About a month ago, I found out my husband was having an affair with a friend of mine. He didn't stop it until about two weeks ago, has moved out, and we are going to therapy. Actually, he is going to therapy. The therapist does not need to see us together again until he figures out if he wants to be married.
He has also had some internet relationships with women from our of our area, which I tried to disregard because we're here and they're where they live. But, once I found out about his affair here, I added those as affairs.
Is it worth it for me to stick it out? He has just also been diagnosed with depression with mood issues, not quite bipolar, but he has some hypomania. He drinks a lot, has taken up smoking, and is quite depressed. I worry, however, that the depression has come from the stress he feels about not wanting to be with me anymore.
We have been married almost 11 years and have two wonderful kids. I have been the same person throughout, and he has acknowledged this.
What should I do?
I'm trying to give him his space. I'm not checking into what he is doing and when, I try not to call him except when we need to talk about the kids, and I'm not pressuring him to make a decision about us.
PG, hang in there, I'll reply to your sitch in the morning after church. Other than being a packer fan, you're doing fine.
God be with you, Pinhead.
(((PG)))
It might help if you gave us a bit more detail- have you read the DB book? Looked at the site a bit for advice given to others? I have no expertise on A's, but there's a whole forum on infidelity you might want to skim through- post here for now b/c it will get more traffic, but you might find useful advice there.
hang in there!
-A
PG - it sounds like your H is in a bad place right now. You need to focus on taking care of you. If you haven't, read Divorce Remedy. THere is a part on affairs. Read threads on here. There are people with experience re affairs.
Schedule a consultation (first one should be free) with a lawyer or two and learn about your rights. It will give you some peace of mind and a feeling of control over the situation. Doesn't mean you have to do anything - just gather knowledge.
I just joined and so have not read really much of anything. I'll do some of that today.
Thanks for the advice on DR. I'll have to take a look at it. I know I'm not the only one in this situation, so I'm glad there are boards like this.
PG,
Some quick advice while you get your copy of DR. The first is that DR is good, but this board is 100x more valuable. Trust the veterans like Coach, Greek, Sandi2, RobX, Puppy Dog Tails etc. These folks will tell you thinks that you don't want to hear or believe, but their advice will be invaluable. You'll look back in a month and wonder how you would have survived without the great advice (and love) people freely share here.
Next, do these three things:
1. Exercise. Any type, any time. Just give your body a workout to help alleviate the tidal wave of stress you're going to have to swim through.
2. Eat well. Ditch booze (except in moderation), eat healthy stuff so that you can better accomplish your exercise goals, as well as:
3. Sleep. Deep, recuperative sleep is going to become a rare commodity. Try your best to get as much as you can.
Hi PG,
I am sorry that you find yourself in this situation. But you asked if there is hope; there is. However, now is the time to take care of yourself and your children. I agree with seeing a lawyer; find out your rights. Also, read the Divorce Remedy.
Do you have an agreement with him on the custody of the children? Are you getting exercise? Are you seeing a counselor? Are you going to church? How are you doing financially?
How long has your H been depressed? Is he on meds? Is he seeing a pschiatrist? Have you talked to the pschiatrist?
Hang in there. This site is wonderful; you will get a lot of good advice here
Take care,
-T
Hi all. Thanks for the advice. I have been reading a lot on the boards today and feel better.
I am getting exercise, about five times a week. I have a triathlon in two weeks and a half marathon in about six weeks and I don't want to have to skip those.
My husband is being really good with taking the kids. We don't have a financial arrangement as of now. Currently, he is living in a furnished apartment and I'm in the house and we are just keeping our checking account. I was never one to spend a lot of money, so I'm just keeping to our usual habit. He is an MD so we are really not hard up for money at the moment. He has stable employment and is not asking me to go out and get a job, which is good. He knows I'm in charge of the kids most of the time and it's up to me to be here when they need a parent if they're sick or when they don't have school.
He has them this weekend and I have been following the DB rules. I have not called them or texted him and he has actually called a few times to check up on me, so I take that as a good sign. I have this weekend to work on stuff around the house and to take time for myself. This is the first full weekend I have had to think about what he has done and to reflect on our marriage. I know now that I have been ignoring signs (he has had online relationships that I disregarded until his physical relationship with this friend of mine.) It makes me angry but I'm not going to let him see my emotion.
As far as the kids are concerned, all they know is that daddy has some work to do at an apartment when he gets done with his normal job and that he needs time to do his work, but will be happy to have them sleep over when it's his turn. My son is 8 and believes a lot. He has asperger's so takes things very literally. My daughter, who is 5, seems content, too. I know that if this becomes a long term separation that we'll have to say something, but right now they are pretty ok with daddy's "work" apartment.
I'm eating pretty well. I am not a religious person, so I don't go to Church, but I have been reflecting a lot on stuff. I am trying to read as much as I can on this and I'm keeping busy. Today I cleaned out two closets and watched a movie and slept in. In the beginning of all of this, I lost a lot of weight, but now I'm eating better. I don't eat a lot of meat, so I had a huge plate of sautéed zucchini tonight, which was good.
I don't drink a lot, simply because I'm already dealing with an alcoholic brother and my husband, who has been drinking too much. I'll go out once in awhile, but I don't like feeling icky the day after, and since I'm going to the Y so much, I want to be in good form for that.
The whole situation hasn't hit me yet, I think. It's still surreal for me to even be contemplating not having him in my life as my partner. We never fought, had regular dates, had a lot of sex, and went on vacations together without the kids. The only thing I nagged him about was money, but that was because he seemed so blasé about our finances when I'm the one who pays the bills at the end of the month. He and I do have a different view on saving, because I come from a family who saves a lot and his family spends a lot, but I thought we had struck a pretty good balance.
I feel so fortunate to have supportive family and friends, and I'm glad he and I are getting along well. I just hope he comes to his senses soon.
Thanks for all your advice!
H just got on meds about seven weeks ago. He is taking prozac, was taking lamictal but had a bad reaction, so is off that, and is also taking antabuse to stop drinking.
He is seeing a counselor pretty regularly. I went to see our MC, but she is advising me to wait until he has had a few more sessions with her, because it's basically all on him to decide what to do.
I have not consulted a lawyer because I think I'm still in a bit of a state of denial. He has not been in contact with one, either, so that makes me feel better. Wisconsin in a no-fault state, so no matter what happens, I get at least half and we've been married almost 11 years and I supported him while he was in school and then left my job for his job up here and has been at home per his request the last few years. He wants me to keep the house, but I don't want it without him, because he custom built it together four years ago and it's not a home without him. So, if we end up splitting up, he will have the house and will buy me a house in the same neighborhood so that we don't disrupt life for the kids too much. I have also read about how parents share the house and take turns staying at an apartment so that the kids don't have to shuffle from one house to another. We'll see. I don't want to need to consider these options. I hope it's just some weird mid-life crisis he's experiencing and he'll come around, but I have to stay strong for whatever comes my way.
I just made a new playlist for my iphone called "Summer 2010 sucks" and I like it. Lots of Beck Sea Change songs. I just hope there will be an opportunity to erase that playlist in the near future.
BTW--pinhead, what's so wrong with being a Packers fan? As long as you're not a Vikings fan, I'm ok.
Hi PackerGirl!
I am a DB'er who was here a LOT for awhile, and still peek my head in. I saw your name, and was immediately drawn to read your sitch! Not sure where you are, but I'm just South of the IL border.
I have a lot of comments re: infidelity, but not a lot of time right now. I live in a neighborhood where most of the husband's are MD's, and my best friends are their wives. That is not an easy role. Especially, if he's specialized...
I spent TOO LONG trying to Divorce Bust, but it had to be in MY time that I dealt w/the affair (emotionally), and moved on (mentally). I'm glad I did it, but I feel like part of the 2 1/2 years I put into the effort was for naught.
I think I have a clinically depressed (or just plain whacked) STBX, as well, but he will NEVER go to see a doctor about it, nor would he even consider counseling. You have that on your side!!!
First things first... make sure that affair is handled appropriately. You can't do anything w/the two of you until that and/or any others, is dealt with.
I'll be back.
Good Luck!
I'm in GB, Packer Country.
He is specialized, but we live in a very diverse neighborhood, so nobody really knows or cares what is going on. I guess my main concern is the EA has has been having for about five years. They started right after our daughter was born and I just ignored it, moved up here from Madison when he got out of residency, and have continued to ignore it and his increased drinking until I finally caught him cheating, physically.
He feels bad about what he has done, but I can't see how he will change now that he has been caught. He says he likes being on his own but I can't stand to see our family ruined. Michele says stuff about the family unit being destroyed and it's true. I cry thinking about holidays, birthdays, and the future, especially since I don't want any of this.
I am giving it until September 30, when his lease ends. If he needs more time, he'll have to get a year lease and we'll have to work out the childcare arrangements. I don't want to consult a lawyer so soon and I want him to continue to get IC. Hopefully his meds will kick in and he'll see reason, but I can't count on that.
I just want this nightmare to end.
PG,
I would suggest seeing a counselor. It is good to find someone that you can completely open up too and hear an honest reply. It is hard to get that from family and friends. 1) You don't want to tell them everythingand 2) they will already be biased.
I was not a particularly religious person before my sitch either. However, you will find that a lot of things will be out of your control. Religion helped me let those things go; helped me have faith that things occur for a reason.
Are you getting out and being with people? Running, cycling and especially swimming can be quite isolative. If you are like me, you may be looking for a cave to crawl in. However, it was companionship with friends that improved my mood. Keep up the excercise though and good luck with the races.
Do you know if your H has been put on any meds?
Take care,
-T
Hi again. Just read your last post; what meds is he on? For how long? I wouldn't count on them helping much. Getting the meds correct for someone with bipolar depression is much more difficult than yor normal clinical depression.