H sent me WAW Syndrome article...here I am.

I am new to this forum though I see that I had joined in Oct 2007; about the time that I pleaded with my husband of then about 8 years to "hear me" about his verbal and emotional and (later understand that it has been spiritual abuse as well) that had been occurring since 2002. I am separated from him since Nov, with our son (9).

My husband resists and has refused all counseling; I asked him to meet with my Pastor (which he had spoken to before about biblical things; and I thought he would respect him; but my H respects and trusts NO ONE who he disrespected and told that he would "not take any counsel" from him...I agree with the Pastor's "diagnosis" and don't see any hope for any relationship with him due to his hardheartedness.

My H sent me the WAW Syndrome article by email...(wasn't that sweet of him)...he DELETED the paragraph on the husband's responsibility and the website address so it seemed that "he wrote it" which he has done in the past with his poison pen. I felt that it was the usual abuse that I have received from him and not until I read the original article did I see all that he "left out" of the email...

I not a WAW, I am a married woman who loved her H but he was continually and perpetually controlling and abusing with absolute denial of all of his behavior until I "stepped away" emotionally; and that happened while I was still living with him and I told him so. I know that he was abused in his childhood; rejected by family and first wife (she was a WAW; committed adultery,etc)and VERY controlling of me since 2002. I guess I really don't need to post in this forum as I am not concerned about our marriage.

Don't know if there is help or hope for this marriage; I tried and he continues being VA...I am concerned about stating the D word but really, we divorced emotionally LONG ago; he just doesn't know it.

Thanks.

You and I are in similar situations. I will say that my H says he understands what he did was wrong but I don't know if he will ever change.

What I've learned since I joined this forum is that I can only concern myself with me. I have to take my responsibility in our M and where it is today. I have learned that I have some co-dependency issues and some control issues. So that's where I'm working right now.

Now I'm not saying that if you find/fix any problems within yourself that your M will be saved. But finding any personal issues you might have will make you a better you. And that is at the core of Divorce Busting--IMO.

Just know that you are not alone on here and you will get valuable advice from vets and newbies alike. Sometimes it's just good to vent or here I get it. So today all I can offer is an I GET IT moment. You are not alone.

Smooches,
Doodi

Hi freespirit, and welcome.
I'm new here, but from what I've read, you do not fit the WAW syndrome. It seems as if you are open to fixing things, but cautious. Those are good instincts. It sounds as is if your H sending you that is lame attempt at a guilt trip. Don�t take it. I would reply to his �article� by saying, �Interesting read. What are you going to do about it?�
Be honest with yourself. Listen to criticism, but don�t think for a second he has no blame.

Good luck!

Hi Freespirit,

I am glad you are away from an abusive relationship, they are toxic and suck the life out of you. I speak from experience.

It sounds as if you are angry and I can certainly understand why.

I hope you can stick around and learn from others and provide insight into the WAW even if it is from an abusive R.

I hope that you find peace as you travel your path.

Bridge

Hey Free! Just saying hi. I hope you are well today. Have you thought about getting any IC for yourself?

I'm confused. How did you join in 2007. Are you actually "Mrs. Freespirit"? That is pretty wild stuff. I think Greek put up a thread last week about "perspective", in which she pondered the question: "how would the WAW's story differ if we could see that side too?". And here you are.

Aside from the fascination over this twist of fate, I am actually sorry for your experiences. I believe that you did the right thing for your child by getting him away from the abuse, yet I know it was a hard thing to do. I agree with Bridgestone. While you might not want to re-hash everything, you actaully will get a lot out of sticking around. You guys are still married. If nothing else, it will help you communcate better and that will do nothing but be positive for your kid.

Good luck, and welcome (BACK?)

Hi Doodi; thanks for the support and I am "supporting" you too as IGI also

Originally Posted By: NotFromThesePart

Hi freespirit, and welcome.
I'm new here, but from what I've read, you do not fit the WAW syndrome. It seems as if you are open to fixing things, but cautious. Those are good instincts. It sounds as is if your H sending you that is lame attempt at a guilt trip. Don�t take it. Good luck!

Thanks NFTP; thank you; I know that I am NOT a WAW; if so I would have left in 2002 and not returned and STILL have had good reason to go...he wouldn't have changed; he has "feigned it" for years; I am not "letting him" anymore.I thought it was a very lame attempt and I chose NO response rather than get on the "eternal crazymaking rollercoaster" with him; it has to be drama when he wants to get my attention and since 8/24; he has gotten NO attention from me.

Originally Posted By: Bridgestone

Hi Freespirit,
I am glad you are away from an abusive relationship, they are toxic and suck the life out of you. I speak from experience.
I hope that you find peace as you travel your path.Bridge

Hi Bridge; I call them "spiritual vampires" and I do feel that he nearly "drained me dry" but I am "welling back up" again and he will not have access to do it again. I am not angry; a bit vigilent and TIRED of the shenanigans...old tune, same song, no change, broken promises, wasted time...The Lord has given me MUCH peace and I am getting JOY back as well...thanks hon.

Originally Posted By: A_goodman

I'm confused. How did you join in 2007. Are you actually "Mrs. Freespirit"?

Yes, I am...a freespirit who has been married to an abusive man since 1999.

Quote:

That is pretty wild stuff. I think Greek put up a thread last week about "perspective", in which she pondered the question: "how would the WAW's story differ if we could see that side too?". And here you are.

A WAW (which I am tecnically NOT) but for "sake of arguement" the difference is that I am just trying to tell my dh MY perspective and he will not receive it as MY perspective...
I am "wrong" and disrespectd and discounted....that is abuse.

Quote:

I am actually sorry for your experiences. I believe that you did the right thing for your child by getting him away from the abuse, yet I know it was a hard thing to do.

Thanks and it was best for him (our son and me) and even my dh said that he is doing well with his daughter from his first marriage...age 19.

Quote:

You guys are still married. If nothing else, it will help you communcate better and that will do nothing but be positive for your kid.

Yes, we are "still married" but it feels like a dead marriage; but I hope and will do my best to maintain a good "parenting relationship with him"...he is not the attentive parent (does not help son with homework), he is only trying to be the "most popular " one (buys gifts, etc.)

Originally Posted By: freespirit

Originally Posted By: A_goodman

I'm confused. How did you join in 2007. Are you actually "Mrs. Freespirit"?

Yes, I am...a freespirit who has been married to an abusive man since 1999.

Quote:

That is pretty wild stuff. I think Greek put up a thread last week about "perspective", in which she pondered the question: "how would the WAW's story differ if we could see that side too?". And here you are.

A WAW (which I am tecnically NOT) but for "sake of arguement" the difference is that I am just trying to tell my dh MY perspective and he will not receive it as MY perspective...
I am "wrong" and disrespectd and discounted....that is abuse.

Quote:

I am actually sorry for your experiences. I believe that you did the right thing for your child by getting him away from the abuse, yet I know it was a hard thing to do.

Thanks and it was best for him (our son and me) and even my dh said that he is doing well with his daughter from his first marriage...age 19.

Quote:

You guys are still married. If nothing else, it will help you communcate better and that will do nothing but be positive for your kid.

Yes, we are "still married" but it feels like a dead marriage; but I hope and will do my best to maintain a good "parenting relationship with him"...he is not the attentive parent (does not help son with homework), he is only trying to be the "most popular " one (buys gifts, etc.)

Hello Freespirit,
I came across your post on another site you use to be on and i am still on. I thought i would check in with you here to see if your H has made any progress.
Im sorry but as i read it doesnt look like he has made the first step. My apologies to you for him not taking that first step.
I have been on that site now for almost 15 months, and attend the conference calls etc. Basically continuing with the program. I have not had a VAC incident in 11 months or so.
I have not missed anytime with my son, i have been with him more time than a alotted which has been a blessing.
My W had called me and asked to reconcile right before Thanksgiving, but backed off about 3 weeks later and decided to file.
I am hurt but i dont blame her. I am aware and sorry about the damage i have done, adding to how her first husband abused her physically.
I feel bad for my SS as well, her mother suggested he be sent away to a military school. He had expressed a desire several times to her and I that he wanted us to attend family counseling and wanted to be a family again.
I will not assume why she sent him away, as he is not my bio son, but i do feel his pain.
One thing I am sure of, this behaviour will stop with me. My son will not be exposed from me.
As you know, sometimes the victim learns that behaviour and continues with it. She lashes out at me in anger alot, and i understand why, but it does not trigger me any longer. My relationships at work, and church, etc have grown by leaps and bounds. My employees feel safe around me now and they affirm that with me all the time.
It does hurt that my wife doesnt trust me in that way any longer, but i do understand why.
I just wanted to check in with you. It sounds like you are doing Ok, i am sorry that your H has not decided to take that first step.

Blessings