Hello all,
I am going to try and start my story as it brings me some comfort in getting this out and I hope that maybe just maybe that I will find some gem to find the strength to keep going on.
I'm not even sure if this is the right community for this post or exactly what I hope to gain by posting this. But I do not know what else to do right at the moment. I hope I don't offend anyone.
H-40
W-40
D-21
S-18
D-17
M- 18 years
-Started dating 1991 Her not to far out from first marriage/child and me just getting over a relationship that ended from GF being a rape victim and shutting me out. I had mild drinking and drug habit at this time.
-1992 Pregnant and then married (Thats what good boys are supposed to do?) She did not ask for the marriage, I did as I found comfort in her from my sordid past and I honestly believed she was the one.
-1994 Another child. In my selfishness I asked her to get an abortion. She wouldn't go threw with it. (Thank God!)
-1994~1996 New job in new town. This is the time we started to drift apart. Not that we where the typical married couple before then but this is when it all started to materialize I think. My drinking got worse and drug use increased.
-1996 Yet another new job in a new state. We both felt that we had to get out of the town and blamed the surroundings for our problems. So we ran from our problems. Helped for a little while, but then the distance started to make its way back in.
1996-2 weeks ago
-Slowly drifting apart
-Sex slowed down to .....nothing
-No drugs and only occasional beer or two
-Short tempered and anxiety for me.
-Major bouts of depression for me. Her always the solid one.At least I thought.
-Her withdrawn into a shell.
I asked her if she was happy, of course the answer was no, then I asked her if she still loved me. She wouldn't answer at first. So being at my wits end I brought up divorce and she said yes.... god I'm so stupid. At the end of our long conversation that evening. She did say she still loved me. Why oh why did I not just say, "Is there anything I can do to change this?" One simple sentence and I may not be here trying to type this out
Present
Over the past few weeks we have had more conversations then we have had in years. Unfortunately the majority of it has been planning for the D.
She does not want to try to work at it and is solid in her feelings that she wants to leave (WaW to a tee, at least from what I have read here)
Me? Well here is where it starts to hurt, I have been chasing things I thought would make me happy for the past 18 years without realizing the one thing that really makes me happy is her. But now I have lost that also.
I look back and realize that I have not been the man that this woman deserves. Nor she the easiest to live with.(By her own admittance)
So now I start the road to change I guess, but how does one show one that you have changed if they are not there?
Thank You all for listening.
P.S. I just read all that I have typed and realize she should have dumped me years ago...
No matter if she comes back or not you must change for YOU..so either way it can't hurt you. Keep reading here and learn. Do you suspect another man?
It saddens me to see so many 40 year olds going through this. We are here for you wired - be strong and listen to the very valuable advice given here.
Thank you luvless.
No there is no other man. This is one thing she has always said since the beginning that we are we and no room for 3.
Hi Wired. I'm so glad you decided to try this community b/c I think you will find it to be the best. Don't worry about offending anyone b/c as long as you stick by the board's policies, I don't think it would be a problem.
Your story is so sad, but unfortunately it is common. But you know what? You have woke up and now you see what is the most valuable thing in your life.
BTW, if you broke the cycle of using drugs and have stopped drinking (except for a couple of beers) then that tells me you must be a very strong willed person. I think it takes a lot of guts to do that. You can do this DBing too! Have you read the DR book? That would be a good place to start.
You may feel a lot of panic right now b/c she is talking about D. You don't want to lose her, and that's normal to be scared. The point is not to let your fear show to her. It's not attractive. Neither is any begging, pleading, that sort of thing.
Are the two of you still living under the same roof?
I believe if you will make up your mind that you are going to continue to improve yourself and be the best "you" that you can be, she'll be attracted to that. It won't happen over night, and that's what will be hard on you. If you will not try to hold onto her and let her do what she wants to do, and you just focus on becoming a great dad (women love that) and being a great man......she'll notice.
Take pride in yourself and how you look and act around her. Act as if you've had an awakening and that you are going to enjoy live and be your best every day. I know that may sound kind of cheesy, but it works. This isn't just about busting a D, but we support people in trying encourage them to make their lives happier and coming through this mess a stronger person.
So, I hope you'll try to post every day b/c it really does help to talk about it. Read the other threads b/c you'll be better informed.
Take care of yourself....that's important.
What were her specific complaints about you? Have you done anything to change those behaviors? What about herself? There must have been some faults that you found in her as well.
Thank you luvless.
No there is no other man. This is one thing she has always said since the beginning that we are we and no room for 3.
How do you know? Have you checked?
Going by what she SAYS won't work, because ALL CHEATERS LIE -- PERIOD.
You would be wise to check this out independently. If nothing else, you'll have some peace-of-mind, but there almost always IS someone else, especially for women. Saying she doesn't want to work at it is a HUGE red flag.
Puppy
What were her specific complaints about you? Have you done anything to change those behaviors? What about herself? There must have been some faults that you found in her as well.
-Temper has been the worst one that puts her on egg shells.
-Spending too much money
-Smoking
-Depression
-Letting things slip that I should be doing. (Household type things. Example:Furnace filters, car upkeeps and such)
As far as her, I am sure there are many things but my heart/ mind cannot focus in on them right at this moment. I'm still in the "Its all my fault stage" (?)
-I am seeking professional help Monday at 3:15(soonest I can get an appointment)for the smoking and depression
- I cleaned the top of the fridge today
"How do you know? Have you checked?
Going by what she SAYS won't work, because ALL CHEATERS LIE -- PERIOD."
No I have not checked, I would not know even where to begin but I trust deep down inside she is telling the truth.
ou checked?
Going by what she SAYS won't work, because ALL CHEATERS LIE -- PERIOD."
No I have not checked, I would not know even where to begin but I trust deep down inside she is telling the truth.
I'm sorry, but that's incredibly naive. The stakes are simply way too high to be so accepting.
Puppy
The men here can tell you ways to check and see if your W is contacting another man. But if you find that she is.....don't accept the number one line that WAW's give..."He's just a friend" b/c that is BS. A woman should not have any friendship with a man that is secret from her H and does not include her H.
If she knows you are very trusting of her, she'll let her guard down. If you know your way around a computer, you can find emails that she shouldn't have. Check her cell phone when she's in the bathroom or check the phone bills.
My H would have bet his life that I would never cheat on him........and he would have lost. I had an EA after many years of M, so it can happen....even to the best of us.
Not trying to make you feel worse than you already do, but trying to prepare you. Just expect most anything. There are a few WAW's who are not in an A, but not many.
Wired,
Glad you found the forum; sorry you need it.
I wish I had spent a lot more time reading other threads when I first got here. Try to understand the advice you are given here in the bigger context. The veterans see the same things over and over: listen to them.
Puppy and Sandi give great advice, heed what they say.
Hang in there.
The men here can tell you ways to check and see if your W is contacting another man. But if you find that she is.....don't accept the number one line that WAW's give..."He's just a friend" b/c that is BS. A woman should not have any friendship with a man that is secret from her H and does not include her H.
If she knows you are very trusting of her, she'll let her guard down. If you know your way around a computer, you can find emails that she shouldn't have. Check her cell phone when she's in the bathroom or check the phone bills.
My H would have bet his life that I would never cheat on him........and he would have lost. I had an EA after many years of M, so it can happen....even to the best of us.
Not trying to make you feel worse than you already do, but trying to prepare you. Just expect most anything. There are a few WAW's who are not in an A, but not many.
Ugghhhh, ok where/who/how do I post this as to not be out of line with the rest of the forums?
And thank you all once again. I have been reading for an hour now and see so many mistakes I have made.
Well,
I checked through her phone this morning before work. I did not see any numbers out of the ordinary except the phone call to her Ex.
Even though I know she went to see her ex-motherinlaw a couple weeks ago which meets up with the time frame that the call happened. But it still hurt. (The fact that she ran into him during her visit and said nothing till a week later also hurt..)
So Im going to the bookstore after work this evening to see which of Micheles books they have and start trying to find myself. (Any suggestions on which one to start with?)
I do have one quick question tho and if its been answered before I apologize, but this one is supposed to happen today and I would like a bit of advice.
She is supposed to call around and talk to some attorneys/mediators today. If she finds one she is wanting to make an appointment during my work hours for us to go.
Issue is that I have a deadline that I really need to keep this week at work.
So would asking her to wait for the appointment until I can get this completed before I take a day off work be the right thing to do? Or would that be pushing her farther away? (Remember my first post about putting things off)
If its the right thing to do, then I have no issue taking the time off as the way I look at it work will always be there, but then that conflicts with the things I have read here about taking care of myself... soooo much to learn.
I would say that your job comes first. And it's not like you're trying to push it off several weeks or anything.
In general, remember, this is HER DEAL. You don't need to help push it along the path.
Puppy
She is supposed to call around and talk to some attorneys/mediators today. If she finds one she is wanting to make an appointment during my work hours for us to go.
Issue is that I have a deadline that I really need to keep this week at work.
So would asking her to wait for the appointment until I can get this completed before I take a day off work be the right thing to do? Or would that be pushing her farther away? (Remember my first post about putting things off)
Do not ask her for permission; she is not your mommy. You are a man. If you have a project at work, then you are not available, period. She doesn't have to like it.
"I'm sorry, W, but that doesn't work for me. It will have to be <insert time/date/etc. here>."
One of the big things that happens to men in a M is they become sort of passive and do whatever is necessary to keep the peace. Sometimes we women beat the man out of you. The thing is, women don't respect men who roll over for them and don't act like men, and women can't be sexually attracted to men they don't respect.
It's what happened in my M...I had emotionally walked away, but know what happened when my H dropped the bomb and I couldn't talk him out of it like I'd been able to with every other thing in our M? I took notice and respected the hell out of him. And then I DB'd my butt off to get him back.
Any chance your W might feel the same way?
SD
One of the big things that happens to men in a M is they become sort of passive and do whatever is necessary to keep the peace. Sometimes we women beat the man out of you. The thing is, women don't respect men who roll over for them and don't act like men, and women can't be sexually attracted to men they don't respect.
SD
Listen to what SD says here - this is exactly what happened to me as well....again hind sight is 20/20 but the harder part is going to be going forward.
Have you done anything to GAL yet? As of right now i have had my W watching me for a few weeks now...nor pursuing (very hard) and i notice she is watching....closely.
It's what happened in my M...I had emotionally walked away, but know what happened when my H dropped the bomb and I couldn't talk him out of it like I'd been able to with every other thing in our M? I took notice and respected the hell out of him. And then I DB'd my butt off to get him back.
Any chance your W might feel the same way?
SD
I wish I knew. Im still in the process of trying to figure out exactly where she stands.
About the only thing I have so far is "She doesnt have it in her to go on" and does not think things can change.
Now to top it off the seed has been planted that maybe there is OM and now I have to figure out how to deal with that on top of everything.
Right now I have made the determination to get my life in order and try to take care of myself and stop just throwing everything I have worked for in the past 20 years away. (Like a dumbass I first offered her my entire 401k and all the money from the house if it sells.)
I was ready to give up on everything and Ill be honest even have had suicidal thoughts just to end the pain. But after much reflection and even some of the very things I have been reading in these forums has shown me that this same weakness that I am now displaying is the same weakness that has put me in this situation.
This is all so easy to type out, now to start taking those steps.
GMAN,
Sorry didnt see your question, was typing reply out above.(Ok then I had to go look up what GAL ment :))
About the only thing I have done at this point is make Doctor appointment to get help with the smoking and depression bouts. More the smoking then the depression now that I feel I know what was causing the depression, but would still like to get some professional advice.
Second thing is having bookstore hold my books for me so I can run down and pick them up right after work.
I do have some things in mind, I need to get my lazy butt to the fitness center this week and get back into my workouts. Also a pool hall near here has a pool league I want to check out. Im kinda leary about that one as it puts me into a bar room scenario and I need to make sure I am strong enough for that. Ive been in the bottom of a bottle and the only thing there is the next one.
GMAN,
(Ok then I had to go look up what GAL ment :))
lol....we all have!
I do have some things in mind, I need to get my lazy butt to the fitness center this week and get back into my workouts. Also a pool hall near here has a pool league I want to check out. Im kinda leary about that one as it puts me into a bar room scenario and I need to make sure I am strong enough for that. Ive been in the bottom of a bottle and the only thing there is the next one.
I am no vet at this - but i will tell you that getting my "lazy butt" off the couch and just going for a run one night has led me into starting to GAL. (Along with reading DR)
Do a 180 if you will - don't do "more of the same". Time to work on you now.
not sure - but others will chime in, i would stay away from a bar/pool hall especially if you have had a past with drinking.
Also check into a book i think Coach told me about the
UltimateMind Solution.
Sitting here all pumped up and ready to start this GAL thing. Then the feelings start to creep back. I go an read a few posts and that builds me back up a bit, but then when I let my mind go idle it starts back again.
I see people here that have been doing this for years and I envy the strength that I see. Here I am just a few weeks into things and I my insides are all torn up, god please give me strength for just one more day.
See what happens when the boss calls in sick and we are all left with a full day to goof off !
The pain will go away in time.
I agree with the others. Make it so that what she "wants" to plan is "convenient" for you. If she wants it so bad, she has to make the plans accommodate you.
She will get pissed saying that you are holding things up. Not at all. You've just got more important things in your life.
Think of her like a teenager. She's making demands, throwing a tantrum and running away from home. You stand strong yet be flexible enough to avoid her tantrums.
Think of her like a teenager. She's making demands, throwing a tantrum and running away from home. You stand strong yet be flexible enough to avoid her tantrums.
I like this! Thank You!!
Other symptoms are often masked as "laziness". Depression is often seen as being lazy, but that's not true. When you feel good, then you aren't usually lazy. Learn to be disciplined but also learn to be your own best friend, b/c your W is not going to be it! Glad you got your eyes opened before you handed everything over on a silver platter.
I have been reading in these forums has shown me that this same weakness that I am now displaying is the same weakness that has put me in this situation.
Okay, well that's good. So set your goals and stay focused about setting out to do what needs to be done. When you are use to putting things off......it's hard to change, but not impossible. If you want to change badly enough, you can do it!
May I suggest that you don't try to stop smoking until you get the depression handled? You may be facing a D and you don't need to try to stop doing all your addictions (like smoking) at the same time you're drepressed and having M trouble! A lot of good men have tried and learned it was too much to handle all at one time.
I know you feel that your world has come to an end, but many people are here who can talk to you and know exactly how you're feeling. Remember that this woman you see today is not who you M. You need to grieve over the death of that R and decide that you'll seek to become a new man....and some day have a new R (maybe with this lady, or maybe not) but at any rate, you will be fine.
We've all made mistakes and we all learn from each other. You are not alone in this, okay?
Thank you Sandi,
Will be spending some time at the bookstore this evening and seeing what is out there. I have one of Micheles books picked out and will have to order the one that gman mentioned.
I guess I need to come to the realization that this is not going to be an instant gratification phase of my life and one of the hardest struggles I have ever had.
I do appreciate all that our helping in this thread, and I hope that you guys will continue to follow along with this as right now this is my life line. Will keep updating as things progress and try to minimize the simple questions.
-And no this PC does not have a spell checker so please forgive my typos
One last question for the day:
She wants a divorce, I dont. Do I fight it or go along with the plan? (Lawyer appointments, helping her pack, selling things, etc. etc.)
Or is that something I will learn as I read some of the books here?
Sorry you're going through this Wired.
I was ready to give up on everything and Ill be honest even have had suicidal thoughts just to end the pain.
Your first GAL step is to deal with these thoughts. It's great that you are seeing a C. Don't beat around the bush: discuss these thoughts with your C right away. Talk to your doctor about depression and your suicidal thoughts. You're in for a rough ride in the next little while, and while feeling in pain is normal, suicidal thoughts mean that you need help with managing your moods and thinking. Something you can do yourself is
challenging the cognitive distortions that add fuel to the suicidal thoughts.
I would recommend getting the
Divorce Remedy book (Divorce Busting is an earlier edition).
One last question for the day:
She wants a divorce, I dont. Do I fight it or go along with the plan? (Lawyer appointments, helping her pack, selling things, etc. etc.)
Or is that something I will learn as I read some of the books here?
You drag your feet. Don't be a horse's ass, but you don't have to help it along, either.
Puppy
One last question for the day:
She wants a divorce, I dont. Do I fight it or go along with the plan? (Lawyer appointments, helping her pack, selling things, etc. etc.)
At this stage, never initiate conversations about D or separation. If you don't want a D, do absolutely nothing to move it forward -- make her do all the work. Whether on not you help her with moving out, etc. depends on the specifics of the situation and you will learn more about that from the DR book. Tell your W that you've decided that you are not ready to make any legal or financial decisions right now.
Her divorce is Not Your Job.
You're a busy man. You've got things to do. Garages to clean. Shoes to polish. Tackle boxes to reorganize. You wish you could, you know, help a bruvva out 'n' sh*t, but unfortunately your dance card is full.
"She wants a divorce, I dont. Do I fight it or go along with the plan? (Lawyer appointments, helping her pack, selling things, etc. etc.)"
What do you want? Do you want a D? If not, then you come up with an action plan. Read DR to find out how. Start getting on friendly terms with your W and do things for yourself as if you were single again.
Live life for you. Not for her. I know in the beginning you're going to want everything wrapped up as quickly as possible, but it's not going to happen overnight.
You need prayer and a heck of alot of patience. Take things one day at a time and you'll start to get rid of that fear that you have building in the pit of your stomach.
I agree, Wired. Talk to your doctor and realize that this is a very difficult time that you are going through. It does not make you less of a man to know when you need medication to sleep or to handle depression.
Make it a priority to take care of your own well being, b/c you can't take care of anything else if you don't.
Update:
In late tonight after bookstore. Picked up DR and "Hold on to your Nuts" OMGWTF!!This guy knows me personally! Talk about being hit with a 2x4!! I didnt hide reading HOTYN as I felt if questioned I could explain it as "Something I need right now" Did not show her DR.
Never a word mentioned between the two of us for a couple hours.
Son had a problem with computer and for some reason she was the one that came down and asked about it. She sat at the bar across from my desk as my son and I talked and put her head down, she looked beat down.
I held firm and did not say a thing.(Controlling tears is a bitch)
She got up and walked away and my son and I talked a bit longer.
I explained to him a couple things and told him in a few days I need to talk to him about somethings.
He hugged me and told me he loved me. I know Im supposed to be toughguy, but this brought the tears...
Im trying guys.
You're doing good Wired, and hold on to your N.U.T.S.
Controlling those tears gets easier as you take better care of yourself. Take some time for yourself, in private and let it all out. I've spent many hours alone in the shower, away from my kids, sobbing. Keep trying, you can do this.
The doubts started last night as I lay awake in bed. What if I am doing the wrong thing? What if doing a 180 and waiting for her to come around is taken as he doesnt love me and I will still go on with this.
Do I get her something for Valentines day knowing how much holidays mean to her. How will this differ from the mistakes I made in the past on holiday?
Lord please bless me with the strength and serenity to get through this day.
-Footsteps please Lord
You are doing great- I'm sure you've already said everything you can say to her- now just the 180's detatch and 4C's, PMA.
It's good your focusing on your kids.
I'm not a pro at all- I know most others will say no Valentines Day anything.
I effed up in my sitch and did Christmas. Just play it out and see how it goes. Do the unexpected. And do find the time and privacy to let out your grief. It's what's best for you, but she does not need or deserve to see it.
Not a good day today.
Stayed home from work as was just to beat down from work and all that has been going on.
Woke up early and wanted to talk to my kids and explain to them a bit of why things where turning out this way.
Unfortunately I let my emotions take over and made myself out to be the bad guy...again. But I did get somethings out that I think needed to be said.
Much hurt as I think my daughters are now lost to me. I think my son still has a bit of faith/hope that Dad can turn things around.(Not in the marriage, but in his and mine relationship)
After the talk with the kids, W and I sitting at table talking about things, phone rings and without a word she walks out of the room, comes back and sits down and starts talking to her sister(sob we where in mid sentence.)
Here is where I really mess up, I get up to walk out and take a drive so the anger would not show, grabbed my shoes from bedroom and by time I reached kitchen(where she was sitting down)I had cooled down enough to realize storming out was not the answer so I put my shoes down, a little too harshly and she picked up on it in a heartbeat... well [censored], one step forward, 2 steps back.
18 years = 18 months right? pheww its gonna be a long ride
Hey Wired,
These early days are the worse.
It's good that your are looking inwards and accepting your parts in the failure of the marriage. Remember that she had a part too.
Are you taking care of yourself? It's so crucial right now. You need to eat, drink lots of water, and get exercise.
Much hurt as I think my daughters are now lost to me. I think my son still has a bit of faith/hope that Dad can turn things around.(Not in the marriage, but in his and mine relationship)
Focus on today, not the future. You are their father forever. Be the best father you can TODAY. It's good that you are accessing your past failures, but use them to improve who you are now. They will respect you for it.
After the talk with the kids, W and I sitting at table talking about things
What things are you talking about? You need to get busy with your own life now. I know how hard it is. What you need to be doing is figuring out what Wired wants out of life, want Wired needs to do to be a better man and better father. You should be too busy to be having talks about things right now. The first steps are the hardest. I started with taking walks.
What if I am doing the wrong thing? What if doing a 180 and waiting for her to come around is taken as he doesnt love me and I will still go on with this.
This is your fear. Fear will paralyze you. You need to read more threads here! Everyone asks this question. Time is on your side, but you need to take some action for yourself. Small steps are good.
Don't allow her to make you look like the bad guy in this stitch. Don't "accept" being the bad guy thinking it is the part you should play. You are not being nobel doing that. It will hurt your girls and it will affect their R with men for the rest of their lives. They have to respect their father. Please believe me....it's so important that you don't "cover" for your W. She has to have the consequences to deal with.....and not hand them to you.
As for Valentines, don't you think it would be rather inappropriate since that is the day of romance & love? I think she might utter a small "thanks", but I can promise you that she will not like it. In fact, you will make yourself look like.......well, a wuss for caving.
You don't have to be a jerk about it, but just don't go that route. The two of you are talking D. Are you going to give her a card professing your love, or flowers & candy? It just doesn't make good sense to me (thinking as a WAW thinks).
These second thoughts you are having about what you are doing is the fear that is trying to take control. You can't lose what you don't have....and right now, you don't have a M and you don't have your W's love. Actually, you don't have your W....so you don't have anything to lose. However, you have everything to gain. That is what you need to think about. Forget this old R. Forget this old life and the old person you've been. Start fresh and make yourself into a new man.
Opperating out of emotions will rob you of all your energy. Have you seen your doctor about any meds yet? This will make you too sick to work or to continue on if you don't find help. Depression is a killer. Don't let it do that to you, please.
Listen to Sandi!
(I spend 20 minutes on a post, and it's no where near this clear.)
You are getting good advice here Wired. I hope you can follow it. Here are some things to live by right now, that sandi was kind enough to post in my first thread:
I often give this list to newcomers as a guide or work plan b/c it is a summery of DB's 180's. Hope it will help.
1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore! This turns the spouse completely off!
2. No frequent phone calls to spouse.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to your spouse through conversation.....instead, you say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, look at your M pictures, etc. Especially, do not get him/her to read the DB/DR book. That is for you only!
4. Do not follow your spouse around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention.
5. Do not encourage talk about the future. They don't want to think about a future with you at the moment, so stay clear of that subject.
6. Do not ask for help from family members or friends. Don't discuss private matters with them that would upset your spouse.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.) Show self-respect and self confidence.
8. Do not buy gifts to make "brownie points". (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together at this point. (That is pursuing.) Save for later when the R is much better.
10.Do not spy on spouse by checking emails, phone bills, etc. (Not good for you and will make matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make your spouse say it back to you......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act "as if" you are moving on with your life with or without them and that you are going to be okay. Keep a good attitude.
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times! In other words, be the best you can be and look the best you can look at all times. Even when wearing jeans and T-shirt, wear good cologne, b/c it does cause the spouse to take notice.
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse to see what kind of mood he/she is in or what he/she is going to do or say – get busy, think of things to do. Go to church, go out with friends, etc. in order to get a life for yourself without waiting on your wife/husband.....but it is okay to invite them, just don't act as if it will change your plans if they do or don't go.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be rather scarce or with your words, but don't sound rude or too short like you are mad. If your spouse asks what's wrong....just say "nothing" and have a pleasant expression on your face. Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an argument! Stay polite and don’ t act like you are pouting. Use poise and class. This does not mean to act like you aren’t speaking, but don’t be overly talkative.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK THEM NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home! You are giving them space and asking no questions! You enjoy your time with your kids, friends, etc. Remember, you are getting a life, also.
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!) This is important! If you do, then you have blown it.
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. This can confuse some of them b/c it is not what they expected. Show your spouse someone he/she would want to be around all the time, somebody that can be attractive and fun to be with. That somebody is you! Don't overkill in your attempts to outshine another person your spouse may be having an A with (if there is OP in the picture) to the point of looking like your attempts are "fake" b/c your spouse will see through all of that.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)so this takes patient on your behalf.
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let your spouse trap you into a fight. Don't take her/his bait.....leave the room or the house for a while, if you have to, in order to avoid a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic, don't over-kill; in anything you do b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how your spouse feels about something (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.) Only they know how they feel!
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give your spouse space and time. When you pull back, it will draw them towards you. It feels opposite of what you want to do, but it works!
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you. Look them in the eyes when they talk to you. Do not interrupt them when they are speaking and stop what you may be working on to look at them when they talk. This shows them that you really care about what they are saying.
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil). This is for your health's sake.
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes. They are for you only.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly show that you are "desperate" or "needy" even when you are hurting more than ever and truly feel desperate and needy. This is a large turn-off for your spouse.
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse, instead, focus on them.
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not ask your spouse if he/she has noticed your changes. Those changes are for you and for the rest of your life...with or without your spouse. If it is just to get your spouse back...they won't last and the same problems will return.
35.Do not send several TM's or emails throughout the day unless absolutely necessary.
36. It is best to stay away from the bar scenes where other problems easily arise.
37. Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.
Any kind of acknowledgement of V-day would be a DBing no-no in your sitch.
Can you take a babystep tomorrow towards dealing with your depression?
Thank you guys/gals. Sometimes it just helps to hear things you know are right.
My biggest challenge right now is trying to silence the little boy inside me who is in pain and just wants it all to stop. I am trying to let the "MAN" take over and do the things that need to be done.
I do have a question that is eating at me right now.
How do I know if it was love I had for her or dependency? How do you know if you truly love someone. I know, silly question, but it is one that is hitting me hard right now.
I think I can self answer it. Become the man you need to be and then ask yourself that question?
Thank You
Can you take a babystep tomorrow towards dealing with your depression?
I looked at 2010 Harleys today. Put the screenshot of the one I like on my desktop. Long story short I have told myself for years that on my 40th birthday I would get one. Well that dream has come and gone. But who knows?
A person has to have a dream right?
On a serious side tho, the depression is like standing on the beach. It comes in and goes out with the tide. Monday I see my doctor and he doesn't know it yet but I am dumping 40 years of issues at his feet and asking for help.
I do have a question that is eating at me right now.
How do I know if it was love I had for her or dependency? How do you know if you truly love someone. I know, silly question, but it is one that is hitting me hard right now.
I think I can self answer it. Become the man you need to be and then ask yourself that question?
Thank You
Try these links:
Book:
Book: Codependent No Morehttp://www.codependents.org/
I love you guys/gals. Im going to BN to pick that book up now Awoken.
You know, today I had my doubts about this whole thing.(DB,GAL,180 ETC.)
I asked W a simple question today and she replied with a snippy answer. So I just smiled and said "Ok" and walked into the bedroom. It wasnt 10 seconds later she was hot on my tail wanting to know what the problem was. I smiled again and said "No problem was just wondering why you had done this certain thing and it had caught me off guard." and I left it at that and started folding my socks again.
She didnt say a word as I think she was floored by my not chasing an argument and politely just putting an end to it without leaving any room for a comeback to try and lead to a fight.
About 20 minutes later I grabbed my bookbag and tossed on my shoes getting ready to head to work so I could post my hours(and get some alone time to be honest) wasnt saying a word and she made like a roadrunner down the stairs to find out where I was going. I explained to her my plans smiled and walked out, not a following reply from her. I could tell she wasnt used to this.
I think I am going to enjoy this GAL thing. It helps a ton.
I looked at 2010 Harleys today. Put the screenshot of the one I like on my desktop. Long story short I have told myself for years that on my 40th birthday I would get one. Well that dream has come and gone. But who knows?
A person has to have a dream right?
My H had a dream as a teenager to tour Europe on a motorcycle. He even had a special leather jacket made up to do it. That dream took a long time coming, but he got his first motorcycle when he turned 44. He had never even ridden a bike before that, but he decided that if he was ever going to do it, he needed to get started. We toured Europe on motorcycles for our honeymoon many years later - he took that leather jacket with him.
Keep that dream in front of you. It's never too late and it can give you some hope and goals.
Wow, that sounds great, Wired. That is a great 180 for you....and it worked. Just a suggestion, but as you continue to GAL, etc., don't feel that you owe your W detailed information about your plans. Keep it "general" and that makes things more interesting. Gives you a touch of mystery!
I read something a long time ago. It said that most men can deal with anything except boredom at their own address. Is that ture? (lol) Well, I think mystery in our partners causes a lot of interest. After being M for a while, it kind of helps to stir that interest up, right? I always tell people to never lie to their S, but keep enough details out to make them wonder what you're up to....(lol). It sure seem to work with your W.
Doubts again, cant help it.
Cant get rid of the tearing inside. I know I have done a ton of wrong things in the past. She was not angel either. Is this whole thing just a form of manipulation to try and keep her because the thought of being alone again terrifies me?
I started into the book Codependent No More, and some of it does relate. But the words are lost on me.
Going to do some praying now. Maybe god has taken his hands off me do to my lack of faith. Maybe there is no god.
One more day lord, one more day.
Thank you all for listening.
Monday is my first Dr. appt. I really need to find a support group in this area.
(((Wired)))
Hang in there.
When my W dropped the bomb on me, and my family began to crumble, I felt the same way: maybe there is no god. I began to worry that in this crisis I would lose all faith, and be more alone than ever.
To my great surprise, my faith has grown stronger than ever. It's here in the people that populate this forum, it's in the quiet times when I am alone with my thoughts and I find I have strength I never thought I would have.
Hang in there my friend.
Doubts again, cant help it.
Cant get rid of the tearing inside.
I know the feelings well, Wired. I got some advice early on that really helped me. I had already been told to start some exercise as part of GAL. what really helped me, was someone pointed out that one of the benefits of exercise was that it would wear me out enough that when I got home I would be too tired for the obsessive thinking and worrying that was plaguing me.
I started taking long, hard walks. When I'm in my worst turmoil, when I start thinking I need to do something I really shouldn't, I take one of these long walks until I'm exhausted. By the time I get home, I finally get some much needed sleep.
Thanks Awoken
I'm sitting here waiting for the fitness center to open up and to go get my haircut (Gotta look good to feel good
Much better mood this morning after a good nights sleep. I started reading through your thread and now I need a bit of advice, hoping you and some of the vets will see this (Puppy help!!)
Finances
For the entire length of our marriage I have been the breadwinner and she has stayed home to raise the kids. Which is/was fine by me as we also home schooled. Along with this she also took care of the family budget. (Which looking back is probably part of the problem as she always had to deal with the hard times with the good where I should have been working with her)
So in a nutshell she has control of the money and her plan is to use our tax return to do through with the D.
Should I take all control of our cash now and tell her to find a way to pay for her own damn lawyer? (deep breath, calm thoughts, no anger
) Or do I let things continue on and let her have use of the money as she sees fit.
Mind you I don't hate her but I know now I am not going to through everything away so she can chase some dream or another R if that be the case.
Thank You
You've read some of my thread; good don't repeat my mistakes.
I have two threads here. I started the last one in a panic when I discovered that my W, the person I've trusted the most for the past 18 years, had taken all the cash (2000+) from our cash box.
I ran to the bank in a panic, worried that she had emptied the bank accounts. Fortunately the money was still there. I opened my own account, and transferred exactly half the money into it.
I had already seen a lawyer just to know what I was facing, and she had advised me to separate our finances then, and that taking 50 percent would be appropriate. I had been advised here to separate finances too, but I was scared to make her angry, to push her further towards divorce. I now know I was letting my fear control me, and I should have moved sooner. Not because of the money alone. My W is in some kind of a crisis right now, making strange selfish choices, putting her needs far above the needs of the family. Separating finances protected myself, and my kids!
Even on the day I opened my account, I was still hesitant to close the credit cards. Again, it was fear. Fear of pissing her off, and fear of taking one more step towards the destruction of my family. Again, I waited too long. When she charged her full graduate school tuition, which we had agreed she would use a student loan for, onto our shared credit card, I finally called and canceled it.
It my sitch, my W and I make almost equal incomes. I don't know about your sitch, or about D laws in your state. You should see a lawyer.
I think you should:
1) Don't let fear control you. Protect yourself, it's whats best for everyone.
2) find a good family law attorney, and spend an hour or two going over your sitch with them.
3) following good legal advise, separate your finances as soon as possible.
Weekends tend to be slower around here, as posters are hopefully out GAL'ing. I'm pretty new here, let's see what the others have to say about this too.
By the way, good for you getting out right away to get the books. I've got a small library at this point! Still, the reading has been helping me control my negative thinking, and really focus on becoming a better Awoken.
New haircut. Great! Don't point it out to W.
deep breath, calm thoughts, no anger
This is very good. You're doing great. You can do this.
Major step backwards again.
-Took a long drive yesterday as it seems to help clear my head and let me think. Only can have two thoughts in my head at the time, the road and my marriage.
-Came home and told her I wanted to separate the accounts and start paying all the household bills, told her I don't know who she is anymore and not sure what she will do.
-She gets up and walks away and I break down again. Talk to her a few minutes later and ask her to help me learn how to pay what bills we have and I will leave account alone. (I know, big mistake)
We talk again later and she tells me she is afraid that I wont pay the bills and she will get slammed with bad credit and not be able to do what she wants to do with the kids as far as putting them into college, getting loan for a new house etc.
After tossing and turning all night and letting my mind wander, I think I have come to a thought of why things turned out the way they did.
We where married quite early, her already with one daughter from a previous marriage. She was a few months pregnant with "our" first child when we married.
When we dated it was all about us, every minute was about us and everything we did was about us.
After our first child and the marriage it became about the kids. Only problem is she became totally about the kids and not about us anymore. Which I can understand that to a point, but we never made any time for us. I think over the years I began to resent this and became unhappy and this has led to some of the problems I have had in the past of chasing happiness in the drugs, the alcohol and spending money. Not that I was that stable before we met.
Which brings us to today. Her plan is using the money that she will get from divorcing me to put the kids into college. As a married couple we would have a really tough time with our current financial situation putting 1 child into a decent college let alone 2 of them. She is also trying to get a job in a university about 100 miles away from here so that will help with the tuition for the youngest child.
Its a shame that in today's society that there is more help for a divorced woman for things like that then there is for a married couple just trying to make ends meet.
I cant fight against this. The kids are her life and she sees this as her only way out.
She goes to to the lawyer Friday. She wants me to come with her but I am not sure that I can sit there and plan our life away.
For now I think I am going to try to get my life fixed before I attempt to try and fix our marriage.
Back on with the mask. And I only hope the distance will not be the clincher that finally ends it.
Thank you
Wired.
It sounds like you are still doing things the way you were before. How has that worked out?
You need to radically change things, change what you are doing.
I'm not a successful DB'er, but I've read more threads here than I can count. You need to stop talking with your wife about your relationship or about divorce. If she wants to talk, you tell her you need to leave to (insert a GAL activity, even if you have to make it up!). You need to ask as-if everything is ok.
DON'T view this as manipulating her, because that will surely fail. You have to do this because you are moving on and taking care of Wired. You need to accept what is happening to you. You don't have a choice, do you?
When you discuss this stuff with you W, all you get is useless information that gets in the way of what you should be doing. Listen, you'll never know the real reasons she is a WAW. Anything she says now is used to JUSTIFY what she is doing. Time and time again in the threads I've read, WAS's rewrite the past.
I'm imagining your conversation with W about the finances. Of course you told her what you wanted to do. Far back in your mind you want her to say, "oh no, don't do that. I'm not sure I want a divorce, let's work it out". You are still trying to control her, trying to GET her back into your M. Understand, she is already gone.
I still think my advice a couple of posts applies to you. Talk to your own lawyer, then separate your finances. Let her be mad.
Don't be vengeful, just starting taking care of yourself. Start building better relationships with your children. Start doing whatever you need to do for your new BETTER life.
I know this hurts like nothing else. You are in the worse of it now. The sooner you start taking care of wired the better everything will be.
Thanks again Awoken,
Another Mild break down today. Made it to the bedroom before the kids could see.
I've come to the point where I cant go any further down. I cant eat, I haven't slept but a couple hours in the past 3 days and the pain inside is almost unbearable.
I tried to stay busy by cleaning out the basement and just getting read of some old junk. I ran across the little toolbox I bought my son years ago so he could be daddies little man... We never used it.
I look back at all the things I chased for happiness when they stood right in front of me.
Im trying so hard now, but it hurts. Im sure you all know.
Please, pray for me.
Wired,
I am reading up on your sitch. In the meantime I am sending up some prayers for you.
(((Wired))))
Wired,
It's good you made it to the bedroom before the kids saw it. Good job on that. Take time for yourself to let it out. I've spent hours in the shower, sobbing away.
I wasn't sleeping either. I went to my general doctor and got some medicine to help with the sleep, and some anti-depressants. The anti-depressants take at least a couple of weeks to start working. One thing that could really help with the sleep is the exercise I mentioned. Wear yourself out, go outside and run till you can't anymore.
I'm praying for you. Hang in there. You can do this. It WILL get better.
Update Again
Last night I cried till I puked. Sat in the bathroom feeling sorry for myself and begging God not to take her away from me that I could not stand being alone. It took everything in my power to keep from ending it all last night as I sat there feeling sorry for myself and in so much pain.
No more.
Awoken,
I want to thank you and I am sure others in this thread have said the same, but I am not going to look back through them as the things I have posted up till today have been the self pity.
"She is already gone"
Today things change. Starting with the phone call to our bank in 24 minutes.
I want to thank each and every person that visits this site and takes the time to post and to pray for us new comers when we are weak.
I know now that I will stumble, and it is going to be easy and that the tears will still come. But if I am ever going to save me, I have to let go of her.
The lord may have plans for us to be together someday, he may have plans for something else.This I do not know. But I am now ready to find out what is in store for me.
I do continue to ask for prayer, not to save my marriage, but to help me find the strength to be the man I should have been for the past 18 years.
Posting one more time in hopes that someone can help me with a conflict. To do this I have to give you some insight with what I am faced with now.
-Wife says she wants out, gives me the "I love you and care for you but I cant take this anymore"
- Her "Plan" is to use the money she gets from my 401k and the house selling to hopefully get into a house.
-She also plans on trying to get a job at the university to help pay for at least one of this kids tuition.(You think she would call them to see if any openings)
-She wants Alimony so she can claim it as income
-Child Support (I have no problem)
-She wants all of our income tax return to hire a lawyer(one she picked out and talked to)
-She wants to put my son in a college that we couldnt even afford when together.
Here is my conflict.
I read some things on this board that says I need to be her friend and do everything she needs to get restarted(I could be emotionally seeing the message wrong)
I also see that I need to take care of my self but I feel like if I fight her every step of the way and force her out that what kind of a person does that make me?
I feel like she is using the "You are thinking of yourself and not the kids and I" against me. She thinks that I am just going to go along with everything and make things easy for her to walk out.
I know I have to take care of myself, but finding that line between taking care of myself and treating her with respect and dignity and doing what is right by the children is the grey line that I am having trouble seeing.
Please Help
P.S. I do apologize for all the questions and uncertainties, but I have no one else to turn to right now.
If you are entitled to some of the tax return I dont think you are required to fund her seeking a lawyer. The college thing, you can contribute something to an account- moneymarket or college fund- she doesn't need it all up front.
She will use the kids as leverage- just don't cough anything up immediately
Were you this indecisive while you have been married to her?
It is no wonder she wants out the way you are acting...
GROW UP. You are sounding like a little child here that wants his mommy....
Make some decisions here and live with the outcome.
You are a big boy. MAKE a decision based on being strong and confident...
I will give you a hint.... (get YOURSELF a lawyer asap and let him guide you regarding who gets what and so forth.)
You seem destined here to error on the side of being a wimp than you are of being too strong with her. If it were me, I would be taking care of Gucci right now. The kids are just another excuse she is using to get what SHE wants. Don't fool yourself.
Wired,
One thing that could really help with the sleep is the exercise I mentioned. Wear yourself out, go outside and run till you can't anymore.
been watcing your situation as well as dealing with my own - i have been running almost everyu day/night for 3-4 weeks now. My mind still wanders as i fall asleep, but by body takes over and wants and needs it's rest.
it is a good way to GAL too, not to mention i am down 15 pounds and feel much better physically than i have in years.
Do it for you.
Thanks Gucci,
Twice I have been given the wake up slap today. I needed that.
wired,
Have you thought about getting some professional help? I think you need someone in front of you that you can unload on. Do you have any close guy friends?
Gucci's right about you sounding really needy. I understand the loneliness, pain of rejection and all that. We all do. The thing is that you need to pull it all together. Think of yourself like Rocky. You're down but not out. You've got to live for yourself. If you want a goal, then fight for your kids. They are YOUR kids too after all.
You listed all of her goals and what she wants to do. Well what do YOU want to do? Aside from saving your M, if you had not married, what did you always want to do?
You need to do something that will light the fire under your ass and get your mind off the R. Listen to a song that's inspiring or something that gets you off your feet and into action. Watch a guy flick or something. Anything to get your mind off the sitch.
It's hard to do but once you get started, it gets easier each day.
Stuck, I did have my first Dr. appt. today. He has put me on some medication to take the edge of the depression and anxiety. He also gave me the card to a therapist here that is free through a program my work has set up.
Had a good long talk with a friend today who also pounded in the "wake up" and start taking action. So that makes 3 slaps to the head.
Honestly, I really have no ideal what I want to do right now. But will post back as soon as I get my plan layed out.
I need to pull away from this board for a couple days as I look back and see that I have been using it as a crutch waiting for the magic words to come through that would make everything alright. Not realizing they have been here all along.
Good for you. Did you actually read DR though? It will help you come up with an "action oriented" plan. That will help you get your focus back once you have a goal set in mind.
Here is my conflict.
I read some things on this board that says I need to be her friend and do everything she needs to get restarted(I could be emotionally seeing the message wrong)
I also see that I need to take care of my self but I feel like if I fight her every step of the way and force her out that what kind of a person does that make me?
I know I have to take care of myself, but finding that line between taking care of myself and treating her with respect and dignity and doing what is right by the children is the grey line that I am having trouble seeing.
"...I read some things on this board that says I need to be her friend [b]and do everything she needs to get restarted"
Can I ask who told you that?
Probably someone who wants you to live in sadness & limbo for the rest of your life.
Honestly, someone on this site told you to do everything she needs to get started?!
Who?!
You need to take care of yourself and put your needs at the forefront because you can sure that she doesn't have your best interests as part of her plan on leaving you.
Take care of you.
Trying to find it now Robx, it was the "man up" thread.
But as I said I have been a bit of an emotional roller coaster the past few days and I may have taken the point entirely wrong. Trying to find the post now.
And this place is like a darn magnet.
I am about halfway through DR, but need to go back to the start here shortly once I get my head clear of all the other thoughts.
Ok there must be a timer on the edit limit as I cannot edit the post above.
This is what I am talking about in the "Man Up Thread"
"everyone (mostly her family and friends) told me to let her choke on her own space that she was asking for, to let her fall flat on her face in the task of moving a household including our children. Effectively going dark." -I am getting the same advice.
"Why would I do that to my best friend...the person I chose to marry and have children with. My W received virtually no help from any of her friends/family. If I did the same, I would just be one of them and would have justified her choice."
-She has no one. Her father is a drunk, her mom doesn't speak to her, the friend she is getting advice from is divorced from a guy who beat her and has tried to separate us from day one. The woman has no one but our kids.
Ok, maybe I do sound needy. yes right now I am. yes I do need to stop this roller coaster ride that I am going through the past couple days.
The above is my dilemma. Where to draw the line and stand firm. Money doesn't mean a damn thing to me. Money is easy and can be made by working. Ive dug ditches, Ive slung hamburgers. I'm not afraid of work.
What I am afraid of is being alone. I am also afraid of that woman being in another city, alone and desperate thinking she now has no one to turn to as her husband has cut her off completely.
Yes I need to learn to love myself and to take care of myself I can see that. But to not be able to show compassion to another human being who has been with you through some hard times and good times. What kind of world would I have going through life being that type of person?
She is already gone. I know this. But I cannot see abandoning her like a dog on the corner.
I'm not trying to pick fights, please don't take me wrong. I am just hearing so many things right now on what to do and my heart/little boy inside is telling me something else.
Just trying to cut through the fog.
"But to not be able to show compassion to another human being who has been with you through some hard times and good times. What kind of world would I have going through life being that type of person?"
Showing compassion is not a bad thing. However your W doesn't want your compassion. That's the difference. You give it to those who need it and deserve it. Right now your W wants distance away from you. So give it to her. Don't give her attention she doesn't want.
Being a man means being able to take care of yourself and being secure in your ability to take of conflicts when they come up. If you're not secure in your own skin, you are not going to be secure fixing somebody else.
Get your foundation set in stone. Establish your boundaries as to what is or is not acceptable to YOU. Not anyone else.
Ok right or wrong. You are the 4th person to say this to me today. I will go through with it as I planned. Seeing attorney Friday. My attorney that is. She can see hers on her own.
Ok, maybe I do sound needy. yes right now I am. yes I do need to stop this roller coaster ride that I am going through the past couple days.
The above is my dilemma. Where to draw the line and stand firm. Money doesn't mean a damn thing to me. Money is easy and can be made by working. Ive dug ditches, Ive slung hamburgers. I'm not afraid of work.
What I am afraid of is being alone. I am also afraid of that woman being in another city, alone and desperate thinking she now has no one to turn to as her husband has cut her off completely.
Yes I need to learn to love myself and to take care of myself I can see that. But to not be able to show compassion to another human being who has been with you through some hard times and good times. What kind of world would I have going through life being that type of person?
She is already gone. I know this. But I cannot see abandoning her like a dog on the corner.
I'm not trying to pick fights, please don't take me wrong. I am just hearing so many things right now on what to do and my heart/little boy inside is telling me something else.Just trying to cut through the fog.
I feel the same way Wired...and I'm scared that no matter what I do it will be the wrog thing. And so far, everything I've done
has been the wrong thing.
You think "if I treat her like this...why would she ever want to come back?"
But then if she is indeed looking for someone who will stand up to her, you think "maybe it will work".
You go back and forth between these two ideas...but what's common among both of them is that you consider either decision while thinking about how
she will react...and the only outcome you want from either decision, no matter which one you make...is that you want your W back...you want your family back.
I dont envy you...as I'm in a similar predicament...and for me each new days beings the same insecurity and confusion. So I hope you will be able to be one up on me and shake off the confusion.
I just read your stitch nsw, seems we both have alot of growing up to do before everyone here gets tired of us and kicks us out.
But we have to get stronger for ourselves starting now.
She asked me to drive her to her doctors appt. in the morning due to she hates to drive in incliment weather. Ive already spent 3 vacation days over this and dont know how many I will need to spend for the rest of this and Im letting projects backup here at work.
I told her I will check conditions in the morning and if they are tolarable she can drive herself.
No more cake eating for her. She left me, not I her.
Feeling alot better today. Medicine the doctor prescribed has me sleeping through the night now. And my head seems to be clearing up to where I can focus on one thought at a time and concentrate on the outcome of that thought instead of thinking of multiple outcomes.
I can breath again. Now to move forward.
I agree w/ both of you that there is a line that we walk- remember that the problem is doing or not doing something out of fear.
We have to lose the fear of losing our W's and M's. Only then will we be free and can become whole again.
I toyed w/ all the angles- and w called them just that- angles. I looked at them more as reasons or factors- love, history, property, debt, family, jobs, etc etc etc.
I worked all of them- and it was all perceived to be what they were- pursuit, pressure, and neediness.
Then you read the one post or two maybe about the WAW who says I wanted you to fight for me. We read that and think AH HAH! That's what she wants.
The best way to go is to follow what the vets say- distance, detach, dont pursue, no R talk, and focus on you.
We all have a lot of growing up to do...and believe me- we all deserve a second chance but only some of us may get it.
We need to play the odds and be prepared if this is end game...become the WAS and regain your power
Never thought a couple little pills would help clear ones mind so much that they only hear one voice giving them direction.
I cant wait to see my therapist for the first time next week and see what they have to say. I have a feeling it wont be much as I for the first time in 18 years I feel I am thinking clearly.
I went to the bank yesterday and pulled out a large sum of money we had due to some major overtime I had and started my own account.(No I am not leaving her broke) When our income tax check comes in I will be pulling half of it out also. When she asks why I will simple say that you are the one walking out on me and I need to get on with my life.
I really wanted to save my marriage, but I was ready to destroy myself in the process. I cannot do this. I will continue to provide for my children the best I can. But she is going to have to realize I am moving on until she is willing to meet me halfway and talk about this together.
I guess I have broken all the rules of DR, but I have to save myself before I can do anything else.
Thank You all for the kind words and support as I first boarded the roller coaster.
I am so glad to hear you are feeling better. That has to be the beginning place for you. Now you see how much better you will be able to function. Just don't do like so many men tend to do about medicine.....and stop taking it when you begin to feel better. It doesn't mean you don't still need it, it means the medicine is "working"......and that is great. You are lucky that you didn't have to try several before finding the right one. Continue to follow your doctor's advice and no matter how long you need to stay on the presciption...it will be worth it, right?
LoL Sandi,
Heck Im afraid he will take me off the medicine! I can sleep for the first time in weeks and actually find myself coming into work earlier and earlier.(flex time)
God she pissed me off Friday and I almost backslid 100 miles.
When I told her that I was taking half of the tax return to pay for my own attorney she goes into this long rant in front of the kids about how daddy is being a jerk now and wont pay for her to get a divorce and she doesnt know what to do now.
I just smiled and said I will talk to you about this later and went into the bedroom to watch a movie.
Dunno if she is come down from that yet or not as I havent talked to her in 2 days.
I think as long as your doctor knows it is helping you, he/she will probably continue to prescribe it.
Has your W always talked so disrespectful to you in front of the children? That is very bad b/c it teaches the kids not to respect you and it also sets a standard form them whenever they M.
You handled youself better than flying off the handle at her, but what can you say or do to draw a boundary & consequence whenver showing lack of respect in front of the kids? I know that must really bother you!
Wired,
I'm so glad that you are doing better. I've still been watching your thread; just had a busy week. Besides, you've got the best here helping you out.
Hang in there, friend.
Good morning Wired. I just read a post you sent to a newcomer encouraging him to hang on. You told him how bad it got for you a couple of weeks ago. It scared me, Wired. Please tell us or talk to somebody whenever you hit the darkest place like that again, okay? It is very important that you take care of "you" first, b/c you can't handle this stress or take care of your family if you are completely broken physically & emotionally. I know you know that.....but I just had to stop reading and come by your thread and see about you. Are you still feeling better after getting on your meds? As I told you, I have had to take AD's for years. There were some that would work at first and then it was as if it would stop and some just didn't do anything. I have finally be given a prescription that is doing more than anything I've ever been on. So....if you reach a place that you feel that it isn't doing what it needs to, please, please contact your doctor at once.
Sandi,
Thank you for the concern. The moment I described was my darkest hour. One of those moments when everything came crashing down all at once and I felt like I was a worthless human being and the world would be a better place without me in it.
I know it sounds silly and many will scoff at the thought of it, but unless you have been in that place you will never understand.
I am thinking alot more clearly now and I can actually sleep through the night.
I have come to the realization that even though I wasnt the Wally Cleaver of fathers, husbands over the years. I did not do to bad. I put a roof over my families head, I put food on the table and clothes on their backs. I tried to be as loving as I knew how(part of my issue of not knowing how).
I never abused, slept around or lost my temper completely with any of them. I wasnt perfect, but I was not a monster.
I know it takes more than this to make a marriage work, and I can see that now and I am trying, but if she doesnt want to give me one last chance then it is her that is loosing out on something great. Not me.
Thank you for your continued support and I will continue to keep this updated as often as possible. Not much to say right now as she isnt speaking to me once I divided up our finances and told her no I wasnt going to buy our D21 a new video card so she could sit up in her room and play warcraft all day. Bad news times folks, this is real life and the games end now.
Wired- I have been where you are and sometimes cycle through it daily. Though I do not have children. It's very important that you keep that perspective. Forgive yourself for what you did or did not do, and just carry on as best you can.
I have journaled for months- and I can see the cycling- if you can hold on to that reality that you describe above- you will heal well.
I started a journal myself. Its funny how you can look back and see the ups and the downs. It helps to look at the downs and to recognize them and not to repeat them.
Update Again.
Had first visit with therapist yesterday. It was kind of ironic that many of the things she said I had heard already from these very boards. But I did feel better after talking to her as it gave me someone to sound off on some of the things I have been going through and gave me a bit of assurance that things will be ok. She wants me to come back next week with at least 2 things I have done to make myself happy and show that I am taking care of myself. The list she gave me of suggestions had "Blow some bubbles" Im going to stop at walmart on the way home from work today and buy some just to see what happens.
Wife still not speaking to me. She is upset that I took half of our state refund to open my own account, wait till she realizes that I have also taken half of our federal return and put it into my new account. Makes me wonder if this whole time I havent just been a breathing ATM for her.
I know this is the wrong forum for this, but I need to start looking at if I really want to try and save my marriage or to just move on. Coming home to a tomb is not the must pleasant thing in the world. Is this just a phase I wonder? Is it normal to wonder if you just wouldnt be happier starting over?
Guess I need to read DR again now that I seem to be thinking with a clearer mind now.
Thank You all again for the support.
Sorry so long posting. Got the call last Sunday that no son wants to hear. My mother had passed on in the night. So after a week of ups and downs and feeling pain that I had never felt before, I am back to getting on with my DBing. The funny thing is I really am starting to look at this whole situation and trying to decide if its what I really want. I need to find that answer before I post anymore. So in case this is my last, thank you all for being there and all the kind words and prayers.
Your Friend
Mike
Sorry to hear that. I hope you are doing okay.
I know all this stuff with your W certainly isn't helping much, but hang in there. We all feel the intense ups and downs during this process.
You are still very early in the process, and I remember how badly I hurt during that time as well.
Feel free to come on here for all the support you need.
Sorry to hear about your mother. I hope you will come back and stay in touch.
Sandi
Updating finally since I cant seem to keep away from this site.
-Second session with therapist last night, she is concerned with the meds doctor has placed me on,says I seem to be a lot less focused then the last time we spoke. Had a good talk otherwise, funny though it all seems to be quoted from things I have read here. But it is nice to have the ummmm affirmation I think is the word?
-Still on the roller coaster of "Do I still want to be in this marriage?" But have put that on the back burner for the time being as I am trying to piece together my life and shortcomings I see with in myself. Also trying to let go of the past mistakes and look forward to being a better person as each day goes by.
-I come home to a tomb some nights, it seems the minute I walk in the door everyone heads upstairs and I dont see anyone for the rest of the night unless they come down to get a drink of water or something out of the fridge. This is usually the toughest time for me as the lonlieness sets in.
-Wife has not brought up the subject of D or anything since we returned from my mothers funeral. Well in fact she hasnt brought anything up. We rarely speak more then 1 or 2 words.
Taking baby steps now. Still working towards becoming the "Me" that I want to be. Reading through alot of the older posts here and in some of the other sections is opening up my eyes a bit and helping me to identify traits that I see in myself that I want to change and also gives me some insight into "what went wrong" so many years ago.
Keep up the good work around here guys/gals, at least one person is listening
House extremely quiet last night. But you know something, I wake up today in a better mood then I have been in weeks. I have the song "Whats going on?" by 4 non Blondes stuck in my head for some reason.
Starting to see things clearly now, think I can finally start getting on with this thing called life.
Have a good day everyone.
Hi Wired,
Just checking in to see how you're doing. Want also to offer my sympathies at your mom's passing. Sorry to hear you're alone a lot while you're grieving - that must make it even tougher. Glad to hear your day yesterday started off well. Hope it continued that way!
Anyways just wanted to see how you're progressing, and to thank you for the input you've offered me. I'm pretty lacking in experience here but if I can offer an ear or support in return for your kindness, I'm hear to listen...well, read I guess, is more accurate!
(see I don't even know how to do that cool smiley face yet!)
Oh hey... that's how you do the smiley face! I just typed in the colon and a bracket like I do with my emails, and it put the little smiley guy in for me! I'm so slow some days! And I work on computers all day! Yeesh!
Thanks for stopping in Prairie. Keeping tabs on your post also.
Update:
Had a long talk with my dad yesterday. He shared something with me that I never realized about my wife. She has had something inside her for years that she hasnt been able to let go. And he has seen that in her from the very first day I introduced the two of them. He does not know what exactly it is and I am sure she probably has told me a million times.
But until she starts the very same thing I am trying to do here she will never get over the hurt I have caused her and that she has put on herself over the years.
Update 2:
Have started taking over more responsibilities around the house that I used to shrug off onto her. Doing more with the kids now and trying to find this void inside that is keeping me from truly showing them the love I have for them, but I think as I find myself over the next few weeks this will hopefully become easier.
I did piss the wife off Friday when I was paying the bills, things are tight right now and she wanted me to do one thing a way she wanted and I did it the way I wanted to. She made a comment that she didnt trust me to do it right and I replied back " Either you can trust me to do this or pay the bill yourself" woooops she hasnt talked to me since. Oh well whats she going to do? Divorce me?
Update 3:
The roller coaster is still going, I can be doing fine for a few hours and then it hits me and I have to bee line to the bathroom and just break down and cry. Not as much anymore and I can recognize it when its coming. So at least the kids arent seeing Dad whimpering on the floor like a kicked dog.
Seeing the Doctor here in a few hours and let him know about this and see if he can put me on something for a few weeks to take the spikes out of my day.
Thank You All and see ya next update.
Hi Wired,
I just read your update and wanted to say hi and hang in there; thanks too for the great reply to my post. Good luck today. I've got one thing I wanted to share with you, if that's ok?
Please don't feel bad for crying; it's actually a good thing, even though it probably hurts (heart and pride) while you're doing it. This is going to sound really, really corny, so be prepared... When I was still in school I'd get really knotted up when I wrote exams. Broke down and sobbed in one, right in front of about 150 other students. Humiliating. When I told my dad, this is what he offered me: People have to cry every now and again. When we do, it helps to wash away all the bad stuff in life from our vision. Then when we open our eyes again we can see life, and ourselves, more clearly; maybe even see more of the good things inside, and the good things in life still to come. Sorry again for the corny-ness; I warned you!
But it's true. It's really true.
Take care of yourself today. Will keep an eye out for your next update. PS hit him upside the head with a frying pan...hahahaha! Still cracks me up.
Update:
- Coming home to a tomb is breaking me up slowly inside. The wife and kids come down, grab a plate for dinner then go back upstairs. Have never felt this alone before in my entire life.
I find myself coming to this site more and more often as it brings me some comfort to be with others who understand. You notice how your real life "friends" seem to drift away when you are at your worse?
-Need to focus more on GAL or I feel that I will loose hope. Soon as money situation eases up a bit need to find something to do.
-Found out will be in Texas next month for 8-9 weeks straight. This I feel will either be the end or the begining. Time will tell I guess.
-Went to DR yesterday and he upped my medication as he wasnt seeing the results he wanted. I asked him to just write my a prescription for a big fat doobie so I could zone out and eat some twinkies. He was glad to see I still had a sense of humor.(He wouldnt write the script tho!!!:) )
-Still no mention from her of S or R. No mention of anything as a matter of fact.
So sorry to hear how lonely you've felt - my heart really goes out to you; that's really rough. I'm learning this week too, about how important GAL is. 12bar said too, that at the beginning he hadn't made it a priority and it made the process tougher. Hope you find something that interests you soon, and be sure to post about it - I'm interested to hear what you pick. Thanks again for the frying pan today. I needed that. Save a twinkie for me.
(((Wired)))
Not many words for you, just mainly silent support.
How can you find ways to enjoy coming home? I understand that everyone may be isolating themselves to their respective spaces but what can you do differently for you? Play some of your favorite music when you get home? Try going into a "zone" of the house that you don't usually venture into these days? Would the kids eat with you sometimes or go out to dinner?
Can you get to a gym or get some exercise before you come home? That will really get your PMA up.
Hi Wired, Just read your thread & offering my support. You have come a long way in a very short time. I'm sorry you are feeling lonely in your house. I've been there but don't have kids. What Kara said is a good idea, is there a way you can have dinner with the kids, or make plans for ice cream or a movie after dinner?
ADs can make a huge difference. Keep on with your goals, GAL & PMA. Hang in there, we are all pulling for you.
Hi Wired
Just stopped by to offer my support also. I know the lonely feeling too. Stay strong!
Just offering support, too. What can you do different when you come home? Put music on? What simple thing can change the energy?
Good for following up with Doc on meds. They can really help.
Focus on what makes you feel better.
Peace.
It seems right now that there is a wall around my my heart. I try to express my love for my children but cant find the words to say. I hear them laughing with their mother and it just breaks me to pieces.
Something inside is keeping me bottled up and I just have not come to the point where I can let them know/show them my love for them.
I think it is partially a self defense mechanism to try and keep out the pain. Like the song says I need to "Tear down the wall"
(((Wired)))
I'm so sorry to hear what you're saying Wired. It is hard to be vulnerable, and express your feelings. Keep trying. The fact that you're aware you want to is a really good start! Don't minimize the importance of that!
Just take baby steps. Perhaps you're expecting too big of a 'leap' out of yourself. You don't have to make any big grand gesture, just find something little to do that you feel is manageable. It might feel pretty awkward at first but don't let that stop you! It actually means more to the person receiving it, when they know you're doing it even though it's difficult for you.
Could you write your kids little notes and stick them in their coat pocket? It doesn't have to say anything fancy... even just 'hey, I love you a lot'. I bet that would mean a lot to them and maybe open a door between you.
Yesterday was a rough one. My wifes birthday and the card I mentioned before. I walk into the tomb (house) and its laying on the kitchen table like it ment nothing to her. I was totally exhausted from a 14 hour shift so I laid down to take a nap.
When I woke up went to the fridge to get a drink and noticed they had ordered chinese without asking if I wanted anything.
So in my demented mood Im thinking OK she doesnt want me to be a part of her birthday.
Well a bit later her and the kids came downstairs and she asks if I want some cake, so we do the normal lighting of the candles and sing HB and dig into the cake, during which she says thank you for the card and the iTunes certificate I put in there.
Then everyone disappears back upstairs. This hit me really hard, I miss this woman so badly and I would give everything to just hold her like I used to. But I cannot at this time seem to break from this shell that is keeping me locked up inside myself.
But I do see a glimmer of hope and I am holding on to it. I have been doing my 180's and starting to GAL with some old hobbies and have not lost my temper in weeks. And the thank you I got was the first kind words she had said in over 2 weeks. She has also not brought up the subject of D or S or even contacted her lawyer in over a month. So either she sees hope or she is just planning on dropping a bomb on me. The uncertainty of it all is the worst part I think. Should I approach her about it or let a sleeping dog sleep?
@Prairie
Thank you for the kind words, and as far as the suggestion, the day I can break through this shell I will try little things like that. When this first all started happening I had a long talk with my two youngest and let them know how much I love them, but my oldest daughter I have not been able to approach as she is so much like her mother and has closed down to me.(So it seems)
But I keep trying.
But I cannot at this time seem to break from this shell that is keeping me locked up inside myself.
You've talked about that shell a number of times, Wired, and I think you mentioned it might be a self-defense mechanism again pain. Pardon me if I'm being too personal, but has that shell always been there? If not, when do you think it started? What kinds of pain are you trying to protect yourself from, and is it working? (If those questions are dumb, please just ignore me!) Shells are a pain in the keester aren't they. In one way, they protect you from pain; in another, they cause it.
PS Has anyone told you how well you write!? Your posts in my thread always choke me up. I hope you're keeping a journal. You seem to share your thoughts and feelings so well in writing. If you can't share them with others, at least writing them out may help you find a release. (I'm sorry I don't mean to be pushy with suggestions... there's just this quality to your writing that I'm always so struck by.) I hope it's helping you process all those emotions and that you continue.
Oh one more question!! You said that when this first started, you had a long talk with your two youngest to let them know how much you loved them... how did that turn out? How did they respond?
Good job spending time with the kids. I see they're older... but they still need their daddy. Think of it from their POV - they may also be afraid to trust and hope in you, but you'll always be their dad. That can't change. Keep trying, put them first, let them know in little ways - sometimes words don't matter when the actions have been lacking for so long.
Bonus is that you'll be healing your relationships with them, they'll be happier, and W will see your efforts... you did say that she makes them her whole world, so hey, making them yours doesn't have any downsides. Just remember to keep working on you. Glad to see you a bit more up, although the roller coaster will continue for some time. When you're dark and down, just remember that the up will be coming soon.
@ Prairie
This forum is somewhat of my journal. I tried one at home for awhile and found myself beating myself up to the point I trashed the whole thing. Of course that was in the first week of my stitch so I should try it again.
As far as the "shell" Let me fill you in on a little background.When I was younger I was fairly chuncky little kid, not good in sports/gym class and always missed out on all the reindeer games. Well as I grew older I slimmed down a bit but fell into the wrong crowd of kids, they called us stoners back then. Of course they excepted me because I always seemed to have the best stuff. After awhile I began to see through this charade and another layer got added to my wall.
The clincher came in around when I was 18 years old and "thought" I had found my true love. (First real love) well needless to say I found out she slept with my best friend so I went to pick her up from work. When I got there she was outside crying and visibly upset, thats when she laid it on me that she had been raped walking to her car to get her change of clothes.
My whole world fell apart, I took her to her parents house and the look on her dads face at me like "This is all your fault".
So I did something very stupid, went home grabbed one of my pistols and went to the place that she had said she had seen him earlier. Unfortunately(fortunately?) the police had arrived first and where cornering the guy as I was walking up to him pulling my pistol out of my gym bag. One of the officers seen me so I get to ride down to the station right next to the guy that had just raped the love of my life. Well he gets off scot free and
wooops hit submit button to early this is continued from above
I have to do 90 days for carrying a concealed weapon(they lessoned the charge due to the circumstances.)
And of course the story doesnt have a happy ending, she dumps me and my life spirals downwards.
I became a true man whore, hanging out in bars, doing as much drugs as I could lay my hands on and in and out of some really bad relationships and sleeping with any drunk girl I could find when the lights came up at last call.
Until I met my wife. Something in here was different, hell I even refused to have sex with her for the first few months of us dating as I didnt want it to be "just another lay.
So I started cleaning my act up, quit the drugs and alcohol for the most part, not enough tho as I look back. And I chased this woman. Only problem is she was busy chasing the kids. So we went around in circles. I think this is why I never truly got rid of this shell as I never recieved the love from her that I needed at the time. And over the years I think I forgot how to love and just did what any other working dad would do, go to work, bring home money, and pretend all was fine.
So here I am now. Trying to make up for 18 years of not being the true loving dad I should have been. But even to this day I still have the images of the past haunting me that I need to get rid of.
As far as the talk with the children,that went better then could be hoped for. Im not sure what their mother is feeding them during the day, but I truly believe at least 2 of them know I love them and I am trying to get better.
So continues the saga. I think my stitch has gotten up to 100 posts, maybe time to start a new one.
Quick question due to something popping up on my phone bill.
Can anyone recomend a reverse lookup service that works with cell phones and isnt a scam?
My entire stitch may be getting ready to change.
I am so glad I have found a forum who can understand what space I am in.I am 8 months post bomb drop and have been in NC for 6 months except for 2 texts.In summary here is my story:
Been married for 22 years and together for 28.2D 19/14.Probably lucky that I know what is causing my husbands crisis.Think he has been in crisis for about 3 years, starting with anger 07/08.I was diagnosed with depression 08 so was unable to be the emotional crutch my hubby was used to.Internet Affair Jun08. Apr09 suspected an A only to be told no way.In July 09 found txt's on husbands phone and he confessed to EA and PA.I threw him out and he went straight to OW.He is still there today.He said on the night of discovery that he didnt know if he loved her but was not in love sHE GAVE HIM CONFIDENCE!! BRAVO !!He said he had no plan to leave us and we had had 28 great years but I would never trust him again. She hasnt worked day in her life, has 2 troublesome kids and is ugly to boot.I found out shortly after I put my husband out that he had dumped OW week previously cos he wanted to be with me and kids.(This made sense to the txts I had seen..they were not intimate but childish).In April he had the opportunity to confess but was clearly cake eating.She actively pursued him I believe firstly befriending my father,finding out all she could(even came to where we lived to see house),then accusing my father of making sexual comments.I should point out my husband works in a gym.She was a customer who was in there every day 9-3pm.Didnt work out and had numerous affairs all with commited people. She also dated my husbands colleague whilst having an affair with him!My hubby used to tell me how nasty she was and sad she had no life.Her husband was a cheater.When my husband move to a new gym she started to give one of his team alift to work so she could have an excuse to see him.When his colleague asked what she was doing hanging aroun he said he couldnt gt rid of her!Not sure he tried hard.Our 2 D'S have refused to see or speak to him.Xmas and b'day cards have been sent back to him.You would have put a lottery win on my hubby not being a cheat had you known him.He is completely different man.When he left I told him I would not be messing with his head the way she had.He has started to rewrite history and has also gone NC with his friends and family(has only seen his dad fo half an hour this year).The two txts I mentioned covered arrangements to get Xmas cards to girls(he always wants to drop cards in..what happened to post service?) and a txt three weeks ago asking for a divorce and in return he would sign all matrimonal assets to me.He dropped our D'S birthday card at his dads and said could not face seeing us when his dad pushed him to bring card himself. Until this point he maintained he did not want to divorce.There has been nc since. He has lost weight,gone much greyer and out running alot(he did this before but not to the point it helped him lose weight.His friends and colleagus says he does not look happy.He even walked past his D14 in the street when he was with her and claimed not to have seen her.I have fully grasped there is nothing I can do and have to leave him to his journey.My family are covinced he will return but I think he is far too weak and too much of a coward.He is clearly deep in replay but not sure about anything else.In terms of the divorce I have decided he is the one who shall end the marriage and not me. I am concerned that the nc policy is making it easier for him ie out of sight out of mind. Any views.Thanks for listening
JaCT,
Im sorry to see you here but glad you came seeking help. Many pros here with great advice. But you may want to put this into your own stitch as it helps keep track of what is going on with your life.
My thoughts differ from many here as far as affairs go, I say dump the bum, hire a lawyer and take him for every penny you can.
And I would say this to either man or woman. Once the sex act comes into the picture then it is over in my book. But that is just me.
Have your read DR/DB yet? If not you need to. I would also recomend seeing your doctor and a therapist if possible. At least your doctor cause they can give you some really nice meds that help you remain calm and keep your thoughts collected.
They wont write a prescription for a couple of joints and some twinkies, I tried that.
I hope you find what you are looking for here.
-Mike
Thanks Mike really appreciate it.
J
Hi Wired,
Just checking in to see how you're doing. Hope you had an ok weekend.
Hiya Prairie,
I went to a friends birthday party this weekend, seen a bunch of couples that we have known for 20 years or more. I will admit that it was tough knowing the struggles that everyone of them had been through but still remained together. Had a good time though and laughed harder then I have in months. Just wish my wife would have been with me. I felt like the 3rd wheel.
I think the lonliness at the house is starting to get to me even more, I need to talk to my doctor as it is getting harder to find a reason to get out of bed in the mornings.(Not suicidal thoughts, just lack of hope.)
Wife still has not mentioned a single thing about her plans. I think/feel right now I am just a breathing ATM machine for her until she can get her plans figured out and get through some medical issues she is dealing with. Then I imagine she will drop the bomb. Oh well at least at that time I will have a focus point to work on. But for now Im just trying to be me
Wired!!! That's wonderful that you went out to have some fun with your friends. It must be difficult, indeed, seeing other couples together while you're hurting. But don't minimize what a great thing you did for yourself! You reached out to other folks and were able to laugh and enjoy yourself, even though you were still hurting inside - way to go!! I think it's taking those risks - getting through moments like that and realizing that people care about you and you can still have fun times with them - that will help you break through that nasty shell. Keep it up!
Hang in there - I know you're still lonely, and I'm sorry to hear it. Yes, do go talk to your doctor again - they're there to help you when times are tough. Are you still seeing a therapist? Be sure to make regular appointments if you can - I always leave too much time before my next appointment and then when I realize it, they're all booked up. Way to go, Wired. I know it's still tough, but be sure to take a moment and pat yourself on the back for going out this weekend - that must have taken a lot of courage, and you should be proud of yourself!
-Stuck in Time
Ok so its been a little over 3 months now since my wife dropped the bomb on me that she wanted out. Of course I went through all the typical crying, begging, pleading stage and then started the DB book "plan" You can read through my stitch to see some of the ups and downs since.
Now for the last 2-3 weeks.
-Under the care of a doctor he has my on AD(upped dosage on last visit) and some other script for anxiety that has a name that I wont even try to spell.
- 3 visits to my therapist. Who I know is trying her best, but alot of the stuff she seems to be saying seems so "canned" if that makes sense. After my next couple visits I may have to re-evaluate and maybe seek another. (Small town, not much to choose from)
- I still come home to a tomb, I have tried reaching out to my kids but they seem blaise (sp?) to me, like they could care less if I where there or not. When I get home, everyone is upstairs, they come down for a bite to eat and then back upstairs. I have to go to bed around 10 and leave for work around 5am, so its like I never see them.
- Wife tried to get a job but at last doctor appt. she found out she was anemic and needs to have some form of operation, I gave her a hug when she was telling this story(about 2 weeks ago) and this is the last time we have spoken more then 3 words. So needless to say she is not working again which may have put a kink in her leaving plans?
So now it seems like I am stuck in time. Im just wondering is this where I need to step back and see what I am doing is working and change courses? Do I just go ahead and assume she is leaving and put the house on the market to prepare for the papers to be served some day?
Do I just let it ride and see what happens?
Ive been taking over alot more of the house hold responsibilities, have shown no anger in any shape or form towards her or the kids, have let her intiate conversations, I do sleep a bit more as the meds make me tired. And have paid all of her doctor bills that my insurance didnt fully cover without saying a word.
Help me out here please as I can feel the same anxiety/depression starting to creep back in just like it was day one despite the medication.
On the flipside, are my expectations to high and I need to learn a little bit of patience?
Thank You
Mike
Heya Mike,
Sorry to hear you're having a struggle figuring out what step to take next. That must be very frustrating. Hang in there friend; be sure to keep reaching out to the kids. It must be tough to keep trying with them when they don't seem very responsive - I see their in their late teens/young adults... I'm guessing kids that age naturally are that way? (Sorry, dogs no kids around here!). But, on the flip side, what do you have to lose by continuing to try with them?
If I flip the sitch around, and remember when I was growing more and more distant with my H, during the times he'd give up and try even less, the distance got even worse. Yes, I likely ignored him and slighted him when he did try the odd time, but I think somehow, somewhere the fact that he WAS trying was registering somewhere in my subconscious. Even when it was awkward and didn't turn out quite right. And the fact that I could see him trying sometimes, helped me get my but into therapy to try and rescue the R.
So don't give up on them! They may ACT like they don't care, but I just don't believe they really FEEL that. Honest Mike, in their hearts they need your love and guidance. You sound like a genuine guy; don't give up on them - as they grow into adults they'll learn a lot from your perseverance in striving to reach through that shell around you and build a connection with them. So don't give up!! I really believe they love you and want a R with you; they just don't quite know how to get there yet. Keep trying!
(PS - And 'Hoppy Easter' to you!)
Okay bad silly pun. But I had to amuse myself a little... working today! Take care.
Do I just go ahead and assume she is leaving and put the house on the market to prepare for the papers to be served some day?
Don't assume anything. Do what you want to do for yourself. Do you want to sell? If not, then don't.
The kids are more affected than they will let on. You know how they are. They have to figure out a way to deal with it. I think the more you can show that you are interested in their personal lives, the more they will respond to you. If you can't get them to say anything, then they may be dealing with depression themselves, or it could be their way of tuning it out. Wish you had a good family therapist.
Hi Wired, Just wanted to check in to see how you're doing, and wish you a happy easter. Sandi2 has very good advice above.
Well its been awhile since I have posted,wish I could be bringing signs of hope to anyone who has been following this thread, but unfortunately I cannot.
Was away on a business trip for 6 weeks that gave me way to much alone time. So I re-read DR and spent alot of time walking around downtown San Antonio just to think.
For the most part that was good, but when the sun would go down and I would be in my room the depression of being alone would sink in and I would slip back into the "woe is me" phase. But I did come to more of an re-affirmation of my goals in life and how I am not a lousy person and this period in my life will make me a better person regardless the outcome. (Have proof positive of this on the bathroom scale, I have lost 20lbs and Im short of my goal by only 8 more!)
Now comes the bad news. While I was away I emailed the wife telling her my feelings about us and how I would like to work things out for us to continue on into our golden years together...I know, I know big mistake.
Well fast forward to me walking in the door after being gone for 6 weeks. The wife looks at me and asks how was my flight and even before I can finish speaking she walks away into the other room. Neither of my daughters even bothered to come downstairs to say hello. Thank god when my son got in from work he gave me a hug and said welcome back. I dont think I could have handled the complete ummmmm I dont know what. But Im thankful he did.
The next day I asked my wife to take a drive with me so we could talk. During this talk she informs me nothing has changed in her decisions. She will be calling her lawyer in the morning. She did say she has noticed the changes I have been making and is grateful for them. But I dont know what to believe from her anymore.
I look at it this way, at least we are not in limbo anymore and if we do divorce at least we have a direction. Will continue with my "strategy" of taking care of myself and becoming a better person. Just maybe one day she will see this and we can start over again.
I just had to post this as it brought a smile and a little bit of joy to me last night.
Im an avid World of Warcraft player. So Im online last night just kind of hanging out and a another (female) friend that I know casually welcomes me back from my trip and says she missed us raiding together, (if you play Warcraft you know what I mean), well I say thank you and ask how things are going on her end and before I know it she is hitting on me in a big way. Not just little hints but straight out you should get on a plane this weekend...
OMG you talk about a moral booster when you are doubting your self worth and in the middle of everything else.
A very attractive person, 10 years younger and very succesful in life (she has something to do with the Olympics) hitting on a older man who feels like he has nothing to offer anyone.
No Im not getting on a plane and have no plans to pursue this (yet
) Just wanted to share this little ray of sunshine I had.
I have a little spring in my step today and a smile on my face.
But I did come to more of an re-affirmation of my goals in life and how I am not a lousy person and this period in my life will make me a better person regardless the outcome. (Have proof positive of this on the bathroom scale, I have lost 20lbs and Im short of my goal by only 8 more!)
Good morning Wired! It's wonderful to hear you've realized you're
not a lousy person at all! You're a kind decent person who's made a difference in a lot of lives - mine included! Do you remember back when I first started posting and you commented about 'the frying pan'? Well I can't tell you how many times I'd be dragging myself through another one-sided 'discussion' with my H, or angry at him for something-or-other, and out of nowhere I'd remember you saying that and well - I'd have to turn my head or cover my mouth to keep from laughing right out loud! Just about spit some cereal out once, if memory serves.
Anyways, I'm sorry your W hasn't changed her mind yet, but just wanted to share that thought with you. Glad to hear you're smiling and have a spring in your step today.
Hiya Prairie,
Was just sitting here thinking about something I should have added to the post I made in your stitch.
I have come to the point where I accept what is in front of me and I am going to make it through this regardless of the outcome.
Goals have been set, boundaries drawn and I do not look at the past anymore.
Im over the resentment, the self pity, the... well I was going to say pain but that one still creeps in from time to time. But I am continuing forward with the knowledge that I have done everything humanly possible and will continue to do so to try to save my marriage.
I have come to the point where I accept what is in front of me and I am going to make it through this regardless of the outcome.
It's so good to hear you speaking positively Wired. Big hugs to you for all the work and self-reflection you've done, to get you to this place. Well done! (((Wired))) Yay!