly suggest that you talk to your therapy team about what is healthiest for you and DS schedule-wise. Then, go to your L and get it drawn up on a parenting plan. Look at the links I gave you earlier about what to include in the plan. Supervised exchange (or transition) is one thing you can get included and stipulate that HE pays for it.
I don't know what area of NY you're in but here's a link to a directory of these agencies for the state:
http://www.svdirectory.com/state.htm?st=ny
I think the only way at this point to drop the rope so that H realizes it would be to initiate filing for D. But I really really don't want to do that. For one thing, it's darn expensive. H wants it so bad, let him pay for it. And for another, a D is not what I want and I'm afraid if I file to try and wake him up he'll call my bluff and finalize it.
I rarely talk to H, when I do I will talk about DS, H is the one who initiates talks about the marriage. H is the one who calls me, I will only text him. When he calls I let it go to voicemail then text my response to him. How I wish I could go pitch black and have no interactions with him whatsoever. That would give me time to heal and start to detach.
Mystik, my dear...I don't want to sound harsh but at this point, I don't care if your H realizes you've dropped the rope. It's more important to me that YOU just do it. This is not some strategy for getting your H back. Although, in the very long run, it might help. Dropping the rope is about YOU getting to a place where you are thinking about what you want and need. Letting go of something that is clearly unhealthy to reach for something different and new.
This is the mistake that a lot of people make when they come here. You are acting from a place of "what will get my H back". You need to be acting from a place of "what is the best thing for me and DS right now". It is a hard mental transition to make. Your therapy is going to help you so much with this. Do the homework they'll give you and really work on YOU.
When my H left, I had lived so long thinking all about him and his needs that I didn't even know what music I liked anymore. My kids wanted to buy me some CD's but I didn't know what to tell them. I had a good cry over that but it really made me see that I had spent too much time on HIM and no time on ME. It makes me so sad that you write so much about your h and so little about you.
Instead of praying for God to bring your H back, try praying that God will give you strength and wisdom to figure what your true needs are in a healthy relationship. Try to pray that God will guide you in the way that He knows is best and give you peace to get through the day. Lean into that strength and peace. It really takes the pressure off if you remember that this burden is His not yours. Say it out loud if you find yourself starting to drift into negative thoughts.
Bethann ~ I try to keep interactions as minimal as possible. I do like the perspective of a new marriage for a renewed relationship.
Piano ~ One of the people I met in the treatment center was going to talk to her aunt and uncle who are divorce lawyers about doing some pro bono work for me. If she's there today she'll hopefully have an answer for me and I'll go from there. An intermediary would be great, I'll have to look into that some more.
CG ~ I've no doubts that Whore will put up a heck of a fight when H leaves her. And he has admitted, at least during last year, that OW was pushing him to divorce me, that's why he was looking into it. Not sure now who wants it, him or her. Changing the exchange locations and time is in the works, I expect the court papers with a court date to come any day now.
Abbey ~ I'm working on radical acceptance of the situation, then I think it will be easier for me to drop the rope. I do keep re-reading everyone's posts. SO much wisdom in them. I think even with just the one week of treatment I'm doing better, going to do my best to keep it up.
Bluestar ~ Thanks so much for the link. There are three in my area, and three in H's area. I'll have to call them to see if they would work well for us. And I do need to get out of the "win H back" place and into a "me, me, me" place. But it's hard, I've spent my entire life being more concerned with other people than myself. Not an eash transition to make. I could write more about my life but felt this journal was about my marriage and my H, that's why I focus mainly on them. I do pray to God to give me the strength and wisdom to know what I have to do and to get it done. But so far not feeling guided into one thing or another yet.
Mystik you are doing very well after just one week. Getting to the "me, me, me" stage is essential and I know you are on your way!
No matter what your H says rally him hard in court regarding your son and the pickup/drop off times and locations. Cheaters and abusers do not get any leeway and your H's newborn, OW or car troubles are not your problems. Your H CHOSE to move far away and support what is now up to three children - those are his consequences to sort out.
A big part of radical acceptance is being mindful of the present. I think once you can remove the thoughts of your H returning, leaving OW and coming home you will be better able to live in the present. As my therapist says - emotional abusers need the minimum of one to two years of treatment before they can even think of being in a healthy R. Just remember - each time your H demands you accept this situation as he does, he is abusing you. Abusers have a special way of demanding acceptance for their transgressions and both my H and yours fit the bill to a "t".
Recovery from such abuse (which usually leads to deep depression, anxiety or panic) has four points:
1. Therapy (you are doing great!)
2. Medication
3. Emotional Support
4. Spiritual Belief
I have been working on my recovery from the abuse, depression and panic for almost 36 months. It *is* a long road but one worth walking. Be proud you got on the road!
I went very dark on my H (much easier w/o children of course!) and now he is desperate to get back some of his control. I finally can stand up to him and I can assure you once you are in that spot you will feel MUCH better. They simply are not worth it. Men that demand you adhere to their infidelity in the manner your H and mine have are dangerous and harmful. They go far beyond the "typical" walk away spouse.
I urge you to journal about your own life here. There are a few people on this site who are in recovery from emotional abuse and it's good for all of us to read!
Have a GREAT day!
Also, I would really try and find a way to finance the divorce. I think it will be VERY hard to find any divorce attny to take your case for free. Also, unless things have changed radically in NY, a divorce attny MUST collect a retainer from a client to proceed and remove their billable hours from the retainer.
I'd imagine you will have to pay a retainer (I kind of have an idea of where you live and you should be able to retain a decent attny for 5K). Your therapy team can submit documentation to your attny and there is a good chance your H will have to pay your legal fees. My attny petitioned my H to pay my legal fees days after I retained them and I easily won. Your attny can also help you with everything about your son with a much harder stance than a court appointed advocate. You can also petition your H to keep paying your insurance and I would certainly ask for spousal maintenance. The fact that you work is not the issue. I work also. If your marriage has reached the 10 year mark you are in a good spot. Your H will have to submit his household income which will include OW's income therefore he will make more than you if OW works.
You can also file under the "poor person's" status in NY which eliminates the filing fees. Your case is complex though. I'd imagine at this point you are classes as "unhealthy" as per NY state guidelines. My lupus fell under "unhealthy" but if you have been diagnosed with long term depression I do believe you would also fall under that category.
Be well my friend!
CG as always, great advice! Mystik, you already sound so much better than a few weeks ago. Just keep working at it.
I wanted to let you know how the supervised transition works with an agency. I researched it for my sitch when I D'd my first H. He was also an abuser. The way it works is you bring DS to the place and walk him in. Then, you leave while DS plays with a worker in a waiting room. After you are gone, your H arrives to pick DS up. You never see him. If you need to communicate something, I'd recommend a notebook that goes between homes. That way there is a written record if he tries to communicate something inappropriate to you. But most of the time, the notebook works well because they get scared to write more than just child notes.
Great info, Bluestar! I knew places as you described existed and I am glad there are several in your area Mystik. This will eliminate TONS of BS and contact with your H. It will also give him a very clear picture that you are no longer fooling around when it comes to custody agreements.
From this point forward do not make ANYTHING easier for your H. The transition agency, IMO, would be such a blessing for you and your son. It will also force your H to adhere to structure.
If you look up SmileyPerson's thread (in the Divorced forum) he mentioned a website he and his wife were using (as per court orders but I think anybody can use it). There is a fee (it was minimal IIRC) but I also think such a service would greatly benefit you. Basically ANY communication you must have with your H (ONLY about your son) must be conveyed via the website. The communication is sent to the court and the attnys so NO BS is allowed and the only info shared is about parenting. I'd imagine it's sort of like a monitored message board system for spouses. He said it eliminated massive amounts of stress with his STBX W in addition to having all communication on record.
Your H think he still can push you around. Once he learns EVERYTHING he says to you will be monitored and submitted to the courts he might think twice about the way he speaks to you. I'd also consider establishing an emergency contact that your H MUST contact if something happens with your son when your H has him. Should something come up the emergency contact will contact you and communication with your H is eliminated. Once you have all that established you can block him from your text/e-mail and phone and not have to deal with him anymore. You can get your son a pre paid cell that only allows your H's number to go through and let them deal with the communication.
I understand co parenting is always best when it comes to divorce but your H is harmful to you. At this time that is not a healthy option for you. When your H starts adhering to the schedules/locations/times, pays you back the money he owes you and STOPS abusing you then perhaps a new plan can be put in place.
I know you are frightened to do all of this but think about it this way - this will FORCE your H to rely on OW for everything... emotional support, transportation, finances, child rearing and scheduling. Eventually that burden will be way too much for her to handle. That is not to say the two of you will reconcile but both your H and OW will only get a full taste of what divorce looks like until you remove yourself totally. And really, you are just doing what he dictated and demanded you do.
Just be sure you get that money he owes you!
I provided the link but it's now gone. That's too bad because it tracked custody, shared expenses for the children and calenders for parents. Nothing more, nothing less.
I'd imagine it was also removed from SmileyPerson's thread as well.
Oh in case you wondering...
I love my FAMILY. Is Harry Potter a WIZARD?
Sometimes important stuff is in caps especially when it protects one from further abuse.
Hi Mystik!
Wow! I am amazed at what has transpired in your thread the last week while my internet was down! You go girl!
Lots of good insight and advice...
Mystik, just a suggestion: add your thread to your email watch list. Also, check your PM too.
CG ~ Wow, lots of information to mull over and digest. I have an attorney that would cost me about $3,000 and my dad said that was too expensive for him to cosign a loan on. So the other lawyer I spoke to starts at $500 and it's pay as you go from there, so who knows what it would be at the end. I will definitely be petitioning for H to pay my attorney fees.
bluestar ~ Thanks for the information about how those types of exchanges work. Definitely something to look into and ask the lawyer about.
CW ~ Yes, lots of good stuff posted over the past few days. Glad you're back.
Romeo ~ Got it, thank you.
Mystik - get in touch with Romeo if you want to find me on FB!
Nothing much exciting going on here. Still struggling with radical acceptance, and with separating acceptance and letting go from approval and losing hope. Doing one does not mean I am also doing the other. My logical mind is on that page, just need to get my emotional mind on that page. I think it's on the wrong book right now.
Still no closer to a decision about whether or not to file. My therapist said to focus on me right now and family court stuff, and not worry about filing. Still waiting for the papers to arrive from family court. Starting to get nervous that we won't get a court date until January and Whore will be picking up DS by the time we get to court.
Therapy is going well, learning a lot of coping techniques to help me with day to day stuff. I'm still working on starting to build self-esteem and being more "me, me, me", it's not easy to reverse a lifetime of bad behavior. In some ways I feel that I don't need the therapy, I've been in a stable mood for three weeks now, but I also know that I still have a long ways to go. This stable mood could change at any time, there are so many things that could trigger it. Just in a weird place right now.
Dreamt about H last night, he was driving me to pick up DS and was having car problems. Currently my car is having problems that I'm stressed about, so I know that's why that was in my dream. I have now realized that a big contributor, if not the main contributor, to our marriage breaking down was my depression. Neither H nor I understood it or knew how to handle it so we just limped along until we fell apart. I feel that if I could explain my depression to him, tell him that I'm doing better, that I can be a better wife that he should give us a second chance. Or even just explain to him what I'm going through, have gone through, how the depression affected my behavior and thoughts that he wouldn't be so harsh in his words and actions. But I know that it won't work. He is in the alien zone right now, nothing I say to him will make a difference.
Still praying for strength and guidance. Can't get through this situation without His help.
You're doing a good job. And you're right, Mystik, talking to him about your changes will not have a positive effect.
You should definitely be proud of yourself.
CityGirl--
You may have overstretched the definition of abuse. And that wouldn't be the right focus, nor is encouraging Mystik to divorce her husband. It isn't what she wants, and it isn't what we do here at divorcebusting.com. We work to SAVE marriages, and help people get and give more love in their relationships. If they don't work out, then we support them emotionally, help detect solutions for moving on with their lives.
I understand your experiences make you feel strongly about her situation, you may feel you have so many similarities, but no two relationships are the same. You only live in your own situation. We only see one side of her relationship.
We need to support Mystik in her goal even if we think her H is a jerk.
Home with DS today, poor Boo has a fever and said his stomach doesn't feel good. Hoping it's just a 24 hour bug and he's back to normal tomorrow. Bummed a bit that I am missing treatment today, was going to be my first Thursday there.
Got the court papers today, we go January 4th. Feeling quite sick to my stomach and terrified of how H will respond when he gets to where he lives and sees the forms. I am just praying that H will forgive me for this filing and ths isn't destroying any chance of reconciling in the future.
I didn't realize it was possible to feel sicker than I did when I got my mail and saw the court envelope.
Called the lawyer, have to call him back Sunday to set up a date to go over my wish list and pay him the retainer. While on the phone with the lawyer H called, didn't click over. So he called my cell, DS answered. When I got off the phone DS brought the cell phone to me and I took it, figured it was time to face the music. But H wasn't calling about court papers. He had made some calls today about getting himself a nebulizer for DS and wanted to fill me in on what he learned and that the insurance company will most likely be calling me. During the conversation he also said if I could get receipts or anything to prove how much he owes me because he knows we disagree on that, he wants to get that matter settled.
I feel so sick. Why did he have to call and say he's ready to work out a payment agreement today of all days? He's going to be livid when he gets the court paperwork.
I wish I'd listened to my instincts and not filed the court papers at all.
DBMod I did not overstretch the definition of abuse. What training to you have in the area of recovery from emotional abuse to make a statement like that?
Emotional abuse happens when one individual is harming another despite the fact the one being harmed has clearly let the abuser know their actions are harmful. And no, I am NOT talking about the harmful action of cheating or leaving. I am talking direct person to person contact. Emotionally manipulating, blackmailing and attempting to control anothers thoughts and actions is VERY abusive.
I NEVER suggested Mystik divorce her H because she did not want to save her marriage. I suggested Mysik divorce her H because he is not following the family court orders, he is not doing what he is supposed to be doing financially for HIS CHILD and his mistress is becoming very invested in Mystik's sons life.
As per the information she posted the ONLY way to stop or change those things is via legal channels. Mystik has ASKED her H to pay the money (he didn't then tried to blackmail her), she has ASKED her H to not have OW drive her son around (again, request denied) and she has ASKED her H not to change the schedule/times of child exchanges (he still does what he wants and has Mystik driving all over town at the last minute).
When you (generally speaking) are AFRAID and FEARFUL to the point of panic/anxiety/depression to create boundaries then you are being abused.
Flaunting his mistress in his W's face (and he has many, many times) is abusive. Demanding she comply with everything he says is abusive. Not paying the money he owes is abusive.
It is not even close to a normal reaction to have your teeth chattering when you have to pull up to the house where your H lives. It's a sign of deep anxiety that is now physical.
Not being able to sleep without obsessive thoughts, not doing anything social, not keeping a clean and neat home, not taking care of weight/health issues and being unable to focus on things aside from a WAS is a very, very serious problem. And yes, we all feel that way (to a degree) at first but this has been going on for almost 2 years. At that point one needs help.
Surviving on high doses of anxiety medication is a short term fix but that has not been the case here - Mystik has been on these meds since last summer.
I don't know your situation nor do I care to know (and if you think the few threads I have here even *begin* to cover when I endured, think again). Verbally abusing, emotionally manipulating, blackmailing, flaunting and withholding funds from the family ARE abusive.
The mere fact that Mystik's H thought he was above the law and failed to follow family court orders is an obvious sign he feels the rules of basic conduct don't apply to him.
And really - it's also pretty classic when an emotionally abused person has such a deep seeded need to please the abuser and win their approval. And sadly it seems Mystik has that need.
You are correct, not everybody here has been emotionally abused but when there *are* cases of abuse (and this is one of them) it is ESSENTIAL it's recognized and the people offering support are not crucified for suggesting they REMOVE THEMSELVES FROM FURTHER EMOTIONALLY HARM. One cannot get well when they keep getting harmed.
If Mystik wants to try and rebuild a marriage with this man that is great. But right now she needs to protect her health and money. She has ASKED her H to handle the money different and his response was blackmail. Now the next step is family court which will take care of many of the child issues.
It's very dangerous to downplay things are say I am stretching them when something very awful is taking place. Being bullied when you are in hell is not something I would wish on anybody.
Cancelled DS's appointment with his counselor this evening, which worked out because she hasn't even called his teacher yet. DS just isn't feeling well enough. He's playing now but only because I gave him Motrin to bring down the fever, which he's still slightly warm.
And DB Mod - just to be fair since I asked you.
I have been in therapy for the past three years on a weekly (sometimes more) basis. I participate in a "master" divorce support group hosted by my therapist twice a month and now am training to be a peer counselor in the divorce support group. The group I am training with specializes in emotional abuse and anxiety.
An expert I am not - but I *do* have experience in this matter on both the receiving end and now the healing end.
It's not a term to take lightly or toss around willy nilly but when it is present it's important to talk about it. Not to harm or embarrass somebody (god no!) but to help the person in crises remove as much harm as possible for their own emotional safety.
I do appreciate CityGirl's input, she has made me see the situation from a different perspective. I know that the way H treats me isn't right, even if it's what is familiar.
I feel so sick. Why did he have to call and say he's ready to work out a payment agreement today of all days? He's going to be livid when he gets the court paperwork.
I wish I'd listened to my instincts and not filed the court papers at all.
Mystik, I want you to know something. The ONLY chance you have of fixing this M is to find your power and claim it. Your H doesn't respect you right now and is treating you that way. You have be able to be an equal in any R. Your instincts are off right now. You did the right thing.
Also, I find it very curious that the paperwork shows up today and, BAM, he is calling you to "resolve" this. Don't talk to him about it. He is trying to manipulate you into something that will only benefit him. That is evidenced by he statement about "disagreeing" on the amount. I have no doubt he got the papers and he has begun to try to what he alawys does...manipulate you into doing what he wants.
Don't let him. You are stronger now. Talk to your L. Let him handle this. You already tried talking to H and it didn't work. You did what you had to do. Be Strong! Talk to your therapy team tomorrow. Don't talk to your H again about the money until you retain the L and talk to your therapist.
Also, I find it very curious that the paperwork shows up today and, BAM, he is calling you to "resolve" this. Don't talk to him about it. He is trying to manipulate you into something that will only benefit him. That is evidenced by he statement about "disagreeing" on the amount. I have no doubt he got the papers and he has begun to try to what he alawys does...manipulate you into doing what he wants.
YES YES YES YES a THOUSAND times yes. Now is the WORST possible time to consider reconsidering. The past makes him think he can throw you a bone and go right back to business as usual. But you are the new and improving Mystik who is not going to let that happen! And when he realizes that you are not going to let that happen, he is going to be caught off guard. And yeah, probably a little ticked ... but also a little intrigued. Whether he wants to admit it or not.
You are doing so well right now. I applaud all your efforts, all the things you are doing FOR YOU. Hang tough!!!
Thanks for the support. He hasn't texted or called with an irate message like I was expecting. Wonder if he's going to try to e-mail me at work tomorrow? If he does he'll get a message saying I'm out of the office.
Definitely looking forward to therapy tomorrow.
CityGirl and Mystik,
CityGirl has a great perspective but she uses the words 'abusive' and 'ONLY' a lot in a several scenarios that are exxagerated.
CityGirl--you do have a great heart and a perspective that is just wonderful for Mystik. But abusive IS exxagerated here. And 'ONLY' is misplaced and is incorrect. You may have experience, but the experts for this place are the DB Coaches and Michele.
That does not discount your Point of View. You have a wonderful point and perspective. And it is helpful for Mystik. Please keep giving her the support.
I will not debate this on Mystik's thread.
Dreamt about H last night. In my dream he was coming back to me and was telling me that I needed to understand he had loved OW and to give him time to get over that. He said that he told me he was over me but it wasn't true, the feelings were still there. I went to group therapy so excited to tell them H and I were working things out... Then I woke up.
Not able to go to treatment today. DS has to be fever-free for 24 hours before he can return to school, and my mom has today off so she can't watch him for me to go to treatment. He is feeling better today, still a bit warm to the touch but not as bad as yesterday.
Not feeling as anxious today as I was yesterday. So that's a good thing.
Nothing much went on today. Went out and got a new tree and new ornaments for it. While I was setting the tree up I was getting a bit sad, thinking about how H should be there helping me and DS get ready for Christmas as a family. So trying to push away the thoughts about H.
Was going through DS's papers from school the other night and there was one about what he likes to do with his family, and in the drawing was four people. I immediately thought he drew H, Whore, her brat and himself. So like I usually do I asked him to tell me about the picture. He drew me, H, himself and the bastard child. Took me aback for a moment.
H has been on my mind a lot today. I keep trying to push him out of there but he always finds his way back in. The holidays were hard on me last year, looks like this year will be more of the same.
Just feeling rather down these past few days. Really missing H and ruminating on what could have, what should have, been. I know that I just need to be patient and wait out the affair to blow up in H's face, but it's darn hard to do at times. I hate not knowing what is going to happen when. I know that I need to trust God and in his timing, that He has it all under control. I'm not a patient person, I have the rest of my life though to learn some and wait this thing out.
What I see is that you've been away from your therapy for a few days so you've backslid a little. Keep working on the homework they've given you and make sure you get back on Monday. The old thinking will keep trying to creep back in because your brain has become wired to accept it as fact when it's not. You've got to keep working to restructure your thinking.
You're doing great, Mystik. Try to just enjoy the moments as they happen and not dwell on the past or what you think "should" be. Make some new rituals just for you and your DS.
I am trying to use the skills but they aren't working so well for me. It doesn't help that I'm not yet familiar with all of them.
Cried after dropping DS off to his father this morning. Teared up but didn't outright cry after picking him up. It is so damn hard seeing H driving around in Whore's car, perfectly comfortable with it. I'm just feeling so drained right now.
I feel like right now, I can accept that H is not with me. But I cannot accept that he chose Whore over me. I cannot accept that H may not return. To accept those would be admitting defeat and permanent loss of H.
Hey Mystik
I don't think that "accepting" what is happening with your H right now would be admitting defeat or permanent loss of your H.
What you'd be "accepting" is this...
what is going on with your H right now IS BEYOND YOUR CONTROL.
There is nothing you can do FOR him right now...nothing!
But...you are doing something for YOU and YOUR S by going to therapy, practicing your newly learned skills and taking care of you!!! Give yourself some time...like bluestar said, it will take some time to learn the new way of thinking!
Hang in there girl!!!!
The skills are working better than you think. There is sooo much growth in both of those posts. Teared up but didn't cry. Can accept that H is not with me (or really anything about your sitch)... Both show major growth!! So proud of you.
Sweetie,
I am so sorry this is so tough, so intense for you. Like I said, I did not want to live when I first came here. And if you can stand it, I am still 'friends' with this guy, but I have the upper hand. He is not the man I was involved with.
This board, Michele personally, and her works not only saved 'me'; SHE and her works taught me skills that saved my romantic relationship (I'll give you details if you are interested); my relationship with my children; and work and work relationships. I am almost 10 years strong. You can't get more pathetic than I WAS--and I was a s l o w learner. But I built my skills, and I KNOW you can too, because you are a good person.
You are special, Mystik, and you can do this. I just feel you can come through this really strong. And I so know it's hard.
A few years ago, my D23(now) had been through some similar programs. She was hospitalized, the went through some outpatient programs. She's doing really well now. It is a slow road, but give yourself some time.
peace and ALL good,
sg
Mystik,
You sound alot like what I am going through. I am working the skills, and I want desperately for my H to come back to me, but I know as long as he is with OW then he will not be with me. I am only 4 weeks into this, but I know one thing, I have to take care of me. I KNOW how hard it is dealing with all these emotions. Especially when it comes to our children.
I don't believe my H is thinking clearly and will not, until he really admits what he is doing to himself. I can think pragmatically all the time, but I get in trouble when I let emotion get in the way.
You keep working on you and being the best mom and single woman out there. You don't have to date or even look at another man, but take care of yourself as if you would!
Prayers are with you!
Thanks for the support everyone. Hanging in there, today was another rough day. Overslept this morning but I did get to treatment. Still feeling rather hopeless but trying to get back into the hopeful mindset. I still keep looking for contact from H and feeling down when there is none. Just missing him really bad right now.
Aw. Each day you get to treatment is a 'score' on your card. Once again, I'm proud of you.
Someday--soon he will do a double-take when he looks at you.
Hi Mystik,
just getting caught up. Glad you got your tree, and the sadness about memories is bound to be there every time you see those things, but not as sad over time. You are definitely sounding stronger and I'm sorry your DS was sick...but sounds like he is on the mend!
About the picture....your S seems to "get it." Your his mom, his dad's his dad, and the new baby is his "(half) brother." No OW in there at all....or her other son (she does have another child, right?)
Oh, and I doubt that filing for D will make anyone not want to reconcile in the future-- "What? You wanted to divorce me when I cheated on you, got another woman pregant and left you and our son for her?! How could I ever forgive you for filing for divorce?" see how ridicilous that looks!
NM, I just keep praying that next year is different, and hopefully H has woken from his fog by then. DS is doing better, I think. His cough is horrendous today and he is complaining of nausea. Not sure if it's from post-nasal drip or the stomach bug lingering.
Yes, OW has another child. But when I think of our family it's just me, H and DS. No other child because I have no other child. It is the OW's child, not mine, so therefore not part of my family. I can't deal with it being part of my family right now. When H returns I'll figure it out then.
I know that if I file for D my H will be jumping for joy. It's the filing for out of pocket support, change to visitation and to have the daycare taken from his paycheck that I fear will impact chances of reconciliation.