Divorce seems eminent. What do I do now?

I�m back with a new identity. I couldn�t stay away too long. The affair is busted but my W still wants the divorce. The house is up for sale. I have visited lawyers. She want�s a collaborative divorce. Right now, I�m not there yet.

After I signed off, I was able to confront the OM on the phone and just ripped him a new one. My W sat there and listened to the whole thing. I put the phone to her ear and told her to break it off now but she refused to speak. The OM broke it off.....supposedly. I have spoken with the OM W and they are currently working on their marriage.

I had a thrill locating her other cell phone in her car and then taking it out in the driveway and smashing it to pieces with a hammer while she watched.

The anger is gone but the pain of all this has resurfaced again. I had an emotional breakdown one morning and had to get on some Xanax and an antidepressant. I felt doped on the Xanax and quit taking that, but the antidepressant helps. I have found it best to emotionally detach again.

I have a new mentor who has been helping me through all this. He has been divorced and remarried to the same woman three times.

The divorce seems eminent. She has her mind made up. She says she doesn't want to stay married to me anymore. She was about to file Monday but somehow held up after my kids and I surprised her with a dozen roses and a total day of beauty at a spa as a gift the day before for her birthday. I know..... pursuing, but I made it from the kids.

She is going to counseling. I think the guy is just validating her decision. He just told her that I am in the grieving period and need more time.

Besides GAL and detach what else can I do now to save my marriage?

My sitch. I'm back from the dead.

Is this my friend?

Yep! It's me

Ripping into the OM made you feel great, I'm sure, but I doubt it will have the effect you want. Put yourself in his place (as hard as that is) and think about how you would react. You would probably think "this guy is a psycho, no wonder she wants me".

I met with the OM in my sitch just to give him a chance to redeem himself and give him the benefit of the doubt that he just made a horrible mistake. I was completely cordial and did not rip into him. It had zero effect, which I expected, but it did allow me to judge his future actions and him as being a complete snake and predator for continuing them. I'm sure he was surprised with the way I handled the meeting.

Smashing the cell phone while she watched can't possibly endear you to your wife. I'm sure that only shocked and scared her, which is not the way you want her to feel about you.

Establish boundaries that she must adhere to or you will create consequences. No contact with the OM, purging all of his contact info, any gifts, etc. Of course this is only if she is interested in reconciling and staying in the home with you. If she doesn't adhere to your boundaries, you should tell her she should leave.

Sleepy -

Gosh, I am so sorry. I have to tell you. I'd react the same dam# way!!!

I've been thinking maybe I should take something, as well, but I'm doing so well w/the detox I've been doing, and my blood work looks so much better, I hesitate to add anything in!!

How can we help?

Do you even want to be married to her anymore?

Originally Posted By: Sleepy

I have a new mentor who has been helping me through all this. He has been divorced and remarried to the same woman three times.

Three times to the same woman?!

Your menTOR sounds menTAL.

Get back with the program. We're glad to have you back.

Yeah,

The anger just got the best of me. I know it wasn't endearing but I was just showing her that I wasn't going to sit back and tolerate that $hit. I was royally pissed. It sure felt good.

I've mellowed out now. Today she caught me looking at BMW M5's on the internet. I think that bothered her.

Pigskin.. I see that you guys separated after your W's A. Did you kick her out? I tried to do that but her lawyer said that I couldn't. She won't leave either. I am stuck here with her and she treats me like dog$hit.

My W is making a huge mistake. I just want to let her know before she does it.

Sleepy - Hahahaha

I just showed S12 one this week, and told him, that is a future MOM mobile, WHITE please!

I have an E350 wagon now. Nice, but not a lot of sex appeal!

Originally Posted By: mindfull

Sleepy -

Gosh, I am so sorry. I have to tell you. I'd react the same dam# way!!!

I've been thinking maybe I should take something, as well, but I'm doing so well w/the detox I've been doing, and my blood work looks so much better, I hesitate to add anything in!!

How can we help?

Just help me get through all this. I enjoyed the support I got here and I felt on top of the game. Now I've been falling down. I need some DB guidance.

Do you even want to be married to her anymore?

If you had pulled the "OM on the phone" stunt with me...then followed it up with your juvenile cell phone smashing antics...

...I would have told you that you could kiss my ass if you thought I would ever have any interest in spending my life with a man like that...

Go back and read your other thread. Especially the beginnning.

I just did. You didn't paint a great picture of yourself.

Then you took the hardass approach designed to punish your wife for her sins.

Where exactly did you show her that you loved her unconditionally?

Where did you take pains to show and demonstrate to her that you owned your responsibility for helping to create a marriage that left her out?

Yeah, she made some big mistakes. She went over to the dark side when she started playing with others.

But I'm still trying to find where you show your Christ-like love to this woman, and I'm on page 20....

Bill

Gee, Bill, that's really helpful and encouraging!

How about a Porsche?

I wonder why I want to stay married to her. I suppose I think I can change things, start a new marriage with her, and raise our kids in a two parent family. We have so much in common. I look at these online dating sites and nobody interests me.

Bworl

Yeah, I totally lost my cool. I just wanted to let this guy know that he was dealing with another person on this side and was destroying two families. I wanted to make him feel guilty.

Originally Posted By: Sleepy

Yeah,

The anger just got the best of me. I know it wasn't endearing but I was just showing her that I wasn't going to sit back and tolerate that $hit. I was royally pissed. It sure felt good.

I've mellowed out now. Today she caught me looking at BMW M5's on the internet. I think that bothered her.

Pigskin.. I see that you guys separated after your W's A. Did you kick her out? I tried to do that but her lawyer said that I couldn't. She won't leave either. I am stuck here with her and she treats me like dog$hit.

My W is making a huge mistake. I just want to let her know before she does it.

When she first dropped the bomb she said she wanted to move out, but I resisted since I thought that would just allow her to escalate the affair.

After trying many things, none of which worked, I finally summoned the guts to tell her the affair had to stop or she needed to go. She did not stop the contact, so she got an apartment. Originally we swapped out on weekends so she could spend time with the kids, under the condition that I would go along with it if she ended all contact with the OM. When I found out she had connected with him on a networking website, I called her on it and now I don't swap with her anymore.

We're not legally separated, but she seems to be settling in to her separate space and has not indicated any desire to come back. She's never said she wanted to work on us; she does not see us together again as a couple. But I continue to hold out hope for us. I've detached, and don't concern myself with her activities anymore.

I have no idea if she is still in contact with OM, but I'm guessing she is, just because of the depth of her EA. She told me a couple of months ago that she broke it off, but with her out of the house it doesn't matter anymore until she decides she wants to reconcile.

No Porsche. Icky old slick men drive Porche's!

Gee, sounds like an answer I would give!

But, do you still, genuinely, love her?

Mind,

I do. From the outside looking in it looks like, how can he put up with that $hit. I genuinely would like to see it work out.

What kind of car. BMW M3?

Originally Posted By: pigskin

When she first dropped the bomb she said she wanted to move out, but I resisted since I thought that would just allow her to escalate the affair.

After trying many things, none of which worked, I finally summoned the guts to tell her the affair had to stop or she needed to go. She did not stop the contact, so she got an apartment. Originally we swapped out on weekends so she could spend time with the kids, under the condition that I would go along with it if she ended all contact with the OM. When I found out she had connected with him on a networking website, I called her on it and now I don't swap with her anymore.

We're not legally separated, but she seems to be settling in to her separate space and has not indicated any desire to come back. She's never said she wanted to work on us; she does not see us together again as a couple. But I continue to hold out hope for us. I've detached, and don't concern myself with her activities anymore.

I have no idea if she is still in contact with OM, but I'm guessing she is, just because of the depth of her EA. She told me a couple of months ago that she broke it off, but with her out of the house it doesn't matter anymore until she decides she wants to reconcile.

Sounds like a plan. I wish I had that option. I think if my wife was out on her own she would get the idea really fast.

http://www.dragtimes.com/images/10871-2006-BMW-M5.jpg

Nothing less!

Hey, I made my quota this year! Seriously, maybe when S12, almost S13 gets his license... )I'll let him have the wagon... LoL Can you imagine?) I won't need so many seats now. Seating for seven is required, only they're all getting a little big for the third row!

Yeah!! Nice machine. That's what I'm talking about. The white would get dirty though. How about a dark blue?

Nope, I had a Land Rover that was dark blue, and my wagon is silver. I want bright white! I have a car wash within 2 miles, and that's what I have two boys for, right?

I'd seriously get it now, but it would be a shame to contaminate w/soccer and football cleats and basketball stink! Luckily, D18 is moved out, or it wouldn't even be an option. She hits everything within a five mile radius!

I thought being "helpful" in this forum was sharing our honest thoughts, providing the thread author with various opinions/impressions from which he/she could do some thinking about what to do next.

In your other thread, you continually vascillate from a man who wants to accept and love his wife unconditionally, working on himself to improve the areas where he fell short...to a manipulative man who does things just to provoke a response from his wife.

I've been around here since '06 or so, and for the most part the commonly accepted advice given to new people here, regardless of the state of their crisis, is to do things FOR YOU and BECAUSE YOU AGREE you need to.

I don't buy into manipulation as method that will produce lasting positive results. I think your wife indicated to you on various occasions that she suspected you of manipulating the situation, in fact indicated that she felt it in your nature to do so.

I give you credit for acknowledging at some point that you had a rather significant role to play in your marital mess. Your wife told you that you, in effect, had an affair of your own throughout the marriage with your full bore approach to anything that was not family related.

Those who point their fingers at your wife and lable her with such ugliness because of her turning to another, don't seem nearly as quick to point a finger at you. In fact, at no point in your other thread have I read of anyone referring you back to the man that YOU had become during your marriage.

Affairs don't just happen because someone decides out of the clear blue sky to go do another person. Your wife choosing to involve herself with another is completely wrong, make no mistake about it. REgardless of the state of your marriage, committed people do not turn to others and violate their vows.

But can you say that you kept your vows completely?

Did you honor and cherish her? Did you forsake all others (including things) to make her the center of your attention? Did you labor beside her in your family, or was your role only that of financial provider?

I'm not intending to beat you up.

But it appears from your other thread that you had plenty of people telling you how wrong she was and how hardcore you needed to be with her.

Who ever told you how wrong you were? Who got hardcore with you?

If you want her to want you back, you have to give her something to want to come back to. And it's safe to say that she had no interest in coming back to the husband that you had become.

These are just my thoughts.

If you would rather that I not share them with you, I will stop.

Blessings,

Bill

Bworl,

You are totally right. I have been trying to correct all my misgivings. I have been helping out a lot more. I am paying more attention to her. I suppose that's where I find the 180 so confusing. If I was kind of distant before and into work and hobbies maybe the 180 should be in the other direction.

That has been my focus since I left the forum.

I want to make her the center of attention now but she wont have anything of it.

Originally Posted By: Sleepy

The divorce seems eminent. She has her mind made up. She says she doesn't want to stay married to me anymore. She was about to file Monday but somehow held up after my kids and I surprised her with a dozen roses and a total day of beauty at a spa as a gift the day before for her birthday. I know..... pursuing, but I made it from the kids.

uggg.... supplicating, that's horrible, un-masculine behavior, can I buy your love back?

regardless if it's from the kids or not.

and she didn't hold off filing because of flowers and a day at the spa, she's in control and she'll do that whenever she wants to because she knows you want the opposite of the divorce and she enjoys the power in your relationship and she will treat you poorly because of this.

I told you this before, you just don't want to listen, you just want to do what you think "feels" right: pursuing, buying gifts, getting angry, telling her to go counselling, getting emotional, etc.

When you stop doing these things and want to try something that might work let me know. ;-)

Ok Robx,

I'm listening again.

If you stopped practicing surgery for ten years and put your focus in other areas...your surgery skills would go to hell.

If at some point you then decided that you had been wrong to stop doing surgery, would you be able to walk right back in to the hospital and start doing surgery again?

Of course not.

You can't neglect something for years and then just suddenly decide that you're going to start doing it right immediately, and expect good results.

You've got your robx (and others) view point on one side. Allow me, if you don't mind, to offer a counter position.

There is no doubt a part of this that has to do with you being a true man in your relationship.

First off, I would say that this is NOT the critical issue in your marital problems. It's not that you've been too much of a wuss.

It's that you've been nothing but a paycheck.

And you were content with this because it satisfied your male ego as provider, AND allowed you to pursue all the other things that were more interesting that being Dad and husband.

Since the "bomb" you should have been focused on discovering these things about yourself and concentrated on changing those things. Reprioritizing, finding out what is truly important in life, especially as it concerns your marriage and your children.

Slowly but surely you begin changing YOUR mindset on these things. You begin to see your actions changing because of these new priorities. Your wife would see them too. And you wouldn't have to say a word.

It's not about whether or not you can land a babe. I'm sure your wife knows you can.

It's not about being nicer, because niceness can be faked.

It's actually about exactly what rob and the others are always going on about.

It's about becoming a REAL man. One who knows what is truly important in life, and you you know it because you can see it in the way he lives and the decisions he makes.

Bill

Originally Posted By: Sleepy

Yeah,

The anger just got the best of me. I know it wasn't endearing but I was just showing her that I wasn't going to sit back and tolerate that $hit. I was royally pissed. It sure felt good.

I've mellowed out now. Today she caught me looking at BMW M5's on the internet. I think that bothered her.

Pigskin.. I see that you guys separated after your W's A. Did you kick her out? I tried to do that but her lawyer said that I couldn't. She won't leave either. I am stuck here with her and she treats me like dog$hit.

My W is making a huge mistake. I just want to let her know before she does it.

Exposing the affair and talking to the OM, awesome, glad you did it, I would have offered him a taste of my knuckles and then the name of a good plastic surgeon who does that kind of repair work ;-)

However and you know I'm going to bust you on this because you just keep repeating the same old thing.

You smashed the phone, that's an emotional response and you just showed her that she knows how to push your buttons and that you can easily be controlled and manipulated - real masculine men don't react so emotionally, they respond in a calm, cool, confident way that communicates that regardless of the current situation, you'll find a way to rise to the top.

Personally when I found the phone my wife was "hiding", I took the number, called my cell from that phone, saved the number, called her, totally surprised her as in "how did you get this number?!" and I let her know that at least I know how to get a hold of her just in case an emergency requires that I need to call her.

Now what happens.... she calls me from that phone all the time, doesn't bother to hide the number, she texts me from that phone, etc.

LOL!

This was the same phone she was hiding from me for several months, using it for whatever communications she "needed" it for.

That's the correct way to respond,
not emotionally like some wussy man afraid to lose his wife.

BTW - you don't have to let her treat you like dog$hit, she treats you like that because you let her.

Give me examples of how she treats you like poop and I'll give you ways of diffusing those situations. It's easier than you think and doesn't involve ass kissing and supplicating her behavior which is why she treats you like dog poop.

Also that part about you wanting to let her know that she's making a huge mistake, WHY?!

Why do you feel the need to let her know?
Why do you feel the need to control her decision?

You do things because you "feel" that it's the right thing to do, you listen to your feelings, you're in love with your feelings and you "feel" that you have to show her you "love" her and you "feel" you need to do that by exhibiting weak, wussy man behaviors.

How's that been working for ya?

Stop following your feelings!

F!@#$%&*!@#$%&*!@#$%&*

Follow reality.

Your wife is in the process of leaving you and divorcing you because she's in love with her feelings. She feels you aren't the right choice anymore. It isn't because you didn't help out around the house as much and all those other silly reasons, you became unattractive and exhibited unattractive unmasculine and pro-feminine behaviors which pretty much turn her off.

Want proof? Read your own posts on how you react to her.

You want to do what works?

Follow reality.

Reality works.

Agree with your wife.
"The divorce is the best thing"
"You're right, you'll never love me"
"You're right, I was the worst husband, you'll never be able to trust me"
"This is actually a good thing for you and me"

She pursues other men, you want proof, she flew out of town to get naked with one. She wants to pursue the OM. She wants what she can't have, she'll continue pursuing him/contacting him even if he attempts to reconcile with his wife and if that doesn't work out, while you're pursuing your wife, she'll pursue another man.

That's reality.

She doesn't want what she can have easily (you).
She wants excitement.
She wants a masculine man (not you) who doesn't get excited, feel threatened by her and who allows her to chase & pursue him (not you).

Create some distance.

Move in the opposite direction.

Agree with her feelings even if you really don't, just do it because in reality you can fight against her feelings, she's in love with her feelings and guided by them and even though she may be making mistakes you won't be able to convince her otherwise so you can lay any plans to rest that include writing letters, emails, texts, etc.

Stop pursuing, create distance between the 2 of you, move in the opposite direction, reject her a bit, enjoy your life, enjoy social interaction with other women and.... allow your wife to pursue you.

You won't allow that though.

You're in love with your feelings and even though I'm telling you to listen to reality instead of your feelings, you want to listen to your feelings instead but you get all excited and angry because your wife is listening to her feelings instead of you.

Nice.

They call that a double standard I think.

Your wife can't pursue you because you never allow yourself to play hard to get, you never allow yourself to be chased.

And you all want the 30 second quick fix.

Sorry, that's not reality and you're smarter than that, but.... you want to listen to your feelings but you want to convince your wife that her feelings are wrong.

You want results, you want things to start moving in the opposite direction?

Observe reality, do what works, otherwise continue to post umpteen million pages on your thread and change your username and continue doing what doesn't work but continue to tell us how frustrated you are that "everything" you've tried hasn't worked at all.

And all the other users quoting manipulation and controlling by doing things that work, well I'll fill you in on something, telling your WAS's that you want them to stay married to you and that them having affairs is wrong and they should be faithful to you and remember their marital commitment and everything that goes with trying to convince them that what they're doing is wrong is technically controlling behavior on your parts, you want to control what your spouse does and preach the "right" thing to do.

I offer you what works, reality, observe & follow reality, and stop listening and doing what you "feel" you should do.

Ok Bill,

Now you're talking too me. These are the things I have been changing. For instance, I might not have even bought her a Valentines day card last year. As the years went by we just didn't do it anymore. This year, I thought the 180 would be doing something totally special. Like building a guy out of chocolate and calling him the "awkward valentine".

I have been a better father, I help more around the house. I am more than a paycheck now. I think my 180 is doing the opposite of the other folks.

Originally Posted By: Bworl

But it appears from your other thread that you had plenty of people telling you how wrong she was and how hardcore you needed to be with her.

Who ever told you how wrong you were? Who got hardcore with you?

If you want her to want you back, you have to give her something to want to come back to. And it's safe to say that she had no interest in coming back to the husband that you had become.

These are just my thoughts.

Bill in all fairness I got hardcore with "sleepy", I still get hardcore with him, he continues to make the same mistakes and follow his feelings about getting her back.

He's just not receptive to advice, he wants to do what "feels" right.

Originally Posted By: Sleepy

Ok Bill,

Now you're talking too me. These are the things I have been changing. For instance, I might not have even bought her a Valentines day card last year. As the years went by we just didn't do it anymore. This year, I thought the 180 would be doing something totally special. Like building a guy out of chocolate and calling him the "awkward valentine".

I have been a better father, I help more around the house. I am more than a paycheck now. I think my 180 is doing the opposite of the other folks.

No regardless of the fact that you didn't do that in the relationship, doing that now while you're separated and moving towards divorce will still show you as pursuing her.

You can do all the fancy dancy valentines day gifts you want when the marriage is reconciled but not in the current relationship status that the two of you enjoy.

Stop pursuing her.

Originally Posted By: robx

You want to do what works?

Follow reality.

Reality works.

Agree with your wife.
"The divorce is the best thing"
"You're right, you'll never love me"
"You're right, I was the worst husband, you'll never be able to trust me"
"This is actually a good thing for you and me"

She pursues other men, you want proof, she flew out of town to get naked with one. She wants to pursue the OM. She wants what she can't have, she'll continue pursuing him/contacting him even if he attempts to reconcile with his wife and if that doesn't work out, while you're pursuing your wife, she'll pursue another man.

That's reality.

She doesn't want what she can have easily (you).
She wants excitement.
She wants a masculine man (not you) who doesn't get excited, feel threatened by her and who allows her to chase & pursue him (not you).

Create some distance.

Move in the opposite direction.

Agree with her feelings even if you really don't, just do it because in reality you can fight against her feelings, she's in love with her feelings and guided by them and even though she may be making mistakes you won't be able to convince her otherwise so you can lay any plans to rest that include writing letters, emails, texts, etc.

Stop pursuing, create distance between the 2 of you, move in the opposite direction, reject her a bit, enjoy your life, enjoy social interaction with other women and.... allow your wife to pursue you.

You won't allow that though.

You're in love with your feelings and even though I'm telling you to listen to reality instead of your feelings, you want to listen to your feelings instead but you get all excited and angry because your wife is listening to her feelings instead of you.

Nice.

They call that a double standard I think.

Your wife can't pursue you because you never allow yourself to play hard to get, you never allow yourself to be chased.

And you all want the 30 second quick fix.

Sorry, that's not reality and you're smarter than that, but.... you want to listen to your feelings but you want to convince your wife that her feelings are wrong.

You want results, you want things to start moving in the opposite direction?

Observe reality, do what works, otherwise continue to post umpteen million pages on your thread and change your username and continue doing what doesn't work but continue to tell us how frustrated you are that "everything" you've tried hasn't worked at all.

And all the other users quoting manipulation and controlling by doing things that work, well I'll fill you in on something, telling your WAS's that you want them to stay married to you and that them having affairs is wrong and they should be faithful to you and remember their marital commitment and everything that goes with trying to convince them that what they're doing is wrong is technically controlling behavior on your parts, you want to control what your spouse does and preach the "right" thing to do.

I offer you what works, reality, observe & follow reality, and stop listening and doing what you "feel" you should do.

Ok man.......Today, I'm back on the program. She wants me to use a wuss collaborative lawyer. I think when the time comes, I will call out the bulldog.

I'll add to my last post,
"...This year, I thought the 180 would be doing something totally special. Like building a guy out of chocolate and calling him the "awkward valentine"."

that's what you "felt" would work, feelings, pesky buggers when you're not in the right mindset and when you're dealing with fear of loss & crisis.

Observe reality, reality works.

Originally Posted By: Sleepy

Originally Posted By: robx

You want to do what works?

Follow reality.

Reality works.

Agree with your wife.
"The divorce is the best thing"
"You're right, you'll never love me"
"You're right, I was the worst husband, you'll never be able to trust me"
"This is actually a good thing for you and me"

She pursues other men, you want proof, she flew out of town to get naked with one. She wants to pursue the OM. She wants what she can't have, she'll continue pursuing him/contacting him even if he attempts to reconcile with his wife and if that doesn't work out, while you're pursuing your wife, she'll pursue another man.

That's reality.

She doesn't want what she can have easily (you).
She wants excitement.
She wants a masculine man (not you) who doesn't get excited, feel threatened by her and who allows her to chase & pursue him (not you).

Create some distance.

Move in the opposite direction.

Agree with her feelings even if you really don't, just do it because in reality you can fight against her feelings, she's in love with her feelings and guided by them and even though she may be making mistakes you won't be able to convince her otherwise so you can lay any plans to rest that include writing letters, emails, texts, etc.

Stop pursuing, create distance between the 2 of you, move in the opposite direction, reject her a bit, enjoy your life, enjoy social interaction with other women and.... allow your wife to pursue you.

You won't allow that though.

You're in love with your feelings and even though I'm telling you to listen to reality instead of your feelings, you want to listen to your feelings instead but you get all excited and angry because your wife is listening to her feelings instead of you.

Nice.

They call that a double standard I think.

Your wife can't pursue you because you never allow yourself to play hard to get, you never allow yourself to be chased.

And you all want the 30 second quick fix.

Sorry, that's not reality and you're smarter than that, but.... you want to listen to your feelings but you want to convince your wife that her feelings are wrong.

You want results, you want things to start moving in the opposite direction?

Observe reality, do what works, otherwise continue to post umpteen million pages on your thread and change your username and continue doing what doesn't work but continue to tell us how frustrated you are that "everything" you've tried hasn't worked at all.

And all the other users quoting manipulation and controlling by doing things that work, well I'll fill you in on something, telling your WAS's that you want them to stay married to you and that them having affairs is wrong and they should be faithful to you and remember their marital commitment and everything that goes with trying to convince them that what they're doing is wrong is technically controlling behavior on your parts, you want to control what your spouse does and preach the "right" thing to do.

I offer you what works, reality, observe & follow reality, and stop listening and doing what you "feel" you should do.

Ok man.......Today, I'm back on the program. She wants me to use a wuss collaborative lawyer. I think when the time comes, I will call out the bulldog.

You don't need to respond to brute force either,
this isn't war, you're not here to kill her, the goal is to move on with your life and when she finally gets that you're not pursuing her anymore and that you agree with the divorce and moving in that direction, her feelings will have nothing to fight against.

Would a collaborative lawyer be a cheaper option for the two of you? Maybe it is a good option, check it out, speak to him, it can't hurt, get his opinion but let him know that you're not bending over so that you can receive a hot beef injection during the divorce proceedings - you're a MAN and you have the same rights as she does and expect equal fair treatment, if he can't offer that then say thank you but no thank you and leave it as is.

Or just tell her, "if you feel that lawyer works for you, you should go with him, when you finally serve me with the required papers, I'll have my personal lawyer take care of things from my end, since we're divorcing we need to stop learning to share things and that includes lawyers and it's probably better to keep that stuff separate."

Originally Posted By: Sleepy

Originally Posted By: robx

You want to do what works?

Follow reality.

Reality works.

Agree with your wife.
"The divorce is the best thing"
"You're right, you'll never love me"
"You're right, I was the worst husband, you'll never be able to trust me"
"This is actually a good thing for you and me"

She pursues other men, you want proof, she flew out of town to get naked with one. She wants to pursue the OM. She wants what she can't have, she'll continue pursuing him/contacting him even if he attempts to reconcile with his wife and if that doesn't work out, while you're pursuing your wife, she'll pursue another man.

That's reality.

She doesn't want what she can have easily (you).
She wants excitement.
She wants a masculine man (not you) who doesn't get excited, feel threatened by her and who allows her to chase & pursue him (not you).

Create some distance.

Move in the opposite direction.

Agree with her feelings even if you really don't, just do it because in reality you can fight against her feelings, she's in love with her feelings and guided by them and even though she may be making mistakes you won't be able to convince her otherwise so you can lay any plans to rest that include writing letters, emails, texts, etc.

Stop pursuing, create distance between the 2 of you, move in the opposite direction, reject her a bit, enjoy your life, enjoy social interaction with other women and.... allow your wife to pursue you.

You won't allow that though.

You're in love with your feelings and even though I'm telling you to listen to reality instead of your feelings, you want to listen to your feelings instead but you get all excited and angry because your wife is listening to her feelings instead of you.

Nice.

They call that a double standard I think.

Your wife can't pursue you because you never allow yourself to play hard to get, you never allow yourself to be chased.

And you all want the 30 second quick fix.

Sorry, that's not reality and you're smarter than that, but.... you want to listen to your feelings but you want to convince your wife that her feelings are wrong.

You want results, you want things to start moving in the opposite direction?

Observe reality, do what works, otherwise continue to post umpteen million pages on your thread and change your username and continue doing what doesn't work but continue to tell us how frustrated you are that "everything" you've tried hasn't worked at all.

And all the other users quoting manipulation and controlling by doing things that work, well I'll fill you in on something, telling your WAS's that you want them to stay married to you and that them having affairs is wrong and they should be faithful to you and remember their marital commitment and everything that goes with trying to convince them that what they're doing is wrong is technically controlling behavior on your parts, you want to control what your spouse does and preach the "right" thing to do.

I offer you what works, reality, observe & follow reality, and stop listening and doing what you "feel" you should do.

Ok man.......Today, I'm back on the program. She wants me to use a wuss collaborative lawyer. I think when the time comes, I will call out the bulldog.

A smart man determines ALL of his options that are available.

Do the research, speak to several lawyers, find out what works best for you.

Sleeps -

I see you are in good company. LoL When you need a quiet respite, come on over!

Rob rocks.

PS - Imminent!

mindful when you get in bikini ready, I want to see some pics - you rock!

Sleepy, re-read my long winded post in this thread over & over again, it took me a while to get this message into my head when someone explained it to me, it really is a counter-intuitive approach to everything here but it's implications are incredible: just observe reality, listen to it, instead of your feelings, it will guide you to making better decisions during this process than anything else you've been doing.

Ok Robx,

Thanks for the advice once again. That's why I came back. This approach is in everything I read. Tough Love by Dobson, MLC forums, on and on. If she is going to come back, she will have to be the one to pursue it. If she returns on the current terms I will be the designated doormat.

one more thing,
you need to start acting super happy, ecstatic, you're getting what you want, these are truly exciting times, I don't care if you have to super glue that grin on your face, put it on there.

Life is good!

Well at least you've busted the affair and she's in the same house...Good luck...I wish I was that far along.

Robx - If you have a moment could you please take a look at my sitch and see if there's anything else you'd recommend at this point?

Thank you.

Originally Posted By: mindfull

PS - Imminent!

Are you one of THOSE types? I am a recovering corrector. LOL

Mindful and Super girl... Sure is Imminent. My W found my thread last time. She will never look at this.... He He He.

So, my W came home from being out of town with my daughter at a gymnastics meet. I was at home with the other two. When she came in I was all smiles and having fun. She was wondering what was up. She was checking everything.....My phone, my internet history, my visa bills. I was totally aloof. It drove her mad. It worked like a charm.... So awesome.

She was headed out for drinks with some more of her cougar pals tonight. As the time for her meeting approached I reminded her that she better get going. She almost didn't go..... LOL.

Cougar pals?

ROFL

SG - LoL English minor!

Sleeps - I resemble that comment! (I WISH!)

PS - I know you're a doc, so.... Let me help.... Clear History Upon Closing (Automatically)!

You'll love this, CompSci Grad - Silverette (Poms) @ Northwestern! That's where all of the brilliance comes from! Actually, I got in, partied way too much, almost got kicked out, grew up a bit, learned how to cheat - graduated, and loved Kellogg! I'm a freak, eh?

Originally Posted By: robx

one more thing,
you need to start acting super happy, ecstatic, you're getting what you want, these are truly exciting times, I don't care if you have to super glue that grin on your face, put it on there.

Life is good!

good thing I never mentioned doing any of this ;-)

Originally Posted By: Sleepy

Mindful and Super girl... Sure is Imminent. My W found my thread last time. She will never look at this.... He He He.

So, my W came home from being out of town with my daughter at a gymnastics meet. I was at home with the other two. When she came in I was all smiles and having fun. She was wondering what was up. She was checking everything.....My phone, my internet history, my visa bills. I was totally aloof. It drove her mad. It worked like a charm.... So awesome.

She was headed out for drinks with some more of her cougar pals tonight. As the time for her meeting approached I reminded her that she better get going. She almost didn't go..... LOL.

You should have gotten a sitter and gone out tonight too!
Next saturday, you have plans.

Sleeps! What are ya, sleepin' in? How goes it today?

Went to church. I searched around for a new house, now I'm headed for a big workout with the crew today. Getting my life back. Truly exciting times. Hey, do you guys think these online dating things are a scam? match.com and eHarmony? I was looking at these just to see what is out there.

I'm not sure why you even posted again yesterday...

I'm not opposed to moving on. I reached the point where I did it myself.

I am opposed to someone who so easily and quickly begins perusing the personal ads, only a day after admitting that he still had at least a sliver of hope that his marriage could be reconciled.

Which is it?

Done for good and moving on. Have no feelings of love for her any more. Just wanting to get on with your life with no chance whatsoever that you might entertain rebuilding your marriage with your CURRENT wife....

...or still hopeful. Still have that woman in your heart and in your gut. Most of all, still NOT ready to be entertaining ideas of a relationship with another woman.

Honestly, if it's just sexual need, let's call it what it is. There are ways to meet those needs.

The fact that you can jump on this PUBLIC board and start inquiring about matchmaking services just turns my stomach.

Take a glance again at the top of the screen and note the name of this site.

I think you're looking for a different message board.

Sad.

I'll leave you alone now. Clearly I misread who you are and what you're looking for.

Best wishes,

Bill

ouch I just read this bill,
and sleepy isn't posting anymore,
methinks your approach was a little hard on him.

Social interaction isn't a bad thing,
no one is saying that he's going to sleep with someone on the first date - why this assumption is made time & time again is beyond me.

Bill you may not agree with my advice & responses on most of the active threads here but I fail to see the advice you've been offering him on his situation, all you did was kill his self-esteem with this last post.

Offer something constructive, there are enough posts of dreams being killed on these forums, I think constructive advice would be appreciated.

You can do better than this.

Sleepy give us an update.