got DB and DR on tues, now here i am... - 01/15/10 10:22 PM
Hey, all! God, I wish I knew about these books 7 months ago. Not sure where to start...
I'm 33, W is 32, w/ 3yo son. We've been together since 1/96 and married 5/01. To me, things seemed great for a very long time. Having our son in 1/07 added some burden to our relationship, but I thought we worked well together, other than what I thought was a normal decrease in sex and normal decrease in "dating."
We have had some real stresses on our relationship over the years, and I'm sure now that I had mistaken their severity. Before I proposed to her, I had a minor, one time infidelity (no intercourse). I came clean to her after the engagement, and though we were on shaky ground for months, I thought things were resolved by the time we were married. I also struggled with an internet/porn addiction most of our time together.
Stupidly, I spent too many years saying that she needed to take care of her hang-ups, that it was OK because I was committed to her body and soul in the real world. She had been sexually assaulted in the 8th grade, which makes the stance I took especially callous. At one point she said she had come to terms with my porn problem. Of course, I took this as her saying, "I'm OK with it," which was completely wrong. From that point on it was never discussed, just like my brief encounter in 1999 was never discussed.
Things started to get pretty bad in the last half of 2008. By that point she already had her Ph.D, and was working as a contractor for the fed gvmt. I was a college dropout, and had been doing the same $16/hr blue collar job for 4 yrs at that point. We always talked about me making a big change when she finally got real work, and it seemed like we were on the cusp of making that happen. But I didn't know what to do and had no clear direction planned. Also, by that point, the usual arguments over money, housework, and communication seemed to be a real barrier between us.
I went with her on her annual week long conferrence in Aug., to which I had accompanied her for many years. When we returned, I felt hopeless and disconnected, but I couldn't pin the feeling on any single cause. The only thing I could figure is that I felt like a failure because my wife was so much more successful. That Dec. I was let go from my job.
2009 started off bad and got worse, as I remained unemployed most of the year. We left our rented house in early Jan. because of unhealthy conditions, and lived in an extended stay motel until March, when a new lease on a much pricier city apartment started. The two moves were yet another stressor. By April I was deeply depressed, discouraged and despondent. She asked me to see a counselor, and suggested marriage counseling. I agreed, but said I wanted to do some individual counseling before starting marriage counseling, because I believed my personal problems would be the biggest obstacle.
Finally, later in May I got in with a therapist. I had a few sessions, started antidepressants, and felt ready for action when she told me she wanted a separation in mid June.
The news devastated me, and the timing felt inappropriate. She insisted there was nothing to be accomplished in marriage counseling at that point, even though I had already made good progress and had stated that I was ready to work and make changes. We lived in great tension until mid July, when she said ILYBINILWY. With my suitcase already packed, in case I found a roomate, I left in a desperate rage that night. I never wanted to leave...
Since June I've made every possible mistake to push her away - things worse than outlined in DB or DR. In late Sept. she told me she was falling for her former Ph.D advisor. Naively I thought, "that guy's married, and seems like a good guy. She'll be disappointed." Then on Halloween she told me it was, in fact, a mutual feeling. He had moved out, and was living in a hotel. I have no doubt the emotional involvement predated the separation news, or else I think she would have considered therapy.
Adding insult to injury, after our last bombastic argument in mid Nov., I instituted a mean spirited, instinctual version of the LRT. I pulled away, but acted sullen, contemptuous, righteous, etc., whenever we met.
So, here I am, finally understanding everything I've done wrong. I still want our family to reunite, but so much damage has been done. After reading through the first 6 chapters of DR and much of DB, I feel some hope - more than I've felt in months, but I can't help to worry that our marriage is FUBAR'ed.
Right now I'm trying to put forth the most positive, congenial face and voice I can muster, and keep an eye out for any openings for a connection, no matter how small. Thanks for reading my epic, and please wish me luck.
I'm 33, W is 32, w/ 3yo son. We've been together since 1/96 and married 5/01. To me, things seemed great for a very long time. Having our son in 1/07 added some burden to our relationship, but I thought we worked well together, other than what I thought was a normal decrease in sex and normal decrease in "dating."
We have had some real stresses on our relationship over the years, and I'm sure now that I had mistaken their severity. Before I proposed to her, I had a minor, one time infidelity (no intercourse). I came clean to her after the engagement, and though we were on shaky ground for months, I thought things were resolved by the time we were married. I also struggled with an internet/porn addiction most of our time together.
Stupidly, I spent too many years saying that she needed to take care of her hang-ups, that it was OK because I was committed to her body and soul in the real world. She had been sexually assaulted in the 8th grade, which makes the stance I took especially callous. At one point she said she had come to terms with my porn problem. Of course, I took this as her saying, "I'm OK with it," which was completely wrong. From that point on it was never discussed, just like my brief encounter in 1999 was never discussed.
Things started to get pretty bad in the last half of 2008. By that point she already had her Ph.D, and was working as a contractor for the fed gvmt. I was a college dropout, and had been doing the same $16/hr blue collar job for 4 yrs at that point. We always talked about me making a big change when she finally got real work, and it seemed like we were on the cusp of making that happen. But I didn't know what to do and had no clear direction planned. Also, by that point, the usual arguments over money, housework, and communication seemed to be a real barrier between us.
I went with her on her annual week long conferrence in Aug., to which I had accompanied her for many years. When we returned, I felt hopeless and disconnected, but I couldn't pin the feeling on any single cause. The only thing I could figure is that I felt like a failure because my wife was so much more successful. That Dec. I was let go from my job.
2009 started off bad and got worse, as I remained unemployed most of the year. We left our rented house in early Jan. because of unhealthy conditions, and lived in an extended stay motel until March, when a new lease on a much pricier city apartment started. The two moves were yet another stressor. By April I was deeply depressed, discouraged and despondent. She asked me to see a counselor, and suggested marriage counseling. I agreed, but said I wanted to do some individual counseling before starting marriage counseling, because I believed my personal problems would be the biggest obstacle.
Finally, later in May I got in with a therapist. I had a few sessions, started antidepressants, and felt ready for action when she told me she wanted a separation in mid June.
The news devastated me, and the timing felt inappropriate. She insisted there was nothing to be accomplished in marriage counseling at that point, even though I had already made good progress and had stated that I was ready to work and make changes. We lived in great tension until mid July, when she said ILYBINILWY. With my suitcase already packed, in case I found a roomate, I left in a desperate rage that night. I never wanted to leave...
Since June I've made every possible mistake to push her away - things worse than outlined in DB or DR. In late Sept. she told me she was falling for her former Ph.D advisor. Naively I thought, "that guy's married, and seems like a good guy. She'll be disappointed." Then on Halloween she told me it was, in fact, a mutual feeling. He had moved out, and was living in a hotel. I have no doubt the emotional involvement predated the separation news, or else I think she would have considered therapy.
Adding insult to injury, after our last bombastic argument in mid Nov., I instituted a mean spirited, instinctual version of the LRT. I pulled away, but acted sullen, contemptuous, righteous, etc., whenever we met.
So, here I am, finally understanding everything I've done wrong. I still want our family to reunite, but so much damage has been done. After reading through the first 6 chapters of DR and much of DB, I feel some hope - more than I've felt in months, but I can't help to worry that our marriage is FUBAR'ed.
Right now I'm trying to put forth the most positive, congenial face and voice I can muster, and keep an eye out for any openings for a connection, no matter how small. Thanks for reading my epic, and please wish me luck.