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Should I Tell Her to Move On???

Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/19/10 08:03 PM

I had a revelation yesterday about myself that has caused many problems in my M.

I realized that I suffer from anxiety. It started way back before we were married. At the time I didn't know what was my problem but know there was something wrong. The way I handled it was by drinking.

Once we were ingaged that is when my anxiety and stress really sank in. I was worrying about paying for a wedding, buying a home and building a family. All these factors contribututed to me anxiety.
I can't seem to shut my brain down, I'm always worrying about something.

This has caused me to have sleepness nights. I would go to bed with W but after an hour or two I would wkae up and go down on the couch.
This became routine and W did suggest for me to get it checked out but I thought I could handle it.

I realize now my W feels sex starved. I have caused her so much pain b/c of this and she has move out.

I was trying DB on her but nothing seemed to be working.

Yesterday was the first day I realized the beginning and cause of my faults in the M.

I havemade an appointqith an IC to discuss my problems. I hope it's not too late to changes things around but I feel it is.

W and I spoke yesterday(BEFORE revelation) and she asked me
"How much time can she wait for me"?

I know I have to work on my self first.

She wants to set up an appointment for us to get a POST MARITAL agreement.

I I have agreed to this b/c this is what she she wants right now. See explained that if we don't get a divorce then the agreement is null.

I want to tell her:

"I now know what my problem is, I am working on it and I don't kow how long it's going to take me to heal. I understnad if you want to move on with your life. I am sorry I caused you so much pain"

Is this a wise thing to do or should I just take care of myself and not mention my problems??
thanks
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/19/10 08:54 PM

Looking for some help.
Posted By: newmama

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/19/10 09:05 PM

Your wife deserves to know the truth behind your behavior. Will she go to MC with you? You can do IC and MC at the same time.Are you taking meds?

If you want to stay married I think you tell her that you are doing all of these things, you love her, want your marriage and don't want to lose her. See what she says.

In your case, you might want to do some pursuing to convince her you are serious, since pursuing would be a 180 of your previous behavior (distancing/rejecting). I don't know what the vets would say about this and am just thinking about it for you...
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/19/10 10:44 PM

Thanks newmama.

I think you're right about letting my wife know about me new discovery. I am not on any medication but I will be discussing that with me IC.

I'm not sure if she is willing to go to a MC with me yet.

We tried early on but it wasn't the right time, it was too early and not productive. Maybe now I have uncovered the root of my behavior, she will be will to try again.

I don't know if she's too far gone to even care about the problem now.

She has said to me numerous times "why did it have to come to this for you to wake up?".

I tell her - I don't know exactly why but it did and am working on the problems.

She is setting up the meeting for the Agreement so we will know how everything is divided.

She says she has been waiting a long time and doesn't know if she can wait any longer.
This is why I feel like just telling her to move on with her life.
It may take me months to heal.

I love her and I want her to be happy even if it's not with me.
That's why I am thinking about telling her to move on.
Posted By: The Wifey

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/19/10 11:04 PM

Don't tell her to move on. Get some help. Work on detaching. She doesn't know if she can wait? For the agreement or for something to change with you?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/19/10 11:07 PM

Wifey
She says waiting for me to change,

I feel now that this new discovery is known, I realy can begin to heal myself.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/19/10 11:09 PM

Should I tell her about the anxiety problem and say I'm taking the necessry steps to treat it?

Would that even make a difference to her?
Posted By: newmama

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/19/10 11:16 PM

It wouldn't hurt...might as well try!
It's just that in this case, it seems like you are the walk away spouse, even though she is the one who wants to draw up the agreement. It's like she's divorcebusting YOU!

Think about the easy thing to do (let her go) and the right thing to do (work on your marriage)...what's right often is not easy.
Posted By: The Wifey

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/19/10 11:16 PM

She probably already knows! Listen, if you want to tell her you are going for treatment, then do it when you have an appointment and then follow through. I don't know your wife or if it will make a difference. But you can't be as strong as you need to be while this is the case.

I take zanax for anxiety when I need it, which isn't all the time. It takes affect in about 10 minutes. But that is only step one of changing things. You can't pop a pill and go to one appointment to end the problems. It will take time.
Posted By: newmama

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/19/10 11:21 PM

Quote:
Listen, if you want to tell her you are going for treatment, then do it when you have an appointment and then follow through.


yes....actions must support the words!! But women need words, too, so be sure to tell her or send her an email after you set the appt. If you say "I'm going to" then that is useless. If you say "I have already__" then that has more weight!
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/19/10 11:21 PM

Thanks W

I don't want to give up, but maybe instead of suggestioning she moves on I tell her " I understand if you need to move on"

This might be better because I am validating ger feelings and not pressuring her.

I made an appt for next week. She know I talk to a MC. I did goto an IC but she wasn't good so I stopped. Right now I just speak to a DB coach trhough phone sessions.
Posted By: newmama

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/19/10 11:23 PM

"I understand if you feel you need to move on but I do not want to lose you! Here is what I am doing to solve my issues so I can be a terrific husbnd and father."
Posted By: The Wifey

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/19/10 11:24 PM

How about you don't tell her either one. That isn't giving up, dear. Sometimes the best thing to do sometimes is NOTHING.

I have to be going, so I won't be able to respond right away. I'm at a library and heading home.

Get the appointment before you say anything to her.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/19/10 11:27 PM

Thanks gals.
I like that statement better newmama.
The waiting is the hardest part.
Posted By: Number 8

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/20/10 04:13 AM

I think it's a great thing that you're getting help for yourself. Anxiety and depression can destroy a relationship, and it will speak volumes to her that you're doing something to take care of YOU. Please keep us posted on your healing process.
Posted By: dburt

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/20/10 04:33 AM

One thing I learned in my journey is words do not meen anything to the WAW, only actions do. I would do the therapy or see your family physician (my preference) and get treatment for the anxiety that you cannot handle for yourself. She will notice the changes and wonder what has happened to you. You will appear more confident and more appealing. Being a man means taking care of business, and with you treating your anxiety is taking care of business. Taking care of business is very attractive to a woman.

Changes are for you, the waste product on the backend of the equation just might be your wife taking a second look at you, regardless you will be better off for the future.

Burt
Posted By: The Wifey

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/20/10 12:24 PM

Burt, you are so RIGHT! You can say as many words as you want and it won't have the impact that actions will. Don't tell me, show me!

The pain is the hardest part in the early days. I know. Sometimes you just have to let yourself cry it out. Once you cry until you can't cry any more you get a little break. Its nothing to be ashamed of. The secret is you don't let HER know. Around her you are calmer and cooler.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/20/10 03:07 PM

Dburt

I know there is nothing I could say to change her feelings.
I learned that awhile ago.
But, should I not say anything to her about my anxiety?

Looking back it really has caused much of our problems in the M.

I want her to know what my problem is but I don't want her to her a pity party for me.

I do want her to accept the fact that my actions were not done to hurt her in any way.
It was behavior I didn't know was affecting our R.
I made an Appt with an IC for next week to discuss my issue.
Can IC perscribe medication?
Or should I go to my Generel family doctor?
Posted By: Number 8

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/20/10 03:42 PM

You may have to see a medical doctor or (don't be afraid of this word) a psychiatrist. I take medication for ADD and anxiety, and I see a psychiatrist. However, my psychiatrist does NOT do any counseling or therapy. In other words, you may have to see more than one person to get all the help you need.
Posted By: The Wifey

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/20/10 03:44 PM

If you really feel you have to say something then do. Just don't have any expectations for any particular reaction. No expectations, no disappointments.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/20/10 03:49 PM

I think I am going tell her about the problem and what I intend to do about it. Let it only for awhile and see what developes.

Essantially that is really all I can do.

The choice is her to accept me or move on.
Posted By: The Wifey

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/20/10 04:14 PM

As long as you understand that she won't decide to accept or move on the minute you say this.
Posted By: dburt

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/20/10 06:03 PM

She will not care at all about you telling her, in her mind it will be just another cheap attempt at making an excuse for why you are the way you are and give her more confidence that the decision she is making is valid.

Just take care of it for yourself, telling her will do nothing, she will say Im glad you are getting the help you need, and in her mind she will be saying, good lord, I'm glad Im getting away from all that drama.

Just take care of it yourself for yourself, if you are doing it for yourself, she does not need to know about it. She will find out about it, and she will like it when she knows it is not manipulation to get her back.

I use to tell my wife everything I did for her, If I washed the car for her, I wanted to tell her so she could appreciate it. I learned that doing things for her is the right thing to do, not at trick to get me brownie points. Now when I wash the car for her and then she finds the car clean, she is much more appreciative. Do you get where Im going with all this.

Do it because it is the right thing to do, do not help yourself for the sole purpose of telling her Im going to fix myself so you can love me again. Because that is the only reason you will be telling her.

Burt
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/22/10 01:18 PM

dburt,

I think you are right. She did say some of the things I've been doing make her feel manipulated.

How will she find out about it though???

I made the appointment for this week.
I need to make some serious changes for myself.
Posted By: dburt

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/22/10 02:18 PM

She will see the difference, and finally she may ask you about it, simply say, "I've been putting this off for a long time, but I finally have taken the steps necessary for a happy me."

But do not worry about whether or not she does notice or not, just make sure you do this for you. The alternative of telling her will do more harm than good.

Burt
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/22/10 03:52 PM

dburt.

I have one other concern and that she said something about time.

In our latest convo she asked how long does she need to wait?

For her she has been waiting a long time for me to make a change.

She even suggested I get checked out for my sleeping disorder.

I decided over the weekend to give up coffee and beer,
and to see a doctor about my anxeity.

I am already feeling the efffects of no coffee.

I know this new course of actions for me will take time.

Time I may not have.

She has suggested we draw up a Post-Marital Agreement in case she decides to end it.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/22/10 07:02 PM

dburt
thanks for the insight.

I will TCB for myself. STop thinking about her actions and present myself to her in my best light.

Check back soon.
Posted By: *KS*Chick*

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/22/10 10:05 PM

Hey gr8 ~

Checking in on you.

My advice FWIW:

1. Don't tell her you understand she might need to move on (or any variation of the phrase...) To me it's saying move on, any way it's worded.

2. The changes you are making should be solely for you. A bonus would be if your wife sees the changes and realizes you are not all talk.

Keep your chin up, make the appointment, and fill her in on what you think is going on, when your appointment is, and if you feel comfortable, invite her along to share her insights.
Posted By: dburt

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/22/10 10:22 PM

Do not help her in the process, speak to a lawyer about your rights, but this is her decisions she should do the legwork. How often does she contact you, because I KNOW you are not contacting her correct?

Burt
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/22/10 10:51 PM

I do not contact her at all. I see her twice aweek when we drop the kids off at each thers places. I do not bring up anything about the R, just kids stuff if needed.

We had our talk last week and she said she was going to email the website of the mediator.

She has not done that yet.

As for telling her to move on,
I won't in anyway suggest that b/c it's not what I want.

I blow it one time when she ashed how my counseling was going. I was angry at her and was very short with my answer.

I won't make that mistake again.

If she asks I will go much deeper.

I am no longer angry at her and now I'm focusing on solutions,
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/22/10 11:09 PM

KS Chick.

I noticed you have been here quite awhile and many posts.

Have you seen any success over the years?
Posted By: *KS*Chick*

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/22/10 11:14 PM

Depends on how you define success.

I have been divorced 3 years in July. If you define success by still being married, then I guess not.

However in the past 4 years I have learned a lot about me, who I am, what I want, and have such a great relationship with my daughter. To me, that is how I define success, so yes wink
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/22/10 11:23 PM

I did see you info at the bottom, and you are OK with it.

I am sure you have seen so much here. Good and bad.

I guess I am having trouble comprehending making changings for me.

W has told me in the past to address my sleeping issues.

I have made that decision to address it.

I know I need to address it for myself but I think of her in the back have my mind.

In fact the changes I'm making need to be done for me but I can't help thinking this is what she needs to see in me.

Making changes for me, but will be kind to W when she asks me about me.
Posted By: *KS*Chick*

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/22/10 11:29 PM

When you're told to make the changes for you, the end result should be......even if you and your wife end up divorced, will you keep up the changes because they are better for you?

i.e. sleeping issues - if you do address them, it benefits you. Her seeing it - is an added bonus.

your anxiety - definitely will benefit you to get a handle on it. Her seeing it.....well you get the idea.

Don't do things just for show. Don't start making every meal, doing all of the dishes, laundry, house cleaning, lawn mowing......if it's not something you can keep doing forever. Don't do things just to get her to "notice" - KWIM?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/23/10 01:25 AM

Thanks KSC

Unfortunately my wife has left the home and I'm working with only seeing twice a week when we exchange to kids.

I know my sleeping and anxiety issues are important to me no matter what happens. They need to be address immediately.

Thank you for taking the time to stop by my posts.
Posted By: dburt

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/23/10 02:05 PM

I still hang around here because the program worked for me, my wife and I are now in a great place, just went to dance lessons on Thursday, had a great time! (something I would not have done 14 months ago).

When do you have the kids?
Posted By: jasper67

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/23/10 02:22 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive


Unfortunately my wife has left the home and I'm working with only seeing twice a week when we exchange to kids.



I am in the same boat, except no kids- we have dogs, but I have made a boundary for W to keep her's while having an A. I know it's difficult to sep the two- doing/ changing things that need to be changed for you, and then for the M.

Ultimately we want W to notice, so something can happen. I struggle daily- but if I believe my M is dead- even if it's not what I want, then the focus has to be on me...
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/23/10 02:27 PM

dburt,

I am glad you worked things out in your M.

I am honestly looking to have the M that w and I dreamed about.

I have the kids either Saturday thru Wednesday morning or Sunday through Wednesday morning, depending on the week.

We agreed to split time with the kids 50/50.
This was her idea b/c she was 4 when her Parents Divored and didn't like the fact that she saw her dad only on the weekends.

Our kids goto day care Monday and Tuesday and her parents take a day to watch them Wand Th. She is off Fridays from work so she has them to herself.

If my W asked about my IC again would it be OK for me to say something like this? -

"My last few sessions have really uncovered an issue with myself that caused our marriage not to thrive. I am taking the neccessary action to got the help I need so I can be a happier person."

As you said earlier, it won't mean anything to her if I tell her b/c it wouls sound like another attempt to get her back.

I do not want to make that mistake again.

I do want her to honestly believe my actions are sincere.

thanks
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/23/10 02:41 PM

Maynard

I have read your sitch awhile ago also mt27??(I think) and our situations are quite similiar.

I am not dealing with OM. That has been confirmed.
My W has just given up on me b/c she thinks I can't change. I'm sure she tried to make things better over the past year if not more but I was inresponsive to her actions.

It really did take her saying she's leaving to wake me up and take action.

She asked me many of time " Why did it have to come to thjis for me to respond?"

I couldn't give her an answer before but now I realize my problems and can answer her.

Problem is she most likely doesn't care now.

I will handle this in a mature way and get the help I need.
Posted By: *KS*Chick*

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/23/10 04:03 PM

hey Gr8 - Don't assume she doesn't care. I don't know that I would bring it up to her though, unless she asks how it's going.....
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/23/10 05:09 PM

KS,

Your right. I should not try to mind read. I was doing that before and it all backfired.

I can't wait for this week to end. I have my IC on Thursday night.
I was seeing an IC early on in the process but I didn't feel comfortable with her. I think she may have been a social worker.

I would have a phone session with a DB coach then see her the following day and it felt like I was running the session.
I didn't like that she said both people have to be working on the marriage for it to survive.
I dropped her after the second visit.

May this new C will help me better than the first.
Especially now I can start to address my issues .
Posted By: dburt

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/24/10 02:05 PM

I know it is hard but try not to worry so much about what she is thinking. Here is an idea for you, when you have the kids, ask if you can drop them off early so you can get to a (fill in the blank) night out with friends, overnight trip with friends, dance lessons, happy hour with a bunch of people, to the spa. Something that will have her wondering wow, who is this guy. Look great, smell nice, do something different with your hair, have on some new shoes, whatever. She may or may not do it then but eventually she will ask, what is this? Just say, ever since I got some help with some of my problems I feel great and I want to enjoy life, and not have it pass me by.

This will entrigue her, ask herself if she is missing something with you, and also wonder what all of this is about. And maybe most importantly am I loosing him?

Mostly she will see a happy fun you, regardless of how you got there.

Burt
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/24/10 03:32 PM

dburt,

thanks for those suggestions. I did in fact do everything you mentioned from the new hair style to new clothes to going out.

Maybe she did noticed them but she has not commented on any of them(NOT that I'm Looking for her to say something.)

I have always been soft spoken in our R. Not expressing my feeling to her. If did something that annoys me I would not say anything. This way I would avoid an arguement.

I know that healthy M can have arguements.
No two people are going to get along 100% of the time.

That brings me back to me telling her about my issues and what I'm doing to address them. This would be a 180 for me.

I am mad at myself b/c she has mentioned to me in the past about my slepping disorder and I did nothing about it.

Are dead set against me telling her that?

I have an IC tomorrow night(Weather permitting.) This will be my first with a new IC.

My DB coach suggested I see one to discuss my anxiety.

I think she incovered something I can build on.

Thanks again for checking in on me. It means a lot.
gr8
Posted By: The Wifey

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/26/10 03:53 PM

My advice:

If she asks how the C is going say it is going well. No details. None. Then do like dburt advised with looking good, asking to drop the kids off early, etc. Except, I wouldn't say anything about dealing with issues and not letting life pass me by. If she wanted to know what was up then just say that you are just living your life. Again, no details.

You WANT to be a mystery.
Posted By: *KS*Chick*

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 02/27/10 01:51 PM

Gr8 ~ I don't think you should volunteer the information but if she asks, you can tell her that you have been and maybe somehow use that to validate her - like I'm glad you kept on me about that, because now I'm getting treated for it, etc. and am feeling so much better - so thank you.

Did that make sense?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/01/10 03:40 PM

Update.
I went to my first session with my new IC, I went a few months ago to an IC and didn't like or feel comfortable with her.

My new IC went well for the first visit. I told him I was there to adress my anxiety and sleeping issues. I did tell him I talk to a DB coach about my M porblems and he agreed to not address my M or R unless I wanted to. Fair enough.

First session went well, I am learning to get a grip on thing I can't control. I honestly felt goog the past few days. I am no longer consumed by Wife's actions or thoughts.

I researched some natural remedies for anxiety and found some herbal teas that claim to help. I picked up a few and can honestly say I feel more calm. I gave up drinking coffee b/c of the caffeine. The first week was hard b/c of the haedaches but now I feel better. I also gave up drinking beer at night to relax me. I was in a mad cycle of drinking a pot of coffee in the the morning then drinking a few beers at night to relax.

I also enrolled in a yoga class that starts this week. I hope this will also help me reduce stress.

Time will tell I feel so much better about myself.

Also W has not emailed me the website for the Mediator yet.
It's been over a week and a half since she said she was going to send me the info.

Even if she does sent it, I am OK with it.
It's just a piece of paper.

Thank you all who have stopped by and commented.
I will have more updates soon.
Enjoy the Day!
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/01/10 03:53 PM

Originally Posted By: *KS*Chick*
Gr8 ~ I don't think you should volunteer the information but if she asks, you can tell her that you have been and maybe somehow use that to validate her - like I'm glad you kept on me about that, because now I'm getting treated for it, etc. and am feeling so much better - so thank you.

Did that make sense?


This makes perfect sense. Thanks KSC
Posted By: dburt

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/01/10 03:54 PM

Do not be afraid to go to your family physician and speak to him about your anxiety/depression issues, he/she will be able to determine if this is normal anxiety that you can remedy with relaxation techniques, or a chemical imbalance that you need to adjust. It does wonders.

Burt
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/01/10 07:23 PM

dburt,

The last few days I have been feeling pretty good about myself.

Since I'm not obsessing with W actions I have reduced my stress dramatically. I feel as if a weight has been lifted off of my chest.

For the first time I realize what detaching and letting go really means.

I am looking forward to a more healthy me and if she needs to move on to be happy, then so be it.
I don't have ill feelings towards her. I wish her the best.

I don't think I could have wriiten this a few weeks ago.

Looking forward to yoga class too!
Posted By: dburt

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/01/10 10:21 PM

Fantastic!

Burt
Posted By: *KS*Chick*

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/03/10 10:41 PM

how're you doing gr8?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/04/10 02:16 AM

KS
Thanks for checking in. I am not doing well at all.
W called to to discuss the meeting with the Mediator.

Told me about what Mediator will be able to do. W said she could represent both of us but I'm not too sure if I want that.

I told her I was hoping we could talk in person to discuss our IC but she said she didn't want to talk circles like we did last time. She added "What can you tell me now that's different from before?"

That's when I informed her about my anxiety problem and that it lead to many of my problems. I told her I was addressing my issues about my sleeping disorder too(Something she told me to do long ago) and she said I've been telling you that years ago.

I then proceeded to say "Let's go to the court house next week and get a no fault divorce. If that's what's going to make you happy." she replied "DON'T USE THAT MANIPULITIVE CRAP ON ME ANY MORE".

Other statements she said were:

I don't want to be with you anymore.
I don't want to waste five more years to see nothing has changed.

I said to her "You words spoke volumes to me"

I get it, she want out with no possible reconciliation/

She is full of resentment and I can not SAY or DO or SHOW anything to soften her heart.

I will be going to the meeting with the mind set that it is truely over.

I don't want to be with someone who doesn't have any compassion.(She even said she doesn't- and that was about our kids when they misbehaved)

I am looking for closure now.

I will continue to take care of myself and know life will be better soon.

I am retiring at DB, hanging up my jersey without winning the championship.
Posted By: *KS*Chick*

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/04/10 02:02 PM

Oh.......well I don't really think you should give up so soon, but if you do I understand if you feel you've done all you can.

2x4 - don't jump to telling her "meet me in court" if you want to save it. DB isn't always about saving your marriage. Sometimes it's about saving yourself.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/04/10 02:12 PM

Rhanks KS.

W has said she is mentally checked out of M. Done trying to work on M.

I guess the only that really bothers me is the way she went about ending it.

In her mind she tried last year to fix M but I was unaware of her actions. Now I'm tryiing to save it and she knows, but sometimes it really is too little too late.

I don't know if she plans to file right away after the agreement is final but if she does I'm OK with it.

I am now feeling that I don't want to work on it any more.


I plan to to go to the meeting and declose everything and not be taken advantage of.

MAybe if she sees me moving on with life she may soften. MAybe Not.

I reread the chapter on LRT today and it even says rhings may not work out.
Also I read a=on this board about when women leave/Separate it usually is the end.

More men tend to go back women but not women to men.

Am I wrong on this??

What else can I do???
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/04/10 04:52 PM

Originally Posted By: *KS*Chick*
Oh.......well I don't really think you should give up so soon, but if you do I understand if you feel you've done all you can.

2x4 - don't jump to telling her "meet me in court" if you want to save it. DB isn't always about saving your marriage. Sometimes it's about saving yourself.



It is all about me now and what's best for me.
Posted By: *KS*Chick*

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/04/10 05:25 PM

ok
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/04/10 08:23 PM

KS What do you think about the questions I had???
Posted By: *KS*Chick*

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/04/10 11:57 PM

well you kind of sound like you've made your mind up. I guess it depends on the fight in the dog. DB isn't just about saving your marriage. I am divorced but will tell you I am a success story IMO.

I should tell you that there are times - quite often in fact, that I am blunt, and possibly too blunt.

What have you done for you? What changes have you made for you? And for how long?

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
In her mind she tried last year to fix M but I was unaware of her actions. Now I'm tryiing to save it and she knows, but sometimes it really is too little too late.


How long did she try? How long did you try? I'm not trying to say it's tit for tat, but asking how long you have been putting forth the effort, compared to the length of the marriage, etc.

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
I am now feeling that I don't want to work on it any more.

I reread the chapter on LRT today and it even says rhings may not work out.

Also I read on this board about when women leave/Separate it usually is the end.

More men tend to go back women but not women to men.

Am I wrong on this??

What else can I do???


You're right. Things might not work out. And yet, somewhere, there will be a successful marriage out of this process. Have you checked the other spots on the board also? Piecing?

I'm not jumping you, just offering a different perspective...

If you're done, you're done. If you feel you've done all you can, and can move forward with no regrets, then you are done.

But just because she is ready to file.....doesn't mean it's done, and doesn't mean you are a failure. Those things she brought to light - should probably still be addressed for YOUR success.

Good luck gr8....with whatever you choose. smile
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/08/10 12:26 AM

KS

Last week was a bad week for me. It seems everything I try is dismissed and I just don't know what to do anymore.

I am at the point that I think I should just lay it all on the line.

maybe ask her out?

Write her a letter stating my goals in the M.

I know she is having a hard time adjusting to the greener side.
She is very family oriented and says she really does not want to do the bar scene.

I have checked out other forums here and just can't find anything to relate to my sitch.

I am an open book when it comes to ideas.

I was told by a friend that I am very analytical and maybe I was trying to appeal to her in that way.

He suggested that I try to appeal to her emotional side.
I like this but need ideas to how to act.


Can anyone make any suggestions?

I feel stuck and need help.
Posted By: *KS*Chick*

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/08/10 01:56 PM

The things you are doing - should be for you, not to impress her. Have you spoken at all? When is the mediator meeting supposed to occur?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/08/10 05:19 PM

I know my changes are for me and I continuing to try to improve myself every day.
As for the mediator, the initial tlak was three plus weeks ago and after that she said she would email me the contact information. I never received the email.

She called me last week to ask about D5 school registration but then that led into talk about mediator once again.

She told me about the process taking 3-4 steps and that the mediator could represent both of us.
She then again said she would email me the infomation.

I did mention that I did want to talk to her in person and she said - What has changed?

I told her about my anxiety issues and my sleeping problems.
Per my DB coach.

She went on to say that she has been telling me to get the sleeping issue looked at for years.

Would do not talk other than for 3-5 minutes when we drop the kids off at each others place.

She knows how I feel about the M. She knows I want to work on it. But maybe I should tell I may or may not be willing to do so in the future. I dont know.


She still has not email me the meadiator info.
Do I proceed to ask her to sent it to me?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/08/10 07:13 PM

Well I just received the email about the Mediator.

I guess she thinks it's the solution.

I will call the mediator to find out exactly what's going on with the process.
Posted By: figgeroni

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/09/10 08:13 PM

it is your choice to throw in the towel whenever you want
I would caution you about the attitude of "because she wants this then I wil do that"

you are looking to make her the bad guy, it sounds, and you the victim

no one can make you the victim

carry yourself with grace and dignity in a way that your children will be proud of later
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/10/10 01:43 AM

I'm not one to quit at anything in fact I like a challenge.
I haven't gooten where I am now by giving up when things got tough.

This is no exception. It's like KS Chick said - DB isn't always about saving the M it's about improving the individual to get through this horrible experience.

I have my share of bad days and they are usually when my kids are not handleing it well. It breaks my heart to see my kids go through this too.

I haven't given up yet, Just need to focus harder on me not my situation.

I'll post more once it developes.
Thanks for stoppong by and responding.
Posted By: luvless

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/10/10 01:58 AM

hugs gr8 day....
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/10/10 06:34 PM

Well today I feel so much better.

I had a great time with the kids the past few days and got in some snuggle time too.

The weather has been great the past few days and that helps me to be in a good mood. The next 5 five days however it will be raining.

Dropped the kids off this morning and have had only one moment of sadness and that b/c I thought about how they are going to turn out.

W usually calls each night to say goodnight to the kids and D5 has asked her if she want to talk to me and W says NO.

The one time I had friends over for dinner with their little girl and W called. She told W who was over(innocently) and at the end she asked again if she wanted to talk to daady. W again said no.
They said good bye and then D5 turns to my friend and says "This is so difficult, they won't even talk to eachother"

I had to fight the tears back.

My kids often say things like this when their with me and W has no idea.
She thinks ther doing fine b/c they don't act like this when they are with her.

I have told her a few times the kids aren't doing has well as you think.

Refocusing on me and this mediator meeting to have a post-marriage agreemant drawn up.

She says that "if things don't work out" then the papers will be filed.

I have not seen an ounce of effort on her side to "work on things".

I guess we might as well file the papers once the agreement is determined and signed.

Any thoughts or encouraging words?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/10/10 06:47 PM

Thanks for the hugs luvless
Posted By: tryingtilDorR

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/10/10 06:48 PM

Try to look at the mediation as an 'opportunity' - if you can hammer out an agreement with her using a mediator then you will save a lot of money on legal fees (maybe a few thousand instead of 10s of thousands).

The alternative is that she decides to file on her own, hires her own lawyer, and then you would have to do the same.

You can get a fair deal from a mediator but I would advice consulting with your own attorney on the side to know what is fair/obtainable in court if you went that route.

The mediated agreement should be as close to that as you can get it.

At the end of the day, if you have to go through this process, a mediated settlement is preferrable to her going off on her own and filing if you get close to what you would have ended up anyway if you had gone to court.

In my case, the mediator worked up child support/alimony figures that assume that my W doubles her work schedule. If my W filed on her own she could easily get a temporary order that didn't assume this, even though a permanent settlement would. The way I look at it, if she leaves we will use the mediated amount which ends up being much less than I would pay her if she had gone off on her own and got temporary support that assumed she works the same amount she does now.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/10/10 07:44 PM

Trying-
Thanks for the heads up. I spoke to the mediator yesterday and she said to save money W and I should try to agree on as much as possible before we meet with her. That way if everything is in place, all she as to do is drew up the agreement.

I have a funny feeling W will in turn tell her to file it on the spot.

I will be in defense mode throughout it all.

I don't believe my W when she says "If things don't work out" then we can file.

I think she is planning this to move forward with D.

Nice and easy for her, having all her ducks in a row.

Is there anything else I should know about the mediator??
Posted By: tryingtilDorR

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/10/10 08:55 PM

The things that you typically should try to come to agreement with on your own are (from my own situation - yours might be different):

Child Support/Alimony - mediator will give you the initial numbers
Splitting assets - what will happen to your community property, like your home
Child Visitation/Custody schedule - what is the custody split (50/50, etc) and based upon that who gets kids when
What to file - you can do the agreement and then file everything together, or you can file for separation or divorce at the beginning, and then once you finish the final agreement with the mediator file that.

What I did with my W, who wanted to 'separate' but didn't really want to look at the big picture, was to force her to start workign on a final agreement so that she could see the reality of what things would look like in the end. All she wanted to focus on was separating and having me pay her to help her afford a place, but I told her I wouldn't do it until we started looking at the big picture and what things would be like if we ultimately divorce, since I viewed any separation arrangement as a temporary thing.

One issue we had was the assumption about how much she would be expected to work. We got an agreement on that only by working with the mediator. When it came to the rest of the story (how to split time with kids, what to do with the family home, etc) she paused and didn't really want to hammer any of that out yet, which tells me she doesn't have her mind made up about the final outcome.

You may learn a lot about your W's intentions once you get into the mediator.
Posted By: tryingtilDorR

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/10/10 08:57 PM

one other thing - since my W didn't really know what she wanted outside of having me pay her if she moves out, we 'wasted' a lot of time in mediation appointments establishing our goals/expectations of the mediation process. In the end, I have gotten what I wanted out of it so far but we could have gotten to this point with less time in front of the mediator but the tension level was high between us and we were just butting heads.

Things have calmed down now, however, and I am not sure what she is going to do.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/11/10 02:04 PM



You may learn a lot about your W's intentions once you get into the mediator.

This point is what I really need b/c I don't know exactly what W wants.
It seems to me if she was so sure about D and that's want she wanted, she would have done this long ago.

Is it wrong for me ask her to give me an anwser? There are only 3 possibilities:

1. Yes, I want to work on the marriage.
2. No, I want to proceed with D.
3. I'm not sure.

If she says I'm not sure, then I would it turn ask her to be specific about her uncertainties. What exactly are you unsure about?.

She has been so wishy washy about all her decisions.
Posted By: *KS*Chick*

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/12/10 03:33 PM

I don't know that I would recommend asking her that...might be seen as pursuing...
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/12/10 06:05 PM

KS
Thanks for checking in on me.

I had an IC meeting Wed. and he told me I should ask for a direct answer. I then Ihad a phone session w/ my DB coach Thursday and she told me NOT to ask that question.

I am so glad I waited. I don't want to push her further away.

My coach gave me good infomation and I will be putting that into affect immediately.

Yoga class was pretty cool. It is an awesome work out.
I am glad I went and I am looking forward to next week's class.

I am in a much better mind frame this week and truely understand what DBing is about and know how to work on my sitch.
Before I understood what it is all about but didn't know how to put it in action.

Even though we will be seeing a mediator that doesn't mean were through.

It is just another opportunity for me to show her my changes and maturity about the problems.

I can't wait to have my wife back in my arms.

I am seeing things in a new light and honestly believe things will work out.

Given the chance I will have a great M, better than any dreams we had before.

I will not take anything for granted and will truely be there for my W when she needs me.

We have met yet to discuss the division of asset and the such but I know how to show her I am able to handle this meeting with dignity and respect.

I post if anything new arises.

Thanks, Again for checking in on me.

Gr8!
Posted By: *KS*Chick*

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/12/10 06:30 PM

good update! Keep your chin up!
Posted By: jasper67

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/12/10 06:47 PM

Glad that you waited as well...

NEVER ask that question UNLESS you are READY to move on...

There will be no truthful answer based on facts- it will be emotions that dictate the answer...and the answer will be one coming from someone cornered, hurt, and afraid.

From the beginning of my sitch, myself and my family thought it's an easy task:

Do you want to work on the M?

Do you want a D?

It's only one or the other...

Now that I better understand WAS and the pain WAS is in- THERE ARE NO ANSWERS...and that needs to be OK w/ LBS...until it is no longer OK and you become the WAS
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/12/10 08:35 PM

I was reading a stich from last year and in were three phases the LBS goes through if they are to be success with SO.

1. pursueing
2. detaching
3. letting go- accepting either outcome

It was stated that if you can't get to phase 3 there would be no hope. And even if you get there it is still a small shot that the M will be reconciled.

I am now seeing the truth behind this statement.

I believe now I am slowly merging into the third phase.

It is challenging but necessary in order for the M to work.

The next 2 weeks will be big for me.
Hopefully it will be a turning point.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/12/10 08:45 PM

tryingtilDorR-

how is your agreement from the mediator?

Has your W threatened you with filing?
Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/12/10 08:52 PM


Quote:
3. letting go- accepting either outcome


Be prepared for either outcome as well. You can handle it.


Quote:
In a business book by James C. Collins called Good to Great, Collins writes about a conversation he had with Stockdale regarding his coping strategy during his period in the Vietnamese POW camp.[6]

"I never lost faith in the end of the story, I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade."[7]

When Collins asked who didn't make it out of Vietnam, Stockdale replied:

"Oh, that’s easy, the optimists. Oh, they were the ones who said, 'We're going to be out by Christmas.' And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they'd say, 'We're going to be out by Easter.' And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart."[7]

Stockdale then added:

"This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”[7]

Witnessing this philosophy of duality, Collins went on to describe it as the Stockdale Paradox.

Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/13/10 09:55 PM

Well stated coach.
I saw that you posted that statement on another stich and when I read it the first time I didn't fully grasp the meaning.

I understand now and I wish I got the point weeks ago.

Any more nuggets of wisdom?

I am preparing myself for the worst while I am improving myself for the best.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/17/10 01:54 PM

Dropped the kids off this morning and spoke to W about a few things the kids have been doing -fun stuff. I also informed her about sending them to their room for misbehaving.

I was strong, confident and upbeat swith my tone of voice.

She does tell me that her IC gave her a Parenting Counsler's number for us to discuss Co-Parenting. She just mentioned it but didn't say anything else about it.

I feel her IC is giving the typical therapy of making her feel better right now-and dwelling on the past.
I thought that when she decided to go to IC things would improve, but it seems like IC is putting thoughts in her head of moving on.

I'm not going to let that comment bring me down.
In the past I would have.
I have been working too hard in things to let a comment bring me down.

No meeting yet to discuss the Post-marital agreement, but I know it will come sooner or later. It took her 3.5 weeks just to send me the email with the info.

Any thoughts anyone?
Posted By: sandi2

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/17/10 10:49 PM

Hi, you asked if I would stop by. Was there anything particular? I was looking at your other threads. Man, you have bounced all over this board. Maybe it would be easier if you stayed in one place. Folks visit out of their neighborhood all the time.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/18/10 01:06 PM

Hi Sandi.
Thanks for stopping by.

I have been sticking to this tread for awhile now.

I was wondering what your thoughts are on the post-marital agreement.

Is this the beginning of the end?

I have come a long way since I first joined this board.
I have learned to let go and not let W's actions consume me.

Even though she wants to have this agreement in place, it has not discouraged me in my efforts.

Whats your POV?
Thanks
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/18/10 07:42 PM

I received an email from W regarding us meeting to tal kabout the agreement.

She added in her email stating she knows to house needs a new roof and she is willing to pay for half.

What's this all about???

I am not trying to read into it but it sounds weird for her to offer that wihthout keeping ties.

Anyone have thought about this??
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/19/10 07:27 PM

Has anyone experienced a post marital agreement?

Does this mean spouse is leaning towards D?

It seems to me that it is the first step in moving towards D.
Once the contract is in place, all she has to do is tell the mediator to file and it's done.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/20/10 12:29 PM

anyone?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/22/10 01:10 PM

^
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/23/10 01:26 PM

anyone have any thoughts??
Posted By: marriedCrazy

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/23/10 01:41 PM

Yes..I view a post marital agreement as a document that guides the eventual divorce.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/23/10 03:57 PM

W did say she thinks to have an agreement in place "In case things don't work out"

Why say something like this?

If she wanted to be divorced then it could be done right away.
Posted By: marriedCrazy

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/23/10 07:23 PM

I can't speak for what your W wants...but I considered asking my W for a post-nuptial agreement in order for her to come back into the M and our house. For me, I basically wanted insurance to guarantee what I would end up with in a D and it would be negotiated before she returned. That way I would get in a D; what I would have gotten as if I had filed right now. Plus, she would know exactly what was at stake if she didn't live up to her end of the bargain.

That doesn't mean that I wasn't open to reconciliation.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/24/10 01:25 PM

MC,

I know the agreement isn't the nails in the coffin.

My sitch is different b/c she is the one who left and is the one propsing we get the agreent in place.

I am getting to the point where this meeting is sonething I need too.

It will let me see how much homework she has done and what she thinks she's intitled to. My concern is the house and her intentions with what to do with it.

I don't know if she wants me to buy her out or sale it and split the money.

I don't want to buy her out and be strapped for the next 20 years. On the same hand I want my kids to have a home, no an apartment.

How did your W respond to the agreement?
Posted By: marriedCrazy

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/24/10 01:48 PM

I never proposed the agreement to my W because we never got that far in the reconciliation process. I view the agreement as a tool to be used in reconciliation. I'm not sure what your W intends for it.

You need to protect yourself legally and financially. Also protect your kids. That means you do whatever is necessary to keep the house and your kids in the house. If she wants the house, don't agree.

Look, she moved out on you guys. You HAVE the upper hand here. Use it if necessary.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/24/10 03:58 PM

I think she is using it to have everything in place so when she does file it won't be through the high expense of lawyers.

We still have to meet one on one to discuss the division of assets and the kids schedules.

I feel good about the changes I made for myself and I don't think this agreement is going to bother me too much.

It will give me a better understanding of her thoughts and I will be able to start planning my future accordingly.

Most likely I will be planning to move on by myself.
I'm not saying I don't care(I Do) but this whole experience has been very draining.

It seems the longer this goes on the less likely there will be recociliation.

I think it takes a lot of courage to leave your spouse and even more courage to go back.
The WAW may just let the changes slip through b/c they feel the have wronged the LBS.

They almost have to admit THEY were wrong. People and relationships can change.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/26/10 02:26 PM

W emailed me yesterday ttell me she is going away for a weekend soon and that her mom will be dropping the kids off at normal day and time.

She also asked if I was going on my annual fishing trip. If so she would take time off from work to watch the kids.

I thought that was nice of her but I was arranging plans to make it happen without her offering.

Also still no meeting planned to discuss the post-marital agreement.

What is she waiting for???
Posted By: *KS*Chick*

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/26/10 02:28 PM

nice that she offered....

where is your focus?

no expectations, and you can't live your life questioning everything she does....wondering why she does it.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/26/10 03:57 PM

KS
good to hear from you again.

My focus is on me! and my kids!

Loving life right now. I have a better grip on the anxiety thing. herbal teas, no caffeine and yoga class have been helping.

Although I think about my sitch everyday, it's not bothering me any more.

I am geeting comfortable in my skin.

I may have to sale the house and move, but I don't let that bother me anymore.
When one door closes another opens. cool
Posted By: *KS*Chick*

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/26/10 05:09 PM

true story - and remember to look for a window too wink
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/29/10 02:13 PM

I have finally noticed a baby step from W.
Along with the email stating she would take time off of work so I could take my annual fishing trip, she actully talk to me for more than 5 minutes when she dropped the kids off on Saturday.

I think she even made eye contact! She used to look at the floor when she spoke to me before.

dburt, I noticed your post on mza8 thread.
You said your W was going to IC to fix herself.

My W is seeing an IC but she(the IC) told her that since these actions( Our R) have going on for X amount of years, things wouldn't change.

I feel like she is getting bad advice from her IC. Yet anotherr challenge for me.

You wrote: One day she said, "I can really start to see you and I together in the future." That was the first time she saw us together in her mind in a really long time she said. Then, we started to go to MC (I was finally invited in, big deal at the time), then after a couple of months of that, I asked if we had an MC appointment, and she said, "nah, I cancelled it, we're good."

How long did this take for her to say this to you?
Did she say wnat changed her mind?

I am waiting patiently for her heart to soften.
Posted By: mza8

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/29/10 05:42 PM

Gr8, that is GOOD that your W talked to you on Sat. My W was the same, she would look down when talking to me. I have noticed she looks at me sometimes when we meet. My W and I went from no calls to where we have had 30 minute talks by phone recently. Our phone calls are about the house and other non R stuff, but we are very friendly. My W would be in a hurry to get off of the phone with me but not lately. As a matter of fact I am the one to end the calls now. Baby steps. Patience.

My W is also in IC. I have no idea what they talk about but I'm hoping my W is doing this to work on herself. I have also been concerned if my W's IC tells her that things won't change. I wouldn't be surprised if my W's IC has told her something similar because when my W left me she told me that people's personal core doesn't change. That definitely didn't sound like my W so I'm sure someone put that thought into her head. Any good C knows that people can and do change. I can't believe that any IC would say such things as your W's did that things wouldn't change. Man, there are some really bad C out there aren't there? My IC would never say anything like that. I'm hoping that my W will be strong enough to make her own decisions and not be influenced by any negative comments from anyone, IC, family, friends, etc. In my sitch, I don't think that any of her family or friends have any ill will towards me.

I would also be interested in hearing what Dburt has to say how long it took his W to say this to him and also what changed her mind. My guess is that every W is different and each has their own timeframe. I am also guessing that that what changed Dburt's W's mind was time and her finally feeling she was ready. Probably nothing specific as seems to be the case in other sitchs.

Gr8, you have some positive things happening for you. Again, baby steps is what we both are seeing. We both need to continue to be patient. At least what we are both doing seems not to be pushing our Ws further away. We must be doing something right. smile
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 03/31/10 02:06 PM

Just a little journaling this morning.

I dropped the kids off this morning at W place and she looked good for 7:30am. W works in a lab where they are not allowed to wear any make-up and for her to have on in the morning is unusual.(She gets home at 1:00am from second shift).

We briefly talked about the holiday and everything is worked out with the kids.

W tone of voice was upbeat too. She has been very somber when I drop the kids off.

Well, maybe she has notcied the efforts I am putting in and is becoming more friendly towrds me or maybe someone else is making her feel all warm inside. Tick tock, time will time.

Still no meeting in place to discuss the post-marital agreement. But I have noticed she always emails me on Thursdays for some reason. I tune in tomorrow.
As for me IC tonight, Yoga tomorrow night, then a fishing season opens Saturday! cool
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/05/10 02:11 PM

Not into the whole DBing this morning. I was up late last night thinkingabout moving on. Spent time looking online for a new home for myself and kids.
Starting to feel like a WAW in that I feel she will never change and I want more out of life than this. Maybe I'm little down today but somethings telling me that I should be looking to start a new life soon.

I guess this is how the whole ILYBINILWY feelings start.
Posted By: mza8

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/05/10 03:08 PM

Hey gr8, just checking in with you. You sound like I did for a bit yesterday. After reading several updates of others here, I think it was the Easter holiday that seemed to get some people down. I starting feeling sad for myself yesterday too but I would not allow myself to go there. So I got out and GAL.

Just sounds like you're having a bad day or two. It's normal. When I have those moments, I now tell myself to give myself a day or two if necessary to think and refocus. Seems to work well. The good thing for me now is that I can now recognize the signs of my depression and anxiety trying to creep back in. When that happens I can snap out of it pretty quick now. Tells me that I've come a long way. If I can do this then you can do it. Hang in there buddy, you're just having a bad day.

One of the things my DB coach told me early on was not to focus on the negatives and instead look for the positives. My DB coach said that we tend to only see the negative. She is right. I do see some positives. Yes, it's not moving at the pace that I would like but I have to be patient. At times it seems like my W does something the slightest bit positive but then does something which makes me feel like she is still in the fog. I think it's all part of the process my friend.

Gr8, you even said it yourself last week that you have seen some positive signs from your W. Remind yourself of those positive signs. Remember that things have to get friendly between the two of you before any work on the M can be started. I know you know all of this but sometimes it's helpful for us to be reminded of it. I'm here for you man. You and I will get through this together. We must have more patience with this process than anything we have ever faced in our lives.

I'll be posting my update in a bit. Trust me, I have thoughts lately of my M working or not but I remind myself that this is what I want and I'm not going to give up. Stay strong gr8!
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/05/10 03:10 PM

I guess the reason I'm not feeling up today is b/c in 2 weeks W is going away for a few days with her "single partying friends"

Part of me feels she needs to get away to unwind but the other half is telling me she is going to w!ore it up.

I think there will be a turning point after that weekend.



Greek, If you have any questions far me LMK. Here are some of my thoughts:

Another note, her family contacts me on Easter wishing me well.

It's going on 4 weeks since she said we will meet to discuss the PM agreement. Why is she dragging her feet on this?

I sometimes feel she is playing the field to see whats out there and knows she has me to fall back to.
Other times I think she is waiting to see if the changes I have made recently are going to stay.

Time to focus on the kids again.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/05/10 03:37 PM

Thanks for the pep talk mza8.

I do well for awhile but then I feel the need to talk to friends about the situation.
I am trying to get away from talking to friends about ALL the details.

I was looking for someone to tell me to keep at it. Patience.
My group of friends are there for me and want me to be happy.

someimes I don't know what I want to do.
I will stop by your way at lunch.
Posted By: Greek

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/05/10 03:44 PM

Quote:
My W has just given up on me b/c she thinks I can't change. I'm sure she tried to make things better over the past year if not more but I was inresponsive to her actions.

It really did take her saying she's leaving to wake me up and take action.

She asked me many of time " Why did it have to come to thjis for me to respond?"

I couldn't give her an answer before but now I realize my problems and can answer her.

Problem is she most likely doesn't care now.


How long have y'all been separated?

Quote:
I guess the reason I'm not feeling up today is b/c in 2 weeks W is going away for a few days with her "single partying friends"

Part of me feels she needs to get away to unwind but the other half is telling me she is going to w!ore it up.


But really...is that the kind of woman she is? That she would w!ore it up? Reign in that imagination. It's going to eat you alive if you don't.

More later.
Greek
Posted By: Ken62

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/05/10 04:13 PM

Hey gr8 and mza8,

Glad to see that I wasn't the only one not feeling it lately. I do think the Easter holiday had something to do with it. I went to the vigil for 3 hours and mass yesterday morning (in the choir) and both sermons really got me down. The first one talked about going through your old photo albums and the second one talked about sitting aroun your Easter table and telling stories of the past. Two things I did NOT need to think about. Then OM comes into town from 1000 miles away and it's my BD tomorrow. Could it GET any better? I've been following your sitches and mine is a little different but we all share that WAW thing. Check out my sitch if you get a chance and best of luck to both of you.
Posted By: DaddyLongShanks

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/05/10 04:17 PM

Ken62,

How did you know OM was coming into town?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/05/10 04:51 PM

Greek, Thanks so much for stopping by.

We have been separated since 11/1/2009. 8/21 bomb.

"But really...is that the kind of woman she is? That she would w!ore it up? Reign in that imagination. It's going to eat you alive if you don't."

She's not known to be like that but since she is going away with other women who are it is concerning to me.

They say something about the company you keep.

I don't know how folks on this site deal w/ cheaters.

I know I would never want my W back after she sleeps with someone else. That's just me.

My W and I had strong feelings about that and we both agreed there would be no reconciliation if one of us cheated.

Call me old fashion but this something we both agreed on long ago.

I do believe we are still married and if she cheats that will give me reason to file myself and no be so nice in the process.

These are my values and I can't compromise on infidelity.
Posted By: Ken62

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/05/10 05:04 PM

Originally Posted By: DaddyLongShanks
Ken62,

How did you know OM was coming into town?


Sorry to hijack but I wanted to answer this question.

W told both D19 and S23 and they told me. They do NOT approve of what Mom is doing and they let me know things. It's as if she wants them to meet him and approve and I think she was just giddy like a teenager that her BF was coming to see her and it had been two months since they last saw each other and it was going to be a whole two more months before they would see each other again. blah, blah, blah, teenage crap!
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/05/10 05:08 PM

more self journaling.

W called the house Easter morning to talk to kids. S2 and I were cooking in the kitchen. D5 gave phone to S2 and when he was done speaking he says "Here's Daddy"

I wasn't expexting her to be on the phone. I said hello and she said hello back. I wished her a happy Easter and told her that S2 and I were cooking. she said thats's what he told her.
I said goodbye and I see you midweek to drop the kids off.

15 minutes later I was thinking about inviting her to Mass with us. I asked the kids if they wanted me to ask mommy to join us for mass and they said "No, not really". I asked if they were sure and they said yes.
So I don't ask her.
Posted By: mza8

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/05/10 05:44 PM

gr8, maybe you were asking your children if they wanted her to go to mass as a way for you to ask her? I'm glad your kids said no. Don't ask W for things like that...it's pursuing. Trust me, there are times that I look for reasons to contact my W. When I have those thoughts, I stop myself and make sure not to contact her. Just be aware of your reasons for contacting W. If it's unneccessary then don't do it right now. Tough to do I know.

Did your W wish you a happy Easter in return? It was a good sign that she was still on the phone. You said yourself that you weren't expecting it. Look for the small signs gr8, sometimes they are right in front of our face. Perhaps she felt comfortable enough to remain on the phone. You did good not pressuring her for anything. The more interactions you can have like that, the more comfortable and relaxed your W will become. I've seen it in my own sitch.

Something I will share with you. For the past few days I have been asking God for signs that my M has hope. I see small signs but I asked God to give me something more substantial. During the homily at church yesterday, it hit me that who am I to question the methods that God speaks to me? It was so weird because just after I had this thought, the rest of the homily talked about the very same thing. That we cannot dictate the signs that we are given. I couldn't believe it. I'm not pushing religion but the message is the same. We look for signs that WE want to see from our WAS. We want to see substantial signs from them. It doesn't work that way. We have to accept the signs that we are given. Even though the signs might be very small (like your W still being on the phone for you yesterday) they are there. Hope this helps you.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/06/10 06:07 PM

mza8,
I agree with you about it being pusuing. Thats why I didn't ask her.
She did wish me a Happy easter in return.

W called last night to talk to the kids. I was in the kitchen cleaning up from dinner and heard my D5 say to W: "Mommy, daddy wants to talk to you". As D5 is walking in the kitchen she say " Daddy, Mommy want to talk to you.
This is the second time she pulled this.

I get on the phone and say hello and W says "That D5 is using her ploy again". I said "I know she so funny, we'll see you Wednesday". and said goodbye.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/06/10 06:12 PM

Greek-

My W has not yet talked about meeting to discuss the post marital agreement. It has been three weeks since she said she would let me know when would meet.

Why is she taking her time with something like this??

Also how have Coach's family accepted you back in the family?


I remained in good standings with her family but I wqasn't the one to leave. My family will have a harder time embracing her again.
Thanks
Posted By: Greek

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/06/10 07:00 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
Greek-

My W has not yet talked about meeting to discuss the post marital agreement. It has been three weeks since she said she would let me know when would meet.

Why is she taking her time with something like this??


Everything I did, I did b/c I felt sure of the move. The things I didn't do were indications of doubt. As an example, I didn't take very long to get out of the house once I was sure being there was not what I wanted. So I moved. However, further along in the process, there were appointments that needed to be made - mediators for example - that I dragged my feet on. In fact - I NEVER made that appt! And I didn't b/c I was having second thoughts.

So it may be that she is stalling b/c she is not sure of herself and her decisions at this point in the process.

Quote:
Also how have Coach's family accepted you back in the family?

I remained in good standings with her family but I wqasn't the one to leave. My family will have a harder time embracing her again.
Thanks


Sadly, Coach's family has not accepted me in 22 years - and that was an issue that came out explosively when I left then came back. I don't know what his family thought about me leaving - his mother might have raised a glass or two wink However to your question, since his family never did consider me one of their own to begin with, there was no change either way when we reconciled. Both of my parents consider Coach their son and they have been very happy, relieved and warm with him since our reconciliation. I don't know if Coach has felt awkward - I don't know why he would since he wasn't the one who left - but all seems as loving as ever with him and my family.

I think the key is for others - our families - not to judge. The guest never knows as much as the host. We only show the world a bit of what our M are like - so one never knows. And judging is never a good idea. That's the advice I would give your family. Life gets messy sometimes - judge not lest ye be judged smile

Greek
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/06/10 07:35 PM

Thanks for the reply Greek.
I was thinking this whole ordeal could have been over and done with by now if she was so sure she wanted a D.
I do believe she felt the same way you did about leaving.
She just knew she had to get out from the R.

My follow up Q for you is then-

Once you decided to work on your R, what were your first actions?

Did you make the first move? If so what was it?

I don't know if you read my whole SIT but she did offer to take time off of work to watch the kids so I could go on my annaul fishing trip. I took this as a sign of friendship.
Why else would you offer such a thing?

I am trying not to get my hopes up. Just accepting it as a kind jesture.
keep in touch. thanks gr8
Posted By: Greek

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/06/10 07:48 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

My follow up Q for you is then-

Once you decided to work on your R, what were your first actions?

Did you make the first move? If so what was it?



If I remember correctly, my first communication to Coach about reconciling was a text message that read "I miss us." And not long after that, something like "What will it take to put this back together." He, of course, did not answer me - ha! He only wrote back that we could talk about it, that he would be in touch about that. Total DB move - haha!

So I would say yes, I did make the first OVERT move - but he had been working the whole time to attract me, which was a whole move in itself.

Greek
Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/06/10 08:21 PM

Quote:
If I remember correctly, my first communication to Coach about reconciling was a text message that read "I miss us." And not long after that, something like "What will it take to put this back together." He, of course, did not answer me - ha! He only wrote back that we could talk about it, that he would be in touch about that. Total DB move - haha!



You said you would do the work. One of the best days of my life.

Quote:
So I would say yes, I did make the first OVERT move - but he had been working the whole time to attract me, which was a whole move in itself


It was a goal to get Greek to make the first move. I 180d what I wanted. Patience, wisdom, a open mind, detachment,and learn the moves. You can handle it.

cheers
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/07/10 01:26 PM

Good stuff G and C.

I am keeping my PMA going.

I dropped the kids off this morning and although our interaction was short, she had an upbeat tone in her voice.

Two weeks in a row she has been pleaseant and looking good in the morning. She sooo not a morning person.

I feel this nice weather we are having is doing something to her too.

more later.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/07/10 04:23 PM

Heard this tune today and made me think.

I got the call today, I didn't wanna hear
But I knew that it would come
An old true friend of ours was talkin' on the phone
She said you found someone
And I thought of all the bad luck,
And the struggles we went through
And how I lost me and you lost you
What are these voices outside love's open door
Make us throw off our contentment
And beg for something more?

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you sometimes
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I knew, I'm learning again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

These times are so uncertain
There's a yearning undefined
...People filled with rage
We all need a little tenderness
How can love survive in such a graceless age
The trust and self-assurance that can lead to happiness
They're the very things we kill, I guess
Pride and competition cannot fill these empty arms
And the work I put between us,
Doesn't keep me warm

I'm learning to live without you now
But I miss you, Baby
The more I know, the less I understand
All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again
I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But everything changes
And my friends seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

There are people in your life who've come and gone
They let you down and hurt your pride
Better put it all behind you; life goes on
You keep carrin' that anger, it'll eat you inside

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
But my will gets weak
And my thoughts seem to scatter
But I think it's about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore

I've been tryin' to get down to the Heart of the Matter
Because the flesh will get weak
And the ashes will scatter
So I'm thinkin' about forgiveness
Forgiveness
Even if, even if you don't love me anymore
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/07/10 10:56 PM

Gr8 day

I am pretty new to this board and to your sitch. I wanted to offer you a couple of pieces of input. These are from my perspective only, and you and anyone else on here are free to disagree.

It is fine for you to feel anger at times, that is perfectly normal. However, I would not recommend you show any anger or frustration toward your wife. If you feel angry...log onto this board and let it rip.

I believe your wife is having doubts. I think there may be more that you can do, but cautiously. For instance, if your wife asks you about your C sessions, tell her about them. You don't have to go into great detail, but if she asks about them...she may care. If she doesn't ask about them, that's called indifference, and you don't want to be there!

Part of loving her is trusting her. It doesn't appear in your posts that she has done anything to violate your trust. So trust her until proven otherwise.

I maybe should have included this up where I talked about anger, but do not be adversarial or confrontational with your wife. If she is the WAW, her emotions are right on edge anyway. You need her to have time to REDUCE her anger and frustration toward you, so I would not be confrontational or demanding with her.

Do not demand answers because you think you need an answer on something now. The truth is....you don't. You need to make time your friend when dealing with your wife's emotions.

Here's the final thing I've got for you right now. Think of every decision you make through the eyes of your wife. Think about how she would FEEL about it. You can LOVE your wife back into your relationship.

She FEELS like SHE is the one who has been hurt (thus the term WAW). So around her, you've got to let your feelings of hurt go for now.

In regard to how she feels, be compassionate TOWARD her. Love her. Protect her.

Just my 2 cents as I continue to learn things to save my own M.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/08/10 03:11 PM

GM,
Thanks for taking the time to read my sitch.
Although at times I do get angry, I never unleash it around W.
I do come here to vent. I feel I am far enough in this process to let my emotions get the best of me when dealing with W.

I do or at least did trust her completely but since she is not in the right frame of mind I am concerned about her going away for 4 days with her divorced friends. They will not encourage her to "behave".
[quote=Glimmerman]
Part of loving her is trusting her. It doesn't appear in your posts that she has done anything to violate your trust. So trust her until proven otherwise.quote]

I will know more about our R after she returns from her getaway.

If she decides to hook up with someone than I will decide to move on completely.

As stated before we both hold this value. I know I have been faithful and will remain faithful until it's time for my not to be.
But at that point I will absolutely know I'm done.


My W hasn't asked me about C in over 2 months. If fact she hasn't asked me anything that pertains to me.
Doesn't bother me at all. I am confident in myself and my changes.
I know I am a great Dad to my kids and an all around nice person with plenty to offer.

I'll know more soon.
Posted By: DaddyLongShanks

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/08/10 03:15 PM

gr8,

Being around the D friends does not help one bit. Its pretty obvious that they will offer solutions to her problems while she is with them. Its not going to be in your favour.

What you can do if you have not, is to get into church. If you are in church, see if you can get the wife to participating in activities with other married couples.

You need peer pressure to be coming from other happily married women.
Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/08/10 03:30 PM

Originally Posted By: DaddyLongShanks
gr8,

Being around the D friends does not help one bit. Its pretty obvious that they will offer solutions to her problems while she is with them. Its not going to be in your favour.

What you can do if you have not, is to get into church. If you are in church, see if you can get the wife to participating in activities with other married couples.

You need peer pressure to be coming from other happily married women.


sickBLEECH!!!

Focus on what you can control - yourself. Set healthy boundaries, think thru your plan, act with confidence and handle it the way a strong man would.
Posted By: DaddyLongShanks

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/08/10 03:37 PM

Coach,

Her peer groups are never going to help him out. I believe in the 180 and the steps on DB wholeheartedly.

I believe however that there are elements you can introduce to your situation to help it be more in your favour.

As long as his wife is running to these divorced friends, he really has literally zero hope except taking care of himself. The purpose of the DB site was to provide hope and solution for those who may be headed directly for a divorce.

We all agree on DB, that yes you have to take care of yourself - but there are some other things that you can do, which help your esteem and let you feel less "powerless". One of them was an effective "affair bursting".

He has to take care of himself whether he waits on a reconciliation, or if he leaves. However, moving to a "Christian" oriented frame, where you may make new friends who are a friend of marriage, can only help you. Or to simply expose that the W hates the institution of marriage.

What better closure than that? What more could you have done?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/08/10 03:53 PM

DLS and Coach,

I know I have no control over who she is friends with or the fact of what she is going to do while away.
I accept that fact.

I found out today that her "friend" already tried to hook her up with someone so I am not happy that W is going away for 4 days with this person.

W did say that she was not ready to do that. But this was a few months age.
Maybe this time she IS ready.

That is her choice and I will respond accordingly when I find out more.

In the mean time she still has not contacted me yet to met to discuss the post marital agreement. (3 weeks now)

She has taken her time with everything thus far so.

Any advice on handling this?

Should I email her and tell her I am ready to meet so we could get this agreement in place?

Or should I continue being patience and let her handle when we meet?

Pros and Cons in My mind:

Pro- She she me taking the intiative to meet. I am showing her I am OK with her decision and I am handling it in a mature way.

Con- I am pressuring her to meet so I'm showing her That I am ready to move on w/o her.

UMM
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/08/10 06:54 PM

From my perspective only....

Patience is good. Pressure is not good.

In my experience, the W taking their time is not necessarily a bad thing. It's when they are in a hurry that they are acting more on negative emotion.

When you say you are not happy that your wife is going away for 4 days with this person, in a way you are setting yourself up to have a confrontation with her when she returns.

I agree with Coach. Focus on what you can control.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/08/10 07:35 PM

Quote:
Patience is good. Pressure is not good.

So your telling me not to contact her to set up the agreement, right?

I have been extremely patience so far and many close to me have said thing same thing.

Maybe I'm having one of those days but since I have gotten my act together there are a alot of women noticing me and I have doubts about reconciling myself.

I do feel more confident and it shows.

I have gone out a few times and had plenty of opprotunities to meet someone else. I have choosen not to act on those feelings right now but it is getting harder and harder.


I will sit tight for now. What's another 2 weeks gonna hurt.

I thought she would have emailed my now to meet, she goes away next weekend.
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/08/10 09:50 PM

Most of the advice I see on here is to the the WAS initiate legal stuff for the most part....kind of the put it in their hands approach.

My perspective is that you can never go wrong with patience. I know you believe you have been extremely patient. You may not the answer to this, but think about how your wife views your patience.

She is the one who has asked you at times "What has changed?".

The only other thing that I'll offer is to consider always being cooperative with your wife. Sort of a "drop the rope" in the tug of war if you will.

That thought comes to me from things like your roof. I would encourage you to have those discussions with your wife. I would feel free to talk about something that SHE initiates. If you ask her how she thinks and feels about stuff when she initiates a conversation, you never know what it might lead to.

Again, you may be a lot like me and say to yourself "I've done that". My C's wisdom to me was every time I say to myself "I've done that", to consider it through the lens of how my wife might think of that statement.

Again, just my thoughts....
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/08/10 10:18 PM

Quote:
Again, you may be a lot like me and say to yourself "I've done that". My C's wisdom to me was every time I say to myself "I've done that", to consider it through the lens of how my wife might think of that statement.


gman,
my db coach did offer me that advice too. She told me to imagine what life was living with me.

I can respect that perspective.

I know were not suppose to put a time limit on the situation but I feel if I don't see changes from her with in a years time, I will be the one to move on.

I have 6 months left. That;s just me, others might say different but I have my goals and values and if they aren't being met I need to move to plan B.

I keep you updated.
Thanks gr8
Posted By: idontunderstand

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/08/10 10:35 PM

gr8

Patience is a beoch, ain't it!?

I'm having a bad day and I know to expect them. It will get better!

I don't see anything wrong with a time limit. You can only keep it up for so long. She will come around or she won't. As long as you're good with the amount of time you have set for yourself, you have a time frame to fit your goals into.

Good luck!
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/09/10 10:17 AM

Quote:
She will come around or she won't.


These are the only choices and I know if she comes around it won't happen overnight. I we continue to search for little signs showing my she cares. If I don't see anything within the next six months I need to move on for me.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/09/10 01:36 PM

Just thinking out loud.

If we LBS keep GAL and 180ing and we are not seeing results we want to see, when is it time to try something different?

When do we stop going down those cheeseless tunnels?

Does it come to a point where we should just lay it on the line like they should have done and give them the speech:

"I am not happy with our current relationship and if things don't change I will not be apart of it."

Don't we deserve better than this too?

Any and all comments welcome.
Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/09/10 01:56 PM

Quote:
I don't see anything wrong with a time limit.


Time limits are artificial. You will know when you are done.

This helped me.

Quote:
In a business book by James C. Collins called Good to Great, Collins writes about a conversation he had with Stockdale regarding his coping strategy during his period in the Vietnamese POW camp.[6]

"I never lost faith in the end of the story, I never doubted not only that I would get out, but also that I would prevail in the end and turn the experience into the defining event of my life, which, in retrospect, I would not trade."[7]

When Collins asked who didn't make it out of Vietnam, Stockdale replied:

"Oh, that’s easy, the optimists. Oh, they were the ones who said, 'We're going to be out by Christmas.' And Christmas would come, and Christmas would go. Then they'd say, 'We're going to be out by Easter.' And Easter would come, and Easter would go. And then Thanksgiving, and then it would be Christmas again. And they died of a broken heart."[7]

Stockdale then added:

"This is a very important lesson. You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.”[7]

Witnessing this philosophy of duality, Collins went on to describe it as the Stockdale Paradox.

Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/09/10 02:45 PM

Coach,

thanks for the smelling salts. I needed a wake.
You post that three weeks ago and I was so motivated for a week or two.
I need to reread my journal sometimes to remind me how far I've come.

I hope you see this before this evening:

I have an event tonight and found out that my W friend is going to be there too. She is the one W is going away with on vacation.

I will have a good time even though she is there. I will have my guard up if she approaches me but will remain friendly even though she is totally obnoxious.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/10/10 12:40 PM

Wennt to the event last night and noticed Ws friend noticed I was there. Once she saw me I noticed she was whispering to the guy she was with. I guess that was her flavor for the week. a
Anyway, I saw some old friends(women)and they all said I looked great.
Im not sure what to do now.

Do I set boundsries before my W goes away with her friend who id a bad influence?
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/10/10 02:24 PM

Don't let other people have that kind of effect on you. You are tearing yourself up worrying about something you think you wife "might do".
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/10/10 04:58 PM

GM, I know it's tearing me up and I have no control over it.

And I would like to think she would at least wait for the papers to be filed before she does anything like that.

She can't even let me know when we are going to meet to discuss the division of assets. She has taken her time on everything thus far so why should this be any different.

I'm getting the kids in a few hours so my mind will take a break from all this thinking.

I will not do her dirty work for her.
Posted By: james217

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/10/10 06:23 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
Just thinking out loud.

If we LBS keep GAL and 180ing and we are not seeing results we want to see, when is it time to try something different?

When do we stop going down those cheeseless tunnels?

Does it come to a point where we should just lay it on the line like they should have done and give them the speech:

"I am not happy with our current relationship and if things don't change I will not be apart of it."

Don't we deserve better than this too?

Any and all comments welcome.


only you can decide when you're done. But I odn't think you are or you wouldn't be here. You would have given up already.

read 1st corinthians 13. smile

gluck gr8. keep the faith and stay strong
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/11/10 11:43 PM

More journaling.

I had a rough past few days and didn't sleep much b/c mind was thinking. Talk to a good friend today and a relative and both told me to stay focused on what I want. Also both told me not to worry about W trip with girlfriend.

I know my W need a vacation, it's been a year and a half since she did something. I hope this trip will me her feel better.

When W dropped the kids off Saturday I need to check out a problem with her car. It took about 10 minutes and I was checking her out. She looked great and I told her that. She said thanks but it was a liitle quiet sad thanks not an OH thanks !.

Anyway I took the kids out for dinner and on the way I told D5 that mommy really looked good and told her that I was thinking about asking her out on a date.
Well today my S2 wanted to to W so I called and when my D5 got on the phone she said to W that I wanted to ask her out on a date. W asked for her to put me on the phone and confronted me on the matter.
W said that it was fair for me to say something like that. I apologized and told W I was just thinking out load.
I said I would talk to D5 and set her straight. I then said for have a good day and she said the same.

I hope I didn't lose ground by this. Time will tell.

She did really look good!
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/12/10 12:51 AM

I need to stay focus on things right now.
I need to have faith in my W to make to right decisions. I will continue to DB.

Greek if you still stop by, while Coach was DBing did you have doubts that the changes he made would lasting?

This process is certainly a marathon. Eight months into it and I still feel like I'm in limbo.
Why would she be waiting soooo long to decide on things.

It has been a month since she mentioned we need to get together to discuss ou post marital agreement.

Do I say something about this or wait for her to make to first move?

If it's going to happen I want it to happen but if she is still uncertain not bringing it up may be a good thing for me.

Insights welcome.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/12/10 05:35 PM

Feeling pretty good today. Woke up at 5am said a litte prayer then worked out and did yoga. I Need to take care of some finencial items this week to protect myself in case thinhgs don't work out.

I am starting to look around for new home so I can get a fresh start. A few friends thought that was a good idea.

I don't want to be blind sided by anything any more so I am preparing myself for the worst.

I will continue to DBing and have faith in my W.


What's the longest time someone DBed and things turned out good??

know we can't put time frmae on things but it seems to me if there was reconciliation it would happen within a year's time.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/14/10 05:51 PM

I moved my thread to VETERANS VIEWS ON WAS
time for action.
Posted By: MrBond

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/14/10 06:50 PM

You should leave your thread here since it's your own. The other thread is for general opinions.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/15/10 03:46 PM

To all that checked out the new thread, thanks i think it helped a few folks here.

I will continue to post my journal here per mrbond's suggestion.


Today I feel the same as yesterday, still focused on confronting W on her lack of motivation to meet to discuss post nupt.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/16/10 03:35 PM

Doing some more thinking today about W trip with GF.

I am trying not to but I have a bad feeling about who she is going with.

Anyway mza8 pointed out that I finally show one or two positves from W.
The first was her offering to take the kids while I go on my annual trip. But now I am thinking maybe she did this b/c she needs/wants something in return.

Secondly I noticed the past few times she has looked good when I drop the kids off. I converse with her and give her updates about kids. When she drops off the kids she does talk to me about them. It's just a drop off and she says to the kids - give me hugs and I'll see you later. There is nothing towards me.

Also since she works second shift she likes to call at break time to wish the kis goodnight. Every time my D5 is done talking she asks "Mommy, do you want to speak to daddy"? and each time the answer is no.

So you can see hear we don't have much interaction and it is frustrating.

If so is so set on getting D then why doesn't she bring up the post nupt we are suppose to talk about? It's been over a month now.

Any insights on this?
Posted By: timehealsall

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/16/10 03:40 PM

Give her space...How are YOU when you see her or talk to her?

Are you upbeat? positive? or are you sad and gloomy?

Be patient..
Posted By: timehealsall

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/16/10 03:40 PM

oh and the reason why she hasn't done anything about the papers yet may be because she isn't ready yet.

she may be waiting it out and is undecided...

Don't ask or press the issue..
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/16/10 03:47 PM

tha,
I am upbate with her and I also have been telling her she looks great!. She says thanks but it isn't a happy thanks.
I started complimenting her b/c I didn't to a good job at this before.

I have been patient 8 mnths now and still at it but I feel our situation isn't getting anywhere either good or bad.

I week ago I was saying to myself I don't what to pressure her, but now I feel I need to let her know I am unhappy in the situation and something needs to change. I want a happy life either with you or with someone else.

I have a phone session tomorrow and will ask her for advice too.

Is there anything else I could be doing to win her back?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/16/10 03:50 PM

another thought, do I tell her I think we need to communicate better?
Posted By: timehealsall

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/16/10 03:52 PM

Her head is in another place right now. You are in limbo my friend.

Welcome to LimboLand!

I have been at it for as long as you.

Ultimately you have to decide what you want to do.

You obviously want to be with her and you want this M.. but she is not there.. no one knows if she will be.

Keep getting advice and keep working on you.. that's what I'm doing. I want my M but at the same time, I don't want to be miserable and unhappy.. so instead, I'm giving myself the gift of time to work out MY issues and to make myself stronger and happy and to focus on ME, because if H doesn't come around and we do go ahead with a D, I need to be ready for that and part of me isn't ready to push for that just yet. Does that make sense?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/16/10 04:14 PM

This does make sense and after reading Britts success story it really made me think about turning points. I have been GAL and working on my self and which I feel I have been doing a good job.

I feel good about my changes and want to share them when W, or some other women. If she decides to move forward with D then I am OK with it. It will determine which way I go in life.

I am at the point where I need to know something, anything about the R or my W's feelings?

I am not going to sit around while she goes out and parties it up with her new find friends.

Do I wait for her to contact me about the post nupt agreement that she stated we need or do I contact her to show her I'm OK with it and think it's a good idea?
I have been weighing the pros/cons.
Posted By: mza8

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/16/10 04:56 PM

Hi Gr8,

Just wanted to check in and offer my thoughts. Let me ask you a question. Do you think that your W leaving for this trip and your wanting to "move on" are related? It's just my observation but you seemd to be willing to remain patient a couple of weeks ago when you were seeing some positive signs from your W. Now, all of a sudden, you are tired of waiting for what you want to see from her and now you want to move on. I think you are so worried about your W's trip that you think you need to take action. Just be sure to ask yourself what you truly want here.

I agree with timehealsall. I also think you still want to save your M. My other observation is that YOU are saying what YOU want. YOU want more communication, YOU want better interaction, YOU want her to talk to you when she calls to wish the kids goodnight. You've been doing great lately being patient and looking at things through your W's eyes and what SHE wants right now.

It is up to you what you want to do and when you feel you want to move in another direction. I would suggest that you give yourself a couple of days to let the emotions go and really think about what you want. If it's your M, and I believe that it is, then get back on track and continue to be upbeat with your W, GAL, stop dwelling on every little interaction and what it means. You are driving yourself crazy going back and analyzing if your W's recent positive signs are true or not. The fact is you don't know for sure, but she doesn't have to be positive, she could be negative every time she interacts with you. By her being positive, she is choosing this behavior, she is choosing to be nice and positive.

In regards to wondering why she hasn't brought up the post nuptial agreement, I would offer you reread what Greek posted to you earlier.

posted by Greek

"Everything I did, I did b/c I felt sure of the move. The things I didn't do were indications of doubt. As an example, I didn't take very long to get out of the house once I was sure being there was not what I wanted. So I moved. However, further along in the process, there were appointments that needed to be made - mediators for example - that I dragged my feet on. In fact - I NEVER made that appt! And I didn't b/c I was having second thoughts.

So it may be that she is stalling b/c she is not sure of herself and her decisions at this point in the process."

There you go Gr8, straight from someone who was where your W is now. I agree with Greek that I don't think your W is 100% sure what she wants right now. Why would you push her in that direction when it's clearly not what you want? Patience man, patience. I know is sucks to continue on the patience route but keep plugging away.

In my last update I wrote how my W cried when we listed our house for sale. After my W left, my agent told me a lot of positive things that my W has been saying about me. She told me that me that when my W talked to her over a month ago, that my W couldn't say 3 words without bursting into tears. The agent told me that for the past couple of weeks my W has been singing my praises about how I am doing a good job on the house, etc. Here's the best part, the agent told me that my W said that W and I are "coming along now" and "are getting in a better place". Coincidentally the agent is also in a separation and a few years older than my W. We talked for over an hour and she told me that what I'm doing is definitely having a positive affect on my W. She said that her recent conversations with my W give her every reason to believe this will work out.

Gr8, I guess the point I am trying to make is this really does take every bit of patience and self control that we can muster. WE don't know what's going on in our W's mind. I knew things have gotten better with my W but I had no idea that she also feels things are getting better until this agent told me. Right now our W's aren't there yet with giving us this info but that doesn't mean they're not thinking it. Look at Glimmerman's sitch. His W recently told him that she is willing to work on their M but needs to see more consistency from him. His W also wanted out but now she is starting to come around. Glimmerman has achieved this by being patient, giving his W space, not making this about him and what he wants but instead seeing things through his W's eyes before he does something in the M now.

Be sure what you want, ask yourself quesitons to make sure of your reasons for doing things, and look in the mirror to see if what you're doing is for your W or for YOU.

You have my support my friend!
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/16/10 05:51 PM

mza,
Thanks for the insightful, detailed oriented post.

Over the past week my W's trip has been on my mind and causing me to think the worst. On top of that I see Britt's post on success and though I am happy to see things work out for her, I get frustrated b/c we have been at this much longer than some folks here and they are the ones reconciling.

It's like when your fishing for hours upon hours and don't get a bite, then some kids comes up casts right next to you and pulls in a fish.

I want nothing more then to be with my W.

Thank you for reminding me about greeks post, it doe seem to fit my situation right now in the process. When W knew she needed to move out she did so. Now when she thinks she needs to have an agreement in place she's not so sure about that.

Two days ago I was sure Iwas going to say something about the agreement to my W, but now I'm not too sure if that would be the best thing AT THIS TIME.

That's why I started the new post for the Veterans about the turning point. It's does seem that when the LBS finally says to the WAS that they are ready to move on that's when things start to change.

I just feel that my current sitch isn't moveing either way.

I will take a few days to calm my emotions and make a rational decision when the time comes.
Tomorrows phone session can't get here fast enough.

Thanks again for the post it inspired me today to remain patience.

Sometimes all we need is a nice post from a fellow DBer.

TTYS
Posted By: Ken62

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/16/10 06:17 PM

Hey gr8,

Just wanted to say that I agree to NOT bring up the agreement with your W. I believe in what Greek had to say.

I also wanted to thank you for starting the new thread because I did choose to do just that because I was tired of being treated likea "gay boyfriend" by my W while she is having her EA turned PA before the D is final. Haven't heard anything from her since sending the text and don't know if I will and thatis fine because I believe that she is seriously messed up and does not see that she is doing anything wrong.

I know you love your W and that it is hard to be patient but if there is no A then I think you at least have a better chance than I do at this point. I'm moving on because I deserve better and I believe my kids think that I deserve better and I'm going to start living for me. If W came around I don't know what I would do at that point but I would definitely come to this board and ask for advice instead of doing anything stupid, so my advice to you is to keep coming here when things get tough. Journal here, vent here and I wish you the best of luck.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/16/10 06:40 PM

Thanks for the post ken.

I will continue to remain patience and not bring up the agreement.
When and if she is ready it will happen. I won't give her a reason to rush into something like that.

However if she gets natsy towards me and says negative things to me I will express my feelings about the whole matter.

I am sorry things are no looking good for you. continue to post and help others here. I do plan to stay around here for better or worse and provide what I have learned to newbies.

I have a hunch there will we an endless supply of them.
Posted By: timehealsall

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/16/10 06:47 PM

Another thing,

you NEED this time to better yourself.. to get strong for what's to come.. Whether it be R with your W (where you'll need to stick to and continue DBing and not backslide too badly) or if your wife comes back and does take the initiative to get a D.. either way, there's a long road ahead that you'll need to be of sound mind for.

Patience is a b1tch, ain't it?

Hang in there..
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/16/10 07:05 PM

Quote:
you NEED this time to better yourself.. to get strong for what's to come..


I thought I was there last week in that I am ready to accept either outcome.

I thought 8 months was plenty of time for me to fix myself.

I want the M to work but understand if I'm not given the chance.

Either way the things I learned here will provide me success in my next R- with or w/o W.


Patience- I need to stop by the hospital on my way home and get some more.
Posted By: timehealsall

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/16/10 07:10 PM

You can't put a time limit on these type of things. Some take weeks or months or years...

obviously, any backslides along the way, prolongs the process.

You're obviously not fixed because you are still worrying about what the W is doing and what she is thinking.

You need to put that energy into yourself.

Worry about you. I know it's not easy.. but just try!
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/16/10 07:34 PM

Quote:
Worry about you. I know it's not easy.. but just try


I think I'm worrying about me too much.

Being in limbo I want to know what's going to happen to me and my kids.
This meeting would at least give me some indication of what to expect. Good or Bad.

Do I sell the house or not? is my biggest concern.

Thanks, for the view points.
Posted By: mza8

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/16/10 08:14 PM

Gr8, glad I could offer you some support today. Anytime my friend, anytime.

Take this on day at a time. Try not to get caught up in, "if your W does this, then you'll do that" sort of thinking. You won't really know how you will react to whatever signs she gives you until it happens, so give yourself a break and take that pressure off of yourself.

As far as the house goes, yeah I can empathize with you there. Look back at the last two weeks of my thread to see how much I deliberated over the same issue. For me, I came to realize the burden and stress the house was putting on my W. I realized that the house was standing in the way of any real progress with my W and I. So I decided that no house or any other material item is worth it to me to stand in the way of taking the stress off of my W and hopefully helping our M. The house is now for sale. Don't know if we will really sell it or move back in it together if it doesn't sell and if in the meantime my W and I get back together. Who knows, but what I do know is that I SHOWED my W through my ACTIONS that I wanted to do the right thing and what's best for HER. As you can see from my post in my thread, my W burst into tears when we signed the listing agreement with the agent. I know she really doesn't want to sell the house and maybe we won't, however, she needs to be the one to tell me if she would want to keep it.

It's a tough decision, I know, and one that takes time. Do what's best in your sitch. I will tell you that since I agreed to sell our house, my W is really starting to show signs of getting closer to me.

I'm glad to hear you are not going to bring up the post nuptial agreement. I think that's a wise move. Good to hear you're going to remain patient. If you stop by the hospital and pick-up some more patience, can you get me some more too? One can never have enough.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/17/10 11:10 PM

Posting some quotes on perseverance I like these two:

1. Never Giving Up Quote from an Unknown Author:


"Never give up on something that you can't go a day without thinking about."

^^^^^^^^^^Man o man this one really hits home.

2. Dale Carnegie Never Quitting Quote:

"Most of the important things in the world have been accomplished by people who have kept on trying when there seemed to be no hope at all."


Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/19/10 02:08 PM

Although I have decided to be patience with the process, I did email W about some financial things that needed to be addressed. I curently pay the car and life insurance and I told her that this is due. I asked for a check for her half and offered her an option to remove herself from the policy and get her own.

Why should I be paying for her things? I also been been payig the mortgage and when the time is right that needs to be address too. Since her name is still on the title she still owes half of the payment.

Has anyone else experienced this?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/19/10 06:17 PM

Could anyone advise me if I should/could set boundaries for my sitch.

I am having a difficult time choosing a boundary that fits.

What comes to mind is the way W doesn't communicate to me about the kids. I share information, pictures and such with her but she does not return the actions.

"W, when you drop the kids off, I feel upset when you do not share information with me about their lives. If this is the way you would like to do things I will have no problem not sharing things with you"

Any thoughts?
Posted By: Greek

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/19/10 06:31 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
Although I have decided to be patience with the process, I did email W about some financial things that needed to be addressed. I curently pay the car and life insurance and I told her that this is due. I asked for a check for her half and offered her an option to remove herself from the policy and get her own.

Why should I be paying for her things? I also been been payig the mortgage and when the time is right that needs to be address too. Since her name is still on the title she still owes half of the payment.

Has anyone else experienced this?


You should not be paying for her things. She needs a dose of reality. Is the car in her name or yours? If yours, well, then it's your payment to make. But if it is in her name....Big Girl Panties.. She needs to pay for it just like she will have to when she is no longer Mrs. Gr8. That goes for everything that is exclusively HERS. If it touches the children, offer to split the costs.

Greek
Posted By: Greek

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/19/10 06:39 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
Could anyone advise me if I should/could set boundaries for my sitch.

I am having a difficult time choosing a boundary that fits.

What comes to mind is the way W doesn't communicate to me about the kids. I share information, pictures and such with her but she does not return the actions.


"W, when you drop the kids off, I feel upset when you do not share information with me about their lives. If this is the way you would like to do things I will have no problem not sharing things with you"

Any thoughts?
She does not have to share the non essentials with you. By the same token, you don't have to, either. You must share and insist she share about educational issues, health, safety. But things like, "S9finally passed a spelling test and we're so happy!". ... Nope. Would it be nice? Sure. But not a have-to. You can tell her you would appreciate hearing about the goodness that goes on for your children when they are not with you, but if she doesn't, then she doesn't. And I wouldn't either.

Greek
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/19/10 06:57 PM

Thanks for the posts greek.

Her car is in my name but she does make the payment on it.

I do communicate the essentials with her but when she drops the kids off I have to ask her for the updates about the kids health and discipline issues.

I want to create a boundary but I don't see an opportunity.

Greek, or others, do you see something I'm missing?

Greek still no conatct about the meeting but that could change aftr her trip.
Posted By: Greek

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/19/10 07:11 PM

Gp8,
You known the drill...if there is something that is bothering you, it is your responsibility to bring it up.

"W, I believe it is very important for us to maintain as much consistent involvement in our children's lives ...ESP. In light of what we are going through personally. I will make every effort to keep you in that loop and I require the same level of communication from you. In particular, I would like x, y and z. Of course I will do the same for you."

Greek
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/19/10 07:55 PM

Quote:
You known the drill...if there is something that is bothering you, it is your responsibility to bring it up.



Yes this is true.

Letting feelings get bottled upped only leads to anger and resentment. And that's not what I want to feel. I want to feel good and happy. smile
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/20/10 01:47 PM


For those following my sitch, thank you.

I am at a turning point for me in this process and my PMA has led my to start doing things for myself.
I know what I want and envision getting there in the future.

Today is the day I start being PROACTIVE and confident.

In will not analyze my W action any longer. That was my choice and now I am choosing to focus on the things I can control- Me and my well being.

Suggested reading:
The Seven Habits of Highly Affective People: Stephen Covey.

I just order this book b/c it was referred to me by a friend.

Here's a link to the brief overview of the book.
This needs to be applied to our situation here.

https://www.stephencovey.com/7habits/7habits.php
Just reading the overview has made a change for me.

I'll keep you posted after I set a boundary with W later this week.
gr8
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/21/10 03:35 PM

I emailed W last week about D5 graduation.

When I dropped the kids off this morning I gave her an update on the kids and asked about her vaca.
She said she had a good time and I said I was glad for her snd said thats what there all about.

A few hours ago she emailed me about graduation stating:
"I took the day off, I assume my mom n dad can go to. Maybe we all can go out to dinner together?!"

Holy crap. Did she just invite me to dinner?
I am not getting excited at all.

Any thoughts?
Posted By: mza8

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/21/10 04:02 PM

Gr8,

That is good news. Good job asking your W about her vacation and leaving it at that. She probably was expecting you to grill her for specifics from the vacation. Good 180 by you.

The dinner invitation is good. Maybe she's just being nice, maybe she feels like it's the right thing to do for D5, maybe she wants to spend time with you, who knows for sure? My point is try not to go with expectations. Trust me, I'm not trying to rain on your parade but just take this as another positive step...take it slow.

I'm happy for you. I'm glad that you vented here last week and gave yourself time before you did something you might have regretted. Keep looking at the positives.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/21/10 07:26 PM

mza8,
I ahd a 3 hour drive for business today and that gave me time to think about the invite.

I agree that she might think it's best for the D5 but I'm not sure.
In my first or second thread here she invited me to Thanksgiving dinner b/c she thought is was the right thing to do. I agreed and it was a mistake. It was 3 months after the bomb and T-giving dinner was so awkward. for her family and me. When I went to leave the kids were crying hysterically.

I tried to do things with her and the kids after that but she would remind me "Remember what happen at Thanksgiving?" "I don't want to confuse the kids agian."

So I stopped asking to do things with her AND the kids.
We are not a family.

Know back to my thinking about this graduation dinner.

I was thinking about declining to go b/c of the kids and saying something like this:

"I have decided not to be seen with another women in front of my kids until I feel comfortable that they will be OK with her and me being together. I do not want the kids to have false hopes when they see us together, remember what happened at Thanksgiving?"

What do you think?

I want to show her that I am pulling away from her.
Posted By: timehealsall

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/21/10 07:30 PM

I wouldn't even say that much.

Just decline saying that you don't think that's a good idea. I wouldn't go into specifics. She isn't dumb. She will know why.
Posted By: mza8

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/21/10 08:31 PM

Yeah, I don't know about that Gr8. Here's my thinking for what it's worth. You said that she knows that Thanksgiving dinner was awkward. She doesn't want to have a repeat of that dinner. Ok, she knows this but SHE is the one asking you to dinner. Perhaps she wants this dinner to be positive and not an awkward moment for you both? Something positive to build on? This could be a good opportunity for you to show her the new you. What do you think?

If I were you I would go to the dinner for a couple of reasons. First, it's an opportunity to be there for your D5 on a special day for her. I don't have children but I would want to be at every event I could if I did. I would want to make it a good memory for her. Second, as I mentioned before, it's a good opportunity for you to show your W an upbeat and positive you. Blow her mind, keep the focus on your D5 and don't allow it to be awkward. If you remain positive and upbeat then I think that would go a long way. Just my 2 cents.

I know it's been said that the LBS takes crumbs from our WAS at times. While this might be true I feel like we have to start somewhere, don't we? Others might disagree and that's fine. I don't expect our WASs to jump right back overnight. This is a process and I believe we have to start somewhere. I would go and see what happens. If it's awkard again then you know your W is not there yet. If it's a good dinner then you're making progress.
Posted By: Greek

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/21/10 11:23 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive


What do you think?

I want to show her that I am pulling away from her.


So I put myself in your wife's shoes and imagined what would rattle my cage. Here it is: "W, thanks for the invite. Can't though. I have something planned afterward, but I'm glad your parents will be able to spend that time with y'all."

Rattle. Her. Cage.

You don't have to say what you have planned, and if she asks, say, "Dinner plans." Then rush right out and make some smile

Greek
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/22/10 12:48 AM

This is a tough one.
mza8,

I had thought about dinner being an opportunity to show her my positive changes. My problem with going is she expects me to say yes. So declining would be a 180 for me. It will also show her a sense of mystery about me. Going to see D5 graduate will be joyous for me, I don't want to ruin he day by getting her hopes up about W and me.
In addition it will saw her I am not always there for her when she wants me. I will be there for D5 any time, but dinner with her dad, mom and step dad is something I don't need right now.
I get along great with all of them but don't feel it's a good time for it.

Greek,

I think I do need to rattle the cage with W an this situation.

She needs to be woken up so she can see I'm not going to agree with her suggestions all the time.

The dinner isn't until early June. I have over a month to decide what to do and a lot can change in those few weeks.

I am going to see what developes the next few weeks then decide want to do.

What I have learned from this process is that things can change directions like the wind.

Maybe in a week or two I'll let her know I will get back to her about the dinner.


Another thought on her email,
What was with the puncuation after the dinner invite?

who uses ?!
Posted By: mza8

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/22/10 01:49 AM

Gr8, Yes, I can definitely see both sides of deciding what to do with the dinner invite. I can see Greek's POV. Tough call. At least you have some time before you have to decide. Like you said, you can see what develops over the next couple of weeks.


Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

What I have learned from this process is that things can change directions like the wind.


^^^^^^Ain't that the truth!
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/23/10 01:56 AM

I feel a little strange today. I feel like I am losing my desire to R my M. Not only that, I am questioning my love for my wife.

Is this what detaching feels like?
Posted By: SMM23

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/23/10 02:25 PM

I do not know, but if you find out pass on the info. I feel exactly like you. Through this whole process W has stomped on my feelings and worst of all, withheld her love. It is very difficult to continue taking the abuse. Everybody keeps telling me to just concentrate on yourself, so that is the best advise I can give and to let you know that you are not alone.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/23/10 02:36 PM

SMM23.

It just feels weird. It's almost like I don't even care about it anymore. It's like I am desensitized from the whole thing.
No emotion at all.


Life slows down for no one. Keep moving forward. 8 months and counting...

I just know that I am so much stronger than before. In fact I believe I have cycled through the process of feeling great then felling lousy so much that it doesn't matter any more.

I enjoy my time for myself and have a great time with the kids when their with me. Life ain't so bad.
Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/23/10 03:03 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
I feel a little strange today. I feel like I am losing my desire to R my M. Not only that, I am questioning my love for my wife.

Is this what detaching feels like?



Yes, it's part of detaching. A big reason you are losing desire is because she is hurting you. The key is getting ahead of her on the detaching curve. Once you think you will be OK without her the real changes begin, this is the "dropping the rope," no expectations, and you walking away. This done in a healthy way is productive.
Posted By: Ken62

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/23/10 03:08 PM

Originally Posted By: Coach
Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
I feel a little strange today. I feel like I am losing my desire to R my M. Not only that, I am questioning my love for my wife.

Is this what detaching feels like?



Yes, it's part of detaching. A big reason you are losing desire is because she is hurting you. The key is getting ahead of her on the detaching curve. Once you think you will be OK without her the real changes begin, this is the "dropping the rope," no expectations, and you walking away. This done in a healthy way is productive.


Thanks Coach! This helps a lot as I have been feeling more and more of this also!
Posted By: soleil

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/23/10 03:10 PM

Originally Posted By: Greek
Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive


What do you think?

I want to show her that I am pulling away from her.


So I put myself in your wife's shoes and imagined what would rattle my cage. Here it is: "W, thanks for the invite. Can't though. I have something planned afterward, but I'm glad your parents will be able to spend that time with y'all."

Rattle. Her. Cage.

You don't have to say what you have planned, and if she asks, say, "Dinner plans." Then rush right out and make some smile

Greek


This is perfect.
Posted By: trytryagain

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/23/10 03:11 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

It just feels weird. It's almost like I don't even care about it anymore. It's like I am desensitized from the whole thing.
No emotion at all.


i feel a lot of this, too...i felt numb when i took off my rings, numb when i removed the last pictures of the 2 of us from my bookshelf...

it almost feels like i've gotten to a point with this that i've hurt so much that i just can't even feel it anymore. the thing that gets me by is knowing that i won't always feel this way.
Posted By: beingreal

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/23/10 03:14 PM

Gee gr8, so many points to give you a woman's POV...

The punctuation thing in the email... maybe it was meant as a "hey! look! I invited you somewhere!! "

Or maybe she only meant to use one of them (hmmmm...is it a question, "would you like to come to dinner with us?" invite or..."You should come to dinner with us!" statement that you make but don't actually expect anyone to take you up on. I've been known to make some silly mistakes when I go back & don't edit my emails. Let's not read too much into that, it might really just be nothing.

As far as rattling her cage...I agree. But now you do have a choice.

If H told me he didn't think it was a good idea, I'd think, "What the heck is that supposed to mean? Can't you be grown up enough for one dinner for the sake of your child? Hasn't this been going on forever? Jerk."

If H told me he couldn't because he had plans, he'd definitely catch my attention. "Huh? He was plans? With who?? Isn't he the one waiting for me? Well whatever. Good to see I'm not the center of his universe anymore. Good for him for having plans. With someone else. Who isn't me. The center of his universe. I wonder who is more important than me. Hmmm..."


Here's the thing though, gr8--if you are going to say you have plans, actually make some. Do something. Go somewhere with someone. It doesn't have to involve a supermodel & it could just be with a guy friend. But I promise the less you tell her, the more she'll wonder.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/23/10 03:22 PM

Coach can you go more into "Healthy" on this:

Quote:
Once you think you will be OK without her the real changes begin, this is the "dropping the rope," no expectations, and you walking away. This done in a healthy way is productive
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/23/10 04:18 PM

Sol and shel

Thanks for the input.

I still haven't contacted her with my decision yet and won't until the time gets closer.

I do have yoga classes that night so I do already have something on the calender.


I think this event along with me asking to pay for her half of things is sending a point to her.

Now how wopuld she respond to seeing a "For Sale" sign in the front yard? LOL. Although not out of the realm of possiblities.

I am going to be keping a close watch on her interactions with me for the next few weeks.

My biggest problem is her friends, one in particular.
It's almost like OM in a sense she is trying to fix up my W with other guys.

I having a hard time thinking we can reconcile with this friend in the picture.
What going to happen when her friend finds a steady bouy and doesn't have time for her?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/25/10 02:15 PM

I just emailed W about the dinner and told her I have other plans.

When she dropped the kids off yeasterday I noticed she is wearing more eye make-up than usual. I know Saturday night is her only night to go out. I still have a slight feeling she is seeing someone else. But I can't prove it.

My problem is if she is seeing someone else then what would be her reason for not proceeding with D. Other than the house and kids she has no reason to even speak to me. She offers nothing in return and this is why I question myself for wanting to Reconcile.

Now my friends wives and GF's are trying to fix me up with other women. i don't want to go this route, at least for now.

I understand they want me to be happy.
But I'm not jumpimg into that fire. For now.

Can't wait to see her reponse to the dinner decline.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/26/10 01:44 PM


I spoke to a friend about the dinner invite and they said not to think anything of it.
W is just inviting me for the sake of D5 b/c it is her special day. I believe this b/c W hasn't shown me any communication the last few weeks.

I will be at the ceremony for D5 but as for dinner, I declined.

I Really don't think having dinner with her and her P's is a good idea.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/26/10 03:52 PM

I am looking for advice to detach in a healthy way.
As anyone hve any tips?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/26/10 07:27 PM

What the opinion here about writing a letter to WAW?
In it I would state my needs and wants in a relationship. I would not say ILY or anything on those lines.

What would be pros and cons of a letter of this type?

Me and W are stagnant right now, we both do our own things. She has been GAL with her new friends and I have been GAL too.

Input welcome.
thanks gr8
Posted By: Greek

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/26/10 07:49 PM

gr8,
My opinion is that you should not do this. WORDS are not your most effective tool at this time. ACTIONS - being a confident, measured, TCB kinda guy is what will SPEAK to her (to anyone!) the loudest at this time.

I say no to the letter.
Greek
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/26/10 10:13 PM

OK. No letter. I'm not sure of the success rate of it anyway.

Now that it has been established that I'm not going to dinner after D5 graduation, Should I even sit with or next to W?
Her parents will be attending also.

Or should I go to the Graduation and sit alone?

I'm thinking the latter.

As always insights and perspectives are welcome.
Posted By: Greek

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/26/10 10:21 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
OK. No letter. I'm not sure of the success rate of it anyway.

Now that it has been established that I'm not going to dinner after D5 graduation, Should I even sit with or next to W?
Her parents will be attending also.

Or should I go to the Graduation and sit alone?

I'm thinking the latter.

As always insights and perspectives are welcome.




If it were me, I would sit where I can get the BEST view of what my little one is doing. And if that happens to be near W and inlaws, so what? I would sit in the best seat for accomplishing my objective which is to view this awesome event. Where they are or are not is of no concern.

How 'bout them apples?
Greek
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/26/10 10:25 PM

Greek,

I really appreciate x1000 that you follow my sitch.

I'll keep posting and whenever you see something please let me know.

Thanks again, you don't know how good this makes me feel.
Posted By: gucci loafer

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/26/10 11:17 PM

Make sure to get to the graduation FIRST.
Sit where you want. Then it won't be a problem of where you sit. Problem solved.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/26/10 11:37 PM

Good point GL, glad to see you stop by.
I was thinking the same thing.
Get there first, then let her decide.
If she goes her own way it will speak volumes to me.
Posted By: beingreal

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/27/10 01:05 PM

I'm sorry I've missed so much. Catching up now...

I think Greek & Gucci are 100% correct. Get there first, sit where you want. That way it's not an issue. How are you with you ILs?

As for the letter, again they are right on the nose. We women can read anything into anything, and the fact that you take time to right a letter speaks volumes. Much more than what the actual letter might say. Doing nothing translates into feeling nothing.

I know you'd already decided against it, I just put that out there in case you start to revisit the idea. smile

I have to say from a woman's POV, it's a good sign if your friend's wives are trying to set you up with their friends. I would never try to set my friends up with a loser, so they must hold you in some pretty high regard. Keep remembering that when W's actions start to get to you.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/27/10 01:54 PM

Quote:
Make sure to get to the graduation FIRST.
Sit where you want. Then it won't be a problem of where you sit. Problem solved.


Alright, I need a plan B. W will have the kids on the day of graduation and D5 needs to be there an hour before ceremony.

W will be there before me.
Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/27/10 01:57 PM

Quote:
Alright, I need a plan B.


Sit next to the hottest single Mom there. cool
Posted By: beingreal

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/27/10 02:06 PM

Originally Posted By: Coach
Quote:
Alright, I need a plan B.


Sit next to the hottest single Mom there. cool


This will work, too. In fact, it's a win-win. wink
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/27/10 02:30 PM

That's too funny.

Oh, I forgot to mention, I have/had a great relationship with the inlaws.
Posted By: beingreal

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/27/10 02:45 PM

That's a good thing, I'd try hard to maintain that relationship. If you make a point of not sitting next to them, it might make them feel awkward. Of course, sitting next to them might make them feel awkward, too. lol Any chance of being around them and just acting as if there's no problem? Because really, the problem isn't with them. FWIW, they are probably just as unsure as you are.

(as if, see? I'm learning!)

One of my friends says the best part of her D was that she got to keep her MIL. She adores her MIL. I'm trying to treat them as though nothing were wrong between H & I. Of course they know better--but still. They are probably just as nervous as the kids are, they adore the boys & I have no intentions of making them "pay".
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/28/10 01:24 PM



I had an awesome time with the kids the past few days. Went to the movies on Sunday and play the rest of the day. Monday kids were in a great mood and we played "monster, mermaid" Monday night. (It's a game I made up while on vacation two years ago where I'm a monster and D5 is a mermaid, S2 likes to be a lion.
They essentially attack me with pillows and jump on me and I throw them on the sofas and tickle them). They love it.

Tuesday went to the toy store for kids and treated them to new toys. The were so good they deserved it.
The best thing about it was on the ride home they both said thanks for the new toys. I am so proud of them.
Wednesday morning I dropped the kids off at W apartment. hugged and kissed the kids goodbye, told them to have fun and I;ll see them Saturday.
Said good morning and how are you doing to W, she said fine and asked me the same and I said I feel great! Then said goodbye.

W looked like crap again and moapy so I don't know if she was thinking abut the dinner decline. That's on her, I feel great today.
Posted By: beingreal

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/28/10 01:52 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive


I had an awesome time with the kids the past few days. Went to the movies on Sunday and play the rest of the day. Monday kids were in a great mood and we played "monster, mermaid" Monday night. (It's a game I made up while on vacation two years ago where I'm a monster and D5 is a mermaid, S2 likes to be a lion.
They essentially attack me with pillows and jump on me and I throw them on the sofas and tickle them). They love it.

Tuesday went to the toy store for kids and treated them to new toys. The were so good they deserved it.
The best thing about it was on the ride home they both said thanks for the new toys. I am so proud of them.
Wednesday morning I dropped the kids off at W apartment. hugged and kissed the kids goodbye, told them to have fun and I;ll see them Saturday.
Said good morning and how are you doing to W, she said fine and asked me the same and I said I feel great! Then said goodbye.

W looked like crap again and moapy so I don't know if she was thinking abut the dinner decline. That's on her, I feel great today.










I love this post!! The whole thing, every bit of it. I want to be right *there* & mean it. Good job, gr8.

So sad that W is looking & feeling poorly. I wonder what she'll do when you do start dating again? Hmmmm...

(Forgive me if I sound mean today...lol. I'm really hoping that this turns out the right way for everyone. But I think it's wonderful that you're doing so well.)

((hugs))
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 04/30/10 01:13 PM

I have been having a great week!
I feel I am really learning how to detach from W and Sitch.

I also think I did rattle her cage a bit with the dinner decline.
Who knows but I feel I'm doing what's best for me.

Spoke to a friend I haven't spoken to in awhile and his wife now want to fix me up with one of her friends.

Wow, I feel good that friends are willing to match me up with someone.

I'm not going down that road.....yet.

I have atrip plan for NY in June and D5 graduation the following week.

After those events if W if still in fog I will be the one contacting her about the post marital agreement.

I have learned alot about myself the past few months and understand how good healthy R work.

This has been soooo Serendipitous.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/02/10 01:04 AM

OK,

I am now planing on telling my W it is over. I want her off the mortgage or she needs to start paying her half.

I have given her every chance to make changes on herself the past 8 months and nothing absolutely nothing.

I have decided I deserve more in a relationship and she is not the one for me.

Time to rattle her cage some more, but tis time I don't care what she thinks. She cannot say or do anything to make me feel for her anymore. I feel I am the WAS.

There are sooo many women out there. I will take what I learned from this experience and have a wonderful relationship with someone who deserves me.

Any updates will be just about her reactions to the actions I take.

NO MORE MR. NICE GUY!
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/02/10 04:51 AM

Gr8day...

I'll confess it's been a while since I've read your situation, but I've got some input for you.

First, I'm sad to read that you plan to tell your W it's over. Two weeks ago, you were posting about being patient.

Next, it's probably too late now, but I would have accepted the dinner invite. It may be an opportunity to get a read on your W for a longer period of time than your normal 5 minutes. In my situation, I used any invited opportunity to listen to what my W had to say.

You are still way too bothered by your W friend. Quick story from my situation....I was concerned about one of my W's divorced friends, too. She told my W what I'll bet 90% of their friends tell them..."girl, you do what you gotta do!".

So now a few months later, my W is telling her friend that we are working on our M. Guess what my W's friend says to my W? She says "that's so cool, my XH was such an a$$ about trying".

Don't worry about her friends. She needs the emotional connection from them.

While I agree with protecting yourself financially, make sure this doesn't translate into being mean spirited about it....no matter how she's acting.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/02/10 10:45 AM

Gman,

I have confirmed her friend is a cancer to her. While on their I found out she did in fact hook up with OM. Is this what happens when you give someone time and space?

MY W still after 8 months has not shown me anything. She doesn't intiate any hello's or ask how I'm doing or anything about the kids.

I just can't take it any longer.
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/03/10 04:12 AM

How were you able to confirm? Did I miss that in one of your posts, or is this a recent confirmation? If it is indeed a confirmation, have you addressed it with your W?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/03/10 02:05 PM

Gman,

I found out through a mutual friend this past weekend. Even though it was confirmed I was at all surprised. I was going to wait until I retuened from my vacation to tell her but what's the difference. She has obviously checked out and has been since she started hanging around this new friend.

Funny thing now. I joined match.com to meet some new lady friends and guess who showed up? Her friend. Wow, I hope she sees me on there and tells W.

My W also told our friend that she doesn't think I would ever want to find someone else that I would just remain single forever.

I didn't confront W on this b/c I don't want to betray our mutual friends trust.

I did email W saying we should meet sooner than later to discuss agreement. I also added this:
PS. I know excatly all the feelings you have had over this past year. I have felt them too now.

Meaning I have become the WAS. Life is too short to be playing these high school games.If you can't make a decision in 9 months time then it seems things won't ever happen.

The sad thing is that altough in her mind she tried to work on M last year but I didn't get "it", she knows darn well I have tried and the past 9 months andhas not wanted anything to do with R.

I have accepted this and will move on.

I could save my M but I gave it my all. This place has helped me address my wrong doing in my M and has provided me with the strength and courage to move forward.

I'll keep updating what transpires with W.

waht do think about confronting W about the hook up. If I say anything I would asked our mutual friend first.
Posted By: mza8

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/03/10 02:18 PM

gr8, I'm confused. Was it your W's friend who hooked-up with OM or was it your W that has OM?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/03/10 02:36 PM

mza8,

it was my W who hooked up with OM. I don't know how far it went.

Also W tells our mutual friend that she still has it.
W told friend she feels like she's in a compitition with her new friend and that her friend will win b/c she is better looking thean my W.

Our mutual friend and I just shook our heads and thought this whole thing is like high school.

I am not waiting for W to come around, in fact I had 20 + hits on match.com the first day and I am communicating with someone through email right now.

I really hope W's friend sees me on there and tells W.

As for the meeting, W has not replied to my request yet.

I'll bring it again when I see her Wednesday.

I Have been feeling good about myself lately b/c of the changes I have made. Other women notice my good nature and it's time for me to dropped the rope.

maybe W will wake up or maybe not, but if she does she has a lot of work to do on herself before I would even consider working on M.
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/03/10 02:50 PM

I agree with dropping the rope.

You certainly don't have to take my advice (if you can even call it advice), but I would proceed a little cautiously since it sounds like even your mutual friend doesn't really know the extent of what might or might not have happened w/ your W & OM.

I can understand that 9 mos seems like a long time to wait.

By the way, your W feeling like she still has it is not a unique thing. That's part of the emotional stuff that many of us on this board deal with. As the years go by in a M, many of us guys fall down in that area (I'm guilty as charged there). Our W's need us to give them that feeling. When you get to where you & I are in our R's, it can be tough because when we try to start doing that again it comes across as manipulative in the early going.

Two of the main things that W's need are focused attention on them from their H, and the feeling that they are being taken care of (financial security/protection).

Patience (as much as possible)
Posted By: beingreal

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/03/10 03:16 PM

Aww, gr8. This sucks. So very much. I wish I had some advice, but I don't--you are much further ahead of me in this journey.

I will offer some words of encouragment, though. I'm happy to see that you are finally realizing just what a catch you are & that your future is wide open. One day soon you'll find someone worthy of you & you'll be happier than you thought possible. AND...a bonus--you will have this experience to know how NOT to act, and how to keep a R alive & healthy.

As for your W thinking that you are going to remain single forever--well...she just must think pretty highly of herself. That's all I'm going to say. (other than the fact I'm seriously rolling my eyes as I say it)

I don't know what to think of the new friend. I don't feel like I'm in competition with any of my friends. Maybe this new friend is fostering this immature behavior? One of those people who can't be in a happy R, so, therefor, no one should be? I will admit that the thought of dating again scares the hell out of me. I mean, who is going to want a middle aged mom of three who left her body of her 20s actually IN her 20s. Yikes. I'm trying to remember that I have more to offer now than I did in my 20s--more confidence, my own life, my own money, a "can-do" attitude, a lot more life experience that makes me my own person. Those are the things that are going to attract the right person & the things that will keep the right person around. (and just to be on the safe side--I'm stepping up my time with the trainer! lol!)

So while your W may still have *it* on the outside, it sounds like she is really lacking quite a bit on the inside. You've learned so much from all of this & have become a better person for it. I predict in the long run--you will end up happier than she is, and a lot sooner, too.

Have fun dipping your toes back into the pool. It sounds like you have quite a few to choose from. wink A funny sidenote--I have a friend who joined match.com on the advice of other frineds to help her get over her xBF. The ONLY match to show up in the first round? You guessed it...her xBF. She deleted her profile & never looked back. lmao! Here's to hoping that your story ends much better.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/03/10 04:18 PM

Thanks for the hugs shelbel,

I have reach my breaking point. Sometimes when someone says "there nothing you could do or say to change my mind" they really mean it.

Funny how people change and can change over time.

I have no idea who this woman is now and quite frankly she's not someone who interests me.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/03/10 04:44 PM

I want to thank every here who has followed my sitch and have contributed posts. There where many times before where I would backslide and it just took that one special post from someone to keep me going.

Also those who have followed, I did post once there was infidelity I would be finished. I don't know if sex was invovled but the fact that she hooked up with someone else shows me she does not want to be with me.

AND ..... I'm OK with that.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/03/10 07:24 PM

Well it only took two days for W's friend to find me on match.com. I think this will not only shake her cage but I'm thinking the port-a-potty was just tipped over.
t's going to be an iteresting week.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/04/10 03:30 AM

Got an email from the W tonight Stating she was thinking the same thing about the meeting. Really 2.5 months later you decided it was time? Dies it have anything to do with her friend seeing me on Match.com?

I went out tonight and saw a girl put music on the jukebox and when she walked backed I started to talk to her. Blah Blah blah then she says ( you are dangerously Hot) Wow talk about an ego boost.

W still doesn't get it.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/04/10 03:38 AM

Should I wink her friend on match.com?
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/04/10 03:44 AM

You might be suprised what happens from here. In my sitch, our R talks got MORE productive AFTER divorce was filed. We started MC after divorce was filed.
Posted By: mza8

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/04/10 03:53 AM

No, I wouldn't. What purpose would that serve?
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/04/10 03:57 AM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
Should I wink her friend on match.com?


No!!!!

I agree w/who ever said your W must be delusional to think that you'd remain single forever. That's nutty! crazy

I see we're in the same city. What part are you in?
Posted By: beingreal

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/04/10 11:00 AM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

I went out tonight and saw a girl put music on the jukebox and when she walked backed I started to talk to her. Blah Blah blah then she says ( you are dangerously Hot) Wow talk about an ego boost.

W still doesn't get it.



Well, hello! That isn't something we chicas say every day. (although I am going to have to remember it for future reference. lol!)


And you can wink her if you'd like...just shower after. :shudder: yuck.

Glad you had fun, your future is wide open.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/04/10 11:23 AM

Ruined,

I am outside the city in Bucks Co.

I'm not going to do anything with her friend on match.com
I'm sure her friend already told her about it.

I emailed her back last night telling her we should meet at a bookstore to talk. I'll let her start and I will just listen.

I'm thinking about asking her if she wants to "work" on things. This will be HER last chance.
Then decide my next course of action.

Still on the high from last night!
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/04/10 03:28 PM

gr8day

Awesome! Has the patience returned? Allow me to give you some more insight into what I have thought about. If it helps you then great, if not that's OK.

So, I have thougtht things like "what is my W's problem?", "why can't we just work this out?", "why is she acting like this?".

I also have thoughts like "I can just get someone else", "Someone else probably won't treat ME this way" etc.

Then I realize this. My best chance of a long term, fulfilling relationship is with my current wife (look up divorce rates on second marriages). If my W & I do divorce, it sounds so good (as it probably does to your W right now) to think "hey, this might be kinda fun". You know, those fuzzy feelings that someone wants to be around you again. Wow!

Of course, another problem is that your first W is STILL in your life, especially if you got kiddos. Rarely are there not regrets by both parties at some point after a divorce. Internally, divorce is a form of failure that is experienced.

So, I like your game plan. Meet with your W and listen, listen, listen. You may have complicated things a little by going on a dating website, but I understand the need for an ego boost. I've wanted them myself.

Just don't communicate TO her that this is her last chance, even if you're thinking it is. That WON'T go over well.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/04/10 07:19 PM

Thanks GM.

Quote:
Just don't communicate TO her that this is her last chance, even if you're thinking it is. That WON'T go over well.



I joined the dating site out of curiousity. But let me tell you once you start getting attention from nice attractive women, it's hard not to get that all excited.

I will handle the meeting in a mature manner.Not blaming or talking about the past.

I will be straight forward with her, tell her what I expect from a W. I will tell her if she wants to work on this then we need to seek MC. Set the boundary that I will not be apart of an open M and she needs to devote more time into the M if she wants.
I will have no regrets, I believe I have tried every possible thing to save M.

I have seen the stats on second Ms. I know there are not likely to work out. I can't even begin to think about something like that right now.

I feel I have addressed my problems I had that caused the M to break apart.

I guess you could say I'm going all in next week.

Anything else I should bring up at the meeting?
Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/04/10 07:28 PM

Quote:
I'm thinking about asking her if she wants to "work" on things. This will be HER last chance.
Then decide my next course of action.


No, you make your mind up first - lead (very attractive). If given the choice, she sees you waiting on her (unatttractive) and she doesn't want to choose. She wants you to be who she desires. Decide that you will be OK no matter the outcome - D or reconciliation. This is the Stockdale Paradox - parallel path concept. Don't tell her anything let your actions speak for you.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/04/10 09:39 PM

Coach,
Your saying I should be the first to speak at the meeting?

Tell her what I expect from her and lead this way?

Then tell her I will be fine with either outcome?

I do want to do everything possible so I have no regrets.

We do need to R talk.
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/04/10 10:02 PM

gr8day

I'm sure Coach will clarify that for you, and he's been successful. Let me throw out a couple of things for you and you can match them with what others say, or dismiss them if you disagree.

Coach actually quotes the Stockdale paradox under the signature line. I believe the Stockdale paradox is FOR YOU. You know that you will be fine no matter what the outcome.

I don't believe you need to tell your W what YOU expect. This is part of the letting your actions speak for you. And don't tell her that you will be fine with either outcome, that communicates indecision/indifference to her. Let her hear in your voice and with your actions that you will be fine with either outcome. Make sure you know the difference between letting her know you will be OK, and being aggressive or mean. I would best term this a "confident compassion". You are allowing her to follow you.

I don't know what Coach would say, but I am not so much concerned about who speaks first as much as I am about the questions you ask. Asking questions is VERY effective. If your W is like mine, she relishes the chance to talk, but you need to ask the right questions.

As an example, say you tell her something or answer one of her questions....I would do it briefly and affirming....then ask her how she feels about it. By the way, don't ask her "what she thinks about it", ask her "how she feels about it". By doing this, it helped get my wife from "we're done, no questions asked" to the point of now being in MC to see if we can work things out.

I don't know the advice Coach would give, but a word of caution from my sitch, make sure you know the difference in "leading" and "controlling"....from your W's POV.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/04/10 10:45 PM

GM thanksfor the insight.

I am confused a bit on the actions and words.

We are going to "talk" at this meeting. I have been showing her my action for the past 8 months and still nothing from her.

I do need to set the boundary about an open M.

Should I ask her how she feels about MC or working on the R


I know I will be fine either way- don't tell her this?

What actions can I show her at this meeting???
other than being mature and confident?
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/04/10 11:10 PM

You are correct with the statement you know you will be fine either way. In my opinion, you will convey this, but not actually say it, by just having a good open discussion. Does that make sense? In other words, you will have the "vibe" that you are OK either way....because truthfully you WILL be. That doesn't mean you don't WANT your M to work, it just means you will be OK either way.

You don't need to show her any actions at the meeting unless you've made a major decision, like moving or changing jobs, something like that.

I did not think my W was noticing any of my actions during our separation, but she was. Obviously she doesn't know about every single action, but in my case there were one or two specific ones she was looking for. I did NOT fulfill one of them, and we talked more about it. It was one of those deals where I told her I can't read her mind, and her response was something like "she expected me to know that without telling me". There will be some things like that and they'll make you want to pull your hair out. Just stay relaxed...we got past it.

The MC question is a tough one, so hopefully you'll get some other input on it. I suggested MC when we first separated, and the W said no. We have started MC now and it was her suggestion. Actually, it was the suggestion of her IC, but she agreed and SHE scheduled it.

Perhaps I've asked you this before, but have YOU sought C on your own? As part of "leading", I sought C on my own about a week after our separation. My W was somewhat reluctant to do that, but she did start it several weeks later. I am convinced that she saw I was serious about changing our R and sought it on her own for herself.

On the actions and words stuff, your basically not just sitting down with her and telling her all the wonderful stuff you've been doing to make yourself a better man and husband. When my W and I started talking, MY goal was to know what it was ABOUT me that made her want to end our M. I asked that question directly when we started divorce discussions. Her answers were a little hard to read into at first, but over time as we discussed, her feelings became more clear.

This is the power of the question. Questions create conversation and reveal a LOT.

I agree with setting the boundary about an open M. I have not had to cross that path. Just be careful about being "accusatory" if you are not 100% certain of the facts.

I am no expert, but I've watched my W go from saying "no hope" to scheduling our MC.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/05/10 01:34 PM

Quote:
Perhaps I've asked you this before, but have YOU sought C on your own? As part of "leading", I sought C on my own about a week after our separation.

I went to MC 4 times after the bomb was dropped. W went twice with but it was too soon- it wasn't affective. I was still shell shocked and both our minds weren't ready for it.
She said she didn't went to go back.

I then went to IC and did 9 phone sesions with DB coach.

I feel I have gotten all I can from IC. I honestly am a new person with a new outlook on life.

Quote:
When my W and I started talking, MY goal was to know what it was ABOUT me that made her want to end our M. I asked that question directly when we started divorce discussions. Her answers were a little hard to read into at first, but over time as we discussed, her feelings became more clear


I know why she was unhappy in the M. Part of it was the lack of intimacy.
I believed it was caused by my anxiety and depression. I have address those issues, but since she is not around I can't be intimate with her.

HAs for her hooking up with someone on vacation, I think I am 100% sure of this.
I don't want to bring it up unless our mutual friend says it's OK.

I am confident who I am now. I would like to give W an opportunity to show me something.

We do have two little ones and it's only going to get harder as they get older.

Please provide any more advice to me to think about.
I will be meeting her Monday morning.
Thanks, gr8
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/05/10 04:31 PM

gr8day

I've re-read some of your thread to refresh my memory on a few things. I will basically relate what I have done that was successful and unsuccessful to what I've read from your posts.

One thing I noticed as I re-read was something that my W would react the same way to. At one point, you said to your W something like "you're right, let's just get a no fault divorce" and she said something like "Don't use that manipulative crap on me". Well, that really leaves you two choices. Either don't use that manipulative crap on her, or go file.

My point there is don't say something you're not ready and willing to act upon. That's a sample of the actions vs words stuff. That's why in my opinion it's better to ask questions instead of "telling" your spouse stuff.

"Oh, I've changed", "Oh, I do this now instead of that", "Oh, I'm a different person". Your wife hears "blah, blah, blah". Plus, what if you are telling her stuff she really DOESN'T even care about. Then, you've spent all that time and energy telling her all about something that's not productive.

I believe your W is doing two things at once. She is thinking about what she wants to do regarding the M, AND she is doing things to get her mind off it.

I don't really know you, but I agree with your friend who said something like you overanalyze everything. I wouldn't doubt that this is something your W would like to see change in you, but I don't know that for certain.

Just a month ago, you said in a post that you like a challenge, yet you seem to need motivation every other day. You've posted things like "guess we might as well file". Yet, you acknowldege this is a marathon and not a sprint. Part of that may be your analytical personality. Does your W see you as someone who gives up easy and overanalyzes everything?

As you have posted:
She has said she doesn't want to waste 5 more years.
She knows you want to work on the marriage.
She has asked you the question "what has changed?"
Just 6 weeks ago, she talked about the agreement using the term "IF" things don't work out...

This is all good info regarding how you relate to her.

In another post, you said you have not seen an ounce of effort on HER part. YOU WON'T. At least not until she STARTS seeing some of the changes SHE'S looking for. I know you talked about intimacy, but is that all? Intimacy is a big word. My W used it as well, and she wasn't talking about sex in our case (most WAW's will use it). You've got to find out what SHE means by it. It took me a lot of time asking questions to my W to find out what she meant by it....and now I am clear on what she means.

The reason I don't think you are clear on some things is because in a lot of your posts, you ask things like "why would she....."

My W and I did not draw up the agreement you are referring to in your case, but we did take care of some financial/legal stuff right when we separated. I think you're putting to much thought (actually worry) into that. Your W told you clearly that she wants it so that "IF" things don't work out...

My W told me she wanted a divorce, so anytime she said we should do something "in case" or "if", I took that as a sign of indecision or doubt on her part and I DID IT. I did not say anything like "what do you mean by "in case" or "if". I just listened to the words she used and was cooperative. In hindsight, I believe once some of the "paperwork" was started, it gave my W time to actually think about things. I get the impression that's part of what happened with Greek.

I know you aren't going to do it, but you thought about a letter to your W that was going to be about YOUR WANTS AND NEEDS IN MARRIAGE. She does not care right now about YOUR wants and needs in marriage. She cares about HERS. That's why she asks "what's changed".

I did write a short note to my W at one point. Was it pursuing? Probably so, but it did some good. In the note, I did not tell her a single thing I expected from her. All I did was ACKNOWLEDGED HER HURTS. I didn't ask for anything, not even forgiveness. I think I said "I'm sorry" once in the note, but other than that was just a note to put back to her in writing what she had been saying to me. From the note, she KNEW I was listening to HER.

I am not saying you should do that. In my case, I felt it was another way of letting her know I was listening. But it didn't include anything about what I wanted or needed.

The last thing I'm going to say here is kind of a guess or an assumption. It's based on reading back through some of your posts. I'm not a doctor and I don't play one on tv, but your anxiety and insomnia may be some indicators. I'll do it in the form of questions...

Are you a worrier?
Do you portray to your W that you are a worrier?
Do you think that's what she wants in a H?

The reason I ask if you are a worrier is that is the impression I get. The 4 day trip that your W took really stood out to me on that. My W has a few single friends and my W has a few divorced friends. If she told me she was going away for a few days or long weekend with them, I'd say "enjoy your time away". I have full confidence and trust in my W, even though we're separated.

If my W chose to have an A or go beyond what we've agreed are our marital boundaries, we'd cross that path IF and when it comes. Same thing if I did it. One thing I don't do is worry about it right now, because it hasn't happened. My time is much more productively spent on the things that my W has related to me that led to our "lack of intimacy". Does my mind ever wander to what she is doing? Yes, once in a while, but rarely. Truth is, for the most part I know what she is doing.

You know all the things that get posted about being confident, making decisions, being a leader, etc.

By the way, I think you overanalyzed the dinner invitation too. I respect Greek's advice as to what she thought, but I would have accepted. I don't know about your Thanksgiving ordeal. I know your separation was fresh at that time, but do you think YOUR worry about the situation caused any of the stress?

Again, this is my opinion, but I think the "action" your W might notice most from you is if you can tone down your worrying. If you have the opportunity to be around your W (like the dinner or something similar) and you can begin to show her that you are changing in this area, it might start to do some good. It will definitely help you.

I wrote a dang novel. Just my thoughts....
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/05/10 04:56 PM

Gm, thank for the detailed analysis of my pst few months.

Now I feel bad about contacting OW on the dating site. I haven't met with anyone yet but I am in friendly emails with someone.

My W knows I don't give up and she also knows I'm a gracious loser. I feel if I give it my all then I have nothing to be ashamed about. I am at that point, I have given my all and will give her what she wants and thats to meet to discus agreement.
I will ask her questions and listen to her replies.

I will also tell her I have been on the dating site. I have always been honest with her. Maybe if I open up to her about this info, she will open up about her episode.

I have a long weekend to pull my thoughts together.

I will lead, be confident and listen.
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/05/10 05:16 PM

Don't feel bad about the dating website...and don't overanalyze your decision there.

One of the things about a message board like this is you WILL get advice from both sides of the coin. Some will tell you that if your W walks out that GAL includes dating or finding someone else. Others will tell you that's not the way to go. You must decide for yourself.

You can tell her you were on dating website if you like, but I'm not sure that's the big issue here. If your W knows you want to reconcile and she knows YOU.

Again, I wonder if your W doesn't view you as a big worrier and that has worn her down. Can you start to show her you are changing in this area? Can you change in this area? Am I way off base?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/05/10 06:10 PM

Quote:
Again, I wonder if your W doesn't view you as a big worrier and that has worn her down. Can you start to show her you are changing in this area? Can you change in this area? Am I way off base?


I know I used to worry about a lot of things. I now have a handle on that problem. Through my self help readings I've learned not to worry about the things you can't control.

Thanks Gm.
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/05/10 06:45 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Now I feel bad about contacting OW on the dating site. I haven't met with anyone yet but I am in friendly emails with someone.


Take things as slow as you need to. There is nothing wrong w/being friendly w/AW. But should things progress further, meeting in person, etc, then you should be honest w/your date.

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
I will also tell her I have been on the dating site. I have always been honest with her. Maybe if I open up to her about this info, she will open up about her episode.


No, no, no. Telling W, under the guise of being 'honest' seems like a bad idea to me. To me, it comes across as weak, needy and manipulative. If you are on the site b/c you actively want to date, or see what's available, then you are doing it for the right reason. If you are doing it as a way to convey to W that you are moving on, you take the power out of the action by telling her about it. It seems to cement W's position that you will wait around for her as long as she wants.

If you have to announce that you are moving on, then you really aren't. You move forward by making the best decisions for you, w/o factoring W into the equation. I mean this in ways that do not concern your kids.

If your w has OM, or is having A, then it is safe to assume that you don't factor into her decision making process. Maintaining a healthy emotional distance, making choices based on your needs and wants is the way to go. You will not regain your W's respect by telling her that you are dating. You will get her attention by letting her find out, on her own, that you are dating.

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
I will lead, be confident and listen.


Good. Let your W do 90% of the talking. Be calm, cool, collected. If your W asks what you are up to, be vague, be brief, and get her back to talking about herself.

Good luck! smile
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/05/10 07:10 PM

RNM-


Quote:
You will get her attention by letting her find out, on her own, that you are dating.

Got it. No talk about moving on my actions already said that to her b/c her friend saw me on the site.

I have nothing to be ashamed of by going on the site. There are a lot a ways to meet people. What's the difference between chat on line through email and talkingto someone at a bar?
I have no chance on "hooking up" on line that night where as she has and did.

You meet someone in Florida and you hook up with them? I think she is still insecure with her looks. She tells mutual friend she still has it. I hope hope she didn't get anything;)

cool as a cucumber....
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/05/10 07:48 PM

I hope you have got your worrying under control. Based on your posts, you were beside yourself knowing your W was taking a trip with the friend you don't approve of.

Like Coach said, you have to know you will be OK either way since your W's decision is hers to make.

As an example, if it were me, I would have two goals in mind when I met with my W like you are going to.
1) To get a more clear picture of how she's feeling. This is done by questioning (not interrogating, but conversational questioning) and listening.
2) To have her leave the meeting thinking something like "Gr8day's demeanor seemed different. He's doesn't seem all worried like he usually does".

At first she'll think something like, "well that won't last". You've got to keep it up and make it become the new you.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/05/10 07:57 PM

Thanks for the advice GM.
I will definetely follow those two points.

I like the questioning to find out more about her feelings toward the R.

Any questions you think I should ask that might reveal more??

Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/05/10 08:17 PM

Only you will know how bold you can be in your questioning and what you really want to find out.

Questions I have asked...

"W, how has our separation helped you?"

"W, in what ways do you still feel anger toward me?"

"W, in what ways do you feel less angry toward me?"

These questions were not necessarily all in the same conversation, but I have received answers to all of them.

Most of the time, for a WAW, the anger has turned to resentment (thus they have walked away from their M), so she may spend quite a bit of time on the ways she still feels anger toward you. Listen attentively, don't get defensive, and don't worry. After you leave, consider if that's a change you can start making, or perhaps you aren't ready to make.

In my case, there have been about 3 or 4 conversations over about a month span that helped get us where we are now. I should point out that in our most productive conversations, my W called me and said we need to get together and talk.
Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/05/10 08:51 PM

Quote:
Any questions you think I should ask that might reveal more??



Why do you feel _____________?

How could I make you feel more______________?


How can I support you in_______________?
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/05/10 09:59 PM

Coach's questions are excellent also. With questions, let the conversation move naturally. If you can see a common thread for the sample questions I gave you, and the ones Coach gave you, they tend to have the words "you" and "feel" in them....with the "you" being Mrs. Gr8day.

I guess the questions came fairly natural to me, Gr8day. I REALLY wanted to know how my W felt. I know if our M is to not only survive, but thrive, I NEED to know her answers to those questions.
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/05/10 10:00 PM

....also notice the questions don't just require a yes/no answer.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/06/10 02:01 PM

Thanks guys you have given me some good insightful questions to ask.
We really need to get some R talk in b/c I don't want to lose what little love I have for my W. I feel it can be revived but also feel that once it's gone. it's gone for good.

I see now how affirs start. Some else shows attention to you that you haven't seen in awhile and bam....

I am receiving plenty attention from OW and need to speak to W so I know where we stand.

I spoke to our mutual friend and she has asked me not to mention the "Hook up" on vacation. I will honor her request.
What advantage point would I gain by revealing I know??

Monday can't get here quick enough.
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/06/10 02:13 PM

Yes, affairs are dangerous.

Do NOT bring up your W's "hookup", for two reasons at this point.
1) It's gossip and YOU have no actual proof
2) YOU need to show YOURSELF that you can quit worrying about it

Monday's meeting is for you to have a conversation with your W to find out how SHE'S feeling and what SHE wants. That will help you decide on boundaries that you need and decisions you can make.

Be conversational with questions and don't worry. I'm going to harp on you just a little here to drive home a point that I see in you. You say "Monday can't get here quick enough".

There's an element of worry in there. Revisit Coach's quote. YOU will be OK no matter what happens.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/06/10 02:28 PM

Quote:
There's an element of worry in there. Revisit Coach's quote. YOU will be OK no matter what happens.


Gm I think your right. I have a sense of worry. Although it's not about W ending it, I have accepted that outcome, it's about me persuing OW.

I have made a transition from this can't be happenig to me to
this is a natural part of life. People get D all the time. If/when I am in that category I will survive and adapt.

Right now the most important thing is to talk to W and feel her out.

I won't bring up OM stuff. If she wants to go that way that's fine, I will not be apart of an open M.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/06/10 03:07 PM

I was thinking I made a mistake when I emailed her about the meeting.

I said in the email we should meet to discuss our post-marital agreement.

I should have said: we need to meet to talk about things.

But that's already done with.

Enjoying the day!
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/06/10 04:09 PM

Gr8day

I'll share a piece of my own story with you.

My W calls one day and says she needs information for the divorce paperwork. We talk a few minutes, then agree to meet.

When we meet, we spend about five or ten minutes on the information that was needed, or the "agenda item" if you will. We spend the next hour or better talking about goals, our M issues, and what she was thinking about. Some of our talk was about the future, and it was stuff that neither of us had even considered or thought about until THAT DAY.

Now, did anything change that day? No. But both of us left that discussion thinking about things.

Several days later, she calls me to go to dinner. Wants to discuss us getting into MC.

My point to you is this. Don't think small. Your agenda is the post marital agreement. From a big view, the question is this. Is there any possibility that a post marital agreement will not be needed after all?

That question may not, and probably won't be, answered in your meeting. After our meeting was done, my W heard two things from me that influenced her. One was that the things I said let her know I had been listening to her. The other thing was my sincerity to try to implement those things for ME, for HER, and for US.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/06/10 04:45 PM

GM,

When we meet should we get down to business first? The agreement?
Then go into R talk or R talk first?

I want to have the best game plan to increase my chances.

The last talk we had in February she started off be saying we should seek legal C then we talk for 1.5 hours.

That was our last real talk. I have been GAL and NC her since.
We haven't discussed anything. NOTHING.

She said she would contact me for the meeting but that never came. I made the suggest we to discuss the agreement.
I wanted to show her I'm OK either way.

I will ask some of the questions suggested to me to feel her out.

I suggested we me b/c I want to oppurtuniy to show her I am adifferent person.

What if she brings up the fact that I am on the dating site?
I think I know the answer. I haven't done anything yet and most likely won't until I know which way the M will turn out.

I will write my thoughts down and be prepared for the meeting.
It may lead to other meetings.
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/06/10 05:04 PM

In my case, we got down to business first....and that basically led us into "is this what we really want to do?".

Again, my W's answer was basically still that she wanted the divorce. In our case, she started rethinking if it was what she wanted to do AFTER the meeting. She might have had second thoughts while we were talking, but she didn't disclose them then. She spent several days thinking about our talk and then said she was ready for MC.

We are not reconciled (which I know will be a whole process in itself), but my W is not ignoring me or pushing me away.

I can not answer your question about the dating site other than what I think I would do. The only thing that comes to mind is to ask her "how it makes her feel that you would be on a dating website", but that's just my thought.

You will best show her you are OK either way by not being worried and just being conversational.
Posted By: mza8

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/06/10 05:08 PM

Hi Gr8, been following your latest posts. I like some of the questions that Coach and Glimmerman have suggested. I agree that you ask questions that require your W to give more than a yes or no answer.

Sounds like you know what you want to talk about at the meeting. Stay cool, calm and confident. I like how you will handle the dating website topic if she mentions it. I think that a good way to handle it. I also think it's good to write your thoughts down so you don't forget anything you want to discuss.

Just wanted to wish you good luck at your meeting on Monday!
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/06/10 05:10 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
I was thinking I made a mistake when I emailed her about the meeting.

I said in the email we should meet to discuss our post-marital agreement.

I should have said: we need to meet to talk about things.

But that's already done with.

Enjoying the day!


No, the e-mail is exactly right. You need to talk about the post marital. You want to talk about things. Put your wants aside for a bit, until your W is at least conducive to hearing them.

I think your best bet is talk about the practical p-m things, w/o bringing up R/M. If your W does, listen, listen, listen. Let her do the bulk of the talking. Validate - I see, I understand, etc. Let W do the talking about her needs, wants, etc.
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/06/10 05:17 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

What if she brings up the fact that I am on the dating site?
I think I know the answer. I haven't done anything yet and most likely won't until I know which way the M will turn out.


If this was me, and my H said anything to me about dating, I would say: H, you chose to end this M. That being the case, I am free to date as I see fit. I do not pry into your personal affairs and expect the same respect and consideration that I've shown you.

But that's me, and I'm currently not having too difficult a time maintaining the hard line ...
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/06/10 05:31 PM

Ruined_No_More

I appreciate your persective and have a couple of questions for you. I agree that Gr8day needs to put aside his wants.

Are you saying to only talk about something other than the post-marital agreement if his W brings it up?

If Gr8day only talks about the post-marital agreement, how should he communicate that he may be interested in something other than that?

Gr8day has received advice from both Coach and I on questions he can ask his W to try to get her talking about the R/M. Do you feel he should not do that?
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/06/10 05:47 PM

Originally Posted By: Glimmerman
Ruined_No_More

I appreciate your persective and have a couple of questions for you. I agree that Gr8day needs to put aside his wants.

Are you saying to only talk about something other than the post-marital agreement if his W brings it up?

If Gr8day only talks about the post-marital agreement, how should he communicate that he may be interested in something other than that?

Gr8day has received advice from both Coach and I on questions he can ask his W to try to get her talking about the R/M. Do you feel he should not do that?


Hi G,

I think it's best to allow W to bring up R/M. Allow her to talk about her needs/wants, as opposed to "yes, but ... this is what I want". Listen to W, validate, if need be, repeat what W has said so as to confirm that the message W was delivering was the message that Gr8t received.

In my sitch, when H voiced his complaints, that is what I did. Also said, H, I understand why you feel that way. I think that our problems can be resolved and the M made stronger, but I understand you don't think that is a possibility at this time. I've repeated that line a few times over the course of the sitch.

I don't think beating the WA over the head w/your desire to repair M is productive. You express the sentiment occasionally. The WAS knows you don't want D.

I don't think Gr8t should refrain from R/M talk. If W initiates it, he should listen to W. Make it about her and not himself. Not necessarily bring it up himself, but be receptive if/when W does.

Hope that clarifies. smile
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/06/10 05:51 PM

Wow thanks for the posts.

All this happen at once:

1. I just received a call from W. She had the kids call me. She is on 2nd shift so she has them until 330 until her mom comes over.
Anyway, this is the first time she called me for the kids. I didn't speak to her but the fact that she called from them was interesting.

2. Received an email stating the flowers I order for MIL were delivered.

3. the one woman I am in contact with through emails on the dating site emails me more info about her.

MZA8 I read your sitch about the flowers, I did send some to W, although I sent them from the kids to her for Mothers Day. I did that last week and forgot about it until I received the delivery confirmation.

W may have them today.

GM
"I can not answer your question about the dating site other than what I think I would do. The only thing that comes to mind is to ask her "how it makes her feel that you would be on a dating website", but that's just my thought."

I want to make her Feel/Say - Wow I can't believe he's really looking for someone else. I thought he would never seek OW, maybe he's seriously thinking about moving on. I may lose him if I don't do something to get his attention."

This is want I would like to happen.

RNM-
your right the agreement needs to be taken care of. This also shows her I'm manning up to the situation.

I think my b*lls are getting bigger.

What do you think about this question:
Where you see yourself on 5 years?
or
Where do you see us in 5 years?

I know my answer to the first Q.

That's my plan for now.


If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/06/10 05:57 PM

you guys are fast.
I'm posting the same time and seeing more posts.

RNM, I see your point about let her bring up R/M talk.

What I was thinking was more about what I want out of a healthy R. If it's with her great if not it WILL be with someone else.
That's the extent of R talk I was thinking.
If W does bring it up I will listen validate and ask opened ended questions.

I don't want to talk about the past, I want to talk about a positive future and solution based ideas
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/06/10 07:16 PM

Gr8day

A few bits I will add (feel free to subtract them if you disagree)

First, make sure that "enlarging down south" that you feel is not actually pent up frustration. Your W will detect that.

Be careful again about bringing up what YOU want. You just mentioned that in your last post. In my view, the purpose of this meeting for YOU needs to be to find out more about what your W wants.

I don't think you need to tell her what you want in a healthy relationship. If she asks, fine. Even when my W asked me a question, I usually gave a fairly short answer, then asked "what about you?"

In my opinion, you will need (at least at some point) to talk about the past. Most likely it will come up pretty naturally anyway, since you are separated. In my case, the best advice I can give is when talking about the past, affirm your W's feelings and don't get defensive. It will hurt to hear some of it again (and again), but it lets you know what some of the true sticking points are to HER.

Some things you'll think "wow! isn't she over that", or "I don't even remember that". But she does, and they seem very repetitive to her.

I personally would not ask the 5 year question. At this meeting, it will probably not include both of you.

Here's more along the lines of what happened with us. My W started talking about some job frustration. So I asked if she would rather be doing something else. That led into a pretty long conversation and some "what if's" started to surface.

Simply put, you don't need to talk about what you want very much. Only if it's part of the natural conversation, OR if it's a point the two of you easily AGREE on.

And, as I think about it, R/M talk is going to come in this conversation anyway. After all, that's what the post marital agreement is addressing.

I would think it WOULD be OK to affirm what she said several weeks ago. In HER view, is the post marital agreement something she wants in place so that it's done IF the two of you don't work out?

I wouldn't bring up ANY of the dating stuff for you or her. This meeting is about your M.

And, I agree with Ruined_No_More....with how you feel, don't say "yes, but....". That tells her you disregarded what she said.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/06/10 07:39 PM

GM points well taken.

I have a good grasp about the meeting now.
Thanks for everyones help.
I f anything comes up between now and Monday I'll post.

As for me GAL Friday night! wooo whooo
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/06/10 07:51 PM

I just received text message from W.
Thanking me for the Flowers from the kids.

I feel for her to contact me twice in one day is big for her.

I am not getting excited just stating a fact.

She's off Friday nights and has the kids. If she calls tomorrow night then I will definitely feel that she thinks she's losing me.

Another thought I forget to mention.

I know I would set the boundary of not being in an open M,

Is there a boundary for not seeing her girl friend whom I despise??

Truthfully, I really do not want her in her life if we reconcile. It's like I'm dealing with a OM sort of thing.

Thoughts on this would be appreciated
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/06/10 09:19 PM

You are really in no position to tell her who she can't see.

I posted this elsewhere, and may have already told you about it. I had something similar. My W has a friend who I think is a bad influence. My W told me about a couple of their conversations, and I realized that, at least in my case, my W was making her OWN decisions.

Her friend, like most friends, will encourage her to do what SHE (your W) wants to do. If your W wants a divorce, her friend will emotionally affirm her. If your W wants to stay married, her friend will emotionally affirm her.

Your W will have her own set of boundaries with her friends. There is another thread on this board titled started by Bummedout. If you haven't read it, please do. It will give you great input by a lot of posters on this board about this very subject.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/06/10 09:36 PM

Thanks gm I'll check that thread out.
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/06/10 11:50 PM

I saw your post on that thread. As you know, I will just give you my impressions based on what I read, and you can think about it and do what you like.

In an earlier post, you were second guessing yourself on the dating website. In post in the other forum, you seem happy that you did. My question to you is this...are you more excited about meeting someone else, or are you more excited that your W might know that you did?

To me, your anger toward your W shows. I hope you get what you are looking for out of your meeting on Monday. I know it's felt like a long ride.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/07/10 11:10 AM

GM,

thanks for your perspective.

Quote:
In an earlier post, you were second guessing yourself on the dating website. In post in the other forum, you seem happy that you did. My question to you is this...are you more excited about meeting someone else, or are you more excited that your W might know that you did?


I guess I a second guessing the website b/c it feels so strange to thinking about dating again,
I would say I am excited about both. Others showing interest in me definitely is exciting and that fact that my W knows may be the wake up cal she needs to see. I don't know but she as made conatct w/ me more this week after she found out the info.

I am not angry with W, maybe it appears that way b/c I don't have any feelings towards her at all right now.
After 8 months of rejection I feel the only thing I can do is to make her think I'm moving on. I will be friendly towards her and agree with her at the meeting.

As for Monday, I'm not sure what I want right now except for another piece to this puzzle.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/07/10 01:58 PM

Just playing out the whole meeting on Monday in my head.

How should I respond to this interaction?

W: I think going through with D would be the best thing.

Me: I agree with you.

W: Now, don't put this all on me

Me: ? Suggestions here ?..........

how should I respond to something like that?

She has pulled this before, when we talked. I asked her if she wantedto D early in the process and she said it would probably be the best thing.
I said if that's what YOU want.
Then she pulls the "don't put this all on me".
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/07/10 03:29 PM

I know what you mean on the rejection thing. My C helped me with that early on. I told him that and his feedback was that in my W's mind, she felt "rejected" in the M. You know your W, so think about that and if you think she might have felt rejected in the M (again from her view), then it can help you deal with your feeling of rejection.

I have not been separated as long as you have, so I don't want to pretend I have all the answers for you. I can just let you know what helped MY perspective, which is putting myself in my W's shoes when I get angry or depressed about things, and understanding that she FEELS she put up with this for a long time. Doing that has helped me with patience and understanding.

You read sometimes that a WAW will "rewrite history". There is some truth to that, but what I have found is it's more like they "exaggerate history". As other posters have said, this is their feelings and emotions at work. I have noticed that my W's emotions are toning down. A few months ago, you used the phrases "you always..." and "you never....". She is not doing that near as much now. She also had no willingness for C then, and does now.

As far as responding to "don't put this all on me", let's see if you get some other responses. I would probably just ask her "w, what do you mean by that?". Her answer will probably give you insight into the things that caused your separation in her eyes. You can use her answer to gauge how things might have changed over the time that has gone by.

When your W said "I think divorce is the best thing", you said "I agree with you". That's fine with me and that advice is given on this board. I am not going to disagree with it, it's just not what I did. Instead of saying "I agree", I asked "why do you think that?" or just "why?". Then, based on her answer, if you then want to say "I agree", then go for it. I wanted to know more of what she was feeling, so I ASKED.

From my perspective, anytime I was not sure how to respond to something, or if I simply was not ready to respond to it yet, I put it back to my W in the form of a question.

"Why do you ask?"
"What do you mean?"
"I hadn't thought about it that way, what do you think?"

She is probably saying "don't put this all on me" because she feels you are not taking responsibility as her H for why she feels like she wants to divorce.

I can remember one time my W talking about our divorce paperwork. I don't even remember the question she asked me, but my response was something like "is this really the best thing to do?" She said something like "what else can we do?" I said "well, let's talk about that". And we did....led into a great discussion.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/07/10 04:21 PM

GM
Quote:
I know what you mean on the rejection thing. My C helped me with that early on. I told him that and his feedback was that in my W's mind, she felt "rejected" in the M. You know your W, so think about that and if you think she might have felt rejected in the M (again from her view), then it can help you deal with your feeling of rejection.



I totally understand this now. Since I was always worrying and on edge most of the time we weren't close physically. I accept my part on this however she would be in a bad mood and not treat me kindly then she would want to be intimate. Well after being treated like crap I wasn't in the mood to give back.
And so the cycle was developed. She told me she felt rejected when I there for her physically.

I understand her point and when I emailed her to meet I added a PS that stated " PS. I know excatly all the feelings you have had over this past year. I have felt them too now."

I have felt her reject every move I made that's why I feel I'm totally detached from the situation now. I am not angery just not worrying any more about what W thinks.

What I was doing before wasn't working so I thought I try something else.

I do like the WHY questions. I will agree with her and then ask the why Q.

Asking questions will be beneficial to helping understand where her mind is now.

Check back, I might have more thought to run by you.
gr8
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/09/10 10:27 PM

Journal Entry.

W drops kids off today and I thought it was going to snow in the house it was so cold.

I think tomorrow's meeting is going to show me she definitely wants out. But we see, it will give me an opportunity to learn more about her feelings.

I'll post an update tomorrow afternoon.
Any last minute advice?
Posted By: beingreal

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/10/10 02:58 AM

None. I just wanted you to know that I'll be thinking of you & hoping that this all turns out the way it is supposed to.

Be strong...
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/10/10 03:58 PM

OK,
meeting adjourned.

Sat down with W and I let her talk first. She opens buy talking about kids school and that she feels they should go to school near her. Which led into she would want to have them
M-F.
Wasn't to happy about this so I said I would think about it.

Then the division of assets.
This went OK, we pretty much divided our investments/debts and I mentioned the inheritance money I recieved was not part f the division and she agreed, which shows me see did her research or LC. I then mention since her name is on the mortgage and I have been paying it for the past 8 months that she owed her half and she agreed to that.

Then R talk happened, she feel I was putting things in her face so I asked her what she meant by that.
She says I heard you were saying to people I was seeing someone. I told her that wasn't true, I NEVER said that, what I said was I would be surprised if you were seeing someone. Then proceeded to say I don't know who you go out with and it's none of my business.
Then she bring up the dating site saying I clicked on her friend. I did just to see her profile. Well since I was new I didn't realize members can see everyone who clicks on their profile andI told her the same thing.
I was doing go their to put this in her face, I went there to check things out.

Then stuff from before came up. She said she hasn't forgiven about the loneliness. Then she brings up that she feels like we had this convosation 5 time before.
She knows of all the changes I made and acknowledged them.
SHe also took blame for her part in the R. I thank her for admitting that.

Other stuff was said but it essentially came down to her saying that it takes two peole to want to make R work.
Then she saids I need to want to be with you. Then adds I DON"T want to be with you. I asked if she want a D and she says yes.
I ask do you think this is the best thing to do? Again YES.

So I say I just want you to be happy so if this is what you want then let's do it.

So all my efforts to save M and improve myself has not been successful. But now I know where I stand and that is by myself and enjoying my new improved outlook on life.

I will take all I've learned from this process to continue to better myself and grow as a person. I may not have saved my M but I saved myself.

Now I know some direction for my life.

thank you all for following and advising on my sitch.

I will contine to post as more legal stuff comes up.

GR8
Posted By: SMM23

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/10/10 04:36 PM

WOW...I SOOO see this exact conversation happening with my W. My thoughts are with you!!! I totally understand and would not be surprised if I hear a carbon copy of these words in the near future. Hope you are OK, I do not know how I will be able to deal with it.

But do not forget the changes you made in yourself are for YOU!!! Not her. As I have seen so many times on here, you improve yourself for that very reason. But also with the hopes that it helps in reconnecting with W. So take your changes and keep going. If you end up in a D, then take your changes and keep helping yourself. If some day you want to get into a new R, then it will help there.

Good Luck man!!!
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/10/10 05:22 PM

Thanks SMM23,

I have no regrets on what I did to save M. I am proud of myself for making the changes for me and although I would have liked to reconcile, I am OK with the decision. The help I received here ans from IC and DB coaches of made me a better and stronger person.

When I decide to get into another R I now have the tools I need to be successful.

Closure is a good thing, no more limboland.
Posted By: beingreal

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/10/10 07:04 PM

(((gr8)))

I know this didn't the way you had hoped, but I'm glad you are finding some peace with it.

Quote:
I will take all I've learned from this process to continue to better myself and grow as a person. I may not have saved my M but I saved myself.


THIS is what makes your future bright & wide open.

Please keep us posted on how it's going.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/11/10 06:38 PM

During meeting W asked if she could have kids M-F and I'll have them on the weekends. How Convenient.
I said I would think about it and I did. I emailed her back saying that we should split the kids 50/50. That's what we do now. D5 will be going to school in fall so W thought it would be best for her to goto school near her since she works second shift and would be able to take them to school.

I said I don't work at night so I would be able to be there for them to do homework and school events.

Anyone have any advice on legal stuff??

What should I be looking for and aware of??
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/12/10 04:01 AM

I don't have any advice for you on that stuff, just wanted to say I'm sorry to hear that divorce is her answer. I know you have prepared yourself for it, but still wanted to say I'm sorry to hear about it.

Your W said she was unable to forgive you on certain things. I feel bad for her on this. When someone can't forgive, my belief is that is harms them more than the person they can't forgive.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/12/10 01:43 PM

Thanks GM

It's not what I wanted but I did expect it.

Quote:
When someone can't forgive, my belief is that is harms them more than the person they can't forgive.


I agree with this too and was thinking about it this morning driving to work.

She will have a hard time in her next R.

I forgive her for what she has done to me and understand the way she felt.

This has helped me to proceed with my life.

I guess the good news is that I know there are plenty of woman out there and I have learned so much about a healthy R.

I joined that dating website to see what's out there. W thought I was doing it to put it in her face.
She just doesn't get it. It's not about her, it's about me.

It's a good way to meet some nice people. I kno what you're thinking: Don't jump into a R so soon.

I agree, although there's nothing wrong with sharing time with someone with common interests.

Time to regroup & rebuild and focus on the kids, there are going to need more love and attention now. And I know I'm a great father.

I'll update some more about the legal stuff.
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/12/10 02:35 PM

Sounds good. I hope all goes well and you will make good decisions.

Even though she has told you what she wants, know that even that can change over time. There are stories about how 6-12 months after a divorce, the spouse who wanted the divorce so bad realizes that EVERY relationship has it's faults and perhaps yours weren't so bad after all.

Not saying that will happen, just saying it does happen.

I come from a Christian perspective, so my belief is that forgiveness is essential to any relationship.
Posted By: PEI

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/12/10 02:51 PM

(((gr8)))

Sorry to hear your W isn't ready to do the work it'll take to make her happy and accept ownership of her life and emotions. It's her loss at this point and you should be very proud of yourself for all that you have accomplished.

I heard someone say that resentment and lack of forgiveness are like a poison that you drink and expect someone else to die .... your W is only hurting herself by witholding forgiveness.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/12/10 07:35 PM

GM,

I thought about that too. I have heard stories were couples get D and reconnect.

Personally I don't think it's going to happen but I will never say never. Only God knows for sure.

I one girl that I speaking through emails theough from the dating site has the same name as my W. That's too weird. LOL
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/13/10 04:31 PM

Thanks for the hugs PEI.

Quote:
I heard someone say that resentment and lack of forgiveness are like a poison that you drink and expect someone else to die .... your W is only hurting herself by witholding forgiveness.


This is someone's tagline. I liked this one too.

I DO feel proud of myself knowing I tried to do everything possible to save my M.

I am a success story! I have overcome the most painful event in my life!
That's my tag line.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/16/10 10:25 PM

Found out through our mutual friend this weekend that W called her after our meeting last Monday and was crying as she left a message.

Really? After I asked her if she wanted a D and said YES, and I asked her if this is the best thing and again she said YES.

Why in the world would she be calling her crying?

Not only does she not get it, I think she's nuts now.

I told our friend that it will take a miracle for her to win ME back.
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/16/10 10:37 PM

Probably not nuts...but possibly unsure.

This may not be over.

Since she has already said divorce is what she wants. Think about giving her a call. Check in on her. This could be a time for you to show her compassion and see what happens?

If your mutual friend would be OK with it, let your W know you've talked with mutual friend. Even for the spouse who "thinks" divorce is what they really want, it can still greatly affect them.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/17/10 01:11 PM

GM

I think she's just upset that it has to this. Mutual friend said W's mom is giving her the cold shoulder b/c she thinks W gave up too soon.
I told mutual friend that W will have to work on herself and I can't help her with that.

I'm have no regrets doing what I did. This process made me a better person and gave me a new outlook on life.

I haven't been this happy in a long time.

We'll see what develops.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/19/10 01:40 PM

GM,

What did you mean by this?
Quote:
This could be a time for you to show her compassion and see what happens?


You're saying for me to call her?
What would I say? I already asked her to Qs and she told me with an Emphatic Yes's to D and the best thing for us.

I don't want to be the guy who beats the dead horse here. I get it,she does not want to be with me.

Just wondering what you were thinking about what might happen.
Thanks, gr8
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/19/10 02:33 PM

Most likely, nothing different will happen, but I'd say there is also absolutely nothing to lose if you did call her.

I would not even talk about the relationship or divorce. If you are comfortable, and your mutual friend wouldn't care, I'd say something like this.

"W, "mutual friend" told me you called her and you were crying. I understand how you are hurting and just wanted to let you know that I am here to listen should you need that. I have no expectations that you will need to, but just know that you can call me"

Something close to that, however you are comfortable and IF you are comfortable. I think this tells her two things. You are giving her the freedom to change her mind, and either way you feel for her.

You may not want to, and that's OK. There is nothing to lose now that doesn't already seem lost.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/19/10 03:52 PM

Thanks GM.
I will contact mutual friend to get an update.
Iam not going to betray her trust with the onfo see hasgiven me. I already asked her if I could bring up the OM when she was on VACA and our friend said not to bring it up, so I didn't.

I'll ask her again about this.
Stay posted.
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/19/10 04:00 PM

How do YOU feel about the credibility of this mutual friend? She has told you about a "possible" OM and she has told you that your W called her crying. These stories are both possible, but is this mutual friend a drama queen?
Posted By: v1olin

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/19/10 04:00 PM

Showing compassion in this case, if I am not mistaken, would be for you to give her what she wants. "Wife,I don't want a divorce but if that is what you need then I will not stand in the way of your happiness."


Yes, it is counter-intuitive but a lot of DB is.
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/19/10 04:05 PM

v1olin

Been a while...hope your doing well considering your circumstances.

Gr8day can fill you in, but he recently had the chat with her about the divorce.
Posted By: v1olin

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/19/10 04:08 PM

Yes, I have been reading. I will check again.
Posted By: v1olin

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/19/10 04:14 PM

Ok, I see that Gr8 has already told her essentialy the same thing I advised. It has only been a little over a week since then though and I would say that it has already caused a slight change in his wife.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/19/10 05:21 PM

GM
Quote:
How do YOU feel about the credibility of this mutual friend? She has told you about a "possible" OM and she has told you that your W called her crying. These stories are both possible, but is this mutual friend a drama queen?


She is a viable source and a good friend to me. She as seen all the changes I have made too and even pointed them out to W.
She has been wanting us to work things out. She too was almost a WAW but decided to work on M. After her H(my good friend) saw what my W did he woke up and things have gotten better for them.

I haven't broken my marital vows.....yet. That's why I wanted to meet w/ W.

I asked her is she wanted a divorce she said yes, I asked her if she thinks this is the best thing to do, again she said yes.

I agreed, saying if this is what you want, then I am OK with it.

Since the meeting I haven't thought about my M one bit.
I have accepted that things don't always work out.

Quote:
It has only been a little over a week since then though and I would say that it has already caused a slight change in his wife.


Knowing my W she is not one to make an important decision w/o weighing the pros and cons.
I FEEL she has done this and wants what she said.

During meeting she also she that "if we were to get back together we wouldn't last. We would revert back to our old ways. We bring out the worst of each other."

She also mention her work schedule, She works second shift and doesn't feel we could make it work because of our schedules.

Am I missing soemthing here?

I just spoke to mutual friend and W hasn't contacted her again about the meeting.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/21/10 07:46 PM

Quote:
Ok, I see that Gr8 has already told her essentialy the same thing I advised. It has only been a little over a week since then though and I would say that it has already caused a slight change in his wife.


v1olin,

Could be but nothing came of it this week. W never got in touch W mutual friend.

I really feel my W has checked out of the M. NO desire what so ever to work on it.

If you see something else please enlighten me.

Thanks, Gr8
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/25/10 06:24 PM

Journaling.

It's been a week and a half since the meeting. Nothing from W.
She even knows I'm on the dating site and that hasn't shaken her one bit. Oh well, at least I'm meeting some really nice woman.
I have accepted the outcome.

Refelcting back on M, W and I didn't have too much in common along the lines of hobbies and interests. We did share common beliefs about parenting and what we wanted as a family.

I am meeting women now that have the same interests as me and I feel more comfortable seeing them and being myself.

I'm not jumping into a R right now, but it's nice to go out with someone and share common interests.
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/27/10 09:35 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
Journaling.

It's been a week and a half since the meeting. Nothing from W.
She even knows I'm on the dating site and that hasn't shaken her one bit. Oh well, at least I'm meeting some really nice woman.
I have accepted the outcome.

Refelcting back on M, W and I didn't have too much in common along the lines of hobbies and interests. We did share common beliefs about parenting and what we wanted as a family.

I am meeting women now that have the same interests as me and I feel more comfortable seeing them and being myself.

I'm not jumping into a R right now, but it's nice to go out with someone and share common interests.


Yup, sure is!
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/28/10 02:18 PM

I'm not saying life is greener on the other side but when you have no choice and your're put in a certain situation, you need to make the best of that situation.

Still GAL and spending more q-time with attractive women. Continuing to learn more about myself each day.
Life's not so bad once you get through the darkness!
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 05/29/10 09:45 PM

Totally agree with you. The alternative is to stay stuck, and that isn't healthy. Part of moving forward with your life is dating and interacting w/the opposite sex.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/01/10 02:04 PM

Quote:
Totally agree with you. The alternative is to stay stuck, and that isn't healthy. Part of moving forward with your life is dating and interacting w/the opposite sex

Hey Ruined,
Are you finding that the guys you meet up with get clingy?

I have gone out on three different occassions and they all same to want to lock down so fast.
In fact the first one I told I had another date and she got PO'd saying to me that we should go our separate ways. Well you know what, I validated her feelings and agreed with her.
4 days later she texts me stating she was wrong and wanted to see me again.

WTH, Are women in my age bracket looking to just jump into a serious R?

The second one is now doing the same thing. I have a feeling she will contcat me next week too.

Talk about about pandoras box being opened up! LOL
Posted By: TimeHeals

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/01/10 02:10 PM

Quote:
I validated her feelings and agreed with her.
4 days later she texts me stating she was wrong and wanted to see me again.

WTH, Are women in my age bracket looking to just jump into a serious R?


Speaking as somebody who had commitment issues until after age 40...

I noticed that the dating pool was getting flakier and flakier as I got older because more and more of the women in the dating pool were carrying some major baggage.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/01/10 02:30 PM

Quote:
I noticed that the dating pool was getting flakier and flakier as I got older because more and more of the women in the dating pool were carrying some major baggage.


I have accepted that the women I will be seeing will have Kids.
I'm OK with that, my friend warned me that the women I go out with will be attached immediately. I didn't believe him at first but now I do.

I would actually prefer to go out with a Divorced lady my age than a 40yo who has never been married.

I need a break from this dating scene.

I am wrong to think that women what sex as much as men?
Posted By: TimeHeals

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/01/10 02:52 PM

Quote:
I am wrong to think that women what sex as much as men?


Some women want sex more than most men. I hope you are looking for more than just sex though.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/01/10 03:01 PM

Quote:
I hope you are looking for more than just sex though.

I have really enjoyed the companionship and since I was in a relatively sexless marriage, it is important in a R.

I have many common interests with the 2 women I have spent time with. I'm not going out with them just to score. But it's nice to contact with someone who like the same activities you do and what's wrong with sharing same intimate moment too.

I am totally honest with them when I meet them stating I'm not looking to get M anytime soon. I have too much pride in myself to go out and just sleep with someone. that's just not me.
However I am getting a vibe from women thatthey come onto you sexually then they feel you should be with only them moving forward.
I feel they put out their sexuality from the start in hopes to secure a guy they like.
JUst what I have noticed the pass 3 weeks.
Posted By: TimeHeals

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/01/10 03:07 PM

Well, then go slower.

Multiple sex partners is very risky behavior anyway.

If you are up front and honest about what you are up to and not leading anybody on, that's good. They can make their own decissions.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/01/10 03:54 PM

TH

Well the second one just emailed me and thanked me for my honesty. She wished me a nice vacation and looks forward to talking when I get back.
Now I have two interested in me after I thought they both were moving on.

After reading all these R books suggested here I am still no closer to understanding women.

Thank goodness I'm going away for the rest of the week. I need some alone time to process all this info.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/07/10 03:35 PM

Journaling,

I was o vacation last week and received an email from D5 school stating she needs a picture of yourself for scholl today. Since W has the kids and is dropping them off at school, I forward the email to her and follow it up with a text.

W call me at work today stating she needed a baby picture and is at the house to get one. W asked where the photo album was and I said I don't know. Then she get all POed stating she didn't know it was a baby picture she needed. I told her I didn't know either b/c the email didn't specify it.

Then she goes and says that every time she has to do something with the kids at school she feels she's in the dark.

Maybe it's b/c I am the one who takes them and picks them up each week.

I think she is angery b/c she has no clue about the kids life at school and is taking it out on me.

Can't believe she's being such a B!och.

And here I was still thinking things could possibly work out.
I think she is completely done and I need to focus on moving forward with life without her.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/08/10 06:56 PM

Coach are you still lurking on my sitch?
gucci or others too?

If so you wrote on Hea sitch that W's anger is your friend.
Is is true even when we have discussed post marital arrangement? She was angry at me yesterday for something I had no control over. Then S2 got hurt at school and was taken to the doctor. she called to inform me.
I picked the kids up after school yesterday.

W emails me today asking how S2 was feeling.

I am totally not reading into this. Just a concerned mom wondering about S, RIGHT?

I have accepted W's notion for D and I have moved on.

I do have an appraiser coming this week to value the house so we can figure out numbers for the post marital agreement.

Any thoughts?

thanks, gr8
Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/08/10 07:15 PM

Anger means she still is emotionally involved with you. Numb is bad means she has shut her emotions off to you. Men don't like negative emotions that's why we want to fix things, avoid them or move on. Women and negative emotions (anger) means she has something she is feeling and wants to discuss with you. Solution - don't worry about how she feels it will change once she can vent it with you. She wants to know you are tough enough to handle her emotions. Let her know when something bad happens its you letting her into your day, she wants to know you can handle problems. In the past how did you handle problems with her?

Keep her informed of how your son is doing and how you are dealing with it. Keep her up to speed on the appraisers and how you are getting the house ready to sell. Lead it's attractive.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/08/10 07:33 PM

Thanks Coach.

Quote:
In the past how did you handle problems with her?

Keep her informed of how your son is doing and how you are dealing with it. Keep her up to speed on the appraisers and how you are getting the house ready to sell. Lead it's attrac


I tried the fixing and let her handle it(passive approach.)

Obviously that didn't work.

If the whole thing with the picture at school and S2 getting hurt. W wouldn't have made any contact with me.

I'm I or did I throw the towel in to early??

After our meeting when she said she wants a D and that it is the best thing to do, along with "things would go back to the way they were" and "we bring out the worst in each other".

I know talk is cheap but her actions backed upped everything she was saying.

I know she recently hired a baby sitter for her two days with the kids. Her mom and dad used to one day each to watcdh them on second shift.

I really haven't thought about W the past month and a half.

I don't want to make a crucial mistake. She already knows I joined a dating site. I did this to show her I'm moving on and make her feel she's losing me.
Posted By: Ken62

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/08/10 08:16 PM

Hey gr8,

You seem to be beating yourself up a lot and over analyzing things. You'll never know what is going on in her head and you just have to do things for you. I know it is hard and I've been where you are now but if D is what she says she wants then give her D and worry about you and only you.

You and I have come a long way during our sitches and I know that it is always easier to help someone else out then to see it in your own sitch but you are doing the right thing. I believe what Coach said about anger is true but don't go out of your way to produce it. If it happens you can be smiling on the inside as it is going on and that might help you not be afraid of it anymore. The spew, as they say, is hard to hear but if we think of it as a positive it might help us cope with it easier.

Keep up the good work!
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/08/10 11:20 PM

Hey Ken, long time no posting. lol

Other than Coach's post today, I haven't even thought about W and her actions. I thought her actions were strange yesterday when she was angry.

I don't think she still has any feelings for me. It's just her being herself. Miserable.

I see it clearly now.
Oh well, we have D5 graduation This week and the appraiser. things will work out for the best.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/09/10 01:44 PM

Since W felt she was in the dark about things going on in kids school, I texted her yesterday giving her the details on the time D5 had to be there for graduation. I also added I gave money for the teachers gift and I am bring food for the party.

She's replies--OK, Thanks.

Wasn't even expecting her to reply.

Tomoroow should be interesting at graduation. Her Mom and step dad along with her Dad will be there.

I know we talked about this before but if I don't get there before they do should I sit with them for my D sake?

Another thought I was having was emailing her stating if she would like to work on M together that I would be willing to give it a try. (Last chance for her to reconsider)

I think once the appraiser's infomation comes in it might make her think about things more. IDK

I'm really on the fence right now.
Posted By: newmama

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/09/10 02:38 PM

Hi, gr8t! I was getting caught up on your sitch.

About your ILs, do they know that YOU wanted to work on the marriage and did not want a divorce (initially)? If so, then I think it would be safe to sit next to them, but bring a camera so you can just be getting good pictures of D and then have an excuse to move around. OR you could just have your camera and start moving around to begin with, but wave hello to them.

If they think you are the one driving this D, you probably don't want to interact much with them at all.Other than polite wave!


IMO, I think you should wait and see how your W reacts about the appraiser's information before you tell her you would like to work on the M.

Are you going to be reviewing the info from the appraiser in person? I would!

Then you can gauge her reaction, and if she does start crying or showing signs of being doubtful, you can get more information about why she is crying and then see if she really wants to do this.

Now this is tricky! And this is just my opinion based on these actions:
Granted, she was the one who walked away and hasn't been reaching out toward you, but

aren't you the one who has been initiating all the divorce action since February (please forgive me if I missed something!!!)?

You started dating and made sure she knew,(and clicked on her friend's profile which probably reaaaaally bothered your W but it sounds like you explained why- hope she believed you!)

and so because of these 2 things (talking about post marital agreement and then meeting about the post marital agreement, plus dating) it really does look like you have accepted this divorce and plan to move on.

So meet with her about the appraisal info in person, guage her reaction, and then go from there. And you know something- no matter how she reacts,

You could always say "I want you to know that I really did want to work on our marriage and was hoping we would be reuniting instead of divorcing." and see what she says, too!
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/09/10 03:03 PM


Quote:
About your ILs, do they know that YOU wanted to work on the marriage and did not want a divorce (initially)? If so, then I think it would be safe to sit next to them, but bring a camera so you can just be getting good pictures of D and then have an excuse to move around. OR you could just have your camera and start moving around to begin with, but wave hello to them


They both know That I have been working on saving the M. I have a great R with my FIL and told him about my M coach.
I heard through a friend that her mom was giving her the cold treatment b/c she thinks W gave up too soon.
So as for the ILs I would say they are on my side. But Blood is thicker, they will support their D decision.

Quote:
aren't you the one who has been initiating all the divorce action since February (please forgive me if I missed something!!!)?

You started dating and made sure she knew,(and clicked on her friend's profile which probably reaaaaally bothered your W but it sounds like you explained why- hope she believed you!)


My W's lack of following through on things she says she's going to do really got to me. I wanted to be out of limbo. W hasn't forgiven me for my faults in the M and she said she doesn't know if she ever can.

I did initiate the meeting and the dating and other things to show her I am moving on and she is losing a great guy and father to her kids.
These were her words- Great guy and great father.

I do like the the idea about talking about the appraisal in person. It will give me an opportunity for the things you mentioned.

A while ago W did ask me(IN an Indirect way) that maybe after D5's graduation we all could go out to dinner.

At that time I told her I already had plans.
Posted By: mza8

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/09/10 03:49 PM

Hey Gr8, checking in.

I was going to reply to your post yesterday but was hesitant at first because I didn't want to steer you in any direction. However, it seems clear to me that you still want to save your M.

You asked if you made a mistake by throwing in the towel too early. Well, only you know that answer. The you mentioned that you joined the dating site so SHE would know you moved on instead of saying you joined the site for YOU. I think your W knows that by you joining that site thar you are just trying to "act" like you are moving on.

Just my 2 cents Gr8 but I think you still want to save your M. I know you say that you don't think about her and are moving on but I'm not so sure. I think you think about her a lot. I'm not saying that you should or shouldn't move on but if you still want to try then do so. Nothing wrong with GAL and not being in limbo but you can still try to work on saving your M at the same time. IMO I think you got tired of waiting and your patience ran thin. I'm sure everyone can understand that.

I know it's difficult but maybe you can continue being patient and giving this sitch more time. I think you're in a hurry to move on by going on the dating site, etc. to convince yourself that you are moving on when I'm not sure that's what you really want. I like newmama's idea to sit with ILs for part of the graduation and move around and take pics so you don't have to sit with them the entire time. IMO I probably would have gone to dinner with family for your D's graduation. I think it gives the impression you are putting your D5 above anything else. I can see it both ways but I think you should go to the dinner.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/09/10 04:07 PM

thanks for the post mza8,

I joined the dating site b/c a friend suggested it and I thought "what the hex, let me see what's out there". Not knowing the in and outs of the site, I clicked on her friend.(The one I despise)
Apparently you can view others who have clicked on your profile. That's how she found out.

It did come up at our meeting and I told her the same thing. Then I added I joined for me, not to put it in her face.

Since the meeting I honestly haven't thought about her at all. I was out with other women enjoying their company.

As for saving my M, I have mixed feelings right now. That's why I was thinking about giving her the letter I wrote back in February. My last attempt to tell her my feelings and thoughts. And that I am OK swith what ever she decides.


It's going to be a revealing next few days
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/09/10 04:55 PM

PS from last post.

More things I did to show her I'm moving on:

Met with financial adviser who also handles my insurance and told W to contact him so she could be removed from auto policy so she could get her own.(She has not done this in the pass 3 months)

Emailed W stating I removed her as the beneficiary of my life insurance policy and suggested she do the same.(No action on the item either).
Posted By: PEI

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/09/10 05:00 PM

Hey gr8!

Quote:
Emailed W stating I removed her as the beneficiary of my life insurance policy and suggested she do the same.(No action on the item either).

I'm in the industry and this worries me. Did you make your children the beneficiaries? I've seen a few cases where marriages have broken down and both parties actually make the stbx an irrevocable beneficiary as opposed to taking them off.

PEI
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/09/10 05:04 PM

Quote:
I'm in the industry and this worries me. Did you make your children the beneficiaries?


PEI, I made my sister 80% and the kids 10% each.
I was in the business too. I did want to have some for the kids they couldn't touch for awhile. Thanks for your concern, I'm sure many people make that mistake.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/09/10 05:19 PM

Another thought,

What does "Hooking Up" mean?
Posted By: newmama

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/09/10 05:29 PM

gr8, I really think your wife gets the point you are moving on.
Even if you haven't, you have done a good job acting like you have! :-)

She is fully expecting you to move forward. (my guess)

Just wanted to reiterate that point.

So I am pleased you are considering meeting with her in person.

You can see if she really is fine proceeding or just isn't fighting you because it looks like your mind is made up but she has some doubts about divorcing.
Posted By: newmama

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/09/10 05:31 PM

hooking up--if you mean "she totally wants to hook up with him" it sounds like "gettin' it on!" (S-E-X)

if it's like "let's hook up later and hang out" then it means get together.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/09/10 05:54 PM


A friend told me W "Hooked Up" with someone while she was on vacation.

I can't see W doing a one night stand but I don't know what W is capable of doing these days.

I think this had a lot to do with me joining the dating site. Oh hey BTW, I removed my profile from the site last week.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/10/10 08:10 PM

Its graduatio.n day and I am the first one to arrive. its their choice where to sit. Tomorrow nite the appraiser is coming so I'll have more information about her thoughts.

I forgot to mention, while i was on vacation W texted me with pics of the kids at the beach.
Not reading into it, just stating it.

Any thoughts?
Posted By: mza8

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/10/10 08:29 PM

Gr8, maybe ask your friend what they mean when they say your W "hooke-up" on vacation. I would want to know what I was dealing with if I were you. Maybe nothing but good to check it out.

Well, you'll see whether or not your W decides to sit next to you or not. Are they still going to dinner after the graduation? Has she asked you again if you want to go? Nothing wrong with going to dinner tonight if things go well at the graduation.

I agree, don't read anything into the pics. It was a nice gesture. See where things go tonight. Enjoy your D5's graduation. Be a happy dad for her.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/10/10 10:10 PM

thanks mza8.

Graduation was enjoyable. Her mom and step dad came in after me and sat behind me. We talked a bit. W and S2 came in after them and she sat with them, as expected. S2 comes running to me and sits on my lap until the ceremony begin.

Didn't get a hello or goodbye from W. In fact her brother and his W were the only ones to say goodbye.
Brother's W talked to me for a bit and invited me over to hang out in the future. She said she's misses me and wanted to meet.

I said OK, anytime let me know.


They went out to dinner and W didn't ask me again.

Over all I feel good. I guess this is the way it's going to be at functions for the kids.
Posted By: newmama

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/10/10 11:59 PM

Well you got that out of the way! You will be seeing your W tomorrow, right?

Did you wave hello at W?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/11/10 10:49 AM

YOu what, since S2 was happy to see me and ran over to me I really didn't say hello to W either. This does happen quite often on both sides.

I won't see W until tomorrow when she drops the kids off. The appraiser is coming by and I would think I would have a report next week.

I will mention to W on Saturday that I had an appraiser come by.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/11/10 05:12 PM

I know were suppose the believe nothing what the WAW says and only half of what we see, but am I wrong to think it's over after 10 months being apart and I asked straight out if she want a D and she say yes?

Me: Is this the best thing for us?
W: Yes

W: Even if we did get back together things would only go back to the way they were. We bring out the worst in each other.

Me: Agreed and validated.

What's a guy to do?
Posted By: newmama

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/11/10 09:17 PM

Sorry, gr8. I think you make the divorce as clean, simple, and civil as possible. If something happens along the way to change her mind, it will be easier if you take the high road (of course protecting yourself all along!)
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/13/10 01:42 AM

Yeah I think D is inevitable. D5 told me tonite that when mommy get a new home she will get her a cat.

Doesn't sound like she has any thought of reconciling. As for me I will just have to enjoy the company of OW.

Funny story about the appraisal. When I answered the door and let the woman in she looked very familiar. I was getting ready upstairs and she was downstairs looking around. when she came upstairs and told her that she looked very familiar. I asked her if she was on the dating site. she said yes and I told her she looked better than her picture. We talk about the site for a few moments and then she asked me what I was going to do with the house. I told her it all depends on the number you value my house at. She laughed and then she gave me her business card.
It is ironic or what?
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/15/10 02:24 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
I know were suppose the believe nothing what the WAW says and only half of what we see, but am I wrong to think it's over after 10 months being apart and I asked straight out if she want a D and she say yes?


I learned not to ask H questions like this. Seems like when I don't say anything about it, H doesn't say that he wants D. H has done very, very little to get the D that he wants. He has said he wants D, but doesn't do much toward it. I'm not even sure that he's actually filed. crazy

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
Me: Is this the best thing for us?
W: Yes


Again, I wouldn't ask questions like this. Your W said that she wants D. I think maybe if there is any doubt, your W may feel like she has no other recourse but to push forward w/D. Sort of like she said it, can't take it back, regardless of how she may be feeling. Does that make sense?

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
W: Even if we did get back together things would only go back to the way they were. We bring out the worst in each other.

Me: Agreed and validated.

What's a guy to do?


Now this part is good. If W is speculating about the possibility of reconciling, that seems indicative that she isn't entirely convinced that she's making the right decision. Your response was good. grin
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/15/10 03:15 PM

Quote:
think maybe if there is any doubt, your W may feel like she has no other recourse but to push forward w/D. Sort of like she said it, can't take it back, regardless of how she may be feeling. Does that make sense?


I said this months ago: It was hard for her to leave and it would be even harder for her to swallow her pride and come back.


Quote:
If W is speculating about the possibility of reconciling, that seems indicative that she isn't entirely convinced that she's making the right decision.


She emailed yesterday stating she wanted to take the kids to the shore again. She asked if this weekend was OK eben though it's fathers day. I could believe she had the balls to ask for this weekend after I mothers day.,
I UNKNOWINGLY planned a trip with the kids and friends on mothers day. One of my friends pointed out to me that it was mothers day weekend, so I changed the weekend.
So now she is taking them for the Fourth.

RNM,
I didn't have to deal with an affair so we differ on that aspect, but I totally agree with you on the point of being the one who wants out now.

In the response email to the weekend, I also stated that I had an appraiser come out last week and will have a realtor come out soon to figure out the house's value. She didn't respond to this onformation at all.

Ho did I mention that her Bro and SIL want to have me over their place to hang out?

After seeing what's out there in the dating field why would I want to go back to someone who is so negative?
I honestly do not even entertain the idea of getting back together anymore.

It's almost like she once told me: You had your chance.

I hope she enjoys her life with her girl friend who will drop her like she did in the past.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/17/10 06:05 PM

journal entry.


Cell rings today with W's name on calling ID.

I answered, it was D5 calling me to talk. Talk for a bit with her and S2.

Note: I AM NOT reading into any of W's actions.

I find it ironic that for three weeks straight W has call me for the kids.

I am and will continue to GAL, it's nice to be appreciated.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/21/10 02:53 PM

So W took the kids last week to a pottery place. She had them make gifts for me for Fathers day. Kids were happy to give them to me, they were awesome. I texted W last night stating "Thank you for the pottry from the kids"

She did respond back by saying :
"They put their little hearts into it and were so proud of the job they did. Hope you had a nice Fathers Day."

Wow, she actually wished me some happiness.
Could she be starting to "forgive me"?

I am in total non-pursuit mode and moving on with my life.

Could she be starting to realize she may have made a mistake?

Still GAL and enjoy me time.
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/21/10 03:36 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
So W took the kids last week to a pottery place. She had them make gifts for me for Fathers day. Kids were happy to give them to me, they were awesome. I texted W last night stating "Thank you for the pottry from the kids"

She did respond back by saying :
"They put their little hearts into it and were so proud of the job they did. Hope you had a nice Fathers Day."

Wow, she actually wished me some happiness.
Could she be starting to "forgive me"?


Maybe. Glad that you had a good father's day. smile

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
I am in total non-pursuit mode and moving on with my life.


Also good. I imagine that this makes you feel a little bit better about things.

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
Could she be starting to realize she may have made a mistake?

Still GAL and enjoy me time.


Maybe. Doubtful if she would tell you that at this time, tho. Keep on taking care of you and the kids. That's all you can really do anyway.

You're on the right track. grin
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/21/10 05:01 PM

Thanks for the reply RNM.

Not quite certain where her head is right now and frankly I don't care.

I went to a party over the weekend and my good friends wife asked me if she was seeing any one. I replied that I don't now and don't care, that's her business.

I recieved a message from W's brother's W wishing me a happy fathers day and also her mother stopped by to drop a gift off for me.( I was out with the kids though)

When I picked the kids up on Saturday W looked as if see was headed out for the night. It didn't bother me one bit.

Other than that I TCB with my kids and and enjoy time with new lady friends.

I have regained my confidence and now I'm armed with the knowledge from this board......LOOK OUT! lol
Posted By: Glimmerman

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/22/10 04:35 AM

Hey Gr8day

I saw your post on mza8's thread and saw you asked about me. I check in on this site every few days or so, but usually only check in on the threads I have been following for a few months. Haven't followed anything new.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/22/10 12:55 PM

Hey GM good to hear from you.

I'm pretty much in the same boat when it comes to threads here.
If I can help a newbie early on, I try.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/29/10 07:37 PM

Journal entry.

Not much has change with W. I really have no need to talk to her nor do I want to.

I received the appraisal back last week and now I need to get a realtor invovled.

Hey mza8, or others,have you come across a situation where someone needed to sell their home for D purposes?

I was wondering if the appraisal value was used or was a value a realtor gave used to determine the real value.

Seems to me that fair market value should be used. The Apraising Company doesn't take into account the esthetics of the home.

Talked to my neighbor this past weekend you went to lunch with W two weeks ago. She told me W didn't bring anything up about the R. I told my neighbor I don't even think about reconciling any more and I have moved on with my life. She said she was happy for me. Maybe W did say something to her, i don't know. regardless I need to TBC with house and kids.

Coach, if you still check in on me, I realized that TCB of ones self and kids is extremely attractive to women. smile


Better days to come for me.
Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/29/10 07:41 PM

Quote:
Coach, if you still check in on me, I realized that TCB of ones self and kids is extremely attractive to women.


Catnip.
Posted By: AtTheEnd?

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/29/10 08:30 PM

TCB?
Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/29/10 08:48 PM

Originally Posted By: AtTheEnd?
TCB?


Takin Care of Business
Posted By: mza8

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/29/10 08:57 PM

Originally Posted By: AtTheEnd?
TCB?


Take Care of Business

Hey Gr8,

I have not been involved with any properties that were sold due to D. However, IMO, I would think the appraisal company's value would be the one used over the realtor's value for the home.

In matters of foreclosure or bank sales, the appraisal company's value is used. Both the appraisal company and realtor will run the comps in the area but the appraisal company's is the more trusted value and therefore is the value that is used.

If you feel that your appraisal company has not taken some things about your home into consideration you can ask them to reconsider those items to calculate a more accurate value for your home. Sometimes they will and sometimes they won't. Doesn't hurt to ask them.

Appraisals are a big problem right now in the real estate market. Since home prices are all over the place right now, it's difficult to get a true value of the home for the lenders.

Let me know if I can answer any other questions for you.

mza8
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/30/10 10:27 AM

mza8,

thanks for the input about the house. I think I am going to call them today b/c I knowI need a new roof, among other things.

I have some number crunching to do this weekend.

I hope the stay for the kids sake, I don't want to uproot them from their original home.
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 06/30/10 05:22 PM

Hey Gr8,

I've been following, just don't have any useful input at the moment. Sorry.

Today sure is a nice day, tho!
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/01/10 02:36 PM

Observation about STBEX communication.
(I know it's not all my fault)

W taking kids to the beach until Sunday. I usually get them Saturday, but we are flexible with things like this.
So a asked W what time will you be dropping the kids off Sunday? She says she plans to leave after breakfast.

Noticing this is a vague statement(That's what I have been dealing with for so long) I ask her to be more specific.

Glad to see she's working on her communications skills.

So I told her I will pick the kids up at X pm.

I'm taking charge now.

Everyone enjoy the Holiday.

Anyone from Baltimore???
Headed there Saturday and looking for some fun activities!
Food, Music?
Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/01/10 02:41 PM

Quote:
Anyone from Baltimore???


Inner Harbor

Fells Point

Towson

Charles Village

Tons of places to go out to and have fun.


Food - steamed crabs w/lots of cold beer
softshell crab sandwhich
Bel-Loc Diner
Polock Johnnies
Berger Cookies - a must have, the best cookie in the world
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/01/10 02:54 PM

Thanks coach,
I'm staying in the inner Harbor.
Will definitely be ordering crabs.
I was checking out the Baltimore Sun for activities but not much listed.

It will be a spontaneous weekend! enjoy

gr8
Posted By: mza8

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/01/10 04:38 PM

Hey Gr8,

Yes, I live in a suburb about 25 minutes north of Baltimore in MD. There's lots to do in the Inner Harbor. Baltimore has a wonderful aquarium in the Inner Harbor. Like Coach said, Fells Point is also nice. Lots of places to eat and it gets lively at night with music, etc. A lot of bars in Fells Point.

If you're here you definitely need to eat some crabs. Yumm. If you want good steamed crabs try Obrycki's. Some of the best steamed crabs in Baltimore.

Try Rusty Scupper for good seafood. It's pricey and they don't serve crabs but great for dinner. It's right on the water with great views of the Inner Harbor. It's near Federal Hill...near Ft. McHenry, another nice place to visit.

All of these places are within walking distance of the Inner Harbor.

Plenty to do here.

mza8
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/01/10 05:38 PM

Hey Gr8,

Enjoy your trip. smile smile smile Sounds fun, fun, fun. Nothing better than fresh seafood!

Here's one of my faves:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d1mw4ImMUmQ
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/01/10 07:07 PM

RNM,
nice Waylon tune, I never heard that one before.

Listening to that made me want to be outside at a music festival drinking a cold one.



mza8,

thanks for the spots near the inner harbor. I saw they have live music at nights outside. I will be taking it easy and GAL.

Life's not so bad.
Posted By: mza8

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/01/10 07:31 PM

Gr8,

You can also check out Power Plant Live in the Inner Harbor. Lots of bars with live music...rock, paino bar, dj, etc. It's a happening place at night. There's a Hard Rock Cafe there too. We used to have an ESPN Zone but it closed. Power Plant Live has outdoor live music. Great place to have a drink and listen to music.

Here's a link to Power Plant Live.

http://www.powerplantlive.com/

You can also see Oriole Park at Camden Yards (the O's are out of town this weekend thank goodness, they are terrible this season) and M&T Bank Stadium, home of the Ravens. Love my Ravens!

You can also take a boat tour of the harbor.

Have fun.

mza8
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/02/10 01:35 PM

mza,
thanks for the suggestions. It looks like it's going to be a great weekend weather wise.

Any areas to stay away from?
Posted By: mza8

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/02/10 10:14 PM

Gr8,

As long as you stay near the Inner Harbor you'll be ok. Just don't too far from IH because some of the neighborhoods aren't so friendly.

All of the places Coach and I mentioned are within walking distane of IH.

I'll be down in Fells Point tomorrow with friends watching the WC matches.

Mza8
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/03/10 10:19 PM

mza8

heade.d to fell pt now for dinner. i'll be the tall guy with a white shirt, blue stripes with an attractive redhead.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/05/10 04:24 PM

mza8,

ate at obryckis for dinner, the crabs and crab cakes were fabulous. Maxs taproom was fun too. Thanks for the suggestion.

I had a party yesterday and our one mutaul friend came. She was asking me about my weekend and she asked who I went with, I told her a "friend".

She also asked me about the dating website and I said I wasn't on it any more. W and her talked about that and W mentioned what I wrote in my profile, commenting on the part that I said I was looking for a good communicator. W said to friend she was a good communicator. I just shook my head and and said to friend, she wasn't such a good communicator or we wouldn't be in this situation.

Friend told me W isn't really happy. When she goes out with her friend they always seem to be in competition for the guys.
Her friend gets more attention b/c she's more outgoing and has bigger b**bs. W said to friend it seems like she's in high school when she hangs with her friend.

Friend also told me W said I don't talk to her anymore and I don't. I have nothing to say to her except an update on the kids.

I was asked twice this weekend if W ask to work on things would I??

I told them I honestly don't know at this point. I have seen absolutely no changes in her. She still does not communicate well and I have been looking at her actions.

I really think W will regret her decision sometime soon and I feel sorry for her.
I don't think she has the courage or strength to approach me and admit she made a mistake.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/06/10 11:00 AM

journaling

I received an email from W's father this morning thanking me for the video and pics I gave to him containing the kids.

He also asked how I was doing and that he hasn't heard from me lately.

We have(had) a great relationship. I know he would want us to work things out but he won't get invovled and say anything to his D.

W's mother also doesn't agree with her decision and I think their R has been different since the separation. Her mom gave me a fathers gift in light of our situation.

I spoke to our mutual friend last night b/c I was thinking about W. I was feeling sorry for her but friend told me not to b/c she has made her decisions and is a big girl. If she wants to told to me about R she will(Remember she's a great communicator). I agreed with friend and will continue to enjoy time with my new friends.

Not looking back anymore. I have no regrets and will proceed with getting a step closer to mediation.

Once the mediation meeting is over and I finally know my financial situation, things will be more cler for me.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/06/10 03:41 PM

MORE THOUGHTS,

when talking to mutual friend(MF) last night, we talked about the friends W has been hanging with. They are totally not anything like W. They are hardcore partiers and friend said that when W's friend drinks she gets in fights with her.

Again I started feel sorry for W, but when talking to our MF she told me not to feel sorry for W b/c she has the ability to say something to me if she wants to.

MF told me that she has seen the many changes I have made and to keep moving forward. W has mentioned to MF that the changes wouldn't last. It's been over 8 months now and they are in effect.

MF brought up a view point to me that makes sense.
She said W will continue to say that the changes won't last to justify her decision. She doesn't want to admit she made a mistake. Maybe this is why I feel sorry for her. She has a negative aura around her that I want no part of.

Any thought or comments welcome.
thanks, gr8
Posted By: Ken62

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/06/10 03:55 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
She said W will continue to say that the changes won't last to justify her decision. She doesn't want to admit she made a mistake. Maybe this is why I feel sorry for her. She has a negative aura around her that I want no part of.


Hey gr8,

I couldn't agree more with this. It always amazes me how my XW can and does remember and focus on the negative of our M and can quote chapter and verse of how she felt and where she was when recounting the bad times and you would think that's all there was.

It is nice not being around this and when her mother was here helping her move, her mother told my daughter nothing but the two negative stories about me from the first years of our M over 20 years ago! I guess I know where XW gets it.

I also believe in the justification aspect. XW doesn't want to think that she did anything wrong so I am always the bad guy and this will probably last for quite some time. Not until and if XW starts looking at herself will any real change come along and there is nothing I can do about that so I am just focusing on me and my future without her. Trying to keep those positive changes going and being the best Dad I can for my kids.

Best of luck to you gr8!
Posted By: newmama

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/06/10 04:18 PM

I totally agree with Ken AND with you, Gr8--you said that

Quote:
told them I honestly don't know at this point. I have seen absolutely no changes in her. She still does not communicate well and I have been looking at her actions.

I really think W will regret her decision sometime soon and I feel sorry for her.
I don't think she has the courage or strength to approach me and admit she made a mistake.


The way your W is being right now, you don't want her. SO proceed as usual. Hey, if something HUGE happens, and she changes, then who knows, right? But since you don't have a crystal ball, it's good to go ahead with your plan.

I do want to say that it IS possible she could change because YOU did, right? BUt, seriously, she would need to change for you to want to work things out, correct?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/06/10 04:48 PM

Thanks for the replies ken62 and newmamma,

now that I have completely removed myself the toxic R and have learn the proper ways of a healthy R, I am so much happier.

Quote:
do want to say that it IS possible she could change because YOU did, right? BUt, seriously, she would need to change for you to want to work things out, correct?

NM, she would have to make changes for me to even consider working on things. I think she would have to acknowledge my changes, apologize, and give me a heart spoken message with sincerity. I think I have a better chance of hitting the lottery.......two days straight!

Well anyway, I will continue to enjoy my time with the kids and GAL when I don't have them.

Also learned never to say never. It may take
W 2-3 years to figure IT out. All I know is I'll be happy b/c it comes from within.
Posted By: mza8

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/07/10 03:04 PM

Hey Gr8,

Checking in. I'm glad you enjoyed the steamed crabs and enjoyed Fells Point. I was there (FP) earlier on Saturday morning. It's a fun place to visit.

I read your last few posts. I think it's good that you are GAL. Your W seems to be keeping tabs on you as indicated by your mutual friend. It's interesting that your W gets into arguments with her friend when they go out. Perhaps your W is finding that she doesn't enjoy that new lifestyle as much as she thought. It's also sad to me that your W's friend acts like it's a competition for guys when they go out. That's a pretty shallow way to live if you ask me.

I always find it interesting when mutual friends "ask" you questions about what it would take to get back together. I think there's a good chance they ask those questions because those same questions get discussed with the WAS. I think it's a way for them to find out what you're thinking.

Keep doing what you're doing. Your W said she doesn't think your changes will last. Making the changes for you means the changes will last. Perhpas one day your W will see that what she wants from a man in her life is now right in front of her...you with your new self.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/09/10 02:01 PM

mza8

Quote:
Keep doing what you're doing. Your W said she doesn't think your changes will last. Making the changes for you means the changes will last. Perhpas one day your W will see that what she wants from a man in her life is now right in front of her...you with your new self.


Totally agree about the changes. Still working on me and feel pretty good. I am honestly in a much better place now than I was 6 months ago. I am more positive and it shows in my daily life.

Another point mutual friend told me the other day:

When MF asked how things are going with me W responds:

"GR8 doesn't even talk to me any more."

MF " Well isn't that what you wanted?"

W didn't really respond.

I think reality is setting in on W. I don't think she's any happier now than she was a year ago.

Well more reality is about to come once I email her with the finances about the house.



more to come next week.
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/10/10 06:20 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
Totally agree about the changes. Still working on me and feel pretty good. I am honestly in a much better place now than I was 6 months ago. I am more positive and it shows in my daily life.


Excellent! I think the only sane response in an insane sitch like this is walk away, walk forward & continue to work on yourself. WAS does everything in their power to make you miserable, it's up to you to make yourself happy. cool

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
Another point mutual friend told me the other day:

When MF asked how things are going with me W responds:

"GR8 doesn't even talk to me any more."

MF " Well isn't that what you wanted?"

W didn't really respond.

I think reality is setting in on W. I don't think she's any happier now than she was a year ago.


Love that one!
WAS: it's your fault I'm unhappy.
BS: here's all the space in the universe.
WAS: I got what I wanted, am still unhappy, and even though you aren't around anymore, it's still your fault!!!

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
Well more reality is about to come once I email her with the finances about the house.

more to come next week.


Good luck gr8. How was the game the other night? Still seemed way, way, way too hot to be outside.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/11/10 01:52 AM

RNM,

Believe it or not the weather was nice for the game. I was five rows from the top so there was a breeze.

How about last nights game! What a come back.

What are some cool bars/restaurants down there?

Always looking for new places.
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/11/10 05:07 PM

Hey Gr8,

Those seats at the top of the park can get a little chilly. Which can be great, especially after this week!

Didn't see too much of last night's game, working. Plus ... I don't like baseball. We keep it on cause it's a bar, not cause we like it. wink

Down there, bars, hrm. Benny the Bums is right there where everybody tailgates. I've never been in there, so I have no idea what it's like. Chickie & Pete's (15th & Packer) - never been there either, but that seems to be the spot. I'm more of a fan of the 'off the track' places. There's a spot @ 13th & Dickinson that I like. Low key, divey, cheap, bartenders are all pretty nice. The stretch along Passy from Tasker south to Synder is full of bars & restaurants. Some are better than others, but it depends what kind of atmosphere you're looking for.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/13/10 11:51 PM

Emailed W yesterday stating I had the House appraised and have a realtor coming over this week to give an assessment for what he thinks the house should be list for.

I added see was welcome to do the same thing but not to use a certain appraisal comppany b/c her mom works there.

No response yet.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/13/10 11:53 PM

RNM

I have been to Benny's and Chickies, I can't believe you've never been to Chickies. The crab fries are good there.

Where do tend at? Maybe I'll stop in for a half and half.
Posted By: newmama

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/14/10 12:32 AM

have you guys found each other on FB?
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/14/10 01:26 AM

NM, I have no idea how to find anyone of FB.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/14/10 03:53 PM

How does one go about send ing private messages? It is disabled right now.
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/16/10 06:11 AM

I don't think you can send pms.

Any new developments?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/16/10 02:05 PM

I met with a realtor last night to discuss my options.

After reviewing the house and market conditions for my area he gave suggested a selling price for the house which was slightly higher than the appraisal. Makes sense, list higher and expect a lower price, which is right near the appraised value.

My initial numbers I ran a week ago to buy her out seems to be very close to reality. As long as she agrees to it I will be able to stay in my home. I would like to stay for a few reasons.
Number one and most important is for the kids. They know their home and have plenty of friends in the neighborhood. And two, I have great neighbors and they support me when I need help.
If I sell I don't think I would be able to get the home and neighborhood I have now for the money.

If everything goes according to the plan(fingers crossed)she will accept my offer and move on.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/22/10 05:18 PM

j-entry

I just emailed W the numbers pertaining to the house. Since her mom is dropping hte kids off this weekend I won't see her until next week.

I think she may be surprised at the number I offered her. It was completely fair though. I'm not trying to rake her over the coals. I have, and will continue to act fair in all divisions.

I want my kids to feel safe and protected.,
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/22/10 05:31 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

I think she may be surprised at the number I offered her. It was completely fair though. I'm not trying to rake her over the coals. I have, and will continue to act fair in all divisions.

I want my kids to feel safe and protected.,


Just my observation: seems like the BS is the one that actually does things fairly. My H kept telling me how generous he was going to be. That was a total crock.

Good luck! Hopefully you and your kids can stay in your house. smile
Posted By: pinhead

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/22/10 05:35 PM

I think that's part of the psychology an LBS has to cope with. Deep down, we want to be kind and nice in an attempt to curry favor with our WAS. There's nothing wrong with being fair and kind; just be aware of why you're trying to be fair.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/22/10 05:39 PM

Thanks, rnm.
I'm not expecting to hear from her for a few days. I did my homework on the numbers and she will have to "ask her people" if my proposal accurate.

No worries here. When you do the right thing you sleep so much better at night.


BTW, the list of places you gave me, I have a funny feeling you my tend at one of them. Am I getting warmer? haha
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/22/10 05:41 PM

thanks pinhead

Quote:
There's nothing wrong with being fair and kind; just be aware of why you're trying to be fair


I am being fair b/c I don't want my kids to suffer for their mothers poor decisions.

They are my numero uno concern. They deserve the best.
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/23/10 11:16 AM

Hey Gr8,

Nope, don't work at any of them. Just places that I like for one reason or another.

Good luck!
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/27/10 01:34 PM

journal entry

Emailed W Sunday night about taking kids for the full weekend once a month so we both could enjoy a long weekend for ourselves.

She did email me back on this and agreed. Then she added stuff about the kids clothes she bought for them and she wanted them back. I replied back no problem, I'll have them all ready for you when I drop them off on Wednesday.

No email back about finances for the house yet. MAybe next week after she talks to her "people"

Mean while last night when W called to say goodnight to the kids, D5 came into the kitchen where I was and asked if I wanted to talk to mommy. I simple said no thank you.

After she was done talking D5 got upset b/c she really wishes the two of us would get back together.

I told D5 that it's not going to happen. See teared up So I comforted her by saying my and mommoy aren't happy together.

I asked D5 you want us to be happy right? She said yes.
So I said were not happy together.
I then added we both love you very much and to enjoy the time she has when she's with us.

I told her I will always be here for her, then we played.

It's so hard to see your kids go through this.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/27/10 07:18 PM

Puppy and regulars to my sitch, any thoughts on the following?

After rereading my sitch over the past two months it made me think about what newmamma wrote. Back in June she made a statement:

Quote:
You could always say "I want you to know that I really did want to work on our marriage and was hoping we would be reuniting instead of divorcing." and see what she says, too!


Would making this statement mean anything to her?


A small part of me wants to reconcile, envisioning a haapy M.
Most of me says things are irrepairable.

I think I'm feeling this way today b/c of waht happened to D5 last night.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/28/10 01:45 PM

J.E.

W contacted me about health insurnce. I am currently on her policy and she asked me if I had coverage at work.
I told her I currently do not and I was under the impression I would remain on hers until I legally couldn't.

No interaction with W except for the kids and when she had something to discuss. Been dark for three months.

No word about the house yet from her.

Moving forward, and she has been set free.

Looking forward to me time this weekend.
Posted By: pinhead

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/28/10 01:55 PM

Gr8,

I wouldn't make a statement like that. Your W knows where you stand. It's up to her to make the decision to try and reconcile. As hard as it is on your children, remember that your love, freely given to them, is what will make them happiest.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/28/10 02:09 PM

Thanks for the response pinhead.

I know it will be her own free decision if she would want to work on M.

I have said in prior posts that I haven't seen any changes in her and I would really have to think about if I wanted to "take her back".

As for now I will continue moving forward with no contact, if she wants to change things it will be up to her to make to move.

We'll cross that bridge whenif we get to it.

I will continue doing my part moving towards D.
No regrets
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/28/10 06:59 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
Puppy and regulars to my sitch, any thoughts on the following?

After rereading my sitch over the past two months it made me think about what newmamma wrote. Back in June she made a statement:

Quote:
You could always say "I want you to know that I really did want to work on our marriage and was hoping we would be reuniting instead of divorcing." and see what she says, too!


Would making this statement mean anything to her?


Hey Gr8,

I don't think that saying that or anything similar is a great idea at the moment. Perhaps if W was showing some sort of interest in R, then yes.

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
A small part of me wants to reconcile, envisioning a haapy M.
Most of me says things are irrepairable.

I think I'm feeling this way today b/c of waht happened to D5 last night.



I know what you mean. The best bit of advice I got on that was this: "I'll think about that if/when I get there". Part of me what to R w/H, part of me thinks it's utterly impossible. So, for now, moratorium on the subject.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/30/10 03:52 PM

Quote:
So, for now, moratorium on the subject


Percisely.

It must have D5 that made me think about saying something.

Moving forward(still), being happy and enjoying life.

Tonight live band and a few cold ones on the water front. cool

No response yet about the house, I'll cross that bridge when she responds. Until then.....giddy on up and giddy on out.
Posted By: mza8

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/30/10 04:10 PM

Hey Gr8. Checking in.

Quote:
You could always say "I want you to know that I really did want to work on our marriage and was hoping we would be reuniting instead of divorcing." and see what she says, too!



I said something similar to my W earlier this week per Rob's advice. I basically told her that she knows how I feel about her, that I would be there if she ever wanted to talk and that I just want her to be happy regardless of what happens to us. It was sort of my way of telling her I'm letting her go. She thanked me for the kind message. Feel like I finally made it about her instead of about me.

Strange that your W still has not gotten back to you about your house.

Have a good time tonight and have a cold one for me.
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/30/10 05:49 PM

The whole process is slooow. W will respond when she gets to it, you'll counter when you get to it, etc. Just part of the process I guess?!?

Have fun tonight. smile Perfect weather today, sure tonight will be even better!!!
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 07/30/10 07:46 PM

Hey mza8,

Quote:
Strange that your W still has not gotten back to you about your house.


It's OK. The old me would be thinking maybe she's having second thoughts and hasn't made up her mind.
The new me takes it in stride and doesn't care about why she's taking her time.

It will all work out in the end.

vulcanized( I have to get use to that)

It does seem like a slow process. I know it took me a while to get the house appraised and crunch numbers so now it's her turn to do the same. It's her move.

Thank you both for the well wishes. I hope you both enjoy the weekend too. Finally in the 60's at night.

Time to build a fire and relax out back.


gr8
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/03/10 03:02 PM

J-entry

I feel like I'm in a different limbo now.

I have aaccepted the fact that my M is over and moved on from that limbo.
Now I feel like I'm in limbo land again with the house and finances.

I thought once I gave her what she wanted, agreeing to D, that she would be relieved and would want to move forward.

Almost two weeks have passed and not a word about the email about the house.

I know things will be difficult next month once D5 starts school.

Also I have my S2 3rd b-day coming up and the end of next week.

Oh yeah and it will be my 1 year anniversary (8/21) when the bomb was dropped on me. Or now I would like to refer to it as when the new me was born, haha.

Enjoying one day at a time.
gr8
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/04/10 10:33 AM

update

Received a response about the weekend w\schedule for the kids.

I had suggested we take the kids for a full weekend once a month so we could enjoy a weekend for ourselves. Right now I have the kids Saturday afternoon.

She responds back with: Every other weekend would be good.
I'm not sure if I want to do every other weekend.

Also she added that her mom is having people over for S3 B-Day next Friday and as always, I am welcome to come.

Not sure about going there. I'm thinking more on the lines of have a party at home for him on Saturday.
Posted By: pinhead

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/04/10 11:20 AM

Do what YOU want. What's best for your S.

My wife wanted to take the girls on Sat to a waterpark in our town. At first I didn't think anything of it, but then realized it was the day I was going to take them fishing for the first time. And she had them all last weekend (4 days) though she only spent 1 day with them while her father watched them so she could get drunk with her friends.

So, fishing it is.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/04/10 01:16 PM

ph,
I agree about doing what's best for the kids.

I did goto D5 party last year at her moms and thant was a week after she moved out. My DB coach suggested I go and enjoy the moment for my D, however that was when I thought there was hope the reconcile.
This time it's different, I'm in a different mind set and really don't want to see her or her family. I also don't want the kids to get false hope by seeing us together. D5 just two weeks ago was crying to me about that so I don't want her to have those feelings revisit her.

W did say at the end of her invite that she would understand if I didn't come.

Her P's have been D for 20+ years. Her mom remarried and dad didn't.
They both would come to family functions in the past.
I think W thinks we will have the same R with eachother has her P's do.

Maybe, but not anytime soon.

She also blocked me from her FB account. I don't know why I could see anything on her wall.

Just waiting for her to reply the the email about the finances.
She replied to my other other emails about the kids and schedule.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/09/10 01:25 PM

Received an email from W regarding to weekend schedule. She is OK with the once a month schedule. In her latest reply she did invite me to S2 3rd Bday party at her moms. She said I was welcome but understood if I didn't show.

Puppy,ROBX, SMQ- others who know my sitch:

any thoughts on accepting the invitation?

Also should I bring up the fact that it's been three weeks and she still hasn't replied about the house finances?

Feeling a little confused this morning.

Thanks, Gr8
Posted By: pinhead

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/09/10 03:13 PM

gr8, that's the same issue I've been trying to unravel. We've always celebrated the holidays with her parents since they live much closer than my parents. But it seems scary how uncomfortable everyone will be. If you can be there for your S, I would go. Those times won't be coming around again...
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/09/10 03:44 PM

Thanks PH,

I did go to my D5 Bday party at her moms last november. But that was a different sitch. She had just moved out 1 week prior to it and I still had a lot of hope back then.

Not sure about going, I know if I don't I will have something for S3 at my house this weekend.

Any thoughts whether to email her about the finances?

If she wanted a D then why the wait?
I emailed her the numbers awhile ago.

D5 starts school in a month so things will once again change with our schedules.

W did talk to my about the kids the pass two times she dropped them off. Which she has said anything to me the prior 50 times.

Not mind reading but maybe she feels more comfortacle around me b/c am not showing any interest in her.

I do want closure though.

I will wait one more week before bringing up the finances.

I would like to lock into a mortgage while the rates are low.
Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/09/10 04:05 PM

Quote:
any thoughts on accepting the invitation?


I wouldn't go. She wants to appear nice for the sake of the kids, it just confuses them and gives them false hope.

Quote:
Also should I bring up the fact that it's been three weeks and she still hasn't replied about the house finances?


Just meet to get her to sign the papers, don't wait on her.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/09/10 04:17 PM

Thanks coach.

It's been awhile.

I wasn't thinking about going until she had mentioned I was welcome. Even then I didn't want to go except to see my son have a great day.

I need to reply to an email today, I will mention the finances.

Any special wording???

I was thinking something like this:

Finally, it's been three weeks since I sent you the numbers for the house. I would like to move forward with closure and settle up everything else too.
I feel it is time to meet with the mediator so we could move on with our lives.


Don't want to sound like a prick but want to be assertive.
I have been totally fair with every aspect of the division of assets.
Thoughts?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/09/10 06:10 PM

Sent email to W stating we need to move forward with the finances.

I took charge of the schedule for the next few weeks and also told her we should contact the mediator and set an appointment.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/10/10 05:23 PM

update:

As you know I am waiting for W to contact me about the financial proposal I emailed to her 2.5 weeks ago.

Yesterday I emailed her about S2 3rd Bday party she invited me to.
I said ---"I don't feel it would be a good idea for me to go to the party, D5 still has thoughts of us getting back together and I don't want to feed that fantasy"

So today received a text from W saying "What's a good time to call?"


I called her at lunch and said what's up??

She gave me an update about the kids schedule next week and said I didn't have to get a baby sitter. I said OK

Her tone was up beat with me.

She then asks if we could meet to talk Saturday mornin
g.
I replied that I may have plans to meet my sister for breakfast.

She said we could meet after that so I said let's meet at Starbucks. I asked her to give me a time b/c I know I will be there and she is usually late.

So we agreed to meet this Saturday to talk.

I'm not sure what to expect b/c she has been giving me updates about the kids the pass few times she dropped them off and also her tone today seemed happy.

I also haven't heard about anything she has been doing over the past few months.
After our meeting in May and receiving answers from her that she did not want to work on M, I started to go out with OW.

It's been 3.5 five months since I have been out with OW and know there's a lot of good women out there.

The last thing I expect her to say is let's try to work on R.

Isn't that the way it works??

The thing that you least expect come through???

I need to mentally prepare for all out comes the weekend.
Posted By: idontunderstand

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/10/10 05:45 PM

gr8-

It sounds like you are taking charge of things. Continue to be the leader. Lead don't follow. It sounds so simple but I'm sure it's true. I know it is in my sitch.

Who knows what your W want to talk about on Sat. Try not to mind read. Go with an open mind and no expectations. No expectations = no disappointment.

Tell you son happy b'day for me. He's three and doesn't care what you do for his b'day as long as you make it his day. It will be special because he's with you.

It sucks so much with little ones. All we can do is make it as good as we can.

Good luck.

IDU
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/10/10 06:05 PM

thanks idu.

I have been Leading,taking control of my life and family(kids).

I forgot to mention, during our convo today when she asked if we could meet, I asked her- Can't we just do it over the phone? My tone was confident and direct.

She paused and said- No I think I would like to meet face to face.

that's when I agreed.

Not sure if it means anything and I'm not going to even begin to speculate.

Will listen though.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/10/10 06:48 PM

just read this from "Quotes found on DB"

You can hunker down in fear, waiting for him to drop D papers on you.

Or...


Here is what I would do if I were you -

Email to STBXH - I have some business concerning the divorce that I need to discuss with you. I have decided not to tackle these issues in email, so I am inviting you to meet me for a coffee at xyz. I can do it xday or yday - which one works best for you? Any time on either of those days is good - name it. Thanks. D

When he agrees to a time and day -

D to STBXH - I have decided to move forward with our divorce. I would still like to work on our M but the writing is on the wall that you are not willing - so be it. I'm moving ahead. One of us must file - I am prepared to do so unless you already have the wheels in motion to do so. In that case, here is my lawyer's card and she/he will receive your papers. I wanted to tell you face to face that I will go forward with this. Are there any loose ends you would like to tie off with me before this ball starts rolling?

Then listen. Do not fire back. Just listen.

Why would I do this?
B/c I, like Ferris Bueller's friend Cameron believe: "I am not going to sit on my a$$, as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I'm going to take a stand..."

With my approach, you stare down what you're so damned afraid of AND you open the door for communication.

Looks win-win to me.

That's what I would do.

Greek



Couldn't agree more with this statement.

Action speaks louder than words..... Actions trump fears.
Posted By: pinhead

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/10/10 06:57 PM

Damn. A Ferris Bueller quote too!

:0
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/10/10 06:57 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive


So today received a text from W saying "What's a good time to call?"


I called her at lunch and said what's up??

She gave me an update about the kids schedule next week and said I didn't have to get a baby sitter. I said OK

Her tone was up beat with me.

She then asks if we could meet to talk Saturday mornin
g.
I replied that I may have plans to meet my sister for breakfast.

She said we could meet after that so I said let's meet at Starbucks. I asked her to give me a time b/c I know I will be there and she is usually late.

So we agreed to meet this Saturday to talk.

I'm not sure what to expect b/c she has been giving me updates about the kids the pass few times she dropped them off and also her tone today seemed happy.

I also haven't heard about anything she has been doing over the past few months.
After our meeting in May and receiving answers from her that she did not want to work on M, I started to go out with OW.

It's been 3.5 five months since I have been out with OW and know there's a lot of good women out there.

The last thing I expect her to say is let's try to work on R.


I think that's EXACTLY what she's going to want to discuss.


Whether or not she's SINCERE or not yet, I haven't followed your sitch closely enough to say, but it has all the earmarks:

- the amount of time that's passed;
- you've dated OW;
- you've maintained a strong, upbeat stance, that is attractive to her;
- deadlines (legal or financial) are closing in on her.
- her tone (loving)

Heads up. BE PREPARED.

Puppy
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/10/10 07:24 PM

Hey Puppy,

I though you may have black listed me.

I trust your evaluation:

Quote:
I think that's EXACTLY what she's going to want to discuss.

Whether or not she's SINCERE or not yet, I haven't followed your sitch closely enough to say, but it has all the earmarks:

- the amount of time that's passed;
- you've dated OW;
- you've maintained a strong, upbeat stance, that is attractive to her;
- deadlines (legal or financial) are closing in on her.
- her tone (loving)

Heads up. BE PREPARED.

Puppy


Say it does happen, what should I be looking for?

My friend asked me this last week- " gr8, what if your W comes to you next week and says she wants to work on M?"

Knowing that I am going out w/ OW I told her that I was unsure but would probably not take her back.

Now that I'm totally over her and the M and have moved on, she now..now wants to stir the pot? WTF?

Pin...
where the Ferris Beuller quote??
I didn't do it on purpose.
Posted By: pinhead

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/10/10 07:28 PM

In the text you pasted from Greek.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/10/10 07:33 PM

Right, win-win. wink
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/10/10 08:07 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
Hey Puppy,

I though you may have black listed me.



Now why would I do THAT?? confused


Puppy
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/10/10 08:08 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive


Say it does happen, what should I be looking for?

My friend asked me this last week- " gr8, what if your W comes to you next week and says she wants to work on M?"


OK, perfect -- so you've had an entire week to think about this then.

So what did you come up with?? confused smirk

Puppy
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/10/10 10:36 PM

Quote:
OK, perfect -- so you've had an entire week to think about this then.

So what did you come up with??



I initially said I wouldn't take her back b/c I haven't seen any changes in her. That was the entent of the convo.
I haven't really thought about it since. Never actually thought it would ever happpen.


I heard here that there is a role reversal over time when the LBS be the WAW. There is a shift in power so to speak.

I feel this is happening to me.

I'm not putting the cart ahea of the carriage. So I will think about all possible scenarios for Saturday.

I will know more Saturday afternoon. t
Then I will take all the information in and process it. Then do what's best for me.

Who know maybe she wants to buy me out and going to propose her numbers. I know her grandfather has money s\and she's his only grand daughter.

No worries, everything will be OK for me no matter what happens. Until Saturday............
Posted By: pinhead

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/11/10 02:26 AM

gr8, you sound like you've got your head on straight. Remember the Force! Serve you it will...

Just remember your boundaries, your goals, and your kids. Makes the decision really easy.
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/11/10 03:45 AM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive


Now that I'm totally over her and the M and have moved on, she now..now wants to stir the pot? WTF?



That is an absolute given. grin grin grin

Who knows what W wants? If I were in your shoes, I'd be prepared to listen 85% and speak 3%. The other 12% can be silence. But, that's just me ...
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/11/10 01:58 PM

Quote:
Who knows what W wants? If I were in your shoes, I'd be prepared to listen 85% and speak 3%. The other 12% can be silence. But, that's just me ...


Vulc,
I think your speanking percentage is a little high.


Just received a call from my doctor, they said my last appointment was denied.
I know W's work was switching plans and she did say she didn't want to drop me if I didn't have coverage.
So I just texted her to find out if I'm still covered!

I don't think she woud drop me w/o telling me she was going to.

If she did I would have absolutely no respect for her.

Is it Saturday yet?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/11/10 02:05 PM

Ok

W just called me, yes I said called me, wow.

She updated me with the new insurance infomation and was pleasant on the phone. Who is this women?? haha.

Any way I thank her for the info and said I will be calling her Friday to say happy b-day to son. She said ok.
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/11/10 02:32 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
Quote:
Who knows what W wants? If I were in your shoes, I'd be prepared to listen 85% and speak 3%. The other 12% can be silence. But, that's just me ...


Vulc,
I think your speanking percentage is a little high.


Just received a call from my doctor, they said my last appointment was denied.
I know W's work was switching plans and she did say she didn't want to drop me if I didn't have coverage.
So I just texted her to find out if I'm still covered!

I don't think she woud drop me w/o telling me she was going to.

If she did I would have absolutely no respect for her.

Is it Saturday yet?


You're lucky. I'm pretty sure cheating H dropped me off his insurance. Don't even want to call him to ask. Guess I'm going to have to spend 3 days on the phone trying to figure that one out. mad

Yet another rescinded promise from H. (I'll keep you on insurance) Found out last week that insurance isn't covering surgery from 2 mos. ago. Also having problem again, hoping I don't need more surgery. Half tempted to call H, tell him all of this. I only have one asset and H is living in it. That might be incentive for H to rectify the sitch. crazy
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/11/10 02:33 PM

And ... like I said, be prepared to listen and do very, very little speaking. How's 1%???

I hope you get good news. smile smile smile
Posted By: pinhead

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/11/10 02:34 PM

Gr8,

Be careful not to expect anything.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/11/10 02:50 PM


"GIVE nothing; EXPECT nothing."
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/11/10 02:56 PM

Vulc
sorry to hear your having health again. The stressfulness of the whole thing is like no other.

Quote:
And ... like I said, be prepared to listen and do very, very little speaking. How's 1%???

I hope you get good news.



one percent is about right.

I don't know what news would be good at this point.
I know want I don't want and that's to go back to the way things were before.

I worked hard on myself the past year, feel pretty good about my accomplishments. I know what I want now and don't know if W could give that to me.

Like she once told me:
"I don't want to waste another 5 years just to be back here again"
or " We just bring out the worst in each other"

There are a lot of issues to be addressed if she does in fact reach out to me on Sat.
Posted By: idontunderstand

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/11/10 03:12 PM

Quote:
There are a lot of issues to be addressed if she does in fact reach out to me on Sat.


YESSIR!!!!!

You sound like you are in the perfect frame of mind for this meeting.

Quote:
I know what I want now and don't know if W could give that to me.


Let me channel my inner Puppy------ whistle whistle whistle whistle ( wink )
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/11/10 03:15 PM

idu

too funny, thanks for the laugh.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/11/10 03:20 PM

Puppy,

at this point in my sitch and with all the crap I've been through and learned, I don't think there's anything she can say to shock me.

Well maybe one---- I'm pregnant and want to come back! mad confused

NO EXPECTATIONS! cool whistle
Posted By: pinhead

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/11/10 03:22 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive


I worked hard on myself the past year, feel pretty good about my accomplishments. I know what I want now and don't know if W could give that to me.

Like she once told me:
"I don't want to waste another 5 years just to be back here again"
or " We just bring out the worst in each other"

There are a lot of issues to be addressed if she does in fact reach out to me on Sat.



You and I are at the exact same place I think.
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/11/10 03:38 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

I worked hard on myself the past year, feel pretty good about my accomplishments. I know what I want now and don't know if W could give that to me.


Yup. Yup. Yup. I am right there with you on that one.

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

I don't think there's anything she can say to shock me.

Well maybe one---- I'm pregnant and want to come back! mad confused


Not to be a raging cynic, ( whistle whistle whistle which I sorta have always been) but I keep waiting for H to announce he knocked up fat f^&king whore. At this point, that's about the only thing H can say that will shock/amaze/possibly hurt me.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/11/10 05:29 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
Puppy,

at this point in my sitch and with all the crap I've been through and learned, I don't think there's anything she can say to shock me.

Well maybe one---- I'm pregnant and want to come back! mad confused

NO EXPECTATIONS! cool whistle



Just remember, there's nothing wrong with you saying to her -- in response to WHATEVER she brings up -- "I'm just not sure how I feel about that anymore."

or

"I'm afraid it's not that easy anymore."

or

"I don't know HOW I feel."

or

"I'm not sure WHAT I want to do. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me, and I'll certainly think hard about them."

etc.

Puppy
Posted By: pinhead

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/11/10 05:37 PM

Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
Puppy,

at this point in my sitch and with all the crap I've been through and learned, I don't think there's anything she can say to shock me.

Well maybe one---- I'm pregnant and want to come back! mad confused

NO EXPECTATIONS! cool whistle



Just remember, there's nothing wrong with you saying to her -- in response to WHATEVER she brings up -- "I'm just not sure how I feel about that anymore."

or

"I'm afraid it's not that easy anymore."

or

"I don't know HOW I feel."

or

"I'm not sure WHAT I want to do. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me, and I'll certainly think hard about them."

etc.

Puppy


And PDT takes another one long...

I wish there was a way to rank posts, so ones like this could have 5 stars.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/11/10 06:17 PM

Quote:
Just remember, there's nothing wrong with you saying to her -- in response to WHATEVER she brings up -- "I'm just not sure how I feel about that anymore."
or
"I'm afraid it's not that easy anymore."
or
"I don't know HOW I feel."
or
"I'm not sure WHAT I want to do. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me, and I'll certainly think hard about them."



All very good Puppy.

My mind set going into this meeting is to listen, gather information, and to have a cup of coffee.

Then go home and process the info and make a good sound decision that will be the best for me AND my kids.
Posted By: pinhead

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/11/10 06:18 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
Quote:
Just remember, there's nothing wrong with you saying to her -- in response to WHATEVER she brings up -- "I'm just not sure how I feel about that anymore."
or
"I'm afraid it's not that easy anymore."
or
"I don't know HOW I feel."
or
"I'm not sure WHAT I want to do. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts with me, and I'll certainly think hard about them."



All very good Puppy.

My mind set going into this meeting is to listen, gather information, and to have a cup of coffee.

Then go home and process the info and make a good sound decision that will be the best for me AND my kids.




whistle whistle whistle whistle
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/11/10 06:39 PM

Thanks PH

You stated you are in the same place I'm at in an earlier post.
That's great for you, it took me a long time to get where I'm at.

I feel better now then I did 10 years ago, PMA baby!

Like Bob Marley sang "Every little thing, is gonna be alright"
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/11/10 07:13 PM

Originally Posted By: pinhead


And PDT takes another one long...



Ehh, he's obviously juicin'. Just look how big his HEAD is. wink smirk
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/11/10 07:14 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive


All very good Puppy.

My mind set going into this meeting is to listen, gather information, and to have a cup of coffee.

Then go home and process the info and make a good sound decision that will be the best for me AND my kids.





BINGO!!!


Puppy
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/12/10 01:50 PM

uugghhh

W called me b/c she just found opened an email up from me stating there is/was a trip at school for D5 today.

She said please send it to my work email b/c that is the only time she's on the computer. We talked about comunicating such things with a phone call in the future.

Then she says:
"Not to guilt you into coming but S2 was asking if were coming to the party" WTF???

I told her I talk to S2 and that I would be celebrating is Bday over the weekend.

I then said I would call her tomorrow to talk to S2 and wish him a happy Bday and I would see her and Saturday.

She then says "See me Saturday?"
I said yes to meet.
She said not this Saturday it's next Saturday.

I now know she has a difficult time communicating.
She is pushing me futher away.

Why the heck would she bring up the bit about the guilt trip?

So now I have to wait until next Saturday. Frustrating.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/12/10 03:17 PM

Any thoughts on her saying that comment about S2 wanting me there for Bday?

Yesterday I thought she might want to talk R when we meet. Now I'm not too sure. Especially since she said- In the future when I need to tell her about something with the kids to please call her.

I'll stop mind reading now and take one day at a time b4 I get a 2x4.


I did stand my ground when when spoke today which is a 180 for me.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/12/10 03:26 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive


I'll stop mind reading now and take one day at a time b4 I get a 2x4.



I was gonna say . . . smirk


Puppy
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/12/10 03:30 PM

See......People can change and learn. LOL

Back to thoughts about what I'm going to do for me this weekend! cool
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/12/10 05:22 PM

It just dawned on me now that since our meeting is moved to next Saturday, it will be on the 1 year anniversary of the bomb being dropped!

Coincidence???
Posted By: pinhead

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/12/10 05:27 PM

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pFAJapLN4XU
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/12/10 05:59 PM

you want another???

my company produces a document titled: Lincoln-Kennedy Coincidence!

Funny you posted that!

What's the 3 digit lottery going to be tonight?? 821? eerie
Posted By: beingreal

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/12/10 09:40 PM

Hey, thanks gr8! It looks like you are doing well, keep going. It's not easy, I've come so far & still have a ways to go. Although I'm now completely opposite of where I was when I started. lol. Go figure.

Am I reading that correctly, is your son going to be 3 tomorrow? My little dude is going to be three tomorrow!! Small world. lol
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/13/10 12:45 AM

Quote:
Am I reading that correctly, is your son going to be 3 tomorrow? My little dude is going to be three tomorrow!! Small world. lol


Too small, that is something!

Doing much better, thanks.

Hope you have your little guy tomorrow, I don't. frown
Posted By: 2gthrButApart

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/13/10 12:46 AM

I'll be 28 tomorrow and was actually born on a Friday the 13th so it's extra fun tomorrow. Enjoy!!
Posted By: beingreal

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/13/10 05:22 AM

oh my gosh... I didn't even think about it being Friday the 13th!!

Happy Birthday to you, 2g.

And to our little men, gr8. I have him for a little bit. I'm glad I have him at all, I was supposed to go to work but am on a low census day from the hospital.

Don't worry, your little man will enjoy his special time with you, whenever it is. I promise.

(((hugs)))
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/13/10 01:01 PM

Happy birthday 2gthrButApart

be safe, be very safe. haha
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/13/10 01:07 PM

Keeter, read this analogy.
It really help me early on.


PICNIC ANALOGY:
Imagine that the WAS is inside an impenetrable castle. WAS is deep inside the castle walls and has no desire to see the outside world. WAS has his/her own world right there inside those cold, stone walls.

Then there's you. You're sitting on the other side of the moat (drawbridge is up, btw). You've got a nice blanket laid out on the cool, green grass, and you're enjoying yourself by having a wonderful picnic all alone. You're absolutely content with this, and aren't even concerned with the castle and the WAS within (in fact, you've got your back to it).

Eventually, WAS gets a little curious about the what's going on outside the castle, and decides to take a peak over the walls. WAS sees you, just sitting there enjoying yourself. He/She is surprised, because previously you had been throwing rocks at the castle, singing and dancing in hopes of getting their attention. WAS is wondering what you're up to, and why you're so content. After a while, WAS decides to lower the drawbridge and join you at your picnic. WAS sits down, and you just act as if -- you're happy, confident, etc. Suddenly, WAS realized where he/she is and what he/she is doing, and it scares the hell out him/her. WAS jumps up and dashes back to the castle for no apparent reason. You however, didn't even budge or flinch. WAS peeks back out to see what you're doing, and notices that you're still sitting in the same place, enjoying yourself without concern. Again, WAS is surprised, and eventually comes out again. This time WAS stays a little longer, but again gets spooked and runs back. However, you're still not deterred from enjoying your picnic. The WAS's visits begin to happen more and more, and they last longer and longer. Once he/she realizes that there is no risk for him/her (i.e. that you won't bring up the R, pursue her, get angry, become needy, etc), WAS begins to reflect on things, and begins questioning his/her choice to go to the castle. In time, WAS decides to bring up the R, and this is when you can discuss it with him/her because WAS is ready and has initiated the talk.

THIS is why it is important to avoid pursuing, because it gives the WAS the opportunity to miss you, reflect, see your changes and strength, etc. So, the next time me or anyone else tells you to just enjoy your picnic, you'll know what it means. This is a term that we used a lot this summer, but it kind of went away. I think it describes the pursuit dynamic perfectly. Don't chase the WAS back into the castle and hold him/her captive by standing outside the walls and trying to get his/her attention. As long as this is the case, it is likely that they'd rather starve themselves in their castle than come out.
Posted By: 2gthrButApart

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/13/10 01:08 PM

Thanks! Haha I was born on Fri the 13th maybe that explains a lot LOL. We have an all black chihuahua is it bad luck if she crosses my path? :-p

Enjoy your day!
Posted By: 2gthrButApart

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/13/10 01:19 PM

Gr8 day.... Love the picnic analogy!
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/13/10 05:10 PM

I was thinking about my upcoming meeting with W next week.

Is it wrong for me to think that, if she wanted to talk to me about R that she would try to meet me ASAP?? Especially since she knows I'm seeing OW.

Greek, I know you contact Coach through a text, did you fear he would be with a OW at all?

Puppy, what's your take on that thought?

Any others out there in this situation?
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/13/10 06:10 PM

Yeah, I would think MOST WOMEN would want to meet ASAP (and most men, for that matter), but not all.

How calm/cool/collected/patient/shrewd does she tend to be, normally?

Did she out-of-the-box shoot for next week, or did she ask when, you said you were kinda busy, and she was simply 'okay' with next week?

Puppy
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/13/10 06:22 PM

I guess see feel the weekend is the best time to meet.
The kids are are going to a show with her mom next Saturday and staying the night there.

This frees us both up b/c the kids are either with me or with her.

If she wanted to meet ASAP then she would have to get a sitter.

She works second shift and I work 9-5.

It just seems like if she knows I'm seeing OW then she would be anxious to talk to me right away b/c of the fear of me sleeping with OW.

I'm not mind reading but would like to know what to expect.

I'll find out next week. And will be in close tune to her interactions with me leading up to the day.
Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/13/10 06:44 PM

Quote:
what to expect.


What are the options?

Proceed or reconcile?

What else is her business?

What are your responses?

What is your exit strategy?

No expectations helps from getting emotional. Nothing has to be decided. When in doubt, "I need some time to think about that."

Avoid using "you" statements and listen to see if she uses them on you (mind-reading or blaming).

Be totally prepared. Have a story to tell her to relax things. What will you wear? Show up after her, how will you approach her? Where will you sit? New shirt, cologne, be the first to leave. You be in control of you.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/13/10 06:56 PM

Hey coach.

I already have the correct mind set for the meeting. If she goes into R talk I will listen and give no definitive answers.

If she goes into D talk then I will listen and respond accordingly.

As for me i will look good when I meet her.

I think I'm OK with the meeting.

What's your thoughts about her not meeting right away if it's above R talk?

If I were in her shoes I would want to meet ASAP to discuss R.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/13/10 07:12 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive


I'm not mind reading but would like to know what to expect.



'Course you are. Cuz you want to know what to expect. smirk


Puppy
Posted By: beingreal

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/13/10 10:55 PM

gr8, are you on the alt?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/14/10 06:32 PM

Quote:
gr8, are you on the alt?



Don't know what this means????
Posted By: mza8

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/14/10 06:38 PM

Alt = Facebook
Posted By: gucci loafer

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/14/10 07:05 PM

You are making a mistake with meeting her in person...

You are opening yourself up to a big letdown. No matter how much you want to say differently, you have already tried to turn this meeting into a "she wants to reconcile talk"..


Your BEST move here is to CANCEL the meeting. YOU cancel..


Get some nads here... YOU call her up and you tell her that you have been doing some thinking.. and YOU have decided that you really don't think you need to meet and that if she has something to tell you to just say it over the phone. Tell her you are very busy...

You need HER to think that you are NOT interested in a meeting and that anything she has to say can just be said right over the phone. Here and now...

Quit playing into her drama...


IF she wants to get back together, then cancelling the meeting is even smarter for you to do. It will make her PANIC even more. If she doesn't want to get back together, then you haven't wasted YOUR VALUABLE TIME...

Men who act like you do regarding meetings and dates with a woman who has dumped then, don't get the woman back. Stop dancing to her tune, and start her dancing to YOUR TUNE..

(by the way.. good job on bringing OW into the picture. Keep her in it) Tell your WS that you don't think it would be wise to meet her because you are "kinda seeing someone"..
then tell her no more...be vague... stay vague... ( I suspect she already knows)
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/15/10 03:02 AM

Hey gucci thanks for stopping by.

Quote:
You are opening yourself up to a big letdown


Not really here, I think if I WANTED my W back you would be
right in telling me to cancel.
Quite frankly, I don't have any feelings towards my W anymore.

I don't respect her and pretty much all her decision thus far.

Found out tonight she has been sleeping around. And with people from work.( Why do people [censored] where they eat????)

Just another decision W made to push me further away.

I just can't be with someone who is so negative and has low self esteem.

SHe may or may not know that I have been seeing OW, I dont care either way.

Also found out tonight that of parenting skills are shitty too.
That was something she was so very good at. Yet another negative thing.

I;ve worked hard on myself the past year and have leared to surround myself with positive people in my life.
My W is not a positive person and I do not have room in my life for her.


I will keep this meeting with her and if she brings up R talk, I will hear her out then I will move into finance talk.

I am more concerned about my financial future than my R future with her.

this is a business meeting for me.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/15/10 03:09 AM

BR,

I have an account there but rarely go on except when I recieve an email notification.

Why you ask?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/15/10 01:26 PM

Thought about the whole situation again this morning.

Our M was a low sex M and I think she's out there trying to fill her needs for physical attention.

I could understand if she was in a R with some OM but to have multiple partners just to get her rocks off is scarey.

Greek, remember back in May when I thought my W would be ho-ing it up when she want on vacation??? You asked me if she was that type of person and I said no.

Looks like we were both wrong.

So I was right on saying that her "friend" would be a bad influence on her. Among other things.

gucci, i might canca\el the meaning now just b/c I really have nothing to say to her.
I broke down the finances and emailed her the info.
Nothing really needs to be discussed in person.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/15/10 01:55 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive


gucci, i might canca\el the meaning now just b/c I really have nothing to say to her.
I broke down the finances and emailed her the info.
Nothing really needs to be discussed in person.



Originally, I was in favor of the meeting, as your expectations seemed to be fairly in check. In light of your new discoveries, I think it'd be a great idea to cancel it, using basically the words that Gooch suggests above.

Puppy
Posted By: Greek

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/15/10 02:01 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive


Greek, remember back in May when I thought my W would be ho-ing it up when she want on vacation??? You asked me if she was that type of person and I said no.

Looks like we were both wrong.


Sorry, gr8. Wish it weren't true. So you know what to do - take care of and protect yourself. Knowledge is power - even sh!tty news like this. You know where you stand and can make a good decision.

Like our friend Coach says ~~~ you can handle it.

I'm with Puppy and Gooch - cancel the meeting.

Greek
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/15/10 02:31 PM

I have decided to contact her and cancel the meeting.

I think she is struggling with her inner being now.
I do think she want to meet about R talk and that's something I'm not willing to discuss.

My thinking now is that she is getting a strong dose of reality right now and realizing the grass isn't greener.

She's receiving negative vibes from her family and her decisions.
She's may now be starting to realize that she HAD a great guy and b/c her sexual adventure aren't fulfilling her life she is scared and thinks she still had me to fall back on.

Well I have checked out. So when she falls I will not be there to catch her.

Funny, a year ago I would have died for her. Now, well......
I just wish her well.
I learned never to say never so I want say it here....

I will post my updates.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/15/10 02:56 PM

AWFUL lot of mindreading there, Gr8, but I'm glad you decided to cancel the meeting. What are you going to say to her as to why??
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/15/10 03:37 PM

Puppy,

I know it it may have been mind reading but I chose to write b/c its the way I feel. I'm jusifying my feelings.

I need to get away from her now.

I am just going to tell her I'm busy. Let her think about what busy means..

Something suddenly came up! M. Brady
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/15/10 03:41 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
I have decided to contact her and cancel the meeting.

I think she is struggling with her inner being now.
I do think she want to meet about R talk and that's something I'm not willing to discuss.



Gr8, this reminded me of something I've written that I'd like to re-post to you here:


Types of Convos

Exactly. Here's the thing: if someone is in an ongoing, unrepentant affair, there are only a few types of conversations/communications they can have with their betrayed spouse, and ALL of them are cheeseless tunnels for the BS:

1) NEGATIVE ones. Blame-making, re-writing marital history, angry outbursts, fight-picking, etc. 'nuff said.

2) Seemingly POSITIVE ones. So long as they are still in contact with OM/OW and lying to their spouse about it, these are all "bullchit spin" at best, and outright GASLIGHTING and LIES at worse. And the problem is, the betrayed spouse inevitably sees this as "baby steps!" and true marital progress, when they are no such thing. They can lead to horrible strategic and tactical mistakes, esp. if the BS doesn't have a good intel system in place. Reading my old journal yesterday, I was BLOWN AWAY at how stable I was able to be in the face of my wife's deceit, simply because I HAD INTEL TO SHOW ME OTHERWISE. This can't be overemphasized.

3) LEGAL/FINANCIAL ones. These are best handled by your attorney, for the obvious reasons. If you start negotiating yourself, when you are way, way, WAY too emotionally entrenched in the situation (and also often running on too-little sleep and WAY too-little emotional needs of your own being met), YOU WILL MAKE FOOLISH MISTAKES and UNWISE CONCESSIONS.

4) FAMILY/LOGISTICAL ones. These are fine, but best handled via e-mail or text message. A cheating spouse will use these as a ploy to lure you into R convos and worse; SEE #1 ABOVE.

5) SMALL-TALK. This is fine, but only in RESPONSE -- don't initiate it if your strategy is to go "dim" and if it's to go "dark" you shouldn't even respond. If it's "dim," then only respond to one of every several communications, and usually delayed, because you're BUSY and GETTING A LIFE, remember?

Puppy

Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/15/10 04:25 PM

Pup, thanks for the post there.

In the interim I emailed my W this because I don't want to speak to her:

I was doing some thinking about the meeting next Saturday.
I have decided that we really don't need to meet and that anything that you need to say
can been done through a phone call or an email.
I'm busy Saturday mornings and I don't have time to meet.

Also if there anything in the house you need or want let me know.
I am getting D5e a new bed so you can take her existing bed back.
Do you want any of the baby stuff...eg high chair, special clothing the kids wore.
The dolls your grandfather gave her.

I am cleaning out the house of everything I don't need or want.
Anything you want I will put in the garage for the time being.
I would like it picked up before the weather changes b/c I will be parking in the garage
when the weather changes. If I'm still living here.

PS. The only reason why I sent things to your personal email account is b/c I didn't
think it was appropriate to discuss our personal matters on you work account.


She won't get this email until tonight when she goes to work.

I did write back a few months ago once she crossed that line with sleeping around I would be totally done.
That line has ben crossed.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/16/10 01:40 PM

Found out this morning from our one and only mutual friend that W contacted her last night through an email.

So I know she received my email about the meeting.

Before I do more mind reading, has there been any one out there who cancelled a meeting with the WAS when they wanted to meet??

If so how did they respond?

tbart- I know you are a little head of my timeline.

Have you pulled away from your W at all?

trying not thnk about W, need to focus on better life for me.

I know if I meet with W I will be straight forward with my feelings.
I feel her friend is a drunk ho and she is becoming like her friend.(I'll have to bite my tongue hard not to say this).

gucci, it feels good.

Time to focus on my 40th, man oh man where does the time go??
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/16/10 02:20 PM

Puppy, and othrs who busted an affair and are now with spouse:

Me thinking aboout the what if's here.

How do you get through the thoughts about other people knowing your spouse slelpt with someone else.

Even if I did decide to work on M, I feel since she slept with someone at work there could issues there.

Do I ask her who she slept with?
I think this information would need to known, right?
Posted By: bustorama

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/16/10 02:24 PM

Hey gr8 day, a book that may help you with some of your questions about her affair with OM at work is

Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass
Posted By: beingreal

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/16/10 04:12 PM

Hi gr8,

I asked about the alt because sometimes it's easier to communicate there. Most of us have private accounts based on our screen names here, then you just become a fan of DB. I was just wondering.

I also think you did the right thing in canceling the meeting. If she is in that much confusion right now, I don't think anything productive could come out of a face to face.

As far as knowing all about the A & who the OMen were...

Is it really going to matter?

Is *who* she slept with going to impact whether or not you can forgive her & work on your M? Would you be more willing to get over an encounter with a skinny average looking dude than you would some good looking CEO?

I don't think it would because I don't think it matters to you. Your pain & feelings of betrayal aren't based on the OM, they are based on your W's actions. Knowing all the details won't help you if you decide to work on your M, but they might hinder your ability to work on it if you get caught up in those things you can't change. And then they just become future roadblocks that you are going to have to get through anyway, regardless if you get back together or go your separate ways.

So ask yourself if you really want to know? The logistics of her being in such a close work space with the OM is one thing... wanting to know details is another. Only you can answer that.



I know you were over on my thread in MLC, but have you read through any of the other ones there? Just from reading & from what I know about your sitch I have to wonder if your W is in MLC as opposed to being just a WAW. I know there are some who don't believe in MLC, and that's fine. There are a few differences in how you handle a WAW and an MLCer, though.

Almost all of us show up in MLC wanting to save the M, a lot of us end up not wanting that--like me. I'm not standing anymore... for a variety of reasons. The main difference is the work you do on yourself, you come to realize that you can't change the outcome, you can't change her mind, and tactics aren't going to work. What does work is how you get through this, and if it makes you a better person when this is done--regardless of outcome.

I don't agree with every facet of the MLC boards-- I think that your dating is not a bad thing, especially if it's been this long & you are doing it for the right reasons. I also don't think that you have to stand & wait for your M in order to show the other person that you love them. It's all in how you put the techniques into play. I've done so much work on myself in the past few months, I'm in a much better place than I was.

I hold absolutely no grudges or animosity towards my H. My life is already better & I'm grateful for the time we were together. I want nothing but good things for him, whichever path he chooses.

I couldn't have said that four months ago.


Anyway, just some thoughts, take them for what they are.

Hope you are having a good day!

btw--I saw you ramping up for your 40th, me too. What day? I just think that it's bizarre our sons were born on the same day.

Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/16/10 05:03 PM

bustorama.thanks for the title. i'llcheck it out.

being real

i read your post thanks. im atlunch and will reply soon.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/16/10 07:15 PM

BR
Quote:
As far as knowing all about the A & who the OMen were...

Is it really going to matter?



I think is does somewhat b/c I think if it was someone who she wouldn't be in contact ever again would make it easier.

Someone who she works with makes it difficult to go to any work functions.

I understand why she did it. We didn't have a great sex life when married. The lack of communication inhibited both of us from expressing what we wanted. Our mutual friend said that she didn't want to get anyone b/c she didn't want to get hurt again.

She is setting herself up for more disappointments. Does meaningless sex really fulfill one needs? Especially for a woman?


As for the MLC, I thought that early on but haven't persued any information on that.

I know you have come a long way in four months, I know I am so much better than a year ago.
I have learned so much here and I am totally a stronger person.

As for FB, I'll create a new profile. who should I "friend" to get on the board?

FYI 10/5 for my 40th.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/16/10 07:28 PM

Gucci- since I have nothing to lose, what would be the next move?? I have already cancelled the meeting.
Posted By: beingreal

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/16/10 08:21 PM

Tell you what, make the profile, find DB & *like* it, and I'll find you & send you a bunch of suggestions. I know mostly the people from MLC, but I'm sure you'll see more names that you recognize.

My 40th is a more... infamous day, if you know what I mean.

I can understand that it would make it harder to go to work functions. I also think that it still might make an awkward situation more difficult if you knew. IF you two were to work it out & you end up at the company picnic with the OM, what is the worst that could happen? People talk? Wait for some kind of reaction? She'll have chosen you by that point & you'll have chosen to forgive her.

Everyone knowing that she slept with Ray from the mailroom who happens to be at the same picnic with you is just going to be fodder for gossip. It will only be as uncomfortable as you let it be. Because really, in the grand scheme of things, who gives a flying f&^% what the typing pool thinks if you've managed to get this back on track?

;o)

The two of you will know what has happened, and how much work you've done to get to that point. The only opinions that will matter will be your own.

Just my two cents.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/16/10 09:51 PM


Quote:
Tell you what, make the profile, find DB & *like* it, and I'll find you & send you a bunch of suggestions. I know mostly the people from MLC, but I'm sure you'll see more names that you recognize.


Done, Greatday Tobe Alive, couldn't use letters


Just about two months, two days awat from my 40th.


Maybe I was getting ahead of myself thinkiong W wanted to tlak about R.

I have decided to take the advice from those here 100%.
I have nothing to lose at this point.
And I will be alright no matter the outcome, I know this is true too, 100%.
Posted By: beingreal

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/17/10 12:24 AM

Request & suggestions sent.

Good for you. This is as confusing as anything. But I like that attitude.

Regardless of the outcome... life will be good.

hang in there.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/17/10 01:35 PM

hey BR got the notification.
I did recognize some other dbers there too.

Ok,
So I received an email from W last night in response to my cancelling the meeting.

Here it is:
I wanted to meet to discuss several things concerning the kids. I feel that we are having a problem communicating effectively. That is why I have been trying just to call instead of going back and forth via text or email, because at times things are unclear. I was going to ask you again if you would go to parental counseling, so that we can effectively communicate and parent consistently.
Obviously, D5 has been asking you questions and I am unsure of what they are and how you responded to them. It would be helpful if I knew, so that when she asks me things I give her consistent answers.
As for the email, you have been sending me personal information to my work email this whole time. The information about a school trip was about the least personal of all the emails, and that is the one you decide to send to only my home account!

Regarding things in the house, I would like the antique furniture that was passed down to me. Baking/kitchen appliances that were in the basement cabinet. As for anything else, I would really need to look. I am not sure if you moved things or what is exactly there.


Nothing about the finances or the meeting with the mediator.

So what's my response to this email???

Meet and discuss co-parenting, then bring up the finances??

Could this co-parenting thing be a way for her to take a step on working on M?
We didn't communicate well while M.

Should I go know that she has mentioned this?

I didn't expect this from her! But nothing surprises me anymore.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/17/10 02:32 PM

Any thoughts on the meeting now Pup?
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/17/10 02:46 PM

There's nothing in her e-mail that refutes the advice to communicate with her on these issues via e-mail.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/17/10 02:49 PM

OK,
Should I just meet with then? Discuss the children and then tlak about the finances?
Or should I go and talk about just the kids and coparenting issues?
Or just contact her through email and phone?
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/17/10 03:02 PM

e-mail.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/17/10 03:24 PM

OK email it is.

I really don't feel the co-parenting counselor is needed.

She needs to be more clear in if communication. I know when I email her they are specific times and dates, not just Saturday morning.
I say Saturday the 21st at 10 am.

I know of two incidents the past two weeks where SHE told something then switched it around.

I know the communication is lacking on her side more more now.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/17/10 03:33 PM

That's just my opinion, Gr8. I'd be anxious to get Greek's, Coach's and others' opinions as well.

Puppy
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/17/10 03:50 PM

Thanks Pup, I'll wait to contact her back until I hear from others.

Hopefully sooner then later.
Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/17/10 03:53 PM

Quote:
That is why I have been trying just to call instead of going back and forth via text or email, because at times things are unclear. I was going to ask you again if you would go to parental counseling, so that we can effectively communicate and parent consistently


"I can understand why you feel we should go to a parental counseling, I can handle communicating and parenting. If there is something on your mind then ask, I will answer unless I think it is none of your business. I agree that we need to be consistent.
I will only use your personal e-mail from now on.
Here is what I think about the furniture, household goods _________________________.
Here is my proposal on the finances __________________.
The mediator can meet on _______________ or ________________. Which day is best for you?"

Lead.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/17/10 03:57 PM

Excellent. Thanks Coach.

It touches everyting that needs to be addressed.

For her- the counseling and communication.
For me - the finances and mediator.
Posted By: Greek

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/17/10 04:04 PM

Originally Posted By: Coach
Quote:
That is why I have been trying just to call instead of going back and forth via text or email, because at times things are unclear. I was going to ask you again if you would go to parental counseling, so that we can effectively communicate and parent consistently


"I can understand why you feel we should go to a parental counseling, I can handle communicating and parenting. If there is something on your mind then ask, I will answer unless I think it is none of your business. I agree that we need to be consistent.
I will only use your personal e-mail from now on.
Here is what I think about the furniture, household goods _________________________.
Here is my proposal on the finances __________________.
The mediator can meet on _______________ or ________________. Which day is best for you?"

Lead.

^^^ This...in an email.
Greek
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/17/10 07:40 PM

OK sent the email out to her just now. I did add a few lines though. I don't think they will construe the meaning.

Here's what I sent:
Quote:
I can understand why you feel we should go to a parental counseling, I can handle communicating and parenting. If there is something on your mind then ask, I will answer unless I think it is none of your business. I agree that we need to be consistent. For the most part I have continued to follow the schedule we were using before. We both know the rules.



As for D5, I have told her that me and mommy will not be getting back together but we both love her. I have been telling her to enjoy the time she has when she's with us.


I will only use your work e-mail from now on and copy your personal account .


I have no problem with the furniture that was giving to you that are antiques. I do want the food processor and blender since you already have the Kitchen aid mixer. With my new found hobby of cooking I use them often.


I already gave you my proposal for the finances. I have a copy of that email on case you erased it.



As for the mediator I am available on Saturday morning 8/28 until noon and on Saturday 9/12 all day.


Which day works best for you?





Let's see what develops
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/17/10 08:17 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
Excellent. Thanks Coach.

It touches everyting that needs to be addressed.

For her- the counseling and communication.
For me - the finances and mediator.




That's why he's . . .DA COACH.

He's like Ditka -- only fuzzier. smirk
Posted By: Greek

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/17/10 08:55 PM

Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

He's like Ditka -- only fuzzier. smirk


Rejecting this image completely! Blech!
Greek
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/17/10 09:00 PM


Les Miles?

Sean Payton??
Posted By: Greek

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/17/10 09:03 PM

Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Les Miles?
Too short
Quote:
Sean Payton??
Smacks his gum.

None compare, really.
Greek
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/17/10 09:04 PM

Wow, Coach . . . no WONDER you love this woman!!! smile
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/17/10 09:05 PM

The fetching Mrs. Puppy says I'm a cross between Larry David (as portrayed on "Curb") and Becker. I'm thinking that's probably not a good thing. crazy
Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/17/10 09:07 PM

Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
Wow, Coach . . . no WONDER you love this woman!!! smile


She has quite the way with words. That is just part of her beauty.
Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/17/10 09:09 PM

Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails
The fetching Mrs. Puppy says I'm a cross between Larry David (as portrayed on "Curb") and Becker. I'm thinking that's probably not a good thing. crazy


The kids on my team all think I look like Kieffer Sutherland. I had my daughter going for a while that I was on TV. My dog, Phoebe the Wonder Lab, even stopped to watch 24. cool
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/18/10 07:09 PM

Any update, Gr8?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/18/10 07:36 PM

Hey, welcome back.

I sent email out to her yesterday. I kow she got it.

She did call for the kids last night and even Monday night.

Today I dropped the kids off Get them big hugs and kisses and wished them a good time. They were both giddy this morning na ddidn't want to leave me.

We had an awesome three days together.

I gave W the choice of day to see mediator.

It just amazes me that you give someone everything the ask for and even do all the work for them and they can't even make a simple decision on which day to pick.

It may anger her that I sent that email but That's the way I feel and I have stopped concerning myself with HER feelings.

Headed to the concert Saturday night Toby/Trace.(8/21)

What a way to celebrate my one year anniversary!
Posted By: pinhead

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/18/10 07:38 PM

gr8,

They're paralyzed by fear. They have a fantasy view of life without us, but they instinctively know that any real action will jeopardize this fantasy.

Mind reading I know, but pretty obvious with my W.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/18/10 07:51 PM

Quote:
They're paralyzed by fear.


I know the feeling. I acted this way the first three months.

Sink or swim.

.............................the water feels great!
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/20/10 01:34 PM

Not much to report about the W. No reply to the suggested meeting days for the mediator.

D5 start Kindergarten in three weeks so I had to make arrangements to have her dropped off at school. My little guy will continue to go to the same daycare.

I thought I would be out a lot of money for child care but it seems I will be reducing that cost starting in September.
That was a big relief for me.

Looking forward to have them both in school.

Although it is hard at times taking care of two little ones by myself I feel a sense of an accomplishment.

I'm feeling pretty good today, looking back at all the fears I had over the past year and addressing each one.

Going to celebrate my one year anniversary with a concert tomorrow night.
Posted By: DanF

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/20/10 01:51 PM

Keep-up the great work with your kids Gr8. You are doing a nice job.

If W doesn't respond about a date for mediation, you should just tell the mediator your dates and let them schedule it with your W. Then she will HAVE to respond.

The anniversaries during this period are very hard. I had my 14th on July 20. I went out for drinks with some friends and then to a club. Stayed out all night and away from W.

Who are you going to the concert with? I hope you have a great time.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/20/10 02:09 PM

Hey DanF than ks for the props with the kids. If I do hear back by next week I'll call the mediator myself. I don't know why she hasn't replied but she hasn't.



My anniversary is the date my bomb was dropped 8/21. I have taken time this week to review my earlier posts from last year and reflect. My what a difference a year makes.

Funny thing my wedding anniversary is 11/03, the date on my profile. which I officially became a member.

Going to see Toby Keith and Trace Atkins with a new female friend. smile

Should be a great time, the weather is going to cooperate.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/20/10 03:31 PM

gucci,

meeting cancelled. have you read the updates?

gr8
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/20/10 03:34 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive


Although it is hard at times taking care of two little ones by myself I feel a sense of an accomplishment.

I'm feeling pretty good today, looking back at all the fears I had over the past year and addressing each one.

Going to celebrate my one year anniversary with a concert tomorrow night.



Atta boy, Gr8. Sometimes the view out the windshield is so daunting, that we need to look BACK, out the rear window, to see all that we've accomplished, and rest in it a bit.

Puppy
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/21/10 03:09 PM

Well, I just want to say that it has been one year since my bomb was dropped and my world didn't end.

For those new here life will get better and to continue to work on yourselves.

Hard work pays off. You may not recognize it but others will.

gr88
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/22/10 03:59 PM

Oh man, just having one of those days!

First, the OW I was spending so much time with over the past few months said she didn't want to see me anymore b/c I can't commit to her 100%. She is totally right and deserves someone who can give that to her. BTW, yesterday 8/21 was when W dropped bomb on me. My friend told me next year not to leave the house and commincate with no one on 8/21. haha

I haven't given up yet on my M. At times I feel things could work out then those times I feel they can't.
I am trying to focus on the positives.

I did receive a response back from on this morning.

She asked to keep the kids next weekend to take them to the beach. Asked about the schedule for the kids when they start school and offered to help me work out the scheduling if I needed help.

She finished with:
I will call the mediator tomorrow, September 12th works for her.

At a loss right now how to proceed.

Should I suggest meeting to talk about the finances?
The more we have together the less the mediator's time we will need.

I'm missing my family right now. I know once D5 starts school it will be another change in life. I know I will be able to handle it.
Just like to share those passages of life by the kids when W.

Any words of wisdom???
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/22/10 04:12 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive


She finished with:
I will call the mediator tomorrow, September 12th works for her.

At a loss right now how to proceed.

Should I suggest meeting to talk about the finances?
The more we have together the less the mediator's time we will need.




True, but can you pull this off and stick to business, emotionally? Some can; most cannot. This may be better done via e-mail.

Puppy
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/22/10 04:18 PM

I know I'm so much stronger than I was In May.

I also know just b/c we goto the mediator it mean there's no chance.

I guess I'm struggling with the uncertainty. Once the papers are signed and its official thingss will be better for my mindset.

I'm I correct in saying I should not bring up any R talk?
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/22/10 04:18 PM

Correct.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/22/10 04:29 PM

I feel like a cow being led to the slaughter house.
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/22/10 04:31 PM

Is there afterlife for cows? wink
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/22/10 04:38 PM

But of course.

I know I will survive eaither way. I'm just struggling with my inner being today. Was thinking last night I need to go all in or all out.

I know am not ready to be in another R with OW yet. That's not fair to them especiallyu if their looking for commitment.

The last thing I want to do is get serios with someone.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/22/10 04:52 PM

Originally Posted By: pookie69
Is there afterlife for cows? wink



Yes. As Far Side comics. grin


Puppy
Posted By: pinhead

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/22/10 07:49 PM

Go read Robx's thread again. I'm so impressed with how he handled himself. I know that most of our sitchs will never turn out like his, but one can hope.

I think you're wise not to look for another R. Not only is it unfair to the OW, but it's also unfair to you. You'll know in your heart when you're really ready to move on.

Hang tough...
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/22/10 09:42 PM

OK I am feeling better.

I'm going to meet this obstacle head on. No more fear about mediator. If that's what needs to be done then so be it.

Need to be strong and leading through the process.

No emotions, just business
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/22/10 10:30 PM

Nothing wrong with fear, John. It's what keeps a child from touching a hot stove; what keeps us from getting too close to the edge of the abyss.

So long as you don't ACT on it, or base your DECISIONS on it.

Puppy
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/23/10 03:06 PM

Having trouble today not want to contact W and lay it all out on the line.

Not so much talking R but letting her know what I want out of life.

What would be the result of me saying this?

SHould I just proceed with the mediator meeting and show her I'm ok with D?

She never gave me an answer about my propsal of the house numbers? Do I ask her if she is in agreement with them?

We do need to know that information before meeting with the mediator.

I'm in a funk right now. This time of year I usually feel a little down b/c summer is coming to an end.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/23/10 03:40 PM

After reading some posts here especially the ones in the "Quotes found on DB" I emailed my W.

I stated it was OK for her to take the kids to the beach and have them back on Saturday night.

I then told her I would not be giving D5 gum anymore b/c of what happened over the weekend at W's house.

I then told her my plans and schedule for the kids once schoool starts and even asked her for her input about S3.( Wanted to show her I'm OK with the co-parenting issue).
I then proceeded to told her about D5's first day have school.
I will be taking her there and that W is more than welcome to come for the special day.

I ended with asking her if she wanted to meet to discuss anything that needs to be done before we meet with the mediator.

Working on the leading aspect.

Also Read greeks post about taking control if the meeting with the statement :
Here is what I would do if I were you -

Quote:
Email to STBXH - I have some business concerning the divorce that I need to discuss with you. I have decided not to tackle these issues in email, so I am inviting you to meet me for a coffee at xyz. I can do it xday or yday - which one works best for you? Any time on either of those days is good - name it. Thanks. D

When he agrees to a time and day -

D to STBXH - I have decided to move forward with our divorce. I would still like to work on our M but the writing is on the wall that you are not willing - so be it. I'm moving ahead. One of us must file - I am prepared to do so unless you already have the wheels in motion to do so. In that case, here is my lawyer's card and she/he will receive your papers. I wanted to tell you face to face that I will go forward with this. Are there any loose ends you would like to tie off with me before this ball starts rolling?

Then listen. Do not fire back. Just listen.

["Why would I do this?
B/c I, like Ferris Bueller's friend Cameron believe: "I am not going to sit on my a$$, as the events that affect me unfold to determine the course of my life. I'm going to take a stand..." ]"




Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/23/10 03:43 PM


I like it.


Puppy
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/23/10 03:48 PM

Thanks Puppy, I need to take the bull by the horns.

I know what I want and if W can't give it to me then I will find someone who can.

By stating this to her I will get my answer. I'm not waiting for life to pass me by.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/23/10 04:05 PM

Do NOT do this if you're bluffing, Gr8, or if you're doing anything OTHER than TRULY being ready to move on, one way or another.

It's like when I made the very painful (and prayerful) decision to finally file for divorce when my wife was having her affair. It's the ultimate "card" to play, and yet you can't do it to play a card. It has to be what you have truly, ultimately, arrived at.

Puppy
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/23/10 04:15 PM

I totally agree with you on this. This can only be done once I'm ready to move on.

I am ready for either outcome and know I will be just fine either way. As this new chapter of my life begins in two weeks time I am ready to work on M 100% or move on 100%. This is the point I will convey to her. No games total commitment to try or nothing at all.

This Jedi is ready.

I have benn lifted from my funk. Taking control of my actions give satisfaction and confidence.

Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/23/10 04:27 PM

Then I shall pray for your success, sir.

Strength and Honor,

Puppy
Posted By: Chuck66

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/23/10 04:36 PM

Welcome to the "LBS Filed the D" Club. Remember, L's look out for your best interest and so does your spouse's L. So the system is automatically adversarial. That makes it more challenging if you want to still work on the R during the D process. I usually say "my L did that" to deflect any tantrums spouse has on legal issues that are thorny.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/23/10 04:48 PM

Yep. I tell people that's the reason why they put that little "v" between your names in the action.

Puppy
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/23/10 07:29 PM

I forget to mention this in my earlier posts but The email I received from W, she said she would call the mediator today to set up the appointment.

Should I ask her if she was able to secure the date?
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/23/10 08:01 PM

If your current stance is one of "I need to poop or get off the pot, one way or another," then I would say YES (altho that may not be a consensus, "DB" answer).

Then again, I was never much to follow the rules. smirk

Keep it upbeat, business-like, btw.

Puppy
Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/23/10 08:04 PM

Quote:
Should I ask her if she was able to secure the date?


"I need to make some other plans, which date are we going to see the mediator on?
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/23/10 08:06 PM

Originally Posted By: Coach
Quote:
Should I ask her if she was able to secure the date?


"I need to make some other plans, which date are we going to see the mediator on?


Perfect. wink
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/23/10 09:21 PM

She did agree on 9/12 as the day she was going to tell the mediator. So it's not a question of which day.

Also she didn't mention the finacial proposal I gave to her on the breakdown of the house and what is owed.

This needs to be addressed before we meet with the mediator.

I'll wait and see her response to my email this morning asking her if she wanted to meet after I drop off D5 at school.

antsy but need to show patience.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/24/10 11:09 AM

Heard back from W on the email I sent her, here it is:

Quote:
D5's school will be holding an open house on Tuesday September 2nd from 1:30 to 3pm. I can pick her up from Tots at noon and take her over & you can meet us if you can. Her teacher is Mrs. S. I would definitely like to see her off on her first day. Do you think she needs a new school bag? she had asked for a new one, but the old one should still be good.
As for S3/school, let's just talk on the phone about it so I can get a clearer picture of the plans.



Finally something I can work with. Athough The open house for d5 is on Thursday 9/2. (I already inquired about it.)

This is the second request from her to talk on the phone about things.



I'm thinking D5 needs a new school bag, right Coach?

Any other thoughts about her response??
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/24/10 01:21 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive


Any other thoughts about her response??




Yeah. She sounds like a pretty good DBer. smirk


Puppy
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/24/10 01:50 PM

Quote:
Yeah. She sounds like a pretty good DBer


Funny you say this, I thought she did a great job detaching. Too bad she wasn't a good DBer before all this sh!t happened.

Last night I called MIL to find out why there were so many clothes in the bag when she dropped off the kids Sunday.
She told me why and then goes into why I didn't go to S3 birthday party at her place the other week.

She said I am always welcome and tells me she and her Ex went to events for the kids.
She said S3 said daddy was coming D5 said no he's not, and then they fought.

I did tell them both I was not attending and would be having my own party for S3.

MIL goes into saying how I don't want to regret not being there for things like that.
I told her I wouldn't miss events for the kids such as graduation but as for B-day parties, I don't miss out b/c I have my own family and friends that share their special day.

She then goes into how she was a product of divorced parent and how they coped.

I agreed and validated her feeling but said I don't want the kids to get the wrong impression.

I told her I know what I want now and I deserve to be happy.
With or without her daughter.

So we left it as that. She said she feels comfortable around me when she drops the kids off. She said I am always welcome and I said thank you.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/24/10 03:55 PM

Just got off the phone with W.

Had a good conversation about the kids and their schedules. We also talked about parenting issues and that went well too.

At the end she said she was meeting with the mediator today to file. I said I thought we had to draw up the contract first before she could file. She said that's not the case and said she could file and I will be served.

I asked her about the house finances and if she received the propsal. She said she get them but didn't agree so she didn't respond back about it. She said the mediator knows more about it and she wanted to wait until we met with her.

I asked her if she was representing her or was a mutual party. She said she was a mutual party.

I held my composure and said OK, she you Wednesday morning.

We will spend time together on 9/2 at our D5 orientation.

Then meet on 9/12 with mediator.

Should I continue with my plan from yesterday and lay it all out on the table or go to to mediation with the thought of D?

What's my next move?
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/24/10 04:01 PM

WTF??? What kind of "mediator" files a divorce action after only meeting with ONE party, and with only one party's signature???

You need to call this "mediator" immediately. Mediation is where two parties agree amicably to all of the issues, with the intention of filing an uncontested divorce. Typically the two parties will agree to all of the non-controversial issues ahead of time, as much as possible, and then -- in the presence of the mediator -- he/she will help you work out the remaining tough, sensitive issues. This is typically done over two to three meetings, depending upon how much mutual agreement there is going in. Once everything is agreed upon, each party can then have their own atty look it over if they wish (which I always advise!), and THEN -- if both parties are in agreement -- YOU FILE.

Again, WTF???? confused

It sounds to me like your wife has just played you.

Puppy
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/24/10 04:05 PM

Not sure how it works.

I was under the impression that we needed to have all the details worked out before one could file.
Calling mediator now.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/24/10 04:12 PM

OK called mediator, left message.

Then called W after looking at mediator's website. I read that she could do post nuptial agreement and represent the two parties but if someone is going to file for D. then she would represent her.

I told W this info and she said she called her and is waiting to hear back from her.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/24/10 04:24 PM

W called back and said that the mediator will draw up the contract then one of us needs to take it to a L to file.


Guess I know which way W is thinking now.

I did suggest we meet with Mediator.

so agian what's my next move?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/24/10 05:53 PM

Any suggestions coach?
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/24/10 06:22 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
W called back and said that the mediator will draw up the contract then one of us needs to take it to a L to file.


Some mediator. Have you ever even MET with this woman???
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/24/10 06:25 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
W called back and said that the mediator will draw up the contract then one of us needs to take it to a L to file.


For starters, Gr8, you need to stop communicating on something as important as a legal action, THRU YOUR WIFE. If the mediator truly represents the both of you, you should ONLY be making your decisions based on your OWN communication with her.

As I always say on here, there's a reason they put that little "v" between the names of the parties in these things. It's ADVERSARIAL. And your wife is your adversary.

Puppy
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/24/10 06:30 PM

OK, so moving forward- no more tlaking to W about anything the mediator can handle. Time to protect myself extremely well.


If this R survives I will be totally shocked.
But I have learned never to say never.
Posted By: CityGirl

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/24/10 06:31 PM

I'm not sure if the state laws vary with mediation but a mediator does not represent anybody they simply act as a neutral third party - a "go between" really. My attny was also a mediator (but not in my case) and he wouldn't mediate ANY case unless both parties had legal counsel retained (not his counsel).

Do not agree to ANYTHING via the mediator until you have an attny review it.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/24/10 06:31 PM

Quote:
Some mediator. Have you ever even MET with this woman???


I have not met her, I only spoke to her on the phone.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/24/10 06:54 PM


How does Mediation work?

In Mediation, the couple proceeds through a series of steps. Briefly these are:

1. Both spouses attend an orientation session in which a detailed explanation of Mediation is given. Parties are encouraged to have separate counsel to advise them of their legal rights as they go through the process of mediation.
2. After the couple decides to mediate, they sign an Agreement to that effect covering the scope of the Mediation. At that time they will also sign a Fee Agreement and are asked to make a deposit covering the cost of the orientation and a retainer fee against which the time of the Mediator will be billed until depleted. The unused portion of this deposit is returned upon completion of Mediation. If depleted prior to the completion of the Mediation, the Mediator may require an additional retainer. The Mediator may also allow payment on a session by session basis with a smaller initial retainer requirement to be applied to fees incurred in addition to the sessions, such as the drafting of the Agreement, telephone calls, research and administrative costs.
3. At the first Mediation session, the couple may enter into a temporary agreement for the duration of Mediation to address those concerns that require immediate and necessary resolution.
4. The remaining sessions are used to help the spouses arrive at decision concerning any or all of the following:
* Division of Property
* Spousal Maintenance
* Child Support
* Parenting Schedules for the Minor Children
* Any other Topic or Issue Agreed Upon by the Parties to be addressed by the Mediator
5. The mediation culminates in a Memorandum of Agreement which outlines the specifics of the couple's separation agreement.
6. As the last step, the couple may consult with one or two attorneys concerning the settlement reached. Typically they will have various questions regarding the tax implications of their settlement. One attorney will then prepare a final Settlement Agreement incorporating these elements agreed to in Mediation. Once the couple signs this document, they may then have it made part of their Divorce Decree.


http://www.divorcenet.com/states/pennsylvania/divorce_mediation
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/24/10 07:02 PM

Thanks for the info Pup.
I was on that site earlier.

I feel I should continue to put it all on the table. Last attempt to R. If she quickly says no then I will no she doesn't see a future in us. If she is hesitant than maybe that could be a door unclosed yet and worth looking into.

I didn't come this far to give up.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/24/10 07:04 PM

Dude. She's ASKING YOU TO SIGN THE DIVORCE PAPERS. She has no interest in reconciling with you right now. You can either give her what she wants or stall her, but asking her "one last time to reconcile" will be seen as weak and supplicating and NOT at all attractive!

Puppy
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/24/10 07:11 PM

Then I will sign the papers with a smile on my face.

I do know if you don't ask for something you never receive it.

Thanks for the 2x4. I needed it.




Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/24/10 07:13 PM

Gr8, I agree with Puppy. Once I got served I knew it was basically one year until it was final. So I was already dead and had nothing to lose. What I did know was that what I was doing wasn't working. Solution: become attractive without pursuing. My goals became for me to get her to come to me. She asked me out, she showed the first affection, she initated ML cool, she told me she wanted to do the work to reconcile. I learned what I could about attraction, the differences in communication, I stayed busy, I wanted her to spew on me, I was aware of what she needed and why. Then I used what I had learned and tried things a little bit at a time. It amazed me when things worked just like I had been told (Because my sitch was unique just like everybody else's.)
You do have to let go, it's a game changer.

Cheers
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/24/10 07:25 PM

Right Coach, just b/c I sign the papers doesn't mean I don't stop working on me. If she notices it great, if not, it wasn't meant to be.

As I wrote that last post I thought of the Stockdale paradox.

I think about it quite often.

Quote:
It amazed me when things worked just like I had been told (Because my sitch was unique just like everybody else's.)


Aren't the all???

I get it. Keep working on me and learning about communicating with woman. learn to see things from their perspective and respond in a manner that they would appreciate. Stay true to my character and do not let my morals or values be compromised.

Take control of my family by leading them to a healthy and fulfilling life. Have my opinions about things even if they conflict with hers. It's OK to disagree and even argue, as long as it's done in a loving way.

Don't get caught up with all the negatives things she does and do focus on a healthy R.

OH yeah, be happy with myself especially when around W. Radiate a postive aura.
This is why am still come here.
thanks guys!




Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/24/10 07:35 PM


You're most welcome. smile
Posted By: beingreal

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/25/10 02:33 AM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
Thanks for the info Pup.
I was on that site earlier.

I feel I should continue to put it all on the table. Last attempt to R. If she quickly says no then I will no she doesn't see a future in us. If she is hesitant than maybe that could be a door unclosed yet and worth looking into.

I didn't come this far to give up.


Glad the guys put in their opinions... I was about to pull me a big ole piece of lumber to swing atcha! lol

They are so right... doing anything other than signing right now will be seen as spineless and controlling. Asking her to reconcile will just prove to her that you haven't moved at all.

I know you realize that by now--I just thought I'd chime in with the female perspective here.

Keep on steppin' my friend.

And CYA while you are doing it, kay?

wink
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/25/10 01:53 PM

BR,
thanks for stopping by. And it's nice to get a woman's perspective on things too.

I'll make sure I have my pen handy when the mail comes!

Looking forward to a 4 day holiday weekend next week with the kids!!
Then D5 goes to school! crazy
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/25/10 07:07 PM

My MSN page has a story on it about Elin Woods:
Tiger Woods' ex-wife tells People magazine that the stress of the sex scandal consumed her, causing weight loss, insomnia & more.

Welcome to the club!
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/25/10 07:09 PM


We should all look so haggard. laugh smirk
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/25/10 07:26 PM

Oh and don't forget how finacially devastated she will be! shocked shocked
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 08/31/10 04:11 PM

Quote:
“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.”
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/02/10 07:47 PM

journaling,

had my D5 house open for school this afternoon. Met W and kids there said hello and we walked in together.

I was happy and upbeat, I made some comments about how well the kids are doing this and that.....

W was very quiet, I could sense anger and negativity bur I didnt let it bother me. I took care of business, finding out all the information I needed to for the days I have her for school.

I said good bye to everyone and walked away to get more paper work and W called me back.

She takes out a check I wrote to her and said could you please sign MY NAME. Looking at the check I noticed I just put her frist and last name, not my last name.

It was an honest mistake and this what I told her. It really was. Then she says- "Can you stop playing games."

I looked her right in the eyes and said I wasn't playing and for her to stop thinking about everything I do. Then I just walked away.
I have no desire to play games. I am moving on with my life.
I will always be there for my kids.

I am so glad I am away from all her negativity.

I wish her happiness, what that is for her I have no idea.

Meeting on 9/11 to get this ball rolling.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/03/10 02:15 PM

Food for thought:

"So they only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it"

Dale Carnegie
Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/03/10 02:24 PM

Quote:
"So they only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it"


That says so much about what is talked about her.

Agree with them

Let them go - they can make their own choices.

Support/love/strength/confidence

Boundaries



this quote comes to mind:

"God himself dares not appear before a hungry man except in the form of bread."
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/03/10 02:28 PM

Exactly Coach.

That book works on so many levels:
Business
Friendship
Raising children
and of course DBing
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/03/10 03:45 PM

So your W was angry b/c you made the check out to her maiden name?

Wtf does she expect?!? confused
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/03/10 03:56 PM

Vulc

She still uses her maiden name along with my name.

And since I never write her name, it was a honest mistake.

Apparently, although honest, it was an enormous mistake.

Can she honestly think am playing games??

I am the one to move this D into motion. At first I did it b/c that is what she wanted. Now It's what I want, no games. Just getting it done.

Quite frankly I don't care if she is angry. I used to but I have no feelings for her.

I could go off more on her now and vent but I don't want to.

Thinking positive.


Just reread your post. Are you giving me heat?
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/03/10 04:27 PM

Hey Gr8,

I was a little confused. I thought you wrote it out to her maiden name. Of course she can think you are purposely playing games. Who knows what goes on in the crazy brain of the WAS? crazy

No, I wasn't giving you heat. Don't understand what I said to make you think that???
Posted By: mza8

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/03/10 04:40 PM

Hey Gr8, checking in.

I wouldn't worry too much about the maiden name thing on the check. Honest mistake.

I did something similar when I had the big conversation with my W earlier this week. When talking about the house I kept referring to it as her house. She got upset and asked me why I kept referring to it as her house instead of our house. I told her it was an honest mistake. I wasn't even thinking, it just came out that way. Oh well. Funny how they get upset about small things like that when there are far bigger things to worry about.

Hope you're well.
Posted By: desperate1992

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/03/10 06:06 PM

How are the kids fairing through all of this? I'm so afraid of what's to come. My kids are older, but they're all fragile. I've learned so much from you and you don't know it. I'm regretful for the pain I've caused him and deeply, depply hurt that he thinks this is the only way out. frown
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/03/10 08:23 PM

d1992 ill check in with you next week im awayfor the weekend
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/09/10 02:50 PM

journaling.

I contacted the mediator yesterday through email to find out the address b/c W said she was moving locations. We are(now were) supposed to meet this Saturday withthe mediator.

I find out that the mediator cancelled the meeting and W never told me. WTF!

I couldn't let this slide.
I emailed W last night about the kids and then wrote to her about her communication problems.

She has mis-communication several times over the past few weeks and I didn't say anything.

I told her she was the onbe who suggested we communicate better and I know I have.

I told her i wasn't angry b/c that would mean I cared. I told her it was frustrating to me since she is the one suggesting better communication.

I didn't go into specific times she mis-communicated.

I then said to her if we don't have an appointment sheduled by next week, I would go file myself.

I am not angry, I just would like to be able to move on with my life. Her being on the mortgage is preventing me from doing so.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/09/10 03:57 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

I couldn't let this slide.

***(I agree. -- Puppy)

I emailed W last night about the kids and then wrote to her about her communication problems.

She has mis-communication several times over the past few weeks and I didn't say anything.

I told her she was the onbe who suggested we communicate better and I know I have.

I told her i wasn't angry b/c that would mean I cared. I told her it was frustrating to me since she is the one suggesting better communication.

I didn't go into specific times she mis-communicated.

I then said to her if we don't have an appointment sheduled by next week, I would go file myself.

I am not angry, I just would like to be able to move on with my life. Her being on the mortgage is preventing me from doing so.




***see perhaps a better way, above.

Puppy
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/09/10 05:02 PM

I see your point puppy.
I did want to convey that point
to her. I have checked out.

looking forward to better things.
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/09/10 10:34 PM

Puppy said what I was going to say. smile

Is there any way to pre-arrange w/mediator that you are advised in any changes in the schedule? Since W can't be counted on to keep you apprised, maybe that would be your best option?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/10/10 02:04 PM

The meeting is now set for 9/18.

W copied the email she sent to mediator saying the 18th is good for her. Didn't confirm with me to see if it was good for me.

Anyway, so it is now the 18th.

I need a massage!
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/10/10 02:25 PM

LOL!! laugh
Posted By: beingreal

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/10/10 03:57 PM

Just checking in & catching up...

Hang in there...
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/10/10 04:05 PM

Hang in there.

If nothing else, take the kids out this weekend, it's far too nice to not enjoy this weather!
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/10/10 04:17 PM

Thanks gals,

What's another week in the grand sceme of things?

W asked if she could keep the kids Saturday, which I usually have them. I said OK b/c I had them for an extra day over the holiday.

Just being fair.

Sunday, weather permitting, it's the annual Polish Festival!
Kids love the rides and food.......me too. haha.
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/10/10 05:14 PM

Where's that at, Gr8? I didn't even here about it.

All I ever hear about are the Italian ones; then again, I'm in the thick of that neighborhood.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/10/10 05:38 PM

Vulc,
I live outside the city, bucksco.

It's in doylestown at our lady of czestochowa.

I have been going there for 5 years now.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/10/10 06:38 PM

Received three emails from W today.

1. Communicating the "plan" about keeping the the kids until Sunday

2. Told me about the Home and School meeting in two weeks.
Nice of her, I knew that already though. That's what being a good dad does.

3. Gave me detailed information about D5 bus schedule.

I reply back:

Thank you for the information.
Have a great day
. end





Communication isn't rocket science.

Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/13/10 02:36 PM

journal,


Communication from W much better this past weekend. She gave me updates about the kids and D5 schooling, even texted me last night stating teachers may go on strike.
I just replied: Thanks for the info, I'll watch the news.

An hour later she texts me: I am friends with the principal at the high school and he said teachers need to give 48 hours notice before striking.

The my neighbor texts me saying his W went to see my W Saturday night.
I told him I already knew this b/c D5 told me earlier that day.

He says his W didn't go into it but he'll let me know.

I say: know what?

He said: If anything was discussed

I said: It doesn't matter anymore, I don't want to know.

He and I went out the same night and his W was didn't want to tell him she was seeing my W.

I don't know what the big deal is, they did things when W lived at home. His W knows I have had a OW in my life. Not sure if she would say anything, but at this point I'm not concerned.

Mediation Saturday to move one step closer to D.


BTW the Polish festival was awesome.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/17/10 03:42 PM

journaling

So, tomorrow is the big day we meet to discuss moving forward with D. We will draw a contract and W will file as soon as everything is agreed upon.

I'm honestly not too concerned. I know I will be just fine no matter what happens. I'm actually looking forward to some closure on a few items.

At least I'll know if I will have to sell the house or buy her out. That's the biggest item on the table for me.
I already have my kids 50% of the time and I am grateful for that.

I want to thank every one who has helped me through the most difficult time in my life. I don't want to name names for I don't want to miss anyone. You all know who are. Thanks a bunch.

Even though I was unable to save my M I think I am a success story........ I saved myself.

This whole ordeal has truley opened my eyes. I have a new outlook on so many things now.... a few being, my outlook on a healthy R and really knowing who I am.

Thanks again all,
gr8
Posted By: Serenity13

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/17/10 04:05 PM

GR8

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2b alive
I saved myself


It is a wonderful feeling once you realize what it is you have truly won out of this whole ordeal.

Great job my friend.

(((((Hugs)))))

smile
Posted By: Susan1Survivor

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/17/10 04:15 PM

Hi (((gr8 day 2B alive))),

Been following your posts....

I am happy you have found the peace you deserve. You truly ARE a success story- you learned about and saved yourself. Your posting name says it all~
Best wishes for the bright future you will have.

I am getting a D too, H is pushing for it. I did the DB/ 180, all of that, but my STBXH tells me I ruined the M, so we are moving ahead with the D. Like you, I will be okay and happy once all of this is behind me.

Take care smile
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/17/10 05:01 PM

thanks S1S and serenity.

I hope some newbies get a chance to read this so they know there are better days ahead.

I admit I was a total wreck when I just started out.
I am so much happier without W now. I truely believe she may have some regrets but that's on her. I can't help her.

Looking forward to meeting a special lady to share my new self with.
grin
Posted By: idontunderstand

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/17/10 08:12 PM

Hey, GR8-

I, too, am glad you have found the light at the other end of the tunnel. I have followed along but didn't feel I had much good advice to offer. I remember several times when I needed support here that you stopped by and offered it even when you were in the midst of your own hard times. I appreciate that.

Quote:
I admit I was a total wreck when I just started out.
I am so much happier without W now.


Man, do I understand. I know I have a lot of hard times ahead of me, but since I have decided that my old M is over and I don't like the person my W has become, I am more relaxed and I really wish she would just go. I started the process with my L but told her to hold on to the papers. I don't want to do the work for my W. I will not be the one to leave my kids. The point is I know what you mean about being happier. Good for you.

Good things will happen for you. For all of the LBS. You have found yourself again. I am happy for you and proud of you.

Good luck!
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/18/10 08:03 PM

You are quite welcome idu.
Better days ahead for sure.

I had mediation today and I thought I did extremely well. I was poised and leading.

The only item we didn't agree on was the house finances.
I proposed a buy number for her and she didn't like it.
She I told her to propose something to me.


At one point during the meeting when the mediator left so we could discuss the finances my W actually showed some emotion.
She teared up because she didn't feel she should have to pay her half of the mortgage for the past year.

"She said we were drinking every day and she needed to make a change. She said one of us needed to leave so she left. SHe then said I could have kicked you out!"

I looked at her her and said I was willing to work on things, you left.
Why would I leave my home when I wanted to works thing out. I then said this is the consequences for your action.

I felt like I led the meeting. The mediator just took information we agreed upon.

At the end of the meeting I said:

So in closing these are the items still left on the table.
1
2
3

WE were all in agreement. I then asked her how long will this whole prosess take?
The short of it-- 5 to 6 months.


I feel great today, maybe Today was my W's wake up call! naaaa

But that's OK
Posted By: dsh4320

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/18/10 11:28 PM

Good for you, you handled it well. Enjoy the rest of your weekend....
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/20/10 03:07 PM

MAJOR DEVELOPEMENT!!!

As you all know I went to mediation on Saturday and I did well for myself. See post above.

When W dropped kids off on Saturday before she left she asked me if she could call me b/c she needed to discuss a few things with me. hmmmm I thought. A few things? After mediation there was only one thing on the table to discuss.


Satuday Night-

I spoke to our one mutual friend Saturday night at a party.
W was up at mutual friends(MF) house a week ago for a playdate with the kids. MF said to W that you are stubborn and unhappy.
Told W you are a family person and the life style your living is not who you are.

Part of their convo:

W's father has a beach house and we would all go down a few times each summer. I hated the beach but did it for her and the kids.
W says to MF that she missed me this summer not being there and admitted I didn't like the beach.

Then MF hits her with,---You had a great guy and nows he's dating someone else.
W was speechless, thought about that statement and started to tear up. She told MF that all she needed was time!

So when MF told me all this Saturday night I had really nothing to say. I agreed with her. Told her I was so happy right now and I'm enjoying my life. BTW I did date OW this summer, but we stopped seeing each other.

Today....

Called W as promised but got her VM. Left her a message saying I am calling like I said I would.

10 minutes later MF calls me. Saying she spoke to W this morning and that if I were to have an opened mind would I be willing to lesson to W?
MF told me not to be too hard on W but not to make it easy for her either.
She told me W is really having second thoughts but is unsure what I wanted. W told MF I still love him and I find him attractive but GR8 isn't attracted to me physically.

MF told her there were other issues there that make you think that. She told W do you think he's attracted to someone who is
b!tchy and unhappy?

So now....
received text from W stating....
Sorry I missed your call, I was in the shower. Is now a good time to talk?
During our M my W apologized to me only a handful of times.

I replied give me 30 minutes and I'll call you back.

I am typing this post during that 30 min delay.

I don't know how I feel right now.
Part of me is getting emotional, I'm teary eyed as I type, b/c
ALL the hard work I have done on myself wore her down.

Part of me has accepted that my M is over and I already move on.

Wasn't sure if this day would ever come but it appears it has.

I have to call her back soon.

So much to think about.





Posted By: mza8

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/20/10 03:30 PM

Gr8, I'm happy for you that it looks like you might have the opportunity now to work on things with your W. Just remember everything that you've done for yourself to get to this point. The person you have become and all of your hard work is what has brought you to this point. Continue to be that person.

I hope your conversation goes well. Listen, listen and even more listening to her. Let us know how it goes.

Good luck my friend.
Posted By: pinhead

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/20/10 03:39 PM

Good luck Gr8! Mind what you need in a relationship, be strong for yourself.
Posted By: hurtinhartford

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/20/10 03:40 PM

GR8,

Sounds great! Good luck with your conversation.
Posted By: idontunderstand

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/20/10 03:41 PM

Thought and prayers, GR8.

Keep everything you have learned here in mind and do what's right!

Good luck!
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/20/10 03:46 PM

Thanks guys,
It appears I'm in so called "Control" of the R now.

I'm going to call her back now and hear her out.

I'm thinking we should still continue with the mediation contract.
Posted By: Virtually_Handsome

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/20/10 04:07 PM

Listen a lot. Talk a little. Don't commit to anything.
Posted By: Dane

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/20/10 04:16 PM

Validate, and listen.

I agree keep with the mediation contract.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/20/10 05:40 PM

Phone call completed.

We say hello.

I say what's up?

W: "Well, mutual friend gave me the hard sell this morning."

Me: What's that suppose to mean?

W: MF told me about the changes you've made and how happy and insightful I have grown to be"

Me: OK, so what does that mean?

Pause....1 minute of silence.

W: I want to talk about us

Me OK, What do you want to talk about?

Agian silence....

W: Forget it, Ummm, I want to talk about the kids and what you're saying to them. D5 was asking me about me changing my name. Where does a child come up with a statement like that.

Me: Honestly W, I don't say anything about us to the kids except enjoy your time with each of us and we both love you.

That finally led to talking about us.

I ask W what do you want? She said I want you and the family back.

We talk about things tha happened in the past. How she tried to talk to me about this before. I asked WHEN? Apparntly when I cancelled the meeting with her a few weeks ago with her she wanted to talk to me about us. I said you just wanted to talk about co-parenting and I said I was perfectly fine with parenting.

Skipping some stuff.... but then we talk about the problems, and that she she had. The only one she had an issue with was me not sleeping in bed. 9 times out of 10 I ended up on the couch.
(for those who have read from the begining, I had extreme anxiety and sleep disorders which cause me sleepless nights)
That effected our physical R.

She said she need to know if that could be different and that all the other issues can be worked on.

Told W that I addressed all the issues I had pertaining to my health but I didn't have time to go into it now.Also I said I worked hard on myself the past year.

She did admit seeing changes but then saw some old bahavior which confused her.

She talked about the kids at the beach and how they wanted me to be there to see them riding their boogie boards.
She also admitted to missing me this summer down there.

She was crying at times during the convo, I didremain in control of my emotions through the entire talk.

I'm sure I'm missing some stuff..

OH yeah, I asked W, What makes you happy???
She said She didn't know. I said you need to find what makes you happy. I said you have had this aura of unhappiness about you for the past year and it's unattractive. So find out what make mrs. gr8 happy.
I will support you any way I can, I want you to be happy.

She asked me if we could talk about the issue regarding my health. I said I can't do it now but I am free Friday if she wanted to meet or talk.

There is trust issues on both sides.

When she brought up old times I told her that was the old me.
Honestly I have never had a more powerful convo with my W then this call.

I did say to her that I know what I want nowand if it's not with her it WILL be with someone else. Not a thread, just know what I want in a healthy R now.



Talk about OM and OW never came up. Should it? I didn't betray my friends trust by bringing it up. I am a man of my word.

I have so much to think about my head is spinning.

Sorry to be all over the place.


Addition here: I forgot this:

during our discussion she said I would be the person I am today if this didn't happen to me.
I think she jusitfying her choice to leave to make light of the seriousness.
I told her that was an unfair statement. I have no idea what would/could have happened if things went differently

robx, have you any ensights or words of wisdom?








Posted By: pinhead

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/20/10 06:14 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

I have so much to think about my head is spinning.




Take your time. Baby steps.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/20/10 07:39 PM

Quote:
Keep everything you have learned here in mind and do what's right!


If I decide to R:

Thought about it some and the next time we meet Im am going to let her what I need to be in a healthy R/M. I will also ask her to do the same. Total truth about every aspect.

After we discuss our needs, we'll need to think about whether we can fulfill each others.

Then there would have to be a total commitment to make it work.

Counseling, support groups ... whatever it takes.

I know I need to go slow, especially since I have seen what's out there if I D. Single life is very enticing but I know that does not last and gets old.

I will be digesting for a few days.
Reading more posts in Piecing Forum.
Posted By: TimeHeals

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/20/10 07:45 PM

Quote:
After we discuss our needs, we'll need to think about whether we can fulfill each others.

Then there would have to be a total commitment to make it work.


Take her to do something that *she* would like to do smile Nothing expensive.

I took my STBXW to a drive-thru safaria about 45 miles from here. She got to pet girraffes and camels and llamas. She likes animals a lot. Then we got a bite to eat at a unique ( but inexpensive) place nearby with a big store (tourist trap) inside. While we looked at the stuff in the store, I was getting the vibe, so I kissed her in public smile

Had to work up to that though.
Posted By: Dane

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/20/10 07:51 PM

Baby steps!!! Don't rush. Remeber slow is fast. Keep working on yourself and don't backslide.

I like your approach about total truth about every aspect, and then see if each of you can fulfill each other needs.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/20/10 07:54 PM

TH,
thanks for the thought.

We need to agree first on the "needs" before I would venture taking her some where.

It feels like another bomb has been dropped on me, only this time I feel indifferent.

I have gotten use to the idea of being D. Now I'm not sure how I feel. Weird, have you felt this too?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/20/10 07:57 PM

Dane,
thanks, I know piecing is difficult but if the rules and boundaries are in place from the beginning then it should be less hard.

That's why it's good to have healthy boundaries in place.
Posted By: TimeHeals

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/20/10 07:58 PM

Quote:
We need to agree first on the "needs" before I would venture taking her some where.


Your call.

My W brought up that stuff: first it was let's see where things are going, then dating exclusively, then wearing rings and trying to reconcile.

All I am doing at this point is trying to slow her down and eventually introduce some pro-marriage stuff.
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/20/10 09:40 PM

You reached a milestone. All this hard work is beginning to pay off. This part I think is probably tougher than anything so far.

I hope the vets here can advise.

I have been preparing myself slowly for that moment also.

Good luck! One small step at the time. smile
Posted By: idontunderstand

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/20/10 09:55 PM

Quote:
I have gotten use to the idea of being D. Now I'm not sure how I feel.


It sounds like the perfect frame of mind to be in at this stage. You won't be making decisions emotionally. You will do what is best for you and what you now know about yourself and about what it takes to have a healthy marriage.

Good luck to you!
Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/20/10 10:20 PM

Don't commit to anything until she acts like a LBS.

Know what your non-negotiables are.

When in doubt, stay silent and get back to her when you have time to think.

Love and support her anyway.

No expectations (sounds counter to the "Nuts" but it's not.)

Know the triggers and be aware.

Lead.

You will be tested.
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/20/10 10:33 PM

Originally Posted By: Coach


Know the triggers and be aware.

You will be tested.



I think those two points hold true throughout the "process".
Posted By: TimeHeals

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/20/10 11:22 PM

Quote:
have gotten use to the idea of being D. Now I'm not sure how I feel. Weird, have you felt this too?


Yes. There are plusses to being single. There are definite plusses to being single over being married and stuck with somebody who is miserable.

I understand your hesitation. It makes perfect sense. Take your time, but... have some fun with it too smile
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 01:19 PM

Quote:
Don't commit to anything until she acts like a LBS.


Is it safe to assume by this statement that the WAW needs to do the persueing and chasing now?
Like we all did after the bomb?

I will definitely being leading throughout this process b/c I am the one who now knows how it works.
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 01:34 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Is it safe to assume by this statement that the WAW needs to do the persueing and chasing now?
Like we all did after the bomb?



I guess it depends how proud your W is. Mine is pretty up there and definately will not be the first one to initiate R talks. However from her actions I can see that she is softening up.

Last night she asked me to help to pick out her next high performance car. She is very into fast and sexy cars. She will not be able to afford all of her life alone thus the hint - she may not want to push me to leave.

On the other hand I will not be interested to continue being a roommate, a handy man and the extra wallet.

Sooner or later we will have to have another talk.
Posted By: Kalni

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 01:36 PM

No, IMO it is not safe. And maybe it is different for men but my H never pleaded and cried and begged. But then, on the other hand, I have yet never treated him the way he did.

No, the way I see it, they will NOT act as LBSs. They know, or at least are prepared for what is coming, they caused it, they had time to think about and even prepare for a rejection. We, LBSs, call it "the bomb". For them coming back, a rejection can never be considered a bomb. I hope you get my English and the difference I am trying to point out, only to protect you from expectations that have to do with "show".

You know what my husband shows now, as I did back then? Patience and CONSISTENCY. He wont back off when I tell him I am not "there" yet, he is the hopefull one, he is keeping this together.

But no, he didnt beg, or anything like that. He stated his wish, he used my words as far as the importance of our M (honestly, it felt like I was listening to myself), but there have been no dramatic gestures and moves.

Maybe your wife, as a woman, depending on her character will give you that, but if she doesnt, that doenst necessarily mean she is not "in" which is what you must figure out. Is in IN for the tough ride or is it just a "maybe"....
K
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 01:40 PM

Quote:
I guess it depends how proud your W is. Mine is pretty up there and definately will not be the first one to initiate R talks. However from her actions I can see that she is softening up.


I hear ya Pook. It wasn't too much about pride rather than stubbornness with my W. It has taken her a whole year to initiate R talk.

Did you ask your W how she's going tho afford her new car?
Good opportunity for you to show her you're not her bank account.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 01:54 PM

K
Thanks for your insights. On the phone yesterday I asked her what sh'e wants. She's was crying and said I want you I want to be with you.

I am opened to R talk but the one thing bothering me is her approach to the conversation yesterday.

She opened with "Mutual Friend gave me the hard sale this morning"

I interpret this as since our MF said a few things about you maybe I should think about coming back.

It's like early on in my sitch when she came back one mornig to my surprise and I asked her what's going on. Her reply was her mom told her to go back.

Other people telling you what to do won't work.

I need to know she's doing it for the right reasons.

She has to show me she's willing to do the work.

She need to show me she can be happy.

I have worked too hard and respect myself to much to go back to an unhealthy M.


As for it being different which S walked away male or female your right Kalni it is different.

I have to show her I am leading and confident where has if a H was going back to W the dynamics are different.

Still one day at a time.
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 01:59 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive


Did you ask your W how she's going tho afford her new car?
Good opportunity for you to show her you're not her bank account.


I did not. She can afford it fine without my direct support but she is counting on our lifestyle to remain as is. Meaning that I will be covering 50% of all household expenses.

If I left her at her own devices she would have a problem. She is playing a risky game.

Normally I would say that this is a good sign that she has changed her mind about separation, but if I think deeper, I see that she is too comfortable with the idea that I will gladly stay is asked.

That means I haven't detatched enough, or at least not convinced her that I really meant when I said that I will move out of town and perhaps out of the country.

But then again it was that statement which sent things in motion.

It's a confusing spiral. Caution is needed.

Like Coach says - You'll be tested.
Posted By: pinhead

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 02:18 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
K
Thanks for your insights. On the phone yesterday I asked her what sh'e wants. She's was crying and said I want you I want to be with you.

I am opened to R talk but the one thing bothering me is her approach to the conversation yesterday.

She opened with "Mutual Friend gave me the hard sale this morning"

I interpret this as since our MF said a few things about you maybe I should think about coming back.

It's like early on in my sitch when she came back one mornig to my surprise and I asked her what's going on. Her reply was her mom told her to go back.

Other people telling you what to do won't work.

I need to know she's doing it for the right reasons.

She has to show me she's willing to do the work.

She need to show me she can be happy.

I have worked too hard and respect myself to much to go back to an unhealthy M.


As for it being different which S walked away male or female your right Kalni it is different.

I have to show her I am leading and confident where has if a H was going back to W the dynamics are different.

Still one day at a time.


Pride can be a bitch. (mindreading mode) She might be using the MFs (I keep thinking that means mofo...) advice as an excuse instead of openly admitting that she wants back in, and that the MFs advice supports it. KWIM?
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 02:18 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive


I am opened to R talk but the one thing bothering me is her approach to the conversation yesterday.

She opened with "Mutual Friend gave me the hard sale this morning"

Her reply was her mom told her to go back.

Other people telling you what to do won't work.



I would not worry about that too much. The fog has just lifted, she is feeling a little confused. She wants to come back but has not found her own reasons for it yet.

You have the opportunity to lead here.

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive


I need to know she's doing it for the right reasons.

She has to show me she's willing to do the work.

She need to show me she can be happy.





Again, lead the way. You are in control now. Let her sweat a little for what she has done to you and the R.

Be polite and nice. Use the wisdon you have gained here to your advantage. Show that you have a different view on the R and you do not accept the old ways.

Be exciting interesting and attractive. She will soon find her own reasons and she will tell you.

You can do it. smile cool
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 02:40 PM

Pookie,

It sounds insane that she's out there making large purchases during these times.

Detaching is the BEST thing you can do. Once I got to that point I started to find myself again and be happy.

I know I will be tested, I will be tesing her too.

I thought I gave her a soft rejection yesterday and she back down. This shows me she's not ready to do the work.

She failed test one.

Test two will be coming soon if she decides to contact me to meet or talk again.


Continuing to work on myself.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 02:51 PM

Quote:
I would not worry about that too much. The fog has just lifted, she is feeling a little confused. She wants to come back but has not found her own reasons for it yet.


1.Agree here, she is definitely still confused and uncertain.
2. I know what she wants. She wants to feel I am attracted to her physically. Being in a sexless M, She thinks it was her appearance that I wasn't attracted to. My health issues and had a big part to do with this.

Quote:
Again, lead the way. You are in control now. Let her sweat a little for what she has done to you and the R.


I do feel in control.I am in control of my emotions and my life.
I will lead when it is needed for me to do so.

Quote:
Be exciting interesting and attractive.

But of course! cool


PiNhead MF means mutual friend.
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 02:54 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
Pookie,

It sounds insane that she's out there making large purchases during these times.

Detaching is the BEST thing you can do. Once I got to that point I started to find myself again and be happy.




Insane or not, she's got her own money. It's her own risk.

I have detached short of physically leaving. Things took a 180 swing after months of "letting her go" and finally confirming that I will move out.

What I see now is her way of pursuing. She is making all these plans to hang out with family and "normalizing" the R like nothing is wrong. Buying the new car is just another way. I won't be surprised if the next thing is to start planning for winter vacation.

I have no business of criticizing her for any of it. I am suppose to be detached and not involved. What bothers me right now is that she may have not taken me seriously enough when I said that I would really leave her. Or maybe it did sink in and she is trying to down play it and watch my reaction. I have reamined calm and cool about it. No enthusiasm, but no resentment.

Sooner or later she would have to explain herself and that's where the next phase will start.
Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 03:31 PM

Review Gutwrenching and Futureunknowns threads about what works at this stage.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 03:34 PM

Thanks for the call Coach. I was in pieceing forum but couldn't find too much.

Coach, do you know the titles of their threads?

Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 04:21 PM

I just read this one.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2056348&page=1


It is amazing script. I am experiencing a lot of it right now.

The similarities are stunning.
Posted By: gutwrenching

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 04:28 PM

I am here to help...fire any questions my way

GW
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 04:32 PM

Originally Posted By: gutwrenching
I am here to help...fire any questions my way

GW


Wow, the man himself.

Here's my sitch if you have the time and patience.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079133&page=1
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 04:38 PM

Wow,
thanks gut.

coach had given me your sitch to reference.
I got the call yesterday from W that she want to be with me.

I have completely detached and we even went to mediation this past weekend.

My mind frame was that I was moving on with my life and was looking to start dating again.

I am open to talks. First, I need to know that she is wanting to return for the right reasons.

Not b/c her family or friends influenced her or she has regrets or financial stress or the kids.

the second item is that even though she left and there wasn't an A going on, I know she has slpet with someone else.
She does not know I know this.

Yesterday I told her she needs to find what makes her happy. I am not attractive to unhappy, negative people.

How should I proceed?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 04:39 PM

thanks pook,

it appears I have graduated from the newbie class and stepping into my sophomore year. LOL
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 04:47 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
thanks pook,

it appears I have graduated from the newbie class and stepping into my sophomore year. LOL



Yeah, now we have to actually graduate. The national average for dropouts is pretty high. grin
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 04:54 PM

Quote:
But for me, it came down to two things: (1) the kids deserved my effort...they didn't deserve having their world rocked without a 100% effort to keep it together. (2) I came to this forum and read Michelle's book with a goal in mind to beat the odds and save the M...I had a chance to meet my original goal and learned how fortunate I was to even have that opportunity


GW this was your post from the piecing forum.

I am getting the chance that every one come here for. I cried
yesterday thinking this day would never come. They were tears of joy b/c all the hard work I did over the past year paid off.
I gave up a few times early on but always came back here to post.

I don't know the exact reason why W wants to work on it but I would like to think it is a combination os all my actions.

I know I'm not out of the woods but the light from the promise land can be seen. I need to take the correct path.

So much learned and still so much to be learned.
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 04:55 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
Wow,
thanks gut.

coach had given me your sitch to reference.
I got the call yesterday from W that she want to be with me.

I have completely detached and we even went to mediation this past weekend.

My mind frame was that I was moving on with my life and was looking to start dating again.

I am open to talks. First, I need to know that she is wanting to return for the right reasons.

Not b/c her family or friends influenced her or she has regrets or financial stress or the kids.

the second item is that even though she left and there wasn't an A going on, I know she has slpet with someone else.
She does not know I know this.

Yesterday I told her she needs to find what makes her happy. I am not attractive to unhappy, negative people.

How should I proceed?



Methinks it's time to set boundaries and talk about them when the time is right.

You don't have to tell her that you know about the A. Let your boundaries make it clear that this is not something you'll ever tolerate.

I don't think bringing it up is productive right now. WAW's mindset during their detachement allows them to have an A justifiably. They see nothing wrong with it because they were separated from you anyway.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 04:55 PM

Quote:
Yeah, now we have to actually graduate. The national average for dropouts is pretty high


From your start date you must be in the advanced class! whistle
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 04:59 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
Quote:
Yeah, now we have to actually graduate. The national average for dropouts is pretty high


From your start date you must be in the advanced class! whistle



Thanks for the compliment. I wish I had come here right after my bomb in April or even before last Christmas when things were dwindling.

Never say never.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 05:06 PM

Quote:
Thanks for the compliment. I wish I had come here right after my bomb in April or even before last Christmas when things were dwindling.

I found this site the week after my bomb but didn't join until 2 months later. WTF was I thinking.......oh yeah a bomb was dropped on me. No regrets though


Quote:
Never say never
. So true.
Posted By: gutwrenching

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 05:46 PM

I think you are already doing the first thing right, not making the mistake I made the first time, and not diving back in. You are hesitant, probably scared. She needs to know that, feel that, sense that. She needs to really WANT this cause it is not easy. As crazy as it may sound, the easy route is to go back to the mess/confusion/garbage life she has been living and putting you through because at this point, that doesn't take emotional energy or commitment.

I think you are too hung up on hearing the exact reason you are wanting from her to give this a try. Her head is probably still spinning, coming in and out of the fog, probably not thinking as rationally as you are, but at least she is reaching a decision point on her own to give it shot. The exact words aren't important, what is important is a commitment and then you leading the two of you through the next phase.

Boundaries will be important. It will help show your strength and will help you not go "melty man"...like always, don't be a jerk and don't set ultimatums, but set out what you are willing to live with. When my W said she wanted me and the family back the second time, I knew she was serious but I also told her that I needed to think about it because I had already mentally and emotionally headed down the opposite path quickly and was comfortable about it. Told her I'd call her the next morning. I didn't. I waited for her to call me later that next evening and then waited for her to bring up the subject well into the conversation. Then I stated IF we were to try again, here is what I NEED as a minimum...then I laid out some boundaries. And I still didn't fully commit to piecing until we met in person and talked it out a little more, face-to-face.

So think it through carefully. Stay calm like usual. Get a commitment, set out your boundaries, and make sure you both understand there are going to be good days and bad days but committ to each other to work through the bad days.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 06:22 PM

I know boundaries will be important and I know she is still confused.

I am hestitate b/c I learned here that you can't rush this process. There are four stages the first being friendship.

Openness along with giving/receiving will be critical in the beginning.

Quote:
I knew she was serious but I also told her that I needed to think about it because I had already mentally and emotionally headed down the opposite path quickly and was comfortable about it.


I'm not sure if she's serious about it yet. I have accepted life without her and have was starting to look at rebuild my life. I have gotten comfortable with life w/o her.

She is having trouble expressing her feelings: i.e

Back in August when she wanted to talk to me I cancelled on her saying anything that she needs to tell me can be done through email or a phone call. She emailed me stating she wanted to talk to me about co-parenting.

Yesterday she told me that she wanted to meet that day to discuss our R.

Communication has been our number 1 problem and she still has difficulties with it.

That's a big obstacle to overcome.

I left the ball in her court to think about what makes her happy and how I could be supportive to her. It's up to her to contact me for our next talk.
Posted By: gutwrenching

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 07:22 PM

Quote:
Openness along with giving/receiving will be critical in the beginning.

yes it is important

Quote:
I am hestitate b/c I learned here that you can't rush this process. There are four stages the first being friendship.

Ok makes sense - I had the advantage is we were already strong into this stage when we started piecing


Quote:
I'm not sure if she's serious about it yet.

That is important and you are going to have to make that determination. My W decided she was going to "try" a couple of times...and that was the word she used...she wasn't serious. She was confused and knew she shouldn't throw away the M but was still involved in EA and not committed. The "trying" didn't last long. This time she is committed and her actions show that along with the words this time. So yes, that is a key point for you to figure out.

Quote:
Communication has been our number 1 problem and she still has difficulties with it. That's a big obstacle to overcome.

It is big and is always important, but with your DB "training" you can help lead you two through these struggles if you so choose. You have it in you.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 07:35 PM

Just thinking.

I had/have a huge problem with her girl friend. She isn't exactly someone I care for on any way. In fact my W's family all stated they didn't care for her either.

Her life style is not conducive to my morals. I W has been living her lifestyle the past year and it's not who she is.

Is it wrong of me to set the boundary telling her I don't want her in her life anymore?

She was the one telling W to hook up with OM.

I know my W has he own mind, but her GF has such a strong influence on her.
Posted By: v1olin

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 07:35 PM

Hey Gut,
at what point did you become friends with your w? Things are going well between my now, x-wife and I but I am confused as to where that is headed. We take care of each other when we are sick, we laugh together,text off and on, and also talk on the phone sometimes.
Posted By: v1olin

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 07:37 PM

Sorry for the hijack gr8!

Gr8, now do you see why I told you to give her some time a few months back? congrats
Posted By: gutwrenching

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 07:43 PM

Quote:
at what point did you become friends with your w

That is tough to answer...keep in mind, we were living together and sleeping in same bed (though only sleeping) and still doing family activities with kids and faking it around all friends and co-workers.
There was the hatred stage when I exposed EA, then ignoring me and treating me bad stage till I stood up for myself, then we just kind of eased back into friends as it was easiest to co-exist that way and we have so much in common. My sitch had the "advantage" in some respects that it was a long-distance, phone/computer EA...
So I'd say we became friends again in Feb or Mar. Just before piecing, although things were tense with upcoming separation, we drove across the country and as she said were good at taking care of each other and looking out for each other...we were good friends still...
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 07:44 PM

Quote:
My W decided she was going to "try" a couple of times...and that was the word she used...she wasn't serious. She was confused and knew she shouldn't throw away the M but was still involved in EA and not committed. The "trying" didn't last long. This time she is committed and her actions show that along with the words this time.


I think there is distinction between "trying to try" and "being committed to try".

You can say "I will try to work on the R", but there has to be a commitment to do so.
Posted By: TimeHeals

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 07:46 PM

Quote:
think there is distinction between "trying to try" and "being committed to try".



"Do, or do not. There is no Try" -- Master Yoda.


Seriously, you're either all in, or you're not. Now, I can see taking things slowly, but when the word "try" comes up, what I see is "Well, I hung out with you, and I don't feel what I was hoping to feel".

It tells me they don't feel it.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 07:49 PM

Quote:
Gr8, now do you see why I told you to give her some time a few months back? congrats


Good to see you again. I feel it's bitter sweet though.

I did give her time, however her time was not used "thinking" it was used as and opportunity to sleep with someone else.

This is going to be hard to overcome.

I don't know if she has the strength or courage to tell me.

No prob with the hijack, if it helps then I'm glad.
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 07:51 PM

Originally Posted By: TimeHeals


"Do, or do not. There is no Try" -- Master Yoda.




You can say "I will commit to work on trying to fix R"

There is the try factor. They will always use that word. We have to put it in the right place for them to be acceptable and clear that there may be no success at the end.
Posted By: v1olin

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 07:52 PM

Wow, thanks for the quick response Gut! Your timeline sounds similar to mine. My ex's EA became long distance when the guy moved overseas with his wife and kids. Our friendship started to get stronger back in the spring.
Posted By: TimeHeals

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 07:52 PM

Quote:
They will always use that word


My W doesn't use that word anymore, and she's wearing her rings.

When she used that word, she wasn't serious, and she wasn't feeling it.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 07:53 PM

Another concern.

If we start working on M, do we bring to kids into the picture?

Or should we just do one on one stuff?

I don't want to give the kids false hopes. D5 still talks about all of us going away on vacation again someday.
Posted By: v1olin

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 07:54 PM

Gr8, I understand that getting over trust issues due to infidelity are very hard, but it can and has been done thousands of times! hang in there. Not many will get that chance.
Posted By: v1olin

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 07:56 PM

Do one on one for a while until you feel comfortable in your path.
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 07:56 PM

Originally Posted By: TimeHeals
Quote:
They will always use that word


My W doesn't use that word anymore, and she's wearing her rings.

When she used that word, she wasn't serious, and she wasn't feeling it.


Point taken.

Mine is not a SW fan and she hates feelings. wink
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 07:57 PM

Thanks V

I still have to protect my kids as if I am bringing a new women in my life. I need to feel comfortable about the R before doing family stuff.

Time to pick up the kiddies. gr8 is out of here cool
Posted By: v1olin

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 07:59 PM

Exactly!
Posted By: pinhead

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 08:00 PM

Originally Posted By: pookie69
Originally Posted By: TimeHeals
Quote:
They will always use that word


My W doesn't use that word anymore, and she's wearing her rings.

When she used that word, she wasn't serious, and she wasn't feeling it.


Point taken.

Mine is not a SW fan and she hates feelings. wink


Now that's a red flag for me... wink
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 08:06 PM

Originally Posted By: pinhead
Originally Posted By: pookie69
Originally Posted By: TimeHeals
Quote:
They will always use that word


My W doesn't use that word anymore, and she's wearing her rings.

When she used that word, she wasn't serious, and she wasn't feeling it.


Point taken.

Mine is not a SW fan and she hates feelings. wink


Now that's a red flag for me... wink



As it should be.

A couple of years ago she threw out my SW figurine collection and told me that she won't make any more dinner if I don't stop playing Jedi Knight on time to eat.

Also she asked me to use headphones after she goes to bed - said that the light sabre sounds are worse than smoke detector alarm.

I just did not understand. crazy

I was only allowed to watch Carrie Fisher documentary on Biography Channel. cry

Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 08:11 PM

Quote:
I just did not understand.


Your wife likes cars and you play with dolls?!?!?!?! confused laugh whistle cool

Please don't tell me you ask her to call you Pookie Wookie?
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 08:18 PM

Originally Posted By: Coach
Quote:
I just did not understand.


Your wife likes cars and you play with dolls?!?!?!?! confused laugh whistle cool

Please don't tell me you ask her to call you Pookie Wookie?


I knew this wasn't going to end well for me. Saw you working up the threads. laugh

There is always a moral of the story. wink
Posted By: pinhead

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 09:11 PM

Originally Posted By: Coach
Quote:
I just did not understand.


Your wife likes cars and you play with dolls?!?!?!?! confused laugh whistle cool

Please don't tell me you ask her to call you Pookie Wookie?


LMFAO!
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 09:24 PM

Originally Posted By: pinhead
Originally Posted By: Coach
Quote:
I just did not understand.


Your wife likes cars and you play with dolls?!?!?!?! confused laugh whistle cool

Please don't tell me you ask her to call you Pookie Wookie?


LMFAO!



Yeah. Endless source of material for him. laugh
Posted By: pinhead

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 10:21 PM

And I thought I was a SW geek... Most people don't even know what a TIE fighter is.
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 10:57 PM

Originally Posted By: pinhead
And I thought I was a SW geek... Most people don't even know what a TIE fighter is.


I also like the Y-Wing especially it's proton torpedoes.

In the early days I liked to fly the Z95 Headhunter. Very maneuverable. cool
Posted By: pinhead

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/21/10 11:13 PM

What? No A-wing or B-wing? What about a fast Corellian freighter?
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/22/10 01:20 AM

Originally Posted By: pinhead
What? No A-wing or B-wing? What about a fast Corellian freighter?


A-Wing is fun to fly. B-wing is sluggish.

Have you tried the TIE Interceptor. That's my favorite.

The Lambda Class Shuttle was also fun to fly especially with the Emperor on board.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/22/10 03:00 PM

How about Spaceballs?
"Oh yeah Sir, BTW, I didn't see you playing with your dolls" whistle


I saw W this morning when I dropped the kids off. She said good morning then asked me how the Home and School meeting went.

I gave her the scoop for about 5 minutes. She handed me some mail of mine that I accidently put in her pile.
There was a sticky note on it and it said "NAME will be watching the kids tonight (555)-xxx.xxxx"

I had mentioned to her in mediation that it is important for me to know who is watching the kids.

Anyway, so seemed more pleasant. I need to see she can be happy.

NO R talk or talk about meeting to talk about R. smirk

One day at a time.

Oh one last things and I'm sure to get smacked:

I put a copy of "The Sex Starved Marriage" in the exchange bag.
Wanted her to get some knowledge about how we did things wrong.

I'm ducking now
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/22/10 03:04 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

I put a copy of "The Sex Starved Marriage" in the exchange bag.
Wanted her to get some knowledge about how we did things wrong.

I'm ducking now


laugh

Did you at least include a toy?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/22/10 03:08 PM

Quote:
Did you at least include a toy?

LOL- nice one.
It's to have fun on the boards too!
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/22/10 03:19 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
Quote:
Did you at least include a toy?

LOL- nice one.
It's to have fun on the boards too!



My Schwartz is bigger than your schwartz!
grin
Posted By: gutwrenching

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/22/10 03:36 PM

You know your W better than anyone and you are at a crossroads, so if you placing that book might help, good on you. Better than cowering and waiting for her to make the next move. Now the key will be when she brings it up...will be time to talk openly about this being one of the issues that you feel would need to be resolved to work things out
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/22/10 03:57 PM

Quote:
not cowering and waiting for her to make the next move.


I gave her a sign I may be willing to work on things.

Just as the WAW will test me, I too will be conducting my own tests.

It's the feeling out stage.
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/22/10 08:04 PM

Reading along, nothing of any insight to post.

Good luck, which ever way you decide. smile
Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/22/10 08:13 PM

Quote:
I put a copy of "The Sex Starved Marriage" in the exchange bag.
Wanted her to get some knowledge about how we did things wrong.



You will get tested on this. She will test your "knowledge" of what you have learned. Even if it's not right away.

Wonder if you'll get a copy of "DAM" in the bag in return? smirk
Posted By: Kalni

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/22/10 09:18 PM

Why would you put a book in the exhange bag and not exchange a word about it? What is this? Sorry, I may have missed something but that doesnt sound very... brave nor does it show leadership or the other things men on here keep repeating.

You are walking carefully, you say. I see a man who doesnt know what he is doing and is giving mixed messages.

What you do now, sets the pace and the context of your piecing phase. I got burnt a few times. I am sharing what I learnt. If you want open free communication you dont "put a book about sex" for your wife to read, while you still dont know if you want to be with her. You dont "tell her" sex is the biggest problem you have (even if it was, I dont believe that is your problem now my friend) and you ask/communicate questions about things that are important. Gives her a clear idea of what she is up against/ what YOU are up against and gives you some more info/data about what she is thinking/how she has processed things.

What do you want? How do you want it. What would be ideal for you? What stands in the way? Share that with her. See if your "ideals" match, then see what has to be done to get there. Would you both agree to give it your all? Do you both realise how difficult it is? The phases you will go through? No games. There is your chance to lead. My 2 cents.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/22/10 09:46 PM

thanks K. deep down I believe i
want to save the M. With that
in mind I should be leading this R. my initial
plan was to talk about what we
want. that should still be the plan
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/22/10 09:54 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
thanks K. deep down I believe i
want to save the M. With that
in mind I should be leading this R. my initial
plan was to talk about what we
want. that should still be the plan


Cut to the core bro!
cool
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/23/10 02:43 PM

OK. so after getting smack last night by K, I did text the W about the book.(See works second shift so I couldn't "call"her)

I said I put a book in the bag today. It helped me get a better undeerstanding of our situation. It is informative. If you get a chance take a peek.

She did reply back : I did see that and a did start to read it.

Letting it rest for awhile.

Off for a round of golf today!

gr8
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/23/10 02:45 PM

Great. She did not hit you on the head with it.

Sounds like you should let it go and wait until she brings it up.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/23/10 09:30 PM

right. damage control done. now
time to wait for her response.

continuing to live for me and my kids.

great round of golf today. eight pat s

dinner then a massage. hot tub will be
up and running this week.
woo hoo
Posted By: v1olin

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 03:05 AM

Who is getting the massage?
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 03:09 AM

Originally Posted By: v1olin
Who is getting the massage?


Happy ending?
grin
Posted By: v1olin

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 03:13 AM

I hope HE is getting one and not the other way around.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 11:29 AM

I am the one receing the massage.
I go to my chiropractor and get at least two massages a month.
If you've never done it, it's a must.
Sooo relaxing.

Pook
I am always happy when I leave! wink
It's a family setting.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 06:28 PM

journaling,



I went out last night and bought some new underwear.
Didn't buy the some ole boxer briefs, I splurge a bit on the good stuff.

Man o man do I feel comfortable today! laugh cool blush


nothing to report about W.
Posted By: pinhead

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 06:29 PM

I don't want to hear about your g-strings...

wink
Posted By: hurtinhartford

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 06:31 PM

gr8,

I know how you feel. As part of my GAL I went commando laugh ...trying to save the environment!
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 06:31 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
journaling,



I went out last night and bought some new underwear.
Didn't buy the some ole boxer briefs, I splurge a bit on the good stuff.

Man o man do I feel comfortable today! laugh cool blush


nothing to report about W.



The enhancing kind?
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 06:34 PM

Originally Posted By: hurtinhartford
gr8,

I know how you feel. As part of my GAL I went commando laugh ...trying to save the environment!


Going regimental?

It used to get my kilt dirty.

Andar a lo gringo.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 06:39 PM

Economists have linked the sale of underwear as an economic factor of the economy.


I am trying to change our current state by contributing to the economy.

Had to get some new shoes too.
Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 06:47 PM

I'm wearing my church underwear.

the "holy" ones - wahh waaahh waaaaaahhhhh smirk
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 06:51 PM

Originally Posted By: Coach
I'm wearing my church underwear.

the "holy" ones - wahh waaahh waaaaaahhhhh smirk



I read somewhere that according to one survey, one of the top 10 domestic arguments that couples have is when the wife is trying to throw away hurband's holy underwear which causes major resentment.

I guess we are very attached to our garments.
Posted By: hurtinhartford

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 06:55 PM

No, just trying to reduce my laundry and the use of those damn dryer sheets.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 06:58 PM

Quote:
I read somewhere that according to one survey, one of the top 10 domestic arguments that couples have is when the wife is trying to throw away hurband's holy underwear which causes major resentment.


Where does the wife beater and black socks rate on that survey?
Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 06:59 PM

Quote:
I read somewhere that according to one survey, one of the top 10 domestic arguments that couples have is when the wife is trying to throw away hurband's holy underwear which causes major resentment.

I guess we are very attached to our garments.


Had to rescue a pair of red Chuck Taylors from the trash a couple of times. Bought them my sophmore yr of college, was wearing them the night The Greek and I started our courtship (toga party at a beachhouse - story for another time) and I still wear them. If those shoes could talk.
Posted By: hurtinhartford

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 06:59 PM

My W took some my underwear either by mistake or I like to think senttimental reasons blush
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 07:00 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive


Where does the wife beater and black socks rate on that survey?




That's racist. What do you have against Italians? laugh
Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 07:04 PM

Originally Posted By: hurtinhartford
My W took some my underwear either by mistake or I like to think senttimental reasons blush


You didn't really mean to say scentamental did you? grin
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 07:07 PM

Originally Posted By: Coach
Originally Posted By: hurtinhartford
My W took some my underwear either by mistake or I like to think senttimental reasons blush


You didn't really mean to say scentamental did you? grin



LMFAO. laugh laugh laugh I have to live with this image now.

This was before you lost your weight? grin
Posted By: hurtinhartford

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 07:08 PM

Just trying to boost my ego. Maybe she framed them and have them hanging on her wall. grin
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 07:10 PM

Quote:
What do you have against Italians?



Oh boy, don't tell me you own a Z28 Iroc with the chili pepper hanging on the rear view!!

grin
Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 07:10 PM

Originally Posted By: hurtinhartford
Just trying to boost my ego. Maybe she framed them and have them hanging on her wall. grin


All part of the LBS fantasy world.
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 07:12 PM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
Quote:
What do you have against Italians?



Oh boy, don't tell me you own a Z28 Iroc with the chili pepper hanging on the rear view!!

grin



Not to worry. I don't even like spaghetti.

I'm more of a smoked raindeer kinda guy. cool
Posted By: Ready2Change

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 07:13 PM

Originally Posted By: Coach
Originally Posted By: hurtinhartford
Just trying to boost my ego. Maybe she framed them and have them hanging on her wall. grin


All part of the LBS fantasy world.

LOL!! When I moved out, I took EVERY pair of MsR2C's...
Posted By: hurtinhartford

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 07:31 PM

Well it is one of the reasons why I had to go commando...I really miss that underwear, but they will not fit now. It is a shame that I am Dark or I would email her and have her stuff them in my mailbox. smirk
Posted By: Coach

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 07:34 PM

Quote:
I'm more of a smoked raindeer kinda guy.


"but do you recall the most famous reindeer of all.......................................................................................................?









Hickory the jerky reindeer."

Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 07:39 PM

Quote:
Hickory the jerky reindeer."


Hey, do you like beef jerky?
How about chicken, stupid?
Posted By: Oxymoron

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 07:43 PM

Not to be a thread hijacker, but I have an apparel question since you fellas are on the subject. I have been cleaning out the house and sorting things-came across the shoes H and I wore on our wedding day-we both wore black Chuck Taylors, and have since only worn them on our anniversary. Our anniversary is coming up in a few weeks. I have thoughts of putting them on his dresser as an anniversary 'present', but I suppose that would be akin to hauling out wedding photos. Still....we are both big Chuckie fans, and they are his. Just leave them in the closet when/if I move out?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 07:46 PM

O,

I'm not familiar w/ your sitch but It would appear to to me as an attempt to talk about the R. Which of course is a no no.
2cents


BTW don't throw them out, I nearly threw out all the love letters my W wrote to me.
I'm glad I didn't.
Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 07:48 PM

Originally Posted By: pinhead
I don't want to hear about your g-strings...

wink



Kramer Goes California-style


grin
Posted By: Oxymoron

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 10:07 PM


Yeah....I knew in my heart that doing anything other than leaving them when I move was wrong. But still...I get these wild notions that if I can just spark some kind of memory of the good times it will help turn him around. Glad I got reinforcement not to do something stupid-it helps a lot.

I would NEVER throw out Chuckies! I did throw out a lot of cards and letters from him though....seeing them is just so freaking painful, and after he told people that he didn't think he EVER loved me they just seem like so many lies. If I run across more I'll hide them in a box.

I love the humor on this thread. It's like a breath of fresh air!
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/24/10 11:03 PM

Originally Posted By: Oxymoron


I love the humor on this thread. It's like a breath of fresh air!



Through humor, you can soften some of the worst blows that life delivers. And once you find laughter, no matter how painful your situation might be, you can survive it.
Bill Cosby
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/25/10 01:15 AM

good day guys and gals. thanks for
the laughs. so my gaffe of putting
a copy of the SSM in the bag may
be paying off.

I just received a text from my
W. she said maybe I should finish reading
this book before we talk. I should
be done it this weekend.

glad to see shes receptive. nil

r
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/25/10 01:21 AM

Originally Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive
good day guys and gals. thanks for
the laughs. so my gaffe of putting
a copy of the SSM in the bag may
be paying off.

I just received a text from my
W. she said maybe I should finish reading
this book before we talk. I should
be done it this weekend.

glad to see shes receptive. nil

r



You've got it in a bag. laugh laugh cool
Posted By: pinhead

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/25/10 01:28 AM

Hmm. Sounds like someone might be getting sandwiches before me... wink
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/25/10 01:34 AM

Originally Posted By: pinhead
Hmm. Sounds like someone might be getting sandwiches before me... wink


I love a sandwich in a bag. grin
Posted By: pinhead

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/25/10 01:36 AM

If that SSM book works for gr8, I might have to buy my W a copy.

Oh geez, my kitten just farted on me. How much worse could this night get?
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/25/10 01:40 AM

Originally Posted By: pinhead
If that SSM book works for gr8, I might have to buy my W a copy.

Oh geez, my kitten just farted on me. How much worse could this night get?


Catnip?
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/25/10 04:32 PM

pin

hows your kitten doing today?

I replied to my Ws text today.

said I think that would be
a good idea. also think
about what you want and
how to achieve it.
Posted By: pinhead

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/25/10 04:42 PM

She's sitting on my desk sleeping, while the other is trying to sleep on my feet...No more gas thank God...

Keep me posted about the SSM.
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 09/28/10 03:49 AM

Good night for me. We crushed our dart opponent and the Phillies clinced the title.

Definitely getting playiff tix. Maybe, just Maybe the W will be invited. IDK we'll see


love gr8
Posted By: gr8 day 2B alive

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 10/06/10 04:31 PM

Wow seems like forever since we could post. I read a few disgruttled members posts and hope they do not leave the boards.

I'm not naming names (PDT),........see no names. I understand your fustration with the freedom of speech here. However You have helped so many people here me included.

With that being said, I have faith you will continue to spread your wisdom

UPdate for me.....


ever since I gave the book ssm book to W see said she was reading it and that we should talk when she;s finished.
That was two weeks ago.

I will not bring up R Talk. She as shown better communication with me and has shown signs of happiness.

She did text me a Happy birth day message too. Thank you everyone here you for the well wishes too. I feel forty is the new thirty.

I feel I have the best years of my life ahead of me!

I still need to see a lot more work from W to consider working on it.
I'm still GAL and taking it one day at a time.

I am in control of my feelings now. So much self respect, confidence and new shoes......haha.
Posted By: pookie69

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 10/06/10 04:53 PM

Quote:
I am in control of my feelings now. So much self respect, confidence and new shoes......haha.


That's a great feeling isn't it?

I hate new shows though.


cool


P.S. I went back to my original locked thread and realized that you were my first responder. smile

It also felt like some posts were missing but I can't remember whose or what was said. confused
Posted By: Vulcanized

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 10/06/10 05:32 PM

Happy b-day, Gr8.

Glad to hear that things are on an upswing for you. smile smile smile
Posted By: Virginia

Re: Should I Tell Her to Move On??? - 10/06/10 06:35 PM

Hi guys --

Please start a new thread. This thread is getting a bit too long, so I'm locking it. Shorter threads improve the speed and flow of this online community.

Thanks.
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