To Tell or Not to Tell - DivorceBusting.com

Would/Should you tell the WAS something, that would create a lot of angst, if you could take care of the issue yourself and not jeapordize the precarious R?

Why do you want to tell them? What's your expected outcome?

Sometimes we feel the need to share everything. I think that's a mistake sometimes.

Too vague. Can you be more specific??

In general, I don't believe in "secrets" in a marriage, and that's how trouble starts. When you say "create angst" . . . angst for whom?? You, or her??

Puppy

I am rather distraught. I didn't want to post details in case this is ever discovered and I decide not to tell, but I can see in order to get helpful feedback I will need to unveil the issue. Most people would call it a miracle given our ages, mine especially. I'm pg. Miscarriage rate is 75% at my age, so it could be over relatively quickly. I'm afraid if I tell H he will believe it was intentional, which it absolutely was not. I just can't believe this is happening.

Oh wow. Forget what I said. This is something you have to tell him. He has a right to know.

I don't have anyone I can tell. I only told 2 friends that he had a lawyer send me a letter. I only did an OTC test and have not called about a blood test. It is almost statistically impossible.

LRT,
I feel for you. Go slow and take your time to process everything. Take care of yourself because the LBS stress levels are high enough anyway, this will add to them.

There is a saying: "How do you eat an elephant?" The answer is, "One bite at a time."

Don't look at everything in it's totality. Take life/emotions in digestible chunks.

You are going to be okay!

We are your friends here.

I'd have to agree with PH, he needs to know. Theres no reason you can't wait a short reasonable time to see how it goes since most don't realize until at least 6 or 8 weeks or longer.

Yes it will probably raise some ill feelings but he will know soon enough if your sucessful right?

I'm hoping it is a false positive but everything I've read indicates false negatives are more likely to be wrong than false pos's. From a ssm, to lawyers, to this. Unbelievable. I guess I will plan on getting a blood test next week. Maybe I can decide about telling H after that.

And who said our lives would be dull? Wow. Just Wow.

And don't assume how he'll react. That's a twisted form of mind reading.

And let's not even talk about the statistics regarding chromosomal abnormalties at my age. I've been stressing about this the last few days and finally bought a test this morning. I was very stressed this month and I'm still hoping the test is wrong, but last time around I became bloated right away and the same thing has happened. So i bought the test and now feel very torn about the whole thing.

The problem with my H is even if he reacts okay when i tell him, chances are he will come back a day or two later and verbally attack me. And just when things were really looking up between us.

Originally Posted By: LRT Land

The problem with my H is even if he reacts okay when i tell him, chances are he will come back a day or two later and verbally attack me. And just when things were really looking up between us.

Boundaries

Part of what is troubling me about telling him is that I'm not supposed to talk about his lawyer, the M, his separate account, but I should tell him about this? I feel like I'm having a bad dream. I love my DD, and even a year or two ago I probably would have embraced the idea of another child, but the timing is soooooooo wrong. And there are the health concerns.

LRT,

I know you're scared of his reaction, but it's his child too. He has a right to know. Even if it miscarries, he should know.

Breathe

You will decide what is right for you and the timing. In the meantime you have to de-stress. You know what works for you.

LRT,

I agree with PH that he should know.

Take some time to get over the initial feelings you have to make the best decision possible for you.

It will be okay.

Thank you for the support. As you can imagine, I'm feeling a bit alone in all of this.

When I was pg with DD at 40, the doctors were amazed and telling me how lucky I am. Now they will probably look at me like I have three heads. This isn't supposed to happen.

I agree with LSG. I'm relatively schooled in fertility/infertility, and statistically that POS test is accurate. I would assume that you are pg and take some time to adjust to the idea yourself. I don't think you have to tell him right away (I don't mean wait 6 months, but one month would be ok). Take care of yourself. I hope the bloat goes away and you don't have to face m/s at all. (((hugs)))

Even without all of our M issues, childbirth at age 46 isn't something I ever anticipated. This is just crazy.

I can barely imagine being a new father at my age (46) but my wife is 36, so not outside the realm of possibility. Well, since there's no X in our sx life, it is outside the realm...

One step at a time. Breathe. Slow is good.

I took a second one. It was positive also. Great.

LRT,

I have a slightly different take. I usually do;)

My first thought was: CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!

I know you weren't palnning on this, AND that it is a really inconvenient time, AND that it may further complicate everything about life including your R. But you know what? You are a good Mother. You love your DD and she has been the one shining bright spot in your life. She is an unending, unconditional source of love for you. Whatever happens betwen you and H will happen. I hope and pray that you continue to make strides and have a long happy new life together, but either way the future keeps marching on. Another child will be a lifelong blessing to you. It will be really hard, but you can do it and do it well.

I don't want to sound too pollyannaish, but a child IS a blessing and God has his reasons. Embrace this. Cherish this. If you believe it's a miracle, accept it as such and be thankful for it.

First off, RELAX then relax some more. Make a plan (calmly). I would not bring it up until after the medical confirmation. He knows your age. I don't see how he can think it was intentional on your part, plus it takes two to make a baby. If he was worried about it he could have taken precautions. Besides, it's possible that he will be moved the other way. Whatever you do don't try to mindread now.

I hope you took my 2 cents in stride. If not, well I'm obviously an idiot anyway, so just blow it off.

BTW, my second thought was that I felt honored that you shared this with us. Like it or not, We are your friends and will be here for you.

((((((LRT))))))) Much love girl

I will try to relax. H knows something is up as he could tell something was bothering me. I'd still like to wait until after the blood test but we'll see. I may end up at least telling him I am suspicious.

I really appreciate all the hugs and helpful thoughts. I debated whether to post but then really needed some feedback. I am so used to thinking of us as a 1 kid family I can't even picture a second. My DD would love a sibling, but I think it would be a setback for our M which would ultimately have a negative impact on her. You should check out the stats for a woman in her 40s ability to conceive with a man in his 50s. we took some precaution but clearly not enough. Perhaps the stress threw thinks off.

I try not to let fear run my life so hopefully I will settle into this and see where the road takes me - strange road that it is. But i can't deny I'm scared. Scared of H's reaction - scared of fetus health - scared of miscarriage - scared of no miscarriage. I am just a mess.

Originally Posted By: A_goodman

LRT,

I have a slightly different take. I usually do;)

My first thought was: CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!

I know you weren't palnning on this, AND that it is a really inconvenient time, AND that it may further complicate everything about life including your R. But you know what? You are a good Mother. You love your DD and she has been the one shining bright spot in your life. She is an unending, unconditional source of love for you. Whatever happens betwen you and H will happen. I hope and pray that you continue to make strides and have a long happy new life together, but either way the future keeps marching on. Another child will be a lifelong blessing to you. It will be really hard, but you can do it and do it well.

I don't want to sound too pollyannaish, but a child IS a blessing and God has his reasons. Embrace this. Cherish this. If you believe it's a miracle, accept it as such and be thankful for it.

First off, RELAX then relax some more. Make a plan (calmly). I would not bring it up until after the medical confirmation. He knows your age. I don't see how he can think it was intentional on your part, plus it takes two to make a baby. If he was worried about it he could have taken precautions. Besides, it's possible that he will be moved the other way. Whatever you do don't try to mindread now.

I hope you took my 2 cents in stride. If not, well I'm obviously an idiot anyway, so just blow it off.

BTW, my second thought was that I felt honored that you shared this with us. Like it or not, We are your friends and will be here for you.

((((((LRT))))))) Much love girl

Wow, Goodman . . . that was a really beautiful post!!

My daughter -- unmarried, and unplanned -- came to us a little over a year ago, via a 5-page handwritten letter she left in her bedroom (she was afraid to face us, and was hiding out at her sister's), telling us that she was pregnant. She was terrified, knew we'd be upset (we were hardly enamored with her boyfriend), and I reacted pretty poorly to my wife, anyway ("What is she going to do?? How will we afford this? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW???!")

My wife, to her credit, looked at me with that steely resolve she summons during the "Really Big" times in our lives, and firmly said "We're going to go get our daughter, give her a hug, and tell her that we love her and that everything will be okay. Everything else can be worked out starting tomorrow or the next day."

And of course she was right.

Today, the 19th, we are celebrating the 6-month "birthday" of our beautiful baby granddaughter, and of course NONE of us can imagine her NOT being in our lives right now, as difficult as it's been.

I know this seems overwhelming right now, LRT, but this may end up being a blessing in disguise. Please keep your mind -- and your heart -- open to that thought.

Puppy

Quote:

I know this seems overwhelming right now, LRT, but this may end up being a blessing in disguise. Please keep your mind -- and your heart -- open to that thought.

I will try. I keep thinking about all the wine I've had the last 3 weeks trying to relax and act "as if" and enjoy the moment and all the caffeine I've had trying to stay awake after not sleeping at night because of the stress. Two things that are not good for fetuses. Between that and my age it is scary - plus all the other crap.

I made an appt for tomorrow for a blood test. Yikes.

46 is the new 36, LRT.

Puppy

I'm 46 and I sure feel 36 or younger! Sometimes I even act like a 26 year old...

Puppy, you are a mench! And a funny one at that. "46 is the new 36". Love it.

God bless your GrandDaughter. 6 months is a big deal. Might be cause for a cigar even.

LRT, if I remember right, the critical time not to drink is the second trimester. So don't worry so much. Yes, statistically >40 complications increase, but in today's medical environment, many, many women are successfully bringing healthy babies to term at or past your age.

Get in your happy place and CHILL! Whatever happens will happen and you worrying about it can only impact things negatively.

I'm praying for you. Trust in Him.

LRT, you are in my prayers. I think Goodman gave you some beautiful and powerful advice. Thinking of you....

Hey LRT,
My thoughts and prayers are with you! Try and relax think of your favorite place and pretend your there.

(((((((LRT)))))))))

It's my first online hug I ever gave. I hope I did it right.

I know this may sound a little odd but I really love all of you! I hardly told anyone that H hired a lawyer and wanted to D me, and without this site I would have felt so lost and alone. Now I have this new wrinkle, or blessing, depending on your perspective.

I did tell H last night. I told him I had something to share but was afraid to tell him. I asked him to please not yell or blame me. I went through my thought process yesterday and the tests and told him I was going for the blood test today. He, as I expected, focused on the very negative things that could happen. That is his modus operandi - he alwyas leans toward the negative so I anticipated that. I didn't get the sense he would embrace having a second child at all as he was very focused on disabilities as well as his age. We won't have results back until early next week, and by then I'll have a better read on his true feelings after he has sat with it a while, which is why I decided to share it with him last night.

I was happy that despite the news he still cuddled with me last night and slept in the bedroom. I am a little worried that there may be a backlash in the next couple of days, but I can't control that - just stand by my boundaries as I've always tried to do with him.

When I first realized I might be pg I too was concerned about the disability issue but even moreso the impact it would have on my M. Today I swear I have been seeing little kids and babies everywhere. I am reluctant to embrace the pg without H's support and with the looming miscarriage rate for my age hanging out there. I did a search on line and most sites indicate it is "virtually impossible" for a woman over 45 to become pg with her own eggs. I've always been a nonconformist!

I plan on talking to my doctor about next steps and all the concerns that I have. Just as when I learned about the potential D, I need to collect facts and information. Knowledge is power - or it is at least somewhat comforting.

As for 46 being the new 36, I remember when I was pg at 40 my reproductive age came out as 30, so maybe Puppy is right - yet I have to say it has taken this long for me to get back my energy and hormone balance, which is still whacked but obviously improved enough to get me pg.

H raised the issue that he feels I have all the control in this situation as even if he disagrees with what should be done I can do whatever I want. This is his low self-esteem talking. I have no idea where he is going to land. I think I am reaching a point where I can accept whatever happens, sort of like where I was with my M. So less stressed today but still feeling a bit like I landed in Oz.

Just remember Babe,

Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man that he didn't already have.

Love you back.

I just heard from my doctor and she stressed how unlikely it is this is a viable pregnancy. She said they'll now more after the blood tests and will probably do more tests next week to continue checking hormone levels if, by some miracle, today's blood indicates there is a chance of viability. Now I feel like a complete misfit.

Goodman - I love your posts. If your W doesn't want you, many women will! And I would say that to a lot of the men who post here.

It seems that it often takes that rock-bottom feeling for us to dig deep and focus on our marriage - or water the plant every day as we discussed in another thread.

I'm learning a lot of important lessons this year.

Quote:

Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man that he didn't already have.

I think this should go in the quote thread. What a great reminder to reach within!

LRT,

Been thinking about you. How are things? Yesterday, I also had a rather discombobulating external event that has thrown me for a loop. I'll post it on my thread when I get 30 minutes or so of quiet.

I re-read your post about telling H about it because something was stuck in the back of my mind. About him feeling like he's got no control; this is a perfect openning for validation, and a chance to help him see it a different way. He DOES have a ton of control. It's totally understandable why he feels that way. I'm certain you see that and probably validated it already. You probably even comiserated your feeling about it being out of your control as well.

He, (and you) actually have immense control. He can control how he chooses
to approach the situation. He is in total control over his decisions. He can step up and do the right thing. That would mean temporarily putting aside some hang ups and being strong for you and his potential new child. He can choose to be a good dad and if not a good and committed husband, at least a good friend to the woman he's spent years beside. He's got tons of control. And he's scared like you. It will be much easier and less scary if he choose to face it together as a team.

God watch over you.

Goodman - your timing is really good. H is at a conference today but I talked to him briefly this morning. I told him what the doctor said about not knowing if the pg is good until at least early next week. He told me after I made my decision he would tell me his, which left me frustrated as he is often this way. Yet then I make a decision and he'll tell me what he thinks I want to hear. He is not at all direct about expressing his wants/needs. I am going to try and validate when he gets home. I really do want to know how he feels. Maybe, like me, he is trying to stay somewhat neutral since we don't really know what's up yet.

Physically I feel down right awful. Bloated, bigger, hard to breathe, bladder issues. Yes, all ths already. The bloat happened with my first, but everything seems worse this time. I'm also more tired than usual. SInce I was feeling really good physically, it's rather daunting to think of 9 more months of this. If the baby could just "arrive" without the pg I would feel much more enthusiastic.

I'm also worried how it will impact my hormones. My desire has already taken a hit, and I'm sure this is a concern of H's due to our fall into a ssm following the last pg. Also, being this much older and dealing with night feedings and wake ups. On the other hand, it is an absolute blessing and miracle. H is a wonderful father. I even told the lawyer that when I talked to him.

Thank you so much for checking in. I will keep posting as I move along this journey, however short or long it is.

I hope that your "discombobulatig external event" is positive as opposed to negative. I will watch for your post.

No such luck LRT. It's potentially Mount Saint Helens. And I'm just a squirrel at the tree line.

Peace

My news seems so trivial compared to Goodman's, yet in a way I too feel my R hangs in the balance. H has already pulled away a bit. I am anxiously awaiting the blood work while my body continues to prepare for this journey. It is definitely hitting me harder this time - don't know if that's because of my age or because gender is different or because it's not viable. I'm trying not to get to attached to an outcome yet. The doctor seems to think I'll know soon.

I do worry about the impact on my M if the pg goes forward. I'm not sure H can handle another being to share my affection.

We've not been intimate since I shared the news. I've had zero interest and physically feel bad, and he, I suspect and yes a total mind read, is withdrawing because he feels the pg will bring back our ssm.

Why did the universe through this in my path? Why now? I'm trying to understand and accept, but I am really struggling.

LRT,

It's not trivial at all. It's a totally unexpected and uncertain fate for both of us. I feel very in tune with you as to the myriad emotions, thoughts and questions that are crashing over you.

I hope today is better than yesterday. I pray your H pulls his head out and sees what a lucky guy he is. And I pray that God gives you peace.

Whatever happens, you can do this. I have faith in you.

Well I am an emotional basket case today. I guess reality is sinking in. The tests came back pos for pg but inconclusive re viability, so I had to go back for more tests.

In the meantime, after several talks with H over the last few days (remember I said it takes a few days to get his true reaction) he does not think this is a good idea. He says he can't stop me if I want to proceed, but his mortality is staring him in the face. He keeps bringing up that he'll be well into his 70's when the kid is 20. So now I feel I need to choose between this pg or my M, because I'm pretty sure the M will not survive another pg. I believe the mortality issue pushed H to seek out a lawyer. Other men in his family died in their 60's so, in his typical fashion of latching onto the neg, he's thinking about how many years he has left.

I get that. I do. For me, my biggest fear is some defect/disability that would disrupt the whole family. All of the other neg's he's mentioned are inconveniences, and those I can get over - anyone could get over them.

I'm really praying that God takes the decision out of my hands because I'm not sure I can agree with his decision. At least I don't have to decide today. In fact, I'm going to try and stop thinking about it today because I'm turning into a puddle.

(((((Hugs and puppy licks)))))

Puppy

(((LRT)))

LRT, I sent a prayer up for you to have comfort, wisdom and clarity.

Cheers

You guys are the best. So many caring souls here.

For being a smart girl, I feel pretty foolish to be in this spot. And not just the late age pg, but the M strife, the secret account, the almost divorce (which is unresolved).

One thing I can't bring myself to do is go to the sites that show you what the fetus looks like at 2 wks, 4 wks, etc. what I do wonder, is if I go along with H's decision will our M fail anyway because I will feel resentment? I do need clarity. And lots of wisdom.

And I thank you all for the comfort, because that is not happening at home.

I wish I had perfect advice but I'm being given alot of advice to focus on ME and do what is the best thing for ME, so I would encourage you to do the same. Don't guess that you can predict any outcome of the M based on the possible outcomes of the pregnancy. Focus on the pregnancy alone and make the best choice that you need to make in your life for you and your DD. Let H be a big boy and take care of himself.

(((((LRT)))))

Add my hugs and prayers to the other's.

Stay strong.

(((((LRT)))))

I've got you in my thoughts!

LRT,

I feel as though i have been in your situation. i've been pregnant 4 times and had 3 chidlren. my last pregnancy was to say the least a struggle.

today me and my children celebrated my son's 1/2 birthday, he is so gorgeious and i just love him. the baby i lost was devasting for me in somany ways.

h and i were so rocky then, i felt trapped,just having bought my house, i did it on my own without h. working, and having my daughter at the time 1.5 years old. he and i would break up and get back together, so many times. i never wanted him to come back for the kids and believed that's why he orginally returned when d was 9 months old. i think that baby knew it and felt and died because of that, but i found out i had a blood disorder and went on to have my son.

you are fortunate to be pregnant and whatever happens, it is a blessing and what happens is for a reason

LRT, just think of this as one hell of a 180...

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I am reading all your posts and weighing everything. H is so mean and selfish. Mr. Hyde has appeared as I dreaded. 5 days without sx and he's a monster again. He's blaming me for all of this. He mentioned that he had to hire a lawyer before I found my sx drive and now I'm trying to for him to be almost 80 with a kid in college.

In many ways, divorce would have been easier. I wouldn't be pg. I'm still really hoping the tests tell me a miscarriage is looming, because I don't think I can have this baby. If we hadn't moved 1 1/2 from my job - if I were younger - if I had any support system apart from an online one - then it would be okay. Instead, I have a very sick mother and no one else.

I think I'll probably be crying for the rest of the year. And no, I don't need to make a decision today, but soon. In the next couple of weeks. I know if it goes too long I won't be able to do anything as I'll be too emotionally involved. Maybe I already am. It's good that I feel so bad physcially - my head hurts, my stomach, my back. If I think about how hard a pg will be on my maybe that will make it all easier. I am so stupid for letting this happen. I'd asked him to get a v but he was afraid of it. I can't take bcp because my hormones were so messed up. Just makes this even more of a miracle.

At least I didn't take his bait. I started to argue then just shut my mouth. He can't handle any form of stress so I was expecting it. I just wasn't expecting him to spew such nonsense.

RGB - I'm honored to be your first post.

((((LRT)))))

Hugs and wishes for peace and clarity LRT.

Cas

LRT,

You were worried about H's reaction because you did expect it. You hoped for a different reaction, but you were prepared. Ok, maybe not for whatever BS he spewed, but you knew the spew was coming. See? You are getting out ahead of the curve on him. I know, because you were able to control your emotions and not take the bait. If you had not been prepared, it would have been an ambush, and you would have fared worse. Seemingly small gains add up. You are stronger and more confident than you were at the outset. YOU WILL KEEP GETTING STRONGER! If you have to write it on post it notes to keep reminding yourself do it.

I know I'm ill suited to understand what you're going through. I know that the hormones coursing through you right now are severly complicating things, both mentally and physically. I don't know what to give you as advice. But I do know some things that might help.

You are a very intelligent, insightful person. Other women have the same hormonal and relationship challenges during pregnancy, but are hostage to them because they are not as smart as you. I think you will not become hostage to your own emotions. That will help you.

Your support system is lacking in the ability to physically hug you, and it takes more effort to communicate with it, but in my experience, it is just as powerful as having friends to confide in. Maybe more becuse we're annonymous, so there is no mental hang-ups about coming here and airing it out in all it's glorious detail. Of course, I'm a guy, so the mushy stuff (hugging, crying, sharing a gallon of Ben and Jerry's) isn't as important. Sexist? See annonymous above

I'm sorry your Mom's in bad health. I'll add her to my prayer list. (Yes I had to write it down. There's just too many of us poor bastards than need praying for.)

Sorry if the end got sarcastic. Humor too is something you could use right now.

The last thing I would add is that it's time to think about YOU and let the chips fall. Whatever decisions you make and whatever happens may cause a lifetime of self recrimination. don't do anything for any reason other than it's what YOU need and feel is right.

Much Love.

Goodman - you turned me into a puddle again, but in a good way. I am happy I didn't take the bait. Maybe the pg hormones helped out there as I'm definitely calmer than usual. We have some parenting things that need to be done for school this week. I suppose I should call him and just act normal. When we parted this morning there was no physical contact, whereas we have been hugging/kissing.

I'm not feeling so intelligent right now. I think I should have D'd H when DD was 3 wks old. I've struggled for years to keep the family together - set boundaries - accepted. I did it because my tolerance for the bs was higher due to my own upbringing. Also something to think about before bringing another child into the mayhem.

I went for a long walk before work this morning. In a perfect world, I wouldn't have to worry about birth defects, divorce, finances, how I will function at age 47 on no sleep, will I be physically able t 50 to keep up with a 3 yr old, etc. I thought about all the joy a child can bring, and how excited DD would be. There is a real risk another child could end the M. THe first one almost did. Since that impacts DD too, I need to take that into consideration.

The other thing I thought about as I walked is how no matter what I do, our sx life never seems good enough. H can't seem to realize he shoots himself in the foot by reacting as he does and spewing garbage. So I'm trying to think about this pg in two stages, one would I be able to embrace this child if M to H and two would I be able to do so if I were single? I also think about the impact on DD, as I have an older mother and it is painful to witness her decline. Then, if the child does have a defect, will DD feel the responsibility of care if H and I aren't living? My reproductive age may still be 30 or 35, but my chronological age, and H's, are hard and fast numbers.

I've always been pro choice, though after DD was born it was tougher to stand by that position. It is not a decision that I think anyone should ever take lightly, but I do think the choice should be left to the parents and not the government. Everyone should be able to weigh their own set of factors.

Despite having to work beyond retirement and despite the lack of sleep/energy/life, if my M were strong and H were on board I have no doubt I would move forward. But that's not my reality. My reality isn't anywhere close to that.

I'm anxiously awaiting the doctor's call today.

LRT,

Trust God. He's the only one who knows what you're made of. He won't put more on your plate than you can chew.

The hardest damn thing is he always puts more on it than you THINK you can chew.

AND He's tougher than Gucchi and R2C put together. We're all being db'd by the creator. Don't want to have faith in the R? Think I'm controlling? Need space? ILYBNILWY? Want to have am OD (other diety). No sweat. Do your own thing. I got some rain to make somewhere. And oh, you can pack your OWN boxes. Move out. Find your OWN place. Consequences? Reap what you sow. Tough love? He invented it.

But he'll always listen. EVEN when we spew. NEVER gets baited. Good thing too, or my name would be "Sparky".

OK, sorry if I was prosthelitizing (SP?) I am not a good or
very religious man (and a sucky speller too). But my ordeal has brought me closer.

All I'm saying is that when you felt like you had no control over life becausee H was dismantling everything, the key was to stop trying to control him, R, M etc. then to eventually accept it and control what you could control. YOU.

So now here is another thing that you have no control over (I know ultimately you do, but ultimately you had it before too. could have pulled the plug on M any time). Maybe the key here is to do the same thing. When you try to understand it and figure out what you should do and how to approach everything, i.e. CONTROL it you make yourself crazier. When you accept it, and roll with it and act as-if, you control your emotions and thinking clearly gets easier.

I'm not talking about THE decision either, just the ride you have to endure while you make it.

I hope that all came off right.

God bless you

I am trying to trust God. I'm sure there is a reason why I've had such a difficult M. I did end up with an amazing DD.

I don't think I"ve mentioned that H is also having memory issues. He won't own that either, but maybe that is partly what scares him.

We just had a horrible phone call with him using his nasty tone and not taking part in parental responsibilities. Then I get this email:

have your attorney contact my attorney

other wise mine will start the process

you have 24 hours

I replied. I told him I didn't like the lawyer I met a couple weeks ago and had an appt to meet one tomorrow.

His borderline traits are coming through. It may blow over, but is this really acceptable given the circumstances?

This should be an interesting evening. And no word from the doctor yet. What a lovely day.

I'm thinking about my DD riding her bike gleefully down the street, and that makes the past years of H's nonsense seem worth it. If I have to make a decision about this pg, my DD's best interests in light of what is transpiring will be at the forefront of that decision.

LRT,

No Offense, but your H is a Jackass.

I'm pulling for you.

LRT,

This is a song that's frequently got me thru my "Why???" times. I hope it gives you some comfort and encouragement!

Puppy

"Higher Ways" -- Steven Curtis Chapman

Higher Ways
Steven Curtis Chapman
Album: For The Sake Of The Call

If I could only fly, I'd go up and look down from the sky
So I could see the bigger picture
And Lord if I could sit with you at your feet for an hour or two
I'm sure I'd ask too many questions 'cause there's so much going on down here
That I must confess I just don't understand, I don't understand

And I have prayed, that at your feet my whole life has been laid
So I won't worry I won't be afraid
Cause My soul is resting on your higher ways

So let the road ahead become unclear
For I am yours so what have I to fear
If my soul is resting on your higher ways

Your higher ways teach me to trust you
Your higher ways are not like mine
Your higher ways are the ways of a father hiding his children in his love

So let it rain and if my eyes grow dim with tears of pain
This hope I have will not be washed away
Because this soul of mine is resting on your higher ways

Your higher ways teach me to trust you
Your higher ways are not like mine
Your higher ways are the ways of a father hiding his children in his love

Someday I will fly and maybe then you will take me aside and show me the bigger picture
But until I'm with you I'll be here with a heart that is true and a soul that's resting on your higher ways

Your higher ways
Resting on your higher ways

Thanks Goodman. Sadly, I'm starting to feel the same way.

I just heard from the doctor. The pg is not viable. So at least one tough decision I won't have to make. I haven't told H yet. Not after the last 24 hours.

(((((LRT)))))

-silverado

Puppy - I just saw your song. THank you. I'm going to print it out. I like it very much.

(((LRT)))

No words, just hugs.

I know you are relieved and I am for you. I'm also sad because I know a small part of you probably isn't relieved. I know that's mind reading, but my heart goes out to you.

I'm sorry for calling your H names. Not my place and not helpfull.

Take care of yourself.

The first counselor we saw tried to tell me to separate H's behaviors from the person. When he's in one of these dark places, his whole persona changes. His face seems longer - he walks heavier.

Still, when he came home 3 hours late tonight knowing I've been struggling physically and not returning my phone call, I don't think I responded in the DB way. I basically said 'you'll be happy to know I should have a miscarriage any day now, so if I don't address your legal concerns fast enough for you, then you should do what you need to do, but I'm going to take care of myself right now.' His response? silence.

And that is what I'm going to do. I'm just hoping my body does what is supposed to because otherwise I have to go in for some procedure.

I will close my bedroom door tonight. I highly doubt he'd sleep in my bed anyway, but it gives me a small measure of feeling like I have some control over any of this.

Goodman - no worries. I have similar names cross my mind today.

Thanks all for sticking with me through this horrible story.

I am just so sorry you have all this added stress right now, but I'm glad that the decision has come quick and is no longer in your hands. There is a master plan for all of us.

Keep taking care of yourself, LRT. Many hugs to you tonight.

Miscarriage hasn't started but I can tell it's over - just feels different, and as I mentioned it never felt right. What I didn't share with H because he didn't value one new child is that the doctor told me this would have been twins based on the hormone levels and the huge drop in the labs. While I am relieved to not have to make the decision, I am mourning the loss.

These are some of the things I'd like to say to H which I can't so I'll say them here, and thank you all for sticking with me:

- grow up.
- do you ever think of anyone besides yourself?
- not having sx for 5 days doesn't give you the right to act like an a##hole
- how can you possibly blame me for the pg when it's common knowledge it takes a sperm and an egg?
- why can't you own your issues and get help?

This morning, he was flipping back and forth between Jekyll and Hyde. This means he's coming out of the snit. I didn't take the bait. And when he got to a point where he started raising his voice and saying very nasty things I calmly said "i'm not going to let you yell at me" and walked away.

The past is history, the future is uncertain, but today is a gift. Cherish each moment and don't let ANYONE rain on your parade.

LRT,

I know you would have been great had things worked out the other way. I'm sorry for your loss. At least it wasn't your decision.

As to H, I apologized yesterday for saying what I did and meant it. But only for saying it. That doesn't mean it's not true.

I'm glad you open up here. There are a lot of folks following you and posting their care for you. Know that you're not alone.

Maybe the reason God gave you this trial was to show you how strong you really are. Even during the height of this stressful situation, you were able to remain calm and steady with H. It was very impressive. You should feel confident that you can handle anything from here on.

Cheers.

(((LRT)))

I don't know what else to say

LRT, Sent another arrow prayer up for your comfort, peace and wisdom. Sorry you are going thru this.

Coach

Sorry for your loss.

Take good care of yourself.

Hey LRT,
Haven't been on much lately, but want you to know sorry to here what happend & my thoughts and prayers are with u! Hope

(((((LRT))))) May peace and strength lift you.

Quote:

Even during the height of this stressful situation, you were able to remain calm and steady with H.

I may be relatively calm but my tone and demeanor are not the best with him. I am angry, hurt, frustrated that he picks now to withdrawn and to abandon me. Last night he seemed "normal" except that there were no hugs, no affection, and separate rooms. I don't know if he was normal because he thinks I went to the lawyer or because he called his and filed or if he knows he acted rashly and is trying in his own twisted way to apologize. I know - don't mind read. I don't think I have been - just thinking of all the options so maybe I won't be taken by surprise again.

I haven't mentioned the lawyer, D, the R or the pending miscarriage. Just like limboland with DB/DR, the waiting with the miscarriage is the hardest part and not knowing exactly what to expect.

I'm sure once I get through this recent trauma I will want to save the M again, right now I am just hurting. It's hard to DB when your H deals you such a low blow. Part of me wants to say "go."

I do appreciate all of the support and prayers. It's hard not being able to tell anyone.

LRT,

How you doing?

AG

I'm sorry for all this stress LRT. No real words of wisdom or advice just hugs and good thoughts for you during all of this.

Thank you all for your prayers and support. Nothing has happened yet and I will need to call the doctor next week. I will not be posting for a while but I will read your stories and send you my thoughts and prayers. Apparently in addition to not being able to keep a private diary at home I'm not allowed to have this sanctuary either. H wants to use it against me, even though I think it's pretty clear I love him and have been trying so hard to save the M.

So husband, if you are reading again you asked 'do I have a lawyer or not have a lawyer" As I told you before, I have not retained a lawyer, and right now I'm going to get through this miscarriage and take care of my health.

Thanks again to everyone that has supported me.

If you are reading along, support your wife. She needs you to be strong for her in this really hard time. Regardless of what happens, you're all she's got right now.

Good luck LRT.

I'm so sorry for your loss LRT. Stay strong and know that our thoughts and prayers are with you.

Just caught up to your thread, LRT. I'm so sorry; I guess this wasn't meant to be.

I do pray you'll have some peace now, even in your loss.

Puppy

LRT,
Prayers for peace, acceptance and healing from a silent lurker.
(((LRT)))

LRT,

I hope you have a better week ahead. The path before us is always scary; scariest part is that we have to choose it!

Thinking of you LRT.

Me too. I hope you are ok out there.

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish I could be there to comfort and support you like you deserve to be during such a difficult time. I'm sorry you have to go through this in addition to all the other stress in your life right now.

Big hugs to you

How's it going LRT? No updates in a while, hoping you're ok.

For those of you that have been following my story, I wanted to let you know that after an ultrasound and several blood tests things finally did happen naturally. There was one physically difficult evening, but the emotions a couple days later were way worse. I am feeling better now and H did help take care of me throughout.

There has been no further legal action at this point as far as I know. I've accepted that I can only control my own actions, and I continue to try and be the person I want to be in a relationship. Now that the recent events are behind me, I hope to get back to that focus and keep in mind all the positive things in my life.

Maybe in time I'll feel comfortable enough to start a new thread as I do miss your wisdom and support, but for now I'll probably be a silent reader cheering all of you on.

Hang in there LRT. We're all rooting for you.

Much love ((((LRT))))

I'm glad H was there for you.

LRT my thoughts and prayers are with you!