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Posted By: givingitmyall Keep Moving Forward - 03/05/10 02:35 AM
Needed to start a new thread, so here it is.

Been up and down a good bit lately. Trying to get off that cycle, but it has been a challenge lately.

So, at this point, I just have to gut it out and make a conscious decision to keep picking myself up and moving forward. Hence, the title of my new thread.
Posted By: mulesqb Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/05/10 02:58 AM
Perfectly normal bro. You have watched the deterioration of your family as you knew. My IC told me it was grieving the M. Recognize what triggers your downtimes and learn from them. Don't run from them. Learn from them.

Gima, you're a good man, you will get through this. Don't beat yourself up over anything. You tried and continue to try and save your M and family. There is nothing on this planet more admirable. Give yourself some credit. Give yourself a break. Give yourself some quality time. Let your W go. She needs to do this. You'll be fine either way. Time will help you feel better. I know it sucks. But when you fight through all of it, you will be a strong, confident guy. Her problem if she doesn't see your good qualities. She'll regret it someday. Maybe it will be too late, maybe it won't. Get busy living bro.

Strength and Honor.
You can handle this.

Mules
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/05/10 03:01 AM
Thanks man. Weird that I feel my mind is battling my emotions. My mind sees what I must do very clearly. But, those damn emotions. Just have to get the mind stronger than the emotions. And I will, with time.
Posted By: chatterbug Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/05/10 03:33 AM
GIMI keep climbing my friend smile
Posted By: Greek Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/05/10 03:36 AM
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Needed to start a new thread, so here it is.

Been up and down a good bit lately. Trying to get off that cycle, but it has been a challenge lately.

So, at this point, I just have to gut it out and make a conscious decision to keep picking myself up and moving forward. Hence, the title of my new thread.


Sounds like marathon time. Pound a little past out on the pavement??? Nothing like some good, long runs to put it all behind you, friend.

Cheers ~
Greek
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/05/10 03:44 AM
Thanks Greek. Would have done just that tonight, but I decided to come home early and take S to baseball practice (he told me yesterday that W takes him late to all his practices). But, I will get a run in tomorrow.

I think I should pick out a half marathon to do around Thanksgiving or December. Always good to have a goal.
Posted By: Looking_For_Help Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/05/10 03:56 AM
Hey GIMA,

It has been a while my friend. I've been focusing on the kids and my self the last two months...so I haven't been around this board very much. We see the judge in a few weeks, so my divorce may soon be final. I have accepted my fate and have been progressing forward.

Now for you: Let your emotions flow. Don't hold them back. It's the only way to heal. In time you'll be in a better place. Hang in there.

Kind Regards,
LFH
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/06/10 12:42 PM
Good morning folks (or afternoon or evening depending on where you are).

Busy day at work yesterday. Finally had a run in with one of my female co-workers. Unfortuantely, this female co-worker has had similar arguments with numerous other people in our office. Honestly, this person has some serious insecurities and issues, and she often brings them to work and takes them out on many of us. Surprisingly, I am officially higher up on the org chart so to speak than she, but this doesn't seem to concern her since I am not the first person higher in rank than she with whom she has picked an argument. Nothing I can't handle. Just added some "spice" to the day.

Got home last night and had fun snuggling up with D6 and hanging out with S10. I virtually ignore W, so she has now taken to "talking" to me through the kids. For example, I sneezed last night - W, who used to tell me "bless you," asked S10 what we did when someone sneezed. S10 replied we say bless you.

If you want to D me, why must you continue to try to "talk" to me? This is something you will lose as a result of the D. I AM NOT YOUR FRIEND. "Friends" do not do what you are doing to me and our family, W. I will never understand how the WAS believes we will all remain best friends after what they put their LBS's and families through. I understand WHY they do it. I just don't understand how they can cling to such an unreasonable belief.

As I sat in the den with the kids - W was making cookies to sell to one of her clients (basically in the same room - kitchen is part of the den/great room), I found myself growing angrier with her. It's the way she can act no differently than before the bomb - as if we are one big, happy family unit that will not be affected by her decision to rip that apart. And that makes me very, very angry. Rather than say anything, I hit the bed early.

So, this morning, I am a bit numb, indifferent and dismissive of W. All I see at this point is a completely selfish, irrational, arrogant person who is utterly unattractive to me on so many levels. But, strangely, I still hold open the possibility of working on the M if she were willing to "do the work." Maybe that's my irrationality coming out. Or hope. Or dream. I don't know.

If she...Screw it. She hasn't and apparently will not. And only SHE can make that decision. If she only knew how much we could do for each other in a new, healthy M and how much we could help the kids by doing that. As much as I want to SHOW her that, I can't. She has to do that. But she won't.
Posted By: jasper67 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/06/10 01:57 PM
You are doing well- keep being the best father you can be. You cannot control how you are feeling, just let them wash over you but keep positive.

I know how it feels to start to be angry and lose respect for WAW. I too know the difficulty or implausability of remaining "friends" who choose the back door and easy way out.

You do need to give yourself credit- you are a survivor and are striving for something better- never lose that attitude!
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/06/10 04:21 PM
gima,
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Got home last night and had fun snuggling up with D6 and hanging out with S10.
You're a real good dad (have I said that before?) smile
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
I virtually ignore W, so she has now taken to "talking" to me through the kids. For example, I sneezed last night - W, who used to tell me "bless you," asked S10 what we did when someone sneezed. S10 replied we say bless you.
At least it's disguised as reminding your son. And at least it hasn't hit that unacceptably childish level of "Please tell your father that..."

gima, you and I both know that the WAW has to cling to their "friends" issue to minimize and justify the enormity of their selfish behavior.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
It's the way she can act no differently than before the bomb - as if we are one big, happy family unit that will not be affected by her decision to rip that apart.
See above. But I understand. Believe me I understand. My big blended family has already been - is - completely torn apart - gone! -and still she is in la-la land.
Originally Posted By: gima
I still hold open the possibility of working on the M if she were willing to "do the work." Maybe that's my irrationality coming out. Or hope. Or dream. I don't know.
Or all three. wink But you do know that if something like that were to to take place, it would have to be done while she concurrently does her own work with an IC.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
If she only knew how much we could do for each other in a new, healthy M and how much we could help the kids by doing that.
I'm finding that that truism takes a long time to go away. And it's so painful for me because it would have! But I, like you, was "the only one at the table in good faith," as my IC says.

Hang in there and enjoy the gifts of this day.
Posted By: Wholeagain Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/06/10 10:15 PM
I have not read all of your 3000+ posts. What do you think your w wants to achieve with D? You said she was unhappy/ depressed.

Maybe let her go, find herself? You cannot be happy in M when you are not happy on your own. This is something that goes against the grain on these boards. Have you thought of a trial separation?

Will you be happy with your life when she leaves?
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/06/10 10:26 PM
Wholeagain,

I suspect she is depressed. And I am pretty sure I'm right. Until she addresses the reasons for her unhappiness, getting rid of me won't change her unhappiness.

She asked for a D from the day of the bomb and hasn't wavered.

I don't want to be D'd. I don't want my family ripped apart. But, I can't make her stay.

I have been DB'ing since shortly after the bomb. She has done nothing to work on the M. I don't see a trial sep changing that.

I will have a happy life no matter what happens. I have a preference of what I would like to happen but no control over forcing that result. She needs to lose me to understand what she had. Not sure she will ever figure that out or, if she does, if she will do it in time. Not waiting for her. I have a life to live, with or without her.
Posted By: jasper67 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/06/10 10:45 PM
GIMA- Great attitude...sounds like acceptance and knowledge of what you deserve.

Whole Again- I agree very much w/ personal happiness, but in the context of M, I believe you can have both- unless the sitch is that the unhappy partner is interested in someone else or simply wants to be single.

That's what's been so confusing in my sitch- W can GAL and do whatever she wants, but she believes she's simply unhappy w/ me. I dunno really, very confusing for me, but like GIMA said- can't make anyone stay, and can't wait for them to perhaps realize you can have both
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/06/10 11:05 PM
Thanks maynard.

Got beer and filets. Now to get the grill ready!
Posted By: Wholeagain Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/07/10 04:53 AM
What I'm getting at is that your w needs to have it together before she can work on the M. She might never get it together while she is in the current set up. I am not offering advice. I am giving another perspective.

From what it sounds like it's not about you, it's about her. She wants a life on her own. She's not going to have it while staying in the house. Maybe let her move out and be happy? Piece it after?

I understand there are children and financial obligations involved. Both of you might not want to separate until D is final.

Would you ever consider working on M after D?

Again, not an advice, only random thoughts aloud.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/07/10 05:49 AM
Originally Posted By: Wholeagain
From what it sounds like it's not about you, it's about her.

With virtually all WAWs, even the stay-at-home ones

It's not about the Marriage.
It's not about the Relationship.
It's not about you.
It's about her.
Posted By: tryingtilDorR Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/07/10 09:47 AM
Quote:
If she...Screw it. She hasn't and apparently will not. And only SHE can make that decision. If she only knew how much we could do for each other in a new, healthy M and how much we could help the kids by doing that. As much as I want to SHOW her that, I can't. She has to do that. But she won't.


It is so clear to us and so frustrating that the WAS doesn't see this. I know many who realized this after it was too late and the LBS had moved on and found someone else. It is sad.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/07/10 12:13 PM
Originally Posted By: Wholeagain
What I'm getting at is that your w needs to have it together before she can work on the M. She might never get it together while she is in the current set up. I am not offering advice. I am giving another perspective.

From what it sounds like it's not about you, it's about her. She wants a life on her own. She's not going to have it while staying in the house. Maybe let her move out and be happy? Piece it after?

I understand there are children and financial obligations involved. Both of you might not want to separate until D is final.

Would you ever consider working on M after D?

Again, not an advice, only random thoughts aloud.


I asked her to move out months ago. Seemed like the choice to me since SHE is the one who wanted the change, not me. She looked at me like I was crazy and said no way.

I think I would remain open to the possibility of reconciliation even after a D was finalized. That said, I am not waiting around on her to change her mind and see the light so to speak. I WILL move on with my life, and part of that life is finding someone new. Not b/c I have to in order to complete me, but b/c I WANT to to help enrich an already great life.

But to answer your question Wholeagain, yes, I would remain open to reconciliation up to the point there is someone new in my life. Given W's actions thus far, I doubt she will put any time into addressing her issues.

I really had not thought about a trial seperation. Mostly b/c she has never suggested it. I am not sure how I feel about that. Me waiting around on her, while she lives in MY house with our kids? Not sure I like that.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/07/10 02:29 PM
Mornin' gima,
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
I really had not thought about a trial seperation. Mostly b/c she has never suggested it. I am not sure how I feel about that. Me waiting around on her, while she lives in MY house with our kids? Not sure I like that.
You're right, of course, about this. Also:
1) One never leaves the marital home, bed, etc.
2) Statistics on Trial Separations are:

13% Reconcile
87% Do not
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/07/10 02:41 PM
Originally Posted By: Gardener
Mornin' gima,
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
I really had not thought about a trial seperation. Mostly b/c she has never suggested it. I am not sure how I feel about that. Me waiting around on her, while she lives in MY house with our kids? Not sure I like that.
You're right, of course, about this. Also:
1) One never leaves the marital home, bed, etc.
2) Statistics on Trial Separations are:

13% Reconcile
87% Do not


Gardener, thanks.

Wholeagain, I am definitely open to all ideas, so thanks.

I just don't see a trial seperation getting my sitch where I would like to see it. So, what I have left is me and the kids. Focus on those aspects, keep working on myself, and see where this all leads.

The thing that bothers me is trying to understand someone who would let her pride keep her from her highest duty - keeping the family together for us and for the kids (and, yes, I see that as MY highest duty as well).
Posted By: cesco Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/07/10 04:00 PM
Sitch sounds so close to mine right now.
We have identified what went wrong but now of course I get the "its too late" verbage....
I am too like you Gima that she wants out but lives in our home, and in same bed as well..
Emotions are everywhere with me. Trying to DB but always seems like I take one step back because of the emotional attachment.

Gima, do your kids know whats going on? Have they been advised? if so, how was that handled in your sitch.
Posted By: flowmom Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/07/10 06:22 PM
GIMA, for all I know my H has been plotting D for years. But a lot changed after separation. I really see it as a *huge* step towards D...I wish I had had the chance to DB while living in the same home.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/07/10 06:49 PM
Cesco,

The kids don't know. Its going to be VERY hard telling them.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/07/10 06:50 PM
Flowmom,

I wish my DB'ing had made a difference. It helped me improve me, but made NO difference to my W.
Posted By: flowmom Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/07/10 09:55 PM
Originally Posted By: flowmom
GIMA, for all I know my H has been plotting D for years. But a lot changed after separation. I really see it as a *huge* step towards D...I wish I had had the chance to DB while living in the same home.
GIMA, I apologize for my post above. I see that it's about my sitch, not yours blush

I'm sorry to read that you don't feel that DBing has made a difference to your W. (((GIMA)))
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/07/10 10:03 PM
There is absolutely NO reason to apologize. None.

And DB'ing was successful, if the goal was for me to save ME. It really isn't about saving your M directly. It does allow you to become a better person (or as sandi says become a "person only a fool would leave").

You are still very early into your sitch. No one knows how any of the sitchs here are gonna turn out. So, do what YOU think is the right thing for YOU. But do it from a place of strength, not fear.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/08/10 02:21 AM
gima,
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
The thing that bothers me is trying to understand someone who would let her pride keep her from her highest duty - keeping the family together for us and for the kids (and, yes, I see that as MY highest duty as well).
you have to stop trying to understand. You know it's an exercise in futility. And, besides, you're trying to understand someone's behavior and actions through the prism of your own ironclad principles and values. Apples and oranges, my friend. And results in nothing but exasperation.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/08/10 02:23 AM
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Cesco,The kids don't know. Its going to be VERY hard telling them.
Your wife should tell them with you present so she doesn't try a "weasel;"
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/08/10 02:27 AM
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Flowmom,I wish my DB'ing had made a difference. It helped me improve me, but made NO difference to my W.
But goddam, gima, you did Give It Your All! And you were an inspiration to watch.
And if you remember, this Hare of a Gardener thought that if the slow and steadfast gima Tortoise didn't bust his D, he would and should have absolutely no regrets.

I applaud your unflagging efforts and your integrity, my friend.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/08/10 03:39 AM
Thanks Gardener. I appreciate your kind words.

I am trying to stop tormenting myself by trying to understand the impossible to understand. I just need to drop it. End result is the same whether I figure it out or not. Tough to do.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/08/10 03:57 AM
gima,

From the blog of Susan J. Elliott, author of Getting Past Your Breakup:

"But above all else: forget this person you fell in love with. They are never coming back. The person who LEFT YOU is more in line with who this person REALLY is than the person you fell in love with."

Susan J. Elliott
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/08/10 04:19 AM
Originally Posted By: Gardener
gima,

From the blog of Susan J. Elliott, author of Getting Past Your Breakup:

"But above all else: forget this person you fell in love with. They are never coming back. The person who LEFT YOU is more in line with who this person REALLY is than the person you fell in love with."

Susan J. Elliott


I saw that on your thread. The hard part is admitting to myself that THAT woman has been gone for a while. And, realizing she could be someone she really wasn't for many years.

So, the difficulty is in realizing that a large part of my M was really just a lie. That's being a bit over the top, but it's true.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/08/10 04:49 AM
gima,
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
I saw that on your thread. The hard part is admitting to myself that THAT woman has been gone for a while. And, realizing she could be someone she really wasn't for many years.

So, the difficulty is in realizing that a large part of my M was really just a lie. That's being a bit over the top, but it's true.
I dunno, gima. Like most of us here, we didn't notice them slowly leaving until it was very obvious and/or too late.

As for it being a lie, we're each responsible for our own actions only. And we're not mind readers. Were your approaches, attitudes, behaviors in your marriage lies? I think not. You are too honest and genuine.

So, although I hear (the depths of) where you're coming from, I'd have to say, "No, gima, your marriage was not a lie."

Goodnight.
Posted By: iwantittowork Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/08/10 02:57 PM
Quote:
So, the difficulty is in realizing that a large part of my M was really just a lie. That's being a bit over the top, but it's true.


Wow, I was thinking this same thing this weekend, and I even (inappropriately, I know, so put away the 2x4's) told this to stbxw when talking with her this past weekend.

I think that we also were untrue to ourselves a bit also, so we are not without blame, it just seems to suck more when you realize it from both sides.

Certainly from my "Nice Guy" traits, that is true. Now trying not to beat myself up over it so much, and work on changing for the better..
Posted By: Coach Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/08/10 03:05 PM
Originally Posted By: Gardener
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Cesco,The kids don't know. Its going to be VERY hard telling them.
Your wife should tell them with you present so she doesn't try a "weasel;"


Oh yeah, this is her responsibility. Don't you dare be a nice guy and rescue her from this.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/08/10 03:35 PM
Originally Posted By: Coach
Originally Posted By: Gardener
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Cesco,The kids don't know. Its going to be VERY hard telling them.
Your wife should tell them with you present so she doesn't try a "weasel;"


Oh yeah, this is her responsibility. Don't you dare be a nice guy and rescue her from this.


Hey man, I hope you know me well enough by now to know I am not telling them. I have already told W this is her decision, so she's going to tell the kids - with me present, of course.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/08/10 03:39 PM
How long is she planning on waiting to drop this on them? The day someone is actually moving out???? The kids need time to cope with this.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/08/10 04:12 PM
We haven't talked about that yet and I would like to hear everyone's opinion of the timing on this.
Posted By: Cadet Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/08/10 04:21 PM
Does she have a move out day?

I think she is confused and may not tell them at all. Why would a teenager want to tell her kids something that an adult should be saying. This confusion is actually a good thing GIMA.
I know you don't get that but believe me confusion is good!

Stay the course. Don't do any of her lifting. You will be fine.
Posted By: motherof3 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/08/10 04:36 PM
GIMA,

IMHO the kids already suspect something is going on. They are more intuitive than you would think, even at a young age.

As far as timing in when to tell them. The time is never going to be 'right'. But they do need to time absorb it all before a significant change is made.

In my sitch, we announced the separation to the kids when evidence of the move became apparent such as the packing up of boxes. The timing was about 2 weeks prior to H moving out.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/08/10 05:03 PM
The sooner the better GIMA. Don't let her do what my xh did. He was carrying clothes out of the house in front of our son and just told him he was leaving because he was confused. I told him to march his butt back in there and explain to him that he was leaving me for his adultery partner and make sure he knew it had nothing to do with him. He did, but with his tail tucked between his legs and basically mumbled my exact words back to our son. Sad.

She needs to be the one to put the words together, you need to be there to make sure she doesn't use some crap like, "Your dad and I just don't get along anymore." and "We just feel this is the best thing to do.". Don't let her make statements for your that you do not agree with.

IMO, you need to give the kids at LEAST 2 weeks notice before she moves out. Notice, I said SHE moves out. Don't you set one foot out of your home!
Posted By: Coach Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/08/10 05:12 PM
Lead on this issue.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/08/10 06:54 PM
Originally Posted By: Coach
Lead on this issue.


That's exaclty what I plan to do. Of course, it will be characterized as me being "condescending and talking down to her" but that will tell me I'm on the right track. At the appripriate time, I will bring this up with her that we need to have that discussion (we meaning me there and her doing the talking). We are trying to get mediation dates, which right now is looking like mid April (my March is slammed). So, there is time there, unless you guys think now is the time.

And, I agree with everyone and thanks for the input.

@OP, if my W is confused, she should win an Academy award. I agree with you that confusion is good, but she does a great job masking that (not an unintentional reference to her masked depression).
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/09/10 02:55 AM
Busy day today. And I'm feeling oddly calm about my M. Not sure why, but I just have a "I don't give a damn" feeling right now.

Went to a field trip with S and his class, which was a lot of fun. The time with the kids has never been more important to me than now.

Got a call today from a really good, and wise, friend. It always makes me feel better about my sitch after talking with him. Helps me realize I can handle it. And I can.

Weather was beautiful here today. Spring is on its way. Tough to work inside this time of year.
Posted By: flowmom Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/09/10 04:06 AM
Thank goodness for spring. We can all use the breath of new life around about now.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/09/10 01:25 PM
Originally Posted By: flowmom
Thank goodness for spring. We can all use the breath of new life around about now.


Despite what it is going to do with my allergies, I am wanting it here sooner than later.
Posted By: mulesqb Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/09/10 03:51 PM
Gima - Regarding telling the kids..please keep one thing in mind..while this is not your decision to break up the family it is also not your time to make your W look bad. It is your time to help the kids through one of the most traumatic moments of their life. It is your job to help them handle that.

At first they may not even believe you when you guys tell them. Then they will start to sense that it is real. And when it settles in they are going to be asking questions and start to become very affected. They need you to be very strong. Concentrate on them and be the strong parent that they need you to be. One that is above all the crap your W is slinging around. You're a great man and a great Dad. This is just another time that you will need to put them before yourself. It is hard. You will sit there and want to point a big number one finger at her. But that attitude will put the kids right smack in the middle of it which is the last thing you want to do.

My suggestion is that you obviously be present during the talk. But don't worry so much about who takes ownership of this decision to break up the family. Over time the kids will figure all of that out on their own. And they will grow closer to you as they understand just how well you handled it. Your purpose of being present is to try and make them understand that they are still loved unconditionally by their parents and that you will do the best you can to disrupt their life as little as possible, and that no matter where you are, they are the most important thing in your life.

When Coach advises you to lead through this, this is what I think he is referring to.

Just another stretch on the road of Strength and Honor.

Oh yeah..and you can handle it.

Mules
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/09/10 04:10 PM
Thanks mules. That's a great post. I will definitely keep it in mind.

No question, my kids are my number 1 priority.
Posted By: flowmom Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/09/10 05:40 PM
I disagree with some of the advice that you're getting about how/what to communicate to the children.

Ideally I think that you and your W would be able to talk to the children and together focus on communicating the following:

- W is making a choice to move out
- we will all have difficult feelings about this, but time will take care of everything
- we love you and nothing will change that
- GIMA loves W (and vice versa if applicable)
- this is not your fault - sometimes grownups have problems, but they are not YOUR problems
- we are still a family even if W lives somewhere else

IMO, a six year old cannot be made responsible for understanding adult marriage problems, adultery, etc. They equate the love between parents to the love between a parent and child because "we are a family". Talking about love/relationships being broken introduces the possibility of a parent "not getting along" with the child and abandoning the child. They are not sophisticated enough to understand the nuances and unfortunately will extrapolate what they learn about the marriage breakup into their relationships with their parents. That's why H and I emphasized H moving out for his own good, to take care of his own needs.

Don't make your children into a consequence for your W...protect your children from the crap that is going on, and wrap them in a warm, safe blanket of love. It is very hard for them to process inappropriate information and they will internalize things in ways that you have no control over.

It's hard enough to see how much this is hurting my children, but I'm glad that H and I have united on protecting our children from our M problems and from info that they don't understand. That may change in the future, but even making the changes as gradual as possible helps them to cope.
Posted By: Awoken Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/10/10 02:47 AM
GIMA,

I'm my sitch, as you well know, my kids are teens and already had figured out most of the bad stuff. It was an easy decision for me to be sure that we told the truth about what was going on, because my kids would've seen through anything else.

I spent a lot of time worrying about how "telling the kids" would play out. Like you, I read books constantly, and search the threads here for answers.

Two things come to mind: your kids are very young.
1) Tell them just what they need to know to handle the worse time of their lives. As they get older, the truth about your situation will all be sorted out anyway.
2) be careful about how you tell them "it's not your fault". I understand that kids will often hear just the "your fault" part. This was certainly the case in my own parents divorce, and I was 16.

Sorry I haven't been around much. Still been thinking about you and lurking. Hang in there.


Only you know your kids; and you'll lead this situation.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/10/10 02:47 AM
Crazy busy today - and that just fine with me.

Met up with a great group of friends tonight. Good conversation. Got home late. Would say I'm being mysterious, but I don't think W cares anymore. But, SHE is not the reason I did it anyway.

Hammered out a mediation date for late April. Wish I could say I am happy about it. But, I'm not. No other choice, however, but to keep moving forward.

Really feeling the need to get away, even if just for a weekend. Maybe take the kids camping in a few weeks after it warms up a bit. Problem is, I think I need it THIS weekend.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/10/10 02:57 AM
gima,
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Really feeling the need to get away, even if just for a weekend. Maybe take the kids camping in a few weeks after it warms up a bit. Problem is, I think I need it THIS weekend.
If you can't take 'em camping til it warms up a bit more and you need it now, consider taking 'em camping in a hotel room. Splash in the pool, watch cheesy movies, eat junk food in bed and horse around all day.

Or go do it yourself. wink
Posted By: flowmom Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/11/10 06:53 AM
GIMA, nailing down a date must be a difficult milestone. hugs to you.

I dream of escape too. I imagine myself hiking through the desert...
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/12/10 12:04 AM
Originally Posted By: flowmom
GIMA, nailing down a date must be a difficult milestone. hugs to you.

I dream of escape too. I imagine myself hiking through the desert...


Yeah, I get that metaphor. Has something to do with the dark night, right?
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/12/10 09:25 PM
Decided to be spontaneous so am taking S to Disney for the weekend. Just the "men."
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/12/10 10:02 PM
YEAH!!!!! Have a blast!
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/13/10 03:49 AM
That's great!
Posted By: flowmom Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/13/10 04:43 AM
Have a fantastic time GIMA!!!
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/13/10 07:45 PM
Over lunch today, S thanked me for making this impromptu trip to Disney happen. He's thanked me for doing things for him before, but this time just meant a lot more to me.

I fight allowing my mind to drift to thoughts of my W. I am doing pretty well at not allowing her that real estate in my mind, but it's tough since she and I came here together a lot. I will not let that keep me from bringing the kids. So, this is good training, I suppose.
Posted By: Energizer Bunny Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/13/10 09:14 PM
Have a great time. You deserve it!
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/14/10 04:34 AM
Good for you for showing son that while changed - as most things will be - this tradition goes on. There's comfort and security in tradition and ritual for young ones. Old ones, too.
I'm not surprised that on this first non-family trip, W is "tresspassing" onto your mental real estate.

That will abate - in all areas - with time. I find that since my mental real estate is finite, the more I fill it with other, newer positives, the less room there is for any of X's old "squatter's rights." wink

Enjoy! Have a giddy blast!
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/14/10 08:25 PM
Well, back from the weekend trip. Was fun. This morning, probably b/c of having to return home to "the problem" that is my M, I was pretty down. The intensity of the emotions and feelings of loss, anger, resentment, abandonement was surprising.

I have picked myself up, but still feel a bit shaky. Have to keep telling myself to quit wondering "Why" and How".

Just a tough morning that seems to have traces lingering this afternoon.

I am going to take S to baseball practice, then hit the gym during his practice.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/14/10 09:21 PM
Welcome back!
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
This morning, probably b/c of having to return home to "the problem" that is my M, I was pretty down. The intensity of the emotions and feelings of loss, anger, resentment, abandonement was surprising.

I have picked myself up, but still feel a bit shaky. Have to keep telling myself to quit wondering "Why" and How".

Just a tough morning that seems to have traces lingering this afternoon.
All perfectly understandable

I am going to take S to baseball practice, then hit the gym during his practice.

Me, too in about 30 minutes. Always good for what ails ya!
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/14/10 09:40 PM
Much better after my workout. Thanks Gardener.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/15/10 12:15 AM
Me, too, gima.
Just got back from a long one!
I smell like a goat laugh
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/21/10 06:23 PM
Been a week since my last post. Wow. Don't think I've ever gone that long. But, not really much to post about.

Still riding the cycles of ups and downs, but, the downs are becoming less frequest and less severe. Seen this pattern before.

This week, W's L accused me of "playing games" to delay our mediation which had already been scheduled for later in April. What a clown. Sure, I'm enjoying living in the same house with someone for whom I have NO positive feelings, so maybe I can drag this out a little more. His logic is strikingly captivating! Jacka$$!

Feeling more and more indifferent towards W. Time is healing, but there are still down parts to the cycle. Again, I think this is normal and just part of it.

Took S to Disney last weekend. We had a great time together, but we always do. Took D to my neice's (child of my brother and his W) birthday party yesterday. It's about an hour's drive so we got to spend great father-daughter time - lots of "I spy."

Funny thing that hit me yesterday morning. W volunteered a couple of weeks ago to take D to my neice's birthday party. Didn't occur to me until yesterday morning that this is my brother and SIL my W claimed told W she was no longer welcome at their house since W was leaving me. Seems W cannot remember the lies she has told me. Didn't make me sad. Actually made me laugh.

One of W's friends gave her a mattress and box springs (I assume to replace her existing ones). W went to pick it up on Saturday. Old me would have certainly helped her. Now, not so much. Not to be a jerk, but to let her see what being on her own is like. This is the life she has chosen.

Hope everyone is doing as well as can be. I started "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson, and it is pretty good. Would recommend it.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/21/10 11:36 PM
gima,
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Been a week since my last post. Wow. Don't think I've ever gone that long. But, not really much to post about.
Missed ya, buddy.

I'm the same with the ups and downs and fewer downs. Such will be life for some time to come I'm sure.

And, sorry if it's inappropriate, but this:
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Sure, I'm enjoying living in the same house with someone for whom I have NO positive feelings, so maybe I can drag this out a little more.
made me laugh!
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
I started "The Journey from Abandonment to Healing" by Susan Anderson, and it is pretty good. Would recommend it.
Me, too. Taking it real slowly. Not a rush-through book. This one's work.

You sound good.

All the best.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/21/10 11:41 PM
Thanks buddy. I will add a description of W's L's behaviour: a$$clownery. I love it.

I AM doing well friend.
Posted By: Greek Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/21/10 11:44 PM
Love that word - A$$clownery! I'm keeping it!

Look at all the growth you've allowed! Unfortunately, it is unlikely W has done the work - and whatever comes next for her will be peppered with the same puzzles. You are starting over with a fortified skill set. It's been hell going through it, but look at all you've learned.

Just saying...

Greek
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/21/10 11:51 PM
Take it and use it Greek. I think its pretty funny too.

And, yes, I DO appreciate what I've learned. Early on, Coach said "get ahead of her" and at first, I didn't quite understand that. I do now. And I'm SO far ahead of her, I can't even see her in my rear view mirror! Oh, what she could have NOW if she only looked. But, that's her choice. God, what a mistake!

I'm good no matter what. I really don't want what she has become. Who would, but the unsuspecting or ignorant (tell Coach this makes me think of a 3 Stooges line: "what is you, ignorant?").
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/22/10 12:03 AM
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
I'm good no matter what. I really don't want what she has become.

Yep.
Posted By: markhaving probs Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/22/10 08:17 AM
GIMA,

I've been catching up on your sitch after you kindly looked in on mine and gave me some things to think about.

I see you wrestle with the same emotions I do in regard to my W. Reading your sitch and responses are giving me some renewed strength and thought proccesses, as you are clearly coming through the other side and spending quality time with your children.

Like you, this rollercoaster ride is difficult to get off, and I do not want what my W has become either. Somebody said to me she is not the person you married anymore, so why would you want to be with somebody that does not want to be with you.

Take care, I will keep looking in on you.

Mark
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/27/10 12:57 AM
Hi, gima
Just doing a drive by...see how you're doing.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/27/10 01:38 AM
I have been absent haven't I?

I'm doing well. MIL is in town - a bit awkward, even though we've always gotten along well. Hard to want to hang out with someone who gave W a lot of $$ to hire a L to tear apart my family.

But, I'm doing well thanks friend.
Posted By: Coach Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/27/10 02:10 AM
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall


I'm doing well. MIL is in town - a bit awkward, even though we've always gotten along well. Hard to want to hang out with someone who gave W a lot of $$ to hire a L to tear apart my family.



Is the reason for the surgery passed from one generation to the next? Or is MIL just a carrier? smirk
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/27/10 02:16 AM
VERY clever, sir! And made me laugh.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/27/10 12:47 PM
Thought I would post a quick update. I have been pretty busy with work and the kids, so I have not had a lot of time to post and, quite frankley, haven't felt the need to. Not that I don't want to talk to everyone here. Progress, I suppose.

We are set for mediation on April 21. W's L, who I have been told is a reasonable person, had sent some bush league emails to my L accusing me of playing games to put off the mediation and other such rookie accusations. To he!! with him. Not worth my time.

Continue not to talk with W unless it involves the kids or money. Last night, W, in a near panic, woke me up (had fallen asleep watching basketball - remember, I have been busy with work) to make sure I had received the IM's she sent me on Friday to update me about D's doctor's appointment - after being jolted awake by the sound of her voice, I told her I had received them. Strange.

MIL has been here since Tuesday and, I think, will leave tomorrow. She came up to take care of W, who was supposed to have surgery this week - then it became a "procedure" she was supposed to have (have I said W is a fantastic communicator wink ). Apparently, she can't have the "procedure" and must have the surgery. Will require 2 week recovery. W said she will coordinate scheduling of the surgery with her mother and me.

My birthday is coming up in early April. W has already put the kids up to asking me what kind of cake do I want "mom to make." I do NOT plan to celebrate my birthday with a cake my STBXW made. I will take the kids to a local bakery and the kids and I will pick out a cake. I do not think I can tell W I don't want her around on my birthday since the kids still don't know. I am good at handling that type situation, so I will. Grin and bear it. Or, better yet, smile and wave.

Now, for my emotional state. I am feeling stronger and stronger with each new day. I no longer want my STBXW, nor do I feel any grief of the "loss" of our relationship. I DO still have concern/worry, but it is related to the fallout on the kids. They didn't ask for this. Of course, neither did I, but I'm an adult, and I can handle it.

So, from an emotional standpoint, I feel I am making progress. Indifference towards STBXW is growing and growing, or maybe has replaced my feelings toward her, at least the positive ones.

I am starting to look at housing (rental v. buying - probably rent), furniture I will need - like beds for the kids' room. I am, likewise, VERY attuned to the women "out there." And that part is exciting. I'm in NO hurry, but I am looking forward to getting on with my new life.

Busy day today. S has baseball pictures, then a baseball game. Have to work on the mandatory disclosures for the D case. Busy.

Take care all.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/27/10 01:35 PM
gima,
You sound good.
Good to hear.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/27/10 01:49 PM
Originally Posted By: Gardener
gima,
You sound good.
Good to hear.


Thanks man. I am doing well. Better each day. Might look at some condos/houses this weekend.

Hope you are well too. I am following along on your threads.
Posted By: markhaving probs Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/30/10 06:35 AM
[quote=If she...Screw it. She hasn't and apparently will not. And only SHE can make that decision. If she only knew how much we could do for each other in a new, healthy M and how much we could help the kids by doing that. As much as I want to SHOW her that, I can't. She has to do that. But she won't. [/quote]

Hi GIMA,

I thought I would take the opportunity to check out your sitch.

I was really struck by this paragraph. I feel/think exactly the same thing as you did then, if only..... You now seem to be really strong and I am going to use your strength to try and get me through this nightmare.

I agree with you on the 'staying friends' front. How can someone who did this expect the LBS to carry on as if nothing has happened? I believe the WAS in their own minds, invent a scenario where they think their LBS has accepted the situation and is moving on with their life. This may be true to some point, but it is the selfish act of someone who could not give a damn.

I am going to get up to speed on your situatiion and keep looking in.

You're doing great.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/30/10 09:28 PM
Mark,

Thanks for the post. I have a few old threads out there. WAY too much to read.

I do feel like a few weeks ago, I turned a corner. Doing pretty well since then. REALLY have NO attraction to W, nor am I interested in becoming attracted to this version of her.

Starting to feel the pull of a new life. New possibilities and a chance to have a "do-over." It's not ALL bad.
Posted By: flowmom Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/30/10 10:43 PM
Sounds like you're in a good place GIMA smile
Posted By: Greek Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/30/10 11:10 PM
Take your temp, GIMA. IF Mrs. Gima came to you TODAY and said she wants to work on the M...what would you say? What would you do?

Greek
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/30/10 11:17 PM
Greek,

Good call. I THINK I might still be willing to work on the M, bbut it would take one he!! Of a sell job by W to convince me she wants to do the work.

Pretty indifferent, but there is still some anger there too.
Posted By: Cadet Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/31/10 10:42 AM
Pretty sure things wont play out the way you want it diagramed.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/31/10 11:13 AM
Not sure I follow you OP. Are you referring to the mediation or my post back to Greek? If the latter, I could write for quite a while about how a WAS doesn't typically come back begging. I get that. I would need to know (believe?) That if my W said she wanted to work on the M, it was for the right reasosns.
Posted By: Cadet Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/31/10 11:27 AM
Quote:
That if my W said she wanted to work on the M, it was for the right reasosns.
Just as they come out of the depression she would need to be led back to the marriage. I don't think she is going to gallup back on her horse professing her deepest undieing love for you.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 03/31/10 11:42 AM
Originally Posted By: OldPilot
Quote:
That if my W said she wanted to work on the M, it was for the right reasosns.
Just as they come out of the depression she would need to be led back to the marriage. I don't think she is going to gallup back on her horse professing her deepest undieing love for you.


Nor do I. I really don't see this happening at all. But, I agree with you.
Posted By: Dia Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/05/10 05:27 PM
Doing a drive-by to check on you, GIMA. Keep hanging in there.

Dia
Posted By: motherof3 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/05/10 05:51 PM
GIMA - Don't you have a birthday coming up? What fun things to you have planned?
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/05/10 08:47 PM
Originally Posted By: Dia
Doing a drive-by to check on you, GIMA. Keep hanging in there.

Dia


HEY STRANGER!!! I'm glad to hear you are doing well.

Thanks for the post. Unfortunately, I suspect my sitch is, in all probability, done. Fat lady warming up.

W left with the kids today to visit her parents out of state. And, I'm a little lonely. Not missing W, just the kids. Maybe I am missing W or thinking "Is this what it will be like soon?"

Oh well, I came home early to let the dogs out. I will hit the gym a little later, then come home for the basketball game tonight.

Trying to stay busy.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/05/10 08:48 PM
Originally Posted By: motherof3
GIMA - Don't you have a birthday coming up? What fun things to you have planned?


Hi MO3. Yes, it's on Friday.

I will take the day off, spend it with my kids, then head down to a certain golf tournament with a certain famous/infamous participant.
Posted By: BobbiJo Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/05/10 08:53 PM
Wow, heading into that media circus? You are a brave man...I think it is unfortunate for the other 99% of the people there. Hope the press control themselves...
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/05/10 09:35 PM
Originally Posted By: BobbiJo
Wow, heading into that media circus? You are a brave man...I think it is unfortunate for the other 99% of the people there. Hope the press control themselves...


At THAT venue, the press will be on their best behaviour or they won't be there long. Ask Gary McCord.
Posted By: antlers Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/05/10 10:06 PM
Hey GIMA. Long time! How are things going with YOU?
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/05/10 10:26 PM
Hey antlers. I'm doing ok. Sometimes GREAT, sometimes, um, not as great. But, I continue to get strong. About all we can do.

Got a new life out there somewhere. Looking for it.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/06/10 01:12 AM
Had a great dinner - leftover salmon I smoked Sunday. Topped off with a cigar and after dinner drink on my deck.

National championship game tonight, and my baseball team won today on opening day. Miss hte kids, but needed the space b/w W and me (they are visiting her parents out of state).

Not looking forward to the inevitable D, but I am getting excited about my new life. Spent my cigar time thinking about the qualities I would want in the nexr woman in my life (in no hurry, but I'd be lying if I said I did not want that). Good evening.
Posted By: flowmom Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/08/10 01:07 AM
You sound really positive GIMA smile . I know it's been a long road to get there. I appreciate your support BTW.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/08/10 01:11 AM
Originally Posted By: flowmom
You sound really positive GIMA smile . I know it's been a long road to get there. I appreciate your support BTW.


I had a lot of help from people here. I will never be able to repay what I received, but I will try.

If I can do this, SO CAN YOU, and everyone else here. Just takes faith and some hard work. But, you will get there. Just know you are stronger than this current problem - it won't FEEL that way right now, but you ARE.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/08/10 04:30 AM
gima,
Since it's after midnight, allow me to be the first;

Happy Birthday, friend. I wish you a wonderfully memorable day.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/08/10 11:48 AM
Originally Posted By: Gardener
gima,
Since it's after midnight, allow me to be the first;

Happy Birthday, friend. I wish you a wonderfully memorable day.


Hey buddy. Thanks, but you are a day early. It's actually on Friday. So, I have one more day to be a spry 41 year old.

Hope all is well with you.
Posted By: mac-ct Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/08/10 04:36 PM
Hi Gima,

You hit the nail on the head - you just CAN'T understand anyone but yourself.

I'm going to spend a little time catching up on the up's and down's of all my friends here (after the W has zoomed off in the car because I bought a new filter for the fish tank.

After months of bliss - an "interesting moment" :-(

Catch u later boed!

Mac
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/08/10 04:46 PM
Thanks Mac. Good to hear from you.
Posted By: CityGirl Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/08/10 04:49 PM
I have to tell you how much you made me laugh the other day.

I LOVE to cook so whenever I see a post about food it catches my eye. I read you had smoked salmon topped with a cigar the other day and actually sat here or a while and wondered what on earth recipe you used that called for a CIGAR on salmon. Then I realized what you meant. LOL!

CityGirl <--- nuts
Posted By: mac-ct Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/08/10 05:02 PM
CityGirl - it's EASY when you think about it....

How dod you think they make smoked salmon?

Gima - it's your fault that I'm back :-)

Thank's for that - truly appreciated!

Mac
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/08/10 05:11 PM
Glad I could make you laugh!
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/09/10 01:45 PM
gima,
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Originally Posted By: Gardener
gima,
Since it's after midnight, allow me to be the first;

Happy Birthday, friend. I wish you a wonderfully memorable day.

Hey buddy. Thanks, but you are a day early. It's actually on Friday. So, I have one more day to be a spry 41 year old.Hope all is well with you.
So confused. ALL day Wednesday I kept thinking it was Thursday.
I am doing very well as the sitch recedes and the future beckons. Feel like I lost all of '09 in an obsessive, futile attempt to to reach my former dear friend. That year is lost to me in so many ways.
But I gained much from it, not the least of which is these boards and the people who selflessly and sincerely gave so much despite their own deep suffering.

Happy Birthday to one of my first true DB friends!
p.s. y'know what? I've learned that when you take care of yourself physically, emotionally, spiritually, nutritionally, etc., 56 is just as damn spry as 41 smile
Who knew?
Posted By: CityGirl Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/09/10 02:59 PM
Happy Birthday! Have a fabulous day!
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/09/10 03:35 PM
Thanks guys. I really appreciate it.
Posted By: Cadet Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/09/10 03:54 PM
Quote:
56 is just as damn spry as 41 smile
Who knew?
ME


GIMA
I am still wishing I was going with you this weekend
Posted By: Awoken Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/12/10 05:44 PM
I missed your B'day!

I predict the next year is going to steadily improve for GIMA; 42 onwards will be the best!

You a good man GIMA!
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/12/10 08:22 PM
Thanks buddy. Things are going to get better for all of us.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/12/10 08:28 PM
I don't know if it's the fact that my allergies are really on me today or the let down after a great weekend, but I'm a bit down today. We march closer and closer to the mediation date. I can hanlde it, but it is still sad.

Thanks to everyone again for the birthday well wishes. W did not utter a single word to me that day. When I was in the car on my way out of town, she sends me an instant message to say she hopes I have a good trip and a good birthday. WTF?! I was just in the same house as you all day and you didn't say a thing to me. OK.

Then the next day, she sends me another message to say our S was worried I didn't like my present and that she still had the receipt if I wanted to exchange it. S has not said a word about this to me, and I seriously doubt he said anything to my W.

Very strange existence this has all become.
Posted By: Awoken Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/13/10 04:40 PM
Sorry you are feeling a bit down GIMA. I'm sure it's to be expected. I'm still shocked and saddened at what a different person my W is from the person I married, and it does deepen my grief. When you said "very strange existence", all I could do was agree.

Maybe it's because we are in the same town, but I find myself thinking about you often, and hoping you are doing well. I know you kids are young, and you haven't told them yet so I know you still have tougher days ahead. Stay strong GIMA, and hang in there.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/13/10 05:17 PM
Thanks Awoken. Doing better today.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/13/10 05:20 PM
So Awoken, you're here in the ATL too? There's something in the water!!! grin

A little levity for this fine Tuesday morning.
Posted By: Awoken Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/13/10 05:44 PM
Yep, ATL.

Something in the water indeed. Maybe is has something to do with the end of the drought? grin

I'm sure it's just a coincidence, but all the billboards seemed to switch to divorce attorneys at the same time!
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/13/10 08:11 PM
LOL! OMG, I've never noticed that. Of course, I'm in PTC, there is no such thing as a billboard anywhere in the vicinity.:)
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/13/10 08:18 PM
From what I've been told, the D lawyers are killing it right now. Really sad to think about that.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/13/10 08:31 PM
Time to switch specialties???

Seriously though, it is really sad that our system makes D such an easy option.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/13/10 09:28 PM
No thanks! No interest in that.
Posted By: Awoken Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/14/10 03:11 AM
The worse are the commercials for the legal firm "Cordell and Cordell" that seem to be on the radio all the time.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/14/10 06:32 PM
Monday was a bit tough. Yesterday better. And today is a litle better.

Was driving the kids to school this morning (like I always do) and my D tells me she and S have play dates next Wednesday with their friends. Then it dawned on me. Of course you do. That's the day W and I have mediation. Dammit.

I KNOW where my M is headed (really already there). I KNOW I can't do a thing to stop my W from this result. But, my heart is having a tough time listening. And, it hurts. And, it REALLY pi$$es me off.

I can, and will, handle this challenge. Just needed to vent a bit.
Posted By: motherof3 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/14/10 08:37 PM
(((GIMA)))
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/14/10 09:00 PM
GIMA,

I wish you the best! Love your kids with all of your heart and soul and focus on them. This is something that I wouldn't wish on anyone.

I wish I could give you some pearl of wisdom, but all I can offer you is understanding and hope for the future.

Stay strong and God bless!
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/14/10 09:41 PM
Thanks guys.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/15/10 04:40 PM
Well, all of my financial and other mandatory disclosures have been finalized. Now the L's will exchange information.

All set for mediation next Wednesday. Will be out of town this weekend...thankfully.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/16/10 07:13 AM
gima,
I hope mediation goes smoothly and equitably next Wednesday.
Hope you're out of town this weekend on pleasure and enjoy it, relax and recharge.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/16/10 02:05 PM
Originally Posted By: Gardener
gima,
I hope mediation goes smoothly and equitably next Wednesday.
Hope you're out of town this weekend on pleasure and enjoy it, relax and recharge.


Thanks buddy. I saw your excitement yesterday. Although I wasn't clear if she sent that email to you or you were thinking about sending it to her.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/16/10 10:44 PM
Nah, that was me tempted to send a stupid, needy email to her. But not really.
Posted it here just to get it out of my system.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/17/10 11:30 PM
Ugh. Had a fun weekend planned with friends from college I haven't seen in 19 years and I come down with a stomach bug. Fun. Had to come back early and got in bed. Feel too bad even to think about mediation on Wednesday.

My D6 is doing a great job taking care of her dad.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/18/10 01:17 AM
Oh.....that sucks GIMA!!!!!

I'm so sorry. It's great that your D6 is being such a great help.
Posted By: flowmom Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/18/10 01:21 AM
Get well soon GIMA.
Posted By: CityGirl Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/18/10 01:33 AM
Feel better! Sorry you had to miss your weekend but glad your son is there to help you out!
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/18/10 02:12 AM
gima,
Well that sucks!
Get better soon, willya?
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/18/10 12:34 PM
Thanks guys. Feel a little more human this morning.

Just going to lay low today.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/18/10 11:59 PM
Even better this evening, I hope.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/19/10 12:05 AM
Originally Posted By: Gardener
Even better this evening, I hope.


Yes. Better. Should be fine by tomorrow morning. Watched a lot of the Travel Channel today.

Meet with my IC tomorrow, L on Tuesday, then mediation on Wednesday. Makes for a hectic week. And I can't say I'm looking forward to mediation. Despite all I have been through, still feels strange to be in an adversarial position with W (don't worry, I fully understand what the deal is). Just saying, it feels unnatural.

Sure there will be some ups and downs before the week is over.
Posted By: mrbt Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/19/10 01:30 AM
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
[quote=Gardener]feels strange to be in an adversarial position with W . . . Just saying, it feels unnatural.


I know the feeling - its very strange indeed.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/19/10 01:34 AM
gima,
Feel better.
Good luck this week. I can identify completely.
I meet with my new IC tomorrow (actually first real meeting after initial consult & "interviewing" her two weeks ago.

Submit paperwork and go before initial review board this week with multi-count Ethics and Standards complaint against last year's ineffectual - indeed incompetent and damaging - MC.
I've been assigned an advocate/consultant by his National Organization who seems to think I have him dead to rights on two of my four Ethics Violations Complaints. Ah, justice!

But I digress and ramble.
This started about you.
Chin up this week, friend!
Posted By: flowmom Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/19/10 03:54 AM
It sounds like an intense week. I hope you take the time to just breathe whenever you can. take care...
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/19/10 07:01 AM
gima,
Originally Posted By: flowmom
It sounds like an intense week. I hope you take the time to just breathe whenever you can. take care...
Agreed.

Here: ignore the verses (if you want), I love it just because of the chorus.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAlWxZK-ps4
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/19/10 01:37 PM
Thanks guys. I'm sure I will need some good vibes and prayers this week. And, no doubt, you guys will come through - like you always do.
Posted By: antlers Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/19/10 03:02 PM
Hey GIMA.

As Gypsy told me..."A positive, confident attitude goes a long way."

FIB says to "steel yourself."

We didn't choose to be injured through divorce, but it happened. I think we gotta focus on ourselves and being the best people we can be in body, mind, and spirit...and being the best dads we can be.
Posted By: Awoken Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/19/10 03:43 PM
I'll be thinking about you all week, GIMA.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/21/10 02:47 AM
Mediation tomorrow folks. If you have a moment, send some good kharma/prayers/thoughts my way.

As much as this still hurts, tomorrow is all business.

Went to my support group (only one more meeting). Tonight's topic was reconciliation. Interesting. And, the leader of the group asked each of us if our spouse said they would be willing to work on the M, would we? Before I could even think about it, I said yes. At this point, I don't know if I still love my W, but I feel a sense of duty/honor to try. But, that takes 2 people. And right now, only 1 is willing. Not much choice there.

Anyway. Thanks in advance for all your positive thoughts.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/21/10 03:25 AM
gima,
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Mediation tomorrow folks. If you have a moment, send some good kharma/prayers/thoughts my way.
Will be sending them your way. What time?
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
At this point, I don't know if I still love my W, but I feel a sense of duty/honor to try.
Why am I not surprised?

Good luck tomorrow.
Posted By: flowmom Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/21/10 03:38 AM
I'll be thinking of you tomorrow GIMA. May you wear an invisible mantle of support, and may it lend you whatever strength and dignity that you need. (((GIMA)))
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/21/10 10:16 AM
The mediation is at 10:00 eastern time.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/21/10 03:46 PM
How did it go GIMA?
Posted By: CityGirl Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/21/10 04:20 PM
Thinking of you!
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/22/10 04:15 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
How did it go GIMA?


Well, in a word, LONG. Two words, really: VERY LONG.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/22/10 04:43 PM
Well, mediation yesterday produced a written, enforceable agreement that I can live with. Not a good choice, mind you, but the best of a really bad situation.

First, thank you to all of you for your thoughts and prayers. I had a calmness yesterday that allowed me to make some very hard decisions.

We started with mediation at 10:00 am and did not leave until 9:45 pm. That's right, nearly twelve hours! But we got it done and I'm not sure how I feel. I think I feel numb, relieved, sad, angry, resentful, hurt (good bit of that), compassionate and a little scared, all at the same time.

Couple of points from yesterday (there were many, but I'll stick with the most important). W, for the first time, showed emotion when she cried in front of my L, her L and the mediator as they were discussing visitation. It was abundantly clear that yesterday was the first time W had actually faced some of the brutal reality I have dealt with - that what she was going to get $$ wise from the D was not something she could live on, that the kids would, in fact, be very much affected by her decision to end our M and that, yes, it was going to be very, very hard to tell the kids. At one point, my W's L looked at her when W was complaining about how hard it would be to tell the kids and said "Didn't you think about this before you decided to file for D?!" Evidently not.

The big head scratcher for the day was as we were wrapping up the agreement, W wants to insert provisions into the agreement dictating when we would tell the kids we were D'ing, what we would say and that we will have a counselor present when we tell them. Not just "NO," but "HE!! NO!" This is a private, family issue and it will be dealt with in a PRIVATE family setting. I have already told W that this is HER decision and, thus, SHE will tell the kids (with me present, of course) in such a manner that does not imply I agree with the decision or that this was a joint decision. W is very concerned I will tell them she filed for D - her L told her at that point, "Mrs. GIMA, they are going to KNOW that."

Needless to say, the "I need a C present to tell the kids" provisions did not make it into the agreement.

At one point yesterday, despite my negative emotions towards my W, I actually felt sorry for her. And I had to fight the urge to save her from this. Her problems now.

So, we cannot afford two households unless and until the house sells. Everything in our agreement is triggerred by the closing on the sale of the house. We will put the house on the market asap. Once it sells, my child support and alimony obligations kick in.We also will hold off on obtaining a final divorce decree until the house sells (weird, I know, but this helps W on health insurance since her COBRA time limit will not begin ticking).

Anyway. I grabbed a later dinner last night, then home. Had a "download" of emotions lying in bed, but I knew that would happen. I know I obtained a fair agreement, and I will probably be happy about it sometime later. But, it's hard to be happy right now. I want my family together, plain and simple. I know that's not possible, but it's the truth. So, I will swallow hard, clear my throat and just put one foot in front of the other. What else can I do? The sun will come up tomorrow just like it did today and the day before that.

I know I can handle it, and I know I will. It's just going to be rough for a little while.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/22/10 04:44 PM
I hope you were able to keep the emotion out of it. It's so hard to sit across a table from someone you've loved so long and be adversaries. frown
Posted By: soleil Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/22/10 04:45 PM
::GIMA::

Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
The sun will come up tomorrow just like it did today and the day before that.


That much is true.
Posted By: flowmom Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/22/10 05:02 PM
That sounds like a very intense process. Somehow I had imagined mediation happening in several sessions. I'm glad you got a fair settlement, but as you say it's a hard thing to celebrate under the circumstances. When children are involved in D, it's hard to feel that anyone is a winner. I feel very sad thinking about your W's distress at the consequences of her own choices -- it seems so wrong that a person could take those steps that affect others' lives without considering those things first. I hope you can take the time that you'll need to process this experience.
Posted By: NoLongerHere Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/22/10 05:13 PM
GIMA - I can relate to so much of what you wrote. I've thought too about the strange mix of emotions recently as we hammered out and have begun to implement the agreement. Funny, yeah - the concurrent anxiety and relief, anger and compassion, etc.

And you're right, the only thing to do is to move forward. Let tomorrow come, and the day after that, and things start to become OK in increments.

Flowmom, we did ours over a number of sessions. Sure there's different formats for different circumstances. (We had a single mediator, did not bring our seperate lawyers, actually cut them out of the process).

Hang in there GIMA. Breathe deeply now that it's done.
Posted By: The Wifey Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/22/10 05:19 PM
Nothing to add GIMA but ((((((((((GIMA))))))))))))!
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/22/10 05:22 PM
Thanks guys. I really appreciate it.
Posted By: CityGirl Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/22/10 05:29 PM
The only thing I want to say is you are good man, a good dad and we are all lucky to have you here.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/22/10 05:45 PM
Originally Posted By: CityGirl
The only thing I want to say is you are good man, a good dad and we are all lucky to have you here.



Thanks CG. My L said the same thing yesterday - and she was great yesterday.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/22/10 05:48 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
I hope you were able to keep the emotion out of it. It's so hard to sit across a table from someone you've loved so long and be adversaries. frown


Mishka,

That's what my L was for (that and her knowledge and experience). I cannot say enough good things about my L.

And, yes, I was able to keep my emotions at bay and simply approach it with a business solution mentality for the most part.
Posted By: Awoken Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/22/10 05:58 PM
I can't believe the length of it! We just scheduled mediation day, and was told I shouldn't expect the day to go past 5pm.

Sounds like you handled it like the man and father you are, GIMA.
And you still found compassion for your wife, in the face of it all. Staying in the house, and telling the kids will be tough, but you can handle it.

(((GIMA)))
Posted By: luvless Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/22/10 06:00 PM
I concur with CG

Hugs and support is right here.

Luv
Posted By: Cadet Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/22/10 06:25 PM
It sounds to me that Mrs. Gima may have come to the point that she actually realizes what she is doing. It might be a good thing. Especially since nothing really happens until you sell the house. Keep up your DB'ing efforts. You never now what might happen!

My thoughts are with you GIMA. Keep your expectations at zero and stay detached.

You will be fine.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/22/10 06:31 PM
Originally Posted By: OldPilot
It sounds to me that Mrs. Gima may have come to the point that she actually realizes what she is doing. It might be a good thing. Especially since nothing really happens until you sell the house. Keep up your DB'ing efforts. You never now what might happen!

My thoughts are with you GIMA. Keep your expectations at zero and stay detached.

You will be fine.


OP,

I think you are right here, but I have NO expectation she will stray from her course. She has a strong ability to push those emotions down and not deal with them. I remain open to work on the M (for the right reasons), but do not think she will change her course.
Posted By: alice444 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/22/10 06:40 PM
(((GIMA)))

Ok, I've finally (almost) caught up to your sitch. What a draining day the mediation must've been. Wow. I didn't envision it all happening in one session either. So, do you still call that mediation or Collaborative Divorce, since your L's were sitting there too?

I understand there must be sadness with the small relief that you're through this part. I applaud you standing up about making W tell kids with you there, and not doing it in a way you're not comfortable with.

I don't know that I have much of anything helpful to say to you- I have a feeling my H will be much like your W in that there are things he hasn't thought of til the last minute, and that is sad. I think us LBS's think much more about these issues, ironically.

Take care of yourself however you can, pamper and be gentle with yourself today and in the next several days especially.

-Alice
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/22/10 06:49 PM
Originally Posted By: CityGirl
The only thing I want to say is you are good man, a good dad and we are all lucky to have you here.



Agree with this ^ , GIMA. For once, I really don't have any snarky, opinionated advice -- just one of those Sopranos-style "man-hugs," and a prayer sent up your way.

Puppy
Posted By: idontunderstand Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/22/10 06:52 PM
Same here, GIMA.

A prayer for strength and guidance.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/22/10 06:53 PM
Originally Posted By: alice444
(((GIMA)))

Ok, I've finally (almost) caught up to your sitch. What a draining day the mediation must've been. Wow. I didn't envision it all happening in one session either. So, do you still call that mediation or Collaborative Divorce, since your L's were sitting there too?

I understand there must be sadness with the small relief that you're through this part. I applaud you standing up about making W tell kids with you there, and not doing it in a way you're not comfortable with.

I don't know that I have much of anything helpful to say to you- I have a feeling my H will be much like your W in that there are things he hasn't thought of til the last minute, and that is sad. I think us LBS's think much more about these issues, ironically.

Take care of yourself however you can, pamper and be gentle with yourself today and in the next several days especially.

-Alice



Alice,

I think I would just call it garden variety mediation. Very expensive, but we got it done.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/22/10 06:54 PM
Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Originally Posted By: CityGirl
The only thing I want to say is you are good man, a good dad and we are all lucky to have you here.



Agree with this ^ , GIMA. For once, I really don't have any snarky, opinionated advice -- just one of those Sopranos-style "man-hugs," and a prayer sent up your way.

Puppy


Thanks man. Snarky is always welcome.
Posted By: flowmom Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/22/10 07:04 PM
Originally Posted By: alice444
So, do you still call that mediation or Collaborative Divorce, since your L's were sitting there too?
There's no intermediary/mediator in collaborative D. Just the 2 parties negotiating with the assistance of the Ls. But there's more of a process before getting to the table I think, with more input from other professionals.
Posted By: alice444 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/22/10 11:33 PM
(sorry to hijack GIMA)-- my L led me to believe, though, that there are no L's at the table in mediation- at least not the way she does it. It's either you both and the mediator (consulting with your Ls separately outside of it), OR you both and 2 Ls, no mediator...
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/22/10 11:52 PM
No need to apologize alice.

I think you can do mediation either way (I'm a L by trade and have done MANY). Having experience with mediation certainly was an advantage.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/23/10 03:45 AM
gima,
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
We started with mediation at 10:00 am and did not leave until 9:45 pm. That's right, nearly twelve hours!
WOW!
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
I think I feel numb, relieved, sad, angry, resentful, hurt (good bit of that), compassionate and a little scared, all at the same time.
I understand.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
I have already told W that this is HER decision and, thus, SHE will tell the kids (with me present, of course) in such a manner that does not imply I agree with the decision or that this was a joint decision. W is very concerned I will tell them she filed for D - her L told her at that point, "Mrs. GIMA, they are going to KNOW that."
Good for you for sticking to this. This is key.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
At one point yesterday, despite my negative emotions towards my W, I actually felt sorry for her. And I had to fight the urge to save her from this.
Some deep feelings die hard. I found this out when I confronted X's landlord for sexually harassing her a full year after she moved out.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Anyway. I grabbed a later dinner last night, then home. Had a "download" of emotions lying in bed, but I knew that would happen. I know I obtained a fair agreement, and I will probably be happy about it sometime later. But, it's hard to be happy right now. I want my family together, plain and simple. I know that's not possible, but it's the truth. So, I will swallow hard, clear my throat and just put one foot in front of the other. What else can I do? The sun will come up tomorrow just like it did today and the day before that.

I know I can handle it, and I know I will. It's just going to be rough for a little while.
You can handle it, gima. You have. You will.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/23/10 01:56 PM
((((((GIMA))))))))

Not really much more to say than that big hug. Hope today is looking brighter for you.

Any big plans this weekend?
Posted By: Awoken Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/23/10 05:36 PM
Still thinking about you GIMA. How you doing, two days after mediation?
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/23/10 10:28 PM
Thanks folks. I am hanging in there. Just riding the waves, up and down. Working on maintaining a PMA. Doing pretty well, all things considered.

I got no less than 12 emails from STBXW today with things she wanted me to do for her related to the D agreement (and some not). Good God woman. You didn't email me this much during the work day when we were M'd. I got to one or two of them when I could - these were things I agreed to do as part of the D agreement.

I am still mentally and physically wrung out. Didn't get much done at work the last two days. And I'm not surprised. Next week, I will attack my caseload and stay busy.

I know I'll be ok, better actually. But I can't seem to shake this sense of sadness at the loss of it all. Seems so unnecessary and, therefore, wasteful.

God has a plan for me. At the right time, I will see what that is. For right now, I just have to keep making progress for myself.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/23/10 11:28 PM
gima,
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Thanks folks. I am hanging in there. Just riding the waves, up and down. Working on maintaining a PMA. Doing pretty well, all things considered.
You sound pretty well, all things considered.
I'm glad.
Keep on keepin' on. The Plan will make itself known at the right time.
Posted By: flowmom Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/24/10 02:12 AM
(((GIMA)))
Posted By: antlers Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/27/10 12:38 PM
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
God has a plan for me. At the right time, I will see what that is. For right now, I just have to keep making progress for myself.


Hey GIMA. I'm not a Bible thumper by any stretch of the imagination. But I ran across a couple of things recently that stuck out, at least for me. I'm in a stinkhole of adversarial combat with the woman that I intended to spend the rest of my life with.

"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."

"Be sure of this: I am with you always, even to the end of the age."
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/27/10 04:08 PM
Antlers,

I'm no thumper either but my faith has taken on the proper impotance in my life. Don't know how anyone makes it through this mess without it.

And, I totally get the weirdness of doing batlle with someone you thought was always on your side before. Protect yourself and your future.
Posted By: alice444 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/27/10 05:35 PM
I'm not religious at ALL, but it would be nice if someone had a plan for me, for you, all of us. That's a nice thought.

It does sound like you're doing about as well as you could be, considering. Which doesn't mean you won't have ups and downs still- but keep doing whatever you're doing, I think you're going in the right direction.

Haven't heard you mention much (but haven't read entire sitch from start) about any support network you have- friends, family, etc. Hope you do have one and can lean on them when needed.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/27/10 08:46 PM
Alice,

I do have friends and family nearby. So, I'm, good with the support network.

Well, whether it's religion, spirituality or whatever anyone wants to call it, I do believe that evrything happens for a reason. We don't always know what that reason is at the time. But, I do think there is some justification for it happening.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/28/10 02:49 AM
antlers,
Originally Posted By: antlers
"We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed."
This is great. I have never come across this one. Where's it from?
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
God has a plan for me. At the right time, I will see what that is. For right now, I just have to keep making progress for myself.
And, gima, to add to what I said about God's plan for you previously, I believe God has a plan for me, too.
But I also figure he expects me to have my own plan for me as well (I can't let Him do all the heavy lifting!). grin
Not preaching to you by any means; just the way I look at it for me.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/28/10 02:53 AM
I agree with you Gardener. I have to do the Work.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 04/28/10 03:25 PM
Gardner, in answer to your question about the verse. It is 2 Corinthians 4:8-12.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/02/10 10:42 PM
Well, the house is on the market as of Friday. What was supposed to be 1 showing today turned into 6!!

Strange emotions today. I don't want to be D'd, but I don't want to be M'd to my W anymore. Weird. And there's a healthy dose of resentment lying on top of that tonight.

Spent 3 hours yesterday looking at apartments. Will see a condo tomorrow just before lunch. Got my budget done, so I know what I can afford. I am getting excited about getting W out of my financial affairs. Just have to cut her a check every month. I'll take that deal.
Posted By: luvless Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/03/10 12:49 AM
(((gima))))

just stopping by to give you my support
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/03/10 12:54 AM
Originally Posted By: luvless
(((gima))))

just stopping by to give you my support


Thanks luv. I've been following your sitch. Nothing to say other than look out for yourself and the kids and get the he!! out of that R.
Posted By: flowmom Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/03/10 02:55 AM
Sending you good "new home" vibes GIMA!!
Posted By: alice444 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/04/10 04:31 AM
ditto- I understand not wanting to be with them, not wanting to be without them. But it sounds like you're taking a great leap forward and I'm glad to hear some hope in your "voice" a little more.

((((GIMA))))
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/05/10 01:17 AM
Folks, the indifference is really setting in. Not in any hurry to date, but there is this one female who is a fellow L who is very, very interesting. And the thought of another woman being attracted to me really pumps my confidence up.

Not forcing anything. Just sayin.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/05/10 02:22 AM
gima,
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
...there is this one female who is a fellow L who is very, very interesting. And the thought of another woman being attracted to me really pumps my confidence up.
How could it not?
Good for you.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/10/10 12:39 AM
Well, an exciting weekend. My D6 has a heart condition that causes her to have a racing heart rate periodically. Normally, this is controlled by her medication, but sometimes, she has break through episodes, which require a hospital stay. Last night was one of those nights.

Good news is she is stabilized now on a new medication.

Last night, I let stbxw take D to the hospital and I spent the day today and will spend the night tonight with D at the hospital.

Got one truth dart in today. Just couldn't help myself. Stbxw told me D was excited when she found out I and S10 were on the way to see her this morning. Apparently, D was bouncing in the bed she was so excited. I responded with of course she's excited - her family will be together and with her. And, as expected, stbxw ignored the comment. I honestly don't think stbxw has any emotional component to her being anymore. Her loss. A loss she likely does not even realize she is causing.

I am enjoying the time with my D. Luckily, the hospital has a wireless connection so I can send this from her room and get some work done when she falls asleep.
Posted By: antlers Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/10/10 02:30 AM
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Got one truth dart in today. Just couldn't help myself. Stbxw told me D was excited when she found out I and S10 were on the way to see her this morning. Apparently, D was bouncing in the bed she was so excited. I responded with of course she's excited - her family will be together and with her. And, as expected, stbxw ignored the comment. I honestly don't think stbxw has any emotional component to her being anymore. Her loss. A loss she likely does not even realize she is causing.


Hi GIMA. Hope you're hangin' in there OK.
They are immune to truth darts.
She ignored the comment because she has already justified to herself what she is doing...the true reality of the situation has nothing to do with it.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/10/10 02:50 AM
Antlers,

I believe you are correct. She may or may not "feel" it but even if she did, she would not show it to me.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/10/10 02:51 AM
gima,
My prayers for you and D6 that she's home soon.
Truth darts? Their Truth-Dart-Armor is exponentially stronger and more impenetrable than our Spew Coats any day!
Posted By: CityGirl Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/10/10 03:47 AM
Sending good wishes out to your little girl (and you!)

So many wonderful parents on this forum!
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/10/10 01:49 PM
So glad your D6's medication change is working for her. You're a great daddy GIMA.

Isn't Wi-Fi in hospitals wonderful? Unfortunately I have to take advantage of it far too often spending time with my mom there.
Posted By: lees Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/10/10 05:41 PM
Originally Posted By: Gardener

Truth darts? Their Truth-Dart-Armor is exponentially stronger and more impenetrable than our Spew Coats any day!



laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh

Are you a roleplayer by any chance? Strikes me as the kind of thing my Dungeons & Dragons mates would say!
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/10/10 05:45 PM
lees,
Originally Posted By: lees
Originally Posted By: Gardener

Truth darts? Their Truth-Dart-Armor is exponentially stronger and more impenetrable than our Spew Coats any day!

laugh laugh laugh laugh laugh Are you a roleplayer by any chance? Strikes me as the kind of thing my Dungeons & Dragons mates would say!
Really going to date myself here, but no. The last game I played was "Yar's Revenge" with my sons on Atari! blush
Posted By: CityGirl Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/10/10 05:46 PM
What is Atari?! smile
Posted By: Awoken Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/10/10 05:50 PM
Originally Posted By: CityGirl
What is Atari?! smile
LOL! Thanks, needed that!
Posted By: Awoken Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/10/10 05:53 PM
I'm glad D6 is doing well, and that your family could be together there for her. I remember Ready2Change telling me to enjoy the last days together as a family, and it's taking on new meaning for me with each passing day.

Like mishka said, you're a great dad.
Posted By: Cadet Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/10/10 06:09 PM
Originally Posted By: CityGirl
What is Atari?! smile
LOL. Now G, Awoken and I are showing our older wisdom.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/10/10 06:19 PM
What is Atari???? LOL!!! grin I used to play tournaments with my parents and my friends on the 2600. Those were the days....sigh
Posted By: lees Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/10/10 10:11 PM
Originally Posted By: Gardener
Really going to date myself here, but no. The last game I played was "Yar's Revenge" with my sons on Atari! blush



OMG Atari was ace. When I was REALLY small wink
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/10/10 11:15 PM
Originally Posted By: lees
Originally Posted By: Gardener
Really going to date myself here, but no. The last game I played was "Yar's Revenge" with my sons on Atari! blush
OMG Atari was ace. When I was REALLY small wink
Yeah, yeah, yeah, guys...keep rubbing it in!
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/15/10 01:28 PM
Quick update. Work has been really busy. And I'm very happy about that.

STBXW had some surgery (not life threatening) on Wed. STBXMIL arrived Tuesday and is taking care of STBXW. STBXW doesn't know how long her recovery period will be, but doc's said it will be at least 2 weeks (and that's 2 weeks of stbxw in the bed).

I get along fine with my stbxmil, but knowing she gave stbxw the $$$$ to retain her L and disassemble our family still bothers me.

I am staying busy with work and the kids. D6 is doing great after her stint in the hospital last Sat and Sun. She went to a party last night with a friend of her's and friend's family, so S10 and I had a "men's" dinner out, then went to Barnes & Noble to do some window shopping (he loves books).

We have listed the house for sale two weeks ago. 14-15 showings (one today at noon is the 2nd visit by that family/person) but no offers yet.

I am REALLY ready to sell this house and get on with my new life. I have NO interest/attraction in stbxw. I think I would still work on the M if she indicated she wanted to...for the right reasons. But, as it stands right now, I just want to move along this path laid before me.

S10 has a baseball game this afternoon. Gonna hit the gym before that. Might throw some salmon on the grill tonight and pick up a decent bottle of wine.

Hope everyone is doing well out there.
Posted By: antlers Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/15/10 02:14 PM
Hi GIMA.

You sound OK. Good. I think your gut feelings regarding your STBXMIL are well founded. Mine was supportive of me throughout the entire separation, up until the time that her daughter filed for divorce. Then she made a complete 'about face' and dropped me like a hot rock.
Posted By: Carlota Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/16/10 05:17 PM
Hi there,
Is nice to know that I am not alone! I can’t believe the things you said, I am in the same boat and it sucks. I wish my husband realized how much damage a divorce cost, it is not a good way to solve our conflicts, but we can’t force them, we are powerless.
I can relate to the anger, I don’t demonstrate but I am sad and angry that he is throwing our marriage like a disposable item. My husband talks to me like nothing happen, and it is all an empty conversation, because actions speak lauder than words, when he does not spend time with me.

I have to stop now, because you need encouraging and I can’t give that to me at all.


Carlota
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/16/10 11:38 PM
Originally Posted By: Carlota
Hi there,
Is nice to know that I am not alone! I can’t believe the things you said, I am in the same boat and it sucks. I wish my husband realized how much damage a divorce cost, it is not a good way to solve our conflicts, but we can’t force them, we are powerless.
I can relate to the anger, I don’t demonstrate but I am sad and angry that he is throwing our marriage like a disposable item. My husband talks to me like nothing happen, and it is all an empty conversation, because actions speak lauder than words, when he does not spend time with me.

I have to stop now, because you need encouraging and I can’t give that to me at all.


Carlota




C,

I'm pretty good. But, it has taken a lot of work to get here. But, it's something about which I am very proud. And you will be too when you work through this mess. You can and you will.
Posted By: flowmom Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/17/10 02:58 AM
Sending you good real estate vibes GIMA! Starting a new life in a new home will open a lot of doors for you.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/17/10 05:59 AM
gima, I'm acouple of days behind and just startinjg to catvh up
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
We have listed the house for sale two weeks ago. 14-15 showings (one today at noon is the 2nd visit by that family/person) but no offers.
Damn, gima, I've had about 25 showings since November! Good for you.

Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/26/10 12:35 AM
Been AWOL lately. Lots going on. Sorry guys.

House is about to be under contract. It is bittersweet. Definitely fortunate it looks like it will sell (fingers still crossed) but it's the last hurdle before the D is finalized. Weird emotions. I don't want to be D'd, but I sure as he!! don't want her any more. At least not this incarnation of her.

I have narrowed down my new apartment/condo down to a few places. Gonna be different, but I can handle it.

STBXMIL left to go home today. Don't mind her, but I just can't get past the fact she gave STBXW $20k to retain her L and set about tearing apart our family. Thanks STBXMIL.

I am REALLY busy at work. This month is shaping up to be my best EVER.

I am putting out feelers for getting back into the dating scene and already have a few interested (and dare I say very cute and interesting) "lady friends." I am ready for a woman who deserves me and I her. No rush.

Kids' last day of school was today. I am taking S-10 fishing this weekend and cannot wait.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/26/10 12:59 AM
gima,
Good to hear from you. And all good news!
Wow.
Way to go, buddy.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/26/10 01:09 AM
Originally Posted By: Gardener
gima,
Good to hear from you. And all good news!
Wow.
Way to go, buddy.


Despite my not posting, I have been reading along with your thread, Awoken's, Luvless'.

Thanks, but I'm not sure how much credit I can take. Think the Man upstairs is looking out for me.
Posted By: tryingtilDorR Re: Keep Moving Forward - 05/26/10 07:43 PM
GIMA - where do your kids stand in all this? Have you guys told them what's going on? I didn't see any comments about that since you did the mediation.

Also, did your W have any suprises when it came to settling on child support/alimony? I remember that she didn't like her job and might have quit at some point - did you settle on support based upon her working and earning a living?
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 06/07/10 12:06 AM
TDR,

Been absent a little while. Kids still don't know, but they will soon. As part of the D settlement, I agreed to go to one C session with a C to "learn how we will tell the kids." I have already told her how SHE will tell the kids with me present. And that WILL NOT change.

To answer your 2nd question, I think she was surprised at what she could reasonably expect. Immediately after mediation, I think she switched back to immersing herself in to do lists so she doesn't have to face the consequences.

More on that in a minute.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 06/07/10 12:12 AM
Update on me. First, I have been watching many of your threads. Not posting, but watching.

Second, LIFE IS GOOD folks. REAL good.

I have put some feelers out and have had coffee "dates" with a few women. More this coming week. I have been trading messages and spoken with one VERY attractive and interesting woman.

On Friday, I had coffee with a woman. Conversation was good, and I felt very in control. After leaving, within 5 minutes, she sent me a text to tell me I was very cute (her words) and fun to talk to. And, at that moment, it occurred to me that it has been a REALLY long time since I had heard that. And, it was...VERY encouraging. I'm in no hurry, but I am slowly embracing the obvious - that there are a lot of really nice, beautiful women out there who are looking for someone like me. And, I've never felt more equipped to deal with whatever comes my way.

Hang in there people. There is wonderful, positive light at the end of the tunnel.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 06/07/10 01:07 AM
gima,
Good for you, friend.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 06/07/10 01:13 AM
Originally Posted By: Gardener
gima,
Good for you, friend.


Thanks buddy. You're there too. And I HAVE been following your thread. Good post earlier in the week on your one year anniversary with us. You're a good man.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 06/07/10 01:19 PM
Good for you GIMA! Sounds like you are progressing quite nicely.
Posted By: alice444 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 06/07/10 04:32 PM
That's awesome, GIMA!!!! Wow, I hope I find the same when I'm ready- I kind of doubt there are nice, good-looking, have dealt somewhat with their baggage, eligible men where I am. Not that I'm even close to ready to look, but the thought seems depressing.

You seem to be in a really good place right now- I haven't had the emotional extra to post much for anyone, but just wanted to drop in and see how you are- looks like you're doing just fine!
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 06/12/10 10:10 AM
Hi Gima, Been a while since I posted but I have been reading a bit and it's good to hear that things are moving in a positive direction for you. Cas
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 06/23/10 02:59 AM
I'm back after a long break. Folks, life is very, very good!!

Ok, house will close Aug. 2. We still have not told the kids. I know, not good. That's coming very soon. And, I'm not looking forward to it. Not one bit.

The reason we haven't told them is b/c I agreed to go to a joint C session with her to "learn how to tell the kids." I already know how SHE is going to tell the kids. The C session just occurred yesterday. Was the only joint C session I have attended with stbxw. And it was uncomfortable.

We each saw C alone last week to prepare for yesterday's joint session. When I showed up, C said stbxw didn't tell her much about why she wanted the D nor did stbxw really want to talk about it. What?! Stbxw is the one who asked for this C session!!! So, when I went for my alone session, I laid it all out for her. C agreed that stbxw was being unfair by not telling my why she wanted a D.

And the best part - C tells me stbxw was concerned I would treat the jt C session as an attempt to reconcile. WHAT?! Uh, not to sound conceited, but women have been coming out of the wood work gladly to try to take what she doesn't want (and that's pretty cool). I explained I no longer wanted that. I followed up and sent stbxw a txt to tell her C mentioned this and if stbxw were concerned about this, she shouldn't - I was no longer interested in reconciliation. Stbxw (or I could call her the narcissist) responds that the C "must be mistaken" b/c stbxw didn't say that. Hmmmmm, that sounds familiar.

So, fast forward to joint C session. C tells stbxw flat out that stbxw's refusal to give me an explanation was unfair. Stbxw responds, almost indignantly, that she thought she had. Stbxw: "Well, maybe I painted with a broad brush. I mean I didn't go granular." WTF is this woman talking about, and who talks that way? Anyway, C asks if stbxw could handle it (HA! I already know the answer to that one!!), stbxw should write an explanation to me for why she wanted the D.

Wife signed a lease yesterday. Good for her. Can I help you move in early?! I'm done with her as a spouse and have been for a while.

I am looking for a place and will probably move out before she does.

I know there are still a few dark patches ahead. I know I can, and will, handle them. The progress since coming here is nothing short of miraculous!!
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 06/23/10 12:37 PM
gima,

So good to hear from you!
Congrats on the house! (okay, jealous congrats whistle )
Sounds like you are now moving on at breakneck speed.
I'm glad for you.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 06/23/10 03:31 PM
You sound FABULOUS GIMA!!! I always knew you would come through this, no matter what the outcome, with flying colors.

Your STBXW is definitely in the land of self-absorbtion. Good grief! So, is she going to write out why she wants the D or is she just going to sweep this under the rug and pretend it never happened? When are you going to tell the kids?
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 06/23/10 09:24 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
You sound FABULOUS GIMA!!! I always knew you would come through this, no matter what the outcome, with flying colors.

Your STBXW is definitely in the land of self-absorbtion. Good grief! So, is she going to write out why she wants the D or is she just going to sweep this under the rug and pretend it never happened? When are you going to tell the kids?


As for telling the kids, we are still "discussing" that. I am pushing for now - she later. And SHE's the one who wanted the D, not me!!! WTF??!!!

What's that we always say here? NO EXPECTATIONS. I have no expectation or belief she will write any explanation for why she chose the path she did. And as I write this, I have a mental picture of her sitting down to put something down in writing (electronically or by hand) explaining why she saw D as the only option.

And implicit in putting down in writing out the "why" is that the "why" has to justify a D. And, I think I know some of the things she would write (again, I am guessing) and they simply do not justify a D.

So, either she has to make something up or adjust her perception of what she writes. In either event, there must necessarily involve some move away from reality, away from the TRUTH. I suppose this is one instance where the truth won't set her free.

Wow. That just sort of came out.

Mishka, I'm doing great. Only worry or emotion is for the kids. I don't feel a sense of loss for stbxw. Honestly, I don't. And that makes whether I receive an explanation or not from her completely irrelevant. It just doesn't matter anymore to me. Because I'm just too far gone to go back to her.

In meeting new women, I am very quickly learning that while I'm not perfect (none of us are), I'm pretty normal in my expectations from a partner. And there are many women out there who know how to say thank you, aren't afraid to show appreciation for nice gestures, are good communicators and actually desire being around, and with, someone like me.

Maybe that last part is just the last piece of the puzzle that is my self-esteem being put in place. Sort of the manifestation of what I knew after picking myself up off the ground (thanks Coach!!!) - that, dammit, I deserve to be happy and I'm not the bad person my stbxw thinks I am. I hope if she ever figures all of this out, there are people around her like I found here who can help her on her walk through he!!. But, it can't be me anymore.

Her choice, like all of her choices since the bomb, have consequences. If she was trying to break the bond between us, she's done it. And that no longer hurts. At least to the extent it no longer involves the kids.

So, there is life out there people. Don't ever, ever, ever quit working on yourself and don't ever, ever, ever give up. NEVER! It isn't going to find you. You have to go get it!!!!
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 06/23/10 09:45 PM
You're one class act, gima.

Her loss.

All the best to you - and it sounds like all the best is already beginning.

You were a friend to me from the beginning - and still are. I am truly happy for you.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 06/23/10 10:06 PM
Originally Posted By: Gardener
You're one class act, gima.

Her loss.

All the best to you - and it sounds like all the best is already beginning.

You were a friend to me from the beginning - and still are. I am truly happy for you.


Thanks friend. And I could say the same about you. I've learned a lot from you.

Sometimes you just have to DECIDE to be happy. Sometimes, it's easier. Right now, it's just easier for me, but there will be other times when it's not that way.

One of the women I have sort of been seeing lately thinks stbxw is having some sort of nervous break down or may be questioning her sexuality. Who knows. I'm interested in (1) my kids and (2) new lady friend!!! I KNOW kids love me and new lady friend sure seems interested...a LOT. Slow and steady, but this is, FUN!
Posted By: sandi2 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 06/23/10 11:56 PM
Quote:
Second, LIFE IS GOOD folks. REAL good.

I have put some feelers out and have had coffee "dates" with a few women. More this coming week. I have been trading messages and spoken with one VERY attractive and interesting woman.

On Friday, I had coffee with a woman. Conversation was good, and I felt very in control. After leaving, within 5 minutes, she sent me a text to tell me I was very cute (her words) and fun to talk to. And, at that moment, it occurred to me that it has been a REALLY long time since I had heard that. And, it was...VERY encouraging. I'm in no hurry, but I am slowly embracing the obvious - that there are a lot of really nice, beautiful women out there who are looking for someone like me. And, I've never felt more equipped to deal with whatever comes my way.


Oh sweetie! I'm so happy to hear about that! I just knew you were too good of a catch to sit there unhappy for long. Guess it just took a good-looking gal to let you realize that, huh? wink
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 06/25/10 02:51 AM
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Quote:
Second, LIFE IS GOOD folks. REAL good.

I have put some feelers out and have had coffee "dates" with a few women. More this coming week. I have been trading messages and spoken with one VERY attractive and interesting woman.

On Friday, I had coffee with a woman. Conversation was good, and I felt very in control. After leaving, within 5 minutes, she sent me a text to tell me I was very cute (her words) and fun to talk to. And, at that moment, it occurred to me that it has been a REALLY long time since I had heard that. And, it was...VERY encouraging. I'm in no hurry, but I am slowly embracing the obvious - that there are a lot of really nice, beautiful women out there who are looking for someone like me. And, I've never felt more equipped to deal with whatever comes my way.


Oh sweetie! I'm so happy to hear about that! I just knew you were too good of a catch to sit there unhappy for long. Guess it just took a good-looking gal to let you realize that, huh? wink


Hey Sandi!!! I think one of the things I learned here is that I had to be the one to realize I was a catch before I could be one. But, hearing I am from a woman who is very interesting certainly helps!!!!
Posted By: Energizer Bunny Re: Keep Moving Forward - 07/06/10 10:04 PM
Just checking in to see how things are going for you Gima.

I'm happy to see that things are going as they are. Good for you. You deserve it!

-EB
Posted By: tryingtilDorR Re: Keep Moving Forward - 07/15/10 04:51 AM
GIMA - I am discovering the same things. There is something to be said for an LBH who tries to keep their M together as long as we have and the right people recognize the value in that type of commitment we had to our families.

I am now realizing what I have lived without for a few years now (someone who appreciates me) and it feels great to meet new people.

Who knows, I may thank OM some day! I hope things continue to go well for you.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 07/18/10 02:48 AM
Just checking in after a long time away. We tell the kids about the D tomorrow. Not looking forward to it, but I can handle it.

Apart from the fallout on the kids, everything else is good. Found a great condo intown. Job is busy. Social calendar is full.

Say some prayers for me tomorrow people. Really, for my kids.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 07/18/10 02:52 AM
gima,
Be assured of my prayers for you and your children tomorrow.
Id STBXW still going to lead the discussion with you saying you don't want this.
Or has your original plan and thinking on this changed?
Good for you about the condo.
My social calendar is EMPTY...how 'bout some pointers? wink
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 07/18/10 02:58 AM
Gardener,

Thanks. Prayers will help.

My plan has not changed. She will tell the kids, with me present. She will not tell them anything suggesting I agree with the D or that this was a joint decision.

Pointers, I don't know. Guess I was due for a break. And got one.
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 07/18/10 03:13 PM
Prayers for you GIMA
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 07/18/10 03:21 PM
Thank you mishka. Trying to stay busy this am. STBXW went to church this am for the 1dt time in a while.

Just keep reminding myself I have to be strong for the kids. Thinking about does stir up a lot of emotions in me, though. Strange that I do not want stbxw anymore but I'm still really angry at her for what she's about to do to our kids. I know the kids will make it through this, but there is nothing that brings out emotion in a parent like hurting their kids. Damn her!!
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 07/18/10 04:24 PM
I understand GIMA. The protective instincts we have for our kids come out the most when they are being hurt by someone that is also supposed to protect them.

You'll make it through this GIMA. Let us know how it goes. What time are you doing this?
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 07/18/10 04:37 PM
Sometime between 3-4.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 07/19/10 03:36 AM
Hope it went as well as could be expected, gima.
Posted By: Dia Re: Keep Moving Forward - 07/30/10 11:32 PM
<sending prayers and good thoughts your way>
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 07/31/10 12:08 AM
Dia!
How are you?!
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 07/31/10 04:22 AM
Dia, thank you! Its been a crazy couple pof weeks. Have my new place. And I have the kids this weekend!!

Wish my M turned out like yours, but mine is what it is.
Posted By: Espr444 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 07/31/10 04:55 AM
Hey givingitmyall,
Just wanna wish you the best!! WE can all hope for the best outcome for eachother. Have a great time with your kids, as do I when I get my S. Well back to my Midterm good luck Hope
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 07/31/10 09:26 AM
Best wishes Gima
Posted By: Coach Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/02/10 06:26 PM
Send a prayer up for GIMA today, he is closing on his house today and he is really hurting over his kids.

Strength and Honor
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/02/10 07:08 PM
My thoughts and prayer are with you GIMA.

I completely understand your hurt about the kids. I too get angry about the whole situation.

Think positive.
gr8
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/02/10 08:21 PM
Prayers for strength and peace going up right now.

Hugs to you GIMA. You'll be just fine. If you need a sympathetic ear, you know where to find me.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/02/10 08:30 PM
Just sent one up for you and your kids, GIMA. Let us know what happens!

Puppy
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/03/10 02:35 AM
Thanks Coach and everyone. I can always count on you guys.

Today was tough. We closed on the sale of our house. The kids still don't understand. My 10 year old asked me who's idecision it was to sell the house. Had to explain we were selling house b/c of the D.

Have been moving stuff to my apt since Thursday. I'm exhausted! One more day of moving last little bit.

I know I can handle it and that I will be fine after this all over, but today was a kick in the pants!
Posted By: dolphin_05 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/04/10 07:49 AM
Prayers coming your way!
Posted By: pinhead Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/04/10 09:36 AM
GIMA,

God be with you. Pinhead
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/05/10 02:18 AM
Prayers and good thoughts and energy as always, buddy.

Forward...

Peace,
Posted By: CityGirl Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/05/10 02:53 AM
Hi Gima! Update us when you can. Every time I eat salmon I think of you and the cigar salmon smile
Posted By: iwantittowork Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/06/10 06:03 PM
GIMA, it's been such a long time my friend, I have been off the site for quite a while, but like I have said to some other, you are someone I think about from DB at times, and hope that you are doing well.

Sending my thoughts your way, and know that you will be handling whatever comes your way.

Peace, GIMA today.

Boy, I wished I could get together for a group hug with all you DB people at times!

IWITW
Posted By: alice444 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/08/10 04:18 AM
(((hugs))) just sending you hugs and hoping you're having a good weekend- will try to write more later.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/13/10 06:22 PM
Hi guys! Been a while since I've posted. Ups and downs as I adjust to this new life.

Ok, update. Since moving out, I went on a short vacation to Vegas and Napa. Left with $$$ from Vegas and had a blast!!

Kids have started the school year. I get them this weekend, so I'm in the carpool line as I type this. Tonight, we are meeting a bunch of my new neighbors with kids my kids ages tonight for dinner. Tomorrow, we will go to my brother's so the kids can play with their cousins - swimming and dinner.

All communication with stbxw is either about the kids or money.

The nights I'm alone are tough, but that's getting better. Looking forward to getting the kids this weekend.

Stbxw and/or her "lawyer" seem to be dragging their feet on wrapping up the settlement agreement. Judge has told us she wants the final agreement in less than 2 weeks. Get it done folks! I pick up about $500/mo once stbxw is off my health insurance, which can't happen until stbxw becomes xw.

I will be around a little more now that the dust seems to be settling. Thanks to all you guys for your well wishes, prayers and comments.

And for those of you about to go through a D, just keep your chin up. The kids will be ok (mine seem to be) and if your R was like mine, you WILL be happier without your spouse (assuming spouse was like mine and unwilling to "do the work" to save our M). It really is gonna be ok.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/13/10 06:24 PM

Happy to hear you sounding so strong, GIMA!! Best of continued success to you and your kids! grin

Puppy
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/13/10 06:30 PM
Thanks man. Good days and bad days, but I'm winning.

Still no evidence an OM (or OWY was/is part of my sitch. You may have to put me in that 1 percent where infidelity is not involved. But, at this point, I've seen enough of my stbxw's true nature not to care if it were present. I just don't want her, or what she put our family through, again.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/13/10 06:34 PM

Population-wide, I'd say it's more like 75/25, not 99/1. Once I see some of the red flags that people post, and read about certain behaviors and things their spouse has said, it then jumps to about 85-90%, but it's certainly not everyone.

Puppy
Posted By: Greek Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/13/10 09:26 PM
GIMA!!!! Cheers ~
Nia
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/13/10 09:48 PM
Hey Greek!! Hope you and Coach are well - not that I doubted that.
Posted By: soleil Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/13/10 10:00 PM
::waves at GIMA::

Glad to hear you're doing well smile
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/13/10 11:46 PM
gima,

Good for you, buddy. Prayers.

Peace,
Posted By: alice444 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/14/10 04:13 AM
GIMA- thanks for the update; sounds like things are going pretty well- take care smile
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/16/10 01:25 AM
Thanks for the well wishes everyone.

I had my kids this weekend, and I have to say it was probably the most fun I think I have ever had with them. Friday, we had dinner with a group of 24 in my neighborhood (everyones' kids included), and the kids had a great time. There was a lady doing balloon animals, and the kids loved it. Kids, and I made a lot of contacts for play dates and dinner outings.

Saturday, we went to my brother and SIL's (they have 4 kids), and the kids, and I really had a great time just being with people who wanted to be with us. I've always been close to my family, but the D has made me appreciate how valuable my family is.

At the end of the evening Saturday, my SIL told me that now that stbxw is out of the picture, they really wanted to spend vacations with me and the kids. Apparently, they couldn't tolerate my stbxw's need to control everyone around her. They only went on one vacation with us in 13 years, and I never knew why until Saturday night.

Sunday, we made a trip to shop for my kitchen, and a stop at the grocery. After lunch, spent time at a great park with a fantastic playground for the kids about two blocks from my condo.

Then we came home and finished putting their new bunk bed together. I decided to let my S10 try to help me put the top bunk above the lower one, and he (and I) was so proud he was able to lift it in place. Of course, D6 helped too. WE did it...TOGETHER - my new family. As small as the task was, I don't think I will EVER forget it.

Mid-way through Sunday, I caught myself thinking how relaxed I was around the kids - more than I ever remember being. And it hit me that I wasn't tense, short, or busy telling them what they couldn't do - and the only thing different was that my stbxw wasn't around. How much stress did she help generate in me? Tension? I let it happen, but, what a difference with her not around.

The kids are doing well. And, so am I!

Next weekend, stbxw will have the kids. And, I'm going whitewater rafting with a friend.

Hope everyone is doing well, or as well as you can.
Posted By: Chuck66 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/16/10 01:33 AM
YOU SOUND GREAT!
Posted By: alice444 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/16/10 04:19 AM
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
Thanks for the well wishes everyone.

I had my kids this weekend, and I have to say it was probably the most fun I think I have ever had with them. Friday, we had dinner with a group of 24 in my neighborhood (everyones' kids included), and the kids had a great time. There was a lady doing balloon animals, and the kids loved it. Kids, and I made a lot of contacts for play dates and dinner outings.


WOW, what a great neighborhood! I'd love to have that someday, I'm jealous wink

Quote:
Saturday, we went to my brother and SIL's (they have 4 kids), and the kids, and I really had a great time just being with people who wanted to be with us. I've always been close to my family, but the D has made me appreciate how valuable my family is.

At the end of the evening Saturday, my SIL told me that now that stbxw is out of the picture, they really wanted to spend vacations with me and the kids. Apparently, they couldn't tolerate my stbxw's need to control everyone around her. They only went on one vacation with us in 13 years, and I never knew why until Saturday night.


Interesting how people in your life hold their tongues til something like a D happens. I understand why, it's just kind of interesting. Not that we would've been able to see what they saw back then.

Quote:
Sunday, we made a trip to shop for my kitchen, and a stop at the grocery. After lunch, spent time at a great park with a fantastic playground for the kids about two blocks from my condo.

Then we came home and finished putting their new bunk bed together. I decided to let my S10 try to help me put the top bunk above the lower one, and he (and I) was so proud he was able to lift it in place. Of course, D6 helped too. WE did it...TOGETHER - my new family. As small as the task was, I don't think I will EVER forget it.


I love hearing this, GIMA. Especially from a dad. I hope my H and D will have moments like that together when I'm not there. And it emphasizes what they say about kids remembering these "everyday" experiences, when all of us are worried about our finances and changing lifestyles- well even a potluck or ordinary household project can make memories. It's nice for me to remember.

Quote:
Mid-way through Sunday, I caught myself thinking how relaxed I was around the kids - more than I ever remember being. And it hit me that I wasn't tense, short, or busy telling them what they couldn't do - and the only thing different was that my stbxw wasn't around. How much stress did she help generate in me? Tension? I let it happen, but, what a difference with her not around.

The kids are doing well. And, so am I!

Next weekend, stbxw will have the kids. And, I'm going whitewater rafting with a friend.

Hope everyone is doing well, or as well as you can.


Good for you for noticing that! That means you've done some good work in your head, I think. I also think it's very hard esp. for the LBSs to envision how life might be better in some ways when we're no longer living together. We're easily able to think of how things might be worse, though.

I have always wanted to go rafting- I hope you have a blast! My trip will be in September- solo backpacking in Yosemite for the first time since before D was born. I cannot wait to be in "my" park, alone with nature!
Posted By: Dia Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/23/10 02:26 AM
HI, GIMA,

You sound GREAT!! How wonderful for you. smile

Cheers!

Dia
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/23/10 02:37 PM
Thanks guys (and great to hear from you Dia).

Update from this weekend. I decided to break off seeing my new "friend." I just did not see the R being a long term one and was feeling VERY crowded.

And, maybe it's because I have a conscience, but I felt terrible about it. I really did not want to hurt her, and while she cried a bit, she told me she was not hurt...just sad.

Later, after she had left, I felt lonely and empty again. But, I recognize those feelings, and given what I've learned here, I am working through them. I will make me happy. No one else has that responsibility.

I have the kids tonight, then the next two weekends (b/c this coming weekend is mine and I have them Labor Day weekend).

The judge has given us until this Friday to have the final settlement agreement filed. STBXW's L has had our last draft for over 3 weeks now. My L has sent STBXW's L three emails to remind him we are still waiting on him. Could be fireworks later this week.

Hope everyone is well.
Posted By: Coach Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/23/10 03:06 PM
GIMA, Think the Dawgs can handle the Ragin Cajuns? Heard they are mixin up some voodoo for the Dawgs.

Cheers
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/23/10 03:15 PM
Originally Posted By: Coach
GIMA, Think the Dawgs can handle the Ragin Cajuns? Heard they are mixin up some voodoo for the Dawgs.

Cheers


I think we'll be ok for that game. But, it might get ugly after that.

Thanks for checking in.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/30/10 01:02 AM
Hey guys. Just checking in. I just got the kids to bed, and I'm contemplating a glass of wine.

STBXW is in full stride with a new man. And, I suspect it has been going on a while. Exactly how long, I don't know. So, Puppy, I may have spoken too soon.

STBXW should be XW by Tuesday. We signed the final settlement agreement on Friday, and the Judge is supposed to enter the divorce decree on Tuesday. What a wild, wild ride it was.

I had the kids this weekend, and will have them the next two weekends (b/c I get Labor Day this year and the following weekend was mine). STBXW is focusing on her new man (who was M'd twice and is, uh, behind on his child support and alimony - they deserve each other) while I am taking the kids to Disney for Labor Day weekend (I have the timeshare points this year). Should be a lot of fun.

I am meeting a new woman for a drink the week after Labor Day. Looking forward to it.

Hope everyone has had a great weekend.
Posted By: FaithnAK Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/30/10 01:06 AM
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall


STBXW should be XW by Tuesday. We signed the final settlement agreement on Friday, and the Judge is supposed to enter the divorce decree on Tuesday. What a wild, wild ride it was.


I am meeting a new woman for a drink the week after Labor Day. Looking forward to it.

Hope everyone has had a great weekend.



FREEEEEEEEDOM!!!!! laugh

Good to hear you being positive and going on a date will be a lot of fun.

Enjoy
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/30/10 01:32 AM
gima,
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
STBXW is in full stride with a new man. And, I suspect it has been going on a while. Exactly how long, I don't know. So, Puppy, I may have spoken too soon.
Wow. Sorry, friend.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
STBXW should be XW by Tuesday. We signed the final settlement agreement on Friday, and the Judge is supposed to enter the divorce decree on Tuesday. What a wild, wild ride it was.
Yep. And you were a model of selflessness and nobleness throughout. And so giving and supportive of others on this board throughout your ordeal.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
STBXW is focusing on her new man (who was M'd twice and is, uh, behind on his child support and alimony - they deserve each other)
Not surprised she couldn't find anyone better than you.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
I am meeting a new woman for a drink the week after Labor Day. Looking forward to it.
Careful of the rebound, buddy...but you know that wink

Good to hear from you, friend.

Peace,
Posted By: luvless Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/30/10 01:36 AM
hugs...
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/30/10 01:37 AM
Originally Posted By: Gardener
gima,
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
STBXW is in full stride with a new man. And, I suspect it has been going on a while. Exactly how long, I don't know. So, Puppy, I may have spoken too soon.
Wow. Sorry, friend.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
STBXW should be XW by Tuesday. We signed the final settlement agreement on Friday, and the Judge is supposed to enter the divorce decree on Tuesday. What a wild, wild ride it was.
Yep. And you were a model of selflessness and nobleness throughout. And so giving and supportive of others on this board throughout your ordeal.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
STBXW is focusing on her new man (who was M'd twice and is, uh, behind on his child support and alimony - they deserve each other)
Not surprised she couldn't find anyone better than you.
Originally Posted By: givingitmyall
I am meeting a new woman for a drink the week after Labor Day. Looking forward to it.
Careful of the rebound, buddy...but you know that wink

Good to hear from you, friend.

Peace,


Thanks buddy. Being careful about the rebound.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/30/10 01:38 AM
Originally Posted By: luvless
hugs...


Thanks luv. Hope you are doing well.
Posted By: LSG Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/30/10 01:42 AM
I have from time to time checked your thread, but I just never posted too much at the time.

I do wish you the best, and I hope this is great new start for you.

Best wishes!!!
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/30/10 01:48 AM
Originally Posted By: LSG
I have from time to time checked your thread, but I just never posted too much at the time.

I do wish you the best, and I hope this is great new start for you.

Best wishes!!!


Thanks LSG. It is a great new start. Learning of STBXW's new relationship put me in a weird place emotionally. Sort of an initial pang of jealousy until I remembered there is nothing about her I find remotely attractive. Sort of an "Oh yeah, why the he!! do I care?"
Posted By: alice444 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/30/10 04:16 AM
GIMA- you do sound really good. And I'm glad to hear that you'll feel relief when this (chapter, at least) is over.

What kind of visitation/custody arrangement do you have with W? I'm trying to figure that out now. You have little kids- how did you decide what was best and do you think it's working well?

take care-

A
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/30/10 11:30 AM
A,

I have the kids every other weekend and one overnight during the week. On the weeks ending with a weekend I do not have them, I get a "dinner", which means I pick them up from school, do homework, dinner, then have them back at their mother's by 7:30.

We alternate holidays.

I'm having to adjust to this new life and balance my job. But, I can handle it!
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/30/10 01:28 PM
All of this sounds really positive GIMA. So glad to hear it!!!!

Have a wonderful week and good luck braving those crowds at Disney over the holiday! You couldn't pay me to be there on a holiday. smile
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/30/10 01:33 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
All of this sounds really positive GIMA. So glad to hear it!!!!

Have a wonderful week and good luck braving those crowds at Disney over the holiday! You couldn't pay me to be there on a holiday. smile


Thanks. I would not normally go on a holiday weekend, but b/c STBXW would not tell me until the last minute that I could have the kids for their fall break weekend in October, all the rooms with the timeshare with Disney have been booked. Pretty selfish of her.

It will be hot, but we will take a pool break each day during the hottest hours of the afternoon.
Posted By: Coach Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/30/10 02:27 PM
Quote:
Sort of an initial pang of jealousy until I remembered there is nothing about her I find remotely attractive.


Maybe keep one of those basting brushes handy as a reminder. grin laugh

Become aware of what triggers those negative emotions then dispute them. ABCDE.

Have fun in WDW.

Cheers
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/30/10 02:35 PM
Originally Posted By: Coach
Quote:
Sort of an initial pang of jealousy until I remembered there is nothing about her I find remotely attractive.


Maybe keep one of those basting brushes handy as a reminder. grin laugh

Become aware of what triggers those negative emotions then dispute them. ABCDE.

Have fun in WDW.

Cheers


Thanks Coach! Basting brush was tossed in the trash a while back.

And I must have learned something here, b/c when I felt the jealousy, ABCDE is EXACTLY what I did. I believe the trigger is not that she's with someone else. It's my unjustified fear I will not find the right person ever again.

Rationally, I KNOW that's foolish. Emotionally, well, emotions don't have much to do with rational thought, do they?

The kids and I are going to have a great time. And I still have a bunch of timeshare points left, so maybe I go by myself later and play golf, lounge by the pool. If only Disney had a casino and the Bellagio....!!!! wink
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/30/10 03:18 PM
Quote:
If only Disney had a casino and the Bellagio....!!!!


I don't know how Disney's timeshares work but don't they have any reciprocal agreements with any properties is Vegas? Just sayin'.....sounds PERFECT!
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/30/10 03:41 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
Quote:
If only Disney had a casino and the Bellagio....!!!!


I don't know how Disney's timeshares work but don't they have any reciprocal agreements with any properties is Vegas? Just sayin'.....sounds PERFECT!


Don't think so, but I'm gonna check. Stayed at the Bellagio my last trip to Vegas, and I SERIOUSLY doubt they have any time share deals!!!

And while I left with money, it wasn't the kind of money where they send the plane to pick you up and take you to Vegas!!!
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/30/10 06:06 PM
Coach,
Originally Posted By: Coach
Become aware of what triggers those negative emotions then dispute them. ABCDE.
ABCDE? Could you refresh my memory on this?

Peace,
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/30/10 06:13 PM
Originally Posted By: Gardener
Coach,
Originally Posted By: Coach
Become aware of what triggers those negative emotions then dispute them. ABCDE.
ABCDE? Could you refresh my memory on this?

Peace,


G,

Its from "Learned Optimism." It basically stands for a process that you go through when you are depressed/angry, whatever. The gist of it is you search for the trigger that's causing your reaction, and I mean the base of it - it's usually a belief you have.

Once you identify the belief/thought that's the trigger, you question whether it is a reasonable belief/thought. 99.9% of the time, it is unreasonable (e.g., "I'll never find someone again.").

Then flip the thought/belief around to a reasonable one (e.g., "It may take some time, but the chances of me being alone the rest of my life are slim. And even if I am, I won't be lonely.").

Change your thoughts and your emotions will follow. Not the other way around.
Posted By: Coach Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/30/10 09:19 PM
Originally Posted By: Gardener
Coach,
Originally Posted By: Coach
Become aware of what triggers those negative emotions then dispute them. ABCDE.
ABCDE? Could you refresh my memory on this?

Peace,


G, Here's a version:

Quote:
The ABCDE Method of Learned Optimism:
A - Adversity - Define the problem.
B - Belief - Define the belief system that is interpreting that adversity.
C - Consequences - Define the consequences arising from the adversity and the (in)action.
D - Disputation - Argue the core belief and effectively dispute the belief that follow the adversity.
E - Energization - The positive feelings that overcome the negative thoughts after the disputation step.

Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/30/10 09:33 PM
Thanks, gima & Coach,

I'll have to buy that book. Borrowed it once from the library. Found the beginning slow going (or maybe it was just where I was at the time).

Peace,
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 08/31/10 06:21 PM
Well folks, my D decree should be signed off by tomorrow. Ready to have this chapter of my life finished.

Now, my family is my children and me. And that's just fine. I know they love me, really love me. Not because they have to, but because they want to.

I took the kids to school this morning, as I usually do, and they are pretty excited for out Disney trip this weekend. So am I.

Our Their cat died over the weekend, and my S was upset about it last night when I called to talk to the kids on the phone. I told him I was sorry and understand he was sad (so was I) but that it would be ok. It seemed to calm him down.

I am optimistic about the future, and I've already begun meeting new friends, some of whom are very attractive women. I am going to do some budgeting for the future to set some goals for getting back into a house/townhouse and to set aside some money for travel. I put that off far too long under the guise of being a "good husband" and not spending my family's money.

And, of course, I will budget savings for the kids, mostly b/c I don't think stbxw will. That, and I love my children.

Anyway, hope everyone is doing ok out there.
Posted By: Thinker Re: Keep Moving Forward - 09/02/10 06:36 PM
Glad to see all is well. Keep it up.

Best of luck to you and your kids.
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 09/08/10 02:47 PM
Hey guys.

Took the kids to Disney last weekend and had a great time.

I have a drink date tonight with a very attractive and interesting woman. Looking forward to it.

Life is good!
Posted By: soleil Re: Keep Moving Forward - 09/08/10 06:13 PM
Hi Gima ::waves hand:: smile smile smile
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 09/11/10 03:42 PM
Drink date was good. Have two lunch dates with two other nice, attractive women next week. And I'm talking with a 4th very interesting woman. Life is good.

I have the kids this weekend. Having a great time with them.
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 09/11/10 06:30 PM
Good for you, friend.
Posted By: iwantittowork Re: Keep Moving Forward - 09/19/10 02:00 PM
Glad to see you back around GIMA, and sounding so well!
Posted By: soleil Re: Keep Moving Forward - 09/20/10 02:13 PM
Hey GIMA. How did your dates go?
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 10/26/10 02:29 AM
I AM still alive. Just been busy...living!

Quick update. Met a great woman a couple of moths back. Unfortunately, she had a LOT of unresolved issues going back a long way. I can't fix those for her. So, she pushed me away, like she said she was afraid she would. And, I have enough self respect to say enough. Which was hard b/c I liked her....REALLY liked her.

Life is good nonetheless. Going to the world's largest outdoor cocktail party this weekend. Go Dawgs!

Kids are doing great. Ex has a boyfriend. Good for her. Thought about offering to pay for the honeymoon if they would get married. Would help with the alimony!!!!

Working out regularly, staying busy with my job, just living...for the first time in a LONG time.

Cheers everyone!
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 10/26/10 01:13 PM
Great update GIMA! So glad to hear that things are going so well for you.

GO DAWGS!!!!!!!!!!!

I think we have a real chance this year, don't you?
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 10/26/10 01:14 PM
Originally Posted By: mishka422
Great update GIMA! So glad to hear that things are going so well for you.

GO DAWGS!!!!!!!!!!!

I think we have a real chance this year, don't you?


Ask me on Monday, and I'll let you know!!
Posted By: mishka422 Re: Keep Moving Forward - 10/26/10 01:38 PM
LOL!!!!!

Well, after all those conference losses (GAG) we truly deserve to have bragging rights over FL for once don't we? HA!
Posted By: Gardener Re: Keep Moving Forward - 10/26/10 08:25 PM
So good to hear, GIMA!

Always felt that one way or another, one outcome or another, you'd survive...and thrive.

Prayers, friend.,
Posted By: givingitmyall Re: Keep Moving Forward - 11/12/10 03:21 AM
Hey folks. Just a quick drive by.

Kids are doing great. They will be going with Ex and her boyfriend to BF's hunting club this weekend. Ok. I honestly could care less what ex does on her own time, but involving the kids with BF is a really bad idea this early (I ASSUME, but don't know, it's early in that relationship).

I have the kids tonight, and it was tough when ex called to talk to them and D asked to speak to bf. Took all I had to take the high road, but I did.

Shifting gears, had a great date last night. Really cute, fun, and most importantly, well adjusted and emotionally healthy woman. Will see her again this weekend. Just see where it goes.

I'm a bachelor this weekend otherwise. And, that's pretty cool.
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