Perspective. One story, and two perspectives.
Coach and I were talking over dinner tonight – well, I was talking and he was actively listening
about what a difference it makes
who is telling the story of a breakup. And it matters who is listening to the story, too, in terms of the advice and counsel.
Reflecting on a recent poster (Doodi), I was opining that if I had come on DB some years back and told my story at
that time in the Coach-Greek history, I would have looked very differently to y’all than I did when Coach got on here and told his story. He would look very differently to you, too, in part because I would be telling the story.
Perspective. Thank God he found this site when he did – don’t misunderstand me. My point is that it really depends on
who is telling the story, doesn’t it? And it’s not about honesty or the lack of – it’s the
lens and the
focus.
So I wonder, for those of you on the journey to save your marriage, sharing on this forum, seeking, reaching out – could you construct a post from your spouse’s perspective? To the LBS ~ what would your WAS post if they were the one to find this place first? What would their handle be and how would they title their thread? Can you put yourself in their shoes and construct that first post? Just thinking about that, whether you actually write it, could be so helpful to you.
Compassion. Empathy. Understanding.
Can you handle it?
Greek
I'll take a shot...
My H is a lazy, verbally abusive, prick when he drinks and plays his damn game all night, every night. Then gets upset when I don't communicate to him. He doesn't even care about anything else, I don't know what's wrong with him. Maybe I should ask him? No I'll just drop hints that he's too distracted to notice.
Then I'm going to cheat on him for a year and then punish him by moving out to my sister's house while he thinks I'm fixing me and then dump him. He's not going to know anything and I'm going to lie to him about everything.
I'll give it a shot too.
My H never paid attention to me. He left me home alone all the time while he went out with his friends or played golf. I stayed at home with our son since the day he was born as my fulltime job. Even when he was here, he wasn't "here". He didn't spend enough time with our son either.
I never really told him that I felt so lonely, and in fact I encouraged him to go and play golf with his friends a couple times a week because I know that makes him happy. He works really hard and also want him to be happy outside of work. I didn't want to try and control him by telling him he couldn't go do things outside the home, so I encouraged him to do them. But it just made me sad that he was gone so much.
My H is really selfish. He always thinks about himself first, and leaves me and my son to fend for ourselves. He spends our money recklessly, not so much lately, but in the past years he did spend everything we made. He doesn't even take care of the nice things that he buys. I have very few nice things like him.
I was very lonely in our M and he never would listen to me. I would tell him sometimes how I felt but not very often. We fought every six months about the same things. When a guy I met at community college started telling me I was pretty, that I was very attractive, that I was interesting and that if I wasn't married he would be with me in a heartbeat - it felt really good. It felt like someone valued me. So, I had an EA with him. And as I felt that feeling from him, I also went out to seek other men on the internet to make me feel the same as he did. When I was doing all this I knew what I was doing was wrong, but I was so angry and resentful at my H that at the time I didn't care. I didn't care how he felt, it made me feel good.
I know that I should value myself, and I'm working on that really hard right now. I'm not talking to any OM, and I know that I shouldn't have sought value from OM to begin with, but I was really sad, lonely and angry.
I'm so tired of my H not being there for me and listening to me. He is a good father, and I still love him, but I'm not sure he will change. I see that he is trying, but I'm not sure that these things will stick. I'm really scared to go back home to him because I'll just get sucked into this M again somehow and before I know it, 5 more years will have gone by and I'm back here again. I will not let that happen again.
I know taking my son away from his father for a lot of time might hurt both John and our son, but I think that we can work together and co-parent and be good friends if we D. Our son won't suffer from this because we will be able to both be good parents and he won't see us fighting together ever again.
- Mrs. John
I'll give it a go:
My wife and I were high school sweethearts, had a rough time in college, split up a couple of times, but found our way back to each other and got married. Had a great time for the first 6 years - we played, partied, worked, built a house, enjoyed each other and our lives. Had our first child and things began to change - W began not paying as much attention to me and I wasn't sure I really wanted to be a father. Then child #2 came along with an unexpected disability. That was tough to swallow. Then W isn't paying even more attention to my needs and on top of it wants to work part-time. More pressure on me to bring home the bacon. Then we moved back to our hometown and I began commuting an hour each way. That made it tough to spend quality time with my family and W is tired from having the 2 kids and working part-time, but she agreed to take care of everything because I drive, so what can I do. We still have a pretty good social life and I get out when I want, but W doesn't want to have much sex, which is frustrating. Maybe I'll talk to her about it... or maybe not. Hey, kid #3 is here. Great. Even more pressure for $$ and W wants to cut back hours even more to avoid daycare costs. And now she's really tired and grouchy b/c I'm never home. Maybe I'll talk to her about it... or just make a quick mention and see what happens. I'll just stop initiating and see if she even cares. Hey, there's a really cute new girl at work. She seems nice. We have a lot in common. She's married with 3 kids like me. We really get along great and her marriage seems pretty crappy. She really understands me and my issues. She really enjoys sex and thinks my wife is a prude. I think she's right. Plus new girl thinks I'm really attractive and funny, just like everyone else here at work that is an hour away from my reality. Too bad my wife doesn't think so - all she cares about is how clean the house is and how I never help her with anything. I bet new girl isn't like that at home. Wow, new girl is a really good kisser. Too bad my wife doesn't kiss like that - she never did. I don't even think I liked the way she kissed me. She never wants to be with me anyway so I'll just shower new girl with attention and see what happens. Hey, that's awesome! New girl loves attention from me and I get the same in return. I think I love her. I never really liked my wife anyway. She was never any fun. I'm going to spend as much time at work as possible, including going out of town on business trips, maybe with new girl. Hmmmm...wife seems to be on to me. I'll just tell her that I'm not happy and haven't been for a long time. I'm sure she'll understand. Oh wait, that didn't work and now wife found the journal new girl and I were keeping to document our precious love. Stupid wife - she ruins everything. If she'd only seen how unhappy I was, I never would have noticed new girl. It's really her own fault for letting me go. Now she's ruined my relationship with new girl, but I'll keep working here so I can see and talk to new girl everyday, even if we can't have sex anymore. And wife keeps saying she'll change, but I know that's not true. Well, crap - wife just freaked out and said some really hateful things to me. I was so right to get out of this marriage. She's just hateful. And she told me that I can't stay at the house anymore. Guess I'd better find a new place to live. I bet new girl could stay with me sometimes. And I'll have the kids with me every other weekend and couple of times a week, so they'll be just fine. And my friends and family will understand how justified I was to do all this. Plus none of them will say anything about it because they won't want to upset me. Wife will find someone new and just move on. It's no big deal, really.
I'll give it a shot:
My W and I have been married for 16 years. We have had ups and downs..actually a lot of downs. We have tried again and again to make this M work and we just can't do it.
I've been feeling really down since I returned from Afghanistan. I have no one to talk to. My W has no idea what it was like and I can't tell her, she won't understand. Instead I spend more and more time alone. It's peaceful when I'm alone.
I met someone on the Internet. She is like a breath of fresh air. She is also having some marital problems and completely understands what I am going through. She listens to me. She's nice to me. She makes me feel young again. I have feelings for her that I haven't had for my W in years, if ever. I can talk to her for hours.
W found out about OW and is unbearable. We constantly fight. W is always nagging me to stop being friends with OW. How is that fair? We are just friends. I can be friends with someone of the opposite sex, I'm not a child. W says it's an affair. How stupid is she? It's not like I'm sleeping with OW.
W gave me an ultimatum. Either I stop being friends with OW or I move out. I don't like ultimatums so I left. Who does W think she is? She does not control me. I can't stand being around her anymore. This will be a welcome change.
I think I'll go on a little trip to see my sister. Turns out the OW is going on vacation and will be near where I am going. I am going to stop to see her. We're just friends, so it's not a big deal.
I met OW. I slept with her. I didn't mean to. It wasn't what I planned, it just happened. As long as I don't tell my W it will be okay. She asked me if I saw OW. I found out my W was checking up on me, with the credit card. What a b!tch. I have no privacy. Who does she think she is anyway? Who could ever live with someone like that? At least I don't have to see her everyday anymore.
Sometimes I feel like I still love my W but I also love OW. I'm so confused. W seems to be getting along without me. She's not calling or texting. I wonder why.
W and I are going to try MC. W says I need to break it off with OW but I can't. I told W I am but she can't see the phone bill and since we are still separated so she'll never know. OW knows not to call when I am around my W.
Bad news. W found some old e-mails and knows I met OW. I don't know why she has to snoop. I told her we met but denied sleeping with OW.
Well, it came out in MC. Wife knows I slept with OW. I didn't want to tell her because I knew it was going to kill her. You should have seen it, I feel like a piece of sh!t. W wants to know why the A happened but I don't know. I was a different person then. It wasn't me... I have completely broken it off with OW...I can't do this to my W anymore.
I've been thinking a lot about my H's perspective lately. This is really thought provoking but I don't think I'm ready to try and write what he might've said had he found this place first. Although, I will say, I think it may sound pretty familiar to Faith2010's post.
Greek - this is a great topic. I'm going to journal on my own and write a more in depth letter just for myself. This is good stuff.
Wow, leave it to me to start something. So I'm going to give this a go...
I met my W over 20 years ago. Both of us just out of HS, both of us hanging out and living at home. It didn't take me long to figure out that she was the girl for me.
Our relationship had some early challenges. I wasn't sure that she would keep loving me after I moved but she did. She was even the reason I decided to join the military. I didn't really care what I did, there was no rush, but we talked about the next step and she wasn't coming home until I was on my own.
When she came back things were tough. Not really us, but money. In the beginning, a night out meant we actually went to the dollar movie. But it didn't matter we liked hanging out at home watching movies. Give us a TV and video games, and we were set.
Life was good. We didn't have kids until the 5 yr mark. Prior to that our lives were work, hang, ML and the occasional trip. Once the kids came she wanted to stay home. It didn't bother me, it was something we decided on. The money situation got tighter but she was never a spender.
Honestly she never did anything. She didn't shop. She didn't really have friends...well unless you count the one she talked to on the phone daily. She didn't have a hobby. She didn't want to go anywhere. She just wanted to sit around all the time.
Things started to change when we got to VA. She had a few more friends. PTA things that kept her busy and she finally found a hobby. She seemed happy enough. We bought our first house and I really thought things were good. I mean I know we had our fights but who doesn't.
She dropped a nuclear bomb on my world in may. All of a sudden she doesn't love me. But not only that she thinks she never had. Has my whole life been fake. She says that I've emotionally abused her for years. Ok, if I'm honest I did have a very bad temper. We had fights, some pretty good ones, but abuse is harsh. I guess she doesn't remember fighting back. Of course, she only remembers taking it, not dishing it.
I thought I was getting better. After I came from Iraq, I know I was changed. But I was in counseling and I was trying. I didn't yell nearly as much and we hardly ever fought. But she still isn't happy. I only played my computer game because she said she didn't care. She never cares about anything. She always says do what makes me happy and now she's coming back and blaming me for everything.
Our sex life is non-existent. She never initiates and she hardly ever even wants it. Every thing has to be up to me in the bedroom. Recently every time I do finally get to the point where I'm tired of waiting we have a fight because I want it and then I still don't get it.
So my marriage is over. She says its her fault and that she's the one with the problems. She's the one who doesn't want to do anything but sit and read or play on her laptop. She never wants to go out with me. She hardly even wants to watch a movie with me. She never wants to kiss me or even give me a hug. I have to ask for everything. She doesn't talk to me. She's the one looking at our past and filtering out all the good in our marriage. There is no way this woman would have stayed with me for 20 years if she didn't love me. How in the world can she say that now.
I just feel so helpless. What can I do if everything is her problem? She can't even tell me what she wants. The only thing she knows for sure is that she doesn't love me the right way. She loves me like a friend. WTF. I have no idea what I can do to save my marriage. Everything is up to her so I just have to sit and wait.
*******************
Well that's how I THINK he would write his side. I censored some of his fave words but I think you get the picture.
Greek/Coach since I was the topic of some dinner conversation, I would love to hear more about what you think of my issues. Thanks for the homework assignment though, it does help.
Smooches,
Doodi
Ok:
"My wife has been faithful, loyal, and always had my back. She has been supportive of anything I ever wanted to do and accepted me for who I am.
But I just turned 40 and I deserve to be happy."
This is what I think he would say. This is what he has shared with me, plus some little mind reading I guess. He is not an oversharer by any means so this is truly all I have to go on.
'My wife and I met online over 6 years ago. We started as friends, but she got me to drop walls I didn't even know I had. I fell deeply in love with her.
Then she broke my heart. She left me with NC for a month and a half. When she came back to me, there was a piece of me I never gave her back.
After her mom died we moved in together. We had an opportunity for a better life together but she would not consent to do it unless we were married. I didn't want to lose her, but I wanted this opportunity, so I married her. I was not ready and felt pressured to marry her. I was young, and not totally ready to commit to the step dad role, but I did. I never really thought we would last forever.
We moved across the country and things were stressful but not horrible. Then she got pregnant. I was happy but scared. A child of my own made everything harder- harder to handle, harder to leave, an I kind of panicked. My wife paid more attention to the kids, house, and computer than to me. She wouldn't spend any quality time with me, even when I asked. She always had something else to do. She threatened to leave me several times, further building that wall.
For a year and a half I have been miserable and checked out of the marriage. She wasn't a bad person, she just didn't want to put in the effort I thought she should. So I started having a very close relationship with a coworker. She was there for me in ways my wife couldn't be, she was young, spontaneous, care free and didn't come with children. By now my wife realized something was very wrong with our marriage but I was so done by this point I ignored her pleas to work on us. I thought it was sad that it had had to get to this point for her to see. In fact it pushed me farther and farther away from her until I told her I was done.
I still love her as a person, but not as a husband. I want to help her as I know I am leaving her in a bad spot. I don't think i could ever be in love with her again, she's just done too much. I don't think I can get past it. I've not been single on 10 years and I'm looking forward to being able to live my life exactly as I want, with no obligation or answers. As long as I am there for my daughter, my life will be much better alone. I will have more fun and less stress. I have a lot of friends so I won't be lonely. I am getting a promotion and will have more money. I can sleep where I want, when I want, and not have to hear the nagging. It is the right choice.
The kids will be fine because we will be friends and they won't understand. My wife will be fine, she's done this before. I will be fine because I will be happy. '
My husband and I met at work while I was fresh out of college in a new town. He was a sweet, kind man who made me feel like the center of his world. I didn't want to date him at first because he was just finishing up his divorce from his first wife, but as soon as that was done our relationship went from friends to lovers.
We both fell pretty fast and hard. I dreamed of having a home and family, and he loved kids as well. My family thought he was great, and I liked his family. We planned and dreamed about what our lives would be like. We got married, and he started on a new career path.
Married life was tougher than I thought. He was awfully fussy, and seemed insecure about a lot of things. I tried to make him happy; cooking foods that he never liked, keeping the house clean when he seemed he could do it better. I let him make most of the decisions, since he was confident about them, and I was new to this type of thing.
After a lot of fertility treatments, we had our first daughter, and I loved her so much. I poured all my love into her, since he seemed less interested in me. I wasn't in the mood for sex much anymore, and had post partum that took a while to get over. I didn't understand why our marriage didn't seem as fulfilling as I dreamed, but thought that I just needed to suck it up.
We went to counseling after our first daughter, trying to make things better. But they didn't change. He didn't listen very well, didn't give me the attention that I had loved when we were dating. Didn't seem very interested in me.
Then we had our second daughter. She was wonderful! And still our marriage seemed cold. He's a great father who dotes on his daughters, but is so involved with his work and his games. Me and the girls are second fiddle and he doesn't realize how much it hurts.
We go to more counseling, but the counselor doesn't seem to have good advice. Just tells us that "It's obvious you love each other, just spend more time together." Sigh...
My H starts playing online games that tie up even more of his time. I start going to a book club and making new friends. I love my friends at work, it's my sanctuary from being lonely at home. I wonder why I married my H, did I really love him? Was I just a lonely girl from a small town looking for someone to take care of me? Suck it up. Your girls need you, and you made your vows.
Then my husband gets cancer and I'm so scared. I don't know what to do, and no one seems to care about me? He's going to die, and I'm going to have to raise the girls all alone. What do I do?
When he recovers, our sex life is so shot. He can't do anything for ages because of surgery, chemo, and radiation. I feel like a shriveled prune. I should be happiest now; he's healthy, I'm young, I have two beautiful daughters, yet he still chooses that damn computer over spending time with us. Why? Why?
I'm numb now. I can't give anymore. I'll just suck it up.
I go to my girls annual weekend, and we hit a spa. It's refreshing to get dolled up. They convince me to try and wear some makeup, make myself look good. When I get back I buy some new clothes and start to feel sexy. If my husband notices, he doesn't say anything. Oh well, I feel alive.
Our ten year anniversary blows by like just another day. He buys me the same flowers he always does, but I don't care anymore. He still plays his damn games, and doesn't want to hear anything I say. Then in the spring, he stops, cold turkey. He starts to spend more time with me and the girls, cooking meals, and talking to me.
I thought this would change how I felt. But it doesn't. I'm cold inside, and he's killed something in me. But I suck it up.
Then on Father's Day, I come home from work, and he's watching a movie downstairs. I'm tired, and just want to go to bed. We had a fight the night before, over sex, and I just want to sleep.
He comes into our bedroom while I'm reading and asks "Are you happy?" I feel the adrenaline surge in my body and say "No, I'm not." He asks if I want to talk about it, and I say that I just want to go to sleep. I roll over, turn out my light and he heads downstairs. I feel so relieved. No more lying. No more pretending that I love him. That everything is okay.
The next day I see that he's been awake all night watching movies. I ask him why, and he says he couldn't sleep. He asks me if I love him, and I can't lie anymore. I say "Of course, you're the father of my children." I see the pain on his face, but I can't lie anymore. I have to go to work, but I tell him we'll talk when I get home.
Everytime I see him, he's crying for us to work this out. I hate coming home now, work is so much safer. No heavy talks, no pressure. I hate myself for hurting him and what this will do to our daughters. His family will hate me.
He's changed! He's losing weight, eating foods he never would have tried before. He listens to me, spends more time with the girls than ever. He hardly ever uses his computer, just the bare minimum. He's exercising, and reads more self-help books than Dr. Phil. But it won't last. He's too stubborn and set in his ways. How can I learn to love him again? I need space to figure out what I want. I can't do that in this house. But I can't leave my babies!
Now months later, I still don't know how I feel. I love being with him, he's my best friend; he's a great father; I even told him that he's a great guy. I'm proud of the changes he's made; they seem to be sticking.I want him to be happy; I don't want to hurt him anymore. I don't think I'll ever love anyone again; I don't believe it works. I want to fall back in love with him, but I don't know how. We're so different. Our MC is a really good guy, and I feel like I'm opening up. H is so impatient though. He wants to go back to our first year together, right now! Doesn't he realize this will take a long time, if it works at all?
He's killed something inside of me....
Geez Pin, I see a lot of my W in your post. I was the same way as you to a tee! Can I just copy and paste yours and switch a few things around? LOL!!! Although my W is in overdrive!!
Yeah, what I find sad is how similar all our stories are. It's not that we married the wrong person, or rebounded or stuff like that. It's just that we didn't pay attention, didn't know how to communicate our needs, and didn't know how to listen to our spouses.
All the infidelity stems from these two issues. So although infidelity complicates reconciliation, it's really a symptom not cause of the problems in a R.
Pin,
I could not say it better myself! Not communicating (speaking and listening) effectively between eachother our needs, wants, and desires. And not paying attention by providing our spouses with love, security and respect.
As LBSs we spent a lot of time to figure out their perspective. Most of the WASs are acting so selfishly, as a defense mechanism, to protect their "image" in out head, to justify our love, we try to understand and then explain their behaviour.
I wish they could see our perspective.
Oh, I think my wife understands my perspective pretty well. She knows me very well, but the only thing that really confuses her is my changes. The other night I was reading "7 Levels of Intimacy", and I said that one thing I really wanted to change about myself was working on forgiveness. She was shocked that I thought I needed to, and that she was amazed at all my changes. Like I could just pick something to change, and it was a done deal. Made me feel really good.
She said she wished she could be more patient. Then the next day she said she wasn't 100% honest, and that she wished she could change her feelings back right away and have our marriage be happier.
Don't underestimate your spouse knowing how you feel. Especially post Bomb, the pain you're going through is a palpable thing. And they know they're causing it. Why do you think they want to get away?
I don’t know if I can do this. I know 1/2 of the problems of m belonged to me so take this with a grain of salt.
I grew up a spoiled brat my parents gave me everything I ever wanted. When I was 24 I decided I was tired of collage guy's so I started dating a great hard working guy from my hometown. He was a little older than me and somewhat settled down. Wow what I change from the college jerks I had been dating. I pursued my husband because he was a great guy who would make a great dad for the three kids I planned on having. I was still in college and lived 140 miles away from my hometown and the man who I would marry.
Living 140 miles away from him made the heart grow fonder, I drove the 140 miles to see my soon to be husband as much as possible, he was so nice, sex was so great, he was everything I ever wanted. I did my job so well I got him to ask me to marry him in only six months, I finished school and moved home 11 months later I was married. I was so happy because after being married I didn’t have to do that yucky sex thing anymore because I had him. After 6 months of marriage I decided it was time to bring c#1 into the world, after d10 was born I saw no need for that nasty sex thing again, until I decided it was time for s7, when s7 was born my boring no fun hard working husband didn’t want any more kids but I wanted 3 because when I was a little girl I dreamed of having three kids.
About this same time my dad got real sick and I had to take on lots of responsibilities and run the family business while my dad went to a far away city to get well. My dad rewarded me handsomely for taking on new responsibilities by tripling my salary, my boring hard working also changed jobs and started making 2 times as much as he had and he wasn’t working 300 hours a week any more, we had more cash than we knew what to do with so we bought my dream home in the country club, new cars for every one, boats , sea doos boring husband started worrying about all the debt we had so that jerk starts working more and don’t always eat lunch with me any more, husband is boring but life is good. When rugrat #2 turns 3 alarm goes off its time for new baby so I start doing that yucky sex thing and this time we have a bonus Twins. Moody, boring, Jerk husband does not want any more kids says he is going to see doctor to keep this from happening again, I tell husband not to because with twins dr has to cut me open anyway so he can fix me then. Twins born Lazy, boring, stupid jerk of a husband lets dr cut out my baby machine, so ther is no reason to have yucky sex thing with lazy, boring, stupid, jerk husband, but with twins we both have a kid to feed at night so we feed kids during middle of night, talk life is good but husband is lazy, jerk, works too much.
I am perfect but married to worst man in world, so I go to old collage town and have fun, leave twins with husband, lazy jerk, husband checks my emails and catches me cheating, we fight husband almost files for d I tell husband how sorry I am but he caught me before anything happens life is good.
Next 2 years I plan on how to get rid of lazy, snooping, stupid, jerk, husband, and keep my parents off of his side this time (You know I have expensive taste so I cant cut off the money train, and hubby is not going to provide like he did) so I wait 2 years start new A with man I work with, tell parents how lazy, stupid, jerk, child abusing husband beats our kids, and has anger problems, and a girl friend. Mom gives me all the money I need so I file for d, hose worst man in the world down in court, take 45% of his pay, cry because he wont give more, and mom gives me all the money I need. I tell mom H is lying I am an angel she believes me then that sorry dirty STBEX of mine takes pictures of me ond om1 sneaking into our house for nooner and sends pics to cash cow mom. How dare him, I will punish him by not letting him see the kids.
Sorry kind of long
Hi,
I have been here reading all these stories for about two weeks and decided I need to post my story since I am not like anyone here.
I was in my early 20's and not very happy. then I met this boy who treated me nice. He made me happy, for a while. I lived with him for 6 years. It took him forever to propose. When he finally asked me to marry him, I said yes, I thought this would make me happy again. Besides, I didn't think I would find anyone better. Well, I still wasn't happy, but maybe a house will make me happy. We bought a house together. That made me happy for awhile. But I still wasn't happy. I thought a baby would make me happy. How about a second one? Now I am unhappy. One more baby maybe? No that didn't work....
Why am I so unhappy?
Maybe if I start hanging out with one of my H's male friends....That might make me happy. This feels good, but something is still making me feel unhappy. All the other ladies I know are happy. The divorced ladies are really happy.
The only thing constant in my life is my H. I realize HE is making me unhappy. I know, divorce will make me happy....
MsR2C
This is an extremely interesting topic and I have been thinking about writing my response.
I just can't seem to find enough imagination to climb inside my WAW's head. I am not good at mind reading.
I could be so horribly wrong that I may have to have her proof read it.
I thought about printing it out for my wife to read.
I thought about printing it out for my wife to read.
It could be so much not like you that your W could fall in love with that man.
Or I could be so offbase that her head would explode...
R2C. I wonder is that what she got? Happiness?
The moral of the story should have been included
R2C. I wonder is that what she got? Happiness?
The moral of the story should have been included
She hasn't looked happy for a long time....A few weeks ago, I saw her with OM from out of town and she looked happy...She is still putting her happiness into someone elses hands.....It is not coming from within....
Hi,
I have been here reading all these stories for about two weeks and decided I need to post my story since I am not like anyone here.
I was in my early 20's and not very happy. then I met this boy who treated me nice. He made me happy, for a while. I lived with him for 6 years. It took him forever to propose. When he finally asked me to marry him, I said yes, I thought this would make me happy again. Besides, I didn't think I would find anyone better. Well, I still wasn't happy, but maybe a house will make me happy. We bought a house together. That made me happy for awhile. But I still wasn't happy. I thought a baby would make me happy. How about a second one? Now I am unhappy. One more baby maybe? No that didn't work....
Why am I so unhappy?
Maybe if I start hanging out with one of my H's male friends....That might make me happy. This feels good, but something is still making me feel unhappy. All the other ladies I know are happy. The divorced ladies are really happy.
The only thing constant in my life is my H. I realize HE is making me unhappy. I know, divorce will make me happy....
MsR2C
Seems a little light and shallow for you R2C. Are you sure you are being honest with yourself?
ok me too:
My wife and I met when I was 22 and she was 21. She had just broken up with her first serious boyfriend. She was my first serious girlfriend. At the beginning we were madly in love. We partied together, practically moved in with each other and stayed in bed all day having sex.
Life was great.
However, we met at school, but our families were from opposite sides of the country. I told her upfront that I was moving back with my family at the end of college. She accepted that.
When graduation came, she got a job close to the college, while I decided to move home. We did the long distance thing for three months, but then she decided to move here. I told her that I didn't want her to move specifically for me, but I know that she did. That was OK though, I really loved her and didn't want to lose her.
When she moved here, I got the opportunity to run a restaurant. So we uprooted once more, which she wasn't happy about, and moved to another town to pursue my dream. After a few months, which were quite fun together, the restaurant didn't work out and we moved back to the city where my family lived.
At this time, she got a really great job that she was very excited about, but I decided I wanted to go to graduate school. I was afraid to start in a new city, so I encouraged her to come with me. She put up a bit of a fuss, and cried, saying she didn't want to lose her job, but the job was unstable anyways, and I convinced her she should go back to school as well and pursue something with more stability.
So we moved once again to a new city and relied on each other to get through it. I flourished, however she hated the new place. Our relationship became very rocky and she finished her program early and moved back with my family and got another job.
Six months later, I moved back with her and we got an apartment together. We were both very happy initially, but then things got tense again because I wasn't working and wanted to go out all the time with my friends. She stopped wanting to do the fun things we had always done together and became very serious. She wanted to start building a future together and to get married.
I thought us getting married would make her happy again. However, it didn't. I was accepted into a professional school and we once again moved across the country. Here I flourished yet again, but she couldn't work and was very unhappy. At the same time, I made some mistakes, had an EA and called some call girls that she found out about.
She tried to leave, but I begged her to stay. For the last year, things have gotten progressively worse. I was stressed in school, she was resentful towards me, and we had several blow out fights.
At the height of my stress, I told her I couldn't do this any longer. She moved back with her parents. For four months we continued to talk every day, but we fought, she begged to come home, but couldn't see my perspective. Finally, she seems to have cooled. One weekend, she didn't answer my phone calls. It terrified me that she might have met someone else. I agreed to at least be open to a reconciliation, however I don't know if my heart is in it.
We spent a fun weekend together, except for the last night she was here, when she again laid out an ultimatum: that I make up my mind one way or the other, or she will make it up for me.
That upset me to almost the point of tears. I don't know what I want. I know that I want time to see if we can reconnect, but I also don't know if time will heal everything. I don't want to be responsible for her happiness and I want her to find happiness on her own. I also think that I might want my freedom. I've known no other girl from her and I wonder what else is out there. Things seem easier in other people's relationships, they don't have the baggage and resentment that our relationship seems to have.
I know I've wronged her and been selfish, and I know that I'm doing that now, but I honestly don't know what I want. Maybe I want her to make the hard decision so I no longer have to feel guilty for breaking her heart.
...I have been here reading all these stories for about two weeks and decided I need to post my story since I am not like anyone here....
Seems a little light and shallow for you R2C...
Intentional (with a little humor).
My wife and I met when I was 22 and she was 21. She had just broken up with her first serious boyfriend. She was my first serious girlfriend. At the beginning we were madly in love. We partied together, practically moved in with each other and stayed in bed all day having sex.
Life was great.
"My first wife could match me hit for hit and drink for drink, and she could suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch. I was only 26 years old, so how was I supposed to know that wasn't love?" -- Steve Earle
...I have been here reading all these stories for about two weeks and decided I need to post my story since I am not like anyone here....
Seems a little light and shallow for you R2C...
Intentional (with a little humor).
Doh! I must be dense.
"My first wife could match me hit for hit and drink for drink, and she could suck the chrome off of a trailer hitch. I was only 26 years old, so how was I supposed to know that wasn't love?" -- Steve Earle
You mean that isn't?????
LMAO!
PEI
Hi Greek.
So I wonder, for those of you on the journey to save your marriage, sharing on this forum, seeking, reaching out – could you construct a post from your spouse’s perspective? To the LBS ~ what would your WAS post if they were the one to find this place first? What would their handle be and how would they title their thread? Can you put yourself in their shoes and construct that first post? Just thinking about that, whether you actually write it, could be so helpful to you.
Nope. I honestly cannot. I very much would like to, but to be honest, and I am being brutally honest here even with myself, I don't know enough information from her to give her perspective.
Timeline: we had a good marriage for 16.5 years (roughly). Not a lot of big issues. We fought over how to raise/discipline the kids. Ocassionally about money. She went back to school to be a dentist. About 2 years into it the stress was really getting to her. She was at a point where she couldn't deal with anything. I noticed. I tried to help. I tried to get her to spend more quality time with the kids. Within 9 months of the last good time we could agree we had together, she wanted out more than anything in the world. She shut me out and became more and more selfish. I pursued. She told me she needed to get away and (physically as well as emotionally) pushed me away. Literally pushed me one day. I would guess she would tell the story as me being too smothering at the time. She began to relive her childhood days. Even my teen daughter didn't dress like that and began to borrow her mom's clothes
Not sure why. She did mention she wanted to date other people. But gave reasons such as "because of the way you were with the kids" or "because of my childhood" or others I don't even recall any longer.
In the end, I don't have enough information to know why she left. Honestly. I've spent two years (much without sleep) looking for that reason. So I asked the MC we both had talked to in the beginning. She tells me we are one of the rarest couples she has ever counseled. Like that helps, right? She told me it was mostly her and some me, meaning I did have some things to change about me. Which I did, but did them for me. She was right about those.
I watched as she went through identity after identity. First her school friend. Then new friends. I could identify them. It was like she was trying on coats, except they were personalities. Weird to me. She later told me she went on AD meds. I could see that depression. I can still see it. I could see and feel the guilt as if it were a lead coat that covered everything in the room. Totally not like her. She accused me of being controlling, without drive, etc. I evaluated those things about me, but realized that it wasn't me she was really talking about. She later said the same before leaving.
When I asked her why, she said it was because she couldn't stand to see me. She felt it was the right thing for her and that we'd always be friends. I told her that wouldn't be possible. It's not. There is no trust. She burned the relationship down to the ground and I had no choices in that. Very difficult to do, but I watched the whole thing knowing that I couldn't do anything about it.
What would she say was the reason? I haven't a clue. I don't think she would know or the story would change depending on the person and the day the question was asked. And that's an honest evaluation.
It has made it very difficult to let go. The anger she showed for so long was very irrational. I realize now it was due to her processing whatever she was thinking/doing. Did she have an affair? I don't know, but I did find evidence pointing to one or more. Did she walk away from the kids? Yep. Still is even after she moved out a second time. Is she still cycling through new friends? Yep. I hear about it from the kids even though I ask them not to tell me.
What would her perspective be? I do not know for sure. I know that she feels she cannot be married to me any longer. She no longer is in love with me but figures she will love me forever. I know she never once said anything about the way I loved her or our relationship, but that she didn't want to be married to me any longer. This was after she re-remembered our history (as she had told it to the MC prior) to be very dark. She has since changed that perspective (meds?) but it is what it is.
What do I think? I think she shattered and is still putting herself back together. I think she has had an affair. I think she is still running away, although may be realizing it's not from me. I think she feels horribly guilty about leaving the kids but cannot stop. I think she has become incredibly selfish and doesn't like that person, but can't figure out how to be different. I think she would agree with some of that. I don't honestly know.
I think she is confused. I think she would blame the entire thing on me and the way I am with the kids. I think she would then say, "no, that's not it". I think the MC is right that I'll be completely done (how much longer?) and she will, sometime after that make up her mind. After she finishes with school. I won't be there then, and I know that. The trust is gone. If it was just about the school and her career I wouldn't live with the person that sold out her family for her career. I'm not wired that way. If it was just her shattering, it's sad because it will be too late. She left twice - once on mother's day and once again about 2 months ago. It's not my choice if she tried to come back, but it is mine if I let her. I will not be able to and I know it.
She would say she is sad. She would likely blame it on me. She would likely list things that are my fault. Many of them have been and are untrue, meaning I can't change those things if they could be changed. I would have at one point if that was the case. But I have no way to be perfect enough and let her date other people etc.
It's why the MC told me in the beginning that it was 90/10. Not because fault matters. It does not. But because she wanted me to know I couldn't change things enough for her. Ever.
Did I ramble?
Your thoughts of course are always welcome.
Something else that occurred to me. She might also say that she no longer loves me (reason not certain) - why won't he just accept that?!??
Her family can't figure it out. My family can't of course. To be honest, she really doesn't seem to know either. Just lives with her feelings and goes by it. Not sure why commitment isn't an issue, but I suspect depression and pressure have a lot to do with it. It may have a lot to do with why she can't give the kids much of her either (that's my opinion based on what the kids tell me and what I see when they cry on my shoulder.)
In the end, it's difficult to really say what she would say. But all along she has wanted me to divorce her. At one point she wanted to be the wounded spouse and went so far as to try and get me to hurt her physically. Thankfully that ended before too long. She tried to get me to be jealous. She tried to hide things.
Is there an OM? Quite possibly. Can I prove it? Nope. Does it matter? Also no. Not any longer.
Really can't figure it out. I've searched me. I can say it was very painful. I've found some things I needed to change. Not things towards her. Other areas of my life and relationships. I've been told by many friends and professionals that I likely won't be able to figure it out. I've been told that long after I'm gone she'll make her decision about what she wants. That may not happen, but then it might. I continue to wonder why she tries to control me or to irritate me by letting me know where she is going to be (as late as Tuesday she did that) or to guess at what I'm doing. Who knows? I don't. Can't see the future. Can't figure out her past. Can't figure out all the things she's said or why she treated me like her father and rebelled against me. For a long time I've felt like I've paid the price for somebody else's sins. There is a part of that. Don't know why or what they are.
I guess I'm venting a bit too. I'm done