I could use some input here. My wife told me that if i wanted a chance to fix things she needed space to think and wanted me to "move some of my stuff" out of the house on 2/28/10. I took enough things to get me by. About 2 weeks into the separation I got the following email: (I think it’s only fair for you to know how I’m feeling. I can not find one ounce of trust or forgiveness in my body and I’m not sure that I really want to. If I wasn’t pregnant I would be pursuing a divorce now. So I just want you to be prepared for that outcome this fall. I want to remain totally civil to each other and I would like to try to work out the details of separating things so that we will both be happy. I know this is not what you wanted to hear but this is how is has to be. This doesn’t mean that you can’t come see Son in the evenings or mornings anymore, I just wanted you to know how I feel.)
This is pretty much still where we are at now 3 mts later. I was just throwing this out here looking for some honest opinions / feedback as to if anyone thinks its possible be given the gift of a possible R after an extended amount time of the BS not wanting that to happen at all?
Im guessing that the pros are going to ask for a bit of backstory here as you have left out alot of information.
What happened to cause her to have these feelings? Have you done anything to rectify that? Have you read DR/DB yet?
"feedback as to if anyone thinks its possible be given the gift of a possible R after an extended amount time of the BS not wanting that to happen at all?"
Anything is possible, but there are no guarentees to anything in life. And Im almost 100% certain everyone here would tell you the same thing. It kind of all boils down to the end when things dont turn out/do turn out the way we want them that we know deep inside that we gave everything.
I was introduced to my wife by her father 8/24/01. Prior to that I had been in a 5 year long relationship that ended in the summer of 2000. In between that time I was a broken individual, I allowed myself to become sexually involved with a married former friend. I knew that it was wrong, but I didn't do better. I was trying to end this and then I met my wife and it did end then. My wife and I fell in love, we were head over heals. Then the bomb dropped. OW finds out she is pregnant and eludes that child might be mine. (Finally found out for sure from her in summer of 2009 that child is not mine) Before wife and I got married on 6/26/04 I told her what had been going on. Looking back I realized this changed our relationship forever b/c we never really dealt with things, just kept moving on with the plans we had made-marriage children ect. FF to Feb 2007. OW contacts me to "congradulate" me on wife being pregnant. Should have never took that call. She re-dangled the O child at me. We had some sporatic communication and she became my "friend" again. My marriage was not what I would call perfect and my wife and I basically just kept plugging along, but started living like roomates. That's what allowed the OW to become my "friend" again. As I said it was sporatic communication that started to increase until 3/09/09. That was the day that my wife found cell records that I had been talking to OW alot more than sporatic. We had become "best friends" we thought. Wife tells me no more communication whatsoever. I agree b/c I love my wife and want to make it work. Then the next bomb hits. OW plays suicide card on me and I fall for it. At first I don't believe she is, but I do research and realize she has all the signs that you can find on the net that she is serious about this. Well I have already messed up b/c I was to have no contact of wife was done, but now it is worse b/c I cant live with a suicide on my shoulders. I keep thinking that this will go away with time and actually it only gets worse. OW knows that I am hosed at home if I come clean and ditch her, and I'm hosed if she does harm herself. I'm in a corner and the only thing I can think to do is to try to keep her happy and hopefully she will give up and move on if i keep breaking promises to her. Finally I cant stand doing this to my wife, son and unborn child anymore and I come clean to her on 2/25/10. I did enough to sink my own ship that I didn't need any help, but to make matters worse OW fabricated stories to make the EA into a PA and my wife believes them. There was no sex involved and wife believes this, but OW says there was oral sex and wife believes this. One day after I sent NC letter to OW she came to my work and told me "you do know that your wife believes everything I tell her" and gave me that look that she would stop at nothing to ruin my life. I actually have one email left from her says that she is going to hurt me throught my wife, hurt me through my son, and hurt me through her and I would be hearing more about it as the night went on (suicide that I stopped by telling her sister). I think that catches everyone up to my original post and the mess I made.
One suggestion...
Break up your story with paragraphs. I couldn't read that whole block of text.
Sorry I'll try to fix that. Thanks
Looks like I cant go back and edit my post any longer. Sorry I was rambling and just wrapped up in getting my story out to you guys.
I forgot to add that I am totally tranparent, been in IC and trying to dig deep into what was/is wrong with me that I allowed myself to do this. I have had some light bulb moment. I know our marriage could never be the same as it was and to be perfectly honest I don't want the same marriage. I want a better one. I know now that marriage needs to be about giving and I was a taker. I also know that our marriage was sabatoged by me in the beginning.
I just know I need help or my marriage will end in D shortly after the birth of my second child if something doesn't change. I am trying everything I can think of, but what I'm doing isn't working and I need help so bad. I miss my wife, I miss holding her hand, I miss her warming her feet on my back, I miss talking to her, I miss the life we should be having together.
copy & paste it into the reply box & then edit it
The question is, 'How to fix ten years of lyin' and cheatin' on your wife in a couple months?'
Ya'll think we just give out the secret information for nothin' around here?
Tell us more about this other woman first. Give us some details about her personal life so we can understand why she is so dead set on destroying yours.
What's your allure?
What makes you so special that women will commit suicide if you are not going to text them while your in the bathroom?
Define
"best friends"Honestly, no hanky panky, no kissin' or cuddling?
You were just in it for the intimate emotional connection with someone you possibly created a child with, behind your wife's back?
no drunk quickie, you're regretting?
You ever tell her you wished the child was yours?
Let us understand this demon first.
I was introduced to my wife by her father 8/24/01. Prior to that I had been in a 5 year long relationship that ended in the summer of 2000. In between that time I was a broken individual, I allowed myself to become sexually involved with a married former friend. I knew that it was wrong, but I didn't do better. I was trying to end this and then I met my wife and it did end then.
My wife and I fell in love, we were head over heals. Then the bomb dropped. OW finds out she is pregnant and eludes that child might be mine. (Finally found out for sure from her in summer of 2009 that child is not mine) Way before wife and I got married on 6/26/04 I told her what had been going on. Looking back I realized this changed our relationship forever b/c we never really dealt with things, just kept moving on with the plans we had made-marriage children ect.
FF to Feb 2007. OW contacts me to "congradulate" me on wife being pregnant. Should have never took that call. She re-dangled the O child at me. We had some sporatic communication and she became my "friend" again. My marriage was not what I would call perfect and my wife and I basically just kept plugging along, but started living like roomates. That's what allowed the OW to become my "friend" again. As I said it was sporatic communication that started to increase until 3/09/09.
That was the day that my wife found cell records that I had been talking to OW alot more than sporatic. We had become "best friends" we thought. Wife tells me no more communication whatsoever. I agree b/c I love my wife and want to make it work. Then the next bomb hits.
OW plays suicide card on me and I fall for it. At first I don't believe she is, but I do research and realize she has all the signs that you can find on the net that she is serious about this. Well I have already messed up b/c I was to have no contact or wife was done, but now it is worse b/c I cant live with a suicide on my shoulders.
I keep thinking that this will go away with time and actually it only gets worse. OW knows that I am hosed at home if I come clean and ditch her, and I'm hosed if she does harm herself. I'm in a corner and the only thing I can think to do is to try to keep her happy and hopefully she will give up and move on if i keep breaking promises to her. Finally I cant stand doing this to my wife, son and unborn child anymore and I come clean to her on 2/25/10.
I did enough to sink my own ship that I didn't need any help, but to make matters worse OW fabricated stories to make the EA into a PA and my wife believes them. There was no sex involved and wife believes this, but OW says there was oral sex and wife believes this. One day after I sent NC letter to OW she came to my work and told me "you do know that your wife believes everything I tell her" and gave me that look that she would stop at nothing to ruin my life.
I actually have one email left from her says that she is going to hurt me throught my wife, hurt me through my son, and hurt me through her and I would be hearing more about it as the night went on (suicide that I stopped by telling her sister). I think that catches everyone up to my original post and the mess I made.
Edited for easier reading.
McQueen:
I never really realized that I was a liar and cheater for 10 yrs. I had felt I had been for the last couple years, but you are right and it is a horrible realization, but I need to realize it.
On the O- She is very much like me. Spoiled and used to getting what she wants. Her and I were always good friends since HS. We live in a small, very small community where everyone knows everyone and everyone knows our story. Her H and I were close friends at one time also. I believe she was truely unhappy in her marriage and it stemmed from feelings she had had for me since we were in HS and she never acted on them.
I have no idea what in the hell is so special about me to her. I have always been a freind to her and would listen and talk to her. Maybe that is what drew her to me? I really don't know.
We only thought we were best friends. Friends don't ruin other friends marriages.
There was phone sex and she wanted to meet for sex and I agreed to (was never going to) but I always canceled on her with some excuse hoping that it would finally go away-dumb idea. I have not had sex with her since prior to meeting my wife.
No I never wished this child was mine, I was affraid that someday it would come out that is was and it would blind side me. That is really why I was in contact with her originally after meeting my wife. I didn't want new wife to have to deal with an O child. OW actually told me prior to my wife and I getting married that she would give daughter up if I would not marry wife and be with her b/c I said I didn't think I could be a stepfather. I was trying to draw her out to see if she'd say that I wouldn't be a stepfather (that it was mine) or something to that effect.
I could really use some good advice my friends
We only thought we were best friends. Friends don't ruin other friends marriages.
There was phone sex and she wanted to meet for sex and I agreed to (was never going to) but I always canceled on her with some excuse hoping that it would finally go away-dumb idea. I have not had sex with her since prior to meeting my wife.
No, no, no!!!!
Friends DON'T HAVE PHONE SEX or make dates to have SEX.. Even if you didn't go through with it, this is WRONG!!!!
You cannot be friends with this OW. THAT IS A NO NO!
I'm hurting for your wife. I think she needs to have her time. She is very vulnerable right now and her emotions are raging.
She should be laughing and enjoying her pregnancy, instead, she is thinking her marriage to you was a sham and she is now trying to figure out her plan for when this baby comes. You took that from her by your stupidity!
I'm sorry but I can't help but empathize with her right now. You did a sh!tty thing by NOT being honest with her from the get-go. Let me let you in on a little secret. People who truly want to kill themselves, DO IT. They don't play the suicide card. What OW was doing was PLAYING YOU. I'm sorry if I am coming off harsh but it is what it is.
Give your wife time to heal from this betrayal.
You need to work on yourself and man up to what you've done wrong here and you need to do some serious work on your part before expecting your wife to come back.
Oh believe me I know/knew it was wrong. I don't know wtf I was thinking.
I was actually saying we thought we were friends, what we were was cheaters. I have had no contact w/OW since middle of March. I want no contact with her. I am glad that my double life is over, I wanted it to be over b4 I got cought the 1st time, but I didn't have the balls to come clean then and face the music. I only dug a deeper whole to keep her satisfied. That's when the phone sex started and agreeing to meet. (At the time she didn't actually say meet for sex, but I knew why she wanted to me).
I know we both should be so excited and sharing the birth of our second child and celebrating that new life. My actions have totally messed up our family and I will regret this until my dying day.
She new about the situation before we got engaged, so she wasn't totally blind sided, but blind sided for the last 3 years.
I do realize that she was playing me about suicide to some extent. I did some research and asked questions that you can find on suicide prevention sites and had answers that pointed to "don't leave this person alone." She had went far enought with the "play" that her husband found notes she left for her 3 girls. So stupid me chose to error on the safe side and instead I could loose so much. Enough about her though. What I did was wrong, point blank.
I have been digging deep in my past to see what in the world clicked in my brain that let me think that this was and "ok" behavior/actions. I have been in IC, I'm an open book.
I might add that my wife's father is my best friend. Look how bad I fd up such a good thing.
You don't need to do any research.. The time you used in doing research for this OW, should have been spent on your WIFE. if you were that concerned, then you should have either called OWH or dialed 9-1-1 and had the police go to her home and you should have told your wife about this from the getgo.
The reason why you didn't say anything is because deep down inside you knew this was wrong. Had you not, you would have had nothing to hide. does that make sense?
You need to be transparent to your wife and you need to be honest with her.
Sometimes people think that by lying or denying someone the truth, that it'll make it better. well I will tell you that that is just hogwash. It makes it worse.
So your wife wants time now, right?
Have you had ANY contact with her? how was your last interaction with her?
I know I totally handled things all wrong. I am in total agreement with you. I should have dialed 911. And the reason why I didn't is (you are right again) I new it was wrong and was I over my head.
I am totally transparent. She knows everything and I have been honest. The OW has painted a picture that makes me look worse that the truth does. There are a few details that she believes the OW over me and they are damning details. (It is the OW way of getting even with me, I understand that and I new that that is what she meant when she told me that "You know your wife believes everything I tell her don't you?") I came clean to my wife 2/25/10. I had to, I could no longer live w/what I was doing to her. She deserved better and I told on myself.
No she wanted time in the beginning, but now she wants a D after baby is born. (Our state won't allow D while pregnant).
Yes we are in contact daily. She is totally awesome about allowing me back in the house to spend the evenings with my son. We recently celebrated his 3rd BD our families together. We (her, her folks, and I) just repainted the entire exterrior of our house. On Memorial Day we had a weenie roast (that's what son wanted to do with the stick he's been collecting from the yard) with our families and some friends. Maybe I should post an email she sent me:
I COULD USE SOME HELP HERE. MY WIFE TOLD ME THAT IF I WANTED A CHANCE TO FIX THINGS SHE NEEDED SPACE TO THINK AND WANTED ME TO "MOVE SOME OF MY STUFF" OUT OF THE HOUSE 2/28/09. I TOOK ENOUGH THINGS WITH ME TO GET BY. ABOUT 2 WEEKS INTO THE SEPARATION I GOT THIS EMAIL:
(I think it’s only fair for you to know how I’m feeling. I can not find one ounce of trust or forgiveness in my body and I’m not sure that I really want to. If I wasn’t pregnant I would be pursuing a divorce now. So I just want you to be prepared for that outcome this fall. I want to remain totally civil to each other and I would like to try to work out the details of separating things so that we will both be happy. I know this is not what you wanted to hear but this is how is has to be. This doesn’t mean that you can’t come see Son in the evenings or mornings anymore, I just wanted you to know how I feel.)
TO MAKE A VERY LONG STORY SHORT THIS IS STILL WHERE WE ARE AT DESPITE MY EFFORTS TO BE TOTALLY TRANSPARENT, SHOW HER HOW SORRY & REMORSEFUL I AM AND HOW MUCH I REGRET THE PAIN AND HURT AND EMBARRASEMENT I HAVE CAUSED HER, OUR FAMILY, AND OUR FAMILIES (WE LIVE IN A VERY SMALL TOWN THAT KNOWS THE WHOLE STORY OR SOME VERSION OF IT. BOTH OUR PARENTS LIVE ON THE SAME STREET AS WE DO. HER FATHER IS MY BEST FRIEND NEXT TO MY WIFE), BE CONSISTENT, CONTINUE TO DO LOVING THINGS AND BE LOVING, TOTALLY HAVE NO CONTACT WITH OW AND HAVE FOLLOWED THE STEPS IN "HOW TO GAIN FORGIVENESS AND RESPECT AFTER YOUR AFFAIR" BY KATIE COSTON. I MISS MY WIFE SO MUCH. SHE IS VERY CIVIL AND MATTER OF FACT, NOT HATEFUL AT ALL, SHE JUST HAS THIS PLAN FOR THE END OF OUR MARRIAGE THAT I DON'T WANT. I KNOW OUR OLD MARRIAGE IS OVER, BUT I WANT A NEW ONE WITH HER AND AM TRYING TO SHOW HER THAT I CAN BE THE HUSBAND THAT SHE DESERVES AND I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE. HOW DO I HELP HER HEAL, BEGIN TO TRUST ME AGAIN, AND FIND SOME TINY BIT OF FORGIVENESS SO THAT WE CAN GET OFF THE PATH LEADING TO DIVORCE AND ON TO A PATH LEADING TOWARDS RECONCILING?
So glad that you had the courage to come here. I hope you realize that the majority here are LBS and whenever they read a story such as yours they naturally want to lash out. Truth be known, even some WAS might let you have it, also. But I hope you will stay here until you get the advice you need in order for you to be able to clean up your life and do what's best for your W and children.
It's so tragic that we don't really see what a treasure we have until it leaves us. I think that might be the case with you. Would you say that you took your W for granted? She must have really trusted you for you to get by for so long before she found out about you & OW. Would you say that when your W actually left you that that is when you knew you wanted "her" above anyone or anything else?
You may get frustrated with questions that will come your way, but it helps us to understand your stitch better.
Tell us how you have been dealing with the separation. Have you been pursuing your W, trying to talk her into going back to you? Based on the information so far, my thinking is that you need to back away from your W. Don't put any pressure on her at all. Do the two of you have a visitation set up for your child? If you don't, then you need to come to an agreement about that. Then you need not to contact her unless it is concerning him. Everytime you contact her that puts pressure on her.
It will be hard, and scary, for you to leave her alone, but she will need "time" to prove that you are not involved with the OW. Also the OW needs to know that you do not want her (OW) when you are not in a R. She gets her jollies by knowing she is controling your life so she must find out the truth.....that you would not have her even if you were not married!
It may take a divorce for both women to decide that you do not want the OW and that you truly want your family together. Your W is very hurt and terrible vulnerable now, so she may go through with the D, but people have gotten together after a D. Has she filed yet?
Is the OW still going around your W? If she is, I'd be concerned about that. Makes me think of "Fatal Attraction".
Whatever you do....DO NOT contact the OW. Break all communication with her once and for all.
Explain to us how your wife and the married OW are contacting each other.
I still think your story and explanations sound a bit suspect.
You are actually blaming the OW as if it was ALL her that was doing the pursuing. I don't buy that one bit. No sex? I don't buy that either. How can you expect your wife to buy that?
The reason this stopped is because you got CAUGHT and your wife did what people on THIS site should do when their spouse is in an affair... TELL them they need time to think and tell them to leave. Wakes you up FAST doesn't it?
I think you are concocting this story on here and leaving out YOUR big part in this phone sex, best friendship and a host of other things so that we will help you to get your wife back. I think you need to come totally clean here first. I don't know how your wife will buy this stuff if an unknown stranger like me doesn't buy it.
Sandi: I completely understand the need to lash out.I will not be run off, I have made a mess and i want to clean it up and try to right the wrongs i have done.
Yes I would say that I took her for granted. I will not say that she trusted me. She was constantly checking up on me. She didn't actually leave, she asked me to, but no I knew for a long time prior to dday that I wanted her. Just couldn't figure out how to get rid of OW.
I don't mind the questions b/c I truely want the help.
We have had 2 or 3 conversations that she started about being done. I do not bring it up. I am just trying to show her i love her by doing. Telling her I love her seems like empty words, I feel I need to show her I love her. I don't pressure her. Last night i spent the night in our house at her request. She was gone on a meeting and wanted me to baby sit the dog. Our visitation is pretty loose. She allows me to come to our house in the mornings to help get son ready. After work she usually goes to her parent house for supper and I wait for her to text that they are home. That is my invitation to come up and spend time with son until bedtime. Tonight we both gave him a bath. We are trying to keep it normal as can be for him. Weekends are a whatever works for the both b/c I farm also and son goes with me some and stays with mom some. (fyi I stay with my folks right now. Our house, my folks house, and in laws house is all on the same street in a town of 300 people.) There is some phone and email contact both ways. So you think this should cease?
I am 98% sure that wife knows I have not contacted OW. I think the OW may just be waiting until I D and then she thinks I will come seek her out. I am sure this was the motivation for her to talk to my wife.
No she hasn't filed yet. In our state you can file, but it cant be finalized while she is pregnant.
No I don't think she is talking to my wife anymore.
NC has been maintained and will be maintained.
GL
We no longer are in contact with her that i know of (i know i am not!). Ow and wife would talk on phone and email. Wife used my email to do some fishing also and wife had me get OW on phone so she could listen to our conversation.
I will be glad to explain what you feel is suspect.
No I am just at guilty as she is. The thing is she was serious and I was leading her on. I was leading her on out of fear. Fear that I couldn't get out of the situation w/out wife finding out. So the longer I controlled the situation the hope was still there that eventually OW would give up due to broken promises by me. Not real clear thinking, but that's what i was thinking.
Yes there was NO Sex. I was am a creep and i betrayed my wife but i drew my line that I would not do that to her. No way no how. You may not believe me about this and you aren't the only one that doesn't. But my wife believes that (sorta b/c she believes that OW gave me oral).
No it stopped b/c I stopped it. This is not something I'm proud of but I'll tell you it anyway. In the mornings while i was showering wife would be getting ready in the same bathroom. I would be looking at her getting ready and be thinking wtf are you doing to her, wtf are you doing to your son, wtf are you doing to #2 that's on the way. Then the gagging would start. This was making me almost vomit. Wife wanted to know why I was gagging b/c she was the one supposed to be having morning sickness. I'm not telling you this for pity, I'm telling you this b/c i am sincere. I knew i was fn up and I didn't know how to stop it.
This is not a concoction. This is my life. This is the mess i have made of my life. I'm not denying I had phone sex, I'm not denying I led her on. I'm not denying I had an affair. The best friendship is a term i used above very loosely.
I'm clean. What do I have to gain by lying to you guys? Everyone is entitled to their own opinion and I respect yours. I don't intend to offend anyone on this site. The truth sets us free. Coming clean to my wife lifted the weight off my shoulders that had been this doulble life brought me.
No I am just at guilty as she is. The thing is she was serious and I was leading her on. I was leading her on out of fear.
This is the kind of thing I am talking about.. Drop the "just as guilty as she is" and take responsibility all on your own. "I AM GUILTY AND I AM WRONG"
I don't believe you were leading her on out of fear. Yes, I do believe you had fear. Fear of getting caught. However, I believe the lust and phone sex and having a woman that thinks you are "all that" was driving this more than you will admit. I have been around the block. I am a man. Sex is a powerful draw to a man. It is easier for you to say now that it was out of fear. Of course you were in fear. Fear of getting caught. Now you can use that to say it was fear that kept you in it... Justification.
What do I have to gain by lying to you guys?
People lie to get others to tell them what they want to hear.
It happens all the time on this site. You SHOULD be questioned.
You admit you have a pattern of lying to your wife and not being honest with the OW. Why would I just up and believe you now?
I have seen it many many times that a WS justs keeps sticking to the lie. "I know you caught us in bed naked together honey, but HONESTLY, it was a coincidence. You are just being paranoid honey, we are only friends. I can't believe you don't trust me"
AND I see it over and over and over that the BS WANTS to believe the wayward. They actually argue with those of us on here trying to help them. Go read SOTR's thread and you can see exactly what I am talking about. His wife is LIVING with her ex husband and SOTR is doing everything in his power to convince himself that it is INNOCENT. All the while tellng us that he isn't rationalizing.
So, THAT is what you have to gain. If you stick to the lie and keep on sticking to it, then you WILL get others to believe you at some point. Those other people will then take your side and try to help you. I think the fact is that you wife may never believe you in the deepest recesses of her heart. I think she would always secretly wonder. That makes it difficult to trust. NOT ONLY THAT, but you did have phone sex. I don't see much difference in phone sex than in having actual physical sex. It is still unfaithful. Unfaithful is unfaithful. You seem to want to say..'Yea I did have phone sex, but at LEAST I didn't have physical sex. As if that makes it a tad more righteous. I don't think it does.
I think your best chance to get your wife to reconcile is to say to her..."Honey I was wrong and I don't blame you one bit for not believing me and I don't blame you one bit for wanting a divorce. I would feel the same way if this happened to me. I just want you to know that I am wrong and am deeply sorry for what I put you through and I WILL give you the space that you asked for."
And THEN do exactly that. And then let her slowly come to you. Keep to the story of "I was wrong and I don't blame you" Then leave it at that as you stay steady and in the background but leaving her alone as she goes through her emotions.
that's a good start. continue.
help me to understand this:
OW actually told me prior to my wife and I getting married that she would give daughter up if I would not marry wife and be with her b/c I said I didn't think I could be a stepfather. I was trying to draw her out to see if she'd say that I wouldn't be a stepfather (that it was mine) or something to that effect.
She was willing to "give up" a two year old child if you would not marry your girlfriend. She was married at this time or did they get divorced after the pregnancy? Your "former" friend, her husband, did he question the pregnancy? I assume he found out about you?
By putting this infant up for adoption<?> she expected to have a life with you? So you were in contact with her all along? What were you saying to her that her convince your companionship was worth more than a child?
Finally found out for sure from her in summer of 2009 that child is not mine
Timing must have been very suspicious to have you concerned for 8 years. You had a DNA paternity test or is she going by the idea that the girls feet look more like the husbands than yours?
Here's a time line synopsis of some major events you have told us about in the past 3 years
* Feb 2007. OW contacts me to "congradulate" me on wife being pregnant.
* We had some sporatic communication and she became my "friend" again.
* it was sporatic communication that started to increase until 3/09/09.
* That was the day that my wife found cell records that I had been talking to OW alot more than sporatic.
* OW plays suicide card on me and I fall for it.
* the only thing I can think to do is to try to keep her happy and hopefully she will give up and move on if i keep breaking promises to her.
* I come clean to her on 2/25/10.
* "MOVE SOME OF MY STUFF" OUT OF THE HOUSE 2/28/09.
* ABOUT 2 WEEKS INTO THE SEPARATION I GOT THIS EMAIL
* had no contact w/OW since middle of March.
2 years of sporadic phone communication then another year, and even after your wife kicks you out of the house you are still talking to her. "alot more than sporatic" were your words. You two must have talked about alot. "best friends" you said. The two of you must have talked about everything. How were you "keeping her happy?"
You liked her. You liked her a lot, or else you would not have been sneaking off the meet up with her. So, tell us about her. Does she work, What does she do, ever been arrested, history of mental illness? How hard is her life? She got other boyfriends? Like to hang out in the bar and drink? Fishing? She like NASCAR? Is she really girlie? cute? Whats her favorite country singer?
Tell me more about her so I can gauge where she is coming from? If she is "fabricating" stories and telling you she is giving up kids that just got done suckling off her breasts and are now calling her mamma, she wants something from you, or you made plans and she was expecting you to come through, what was so special about your relationship with her? You must have done her wrong, how?
I find it hard to believe a man and a woman can become "best friends" talking on the phone. I find it even harder to believe in a town of 300 people over the period of 3 years the two of you never met up? What did you two do when you ran into each other in town, pretend like you didn't know each other, and make a little hand signal of call me later? Then commiserate that you cant be together? What did you do when you got lonely, or your wife was too tired from a day and night of taking care of the boy to take care of you? phone sex?
She's got you by the balls; You are throwing you because you are breaking promises to her? There is something you are scared of that is bigger then phone sex and a BJ, what is it?
Two weeks after you moved out you got the I'm done letter. You're wife knows doesn't she? It would really help if you told us the whole story.
I know what I have done was wrong and I am quilty of every ounce of that. By saying I was just as quilty as she was I was only answering your statement about quit trying to blame the OW for 100%. But you are correct, it is all my fault because I let it happen and I was a willing participant.
I will disagree with you about keeping the affair going not out of fear. I was totally backed into corner. What I failed to mention about the phone sex was that 99% was for her and initiated by her and I spoke words for her that she wanted to hear so she could get off. I did it a couple of times in begining and there was nothing there for me you being a man understand what I'm talking about??
I accept you questioning me. I have lived a life of lies for quite a long time. I deserve to have everone question wether or not I'm telling the truth do to my past actions and lies. I will no longer allow lies to come out of my mouth. Sometimes, believe me I have to catch myself and tell the truth when its about simple nothing. But I am trying to make it become 2nd nature. Anyhow I'm not asking anyone to take my side, I'm just asking for someone to take ourside (my wife and I) and to help.
Yes you are right about actual versus phone sex. It was just as the arguement goes between emotional versus physical affair. Its all wrong.
I thank you for your advice and will put it to use.
Steve:
Yes, she was married at the time and still is. I think what she was saying was giving custody to her husband. (I was quite shocked). I told her I could never be a step father, it just wasn't in me. I thought that would be the end of the dangling of the O child to me. She would either say that: A) its yours or B) get [censored] I'm not gonna be with someone who won't love my kid. Instead I get the answer/guestion "what if I give her up?" He knows about me now but didn't until this February.
I quess that was what she was thinking that we'd have a life together. No not all along. After that incident I didn't hear from her until 3+ years ago (Feb 2007). I never said anything to convince her that I was more important than her child.
Yes timing was very suspicious. She was born premature with some health problems and her parents had to do some blood typing to be compatible for some treatments.
Time line:
I actually moved some stuff out on 2/28/10 not 2/28/09 that really messed things up for you.
Feb 2007-Dec 2008 didn't talk but maybe a couple times /month at first then increase to couple times three time per week. Nothing sexual going on.
Dec 2008-3/09/09 talking almost daily increased to couple times daily. Nothing sexual going on- complaining about spouses.
3/9/09 Tell OW not be calling anymore.
Few days later she calls work and says she cant stand not being friends I am her "best friend" and cant go on like this and just wants to say final good bye and is hinting at suicide I fall for it and now I start digging the hole that I have made for myself.
4/09-2/25/10 I try to keep her happy and think maybe she will go on if I keep promising and breaking those promises.
2/25/10 I come clean to my wife.
2/28/10 move some stuff out of house.
3/10/10 I got the email I posted.
Middle of March - other woman showed up at my work after I had sent a NC letter to her. Said she wanted closure I asked her to leave. Her husband called me later to aske me to talk to her b/c she is "struggling." I tell him I don't think me talking to her anymore with do either one of our situations any good. He agrees but asks me to think about it.
I kept her happy by whatever it took short of real sex and minimized physical touch.
She is a teacher, never arrested. There is a history of mental illness in her family but not with her until our incident. Her life is not hard, she comes from a very wealthy family and has never lacked for anything. Probably never not got what she wanted with anything. I know that she has cheated on her husband with another person besides me. She does like to go out and drink and would leave kids with H to do that and "go out with girls." She does like nice clothes and cars and other material things.
She is fabricating b/c I didn't follow through with my promises. I promised to leave wife was last straw.
We were very close friends all through HS. Yes we met up, even on the back roads, but stayed in separate vehicles most of the time. Yes we met in public but acted as if the other person didn't exsist. It got to the point that we talked on the phone nightly after everone else was asleep.
I don't quite understand what you are asking here:
She's got you by the balls; You are throwing you because you are breaking promises to her? There is something you are scared of that is bigger then phone sex and a BJ, what is it?
Two weeks after you moved out you got the I'm done letter. You're wife knows doesn't she? It would really help if you told us the whole story.
There is something you are scared of that is bigger then phone sex and a BJ, what is it?
Two weeks after you moved out you got the I'm done letter. You're wife knows doesn't she?
Who did your wife hear this from:
I promised to leave wife was last straw.
you or this other woman?
2 more questions.
You ever tell this woman you love her?
and, your wife, when she was younger, ever have anyone cheat on her, boyfriend, ex-husband?
There is nothing else that I am scared of from the A. The only thing I fear is D, losing my wife, and a visitation schedule for my son and unborn child.
What are you asking that my wife knows? She knows the whole story, plus some made up [censored] from OW.
She heard that from the both of us. Me first, OW H second, and OW third. When I broke this "promise" to leave wife that was the "last straw" (for OW) that I was talking about. That was what sent her to the
"I'm gonna [censored] up the rest of your life stage" the stage that said
"I am going to hurt you in every way I can tonight through Son, Wife, and me (OW). All night more and more stuff will be happening that you will hear about!!! Glad u didn't care enought to do anything about it."
The stage that said "You know your wife believes every word I tell her don't you?"
Yes I did tell her that unfortunately.
No I don't believe she has ever had anyone cheat on her besides me.
The question is, 'How to fix ten years of lyin' and cheatin' on your wife in a couple months?'
I will help you the best I can.
There are others on this site that would be willing to take their spouses back after such that you did, maybe they would help you to understand what some people are willing to accept for their forgiveness. There are others that are curious what goes through a man's mind or penis when they are willing to forsake their wives.
I see the following questions needed to be answered for yourself:
What is love? think about it.
Why do you really love your wife?
How could you tell another woman you love her when you love your wife? please do not use out of fear, or I was weak, Or I was not thinking.
If you have to answer with out of fear, or I was weak, Or I was not thinking, why would your wife want to be married to a weak man who does not think about his wife and lets another woman control his life?
Were you really in love with her?
You promised you would stop talking to her when your son was born, you kept doing it. you kept sneaking away from the family to talk with her and meet her on back roads and have sex with her. How could you do that to your son that was a baby and deserved a loving family and married parents and a future with the both of you. Crying is not an acceptable answer.
She has had other affairs on her husband, why would you be telling a slut you love her, be sexual with her and spending time with her instead of your wife who loved you, was making another child with you and planning her future around that, if you didn't love her?
Was the fact she was going to kill herself more important than your family and if it was not why didn't you tell your wife immediately what was going on so the both of you could tell her husband she needed help?
Tell me about every time you met her again.
Why did you tell this woman you would leave your wife? Is it because of her that you lied to your wife and treated her the way that you did for that many years to spend time with this other woman instead of her?
The other woman is saying she had oral sex with you, why would she lie about that happening knowing that her already cheated on husband will find out if it really didn't?
If your wife was to stay married to you but never ever sleep in the same bed as you and never ever have sex with you again. That means she would never initiate and would recoil from your touch. How could you be trusted to never do this again with this woman, who obviously is in love with you, or with another lonely woman that finds you attractive?
Eye color, blood type and foot shape are inadequate indicators of paternity. Would you be willing to take a DNA paternity test to verify if you were related to this child if requested?
I could go on but this is probably enough to mentally exhaust you even without a crying hysterical woman who just had her heart cut out with a chain saw and entire plans for the future and her children ripped out from under her by a tramp you knew from high school. I would expect you to have to answer some form of these questions. The suicide card, I did it out of fear, She is fabricating a story about what happened, and I am sorry, would be poor answers to me, I wouldn't accept them or you back if that is all you had to give me.
Love is doing, love is kind, love is not hurtful, love is a verb. Love means to have such a deep caring for an individual you would do anything for them, sacrafice anything, give the all that you can, be there for them.
Yes I do love my wife, in the past I did not show or behave as one who loves her, but I do.
I did not love the OW. I only "loved" the attention at first. After I pulled my head out of my ass and realized what I was doing I was in over my head, maybe even out of my head you might say. I was not acting even close to the person I thought I was. I can only say that I was a in a place that I never want to return to in my life ever again. I may have cared about her OW, but it was not love.
I promised to stop talking to her almost a year after son was born, but I didn't. I talked to her going to and from work, at work and when I was choring on my farm. I did meet her a few times, but I will repeat, in those meetings I did not have sex with her.
Yes I question how could I do that to my son and my wife. It is something I hope you never feel. It is like a wave that roars into the beach about .5 seconds after I wake up in the morning and it is the last thing that I think about before I go to sleep at night...wtf was I thinking and how could I have done this? Followed by why?
I felt guilty b/c if she killed herself I felt it would have been my fault and I thought I could prevent that and "fix" her and go on the "fix" my marriage. Looks like that isn't how things are turning out.
What do you mean tell you about every time I met her again? Is there something specific you would like to ask? I guess I just don't understand what you are asking.
I told her I would leave b/c that is what she wanted. I had a chosen time that I wanted to come clean to my wife, after she had been on a vacation with her folks this winter, so I wanted her to be able to enjoy that. So I was keeping OW "happy" until then.
She is planning on waiting for my wife to D me and then she plans to "win" me back. She doesn't care what it takes to get the D to happen. That is my guess why the oral story was made up. That's not the only one. There is a story about her picking me up and I was in a specific truck and taking me to her house, only thing is she was very specific about the date ect and the only thing she didn't realize was that that particular truck had the transmission out of it at the time.
I could be trusted b/c I have walked to that line, I have walked to the end of the world, I walked to that edge. That is a place that I will never go or take anybody with me again. How could I be trusted? Blind trust is gone, I would have to build trust, I would have to allow her to monitor me, I would have to stay transparent. This I can do. I can do with love and with greatfullness that she allowed me to stay.
Yes I would take a dna test, but in a previous post I stated that her parents had to do some testing for some treatment when child was younger and there was no "smoking gun" there.
I guess sometimes the truth is stranger that fiction. I know that is a cliche, and I understand your reluctance to accept my story as truth, but it is what it is...it is the mess I made. I am just asking for some help/incite to put my family back together. They deserve so much better than I have gave them. This has lasting affects on innocent people and I want to minimize there suffering b/c of my stupidity.
Love means to have such a deep caring for an individual you would do anything for them, sacrafice anything, give the all that you can, be there for them.
Isn't this exactly what you did for your woman friend? She wanted phone sex you gave it to her, you sacrificed your marriage, your dignity and self-respect for her, you snuck off to meet her or talk to her when you could and when you really couldn't, and you were there for her when she needed you most. Do you have any examples of how you treated your wife in the past three years that is more loving then that?
Not do you love your wife, but why do you love your wife?
But why would you tell her did then? Some men choke when they hear a woman they care about say it for the first time; some don't even say it back. But you can say such a powerful phrase meaninglessly? Love as a verb can mean to like or desire actively : take pleasure in.
Yes I question how could I do that to my son and my wife. It is something I hope you never feel. It is like a wave that roars into the beach about .5 seconds after I wake up in the morning and it is the last thing that I think about before I go to sleep at night...wtf was I thinking and how could I have done this? Followed by why?
Seriously why? To exorcise this demon you need to understand why.
You need to know yourself and be able to answer why? To say "out of fear" or "I don't know what I was thinking" or "my head was in my ass" is not the answer.
does that help?
Hey MESS,
I was married to a guy like you. Let me tell you what you are doing to your wife. You are KILLing her spirit and any good "loving" feeling towards you.
Your words no longer mean anything. ACTIONS...and consistent actions is the only thing that will work. That is IF she is willing to let you "back in."
One piece of advice - put your wife first and keep it that way.
Luv
Steve: No I was using OW and OW was using me. I destroyed my life in the prcess. It was not love. 95% of my time was providing for my family, taking them places, doing things with them and for them, being with them and loving them. Any thing my wife wanted I gave her, me, time, affection, material things, sharing chores. I lived a double life and only 5% of that double life was devoted to OW, but that is way too much.
I love my wife b/c I have such a deep caring for her I would do anything for her, sacrafice anything, give the all that I can for her, I want to be there for her. She is the person I want to grow old with, share the rest of live with, be with. I was guilty of taking her for granted and not being true to her and our marriage. This is a monumental mistake on my part and I realize that it may be too late, that I may have woke up too late, but I pray not.
I actually used 143 to represent I love you, because I would not allow those words to by typed by me, but we all know what 143 stands for don't we. If I didn't reciprocate what she was telling me I was affraid I would loose control of situation.
I know why. I was selfish, I wasn't getting my "needs" met by wife b/c I wasn't talking to her telling her what I needed. I emotionally disconnected from her and started pooring that energy in the wrong place. That should have been channeled towards fixing what wasn't working at home, not sharing with another person.
I "loved" the attention at first, but started to understand it as going too far, was wrong and out of bounds in a marriage. Then fear took hold of me and I was affraid to come clean. That is the fear I am talking about.
luvless:
What do you mean "You are KILLing her sprit and any good "loving" feeling towards you"? Are you meaning something I am doing now or that [censored] that I was pulling on her in the past?
I know words from me are nothing. That is why I am working my ass off, that is why I am doing b/c there can be no lies by my actions. Any projects she'd asked for in the past that I'd put off are done. House has been repainted by me. All her old household chores are done by me-vaccum, dust toilet cleaning, kid bathing window washing laundry ect. Working on myself too. But I'm affraid I'm missing something so please tell me whay you are saying by actions?
She is first, and will never let that change.
Did I say something wrong?
No, I just think it is a slow day on the boards.
I personally think you may have a chance of recovery if you really show huge changes on your and take a solid, unwavering, firm stance that you are sorry, understand her hurt and willing to show with actions that you wish to repair the marriage and try to help her with her pain.
Time, space, patience, consistency, determination, dedication.
These are some of the things I would focus on.
Personally, I know that some people would find this odd. But in your situation I would take a lie detector test and try to answer any concerns of questions she had. About the sexual contact, about your true intentions now, etc. I wouldn't tell your wife, just do it and give it to her.... my thoughts.
I also think you should be readily available for any family social activities and events. I see that as a way "in" back to her heart. IMO.
I had read elsewhere that many betrayed spouses feel that the cheating spouse must do a penance of sorts for a period of time and the cheating spouse during that time must prove themselves as worthy a second chance.
Just because she states she is done, that does not mean she is really done. She had to protect herself and heal. I think you actions and behaviors can definitely over time sway her though.
Other thoughts.... I would offer to move as a family to another location, I would speak to her family and explain that you are guilty of cheating and are now repentant and willing to do what ever actions are necessary to win her back.
Also, I think it would be wise to read as many sitchs here as possible and on marraigebuilders and read books such as "his needs, her needs", "after the affair", etc.
Again, if this were me, I would go to weekly IC for a very long time (I did this with the MC after hubby quit to prove I wanted to work on myself and work towards keeping the marriage), a pro-marriage MC just for me to learn and understand the dynamics of marriage, church (if you are religious) and voluntarily try in some way to show how I occupy my time (see I am not cheating....)
My thoughts again, I would write a well scripted letter stating you angst, understanding, repentantness, how sorry you are etc. I would state in the letter exacting why you feel this behavior was acceptable in the marraige, why you continued on with it (WITHOUT PUTTING ANY BLAME ON THE OW, this is all on you) how you have learned about boundaries and how to handle stressful periods in the marriage, what actions you are taking to better yourself. I would state that you are at her beck and call, when ever, where ever, you are dedicated solely to her and even in the event of her Ding you you still will remain loyal and dedicated to her, etc. That you are willing to honestly and openly answer any questions she has about the marriage, the affair, what you were thinking etc. For her piece of mind.
I also think that many people will D but still watch your actions to see your sincerity and absolute love for the person. A D does not mean it's over. Remember this.
Listen, my sitch was different, but I will state this. I stood my ground for over a year that I was NOT going to give up on us. My hubby could be done with the marriage but I am still standing. And let me tell you- if you were to believe him- he was done, really, really done. I ignored this. I owned up to all the wrong behaviors and actions that I did and I proved that I will not repeat them. Despite my hubby's insistence that we were done, despite his anger and venom- I heald my ground, I NEVER wavered (ok, I really had a lots of thoughts that maybe I should give up, I NEVER LET HIM KNOW THAT THOUGH)
You think she is done and over you. I think she is DIng you to gain back some "power" and dignity but my goodness, I guarantee she is watching your every move. I think you can really prove yourself and maybe win her back. Fight hard for her. I think it will take a very long time though- at least a year minimum. I wouldn't even be surprised if she D's you and starts dating someone else and then still comes back to you, if you handle this correctly. I think she has to follow her path now and through your decisions and actions you can eventually lead her back to you. It's not going to happen today, or tomorrow, or next month, but maybe next year or two.
So the focus should be on the long term- focus on improving you, be responsible and accountable, showing her your love, showing her that you are an amazing father b/c every woman loves her children to be loved and definitely spending as much family time as possible. Family time, offering to watch the children when ever she wants you to so she can have her time for herself to have fun and socialize, to be happy again, a well timed letter here and there (rather than a face to face conversation initially) and your actions are definitely the key to getting back into her heart I think, IMO.
A face to face conversation may get hot and heated and over track, she may walk away. I well written letter she will read and also ask that she write back if she wants with any questions she may have or any feelings she wants to express. This actually was in a great book I read- can’t remember the name- remember the author was female- Tuppy, maybe?
And to add one more thing- if it were me- I honestly would stay away from all bars or outings that could be perceived as a "hook-up" environment. I would live a monk's life for quite a while because you would not want anything even misconstrued. It could be something as simple as a phone call from her and you are at a bar and she would instantly assume you are on the prowl, IMO. I also would answer her every email or phone call as soon as possible to show you are doing nothing deviant and include all of your email passwords and cell phone password and billing statement for her to see.
Did I say something wrong?
Yeah. You told this other woman you loved her. That was wrong and stupid and unforgiveable to most.
I personally do not believe in the idea of "fog" and "aliens" and "mid-life-crisis" as defined by many people on this site. I believe people are fully aware of what they say and how they act and they realize the responsibilities and consequences associated with their words and actions in any situation. Taking out a loan you can't afford, eating a meal high in cholesterol, cheating on your wife, are all regrettable but conscious decisions one makes. When one aims to escape a relationship or compensate for something missing within they do it intentionally. Hence, they have taught about it.
Being an adult you are fully aware of right and wrong. To say you were "backed into a corner," shows you have not put much taught yet into why you let this continue for as long as you did. I did not read that someone was holding a gun to your head.
My wife reads this site at times with me and one thing she had pointed out as unbelivable was
What I failed to mention about the phone sex was that 99% was for her and initiated by her and I spoke words for her that she wanted to hear so she could get off. I did it a couple of times in begining and there was nothing there for me you being a man understand what I'm talking about??
As a man no I don't. And as a woman my wife suggested that maybe you have issues with your sexuality that you were a willing participant in this sexual voice relationship. I don't know and I dont care, but I think to have any chance of reconcilling your marriage you first need to be honest with yourself, and then your wife. To allow this to happen for the reasons you state are serious character flaws and may be a greater obstacle in the process then phone conversations you had.
So true Steve- there can be no reconcilliation with out complete ownership of the wrong doings- otherwise dead in the water.
And "but, excepts, etc." are unaccceptable
june72:
I complain and then it takes me a day to get back here-what a deal I am.
Thank you for the encouraging words. I hope that she is noticing the changes in me and my remorse. I've got patience, consisstency, determination, and dedication. Just going to have to work on time being on my side and learn to give her space.
I have already offered the lie detector test (hell my father in law has told us that he would even go so far to pay for it). She didn't put too much faith in to the test and didn't want me too, but just going ahead and doing it might be worth a shot!
Yes I'm available for all those events. Son's BD was a few weeks ago and WE all enjoyed that together. Had a weenie roast for Memorial Day Weekend together also.
Unfortuantely/Sadly I would have to proove myself worthy of a third and final chance. (Final b/c I wouldn't need another one!)
Hopefully she will change her mind and give us one more chance? Hopefully she will see that I have changed and that I am so sorry.
I have offered to move and meant it, but she doesn't want to. (A hole bunch of ties to where we are at that includes both our parents live on the same street as we do, a farm and about 120 of cows that I could gladly give up if that would make a difference). Her parents already know what I have done and my determination to win her back.
Yes I agree that I need to learn from a various set of resources that include sites like this, IC, MC, and anything else I can think of. This is how I now occupy my time.
Thank you for the advice on writing a letter vs face to face talk. I believe that would be a wiser choice in our situation.
I too think that the D is what she plans on doing. She has said that is what is going to happen and that is the type of person she is and I have always admired her for those qualities. I will not give up, she is my wife and I love her. I know its gonna be a rough road and hard to hang on, but I have to. Its what I want to do! Thank you for the tips and advice.
Steve:
Yes I realize/realized a long time ago what I did was stupid. Point taken. Now I am looking for help to write the wrongs that I have done. There is no justification for what I did, it is just plain wrong. I think we all can agree on that point.
I have given an open book account of this mess I made. Its not pretty, I'm ashamed of what I have done. I am just simply asking for help. I don't have an explination for some of the things I did, they disgust me, they embarass me and my family. They were things that I didn't think I was capable of. Again I am only asking for help. I realize you don't believe what I have written, but hey I'm getting used to that. You are right, why should you believe me. If I could lie to someone that I loved for so long, why couldn't I lie to you guys?
Well I am / was tired of lies. Tired of trying to decide to tell the truth or not. Tired of being this monster that I created. Tired of living a double life. Just tired of all the bull [censored] I have created and put in my life and "forced" upon my wife, childern, family, and freinds. Do you know what it feels like to want to die? I mean truely want to die? (I hope not for your sake!) I'd never thought like that before, but I did at one time shortly before I came clean to my wife. I was misserable. You know what set me free and lifted that weight off my shoulders? The truth. The truth saved me. The truth I told my wife, the truth I told my parents, the truth I told her parents, the truth I told our friends, the truth I have told total strangers (this site).
So Steve I agree with you. To let this happen I have some serious character flaws and I'm trying to find those flaws and fix them. These flaws have ruined my marriage and my relationship with my children, but I am trying to and wanting to fix that also. Unfortunately I haven't been able to do that on my own yet and that is why I'm asking for help.
These flaws have ruined my marriage and my relationship with my children, but I am trying to and wating to fix that also.
You can't force that to happen. The only thing you can "fix" is yourself. You recognize the need for healthy boundaries and hold yourself up to a higher standard of character and integrity, and you treat people with the respect you want to be treated in the future.
You accept the price for what you have done: you may have permanently damaged your M and your R with your entire family with you selfish, immature acts.
You accept it, and you grieve your loss even though it was largely self-inflicted. You admit that the problems in your M may not have been only yours, but what you did destroyed the M, and nobody can ever forget that.
I realize I can't force that, but I want to do what I can help that, promote that, and fight for that.
I realize I can't force that, but I want to do what I can help that, promote that, and fight for that
I got nothin'. The best I can come up with is:
"I'm sorry, I was wrong, and I know I don't deserve a second chance, but I miss you, I miss my family".
Well, it does sound like a mess, but if you are committed to making your marriage work and keeping your family together, it can be done. You have to be willing to do what it takes. I see marriages succeed even when things looks so dire. If you aren't talking to a DB coach, I suggest you do, as they are experts in helping you to see clearly what your plan should be to get your marriage back on track, and withdrawing from the OW. I wish you all the best.
To let this happen I have some serious character flaws and I'm trying to find those flaws and fix them. the character flaws lie in the reason you are stating for continuing your affair. they sound to me reading this, as a cheated on spouse, that you don't know yourself enough to "fix" the issues that brought this about in the first place or your hiding something. what if this woman tells her husband and your wife that the two of you never actually stopped from way back when and this has been going on and off sexually for years. She's fabricating and i was doing it out of fear wouldn't mend my broken heart. would your wife accepts those answers?
There is no justification for what I did there is you typed it already.
I don't have an explination for some of the things I did you should you taught yourself into his situation you can think yourself out.
Well Steve I can tell you I'm not hiding anything from her. I understand why you are so skeptical, you being a cheated on spouse. You are probably right in saying that I don't know myself well enough to fix this, b/c I would have never thought I was capable of doing this to my wife in the first place.
What are you asking here:
"what if this woman tells her husband and your wife that the two of you never actually stopped from way back when and this has been going on and off sexually for years. She's fabricating and i was doing it out of fear wouldn't mend my broken heart. would your wife accepts those answers?"
I mean no true justification. What I typed was my thinking then, trying to tell you the story to explain where I was coming from and the stupid thought process I was using.
Steve I was hoping you were still there?
i went for a jog, read my wall street journal, tweeted a bit, whats up?
whats going on on the home front? is your wife asking the same questions I asked you, is she glaring at you like she hates you, is she telling you anything about the pregnancy, do you say anything other than I am sorry?
I was hoping that you would respond to my previous reply and hoping that you would clarify the question that you had asked me.
No wife doesn't ask questions about "us," she's pretty much closed the door on that I think. Suprisingly she does talk about what baby is doing and lets me watch it move and kick (I have only got to feel the baby kick once). On a good note her blood work came back and no G diabeties thank god!
We talk about everything but "us" so I let my love for her and my remorse show through my actions, not my words. My words have been lies to her for so long I know she could not trust what I am saying. I'm not sure that she really trusts my actions either but that all I got. Know what I mean?
I truely don't want to sweep this under the rug and make it go away or white wash it over and cover it up. I want to fix me, fix what I have broken, and hopefully fix us before it is too late.
does this mean i'm a lost cause?
I find it interesting on this site how many people post to each other giving one another false hope and advice that they don't even follow in their own lives, but when something as close to home as this is posted they have no idea what to say.
How are your interactions with your wife going, both the positive and negative? Are you having dinner as a family? Has she allowed you to sleep over night at home yet?
Has she in a complete mental breakdown started kicking and punching you and crying?
You are talking about me being a lost cause and it causing poeple to have no idea what to say?
There are both positive and negative. Saturday was our 6yr Anniversary. Last week her, I and FIL met and talked about how divide things. Since this meeting she has been more open and talked more. She said something about she knows people D and get remarried (not sure where that came from). She felt she needed to D so that she could be nicer to me than she was allowing herself to be.
We do eat together on and average of 1-2 per week. I have not been allowed to sleep at home yet though.
No kicking punching ever and no crying lately.
Thanks for checking back in with me.
MESSIMADE,
You are not a lost cause. Keep doing what you are doing and making yourself a better person for you and your kids even the R you have or will have no matter what it will be with your W.
It will take time to change what has happened in the past. At least now and in the future you will find peace with yourself. That is what you need to focus on is yourself and being a better you.
Keep yourself focused on the place in your heart where you will be happy again. It is not too late to find yourself the person you want to be.
Stay focused and do the hard work to get there!!!
You are talking about me being a lost cause and it causing poeple to have no idea what to say?
It's not that WE believe you are a lost cause. I don't even know you from Adam. I believe people CAN change. They don't usually change their core character, however, unless they are desperate to change or forced to change.
Your W is at the point where she wants to move on with or without you. Witness her not being afraid of losing you by divorcing you.
What we all see is that you made some horrible choices and that you had (and still have) trouble accepting responsibility fully for what you have done, and like your W, we have to wonder if she takes you back, will you do it again?
I can tell you that she is right to wonder about that. How can she be sure? Your words won't reassure her: you've already betrayed her deepest trust, made excuses for doing it, and lied to everybody including yourself.
Time will tell. The ball is in her court now.