Posted By: Ready2Change Ready2Change (10) 2 years later - 08/22/10 08:25 PM

Recap of my sitch:

I lived with MsR2C for 17 years (married 11). We both are professionals and make a good living. We have S11,S9,D8.

Feb 14 --> Realized my M was not in good shape.
Feb 18 --> I told wife "We need to talk". I listed out the following:
I want to do what is best for our M.
I want to do what is best for our kids.
I want to listen (really listen) to W.
I want more effective and frequent communication.
I don't want to get mad or angry.
I want to spend more one on one time with W.
I want to do more family activities.
I want to spend more one on one time with each of our kids.
I want to let W have the freedom to do what she wants.
I want W to let me have the freedom to do what I want.

Feb 18 --> I got the bomb (I don't want to be married to you any more, I don't want to slowly die inside, I want to find my soul mate )

I started DBing right away (Before I found/read book). Lots of 180's. I stayed out of W bubble and got into kids bubble. Cleaned up my looks. Started doing housework while W not around.

March 4: Read DR. (Wow those two weeks felt like months) Time was in slow motion.
March 4: This was the lowest point in R. No eye contact from W and only 1 Hi. She did not look good. She went to bed early and without saying goodnight to kids.

April 3: I find out W sells stock to retain lawyer. I felt I convinced her there was better options than litigation including DIY and mediation.
April 4: First telephone coaching session
April 17: W and I attend all day session with Michele Weiner-Davis
April 29: I visit lawyer to find out my rights. My state is Joint custody in 85% of cases and it is an equal equity state. Most of my fear goes away.
May 3 : I find out W has retained lawyer. Wants me to go sign papers at her lawyers on the 5th.
May 4th : Notify W I have lawyer and her lawyer needs to call mine.
June 1rst: Wife and I talk for first time in a while.
July 1: Wife and I agree to "nesting". I have house and kids SMT W has kids and house WTF and we alternate S. 50/50 split.
Almost all communication is now by EMAIL. A few phone calls.
July 28th : Temp Orders -Parenting plans stays as is.
August 1-2 : I move out to rental 1/2 block from school.
Oct 1 : CFI (Child and Family Investigator)

Jan 6 : Final Mediation - Separation Agreement - Marriage is irretrievably broken - Joint (50/50) Custody

August 21 : MsR2C brings male "friend" from out of town to kids sporting events. She met him while we were married. First time that she looks really happy.

I did not snoop or look for OM. At the time, felt this was the best advise. It protected me emotionally, but...time and reading Puppy Dog Tails advise has changed my mind on this.....was a third person involved is a lingering question....

I will continue to move on with my life. I will live in PRESENT, will not regret the past or fear the future. I will continue to enjoy every day as if it were my last, and continue to do my best with the knowledge I have. I will not take anything personally, I will not make assumptions, I will be impeccable with my word, I will do the right thing , I will do what works , I will sow what I want to reap, I am committed to personal growth and I will seek wise counsel.

I do this for me and my three beautiful children.

Special thanks to SmartCookie and GYPSY for all your wonderful support during this most difficult time. You are both truly wonderful friends and I can not thank you enough. I also want to thank Puppy Dog Tails and Coach for all the support you offer us all.

My thoughts and prayers go out to all those who I have had a pleasure to meet through this website. Thanks for your support. I wish you all well. *HUGS*

Thread 1 --> Ready2Change (1) looking for guidance!
Thread 2 --> Ready2Change (2) Detached
Thread 3 --> Ready2Change (3) Papers filed
Thread 4 --> Ready2Change (4) Drop the Rope
Thread 5 --> Ready2Change (5) No trust
Thread 6 --> Ready2Change (6) Temp Orders
Thread 7 --> Ready2Change (7) Two Lives
Thread 8 --> Ready2Change (8) CFI
Thread 9 --> Ready2Change (9) Divorce Papers Signed
Thread 10 --> Ready2Change (10) 2 years later

Posted By: Ready2Change Re: Ready2Change (10) 2 years later - 08/22/10 08:26 PM

Words I found helpful to understand:

Disillusionment, Sanctification, Attitude, Awareness, Adaptation, Strength, Confidence, Patience, Perseverance, Forgiveness, Listening, Understanding, Honor, Boundaries, Validation, Empathy, Compassion, Seduction, Balance, Faith, Hope, Kindness, Respect, Flirting, Humor

Helpful mantras:

"One more day to be myself", "Remember, It all starts with me", "They will be done", "A man reaps what he sows"

The Bible:

matthew 7-3
Mark 10
corinthians 7-11

Here are links to books I have read and found helpful. I highly recommend first reading the ones listed first, then moving down the list.

Best Response to the threat of Divorce: The Divorce Remedy by Michele Weiner Davis

Detaching for Effective DBing: The Four Agreements Toltec Wisdom Collection: 3-Book Boxed Set by don Miguel Ruiz

Great Effective Concepts to use with WAS: Parenting With Love And Logic by Foster Cline

Forgiveness: Radical Forgiveness, Making Room for the Miracle, 2nd Edition by Colin C. Tipping

Re-balance Responsibilities: Boundaries by Henry Cloud

MEN: become attractive: Hold on to Your NUTs: The Relationship Manual for Men by Wayne M. Levine
MEN: learn to pleasure a woman: She Comes First by Ian Kerner
MEN:learn ways to attract: Rules of the Game by Neil Strauss

WOMEN:become assertive, its attractive to men: Why Men Marry Bitches by Sherry Argov

Parents:understand how to protect your kids: Divorce Poison by Dr. Richard A. Warshak

Counter-intuitive ways to attract: The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene
Awareness of attraction: Teach Yourself Flirting ( Book + Audio CD) by van Rood Sam

Get yourself happy: Living a Beautiful Life by Alexandra Stoddard

Improve your Mind reading: The Definitive Book of Body Language by Allan Pease

Be funny: Comedy Writing Secrets 2nd Edition by Mel Helitzer

Learn to effectively channel emotions: Anger by Defoore

Control Fear and panic: 98.6 Degrees by Cody Lundin

Create your own life: The Secret by Byrne

Build your friend base: Always Talk to Strangers by David Wygant

Make it about others: The Power of Kindness by Piero Ferrucci

Deep Personal growth: Keeping The Love You Find: A Guide for Singles by Ph.D. Harville Hendrix

Ways to be loving: The Love Dare by Stephen Kendrick

Understand love differently: The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman

Learn to give what other needs: His Needs, Her Needs: Building an Affair-Proof Marriage by Willard F. Harley Jr.

MEN:become attractive: The New Male Sexuality, Revised Edition by Bernie Zilbergeld

Understand Affairs: Not "Just Friends": Rebuilding...hirley P. Glass

Improve relationships: Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus:...ex by John Gray

Improve marriage: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman

Compassion: Love Without Hurt by Steven Stosny

Inspiration: One: How Many People Does It Take to Make a Difference? by Dan Zadra

Interesting concept: Instant Rapport by Brooks

Make room for a partner: The Soulmate Secret by Arielle Ford

Enjoy others: The Fine Art of Small Talk by Debra Fine

Deal with old issues: Toxic Parents by Craig Buck

Eliminate bad interactions: Codependent No More by Melody Beattie

MEN:Become attractive: No More Mr. Nice Guy! by Robert A. Glover

Get through the divorce: Surviving Divorce by Perrett


Boundaries with Kids by Henry Cloud
How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk by Mazlish
Siblings Without Rivalry by Mazlish
Mom's House, Dad's House for Kids by Isolina Ricci
"Does Wednesday Mean Mom's House or Dad's" by Marc J. Ackerman Ph.D.

Effective Communications:

The Elements of Style by Strunk

Purchased by not read:

Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert
Changing Your Course by Robert Blancardi
After I'm Gone by Susan Davies
The 48 Laws of Power by Robert Greene
1001 Questions to Ask Before You Get Married by Monica Leahy
Faking It by Writers of Collegehumor.com
Real Love in Marriage by Greg Baer
The Ten Golden Rules by M. A. Soupios

Sounds interesting, may purchase:

Beyond the Masquerade by Julianna Slattery
Posted By: sandi2 Re: Ready2Change (10) 2 years later - 08/22/10 08:58 PM
And thank "you", Ready, for the countless hours you've dedicated to the Board. There is no way one could measure how many people you've helped.

Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive Re: Ready2Change (10) 2 years later - 08/22/10 09:23 PM
Hey r2c, thanks for the update and wonderful information.

These boards have beeen such a crutch for me over the past year.
Posted By: MM78 Re: Ready2Change (10) 2 years later - 08/23/10 12:44 AM
Thank you, thank you, thank you! I was wondering if there was a post with other recommended reading that had helped people. And I'm happy to see that I own several of those titles already!

I also appreciate the quote threads you maintain. I check them every time they bump up. One day I'll know I'm 'getting it' when something I wrote lands up there smile
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: Ready2Change (10) 2 years later - 08/24/10 07:43 PM
Sandi, gr8 and MM78....You are welcome. smile

My Mantra: "pass out what you want to receive"

Supporting others supports me!
Posted By: tom_l Re: Ready2Change (10) 2 years later - 09/18/20 10:20 PM
Originally Posted by Ready2Change
I started DBing right away. Lots of 180's.

R2C, can you help me here? What do you think are the best and most insightful 180s are that you did? Which were the hardest? Which ones were you doing right away? Because somehow it seems the very definition of 180 means that it takes time, and whatever change you're doing can't be done in a weekend.
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