I have heard so much recently about how women like strong men with backbones, etc.
Guys (and girls) please fill us in - what attracts a man? If we can put all women in one basket as wanting a strong, confident man, surely there are some traits that men look for.
Help us gals out.
I am so following this thread and looking forward to the answers!
Seriously, read
Why Men Love Bitches. Spells it out in detail. The attitude. How to get them in pursuer mode. How to show self-confidence and self-respect. Written specially for all of us nice women
Who gives a crap?
Somehow it was the first thing to pop into my mind when I saw a thread title. Written under the influence of anger.
We need some males on this thread.
Confidence is good.
A smile is good.
Eye contact, kind of goes with confidence.
I like someone that doesn't panic the first time something goes a bit different than the plan.
It's going to sound trite, but I have a feeling that if you are happy with yourself, men will find you attractive.
I'd imagine that what men find attractive is what women find attractive in a partner: love, honesty, respect, similar life goals, kindness, & physical chemistry.
But that seems to apply mostly to people who are in a healthy space to seek out healthy partnerships.
For unhealthy, insecure, lying, or deceitful people, they seek out easy conquests, love without responsibility, enablers, or casual sex.
So depending on the state of being of the person, I imagine attractiveness has a sliding scale based on the individual's state of mind rather than any global or stereotypical (or generic) traits.
So happy secure guys look for happy secure women.
Unhappy guys seek out women they can "fix" or "f_ck" to make themselves feel better.
It really does depend on the man:
I like:
A woman who can put her hands in the dirt and garden and not worry about her nails. I've always gone for the more 'toomboy' woman, but that's just me. I M was hyper-critical and a fault finder - definitely a trait I don't like at all.
I like a woman who can go out with minimal makeup and not feel insecure.
If she can wear a baseball cap that's extra points.
I've never been into the 'glamor' thing, but some men want only that.
I think a lot of the same traits that women like in a man: sense of humor, can stand up for herself and not people please, can be responsible for her part in the relationship and work on issues she might have. I'm sure there's more.
I think the point is it depends on the man and what kind of woman you are.
I also believe attraction happens on a subconscious level even though we think we are 'picking' that person somehow.
My 2 cents.
passenger... i have been dying to know the same thing, I always read that for the guys on here with the WAW, they say to be assertive and all that cause thats what a woman wants in her man,and the going dark thing and GAL would prob really help, but for girls??? i just dont know either....
1.) Honest
2.) Communication
3.) Realizes at times life beats down her man and he will need someone to lean on when it seems like the whole world is against him. (work,finances,house repairs)
4.) Sex with passion and intamacy, not just a F...
5.) One that does not question where the money comes from when her husband buys her an expensive gift. (I like to buy my wife diamonds and she yells at me everytime I do)
6.) Lets her husband help out with things and doesnt nag when he does not do them her way. Who cares if the damn towel is a bit crooked when folded.
7.) When running out to McDonalds for a takeout, please go with me when I ask, I spend so much time at work even those few short minutes with you alone mean the world to me.
8.) Let me be the man I am trying to be and dont nag me because the paint that I just used to cover the hole in the wall doesnt match within an exact gradient if you look at it in broad daylight. Or when I say we will do this at this time, dont bitch about it till the point I give in for fear of making you mad.
9) When I come home from work, I dont expect dinner to be on the table, but it would be nice to find a clean cup in the cabinet instead of in the sink cause you have been "busy" all day watching soaps or playing warcraft.
10) When I ask what is wrong, dont just say "Oh nothing" and then run in the bedroom and cry. I love you, I want to be there to comfort you against the storms that come your way, but I cannot due that if you dont let me in. I cannot always fix the problem, but I can be a shelter from some of the hurt.
11.) Last but not least, DO NOT EVEN CHEAT ON ME OR YOUR ASS WILL BE OUT THE DOOR SO FAST YOUR HEAD WILL SPIN.
And thats what I would/will look for in another woman if my sticth goes south. Many of the things above could be switch around to "looks for in a man". Oh yeh, a nice ass doesnt hurt either!!!! OMG YEH I WENT THERE!!!!
CONFIDENCE.
A demeanor that says "I WANT you, but I don't NEED you (to "complete" me or some other b.s.)."
Eye contact.
A woman who doesn't just want to talk about HERSELF all the time.
Someone with passions, interests, PURPOSE to her life.
Humor.
Physically: eyes, teeth, legs.
Puppy
Puppy -
Found some of that confidence over the past few weeks. It's amazing the affect it has on others.
WANT don't NEED. Yup.
Confident
Professional
Educated
has a career
has good tires on her car
has a savings account (with money in it)
Versed in current events
Has her OWN opinion of things...even if they are 180 to mine
(with Puppy on this one) WANTS to be with me, not NEEDING to be with me
can manage her own affairs successfully
can go out in public without make-up
is just as content in staying home for movie and pizza night as she is in going out for $200 dinners and concerts.
Understands that there are down times in relationships and can co-exist through them.
Nice backside, eyes...(the Shallow Hal part of me!!)
I think the important thing to remember is that many of us are dealing with individuals that may be attracted to what we can offer; but they are NOT attracted to us. Their warped realities prevent them from seeing us and the history between you and your spouse can also prevent them from seeing our good qualities.
Remember too, that ... beauty is in the eye of the beholder!!
GREAT list, MC -- wholeheartedly agree with
these ones:Confident
Professional
Educated
has a career
has good tires on her car
has a savings account (with money in it)
Versed in current eventsHas her OWN opinion of things...even if they are 180 to mine(with Puppy on this one) WANTS to be with me, not NEEDING to be with me
can manage her own affairs successfully
can go out in public without make-up
is just as content in staying home for movie and pizza night as she is in going out for $200 dinners and concerts.
Understands that there are down times in relationships and can co-exist through them.Nice backside, eyes...(the Shallow Hal part of me!!)
Gee, MarriedCrazy! We should be married! LoL
(Workin' on the backside, though... LoL RUNNING!)
And, I get flat tires a lot, so they're always new! (Couldn't be my driving!)
Sorry, I just had a funny thought when I read your list...
""""beauty is in the eye of the beholder!!""""
I have a male best friend that says, "Beauty is in the eye of the Beer Holder!"
Just a little funny.
Seriously, guys, this is all very interesting. Thanks for taking the time!
wired - i know that was supposed to be a serious post but you made me laugh so hard.
i haven't laughed/smiled in a while.
i just wanted to say thanks for making my day.
dumped.
I have a male best friend that says, "Beauty is in the eye of the Beer Holder!"
I've been known to wear my beer goggles when I was a younger man!!
seriously
wanting to be with me, not filling a need.
soft touches of reassuance for no reason.
knowing what she wants, no sitting on the fence.
a lady (manners of a lady no burping or farting...lol)
happy with what each day can be - not dwelling on what yesterday wasn't.
make the first move for romance once in a while (set the mood with dinner or candles or something)
love a smile (or as puppy said "teeth" - yes she needs to have teeth too i guess)
a woman who isn't afraid to accept compliments - self confident.
nice butt helps but not necessary....:P
omg, this thread is somewhat bogus already.
I have observed, ad nauseam, that men love to rescues damsels in distress. So much for "confident" women.
I think it was Candice Bergen who said that men say they want a confident, independent woman, but then they tear her down, brick by brick.
Oh, and men love long hair, no matter how sh!tty it looks.
Ok, let the name-calling begin...."bitter"....etc.
I have observed, ad nauseam, that men love to rescues damsels in distress.
Hey..I resemble that remark...I'm trying to put it past me tho..the source of ALL my troubles..
let me see..all of my ex GF's (except one, I lost her...didn't know how to relate, she didn't need rescuing)...oh and my STBX needed rescuing.
So, probably most of the men on here are "rescuers." I know I'm guilty of that.
Oh, and men love long hair, no matter how sh!tty it looks.
Have you been reading my journal again????
omg, this thread is somewhat bogus already.
I think it was Candice Bergen who said that men say they want a confident, independent woman, but then they tear her down, brick by brick.
Oh, and men love long hair, no matter how sh!tty it looks.
And in response to Candice Bergen - Woman want a man who is rock solid, but want to be able to control his every move.
so statements like that are bullocks.
no name calling from me - i don't see bogus crap, just people who are in different situations expressing what THEY would like.
there are sterotypes for both sexes, but they are just that sterotypes....not all inclusive.
and yes...even messy long hair is pretty attractive.
these lists help in our 180s.
at least we know what we should work on.
i think often we lose sight of some of these things and we let ourselves go - and fart every once in a while.
but the list of things truly do help us see what we should be focusing on.
it's not necessarily to save our m but we should take care of ourselves for us. that in itself, will exude a confidence that men like.
i also believe that chemistry is a huge factor.
you can have all of these great qualities but if there is no chemistry, it won't happen.
someone needs to start a thread on what's attractive to women.
dumped.
Thats funny, Im seeing more of a trend towards a nice ass as being key to a healthy relationship.
And what is wrong with saving a damsel in distress? If my wife is hurting I want to be there for her. If she is being chased by a big dragon I hope she isnt wearing glass slippers and a nice pair of running shoes so she can get in front of me.
Even with the struggles that I am going through right now and the pain and hate my wife has caused me, I would still lay my life down on the line for her if needed.
I was raised by my mother to respect women and I hold this very deeply as one of my "boundaries". Even though I have stumbled a few times with this.
And if that is not acceptable in todays society well then todays society can just take a running leap off the nearest cliff.
mindfull,
I have a male best friend that says, "Beauty is in the eye of the Beer Holder!"
Just a little funny.
Not "Just a little funny," but today's
Belly-Laugh Of The Day Award!
i know men don't find the b*tchy attitude attractive.
how does one fix that?
and yes, that is a serious question.
my problem is that men like women who can stand up for themselves.
i can stand up for myself but it comes off as being a b*tch.
i go through the lists that you've posted and despite having a lot of those qualities, i'm still the one who is dumped.
i attribute it to my b*tchy attitude when the man doesn't appreciate the things i do.
am i out of line when i don't want sex after you've hurt my feelings and didn't acknowledge it even though i blatantly said i was hurt?
breathe.
sorry.
had to get that off my chest.
now i'm just one bitter b*tch. thanks h.
dumped.
My views may not by typical, but I like......
A woman who doesn't have body self image problems to the point that it inhibits her ability to relax and enjoy sex with her partner. Some have called this confidence, but I view it as someone who has a true appreciation for sex and all it can do and mean in a relationship along with how much pleasure it can provide to each other.
A woman who really enjoys showing me and cherishing my enjoyment in receiving emotional love in my principal and secondary languages of love (Chapman, 5 Languages of Love). That is a woman who is proud of her skills as a woman in pleasing her man.
A woman who really enjoys receiving emotional love from me and provides me with opportunities to do so in her languages of love.
Someone who is interesting, intelligent, and who I can trust.
Someone who is or will be a good mother of our children
Someone who will take care of me and our home
Someone who values our relationship and is willing to be hurt occasionally so that we talk through problems in a way that brings us together for the long term. That is someone who does not withdraw or avoid problems when they have grown to a point that they need to be addressed. Someone who is committed to a relationship to make sure little things don't turn into big problems.
Someone who is willing to sacrifice current spending or extra work, or reduced quality time for a shared goal, whether that is a home, vacations, secure retirement, family that is well taken care of.
Someone who a man can be proud of in public and yet is adventurous in private and even likes to stretch/shock her man in private in ways she is willing to please him and experience life.
Someone who a man can absolutely count on to be there for him when life is hard or unfair and will work to build up his spirits.
Give most men a woman with the above qualities and it doesn't really matter if she is overweight, too skinny, her nose is too big or her breasts are too small, he will be in love with her, value her and sacrifice for her. At least that is my opinion.
i know men don't find the b*tchy attitude attractive.
how does one fix that?
and yes, that is a serious question.
my problem is that men like women who can stand up for themselves.
i can stand up for myself but it comes off as being a b*tch.
i go through the lists that you've posted and despite having a lot of those qualities, i'm still the one who is dumped.
i attribute it to my b*tchy attitude when the man doesn't appreciate the things i do.
am i out of line when i don't want sex after you've hurt my feelings and didn't acknowledge it even though i blatantly said i was hurt?
breathe.
sorry.
had to get that off my chest.
now i'm just one bitter b*tch. thanks h.
dumped.
You can be ALL those things that are attractive to your spouse; but if they are in an A, they will NOT feel attracted to you.
and, no...you're not out of line for not wanting sex after being hurt... It's his personality that doesn't accept it...I've been guilty of that in the past as well...DAM disease!!
i think that's a great post.
i agree with the points in theory.
but it has to come from both sides.
a man can list all of his wants but he must also be willing to give in the relationship.
what will you bring to the table in exchange for all of these 'wants'?
the problem i have experienced is that i've done a lot of giving and exhibited many of the things you've listed.
but in the end, i grew tired of giving all the time.
intimacy has been cited as a reason for our incompatibility.
but really.
when h hurts me and doesn't acknowledge my feelings, is it my fault that i don't want sex?
if you make me feel like i'm just a one-night-stand, do you think i will continue to be intimate with you?
no.
the funny thing is.
i took the language of love test and my love language is touch.
i love the hugs, cuddling, i love it when my h touches me.
yet, h thinks intimacy is not a priority or a passion for me.
in reality, it is a passion and priority for me.
i just don't like being treated like a one-night-stand and i don't feel close to h when he hurts my feelings.
is that so wrong of me?
dumped.
the "bitchy" attitude or nagging attitude are definate turn-offs.
chemistry....or the "spark" needs to be constantly nourished by both parties as well - so i add to my list
a woman who can devote herself to me.
a woman who can devote herself to me.
be careful of that statement.
sometimes it will come off as being needy and clingy.
dumped.
One thing I think needs to be added to this thread. Some men are just assholes who no woman in the world can please. You see these guys at kids soccer matches yelling at coaches, other players, their own kids etc. They then go home and down a 12 pack of Pabst and beat the dog out of frustration.Then they go into the closet and grab a porn mag wishing the wife they are with could be one of these photoshopped bimbos.
I read some of the stories on this board and I see true men and women who have made sacrifices for the ones the love but have slipped and stumbled along the way and causes a rift in the marriage. I see it in my own life.
Get right down to it, some people marry for the wrong reasons and usually someone gets hurt. Its all a matter of finding the right person I guess.
As an example (and no Im not hitting on her) I read Prairie girls story and so want to reach out and smack her husband upside the head for doing the things he is doing to her without realizing what he has. And I am sure there are others that if they knew my wife would want to reach out and smack me upside the head.
But this goes both ways. Sometimes people are just not ment to be together and [censored] happens. But what we all seem to be trying to do here is be the best that we can be, so either our marriage will come back together, or the next relationship will work out better.
Gnosis always tells LBWs to start doing 3 things that make them happy every day, and to use their threads for accountability. He doesn't just advise women to do this for their own well-being, though I know that's part of it. He knows what we all do...happiness is very attractive.
So sisters, I'm laying down the challenge. Join the 3 things cult
the "bitchy" attitude or nagging attitude are definate turn-offs.
chemistry....or the "spark" needs to be constantly nourished by both parties as well - so i add to my list
a woman who can devote herself to me.
Poor spelling is a definite turn-off for some women....
Kimmie - Now THAT is bitchy, but damn funny! LoL
Gman - HUGS LOL
Now I know why my wife wants out...I R NOT GUD SPELLLER.
Thank you so much guys. You gave way more than I thought... I really wanted to see if there was a pattern. Like from my perspective, some women like blue eyes, some like strong arms, but it's pretty universal that when asked, they'll all say a good sense of humor and confidence.
Keep it coming.
I think it was Candice Bergen who said that men say they want a confident, independent woman, but then they tear her down, brick by brick.
I think you could easily say the same thing in reverse, Kimmie Lee. Women SAY they want a strong, confident man, and then they proceed to nag him and emasculate him, and tell him how he's doing everything wrong.
At least SOME do.
Puppy
A good book to look at would be For Women Only:
What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men by Shaunti Feldhahn.
I found the counterpart book, For Men Only, to be very informative.
For me, I find confidence, a sense of humor, and intelligence to be very attractive traits.
Poor spelling is a definite turn-off for some women....
roflmao - touche
but isn't that why microsoft invented spell checkers...lol
I don't think it's limited by gender at all. I think it stems from the fact that very few people understand what makes a healthy relationship work. Some people may just be sensitive or mature enough to "get it", while the rest of us need to learn the hard way.
That is where the work we should be doing on
ourselves is so important -- we learn how to recognize those tendencies and qualities in ourselves, and how to deal with them.
(And you can add my votes for "sensitive", "intelligent", and "possessing of a sense of humor" to the pool.)
I think it was Candice Bergen who said that men say they want a confident, independent woman, but then they tear her down, brick by brick.
I think you could easily say the same thing in reverse, Kimmie Lee. Women SAY they want a strong, confident man, and then they proceed to nag him and emasculate him, and tell him how he's doing everything wrong.
At least SOME do.
Puppy
The exact quote is:
Men say they love independence in a woman, but they don't waste a second demolishing it brick by brick.
Quotation of Candice Bergen I guess I relate to this so much because not long after I married, My h began nagging me to quit my job(a career I had worked hard to get, and he knew that when he met me) and stay home. HA! THAT would have been a good move.
I just don't get why people simply cannot accept you for who are.
I just don't get why people simply cannot accept you for who are.
I agree.
Puppy
my problem is that men like women who can stand up for themselves.
i can stand up for myself but it comes off as being a b*tch.
DFM, I think that a lot of "strong" women struggle with this...I know I do. We may have a strong sense of ourselves, but if our actions don't come from a place of true self-confidence and self-worth then what we project won't come off right. There aren't many positive role models for feminine assertiveness. I learned a lot from
Why Men Love Bitches about how a woman can assert herself in a more attractive way, how she can project self-worth in how she manages power dynamics in a R.
Yes, God forbid we don't come across as "attractive."
Do men worry about this?
Yes, God forbid we don't come across as "attractive."
Do men worry about this?
No. We just worry our penises are too small.
Puppy
Puppy must not be a Great Dane?
It is not the size that matters. But rather all in how you work it.
Puppy must not be a Great Dane?
LMAO.
There's an old Polish proverb, which says "Even the Dane frets that he's not the Wolfhound."
Puppy
WOW...this thread has taken a dive....
i was thinking tangent....not so much of a dive...lol
I am so not commenting on this tangent.
I was thinking it was a nice, humorous way to spend a Friday afternoon. We all need some smiles, so hey, may as well while learning something.
BTW I like Great Danes. I'm more of a rottweiler person, though. Any rotts out there?
define rott - or do you mean rotweiler owners....lol
No. We just worry our penises are too small.
Puppy
Now this was funny!!
We all know this:
A woman marries you for the man you are.
She changes you into the man she wants you to be.
Then she leaves you because you're not the same man they married.
So sisters, I'm laying down the challenge. Join the 3 things cult
Excellent plan, flowmom! I'm in!
I'll redo my list:
- A woman who will give me the room to do things my way. She want sit there thinking I've somehow made a mistake because I didn't do it 'her' way.
- No freakin fault finders. We can always find fault in everything. Let it go.
- She is just as comfortable in sweats chasing each other in the yard as getting dressed up for a night on the town
- She can go out in public without makeup
- She calls me on my BS on the spot. she doesn't back down and holds her point. None of this dragging crap up that happened a century ago from that amazing brain repository where they keep the entire history of wrongs in high definition surround sound format.
- She says what she wants. No mind reading.
- Can go with the flow and not catastrophize stuff.
I was emasculated by my W. I remember often asking her why she's trying to cut my b@lls off. I also remember saying, "Can't we go a week without you finding some fault?" Of course it's all my fault...lol.
I think we say we don't want a damsel in distress, but hidden somewhere in us is the need to be needed - and what better show of that than rescuing a woman? Of course, totally unhealthy and dysfunctional.
Am I intimidated by strong independent women? Sure, to the level that I'm insecure and dysfunctional myself. Because after all, if the woman doesn't 'need' me, why would she stay? Umm...maybe because you make her life better by being in it?? lol
- Tell us what you want. Clearly and directly.
- Don't tell me what I am thinking or feeling.
- Don't predict how I am going to react.
- If I am not meeting your needs it is your responsibility to let me know. I really want to know how I can take care of you the way you want.
- Dont assume every time I touch, kiss, flirt, tease, or hug you it is about me asking for sex.
- Ask me what I am thinking, feeling or wanting.
- Appreciate me. I know I have faults but don't run me down in front of mys kids, friends or family.
- We are different. Think different, talk different, solve problems different, actions, desires, goals, dreams, roles are all different. The differences make us stronger together.
- You send us contradictory messages with what you ask for and how you act. Confuses us DAM.
- I don't have to talk to communicate.
- My love languages are affection and time together. Very important to me, makes me feel loved.
- I don't need you, I want you. Big difference. I choose to be your husband, friend, partner, lover and parent with you.
- We need to fix things, sometimes we are fixing the wrong things, we need your feedback if it is not what you needed fixed.
- I want to know what you think is sexy.
- I am not your girlfriend.
- Don't try to change me. I have to do that.
- Find out what I think is sexy and why.
- Sometimes we want to be pursued.
- Emotional connection is important to us as well. We just do it different: guys like to do things, women talk about things.
- We have no idea who you are when PMS/menopausal symptoms arrive and we get blamed for letting hormones run our lives! You say and do things that you don't realize are harmful and act like its OK because its your hormones.
- We are natural providers (hunters). We need to be appreciated for that role.
- Don't always tell me no.
- Let me lead. I understand we are partners but I take my role as the head of the household seriously.
- We love you just the way you are.
old thread same idea:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...395#Post1535395
I read Prairie girls story and so want to reach out and smack her husband upside the head for doing the things he is doing to her without realizing what he has.
Oh, no no, Wired. Thank you for your compassion, but please, no smacking required! He's a good man who's just been living the only way he's known how to, to this point. Trust me, I'm no angel. I've injured our relationship in as many ways as he has. He can't behave in different ways until we learn to relate together in different ways. And that's happening now, truly.
I was actually going to post a conversation I had with my neighbor (male, have known him forever and we are really good friends) in my other thread and ask the men for their opinions. Maybe it would be fitting to post here.
I am pretty self sufficient. I like to know how to do things. If I don't know how to do something I either ask somebody to teach me or look up instructions. The maintenance man in our building is also a good friend of mine and when I need something done he is really good about coming over and teaching me.
For the past few weeks I have been sort of home bound due to an infection and one can only work/study so much. I decided to really revamp my entire apartment. I moved furniture, refinished several pieces of furniture, installed a new faucet (with sprayer WOOT) in my kitchen, removed and made all new window treatments (I have huge floor to ceiling windows so this is no easy feat!). The maintenance man taught me to use his saw and he helped me make a storage unit for my office closet. I also cut a new leg for an old armoire I had to repair it. I also replaced (with minimal supervision!) the sconces in my office. I also made a container garden in the bay window in my breakfast room. I moved all my furniture and put several large pieces in storage.
Anyhow, I was telling my neighbor all of this and he started laughing and told me when I meet somebody new don't ever tell them all this stuff as it would be a turn off. He said that men would not like all of that. I asked him why? He just said I would need to wait a while to reveal to a new R how much I can take care of on my own.
Personally I found that to be an odd comment. So, men, do you agree? I am a girly girl... I LOVE to cook, am learning to sew, am a bit of a freak about cleaning/laundry and I like to do as much as I can on my own. IMO that is a good thing.
For a few days now his comments really have been bugging me. He didn't say them to be unkind but I think he was being pretty honest. He also said that somebody like me would probably be better off with a man at least 10 yrs. older than me.
Let me say that I have known my neighbor for 13 years, he is 52 and I am 35 and we are really good friends. Maybe it is our age difference but I just found the entire conversation to be really strange. I personally would be very happy with a man that knew how to do things on his own.
Next time your W complains about buying her diamonds - send them my way.
MC - Are you my FB friend? If so, you will see if happens there, as well. Must be something in the blonde!
So, men, do you agree? I am a girly girl... I LOVE to cook, am learning to sew, am a bit of a freak about cleaning/laundry and I like to do as much as I can on my own. IMO that is a good thing.
Wanna get married? I think that is super sexy that you can do all that stuff. But that's me. I can imagine how it would be a problem for insecure men. I think I would like to work side by side with you rather than come home one day to see you put an entire addition on the house in a day..
Now, if you put on a baseball cap we may not get any work done.
As I chase down my issues I'm starting to realize why I always preferred women who were 'helpless' in a way or needed 'rescuing'. And it has everything to do with my poor self image, lack of self validating. It really boils down to - if she doesn't need me, why would she stay?
So I think in any situation if the people are not healthy adults they will be intimidated when the opposite sex can do or do better things they feel are valuable contributions which will make them feel 'needed'.
I'm making this stuff up as I go...lol.
Well, the one thing to keep in mind is somebody (my stepfather, the maintenance man) taught me to do this stuff. I mean, I am on my own so IMO when you don't have a partner then you just proceed on your own.
I would enjoy doing this stuff with a partner but right now that is not my life, yanno?
My H's philosophy was he works hard all day and he would prefer to pay somebody to do things so he can use his nights/weekends for fun and relaxing. My neighbor (the one I had the conversation with) is not in the best of health. He had a kidney transplant 20 years ago and is back on the list. He works long hours and basically knows where to conserve energy and also pays people to do quite a bit for him. In his case it makes sense because he is ill and knows his limits and has to work so he does the best he can.
I guess it got me thinking because that was one of my H's chief complaints... I was too independent.
I decided to really revamp my entire apartment. I moved furniture, refinished several pieces of furniture, installed a new faucet (with sprayer WOOT) in my kitchen, removed and made all new window treatments (I have huge floor to ceiling windows so this is no easy feat!). The maintenance man taught me to use his saw and he helped me make a storage unit for my office closet. I also cut a new leg for an old armoire I had to repair it. I also replaced (with minimal supervision!) the sconces in my office. I also made a container garden in the bay window in my breakfast room. I moved all my furniture and put several large pieces in storage.
Anyhow, I was telling my neighbor all of this and he started laughing and told me when I meet somebody new don't ever tell them all this stuff as it would be a turn off. He said that men would not like all of that. I asked him why? He just said I would need to wait a while to reveal to a new R how much I can take care of on my own.
Personally I found that to be an odd comment. So, men, do you agree?
Hell no!
I think it's smokin' HAWT!! It's like when a woman can hold her own talking about football, or -- better (as an indicator, anyway) -- hockey. A guy hears that and is just "God, that is SO attractive!"
There is nothing, to me, as attractive as competence. I know we're talking about "what attracts men to women" in this thread, but ladies if you ever want to fill your man's emotional bank account, just compliment him, not on his LOOKS, but on something he DOES WELL.
Puppy
Summary: men don't know what they want.
I thought this thread would be about "womanly" and "manly" behaviour and how you would feel like a man next to a woman and visa versa. Why are we talking savings accounts and small penises?
I know we're talking about "what attracts men to women" in this thread, but ladies if you ever want to fill your man's emotional bank account, just compliment him, not on his LOOKS, but on something he DOES WELL.
Puppy
Women like being complimented on their work too. Just don't turn it into a competition.
you guys are such liars ...
and you gals know exactly what men like ...
jeesh.
Actually, I think many women (myself included) *think* they know what men like but actually have no clue.
Obviously if you see somebody for the first time without speaking a word human nature is to notice physical attributes.
A really good friend of mine is marrying a woman who is drop dead stunning. And while she is nice to look at she is not very nice. His sisters, his friends, his co-workers have all tried to make friends with her and she won't have any part of it. Maybe behind closed doors he sees something we don't but looks can't be THAT important. When his dad died she got very upset when any female hugged him after the funeral. I don't get it. He is happy though so we are happy for him.
So I guess I don't really know what men like for the long haul.
you guys are such liars ...
and you gals know exactly what men like ...
jeesh.
In the immortal words of George Clinton and P-Funk
Why must I feel like that
Why must I chase the cat
Nothin' but the dog in me
Why must I feel like that
Why must I chase the cat
Nothin' but the dog in me
Do the dogcatcher, dogcatcher
Do the dogcatcher
Do the dogcatcher, dogcatcher
Do the dogcatcher
Do the dogcatcher, baby, do the dogcatcher
Ooh
Why must I feel like that
Why must I chase the cat
Nothin' but the dog in me
Why must I feel like that
Why must I chase the cat
Nothin' but the dog in me
Bow-wow-yippie-yo-yippie-yeah
Bow-wow-wow-yippie-yo-yippie-yeah
Bow-wow-yippie-yo-yippie-yeah
Just walkin' the dog
Oh, atomic dog
Futuristic bow-wow
Ruff
Leader of the pack
Wild dog
Why must I feel like that
Why must I chase the cat
Just the dog in me
Nothin' but the dog in me
Why must I feel like that
Why must I chase the cat
Just the dog in me
Nothin' but the dog in me
Stay thirsty my friends.
Do men get offended if a woman is more competent in something like what CG has mentioned in her post?
Like a house project that you are doing together?
I really think that is why mom mom and stepdad are so solid.
Sure, they both learned from their first long term marriages and that is huge. They have life experience and wisdom (both in their early 60's now). They have different strengths but they merge them well and there is no power struggle between them. They work very well together (in all aspects of life, I don't just mean "work" per say) but more importantly they work AT it.
There are some areas where my mom is more competent and other areas where my stepdad is more competent but they seem to really learn from each other.
They are both very good communicators. Maybe that is experience and wisdom too.
Is emotional support what men want most from women?
Attractive women who worship the ground they walk on (feed their ego). That's what guys like.
Disclaimer: This has nothing to do with relationships. Just what guys like. Woof woof woof
Complimenting on competence is a way of expressing support.
Feeding their ego is also support.
Do men get offended if a woman is more competent in something like what CG has mentioned in her post?
Like a house project that you are doing together?
Only if they have poor self-esteem.
Maybe we should separate what's attractive from "my dream woman" description.
Like in being confident and physically fit is attractive in men, but if he's not a good protector and provider, than who cares.
you guys are such liars ...
and you gals know exactly what men like ...
YEP...... I can honestly say that the first thing that is attractive to me is looks. If she doesn't pass the looks test, she is out. If she passes the looks test, then I like eye contact. Eye contact says much......
If she passes that.... Is she friendly....
If she passes that... Does she laugh freely and often at my stupid jokes....
and it proceeds on in this fashion.......
I don't like b*tches... Done deal if I get that vibe....
UNLESS..... she is a knockout... knockouts get second chances...
Puppy said: "Women SAY they want a strong, confident man, and then they proceed to nag him and emasculate him, and tell him how he's doing everything wrong."
The thing is, with a truly strong, confident man, he will not ALLOW her to nag him or emasculate him. He will force her back down if she is simply trying to test him...and yes, we do try to test him.
DQ
The thing is, with a truly strong, confident man, he will not ALLOW her to nag him or emasculate him. He will force her back down if she is simply trying to test him...and yes, we do try to test him.
EXCELLENT observation. True on all accounts
I don't like b*tches... Done deal if I get that vibe....
UNLESS..... she is a knockout... knockouts get second chances... This is so dam* funny! I hear ya!
Here is what my husband claims to like about me, supposedly not in this order, but this is the order I assume he liked me first, second, and third....
*T*
*A*
*Heart*
Your husband sounds a lot like me...... I can relate to him..
I believe you also have them in the correct order..
This forum is actually an interesting study of what men and women like and don't like. I have never really counted but there seems to be an even mix of men and women or pretty close to even. Obviously a main theme all brought us here and while that is usually the topic of conversation you can sort of see personalities come through (to a certain extent) without ever knowing what the people you "talk" to on here look like "in person".
Maybe it is different for women but somebody could look like Johnny Depp (insert your hot man here) but if their attitude stinks I won't give them the time of day as far as getting to know them better. I realize you can't always judge somebody personality on a first meeting but if the vibe is not something I like I really won't look past that too far (maybe wrong?).
When I met my H it was sort of forced. We were hired at the same company and happened to get paired up as training partners. While he certainly is not ugly I had no real feelings about his looks either way. I did notice he had really nice eyes but I tend to notice attractive things about PEOPLE. There is a lady in my building that has the most gorgeous hair you have even seen. I admire it all the time so I am not sure it's a male/female thing for me totally.
Anyhow, my H and I became fast friends... we had lots in common and when you are stuck in a tiny room with somebody for 8 hours per day (our training lasted 2 months) you tend to shoot the breeze with them. We were friends for about 6 months before he asked me out and I was shocked when he did. I was far more attracted to what I got to know about him then I ever was his looks. To me, what I learned about him as our friendship grew was what I was drawn to and he became *very* good looking to me.
Obviously I don't have much respect for him now but I really think if I just randomly saw him and didn't know him I honestly probably would not be drawn in on his looks alone. But maybe that is not a fair thing to say as the history is intense.
Maybe that is the big difference between men and women. Sure, we all are attracted to what we feel is visually appealing but I wonder if women look past "the look" at a more rapid pace then men do?
Yes. Women do look past the look much faster than most of the men I know.....
Interesting that you sound like you wouldn't give Johnny Depp the time of day if he was a jerk even though he was chasing you..
I would have to see that in reality to believe it though..
Okay, I will modify and say I might give Johnny Depp the time of day (or night, lol!) but otherwise, NO!
If this happens IRL I will let you know
My sister and I still laugh about this...
We noticed when we first met my stepdad he wore VELCRO SNEAKERS. We told my mom and she said she never even noticed, lol!
Thankfully she convinced him to get rid of those horrid things but we could not believe she didn't notice big old white Velcro sneakers. Now when he buys new clothes (even if he is with my mom) he calls "the kids" (my sister and I = the kids) for approval
Velcro sneakers are NOT visually appealing (especially the suckers he had) so women must see past "the look" quick!
Yes do let me know...
I want to be able to say that I know the only woman that turned down Johnny Depp....
Are you women attracted to the "comb over"?
Or does the personality cancel it out?
How about shorts with long knee high black socks with velcro sneakers?
I am not sure I ever came across anybody that I had an exchange with that had a comb over except I teacher I had in HS that was about 150 years old! Aside from Donald Trump do people still wear that "style" (using the word style in a very loose manner!)?
If I have a roll in the hay with Johnny Depp or a man with a comb over I will report back
CG
I do think looks are very important to a guy but some guys can look past them quickly too. I was recently at the gym and I was walking past one of the trainers who honestly is very average in the looks department. However, as I walked past her, she looked at me and gave this incredibly beautiful smile and it was like whammo! I immediately found her attractive whereas at first glance I didn't.
I tend to look for substance in a woman almost immediately (intelligence, friendliness and a fun, laid back attitude being key for me).
Ok. I will be holding my breath and checking this site religiously. Enquiring minds want to know....
Long black socks with Velcro or a hip sack would be bad. Very bad. I am not saying women don't notice certain things (gross nails is a big one!) but in general I think women care less about looks then men. It doesn't mean we don't care AT ALL but maybe a bit less.
You know the male figure skater that won the gold for the US? Evan somebody or other? My friend was saying how hot he was and I almost threw up. Sure, he might be tall and dark and handsome (?) but he comes off as so feminine in the interviews I saw and just bizarre that his looks mean jack.
I do think looks are very important to a guy but some guys can look past them quickly too.
I look past them very quickly...Quickly to the exit.
The odds are awfully high I will be able to report about the comb over dude first!
I always want to throw up when people say Angelena Jolie is Hot. I can't see it for some reason.
Oh hell, *I* would sleep with Angelena Jolie. I have always thought she is one of the most beautiful women in the world visually speaking.
The odds are awfully high I will be able to report about the comb over dude first!
How funny.....
Just sayin' different strokes for different folks! I think she looks way too uptight.
Have you ever had those people that you thought were very very hot on some days, and then the next day you think what was I thinking yesterday? Some days hot some days yuk?
(When NOT drinking)
Maybe it is angle of approach that causes this effect. I know some people have good sides and bad sides. For example, Mariah Carey only allows people to photograph from one side of her face I have been told
On Seinfield there was a whole episode about that Gucci...they called her a "two face".
Hmmm......I like a big.....and six-pack abs, a full head of hair (his own)....beautiful teeth (his own)....
Actually, I can't stand jocks or rednecks. Ew.
I am attracted to tall, slender, dark-haired, scholarly, almost effeminate looking guys.
Seriously.
To me, attractive is a combo deal. Everything looks just right in balance for the man's culture, history with women/mom/etc, and indoctrination from TV & other media.
But attracted, that is (I'm finding) the emotional component. That is the part I can commit to. When I feel that my W really gets me, wants me/my body, trusts me enough to relax into me, and will risk her own emotional safety to share something I want to know - that's a real turn on.
I remember that one actually. My favorite was the "she's got Man Hands" episode.
Wait! I just get back in and now we're talking about Johnny Depp? WAIT! Let me go get the popcorn and wine.
I think men and women are both shallow in differeny ways.
Physical appearance is #1 with men. Conversely, no matter how hideous they are, most men think they're all that. Funny, that!
And boy, do we women laugh our asses off at some of the ridiculous posturing. Why do guys pose down in front of the mirror? Very, very few men can pull this off. And it is such a turn-off anyway.
I have seen lots of very beautiful women with hideous men. But that is because these men have money and some other sort of status.
Or, they play bass in a band. Those guys can get away with being hideous too.
- Don't always tell me no.
honesty
I think what we are attracted to changes over time. When we are younger, men may be mostly attracted to looks and the feminine form and may not realize that there has to be more substance than that in order to keep his interest over time. After dating a lot of beautiful but crazy women, and man will usually start being more discerning about what qualities he is attracted to, versus simply physical attributes.
I think this is true for women, too, although the opposite order may happen. Younger women will tend to be attracted to men who make her "feel good" when she is around him. Usually this only happens for a short time in the beginning of a dating relationship with young people. Then she usually realizes how immature he is, but by then, she may be in love with him and find it hard to step out of a relationship with him, because women tend to think that love is hard to find or that it is the only thing needed to keep a relationship going. Younger women tend to think that love is scarce and are afraid to leave a bad relationship if love is present. Most of us realize as we get older that you can love someone but still not be good in a relationship together. Love is not enough.
A problem with the "feel good around him" attraction for younger women is that it can be such a wide range of types of guys who make her "feel good" and she may have no idea why he makes her feel good. It could be something about her upbringing or personality - versus something about the man himself. For instance, a man like her father, may make her feel good around him. Or a very very "bad boy" type make make her feel good around him. Or a very intellectual type may make her feel good around him. Until a woman is older and understands that she will tend to choose toward men who bring out unresolved feelings within her, she will keep leaning towards the ones who make her feel good, even if this is actually not what she is attrated to or what she needs.
As a woman matures, she tends to understand what she needs more and more and will end up being attracted to those types of men instead.
But anyway...back to what a man finds attractive...
I had said somewhat jokingly that my husband is attracted to me in this order:
*T*
*A*
*Heart*
This is only the beginning. First he sees you, notices your physical attributes, and then wants to talk to you. In the case of my husband and I believe many other men, by talking to you a man has a type of intuition that can see the quality of a woman's heart. Younger men may still go for a "bad girl" even though he knows instinctively she does not have a very pure heart, but a more mature man knows that a good heart is very valuable.
So if you pass those tests of a man's attraction, then there are more...
The next things my husband was attracted to about me were:
*Mind*
*Personality*
*Inner strength*
My mind is keen, I can make decisions, I'm not insecure. My personality is bold (not all men like this, but your personality will always be something they look at for their own preferences). My inner strength is obvious.
After that there are still more tests, so the next on my list as far as my husband's needs were:
*Willing to need him*
*Willing to support him*
*Ability to be faithful and honest*
By "willing to need him" I mean, he needs to feel needed and that he is providing me with something I need and want. I wasn't so independant that I would never be able to need him in anyway and that was attractive to him (other men may feel differently about this). Willing to support him means that I don't have a problem with his particular hobbies or his career, that I will be supportive of his personal choices and not pick at him or try to change him in those areas. Ability to be faithful and honest is obvious what it means, but my husband had a larger need than many men would have for this and boy was I tested on it. Luckily, I passed that one with flying colors.
And then finally, the final test that comes along is this one:
*Ability to put him in his place when necessary*
This one is a hard one to pass, because it means exactly what it says...WHEN NECESSARY. Knowing when a man NEEDS to be put in his place is hard. They test us, just like we test them. And they will test to see if we will put them in their place when NECESSARY, or just "whenever". A woman who wants to nag or bitch or control or change a man, is trying to put him under her thumb. This is totally different. This is not "when necessary". When necessary means literally, sometimes it is necessary for a man to know that he cannot get away with certain behavior in a relationship. Its sort of like being a very good boss or manager to a man. A man will respect his boss if he or she is good, and he will allow that boss to put him in his place, and then he will respect him/her all the more. A man will understand that he did something out of line and allow (even welcome) an authority putting him in his place when he needs it. Men don't hold a grudge about this when it is necessary and when it is done with authority and respectfully. So it is within a relationship with a strong man and a strong woman, she must be able to put him in his place when necessary, in a way that doesn't lose his respect. Its a tough thing to do, but when you really do it correctly, it makes a man go gaga for you.
And of course, I could talk about the same attraction women have for a strong man who can put her in her place too....but I've already talked a lot about that in the SSM forum. :0)
Cheers!
DQ
My experience is that I only want her to be willing to need me WHEN I already want her to like me.
That is one women don't grasp. I have seen women on this site trying to get a man that is wayward to feel that she needs him.
That only irritates him MORE. The wanting her to need him goes hand in hand only with a woman he already wants or already is in love with. It doesn't work with a woman he has no interest in. HE is turned off by a woman who needs him when he doesn't want her.
That's why I ordered them the way I did. The order comes as a man gets to know you, still likes you, is still continuing to date you and headed toward a relationship with you. The list doesn't work out of order or in a relationship that has already gone bad.
DQ
And then finally, the final test that comes along is this one:
*Ability to put him in his place when necessary*
HUGE TRUTH..... Bingo..
That is one of the saddest things I see on this entire site.
So many women that just won't put a WS in his place.
That is one of the saddest things I see on this entire site.
So many women that just won't put a WS in his place.
Hey, Gucci... it took me a year being HERE, but I've got it! In fact, had to do it again this am! LOUD APPLAUSE! (for myself!)
Funny how he's quite eager to go run the errands we need done now!
Smart woman...
Once we know for sure that you WILL put us in our place and will NOT tolerate anything less than our best...
Guess what you get then?
OUR BEST....... My wife is the most gorgeous, sweetest, most giving woman I have ever met....
But if I EVER told her I wanted space or wanted out or had an affair....
It would be OVER.... for HER..
And I know it and will not take that risk... She makes me want to be a better man. She reads this site and is always amazed at the weakness of the women on here. How sad is what we both feel. Especially when we here the "I did everything I could to save my marriage" We say "no you didn't.. you didn't try getting tough and letting go as an option"
And I don't mean putting us in our place by the typical nagging, yelling, screaming, silent treatment and the other things that don't work.
The smart woman has different methods that work far better.
The smart woman has different methods that work far better.
Would you elaborate please?
I'd like to hear that too.
Or, they play bass in a band. Those guys can get away with being hideous too.
I used to play bass in a band. Does that mean I can start to let myself go a bit
And then finally, the final test that comes along is this one:
*Ability to put him in his place when necessary*
This one is a hard one to pass, because it means exactly what it says...WHEN NECESSARY. Knowing when a man NEEDS to be put in his place is hard. They test us, just like we test them. And they will test to see if we will put them in their place when NECESSARY, or just "whenever". A woman who wants to nag or bitch or control or change a man, is trying to put him under her thumb. This is totally different. This is not "when necessary". When necessary means literally, sometimes it is necessary for a man to know that he cannot get away with certain behavior in a relationship. Its sort of like being a very good boss or manager to a man. A man will respect his boss if he or she is good, and he will allow that boss to put him in his place, and then he will respect him/her all the more. A man will understand that he did something out of line and allow (even welcome) an authority putting him in his place when he needs it. Men don't hold a grudge about this when it is necessary and when it is done with authority and respectfully. So it is within a relationship with a strong man and a strong woman, she must be able to put him in his place when necessary, in a way that doesn't lose his respect. Its a tough thing to do, but when you really do it correctly, it makes a man go gaga for you.
And of course, I could talk about the same attraction women have for a strong man who can put her in her place too....but I've already talked a lot about that in the SSM forum. :0)
Cheers!
DQ
I would tell all the women here to take note of this one. This is big. Before I married my W I literally told her - "Don't take any of my [censored]. If I give you [censored], stand up and call me on it."
Why did I tell her this? Because I knew I was going to give her [censored] and push boundaries. Inside I also knew she was a people pleaser - when I say inside I mean not sitting her in my conscious mind.
I remember her getting pissed at me because she was over extending herself and she would get mad at me because I wasn't there enabling her. I would tell her to back off, they don't need you to do that, you're over extending.
But I did pull some [censored] with her. No A or anything like that, just got complacent, got my values a bit scrambled, she saw it, but she never stood up. Maybe said something here or there but she allowed me to run right past it. I wish she would have tackled me and smacked the crap out of me, even give me a good shot in the b@lls.
I know it sounds backa$$wards, but it's true.
How do you want to be called on that? Could you give an example?
How do you want to be called on that? Could you give an example?
yes, tell us the HOW.
My experience is that I only want her to be willing to need me WHEN I already want her to like me.
I have to ask this,
What is it with married woman and the flirting and the touching and the eye contact, text messaging, and the sexual ineundoes? Are there that many men not sexually satisflying their wives? Are they just looking for attention? Is there truth to the seven year itch?
I'm serious. I went to a dinner party last night and I felt like a co-star on desperate housewives. I have known some of these people awhile others for just a short time. Always act upstanding; maybe a little generous with my flirtatous comments, but I never imagined being hit on so often in my "middle age" by my "friends" wives. Come on girl, you're married and I never saw you have a hard time standing in those high heels before and I ain't no movie star.
Now, I am not entirely clueless nor innocent. And stupid idiot that I am actually asked "what are you in need of." Whoa, did I find out. Try to make you hate me and I can easily make you mine. When I realized where this was going and talked myself out of this conversation, later when found myself talking with someother woman the little catty remarks that were exchanged later between the two were almost as if this was a high school party. I honestly, think their husbands were clueless or maybe just self-absorbed and I'm standing there with a drink in each hand like trouble.
Venus on Fire when their Men are on Ice.
I'm not harping my confidence, "know yourself," act like a stud and date advice, but if they were single I'd be a little less confused.
I remember her getting pissed at me because she was over extending herself and she would get mad at me because I wasn't there enabling her. I would tell her to back off, they don't need you to do that, you're over extending.
I believe her reason for being angry went right over your head.
I doubt she was mad because you weren't enabling her. Usually it is because she was telling you she was feeling exhausted and overwhelmed because she had so much to do and you were trying to tell her what to do.
You should have said something like this..
"Wow honey, I know you have a lot going on and probably feel pulled in all directions. How about I take you out to eat tonight and I will clean the house for the next few weeks and let me know if there is anyting else I can do to help ease your load."
Do you realize that she may have then said.." I know I should just say no sometimes, but I always take on more than I can chew"
Sometimes the woman is just wanting to talk about all the things she has going on and once she has talked about it and felt heard, she gets centered again.
wholeagain and dudess...I highly recommend that you read Why Men Love Bitches. It will totally explain the "how". It is very hard to explain it without getting everyone's feathers ruffled around here.
But basically, as I said in my example, be like a manager. A manager has authority and can and will fire you for insubordination. He or she knows this at all times and therefore isn't insecure about his/her position. YOU must be insecure of YOUR position, instead. So part of the "how" is how you feel about your position. If you don't feel secure in it, if you don't feel you can/would kick him to the curb for insuborinate behavior, then he will not respect your authority. So please lets not get into a debate about how some managers are jerks and blah blah blah...just think of a good manager whom everyone respects. If that manager takes you aside for a talking to, you are nervous and you really do want to change things for the better afterwards....you want her or him to respect you again. There is nothing different between a manager and a real person, it is all about the level of respect they have from us. So you earn your man's respect over time by your acting with authority.
Here is just one quick example:
You go to dinner with your man.
He turns his head to look at the waitress.
You say "sorry dear, but I won't be disrespected like that. You don't take your eyes off of me when we're on a date together, got it?"
He says "what? Chill out! I didn't do nuttin'."
You say "and now don't further disrespect me by pretending it didn't happen. Every other man in this restaurant has his eyes on ME, so you better get them on ME, too."
He may grumble and act like he is in trouble for no reason. You smile and change the subject. Guarantee you that he will respect you for more doing this than if you had sulked about it later. Some women may not care if their man looks at the waitress, but a man will not respect that woman as much. This whole example won't work if you are simply jealous, versus demanding that he RESPECT you.
I hope that is a decent example, but please do read the Bitch book. Don't let the title scare you off. It is full of great advice.
DQ
I remember her getting pissed at me because she was over extending herself and she would get mad at me because I wasn't there enabling her. I would tell her to back off, they don't need you to do that, you're over extending.
I believe her reason for being angry went right over your head.
I doubt she was mad because you weren't enabling her. Usually it is because she was telling you she was feeling exhausted and overwhelmed because she had so much to do and you were trying to tell her what to do.
You should have said something like this..
"Wow honey, I know you have a lot going on and probably feel pulled in all directions. How about I take you out to eat tonight and I will clean the house for the next few weeks and let me know if there is anyting else I can do to help ease your load."
Do you realize that she may have then said.." I know I should just say no sometimes, but I always take on more than I can chew"
Sometimes the woman is just wanting to talk about all the things she has going on and once she has talked about it and felt heard, she gets centered again.
Actually I need to explain more of the context. This was early on in our R and it was more of an example of her people pleasing rather than an example of me needing to be called out.
We came out of a very unique and stressful situation and we were living at my sister's house. My S and her H went to Hawaii for two weeks and my W and I watched their two kids. I watched my W over extend herself entertaining the kids, who could self entertain for periods of time. My W kept giving them attention without taking a break. I would talk to her and tell her they are fine if they are left to be on their own once in a while.
I've been known as super playmate to these kids. I mean to the extreme. But I also know when to take a break and recharge my batteries. My W didn't know how to do this. And because she was getting tired, she wanted me to fill in for her, but I could see it wasn't needed. This is where some of the tension came in.
It was a self imposed load created by her and resented by her. It's like the person who is doing so much for so many people and getting burned out complaining about how everyone expects her to do everything - when the truth is she doesn't know how to say no and the situation is really her own creation.
Hope that clears it up a bit.
When my W said she thought we should go to M counseling years ago, and I said, "We don't need that." She didn't press the issue.
Calling me on my [I'll censor it for you] - "It's fine you don't think we don't need it. I think we do. So if you want this relationship to continue on you will join me in counseling. Even if you don't, I will go myself. I'm not happy and I refuse to stay in this position at all."
Some women may not care if their man looks at the waitress, but a man will not respect that woman as much.
SUCH egregious nonsense. Some of us are secure enough that we don't feel the need to monitor and punish constantly, and still get plenty of respect.
Men who constantly push the boundaries of "what they can get away with" in speech and behavior and want/expect women to call them on their "naughtiness" instead of policing their ownselves to respectful behavior have Mommy issues. If that's what you want to function as, that's fine, I guess.
Wow Kett...I truly have no idea why you feel the need to attack me and try to turn this around as if "I want to function as a mommy".
I can't express my ideas like everyone else without getting you jumping down my throat, why is that?
You seem to hate me based on some pretty weird notions. Maybe you haven't realized it but basically, you have never said anything decent to me at all, you've only attacked me and tried very hard to make me look silly. Wish I knew why this was, but I guess that is something within you.
DQ
DQ - Just got the Bitch book. Hope I don't go overboard!
He may grumble and act like he is in trouble for no reason. You smile and change the subject. Guarantee you that he will respect you for more doing this than if you had sulked about it later. Some women may not care if their man looks at the waitress, but a man will not respect that woman as much. This whole example won't work if you are simply jealous, versus demanding that he RESPECT you.
wouldnt this have more to do with male sexual curosity than respect?
"wouldnt this have more to do with male sexual curosity than respect?"
The difference in my example is that they are on a date together. The man has plenty of time to explore his male sexual curiosity when he is NOT on a date with a woman.
The man has plenty of time to explore his male sexual curiosity when he is NOT on a date with a woman.
dangit...I thought I turned my webcam off...
I went to a dinner party last night and I felt like a co-star on desperate housewives.
LOL!!! Now that I'm the single guy in the neighborhood I'm noticing some interesting behavior by a couple of the Mom's. Like you said SMQ, flirting, touching. I'm thinking in the back of my head "What the ???" So funny, after I got some of that from the Mom's who brought their kids to my son's birthday party, I texted a friend of mine and asked "What, am I on desperate housewives now?"
...Guys (and girls) please fill us in - what attracts a man? If we can put all women in one basket as wanting a strong, confident man, surely there are some traits that men look for. Help us gals out.
This is always an interesting topic. If you are asking about attracting a new man into your life, first impressions are huge.
1) Start off by living a
healthy lifestyle. Make healthy choices when eating. Drink plenty of water. Get good sleep. Exercise regularly. Take care of your body. Set a goal to reach, and then maintain, your ideal weight.
2) Make
good grooming and hygiene a ritual. Accentuate the differences between the sexes.
3)
Dress with style - fit, compliment, cohesive, unique, personal touch
4)
Attitude (state of mind) – Happy (smile), Cool (Open and relaxed body language), Calm (slow), Confident (eye contact), humorous, seductive (ozz sex), Depth (mysterious, surprise ), Sincere , Interesting, Engaging
5)
Awareness/Flirting ( 93% of communication is non verbal (body language) – study and enjoy what you find attractive and your body will naturally follow your thoughts. It is the ladies job to catch and hold a mans eye, several times if needed. This signals it is OK for him to approach. It is the mans job to approach the woman.
PS: This is my list of how to attract a female. I find the same things attractive in a female. It will most likely make you more attractive to the WAS also....
You don't take your eyes off of me when we're on a date together
Every other man in this restaurant has his eyes on ME, so you better get them on ME, too
If a man needs to be told this twice then there is a problem. One lonely night should be enough.
Simple....Self Confidence and secure.
I've been thinking more "what's attractive to men" while you are DBing them.
Hard stance is often recommended here for men, but I don't think it works the same way for women.
You know even research in salary negotiation shows that women leave negative impression if they try to negotiate an offer, while men leave positive impression when doing the same. Hmm, I need to find that research, I wonder if there is more to that.
What do you think? How should a hard stance look like for an LBW?
I've been thinking more "what's attractive to men" while you are DBing them.
...What do you think? How should a hard stance look like for an LBW?
So many straight lines and not enough time.
Seriously, if you know a man well enough to DB-him, you should know his sexual fantasies, his turn-ons, his weaknesses, the things he has practically begged you to do and you have made sure over the course of the marriage that it hasn't happened, his primary and secondary languages of love. If you know him that well, DB'ing should be just a little bit of trial and error and taking notes as to what works when and how far you need to go with various verbal/visual/tactile/oral stimulants.
Men really are fairly simple creatures when we are sexually satisfied, well fed, gotten enough sleep and attension and had our ego's boosted, we are pretty happy.
MWD in her books does a pretty good job of spelling out the typical things that most men need.
Except none of that qualifies as a hard stance.
Seems like the only attractive thing in that case would be going out on dates and be in demand by other men.