Anybody else dealing with an EX or a STBX that seems to think that the world of divorce is going to be some sort of hollywood movie reality??
Somehow my STBXW thinks that we (me, her, our girls) are all going to live happily ever after in a divorced relationship. She stated the other night that her dream is that we would live a few houses away from each other and our kids would just run from house to house. We would spend all kinds of time together and be the closest friends ever. If either of us winds up ith someone new they would understand this "bond" and would be fine with it. She also joked that she was going to be a "pain in the ass Ex" because she would be calling or dropping by all the time, telling me what she thought about who I was dating and if they measured up, asking my opinion on all sorts of things or for help around her house...
The "funny" part is she has never asked if that is what I see. She has decided for me that I would love it. She has also stated that I deserve to be with my perfect partner...
Anybody else dealing with this sort of "Fantasy Divorce?" How the hell can staying married ever compete with THAT??? She's not even in the realm of reality...
Sorry, my wife wrote that script and submitted it to MGM for production. It's now appearing in Nebraska at local theaters...
If either of us winds up ith someone new they would understand this "bond" and would be fine with it.
Well, that's not going to happen. A classy lady with high self-esteem and high integrity can find a man who doesn't have an ex-wife all up in his business all of the time.
So that would narrow your potential dating pool down to trashy women with low self-esteem and little integrity. Not the cream of the crop.
I am actually in almost an exact same position of you right now, differences are that my W is still in an EA and has moved into her own apartment, I have two small children also. She has told me a lot of the same things that you are saying, I think this is an important time to remember the don't believe anything she says/does thing. My W has come off of the fantasy a bit since she moved out, I think reality has started to set in, I am GAL and have cut off most communication with her, she now initiates daily contact so I can see that approach does work. I'm not sure what to tell you, hopefully others will have good advice I can apply too.
It is an extremely sad situation, WAW are'nt living in reality.
anothercasualty...I just have to ask you...as your wife was spewing this fantasy divorce scnario, what were you doing? Just listening and trying not to puke?
Because the thing is....as you are sitting there just even listening to her spew this, you are tacitly agreeing to it, in her mind.
If you have self-respect, you will hold your hand up in her face within the first 30 seconds of spew and say "just hold it right there...that is NOT how our divorce will be so you may as well save your breath". Then let her fuss, cry, try to argue, or whatever she wants to do, but don't even address further.
The fact that you even heard her out has now put you in a position of weakness, and she thinks you thoroughly agree with her every word. Sorry...you kinda blew this one.
I concur that you should have spoken up if you did not.
I cannot imagine a better time for the "Look, we're not going to be buddies because that's just not how life works" speech.
Sorry, my wife wrote that script and submitted it to MGM for production. It's now appearing in Nebraska at local theaters...
EXACTLY!!!!!!!!
Well, that's not going to happen. A classy lady with high self-esteem and high integrity can find a man who doesn't have an ex-wife all up in his business all of the time.
That's what I was thinking... but how did I answer her?? "Hmmm... you never know..."
Seriously, She has no OM. She just "has a dream" and I'm just wondering if anyone else is competing with a dream that doesn't even contain ANY reality???
I don't think this is that usual of a fantasy. My ex's idea was that we would live next door to each other and be best friends. My response:
"I am only your friend within the context of this marriage."
anothercasualty...I just have to ask you...as your wife was spewing this fantasy divorce scnario, what were you doing? Just listening and trying not to puke?
Because the thing is....as you are sitting there just even listening to her spew this, you are tacitly agreeing to it, in her mind.
If you have self-respect, you will hold your hand up in her face within the first 30 seconds of spew and say "just hold it right there...that is NOT how our divorce will be so you may as well save your breath". Then let her fuss, cry, try to argue, or whatever she wants to do, but don't even address further.
The fact that you even heard her out has now put you in a position of weakness, and she thinks you thoroughly agree with her every word. Sorry...you kinda blew this one.
Yeah, I gotta agree there. It did get me sex that night (small consolation) but now she feels like I'm all on board. Since then I have just minimized contact, spoken nothing about the futue, an have told her that this weekend we are going through ALL of the finances and separating out our assets and debts. She seemed shocked at first then meekly said OK...
And I've said this before, but maybe the simplest and most powerful response would have been:
"No."
And I've said this before, but maybe the simplest and most powerful response would have been:
"No."
I like this guy. Woof!
Starsky
And I've said this before, but maybe the simplest and most powerful response would have been:
"No."
Are you sure? I mean it's a tough choice: move on and find somebody who loves me and wants to be with me, or... your gay eunich boy friend?
How will you ever decide?
I new here and this is my first post,but how do you know there is no other man? From my experience unless you have something lined up you wouldn't be thinking this way.
And I've said this before, but maybe the simplest and most powerful response would have been:
"No."
I like this guy. Woof!
Starsky
I'm here all week. Be sure to tip your bartenders and waitresses.
LOL!
Yes, I've dealt with a bit of that. I ignore it, and make it clear that's not going to be the case by cutting off nearly all communication with my W. In divorce mediation I bring up the fact that in the event of my death my life insurance and social security will need to be split up between my kids with her, along with my then current wife, and possibly (step)kids with her. I said I will arrange for a trust fund for the kids, managed by my father, not her. She asked "What happens if your father dies?" I reply "Then it goes to my brother to manage." I told her I wanted to arrange the custody schedule so that the kids' transitions are mostly handled via the school bus, so we don't have to see each other. When she asks about my social life, I give her nothing, and I NEVER ask about hers. I think she gets it.
The fact that you're even having these conversations with your estranged W says that you haven't established good boundaries. You can't stop her if she wants to leave you and end your marriage, but she doesn't get to dictate how much you'll allow her to remain in your life. You do. Don't let her use the kids as leverage. If you establish clear boundaries, the kids will get it.
I guess the only way for her to start seeing the man behind the curtain is to show it to her. We have always been good friends, just not great as being a husband and wife. I don't want to cut her out of my life other than kids, but reality is reality... you can't be best buddies and then get a divorce. Doesn't work that way for me... Ive been nothing but business for the last several days and I think it has her a little rattled. I however, am looking forward to meeting some new people. It has been awhile and in some ways I can't wait!!
YES most of us are!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's common.
lol...I got that speech before you told me she wanted a D.
It went something like this -
"We can't get D, we have too much fun together. If we did D whoever we were with would be so jealous of our R. blah, blah, blah"
Yes it is a fantasy. I basically told her in my last email, when she accused me of following her when I bumped into her and my D in the mall, I have nothing to do with your life, I don't want anything to do with your life, except co-parenting our children.
Personally I don't need a "buddy" I used to be married to.
So now it's all dark except for kids stuff. It seems to be working better since most of her other stuff was biatching about me anyway. lol.
I know my W has a similar view of things. Somtimes I want to show my W this site to show her just how predictable she is.
Her IC told her "research shows that married couple do better emotionally in their D when they stay close friends". So I'm supposed to agree, cause research has shown it will be better for me. "people in your situation often seek separation" rather than a D. The IC is an enabler.
No, what I said to my H (in full blown year+ A): I'm not going to be your friend. I'm not going to be your enemy. I am going to be nothing to you. You won't ever see or speak to me again.
And I am dead f'ing serious about it. H wants D to be w/whore OW, fine. I am GONE ... forever. Too bad, so sad.
Her IC told her "research shows that married couple do better emotionally in their D when they stay close friends". So I'm supposed to agree, cause research has shown it will be better for me. "people in your situation often seek separation" rather than a D.
This is total bull poop. Cite those studies. Friendly, civil... sure. No point in starting a war of emotional attrition.
I think your W is misrepresenting what her counselor has told her because nobody..., and I mean nobody who is any good at that job as a family therapist or even just an individual counselor is going to disregard what is happening to you on your end and your need to heal from this and move on with your life, and for that to happen (assuming divorce is inevitable), you need as little contact with her as possible, to clear out all reminders of her in your home, and so on, and that's what a counselor would tell YOU.
See how it is unlikely that a counselor told her that you two should be best buddies?
Oh... and don't even bring up Bruce Willis and Demi Moore: Bruce finally... "moves on" and marries... somebody who looks like his wife looked when she was younger. Too dog gone weird. There are whole tomes to be written about the depth of denial that man put himself through in the name of being a "nice guy".
I think your W is misrepresenting what her counselor has told her because nobody..., and I mean nobody who is any good at that job as a family therapist or even just an individual counselor is going to disregard what is happening to you on your end and your need to heal from this and move on with your life, and for that to happen (assuming divorce is inevitable), you need as little contact with her as possible, to clear out all reminders of her in your home, and so on, and that's what a counselor would tell YOU.
See how it is unlikely that a counselor told her that you two should be best buddies?
Except that this happened while I was in the room in a joint session.
To be clear, I think the IC feels there is hope for us. If I decide to cut bait, it will be over.
To be clear, I think the IC feels there is hope for us. If I decide to cut bait, it will be over.
Did he explain it? Because I would seriously consider a new C otherwise.
To be clear, I think the IC feels there is hope for us. If I decide to cut bait, it will be over.
Did he explain it? Because I would seriously consider a new C otherwise.
She didn't. But I told my W if ever try MC again (unlikelky) I won't go to her.
Sure wish I could edit. . . .
I'm trying to think of ways to get her to go to a different one, but she is not in a place to take recomendations from me.
She didn't. But I told my W if ever try MC again (unlikelky) I won't go to her.
Smart move.
I'm going to provide a little background of an earlier incarnation of TimeHeals where... time didn't heal.
Up until about age 32, I can honestly say that I had very poor personal boundaries. In those first 32 years, I had exactly one girlfriend that I didn't stay in pretty much continious contact with. In short, I built up a large entourage of former love interests, and if you like a life of drama and unstable relationships, you would probably say I was doing well. I didn't spend much time single (I think the longest period was 4 months), and I had one girlfriend that I was friends with for over 10 years (it only ended after she married AND after she had twins--and she had the sense to say... "hey, my family and marriage is more important than us being buddies").
All staying buddies will do--should you not reconcile--is keep you from moving on. Doesn't mean you have to be nasty, but it does mean you need to establish healthy boundaries.
I'm trying to think of ways to get her to go to a different one, but she is not in a place to take recomendations from me.
Unless she comes to you wanting to reconcile, I don't see where her choice in couselor is relevant. If she wants a divorce, then you should proceed as if that is what is going to happen.
All staying buddies will do--should you not reconcile--is keep you from moving on. Doesn't mean you have to be nasty, but it does mean you need to establish healthy boundaries.
Funny you should mention this. I contacted an ex for the first time in 5 years today. I said right up front I wasn't looking for a romantic relationship or even friendship, saying "vulnerable people should have strong boundaries". I just wanted to see if there were parallels in our breakup to my current sitch.
I did 6 years ago. Why is it too much harder now? (Rhetorical question)
When mine suggested that we could all have Christmas together in the future with both of our future new wives/husbands and kids...i asked her what planet she was on!
Why is it too much harder now?
You've changed? There is something harder to learn that you are resisting understanding or more attatchment, so more emotional pain?
That's my guess. When I cared the least, was the "bad boy", and so on, grieving relationships was days to a week tops, and then I was moving on to the next one or chasing 3-4 other women.
When I began to change (and it didn't start until after I took a job that required travel for many years, spent some time alone, reflected on the importance of "family", and so on) I was amazed that the first semi-serious relationship I had was followed by months of detachment issues. For the first time, I suppose I began to think about the importance of establishing a working, long-term relationship.
I'm still learning.
Could be your W is letting you know what she likes and apreciates about your relationship. It is crazy-talk, but at least it shows that she is still attached to you.
Might be time to set some boundries, go out with friends, and let her know through your actions that she will not be calling or dropping by all the time' if she choses not to be married any longer. You will have your own life that will not include her. It sounds like a cake eating fantasy to me.
When mine suggested that we could all have Christmas together in the future with both of our future new wives/husbands and kids...i asked her what planet she was on!
_________________________
Ha... one big dysfunctional Brady bunch with two moms and two dads
I wonder, would there be two Alices? And are both Mr. Bradys secretely gay?
Beleive it or not, one of her aunts and uncles actually do this! On this planet!
Beleive it or not, one of her aunts and uncles actually do this! On this planet!
Oh, I believe it alright. There is very little about dyfunctional families that I don't believe is possible if people really are willing to tollerate high levels of psersonal drama.
Plus... I have been to Apalacia.
[cue the banjo music]
Somebody re-instate the editing function before the grammar/spelling police are forced to haul me away
I think the "reasons for edit" jokes killed the edit button!
Always look at the bright side of life [radio edit]
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y_oM9iUApKU&feature=related[unfunny edit edit]
