Hi Friends,
My old thread is buried and I feel it is best to start this new year off with a fresh thread!
I am 34 and have been legally separated since Nov. 17th, 2009. My H and I were married for 10 years. He dropped the bomb on March 2, 2008, moved out in April of 2008 under totally false pretenses, loads of BS happened that I don't care to rehash unless it would help somebody reading this and a nearly two year legal battle happened. My H had an affair. I guess "had" is the wrong verbiage as he is still with his affair almost two years later.
Ugh, my screen started jumping all over the place!
Continuation from above:
I have no contact with my H (my choice) unless it is about our Agreement.
I am going back to school next week to study law. YIKES! Who knew?! I am so excited and can't wait! I think I might have found my calling as I find the entire scope of law fascinating, especially in my state! I have not been in school since 1997, the year I graduated from college, but I think things will go just fine (I hope, lol!).
Every single poster here inspires me or teaches me something each day. The human spirit is amazing and resilient and if you EVER question that take some time reading the threads here. Thank you for sharing all you do and thank you for having me!
I am okay. I am happy. Once in a great while I will have a *very* brief moment where I think of or miss my H but I must admit those are very few and far between. He has not changed a bit and when I do have to deal with him I quickly remember why life is so much better without him!
So, an update on my situation....
My H is lagging his feet executing his part of the Agreement and we are approaching the two month mark so he has had ample time. If he has time to go to hockey games and party then he has a few hours to address what needs to be addressed.
Today he sent me a very odd message that said he now understands what I mean about solutions and open communication and he just knows if we do that things will be okay. He found out I was going back to school and he did wish me well and tell me he always thought I would be an excellent attny but his whole message had a very "sad vibe". He asked about my dog and complained ad nauseum about work (same old, same old).
My H is the BS master so I put zero stock in what he says and unless he dropped his GF and went to C'ing I would not even consider looking his way. The night before our separation became final he weeped to me that he will never let me down again, he will do WHATEVER he has to do to earn my trust and respect back and blah, blah, blah. Never heard from him after that unless he needed paperwork. He did text me on T-day and I never responded. He waited three weeks then reamed me on e-mail for hurting his feelings on T-day and he guesses he better get used to me treating him this way.
To this day he says the affair is not his fault! LOL! I think his GF is nuts because he is not "allowed" to talk to me and he is not allowed to mention me in her presence.
I messaged him back and told him I was unsure what he was talking about but the only communication necessary at this point was the final aspects of our Agreement.
Anyhow, enough about him!
We are strong, we will prevail and have amazing lives!
xoxox,
Citygirl
CG -
So glad you've started a new thread. I wanted to post to you that I'd love to be your Goal Buddy, but I was hesitant to post on Kev's thread, as I'm not going there.
Great to read how everything is moving along so happily for you. It's inspirational to read about people so devastated to lose a spouse, only to find out later that it's the best thing that ever happened to them. I know that's how I feel.
Haven't been posting much, BIL's death in November has hit everyone here hard, but I do follow along.
Anyway, love the New Year, New Thread and New You!! I'm also in school, not for law, but I know you'll love it.
Take care - I love you how love your life. You remind me of me -- if you were 45 w/4 kids!!
You go, CG!
You are an amazingingly strong woman and I wish you the very best in your legal studies. Your H has lost a very good woman from what I can see.
You deserve every good thing that is coming your way.
Oh, I am so sorry about your BIL. I always think about you! Wishes of peace and comfort to you and your family. I am just so sorry for all of you.
I would love to be your goal buddy! And YEAH for being back in school!
Thanks for stopping by!
P.S - "they" (whoever they is) say 45 is the new 35
I saw on Pearl Harbor's thread that she just bought blue suede shoes.
I bought purple suede Louboutin sling backs - great sale price. Love them!!
Thanks, Kara! You are strong too and you like purses and shoes so I bet we have lots in common
Less than a year ago my Lupus fell out of remission and I was so ill it was not even funny. I also suffered from severe anxiety that manifested to a panic disorder due to stress. My point? I MADE IT on my own. It was not easy. Each day I REQUIRE myself to find one new and positive thing to think about. I have lots to work on but I am on my way!
Except I forgot - I'm 46!! Need to change that!
Louboutin's.... oh hell ya! A good pair of Louboutin's (is there a bad pair I wonder?) can fix just about whatever ails ya!
I agree - and since I'm only 5'2", they boost me up to almost 5'7". Love it!! I can even run in them, which comes in handy when teaching special needs three and four year olds!
Sometime we can delve into handbags, another deadly addiction of mine.
...
Thanks for stopping by!
P.S - "they" (whoever they is) say 45 is the new 35
It's true!
The 30s are the new 20s,
The 40s are the new 30s,
The 50s are the new 40s!!!
With everyone working out, eating better, taking better care of themselves, people are just looking much younger, I believe it - heck I've been "29" for quite a few years already ;-)
Then maybe I should say I am TWENTY FOUR and not thirty four!
WOO HOO!
My younger sister is always mistaken for as being the older sister. I do NOT correct anybody
My mom will be 62 on Tuesday and she can easily pass for being in her 40's - she is a hottie!
Wow!! That means there is a good chance of you being a hottie in your sixties as well. Way to go, Mom. Age is just a number, so I don't care that everyone knows I am 30 (+ ?)
CG,
good luck with your goals for 2010!! Sounds like an exciting and eventful year for you. Wishing you all the best as you have been a great inspiration and given yourself so much here. Thanks for sharing your wisdom, pains and joys on the many threads you contrinute to.
ppenton
Thanks ppenton!
How are your baking adventures going? I love to cook but am a terrible baker!
Still baking a ton and trying new dishes which neighbors and family seem to enjoy. I bake every other week to bring goodies to the support group I attend. They all look forward to the treats and I'm happy to provide them.
We are now gearing up to look at colleges for S16 and getting S13 ready for high school. Time seems to blaze by when you have kids and they reach different milestones in their lives
CG,
I like your new thread. I look forward to following it and seeing how you progress.
Kevin
In case you haven't noticed I *have* progressed by taking ACTION!
In case you haven't noticed I *have* progressed by taking ACTION!
I have noticed.
Kevin
You don't agree with me going back to school? Why is that?
I am not asking you to agree with how I handled my cheating husband. This thread is not about my husband and I. This thread is about me and my future.
If you are going to make an extremely smart ass remark like that be prepared to back it up. So what do you NOT agree with as far as how I am handling MY future as a single woman? Care to share your wisdom with me?
Please don't litter my thread with your smart ass answers. Don't act all "big shot" and make a rude comment then take it off and say "pointless".
At least I attempted to back up my points with you. Don't come on my thread and be an ass hole. I mean it.
If you notice, I chose to go back and edit it out as a pointless statement. But originally when I put it in, I was trying to be funny based off what you posted on my thread. It was meant as a joke. But then I didn't know how it would be taken, so I chose to edit it back out.
Kevin
I did notice and it was pointless. Look, I wished you well because I feel like any contribution I try and offer you falls on deaf ears.
We could keep going round and round but as you say, it's pointless.
I don't think you are funny at all. What you wrote was very rude.
I'm sorry, I didn't intend for it to be rude. I was really just trying to be funny based off what you had said to me on mine. It seriously was meant as just a joke. But I questioned how it might be taken after I wrote it which is why I edited it back out.
I think you are doing well in achieving your goals. You are very hardcore and I think that is to your benefit in having success in life.
Kevin
No, he's going to edit his remark and run away.
No, he's going to edit his remark and run away.
Not running away. I tried to edit it right after I posted it and didn't realize CG had already read it, so I explained the situation.
Kevin
I didn't see the comment.
I just saw your reason for editing it, and you have a knack for avoiding confrontation when you know you're in the wrong as "pointless".
I said what I said on your thread as I feel I put lots of effort into your situation and nothing changes. I think you are making a huge mistake but what I think doesn't matter as it is your life. It's not about being "hardcore", it's about acceptance.
You are correct, professionally I have had a lot of success in my life. Monetarily I have had lots of success in my life, H and I both have, as we are both very hard workers when it comes to our careers. The success I will find now came from lots of internal work and the realization I deserve better than a cheating and lying husband.
My husband does not want to be with me now or ever. He has chosen a life without me just like your W has. The difference is I am not going to wait around and see what happens. Hardcore? I don't think so. It's what people do.
When I see something of substance you are doing to better yourself then we can joke around. While I see you were not trying to be mean about the tangible things I am doing to make the BEST life for ME it certainly was a very inappropriate comment to make seeing how far behind you are. Hey, I might crash and burn in school but at least I am trying *something*. If I fail then you can laugh all you want.
CG,
I applaud you moving forward with your life!!!!
I would never laugh at you for failing. I think it is great that you are taking your shot at school again for something you enjoy. I am all for it if it is what you want to do. And if you fail, which I don't think you will, but if you do, I will actually feel bad for you because I know it was a goal that you were taking seriously.
I give my full support on it and I am looking forward to seeing how it goes for you.
Kevin
Trust me, I won't fail. And don't ever feel bad for me. Any human can strive to attain a goal even if it is hard as hell. Will my business, school and managing my disease be tough? It will be *very* tough but I am done wondering *if* I can do and I am just going to do the best I can. Even if I *do* fail as in get all F's in every class then I won't consider it a failure as I tried *something* way outside my comfort zone.
I might be 40 when I finish law school but hell, either way time is going to pass and I am going to use it wisely.
I am done thinking and on to "doing".
CG -
I will be the first one to hire you! Not sure what for, but we'll find something!
Better see what type of grades I get first, mindfull! LOL!
Honestly, I don't care what anybody thinks anymore. This is what I want for me. Me and me only. I will make it work. I expect obstacles and very difficult times. I don't quit and I don't shy away from hard work!
CG -
I was a barely C student in college. I turned out brilliant! Who needs grades? Just show me the paper when you're done! LoL
Deal! I will take my retainer in cute shoes
Hi CityGirl. How long did it take you to actually decide to go back to school? I know I could go read your other threads... but I was just hoping you could summarize it all for me.
I think its a fantastic choice to make. I am looking forward to following your progress as you experience this beautiful new chapter in your life.
{{hugs}}
Cutter.
I never really had plans to go back to school per say. I graduated from college in 1997. When I got "in thick" with my legal battle I became utterly fascinated by the policy and procedure of it all in the area of family law. And then I had visions of being an attny and walking in the courtroom to handle a case against my H's attny, lol!
I was so emotionally invested in my case I wanted to be sure my desire was real and not something that was being driven by anything else other than a true desire.
Case over. Desire still there!
Thanks for the good wishes! I honestly have not been this excited about anything in a very, very long time.
PAGING 25.... PAGING 25.....
HI 25!
Thanks for your thoughts on Kevin's thread. I thought I would quickly respond on my thread and expand later. I have to be at school to take care of a few things in a bit.
I went to school yesterday to finalize everything and my advisor gave me much of the same advice you gave on Kevin's thread. The only difference being she thought it was a very smart move to complete the paralegal program.
I don't shy away from responsibility and having an "important" job certainly is not a deterrent for me as I have clients from all around the world that depend on me to assist them in creating the foundation of their business. I am of the school of thought no job is more "important" than another. A counter clerk at a fast food joint has responsibility just as a doctor would have. The responsibility might be different in scope but one isn't "better" than the other, just very different. I have a good friend that is an attny in another state (not in family law) and he asked me if I was nuts to even consider being a paralegal because the workload is so heavy. I actually found his comments rather offensive as he said paralegals are grunts and being an attny is much better.
My advisor did ask me why I chose this route as I certainly (in her opinion after a few very brief phone calls, reviewing my transcripts and meeting with her) would be a viable candidate to pursue law school. I was upfront with her as I will be with you. I do not like school and the idea of being in a classroom for another "long haul" is not a pleasant thought to me. I understand (obviously!) when one wants to pursue a certain career path education is necessary. It has nothing to do with the workload or the responsibility of school. I personally DO NOT enjoy sitting in a classroom. I did *very* well in college the first time around. Not because I am "extra smart" or special. I put myself through college and if I was paying for it then I required myself to do well. Not liking school is not an excuse to not do well. I wasn't miserable because I was broke or working my fingers to the bone waitressing to pay for school. That was fine. I actually LOVED what I was learning in school but I hate being "trapped" in a classroom.
I actually almost said screw it y'day when I was there taking care of some business. I had flashbacks of being locked in a cube for 8 hours a day when I worked my corp. job (locked in a cube, locked in a classroom.. UGH!).
I do think I will ditch my original plan to pursue another four year degree in legal studies after really talking to my advisor. At this time my goal is to finish the paralegal program. While it may not seem like a big deal to anybody else, three semesters vs. six semesters is a HUGE thing to me. I am very excited but I am also amazed I am going back to a classroom voluntarily!
Pending me getting as physically sick as I was last year I NEVER start something I do not plan to finish. Worse case scenario my health fails me, I would still finish even if I had to take one class a semester.
I understand family law is draining. I certainly understand that from a client point of view. I have thought long and hard if I actually could listen to the BS everyday as I know how much BS (and crying!) my attny had to listen to. The workload doesn't frighten me, the responsibility doesn't frighten me the ability to detach from the work does. There are a few other areas of law that do peak my interest and I know a paralegal has many options. Paralegals don't just work in law firms as you said and that is *very* appealing to me.
My sister went to nursing school, became a nurse and worked as a nurse for several years. A few years ago she went back to school and now is a med tech in a stat lab. She loves it. She loves her job. She is now itching to go back to school again. I think she would be a student for the rest of her life if she could. She LOVES being in a classroom and would take every science class she could at as many school as she could simply because she loves science and learning about it. To me, the idea of being in school is a chore let alone taking classes "just for fun"!
This is a huge leap for me. I have had total freedom of my schedule, what jobs I want to take or turn down and all the other perks of self employment. Returning to such a rigid structure is very frightening to me. When I say rigid structure I do not mean the workload, I mean the "be here at 8am" "sit here for 1.5 hours"... it's all so unpleasant to think about!
So I had to STOP thinking and start doing. The responsibility of any sort of job does not deter me at all. It's what I have to do to get there that is a major turn off to me. My attny contacted me a while ago about a legal assistant job he knew of and I really thought about taking it. While I don't have any legal experience as a "worker" (just as a very anal client!) I do have the general scope of skills to be a LA and could easily learn the particulars (as anybody could).
I am beyond excited about what I can do beyond school. I am excited to be doing something different and new that I do think I have a passion for. My biggest fear is completing (the day to day structure of SCHOOL) what I need in order to get there.
CG,
First, I'm sure you can complete whatever you put your mind to. Sounds like you are wading through what you want.
Second, there are lots of areas you can go into as a paralegal. I am a trial attorney and have worked with paralegals my entire career. If you can hack it, go through the paralegal training. Both jobs (LA and Para) are not easy, but you will be able to make more as a para. And your job responsibilities will be different, in a good way.
And as far as an area, you are far braver than I to go into family law. After my experience with D, I
know I could not do it. So, I will leave it alone.
If you have any questions, fire away or find me in the alt.
Good luck.
I am not wading anymore! I finalized my schedule and paid the bill. Got my fancy student ID and classes start on 01/19.
I am now a full time student taking five classes! I should have taken six but the sixth class I needed was filled up and the alternate time of the class did now work with the other five classes. I can take in in the summer. My classes are Legal Composition, American Gov 2, Intro to Paralegal Studies, Legal Research and Crimes & Criminal Practice (think I will like this one, lol!). My schedule is not *that* bad.. Mon. Wed. and Friday worked out to be 8am to 1pm and Tues. and Thurs. 9:30 - 12:15. Not so bad really. I will be able to work in the afternoons, study at night and do a combo of both on the weekends. AND I was NOT the most elderly student in the Legal Studies Dept although I do think the person ahead of me waiting to see the advisor was about 10, lol! The department is small and all the resources seem so accessible so I think it will be a good fit for me.
My divorce (separation actually) was very, very hard as ya'll know. We all know it is hard... the emotional side and the tremendous amount of work it takes to be "ok" or at least get on the road to okay. Obviously the financial side of divorce is terribly stressful as well as all the legal BS. When one is emotionally destroyed everything is just much worse. The smallest task, packing up a box or watching a boxed be packed by a WAS is gut wrenching. As horrible of an experience I had I would not have made it through without my attny or his staff. Everybody says "divorce attnys" or firms that handle divorce/family issues are a**holes. That simply was not the case with these people. They fought for me but nobody acted like it wasn't a "big deal" just because they deal with it all day long. My attny graduated from law school when I was a year old so he has been practicing law for a long time but never made it seem like this was "old hat" or he had "heard it all before". And I can imagine he has heard it all before. But not not from me.
For most people divorce is nothing short of an utter tragedy. It hands down was the worst time of my life. Watching my father die was terrible but it is the progression of life when somebody is so ill. Learning of my disease was frightening but it was the card I was dealt and sometimes that just happens with a disease. For some reason it is easier to reach acceptance for certain "tragic events" or at least it was for me. Logically I knew my father could not live on life support forever. It didn't make it LESS tragic but it was tragic in a different way.
But divorce is something different. I am not sure I can articulate why in a sensible or eloquent fashion. I would like to try and see if I can be of assistance to somebody that way I was assisted on something I simply did not want. Maybe I will be able to handle it, maybe not but I do know I would like to try.
That is my update
For most people divorce is nothing short of an utter tragedy. It hands down was the worst time of my life. Watching my father die was terrible but it is the progression of life when somebody is so ill. Learning of my disease was frightening but it was the card I was dealt and sometimes that just happens with a disease. For some reason it is easier to reach acceptance for certain "tragic events" or at least it was for me. Logically I knew my father could not live on life support forever. It didn't make it LESS tragic but it was tragic in a different way.
But divorce is something different. I am not sure I can articulate why in a sensible or eloquent fashion. I would like to try and see if I can be of assistance to somebody that way I was assisted on something I simply did not want. Maybe I will be able to handle it, maybe not but I do know I would like to try.
CG,
My father passed away at a pretty early age in 2003 suddenly. And I know EXACTLY what you mean. My father's death was unpleasant, but it pales in comparison to what I (and everyone else here) am going through now. I would rather live his death every day for the rest of my life with my old W by my side than go through this D.
Maybe it's that we all know death is inevitable. But a D does not HAVE to happen. That, and with death, there are no feelings of trust/love that are betrayed. My father (and yours) didn't choose to leave us. Our spouses, right or wrong, CHOOSE to leave us and break up a family.
I think, for me, that's what makes death easier to take than a D.
You don't agree with me going back to school? Why is that?
I am not asking you to agree with how I handled my cheating husband. This thread is not about my husband and I. This thread is about me and my future.
If you are going to make an extremely smart ass remark like that be prepared to back it up. So what do you NOT agree with as far as how I am handling MY future as a single woman? Care to share your wisdom with me?
I am just catching up here, but I can tell you that is hot!
CG - It's H's loss.
Strong minded, strong willed and the right kind of attitude to get it done- I think it's great ( and kinda attractive!).
And if you want to move to Texas, CG. I can't get a pizza delivered out here but I can cook!
No really - I love your attitude.
I feel same about my cheating W- her loss, I'm venturing on!
She hates it, just like your H does, so keep it up!
Hey CityGirl-
Just stopping by to say hi, and thank you for all your input on my sitch. The legal threats seem to have toned way down, so maybe we can get our agreement hashed out in mediation. My W agreed to drop the requirement that the kids get passports.
Sounds like you are doing great! Good luck at school!
Hey OB - LOL, I know I can bit a much at times. That was one of my H's biggest complaints that he didn't feel necessary to voice until after the fact. That I was too independent and would not let him help me enough. Apparently when I was diagnosed with SLE he didn't like my reaction (note: my father had died just 6 days before I was diagnosed) and he wanted me to handle it in a different way so he could be "the lead supporter". Of course that is what led to him convincing himself that is not what he signed up for so CLEARLY that was all MY fault. I still to this day don't understand why that is such a bad thing and his answer is always "if you don't get it you never will". Okay, guess I won't get it then!
Actually though I had a slight argument with my mom today and it really upset me. Her and I have not had any cross words for years and communicate very well even on things we differ on. But she said the same thing - I don't need ;people. This all stemmed from last night (yes, I am rambling but I guess I just need to get it out). I got very lost y'day. I was coming home from school and I took a few wrong turns in a maze of one streets downtown I was just so turned around. I don't see very well at night and headlights make it worse. I hate being lost when I am driving. It frightens me to my core when I can't see well. I was alone, lost, couldn't see and I just started sobbing and I could not stop. It was so stupid and certainly crying about it wasn't going to make me see better or magically know where to go. I really have not cried like that in a long time. My mom happened to call and I was trying to pretend I wasn't hysterical and just chatted away and kept getting more lost. I finally told her I was lost, scared and very upset and she got so upset that I just didn't call her right off the bat.
Today she went on and on (and I did not contribute much positive to this conversation and I take full accountability for that) and told me how difficult I am to help and how I always am on my own and I have been like that my whole life and how could I not know that made my H sad? UM, because my H never said a thing about it for a decade. That is why. I don't even know how we got where we got in the conversation but it wasn't all that nice and I hate feeling so confused with my own mom!
We will work it out but I really don't see how me being strong willed and independent is now such a problem for everybody. Since I am the common denominator I guess I am the problem but I am not sure why. She was so upset that I would "rather" be lost and scared and blinded by headlights while driving then just call for help. I kept driving because I was NOT in a good neighborhood and it didn't feel all that safe to pull over so my "plan" (not well thought out, I know that) was to keep driving until the neighborhood improved then pull over and ask for directions. This seems so dumb to be upset about but for some reason it made me upset, my mom upset and my step dad upset. I guess I better try and think about it in an unbiased fashion.
FUTURE - I am glad for you if things will work out in mediation. The BS becomes endless and I know you will do everything you can to ease the BS and be an awesome dad! I take NO joy in knowing somebody else might be on the verge of the battle I went through and I am thrilled you will not have to deal with it!
I am so shaken right now. Sometimes we stress about things that we don't like or feel so hurt about and forget how fragile life is.
This morning I heard the cleaning lady (she cleans all the common areas of our brownstones) in the basement and I heard her scream. I didn't think much of it as she works with a crew of men (painters, electricians, the super and so on) and they pick on her and "play fight" all the time. A while later I heard a ton of commotion in the basement. Our super, his name is Tom, who has worked in my building for almost 20 years was found passed away in his office. The cleaning lady discovered him hence her scream. She knocked on his office door to put in a supply order and when he didn't answer she opened it up and found him slumped over his desk.
Every Tuesday he stays late in his office to fill out time cards, put supply orders, review the work orders for the following week and so on. He has been doing this for the decade I live here. He ALWAYS eats pretzels while he is doing this. In fact, all the tenants always got him pretzels for holiday gifts. He must have passed away sometime after 5pm y'day as his paperwork was on his desk along with his pretzels. His little radio was on and one of the other workers thought he had on the same clothes as yesterday.
I feel just horrible. My apartment is positioned right over his office and I was home ALL last night and I never heard any sort of noise that would indicate he was in distress. I am sitting here stunned that he was passed away all night and we all just went about our business. I am racking my brain wondering if I heard anything unusual that I just blew off as common noise.
A few years ago Tom had cancer and went through several rounds of chemo but told everybody he was doing better. He never complained and treated all the tenants in this building like we were family. Tom's daughter went through a horrid divorce a while ago and he moved out of his house so his daughter would have a place to live and he got a teeny apartment. Tom had two little grandchildren and sometimes he would bring them to work and give them pretend jobs to do. They would wear their little play tool belts and have a ball. When my H moved out Tom came over and told me he didn't need to know what happened but he knew my H was not living here and if I needed ANY help to find him. He was only 51 and just so sweet.
The cleaning lady is STILL in the basement, just sitting there staring and not saying a word. I think she is in shock. I think her H is coming to pick her up.
There is awful energy in this building right now. It's all so sad and sudden. And to think y'day I was STILL bitching about something so stupid as being lost. Gosh, what I complain about that simply does not matter is sickening. I need to do better.
{{{CG}}} sorry to hear about your friend. Will keep you and his family in my prayers.
Thank you PPenton. His children must be so shocked right now.
I am running through every move I made last night. The only time I left the house was to walk the dog three times and I really don't even remember the exact times I did that. I didn't turn on the tv until after 10pm. Did I hear something, anything???
My neighbor who is a super close friend of mine just called me. He was also home all last night and is also racking his brain if he heard anything out of the ordinary. Did we? Are we so used to "common noise" we ignored noise that somebody was dying? Maybe there was no sound... I just can't remember anything strange but how I could not hear anything? Maybe R (R = my neighbor) and I could have ran down there and called 911??
Very sorry CG. I will keep you and Tom in my thoughts and prayers.
(((CG))) He sounds like a wonderful man. I'm sorry to hear of your loss.
(((((CG)))))
Please don't beat yourself up. From your description, it really sounds like there was nothing to hear. It sounds like he went peacefully, if that's any help.
Thank you for all the kind thoughts. I am just shocked. I guess he must have had a heart attack or maybe choked or something.
I was just thinking back to a few years ago. I went in the basement and I saw this long black wooden box that almost went to the ceiling and I thought to myself WTF is that for? It was around Christmas. Tom put that up because one of the little boys that live here was so upset he had no chimney for Santa to slide down. So Tom made a "chimney" so the kids would think Santa has a way to enter. Every year after that he brought out the "chimney" so the kids could see it.
Our building is so quiet right now, it feels weird.
(((CG)))
I am sorry to hear about your friend. Sounds like he was a great person.
CG,
Honey, so sorry for your loss.
Praying for you and Tom's family.
I am very upset right now and could use some advice, 2x4'ing or *something*.
I am not sure why but I am sitting here in tears and feeling very hurt right now.
Last week my H e-mailed me not once but twice. I didn't respond to either as when I didn't respond he texted me wanting to know why. The next day I e-mailed him back. Fine.
He told me he is getting very busy at work and it would be much better if I could e-mail him at gmail. Fine.
We still have a few things to work out and I would MUCH prefer to do those remaining tasks over e-mail.
My H doesn't check his gmail often (maybe once a week) so when I do respond to him regarding our business it often sits there for days upon days without a response. I just figure he will get to it when he can. On the other hand when I don't respond in 5 minutes to him he is on my ass to "hurry up and get things done".
This morning he e-mailed me back regarding a business matter. Note, the message he just sent was in response to a message I sent him over a week ago.
I responded by telling him that I feel very disrespected when he waits days and days to respond to my business messages but when he sends one he pesters me until I answer. I pointed out to him I am communicating in the way he asked (gmail and not work e-mail) and yet he still can't be bothered.
He responds back with his usual.. I am sorry, my bad, I am sorry you feel disrespected and he will try and get in the habit of checking gmail more often. He said he understands why I feel disrespected and he will improve. He will try and get around to taking care of some stuff this weekend but he can't promise anything.
He says this all the time. Nothing changes.
I am so tired of being held to a different standard than him.
I really have NO IDEA why I am crying and so upset.
(((((CityGirl)))))
It's hard when someone we loved and respected can't even show the same respect to us that they would show a stranger off the street.
The only way I see around it is to have no expectations about when, if, or how he will do anything. You are still expecting respect. But clearly, no matter what words come out of his mouth (or fingertips), he can't do it. So try to stop expecting it.
It's ok to feel down. Just make sure you get back up again!
Hi CityGirl,
"I really have NO IDEA why I am crying and so upset."
Because, "He says this all the time. Nothing changes."
Because you still have a few things to work out & you will continue to have the crust peeled off the scab occassionally when you do interact.
He holds you to a different standard because he knows he can, and takes advantage of your good nature.
After reading so many of your posts, I see that you are amazingly strong & seem to be able to handle just about everything in a positive, intelligent, thoughtful way.
This is about the last thing he 'has' on you & he's prolly not ready to let it go yet.
[[[[CG]]]]
Sunny
You're crying because you get treated poorly by someone you had hoped would do otherwise.
It's understandable.
Life is too short to get treated this way.
We all need to respect ourselves enough to let go, completely, of people who don't value or respect us.
I am so tired of being held to a different standard than him.
Why respond to him right away then? Why not let his email sit for a week and just ignore him if he pushes for a response from you? How does he contact you when he wants something? Email, text, phone call, IM?
Kevin
H, when you can respond to me in a timely manner, I will reciprocate in the same timely manner. Until then, tah tah, I'm busy.
Kevin
Because we are at a point where time is running out to meet and execute the remainder of our Agreement via the courts and waiting a week is a luxury neither of us have right now.
Trust me - after the BS he just e-mailed me I would like to tell him to never e-mail me again. Until all things are settled that is not an option.
He just now told me that I don't understand his "pain points", stress or frustration. He is right. I don't. Because I can't mind read and can only work off the info he chooses to share with me. That is exactly how I responded and he then says "stop making me feel like a jerk".
Again, just like it has been for the past decade - he gets upset because I don't know what he is feeling and I can't guess. In turn, I am the "bad guy" because of this.
Life is too short to get treated this way.
We all need to respect ourselves enough to let go, completely, of people who don't value or respect us. [/quote]
I gotta get here!
Because we are at a point where time is running out to meet and execute the remainder of our Agreement via the courts and waiting a week is a luxury neither of us have right now.
Trust me - after the BS he just e-mailed me I would like to tell him to never e-mail me again. Until all things are settled that is not an option.
He just now told me that I don't understand his "pain points", stress or frustration. He is right. I don't. Because I can't mind read and can only work off the info he chooses to share with me. That is exactly how I responded and he then says "stop making me feel like a jerk".
Again, just like it has been for the past decade - he gets upset because I don't know what he is feeling and I can't guess. In turn, I am the "bad guy" because of this.
Then just do what you think is right, and let him think what he will.
You don't have any control over his thoughts, feelings, or actions anyway...so why bother?
You already know this.
And I know it's upsetting...you have a conscience!
What he thinks is really not my issue. I should not have to keep exposing myself to his ways but I do have to or else we will be looking at another round of attny's fees to complete the execution of the Agreement. I don't have the money to do that so in some capacity, until this is done, I must converse with him when totally necessary.
As I told him. You are asking me to take things into consideration that I am not even aware of (his pain, sadness, frustration, stresses). How am I expected to consider those things if I don't know what they are?
IMO that is not an unreasonable query to make. Yet somehow such a reasonable query is me MAKING him (wow, I must be powerful!) feel like a jerk.
Now, despite the fact something HAS to be addressed before the close of business today that I cannot do on my own due to joint ownership, he will ignore me to prove his point.
As I told him. You are asking me to take things into consideration that I am not even aware of (his pain, sadness, frustration, stresses). How am I expected to consider those things if I don't know what they are?
Nor is your responsibility anymore you aren't his wife!
You care about another round of attorney fees to complete the execution of the agreement, and he doesn't seem to.
You are kinda over a barrel on this one then.
He knows you care about it, and he's using it to have power over you.
And he's manipulating you by expecting you to be aware of his pain, sadness, frustration, stresses, etc..
You are not a mind-reader.
Now, despite the fact something HAS to be addressed before the close of business today that I cannot do on my own due to joint ownership, he will ignore me to prove his point.
Sounds like he has control of the sitch. Can you afford to call your L to see if there are any options for you that do not require going into another round of L fees? I know this would require L fees, but I will ask anyways. Would there be a way for you to get temporary control of the business being yalls sitch that would allow you to operate as needed to keep the business going since he is clearly dare I say "Sabotaging" the business to get at you?
Kevin
Oh he cares about another round of attnys feels - as it stands now he owes my attn well into the 5 figures. That is why he told me today "attnys are not necessary". Well, if you don't want them to become necessary then do as you AGREED to do as per the LEGAL DOCUMENT you signed.
Kevin - I don't mean my business as in how I make my living. I mean our business (asset business) between my H and I.
If he is asking for some leeway in attending to this business then I feel he could at least offer me some valid explanation. If he chooses not to tell me what exactly is going on that is preventing him from completing our business then I really cant adjust the "plan" we ALL agreed on Nov. 17th, 2009.
His pain points (whatever the hell that means) and his sadness and frustration are his own doing. I get that.
Kevin - I don't mean my business as in how I make my living. I mean our business (asset business) between my H and I.
Ah. Ok. Well, no harm in reminding him what the legal agreement says then and upping the anti a little if he won't comply since he doesn't want a round of L fees again.
Kevin
There is no harm in reminding him but it certainly does not motivate him at all.
Something is up and I am real tired of his games. I cannot adjust OUR plan if I do not know why it needs adjusting.
The remainder of my tuition must be paid by Tues - the day I start school - and in order to get that money he has to sign off on one of our large accounts. He has had the paperwork since Nov. 23 and my end is complete. I have tried to be patient, tough and a million other things. I have TONS of bills to pay that I should no longer have due to the Agreement and all that is left to execute his HIS END. I am drowning and I am not supposed to be because a judge TOLD us how to settle these matters. His response "I am doing fine". Well, GREAT! I am fine too aside from ALL the financial burden I am carrying because he is screwing around on signing a few doc's. It's cruel.
I am just really fed up.
I am going to Tom's wake tonight with my neighbors.
I am simply very upset right now. I won't be upset forever but right now I really am.
((((((CG)))))))
hang in there...
You should have a copy of that song handy by Ozzy Ozbourne called "No More Tears".
Kevin
That is a GREAT PLAN on how to get my tuition paid, Kevin. Thanks so much!
That is a GREAT PLAN on how to get my tuition paid, Kevin. Thanks so much!
?? I just thought it would be a song you could turn on to help motivate you when things aren't going your way since you said you have been emotional lately. I thought it might bring you back into the strong CG that you are when you are having down moments.
Kevin
I am down because my friend died.
I am UPSET at my H - not like sad but angry and very disappointed.
I hope that the wake was an opportunity to grieve the loss of your friend in a positive way.
That sounds like a really tough situation you are going through with the finances. I don't know anything about law or divorce, but I did spend 7 years at university. In my experience, students can get lenience on just about any issue if they find the right sympathetic ear in administration. If the tuition issue is your greatest stressor right now, I would try to get past the front desk and talk to someone in the administration to explain your situation. Most post-secondary institutions have various band-aids solutions for short-term financial crises and they don't want students' success to be hampered.
Hope that helps.
Thanks for the good wishes and information.
I have had two deferments so far with tuition. I have paid some and did qualify for a payment plan for the rest but the payments are high and I am very concerned about meeting my monthly obligations. The good thing is the student payment plan is interest free (a HUGE blessing, I know).
It's a bit of a frustrating situation as my H and I have not lived together since April of 2008 and had *very* little contact for almost 1.5 years but our separation only became a LEGAL one as of Nov. 19, 2009. I foolishly agreed to file our 2008 taxes as joint and now my H's income is considered for aid this semester. The FAFS did allow me to input my separation date but there is no option to explain all the particulars so I had to go directly to the school for leniency.
I have decided to file my taxes individually this year so this will not be a future issue but for this semester it's a bit sticky. School or not though, two months is ample time for him to sign a few documents and get on with it.
He will go weeks ignoring me (and the ONLY contact I make with him is via e-mail) saying he "forgot" or other such nonsense but when HE needs something he will e-mail me and text me until I respond.
I follow the "routine"... using "I" statements, telling him I feel disrespected and and why without blame and NOTHING changes. He apologizes and does the same thing all over again.
I am under NO obligation to tell him what is going on in my life and it should not matter what is going on in my life. I didn't spend 18 months wrapped up in court to still have to put up with his BS months after our separation was finalized. I would LOVE To just hand this all back to my attny and if I had the extra money I would. I am paying an enormous amount in bills each month that were supposed to be taken care of as per our Agreement.
My H has not lived here in almost TWO years yet he is still using my address for the car/insurance and so on. Now, he is not on the lease, has no access to MY house, no keys.. NOTHING but the Agreement (via the courts) and my weekly requests for him to change these things just don't budge him to change a thing.
It's always "I forgot" "It's not my fault" "things will be okay" "I want to work with you but I forget to check my e-mail".
It's maddening. My line of thought is it shouldn't matter if I just won 20 million dollars in the lottery - it has no bearing on what WE have to take care of to finish dividing the assets. His outlook is things will be okay so no rush.
It's the same crap with him. Y'day he went back to his favorite "complaint" of him having no home. Well, he HAD a home and he chose to leave it to be with his affair. He makes well into the 6 figures so if he has no real home then who's fault is that? (and, FTR, he lives in FREE house as the home owners live in another state for 9 months out of the year). To him, it's still my fault. He is still whining about how he feels he is now being punished for being unhappy in the marriage. LOL! If he was so unhappy then he should have let me know. Writing me love letters and bringing me flowers once a week for 10 years didn't really clue me in to his unhappiness.
And for any LBS wondering if "letting somebody go" in EVERY way works - well, it might or might not but once you do and they really "get" that you did they will try and hang on. That is not to say they want to reconcile but I am really starting to think for some WAS it *is* all about control. Especially when they have behaved in an out of control manner for a very long time. Funny how a WAS gets all out of sorts when they realize for the first time the safety net of the LBS is GONE.
And now that I have purged all of this, I am going to have a GREAT day! I have a b-day dinner to attend tonight that should be great fun.
Happy Saturday! And thanks for the support and ideas!
Are you sure you're not a Marine with hand-to-hand combat experience or something?
You seem so ...strong!
You've got a bigger pair than a lot of guys I know!
None of this is meant in a derogatory way, on the contrary...they're compliments! Damn! Keep going!
CG, that is so frustrating. It's incredible that even legal documents aren't enough to make agreements stick. I guess all of this just reinforces that you are better off starting fresh.
Thanks!
I have GOOD news! My H e-mailed me this morning and he changed the auto insurance, removed me will be sending me paperwork for my records. He also changed his info with the DMV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He said he was running late for work this morning but will e-mail me tonight (for what?) and he is sorry (again). I did message him back and said "thanks for the info".
Whatever - at least *something* is getting done!
I think it is time for me to throw in the towel. Fo' real.
I just do not know what to even say anymore when it comes to this man.
He has just sent me a barrage of e-mails.
E-mail #1. In his usual smart ass tone he tells me that he will need a few days to get back to me and he wanted to tell me that so I didn't feel disrespected again.
Fine. I tell him no problem and we will talk soon.
E-mail #2. He says the reason he pesters me when I don't respond ASAP as it is not like me and he was 1% afraid that because he has treated me so badly I would take off with all our money.
I basically tell him to F off in a more polite fashion. If I was going to take off with our money I would have a long time ago.
E-mail #3. He says he is sorry and that should not offend me. He guesses our R will always be strained and sorry.....
E-mail #4. He says he now gets what I am saying about being disrespected because he likes to take his time responding to me and I guess I have that right too. He is sorry if I am upset but I better not be and in case I can't figure it out he is joking and to have a good evening. And he says he is thick headed and stubborn but I should know that by now.
I mean, WTF?
I feel like sending him a long e-mail and just saying it all.
He is right about one thing - he did treat me badly and I am glad he knows it. And why exactly does he think the R is strained?
((( CityGirl )))
E-mailing part, I get it! Would it make you feel better to keep all conversations down to business? Keep it polite, but ignore his requests for response time and R comments. He'll take all the time he needs to reply, and so do you, so it seems pointless to discuss it and get worked up about it. I need to keep applying this piece of advice myself!
(((((CG)))))
A good time to observe the 48 hour rule!
My H sent me an e-mail last night. To sum it up...
He says he is paranoid I am going to do something to try and get back at him for how horribly he has treated me. He said he always has these thoughts rolling around in his head and I should understand that. He says that is his issue (he has no problem saying what his issues are, he just NEVER does anything about them). He said it is hard for him that I am no longer there for him at his beckon call but he guesses he will have to accept it as he knows he is no longer there for me. He says when I don't respond to him he pesters me because he is nervous that I will do something because of how badly he treated me. He says sometimes he is joking but our R is too strained. He again said he was thick headed and stubborn and I should know that especially since our R is so strained. He says it is irrelevant if he reads my messages as he is going to take his time either way. He says he gets frustrated because in his mind he assumes how things will go and when they don't go that way he gets mad. He said after some time had passed and I found somebody else things would smooth over with his (LOL!) and we should be friends even though he treated me in such a terrible way.
During this message he must have said "how badly I treated you" 10 times and keeps stressing he is afraid I will get back at him but he would like to think he knows me better than that.
I am not sure exactly what he so paranoid about. Our court case is over and we have virtually no contact.
Please note: we have been separated for TWO months. he is still with OW for now going on 2 years. we have not had any contact since T-day when he blew up at me via text/e-mail because I really hurt his feelings because I didn't wish him a happy T-day.
This all seems to be coming out of left field. I am also annoyed because he said he took me OFF the auto insurance and now he tells me "not exactly, I put you as a "non driver".
He took our car leaving me stranded in April of 2008. I have not even sat in the car since then. What is the point of this non-driver business?
He acts like he cares and the bottom line is he only does that to keep tabs as he is afraid some backlash is coming. That is pretty screwed up.
Just trying to draw you back into the vortex.
He sees a woman who is moving on with life. Taking the bull by the horns. Your sucess vs. his lack of sucess.
He also forgets that the citygirl he knew has been put to rest.
Just collect the data from him and ignore him.
If he keeps it up perhaps a boundary where you state you will file harrasment charges against him.
Well, what is the point of that?
We are no longer married. He tells me every time we have an exchange how happy he is and how he just can't be married to me anymore. UM, WE ARE NO LONGER MARRIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He even told me things are not good w/his GF but he is going to stick it out. GREAT! He probably should stick it out with her since he lost all his assets due to the R they share.
I did NOTHING but show him unconditional love and compassion for the two yrs he cheated on me and put me through HELL in court. Sure, I used every legal resource available to me but that is my right.
In short, he wanted me to move on as long as "moving on" was how he thought it should be. What a joke.
If I hear him say ONE MORE TIME "I can't be married anymore, I can't look at you that way" I will start screaming. It's ridiculous.
He says he is paranoid I am going to do something to try and get back at him for how horribly he has treated me. He says when I don't respond to him he pesters me because he is nervous that I will do something because of how badly he treated me.
During this message he must have said "how badly I treated you" 10 times and keeps stressing he is afraid I will get back at him but he would like to think he knows me better than that.
I am not sure exactly what he so paranoid about. Our court case is over and we have virtually no contact.
It sounds like his conscious is kicking him in the forehead and he's very paranoid of some major karma.
What did you respond with? It really sounds like he's cracking up in those emails. Oh well. Not your problem.
I didn't respond. Essentially all he wants is to ease his own mind and play it off like he is the hero as he is "trying".
Whatever.
It must be tough to behave so awful for so long and have to live with it. I just don't have it in me to deal with his nonsense anymore.
Like he told me... "too litle WAY too late".
believe 0% of what they say. 50% of what they do.
Pushing buttons is pushing buttons.
Reguardless if your married or not.
Harassment is Harassment.
Reguardless if your married or not.
Why do you respond ?
Why not just continue to collect data on all this. And if it does come to a time where you need the police to step in you have the facts available to show how many times this man has contacted you.
Cutterbug - I didn't respond to HIM at all. In my previous post I typed out what I WANTED to say to him but did not.
As my C says... not everything requires an immediate response or a response AT ALL.
As my C says... not everything requires an immediate response or a response AT ALL.
And I agree with your C. Good on you for not responding. Let him talk about how paranoid he is. It's kind of funny in a way. Haha. So you are separated or D'ed?
It must be tough to behave so awful for so long and have to live with it.
It is.
We are legally separated as of Nov 19, 2009 but he moved out of our home in April of 2008. We have been "separated" since April of 2008 but it was only legal 8 weeks ago.
A physical separation w/o any court docs is not recognized in NY.
A physical separation w/o any court docs is not recognized in NY.
CityGirl-
You've commented on my sitch, and offered me advice and support, and I appreciate it.
As you probably know, my W left over a year ago, in the midst of an A. She never made any legal arrangements, she just moved out. For the sake of my kids, I agreed to 50/50 custody, informally arranged between us. I have also been paying her a fixed amount each month in support (a number I came up with that I felt was fair given our shared custody), also informally arranged. Sometimes I regret how easy I have made it for her, but what's done is done.
We are trying to do the mediation thing and get a legal separation, but if this ends up going to court, what are my options regarding legal expenses? If mediation fails, I'll sue her for divorce on the grounds of abandonment, as it's a slam dunk case. Although I could choose any of the grounds offered in our state, the others will be more "messy" to justify.
Actually, to sue for abandonment you have to be able to document that you have no idea where your W is or how to find her.
Since you are sharing custody and you send her support that is not the case. Abandonment does not mean she "emotionally" abandoned the marriage or you - it means she is GONE and you have no idea where.
I thought I could go this route too but it is a true abandonment like she just fell off the planet. If you have contact, her address and shared custody then that won't fly.
It will go to court for the legal separation - how it proceeds in court is the question. If you both agree your attnys simply need to put it on the oral record in chambers (you will not be there, it is closed door). If you can't agree, well, a pre-trial conference for the separation Agreement will happen.
Also, be sure she repays you the support you have given her to date. It will come out of her share of the house or future support.
At best, since she is employed, she will get 3 years of support. If you have already paid her one informally then use that to your advantage. I am talking spousal support, not child support.
Future - not that you can do anything about this now but that is why it is NEVER a good idea to informally agree to anything. Even worse, for you to OFFER it.
If things get messy I would venture to guess her attny will say that you are the one that suggested the support amount and 50/50 custody all on your own. So, why change it now?
You set the precedent and it is tough to change. By doing all this before the legalities began, it is like you gave consent to the situation.
I understand you were doing it in the name of working things out but that won't matter when it comes to the brass tacks of a settlement because your W's attny will argue that YOU set the precedent, not her (as far as support/custody goes).
By offering to support her you essentially supported her choice to move out. So, in the eyes of the court they will say "well, what is the problem now?"
I know, I know :-(. I should have agreed to nothing. I was so bloody ignorant of everything, and I was so emotionally devastated, I screwed up, I know it. I didn't start paying her support right away, it wasn't until we started mediation and we came up with a number, about six months in. Prior to that our finances were still together, and she was charging the kids' expenses on a joint credit card, which I paid. She was then paying me a fixed amount each month to cover her bills, which I was still paying.
Regarding abandonment, I believe I can sue her for constructive abandonment, meaning she ended our physical relationship at least one year prior. As I said, should be a slam dunk.
I know I set the precedent about our custody, but I do agree to 50/50 custody, and I wasn't going to put the kids between us. She moved out, and I work full time, so I needed her to care for the kids, and they needed her. Our kids are still little. I did sort of agree to her moving out, as I couldn't have her living in our house while having an A with another man, of which I have proof. I don't think the state requires me to tolerate that. I asked her to end her affair and stay and work on the marriage, and she refused.
Her actions have forced me to divorce her, so doesn't our state allowed me to put the entire burden of the legal expenses on her?
I am not familiar with constructive abandonment. I only spoke (at length) to my legal counsel about "regular" abandonment.
See, the thing about an affair is you have to find the best grounds to use it with.
The state doesn't require you to tolerate anything. But it is hard to prove what you are claiming (even if it is true) because a certain level of proof is required. If you knew she was having an affair why did you not file for divorce ASAP? (playing your W's attny here) That question will come up.
If you had not had relations for one year why wait some more to file? (again, playing opposing counsel).
You can ask for legal fees and for me it was a deal breaker. My H's attny knew he was locked in. That's why it is VERY important to play your cards right and now show them too early. IMO mediation forces you to show your cards and that is not to your benefit.
The question will be.. if you felt SO strongly about her affair and no sex AND your W refused to work on the marriage then why did you wait so long to file?
In our state - if your spouse has an affair and you sleep with them after that you have consented to the affair. After infidelity happens it is wiped clean after 7 years (another fun fact) if nothing is filed.
Future - I am not trying to be unkind because I get how horrifying this is but you MUST start thinking the other way.
You are thinking about things from YOUR end and you need to start thinking of things from HER end.
You thought you were being a good guy and doing all you could to save your marriage and protect your children. I get that. But the reality of it is you consented to all kinds of things despite your desire to save your marriage.
Future... we would all have liked to save our marriages. I know.
My attny said something to me early on and it made LOTS of sense. He said (obviously) the legal side of divorce is not the same of the emotional side of divorce. And sometimes they do spill over and that is why you need an attny. He told me that you need to handle the legal side as if there is no way in hell your marriage will be saved. PERIOD. He wasn't implying to be ugly or mean or nasty but his point was to let him handle the "dirty work" so my time/energy/mindset is free to focus on other things.
Divorce, legal separation and the divisions of assets is a major pain in the ass BUT it's all just paperwork and can easily be reversed should things turn around for you. If they don't turn around for you then you aren't walking away with nothing because your W decided she wasn't "in love".
I know this kind of talk is not welcomed on this board but the reality of it all is not many marriages are saved. My attny told me every so often he will have a client and they do call off the divorce/separation during legal proceedings. And sadly he says within a year or two those same people are back in his office ready for round 2.
My attny is also a mediator (but he can't do both if he reps one spouse) and he won't even take on clients to mediate unless they both have their own legal counsel. I hate to say you made mistakes because I understand why you did what you did and I know you have children. But you have to start thinking in a legal sense and stop thinking about "saving the marriage".
If you still want to work on saving the marriage then get yourself a good attny to deal with the legal stuff and bow out of mediation. In this state it is really hard to do both (work on marriage and legal stuff) because EVERY damn thing you do is examined in the LEGAL sense even if it *was* to save the marriage.
My attny said something to me early on and it made LOTS of sense. He said (obviously) the legal side of divorce is not the same as the emotional side of divorce. He told me that you need to handle the legal side as if there is no way in hell your marriage will be saved. PERIOD.
But you have to start thinking in a legal sense and stop thinking about "saving the marriage".
I think this is outstanding advice. Thanks.
It was great advice but it is not easy to follow. Because I don't know anybody that goes through a divorce and does not feel *something*. And when you are feeling that *something* at the same time you are sitting across from an attny who is telling that the *something* while important to you is not important to the process, well, it's tough.
I did it because I was SO PISSED but I would not let my H in my house after he left as long as he was in his A. This was long before I even spoke to an attny. This was sheer emotion and to avoid ME going to jail (lol!) because if I got him behind closed doors a murder might have taken place. And it my attny said it was wise. I cut my H out of my life therefore giving NO indication I was "on board" w/the divorce or his affair.
Oh, I get it. I hate it, but I get. I have implicity "agreed" to many things now.
I let this go waaaayyyyy too long. I haven't filed because we're doing mediation. We've been trying to see if we can get it done that way. If we can't, then I have to file. Our first mediation meeting was a couple months after she moved out. All the advice I was getting told me to do mediation. Suing for divorce in our state is a nightmare, so 90% of people go through mediation.
I think mediation is still the way we're going to go, but I want to know what my options are if we reach an impasse.
Yes, divorce is nothing short of a nightmare here. So why not file for the separation under "cruel and inhumane treatment" and after one year the Separation Agreement can be used as the grounds for divorce if you choose to file?
It is something like 85 or 90% of divorces in our state are initiated through a Legal Separation to avoid the horrible divorce proceedings.
And really, if you file for Separation using two attnys and use the collaborative law process its not much different than mediation EXCEPT you have an attny looking out for you. A mediator is not looking out for you as they don't rep you.
I want more than anything for this to work out for you in the best way possible. I don't know the stat about 90% going through mediation but its not much different than having 2 attnys other than PROTECTION.
Honestly, I wish I knew nothing about this. I really do. But I do so I am just sharing what I learned.
I was confused between Legal Separation and mediation. That's where the 90% came from.
As far as protection is concerned, I get some amount of protection from keeping lawyers OUT of the process as well. I don't necessarily want a laywer filling my W's head with all sorts of entitlements, and promising her he or she can deliver them.
NY State has very few entitlements.
And you really can't control what an attny says to your W, can you?
My H's attny painted him a lovely picture. No court, 50/50 split, no support, no insurance... an attny can paint all they want, it doesn't usually pan out that way.
Good luck!
Future -
If you don't want attnys then why are you even THINKING about filing for divorce? You lost me there.
W: I have reached my limit on mediation and the amount of time that has passed. Attached please find my final offer for the settlement. If it is not to your liking I will proceed with legal counsel.
She is either going to freak out and run to the first attny she can find and chances are, like my H did, leave out all the facts concerning his affair. Or, she will bend and you get the settlement you want.
Worse case she gets a good attny. Well, then you get a good one too!
I mean, with all due respect how much longer are you going to frig around w/mediation and wondering what will go wrong and how awful a divorce will be. Yes, it is horrible. BIG FAT SUCK but it won't suck less the more you try and play nice.
I am sorry to be this way but it is how it is.
Hi Citigirl
You know, I realized today I am not really sure my H is totally detached from me. We have not lived together in almost 2 years and he has been involved with OW since then. But I really do think he likes knowing I am "there". Not to reconcile but just *because*.
Why do you feel that way ?
what does he do that makes you think that ?
sorry if this is not your thread
My H doesn't have the power to *make* me think anything.
There is no reason for us to be discussing anything other than business transactions at this point and he certainly tries to steer the conversation elsewhere every chance he has when he pops back in.
He has told me multiple times he is not indifferent to me and he never will be. I know he misses the friendship part of us when we were married. We had lots of fun together. But as I told him the other day - the circumstances in which he created are not acceptable to me to build a friendship on.
He pops back in my life every so often saying crazy stuff but all he is doing is testing the waters to see if I have softened my stance. I haven't. My H lost the best friend he will ever have when he lost me. He knows that now. Probably best we are no longer married but OW certainly does not provide him with friendship like I did. He openly tells me his feelings get hurt when I don't respond to him. Oh well!
Did you read my first thread? Have you read this thread? Lots of background to cover!
City, it sounds like your H is really having the guilt in his head now from what he did to you. And you have moved on. Ain't love grand?
I thought about you & your sitch last night during talking to my H on the phone and he said, "I'm afraid of you because I don't know what you're capable of."
WTH? I wanted to laugh. He said he thinks I'm a snake with poison in my tail. HUH? I'm not the one who needs immi. papers and serving him w/ D papers after going to MC with him!
I know my H feels very guilty. That is not my speculation... last year about this time he told me (and I was contacted by the counselor) he was in C'ing due to guilt issues. He went three times,lol!
It's hard to understand why somebody would CHOOSE to live w/guilt instead of just saying... "hey, I feel terrible, clearly our marriage is over but is there anything I can do or we can do to try and end things on a better note?" What would be so bad about that?
This is what I don't get and I know I will have to fully accept I might never get it. My H and I (before all this BS started) had so much fun together. We have lots in common. My H does not understand (or maybe he does, who knows at this point) that you can't take the good parts of a friendship and stomp on the rest and hope one day it will all be okay with no work!
I for the life of me don't get why he just can't address his affair with me. It is no longer an affair. It is a very, very serious long term relationship. It is NO secret and it has not been for a very long time. Yet he wants to hang out with me and for me to keep it quiet so his GF doesn't find out and act like nothing happened? That is not a reasonable request IMO. This arrangement has been offered to me for a very, very long time and it just doesn't work for me.
I for the life of me don't get why he just can't address his affair with me. It is no longer an affair. It is a very, very serious long term relationship. It is NO secret and it has not been for a very long time. Yet he wants to hang out with me and for me to keep it quiet so his GF doesn't find out and act like nothing happened? That is not a reasonable request IMO. This arrangement has been offered to me for a very, very long time and it just doesn't work for me.
Nor should you think it's ok!
Yet he wants to hang out with me and for me to keep it quiet so his GF doesn't find out and act like nothing happened?
So why can't the GF know about his wife? Surely she knew he was married, right? Why is he afraid of what her reaction will be?
Oh she knows and my H is not "allowed" to talk to me at all. LOL!
My H has told me she is very jealous and intimidated by me. The entire court case we had (that he dragged out) she was furious it was taking so long. What was so comical to me (still is actually) is it never dawned on her the more noise she made the worse it was for her boyfriend who happened to be MY husband! Had I not agreed to the separation she would have been in the courtroom as well and I am going to guess things wouldn't have been quite so sexy anymore.
OW's brother funded a vacation for my H and her a while back. And my H e-mailed me while they were away several times, lol! And he had the balls to say to me "lets talk after GF goes to bed". LOL!
As per my H every fight they have (about 50 a day) is about me. Not sure why... I have NO contact with my H.
I do wonder how my H could be with a woman that has no respect for him or his future. She must be great in bed, lol! My H lost most of his assets, in large part due to his affair, and she is still bitching!
And my H e-mailed me while they were away several times, lol! And he had the balls to say to me "lets talk after GF goes to bed". LOL!
Wow. Just wow. People do the darndest things! Where'd he meet her at?
So have you been on any dates since you guys split? My guess is your H is probably very worried that you are going to meet someone great.
They met at work.
Our separation only became legal 8 weeks ago. For me, I felt it was not okay to date until that was finalized.
I have recently started dating very casually (remember though, my H and I have not been together since March of 2008 so almost two years has passed). VERY CASUAL. Nothing serious and certainly not sex (YIKES!) but its nice.
Nothing serious and certainly not sex (YIKES!) but its nice.
LOL
Well that's good you're enjoying yourself. Are you thinking of filing for D or is he?
We did go through divorce proceedings for well over a year and right before trial he asked me for a legal separation (I live in a fault based state so things are not exactly cut and dry). Since the settlement was the same I accepted. I really did that for me as 18 months in the court system had taken a terrible toll on my health (I have systemic lupus) and I really just had to remove myself as long as the settlement remained the same.
I can file for the D next Nov and our Agreement will be the grounds if I so choose (he can to but he will have to pay up as per the Agreement I negotiated). So it is all up to me.
Geez, 18 months is a long time.
How are you feeling now health-wise?
It is a long time and it felt like 18 years!
I am doing okay health wise (thanks for asking!). I get labs every four weeks and I am due for another round soon. I do have to manage my fatigue and the cold weather makes things difficult. My lupus attacks my joints and kidneys. My kidneys improved greatly over the past two months and I don't think it was a coincidence with so much stress being gone.
The medication I take slows the progression of the disease (or it is supposed to, lol!) but it does not help with the physical pain. So I just deal with it and go about my day!
Glad to hear you are doing better. Here's to a wonderful 2010
It's hard to understand why somebody would CHOOSE to live w/guilt instead of just saying... "hey, I feel terrible, clearly our marriage is over but is there anything I can do or we can do to try and end things on a better note?" What would be so bad about that?
Baffling to me as well. My H was talking about his guilt soon after moving out and I just wanted to shake him and say "you don't
have to feel guilty, you can
stop doing the thing that you're feeling guilty about!!". But I actually see it as part of the H being in "victim"/hopeless mode, as if the guilt is yet another thing that is
happening to them that they have no power to do anything about.
A few random thoughts and a request for guidance and/or clarity!
I am almost done with my first week of school. I like my classes, I like the people, the department and all of that. I do not like 8am classes. Very bad. My brain does not work that early. I feel a bit suffocated by all this structure. And, why do grown people wear pajama pants to school? Is this a new trend or what? Today I sat next to a grown lady wearing bright blue pajama pants (flannel ones at that) with smiley face snowmen on them. Did she forget to change her clothes? Am I missing out on some fashion trend? Why do grown adults try and sneak texting during class? Maybe I am just too old to "get it"?! There is a "man-child" in one of my classes. I call him a "man-child" because I am quite certain I am old enough to be his mother or maybe even his grandmother. My gosh, did I look that young in college the first time around?
Y'day my H messaged me. He said he wanted me to know he was working on a long message to send me this weekend. Um, ok. He said his west coast counterparts are here for the week ( a work thing) so he is busy. Ok. He said he needs totally privacy and concentration for this message. Ok.
He then tells me how sad he was last Friday because he knew it was the dog's b-day and he thought about her all day and what a great dog she is.
He said he wanted to tell me all this so I knew I was not on the back burner in his mind. Ok.
If I had to speculate this message will be the finest piece of WAS ever written. I decided to save him a whole lot of time and messaged him back and basically told him I think it is time for us to release all the burdens. I told him I was tired of these long and dramatic e-mails. I told him I don't respect him at all because he bypasses every boundary I create and I am sick of his dishonesty when there is no more reason to lie. I told him I really could not think of one productive or healthy reason to keep going "back and forth" like this on e-mail for what is going on TWO years. I told him clearly we are in very different places of personal growth and discovery and I will never get him to see things "my way" and I certainly choose not to see things "his way". I told him I feel it is best for me to stop trying because at this point it simply feels like we are both trying to get the last word in and I imagine we both have much better uses of our time.
I wasn't nasty or ugly, just very matter of fact.
City Girl <--- sort of over it.
Today I sat next to a grown lady wearing bright blue pajama pants (flannel ones at that) with smiley face snowmen on them.
Maybe she's going through D too.
City Girl <--- sort of over it.
Good for you. ((()))
And congrats on going to school!
Then there must be LOTS of people at school going through a divorce! I have a pair of red flannel pajama bottoms with snowflakes, maybe I should wear those! LOL!
I so don't get the wearing pajamas in public thing either. Then again, I never bought into the bra stra showing trend either. Underwear is just that--to be worn under other clothes. Pajamas are for wearing to bed, that's it. Some people are just too lazy to care about their personal appearance. I certainly hope they have better sense in a professional environment!
Stand tall in those 4" heels CG. You know how a woman should present herself in the world.
I do not like 8am classes. Very bad. My brain does not work that early.
People have different ways of learning. For some reason I couldn't learn in university classes. I had to record lectures then take notes while listening to the recordings later, stopping and going back if necessary. If things are going in one ear and out the other, try different ways of getting the information even though at first it might seem that the information is only presented in one way.
And, why do grown people wear pajama pants to school? Is this a new trend or what?
I remember that from decades ago
. I think it goes something like this: "University is fun because I don't have to be a grown-up yet and I don't have to dress like grown-up. I don't have a mommy around to make me wear anything, so I'm going to be an antidisestablishmentarian and wear pajamas. Aren't I cute? And don't my pyjamas make you think of how cute I'd be in bed?".
City Girl <--- sort of over it.
It's pathetic that, after dismantling your M, your H isn't over it <rolling eyes>.
Things are sort of hectic around here.
I got a very long e-mail from my H on Sunday morning. He told me he was sorry I felt disrespected and that he held me to a different standard than he holds himself.
He told me that many of the problems we had are now happening with his current relationship and for the first time he is realizing it was not all me. He said he now sees it was much easier to blame me for it all but seeing how I have been removed from his life for 2 years and the same problems are resurfacing he knows he has issues. He stated he know sees how arrogant he can be. How poor his communication skills are. How he assumes and jumps to conclusions when he doesn't like how things are and how easily he shuts people out and dismisses them when he doesn't get his way.
He stated he knows it is up to him to work on these issues. He says he did go to counseling last Jan. three times but he was so consumed with guilt that is all they worked on and he still blamed everything on me.
He said it was hard for him to admit this to me but he was jealous of all the work I had done on myself and how far ahead I was of him in that area. He said he knows he treated me terribly and he has been trying to do small things to earn my trust and respect back. Lastly, he said while he realizes all of this he will stay in his current relationship and try and work on his issues and he hopes I understand.
He also told me his attny got the letter my attny sent him (re: completing the rest of the Agreement) and my H told me his attny is "not going to do anything about it". Not sure what that means exactly.
I did write my H back and told him this must stop. I told him while I understand being jealous it is very hard to grasp how he could be jealous of me working on me when he was more than welcome to join me in "the work" and he declined for 2 years. I told him I will no longer listen to one word about his relationship. I told him this back and forth is equal to emotional terrorism and I will not longer participate and if he cannot respect that boundary any further communication between us (RE: the Agreement) will have to be done via the US Mail.
I also told him realizing and working on your own issues is a long and slow process however I would not serve as his emotional sounding board or support system given the circumstances.
So, DB'ing friends this is the moment most of us wait for. The moment where the WAS who has been deeply vested in another R for a very long time realizes it was not *all* the LBS. I never believed it but I guess it is true, patterns do repeat themselves unless internal work is done.
As I have said all along I am not at all surprised he is staying with OW.
So, my DB journey ends here with my H. I will continue to work on me and build my new life. I am struggling a bit as I remember how terribly, terribly cruel my H was for the past two years only to realize now, it wasn't all me. I will survive, I always do but I can't say it doesn't sting.
CG,
That is quite a post. I am sad and happy for you at the same time. How is that even possible?
You have become a stronger woman, and while I have not followed your whole situation, I have seen your postings and feel better having met you, if only virtually..
So, my DB journey ends here with my H. I will continue to work on me and build my new life. I am struggling a bit as I remember how terribly, terribly cruel my H was for the past two years only to realize now, it wasn't all me. I will survive, I always do but I can't say it doesn't sting.
Wow.
I know it is bittersweet, but you are right, you will not only survive, but thrive!
Blessings to you CG. Hope you have a great day today!
Thanks for the support.
If I really think about it what stings is how mean he was to me for so long. And yes, I tolerated it for a long time and that was my grave error. All it did was spin my lupus out of control and create an anxiety disorder.
It's not so much that he is staying with OW as I totally expected that. My H cannot be alone and there is no way he could put aside and even show his face at work if they broke up (the work together). His family thinks they only recently started dating and he told all our friends that our split was a joint decision. I guess what upsets me is so much of his cruelty stemmed from his inability to examine himself.
I know all I can do is learn from this and I have. I guess I do feel bad in a way that I had to suffer financial ruin, a horrid court battle and illness all for my H to realize NOW that it wasn't all me. All the while my H was having the time of his life, partying it up and using our money to do so. Its sort of upsetting in a new way.
My H told me he can't even process the amount of damage he has done and how much he hurt me and how awful he was to me yet I still am compassionate and "good".
I guess life lessons never come easy.
I guess life lessons never come easy.
Not the ones we really learn from .....
CityGirl, I commend you.
I commend you too CG. Your strength and inner conviction to not only survive but thrive after all you have been through is an inspiration!
Thanks again for the support.
I guess the old saying of divorce not solving problems is true. People solve problems and issues, not a decree from the court.
A divorce might remove you from what you think is the problem but all we can do is fix from within. I'll keep fixing. This is not unexpected but still a small hurdle to overcome.
I guess life lessons never come easy.
Not the ones we really learn from .....
CityGirl, I commend you.
Yeah Life Lessons suck...so that hoepfully we learn from the them the first time.
Most of them you get to smile about later, but few if any do we really laugh about later.
CG,
You have your head on straight, nice to see.
Thanks again for the support.
I guess the old saying of divorce not solving problems is true. People solve problems and issues, not a decree from the court.
A divorce might remove you from what you think is the problem but all we can do is fix from within. I'll keep fixing. This is not unexpected but still a small hurdle to overcome.
so true...{{{CG}}}
I feel better today.
My sister came over and had dinner with me last night. I LOVE to cook and we have so much fun together. We laughed so hard during dinner it was ridiculous!
My sister works at a hospital a few blocks from my apartment so she comes here during her dinner breaks 2 or 3 nights a week. It's great!
My dog is making me laugh too. It is so snowy and windy out so no long walks for her. Instead I have been taking her out for really short walks. She is old, has hip problems and does not tolerate the cold well. I take her out, she walks a few feet, a gust of wind comes and she crouches down and makes this crazy "old man" face and wants me to pick her up. So, I bring her inside, get settled with work and 10 min. later she wants to go out AGAIN!
Saturday is my friends b-day and he is having a party at his house. It should be fun!
School is fine. The way I figure it, if you can listen, read, write and retain info it is actually not that hard. I do get a feeling of "ick" at least 3 times a day when I realize I am going to school to pursue some sort of legal career. I struggle, I remember how terrorized I felt during our legal battle and wonder if this is right for me. It's weird.
CG -
I just saw your dog on your fb page! Cute!
As my S10 says... (when a girl told him she loved him...) "What's not to love?" Reminds me of your dog!
We have a CockaPoo. Ding dong, mini-shaggy DA, that is colored like a soccer ball. Pounces around like a freak, and perches on your neck/shoulders if you're on the couch. Makes me insane, but I just love him. He actually huffs when my H comes home (from working out of town) and dares to sleep on his side of the bed! LoL
I love cooking too. A little random, but I want to learn to make that really, heart healthy, waist shrinking golden sauce that you can get atop your shrimp, lobster, etc... at a Japanese teppan grill. Weird, huh? HA!
Be good.
I have a date for you when you're ready some day. Not sure what the commute would be, but we'll talk! Haha
My pug says thanks for visiting her
Your dog sounds adorable! Dogs are the best.
I would like to hear more about this date!
Thanks for stopping by...
CG,
Ha!
Here you are!
Now I remember.
I'm Gardenerman in the.alt, if you're interested.
I dug my old thread out.
I just have to say my nerves are shot and I do mean shot.
Tonight is the final exchange of furniture with my H. My friends will be here to help me haul it out so I don't have to see him.
His behavior over this past week has been so foul it is simply astonishing. The continued lies and rudeness is still amazing to me. He has treated me poorly and lied about things that are just stupid.
I have refrained from reacting or responding at all. It has not been easy. While I know I can go to bed each night feeling I took the high road after this week I must admit it is EXHAUSTING.
I have not been in my H's life now for over two years aside from legalities and a handful of "in person" meetings. For so long my IC told me my H's behavior is not about me, it's about him even though I am the recipient of his crap. Logically I understood that but I think for the first time today I am actually *feeling* it. This is all him and while it is terribly disrespectful and mean to me, I know it can't be about me at this point.
Send me strength tonight can be done how it should be done. The ONLY time he can come is 11pm with the truck. I have so much to do in the next few hours and thankful my friends will be with me. His items will go in the hall (not allowed in) and I have granted him access to the storage area for one hour. Seeing how I organized it all while he was on a vacation with his mistress it should be pretty easy for him to get in and out.
We still have a few asset issues to wrap up but I think I can say, as my H comes to pick up his stuff to move in the house he now shares with his mistress, things are done. I found out a few days ago they had moved some time ago yet he continues to lie to me. I don't ask but the lies pour out. So sad.
I am nervous and kind of sad I guess. I really don't know what I am. Thanks for the venue to get this all out.
xoxoxo
citygirl
(((CG))))
You continue to be an inspiration to me. I know how hard this has been. I see great strength in you and it gives me hope that I too will get through this.
I know what it's like to be married to a man who lies and is mean. I refuse to take it personally. It still hurts but we cannot let it kill our spirit.
Tonight is going to go well because you have your support there. Take it easy CG - have a glass of wine or tea and think good thoughts!
Hugs to you! - Luv
pat
I think you've taken a hiatus from the boards but if you come back...
alt is facebook
I wanted to send you a ton of huggggggggggggggggggs!!!!
I wish you all the strength ever and you'll be in my prayers.
xoxo
I hope you can think of tonight as a cathartic purging. Get those evil reminders away-haha!
But seriously, there is no doubt. I think everyone would say- "what the hell is wrong with that man?" Beyond disturbing.
Stay strong! He is a total @ss- there I said it. Sometimes I think it feels good to call @ss an @ss.
I personally am a dork and would envision silly things like hoping he trips while carrying something heavy and throws out his back. Or slips and really clunks his head. Comical stuff, minor mishaps, not really mean stuff.....
Is the separation finalized? I remember he was being difficult with that.
or even better?...stubs his toe LOL
(((((CityGirl)))))
I will be thinking yellow!
((( CG )))
He refused to care about you more than 2 years ago. It's about time for you to do the same. It will not make you a bad person. He can fend for himself. Your wellbeing is a priority right now.
You care whether he has moved with OW or not, whether he has lied to you or not. When you stop caring about it the torture will stop.
((()))
Ack! I wrote a response hours ago but apparently it didn't post.
I hope your friends were there for you and stayed to make sure H was gone without bothering you. If I had been there I would have slapped him so hard my handprint would still be there. Grr.
You know how much I admire and respect you. You've been through hell and back and are thriving. Now I think you should follow Wholeagain's advice and completely drop the rope. Yes, it's difficult because he's been such a jerk for such a long time. You have been seriously wronged. And I know you've been working on detachment for longer than most of us. Perhaps a new distraction will help...tall, dark and handsome?
CG, the satisfaction I get from reading your post is knowing that soon you'll be fabulously living your life with him in your past...while he'll have the punishment of living with himself -- his dishonest, spiteful self -- for the rest of his life (a punishment that OW will share).
Thank you all so much for the kind words and support. It means the world to me.
My friends came and my mom and stepdad came as well. We had all the furniture out for him to take as well as all his stuff from the storage shed. The most important thing for me to focus on is the amazing circle of friends I have and my family.
My H showed up almost an hour late without so much the courtesy of a text to let me know. I did not see him at all nor did I even look out the peephole. I asked him to tend to the items first in the hallway then work in the storage unit as it was very late and I knew my neighbors would be going to bed. He didn't do that.
He texted me after they left with a "Im done". Not so much a thank you for hauling out his stuff. I went down to the storage unit and he left all the lights on, the door open and he left the community cart we all share OUTSIDE.
Anything more that has to be done can be done via the postal mail. I have blocked his number from my phone. I will not block him from e-mail until I have the rest of the funds he owes me. My attny is now involved again so that is that. We have been separated since Nov. 19th 2009 and that is ample time for him to execute the rest of the agreement.
And you know what? I feel just fine today
Took my dog for a long walk this morning. Had a lovely 30 min. conversation with "hot German Sheppard man" (too bad he has a girlfriend but she is very, very sweet!) and now I have tons of work to catch up on. My sister is coming for dinner tonight.
Thank you again!
Hey City. Glad to see you feeling just fine.
This is all him and while it is terribly disrespectful and mean to me, I know it can't be about me at this point.
It is not about you at all. It is ALL about him. It took me a long time to realize that lesson also.
I hate to see you feeling beat down. You are always so strong. Try and muster up that strength you used on me for so long. You can pull through this. You are one of the most determined people I have ever met. When you get your strength together and make a decision, you go with it come hell or high water. Find that strength in you.
You can do it.
K4
oops, i guess i posted before i finished reading. glad you are doing better.
K4
wow c.g.
Even with all that is going on your are still pushing forward. I dont know how you do it all. I really dont. I'm really proud of you. I hope that you continue to have good success with all of the tests and school. Is there a way you can take some of the courses online?
*hugs his strong spirited friend* Even though I don't always like what you say I know you say it because you care. Care enough to post to me and think of me and try to help me.
Thank you
sincerely,
james
*hugs c.g.*
Thanks for the support, James (and everybody!)
I really am doing well despite some new health issues. Not new really but I have been in incredible (physical) pain for the past two days. I see the dr. next week.
My apartment feels AMAZING now that my H's stuff is out. The entire vibe of the place is different.
I am loving this time to totally reinvent me. It's not always easy, yes I get sad from time to time but I know I deserve to have a wonderful life and it's great to build it on my terms!
And James, I do it by taking one day at a time. I do it by following my IC plan to the letter of the law. I do it by knowing that it is up to ME to find happiness and the life I want. I do it by working through my hard times in a healthy way (finally, lol!).
And from time to time I take a nap
I have nothing but confidence you are going to be healthy and happy
Luv ya CG
Thanks again for all the support!
I am pretty happy. I do have down days but overall I like what my life is becoming. It's pretty darn good! And this forum is a huge part of that. So thank you generous people!
xoxoxo
CityGirl
C.G.
I THINK I FINALLY GET IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 LOL.
how are you feeling today c.g? has the pain lessened any?
how are you feeling today c.g? has the pain lessened any?
I ASKED YOU HOW YOU WERE DOING DANGIT!!!
are you feeling ok? how is school going and have you had anymore doctor's appointments?
and when can I get some of that cooking you love so much? lol
I am feeling so so. Not great.
I had a bit of an accident on Saturday. I had a knife in my dish drainer and the handle was facing the wrong way and I gashed my arm. I know have a lovely 7 inch cut that bled for hours. The meds I am on thin my blood considerably. Saw the dr. today. Bloodwork was not perfect but one step at a time.
School is good. I am glad it's almost done. Honestly, this program is a real snooze and I have some thinking to do about what is next.
If you like to eat then learn to cook! It is my favorite hobby!
I am feeling so so. Not great.
I had a bit of an accident on Saturday. I had a knife in my dish drainer and the handle was facing the wrong way and I gashed my arm. I know have a lovely 7 inch cut that bled for hours. The meds I am on thin my blood considerably. Saw the dr. today. Bloodwork was not perfect but one step at a time.
School is good. I am glad it's almost done. Honestly, this program is a real snooze and I have some thinking to do about what is next.
If you like to eat then learn to cook! It is my favorite hobby!
oh I know how to cook. Spent many of hours working different grills in college to make money. I love cooking breakfast the most.
Wow we have matching arm gashes! mine is almost healed though. Sorry to hear about your arm. did you get any stitches?
Are you able to take anything for the pain? Hydrocodone or anything like that to lessen it? I've been reading about lupus but I still really don't understand it so I'm reading some more.
I hope you feel better c.g. have you been getting rest?
No, I don't take anything for pain as nothing really helps. I take 400mg of Plaquenil per day to manipulate the pH of my cells for Lupus.
My cut wasn't deep enough to get stitches. It was one of those annoying cuts that perfectly took off the top layer of skin but was not too deep. I bleed more than normal people do so it looked way worse than it was.
Lupus is an autoimmune disease. My body overproduces autoimmune antibodies and the overproduction causes my body to "attack" it's own tissue, joints and organs. Any trauma to my body (ex: the cut I got on Sat.) stimulates more overproduction.
I do rest when I can. Lupus and chronic fatigue go hand in hand.
Could be worse!
No, I don't take anything for pain as nothing really helps. I take 400mg of Plaquenil per day to manipulate the pH of my cells for Lupus.
My cut wasn't deep enough to get stitches. It was one of those annoying cuts that perfectly took off the top layer of skin but was not too deep. I bleed more than normal people do so it looked way worse than it was.
Lupus is an autoimmune disease. My body overproduces autoimmune antibodies and the overproduction causes my body to "attack" it's own tissue, joints and organs. Any trauma to my body (ex: the cut I got on Sat.) stimulates more overproduction.
I do rest when I can. Lupus and chronic fatigue go hand in hand.
Could be worse!
omg so it pretty much thinks your joints tissue and organs are some type of infection and attacks them?
no wonder you weren't around saturday.
*puts a bandage on ya arm and sends you a get well city girl card*
please be careful with the dishes!!
my blood levels are the exact opposite. They think I may be anemic. It was ridiculous hard for them to find a vein at the hospital and the nurse had to flush the vein she did find several times after d/cing my i.v. just to get two vials of blood from me.
In a very basic sense lupus is sort of like having an allergic reaction that never ends.
Everybody produces autoimmune antibodies. People with Lupus produce way too many. When one has too many autoimmune antibodies the body views them as "foreign" and not helpful and the body actually starts to attack its own tissues, joints and organs. You know how people are very allergic to peanuts? And when they eat a peanut sometimes their throat closes? It is the bodies way of "attacking" the peanut and it ends up attacking itself. The concept is the same.
The pain is sort of hard to describe but it kind of feels like millions of fire ants crawling under your skin and heat going up your spine. I realize this sounds all dramatic but its really the only way I can describe it.
Lupus goes in remission then flares. In my case my kidneys and joints are attacked most often. Lupus severely compromises the immune system.
I have super small veins. My blood is thin due to my meds. I can get a paper cut and bleed like the dickens.
So, that is me!
In a very basic sense lupus is sort of like having an allergic reaction that never ends.
Everybody produces autoimmune antibodies. People with Lupus produce way too many. When one has too many autoimmune antibodies the body views them as "foreign" and not helpful and the body actually starts to attack its own tissues, joints and organs. You know how people are very allergic to peanuts? And when they eat a peanut sometimes their throat closes? It is the bodies way of "attacking" the peanut and it ends up attacking itself. The concept is the same.
The pain is sort of hard to describe but it kind of feels like millions of fire ants crawling under your skin and heat going up your spine. I realize this sounds all dramatic but its really the only way I can describe it.
Lupus goes in remission then flares. In my case my kidneys and joints are attacked most often. Lupus severely compromises the immune system.
I have super small veins. My blood is thin due to my meds. I can get a paper cut and bleed like the dickens.
So, that is me!
man how do you deal with that. oh so that's what you meant about almost losing the kidney? how do they treat it? how do they make the autoimmunes stop attacking your joints and organs?
how is your arm feeling C.G.?
I demand an update dagnabbit!!
In case anybody needs a good laugh....
I have not seen my "husband" since Nov. of 2009 (in court, lol!). The last time we spoke on the phone was a few months ago. Every so often we e-mail about admin. stuff but the last e-mail exchange we had was a few months ago.
The last time I texted with him was in mid April when he sent me ELEVEN text messages to tell me he was moving in with his GF (his two year affair partner) and blah blah blah.
He came by to get the last of his furniture on April 20th of this year. I did not see him but left it in the hall for him.
IOW we have very little contact and I like it that way. We are legally separated since Nov of 2009 but he moved out in April of 2008.
In Jan. of this year he kept e-mailing me wanting to talk as "two people" as long as his GF did not find out. No. I told him I was done.
Two days ago he texted me that he has been e-mailing me since May 3rd (I saw the e-mails but they were all "how are you doing" type messages and not worthy of any type of response) and if I did not want to "talk" to him over e-mail then he might just start exploring other avenues to force us to talk. LOL! I told him "do what you need to do!".
Last night about two hours before he left work he texts me asking me if he could bring me dinner after work. WHAT?! I mean, what the hell? GF out of town or what? Then he wanted to know if the dog was too hot (very warm temps here). I ignored him for about an hour so he texts again that he will bring dinner but leave it by the door so I don't have to see him. WHAT?!
I text him back a short but polite 'no thanks' and within seconds he texts again " I figured you would say no but just thought I would ask"
Ridiculous!
CityGirl, Wow! I don't know what to say. Wonder why he wants to make contact and be nice to you all of a sudden?
Do you know if he is still with OW?
He LIVES with OW! He has been with his affair partner since early 2008! They just moved in together last month.
His patterns are predictable. He tried to "get tough" with me for not wanting to e-mail with him and when I didn't respond he tried the nice route.
He wants or needs something I am sure.
Yes, it sounds like he wants something. Interesting that after living with OW for a month he is now contacting you. Maybe the grass isn't so green now that he is living with her. Trouble in paradise?
Who knows. He loves to tell me how happy he is each time we talk. He also reminds me (for 26 months now! LOL!) each time we talk "he can't be married anymore".
I am sure things are going fine with them and he just needs something and instead of just TELLING me what it is he wants/needs he is playing these games (again).
Because as you know, I am able to read his mind.
Wow CityGirl, that is messed up. What could he possibly need? You've been physically separated for over two years. Is he going to do this crap for the rest of your life? He sounds like he's got some deep seated guilt he can't shake. No matter what he does, he just can't shake it, and he keeps looking to you to give him some sort of "Get out of purgatory free" card. You're doing awesome, just let him flail in the wind.
I think when most people have to tell you how happy they are, they're faking it. That and his "I can't be married anymore" BS. Sounds like he's trying to convince himself that he his happy and he can't be married anymore.
It will be interesting to see if he continues to contact you.
If he needs something he will keep contacting me.
Last Thanksgiving he got *very* mad at me because he texted me "happy t-day" and I did not respond and as per him it hurt his feelings. Oh, so sorry HIS feelings have been hurt! Shortly after that we spoke on the phone and he said "I wish you would feel comfortable contacting me" (this is right after he said that his GF has forbidden him to speak/see me ever again).
IOW - he wants me to keep pursuing him so he can turn me down (note: since he dictated to me we were getting divorced I have never pursued him once!) and have his GF.
Right around this time he also told me he questions why he is in this R with his GF still, they fight and have broken up four times but he is learning from our R that he has to NOT run away. Have mercy.
He told me part of them moving in together was convenience to split a high rental payment. Whatever!
He also told me "it's been two years and you should be over it"... er, who says I am NOT?!
The BS with him is endless.
CG,
I have so much respect for you and the way you handle yourself.
He does not need to even discuss with you his affair with the OW. He is so cruel and mean. He should not do this to you.
Be proud that you are the one that is not letting him control the way you react.
I am in need of wanting to pursue my W today, but I can see that the approach you are taking is what I need to follow.
Don't stop being the NEW YOU!
In case anybody needs a good laugh....
I have not seen my "husband" since Nov. of 2009 (in court, lol!). The last time we spoke on the phone was a few months ago. Every so often we e-mail about admin. stuff but the last e-mail exchange we had was a few months ago.
The last time I texted with him was in mid April when he sent me ELEVEN text messages to tell me he was moving in with his GF (his two year affair partner) and blah blah blah.
He came by to get the last of his furniture on April 20th of this year. I did not see him but left it in the hall for him.
IOW we have very little contact and I like it that way. We are legally separated since Nov of 2009 but he moved out in April of 2008.
In Jan. of this year he kept e-mailing me wanting to talk as "two people" as long as his GF did not find out. No. I told him I was done.
Two days ago he texted me that he has been e-mailing me since May 3rd (I saw the e-mails but they were all "how are you doing" type messages and not worthy of any type of response) and if I did not want to "talk" to him over e-mail then he might just start exploring other avenues to force us to talk. LOL! I told him "do what you need to do!".
Last night about two hours before he left work he texts me asking me if he could bring me dinner after work. WHAT?! I mean, what the hell? GF out of town or what? Then he wanted to know if the dog was too hot (very warm temps here). I ignored him for about an hour so he texts again that he will bring dinner but leave it by the door so I don't have to see him. WHAT?!
I text him back a short but polite 'no thanks' and within seconds he texts again " I figured you would say no but just thought I would ask"
Ridiculous!
lol me thinks WAH is having buyers remorse. The grass must not be green anymore. It's turning brownish yellow.
He is starting to have some regrets. But he still wants to keep O.W. because he wants to be "sure" to at least have one of you.
But You already told him you won't share him with her. Way to go C.G.
p.s.
how are those lungs? we can't have you wasting precious oxygen cursing at him.
*hugs C.G.*
im putting a no reading gag order on YOU FOR THIS WEEKEND c.g.
we are supposed to still be doing our plan together lol. I haven't forgotten.
no stressful situations or text or emails read from H this weekend cause we want you getting healthy! YOU HEAR ME!
*hugs his friend*
I could use a little advice.
As I mentioned my H contacted me out of the blue last week asking if he could come over for dinner. Odd. Very odd.
This weekend I received my spousal maintenance check and must admit I got the "gut punch feeling" when I looked at the return address and it was his home address (for 2 yrs he has been using a PO Box) and it was the address he shares with OW. Fine.
I also noticed the postmark was from out of town and it came from the town that he and OW used to sneak off to the first summer of their affair. I am not sure how tacky one person can be to mail his W her spousal maintenance check while on vacation with your mistress in from the town you got caught in having an affair but whatever.
Tonight my H started texting me. He is someplace (at an event) that he thought I would probably be at. I didn't end up going. I am sure the reason he thought I was there was it was something he and I did every year for a decade.
The first text said the word "something". That is the word he and I used to use for "I love you" when he was at work and couldn't say it. At least 10 texts followed this, all chatting like we were best buds (note, he and I have virtually NO CONTACT). I ignored it for a few hours then finally texted him back and told him I was not there and stop texting me. I find it odd he is there with his live in mistress/GF and is texting me all this BS. After I told him to stop he texted me a few more times (by now the event was over) and I timed it out in my head and about the time him and GF would be going home is when he finally stopped.
99.9% of the time I ignore him. I just can't deal with him. I don't trust him farther than I could throw him and every few months he does this to see if "I am still mad and are we buddies yet". It makes me sick.
I am thinking of putting together a short e-mail to him (not now but soon) and letting him no in no uncertain terms his random invites and texts are not appreciated and I would like them to stop. He chose and while I accept that, there is no more "me" available to him.
What do you all think?
I admit I did cry because it does still hurt. I am pretty detached and I know I won't understand why he does this but it's just not good for me.
I think he is a cheater. He thinks it's a game. Flirting with you, while he is with her, is a game to him.
((((((CG))))))
I guess maybe you are right. H and OW just moved into a house together about a month ago and NOW all this is starting up again?
It's very upsetting to me. Right or wrong I lead a much happier life when he doesn't contact me. I made it clear to him MONTHS ago that I would no longer be there for him under ANY circumstance and I really don't think he gets that.
But if I try and tell him that he will turn it around on me and say how mean I am because he is just being "nice" and nothing he does is ever right for me or good enough.
CityGirl, very strange indeed. I know it must still hurt but you are strong. Don't let him bring you down.
It doesn't appear that he wants anything specific...or at least he hasn't mentioned anything yet. I said it before and I'll say it again, perhaps he is finding out the grass is not greener now that they moved into together. Is it possible that he might finally start to feel regret and realize his mistake? Perhpas it's his way or seeing if you might still be there and be interested. Him texting you is one thing but using your codeword, "something", might be his way of trying to reach out, maybe? Testing the waters so to speak? I don't know?
This is the second time within a week he has tried to contact you. Hmmm... Maybe just lay low and see what he does next before you send him that text about NC, unless of course you truly don't want it. Just curious CG, what would you do if one day he decides to drop OW, realizes his mistake and wants you back?
I could use a little advice.
As I mentioned my H contacted me out of the blue last week asking if he could come over for dinner. Odd. Very odd.
This weekend I received my spousal maintenance check and must admit I got the "gut punch feeling" when I looked at the return address and it was his home address (for 2 yrs he has been using a PO Box) and it was the address he shares with OW. Fine.
I also noticed the postmark was from out of town and it came from the town that he and OW used to sneak off to the first summer of their affair. I am not sure how tacky one person can be to mail his W her spousal maintenance check while on vacation with your mistress in from the town you got caught in having an affair but whatever.
Tonight my H started texting me. He is someplace (at an event) that he thought I would probably be at. I didn't end up going. I am sure the reason he thought I was there was it was something he and I did every year for a decade.
The first text said the word "something". That is the word he and I used to use for "I love you" when he was at work and couldn't say it. At least 10 texts followed this, all chatting like we were best buds (note, he and I have virtually NO CONTACT). I ignored it for a few hours then finally texted him back and told him I was not there and stop texting me. I find it odd he is there with his live in mistress/GF and is texting me all this BS. After I told him to stop he texted me a few more times (by now the event was over) and I timed it out in my head and about the time him and GF would be going home is when he finally stopped.
99.9% of the time I ignore him. I just can't deal with him. I don't trust him farther than I could throw him and every few months he does this to see if "I am still mad and are we buddies yet". It makes me sick.
I am thinking of putting together a short e-mail to him (not now but soon) and letting him no in no uncertain terms his random invites and texts are not appreciated and I would like them to stop. He chose and while I accept that, there is no more "me" available to him.
What do you all think?
I admit I did cry because it does still hurt. I am pretty detached and I know I won't understand why he does this but it's just not good for me.
im sorry this happened C.G. it does seem like H is playing a game but he could be having regrets too. Who knows.
Don't let it get to you. (i know i'm one to talk huh?)
how are you feeling? Has the lung infection gone away?
You know, I don't know what I would do. Both my friend and attny asked me that last week and I don't know. My attny was helping me with a business contract and he said to me a while back he bets H and I don't get divorced. Seeing how he handled my separation I think he must have been drunk to say such a thing as he knows the facts.
It won't ever happen so I don't put much thought into it. It's just now who my H is. Once he decides something it is how it is no matter what. He has told so many lies to so many people and he works with OW. It just won't happen.
I know my H lives with guilt and I often wonder if this is his way of telling himself "well, I am trying to be nice and look how mean she is".
I don't think my H stays up at night thinking of ways to hurt me but he is so insensitive with his comments and actions. I think he is just *that* dumb.
What would be our 11yr anniversary is in a few weeks. I am sure H was just feeling nostalgic tonight but too bad. I think it stinks he only contacts me when he can sneak at work or when his GF is not looking. And to mail me spousal maint. check from their "secret affair" destination. So rude.
I shouldn't be but I am very annoyed.
Hi James,
I am feeling okay, thanks for asking. My infection is gone but I am still using this horrible inhaler. I don't know what it is but it makes me so nauseous!
Anyhow, I am still standing, lol!
I hear you CG. Interesting that your attny said that. I wonder why he feels that way?
You know I've read so many stories here, read so many R books, talked to so many friends who have gone through the same thing and one thing I have learned is that you never say never. Friends of mine have told me their stories, some of which were pretty bad. It amazed me to hear how things changed for them and how some of them got back together. You just never know I guess.
Maybe it's just me but I'm not so sure that your H is just trying to be nice here. Maybe it's something more? Emotions are powerful, wow have I learned this. For you it's keeping your H from hurting you again. For him it might be him missing you.
Do you think he will try to do anything in recognition of your anniversary? Yes, he has done his share of dumb things lately, no doubt. Would there be any harm to just lay low for now and see what he does next?
You're a good person CG. You do so much for people here. You helped me get through a few tough days this past weekend. You deserve to be happy and it is for you to decide what will make you happy in life. Could you be happy if your H was back in your life again one day? If your answer is yes then what would you be willing to do? I understand not wanting to wait and continue living the hurt. It's not easy but then what is easy in life?
(pardon me if I sound nuts, I am hopped up on coffee way too late!)
ALL and I do mean ALL my H ever had to do was look me in the eye and say I am sorry.
Not "I am sorry BUT..... not "I am sorry <insert cliech, BS or crazy justification here>
Just one plain old "I'm sorry".
That doesn't mean we would be friends or anything else but for ME it would really go a long way.
I could almost get over the affair. What I am not sure I could ever get over was how he treated me when I got sick. I didn't expect him to come running back or take care of me but to take all the money and the car is still unthinkable to me.
My H has never shown me an ounce of remorse. He has allowed me for almost three years to go through the debilitating pain of putting all the pieces together on my own. He still very much behaves like a "new WAS" telling me we can't be married (um, yeah, I gathered that) and all the usual BS you hear from a spouse when they first walk away.
I won't say he has done zero work on himself but I will say I don't see it if he has. Honestly, to see him makes me feel ill when I think of what has gone down. It's not hate or sadness really, just disgust.
The past two anniversaries (while he was with OW no less) he has contacted me to say *something* and how this day will always mean everything to him and he never thought things would turn out this way. Pure crap!
Ugh, I need this day to be over.
LOL, no you don't sound nuts CG.
Can I ask you a question? Did you ever tell your H that all you ever wanted was a sincere apology from him? Does he know that's what it would have taken for you to begin to forgive him?
I completely understand what you're saying about your H doing such unimaginable things. The WAS does seem to have a mind of their own don't they? You know my sitch. My W has done several things that make me think she is on another planet sometimes. It's hurtful to have the one you love do these things to you.
Has your H ever been the kind of person to say he was sorry for anything? Maybe he has trouble expressing himself? You mentioned your H causing you pain for three years. Yes, I can relate. Unfortunately I didn't realize the pain I caused my W for two years until the day she walked out the door. The hardest part is not knowing what to do to make it right. How does the one who caused so much pain try to reestablish contact without pushing them away again? I guess that's the answer so many of us are looking for here. Maybe your H is trying to find a way to get to you?
The support and advice we all get from this board is great but in the end we all need to make decisions and do what is best for us. I've observed so much in my sitch and from others as well. It seems like such a game that couples play with each other. I believe they play these games as a way to deflect the hurt they feel. Seems like such a waste to me.
I guess what I am trying to say is if you still have feelings for your H then maybe give yourself more time and see what happens. If he continues to try to contact you ask him why he's doing it? You said you think it was because he wants something. Maybe use the direct approach and simply ask him. I think I'm going to start a similar process with my W. Just be honest and direct with her, no more games. If she's at a place that she can be honest and communicate with me then great but if not then I'll need to decide whether or not to give more time to the sitch or move on.
I've read a lot on here lately about forgiveness. One thing that stuck with me is that forgiveness is not just about forgiving some things. True forgiveness is about forgiving all things.
I hope you do what makes you happy CG.
Now, no more coffee and get some sleep.
CG,
Tell us how you really feel
.
I am so sorry that you are having such a bad day. I feel for you so much. It is just awful that he will not give you so much as a sorry that you deserve. I guess WAS just do not see the hurt and pain that they cause. I hate the justification for their poor decisions.
The things that your H did to you are just plain wrong. You are such a great person the way you are with me and everyone else here. He will be losing you for someone that seems to care more about herself than anyone.
Tomorrow is a new day, and I hope it is much better for you. You certainly deserve so much happiness.
CG -
Hiya, Girlfriend!
This is going to initially sound... Coarse, but not meant to be. Stick w/me...
Do you think the reason you haven't heard an apology might be because he's just plain, not sorry!? I ask this because you mention him still hurling comments typical of new WAS's. He's just not sorry, yet.
So... You need to continue on your path, without detour, based on anyone else's input or affect. And, it appears you do that magnificently!
I just plain, don't think, he is sorry.
Isn't that gross?
Love ya!
(pardon me if I sound nuts, I am hopped up on coffee way too late!)
ALL and I do mean ALL my H ever had to do was look me in the eye and say I am sorry.
Not "I am sorry BUT..... not "I am sorry <insert cliech, BS or crazy justification here>
Just one plain old "I'm sorry".
That doesn't mean we would be friends or anything else but for ME it would really go a long way.
I could almost get over the affair. What I am not sure I could ever get over was how he treated me when I got sick. I didn't expect him to come running back or take care of me but to take all the money and the car is still unthinkable to me.
My H has never shown me an ounce of remorse. He has allowed me for almost three years to go through the debilitating pain of putting all the pieces together on my own. He still very much behaves like a "new WAS" telling me we can't be married (um, yeah, I gathered that) and all the usual BS you hear from a spouse when they first walk away.
I won't say he has done zero work on himself but I will say I don't see it if he has. Honestly, to see him makes me feel ill when I think of what has gone down. It's not hate or sadness really, just disgust.
The past two anniversaries (while he was with OW no less) he has contacted me to say *something* and how this day will always mean everything to him and he never thought things would turn out this way. Pure crap!
Ugh, I need this day to be over.
Yea C.G. I can definitely understand this entire post right here.
I guess that's what hurts the most with me. When I get really sick you just walk out and leave me.
You needed my help and then totally stop speaking to me.
I'm really really sorry you're going through this. You have helped me and countless others with our sitches and I just want you to be happy.
CG,
You've been such a strong person for others. Take care of your needs.
hugs
Oh BTW. Speaking of apologies, I actually told my W tonight I needed one from her. Not necessarily to hear that she was wrong, but to show that I could trust her. Since her boss (the OM) came to my working place and tried to get me fired she hasn't had any reaction to my feelings.
Well F* that. I decided to do what DB says in the book. To ask for what I need. After explaining to her, she said she understood. She sounded sad. But oh well. I said my piece and it was good to get it off my chest.
Thanks, all!
New day and I am laughing as I read my posts from last night... so annoyed I was over nothing! I got up early today (and went to bed way too late!) and cleaned my kitchen, took the dog for a long walk, paid bills and went to yoga. Now I am ready to work for the day and have dinner with my sister and my neighbor tonight. Today's mantra... NO MORE BS!
I am sure my H was just feeling nostalgic last night. It happens. I have experienced it myself but don't contact him when I am feeling that way.
My H has apologized to me in an indirect way but it is always followed by something (a but, excuse or something else). He has told me he never meant to hurt me (okay but you did hurt me!) and he once told me he only can see things through his bubble and he is just not ready to see anything more. He also told me recently that it has been over two years and I should be over it and not hurt anymore. LOL!
I posted this before but in Jan. 2009 he saw a "counselor" three times for guilt. She told him if you just say you are sorry but explain your side of it (IOW: it is okay to justify) then the guilt will go away and it falls on the other person. Nuts, right?
I will always have some sort of feeling for my H. I am not sure I can articulate the feelings but we were married for 10 years, together for 13 years and that equates to 1/3 of our lives.
Last Nov. my H told me he would do whatever he had to do to earn my trust and respect back then I never heard from him again. So, I don't put any stock in his words as his actions never seem to match what he says.
Thanks for the support! Find joy today! xoxoxoxo
I wanted to send you hugs sweetie!! xoxo
Well, H started texting me again. He said he was sorry about last night and he just figured I would be at the event. He said he thinks about me all the time but his thoughts of me are especially powerful when he goes somewhere we used to go.
I waited a bit and texted him back that I really didn't have a response and certain thoughts happen from time to time.
No word since, lol!
"So may you forgive as you've been forgiven, may you give to others what's been given to you, may you set someone free and find out that it was you, and may you do it today, because you might not have the chance tomorrow."
I feel just fine! I am sure he feels stupid today (I would, lol!) so no worries. My guess is he had a few beers in him last night and lost his mind for a minute.
Off to walk the dog and have dinner with my sister and friend!
I don't know why I felt so nutty the past few days but now I feel better. What else can I do?
I feel just fine! I am sure he feels stupid today (I would, lol!) so no worries. My guess is he had a few beers in him last night and lost his mind for a minute.
Off to walk the dog and have dinner with my sister and friend!
I don't know why I felt so nutty the past few days but now I feel better. What else can I do?
Yeah, def a drunkie moment. He probably doesn't remember all of it lol and is just piecing it together lol
Glad you are having a wonderful evening. I hope your good mood is contagious. I need some!
Thanks, Drew!
It's not as if I hate him and I do think I have achieved some level of forgiveness (for me really) but I am not all the way there yet.
What is stunning to me is how he can just text me like nothing has happened. The last text he sent (aside from this week) was how he was moving in with his mistress and how super happy he was and how things were going so great.
IMO texting things like that is simply mean (about his R I mean). I am sure he doesn't think it's mean but IMO it's unnecessary and simply creates a bigger divide. A "hey, I am moving here is my new address" would have been more appropriate IMO.
Paraphrasing ....
Forgiving does not mean forgetting. There are people in our lives who are toxic. They will continue to hurt us over and over and we need to protect ourselves from that. But that doesn't mean we can't forgive them. When we can get to the point that we can wish them peace, we've reached a point of forgiveness. We have set them free, and in doing so, set ourselves free. They now longer have that power over us.
I got it! I know. It is something I hope to fully achieve one day. I do wish him peace because honestly, I am not sure he really has peace right now. I have a certain measure of peace but not that full feeling of peace I hope to have one day.
I will keep working at it!
As will I.
It is a process, that is for sure!
How ya been, Drew? Long time no see!
I'm good. Busy with work and life.
I read here more than post and not even as much of that anymore.
I'm in a different part of my life now and coming here ... well, it hurts sometimes. Brings up past wounds that are better left healed. While I'm a big fan of "paying it forward", sometimes it feels that my words fall on deaf ears of people who are in the middle of their crisis. And I am in no way minimizing their pain, because I was there. And I made it through. Just not in the way most people here want to hear.
So I peek in. I read. I listen. I occasionally try to help. But more so, I try to get them to help themselves.
I made friends here that I cherish to this day. They know who they are. Some don't even know that I'm their friend, but I kind of like it that way.
And I didn't mean to hijack your thread!!!
Glad you are doing well! Balance is necessary!
Stop by anytime... I always appreciate your pearls of wisdom and "drewness"
And I'm pretty much the strongest guy you know .....
Good memory!
And totally so!
Hey CG, just catching up.
What struck me about the latest exchange is that H just doesn't get "no contact" because he knows that he can wear you down and eventually you will say something.
Here's a thought: can you block his phone numbers? Then all contact would be restricted to email and you can set up a filter to send him to a folder so you can read them on your schedule.
You know I think you're awesome and you'll be happy and successful in life even with these little bumps in the road.
Just popping in to say hello!
Today is my 11 year wedding anniversary.
My H texted me our secret code word for "I love you".
I waited about an hour and texted him back. I wasn't going to but I thought why in hell sit here and stew.
My text to him: While I am sure you sent this text with the best of intentions I feel it is very insensitive given the choices you made to text me on what should have been our 11 yr. wedding anniversary.
As I suspected he didn't text back. I am sure he is thinking what a bitch I am after he did *such* a nice thing. Unreal.
This is the THIRD wedding anniversary we have been apart, the third wedding anniversary he has been with OW and the third anniversary he contacted me.
He has NO regard for my feelings. NONE. And he thinks he is being nice.
Today is my 11 year wedding anniversary.
My H texted me our secret code word for "I love you".
My jaw dropped when I read this. HOW INSENSITIVE!!!! HOW SELFISH!!! Grrrrrrr!!!
I waited about an hour and texted him back. I wasn't going to but I thought why in hell sit here and stew.
and you know what? sometimes we just need to do what we feel! 180s might be good practice even when you aren't busting a divorce, but then we are human and should be allowed to express our emotions at opportune times!
My text to him: While I am sure you sent this text with the best of intentions I feel it is very insensitive given the choices you made to text me on what should have been our 11 yr. wedding anniversary.
As I suspected he didn't text back. I am sure he is thinking what a bitch I am after he did *such* a nice thing. Unreal.
I didn't think that was bitchy at all. Although, I anticipated that you might say something bitchy because I WOULD HAVE TOO! But when I read it, I thought "that was very civil of City and she could have said 'f you, a hole!'" not that you really would have said that- you don't sound trashy! But my point is you were calm and polite and stating your feelings. Well done.
This is the THIRD wedding anniversary we have been apart, the third wedding anniversary he has been with OW and the third anniversary he contacted me.
How did you respond to the last 2 times?
He has NO regard for my feelings. NONE. And he thinks he is being nice.
This is what just baffles me about the cheaters! I have seen this in others' cases as well! And in my own! They think they are being nice when it just makes it worse. I think WN reminded me that they can't see past their nose and it is true.
Hang in there, City!
CG,
Very good response to him.
That is not funny or sweet what he texted you on a day that meant something to you and still probably does. He sounds like a real "cold-hearted" person to me.
I wish you the best with these difficult days.
WASs have no regards for the LBS. They are really insensitive and selfish.
Keep taking care of yourself.
CG, hope you're doing well and staying away from those panick attacks.
As for the text...he's with OW and he's sending you 'i love you'? sigh- they're in their own little world. I don't know though sometimes it's just satisfying in a way to see how screwed up they really are...
((hugs))