Ha ha. New thread.
Previous thread...
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1952630&#Post1952630I think I will make dinner plans tonight. Kids are back with W for the week.
Kevin
Lots of dinner ideas here:
http://thisiswhyyourefat.com/Dont forget to do your situps afterwards.
You too Steve McQueen!
Blasted situps.
Haha!
Kevin
You guys are going to look hot at the beach this summer with all the situps!
You guys are going to look hot at the beach this summer with all the situps!
I see sushi in my future tonight. Where is the beach? Can I make fresh sushi there?
woot woot!!
Kevin
Thank you
Is this the all situp/pushup thread?
Is this the all situp/pushup thread?
It appears to be so yes. lol.
Last night was fun. I went to sushi with some friends, then went to a dance studio and then went to mass at 3am.
Today I went to a meetup group for lunch that goes around trying different ethnic authentic resturants. Tonight I am taking dance lessons and then I am not sure what if anything after.
W came by for a few minutes because she was trying to find D8's nintendo DSI. Didn't find it. She informed me she won't have the girls tonight since they are doing a sleep over. I told her I am taking west coast swing dance lessons at a dance studio at 8 and she is welcomed to join and come learn if she would like. She said she might but that her lady friend is coming over to her place at 6pm and not sure what her lady friend will be feeling up to. She asked me where it was, the name of it and I told her and how much it costs. She said ok and that they might show up.
I don't expect them to. But anything is possible. She didn't appear totally closed to the idea.
Kevin
You have convinced me, I need to try sushi!
where on earth do they have mass at 3 am?!
On the first Friday of every month, there is an all night vigil offered at the sisters of carmelites. My priest offers a mass at different times of the night when this occurs.
Kevin
I admit. The loneliness is setting in now. Only a week left of this and then I start my job.
<sigh>
Kevin
So have you contacted the L yet or have you gone back to sitting on the fence?
I admit. The loneliness is setting in now. Only a week left of this and then I start my job.
WOW. Perfect time for situps!
if you are sick of situps, have you tried lying leg raises or reverse crunches? both great for hip flexor strength.
Been wondering how you are and where your mind is at these days. Hope its in a forward progression!!
So Saturday I had told W I was taking dance lessons that night and she was welcomed to join since she wouldn't have the kids that night. She didn't show and I didn't expect her to.
Today we are IMing a bit because she and D8 were sick yesterday and just chatting about a few different things.
Then she says the following...
"i wanted to say thank you for the invite to the lesson for saturday night. meant a lot. i'd like us to be friends. just takes some time."
I said back, "np. agreed"
I realize this doesn't say M or business only. I wasn't quite sure how to respond so that is how I responded.
Kevin
Boom!
I really like the invite, and the IM. Friendship is always where it starts, in any relationship or marriage. She's testing the waters a bit, and it sounds like you handled it very well. You sound good man.
After catching up on this thread, I'm going to do some situps! While unemployed I was working out all the time and down to 206. Now I have plenty of money but I'm back to 224. Hard to be both! W's family is all extremely overweight but also rich. LOL.
After catching up on this thread, I'm going to do some situps!
excellent. excellent. this is the situp thread.
remember, there was a time when tyson could only do 20? it doesnt matter where you start at as long as you continue to have constant improvement.
I am ordering a pizza tonight. How many situps does that require? There will be pepperoni on the pizza. But it is a thin and crispy pizza. lol.
Kevin
Been wondering how you are and where your mind is at these days. Hope its in a forward progression!!
I had a good weekend. Went dancing a couple of times. I am having a bit of trouble focusing this week and I am ready to just get back to work. But all in all, I am doing ok.
Kevin
Glad you are doing well. I bet work will really help your mind move forward as you will be so busy.
Dancing huh?
Ya, dancing. It is an esape for me. It is fun and when I am on the dance floor, it's like everything else disapears. I can just focus on my technique and who I am dancing with and just have fun.
I was talking to a friend of mine about it and she said that is why most people are dancing because it allows you to escape from everything else going on in your life for a while.
Interesting.
Kevin
If you are looking for a new activity that can sort of "take you away" try yoga. I LOVE my yoga classes and there are several men in any give class. Many studios allow you to pay as you go so you don't have to commit to a block of classes. All you really need is a yoga mat and comfortable clothes.
For me its walking, bike riding or lifting weights to get my mind off the stresses of the day. Oh yeah and of course baking
Keep up the good work Kev
If you are looking for a new activity that can sort of "take you away" try yoga. I LOVE my yoga classes and there are several men in any give class. Many studios allow you to pay as you go so you don't have to commit to a block of classes. All you really need is a yoga mat and comfortable clothes.
whats your favorite pose?
I love yoga. So good for your body and mind.
Ya, dancing. It is an esape for me. It is fun and when I am on the dance floor, it's like everything else disapears. I can just focus on my technique and who I am dancing with and just have fun.
I was talking to a friend of mine about it and she said that is why most people are dancing because it allows you to escape from everything else going on in your life for a while.
Interesting.
Kevin
"Satisfaction came in a chain reaction. I couldn't get enough, so I had to strut my stuff!"
All in all, communication is improving between me and W. We chatted online for a couple of hours today.
We talked about things such as what is going on in the lives of our daughters and things coming up with them and their feelings and concerns on things. We also chatted on where we are both looking to move and now W is thinking about possibly looking at the same apartment complex I am looking at to save money and not have to do maintenance and be close by for the girls.
She contacted me first today to mainly talk about D12's comments to her about wondering if they were going to do anything fun over here with me this weekend. D12 said I don't spend very much money. Well, I don't compared to what W and her fammily drop on things. I said I am creative though and do things with them that they enjoy. She said she tried to explain to D12 finances, etc to make her basically understand that money doesn't grow on trees.
I talked about teaching the girls how to dance again and W said she would be in on that when they are with her as well and just a bunch of other things.
At the end of it she told me to have a good night. I said you to. She said thanks.
Just the fact that we were able to chat about things for a couple of hours today was encouraging.
All in all, positive lines of communication are opening up a bit more frequently now. She asked if I had any plans tonight. I said I am studying trying to prepare for this job. She doesn't know that I have actually struggled at times with focusing and am behind on my own personal schedule. But what I don't finish, I will pick up on the job.
She does seem to be reaching out more and taking a bit more interest in me these days, but still a long ways off from an ideal situation.
Baby steps I guess. 19 months later and some doors are finally starting to just crack open between us. It has been a rough 19 months and hard to believe it has taken this long just to start to crack the positive lines of communication. But better late than never.
It is a start in the right direction and it is encouraging that she is starting to look at friendship with time and doing things together without the kids with time.
I have no expectations what that time frame may be as I would never have guessed it would have taken 19 months just to get to this point.
Kevin
Hallelujah! Kevin you've just achieved what all of us have been trying to tell you that you needed to do. You went out, GAL, kept all pressure off your W, stopped being judgemental and now things are starting to get better between you two.
You've gotten the ah ha point. Not saying this will be for R, but you start with having positive interactions and take care of yourself.
Great job!
Thanks Bond,
I have been trying to break the old Kevin.
It is still a very long road ahead, I have no doubt. But it is nice to see some tiny cracks starting to form in the wall I have faced for so long now.
Kevin
Sounds good. Just keep on detaching. NO EXPECTATIONS.
Remember she is still way ahead of you in detaching and is at a different place.
She might be thinking "friends". You are thinking friends leading to something else.
My friend got to this point as well then was asked by his WAW to double date with her boyfriend sometime. Needless to say it didnt go over well.
Keep on hoping for the best and preparing for the worst.
You sound good. Keep on breaking that "co-dependent" dynamic.
God Speed. PMA
My friend got to this point as well then was asked by his WAW to double date with her boyfriend sometime. Needless to say it didnt go over well.
Ewwwww! That is horrible!
I used to love watching TLC's "Trading Spaces" show, where neighbors/friends make over a room in each other's houses...
One week I was surprised to see it was two ex-spouses, both with new spouses, making over each other's homes. How could I ever want to 'spruce up' my ex's bedroom with his new wife? Eww....
That's some detachment right there....
One week I was surprised to see it was two ex-spouses, both with new spouses, making over each other's homes. How could I ever want to 'spruce up' my ex's bedroom with his new wife? Eww....
That's some detachment right there....
You ain't kidding.
Kevin
She might be thinking "friends". You are thinking friends leading to something else.
My friend got to this point as well then was asked by his WAW to double date with her boyfriend sometime. Needless to say it didnt go over well.
LOL. She wanted an orgy with her EX.
Would'nt that have been a pi$$er if the new girlfriend went without him?
She might be thinking "friends". You are thinking friends leading to something else.
Time, patience, no pressure and GALing.
Kevin
Time, patience, no pressure and GALing. Kevin
Bingo!!! Get out there and LIVE
Maybe I should buy a motorcycle and start riding.
Kevin
Maybe I should buy a motorcycle and start riding.
Kevin
I don't even know you IRL but that would be so hysterical! Just can't picture that....but it would be really GALing and PMA!
I don't even know you IRL but that would be so hysterical! Just can't picture that....but it would be really GALing and PMA!
A couple friends of mine are riders. Would be fun to join up with them.
Of course this does not go over well with D12. She told me that if I want mommy to come back, do not buy a motorcycle.
Ummm... gee thanks kid. lol.
Kevin
W called today to let me know there was a tv show coming on that D8 loves to watch. From there we ended up having a good chat that lasted about 45 minutes. We talked about things D8 likes to watch, a resturant we discovered online while talking that we want to try, making sushi at home and finding seafood grade tuna and salmon to do it with, W's day yesterday in st. pattys day weekend festivities, my job starting tomorrow, what I have been learning, her church quoir, whether to join a buy in bulk store, etc.
Finally her lady friend called and she needed to get off. She had made mention that she wasn't sure how we got off the subject of her original reason for calling, but we had a really good time chatting and laughing together and just plain talking.
Kevin
Kevin, thats sounds really positive. Hope it keeps up.
Kevin, thats sounds really positive. Hope it keeps up.
Thanks lea74,
I am just letting things fall where they may. I don't pursue her. She seems to be ever so slightly getting more comfortable with me again now.
Kevin
That is good Kevin. Your M may or may not be restored..but if not its great that you can be friends. My first exh and I talk all the time like that. Its wonderful for the kids when mom and dad can get along.
A couple friends of mine are riders. Would be fun to join up with them.
Of course this does not go over well with D12. She told me that if I want mommy to come back, do not buy a motorcycle.
Ummm... gee thanks kid. lol.
As one of your motorcycle friends, I say go for it! Talk about a 180, your W won't know what to do with you.
I got my Harley 6 months after separation, but W was very in favor of it. The texts went something like this:
"would you ride with me if a I got a Harley?"
"ride with you on it? I'd have sex with you on it"
I bought one that night. LOL.
I got my Harley 6 months after separation, but W was very in favor of it. The texts went something like this:
"would you ride with me if a I got a Harley?"
"ride with you on it? I'd have sex with you on it"
I bought one that night. LOL.
did she?
I got my Harley 6 months after separation, but W was very in favor of it. The texts went something like this:
"would you ride with me if a I got a Harley?"
"ride with you on it? I'd have sex with you on it"
I bought one that night. LOL.
did she?
I knew you'd like that one SM.
Nope, got to remind her to make good on her promise;)
She did get an extremely HOT shirt from the Harley shop that she wears when we go riding. Surprised me which one she went for. Scandalous.
Nope, got to remind her to make good on her promise;)
Why remind her? Why not just do it?
Glad you are finding ways to enjoy your time with your wife, Jon.
Kevin
I wonder where 25 is these days?
Kevin
I wonder where 25 is these days?
Kevin
Wow...you are asking for it!
Could it be you aren't in need of any scoldings right now? Keep it up!
Why remind her? Why not just do it?
Good call.
Kev, I'm also wondering, how's the job going?
I think 25's MIL passed away a couple of weeks ago.
She may be dealing with that.
The job is absolutely great. My boss is a great guy and my partner is a great guy. I love what we will be working on and the people I will be working with. I couldn't ask for a better situation. I am completely thrilled and grateful for the position I have. Thank you God. I sincerely mean that.
If that is the case with 25, certainly her and her family have my condolenses. I hope everything works out as best as can be there for everyone.
Life is continually getting better for me. Good friends, good job, communication is improving between me and W, and I am part of my kids lives. Studying is lightning up now as I was busting my butt cramming to learn sql server based off some sql discussion in the interview, and turns out, won't need it at all. Just need to know sql, which I am already knowledgable on.
So I am not studying tonight. I'm going out for sushi tonight. I completely forgot it was St. Pattys day. I have been a bit out of touch with things because I was so focused on preparing for this job. lol.
TTYL,
Kevin
Ended up falling asleep tonight. Was exhausted from studying every waking hour.
W sent me a text of a leprechan mooning me. The subject said kiss my lucky charm. Then below it said "Let the St. Patricks Day moon wars begin... I got you first, better get started and NO sendbacks..."
I didn't respond. Wasn't sure how to.
Kevin
Ended up falling asleep tonight. Was exhausted from studying every waking hour.
W sent me a text of a leprechan mooning me. The subject said kiss my lucky charm. Then below it said "Let the St. Patricks Day moon wars begin... I got you first, better get started and NO sendbacks..."
I didn't respond. Wasn't sure how to.
Kevin
Yeah...that is kind of weird...
Glad you are so excited about your job though!
I went to the YMCA to celebrate St. Patty's...woo hoo!
Awesome. I have never been to the YMCA for St. Patty's day.
Kevin
You sound good Kevin. Keep it up!
Great to hear about the job. You don't know how nice it is to read POSITIVE post from you after a year of reading negatives.
You are trully blessed.
Keep up the positive interactions w WAW.
Keep on doing the WORK and hopefully it will rub off on her.
At some point she is going to have to take responsibility for all the "damage" she has done.
In time.
PMA
Thanks PMA,
POSITIVENESS is keeping up. Tonight my W came by to pick up our girls and wanted to take me to dinner to celebrate my new job if I didn't have plans already. I said I am thinking of going dancing later, but I don't have dinner plans at the moment. So we went to dinner with our girls. I took her to a great sushi buffet and we had a good meal together as a family. It was nice. We got along well.
After she dropped me back off and I got in my car and took off for the evening. I went to a dance studio where a friend of mine was dj'ing tonight. Now I am back at home.
It was a positive evening all in all.
Kevin
Look into her eyes. Take her hand. Lead her onto the floor. Let the rythm connect you. Take a step closer to her. Dance. spin. Her eyes ignite you. Lose yourself in the moment. Pull her in and hold her. Then spin and release her. Nothing else in the world matters. The night moves to every beat with you. She smiles. You melt. The song ends.
Walk off the floor with a smile on your face.
You did it.
Kevin
I'm looking at getting a maltipoo full grown dog for my girls today. They really want a small lap dog and it would be nice to have the company when it is just me here at the apartment.
We shall see what I end up doing.
Kevin
Kevin, you are sounding really good. I am happy for you.
Thanks kara.
I did end up adopting a maltipoo today. She is 3 years old and a very sweet dog. They are going to spay her on Wednesday so I won't be able to bring her home til Thursday. She also has heartworms, so they are going to begin treatments on that.
My W brought the girls to meet our new dog at the adoption center. I wanted to see how the dog would interact with my girls and she did very well. My girls are excited about her and pleased. So tonight I went out and bought a bunch of doggie stuff in preparation for her homecoming.
My W let me know twice that the dog is perfect for my current lifestyle and also where ever I move to next. Nice. Thanks W.
Tomorrow it is back to work again. I get my girls Tuesday night. My weekend was ok. Nothing spectacular. Just hung out with friends.
I just got done excercising. I am trying to be more consistant with that.
Kevin
W texts me telling me she could tell I was excited about the dog. I said ya, she will be a fun addition. She texted back that she will be nice for me to have around when the girls aren't with me.
Goodness gracious, give it a rest. I get the point W. I'm not even going to bother responding to that.
Kevin
W texts me telling me she could tell I was excited about the dog. I said ya, she will be a fun addition. She texted back that she will be nice for me to have around when the girls aren't with me.
Goodness gracious, give it a rest. I get the point W. I'm not even going to bother responding to that.
Kevin
OR....... (playing Devil's Advocate)
You could notice that she actually spent time with you at the animal shelter, and she reached out and contacted you about the dog and validated your decision to get a dog...
Not to be mean but she basically said to you exactly what you said to us, that the dog is a good fit for your lifestyle and will be fun to have around when the girls aren't there.
I know she didn't say, "Wow such a cute doggie, when we get back together I will love playing with her!"
but she also didn't say
"Good, now you have a dog to occupy your time so you don't bother me, since I have moved on in life and want nothing to do with you and you will be single forever", which is how it appears you took it...
I am thinking a few months back you prob would have just been glad that the two of you were able to have a pleasant conversation or text exchange...
Keep going on the exercise, it is a great stress reliever!
My W let me know twice that the dog is perfect for my current lifestyle and also where ever I move to next. Nice. Thanks W.
Seems to me that she is trying to get a reaction out of you. She is noticing the changes and wants to see if they are real. Prepare yourself for more tests.
Nice job! It appears the seed of doubt might has been planted.
Sit back and see if it grows. Previously, she wanted have given you a second thought.
Keep up the mystery. You should make more female friends. Wonder if w might start getting jealous. hmmmm????
PMA
My W let me know twice that the dog is perfect for my current lifestyle and also where ever I move to next. Nice. Thanks W.
Seems to me that she is trying to get a reaction out of you. She is noticing the changes and wants to see if they are real. Prepare yourself for more tests.
Nice job! It appears the seed of doubt might has been planted.
Sit back and see if it grows. Previously, she wanted have given you a second thought.
Keep up the mystery. You should make more female friends. Wonder if w might start getting jealous. hmmmm????
PMA
On this line of thinking, it would have been funny when W made her comments if you had replied, "Yeah, she's perfect for my single lifestyle. Plus, dogs are huge chick magnets"
"Yeah, she's perfect for my single lifestyle. Plus, dogs are huge chick magnets"
Love it! Perfect response.
Thanks for the suggestions. I just let it be.
Tomorrow will be a fun day at work. My partner and I are going out in the field with appraisers to learn how they do what they do. So I get to take a field trip. To cool. I got handed my first project. I love this job.
I have my kids tonight, so I took them to dinner. Then I exercised after. Thursday I bring home our new dog. D8 is already suggesting names for the dog.
Kevin
That's great Kevin! So you're doing reporting and IT stuff in Real Estate? Managing the SQL database?
W didn't want to take her turtle to her grandparents, so she gave him to me. His name is Sheldon and I'm really enjoying him. Gives W and I something to talk about also. I think pets are really good in our sitches.
Ya, I am reporting and analyzing in the real estate market and using sql, but not managing a database. We use sql in our reports we download from BO.
I took our dog back. That dog had issues I was not aware of when I got her. The shelter was cool with it.
Coparenting
Kevin
Ya, I am reporting and analyzing in the real estate market and using sql, but not managing a database. We use sql in our reports we download from BO.
I took our dog back. That dog had issues I was not aware of when I got her. The shelter was cool with it.
Coparenting
Kevin
Uh oh! What happened Kevin?
Sorry about the dog. Sometimes that happens especially when you get an older dog. You never know what kind of issues they had with their previous owners.
Uh oh! What happened Kevin?
I just hate that we are only coparenting. It seems impossible to take it to the next level right now. We are really friendly towards each other and we can chat on the phone. But I can't seem to get us yet to do something together without the girls there. The average seems to be 2 to 3 years and I haven't even reached the 2 year mark yet.
I just need more patience with the situation. It is going to take more time.
Kevin
In the mean time, I swam laps for over an hour today and I felt totally great after. I was very relaxed after. I took my girls to an indoor natatorium and we were there for 2 hours.
It got me to thinking about maybe getting a membership and swimming about 4 or 5 times a week. The drive is a bit far, 30 minutes without traffic. But the health benefit and not having to worry about weather, etc are good positives.
So I am thinking it over. Plus my girls can wear themselves out and sleep good at night and get into a bit better shape themselves.
I decided after this recent experience to hold off on a dog until I am out of the apartment in July.
I had dinner with my girls and W again tonight. Friendly conversation the whole way through. I told her some things I was looking to do with the girls, etc. It all went well.
Kevin
Monday Monday, so good to me.
Just another manic Monday. Wish it were Tuesday. Actually, I wish it were Friday.
Dum de do dum de dah
El Kevbo
So what are your plans for Easter?
Not quite sure yet. W has the kids.
Kevin
El Kevbo....
I like the nickname!
Does your church do anything special for its Easter service? I am going to my sister's this year for Easter, so I will be at her church instead of mine.
Make sure you do something for yourself that day if you are going to be kid-free. If the weather is nice, maybe something outdoors?
And hey a new tradition, sushi on Easter...
Coparenting
Kevin
50 situps!
Easter is a fun time to be outside. Hopefully the weather is nice there.
Did you ask your W if you could do something together for Easter?
Especially since both of you are people of faith, it seems to me like Easter is more a time to put aside differences and celebrate the day.
Sunday is my day with the kids, but I think I'm going to invite my W over for brunch and an egg hunt with us.
Since Easter is "mine" this year per the decree, I invited exH to come in when he brings the kids back to me Sat. morning. They will discover their Easter baskets (Bunny has to come early this year as we are traveling to my sister's for Easter), then he can stay for a quick candy hunt in the back yard....
Not sure in your case since she has them, how you could do that without sounding like you are inviting yourself?
I think if you concentrated on the holiday itself and not on the actual custody aspects. You're there to praise together with your girls. Besides it's tough to do an Easter egg hunt outside of Easter.
Does your church do anything special for its Easter service? I am going to my sister's this year for Easter, so I will be at her church instead of mine.
Make sure you do something for yourself that day if you are going to be kid-free. If the weather is nice, maybe something outdoors?
My church is doing Easter Mass Saturday night which takes care of obliation Sunday morning. W and D12 are coming to easter mass with me. D8 will be spending the night at her grandma's house.
Sunday I may or may not be invited to W's mom's house for a family get together after they get out of services. I haven't heard yet. W said she wanted to invite me and would ask her mom. Who knows what will pan out.
If not, maybe I will drive an hour north to the casino and play some roulette. I have a decent system that does pretty well.
Kevin
I will swim 50 laps instead. Thanks.
Kevin
"W said she wanted to invite me and would ask her mom."
This sucks. They're your kids and if your W thinks its okay for you all to do something together then she should bypass her mom altogether. Especially since they don't get along that well.
"W said she wanted to invite me and would ask her mom."
This sucks. They're your kids and if your W thinks its okay for you all to do something together then she should bypass her mom altogether. Especially since they don't get along that well.
Ya, I know. I'm used to it though. No point in arguing with W about it. I have been down that road before and the results didn't pan out when I have in the past. W's mom always decides who can be part of what and who can't and everyone else cowers to her. Nothing changed there.
I will just do something else if it doesn't pan out and if it does, I will join them. I don't know if they are doing an easter egg hunt or not.
I was with them all last night to celebrate W's stepdads birthday for dinner and cake. He apparently wanted me there for the family party with the kids. I am usually invited if they want to make sure the kids are there. They all went out and did the adult version this past saturday night and that I was not invited to and never am when it is just the adults. Honestly, when I am with W's family, it feels so completely fake anyways. It is like everyone pretends to be happy I am there, but then I am never invited or talked to about anything else when it is adult related. And actually, I am having to fake that I am happy to be there because I really don't want to be there since I know how they feel about me for the most part.
It is ok. I know where I stand. It doesn't bother me. It almost more bothers me that I am actually invited to anything with them.
Kevin
It is kind of funny really. They pretend to be glad I am there and I pretend to be glad I am there. In reality, they don't want me there and in reality, I don't want to be there. It is all a very fake situation. lol.
On a bright note, work is going good. I am having to do some work from home tonight, but that is not usually the case. I still very much love my job. I am picking up swimming for exercise and it feels great.
I might make a trip out to Tyler TX Saturday with a friend who won a prize. Tyler is about an hour and a half away. But I will be back in time for mass that night. And I am planning on having barbq with my good friend Jon2911 Saturday.
Just not sure about Friday night or Sunday yet. That is still up in the air.
Kevin
I am planning on going swimming straight after work on Friday. So I at least will kick off the weekend that way. Then I will swim Saturday morning and Sunday at some point. I swim laps about an hour and ten minutes and I am worn out after that, but feel awesome and totally relaxed after. The chances are I will end up at a dance studio Friday night. Always a fun place to be.
To bad baseball doesn't start til Monday. Would be fun to pick up a game Sunday. Oh well.
Kevin
The Astros home opener is Monday at 6pm. Woohoo!!
Kevin
K4,
Very Glad your job is going well!
So, Make plans for Easter for yourself and stop waiting for your w or her family to plan your holidays. She has the kids, you don't. Your sitch is, evidently, NOT a sitch that will include you on her days. If they change their mind at the last minute and invite you for the kids' sake and you go, it's weird - b/c you actually don't like being around them, and they don't like being around you, yet it's what you are praying will happen.
If you are still waiting for this pattern of theirs to change, then you're in the same place you were in 2 Easter's ago. Tell me you're not, please.
Easter is about change, birth and re-birth, growth, resurrection, etc. I know you want it to be your M that gets resurrected, but what if YOU are instead, what if you are "re-born"-emotionally and mentally and as a partner?
What if you stopped thinking you need your wife for happiness, and instead, you keep up the GAL activities, and do some serious personal growth work that is internal, and just learn, finally, how to be a happy man who lives well? I'm not a shrink, but I think it starts with you believing at some level, that you deserve to be happy. Do you know what I'm talking about?
j-
25yearsmlc is back and on the job!
Yes, plan your own Easter. Your comment about it being mutually awful was funny, but if its really that way then why go?
How is the swimming going? I should start doing laps again. Gives you the best workout.
Tonight W and I talked for a couple of hours after she came over to pick up our girls for the week. Before we knew it, we ended up at dinner together again continuing to chat about things. Seems to becoming more common these days.
If they change their mind at the last minute and invite you for the kids' sake and you go, it's weird - b/c you actually don't like being around them, and they don't like being around you, yet it's what you are praying will happen.
I actually let W know tonight that I wasn't interested in being invited to anymore "family" events if it was all fake and just to make sure the kids were there.
I also told W tonight that I don't need to be included in any holiday events because someone is worried about me spending it alone. I said I am fine and will make plans for myself and not to concern themselves with me anymore. W said that the girls worried about me being alone for holidays. I reiterated I am fine and I make my own plans.
If you are still waiting for this pattern of theirs to change, then you're in the same place you were in 2 Easter's ago. Tell me you're not, please.
I'm not or I wouldn't have stated what I did tonight to my W.
Easter is about change, birth and re-birth, growth, resurrection, etc. I know you want it to be your M that gets resurrected, but what if YOU are instead, what if you are "re-born"-emotionally and mentally and as a partner?
I have been reborn as a person. Every day I am growing more and more into who I should have been all along. I look back at how I was a year ago and how I am today, and they are 2 different worlds.
What if you stopped thinking you need your wife for happiness, and instead, you keep up the GAL activities, and do some serious personal growth work that is internal, and just learn, finally, how to be a happy man who lives well? I'm not a shrink, but I think it starts with you believing at some level, that you deserve to be happy. Do you know what I'm talking about?
It would be nice to be desired. But either way, I am making plans for my own life each day and including more the further along I get.
I almost kind of feel like you are still trying to categorize me into where I used to be, and I am not where I used to be.
My life is much more fulfilling now than it was in the past. I can't complain. God has been good to me.
Kevin
SO2,
Swimming is awesome. It really is the best workout you can do for your body. I feel absolutely amazing after I finish with laps. I also feel tired yet relaxed. Oddly, I feel like I don't give a crap about much after I am done with laps. It is just a great feeling over all.
Kevin
VERY GOOD on telling your W you no longer care to be invited to holiday events for the sake of the family or the girls. EXCELLENT!
I like swimming too. I agree it leaves you feeling exhausted yet energized all at the same time. It's great for me as it is easy on the joints yet still a really complete workout.
Sounds like you have firmly landed in the friend zone with your W. Are you comfortable with that?
Happy Easter!
Sounds like you have firmly landed in the friend zone with your W. Are you comfortable with that?
If you are going to have a starting point at building a bridge back, I suppose that is the best place to start. I am not thrilled with being another buddy of hers. But that may be where it has to be for the time being. It is better than having hostility still between us.
Kevin
K4,
here's a question. About this time of year, 2 years ago, you guys reconciled, correct? It had been a few months since her first bomb, and you gave it another go, but it didn't work out after a short while. What did that reconciliation look like? Be specific and detailed, if only to yourself (assuming you don't want to discuss it). Or discuss it. Either way. What matters is--
What would be diff about a reconciliation today? Assuming you can articulate specifics about how things would be different if you were to do it all over again, ((and if you can't be specifics about a reconciliation "now", you're probably nowhere near being ready for a lasting recon, honestly)), So what can you demonstrate to your w behaviorally, (and of course without saying it either) that would show evidence of this new sitch?
IOW, why should she believe things would be better this time?
Once you can spell this out with behavioral actions, then even if she doesn't come back, at least you'll know you are being the best man you can be, and not just talking and wishing it were so. Make sense? Good luck,
He is risen.
J-
It is Easter. So I don't want to discuss it tonight. But I am healthier in a lot of ways today than I was 2 years ago. I will explain more and answer your questions tomorrow or later on this week.
I did make it to midnight Easter mass last night. Today I spent the afternoon with W, our daughters, and her mom and step dad at her step dads house. we had a very good afternoon. After it was over, W was tired and ready to disappear and take a nap. So I left and came home.
Kevin
Sounds like a good Easter.
Glad you had a good Easter. Another hurdle gone. Holidays are so hard. Makes everyone on edge in these situations.
Good job Kevin! Let's hit up the Hard Eight Barbecue again, sooner rather than later. I still have some left over...
Sounds good Jon. That has got to be the best bbq in all the land. I always eat more than I should there. Truly amazing.
How is that Ipad treating you?
Kevin
Kevin, you don't know me because I almost never post, but let me tell you that you've been a wonderful inspiration for me. I think you're doing an amazing job!
In the end, we're doing this for ourselves, but we're also doing this for our spouses and our relationships!!! That's why we don't just say "forget it", right?
To me, it's not a question of whether I "could" be happy without my H; it's a question of whether he's worth the time and energy - and yes he is!!!
It seems like it's kind of the same with you and your W. It reminds me of the Huey Lewis and the News song, Doin' It All For My Baby.
I think you have GAL'd, etc. etc. to the MAX and you should give yourself some credit! You're a totally awesome Divorce Buster.
With much hope and great accolades,
Mrs. A
Thanks Mrs. A,
I think you are over complimenting me, but I appreciate the gesture none the less.
25,
2 years since the first reconciliation. What would be different? I don't need her anymore. I don't even want her the way she currently is. My life is actually happier without her in her current state than it would be with her in her current state.
I have a life now. I didn't before. I rely on myself now. I didn't before. I have friends now. I really didn't before. I don't need her to be happy. I did before. I didn't have my drinking completely under control before. I do now. I have other interests that I didn't before. I love her. But I don't like the way she currently is. So at times I find myself saying this is better unless she makes some changes. I wouldn't have said that 2 years ago.
April 21st is the 2 year anniversary of my mother's death. That is the week we reconciled in Florida. But I don't know if it was a real reconciliation or not. I think it was an attempted one, but I had not had enough time to change the way I needed to. I'm ready to be who I need to be for her now if she wants to reconcile, but I don't want to reconcile unless she changes herself which she has not done yet.
My life is good. A changed wife would be a bonus, but not a necessity. I am going to be fine no matter what happens. I couldn't have said that 2 years ago. I am no longer dependent on her.
I don't know if that answers your questions or not. But things are different with me today than they were 2 years ago. I am now at the point where I struggle with whether or not I want her back. She would have to prove to me she is different for me to take her back now.
It has become my choice now not hers should she decide she wants to come back.
Kevin
Right on Kevin, sounding good!
Swimming laps for an hour every day now after work. And other than that dang buffet I had tonight, I am doing great. I plan on looking awesome and feeling great this summer. I have just under 2 months to look my best before June.
Kevin
I plan on looking awesome and feeling great this summer. I have just under 2 months to look my best before June.
Love that goal....you and me both pal! Still need to try sushi one of these days....
Kevin,
That is so very awesome! You really do sound like a changed man!
Wonderful!
Thanks. I took last night off but took D8 swimming with me today. I swam laps for an hour and a half and I am worn out. D8 swam some laps with me then went into the other pool with the other kids and made some friends. D12 wasn't feeling to hot so didn't go with us.
It is a beautiful evening outside tonight. It is the kind of night you have dinner out on a patio at a resturant. Not doing that tonight though.
Tomorrow the girls and I are going to mass, then swimming again, then to a movie. Should be a full day.
W is looking at houses to rent tomorrow in the plano area. This could get tricky once she moves at the end of May as far as the kids and school and work goes timing wise. We won't be so close to each other. Not looking forward to it. I am moving up closer in July though, but will still be further away from work for both of us. But W says she is going to look for another job once she moves anyways and I am guessing closer to Plano.
Nothing like being worn out on a saturday night and I still have to go grocery shopping here in a bit. I won't have time tomorrow. My girls don't want to get back out tonight so we are just renting a movie to watch here at the apartment tonight once I return from grocery shopping.
Kevin
Went to mass today. Then took my girls swimming. I swam laps for an hour and a half. Feels great. I cooked some lentils for dinner and put in some garlic and spagetti sauce. It was ok. Need to find a better recipe for lentils.
Kevin
Sounds like you are doing really well Kevin!! You sound really happy.
Thanks SO2,
To say that life is just dandy would be over doing it. But I am living life the best I can. I still have moments where I want things to be fixed. But I try to make the best out of whatever I have to work with and the rest has to be left up to God. He is taking care of me and I am applying what I am given the best way possible for the most part.
My life is a good life. It could always be worse and has been before. But it is getting better and I am not sitting around just doing nothing anymore.
Gotta make the most and best of what you are given in life.
Kevin
Hi Kevin,
Seems like you are getting better, and I'm happy for you. Could use some advice. I'm on MLC now under Goodfight. If you get a chance could really use some advice.
Thanks Buddy!
Goodfight,
I wish you the best. This isn't an easy road. I don't know that I have the best advice to give for your situation.
I know with mine, other than friendly coparenting, nothing has changed.
I have no idea how to take it to the next level other than praying for His will be done, being patient and giving it time. I am civil and friendly with my wife and that is about the best I can offer right now as far as her being willing to accept at this time.
In the mean time I have myself and my 2 daughters to take care of and build as much of a life as I can with them.
Kevin
Lentil soup : lentils, water, one piece of garlic, daphne, minced onion, olive oil, one teaspoon of ketchup, one teaspoon of vinegar, salt, oreganon. Boil them till they are cooked. It's a soup. It's how we eat lentils in Greece.
K
Went to mass today. Then took my girls swimming. I swam laps for an hour and a half. Feels great. I cooked some lentils for dinner and put in some garlic and spagetti sauce. It was ok. Need to find a better recipe for lentils.
Kevin
Kalni's recipe is great and easy, too. Another you could try is to cook the lentil to just done. Drain and toss some olive oil, salt, pepper on them. Cool them in the fridge for about an hour. Then toss some balsamic in them to taste. Eat chilled or room temp. Good salad.
Greek
hey coach;
not to hijack this thread but sounds like you are making fukas-
phoenitically spelled.
youngest son loves to eat them and say them.-thinks hes getting away with something.
kev- read your thread and applaud your determination. but at what point does another lady enter the picture.
9
kev- read your thread and applaud your determination. but at what point does another lady enter the picture.
Not an issue for me.
Kevin
Thanks for the lentil recipes. I'm making an adjustment in our overall diet and trying to incorporate more natural low fat foods. But flavor is definitely something that we need more of. lol.
I did my swimming again today and went to mass with my kids and made us a healthy dinner. Then we sat down to watch a movie together. Yesterday I took them to an amuzement park here in the area and they enjoyed that.
I hate to see the weekend fly by so quickly as I really enjoy my time with my girls. But, gotta pay the bills to keep enjoying my time with my girls.
Kevin
Kind of like Rocky in Rocky III when he was running on the beach against Apollo and he lost his confidence and quit and just stood there on the beach looking out at the ocean.
Sometimes it feels that way. Sometimes when I am swimming my laps, about half way through I feel like quitting when I think about my wife being gone and I don't know what the future holds.
But I don't. I keep pushing through until I finish my laps and I keep pushing through with my life and hope for a marriage restoration. The #1 thing you have to gain back is your confidence in yourself regardless of your circumstances just like Rocky did. Granted he had his wife there for support. But there was only so much she could do. He had to find it within himself to get back to the old Rocky and he did. Not only did he, but he eventually got stronger and beat Apollo on the beach run and came back to win the title again.
Let us not forget that we all have that in each of us. We are in a race that we can win. We just have to find that confidence in ourselves and push forward no matter how daunting the task might seem, no matter how much fear of the unknown we might have, and eventually, we will succeed.
Remember, God is with you. With Him for you, who can succeed against you? Nobody but you can succeed against you.
Kevin
"Time is a very misleading thing. All there is ever, is the now. We can gain experience from the past, but we can't relive it; and we can hope for the future, but we don't know if there is one." -George Harrison
Kind of like this quote. Your previous posts made me think of it.
Thanks. Just can't give up and lose confidence and faith in yourself and God.
In my opinion, God helps those who help themselves. We have to do our part of the work if we want His help.
We can't sit around doing nothing and expect Him to do it all. Part of faith is getting up off your butt and doing everything you can while He does the rest.
Kevin
Going through reading some of these threads. Yup, still depressing. It is a sad site in many cases. At least people have a good support group here that can offer tools to help people better themselves after a horrific situation.
But it just reinfornces why I backed off and I think I am in a better place for it. Coming here every day used to bring me down. I am not down every day anymore. It has been good for me to walk away and limit myself from coming here.
Life is good. There is to much going on in life to sit around at home doing nothing. Gotta get out there and experience it a little. Get some enjoyment out of it.
Kevin
I am glad you are happy with where you are at.
I agree this site can get depressing but I think it is very important to "pay it forward" so to speak and help others. That is why I stay and offer what I can.
But you are right... there is so much to enjoy in life!
Thanks CG,
I also do a form of "pay it forward". It is just phone based and in person based here in Dallas and not so much online based now. I have a group of friends that have formed from this site that I speak to regularly and try to offer support and advice where asked. We also get together about once a month for a group dinner and then meet individually now and then. Some texting, some emailing and some talking on the phone.
So I am definitely involved in continuing to try and offer support and advice to friends here in the area going through this. And they also offer the same for me.
I am going to a baseball game with one of them tonight which I am looking forward to. It should be a fun time.
Kevin
Kevin,
You and I are both so much alike. It will be 18 months for me in the next 2 weeks and you are doing great. We both got stuck, well I'm still stuck.
I've kept up with your sitch and you are doing so much better. Can you help me out? I need to start GAL, and moving forward. I'm still standing.
But I have a question for you. I have invited H to D13's birthday party in Oct. he said it wouldn't be a good idea. She might get the wrong impression. I also invited him to something else, can't remember but anyway said the same thing.
How did you and your W start coparenting with the kids. My H always goes through our D13 and never wants to do things together. I don't know if he is telling the truth about her getting the wrong idea or if he is afraid someone will see us and tell his family they saw us together.
His family is not like your W's family even though they are the ones that pushed me to marry H. I wasn't sure if I wanted to get married or not, and they just kept it up. Now I guess from the stories he told and lies they don't want anything to do with me. I guess he needed to lie, in order not to be the bad guy for leaving us.
If anyone could please give me some tips on how to get him involved with our children together it would be greatly appreciated.
I'm on MLC now because I don't know if it is the depression he suffers from or if he is going through a MLC without an OW.
Goodfight,
I was just friendly towards my W and didn't put any pressure on her. I gave her space and eventually now and then I would tell her she is welcomed to join us if I was going to take my girls to a movie or something. When she would show up on Friday nights to pick up the girls we would talk about the girls and then it would lead into other things and then before we knew it, we were hungry and we would all end up going out to dinner.
It just happened.
Now that being said, I blew it about a week and a half ago when I sent W a text saying "Thinking about you, hope you are having a great day". I decided to test the waters as things seemed to be getting better. That evening at D12's performance, after it was over and W and D12 were walking away I said " I love yall" as I turned and walked to my car.
Big mistake? Maybe. But I felt like testing the waters to see if we had made any progress. Nope, we haven't. She has avoided me since. Ok, so we are no further along then we were 6 months ago.
That is ok though. At least I know where we stand. I'm not fooling myself thinking we are getting closer than what we actually are.
So I don't really hear from W until midnight last night when I sign on to IM. I had deleted her, but apparently not blocked her. So while I couldn't see her, she could still see me. She immediately IM's me.
W: You there?
K: ?
W: How is D8 doing?
K: Fine
W: She was up in the middle of the night for an hour and a half last night not feeling well.
K: Ok.
W: Ok, goodnight.
That was the end of the conversation. I didn't reply back to the good night.
Today I pick up my girls and I am driving down the road waiting to turn. Low and behold, here comes W getting ready to turn in. I look down the road and ignore her and don't look at her. I'm sure she noticed but I didn't look to see. I turned onto the road and drove on to take my girls out to dinner.
So it is back to the place where we were 6 months ago possibly because I decided to test the waters a bit.
I went swimming laps again tonight. Tomorrow my W gets my girls back and I'm sure at some point tomorrow or over the weekend, she will want to come over and get there stuff for the week again. I haven't decided yet how I will handle that or whether or not I will even decide to be here when she does.
So again, I don't have much advice to offer you. I am winging it myself.
Kevin
It meaning "IT"? or it meaning dinner?
with or without alcohol?
It meaning dinner and without alcohol.
Kevin
I am glad to hear you have a support group in person. It sounds fun to go to dinner with the DB gang! I think no matter what stage you (general you, not you per say) are in, it's so helpful to have a support system.
How are your girls doing?
My girls are doing good. They are with their mom this weekend. I will get them Tuesday night and then back for the week I believe this coming Thursday since W has to go to Austin for business over night.
Kevin
Checking in with you...I haven't been around much. Hope you are well.
Hi Kevin -
From your latest post on James217 thread, I sense that you are living your own life very well now.
Wishing you happiness and good things to come.
Kerry
Thanks Kerry,
Trucking along.
Kevin
Hey Kev. How are ya'?
My son and I went to big D for a day and a half recently. We went to that big mall in Frisco, Stone Briar I think (shopping), we went bowling, we ate at Pappasitos, we went to see Toy Story 3, we went to the mustangs at Las Calinas, we went to The Parks mall in Arlington (shopping), and we played putt putt. Also took his picture standing on the 'x' in Dealy Plaza. We squeezed a lot into such a short time. We also checked out the new Hard Rock Cafe while there. We had fun.
I'm doing great Antlers. Glad to hear you had a good time in Big D. Next time let me know you are coming and we will get together for a meal or something.
Things have dramatically improved in my situatuion and at the same time there are many questions. But compared to where we were a year ago, I rate things now much more positive.
Kevin
Hi Kevin,
I haven't been on in a long time. Thought I would check in to see how things were going for you and it sounds really good.
How did things change for you dramatically? I'm so happy for you.
My H and I don't even co-parent. He doesn't ever call or anything since the middle of May and I really don't know why. Our D is 13 so he just beeps the horn and she goes out.
He did ask her last weekend if she liked my boyfriend and she said Mom doesn't have a boyfriend. He asked her that back in April also.
I have detached and have not contacted him unless necessary. Which was back on June 3rd and our D was sick and I needed him to watch her so I could go to work.
The rest is on my thread. I keep up the faith and hope and read Charlyne Cares every day. I can't thank you enough for that site. It has improved my well being and my relationship with God. Only he knows the right timing not us.
If you get a chance hop over to my thread and you can see where I stand.
You are such a great person and I will never forget all you have done for me and telling me about the rejoice ministry site!
I'm really happy for you Kevin and keep up the good work.
But would love to hear the details of how things have dramatically improved.
Yes, details man! Let's catch up soon.
Not much to say. I read things wrong for a few months. I'm shifting my course of action now. When one thing doesn't work, try something else.
Kevin