I've been reading these forums several times a day since I found out about my wife's affair.
I need some input.
We were married 10 years in May. I found out in June she was seeing someone else (I found a number I didn't recognize on the cell phone bill). Since that time I have gotten the "I love you but I'm not in love with you speech, The you and I were never meant to be together and I can't figure out why I ever married you speech, the It's not you it's me speech, the he can't hold a candle to you speech, the He's everything your not speech, and the I've felt this way about our marriage for a long time speech.
She as also stated that she never wanted to be a wife and mother and that she had considered aborting our first born and taking the morning after pill when she thought she may be pregnant with our last born. We have 4 beautiful children ages 2,5,7 and 8. She also has a 15 year old from a prior relationship who doesn't live with us.
In conversations and from researching this guy who is 23, (my wife is 35) he has a history and its not a good one. He's a convicted felon, has a recent drug arrest and is tied up in the manufacturing of Meth. He doesn't work, doesn't have a place to live often staying with friends and relatives and apparently has no desire to make any sort of change.
The kick in the teeth is I have been in Law Enforcement 25 years. I put jerks like this in jail the last thing I ever expected and never saw coming was this. To say I was blindsided is an understatement.
She has told me she wants out and that she plans to leave but would come back to watch the kids when I had to work, I refused this because she left once for 8 days after I found this guys wallet in my truck and she couldn't explain how it got there. She left but would come in the evenings to "get the kids settled" the only problem was once she left they were upset. I can't see doing that to them all over again. I feel we have all put up with enough of that from her and I told her that if she leaves again she should stay gone and that she shouldn't expect to come in and be a part time parent.
The problem is I still love my wife and I had hoped she would get her act together and we could work this out. She has seen a therapist once and is due to go again tomorrow. The problem is he doesn't want to see me with her or by myself yet so I don't know how forthcoming she has been with him.
I'm open for suggestions.
When she left the last time She insisted on coming here even though she was seeing him the entire time and lying to all of us about it.
She continues this behavior and is very erratic. She's begun drinking heavily and also exhibiting other behaviors which make me think she is just out of control. We spoke last night and I told her she could go when she is ready. She won't go at the moment as some of her relatives who don't know the situation have come to visit and will be here at least a week. The I just found out this morning that her dad who plans to move here (he has already purchased a house here) will be here the following week. He is also unaware of what's going on and when he finds out what she has been doing he will hit the roof. She has already alienated her mothers side of the family with lying and changing the story on why she's doing what she's doing. She has just told them she's unhappy and has been for a long time. She neglected to tell them about her 23 year old sack of crap boyfriend and the affair with him.
I don't really want to get into the middle of things with her family as I don't want her to be able to say that I turned them against her. She's pretty much done that herself.
Thanks for the input and your right I agree she needs to be set free and that's what I intend to do. Apparently now she's ready but won't until everyone who isn't aware of what's going on leaves which will be at least 2 to 3 weeks.
Any suggestions on how I should handle things while that occurs?
I don't see why you have to wait.
If it were me (and you have to decide for YOU), I think I would say, "You have a week to find an apartment, and your relatives can help you move".
I don't know how to put it so that you will understand that you wanting her to fix herself, while natural, isn't really healthy at this point.
You need to do what Puppy calls "Go Papa Bear" on her. You need to protect yourself and your family from this predator she is inviting into your lives. You need to establish some healthy boundaries (e.g. I will not live in an open marriage, and I will protect my children from this predator you have invited into our lives to end our marriage).
I did that but she's insistent on putting on this facade while her relatives are here. I suppose it's so that they don't look at her in a bad light. I guess my question is should I mention something to her relatives or should I not?
I'm kind of torn about this since I don't want to end our marriage but she apparently thinks that's what she needs to have her freedom and do all the things she hasn't been able to do in life because of her "obligations" of being a spouse and mother.
As far as protecting my family that's not even a consideration I have already told her that while she is involved with him that she will under no circumstances expose any of our children to him. She is in agreement with that or so she says. Presently the older children don't really want to have much to do with her anyway. The see what's happened for themselves and have come to resign themselves to the fact that she may be leaving again and may not come back.
Sadly her 15 year old was here during her last "escape" and we had several conversations. One of the last things he said before he left was that " I hope you guys don't get a divorce because I don't want her (his mother) to treat the kids like she treated me growing up" (She has had very minimal contact with him since we got married and according to her it's because of me.
He seems to have a different opinion of that however.
I did that but she's insistent on putting on this facade while her relatives are here.
Time to go see an attorney, then.
I suppose it's so that they don't look at her in a bad light.
Put together an thoughtful letter that goes something like:
I am sorry to tell you that our marriage is in trouble. _____ has been having an affair with a 23 year old man with a troubled history, and I have asked her to leave, not because I do not want to fight for my marriage, but because I want to protect myself and our children from this predator she is seeing and because her behavior is not something I want our children to be continually exposed to.
I appreciate your support in this matter.
Give them each copies of the letter. Then step back. She is going to get angry because you didn't help her carry out her Big Lie. She is going to run "dammage control" and spin many more webs of deceit. Do not engage her. If you say anything, ask her if she has found an apartment yet or say you did not want to lie for her.
It's the right thing to do.
and pay special attention to the fish poem. there is a hidden meaning. lol.
if it hasn't hit you in the head like a falling piano yet, this guy must be removed from your life even at the cost of losing your wife.
Bottom feeders do not belong around your children.
Wow, that is a tough situation. She is deep into her WAW fog.
I would at least get a restraining order against the OM for your kids sake.
Then kick her to the curb, you and your kids deserve better.
Agree with everyone else about the meth guy.
Sorry your find yourself here but we'll listen/advise you.
I think you've got to let her go and make her understand that you won't tolerate her behavior/this guy around your kids. That is not a good example at all.
Her wanting to keep up appearances for the family is so that she can pretend like nothing is wrong/save face cause she knows she had made a poor decision.
The link that Rob posted is a great manual to follow.
I did that but she's insistent on putting on this facade while her relatives are here.
Time to go see an attorney, then.
I suppose it's so that they don't look at her in a bad light.
Put together an thoughtful letter that goes something like:
I am sorry to tell you that our marriage is in trouble. _____ has been having an affair with a 23 year old man with a troubled history, and I have asked her to leave, not because I do not want to fight for my marriage, but because I want to protect myself and our children from this predator she is seeing and because her behavior is not something I want our children to be continually exposed to.
I appreciate your support in this matter.
Give them each copies of the letter. Then step back. She is going to get angry because you didn't help her carry out her Big Lie. She is going to run "dammage control" and spin many more webs of deceit. Do not engage her. If you say anything, ask her if she has found an apartment yet or say you did not want to lie for her.
It's the right thing to do.
A Papabear always protects his cubs.
Puppy
Yes- tell her relatives!
You need to expose this dangerous affair to everyone and anyone who will listen- ESPECIALLY the people who love your wife.
It's hard to do (at first- the more people you tell, the easier it gets), and yes, she will be angry. But you'd be doing it out of love. She's going down the wrong road, and it's like an intervention. You NEED to get her relatives (all of them) on board.
Well, I know for fact he won't go near my kids and she doesn't interact with him in person when she has the kids. He knows that if he comes within sight of my kids he has me to deal with. We have discussed custody and she has said she won't fight me over sole custody of the kids which I thought she would. But in retrospect it makes since especially since she doesn't want any responsibility for being a spouse, mother etc...
I have scheduled the two older kids to speak to a therapist and hopefully that will aid them in dealing with the totality of the situation.
The thing that sucks about this whole situation is I can see this guy sucking her into his world and her losing everything because of it. Her professional credentials to work etc... She on the other hand is either in denial or just doesn't see him for what he is.
He recently got arrested on drug charges and is pending a case in court. I felt that would be enough for her to break away but instead she blamed herself for his situation and continues to try to take steps to aid him.
I realize and so do her friends and family that she is on a path of self destruction but none of us can make her see that. I just hope she comes to her senses before he causes her to lose everything she has worked her whole life to obtain.
Well, I know for fact he won't go near my kids and she doesn't interact with him in person when she has the kids.
Addicts usually escalate their behavior, right?
Puppy
^Yeah, that's true.
Is she using, too, Crushed? You def dont' want her around your kids if she is. She seems to be way over head if she's just telling you she will give you sole custody without a fight. Protect your kids and yourself. Go see a L.
You may want to alert her family about this guy and the drug use.
Puppy, Trust me when I say this if he gets near my kids His ass is mine...
I don't know that he is an addict I do know however that he is involved in the procurement of the components to manufacture it however. In fact the apple doesn't fall far from the tree, His mother who is now deceased use to make it as well.
I agree with everyone. Get this guy away from your family. Get an attorney and get a temp. order in place. Get her out of the house. The sooner reality of what she's doing and how it is affecting others hits her in the face the better.
Hold the line. PMA
. . yet.
Addicts usually escalate their behavior, right?
Beat me to it.
We have read too many situations just like yours, and many of us have lived it.
You need to expose in a thoughtful manner, and you need to get her out of the house if she is doing this.
Exposing must be done right. Go back and read the example letter I gave you.
Expose the A immidiately to everyone. She doesn't deserve to treat your children or you this way and still get to live a Big Lie when people are in town. She deserves NONE of it unless she goes NC with OM.
And, if you are able to, expose the A in person or on the phone to everyone. It will mean alot more to the person you are talking to than sending a letter. Don't complain about her when exposing. Just state the facts, that you are worried about her, and this is not a good thing and they need to know what she's doing.
OK, She just called me after leaving her therapist and I again told her if she can't break it of she needs to move out.
I have also talked to her Aunt and Cousin both of which, have talked to her briefly about what they sensed immediately upon their arrival at our house this morning. They both said the same thing that she isn't acting like she's in her right mind.
Her Aunt confided in me that she had been through something similar with her husband before he was diagnosed as "Manic". They both said that they felt she wasn't making good choices or decisions and that she should seek medical attention in addition to counseling from the therapist.
They are both going to talk to her at length when she returns this evening and strongly urge her to do that. He cousin actually said she would "drag her" if necessary to see someone regarding this before she does irreparable damage to us, our family and her life.
I have talked to a lawyer this morning whom I spoke with previously regarding this situation and he is drafting a letter to send to this guy advising formally to stay away and if he doesn't then the next step will be legal action.
Wish me luck I am going to call her dad this afternoon and break the news to him. He needs to know especially since she is driving his car and should she get stopped with dirtbag in the car and he's dirty she and the car are going to be snatched up.
My wife's aunt feels he should hear it from me rather then the watered down blame deflecting version she is going to feed him.
This is all fine and well CIK, but...
Keep in mind that YOU cannot fix her, YOU cannot change her feelings, YOU have to set boundaries (and enforce them) to protect YOU and YOUR KIDS.
If you make it your business to figure her out or try to fix her, you will drain yourself dry and fail to do what you need to do here: detach from her unhealthy behavior.
My wife's aunt feels he should hear it from me rather then the watered down blame deflecting version she is going to feed him.
She is going to feed them another narrative. You can count on that. I have yet to read one time where it hasn't happened. Exposure is the right thing to do. Affairs flourish in secrecy. This is going to be the first real set of shocks to the fantasy she is living right now.
And she is going to be very angry most likely. She'll get over that eventually.
But... your purpose... as always is to protect yourself and your kids.
I have set boundaries and told her that when she leaves she won't be able to pop in and play spouse and mother just because she wants too. She had offered to come stay here with the kids while I worked which I refused as I'm not putting the kids through that. She will need to stick to a schedule regarding visiting our kids and that if they didn't want to go with her I will NOT force them to.
I have removed her from all of our joint accounts and taken steps to change out all of the utilities in to my name only.
I also told her that she will need to obtain her own car insurance, register one of our vehicles in her name, transfer her cell phone into her own name, and obtain her own health, dental etc insurance as I am not going to be responsible for her financially once she leaves.
I also brought some boxes home and have begun to place things that are her's in them and will set them in the garage for her to take. I believe I pretty well on my way to being detached. It reminds me a bit of the Tough Love Theory. Now if it works only time will tell.
have removed her from all of our joint accounts and taken steps to change out all of the utilities in to my name only.
I also told her that she will need to obtain her own car insurance, register one of our vehicles in her name, transfer her cell phone into her own name, and obtain her own health, dental etc insurance as I am not going to be responsible for her financially once she leaves.
I also brought some boxes home and have begun to place things that are her's in them and will set them in the garage for her to take.
Good.
I believe I pretty well on my way to being detached. It reminds me a bit of the Tough Love Theory. Now if it works only time will tell.
If it protects you and your kids, it works, so it will work.
As for her... that's up to her, isn't it?
Yeah I suppose it is. Unfortunately there are a great deal of causalities in this battle and none of them deserve to be there. She either doesn't realize the total scope of her actions and how many people it's impacted or doesn't care. Either way she is going to have a lot of fences to mend once she gets her act together.
I'm wondering if she has gotten hooked on meth, too? That might explain some of her erratic behavior.
How did the conversation with FIL go?
Sorry for the delayed response there have been loads going on here. First, No She's not on drugs other then for depression and anxiety. She volunteered to take not one but multiple drug tests to verify she isn't hasn't and won't test positive.
Anyhow her aunt and cousin arrived for a visit and her aunt has lived through pretty much identically what I have been dealing with since I discovered it. She and her aunt talked at great length about everything that is and has occurred. She agrees that she needs to seek not only counseling but also to consult a psychiatrist about everything.
We talked last night for hours about everything and she finally broke down and cried and first time since this started I am beginning to see the woman I married reemerge. I'm not counting my chickens as I know its a long slow process but this was a very big and very positive step int he right direction. I'll keep you posted
Well yesterday was an interesting day. We actually went out as a family to shop for the kids for back to school clothes. She and I talked a good bit about things and she was apologetic about the situation and the toll it has taken on all of us.
She says her therapist his helping her realize some things. She still says she doesn't know if she wants to be married but knows she doesn't want to be divorced, which doesn't make any sense to me.
Still she is wanting to do more and more as a family. But is still talking to the OM.
Any suggestions?
She absolutely needs to stop talking to the OM. That is step one in any process to get a marriage back on track. If she doesn't want a divorce, she needs to do that. She also needs to get away from him because he is such bad news, even if they were just friends, given her previous behavior.
Let her know how encouraged you are by her improvements but do not back down on your demand that she stop all contact with him.
Good luck and stay doing what you can do for the kids. Now that school is going to start soon, you may want to let the teachers and school counselor know the situation, just in case the kids seem off during the school day. There are a lot of resources available to them to help the kids through any kind of traumatic experience.
Well folks after everything she decided last night she just doesn't want to be married to me anymore. She says she loves the OM and is moving on because we are "damaged beyond repair".
I appreciate everyone's wisdom and support, now all I can do is wait for the papers and get some closure.
I'm sorry crushed - hugs to you and your kids.
Luv
Well folks after everything she decided last night she just doesn't want to be married to me anymore. She says she loves the OM and is moving on because we are "damaged beyond repair".
I appreciate everyone's wisdom and support, now all I can do is wait for the papers and get some closure.
Sorry Crushed.