My sitch,
Married 10 yrs
W walked out labor day, moved 9/11
No kids togher
OM involved
Well, it seems W really miss's me. I have been doing 180's, no contact and she got drawn back in. Another 2 hr convo last night. Bottem line she hated where we lived. In the sticks, family oriented neiborhood. She felt isolated. Was a long commute to her office as she did work out of the house and felt that being isolated all day with me under foot " I am a sevice tech and have alot of down time" Led to us getting disconnected. She is not sleeping with OG anymore and agreed that she must cut contact for us.
Is still going to Co to explore her feelings. she wants to go back to us being married but living seperately. She had a son young and wants to be kid free which I am not I have custody of my 2 sons. She wants her freedom during the week which we did for 3 yrs before we moved in together. I must admit I miss her sorely but when we lived apart the anticipation of seeing her was much greater. She says she missed that passsion. Wants to talk to me all the time, can't sleep because she thinks of me and us.
Can I go back to 3 yrs ago?
Is that DB?
Thanks
Hi Rondo. It's been a long time. Too bad we couldn't have reconnected under better circumstances. But a little birdie told me of your sitch, I want to come back and give you some support.
I will let your rhetorical questions go as you do know the answers. But you know the drill. You were here a long time ago and understood everything so well. So stick to the basics. At this point, you really have to let your wife get her head together. I wouldn't get into thinking of 180s and no contact. Rather, all you can do at this time is take care of your business. And don't think too much.
From what you are saying you already have a pretty good clue what is going on. Like she said she wants to be married but wants to live separately. It was a good arrangement before so it may be the best arrangement at the current time.
Don't let your brain get in the way. And try not to get too cuaght up in the pain others are experiencing. Hey, that sounds a lot like detaching.
Hang in here, my friend.
IMP
Hey IMP!!
Thanks man I needed that! I have to remember that she does need to get it together and even thogh I see some signs that I have to let her drive the bus for awhile. She needs to figure it out and I need to stop talking so much. I need to give her space to sort it out. I want it to happen quicker but it won't and I have to remember that. It took time to get here, it will take time to sort it out and for her feelings to catch up with her head..
How are you? Have not seen you in a long time. I live in J-ville now..
She is not sleeping with OG anymore and agreed that she must cut contact for us.
Awesome, now let's see her back it up with actions! Is she still saying with OM? Where does she say she will most while living separately?
As for the child-free thing--You have children. She knows that and that isn't optional.
Can I go back to 3 yrs ago?
One person can make that decision. You.
If that's good enough for you, fine.
It would be time for me and my kids to cut the line and move on. If my wife told me that she wanted to be kid-free, I would do everything I could to arrange that.
Lay it out and let her know what her options are. (I am willing to... the conditions are...) Then detach and move forward.
SpinFree
Things are good for me, Rondo. I live in Andover, MA. My sons are doing well, sophomore and senior in high school. I am still a free agent.
Let me know if you need me to get the old 2x4 out!!!
Good luck.
Rondo,
After having been on here years ago and running into it again, one would think that you would know better than to let her pull this stuff on you again..
When a woman really loves you they don't tell you they need time, don't tell you they want to live seperately, don't tell you they want to explore their feelings. Etc. etc. etc...
I know you should know better after all this time..
All that is woman "code" for I want to keep you in the wings while I pursue someone else that I am not sure wants me.
I don't know what it is for so many men on this site to fail to be able to say to a wayward woman who has had sex with another man.... "UNACCEPTABLE... That is unacceptable to me. If you want to live alone, fine by me, but you can NOT have me too. That isn't what I am looking for".
The man who can say that is the one who stands the best chance to SAVE his relationship. If not you may be here again for a third time someday.
She is using you to see if you will allow her to have her cake and eat it too. Looks like you are ok with that.
hey Soleil,
No she has 1 bedroom apt that is small for her and the 2 dogs. The Co asked her 2 weeks ago when she was last there if she was still seeing him and she was. Now she says she is not dating and has pretty much filled me in on what she has been doing. I asked her directly if she was still seeing him at Co suggestion and she said "I am not dating". Told me she will get tested and loose his number if we work things out. She has been pretty open about her feelins!!
Hey Gucci,
She is going to Co and says she loves me but she also messed up. Even asked me why I would want her in my life?
I did tell her what she did was unacceptable and will not be tolerated but when it comes to her I am weak. She is trying hard and was very honest with the Co, he says she is lost and if I can be a friend to her that she might snap out of it.
So I don't know what to do. She said she was drunk with this guy when she did sleep with him. Its no excuse but at least it was not "involved"?
She is making all the moves and wants to go to Co.
Its very confusing for me.
Geez she just called me again and told me she passed tha tatoo parlor we got inked at. She is traveling the next days on buisness and will be at a girls weekend till sundat that she had planned. Will she call me the whole time? Says she wants to talk to me.
Spinfree,
I try to look at her this way. She had a kid at 17, he is 20 and has a kid and lives with his GF. She has never had any freedom because she moved right in with my 2 sons 15 and 13. I can't really blame her for wanting to spread her wings. She is out for a year for sure. It will take me that long to detach from her I'm sure. But before we moved in together we did live seperate and saw each other on weekends and some nights. It was exciting to see each other. Sex was great.
After 3 years here we got into a rut. Took each other for granted and she disconnected. All culminated labor day weekend when she got drunk, hooked up, made a drunk decision to move out. a month later she says it was stupid and crazy and has cried to me on several occasions about the pain she has from hurting me. Does not want to hurt me again so she is seeing Co.
detach deatch!!
She is going to Co and says she loves me but she also messed up. Even asked me why I would want her in my life?
" I no longer do. Yes, you messed up. I don't go back with women who cheat on me. I am not mad, but I am done."
You then MAKE her chase you and go through a crisis...
If she is truly sorry, she will do whatever it takes.
I am surprised after having gone through this years ago that you are going to tolerate it yet again.... Get tough. It will do you well. You know deep down inside. You are making excuses for her by allowing her to use the "I was drunk" excuse...
If that is true, then she should also be ok with you going out with some playboy bunny types for a few months and getting drunk and screwing them. Telling her that youn need to find yourself.. that you DO love her but you need a few months to find out who you are and that you will still date her along with the bunnies......
Should be ok with her right? Go ahead and do it and see how SHE reacts to those things from you. If she buys it she is as silly and naive as you are being.
“As for the child-free thing--You have children. She knows that and that isn't optional.”
Soleil, they did have a good thing going when they didn’t live together. Perhaps the woman thought she could handle but can’t. The way the marriage moves forward is for Rondo and his wife to decide.
“Lay it out and let her know what her options are. (I am willing to... the conditions are...)”
Actually, she has already told Rondo she needs to sort thing out. This is not a time for conditions. Again, Rondo and his wife will have to proceed in a direction they deem best.
Gucci loafer, have you ever read the book “How to Win Friends and Influence People”? If not, do so immediately. What you said to Rondo was uncalled for and shows you have no idea what his story is. I, on the other hand, do know Rondo. He is a good man and he isn’t willing to throw this marriage out the door without exploring the possibilities. After all, the name of the board is called Divorce Busting!!!
BTW, I always hated the phrase cake eating. It is an easy way to throw the blame on someone else.
IMP,
I was reading this site when YOU were on here.
I know Rondo's story as good or better than you.
Make sure YOU know what you are talking about before you point your finger at me...
Rondo is a big boy. He can speak for himself.
I have read that book numerous times. I am not on here to win friend or influence people. I am on here to save relationships.
When a woman really loves you they don't tell you they need time, don't tell you they want to live seperately, don't tell you they want to explore their feelings. Etc. etc. etc...
I know you should know better after all this time..
All that is woman "code" for I want to keep you in the wings while I pursue someone else that I am not sure wants me.
I don't know what it is for so many men on this site to fail to be able to say to a wayward woman who has had sex with another man.... "UNACCEPTABLE... That is unacceptable to me. If you want to live alone, fine by me, but you can NOT have me too. That isn't what I am looking for".
I usually agree with everything you say, Gucci, but I am gonna disagree with this one just based on situations.
Me and my wife had a very nasty 7 month separation and just recently (month or so ago) decided to try to work things out.
Key word being "try" because at this point I know personally I am not completely 100% sure we can, and I'm sure she isnt either.
We both have leases on apartments that run out in another 4 months, and while we have had discussions about living together again when our leases are up, we think its best right now if we don't just move back on together prematurely.
To be honest, I have never lived alone in my life before, and I am currently enjoying the freedom.
I can play video games in my underwear and eat cereal at midnight.
I will have the rest of my life to be told NOT to do that, so while I can, I am enjoying it.
Honestly... Don't you think its a bit risky for a LBS to just let a WAW move back in immediately, before it is even clear that the WAW is sincere?
I guess thats my main thing here... Until I am convinced that her and I can work this out, I don't really want the stress of having her move back in, and unfortunately, the possibility of dealing with her moving out... Again.
I look at living together again as a step in the process... And I don't think it should be one of the first steps. Far from it, actually.
Gucci,
Can I do that now? If I blow her off now she will just say that I am flip-floppy and she hated that when I did it. You know hot and cold. For the last week we have been talking about how we got here and how to fix it.
Can I just say right now, hey you cheated on me and now you need to figure it out and call him?
Hey Gucci,
That was my 1st W and she is long gone. This is W #2 and 3. Yeah we got divorced 9 yrs ago and got remarried 7 ago..
well, gucci, then tell me, who would I know you as?
As for your post, it sure didn't sound like you were interested in saving a relationship!
Can I do that now? If I blow her off now she will just say that I am flip-floppy and she hated that when I did it. You know hot and cold. For the last week we have been talking about how we got here and how to fix it.
Can I just say right now, hey you cheated on me and now you need to figure it out and call him?
Rondo,
I do WANT you to know that I am on here to HELP you to win her back. I have been doing this for quite some time now and my experience and observations have shown that taking the route you seem to be on doesn't work well. Twenty some years and many threads later haven't changed my stance. I remember you from years ago. I remember IMP. Neither of you got your wife back. That means what you did was not successful with reconcilitation. So you want to try the same thing AGAIN? I call that silly. Don't you? So I don't take much stock in IMP trying to preach to me about what I should and shouldn't say or do. I am still here and he has come and gone.
Can I do that now? If I blow her off now she will just say that I am flip-floppy and she hated that when I did it. You know hot and cold. For the last week we have been talking about how we got here and how to fix it.
Can I just say right now, hey you cheated on me and now you need to figure it out and call him?
Your answer...
"Yes, I guess I am flip flopping again. However, I HAVE DECIDED that I will NOT be with a woman who can't be faithful to me. I can't believ I was even thinking about it for a moment,but I now know that is NOT what I want. So, yes I am flip flopping. Good for you that you won't have me around anymore to flip flop on issues. It certainlhy will not be on this one again. I want some time to think and agree that we should stay separated. I am not sure how I feel about you anymore right now anyway."
I have found that approach to work much better to win them back. Women respond better to a tough approach when they have been unfaithful. They don't respect you if you can't stand tough. They try to blame you for the affair. Don't allow it. You have to wait for THEM to do whatever it takes to win YOU back before you can tell her all the mistakes you know you made.
As for your post, it sure didn't sound like you were interested in saving a relationship!
Most men who have the least success with reconciling say those things when I recommend something. I find it interesting that you would say I said something uncalled for, and yet you don't take the same strong stance on a woman who cheats on a man and say to him that what she did was uncalled for AND UNACCEPTABLE....
The men I have observed over many years that have the best chance of reconciling are the ones who took the "I don't need this and am walking the other way" approach... I have seen it time after time after time, that the woman who cheats ends up chasing the BS if he tells her he wants nothing to do with an unfaithful woman.
Have you seen something differently than that? If so, can you point me to all the success stories of the men who took the I will hang in there whiile you decide approach?
Go read Puppy Dog Tails.. (Chocolateyes)..
For around THREE years he was on her haning in there hoping the old I will just keep on loving you approach would bring her around...
It was ONLY when he told her he was done and wanted a divorce and started seeing other women that she wanted him back. He then REJECTED her for awhile. She then begged, pleaded and cried and chased him until he was convinced it would NEVER happen again and that she had learned HER lesson. The whole time it was about HER. She kept allowing him to think it was HIS fault and about him. That is typical of a cheating wife. Don't allow it.
His experience is common in the men I have observed over the years as well as my own personal experience with women. The man who CAN walk away, is the one the woman longs for. The man who hangs in there rarely gets back her respect. She secretly doesn't respect herself, so subconscously doesn't respect him. She thinks, "If I don't even love myself, there HAS to be something wrong with HIM if HE loves me and I don't love or respect myself.
She deflects her guilt on him if he hangs in there. That giver her the perfect excuse to keep from looking and herself. Once he lets to, she can no longer blame him for her problems.. Shazam.. She then wakes up and wants him..
Hey Gucci,
ok I kind of agree with you but my 1st marriage bombed because I freaked out. I could not DB, I did all the wrong things, begged, pleaded, kicked the crap out of the guy!
I was doomed. With this woman I did DB 9 years ago. She was involved with someone else. Told her to move on. We got divoreced. she was back on my doorstep 6 months later. When her mom died and we lived together, she went off the deepend, (we were remarried), I had to baker act her and finally asked her to move out which she did. after she calmed and grieved we stared seeing each other again. She was happy I stuck by her.
Come to now she is in crisis again. Changed her and my life overnite a month and a half ago. But she suggested Co and knows she is menatlly not right. Knows she F-ed up. Wants to find out why?
She has been telling me her where abouts and trying to tell me how she feels and why. Knows she disconneted from me and her life and wants to know why.
Wants our communication to improve again. 4 weeks ago I would have agreed with you that I should have done that right away. Things have prgressed here and I see some good coming from it. The Co is going to address her fidelity Tuesday. should be fun as I see him Thurs.
Rondo,
Please do what you want.
I was only trying to help from many years of studying these things. It is something that once you believe in it, you never go back to pining and trying as hard as you do to please a woman. That just isn't something I will ever do.
I know there is nothing wrong with me now. I already know I am a good husband. Not perfect, but I am fine the way I am. I have never seen chasing and hanging in there with women work very well. I HAVE seen the tough approach work to perfection. However, it isn't for the faint of heart.
It is up to you to get to the peaceful place of...
"I really don't want or need this drama"
Once you do you will never og back to the place you seem to keep coming back to when a woman gets flakey on you.
Time to stop blaming yourself and time to start blaming her.
Find peace. you really don't need this drama. Once you prove that to her and let her really really wonder if she can NOT get you back.. is when she will stop it for good. I think she is addicted to drama and now needs some to escape her boredom of everyday life. She then got you to believe it is YOUR fault.. Expert job by her of getting you to fall for it.
i'll tell you what Gucci. If she does not talk to Co about her infidelity I will do what you suggest. I will pull her Co cause its my insurance and I will tell her that she needs to move on or address her lack of morals..
you don't interpret this behavior as a dating lull? and she is lonely and you are the caring ear and faithful friend who will listen as she awaits her next fix? who else will listen?
and do you really buy this line - "the pain she has from hurting me" ?
must be a rather dull pain if she hasn't lost that number yet.
gucci, you didn;t answer my question. Who would I know you as?
As for Rondo, he isn't going to change anything today. Hence I told him to take care of his business and not think too much. As you said he's a big boy. I have confidence that he will choose the right way to go. It may be the screw you approach you suggest, it may not be. But it is way too early for Rondo to be issuing ultimatums. The wound is fresh. He needs to get his own emotions under control. That will enable him to really decide the way he wants to go.
As form his marriage, we'll see how that goes.
Finally, to point out what is acceptable and what is not would really just be a statement of the obvious.
IMP
Question for you guys: HYPOTHETICALLY, in an IDEAL sitch on DB... WAS leaves, says they need time, the script and the LBS says they won't stand around while they make up their mind and/or they need to cut off contact with OP if one is involved.
Let's say WAS agrees to this, says they want to come back home, do MC and work on it, then what? Does LBS now keep detaching & keep distance or they go full speed ahead working on it, allowing WAS to come back home? Asking because we hardly ever see this happen and its what everyone wants to happen...
they go full speed ahead working on it
What are you/they doing that constitutes "working on it"?
allowing WAS to come back home?
Don't need a room mate. Earn way back home.
But it is way too early for Rondo to be issuing ultimatums.
that is the second biggest mistake after don't believe anything they say.
IMMEDIATE ACTION!
You are screwing someone else. GOOD BYE!
I can't believe you would recommend 1 day of rubbing your forehead over a cheating spouse. There should be no reason why you should give someone the impression that you are OK with someone else enjoying them. unless you are OK with someone else enjoying them. but then why would you be posting here then
Got it. And yes you're right. If WAS can't cut off contact or lies about it, that is BS.
it is way too early for Rondo to be issuing ultimatums
I have noticed people on these forums often confuse healthy boundaries with utlimatums and other such controlling behavior.
Healthy boundaries are good. Don't want to be married to somebody who thinks it's OK to cheat on you, then enforce that boundary. It's easy to have principles, but it is apparently very difficult for people to stick to them even when it's the healthy response.
Agree with that also. Ultimatums = bad news. They are manipulative, too.
it is way too early for Rondo to be issuing ultimatums
I have noticed people on these forums often confuse healthy boundaries with utlimatums and other such controlling behavior.
Healthy boundaries are good. Don't want to be married to somebody who thinks it's OK to cheat on you, then enforce that boundary. It's easy to have principles, but it is apparently very difficult for people to stick to them even when it's the healthy response.
Did your wife cheat on you?
But it is way too early for Rondo to be issuing ultimatums.
that is the second biggest mistake after don't believe anything they say.
IMMEDIATE ACTION!
You are screwing someone else. GOOD BYE!
I can't believe you would recommend 1 day of rubbing your forehead over a cheating spouse. There should be no reason why you should give someone the impression that you are OK with someone else enjoying them. unless you are OK with someone else enjoying them. but then why would you be posting here then
Did your wife cheat on you?
Well I think the Gucci man is right. It was phone call after call to me and today is her B-day. Last time I talked to her she was going out to dinner with her boss. That was it. I have not heard from her since. She palyed me like a old piano.
I must stop thinking she is taking time out to consider what she did. What I must think is OG called her for her b-day and they had a conversation and she only called me out of guilt and keeping me on a line.
Time to detach. Time for me to realize she is a liar and a cheat.
After alot of thought I made a move. I called her. The Co had asked me to ask her about OG? That the Co we are doing will not mean anything with a third party involeved and I told her that. That he is going to ask her about it on tues.
so I asked her what was going on. If she had dumped him? She said its complicated. So I asked how? Seems her Son has asked her not to end it yet because the clown is going to throw him a bachloer party. I said thats it? Says she see's him sometimes and is not sleeping with him.
I told her to straighten it out. Tell her 20yo son to get over it! and if she was serious about fixing us she had to end it. That when she deletes his number to call me. I was not angry. Just matter of fact. Told her there is no way we can work on this, befriends, talk, while this is going on. Asked her to picture this the other way around and she said she would not tolerate it.
I wished her a happy b-day and and to have a nice visit with her friends. Made it clear that we should not talk other than about the house.
Man that was hard. She sounded surprised and was very reserved.
I told her I was better than that clown and deserved to be treated better, She said she knew.
Wow this sucks!!
You did good. It is hard, it is not fun, but now that's it had time to sink in, doesn't it feel good. You got that off your chest. You demanded to be respected which you deserve.
Yes it did feel good Gut. Her s has asked her to be nice to the guy for 2 weeks so he can get a bachlor party out of it. Imagine that?? She says he is begging her and she feels stuck. Says she rarely talks to the guy! I told her to straighen it out, That how could she do such a thing for her S?
Darkness Falls!!
Because she is still with OM and wants to be able to cake eat but is starting to realize you won't tolerate it
Says she rarely talks to the guy!
Probably total BS
Stay Strong
Rondo, I would cut her off.
She is still definitely involved with him. Her saying she is only in contact w/ him because he's throwing a party for her son is ridiculous. Clearly your M isn't the most important thing to her right now.
Rondo, I would cut her off.
She is still definitely involved with him. Her saying she is only in contact w/ him because he's throwing a party for her son is ridiculous. Clearly your M isn't the most important thing to her right now.
Completely agree.
You are doing the right thing, go completely dark. She is cake eating and it is the ultimate disrespect.
She is still involved with the OM, and is lying to you.
The vets that were kicked off would have told you, believe nothing of what the WAS says and only half of what they do.
Total transparency is an absolute must or the marriage can not be salvaged.
Why is she going to Co then? She txted me saying she had to cancel Tuesday. I told her I would take tuesday and she can go Thursday when I was to go and I sent her the Co #.
Than she promised she would not be "with" the guy till we figure it out. That the party is in 2 weeks and she has not seen him in 2 weeks and is out of town with the ladies(this was planned awhile) this weekend.
That she is not inviting him as her date for the wedding Nov 27th.
Whatever!
Why is she going to Co then?
An excellent question for her, indeed. Ask her why she is going if she still is talking to him. She says she hasn't seen him but she has also told you they are in contact still and he's doing this party for her son.
I wouldn't even put CO on the table til she lets OM go 100%.
She said she is going so she can figure out why she detached from me. Claimed she will but she is quite messed up.. I think she is losing it. Her job is over whelming her right now, getting some new accounts and stuff. Between us and her job her head must be spinning!!
Geez she just *snip*.
She is *snip*.
Will she *snip*?
Says she wants *snip*.
Spinfree,
I try to look at her this way.
She had *snip*.
She has never *snip* because she moved *snip*.
I can't really blame her *snip*.
She is *snip*.
I didn't ask/comment on HER at all.
She doesn't matter.
What do YOU want?
If YOU want to live separately, fine.
If YOU want a wife that lives with you and loves your sons as much as a stepmother can, MOVE ON.
She has laid out what she wants.
Do the same.
What are YOUR conditions for reconciliation?
Set your personal boundaries and enforce them.
SpinFree
I never wanted a mom for my kids. They have a mom. I don't need someone to cook for me, clean for me, do my laundry. I have been doing that for years. What I do need is a companion I can trust and spend time with and loves me. I don't need and never had a live in GF.
I want my W, lving with or not.She must be open and honest about her doings and drop her boorish behaviour.
I have my weekends free most times as boys are with mom on weekends. It was great spending them with her.
me-48
W-38
M-9yrs
No kids together
Seperated 1 time before
PS. I want the passion back that we had when we did live sepearte.
She doesn't matter.
What do YOU want?
Short and succint and a great post.
Did your wife cheat on you?
Out of respect for my wife and her health, and a failure to see how this is any of your business, or how mine or my wife's behavior could have any affect on Rondo's success in life, I don't understand the point of your question in context to this thread.
There is no argument. The fact still remains : when a woman (or a man) is telling you they need space, time to live apart, have to find themselves and explore their feelings in a bar or with other people. They are not committed to you. I can understand how when your heart is broken you may want to cling to any hope that this is not happening or that their words have other meanings, but truth be told when they are not sexually exclusive to you, they are not sexually exclusive to you. (or emotionally for that matter).
How life got to this point is a whole other concern and you can read about and discuss "healthy boundaries" and "love languages." You can talk and type about how you wish things were the way they were when you just met. But all of that will do very little to resolve your marital problems. If your spouse is cheating on you and you fail to act on it your lack of action conveys that their behavior is permissable to you. It will continue until they are forced to make a decision.
Steve,
Why oh why can't you be this clear when you reply to me?
Rondo, listen to him...
How life got to this point is a whole other concern and you can read about and discuss "healthy boundaries"
If your spouse is cheating on you and you fail to act on it your lack of action conveys that their behavior is permissable to you.
Minor point: if it is not permissable to you (you don't want a spouse to cheat on you-and why would you?), then that is a healthy boundary.
What you are unfortunately being asked to do is debate whether or not it's a good idea to enforce a very healthy boundary. You will never win this argument with somebody who is willfully codependent.
The very fact that they made this personal rather than dealing with the advice at all should tip you off.
You guys were right. I put my foot down and got results fast. She called and said she did not want to loose the progress we have made communicating this week.
Story goes when she met OG last month he pretty quick offered her S a bachlor party. Her S wants one as he is 20 and his friends are young so he is pressuring W to hang with it 2 more weeks. W said she has not talked to guy recently and has seen him 2 weeks ago no sex. She says in 2 weeks she will "clean her plate of him" and has no interest in a relationship.
We will continue Co and she also wants us to start dating in 2 weeks. Says its not fair to me to get in her mess. I asked if she was afraid of what guy will do since he knows where she lives when she dumps him?
She said she did not think so but was not sure so I offered her my pistola and she said she would take it.
She wants us to start slow (me too she needs to get tested) and I again stressed that she needs to address her infidelity and she said yes to all. We will start dating in November and seeing Co to talk relationship to get all the dead wood out of the way.
Now thats today. But I feel stronger than yesterday.
She is scared of us losing communication and also scared she won't feel the same about me because she closed up for so long. I told her I'm scared to open myself to her. We agreed that we have to do this to see if its salvageable. May be either one of us won't want it anymore or both.
She said she is going so she can figure out why she detached from me. Claimed she will but she is quite messed up.. I think she is losing it. Her job is over whelming her right now, getting some new accounts and stuff. Between us and her job her head must be spinning!!
just an excuse for her to fart around,
I'm sure her head is fine,
she's an adult,
if she can choose to screw around you and deal with the consequences of that, I'm sure her job isn't as difficult as that to deal with.
Why is she going to Co then? She txted me saying she had to cancel Tuesday. I told her I would take tuesday and she can go Thursday when I was to go and I sent her the Co #.
Than she promised she would not be "with" the guy till we figure it out. That the party is in 2 weeks and she has not seen him in 2 weeks and is out of town with the ladies(this was planned awhile) this weekend.
That she is not inviting him as her date for the wedding Nov 27th.
Whatever!
You do realize that when she talks to you in that way,
you have effectively become option #2 (the backup option), the fact that she still considers the other guy an option makes you option #2.
Do you like being ... optional?
Something to think about.
You guys were right. I put my foot down and got results fast. She called and said she did not want to loose the progress we have made communicating this week.
Story goes when she met OG last month he pretty quick offered her S a bachlor party. Her S wants one as he is 20 and his friends are young so he is pressuring W to hang with it 2 more weeks. W said she has not talked to guy recently and has seen him 2 weeks ago no sex. She says in 2 weeks she will "clean her plate of him" and has no interest in a relationship.
We will continue Co and she also wants us to start dating in 2 weeks. Says its not fair to me to get in her mess. I asked if she was afraid of what guy will do since he knows where she lives when she dumps him?
She said she did not think so but was not sure so I offered her my pistola and she said she would take it.
She wants us to start slow (me too she needs to get tested) and I again stressed that she needs to address her infidelity and she said yes to all. We will start dating in November and seeing Co to talk relationship to get all the dead wood out of the way.
Now thats today. But I feel stronger than yesterday.
She is scared of us losing communication and also scared she won't feel the same about me because she closed up for so long. I told her I'm scared to open myself to her. We agreed that we have to do this to see if its salvageable. May be either one of us won't want it anymore or both.
why 2 weeks?
Why this period of time?
Why not today?
Today is just as good as 2 weeks from now,
probably even better, why 2 weeks?
Hey Robx,
Well it can be sooner that we go out but her work next week is nuts. It won't be till the weekend and that's close to her son's party. Seems this guy offered his house to these kids. I refused some time ago because I was not going to be liable for a bunch of 20yo drunk kids. So the S is pushing her to keep things status quo for that reason.She wants to tell her S forget it but he is her only child and had no dad (till me) and he did not like that cause I told him no, but she caves thinking she never did enough for him. I told her its got me weireded out and I nor her ever had a bachleor party but he deserves one??
And desrves to involve his mom!
According to Urban Dictionary
4. Weirded Out 9 up, 49 down
Alienated by the one you love and who you thought loved you.
See dumped
You got weirded out SON
You are naive and getting played.
How sad that you went through this before and are still acting so weak and afraid to say ENOUGH...
She is lying to you...
Rondo,
Women who like you in the right way make it EASY.
They do NOT do what your Wayward is doing..
They WANT to be with you
They do what it takes to be with you..
You are getting played. I GUARANTEE it
You should know better after being on here for almost three years previously...
Hey Robx,
Well it can be sooner that we go out but her work next week is nuts. It won't be till the weekend and that's close to her son's party. Seems this guy offered his house to these kids. I refused some time ago because I was not going to be liable for a bunch of 20yo drunk kids. So the S is pushing her to keep things status quo for that reason.She wants to tell her S forget it but he is her only child and had no dad (till me) and he did not like that cause I told him no, but she caves thinking she never did enough for him. I told her its got me weireded out and I nor her ever had a bachleor party but he deserves one??
And desrves to involve his mom!
don't you usually throw your own bachelor party when you get your own place?! LOL! I've never heard of a bachelor party where you don't have your own place and you have to borrow someone else's? What's the use of being a "bachelor" and having a "bachelor's party" if you don't even have your own place.
Yes... I believe you are getting played.
If the kid really is an adult,
him and his friends would figure out how to have their own party, they wouldn't need mommy to facilitate the party using the man she cheated on her husband with.
Am I the only one that sees this?! WTF?!
(no I'm not)
;-)
The S has a place with a baby momma and a kid. can't have it there. Matter of fact W and baby momma will be there taking care of little one that night.
As far as being played I'm not so sure. W has been very open with her doings for 2 weeks and has been very reflective. There really is no reason to play other than to keep me involved. We share no accounts, we have a prenup, I am in house trying to get refinanced. She could have walked free and clear labor day weekend and never bothered with us again. She is going to Co, and seems to want to start over again.
The guy is a loser. Now is she keeping me on a string till she finds another?
I have known this woman a long time. She is honest and answers my questions. She knows she f--ked up and is trying to make ammends but she is always cautious to lead me on and I have expressed my fears also. She has said that sveral times. She is confused about what she did It was not a long term thing. She got pdrunk and pissed off and grabbed the first thing that came along and now regrets it. I want to save our marriage because I love this woman dearly. I know I have a weak spot for her. But I told her cheating will not be tolerated and she better fix this and she agreed. If I find out differently its over. But I feel stronger now, more in control over the last weeks of crying and asking why this hppened? I now know why and what we did to get to this point as a coulpe. We have discussed it backwarsd and frowards. Communication has always been one of our issues. The Co will address the infidelity with her. If she is still involved he will let me know.
How many times do you hear the the LBS say, I know this woman and she is now telling me the truth.
You are being played. All the stuff with bachelor party, work, etc is all BS.
I would be very careful, look for that other shoe to drop in 2 weeks. She is not done with the OM.
Listen to Gucci. I know the 2X4's hurt, but get yourself prepared.
I agree that I should be very wary of whats going on here. I am going to detach at this point and guard my self from her. If something good happens so-be-it. Something bad I will be prepared.
Had some good PMA last night. Met some ladies for trivia. Had some laughs..
She is lying to you...
Rondo,
Women who like you in the right way make it EASY.
They do NOT do what your Wayward is doing..
They WANT to be with you
They do what it takes to be with you..
You are getting played. I GUARANTEE it
This! All of it!
Okay, the 2x4's are making me feel like the zombie in the bar in Sean of the dead while queen is playing!!
Your right. she is stringing me along for some reason? If she wanted to start the process of getting together she would not have a time table. She must planning something other than just a bachelor party. She already canceled her Co appoint for Tues so instead I took it and I told her she could go to mine Thurs. I mean both are at noon. She works nearby and everybody gets a lunch. I am going dark now and if she cancels Thurs I will know why.
Its because he is going to address her infidelity.
I think she is waiting to see if OG does have the party and if he does she will be with him.
Rondo,
You're all over the place. Unresolved emotions can do that to anyone. Stop trying to guess what is happening. Until you are specifically told, you and no one else here can possibly know for sure. Your post at 7:59 was a rational approach. Go to the counselor on Tuesday and look for guidance. It's easy for a bunch of pissed off guys on a message board to tell you what is up. It is a different story when you have a professional to help you sort things out. At some point, you will know what you want and what you do not want. Don't do anything that you may regret later. Remember you are the only one here who has to live with yourself and the consequences of your actions.
IMP
I think she is trying to get out of it IMP. I'm not going to do anything rash, just gonna hunker down and work on myself. Perhaps her girls weekend will open her eyes a little. There will be a mix of women, sigle,married at a beach house.
She rarely hangs out with women her age, usually listens to her s 21 yo GF blab. Yeah she has experience in life!!
I'm gonna go dim and get my PMA up. Gotta work Sunday, long day but keeps me busy.
Rondo, that sounds about right. You aren't going to solve this thing overnight.
Are you still in touch with any of the old Florida party bunch?
Yes, I talked to barb a few weeks back here. They deleted the thread. W called she is on way to S FLA, she was complaining about traffic in Orlando and apologized for being pissy, that she was tired and worn out from the week. I told her to relax and have fun over the weekend, to forget about work and us and have a good time.
BTW we talked because our mortgage co requested some info that she had faxed to her computer and than emailed to me.
Your right IMP. I need to relax and watch this play out. We don't live together and if she comes to her senses and values our marriage as I do she will come around.
Rondo, I still send an occasional greeting to nursemom who I know sees Barb from time to time. If you need anything, they can find me. I saw Frosty this past summer in Philadelphia. She's had some tough time with cancer but it handling it well.
Thats good. I heard of frosts illness. Did she and her H get a D?
I would like to see those folks again.
It's easy for a bunch of pissed off guys on a message board to tell you what is up.
Wow, where did THAT come from, IMP? I thought Rob and Gucci were both happily married? Regardless of whether or not you agree with them, at least they took the time to come by and try to help poor Rondo here; you shouldn't insult them IMHO.
Someone please correct me if I'm wrong.
Starsky
M 38
W 37
S 8
D 7
Someone please correct me if I'm wrong.
That seems fair to me. The personal attacks are pretty much one-sided.
You see the pattern:
Person A offers their advice based on their experience and understanding of this sitution (person B, and so on).
The advice of person A goes something like this: it's OK to have healthy boundaries and enforce them, and if you don't, then why do you expect things to change?
Response from IMP? Without discussing anything about the advice whatsoever, personally attack person A.
Textbook stuff.
It's easy for a bunch of pissed off guys on a message board to tell you what is up.
Wow, where did THAT come from, IMP? I thought Rob and Gucci were both happily married? Regardless of whether or not you agree with them, at least they took the time to come by and try to help poor Rondo here; you shouldn't insult them IMHO.
Someone please correct me if I'm wrong.
Starsky
M 38
W 37
S 8
D 7
Mayhaps he is one of those "pissed off guys",
IMP stay 'in your place'! ;-)
Why can't we all just get along? I came here from another forum cuz they didn't allow any dissent over there without attacking you and belittling you. I'm hoping this one isn't the same way. :o(
Hey guys It cool.
I get the advice now that rob and gucci have given me. I am enforcing my boundries but at the same time W knows me as a certain person. I have been good to her over the years and she should think about that. My plan is to go to Co Tues since she can't. If she cancels Thurs I will let her know that I see no effort from her side to reconcile and we need to end it. That I value our marriage and if she does not she can have the life she choose to have.
On the other hand until than I will be pleasant if she calls and I take it. Just can't take it in the morning, its the worst time for me..
Why can't we all just get along? I came here from another forum cuz they didn't allow any dissent over there without attacking you and belittling you. I'm hoping this one isn't the same way. :o(
Bad karma with you you brought.
Why can't we all just get along?
Because it's not only our choice to get along.
If somebody chooses to make things personal, they alone have chosen to not get along, and there's not a danged thing you can do about that except accept that you aren't going to get along with them.
Frosty has been d'ed for a while. She is engaged now. So I met her fiance and we sent her to bed and drank and talked sports.
It's easy for a bunch of pissed off guys on a message board to tell you what is up.
Wow, where did THAT come from, IMP?
Experience, Starsky.
Why can't we all just get along?
Because it's not only our choice to get along.
If somebody chooses to make things personal, they alone have chosen to not get along, and there's not a danged thing you can do about that except accept that you aren't going to get along with them.
Not everybody likes dryer sheets.
Some of us have a mutual understanding of life's complexities.
Not everybody likes dryer sheets.
Perhaps
Don't know why they wouldn't. The darned things smell good, soften your clothing and towels, and the dogs like to play with them where you are finished using them.
What's not to like?
It's easy for a bunch of pissed off guys on a message board to tell you what is up.
Wow, where did THAT come from, IMP?
Experience, Starsky.
I guess one person's "experience" is another person's rude cynicism.
don't you usually throw your own bachelor party when you get your own place?! LOL! I've never heard of a bachelor party where you don't have your own place and you have to borrow someone else's? What's the use of being a "bachelor" and having a "bachelor's party" if you don't even have your own place.
Yes... I believe you are getting played.
If the kid really is an adult,
him and his friends would figure out how to have their own party, they wouldn't need mommy to facilitate the party using the man she cheated on her husband with.
Am I the only one that sees this?! WTF?!
(no I'm not)
In the military we called this Tactical Deception.
In the military we called this Tactical Deception.
Would that be like painting all of your tanks white, painting red crosses on them, and then claiming they are ambulances?
Well lets put it this way 11/2 is my birthday. Over the next coulpe weeks I will see if she is trying. Like I said. If she skips both days Co we have set up I will know that she is still with him because Co was going to address it. I don't expect to hear from her this weekend since its "girls weekend" not even sure of that one.
My next strategy is if she blows off both Co sessions and still trys to "friends" me I am going to tell her its time for her to move on since she has no respect for our marriage.
Not sure of the wording though.
Why can't we all just get along? I came here from another forum cuz they didn't allow any dissent over there without attacking you and belittling you. I'm hoping this one isn't the same way. :o(
Bad karma with you you brought.
Tsk Tsk. Yoda is shaking his head
Bad karma you have brought...
"Girls weekend"???
"What are the Stooges? Show me these stooges of which you speak."
Starsky
Oh C'mon. She had this set up for months..
And just a side bar___
W is very quick to act during a breakup. Such as when our first marriage ended. (long story).
She still has all our pictures on her facebook, romantic pictures from cruises, trips etc..
Secondly she called me 2 weeks ago to get me to meet her at a notary to change her death beneficiry to her S from me. Has not pushed it as a matter of fact she said this week that if she really was wanting to get out completely she would have had me sign already and mentioned her facebook and questioned why she has not deleted them?
You know, if you take some chicken pieces, soak them in buttermilk, then roll the pieces in a mixture of flour, salt, pepper and paprika and those crumbs... and fry it all up, you have fried chicken.
You're just missing chicken, buttermilk, flour, spices, oil and a good iron skillet. You've got the crumbs.
Why can't we all just get along? I came here from another forum cuz they didn't allow any dissent over there without attacking you and belittling you. I'm hoping this one isn't the same way. :o(
Bad karma with you you brought.
Tsk Tsk. Yoda is shaking his head
Bad karma you have brought...
Hmmm, Yoda's language you question yes?
Not wise.
Some say he thought that Star Wars was a documentary. All we know, he is called The Pinhead.
Geez I'm sick of this crap!
What do I say to her when I address her cheating and I let her go. No more star wars crap, dryer sheets and general BS. I need some advice!!
If you don't want to be married to somebody who is going to cheat on you, then state the boundary and enforce it:
Step 1:
"I will not have an open marriage, and I won't be the only one in a marriage that is willing to work on it anymore.", then go dark, see a lawyer, and make plans for a life without her anymore. This includes protecting yourself financially (hence the lawyer visit).
Don't take her calls, nothing. If she shows up on your doorstep and tells you its over with OM, tell her you don't believe her, and in any event you have a lot of thinking to do.
This should be adequate to cover a few weeks unless you are in a big hurry to file for divorce or she is in a big hurry to file for divorce.
Then get out and do all of your GAl stuff and have a good life that doesn't involve thinking about her all of the time.
You need incontrovertable proof that affair is over, and she has to work to restore your trust, or you will be back here again and again.
Thanks Timesheals. Its only been a month and a half so I have not wasted too much time. I did verify she is on a girls W/E had a mutual friend check her face book status. Well she is my friend from years ago but she met W and they connected.
I'm sure I will hear from her Sunday when she is driving back but I will be at work. I will not take her call until I am strong enough to state these things. Thanks again
I have a new user name.. A tossup