How to deal with a immature spouse??

Hi. I found this site because I am considering walking away from my wife. We've only been married for a couple years. I'm 34 and she's 30. I feel stupid for even talking about this, but I dont know what else to do.

Like most relationships, things started out great. There were some fights but nothing I thought we couldnt figure out. But unfortunately like a lot of people thought things would change if we got married. The problems are she acts really immature sometimes. When I dont agree with her; she pouts or yells and screams, she slams doors, gets in my face and wont let me leave and my favorite, threatens to take things away. This is my 2nd marriage and I have a 3 year old from my 1st marriage. One of her favorite ways to try to hurt and manipulate me is to threaten to not help pickup my daughter from daycare. Or she makes threats like "well maybe we shouldnt do blank this weekend".... it's just really getting old and I'm questioning why I got married again.

I know I have my part in all this and I know that I should have really thought this through before we got married, but like I said before, for some stupid reason I thought things would change. We are both emotional people and let our emotions lead us more then us lead them. For former spouse had no emotional side what so ever so I can see why I wanted different.

I also believe in the sacrament of marriage and the commitment that we made to God, our family and eachother. Again I feel bad for even having these thoughts. My parents have been married for 40 years and I never even considered leaving in the first place,but since I was divorced before I guess I'm guilty of thinking "what's another one..".

I've obviously tried talking to her about this when she is calm and she agree's that she can be immature and has some issues with self control and anger. but when she is in the moment it's a different story and the last thing she wants to hear from me is that she is "acting immature" so I'm not sure what to do. Any advice besides deal with it your married??? which is what I keep telling myself.

Hi FIO

Have you ever suggested to her that she goes to counselling?

At least she agrees in her calm moments that she has issues, so perhaps she will be open to seeking professional help. Couldn't hurt to try suggesting it as a first step.

Look up Retrouvaille. It could help you.

Quote:

"acting immature"

It'd be one of the last things I'd want to hear either, makes you the superior one in an argument, or at least so you think.

And face it, you wouldn't want to hear that either.

Figuring...thank you for taking the time to come here and try to get some help with your issues before just walking out.

You are going to need marriage counseling. You are going to also have to clean up your side of the street. Your whole post is talking about your wife's immaturity, but of course, we all know that it is never one-sided. You are likely feeding off each other's negativity and neither of you ever learned good communication skills. Therefore, your first step should be to realize that you have caused 50% of your marital problems...not the 5% you probably think you have responsibility for.

All the people here are very understanding, kind, give great advice, and can possibly help you save your marriage. But YOU will have to be willing to say that YOU are willing to put 100% effort toward it. Nothing we can say will help to change HER or her behavior. I hope you understand that.

DQ

FIO,

while I can't say it's always "50/50" b/c one person CAN end a marriage, I do think the only person you can control is YOU. SO if you were to respond and react to her differently, the dynamic would change. It has to change b/c the relationship is made up of 2 people, so if ONE person changes, the relationship changes by definition. This is the crux of DBing by MWD. Have you read her books? I urge you to do that and read The Five Love Languages too.

So change YOU and see how that goes, over time. This is not a tactic to change HER but to improve your marriage. Expect Nothing immediate. You're basically going to model the behavior you want and or will accept. And of course you both need counselling. Did you get any after the first m ended? What happened there?

Retrovaille is great for many and it gives TOOLS for communication that do, over one weekend, make a difference. If you keep with their program, you'll have the odds in your favor. Good luck
j

Originally Posted By: DanceQueen

Figuring...thank you for taking the time to come here and try to get some help with your issues before just walking out.

You are going to need marriage counseling. You are going to also have to clean up your side of the street. Your whole post is talking about your wife's immaturity, but of course, we all know that it is never one-sided. You are likely feeding off each other's negativity and neither of you ever learned good communication skills. Therefore, your first step should be to realize that you have caused 50% of your marital problems...not the 5% you probably think you have responsibility for.

This was me. A lot of my wife's issues disappeared when I got *my* Shinola together. I stopped being afraid and learned to get my anxiety under control. I'm still learning to trust. Now her rage attacks have disappeared, her anger about the housework has disappeared, her libido has returned and she's REALLY working on her relationship with the kids.

Originally Posted By: DanceQueen

All the people here are very understanding, kind, give great advice, and can possibly help you save your marriage. But YOU will have to be willing to say that YOU are willing to put 100% effort toward it. Nothing we can say will help to change HER or her behavior. I hope you understand that.
DQ

Dr. Glover of "No More Mr. Nice Guy" calls this *All The Way In". If you are considering leaving your marriage, you are never really pushed to deal with the crap in your marriage.
It's a problem that "Nice Guys" have.
http://www.nomoremrniceguy.com/ngs.php

SpinFree

PS DanceQueen, she is much happier about my job now that I'm "all in" on our marriage. Quitting my job would have been a dis-as-ter. I would have never let got of the resentment. As it is now, letting go of my resentment has allowed me to move from covert contracts to performing true acts of service.

"Hi. I found this site because I am considering walking away from my wife. We've only been married for a couple years. I'm 34 and she's 30. I feel stupid for even talking about this, but I dont know what else to do."

I know.. I know.. can I answer?

Act more stupid.. that will fix it.

Stupid always fixes things.

Sorry.. just had to do that.

I like acting Stupid. It reminds me of old times.

But.. well.. it just does not work.

So.. Why do you want to walk away?

Really define that.

Is she really being immature? Or does she just not know how to act different?

"threatens to take things away"

I know you may not understand.. why I ask this question.. but.. I want to see how creative you are.

What is your Love Language?

"I also believe in the sacrament of marriage and the commitment that we made to God, our family and eachother. Again I feel bad for even having these thoughts. My parents have been married for 40 years and I never even considered leaving in the first place,but since I was divorced before I guess I'm guilty of thinking "what's another one.."."

Or..two.

Maybe you will get it right the third time.. or maybe you just strike out.

Why did you leave.. or fail.. the first time?

Are you repeating those same events?

"Any advice besides deal with it your married??? which is what I keep telling myself."

Well lets ponder this a min.

What do you want?

What is currently missing from your R?

FIO,
A bit of a 2 x 4 is coming your way...

I get the feeling you either want us to tell you in a nice "one weekend of new behavior or 8 sentences" way how to fix YOUR WIFE OR you want us to say "leave her" and we don't generally do that here. At least not for a guy who says his wife is immature and has a temper and doesn't fight well or fair....but says very little about his own role in any of this OR why she gets mad other than picking wrong in the first place (which is still blaming her). And how do you make up? Physically?

WHat is is she would say about you if she were here? IS ANY of it true or valid? that is a mature starting point.

So what are you willing to do? And as "easy" as a 2nd div seems to you, then finding and remarrying a woman who loves you AND may be able to commit AND whom you love AND who can deal with your own issues AND your family stuff....well, that's not so easy. Plus, btw, guess what?

You will have issus in EVERY marriage! I bet your parents had some challenges along the way, but they simply didn't think of bolting when it got tough.

So why not fix YOU before you shop again? Otherwise you're like a guy who won't learn to change his oil and has cars blow out on him ever few years. Instead of learning about how to change his oil, instead he just buys new cars, wears them out by not maintaining them (again) and then buys a whole new fresh and shiny car every 3-5 years. Costs a fortune and it's a huge hassle whenever another car blows out on him and sometimes hurts the passengers too...and his kids never learn a thing about taking care of their valuables b/c "hey, you can always get a new one"-- at some crazy high interest rate...whatever car is left on the lot, YOU'LL take it. It's shiny and today, it doesn't need an oil change... Make sense?
j

Okay, I don't know if you're going to answer this, but here's a big question.

If your child is only 3 years old from your first M. How long have you been going out with your current W? What was the reason for the breakup of the first M? The more detail you give, the better we will understand your circumstances.

wow Bond, how's I miss that? Yeah, good question. Well? We're not judging but hey, it's a fair question for sure. Might enlighten us too. So?