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Posted By: Awoken today was my d-day - 07/22/10 08:17 PM
Today I signed my divorce papers.

Of course it was nothing like I expected it would be. My wife (and she is still that until the judge signs off on the agreement), is on the other side of the country, and I've just been waiting to see if she would ever sign the papers. Yesterday, I got an email from my attorney saying that she had signed and that they were ready for me to come in and finish everything. I had a long lunch break today, so I headed over to the attorney's office and signed.

I guess I was expecting to be more upset; more emotionally invested today. Somehow, it was just another step in a long process I never wanted, a process that I'm now reluctantly embracing as I carefully imagine a new wonderful life for myself.

There were some emotions for me: mainly disbelief at where I was, that I was actually getting divorced. That I no longer understand or know this woman that I've called my best friends for almost two decades. I was a little shocked to see my mother-in-law's signature as witness, and wondering how much she approves of the divorce. Some relief too, and sadness as well. But none of it as deep as I expected. I guess some of this may hit me hard later on; I will ride it out.

I spent a lot of time last night thinking (don't we all!) about the past nine months. I've certainly not been a very good divorce buster, and it's likely that my marriage was never meant to be busted. I'll never know the details of what exactly went wrong. Still, this forum, my participation, and all the wonderful people here, have made a profound difference in my life. Even though I didn't save my marriage, I do think I'm coming out better off through my efforts here.
I could never say it enough: Thank you everyone.

For all of you that are new here, that are still deep in the struggle to save your marriages, may god bless you and your families.
Posted By: DanF Re: today was my d-day - 07/22/10 08:29 PM
Thanks Awoken and best of luck to you...take care of yourself.
Posted By: Number 8 Re: today was my d-day - 07/22/10 08:31 PM
This sounds like a tough day. Hugs to you.
Posted By: BeTheMan Re: today was my d-day - 07/22/10 08:43 PM
My day is coming Awoken. I pray that I will be able to handle it as well as you. Your 646 posts here is all the proof I need that you tried - and that means a lot!
Posted By: FindingMyVoice Re: today was my d-day - 07/22/10 09:13 PM
((((Awoken)))) from PG. I could never say enough thank yous to you too.
Posted By: WalkingMan Re: today was my d-day - 07/22/10 09:20 PM
Welcome to the club. It will only get better.
Posted By: Kalni Re: today was my d-day - 07/22/10 09:22 PM
Sorry it has come to this... Hugs,
K
Posted By: Serenity13 Re: today was my d-day - 07/22/10 10:12 PM
A~

My day is coming soon as well...I am so sorry my friend however I know you tried your very best to DB your marriage and you are right, some just aren't meant to be busted...However we are better people because of it, don't ever forget that.

(((((Hugs)))))

smile
Posted By: Awoken Re: today was my d-day - 07/23/10 01:04 AM
(((Hugs))) right back to you Serenity,

Yes, we are better people, and yet I've got a lot more work to do now.

I've been away for quite a while. I'll climb back into your thread and catch up, although I'm positive you are doing so well; always moving forward.

I was really curious, and surprised at how routine today's event was for me. In the past I imagined that signing the divorce agreement would be more catastrophic for me. I expected to need to prepare for the day, and then it suddenly arrived and now it's over. I'm unnerved by how calm and accepting I am of it all. I'm thankful for the peace I have; prayers do work. Yet, I'm wary of a future storm.
Posted By: Awoken Re: today was my d-day - 07/23/10 01:07 AM
Thank you so much Kalni; I'm sorry too. I did my best, and I'll hold my head up high now. I still got questions, but I'm gonna do my best to move forward.
Posted By: Awoken Re: today was my d-day - 07/23/10 01:10 AM
Thank you SgFan;

Welcome to the club indeed!
It's been one of those astonishing things to realize over the past 9 months, that so many people are divorced or in the process of pursing one. It's like when you are expecting your first child, and everywhere you see expecting couples.

During my first weeks here at DB, I was overwhelmed at how many people were here fighting for their marriages, and the constant flow of newcomers. Even today, after a long time away from the boards, it was a shock to see how many new people had started long threads. It's very sad, and yet this community is such a great thing.
Posted By: Awoken Re: today was my d-day - 07/23/10 01:11 AM
Thank you DanF and Number8! (((Hugs)))
Posted By: Awoken Re: today was my d-day - 07/23/10 01:15 AM
Originally Posted By: BeTheMan
My day is coming Awoken. I pray that I will be able to handle it as well as you.


When I started here, (and I can't believe it was 9 months ago), I thought I would lose all faith in god. It's been rough, but somehow when I needed strength the most it was always there. I've been surprised to discover that my faith has been strengthened rather than weakened by this overall experience. My son's as well.

I need to remember that and follow up on it!

Hang in there; you never know what will happen.
Posted By: Awoken Re: today was my d-day - 07/23/10 01:18 AM
Originally Posted By: FindingMyVoice
((((Awoken)))) from PG. I could never say enough thank yous to you too.


Thanks PG. (((hugs)))

I tried to navigate the menus here, but so far it's escaping me. So, did you change your login name here to FindingMyVoice?

I did hunt around for your threads this afternoon when I posted to see how you were doing, but didn't see anything for over 10+ pages.
Somehow, my watched threads are all gone too. I remember Gardener saying this had happened to him before as well. Maybe it's because I haven't been very active lately.

Anyway, please fill me in so I can find your threads and catch up.
Posted By: Gardener Re: today was my d-day - 07/23/10 01:56 AM
Awoken,
Originally Posted By: Awoken
Today I signed my divorce papers.
(((hugs)))
Originally Posted By: Awoken
...a process that I'm now reluctantly embracing as I carefully imagine a new wonderful life for myself.
Very well put. You've obviously put much thought into this.
Originally Posted By: Awoken
I'll never know the details of what exactly went wrong. Still, this forum, my participation, and all the wonderful people here, have made a profound difference in my life. Even though I didn't save my marriage, I do think I'm coming out better off through my efforts here.
I could never say it enough: Thank you everyone.
We'll never know. The hardest thing to accept - in the beginning at least. And the rest? I agree wholeheartedly. This forum, my participation, the good selfless people here - and this entire experience -have changed me to my core.
Originally Posted By: sgfan
It will only get better.
SO true. So true. Hang in there, Awoken. You'll see.
Originally Posted By: Serenity13
However we are better people because of it, don't ever forget that.
That's for sure!

The roller coaster will turn into a kiddie coaster. Just wait.

One of my best experiences in DB was meeting you. And the help and support you gave me. Hang in there. You'll be fine.

Hell, I was in court today with my X and I was just fine with it all. grin
It. Gets. Better.
Posted By: 12bar Re: today was my d-day - 07/23/10 02:15 AM
Awoken

I am so sorry, today must have been really tough. You have demonstrated a lot of strength and growth in your 9 months here and you helped a lot of other folks along the way.

Stay strong my friend, I wish nothing but the best for you as you move forward and away from this painful phase of your life
Posted By: FindingMyVoice Re: today was my d-day - 07/23/10 03:46 AM
Hi Awoken. More hugs are in order for you today, I think. So (((Awoken))). I'm really sorry about things turned out for you. I know you'll still have an amazing life, but I know this is not what you'd wanted. I'm here for you any time you need someone to listen.

Yes, last week I had a really rough day, and had an overwhelming sense that I had to get those threads removed. I was able to get the admin to take care of it. I have to run, I'll be back soon. Again, more hugs. Take care. PG.
Posted By: FindingMyVoice Re: today was my d-day - 07/23/10 04:09 AM
...sorry, lost my privacy there for a moment. Anyways, I had the threads removed because I began fearing having so many personal details online. I hope you keep posting on how you're doing this week? Will keep checking in. PG.
Posted By: FindingMyVoice Re: today was my d-day - 07/23/10 04:12 AM
12bar!!! How the heck are you my friend? Hugs to you too, today. PG
Posted By: Gardener Re: today was my d-day - 07/23/10 10:43 AM
FMV,
Originally Posted By: FindingMyVoice
...sorry, lost my privacy there for a moment. Anyways, I had the threads removed because I began fearing having so many personal details online. I hope you keep posting on how you're doing this week? Will keep checking in. PG.
How did you/how does one contact the mods?
Thanks.
Posted By: FindingMyVoice Re: today was my d-day - 07/23/10 11:47 AM
Originally Posted By: Gardener
How did you/how does one contact the mods?
Thanks.

Morning, Gardener, I went through the 'contact us' hyperlink - at the top of the page beside 'online community'. I was actually rather surprised to hear that it isn't such an easy process. Initially I had just assumed that 'what goes up can come down' but I guess it isn't so simple. So I was grateful for their assistance. Hope all is well with you, Gardener. Take care.
Posted By: FindingMyVoice Re: today was my d-day - 07/26/10 03:15 AM
Hi Awoken, just wanted to check in and say hello; see how you've been managing for the last couple of days. Have been hoping you've been able to feel what you've needed to without becoming overwhelmed. Have you been in touch with your sister, to let her know what's been going on? I know you'd mentioned some time ago that you'd been able to reconnect and confide in her, and that her support had brought you a lot of strength and comfort. Take care, PG. (ahhh...signed my 'PG' without even thinking about it... I guess I'll always be a prairie girl at heart) smile
Posted By: luvless Re: today was my d-day - 07/27/10 01:25 AM
I can't tell you how much I felt your post. I'm right behind you and feeling for you.

I too don't know what happened to my friend of two decades but I have to believe all of this is happening for a reason...it's all we/I have.

Take care my friend.

Luv
Posted By: Gardener Re: today was my d-day - 07/27/10 02:25 AM
Awoken, how are you doing?

Luv,
Originally Posted By: luvless
I too don't know what happened to my friend of two decades...
Ain't it the truth. (sigh) frown
Posted By: TulsaTime Re: today was my d-day - 07/27/10 03:00 AM
Sorry bro...
Posted By: Sister Re: today was my d-day - 08/04/10 05:46 AM
He's having a tough time. My name tells you - I'm the sister he's reconnected with. I'm hoping some of you can find him in the .alt and help him out. I just don't have the same experience/perspective that you have to help him through this.

I think this place is a little too depressing for him right now, so maybe off site he will respond better. I'm hoping...
Posted By: FindingMyVoice Re: today was my d-day - 08/04/10 02:34 PM
Originally Posted By: Sister
He's having a tough time. My name tells you - I'm the sister he's reconnected with.

Oh!!! Sister, I hadn't realized! (I'm prairiegirl by the way). Thank you for letting us know - I've been keeping an eye on it to see if he'd update and have been concerned for him ... I'm sure there's lots of others here too, who feel the same. I can't go on the .alt but maybe Gardener might be able to ... let me see if I can track him down.

I've posted my thread below in case he wants to connect - it's in Piecing. And Awoken's support has a lot to do with why it's now in piecing; so I feel so sad to hear he's struggling - if there's any way to, please send him my support?

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2047520#Post2047520
Posted By: FindingMyVoice Re: today was my d-day - 08/04/10 02:45 PM
[Hi again, Sister. I just found Gardener's thread and left him a post there with Awoken's link. I do hope they're able to connect. Thank you again for letting us all know.]

Hugs to you both, from PG.
Posted By: Sister Re: today was my d-day - 08/04/10 03:13 PM
Thanks PG. Awoken does pretty good when he has the kids, but his weeks alone are not so good. He's struggling with his communication issues with the X (It's all done except the Judge's hammer, I think.) and what he perceives as her anger and hatefulness.

He also just found out that his X Father-in-law has colon cancer, so both of them have a new tragedy to deal with. He grieves the loss of her family as well as the marriage as he feels he can't reach out to him now.

I'm hoping Gardener will connect with him. I know he's in the alt. and has some perspectives that might help him.
Posted By: FindingMyVoice Re: today was my d-day - 08/04/10 03:24 PM
Originally Posted By: Sister
He's struggling with his communication issues with the X (It's all done except the Judge's hammer, I think.) and what he perceives as her anger and hatefulness.

Sister, has he seen his IC? He'd mentioned some time ago that his sessions seemed to help.

Originally Posted By: Sister
He also just found out that his X Father-in-law has colon cancer, so both of them have a new tragedy to deal with. He grieves the loss of her family as well as the marriage as he feels he can't reach out to him now.

Oh, how sad. I'm so sorry to hear this. They'll all be in my prayers.

Originally Posted By: Sister
I'm hoping Gardener will connect with him. I know he's in the alt. and has some perspectives that might help him.

Oh me too. I'm so sorry I can't go there. I'm afraid of friending someone from here, whom my H doesn't know in case it raises questions. Again, I'm so sorry. frown Is there any way I can help otherwise - a supportive letter to him in my thread? to keep bumping his thread in hopes some of his old friends here see he needs help? - I so wish I could help. frown
Posted By: botanygirl Re: today was my d-day - 08/04/10 04:27 PM
Awoken,

I don't know you and I don't really know your story but I am sending you my hugs and best wishes.

I think it is normal to have that lack of emotion at the end of it all b/c you have been through so much. You get to a point where you are just going through the motions and you become numb to everything around you. I know that is where I am right now.

You know that it will only get better from here and if you want to meet someone who loves you unconditionally and gives you the respect you deserve it will happen. There is someone out there for you. Or this may not be what you want. This may be the being of your journey to find yourself and figure out who you are as an individual. In any case there are sunny skies ahead for you. You have been through the storm and now you get to relax in the sun.

The road forward will not be straight, as I am sure you know. There are going to be lots of bumps along the way and you will get knocked down but in the end you will get up and you will be further ahead by the end of it all. It doesn't make it easier to know this but it does make it less surprising when it happens.

You never know what your ex will do eventually. Perhaps one day she will tell you the information you need to know. She may tell you and let you understand why your marriage didn't work and she may get to a point where she can answer your questions.

I strongly believe that when my marriage is completely over and he is out of my life that he will come back one day and tell me it was the biggest mistake that he ever made. I hope that he will finally one day admit to me that it wasn't me that made him unhappy but that he was unhappy with himself and he just put all the blame on me. I have to hold onto the hope that oneday he will come to this realization.

I don't think at this point that I will ever go back to him b/c what he has done is so damaging and I think now I am in one of those marriages that can't be DB'd. If you want to feel better about yourself read my story....I truly believe that it can't get any worse than what I have been through....it is so bad that I almost have to laugh about it now!!!

Anyway my thoughts and prayers are with you.

BG
Posted By: FindingMyVoice Re: today was my d-day - 08/04/10 10:29 PM
Originally Posted By: Sister
He's having a tough time. My name tells you - I'm the sister he's reconnected with. I'm hoping some of you can find him in the .alt and help him out. I just don't have the same experience/perspective that you have to help him through this.

I think this place is a little too depressing for him right now, so maybe off site he will respond better. I'm hoping...

bump

Hi again sister, sorry to see that so many of his old friends here, weren't around today - flowmom, Serenity, luvless, 12bar, r22 (how kind of BG to post though!) - hopefully someone's caught him on the alt.

I'm just getting ready to leave work for the day, but I'll bump the thread up again in the morning; maybe others here can help with the same, or leave a positive, supportive message here for him ... Take care. PG.

PS - oh! 12bar was by my thread last night; I'll leave a message there for him too; maybe he'll be by again tonight and see it.
Posted By: Gardener Re: today was my d-day - 08/05/10 02:59 AM
Kevin,
I hear you're having a bad time right now. I understand. I also hear you're staying away from these boards a bit because they can be depressing at times. You're right, they are at times. (so many good, decent people in deep pain) I take a break every now and then, myself (just did, as a matter of fact).

When you and I met at your NYC gig, We clicked (even though we both agreed I monopolized the conversation! blush ) I have your cd. I listen to it often because it is good, you are talented and I always think when listening, "hey I know that guy!"

The hardest part is the kids. I know. I went through it once when my sons were 14 and 11. And today, when my stepkids who I was devoted to for almost twenty years have shut me out.

My sons shut me out for a while the first time. X kept telling me, "they'll be back." They came back. Why? Because full-time, pre-D and part time post D, I was the best d@mned Dad I could be. In challenging moments, I would take a deep breath and tell myself two things: 1) "You are not raising two children; you are raising two men." 2) "What kind of relationship do you want to have with them years from now when they are men?" Act accordingly."

Today, my two sons, 31 and 34 are the two closest relationships in my life.

It works out.
Trust me.

Just looked at my cell phone and saw that I do have your number from that night in NYC . I will call you early tomorrow evening.

Peace,
Posted By: 12bar Re: today was my d-day - 08/07/10 05:58 AM
Hey Awoken

Just wanted to say that I know this is a really hard time you are going through but a lot of folks here have you in their prayers. You are moving through a very tough spot in your life but you will move through it and come out the other side as a happy person and a great father. You will always know that you did right by your values and your children to fight hard for your M.

I have been away from the boards since April because it can become depressing to be here. Take the time to heal and come back and update whenever you are ready. You are strong and you will make it through this.

Take Care - 12
Posted By: Awoken Re: today was my d-day - 08/17/10 08:51 PM
again, I return to the boards, and I'm touched by the wellspring of support here. Thank you to everyone. I'm not sure why I haven't been checking in, except that I've just felt overwhelmed.

I did receive some very meaningful support in the .alt.

I think I'm ready to regroup; and get back to the work I need to do. I'll be back and post more when I have time. I'm finding that I'm missing our community here. This is really a very special place.
Posted By: FindingMyVoice Re: today was my d-day - 08/18/10 01:03 AM
Hi Awoken, glad to see you're feeling more on top of things, and got the support you needed. Take care.
Posted By: luvless Re: today was my d-day - 08/18/10 04:35 AM
(((((Awoken)))))))

you are a good man. there is a lucky girl out there.....
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