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Posted By: Serenity13 Letting My Guard Down - 09/16/10 04:10 PM
Friends ~

I know I haven't posted much lately...

I am still on here everyday however not much changes and who really wants to relive this day in and day out?

The past month H has done an about face...

Being kind, texting out of the blue to see how my day is going, asking me questions about little man, seeing him more than normal...

I kept my guard up...

2 weeks ago, he said he loved me...

Guard slipped a bit...

1 week ago, he stated the more he learns about God, the more open he is to "us"...

Guard is down more than it should have been...

Came into work yesterday and received D papers...

Hello idiot...

If nothing has been learned the past 19 months, I should have realized that when he is nice, the knife is going to come out and be driven in at full-force.

Even with a friend telling me not to trust him, I still did.

Today, I feel like I did that night so long ago when he admitted he cheated.

Numb, like I just took a billion steps backwards.

Just wanted to get this down for my records.

(((Hugs)))
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/16/10 04:24 PM
Wow, Serenity, I'm so sorry he put you through that.


Quote:
Hello idiot...


Hello human being with feelings.....


Quote:
Today, I feel like I did that night so long ago when he admitted he cheated.


I understand.

Hope vs. reality. It's a fine line.

You are a tough cookie. Hold your head high and don't be ashamed of hoping. Now you know and you already know what you need to do.

(((Serenity)))
Posted By: DanF Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/16/10 04:29 PM
((((Serenity)))))
Posted By: Virtually_Handsome Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/16/10 04:37 PM
((((((((Serenity))))))))
Don't forget that you are not alone. HUGS!
Posted By: hbm Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/16/10 05:03 PM
If it makes you feel any better once I got the divorce papers the days that followed I actually started to feel better for some strange reason. Maybe reality set in and I knew I had to let go at that point. Whatever the reason the pain lessened. I wish the same for you.

Hang in there! We all understand what you are going through.
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/16/10 05:12 PM
Hi Sweetie,

My thoughts are with you....just remember that everything will be all right.

HUGS
Posted By: CityGirl Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/16/10 05:39 PM
Everything will be okay because you are amazing! Thinking of you!
Posted By: CPCajun Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/16/10 06:30 PM
Don't let that get to you..and don't let your guard down no matter what.

My W started to drop the shields just a smidgen around the day I was served. Its not that we were at the very beginning of talking and she did that. It just so happen it took a month for the D papers to arrive.It was bad timing.
I never let it get to me, as from day one I knew they would come and I already accepted it. This one hurdle is out the way. Get you a lawyer and protect yourself. Let the L's work it out, while you continue to work on getting back together. Still continue to GAL and 180.
Posted By: robx Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/16/10 07:41 PM
(((Serenity)))
Posted By: robx Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/16/10 07:42 PM
Originally Posted By: CityGirl
Everything will be okay because you are amazing! Thinking of you!


It's true, you are amazing, don't let anyone tell you different.
Posted By: Coach Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/16/10 07:45 PM
Quote:
Numb, like I just took a billion steps backwards.


I've told you a million times don't exaggerate! grin

Just another bomb dropped on your journey. You see the good in the world and in people. It's not a weakness. You can handle it.

Cheers
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/16/10 07:54 PM
From 32,000 feet (on my way to visit my folks), I am SOOO sorry, 13. I wish you would kept us posted, maybe we could have helped you keep your guard up.

(((((hugs)))) -- and PRAYERS!!!!

Puppy
Posted By: TimeHeals Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/16/10 07:59 PM
Quote:
I've told you a million times don't exaggerate! grin


Oh, it has to be far more than that: at least a gazillion times!

This is a mortifyingly gigantical problem! grin
Posted By: soleil Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/16/10 08:00 PM
((( Serenity )))

You will be FINE. Know that. smile
Posted By: Serenity13 Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/16/10 09:55 PM
(((((Friends))))

Thank you everyone who responded...Thanks for the hugs (Rob - I know you aren't an "internet hugger" so it is always brings a smile to my face when I see that from you) and the prayers. smile

I sat here (not literally) yesterday, last night and the majority of today just reflecting over the past 19 months and I see how far I have come from that fateful day he confessed, to the day I found this site.

I thought back to the ones who have stood by me from day one - You know who you are - The ones who were here when I was still self-injuring, a bi-polar mess swallowing 5 pills a day to get through life, when I was suicidal, when I hit rock bottom and had no choice but to rise...

And rise I did...Higher than I ever thought possible...

Off all meds, a calling I never expected, wanted nor desired yet more excited about that I ever thought I could be...

And as I thought, I remembered all the advice, the words of wisdom and yes some words even said in frustration...

I said to myself, "You can continue to rise and move forward or you can let him knock you down again"

I can allow him to set me back a billion steps - (Thank you Coach for showing me how dramatic that statement was) or I can continue to focus on what I have been called to do...

So while it stings and it was done in a cruel way and yes I am still numb, I choose to continue to walk forward.

I choose to not allow him to rule my emotions and I choose to not allow him to be the deciding factor on whether I am happy or not.

I choose to be the best mother, friend, aunt, sister, daughter, student & (eventually) Pastor (in combat boots Puppy) that I can be and no one will take that from me ever again.

(I feel like I should throw a Mother Effer in there...But I won't)

I choose to treat people the way I want to be treated, I choose not to disrespect him no matter how low he sinks...

I choose to live and be happy regardless of his choices.

In the end, I can sleep at night knowing I did everything I could to save my marriage and sometimes it just isn't meant to be.

(((((Hugs))))
Posted By: KellBell0820 Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/16/10 10:04 PM
I haven't been here long and don't really know you, but (((hugs))). You'll be ok, just like you said, you'll rise above it.
Posted By: Serenity13 Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/17/10 12:36 AM
(((Kell)))

As much as I hate to see new people come to this place, I welcome them as well.

You will find healing here, if you are open and not to stubborn.

smile smile
Posted By: Serenity13 Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/17/10 01:43 AM
Pup~

First, I am honored you would respond from 32,000 feet up! grin

As for keeping you all posted, everything was basically the same crap...

Mean, nice, mean, nice...

Then all nice and I didn't want to put all my eggs in one basket so I didn't say anything...

I wanted to see if it was possible that he actually had true remorse for what he has done.

I got my answer, painful, however now I truly know...

My guard is up tight as Ft. Knox.

Have a safe flight and a wonderful visit.

(((Hugs)))
Posted By: rockedworld Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/17/10 02:37 AM
My dear sister (((Serenity)))

You know I have so much respect for you and the integrity with which you have walked your painful journey. The way you continue to rise above and find a place of peace and even joy despite all you have faced... true inspiration.

You are going to be more than fine. You are going to do more than rise above... you are going to soar!

And you know I am hear for you... always. (((hugs)))
Posted By: Serenity13 Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/17/10 03:16 PM
((((Rocked))))

Thank you for your kind words my dear sister... You know I have the same respect and inspiration for you as well and I will continue to do so.

We will soar...Not just me, you as well.

((((Hugs))))

smile
Posted By: kara Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/18/10 04:33 AM
Hey Serenity,

I kinda thought you were soaring already wink

I also kinda feel for Mr. Serenity. I don't think he is in a good place. I'd rather be where WE are than where many of the WAS
are. For their sakes, I hope they find a measure of remorse, acceptance and eventual peace about their behaviour. I don't say it to sound judgmental because we will all mess up in varying degrees in life and we have all contributed to our M issues. I just don't think that they can find any true knowledge of self and deep seated joy without coming to a place of remorse. For the sakes of WAS who have been loved by us all, I hope they come to a better place. I wouldn't wish their choices on my worst enemy.

Keep your head up, chica.
Posted By: LSG Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/18/10 05:08 AM
Serenity,

I have followed you as much as possible, and you have really changed your life for the better. I have so much respect for you. There is hope for all of us seeing what you have accomplished.

(((hugs)))
Posted By: luvless Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/18/10 09:44 PM
Originally Posted By: Serenity13
If nothing has been learned the past 19 months, I should have realized that when he is nice, the knife is going to come out and be driven in at full-force


I'm so sorry this happened to you frown but thank you for this...I needed to hear it bcuz this is coming my way too.

Luv
Posted By: BobbiJo Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/18/10 11:38 PM
This just happened to me, too. He was nice all week and more chatty than usual. Then today he says we need to talk about introducing the kids to someone else bc I am going to start having ow spend time with them frown
Posted By: Serenity13 Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/20/10 03:34 PM
Kara~ I was my friend and for a brief moment in time, I allowed him to let some of the wind out of my sails. However, I am back on course for a better life. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy, the choices he has made nor the pain he has inflicted. (((Hugs)))

LSG~ Thank you for your kind words. Very humbling and very appreciated. (((Hugs)))

Luv~ Forewarned is forearmed...If you know it is coming, prepare yourself ahead of time. Don't let your guard fall. (((Hugs)))

BobbiJo~ We have talked about this and you are stronger than this... I will respond to you on the alt. (((Hugs)))

Be blessed today my friends. smile
Posted By: Gardener Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/20/10 06:01 PM
(((Serenity)))
and...

Peace,
Posted By: BobbiJo Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/21/10 07:10 PM
Hugs Serenity! Hope this day is going better for you...
Posted By: Serenity13 Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/22/10 03:00 AM
Gardener ~ ((((Hugs))) and peace to you as well smile

BobbiJo ~ It started out good, went downhill from there as I am about to explain. (((Hugs)))

Journal ~

Reading through the D papers H presented me with was a joke...
I sent a copy to my L who strongly advised me not to sign them...

Among the fact that he doesn't want any money from his hands to come into mine, he wants full custody of our oldest son, no time-share for me and unlimited access for him with our youngest son...

He keeps the car and his full retirement...

I get zero alimony, my health and dental benefits expire within 30 days of signing...

No child support nor back support...

Oh please tell me where to sign that crap.

The last few days have been a bit stressful, you see H bought our 7 year old a cell phone - Yes I said 7 year old...Well 7 year old has decided when life is not treating him fairly (ie: Mommy is punishing him for not listening, doing not so hot in school etc...) he can call and tell Daddy how mean Mommy is.

I let H know I was taking the phone, it wasn't going to be used in that manner and that son could call him right before bed to say good night.

H wasn't happy with that - Tough.

So H emails me today wanting to know if I received an email from his lawyer (I did and I ignored it), I didn't reply...2 Hours later he emails me at work...I sent him a text telling him not to email personnal business at my place of work, it was unacceptable...

He got upset, wanted to know why I haven't signed the papers - AS IF!

So, the old me came out and it turned into a knock-down drag out...Him calling me names, me biting my tongue, him with his threats, me calling OW ugly names...Him saying he wouldn't come see little man if I didn't sign, me accusing him of brain-washing our oldest who BTW hasn't spoken to me in over a month....

He actually uttered the following - Greed is a sin, you can't be a Pastor if you try to take anything from me in the D.

He needs the D to work on changes within him, he needs the D so he can become more involved with his Church and not have "this" hanging over his head...

He has been forgiven, to which I did respond with, forgiveness starts with repenting, repenting isn't asking for forgiveness and then going home and banging your mistress.

He asked for a sign, didn't get it so God wants him to D me...

Back and forth, nothing being accomplished...

OW is making waves about the fact that we are still married so once again he has to cover his butt to appease her...

WTH is wrong with these people?

Sorry so long, I need this for my timeline.

(((Hugs)))
Posted By: BobbiJo Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/22/10 04:02 AM
Wow....just, wow....

Ok, what kind of crack was he on writing up those papers? He might was well have asked for a crown and a throne while he was at it. He sure sounds entitled about now..

Of course he is going to be mad. You aren't following his orders! Too bad, so sad.

Sometimes I have it all together and then my ex can push that button he knows is there and I lose it. Grr.

How totally pathetic and yet hilarious, he wants to get the D so he can move forward in his church? Yeah, that makes sense. I mean, sure, in a way, bc then he isn't a married man with a girlfriend. But, he will still be that guy who was with the ow while he was married...

I have gone over the forgiveness thing with my (ex)H, too. He thinks that just being a good dad will make everything okay for him. And he has pulled the "I'm sorry" card...I told him that "sorry" without actions (repentance) means nothing.

Ugh. Sorry this all sucks. How are you doing now? What does your L suggest be your next move??
Posted By: luvless Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/22/10 05:18 AM
Seriously? what an insult. I know you won't sign that crap.

Hugs girl - stay strong.

Luv
Posted By: Serenity13 Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/22/10 03:54 PM
BobbiJo ~

How am I doing? I was angry to say the least and guilty for getting angry. Mad at myself for allowing the conversation to even go that far. Angry he uses my Faith against me each and every chance he gets. The greed/Pastor comment just about brought me to my knees.

I almost want to hate him because that is so much easier and so much less exasperating.

I get confused when dealing with him, because I believed every word he ever uttered for so long, now I still stop and question if he is right...

Am I greedy for asking for what is fair by law? Am I a dumbass? (as he so nicely called me) Is it really my fault that my son won't speak to me? Just nothing but more questions and really no answers.

I saved the texts and sent an email to my lawyer to see what happens next.

His Mother still wants me to wait and see what he does...She doesn't think he will follow through and she still believes he doesn't want a divorce, that eventually we will make it through this together.

I used to believe that, now I don't think I want that anymore.

I don't think, to be quite honest that I can be with a man who can treat me so badly...A man who refuses to see his child just because I won't sign his crappy D offer.

I have no idea who this person is anymore but I damn sure don't want to married to him. (Excuse my language)

Luv ~ I was highly insulted and my friend, I am not going to sign it....Even if I have to start selling body parts off to fight him, so be it.

(((Hugs)))
Posted By: LSG Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/24/10 05:23 AM
Serenity,

I feel for you so much.

Don't believe a thing he is saying to you. He does know that adultry is a sin too, right. He should not throw religion in your face. You are not greedy to fight for what is fair. He is the greedy a$$hole. Sorry for my language. Until he is perfect, who is he to pass judgement on you.

I am just so sick of cheaters placing the blame on people like you for their own Crappy Behavior.

Good, do not sign that rediculous D offer.

I could say more, but I am just so disgusted by what is happening to you.

Sorry for the non-DBing comments.

Keep strong and your faith in God. You will be okay.

My prayers are with you.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/24/10 02:14 PM
Originally Posted By: Serenity13
Angry he uses my Faith against me each and every chance he gets. The greed/Pastor comment just about brought me to my knees.

. . .

Am I greedy for asking for what is fair by law? Am I a dumbass?


My dear 13,

I know you already know the answers to those, but I'll say it anyway:

"No!"


The Bible teaches us that it is the LOVE of money that is the root of all evil, not the money ITSELF. Christ warned us that we cannot "serve two masters -- God and money." So long as your attitudes about money are balanced and healthy, there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with fighting to get your fair share for you and especially your family.

In fact, the Proverbs (and elsewhere) make many mentions of how God hates "unfair measures." He is a just and loving God, and He abhors an unbalanced scale.

Keep fighting,

Puppy
Posted By: Serenity13 Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/24/10 03:02 PM
LSG~

Thank you for your kind words and no worries, I am not signing a thing he presents to me.

Originally Posted By: LSG
I feel for you so much.
If you feel anything for me, please let it be happiness.

Each and every trial I face (we all face) is a test, it is up to me to decide how I respond.

Yes he was cruel however I chose to not allow it to knock me down. The meaner he is, the taller I am able to stand, the control he had for so long is gone and he sees that, doesn't know how to respond to it, so this is his way of lashing out.

The only way I will fail this specific test is to allow him to have that control back.

(((Hugs))) smile
Posted By: Serenity13 Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/24/10 07:22 PM
Puppy~

Thank you for stopping by and yes deep down I knew the answer, the fact that his comment gave me a pause is me second guessing myself once again.

Anytime I have any kind of interaction with him, I second guess myself and the choices I have made, however I also know that I am better off on my own than with someone who just views me as an option.

I am not going for the shirt off his back, just what is applicable by FL law, I don't want him to suffer nor to struggle every month to put a roof over his head, food on his table and clothes on his back.

(((Hugs))) smile
Posted By: soleil Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/24/10 07:44 PM
You deserve to know your rights, lady smile
Posted By: TulsaTime Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/24/10 10:48 PM
this is for you and your son. It is just and fair. Don't second guess that. Ever.

As for getting angry, you're human. As Christians, we tend to hold ourselves to a perfect standard, which puts a tremendous amount of pressure on ourselves. I'm beginning to believe anger is a part of this process, in time it can be let go.
Posted By: Serenity13 Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/27/10 04:13 PM
Sol ~ I agree 100% - Thank you!

TT ~ You just hit the nail on the head and I didn't even realize it...The "striving for perfection" based on what He wants me to do is kicking my butt...Feeling like I can't be angry or I can't be upset or feel revengeful or just break down and cry is tearing me up...You read my stuff, you can see in my last post exactly what stuffing it down has done to me...

Accepting that yes, I am striving to be more like Him, however I am not going to walk through this perfectly is what I need to focus on.

smile

(((((Hugs)))))
Posted By: BobbiJo Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/27/10 05:33 PM
Oh Serenity...

We were just talking about this at Bible study yesterday...we were reading about Solomon, and how God had appeared to him directly and spoken to him, and Solomon promised to follow Him faithfully. And then, he married 700 different women...and ordered altars built so that his wives could worship other Gods. Here God Himself appeared to Solomon, and he still couldn't keep it together! wink And his father David also screwed up. But God loved them both anyway. And my pastor said what a relief it was to know that God still loves us even when we aren't perfect....

Hang in there. You are human, so am I, we are bound to make mistakes. Just keep walking anyway. smile
Posted By: tristan Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/27/10 06:22 PM
Hang in there Serenity. I am praying for you.
Posted By: Serenity13 Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/27/10 09:28 PM
BobbiJo~

Thank you for the reminder...I need to write that down where I can see it each and every time I get mad or curse or feel like taking a chainsaw to my H's privates.

"I am human" - That should be my next tattoo smile smile

(((((Hugs)))))
Posted By: Serenity13 Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/27/10 09:29 PM
T~

Always a pleasure my friend....Thank you very much!
I hope all is well with you and the Mrs. smile smile

(((((Hugs to you both)))))
Posted By: kara Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/27/10 10:53 PM
It is your humanity that will make you an awesome Pastor. You will be able to empathize and identify with people in many situations. You will not be speaking theoretically but from a place of authenticity and I think that you are going to be a very powerful person working for God. My wise mother told me at the start of my sitch that I would come out of it a strong women with empathy and understanding for others. Our human failings and strengths are shaping and fine-tuning us each day and helping us reach our God-given potential.

It IS a journey and every step is a lesson from which we should derive something. Lots of "teachable" and "learnable" moments. Although perhaps we would still like to cut this particular class...


(((Hugs)))
Posted By: Serenity13 Re: Letting My Guard Down - 09/28/10 02:09 PM
Kara~

You are a beautiful woman, inside and out my friend. I thank you for the kindly reminder as well as the Faith you have in me to do His work.

Yes, there are days when I want to skip class or cut it out altogether however you are correct, each and every situation and circumstance we face is a lesson to be learned.

It will make me a better steward of His word and one day, a Pastor who does have an enormous capacity for empathy, humanity, compassion, kindness and love for the people He sends to me.

Have a blessed day.

(((Hugs))) smile smile
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