Divorcebusting.com
Posted By: 2blu Please help with WAW - 03/29/10 04:08 PM
Hello,

I'm going to need you guys to coach me through my sitch, because I have learned that I have already responded poorly to my WAW.

My sitch:

We both work in the same field. I work local in a traditional setting for my field in the evenings. W works for a equipment vendor for our work and is usually on the road through the week. I have changed jobs several times in the last 4 years trying new opprtunities some of which did not work for me. Over time communication has broken down and our weekends have been spent mostly watching TV, resting, chores, and occasionally our own individual things. Things like dating, adventure, visiting or hosting friends and family have fallen by the wayside. We have been living to work instead of working to live. I think resentment towards each other for not having enough fun has set in for both of us.

Last summer one day when we woke up on Saturday, W asked if I loved her, did I have a GF, said I need to do better and that she was important and did I wonder what I would be like if she were not around. I felt ambushed,was at a loss of words and stupidly said that she cannot expect things to be like they were when we were dating. At the time I was desparately trying to make a work situation turn around, so I was stressed and a bit down on myself.

A few weeks later, I gave up some responsibilities at work and took a non-leadership position. I felt disappointed but relieved. I felt I could now take more time off with W and improve things. She was very hurt by what I had said and stopped nagging, started planning things with a friend or her mom without me. We were not communicating effectively. During the holidays I felt the bomb could come any day. I did not know how to stop it or if I even wanted the M anymore. The end of January she asked why was I married to her, we were more roommates than H/W. She said she doesn't think we can fix it. I felt strangely relieved as our relationship has not been what it should be for several years. She went out of town for work that Monday morning and told me to decide if I wanted the house or the money.

I felt OK at first, not held back, grass is greener, etc. Then this terrible sadness overcame me. I did not want to start over, hang out in bars, chase women etc. I wanted a better relationship with my W. To have a child with her soon, more time together, etc. I called her Tuesday stated my case that is was work situations and communication that got us here and it can fixed. She said she doesn't believe I love her as I don't show or tell her enough and I was OK when she set off the bomb. She said she had to think about it. That Friday she came home and said we both need a new start and told me I should stay in the house for my job and relatives were near. She was going out of state to be with parents, until she knew where she wanted to move, (nothing for her here anymore).

For the few weekends she was packing things, arranging transfer of utiliies etc. She took most our cash and wants me to refi to pay out the rest of her share and make the payments managable for me alone.

Of course I have tried to reason, cried, pleaded, offered MC, been nice, ILY's,tried to go places with her, mope around, and hung around the house while she packed hoping my presence would somehow dissuade her. She has been generally nice, except tmy above behavoirs would sometimes make her angry especially talking about the M.

She has been gone since four weeks. She came by a week and a half later briefly to get a few things and get her haircut. That was strange as the items were not important, and she will have to start getting haircuts near her parents several hundred miles away. I was nice and tried to be nonpushy. I did hug her bye.

I tried to call last Sunday and got voicemail. She called me back the next morning and we talked briefly. I told her the weekenends were especially hard, because that was our time. We raraely saw each other durung the week anyway.

I have not tried to call this past weekend although I miss her terribly.

Any advice? Do I need to proceed with the refi although it will cost a bit of money? I keep putting it off in hopes of turning her around. Shall I go ahead and make plans to refurnish the house? She took most the furniture to her parents' house.

Thanks.
Posted By: TeleDad Re: Please help with WAW - 03/29/10 04:21 PM
She left you. Let her do the work on the refi. She wants the $ out of the house, she can pay for it! Stick up for yourself. Otherwise you are making this easy on her.

Have you read DB/DR? If not, get it and don't do anything until you finish reading them. Stay silent, stay strong, stay away. She came back to you for "a haircut". Let her do that a few times. Be scarce, be mysterious. She is in a new place, don't be her anchor. Let her see how it feels like to be on her own for a while.

It is counter-intuitive. It is not easy. Other folks will chime in who have lots of experience. I wish you luck.
Posted By: Wired Re: Please help with WAW - 03/29/10 04:33 PM
2blu, Im just a bit ahead of you in my stitch. Im going to tell you right how you are going to hurt. Its going to one of the roughest things you have ever delt with, and if your lucky, you will get about 10 other things in your life that will go straight to hell. Seeems like the universe likes to kick us when we are down.

1.)See your doctor if you are feeling strong anxiety or depression. They can help and may even refer you to a therapist.
2.)Start reading through posts here on the board, I can almost bet you will find 1 or 2 that will seem like a mirror image to your situation and may find some insight and wisdom from them.
3.) When I was serving my apprenticship as a die maker an older die maker told me "Of all the things in life I have missed, this place wasnt one of them" He died 2 years before his retirement. For the love of god dont let your work sepertate your family. Many of us here have made that mistake.

Youve come to the right place to find many answers to the questions you will have and the roller coaster ride you are going to be on. But its up to you what you do with it from there.
Posted By: 12bar Re: Please help with WAW - 03/29/10 04:54 PM
2blu

Sorry you are here but you will get a lot of help from the folks on this forum.

IMHO, your W is moving very fast with your marital assets, taking the cash, asking for you to refi. If I were in your shoes, I would delay any major financial moves until you have a better understanding of your situation and better control over emotions. Make sure your interests are protected!

As far as you W leaving, I know it is a hard thing to consider but have you explored the possibilty of another person being in the picture? I do see a few red flags in your sitch. If there is, it will mean that your DB strategy will need to be different.

Give us a little more info and the vets will be around soon
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 03/29/10 05:26 PM
Thanks for the quick replies. I will fill in some of the holes tonight. I have to go to work.
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: Please help with WAW - 03/29/10 08:33 PM
Originally Posted By: 2blu
...I'm going to need you guys to coach me through my sitch,
I will do my best.

Quote:
because I have learned that I have already responded poorly to my WAW.....
I would strongly recommend memorizing this statement:

"What works is COUNTER-INTUITIVE."



Quote:
...Over time communication has broken down...
New communication skills are needed. I strongly suggest looking for the boundaries thread, read it, and learn to set boundaries. They work.

Quote:
and our weekends have been spent mostly watching TV, resting, chores, and occasionally our own individual things. Things like dating, adventure, visiting or hosting friends and family have fallen by the wayside. We have been living to work instead of working to live.
You have a choice on how you live your life. If these things were important to you before, make them important for YOU again. Do not involve WAS in the decision. Just do. Invite people over.


Quote:
I think resentment towards each other for not having enough fun has set in for both of us
I found these words from "the four agreements" book series to be very wise:

"Do not put your happiness into someone else's hands."

I recommend going out and doing fun things. This is what GAL is all about.

Quote:
Last summer one day when we woke up on Saturday, W asked if I loved her, did I have a GF, said I need to do better and that she was important and did I wonder what I would be like if she were not around.
There is alot of insight here.

First, she asked if you love her. Most likely, you have not been SHOWING her that you love her. I suggest reading "The five love languages".

Second, she asked if you have a GF. This may be PROJECTING. She may have BF, and wants to justify her actions. You can do some investigation. Do a search on Puppy Dog Tails and read as many of his posts as you can.


Quote:
I felt ambushed,was at a loss of words and stupidly said that she cannot expect things to be like they were when we were dating. At the time I was desparately trying to make a work situation turn around, so I was stressed and a bit down on myself.
That is completely normal.

Quote:
We were not communicating effectively
Sounds like an area you can do work on to improve. The biggest part of communication I learned was to keep my mouth shut and listen. Validating is also important.


Quote:
I did not know how to stop it or if I even wanted the M anymore. The end of January she asked why was I married to her, we were more roommates than H/W. She said she doesn't think we can fix it. I felt strangely relieved as our relationship has not been what it should be for several years.
Completely normal.

Quote:
...She said she doesn't believe I love her as I don't show or tell her enough and I was OK when she set off the bomb...
This is where the listening and validation comes in.

"Yes, I can see why you would believe that, but I do love you. Help me understand how I don't show you love"

And then Listen.....Listen Listen.....


Quote:
She said she had to think about it
I would like to suggest that you should use this line alot. You can then come here, get input and then respond.

"You brought up some interesting points. I need time to think about them."


Quote:
... She took most our cash and wants me to refi to pay out the rest of her share and make the payments managable for me alone.
Why would you let her do this? It is very important to stand up to her and not be pushed around. Stand up to her in a no threatening way.

Quote:
Of course I have tried to reason, cried, pleaded, offered MC, been nice, ILY's,tried to go places with her, mope around, and hung around the house while she packed hoping my presence would somehow dissuade her.
Is that working for you???????

Quote:
She has been generally nice, except my above behaviors would sometimes make her angry especially talking about the M.
Stiring her emotions works. When she is indifferent, that is bad. Women live on feelings. Your focus is to make her FEEL different about you. Making positive changes to YOU is VERY IMPORTANT.

Quote:
She has been gone since four weeks. She came by a week and a half later briefly to get a few things and get her haircut. That was strange as the items were not important, and she will have to start getting haircuts near her parents several hundred miles away. I was nice and tried to be non pushy. I did hug her bye.
Are these actions 180's for you?

Quote:
... I told her the weekends were especially hard, because that was our time...
That kind of behavior sounds NEEDY. Women are not attracted to neediness. Project that you are having a great time.

Quote:
I have not tried to call this past weekend although I miss her terribly.
I would not initiate contact. This is counter intutive. Would you raather push her farther away by pursuing, or have her miss you and wounder about you?

Quote:
Any advice?
My advice was based off very little information on your sitch. It is important for you to read as much as you can here on this site. Each of us are different, but there are many patterns that repeat.

It doesn't sound like you are aware of an A, but I HIGHLY RECOMMEND being open to the idea that your W has interests in another person. Puppy Dog Tails is wise and it will be to your benefit to read as many of his posts as possible.

Quote:
Do I need to proceed with the refi although it will cost a bit of money?
Do you want to refi? Do you want the house? All I heard was "MY WIFE TOLD ME THIS AND THAT, SO I DID IT"........

Quote:
I keep putting it off in hopes of turning her around.
The only way she is going to turn around is if you stop pursing her, start moving away from her. Let me tell you a little story:

People want what they can't have and they do not want to be controlled. Do you want to know how I get my 7 year old daughter to spend more time with me? By pushing her away and walking away. It is human nature. She will chase me. Hold me. sit on me. As soon as I feel her "wanting to leave" I tell her to leave. Guess what? She stays. If I want her to leave, guess what works???? I hold her tight. Tell her to stay. What do you think she does as soon as she breaks free?
The dynamics between adults is no different. I see it here.

Quote:
She took most the furniture to her parents' house.
go buy stuff you like. Enjoy shopping for it. If/when she wants to come back, she can worry about what to do with the stuff at her parents house....
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 03/30/10 03:08 AM
OK, I am about halfway through DR, through the "taking stock" chapter. I have read Getting Back Together by Youngs and Goetz.

I understand I have displayed some clingy behavior that has made her very uncomfortable. But, if I act as if I'm having the time of my life, will she not think she was just in my way all along? Remember she doesn't feel loved by me right now. Also, we do not have children and she is six hours away. There will not be frequent interaction for her to see changes I make.

I do not think there is OM. It just doesn't fit her values. She disapproves of separated but not divorced people dating, even if the D is just a matter of time. She works a big region of the country and her parents would not tolerate an A at their house. Certainly she has opportunity for a fling on the road, but it is just not her.

I think the speed of things comes from her age, thinking of starting over quickly, biological clock, etc. Also she has a friend finalizing a D that has gotten very ugly about the property split. Also remember WAW's shut down and plan their exit long before the bomb. This has been months in the making IMO.

About the refi, the split is not that lopsided. She took most the money, I get most the equity. Because the equity is way more than the cash, I owe her some money. The mortgage is a 15 year. I cannot pay her and the mortgage the way it is. If I refi to a 30 year, I borrow enough to pay her out and lower the payment to within my means. I do not want to do it because I want her back here helping me pay it together. But, I do not want her to lawyer up and force a quick sell in this economy. If I do not get her back, I will probably sell the house later, because everything about it makes me think of her. Do I keep postponing the refi and push her away further, or cooperate and make it affordable while settling with her?
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 03/30/10 03:52 AM
Um, being nice and nonpushy is not a 180 for me normally. I was trying to convey that I was upbeat and friendly but no ILY, pining, talking about the M or S, etc.
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: Please help with WAW - 03/30/10 03:23 PM

Here is a phrase "I do not want a D, but if that is the only way for you to be happy, I will not stand in your way".

If the Refi helps protect you, go for it. Lower payments are good. You can always make higher payments to the 30 if needed....
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 03/30/10 03:36 PM
So, you see what I mean. Is going with the refi and settling her out enabling her to proceed further, or is not doing it making me look dependent, inactive, clingy, procrastinating. I am not naturally clingy, just between the bomb and the S. I can be lazy and procrastinating, traits that she is well aware of and resentful of right now.
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: Please help with WAW - 03/30/10 07:21 PM

You have two choices. You can try to control her, which does not work. A better choice is to set her free, work on you while she is gone, and if/when she comes back repair the relationship.

So what I highly recommend is "ACT AS IF":

Act as if she is not coming back.
Act as if you are happy. (No matter what W is doing) You are a strong man that owns his own happiness.
Posted By: TeleDad Re: Please help with WAW - 03/30/10 09:10 PM
Originally Posted By: Ready2Change


So what I highly recommend is "ACT AS IF":

Act as if she is not coming back.
Act as if you are happy. (No matter what W is doing) You are a strong man that owns his own happiness.


The key thing is to prepare yourself for the possibility that it may not work out with W by GAL. You don't need to fake having a great time you just need to keep working on YOU and let the results show to W. Let her see what she is missing.

No matter what happens your stress will be reduced and you will be stronger for it.
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: Please help with WAW - 03/30/10 09:28 PM
^^
Agree

You have to work on yourself for yourself. It is the only way to get through all of this. We are all here to save our marriages, and have all made mistakes and I, for one, continue to make them. I try to learn from them and not repeat what isn't working.

Do not tell her how hard it is without her. She knows this. Let her think you are OK. Next to impossible, I know, but it does work. It is hard to do but you must do it!!!!

Stay strong and become a better person no matter what she decides.

Good luck!
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 04/01/10 02:57 PM
10 days of no contact now. I still haven't pulled the trigger on the refi. W did ask about it last time we spoke but did not get angry, but reminded me the next payment was coming due.

After she exploded the bomb, she was asking about the refi and other property split constantly. It was like she was trying to arrange a fast clean uncontested asset split as soon as possible.

I am hopeful that time away will mellow her, as I was unable to get her to slow down before she left.

It is hard to resist the temptation to call her and tell her she needs to come home so we can work it out, change our situation to meet our needs, etc.
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 04/03/10 03:49 PM
Is it natural to not tell everyone about your sitch? I have not told anyone at work. At first I thought I had to so people would understand I was not myself. When I think of telling coworkers or a boss, I fear I will be overcome with emotion when they respond. A lot of people I work with know my W professionally as we are in the same line of work and have worked in many of the same circles. I am pretty private about my life outside of work and do not want to be the object of gossip and pity. Is it unhealthy to keep silent, hoping the M will be saved. People ask how W is doing periodically and I say she is OK, her job is going well etc.
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: Please help with WAW - 04/03/10 11:18 PM
Originally Posted By: 2blu
It is hard to resist the temptation to call her and tell her she needs to come home so we can work it out, change our situation to meet our needs, etc.


This is why women leave men. Men want to fix, not understand. It is very important VALIDATE right now. This does not mean agree.

It is so counter-intuitive.

Read these words:

"I understand why you feel D is the only option. I can see many other options, but if D is the only way you will be happy, I will not stand in your way."

If you want a chance to repair the R you need to say those words to W. Before you say those words, you need to understand why I highly recommend saying them and why she needs to hear them.
Posted By: Ready2Change Re: Please help with WAW - 04/03/10 11:21 PM
Originally Posted By: 2blu
Is it natural to not tell everyone about your sitch? I have not told anyone at work. At first I thought I had to so people would understand I was not myself. When I think of telling coworkers or a boss, I fear I will be overcome with emotion when they respond. A lot of people I work with know my W professionally as we are in the same line of work and have worked in many of the same circles. I am pretty private about my life outside of work and do not want to be the object of gossip and pity. Is it unhealthy to keep silent, hoping the M will be saved. People ask how W is doing periodically and I say she is OK, her job is going well etc.


Based on lots of reading here, I decided it was best to keep the number of people to a minimum. My Boss and one close friend. Over time, more people. Pick and choose wisely.
Posted By: sandi2 Re: Please help with WAW - 04/04/10 02:39 PM
Quote:
I do not think there is OM. It just doesn't fit her values
.

I hope you are right about not being OM, but with a WAW, the values/standards usually change drastically. I had always had very high moral/spiritual standards until I got careless about guarding my heart (or whatever you want to call it). I foolishy got involved with OM over the Internet. Was as uncommon and out of character for me as anything you could imagine. So, be prepared for anything you discover.
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 04/05/10 03:37 AM
Yes, I know that right now, in her mind, she is done with the M. So, she could possibly justify an A to herself. But I think she is just enjoying family support and hopefully thinking about things right now.

We usually visited my relatives at Easter whenever possible. Today I did it without her. It was tough, but it beat being at home. Maybe she missed me today, despite spending Easter with her family for a change.
Posted By: Glimmerman Re: Please help with WAW - 04/05/10 04:21 AM
2blu

A couple of commonalities that I caught that are similar to my WAW. One is that you noted that she did not seem as angry on your last phone call. That has been a good thing in my situation as it has opened the door for me to listen to her at the times when she is ready to talk. But remember, it must be her who initiates the talk, but that will give you the opportunity to validate her feelings.

Sandi's description above actually describes my wife very closely as well. I do not have any evidence of my wife having a PA, but we are separated (and divorce has been filed) and my wife is on facebook quite a bit, so as far as an emotional affair, I have no real idea. My wife has been a Christian for many many years, but made a comment to me one time that she feels like something is just pulling on her heart to experience more of life.

My wife knows to guard her heart, the heart is deceitful, etc, but when emotion takes over it's not easy (see Cain and Abel).

My wife will talk to me once in a while when I see her and we've had some discussions about some things we have not talked about before. For instance, one time she told me about something I did that she did not like. I asked her the simple question of how it made her feel when I did that and talked for quite a while.

If you are presented with an opportunity like I've had, listen to her, validate her feelings, and do not get defensive. It is always hard to do when your spouse is getting this stuff out, but in my case it seemed she had kept it bottled up for years.

Do I know if my marriage will work out? No, I don't. But I can tell you that my wife has told that she sees we are talking in ways that we have not before.
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 04/05/10 02:30 PM
W just tried to call me at home. She doesn't know if I'm asleep or working my part-time job. I am home but let the answering machine get it. She sounded cheerful but wanted to know if the mortgage was underway.

I'm thinking that maybe I should get the refi going to make peace, then DB from there. Besides if we stay apart much longer, I need the refi anyway. But, I really do not want to do it as I see it as a another major step towards divorce.

Maybe get the refi and tell her I do not want a divorce but understand why she does and will not fight her?

Help!
Posted By: Glimmerman Re: Please help with WAW - 04/05/10 10:16 PM
Have you gathered the info for the refi yet, or are you not that far along? Some on here might say make her do it since she's the WAW. I have been fairly cooperative with my WAW and it has opened lines of discussion. It's really your call. It seems that my wife has needed time to think by herself as much as anything, but our divorce is still filed, so I guess you have to decide what is best. Time has seemed to be my friend (knock on wood).
Posted By: sandi2 Re: Please help with WAW - 04/06/10 09:41 AM
Quote:
I'm thinking that maybe I should get the refi going to make peace,


I'm not telling you how to do your business, but I wanted to point something else out. So many men fall into the trap of "wanting to keep the peace" and do things they really don't want to do. Some women manipulate by using their emotions on men. They will be sweet, then get mad, and if that doesn't do the trick, then they get nasty. She is probably being nice right now...to get you to refi.

Try to keep your spirits up without having your head stuck in the sand. DBing in a long drawn out process and it takes much more than her missing her family one afternoon. The fact is, she may have enjoyed it. WAW's fantasize how it would be to be single.

Just don't set yourself up for disappointment.
Posted By: sandi2 Re: Please help with WAW - 04/14/10 12:12 PM
How are things going now?
Posted By: tristan Re: Please help with WAW - 04/14/10 01:38 PM
Originally Posted By: 2blu
Is it natural to not tell everyone about your sitch? I have not told anyone at work. At first I thought I had to so people would understand I was not myself. When I think of telling coworkers or a boss, I fear I will be overcome with emotion when they respond. A lot of people I work with know my W professionally as we are in the same line of work and have worked in many of the same circles. I am pretty private about my life outside of work and do not want to be the object of gossip and pity. Is it unhealthy to keep silent, hoping the M will be saved. People ask how W is doing periodically and I say she is OK, her job is going well etc.


It is good to have someone trustworthy and close you can talk too. But you by no means need to disclose to everybody. What you are doing is fine. This board is a great place to get things off your chest as well. I am happy very few people know of my short-lived seperation (essentially our immediate families); it allows us to still be natural around our old casual friends.

It is up to you, but I think it is natural and fine to keep these issues private for now.
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 04/16/10 03:06 AM
I'm not sure. I've been very busy and reluctant to do the refi, so I have been putting her off. I haven't talked with her in a couple of weeks and have not returned a couple of calls saying we need to talk about the mortgage. Got a message from her, tonight saying that I can't hide from her, and that she plans to come and get some of her plants and she needs to talk to me about the mortgage.

I think I will tell her that it is not fair that I have to finance the settlement charges for a refi, and tell her to split them with me, thereby decreasing her payout and my new mortgage balance. I will probably say that we can put the refi on hold awhile, giving us time to think, that I do not want a D. But I don't think that will fly.

What do you guys think? Have I gone too dark or is this the right approach? I need advice because tomorrow is one of my limited opportunities to make a positive impression while at the same time protect my interests.
Posted By: Steve McQueen Re: Please help with WAW - 04/16/10 12:59 PM
Originally Posted By: 2blu
Last summer one day when we woke up on Saturday, W asked if I loved her, did I have a GF, said I need to do better and that she was important and did I wonder what I would be like if she were not around.


could you explain why you think your wife would have asked you that question?

Did you have a girl buddy? Some woman you spend alot of time with, like an "emotional affair?" Girlfriend from the past you keep in contact with? Did you go to happy hour alot with the gang which included a couple of available woman?

or, do you just not really know your wife any more?

Quote:
I do not think there is OM. It just doesn't fit her values. She disapproves of separated but not divorced people dating, even if the D is just a matter of time. She works a big region of the country and her parents would not tolerate an A at their house. Certainly she has opportunity for a fling on the road, but it is just not her.
Posted By: soleil Re: Please help with WAW - 04/16/10 01:24 PM
I just read your first post. Something seems off to me. How long was it that communication broke down for before she left? You had switched jobs to spend more time with her before she left, right?
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 04/16/10 02:25 PM
To Steve,

No, there is no female I spend much time. I do work with a lot a women but I do not call or hang out with them outside work. The truth is I have neglected my W. And to an extent she has neglected me. The weekend is just not enough time to cram everything we need together and separately. We have both grown so independent and see each other as independent that we have not been taking care of each other.

To Soleil,

The communication breakdown has been gradual over about four years. Her working on the road, me working evenings have decreased phone calls in the week to being a rare occurance. On the weekends, fatique, chores, and mainly lack of planning and communication have taken most of the fun of being together lately.

By the time I changed jobs, and things settled down emotionally for me, she was already pretty withdrawn from thinking the R could be fixed. Subtle acts of love by me went largely unnoticed.
Posted By: soleil Re: Please help with WAW - 04/16/10 02:38 PM
Originally Posted By: 2blu
We have both grown so independent and see each other as independent that we have not been taking care of each other.

To Soleil,

The communication breakdown has been gradual over about four years. Her working on the road, me working evenings have decreased phone calls in the week to being a rare occurance. On the weekends, fatique, chores, and mainly lack of planning and communication have taken most of the fun of being together lately.


This sounds so much like my sitch, it isn't even funny. We could spend days without a phone call. In MC he told me he feels "fake" calling me each day to ask how I am. WTH?

2Blu, at least you took time to findally realize something was wrong and wanted to DO something about it.

Have you seen a L regarding all the refi stuff? I think it's a good idea to.
Posted By: timehealsall Re: Please help with WAW - 04/16/10 02:48 PM
2Blu,

Only about a handful of people (closest to us) know about my sitch.

Not EVERYONE needs to know about it. Quite frankly, it's none of their business and I need normalcy, NOT pity, nor do I need to be the week's headline in gossip..

I agree about seeing a L.

Good luck!
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 04/17/10 12:48 AM
W and I never got together today. I have a short-term part-time job and she doesn't know the schedule yet. She thought she could come by and I would be home in the morning. WTF? Have I been that predictable? Why didn't she call several days ahead and make sure I would be around.

Bear in mind that my home is way out of the way from where she is currently working or living, as in an extra state. She scheduled another haircut here (read previous posts). So she got her haircut and drove six hours to her parents house without coming by the house alone or seeing me. I was available later in the afternoon. Crazy.

Why is she still scheduling haircuts with a local hairdresser if she has moved away and wants a D? I am beginning to believe the S is a determined and drastic effort on her part to test me or straighten me out so to speak.
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 04/17/10 12:52 AM
I really rather not get a L if she does not. She has in possession most of what she wants. From what we have talked about, I owe her a bit of money and can keep the house. She has no interest in my retirement funds, truck, gun collection, etc.
Posted By: Steve McQueen Re: Please help with WAW - 04/17/10 03:13 AM
Originally Posted By: 2blu
I am beginning to believe the S is a determined and drastic effort on her part to test me or straighten me out so to speak.


how do you need straightening out? be honest and specific, please.
Posted By: Steve McQueen Re: Please help with WAW - 04/17/10 03:21 AM
Originally Posted By: timehealsall
2Blu,

Only about a handful of people (closest to us) know about my sitch.

Not EVERYONE needs to know about it. Quite frankly, it's none of their business and I need normalcy, NOT pity, nor do I need to be the week's headline in gossip..

I agree about seeing a L.

Good luck!


maybe you should find out who else knows about your situation. find you who has seen her around town and who she was with when she was supposedly getting another hairdo. somethings fishy and it ain't a mullet.
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 04/17/10 05:15 PM
Steve, you are reading it very differently than me. I think she is still scheduling appointments here to have a reason to have contact with me periodically without committing to a reconciliation. Maybe she isn't giving me much notice to see me in a more realistic environment and not one set up to impress her. This backfired yesterday as her assumptions that I would be available were wrong.

You seem to be suggesting she may be having an A here. If she were, she could have stayed in the house and I could haved moved or, she could have gotten an apartment. She moved far away to be with family saying that without the M, there is nothing for her here anymore.

As far as how I needed to be straightened out, my sitch touches on some of it. I have been job stressed to the point of rarely taking time off, rarely communicating with W during the week, no plans for the weekend, just watching TV and resting my stressed mind and body with occasional essential chores. Specifically, not making my M priority and not doing what makes my W feel loved. There were other distractions of the mind that men of my age (all ages?) have sometimes, that have little to do with reality. It doesn't help when stress makes you feel older than you are.

I shoulder much of the blame, but the W's job has taken a great toll too. We have both been professionally ambitious and have supported each others endeavors to a point that our job sitch has slowly drifted us apart. When someone travels for work, they have to reserve everything else for the weekend: laundry, housekeeping, shopping, hobbies, visiting, errands, and quality time with the spouse. Almost nothing can be taken care of in the week unless the nontraveling S does it. Two days is not enough to take care of everything, at least not long-term. Now we often resent each other for our unforfilling lives although we supported the decisions that got us here.
Posted By: Jasmine Re: Please help with WAW - 04/17/10 05:39 PM
Originally Posted By: 2blu
Why is she still scheduling haircuts with a local hairdresser if she has moved away and wants a D? I am beginning to believe the S is a determined and drastic effort on her part to test me or straighten me out so to speak.


I believe her hair apts are for possible contact with you. She still isn't 100% sure this is the route she wants to go but for some reason she is protecting herself with the S.

Do YOU need to take some responsibility in the R and start working on yourself?

Does she need to see this?

Do you need to prove to her that she is important enough?

WHY did the S HAVE TO HAPPEN?

Were you not listening to her?

Validating her?

Appreciating her?

I still make apts in another state where my H is for "possible" contact. Me going by my H's house and not calling ahead, I am thinking/hoping/knowing he is sitting at home WAITING for ME to come back. A blow to the ego when I found out he is out doing something else. wink

Now it's EFFORT on her part. Sounds like you are GAL and it's throwing her for a loop. For her to see you, she now has to check with your schedule. My H just did this to me yesterday. I told him I would be in town for yup a hair apt next week and would like to get together and talk to him. He told me any day would be fine but to let him know ASAP what day and what time because he has other things planned. WHAT??? I have to check his schedule now? hhmmmpfff.... I LIKE TO SEE THIS!!! This is telling me that HE IS GAL and moving along.

Yes, you were that predictable.
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 04/17/10 07:52 PM
Jasmine, thanks for posting. When I first read your post, I thought you might be her! It is somewhat reassuring from your perspective that my W is doing these things to keep tabs on me. Maybe the door is not totally closed for her as she said before the S.

Maybe the S had to happen for real change to take place. If I had successfully talked her out of it, the relief of it may have lessened the motivation for change. Or perhaps remaining fears or resentments would have kept us too guarded to ask for what we both need.

We both know the answers to the rest of your questions.
Posted By: Steve McQueen Re: Please help with WAW - 04/18/10 08:06 PM
EXCELLENT!!

Thank you Jasmine. This is exactly what this thread needed.

Here we go Blue and all Back Stabbed spouses:

Originally Posted By: Jasmine
I still make apts in another state where my H is for "possible" contact. Me going by my H's house and not calling ahead, I am thinking/hoping/knowing he is sitting at home WAITING for ME to come back. A blow to the ego when I found out he is out doing something else.


Jasmine cheated on her husband and moved out. She wrote,

Originally Posted By: Jasmine
The last time I moved back to H, he was doing the groveling, begging and telling me he loved me,


Things you would naturally want to do as a LOVING husband, right? I read it everyday; Men writing how much they love their cheating, lying, back stabbing wives, and how they are telling them they love them, changing and bending over backwards only to be treated poorly so more. What did Jasmine do when her husband told her he loves her and she didn't want to hear it again?

She moved in with the other man. Isn't that the ultimate kick in the crotch response to an I love you?

Now her husband has moved on. Kicked her to the curb so to say. Too busy living his own life to accommodate her cheating ways, and what is she doing?

Driving by his house. Probably back and forth up and down the road, hoping to see him waking around the living room.

Chasing a woman who doesn't want you, chasing a woman screwing some other man. Does not work. If you don't believe hearing it from us men, read a woman whose husband got wise and look how she is back pedaling.


Thank you Jasmine and a word of advice, move out of the other man's house. Your husband will not even consider you as long as you are sleeping with another man. As dumb as we may seem and as bad of aim we have when taking a leak, We do not like sharing our wives with other men.

And Blue, let me make a comparison for you. A hair dresser for a woman is like a boy and his dog. When you find the right one you stick with him. Its not unheard of for a woman to travel that far for her hair stylist. I used to work with a woman that would travel to new york city every few weeks just for the day to get her hair done. Don't read anything into that.
Posted By: tristan Re: Please help with WAW - 04/18/10 11:22 PM
Originally Posted By: 2blu
I really rather not get a L if she does not. She has in possession most of what she wants. From what we have talked about, I owe her a bit of money and can keep the house. She has no interest in my retirement funds, truck, gun collection, etc.


blu,

I would rethink this. She does not need to know you consulted a lawyer, but you need to know what your rights are and what you can expect.

I know she says that she doesn't want the stuff above. But she may change her mind after a L tells her what she is 'entitled' too. Many WAS's do. There is nothing wrong with being prepared.
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 05/11/10 04:06 PM
Wow, it has been a while since I posted. The last conversation I had with W, I said that it wasn't fair that I would have to incur all the finance costs to refi.

I told her I still do not want a D. She said that is not what I said when she dropped the bomb in Jan. I said I was aknowledging that the R was not working the way we were doing things. I told her I understand that she feels unloved because I haven't shown her love in a way that she recognizes lately. I said that I understand how she feels and that before the bomb, I haven't felt unloved but marginalized and neglected. I told her our situation is a product of bad priorities and communication, and not about incompatibility. She said she does not think she can go back because the decision to split was too painful. I told her I have to trust that she will think about things and make the best decision for her. She said she really appreciated me saying that. She also said she completely understood how my work affected the R by stressing me out, tiring me out, causing me to put off vacations as to not get behind.

However, she wanted me to find out the process of getting her off the mortgage and said we could find a fair settlement to the equity.

About a week and half ago, she called my cell and left a message to call her because she wanted to talk about something. I didn't call thinking she would call the house later, (and knowing I haven't done anything about the mortgage). Anyway, I haven't called her back and she hasn't called again.

I think she suspects that I am trying to manipulate her with not returning calls and this no contact. I think she doesn't mind waiting me out.

I think I may call her tomorrow since she made the last overture. Besides, there may be a chance that our last conversation may have her thinking a bit differently. I have to say I feel petty avoiding her calls even though I understand she needs to see me as not waiting to talk her all the time.
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 05/12/10 03:48 PM
So, I have gone pretty dark since the S. When and how do you start talking about the R again?

I talked a little about it last time on the phone with W to remind her I do not want a D, but with no pressure on her to commit or reassure me. I feel like if too much time passes, she will get used to me not being around and also assume that I am ready to move on.
Posted By: AtTheEnd? Re: Please help with WAW - 05/12/10 03:57 PM
I wonder about this too. Do they miss the LBS or does the WAS just get used to the LBS not being around and go ahead with the D?
Posted By: sandi2 Re: Please help with WAW - 05/13/10 04:35 PM
Quote:
So, I have gone pretty dark since the S. When and how do you start talking about the R again?


You wait for her to break her neck trying to pursue YOU! You wait for HER to talk. You're still in the wrong mind set. You want to fix this by "talking".

Quote:
I talked a little about it last time on the phone with W to remind her I do not want a D, but with no pressure on her to commit or reassure me. I feel like if too much time passes, she will get used to me not being around and also assume that I am ready to move on.


And why did you think you had to "remind her"? Did you think she'd forget? You are letting fear guide your decisions. She "needs" to wonder if you are ready to move on. That's the whole point.

Quote:
Do they miss the LBS or does the WAS just get used to the LBS not being around and go ahead with the D?


That kind of thinking is not DBing. It is not what works with a WAW. She needs to be alone. She needs to suffer the loss of you being around.

Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 05/14/10 03:18 AM
But Sandi, I think my wife believes that she is setting me free, to eventually be with someone who will make me happier. I have not been pursuing. I actually think I am overavoiding her. I restated I did not want a D per some advice on this thread and to open the conservation about me understanding how she can feel that the M needs to end.

If I wanted to convey that I'm done with the M, the refi would have been done weeks ago. She would have her share of $$$ and we would have no reason to communicate whatsoever. IMO that would reinforce her conclusion that the M was dead to me and she was right to leave.

I appreciate everyone's input but I am getting conflicting advice. It is especially hard because of distance. Even if I turned into James Bond, she wouldn't be here to see it.
Posted By: sandi2 Re: Please help with WAW - 05/14/10 11:51 AM
I understand how confusing it must be for you. You have to do what you believe is right for your life.
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 05/14/10 03:44 PM
Sandi,

I'm not trying to be argumentative. I'm just telling my point of view right now. I really do not want to behave in a way that may set us back. But sitting back doing nothing is driving me crazy.
Posted By: sandi2 Re: Please help with WAW - 05/14/10 11:50 PM
Oh, I don't see you being that way at all. I believe everyone has to decide for themselves, and you are correct about receiving different viewpoints.
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 05/16/10 02:57 AM
It feels pretty rough now. Anniversary is Monday. I am definately not getting her anything though. Made that mistake on Valentine's Day while she was packing.
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 05/17/10 03:43 PM
So, I should not call or email W today our anniversary, unless she does so first. Right?

It is very contrary to what I want to do for both her and me.
Posted By: konfuseeed Re: Please help with WAW - 05/17/10 04:14 PM
I'm wondering about the anniversary thing myself, as mine is in a few days.
Posted By: Bworl Re: Please help with WAW - 05/17/10 04:28 PM
So many voices, not all saying the same thing. I know it can be confusing here. But the varied voices is also the strength of this board. It's up to YOU to do the thinking and deciphering to find what feels right and holds the potential for meeting your goals.


I understand that pursuit is typically a bad thing. I know for sure that if you have a spouse who is having a relationship with another, you want to give them NO indication that you are still thinking endlessly about them and your life together.


I'm all down with that.


But to this point, you say you have no evidence or reason to believe that your wife is involved in any way with another, right?


To me, that changes things.


If I were truly certain that there was not another relationship going on behind my back, I would not be so hesitant about sharing my honest feelings.


In fact, I would send her an anniversary card. And I would keep it simple inside, but would certainly mention something about still believing in your future together.


Her response to you during your last conversation was interesting. If your telling of the story was accurate, it seems to me that she responded positively to your comments about being stressed and not thinking straight, and to your comments about not wanting to be divorced.


Could this not be a woman who saw a loveless marriage with no prospects for change, and decided to take a stand? And could it not be that your response at that moment didn't exactly fill her with self-doubt, since you sure didn't profess your love for her and your acknowledgement at just how crappy your relationship had become?


Just keep an open mind.


Much of DB'ing is counter intuitive, but not all of it. One of the key principles in my opinion is to "DO WHAT WORKS." If you are receiving positive responses to an approach, keep doing it. If you are not, then stop.


Meanwhile...what are you doing about yourself? This time apart can and should be used by you to rediscover the man you were when the two of you fell in love. What has changed? And keep in mind that you can't stop working, so how do you fix what went wrong in YOU, knowing that the pressures of work are not going to go away?


There's stuff you should be doing blu, and very little of it has to do with her or the mortgage. If you truly hope for a rebuilt and restored marriage, that's going to require a rebuilt and restored YOU.


Blessings,

Bill
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 05/18/10 02:58 PM
Bworl,

Yes, it is confusing. Some here even advocate agreeing with the WAS that D is necessary, while some advocate reaffirming your committment to save the M.

I would agree that if it known the WAS is cheating, any persuing behavior just tells here she can come back whenever and if she gets done with the A.

I do not believe my W was in an A when she left. As time goes on, who knows? Especially if she thinks the M is over.

Yes, I think she took a stand because she wasn't seeing things getting better, although she was very resigned towards the end when I was sort of trying to be more attentive. I think my acknowledgement affirmed her decision. After that, everything I said or did to stop the separation, did no good.

My work situation changed before the split. It is much less stressful and demanding now. Her work situation has not changed and is IMO a big source of us growing apart. However, I think we could have managed it better. However her work will have to eventually change anyway and I believe she knows that.

I have also changed religiously and turned back toward the Lord. I am working on eliminating distractions in my mind that I thought were harmless but made me less intimate with the W. You have to realize that fantasies are not reality, and even if some were to come true, any pleasure derived would be fleeting.

I believe I can a be much better husband now and be much happier with my wife without all the thoughts of "what if?"
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 05/18/10 03:05 PM
I was hoping for more responses. Anyway there was no contact on Anniversay Day and I feel pretty bad about it.

I am thinking of sending W a short email.

Lately, I have been thinking of calling one of her friends for perspective. I think she will be sympathetic to me as she recently got a divorce her husband wanted.

Is this not a good idea?
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 05/20/10 04:55 PM
Is everyone on vacation?
Posted By: MrBond Re: Please help with WAW - 05/20/10 07:54 PM
Right now your W is on Autopilot with one destination in mind. To get out. You don't have to make things easy for her and you don't have to show her you're defeated. How has her overall attitude towards you been?
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 05/21/10 03:08 PM
She has been cheerful and pleasant in interactions with me since the separation, but all conversations have been about the mortgage.

Lately, there has been no contact at all. I think she has gone dark on me too. Perhaps, she is waiting me out to give up and get the refi going. Maybe she is tired of playing phone tag with me and is waiting for me to call. Maybe she let up about the refi to think things over. Who knows?

I believe she has to be wondering too.
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 05/24/10 02:58 PM
The other night I sent a short email to her work account. I basically said I want to respect her need for space but I have been thinking of her. I mentioned the anniversary and my hopes for a better future together.

No reply yet.

I guess this may qualify as pursuing behavior but, I feel she needs some reassurances from me. I hope I have not set myself back. But, I really don't see how it could do much harm.

I haven't called her friend yet. Any opinions on this?
Posted By: lees Re: Please help with WAW - 05/24/10 03:05 PM
*AWOOGA AWOOGA*

Not just "may qualify as pursuing behaviour" but about as loud a shout as you could give to her that she still has you over a barrel if she wants.
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 05/28/10 03:07 AM
Yep, pretty much what you said lees.

I got a reply thanking me for the email, saying she is sorry all we discuss is splitting up but that is what we are doing. She is sorry if that upsets me and she wants to meet to discuss finalizing financial matters when I get some free time.

It seems messed up that I want to arrange this meeting just to see her and make her face me. But, I think as long as I delay the refi, she will feel that I am holding on to her. Maybe I should finalize this refi with her, then go totally dark until she either comes around or files for D.
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 10/17/10 01:37 AM
I haven't posted in a long time. I also haven't gotten replies since my last post.

Anyway, I still want my W back but her position is the same. I met with her twice in the early summer to discuss some financial matters and for her to pick up some stuff. I have been dark since except for a couple of phone calls and an email.

Sometimes I feel I should give up on the M. I think about dating etc, but I guess I am not quite ready. I don't have that constant feeling of desperation anymore, but I still get moments of intense sadness. Truthfully, this DB stuff isn't showing me anything.

Both of our birthdays recently passed. My 40th came first with no contact from W since. I didn't really expect it, but it was still disappointing.

Her BD came a few days ago. I wanted to call or email, but after seeing negative reactions to my overtures for Valentine's Day and our anniversary I decided it was best not to contact her.

Does this stuff really work for more than a handfull of couples?
If so, how long? I think maybe DB works better/faster for those who stay in the same area and especially those with kids. My W can't see that I'm in better shape, have cleaned up the yard, not as stressed about work, etc.
Posted By: KEM Re: Please help with WAW - 10/17/10 02:35 AM
Tried to read the past comments. Just trying to throw in my two cents - for what its worth. She should know you don't want the divorce, so telling her over and over won't make a difference - she already knows. At least from what I could tell in your thread. Definitely need to show confidence. I would say to test the waters now and again - not about R. But try something other than finances. Don't go overboard and barrage her - but just a simple message after being dark a while and watch the reaction. Don't do anything with pressure on her, taliking about R, and don't make it about you. (If you make it about you then she will think you are just trying to convince her how great a guy you are and what she is missing.) If she works, maybe just ask how her job is going and leave it at that. Wait and watch.

Does DB work? Dunno, I'm still working on the process myself. But it has certainly been the best advice I've seen.
Posted By: KEM Re: Please help with WAW - 10/17/10 02:37 AM
I would't necessarily think about it as whether DB 'works.' Rememeber, you can't change her, she can only change herself and that comes with time - sometimes a lot of time.
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 11/03/10 04:26 AM
Had a phone convo the other day with W. I called her b/c she got some important mail here. She didn't pick up so I left a message about the mail. She called back a few minutes later, thanked me for letting her know. I agreed to send it to her. She asked if I was OK. "I'm OK, how are you?" I asked about her family and she asked about mine. I told her about some things going on with some family members. Then she engaged in some other small talk.

I didn't say much about myself at all and didn't ask questions about her. Most importantly, I didn't ask or talk about us.

I probably didn't handle it perfectly, but I think I did pretty well. The conversation was pleasant and light.
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 03/07/11 02:36 AM
Wow, several months have passed since I last posted. W hasn't shown up on the doorstep with suitcase in hand yet.

I went through the holidays with no interaction with her. After the new year I sent an email just asking how she was. We have been in some contact lately because we are filing taxes jointly. We met over lunch one day, besides taxes it was pleasant conversation about family, work, etc. No R talk started by either of us. It was the first time I had seen her since early summer.

It has been a year since she left now, so she can file anytime. I would like to use this opportunity to get out of no contact and get more positive interaction without "exhibiting pursuing behavior".

Any advice?
Posted By: Truegritter Re: Please help with WAW - 03/07/11 12:32 PM
Originally Posted By: 2blu
I would like to use this opportunity to get out of no contact


What was the purpose of no contact?

Has that situation changed?
Posted By: sandi2 Re: Please help with WAW - 03/07/11 12:57 PM
It's important to stay current with your thread here on the board. People can't talk to you if you're not here. smile
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 03/07/11 03:48 PM
The way I understand it, NC gives both parties time too cool off and calmly reflect on the relationship. It gives the WAS time to miss the LBS because the LBS isn't acting like an emotional desparate chump.

As far as the situation changing, I don't really know because it has been mostly NC for a long time. No children and different states makes for very little incidental contact.
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 03/07/11 03:51 PM
Yeah I know Sandi. Sometimes I think that my wheel just isn't sqeeky enough for anyone to notice.
Posted By: Truegritter Re: Please help with WAW - 03/07/11 04:05 PM
2blu

Something to consider.

IMO no contact is for you. A boundary if you will.

You decided you were no longer going to have her in your life until she ___________.

Well my question is what goes in the blank?

Or is it still blank?

Has she shown you what you need to see to risk your trust and feelings again with her?

If she hasn't made a step toward you what makes you think you taking that step will change things?

The Last Resort Technique (LRT) means your a willing to live with the consequences.
Posted By: sandi2 Re: Please help with WAW - 03/12/11 12:31 AM
LOL....well, you have a sense of humor. Sometimes you just have to journal and sooner or later somebody will come along and your thread will take off.

But, it does help if you post often and give details of what's going on.
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 03/22/11 02:32 AM
Got a message from W yesterday. She is working locally the next couple of weeks and wants to meet for lunch to discuss taxes nd filing papers (D). I am truly busy right now with a second job, so I have a legitimate reason to put it off a few days.

How do I handle this? Do I just tell her to go ahead and file and get divorced? Anything else would be pursuing, right?

You see my dilemma. I came here a year ago to prevent getting divorced. Now, I don't want to divorce because of doing nothing the past several months.
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 04/19/11 03:57 PM
Wow, no replies in almost a month.

I met W for dinner and we did some tax business. She told me that she is never coming back and we need to meet again to settle property. I told her the M can work and be stronger than ever, but we both have to want it and work for it. I asked her to wait until the second job is finished.

Now, I have just finished the contract on my second job. W called the other day to check on me after the bad weather. She wants to meet this week to settle things, presumably to file for divorce soon.

I need something now! Time is no longer on my side. Going dark has done all it can do at this point.
Posted By: ironMan Re: Please help with WAW - 04/19/11 04:09 PM
2blu ... I don't know what to tell you.

I haven't read up on your sitch but didn't want you to be without a response.

Give us some updates .... what 1802 did you do? How often did W contact you during the separation?

Why does she feel you need to divorce? What have you done to be the man she wanted to begin with?

Your W has given up on the M a long time ago and the M is in the past to her.

BTW, the papers don't matter. Your old M is dead. You can choose to give up now or not. Its up to you and nobody else when you are done.
Posted By: Redo Re: Please help with WAW - 04/19/11 04:22 PM
2blu if your wife wants a divorce, the harder you try to delay the inevitable, the worse it might get for you.

I am in the same boat now. Right now i have completely given up on stopping that train. What i can hope and do is better myself in every way so that i lead a decent life. If wife sees that and wants to come back into my life, my door is open. As all the pros here say, you have to improve yourself for 'you'. Not for your 'wife'. I know it is harder said than done. But try to be on that path and you will have less heartaches.
Posted By: sandi2 Re: Please help with WAW - 04/19/11 10:20 PM
Quote:
Wow, no replies in almost a month.


That's what happens when you don't post. Look at what I said in my last post. I thought you had quit. People won't reply when you don't post often. When I say often, I mean at least every few days in the beginning. You've got to give us more.
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 04/20/11 01:20 AM
Yeah, I do not post very often. I guess when there are long periods of NC, which I have been advised to implement, there is not much to say about the matter. Time goes by, she doesn't call me and I don't call her. I guess I don't see the point of posting "Another day, week, month has passed and she hasn't come back." I find the whole concept depressing and a bit whiney.

But, when I ask for it, I truly want some useful advice. Especially when time has nearly run out. A year hasn't made her miss me enough to come back.

I have seen her four times since she left 13 months ago, all for picking up things or discussing household business. We have communicated by email or phone maybe a little more than that. When she does see me, she is engaging and wants to know how work is, how relatives are, etc.

Again, I came here to bust my divorce. Not to learn to be single again or polish myself up for the next wife. Or to have someone pat my on the back everytime I do something for myself. I see the purpose of NC, but at this point NC is not working.

I know this post probably seems hostile and I know everyone is here to help or get help. But, I'm frustrated that I am exactly where I was a year ago, only with divorce much closer. Reading Divorce Remedy gave me hope. If I hadn't held on to that hope, I may have been ready to file myself at this point.
Posted By: MrBond Re: Please help with WAW - 04/20/11 01:26 AM
How have your interactions been while you were dark with her?
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 04/20/11 02:01 AM
MrBond, I don't really understand the question. There were no interactions while I was dark other than those mentioned in my last post. When we see each other to hand off tax documents or whatever, we typically meet at a restaurant, have a meal, chitchat about work and people we know. I'd say the vibe is friendly and pleasant, more so this spring than last.
Posted By: MrBond Re: Please help with WAW - 04/20/11 02:28 AM
That's what I was asking about. Any interactions you were having with W. Is she happy? Is she straight to business? etc.

During the time you were dark, what have you been doing to improve your self-esteem and GAL? If you have been changing for the better, has she recognized any of that? Has she been seeing an OM during this time?

We need details details details
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 04/22/11 04:09 AM
She will chat with me about work, friends, family when we are on the phone or meeting, but she doesn't contact me just to do that.
She generally acts happy, but has cried at a couple of meetings. Her mother is very nurturing so I think she is happy about spending more time with her.

As for me, I'm in much better physical shape, meaning I look and feel better than I have in years. She hasn't mentioned it but I don't expect her to. There is nothing else for her to notice other than my attitude, which I think would appear more positive around her.

I don't know about any OM. Haven't been stalking her though.
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 05/23/11 05:26 PM
Got a notice Friday to pick up a certified letter from the post office. Figured it was something legal from W, but hoped I won a drawing. Sure enough it was a civil summons for divorce sent by a law firm. Although my W has not been with me for over a year, this still hurts. I feel I cannot avoid and delay this much longer. Maybe it is time to meet with W, and finish splitting up our marbles and be done. So far nothing has seemed to work to turn this separation around, including talking, not talking, and lots of prayer.
Posted By: 2blu Re: Please help with WAW - 06/15/11 05:04 PM
There are only days left in my marriage unless I receive a miracle. W explained that I do not have to do anything about the D, unless there are material things I contest. She no longer asking for part of the house equity (which sadly means moving on is more important to her). I have not filed a response, since the way we split things when she left is financially favorable to me at this point. I see no point in giving lawyers part of our money when it will not stop the D.
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