When a good talk just fizzles...

I have a relationship related question... This is a scenario that pops up every now and then and I'm always confused on what to do.

H and me are having a good conversation and suddenly there's a small misunderstanding. Sometimes it will get cleared up and we move on. But sometimes it just makes the bubble burst completely, especially when we're talking about some things that make H vulnerable. I explain that I didn't mean what he thought I did but the moment is sort of gone.

To explain better: today I tried to understand how he felt about a certain thing and he said something that confused me. I said "To me it feels like you ...... Is that is or am I understanding it wrong?" and he told me not to put words in his mouth. I explained that I didn't mean to and just wanted to understand, but it didn't convince him. I asked if I could ask him something and he said that this conversation was over. Then I said something on a different topic but he dismissed me.

In that moment I want to either explain my position over and over until he sees that my intentions were good or just start a different conversation to clear the bad aftertaste. But the first one clearly won't work and the second one is not really happening either. So I just drop the conversation altogether, but it leaves me unsettled.

Is it normal that sometimes moments like that just will happen and it's best to leave them to blow over? Am I trying to be too controlling of it? Is it me being a pleaser and trying to smooth things over? Or are dead ends like this bad and should be fixed?

I get your intent the delivery needs tweaking.

Most people don't like to hear mind-reading:

Quote:

"To me it feels like you ......

"I don't think I understand, tell me another way."

"What I hear you saying is..."

"Tell it to me like I am a 3rd grader."

Use "I" statements not "you" statements.

Quote:

I asked if I could ask him something and he said that this conversation was over. Then I said something on a different topic but he dismissed me.

OK, that is his problem, he's passive-aggressive.

"When you dismiss me like that I feel _______________. In the future I would appreciate it if we could continue having a dialouge. This is hurting our relationship."

Let him know what behavior is unacceptable to you ("I").

Ris, I find myself in this situation occasionally as well. I will try to paraphrase something she just said: "so, just want to make sure I understand. Are you saying x or did you mean y?" Then she will accuse me of trying to analyze her.

I am not sure what to do in these situations either. I usually just let it go and try again another day.

I think your husband is just putting his defenses up because the topic is getting uncomfortable. I don't know . . . I am certainly not an expert. Just trying to find my way like everyone else here.

Quote:

Then she will accuse me of trying to analyze her.

mind-reading

"I am not trying to analyze you, I said I was trying to understand. I meant what I said."

Originally Posted By: Coach

"When you dismiss me like that I feel _______________. In the future I would appreciate it if we could continue having a dialouge. This is hurting our relationship."

Let him know what behavior is unacceptable to you ("I").

Oooohhhh... this is verrry good. Thanks Coach, I'm putting that one in my diary. And thanks to you too, ris for asking such great questions! It helps us all!

I have this issue with H also. The other day when he was on a rant I said 'I understand your perspective' even though I completely disagreed. That wasn't good enough for him and he escalated a bit so I said 'I'm not going to allow you to yell at me' and walked away. This patter continued for a couple of days.

When he's calm I have better success with the "boundary" language. The hard part for me is something might trigger a rant that seems completely innocuous. I've learned to shut up and let the mood pass because trying to explain what I meant or clarify only gets more ranting.

Quote:

That wasn't good enough for him and he escalated a bit so I said 'I'm not going to allow you to yell at me' and walked away. This patter continued for a couple of days.

"why do you think you need to yell at me for me to hear you? If you are frustrated about something then tell me?"

If he talks don't get defensive, he doesn't feel like you hear him. The yelling is his way of trying to control things.

Quote:

"why do you think you need to yell at me for me to hear you? If you are frustrated about something then tell me?"

If he talks don't get defensive, he doesn't feel like you hear him. The yelling is his way of trying to control things.

Okay, I'll try to remember that. My mechanism for when I'm feeilng threatened is to flee. I'll try to address the situation instead. I've just found times where I simply cannot get through to him and it's better to let him cool down. In early years, he knocked things over, did silent treatment for weeks, name called, screamed. That is all mostly gone. In some respects we've made great strides in communicating with each other, in other respects we still have a ways to go.

Check this out:

http://compassionpower.com/index.php

Interesting. Thanks -

It actually embarasses me to read your advice Coach. My W had tried that same approach before WA. I didn't listen, I didn't see. I understand it now, boy do I ever.

Hopefully I am presented with the option to LISTEN again, one day.

Most folks that have Passive Agressive behaviour, don't even realize it - until it impacts their lives..or its too late. It is nothing to be ashamed of, as long as you can admit it and learn how to deal with it...improve it. There are usually some underlying causes for it...some IC and research will help.

I should know

Thank you so much!

Originally Posted By: Coach

I get your intent the delivery needs tweaking.

Most people don't like to hear mind-reading:

Quote:

"To me it feels like you ......

"I don't think I understand, tell me another way."

"What I hear you saying is..."

"Tell it to me like I am a 3rd grader."

Use "I" statements not "you" statements.

Sometimes when the conversation is very emotional he gets flustered when I don't get what he means straight away. I try to gently tell him that I'm not inside his head and I need him to explain so that I understand, but it doesn't usually work very well.
Also, quite often if I ask him an open question he will just say "I don't know". This is why I try to sort of feed in possible answers so that he can choose one and explain on it instead of just saying IDK.

Originally Posted By: Coach

Quote:

I asked if I could ask him something and he said that this conversation was over. Then I said something on a different topic but he dismissed me.

OK, that is his problem, he's passive-aggressive.

"When you dismiss me like that I feel _______________. In the future I would appreciate it if we could continue having a dialouge. This is hurting our relationship."

Let him know what behavior is unacceptable to you ("I").

I don't know if it makes a difference, but he dismissed my attempts to start conversation about something else. In other words he didn't want to continue talking to me anymore in that moment. Is that something that I can say is unacceptable to me? Wouldn't it be forcing him to keep on talking despite the fact he doesn't want to?

Quote:

Is that something that I can say is unacceptable to me?

Do you like being treated that way?

Quote:

Wouldn't it be forcing him to keep on talking despite the fact he doesn't want to?

He's a big boy let him decide what he wants to do.

I would much prefer if it didn't happen, but I'm trying to be realistic and look at it if the roles were inversed: if he said something that unsettled/upset me I could possibly want to drop the subject and take a break in talking altogether until I get over that feeling.

Is that a wrong way to look at it?

Quote:

if he said something that unsettled/upset me I could possibly want to drop the subject and take a break in talking altogether until I get over that feeling.

Is that a wrong way to look at it?

Only if your life never has any unsettling/upsetting topics.

I get it. It's avoiding and we're both really good at it.

Originally Posted By: ris

I get it. It's avoiding and we're both really good at it.

I don't want to talk about it.

You mean "I don't know"

NO, that's not what I mean. Don't put words in my mouth. This conversation is over.

So now is my turn to try my new line "When you dismiss me like this, I feel like we're just sweeping things under the rug. I would like to continue talking to you about it."

I didn't know you felt that way. What's on your mind?

But what if his reply is "I don't have anything else to say" or "I don't know what else to say" ? We were talking about how he feels about something so I don't feel right drilling into it and picking him apart when he's not willing?

Quote:

But what if his reply is "I don't have anything else to say" or "I don't know what else to say" ?

he's afraid that if you saw he real him you wouldn't like him. Men don't like expressing their fears or doubts, we are afraid our women will view that as weakness.

"I love you. I want to know what you think, it makes me feel close to you. I don't want you to filter what you say to me, I can handle anything. What I don't like is to get surprised by something after it has been on your mind for a while. Do you understand why that would be unsettling to me?"

This actually really hits the spot, I think insecurity plays a big part here. Even when we talked today, in relation to the topic, he mentioned that he only feels loved when he knows he did something good and deserves it.

Quote:

he mentioned that he only feels loved when he knows he did something good and deserves it.

This is his issue but you can model healthy behavior for him.

Talk about how you are taking care of yourself.

He's a dog - good boy Mr Ris, you are such a good boy. seriously show him you notice him. Praise him especially when he works with his hands.

Have a goal meeting for the family - action is the cure for the blahs

Ask him why do you feel that way?

Get the book "Learned Optimism" and leave it out.

I try to do most of these things. He doesn't take compliments well (doesn't believe them?) but I still do it, though sometimes it puts me off because he seems to be almost uncomfortable when praised. But I try to show him why I think he did this or that well and be specific and that works quite well. I think I need to focus on doing it more. (One HUGE problem is his work, the very environment is "no praise ever" only negativity)

He's sort of aware of his problem, as one of his goals some time ago he chose to "make himself feel better about himself" but then he scratched it cause he didn't know how to do it.

I am planning to get that book, but we don't live together right now. On different continents actually - he's supposed to be working on getting me there but the problems with that are what brought me to this board. So yes, once I move there I am planning to do just that, but right now my only option would be to send it to him which would be pushy I think.

Originally Posted By: Coach

Quote:

That wasn't good enough for him and he escalated a bit so I said 'I'm not going to allow you to yell at me' and walked away. This patter continued for a couple of days.

"why do you think you need to yell at me for me to hear you? If you are frustrated about something then tell me?"

If he talks don't get defensive, he doesn't feel like you hear him. The yelling is his way of trying to control things.

Thanks. I have this problem sometimes too. Things will escalate and end with H yelling. I usually don't know what to do when he starts yelling except to just walk away (or well, end the conversation since we don't actually see each other).

Walking away when someone is yelling at you is a perfectly fine boundary.

Originally Posted By: pinhead

Walking away when someone is yelling at you is a perfectly fine boundary.

Thanks PH, I should've been more clear. I know walking away or ending the conversation is a good boundary but I never know what to say or if I should say anything. Often I just end up with "ok, well I've got to go, bye". I get nervous when I'm getting yelled at and my auto mode is to just get out as quickly as possible, so I end up ending the conversation without explanation really. If I try and defuse it by saying "ok, I don't like being yelled at/why are you yelling just talk to me" then he only gets more upset.

Try this when he's calm...

"When you start yelling me when we're talking, it makes me feel like you don't care what I think. I want to understand what you're saying and feeling, and to do so, you need to speak to me without yelling. Otherwise I won't listen to what you say."

Then the next time he starts to yell, just walk. You need to keep enforcing the boundary until he learns to act like a grown up.

Thanks PH! I will try that next we talk.