So many of us here seem to be struggling with how to "read the script" that I thought Goodman's idea of starting a new thread sounded good. I'm not exactly sure where to start, but this is where my sitch started:
So W blows-up on me one day and says,
"I haven't been happy for 10 years. I love you, but I am not in love with you. I don't feel the way I should about my H. I don't want to be intimate with you and and I don't know if I ever will again. You didn't do enough around the house. You didn't take enough interest in the kids. You used me/took me for granted for 20 years."
So I respond in exactly the wrong way by completely overpursuing her and trying to fix EVERYTHING. Then she says,
"Now you are smothering me. The only thing I can think of is that I need time and space and I HOPE that my feeling will change in a few months. I want them to, but I can't help what I feel".
What's next?
"Now you are smothering me. The only thing I can think of is that I need time and space and I HOPE that my feeling will change in a few months. I want them to, but I can't help what I feel".
What's next?
Go sentence by sentence, she is telling you exactly what she wants - it is how she feels. A man wants to fix this by expaining her feelings to her and why she should just feel another way (invalidating).
So how does a man change how his woman feels?
Answer- Give her what she wants. Agree with her.
Stop smothering her, give her space and time, her feelings are her feelings - let her know you understand it's OK she feels that way. She wants the "feeling" back - she wants to be attracted to you.
I'm thinking about Puppy's post for newbies and the course of action the LBS should take.
So many of us here seem to be struggling with how to "read the script" that I thought Goodman's idea of starting a new thread sounded good. I'm not exactly sure where to start, but this is where my sitch started:
So W blows-up on me one day and says,
"I haven't been happy for 10 years. I love you, but I am not in love with you. I don't feel the way I should about my H. I don't want to be intimate with you and and I don't know if I ever will again. You didn't do enough around the house. You didn't take enough interest in the kids. You used me/took me for granted for 20 years."
So I respond in exactly the wrong way by completely overpursuing her and trying to fix EVERYTHING. Then she says,
"Now you are smothering me. The only thing I can think of is that I need time and space and I HOPE that my feeling will change in a few months. I want them to, but I can't help what I feel".
What's next?
God, just reading that was like the most vivid and painful flashback. Almost word for word of my Bomb...
Dan-O is the MAN!
What's next for me is the littany of things I did wrong. followed closely by "I haven't been happy for a LONG time" 10 years in my case. Even though I have reams of cards, lettters, e-mails and memories that seem to indicate love and happiness.
As far as I can tell, that is common and part of the script. I'm new enough than I'm not sure why it happens, but my suspicion is that they have to revise history because the facts cause a break in reality that they can't reconcile in whatever's left of their logical mind. I think in this case every vile aspersion they cast on you is intended to convince THEMSELVES that you are the cause of their misery. Whether they actually believe it or not is a grey area for me. I'm just not sure. If so, I'm truly terrified that thier minds have totally dissociated from reality.
Or, they need to build a case to lay out for other people in their lives who know both of us or at least have always believed they were very happily married. In this case their "case" has to be eggregious enough to convince their circle that they are not totally whacked out.
I can't fathom another reason for it. Regardless of the reason, expect much of the facts of your shared experience to be totally obliterated and/or perverted. Except, that is, for the negative ones. Those will be blown up to titanic proportions and will be recounted so forcefully that you will learn to know them by heart. You will be the bastard that drove her to this. Count on it. Others will think it's lucky for you that you didn't wake up to the burning bed.
The hardest part for you will be that the ONLY solution is not a solution as you know it. If somebody on the outside did this to you, you'd try and get to the bottom of it with them. That won't help you here. Or you'd sue them for defamation. You'd have all the evidence to crush them in court. Again, no help. The only court that matters in this case, doesn't care a wit about this. Or as a last resort, you might just deck the rotten SOB. Hopefully, I don't have to tell you how bad a descision that would be in your case.
So you're left with no recourse to any of it. No normal recourse that is. The only way out is to walk a tightrope over the flames. You have to validate her goofy feelings and empathize with her, because they are her feelings and you can't change them. All the while, you MUST get some relief from this. The only way to do that is to take care of the ONLY thing you have any control over. YOU.
This isn't a thread about how to do that, but it's all over this site. Basically, you know what's what. Don't accept her premise, but accept that it IS hers. Don't fight it. Don't fight her. Don't even try to keep her. You will fail on all counts. Accept that she's gone. If not in body then in spirit. Live like you would without her, because you may end up that way. You can't keep her, but you might attract her back. but only by being the dude (or chick) that you were when she met and fell in love with you.
Oh, one more thing. Be prepared to fail. You will fail over and over again until you get this down to a science and then: guess what? You will still make small mistakes and huge blunders. It's part of the game. Somebody quoted on the corresponding "LBS Script" thread that "the best generals are the ones that made the fewest mistakes". That should be your goal. Make the fewest mistakes possible.
When you do bone something, don't get down on yourself. Mistakes are valuable. Not much to learn from success. Failure on the other hand, well, failure is the most effective teacher there is. And the strictest. Learn from your mistakes and from other's mistakes. READ,READ,READ as many posts as possible. Not many of them won't teach you something valuable.
Cheers.
God, just reading that was like the most vivid and painful flashback. Almost word for word of my Bomb...
Ditto.
So many of us here seem to be struggling with how to "read the script" that I thought Goodman's idea of starting a new thread sounded good. I'm not exactly sure where to start, but this is where my sitch started:
So W blows-up on me one day and says,
"I haven't been happy for 10 years. I love you, but I am not in love with you. I don't feel the way I should about my H. I don't want to be intimate with you and and I don't know if I ever will again. You didn't do enough around the house. You didn't take enough interest in the kids. You used me/took me for granted for 20 years."
So I respond in exactly the wrong way by completely overpursuing her and trying to fix EVERYTHING. Then she says,
"Now you are smothering me. The only thing I can think of is that I need time and space and I HOPE that my feeling will change in a few months. I want them to, but I can't help what I feel".
What's next?
God, just reading that was like the most vivid and painful flashback. Almost word for word of my Bomb...
I got the "I haven't been happy in 10 years" too - coulda fooled me! My former husband was more than polite but not saying ILYBNILWY but he said, "I'll always love you." ha! do me favors why don't you?
Hang in there and listen to the boys.
Luv
As far as I can tell, that is common and part of the script. I'm new enough than I'm not sure why it happens, but my suspicion is that they have to revise history because the facts cause a break in reality that they can't reconcile in whatever's left of their logical mind. I think in this case every vile aspersion they cast on you is intended to convince THEMSELVES that you are the cause of their misery. Whether they actually believe it or not is a grey area for me. I'm just not sure. If so, I'm truly terrified that thier minds have totally dissociated from reality.
Or, they need to build a case to lay out for other people in their lives who know both of us or at least have always believed they were very happily married. In this case their "case" has to be eggregious enough to convince their circle that they are not totally whacked out.
I can't fathom another reason for it.
A_goodman is right. But let me add a few things for you:
1) you don't want to fathom those reasons, do you? That would be insane I should think.
2) The sooner you get your self-esteem back the better. That is not to be discounted. Much of the "work on thyself" stuff is really to that end.
3) Don't discount that you may need to improve things for you. But very much - do them for you. Not for the spouse that is leaving.
4) Decide right now if you want your spouse back. If they don't love you and are not able or capable of loving you - do you want to be with them? Or are you just used to it? Figure that out quickly.
Understand that the dynamics are tumultuous. The dance so to speak. As the WAS pushes away, you pursue. That's human nature. That's normal. That's deadly unless you want to push them away.
The sooner you pull away and leave them to be in their own world, come what may, the better. Don't just change you, change the dynamic. Change you first and while you change the dynamic, but let go. Don't think that you are letting them down. Don't think that there is something else going on. Don't think that you are powerless or out of control. Don't think you are worthless. You are in control. You are still sane, although it may not feel like that at times. You are the one that will make or break the opportunity to reconnect, but it won't be right now. Move (emotionally) away as quickly as you can. Seems counterintuitive, but really, your choices are limited.
If you do not - you are going to be on that ride until you both implode and you are left to pick up the pieces.
The revisiting and repainting the past? Don't they have to do that? So you can be blamed? 'Cause it cannot be their fault, can it? (that's a nugget
Good luck on your journey. Don't check in on the WAS but rather wait for them to come to you. They eventually do after some time and after feeling like you aren't there for them . And do not agree with lies. Validate but don't agree that it is truth. It is NOT!
AJ
My bomb started with "we will always be connected but I feel so alone and if I'm going to feel alone then I will be alone, I filed for divorce today im over I'm done I will be strong and not let you talk me out of this.
Good stuff AJ.
I thought of some other little rays of sunshine she laid on me:
"You have always been controlling. I feel totally under your thumb,and always have. You have tried to control my life all these years and I have to escape you to save my self" (granted, this is a relative of "you're smothering me.", but I see a basic distinction)
That was a favorite of mine. If you've read my thread, you know that I was guilty of being the doormat for all our R. She still accuses me of trying to control her, but now it's hogwash for different reasons. Now I'm strong (not always conveyed the right way, but strong none the less), but my strength has nothing to do with controlling her. I know and accept that it is impossible, even if I wanted to. She thinks my boundaries are designed to control her. I told her they are not about her in any way. She may act any way she feels, but she does not have a right to be with me. It is a priveledge and the cost of that priveledge is respecting my boundaries.
Another fav:
"The kids will be fine. They are well adjusted and will stay that way." and it's corrillary: "It's better for the kids to have two happy parents and see that example than to have parents locked in a miserable marriage."
This from someone who used to agree with all of the supposed extreme views of Dr. Laura, and who made us pledge to each other that we would NEVER divorce. (Maybe that should have clued me in to her view of the absoluteness of our original vows). And further, we pledged that if something happened to one of us, we would not bring another man/women into our lives until both boys were grown and on their own. My how things have changed!
Sometimes, the revision will go so far as to include fantasies about you hurting them. 20 years of proven behavior tend to pale in comparison to the new found fear of you. It makes sense that since eveything they believed and felt has so quickly and easilly been corrupted that they might expect the same from you.
Anybody see a pattern here?
DING DING DING! Yep. She ain't the same girl you brung to the dance so to speak.
So the thing that dooms us is either trying to figure it out, or applying all the things that you KNOW she will respond to. Only, you'll never figure it out, and she's not the same person, so all that stuff blows up in your face.
Keep reading. Start with AJ's post above. You HAVE to pull out and work on yourself. It's all you can understand or control.
This is asymetrical warfare. All the tactical things you learned in the history of your R will get you killed now. Learn to use what the field gives you.
Adapt, Overcome, Improvise.
Adapt, Overcome, Improvise.
LOVED that scene!!!
Adapt, Overcome, Improvise
"You have always been controlling. I feel totally under your thumb,and always have. You have tried to control my life all these years and I have to escape you to save my self"
"The kids will be fine.
I got these too AG. I never tried to control her in my life.
It's been over 2 weeks, but I am melting down again right now. I thought I was over this, but I guess not.
Going out with a buddy tonight though, so I have to buck up pretty soon.
Puppy,
I knew we were two of a kind.
"the certifiable". A classic. Guess it's good they didn't do "Jodie's got your girl".
Dan,
You are strong! Blaze a trail into battle for others to follow!
Have fun tonight.
What about the WAS who tells you YOU haven't been happy?
Yes, I wasn't happy because he cheated. We went through several rocky months, but right before he dropped the bomb we things were really good between us and I thought things were picking up.
What about the WAS who tells you YOU haven't been happy?
Yes, I wasn't happy because he cheated. We went through several rocky months, but right before he dropped the bomb we things were really good between us and I thought things were picking up.
That's what people thought about us too. It is the calm before the storm.
Dan,
You are strong! Blaze a trail into battle for others to follow!
Have fun tonight.
AG, you are my buddy and a little more eloquent.
Sometimes I DO feel like the meathead who just charges headlong into the unknown. I hope my trailblazing doesn't lead me into the abyss.
I will have a good night. There is nothing else to do but!
Dan,
As much as I'd like to claim that one, it's all Gunny Highway. From the same scene pup posted. It's one of my top three movies and can quote lines all day long. Funny, you'd think more lessons would have sunk in.
Asher, I heard a variation of the same thing. She told me I was unhappy and had no life or interests even though I coach multiple sports, lead the Cub Scout Pack and am the king of social situations. She's always been adverse to parties and social events so much so that it was uncomfortable to attend them. She said that I might be depressed and she couldn't afford for it to take her down too. Projection anyone?
Yes, I admit that I WAS unhappy. My life was unraveling in front of me and I couldn't locate the pod. All I had was the alien. So, yes unhappy would be an apt description of my feelings at the time.
This is a good thread. Thnx Dan
I get chills reading these quotes. It's as if you've lived the same life and been in the same movie...
In the end, nothing kills romance like acquiesence to their whims and nonsensical crap. They rewrite history to make themselves feel better.
One of my favorites (on top of the ones posted - cause I heard them as well) is the "we'll always be friends" and who could forget "you need to divorce me" or the ever popular "you could do better than me". Yep, oldie but goodies.
Believe me, the one thing you can and should do, is set those boundaries. Demand and get the respect you deserve. For me, that meant first stabilizing the home life for myself and then my kids (place the oxygen mask over your own mouth and then those of the children or infirm next to you). Then it meant extreme patience while I waited. Why wait? Because I never left my home nor my bedroom. I was a doormat, but I knew better than that and still do.
During it all, I never played along. The one time I validated, it became her reason for leaving. Screw that. Doesn't work. A better word for "validation" would be to empathize with your WAS. Validate is too clinical and is not interpreted very well in my opinion.
Grow a pair and set that boundary. Regain your self respect and your self esteem before you do ANYTHING else. That's the start. Forget about her and let her do her. Let her figure her out. You won't be able to. She hasn't. You'll hear all kinds of stories, excuses, blame, etc. Projection? Yep, get some popcorn. You'll see lots of it. It'll confuse you and make you think things are changing. They won't. Rather you are likely seeing the confusion your spouse has. Even my MC mentioned how confusing the explanations were from WAS. Is what it is. Until you can regain your self-esteem though, you are done before you start.
Believe me, I wish it wasn't so. It's painful. It's heartwrenching. It's incredibly painful and may be the end of your marriage - at least as you know it. But that doesn't mean it's the end of you. It doesn't mean it is the end of your marriage to your WAS. If you choose so later. Can't be explained. That won't happen. She'll try to explain in some lame way, but will change her mind later and act as if she never said those things. Neat huh?
So the question is this: Now that you know what is going to be said, done, and then re-done - what are you going to do about you? How are you going to rebuild your self-esteem? Then, how are you going to interact with WAS? How are you going to get your respect back? What happens if she refuses to give you that respect? What's your deal breaker?
What I'm getting at is the blueprint for how to get past this and either save your marriage or choose to let it go. But first you have to let it go. Counterintuitive, but it is how it works. I've seen it on these boards countless times now.
For my money, I'd have kicked her out a year ago, except that I had to stay all in to find out the end of the story. I didn't start it. I didn't ask for it. But I will be respected and I will end it if that's what it takes. Oh, I realize I also didn't end it because she wanted me to end it. I won't be told what to do either - I am NOT A PET ROCK.
You shouldn't be either.
Before it's too late, answer those questions. Please. While it seems counterintuitive, it is the right thing to do. Nobody likes a smothering, crying, begging, hanger-on in a loving way. Nobody.
AJ
Ok. i'm ready to let it go and move on with my life. We just split-up our stuff. have mediation on Monday and I am moving next saturday. Last R words from her were "I know this is what I have to do. I just want to be happy and I know I will never regret this."
She has been nice all along, still doing my laundry even.
What is her next move(s) once I leave? What should I be expecting and need to prepare for?
What is her next move(s) once I leave? What should I be expecting and need to prepare for?
Rebound boyfriend.
Really? If she does that, I don't think I will want her back at all.
Good luck to her.
but its ok for you to flirt with blond bartenders and think about taking them to a concert?
SM, u r the man.
it's like my h says, it's only cheating if he has intercourse,uh, so after that i got on an online dating service, i'll live by his rules...
i know he will never get better then me, he will have rebound gf's and one night stands, but i'm better then that.
but its ok for you to flirt with blond bartenders and think about taking them to a concert?
She's already had one boyfriend. She is the one who has chosen to divorce me. I don't know what she is doing now when she goes out.
It is up to her if it is ok with her if I date and she wants to come back or not. All I am saying is that if she does start dating other people, I don't think I will want her back. We'll just have to wait and see how I feel IF that even happens I guess. If I date and she doesn't want me back because of it (right now she says she won't ever anyway), then so be it.
I'm not saying that I am right, I am saying that is how I feel. And we all know it's all about FEELINGS at this point, right?
Keep beating me back into place. I need it.
Thanks!
Feelings, nothing more than feelings,
trying to forget my feelings of love.
Teardrops rolling down on my face,
trying to forget my feelings of love.
Feelings, for all my life I'll feel it.
I wish I've never met you, girl; you'll never come again.
Feelings, wo-o-o feelings,
After years of reading all of these short, sad, WAW stories, there is only one conclusion I arrive at:
Kick their @sses to the curb and leave them there. They want out? Throw them out. Now!
They patronize you by saying you deserve better? Find someone better immediately.
Who needs to wait around for a lying, cheating, betraying, character-assassinating POS WAS?
Now, that's the kind of validating I'm talking about. Go ahead and give them exactly what they say they want. And give it to them IMMEDIATELY! No namby-pamby wimp-@ss "waiting."
After all, they've been so "unhappy" for "so long."
that's what i'm doing exactly. he expects me to file, oh heck no, he has to take responsibilty for his desire for divorce. i briefly ran down it takes a considerable amount of time to get divorced between time allowed for filing responses, mediaiton, etc. etc.
he didn't like that, so i said well if we agree to everything then it goes aLOT faster, so let me know when you want to sit down fill out the paperwork together, all available online, he's like yeah that's what i want the quicker the better.
so lets do it, i know there are better men out there, if h wants to surround himself with his buddies, go out drinking, watch strippers, whatever, go for it. I know that i am a great woman and unbelievable mother, i'm a professional in my career, own my own house, a veteran of 2 wars, so and so forth. the type of woman which it won't be a woman it will be a girl in her 20's that he will "get" will not have anything going for her,.
he wants the divorce, i'm living my life as i am single! it iwll catch up to him and he may be put off by it or be like oh she's not waiting for me anymore. when he sees the man i bring in my life he will be totally and completely insecure.
my h is never gonna be anything more then a high school drop out, won't be a citizen of the united states, will work every single day of his life, with no home ownership, always a renter, no security of retirment, nothing.
DanF,
I don't know the right answers for you and what you should do. That is up to you. I understand your point-of-views on things, and I had feelings for someone, but I just have to wait until I am totally divorced to even consider anything more than just friends. It is good to have someone bring out "feelings" we have not been able to have met in our current sitches.
Good for you!
I am always reminded of the old saying that, "when a man (or woman) shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM!!"
That is excellent advice. They've shown you what they are capable of, so what on earth would make us think they wouldn't do it again?
Of course they would!
DanF: I completely get it. I got the same speech. "i'll never regret it" etc. Ok.
But it still is about your self-esteem, not about dating somebody else etc. Can you date somebody else later, look back, and think, "I did that for me and not to lash out at WAS?" That's the key really. You have to do for you and not BECAUSE of her. Otherwise, you haven't really released control and you haven't really done anything for yourself.
The rest of you? There is some anger and resentment there. Whew... You can't predict what will happen to somebody nor should you really want bad things for them, right? They will find what works for them. Should they find that you are what works for them, that's a shame - because you will be long gone by the time they figure it out.
DanF: figure out what works for you and not works because of her. Figure out what you want out of life and go get it.
Letting her drive the divorce train? I see that. Makes sense. "You want out? Great - I won't help you, but I won't stop you either. All you babe." 'Cause you can't make somebody love you. You cannot do anything to make them pick up their half of the relationship nor would you want to. If that's what you want, get a puppy or a robot.
AJ
AJ
DanF: I completely get it. I got the same speech. "i'll never regret it" etc. Ok.
But it still is about your self-esteem, not about dating somebody else etc. Can you date somebody else later, look back, and think, "I did that for me and not to lash out at WAS?" That's the key really. You have to do for you and not BECAUSE of her. Otherwise, you haven't really released control and you haven't really done anything for yourself.
The rest of you? There is some anger and resentment there. Whew... You can't predict what will happen to somebody nor should you really want bad things for them, right? They will find what works for them. Should they find that you are what works for them, that's a shame - because you will be long gone by the time they figure it out.
DanF: figure out what works for you and not works because of her. Figure out what you want out of life and go get it.
Letting her drive the divorce train? I see that. Makes sense. "You want out? Great - I won't help you, but I won't stop you either. All you babe." 'Cause you can't make somebody love you. You cannot do anything to make them pick up their half of the relationship nor would you want to. If that's what you want, get a puppy or a robot.
AJ
AJ
Thanks AJ. If I date it WILL be for me because of something that is missing in my life, not to spite her. I feel like this has been missing for many months now and it leaves me empty inside. I'm on dating sites just looking to see what is out there, and it makes me more hopeful, but I haven't acted on anything yet. Been too busy with everything else anyway. Now that I am living on my own and only have the kids occasionally, who knows what will happen.
Wish me luck!
Dude. I believe you. Plenty of socks in the drawer. no need to hurry. If you want to, walk around barefoot for a while. They're not going anywhere.
Hell, might be liberating not having a woman in your life for a while. I can definately see that.
Dude. I believe you. Plenty of socks in the drawer. no need to hurry. If you want to, walk around barefoot for a while. They're not going anywhere.
Hell, might be liberating not having a woman in your life for a while. I can definately see that.
Yeah, but it's gonna blow his cigar budget, really fast.
Puppy
Dude. I believe you. Plenty of socks in the drawer. no need to hurry. If you want to, walk around barefoot for a while. They're not going anywhere.
Hell, might be liberating not having a woman in your life for a while. I can definately see that.
Yeah, but it's gonna blow his cigar budget, really fast.
Puppy
Already blown..........
The cigar budget, that is.
Been smoking way too many. Need to find cheaper cigars.
I might not need a full-time woman in my life for a while, but I do need something.
Been smoking way too many. Need to find cheaper cigars.
I like these for good, "everyday" cigars:
http://www.cigarsinternational.com/prodDisp.asp?item=CS-Y5B&cat=3 They're like a poor-man's Rocky Patel 1990/92 box-pressed.
CI usually runs killer deals on various 5 Vegas Sampler packs, too, that are very affordable.
I've been staying within my budget, but it's also been ungodly HOT and HUMID here. Nighttime temps 9-11pm have been low 80s and near-100% humidity most of the summer. I have a feeling when the cooler temps finally get here in mid- and late-October, I'm gonna be smoking much more! (Which also blows my WINE budget . . . )
Puppy
Well, this is going to kill you then. Last wknd, my FIL gave me a Davidoff serie R. That was one smooooooooth smoke. I was with him at the time. or I would have dropped that in the Cigar thread...
Where is that thread anyway? I miss playing with MIL on there. She's pretty cool.
Cheers.
So I was talking with my DB coach and he mentioned that a WAS has phases. I asked him to elaborate, but he didn't. He did however, mention the testing phase. Does anyone out there know the WAS phases?
You know, for all my Cigar snobbery, I never developed a proper appreciation for the vino. Some of the best rated wines taste like turpentine and grape juice to me. I can hang with the scotch guys and the beer guys, but I'm lost in the wine dept.
Actually, a nice port is excellent with cigars. That's a kind of wine, so maybe I'm not a Philistine after-all
So I was talking with my DB coach and he mentioned that a WAS has phases. I asked him to elaborate, but he didn't. He did however, mention the testing phase. Does anyone out there know the WAS phases?
Mine is in the feeling sorry for myself / bitch phase.
Anybody know a good "wine of the month club" ?
G,
You can't say "Philistine" without its appropriate preface: "heartless."
Heartless Philistine.
It's one of those words that just HAS to go with other words, like "pangs" with "guilt" and "shards" with "glass," and "peals" with "childish laughter."
If I do the hard stuff, I'm more of a bourbon guy (Knob Creek, or Maker's Mark, or Woodford Reserve), altho I can TELL a good scotch from a cheap one -- I just don't like them. Beer bloats me, and red wine gives a nicer, mellower buzz, and it just goes with the cigar real well.
OK, now i'm gonna have to fire up a Rocky after my baseball practice tonite!!
Puppy
So I was talking with my DB coach and he mentioned that a WAS has phases. I asked him to elaborate, but he didn't. He did however, mention the testing phase. Does anyone out there know the WAS phases?
Mine is in the feeling sorry for myself / bitch phase.
Mine is in the I love you but I can't live with you so let's head down the road of D and if things change, which I have hope they will, we can get back together. But, let's spend all this money on L's now so we can make sure that if I want a D I only have to deal with all of this right now.
So I was talking with my DB coach and he mentioned that a WAS has phases. I asked him to elaborate, but he didn't. He did however, mention the testing phase. Does anyone out there know the WAS phases?
Sorry. Got off track there.
Not trying to be glib, HIH, but I think the "testing" phase starts about 10 microseconds after the bomb and lasts until you or she assumes room temperature. I think there is ALWAYS another test. If it's not a test on your patience, it's on your sanity. They will test your changes, count on it. they will test what you say and what you don't say.
Just think of it in terms of the life in general. There are always tests.
I can TELL a good scotch from a cheap one
I don't allow myself to drink anymore, but I do sometimes miss the taste and sting of a couple of fingers of Lagavulin, the deep, smokey, peaty flavor
OK Pup. You talked me into it. Even though our first game got rained out tonight. I'm going to make believe it hadn't and fire one up too. Think there's a nice H. Upman in my box at home that is calling out to me.
BTW, I like all those Bourbons. Scotch and I have an open relationship.
Dan-o, what was that phase again? Oh wait,never mind. I'm familiar with it
peace out!
I guess I'm going to smoke the last cigar in the box tonight too. Hopefully my order from CI comes soon. Spent a bunch of money I didn't have to get them. Maybe that will make them taste even better!
I guess I'm going to drink some Jack too while I watch the football game. First night on my own in a while, so might as well make good use of it!
I'm going to drink some Jack too w
Make mine an unsweetened iced tea. Not the long island variety
I love long islands. W and I used to make GREAT ones at home. Now there's another good idea. Unfortunately, I can't afford all the different bottles at the moment. Will have to stick with my buddy jack daniels.
BTW, I like all those Bourbons. Scotch and I have an open relationship.
LMAO . . . that's classic!!!
Seriousy Puppy,
Since you have the cash, try the Lagavulin.
"Now you are smothering me. The only thing I can think of is that I need time and space and I HOPE that my feeling will change in a few months. I want them to, but I can't help what I feel".
What's next?
Go sentence by sentence, she is telling you exactly what she wants - it is how she feels. A man wants to fix this by expaining her feelings to her and why she should just feel another way (invalidating).
So how does a man change how his woman feels?
Answer- Give her what she wants. Agree with her.
Stop smothering her, give her space and time, her feelings are her feelings - let her know you understand it's OK she feels that way. She wants the "feeling" back - she wants to be attracted to you.
She wanted space, so now that I am out of the house for a week and a half, she should be getting it. Hope it makes her happy!
Seriousy Puppy,
Since you have the cash, try the Lagavulin.
Lagavulin is dynamite. As are Oban, Laphroaig & Johnny Blue. (I'm a Scotch gal myself)