have broken down and told the returning spouse about this site?
I mean, besides Coach and Greek?
robx, dday, puppy dog tails, i think there are more, but i don't know.
you?
I'm hoping for me, but it doesn't look good.
My ex and I did not reconcile.
But, even if we had, I doubt I would have shown him this site.
My ex and I did not reconcile.
But, even if we had, I doubt I would have shown him this site.
Because?
Greek
It was tough to read Coach here...initially. I did not prefer my business put out 'there' without my consent. But. But. But, open mind, open heart...I learned/learn here, too. So all good.
Greek
I misread the question because it ran from the topic line into the note. Sorry. i don't know if those people actually told the returning spouse about the site.
Yeah.
To me, it smacks of "showing them the playbook." And we all know that's a big no-no.
Well, no-no, I would agree, while still "in play". But after reconciliation, isn't there some wisdom to share about how to piece? Again, not easy - we/I struggled with Coach being here. But long run, both LEARNED here.
I guess the timing is important.
What's going on?
Greek
My husband and I reconciled, but I will never share this site with him. We've discussed everything that happened between us and shared strategies to keep us good. However, this is my private space.
He knows I had an online support group, but he doesn't need to know the details.
SD
Yeah, jeez, what if they left again?
What are the chances DB would work again after that? I mean, what with the WAS having such razor-sharp BS detectors and all........
I dunno about you Kimmie but I am going to do everything to save my marriage this time but if we R and this happened again I don't think I could do this again.
Yeah, jeez, what if they left again?
Their loss?
I don't think too many people go through this, set firm boundaries, break free of of permanent codependency, reconcile, and then live in fear that it will happen again.
What I mean is, if they did leave again, how well would DB work if they knew about this site?
It's not advised. You will may be judged by how well you follow the standards.
My guy knows. He's not 'into' talking about relationships. But then....I hear him giving some of this advice to one of his guy friends who goes through some troubles.
You just have to be careful
Some folks do KLA/Marriage Breakthrough together and get on this site together. But if you started out working through this own, weigh it carefully before you share.
I told my H that I joined an online support group but have never given him the specifics of the site and he has never asked.
And if H had another A.... well... that would be the dealbreaker. I would not have to DB again to save my marriage. Just would use DBing to be a better me.
The advice and histories on this site helped me to put my M back together again; however, I have never told my H about this site. As a MLCer, his memories of his depressed years are rather hazy, and I don't think this site could offer him the same sort of support that I got from it. That said, the information I got here is crucial to how we've reworked our M. If H had another EA ... it wouldn't matter whether he'd found this site or not: once was enough for me.
In terms of others who've saved their marriages, there was a woman called Morgan, later SallyM, whose H found her writing here. He was furious, but kept reading and was amazed by how highly people regarded his wife (and criticized him). It forced him to work on himself, and they were reconciled. HOWEVER, she was pretty much unable to post here any longer, talking about specifics, because she knew he was looking over her shoulder, which lost her the support network she'd built up here.
On the other side of the coin was a lady called Rotzilla or something like that, who had her H come and do a thread together with her after she busted his affair years ago. She was back last year, now that her H was in MLC, and found that his knowledge of her DB tactics was used against her.
On the other side of the coin was a lady called Rotzilla or something like that, who had her H come and do a thread together with her after she busted his affair years ago. She was back last year, now that her H was in MLC, and found that his knowledge of her DB tactics was used against her
Yep. That would be the problem.
Tactics are paper tiger crap in the end.
Change or do not change, and go through life a codependent with crappy boundaries who is constantly angling to find newer and more secret tactics to "control" somebody else's bad behavior.
Tactics are paper tiger crap in the end.
Change or do not change, and go through life a codependent with crappy boundaries who is constantly angling to find newer and more secret tactics to "control" somebody else's bad behavior.
Exactly right!!
I think after doing the customary self-examination, and the extensive personal rehab, we need to take the time to take an honest look at our spouses, too. It takes two to make a healthy relationship and since the WAS tends to make poor relationship choices from the get go, the odds are that they need to do a lot of work themselves. If they won't/can't, doesn't much matter what we do.
At some point, I'll chronicle "the rest of my story," but suffice it to say that after doing all the work on myself, which I do not regret, I found out that my wife has been hiding some significant mental health issues and right now I'm doing what I can to make sure she gets healthy for herself and for my children. I've led the horse to water, now I can only hope that she drinks.
Moral of the story, it ain't always us, and sometimes the sitch is out of our control.
Tactics are paper tiger crap in the end.
Change or do not change, and go through life a codependent with crappy boundaries who is constantly angling to find newer and more secret tactics to "control" somebody else's bad behavior.
Be careful TH,
speaking the truth like that might get your posts censored ;-)
- nice post btw
So, WAS are to be told of this paper tiger site?
Things are so bad with so many here, maybe it couldn't hurt.
I wouldn't tell them. The books/this site were not designed for that. I would try to get them to read books like The Truth About Love, The Five Languages of Love, etc. I think that would be much more productive.
Yeah, why not?
If offering one of these books to your WAS, without a desperate or patronizing attitude, at least it's an honest attempt to make things better and not manipulate.
Put all your cards on the table.
In fact, Christmas is coming and books make great gifts!
Change or do not change, and go through life a codependent with crappy boundaries who is constantly angling to find newer and more secret tactics to "control" somebody else's bad behavior.
I agree that people come here because they are codependent, have never learned to set boundaries, and are often closet controllers/victims. If it takes them several months to learn more effective behaviours, that's expected and fine. Coming back to this site a second time, however, suggests that they have not internalized/stuck with the necessary changes.
I don't know that "tactics are paper crap in the end" if they're used as intended. At the end of her book for wives, MWD tells them that they probably bought the book thinking they were going to change their husbands--but look what happened: they've been forced to change themselves.
The same is true of all the DB "tactics" I believe: they start with the LBS "faking it" to gain some control over their situation, but they end, in most cases, with self-respecting adults who demand healthy relationships. These tactics are something for the bombed LBSer to cling to while making the necessary changes to him/herself.
My wife knows about this site, after we pieced. But to my knowledge has not been here, if she did she'd figure out who I am damn quick.
She listens to the "Keeping Love Alive" CDs.
She has talked with a few on the phone, meet one in the real world.
But giving her the play book, if all this happens again?
: )
Ain't going to happen again. Not because I won't allow her to, but I won't allow myself to. If she goes WAW on me, I'll look to the problems I let creep back into myself, fix those and move along.
Once? A mistake; more than once, and now your looking at the possibility of a repeating history and pattern.
I wouldn't tell them. The books/this site were not designed for that. I would try to get them to read books like The Truth About Love, The Five Languages of Love, etc. I think that would be much more productive.
Those books on love are productive at a certain level.
If your spouse is involved with any addiction, or dealing with emotional abuse of any level, those books won't help you.
Sorry but I find there's way too much chat about love as a tool to resolve marriages at risk here and not enough about protecting yourself from abuse...
There IS a limit... And I don't hear that discussed nearly enough...
Cause that limit is a personal choice.
I agree with the people who said that there's no worries about the spouse knowing the tactics in case of a "next time," because if there's a next time, I am fo' sho' gone. I made that very clear to my H, that if he's dissatisfied or has a problem with me or our marriage, he is to be a big boy and talk to me instead of holding on to it and then falling into an EA with some tramp.
The thing about DBing is that, on the surface, it seems to be about manipulation, and I suspect some people enter into the practice with that in mind. However, truly applied, it is a reflective process that taught me how to detach from expectations, communicate better, set boundaries, and become happy with myself. I wanted H to remove his head from his buttocks, but I'd reached the point where it was just peachy if he didn't. I was okay with ME.
SD
This is my second go-around and I couldn't care less if my H knew I was here or not.
The first time I was fanatic about deleting my history. I fixed what was wrong with me, learned how to "act as if" and GAL and "detach" and all the other great tactics used here.
It put a bandaid on the real problems, which are H's impatience and lack of impulse control. And his verbal and emotional abuse. No amount of GAL or detaching can fix that--it bought me a couple more years, but in the end, this is not a R that can be fixed.
Funny enough, H now wants to read my 5 LLs book and I do think I had one of his LLs wrong--doesn't matter, there is just WAY too much wrong to worry about that now. If he can figure out some things and have hope for his next R, well that is great. I wish him the best but I don't want him back.
If you read Dr Harleys books His Needs/Her Needs and Love Busters Dr Harley talks about how much damage has been done to marriages by the CoDependent Movement. Dr Harley states that if we plan to have a great marriage we will all be codependent because if we are not CD then we get involved with selfish me, me, me, behavior. I had a wife that read the CD books, and it was at this same time when she took off on her online affairs which led to bedroom affairs. I am not a big supporter of the CD movement because like Dr Harley states if you want to have a great marriage and meet each others emotional needs you will be considered a CD person. Well that makes me a CD person because I set about meeting my wife emotional needs, and I prefer that she meet my emotional needs, too. So, we are all somewhat CD, or we run off and fight being CD and do our own thing with total disregard for meeting our spouse's emotional needs. This is something to give some thought to.
For a different perspective, try Passionate Marriage, by sex therapist David Schnarch. It totally changed the way I think about marriage and sex, and explains how codependence (or not "holding onto yourself") undermines both. It's an amazing book that our C recommended (though it's also been recommended dozens of times on this website) and I found it quite transformational.
Cyrena,
Beautiful name...by the way...
I will buy a copy of the book...
I enjoy a good read...
Thanks for the tip...
If I had a nickel for every LBS who said, "In case of a next time, I am fo' sho' gone..."......