Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: idontunderstand The Next Phase II - 10/25/10 04:33 PM
Starting a new thread as requested.



Journaling-

Interesting weekend. W's sister had a hayride/party on Sat. We were both invited and W had not said anything about going. BIL told me to come no matter what W decides to do. So, after getting home from an all day long fishing trip, I played with the kids for a while and made small talk with the W. She had taken the kids clothes shopping and showed me what she bought and asked what I thought of the new clothes. I said they all looked good and complemented her on the things she had bought and for finding sales on almost everything.

About 6:00, I got in the shower and then got dressed. I got out the iron and was pressing a new shirt when she came in the bedroom and asked what I was doing. I said I was going to her sister's party and then going to the wedding that we were invited to. I asked if she was going to the party and she said no. She asked if I was leaving now and I said as soon as I got ready. I went and told the kids goodbye and as I was getting my keys, W asked if I wanted anything to eat, she had made supper. I said, thanks, it smells good but I would eat later.

Had a good time at the party. W's family was friendly and I sat and ate with her mom and dad. Didn't go on the hayride but had a few beers and talked and ate. I went to the wedding and saw a lot of old friends and had a good time there, too. I got home a little before midnight and she was in bed for the first time in about a week. I fell right to sleep.

We got up Sun. and went to church. She said her mom was having a cook out. I asked what time she was leaving and she said right after church and that I was welcome to come. I did go and had fun. I probably should have said I had other plans. Anyway, it was good other than W pretty much ignoring me. I mingled with her family and joked and laughed and she was the one who looked pretty foolish sitting there like a bump on a log. The kids played with their cousins and our two little ones came to me when they needed something as they usually do.

I did hear back from the house I put a bid in on. They rejected my bid but made a counter offer for $5000 more. I really wish I could find something to rent but there is nothing in the area. This house is BIG and cheap. It would take some work but would be worth it. I need to bite the bullet and just do it. If things change in my sitch, we could sell one of the homes, hopefully. I need to look out for me and the kids.
Posted By: pigskin Re: The Next Phase II - 10/25/10 04:48 PM
Geez - some hubris on the account of the home sellers. How do you ask for more when no one is selling any houses across the country?

Weird how your W is acting. Decides to sleep in bed, then ignores you at her own family's gathering the following day. Don't get me wrong, I've seen it a hundred times, but my W has never gotten so close as to sleep in the same bed since we separated.

She seems to be content riding in limbo. Amazing how that works. You would think people who would go so far as to risk the dissolution of their marriage would not let anything stop them from getting away from this horrid spouse that has pushed them to that extreme.

Her going to church is still a big plus. Glad to see she is still keeping that up.
Posted By: DanF Re: The Next Phase II - 10/25/10 05:05 PM
Keep up the good work IDU! Can you afford the extra $5k? I don't recall how long the house has been on the market, do you know? If it has been a long time, you could counter again with your original offer, but you don't want to let $5k spread over how many years (30?) stop you from moving on. How much extra is that per month? I'm not saying do it, but you need to consider it.

Good luck and hang in there, you are doing great!
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 10/25/10 05:09 PM
Quote:
Her going to church is still a big plus. Glad to see she is still keeping that up.


I think that can only be a good thing, too. I did have to call her out on some CB during church, though. When it came time to offer one another a sign of peace, we all shook hands with the kids, people in other pews, her brother was right behind us and shook hands with me. After the melee with the kids, I stood there and looked at her. She wouldn't even make eye contact. I waited for at least 15 seconds and stuck my hand out right under her down turned face. She shook it and I said, "peace,W."

As for the house, it has been vacant for three years. The asking price is $45000. I offered $25000 and they countered with $30000. It was foreclosed on so a bank in TX holds the mortgage. It needs some work but is not in bad shape. There's no power so I don't know about the furnace, AC, etc. It is priced right even at 30000 for a 2500 sq. ft. home as long as it wouldn't take another $100000 to fix up. I don't think it would, but want the power on so I can check it out a little more. If I get it for 30 and have to spend 20 on it, that doesn't seem bad to me. Just the fact of having two mortgages for a while isn't too exciting.
Posted By: DanF Re: The Next Phase II - 10/25/10 05:18 PM
Originally Posted By: idontunderstand
[Just the fact of having two mortgages for a while isn't too exciting.


I hear that dude!!
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: The Next Phase II - 10/25/10 05:31 PM
When I had my divorce, I had the option to take the house. It was my dream house in an old neighborhood. It had a Garage apartment, which I considered renting out to cover some of my taxes, etc.
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 10/25/10 06:33 PM
Originally Posted By: WalkingMan
When I had my divorce, I had the option to take the house. It was my dream house in an old neighborhood. It had a Garage apartment, which I considered renting out to cover some of my taxes, etc.


My W told me I could keep the house and she didn't want any money as a buyout. After she talked to a L, she decided maybe 50-50 wasn't best for the kids, I would have to pay her x amount because she couldn't find a place that she could afford. I said that wasn't my problem. She said it was my problem that I should be concerned where and how my kids were living. I said the kids have a place to live...You get the idea.

The fact is, I don't think I could afford to keep our house. Things are tight now with both of us here. I would like nothing better than to keep it so the kids can come to the only place they have ever known as "home".

Another part of this mess I realize I can't control.
Posted By: DanF Re: The Next Phase II - 10/25/10 07:08 PM
I'm in the same boat with you IDU. I heard last night from a husband of one of W's friends that she thinks she will be able to stay in the house with the kids. These people are real estate agents and they told her that she is crazy to think that.

I might be able to stay in the house after the D if I wanted to, but the price is just too high. I can live there for $2,500/month or rent a brand new 3 br raised ranch for $1,100 from my current landlord. Not a very tough choice there.

I told W that I didn't care if she stayed in the house, as long as she could afford it based on a standard settlement. I also told her that she MAY be able to make the payments, but probably doesn't want to because she won't have any money left for anything else. She is delusional and living in fantasyland!!

We will both be starting over too.

We have to deal with so many things we can't control because of these decisions. It is unfortunate, but there is no other way.

Good luck!
Posted By: flowmom Re: The Next Phase II - 10/25/10 09:39 PM
Right now STBXH has the kids 25% of the time. I am very grateful that STBXH has acknowledged the importance of our children continuing to live in our home (which I am currently occupying), and he has expressed a willingness to work with me to make that financially possible. For example, his pension is an asset that he could keep while I keep a corresponding amount of the home equity. I also acknowledge and support his desire to find a home that he wants, largely for my children's benefit. I think that divorced couples can have fair settlements while still trying to be creative about making it work to ensure that both of their children's homes work for the children and the parents.

Anyway, good for you for being proactive. I envy you the real estate prices! Homes, even apartments in this city run $400,000-1,000,000 (including fixer uppers).
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 10/27/10 06:18 PM
Quote:
Anyway, good for you for being proactive. I envy you the real estate prices! Homes, even apartments in this city run $400,000-1,000,000 (including fixer uppers).


Yeah, well, I live in the middle of no where. The house I'm looking at is definitely and fixer-upper. On average, homes run @ $100k. Regardless, it's a pretty good deal.

I have been following Pinhead's thread and feel like I am in much the same frame of mind. I know it's all a personal decision as how to "let go". My W won't leave the home. Period. There's no forcing her to leave. I thought if I lined up a home for myself and the kids I would have an easier time with letting her go. OTOH, I won't be the one to leave. The same reason I don't want to be the one to file. There may come a time I have to change my reasoning, but I'm not there, yet. I fully understand where and why Pin is doing what he is.

Boys had a ball game last night. They got beat really bad, it wasn't pretty. I told her before I left for work that I expected her to save me a seat. She didn't have to talk to me and didn't have to stay there after I got there but I was going to sit with my kids/family. She did save me a seat and was at least polite.

The good news: one twin scored 8 points. smile
The bad news: that's all the points our team scored. shocked (other team had 86 points mad) A lot of really mad parents last
night. Talk about running up the score!
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 10/29/10 02:43 PM
Kids had another game last night. Both did well, again. I sat with my family and enjoyed the game.

Afterwards, we bought the kids a snack and W went to help clean up the gym. I was watching D7 and S4 while they ran around and played. Twins were changing clothes and talking to friends. It was getting late and W said to go ahead and take the kids home. I drive an old '93 Chevy Cavalier to work. It runs good but is really a piece of junk and that's okay because only I drive it and it only gets driven to work. W has a van and I have an extended cab truck, also. I came to the game straight from work so I had my junky old car. Oh, and it's a stick shift. So W and the super are cleaning up and I tell her I will be glad to take the kids home, can she drive the car? That set her off, she waved her had at me and started to march off, all pissy, and said she would take care of it. I started to say there wasn't enough room and she grunted and kept walking.

I did load the kids up in my little car and took them home. I got them showered and ready for bed. W got home about a half hour later. We watched TV for a while and got the kids in bed. I went out to my shed to mess around and drink a beer. I went back in the house when I figured the kids were asleep. W was watching TV in the recliner. I told her calmly, "You know, T1 had a full order of nachos and a soda, T2 had a big bag of popcorn and a soda, and the other two had snack and sodas, too. You know how much room there is in my little car. When I said I would take the kids home in the van if you would drive the car, you threw your little fit. I tried to explain why to you and you blew me off with a 'whatever' and a wave of you hand. I don't care if you like me, I'm past that. I do deserve to be treated at least as well as you would treat a stranger. I did nothing to deserve that and it won't happen again. I think it would be best if you started sleeping on the couch again starting tonight. You really need to find a place to go since you don't want to be here, you have had plenty of time. Good-night."

Don't know if that was good or not. I had to kind of talk myself into it and to remember to stay calm. I thought of Coach and others about how to say things. This morning was about the usual, she didn't really speak to me much but she wasn't really pissy either. I should have been standing up for myself all along. Why is that so hard to understand? It sure as hell shouldn't be.
Posted By: DanF Re: The Next Phase II - 10/29/10 03:53 PM
Originally Posted By: idontunderstand

Don't know if that was good or not. I had to kind of talk myself into it and to remember to stay calm. I thought of Coach and others about how to say things. This morning was about the usual, she didn't really speak to me much but she wasn't really pissy either.


I think that was a great little speech IDU and I think you are EXACTLY right. I'm glad you could remain calm, that is somehting that I have struggled with. Your W has had more than enough time to find a place to go if that is what she truly wants. There can be a million excuses, but at some point, it is time for life to progress and for everyone to move on.

Originally Posted By: idontunderstand
I should have been standing up for myself all along. Why is that so hard to understand? It sure as hell shouldn't be.


It is hard because you are afraid of making her mad and risking loosing your W and your M. I know, I was there too. It is very hard to take that chance. For me, she had to file for D before I woke up.

Keep up the great work IDU. You are excelling at this now. It is YOU time now baby! Do what you want for yourself.
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 10/29/10 04:06 PM
Thanks for the encouragement, Dan.

I know what you mean about staying calm. When she started in with her attitude after the game, my first thought was to go off on her and tell her what an a$$ she was being. I was really pissed. But, if I have learned anything, it is that doing that doesn't help me at all. It helps reinforce to her that I am the way I am and it will never be any different. It has a much better effect on both of us to call her out in a calm fashion. It keeps my blood pressure down and by walking away and not letting her berate me or get baited into an argument, I can remain calm and let her stew all she wants.

I'm not excelling, but I am still learning and, I guess, fine tuning things.

Thanks, again.
Posted By: pigskin Re: The Next Phase II - 10/30/10 10:37 PM
Well done IDU.

What got me though is you being there with your W and the super cleaning up the gym. Don't know if I could do that.
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 11/01/10 03:11 PM
Journaling -

Had a pretty good weekend. On my way home Fri. night, friend called and asked me to stop for a beer on the way home. His sister and BIL just bought a bar, which I had helped fix up a little bit, and it was their first weekend being open to the public. I txtd W and told her I was going out after work. Got home @ 11:00. Sat. is the big Mardi Gras in the town I went to High School at. It's about a half hour away. We always go to a friends house, watch the parade and go to the K.C. Hall for the costume party/dance. More people come home this time of year than at Christmas. It's a pretty big deal.

Sat. morning, W was going grocery shopping. She asked if I needed to take anything to "Sally's" house. I said I already had stuff to take, thanks. I left around 5:30 and saw a bunch of old friends, got invited to several things coming up and had a great time.

Sun morning we got the kids ready for church. Kids said they went to the school board V.P. house for their daughters b'day party. I didn't know anything about this. NBD. Then the kids started telling me who all was there and, of course, the super was included. As hard as I tried to not let it affect me, I'm sure it did. I asked her what she had planned for the day so I could make plans with the kids for tric-or-treating if she didn't have any. Why, she asked and I just said so I know what's going on.

When W got home from taking kids to PSR class, I was getting S4 ready for church. She came in and said, "You don't let me know anything you are doing. You didn't tell me you were going out Fri. or Sat. I just forgot about this b'day party until the mom called and asked if we were coming. I sat around and talked to such and suchs W and played with the kids." She went on and on about me going out Fri and Sat and she didn't know where I was and who I was with. Then she brought up the b'ball game the other night when she told me to bring the kids home and how I tried to punish her by asking her to sleep on the couch. I kind of laughed and said how is that punishment, you decided to sleep out there for about 6mos. I was just giving you what you wanted so you didn't feel obligated to sleep next to me in our bed. I got sucked in a little bit and finally stopped. I asked her if she had found a place to live, yet. She said no, she wasn't leaving. I told her I knew she went to her L and if she had filed. She said no, I was the only one who had hired a L and she couldn't file with mine. WTF? I said I'm tired of having this conversation, if she want to save money, she needs to make a list of the things she want. I have my list and we can go over them and take them to each of our L and do it that way. If not, she needs to file and move out. I got up and walked away ( a few minutes too late, I'm sure) and she said fine, she would file.

We went to church and she turned nice and talked about the kids and what silly things they did at the b'day party and how much fun trick-or-treating was going to be. Blah, blah. I was happy and talkative. She was okay most of the day but slowly turned into her normal self.

We got home and got the kids ready for bed and she went to bed without a word. More of the same this morning. I helped get the kids ready and laughed and joked with them and had a good time. Told the older ones 'bye and took S4 to pre-school.

So, I guess I have to ask is her behavior normal? Why is she getting mad at me? Is it a good thing? What can I do different or better? Sorry for the redundant questions but I'm still learning as I go and want to do things right.

Thanks.
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: The Next Phase II - 11/01/10 04:00 PM
There's nothing normal about any of WAs's behavior. I't probably best to not analyze behavior too much because it will drive you nuts and throw you off. You need to be consistant. You're doing a great job of letting her see that you will stand up for yourself and deserve respect. Not only this but she has to see the consequences of her decisions.

Basically, she can stay and work on the M, but if she doesnt want to be there with the family than why should she stay and make everyone miserable? At some point she needs to fight for the M with you or move on.
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 11/01/10 04:19 PM
Thanks, Walkingman -

I've been here long enough. I still get caught up in trying to figure out her behavior and why she does the things she does.

I don't know why I ask some of the things I do. I can only imagine what some of the vets would say. I think I'm doing the right things, now. I should have done them months ago. Is it too late? Did I wait too long? My big thing is she will not leave. I know I should go ahead and file, but I want that on her conscience.

Like I read on another thread, when the kids ask, I want them to ask why mom did this or that. Why she left, why she did this and that. I want to be able to tell them I didn't leave them or desert them. I know that's probably not the correct way to handle it, but that's where I'm at.
Posted By: flowmom Re: The Next Phase II - 11/02/10 04:37 AM
(((IDU))) You are doing the tough stuff and I'm glad for you.

Please stop being hard on yourself for not changing faster. Remember there were reasons for what you did in the past, and there are reasons for learning new skills and applying them now.

It's important to understand the process of change. From wikipedia:

Quote:
Four stages of competence

1. Unconscious Incompetence [this was your stage of asserting yourself during the M]

The individual neither understands nor knows how to do something, nor recognizes the deficit, nor has a desire to address it.

2. Conscious Incompetence [this was you in the early stage of DBing, realizing that you needed to become more assertive but not being able to act yet]

Though the individual does not understand or know how to do something, he or she does recognize the deficit, without yet addressing it.

3. Conscious Competence [IDU in the present]

The individual understands or knows how to do something. However, demonstrating the skill or knowledge requires a great deal of consciousness or concentration.

4. Unconscious Competence [IDU in the future :)]

The individual has had so much practice with a skill that it becomes "second nature" and can be performed easily (often without concentrating too deeply). He or she may or may not be able to teach it to others, depending upon how and when it was learned.


So give yourself a break and appreciate your own process. You are doing really well smile
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 11/02/10 02:15 PM
Thanks, again, for taking the time to help me out. Things are really feeling wrong lately so I must be doing a little something right. crazy

Your post makes a lot of sense. It breaks down the process which I have been going through. I know it's a good and neccessary thing for my own well being. #3 is dead on! I really have to concentrate when my W pushes my buttons. I will often times start to get sucked in only to have to backtrack, calm down and regain my composure. I strive to reach stage 4 while there is still a chance for my family. I do understand that this is for me . I still want to have a new, improved M. Trying to keep in mind the Stockdale Paradox, though. Obviously having trouble but getting better.

Thanks, again. It helps put my learning process in perspective.
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 11/03/10 05:47 PM
Journaling -

Boys had another game last night. It was against my old school. I knew a lot of people in the stands, all of their coaches are guys I went to school with. Talked with a lot of them between games and at half time. The kids played good but we got killed. It wasn't pretty.

Got a txt from the school board pres. before the game asking if I wanted to meet him afterwards for a beer. I told him I would.

After the first game, with the younger kids-ours included- W said, "Why don't you take the little ones home? It's getting late and our kids won't play in the next game." I told her I would like to stay and watch with the boys and maybe help them learn a little. She said the same thing at half-time. I told her the same thing, again, and said she could take them if she wanted to and I would stay there with the boys. Of course, she stayed for the whole thing, too. After the game, she brought the kids to me to take home and I said that I had plans and she would have to take them home. She asked where I was going and I just told her with some people there that I knew. I kissed the kids and told them all 'bye and left. Yeah, she was pissed!

Talked with the SB Pres. for a while and had a few beers and played some pool. Nothing really new from him. He says they are being more careful now that they know people are watching and talking. I told him it didn't matter, they still talk and text often and nothing has changed. He asked if she had talked about divorce lately. I said that I told her she needed to file if she wanted one or to stop talking to the super. Like I said, nothing really new.

Got up this morning while she was in the shower and got the kids up and made breakfast. I was trying to get D7 out of bed and W came in and said, "I think we'll have to carry her into the kitchen." She was all smiles and laughing. So we picked her up and carried her in and laughed the whole time. The kids and I ate while W packed lunches. I helped get every one's teeth brushed and got them dressed. It was time to go and I told S4 to go give mom a kiss and told the other kids 'bye. As we walked out the door, she told me goodbye for the first time in forever. NBD. I said it back and took S to pre-school.

That being said, I still catch myself looking for her reaction to me. When she was all happy and told me 'bye, I started hoping. It was automatic. I know better. If it means anything for us reconciling or not, I know standing up for myself, GAL and all the tools we learn here are good no matter what. She slept on the couch, again. I slept great in the king size Sleep Number Bed all alone!
Posted By: Coach Re: The Next Phase II - 11/03/10 05:51 PM
So the school board Pres is OK enabling this? doesn't the school system have a policy on fraternization? Does your L know about these conversations?
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 11/03/10 06:02 PM
Originally Posted By: Coach
So the school board Pres is OK enabling this? doesn't the school system have a policy on fraternization? Does your L know about these conversations?


No, Coach, he is not. The V.P., not so sure. We are a very small community and I don't think there is a policy on fraternization as all the board members, super and others socialize outside of school. And the guy is a smooth talker. He can talk his way out of a lot of sticky situations.

Yes, I have told my L about the conversations I have had with Pres and different teachers. The only thing she has said about it thus far is that they would make good witnesses. IDK. Am I missing something?
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: The Next Phase II - 11/04/10 03:08 AM
Yes, be consistant stich with it!
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 11/04/10 02:41 PM
Originally Posted By: WalkingMan
Yes, be consistant stich with it!


Agree! Consistency has not been my strong point thus far. I think it's finally got through my thick skull.
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 11/04/10 07:10 PM
Journaling -

I have mentioned before how the mornings at home with both of us there have been very stressful. I have asked her how I can help her get the kids ready and make it easier on all of us. She cannot or will not give me an answer. So, a couple weeks ago, I decided to let her make lunches and pick out clothes and I would start breakfast, play traffic controller with getting kids in the bathrooms to brush teeth, etc. and get D7 and S3 dressed. It seems to be going better. I don't try to help with lunches. If she asks, I am happy to go in the shed and get a gallon of milk or whatever she needs. Other than that, I let her be. If she picks out clothes for D7, that's what she wears. If she hasn't, I will pick them out and help her get dressed. Same with S3. No pressure, no help where I'm not wanted.

Some mornings we are running a little late and she's rushing around doing this and that and I ask her, "What can I do to help?" Usually I get the grunt and no answer. So, while she's running around all stressed out, I'm tying shoes, practicing spelling words, multiplication tables or whatever. It helps with everyone's stress level except hers. Not to say she isn't any better, she is. She still has many moments where she blows up about nothing.

Why was this so hard for me to see? Maybe I'm going overboard the other way. All I know is the kids and I are more relaxed and we have fun. If someone is not moving fast enough, instead of telling them to come on and hurry up, I'll go and pick them up and tell them the fork-lift is carrying them to the bathroom or something off the wall like that. You can make almost anything fun if you try hard enough.

Still learning and still doing.
Posted By: Coach Re: The Next Phase II - 11/04/10 07:14 PM
Quote:
Why was this so hard for me to see?


Because you thought all the problems were yours to fix. You thought you were the one who needs to make all the changes.

Quote:
She still has many moments where she blows up about nothing.


Do you know why? It's not about nothing.
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 11/04/10 07:20 PM
Quote:
Do you know why? It's not about nothing.


Coach, I know you want us to think for ourselves and find the answers. I understand. I am really trying to understand the whys behind some of her behavior and also with mine.

But - please, just this once - could you just spell it out for me!? shocked crazy
Posted By: Coach Re: The Next Phase II - 11/04/10 07:27 PM
Quote:
But - please, just this once - could you just spell it out for me!?


She feels T-R-A-P-P-E-D. Your helping and being chipper just antagonises her. She's in love with another man. L-E-T H-E-R G-O. Set her free, open the cage door, take all the pressure off her. Agree with her, let her have what she feelsshe wants. How is what you are doing working for the M?

Do the Hot Potatoe.
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 11/04/10 07:37 PM
Quote:
Do the Hot Potatoe.


Okay, Dan Quayle. wink Drop it like it's hot.

So, one more question and it's one that has tormented me for months: How do I do this without being the one to leave? Break out the 2x4 if needed, but I'm serious. I have told her to leave, I agree it's over, all of that. She won't go. I told her to go back to sleeping on the couch. I no longer fawn over her, I listen when and if she talks to me and I validate my a@@ off. Do I file myself?
Posted By: pinhead Re: The Next Phase II - 11/04/10 07:41 PM
Originally Posted By: idontunderstand

So, one more question and it's one that has tormented me for months: How do I do this without being the one to leave? Break out the 2x4 if needed, but I'm serious. I have told her to leave, I agree it's over, all of that. She won't go. I told her to go back to sleeping on the couch. I no longer fawn over her, I listen when and if she talks to me and I validate my a@@ off. Do I file myself?


Do not file unless you want to divorce her. Don't do it as a tactic.

Think about what she needs to feel safe to leave...
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 11/04/10 07:51 PM
Quote:
Do not file unless you want to divorce her. Don't do it as a tactic.



I get this part. I won't do it as a tactic. My L is retained and W has questioned why I hired one if I don't want a D. I have answered to protect myself and the kids.

Quote:
Think about what she needs to feel safe to leave...


Please help me flesh this out. I am a good dad. She doesn't have to worry about them being with me. What else?
Posted By: Coach Re: The Next Phase II - 11/04/10 07:56 PM
Quote:
What else?


She wants the house.

She has been advised not to leave.

She's worried about the scandal.

She's conflicted.

The OM is a clouding her thinking.

Cake eating is working great so why stop.

You watch the kids so she can spend time with OM.

You are plan B.

She knows you don't want to divorce.

She can play you like a fiddle if needed.
Posted By: pinhead Re: The Next Phase II - 11/04/10 08:05 PM
Originally Posted By: Coach
Quote:
What else?


She wants the house.

She has been advised not to leave.

She's worried about the scandal.

She's conflicted.

The OM is a clouding her thinking.

Cake eating is working great so why stop.

You watch the kids so she can spend time with OM.

You are plan B.

She knows you don't want to divorce.

She can play you like a fiddle if needed.


Coach, quit replying to my thread in IDUs!!! wink
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 11/04/10 08:30 PM
Originally Posted By: pinhead
Originally Posted By: Coach
Quote:
What else?


She wants the house.

She has been advised not to leave.

She's worried about the scandal.

She's conflicted.

The OM is a clouding her thinking.

Cake eating is working great so why stop.

You watch the kids so she can spend time with OM.

You are plan B.

She knows you don't want to divorce.

She can play you like a fiddle if needed.


Coach, quit replying to my thread in IDUs!!! wink



Yeah, you are in some great company here, Pin. crazy

So, how to put a stop to it. Do I file myself? I know it's a personal decision but I am asking the question. Is that the way out and the way for me to heal from this mess.
Posted By: pinhead Re: The Next Phase II - 11/04/10 08:49 PM
IDU,

Our sitches are very similar with one exception; to the best of my knowledge, my W isn't having an affair.

Have you given her the "I won't live in an open marriage" spiel? If not, you need to think about it. If you have, and she's still carousing with the OM, then you need to think about the consequence you told her.
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 11/04/10 09:09 PM
Yep, we had the talk and I told her the Rob/Puppy script. She has stopped going out after board meeting and the such. The calls and txting slowed down or stopped for a while and now are back up and running. To what extent, I'm not sure but any is too much for me.

I guess I know the answer to my question. I'm sure it looks weak on my part staying and not filing. I want her to be the one to do so and to leave. I guess it's beyond that and in my own hands. I want to be able to tell the kids I never gave up and never stopped fighting. I'm not giving up on them, just facing the reality that my M is over. Something I still haven't done yet.

Pin, the similarity of our sitch's hasn't escaped me. I followed along closely when you were thinking about leaving. I have felt the same. You have decided to stay. I will not be the one to leave my house, either. Filing seems so final. I know that's not neccessarily the case. I don't guess I'll ever know until I find the guts to do it.

Thanks for hanging in there with me, everyone.
Posted By: pinhead Re: The Next Phase II - 11/04/10 09:11 PM
Did you put a transparency plan in place when you said "No open marriage...?"

If you did, start exercising it. If not, shame on you. wink

And if I file, I still won't leave my home. She'll get the boot...
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 11/04/10 09:18 PM
Quote:
Did you put a transparency plan in place when you said "No open marriage...?"



I did. Also key logger, GPS, so forth.


Quote:
If you did, start exercising it. If not, shame on you.



Yeah, well....She sleeps with her phone, showers with it, and when I do look at it, she is smart enough and has time to erase the msgs. I do look at the billing but the individual txt are not listed. It drove me crazy for a long time. How much proof do I need? There were never any 'I love you's, or can't wait to see you,' or any such. Just the sheer number of them, the flirty tone of them and the times, day and night.

Quote:
And if I file, I still won't leave my home. She'll get the boot...


Yep. If I can afford the house, I would love to keep it.
Posted By: fade Re: The Next Phase II - 11/04/10 09:45 PM
OK, I will make an argument for filing.

Im willing to bet your kids have a good idea of which parent has been there for them, values them and tried to keep their family together, no matter whose name is first on a divorce affidavit. But if you stay indefinately, you might run the risk of your kids growing remembering that you let your wife run around with someone they have to see at school, everyone in school and town knows it, and you did nothing to stop it.

And if you really want to keep the house, starting the divorce process is the best way to do it. There is probably no other way to force things to change or to get her out.

You are contemplating buying a fixer upper and moving out, but not filing for divorce? Is moving out and spending all of your time fixing up a house and stressing about two mortgages, while your wife stays in your house on your dime and completely beyond your control really any better for your kids?
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 11/05/10 06:14 PM
Originally Posted By: fade
OK, I will make an argument for filing.

Im willing to bet your kids have a good idea of which parent has been there for them, values them and tried to keep their family together, no matter whose name is first on a divorce affidavit. But if you stay indefinately, you might run the risk of your kids growing remembering that you let your wife run around with someone they have to see at school, everyone in school and town knows it, and you did nothing to stop it.
And if you really want to keep the house, starting the divorce process is the best way to do it. There is probably no other way to force things to change or to get her out.

You are contemplating buying a fixer upper and moving out, but not filing for divorce? Is moving out and spending all of your time fixing up a house and stressing about two mortgages, while your wife stays in your house on your dime and completely beyond your control really any better for your kids?


All true, Fade. Thanks. And very wisely put.
Posted By: DanF Re: The Next Phase II - 11/05/10 08:51 PM
[quote=idontunderstand] Yeah, well....She sleeps with her phone, showers with it, and when I do look at it, she is smart enough and has time to erase the msgs. I do look at the billing but the individual txt are not listed. [quote]

Are you talking about the text, or just how many messages and when each message was sent/received? You probably can't get the text, but you can get the dates, times and numbers that the texts were sent to/received from. I hacked into my W's account online and was able to get that information. Also, you could probably call the phone company and request that they send that detail to you.

Good luck IDU. Hang tough. I think you need to file. She has had enough cake.
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 11/05/10 09:24 PM
Thanks, Dan.

Quote:
Hang tough. I think you need to file. She has had enough cake.


I know what I should do. No matter how much space I give her while we are still in the same house, it's never enough. I can't do the laundry right or the dishes or anything else. She was always that way, though. I think that's part of the reason I stopped helping with certain things. Now I just do it and don't care what she says or how mad she gets. When she's gone, I will have to do it anyway. May as well get used to it. NOTHING makes her happy or relaxed at home. The kids drive her crazy, I drive her crazy either by not helping enough or in the right way or trying to do too much.

Like Coach said yesterday, I am the source of her feeling trapped. I thought I had let her go but it seems the only way to fully do that is to get the D rolling. Give her what she wants. We'll see if I can find my nut$ and do what I keep talking myself out of.

Have a great weekend, everyone!
Posted By: sgctxok Re: The Next Phase II - 11/06/10 05:07 PM
REal fighting means growing the love. What are you doing to build the relationship between you.

What are YOU doing DIFFERENTLY in your dance with her.

When she's mad--how do you handle the conversation. You don't need to work on standing firm. You need to learn how to interact with her.
Posted By: flowmom Re: The Next Phase II - 11/06/10 06:30 PM
IDU, I know it's tough with the responsibilities, but how is GAL going lately? What have you done for yourself? Have to done any jamming? The time that you spend spying on her could be so much better spent bringing some positive into your life. It's so draining to live with the negativity...you need to find little ways to feel good as often as possible, not just as a father but as a person.
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 11/08/10 07:01 PM
Quote:
When she's mad--how do you handle the conversation. You don't need to work on standing firm. You need to learn how to interact with her.


Well, I validate and really listen. Fri. night she was complaining about the sitter and I used some of Coach's suggested "lines." The convo went really well. I do have to stand up for myself when she comes up with her endless supply of CB. She hates when I call her out on it. For example, last night we were helping the twins with their homework. W was at the counter looking at the calendar when twin1 asked her a question about his homework because I was working with twin2 on his. She said to him, "Just give me a damn minute. I got a lot of shite on my mind and trying to figure out what in the hell we're going to do this week. Just give me two damn seconds." Twin1 hung his head and came back to the table. I said to her, calmly, "W, twin1 didn't deserve to be talked to that way. He was only asking for help, he did not need to be cussed at." She sneered and snickered and said she didn't cuss at him. I said that she had. She was trying to figure out sitters and who was going where for the week and she didn't see me doing anything to help. I said all she had to do was ask. She handles the sitters and continually says she will take care of it. She stormed of, very pissed and I finished up with homework.

It's like this almost all the time. If she initiates the convo, I listen, really listen. When I initiate anything, I get a grunt if anything. What am I missing? If you could give me some examples on how to interact differently with her, I would appreciate it.

Flowmom, GAL has been going great. Have been playing about every other weekend. Always fun. I don't think I really spy much. I don't check her laptop everyday or even every week. I know most communication takes place on her cell phone. Went to a friends 40th b'day party this weekend and just told W I was going out for a while. Had a great time. We all ended up in the hot tub. It was three other couples, me and another girl who was alone. She is also married and her H was at work. She said it wasn't right that everyone else was with someone and we were alone. She asked if she could be my "surrogate" spouse for the night. I said, sure. She got me drinks, sat on my lap, it was like a date with no chance of anything else happening. It reminded me of how things used to be and how much I miss it. Anyway, a good weekend.
Posted By: flowmom Re: The Next Phase II - 11/08/10 08:40 PM
IDU, I don't get the impression that the issue is you needing to "try harder" in your interactions with her. It's human nature that when you attach to a new person, you push away the old one frown and my guess is that's what your W is doing with you.

Glad to hear you're playing regularly and not wasting a lot of energy spying.

LOL about being a "surrogate spouse". Sounds like you haven't forgotten how to flirt wink
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 11/08/10 08:54 PM
Quote:
LOL about being a "surrogate spouse". Sounds like you haven't forgotten how to flirt


Yeah, it was good practice! Like I said, I knew nothing would come of it and so did she and it was relaxed and fun. She was the only one in the whole group that I didn't know and was very flirty, anyway. Five minutes after we met, she grabbed me and pulled me close while standing at a bonfire and told me to help "warm her up." I was more that happy to oblige and within minutes there were six or eight of us all huddled together, watching fire works.


Quote:
IDU, I don't get the impression that the issue is you needing to "try harder" in your interactions with her. It's human nature that when you attach to a new person, you push away the old one and my guess is that's what your W is doing with you.



I know this is true. I guess my question is what do people mean by doing something different? I have learned how important it is to listen and validate and think I do a pretty good job in that area. I go out and do things and don't give her any specifics and it does make her mad, but I don't let her anger get to me. I don't want to give up and I do see occasional changes and cracks in the wall. She is very fast at mending the cracks and the wall is back up and stronger than ever in no time at all.

I guess I'm scared that if I am the one to file, she will not have the humility, even if she all of a sudden had an epiphany, to try again. I know that's not in my control and I shouldn't worry about it, but I do. I know, there I go with my "feelings" again.

Thanks for always listening and always putting a smile on my face!
Posted By: flowmom Re: The Next Phase II - 11/09/10 12:17 AM
My pleasure smile .

I think that sg is trying to be helpful, but as far as I know she hasn't followed your thread...am I right sg?
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 11/09/10 05:03 PM
Well, the crap at school is really heating up. I knew it was a matter of time.

Last night was the monthly SB meeting. About five min after W left, the SB Pres called me and asked if I would be willing to come in and talk during the executive session. I asked what was going on and he said that W, super and W's new BFF were trying to get a teacher fired. This teacher happens to be one of the people who has been pretty vocal about improper conduct between W and super. W's BFF is the other v'ball coach who, until this year, didn't hang out with W or call much or was anything other than an acquaintance. This summer, she started taking the kids to her house to swim and play and they talk all the time.

Anyway, she was invited to the meeting to complain that the teacher was disrespecting the super in public during the b'ball tourney this weekend. Don't really know the whole story, but I will find out. The SB Pres. called it a witch hunt. During the meeting, W says that teacher is the one responsible for all of the "false rumours" about her and super and that she had seen teacher's cell# on my phone bill. The SB Pres said that he would call me and ask me to come in and set the record straight. They immediately started denying anything improper ever happened and I didn't need to be involved. Also, the teacher wasn't allowed to be at the meeting to defend herself.

So, next month she will be there to tell her side and I will be there to confirm the rumours and let everyone know that it is not the teacher causing trouble. This guy is a snake. He has half the board on his side, but they are only hearing what he and my W want them to hear. They assume all of the rumours are just that; rumours. The only thing I feel like I need to go in there and do or say is they are not just roumors. I want to save my M and keep my family together, but I can't take part in someone getting sacrificed and run into the ground to protect their secret. I have to face that my M is probably over and do what's right to help another person out who has done nothing wrong.

My God, what a mess. I never, ever thought it would go this far. I don't guess it's any worse that the astronaut driving with a diaper on across country to be with her lover. I have a month to be sure I'm not doing this out of spite or revenge or to run her name in the ground. I think it's the right thing to do. This is wrong on so many levels.
Posted By: SpinFree Re: The Next Phase II - 11/09/10 05:37 PM

IDU,

Man do I feel for you.

1) DO NOT talk to your wife about this. Not one flippin' word. Do not confirm, deny anything! It would be like pointing a loaded gun at your head. If she brings it up, hold up your hand and leave the room.

2) Talk to a lawyer about he ramifications here. (What you can/can't say; what you can/can't prove) Do not tell your wife ANYTHING about talking to a lawyer. You need to be the best armed man in the room.

3) With your attorney prepare a BRIEF written statement. Tell the board that you will be happy to answer any and all of their questions after a brief statement that should answer most if not all of their questions. That gets what YOU want to say into the record.

Good luck brohamb. I'll watch for the flash.

SpinFree
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 11/09/10 05:47 PM
Thanks for the advice. Some things there I hadn't thought of.

Quote:
Good luck brohamb. I'll watch for the flash.



LOL! Gotta laugh at something or I'll go crazy.
Posted By: TimeHeals Re: The Next Phase II - 11/09/10 05:58 PM
Yeah, I bet.

What tangled webs they weave....
Posted By: TimeHeals Re: The Next Phase II - 11/09/10 06:00 PM
On an sarcastic (yeah, sarcasm is cheap, I know) aside...

Do you think the teacher they are trying to run out of a job would benefit from trying to validate them or going dark?

I warned ya it was a cheap shot smile
Posted By: robx Re: The Next Phase II - 11/09/10 06:10 PM
Originally Posted By: idontunderstand
....I do have to stand up for myself when she comes up with her endless supply of CB. She hates when I call her out on it. For example, last night we were helping the twins with their homework. W was at the counter looking at the calendar when twin1 asked her a question about his homework because I was working with twin2 on his. She said to him, "Just give me a damn minute. I got a lot of shite on my mind and trying to figure out what in the hell we're going to do this week. Just give me two damn seconds." Twin1 hung his head and came back to the table. I said to her, calmly, "W, twin1 didn't deserve to be talked to that way. He was only asking for help, he did not need to be cussed at." She sneered and snickered and said she didn't cuss at him. I said that she had. She was trying to figure out sitters and who was going where for the week and she didn't see me doing anything to help. I said all she had to do was ask. She handles the sitters and continually says she will take care of it. She stormed of, very pissed and I finished up with homework.

It's like this almost all the time. If she initiates the convo, I listen, really listen. When I initiate anything, I get a grunt if anything. What am I missing? If you could give me some examples on how to interact differently with her, I would appreciate it.


Nice!

You let your wife talk like that to your son?

Volume.

I'm guessing you have none or very little in your voice when you speak.

It's not just about the words,
if there is no impact behind them,
if it sounds like you're a mouse and you're trying to talk to a lion, guess what, you can validate and talk politely and calmly all day long,
you're still just a mouse talking to a lion.

Be the lion but do it the right way.

I don't advocate yelling so don't misunderstand what I'm saying.

If I was you and your wife had spoken like that to the kids, I would have said loudly with some impact to my voice:

"HEY!"

Make your presence known.

"Don't talk to our son like that ever again.
You're the parent, he's the kid, he's coming to you for some direction, not crappy words and a crappier response.
Are you a kid or an adult? Smarten up! He's going to remember times like this when he grows up, choose your words wisely next time! If you're stressed by the schedule take a break and go back to it later. I don't care what our current situation is, I don't want to hear you talk like that to our kids ever again. Is that understood?"

You have to mean it when you say it.

Look you can validate your a$$ off and guess what,
when you sound like a mouse looking for approval from a lion, you'll get the same response every time from her. She doesn't care, all she hears is blah blah blah.

Don't underestimate the impact that strength and volume of your voice has when used in the proper application.

Instead of calmly and quietly responding like "Wife, our son didn't deserve to be talked that way...."

You give her a dose of the medicine.

If she doesn't like it when you finally show you have some guts with the tone of your voice and the strength the volume of your voice conveys, you tell her straight "good I'm glad you didn't enjoy it, you just proved my point with how you spoke to our son, make sure you control yourself next time!"

Getting to your other point,
observe reality.

Quote:
...It's like this almost all the time. If she initiates the convo, I listen, really listen. When I initiate anything, I get a grunt if anything. What am I missing? If you could give me some examples on how to interact differently with her, I would appreciate it.


Stop initiating any conversation, literally.

If you're talking to her and she grunts,
call her on it, a grunt isn't a response by a human, it's a response by an animal. Tell her this. Get used to calling her on this crap behavior. You've trained her to talk to you like this because you've never spoken up before in the past, you just let her talk like this repeatedly to you until it became a habit, now you have to tell her you're tired of this crap behavior and to smarten up. She will respond to you, trust me, she'll probably tell you to take a hike in more colorful language, but that's ok, just smile and walk away, don't reward her behavior with your attention, just hold up your hand like a stop sign when she talks to you and then walk away. "Look wife, when you're ready to talk like an adult, I'll make some time to listen to you but until then no thanks, you're way to unattractive in this state for me to look at you let alone listen to you."

Always call a person out on crap behavior.

Stop being silent.

Stop being a mouse.

Quote:
...She sneered and snickered and said she didn't cuss at him.


Think about the amount of disrespect a person has for other when they respond this way, that's crap behavior. She probably responds to you like that also, in fact I'll bet some good money that she's done that to you regularly and now she's doing the same with your kids.

Crap behavior, call her out on it, let her know it will stop.

She has no respect for you,
she can't love you if she doesn't respect you,
she can't respect you if you don't stand up to her when the situation calls for it,
if you can't stand up to her, how could you ever be able to stand up for her if the situation ever required it? She knows this too, subconsciously, this message is hardwired into her brain, that's why she is disrespectful towards you, she feels stronger than you, she can't respect you because of this, so you can forget about love and marriage or any other concept until you get this respect situation figured out and turned around.

Start respecting yourself first and foremost,
learn what that's about,
learn what's required,
stop this door mat behavior,
you are teaching your children to act as you do,
they won't learn by your words, they will learn by your actions and they are learning right now as they are small, all children do.

You can start learning this anytime,
pick a day to start,
today is as good a day as any other.
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 11/09/10 06:18 PM
Originally Posted By: TimeHeals
On an sarcastic (yeah, sarcasm is cheap, I know) aside...

Do you think the teacher they are trying to run out of a job would benefit from trying to validate them or going dark?

I warned ya it was a cheap shot smile



Now you went and hurt my feelings. frown
wink point taken.
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 11/09/10 06:40 PM
Quote:
You let your wife talk like that to your son?

Volume.

I'm guessing you have none or very little in your voice when you speak.

It's not just about the words,
if there is no impact behind them,
if it sounds like you're a mouse and you're trying to talk to a lion, guess what, you can validate and talk politely and calmly all day long,
you're still just a mouse talking to a lion.

Be the lion but do it the right way.

I don't advocate yelling so don't misunderstand what I'm saying.


Rob, don't get the idea that I'm not doing or trying to do what I been told here. I have read where being calm was the key. At least that's how I took it. It is not a matter of being afraid of her or not standing up for my kids. I have all this info in my head and am always thinking about the best way to handle a certain situation. Doing things different. My first thought was to jump up and do as you said and tell her if she ever talks to him or any of the other kids like that, she can...... So I tried the calm approach thinking it would have the intended impact and would show the kids respect from me even though there was none from her. Do you know what I'm trying to say?

Quote:
You can start learning this anytime,
pick a day to start,
today is as good a day as any other.


I hope this isn't sarcasm and I'm not taking it that way. I do want to learn. I hope I have proved that in the time I have been here. Maybe I am a slow learner but I want to do things the right way.

Thanks for the well thought out reply. I appreciate it and don't want anyone to give up on me or think I am being a pu$$y. I want the best chance to save my M and I am okay if she leaves and won't work on it. I want to know I did all that I could and did it the right way. I am ALWAYS open to suggestions.
Posted By: TimeHeals Re: The Next Phase II - 11/09/10 06:54 PM
I don't know much, and I read you posting that OM is a "snake" and all of that, but...

Who's to say somebody (ahem) isn't pushing him to go after the other teacher? He could very well be doing that on his own to protect his own job, but then... you have to wonder why push to fire the teacher if that is the case because... teachers have unions, there is a review process, and he knows this.

Not saying it isn't all his idea, but who was it questioning you about the possibility of the teacher having contacted you via phone?

And then there's the example you gave us of her being nasty with your kids.

You have more facts at your disposal than you've provided us with, and I am sure you remember things better than we could ever possibly remember your situation.

But... I have to ask... (and maybe rob is sensing it too), just who is it you are really dealing with here? Judging only by actions, of course.
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 11/09/10 07:29 PM
Correct me if I'm wrong, Time, but if you are suggesting my W is pushing this, I agree and that is what I was suggesting in my post. It would benefit W and super if the teacher were to be fired.

Here are some things from the state school board site -

Code of Conduct -
Quote:
I will avoid any conflict of interest or the appearance of impropriety which could result
from my position
, and will not use my board membership for personal gain or publicity.

And -

The Board Employs a Superintendent.

The Board employs and evaluates one person - the Superintendent - and holds that person accountable for district performance and compliance with written Board policy.

An effective School Board develops and maintains a productive relationship with the Superintendent.
The employment relationship consists of mutual respect and a clear understanding of respective roles, responsibilities and expectations. This relationship should be grounded in a thoughtfully crafted employment contract and job description; procedures for communications and ongoing assessment; and reliance on written policy.
Although the Board is legally required to approve all employment contracts, the Board delegates authority to the Superintendent to select and evaluate all district staff within the standards established in written Board policy.


Quote:
Not saying it isn't all his idea, but who was it questioning you about the possibility of the teacher having contacted you via phone?



My W told the board that she saw the teacher's phone# on my phone bill. She gladly gave that bit of info.

Quote:
But... I have to ask... (and maybe rob is sensing it too), just who is it you are really dealing with here? Judging only by actions, of course.


It seems to me to be a team effort and they are trying to get as many people on their side as they can no matter who gets screwed in the process.
Posted By: MakingProgress Re: The Next Phase II - 11/09/10 07:38 PM
Rob

Just to be clear, I presume that you would advise that IDU have that kind of talk regarding how W speaks to the children outside of the presence of the children?
Posted By: TimeHeals Re: The Next Phase II - 11/09/10 07:40 PM
Quote:
It seems to me to be a team effort and they are trying to get as many people on their side as they can no matter who gets screwed in the process.


To an outsider using the information you have provided here, it sure does sound that way.

Pretty heavy-handed stuff, don't you think? I mean firing somebody because they say you might be having an affair you are actually having?

I assume the teacher has a family to provide for as well, and even if they were single, that's pretty crappy treatment considering.

This kind of thing has the fur on my neck standing up lately. It really bugs me to read about this kind of thing and wonder if anybody is going to stand up and say "This is just wrong".
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 11/09/10 07:51 PM
Quote:
To an outsider using the information you have provided here, it sure does sound that way.

Pretty heavy-handed stuff, don't you think? I mean firing somebody because they say you might be having an affair you are actually having?



I want to be clear that I understand I am looking at this from a standpoint of presumed guilt. Without going into too much detail, W has said in the past and as little as two weeks ago, that this teacher needed to be fired. I asked her why. She went on about small stuff that didn't add up to much of anything IMO. Then W's new BFF is the one to come forward with the latest complaint. She is not an employee, just a volunteer v'ball coach. My W is not an employee of the school yet inserts herself into situations where she thinks she knows better than the teachers who are there. She and the super hand out trophies, she and the super are a tag team not the super and a teacher. It was never like that before.

There has to come a time when the coincidences stop and the pattern starts.
Posted By: flowmom Re: The Next Phase II - 11/10/10 03:12 AM
IDU, I like the advice to handle this cautiously and with the advice of a lawyer.

Frankly, I really question if you should get involved in this issue. Either the employer is going to get the facts and take leadership, or not...I don't see why you need to be part of it by airing your family's dirty laundry on the record. I see that you're trying to do the right thing by the teacher, but you have your own worries and stuff to address. You need to focus all your energy into taking care of you and the kids. Some school politics are really screwed up and getting involved can mean taking sides and getting involved in the whole ripple effect. Perhaps I have missed some crucial elements in my reading, but this is not the time for you to rescue a situation that was not of your causing.
Posted By: flowmom Re: The Next Phase II - 11/19/10 04:38 PM
Hope all's well IDU...
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 11/19/10 07:09 PM
Originally Posted By: flowmom
Hope all's well IDU...


Thanks, FM.

I'm not here much anymore but you are one of the ones I would love to keep in touch with. I will check in with you and hope you will do the same.

Luv,

IDU
Posted By: pigskin Re: The Next Phase II - 12/09/10 05:24 AM
Hope you are doing well, buddy. Any updates on your sitch?
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 12/10/10 04:16 PM
Originally Posted By: pigskin
Hope you are doing well, buddy. Any updates on your sitch?


Thanks for the well wishes, Pigskin.

Nothing really new. Still in limbo because I am allowing myself to stay stuck. I tell myself it's because of the kids and what D will do to them. That's part of it but not all. Still scared. Haven't been able to let that go. At this point, it's really all on me, I know.

Sorry to hear that your L is really dragging her feet. I know you want to put this all behind you and get busy with the rest of your life.

I hope you and your kids have a wonderful holiday and a great Christmas. You are always in my prayers and I wish you well.

Take care

IDU
Posted By: LSG Re: The Next Phase II - 12/11/10 09:06 PM
IDU,

Maybe you are not stuck. It could be that you need to be in "limbo" to know where you going. Give yourself the time you need to find where you want to go.

It is a difficult decision to divorce, and if you are not ready, do not do it.

You still need to find your direction, and when you are ready, you will know.

I have so much thanks for all the help and support you have given to me over the past year. I still have a difficult time ahead, but I will be okay. You will be okay too.

Take care of you and the kids. That is what you need to do at the moment.
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: The Next Phase II - 02/07/11 09:34 PM
It's been a few months, so I thought I'd give a short update.

I filed for D almost two weeks ago. I did file a temporary custody order to keep W from taking the kids like she has threatened to do. I gave her a couple of weeks to find somewhere to stay. If she refuses to leave, I will get an order for her to vacate. She has been nasty and combative, even though this is what she says she wants.

I have made many changes in my life. I am healthier, more active with my kids, church, I am playing in a band, again, and I try to not have such a pessimistic view of life. Things will get better and I will be okay.

Face your fears head on, trust your instincts and be true to yourself. Lessons that are hard to learn and I still struggle with, daily. We are all a work in progress. Live and learn and accept things that are out of your control.

Do not try the Little Bo-Peep method. Don't waste your time. IT WILL NOT WORK, EVER!

"Faith, hope and love....
But the greatest of these is love."

Be true to yourself and your values. Never doubt what is right and what is wrong. We will all thrive again. Never, ever doubt it.

Take care, everyone. smile
Posted By: pigskin Re: The Next Phase II - 02/07/11 10:41 PM
Wow, you disappear for a few months and come back as Superman. Sad that you W has not changed, but glad that you found the strength to exit your limbo.

I'm rarely on the boards myself anymore, but check in every so often. I was wondering how things were going for you. Glad you posted an update.

Keep moving forward, like you said. Have faith in tomorrow.
Posted By: Onthemountaintop Re: The Next Phase II - 03/24/11 12:29 AM
How are your kids holding up?
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