Hi everyone. About 2 Mos ago on DHs 32nd Birthday, after having spent 12 years together, (5 of them married), he decided to have "the talk" with me. He doesnt love me, find me attractive, is scared, wants help/therapy, wants to try to make it work. Let me preface other details by saying we are in a MASSIVELY Horrible financial situation. (net worth is -300k). DH has to crawl to his dad each month to borrow mortgage money. I SHOULD have gotten a job a lot sooner. I am pursuing it NOW but am not sure can get in time.
Anyhow, DH may have had a MLC, (i believe he did, he does not). Since he is younger then most Men in MLC, i think most of the tests etc that he agreed to take are scewed b/c questions are irrelevant to his age group. We have NO kids. I can post some other things he has been saying to help realize if its indeed MLC or not?
3-4 times in past 2 mo's, he threatened to leave (half he was drunk, half just tired/late). One of them that was REALLY bad was yesterday/last night. I spent the whole day out w/ my MOM trying to work on me, and rebuilding my own life. I think DH might have been alone all day. Not sure. He is in real estate, so hes not always able to work. Even though he does have some good high end closings in mid-DEC, money is non existent now except for a P/T job i have w/ my dad.
So, i get home after spending the whole day out. Happy as can be. DH is no where to be found. Mind you, we just had sex yesterday morning (clearly just sex, nothing more). I let it go, didnt read into it, and just Messaged his cell that i was home. Heard nothing. Sent some more messages, wondering about dinner plans?.
Finally, Called my sister and best friend concerned when it got dark. I started crying and getting lonely. Called DH cell, no answer. Finally left a message, and several more texts (i know those are big NO NO's... i was/am so so weak).
Finally, my best friend meets me to comfort me and we get coffee so im not alone. I get home 11pm, DH still MIA. Texts me finally that he is "not coming home. go to bed. im busy". Another text "stop calling me!" another "Im Done! No more Imago BS. No more talking." (ugh....) Finally after enough calling and having left a voice mail, at 2:00 AM today, he answers saying "I am not having a Midlife crisis!!! WTF... etc".
I immediately diffuse the situation by saying- first of all, thank you for answering. I really appreciate it. Then, i asked if he is OK and where he is if he doesnt mind saying? (he was 1 town over where he likes to drive around). I said "everything he was feeling was right, and i agreed w/ most of it". I said that "9:10, heck 10:10, he was right about things, so he obviously must be right about us right now too needing to divorce". He said, after long pauses of silence... how "well, im not always right. I bought that house didnt i?". I said "true". I agreed to everything he said. Didnt bring up much myself. Did cry once, but tried to stay strong.
I told him i had a job interview today, (i might) and i really needed my sleep. He inquired about the job. I told him. He said "well, if i come home and sleep on the fouton, will that help you sleep for tomorrow?". I said "Yes, likely it would". I told him i would make the bed for him. I left him a cup of tea and his Toothbrush, went to bed, did not wait up for him.
Im sitting in my room, alone this morning, feeling like the loneliest woman in the universe. I am not sure what to do! I feel so defeated. As of yesterday, we had been getting breakfast together almost daily. We did have our house on the market. Thats not going well. Also, I thought i might be pregnant, and LIKE AN IDIOT, despite our progress, despite DH actually bringing up Thanksgiving tomorrow and what we should do (WOW) i told him about possibly being pregnant. I took another preg test and it was negetive. I could scream at myself for constantly sabotaging my efforts.
Much of this, however, i know is out of my control, and is purely DH's worry.
Im showing DH that i have a major change of heart, and am considering the divorce b/c its what he wants, and i love him and want to do what he wants. Should I not be saying this? What on earth can i do at this point, when i fear he may leave. However, i know he has no where to go. I can see him staying in this large house w/ me for a time.....
Do i suggest a trial seperation in our own home? Do i ignore everything and do the book as best I can?
Please dear friends help me.... i was almost done in yesterday. Im so tired. This is so hard.
Thank you so much. This is getting so tiring for ME. Also, for my friends, my Mom, and others involved.
DH?
What does DH stand for?
Depressed Husband?
i am so sorry you are here and going through this.....i am right there with you
have been up all night, can't eat or think straight
i am new to this and as of yet can only offer my best thoughts to you and tell you to read the book and try to stay strong
Dear or darling husband. Actually, however, since he isnt EITHER of those things, no more using that !!
GRR: thanks and im sorry your going through this too.
I left this morning while he was still asleep to see my mother. I am thinking of a) staying w/ her a few days or b) staying here during the day, and going home to sleep in my bed at night time.
Not sure what yet.
Kind of funny- I am going out of my way NOT to text H, and my cell must have hit against my bag and i sent him about 20 texts with the letter "P". It made me laugh. Not sure if he will respond back to that. ! LOL
I did the same thing you did when my H left. I called and texted him thinking the close I got the more he would see how much I loved him. THEN I found DR and read it. Man, I feel like an idiot!!
Hang in there, I am new at this and there are many more people that are much better at advice.
Sorry you have to be here, MindsEye. Welcome, though. Stop everything you're doing, read the books, and wait for the more experienced to show up and guide you. And most importantly...listen when they speak to you.
Bumping thread for some veterans advice
Thanks. This whole thing is making every nerve ending in my body feel so fried.
H just left to go to gym, asked me if im going to be around today... wants to "talk" for about an hour. "just normal stuff" he said. Im so nervous...have no idea what he is going to say.
Wish me luck. Hopefully its just about finances, etc. We shall see.
Mind ~
Just checking in on you today to make sure you are ok...
Did your talk with H go ok?
Ok, so just had "the talk". "the talk" was him giving me a packet to file divorce, and a info packet on a "do it yourself" divorce through the mail. He just handed it to me.
I thankfully had prepared a letter, and had some things to read him. He took notes while I read. He got really angry w/ anything to do w/ "reasons not to divorce". he wrote those down. After, we discussed his issues. Then, we took a walk, and vented. It felt really good i think for both of us. Its the most honest we've ever been with each other. I just went with it.
Im still in shock. I told him that i want to do a few things before even considering the divorce. I want to both get individual counseling, and try to finish the Imago just for principle (skip over some stuff we don't like) but we both have unresolved issues about childhood due to the exercises... Then, were going to figure out what to do from there, what to do w/ the house (he doesn't want to sell right away, says we should rent for now), get our credit in better shape and do a controlled separation if that is still the way we want to go. He didn't want to give me any hope, but implied that if our financial situation got better, which is what he is soooo angry about, that this would never have happened.
He did a ton of blaming. He explained how I "played" him by not working after we married/college. I actually had to agree, i went into a funk after my dads job disappeared. He said it was all downhill from there. I felt a huge sense of relief however, right now i feel relieved.
We hugged, and kissed gently, and then he had to work. so that is it for now.. thanks a million!! I will look for your advice.
Ok, so just had "the talk". "the talk" was him giving me a packet to file divorce, and a info packet on a "do it yourself" divorce through the mail. He just handed it to me.
Walk-away spouses can go file for themselves. I'd hand him that packet back at the earliest opportunity.
He did a ton of blaming. He explained how I "played" him by not working after we married/college. I actually had to agree, i went into a funk after my dads job disappeared. He said it was all downhill from there. I felt a huge sense of relief however, right now i feel relieved.
Of course he did. He is in the middle of rewriting history. All you should be doing is validating: "I can understand why you feel that way". If you don't disagree with him, he can't fight with you.
If he tries to get you to agree to any kind of decision, say "I'll have to think about it and get back to you." Do not budge on this; you have a right to consider your decisions carefully.
We hugged, and kissed gently, and then he had to work.
Why are you being physically affectionate with someone who has just read you the riot act, blamed you for all of the problems in the marriage, and handed you a freaking divorce packet?
That needs to stop, effective immediately. Have some respect for yourself.
If your H wants a divorce, HE should be the one to file. Let him do the work. It's what he wants, not you, right?
Agreeing with issues he has with you isn't the same as caving in to the dissolution of your M when you believe in it. Validate his feelings, but don't get pushed around, either.
This is my suggestion, so take it w/ a grain of salt, but I think it's time for LRT. If you haven't read DR (or DB), do it now and start detachment. If I'd had the sense to do that when my W hit me w/ the news, I'd probably be in a different situation right now.
You cannot change his mind right now, so don't try. Become unavailable and let him do the work if he wants to end the R.
Hi sweetie,
Sorry to hear you had "the talk" BIG HUGS.
A statement to make:
"I do not want a D. I see many other options. But if D is the only way for you to be happy, I will not stand in your way"
If your H wants a divorce, HE should be the one to file. Let him do the work. It's what he wants, not you, right?
Agreeing with issues he has with you isn't the same as caving in to the dissolution of your M when you believe in it. Validate his feelings, but don't get pushed around, either.
This is my suggestion, so take it w/ a grain of salt, but I think it's time for LRT. If you haven't read DR (or DB), do it now and start detachment. If I'd had the sense to do that when my W hit me w/ the news, I'd probably be in a different situation right now.
You cannot change his mind right now, so don't try. Become unavailable and let him do the work if he wants to end the R.
Very wise advise. Read it, live it.
Everything will be counter intuitive, so it is very important to listen to the wise advise here.
Pursuing him WILL DRIVE HIM AWAY. Pursuing includes reasoning. The sooner you set him free, the better the odds he will change his mind and pursue YOU. When he pursues you, DO NOT STOP DOING WHAT IS WORKING. Let him continue to chase.
It is very important for you to work on YOU right now and make positive changes.
With that said,
What changes to YOU (thoughts,words and actions etc) would be positive 180's?
I find it stunning to this day that a WAS will bomb drop and then even entertain the thought of the LBS participating in the divorce as if it was a joint decision. If there was *one* thing I could ever fully understand that would be what I would choose.
His desire to divorce, his job to get one. He (just as mine did) spent enough time pre-bomb plotting his exit while acting like I was the love of his life, well, let his plotting continue all on his own.
My H asked me for MONTHS how WE should proceed and my answer made him crazy. I simply told him I would not help him get divorced and would comply as the law required me to once he filed.
Do what you think is best but I would not suggest you agree to any sort of "controlled separation". The entire concept is idiotic and a sneaky way for the WAS to move out while looking like the "good guy" who is "trying" and just "needs space". When my H broached the controlled separation he went so far as to pull out a list of how we should handle it and he fooled me good. Months later he admitted to me it was just a way to move out. Most WAS use the ideal of a "controlled separation" to move out and/or to dedicate more time to their affair or to pursue a new person.
No hugs, no kisses ESPECIALLY after he hands you a divorce packet and bashes you for the entire demise of your marriage.
I find it stunning to this day that a WAS will bomb drop and then even entertain the thought of the LBS participating in the divorce as if it was a joint decision. If there was *one* thing I could ever fully understand that would be what I would choose.
Agreed, CG. It defies logic. But then, so does everything else a WAS does.
My WAW will
have to have my cooperation. And she won’t get it.
No enabling. You want to destroy this marriage? It’s your barbeque. Put on an apron and start cookin’.
This puts the WAS in a very awkward and unexpected position. He/she had not planned on this.
Thanks all, im just back to check in.
We did end up going the Controlled separation route. I was not sure what to do. I have the option to terminate it at any time. We set it up for 6 months. The thing is, we have had sex twice since deciding this. We outlined it all in the contract. Am i a idiot to be doing this w/ him? We also outlined that dating outside is OK for both (i do not plan to, and H says that he is not actively going to pursue anyone but in the event he meets someone and wants to start a "friendship" and see how he feels). I do not like it at all, but since doing this, he seems to question the D more...he keeps asking me "what does this mean" or "can i buy you flowers or chocolates without you reading into it?"... I am really happy that he agreed to see a therapist. Actually, i told him I was going to see one, and he asked if he could see her too. I told him i had a good referral for a guy (who specializes in mens issues and MLC), so i really hope he goes! that would be great.
I am going to give this CS a shot... it at least has put the D idea on the back burner. I dont know what else to do. We are forced to live in the same house and will likely do so for a few months until it sells as we are both totally strapped financially.
I know it sounds like H is having an affair, but i really do not believe he is. He promised that he would never "cheat" unless i allowed it (does this make sense?). So, technically, I am now allowing it. I wonder if he will feel the urge still to pursue anyone outside the M.
I am going to individual counseling also starting in a few days... i certainly feel so worn down by all of this, i am not sleeping and not really eating, so i think outside help is certainly required.
Hello:
I have to say that I can totally understand why you are going along with this "controlled sep", but ask yourself: do you deserve this? no, you don't. and just the fact that he is even suggesting seeing other people (married people DO NOT "see" other people) tells me something is up. YOU DON'T DESERVE THIS!! in DB speak, this is cake-eating. He can't have it both ways and you do not need to tolerate it. You are scared and that in my opinion is why you agreed to this "contract". in your heart, I am sure you know it's total bs. Puppy (a frequent person on this site) I am SURE will tell you that there is probably an affair or at least someone he would like to pursue (puppy, don't be mad if I am pegging this wrong!). my ex h said the same things to me, there was no one else, blah, blah. well, sure enough, not only was there someone else, but it was someone he had been pursuing for over 6 months!! I'm not trying to scare or upset you, but the truth will eventually set you free as hard as it it. and there is a light at the end of this. I am living proof. PLEASE re-read the books (Divorce busting) and do LRT and GAL FOR YOU!! You are worth it and REGARDLESS of what your h decides YOU can create a great life for YOURSELF. KNow this. I realize this is agony right now, I've been through it as all of us have here. REad stories on this site to keep you going. It really helps. Use this site to journal, vent, ask questions. You are not alone. I'm glad you are going into therapy and posssibly mc, but the point is, and this is the hardest thing, you cannot force or change another's mind. only your actions and SHOWING that you are strong and FINE no matter what HE decides is the answer here.
hello MindsEye-
Get reading DR. Uncouple yourself from your H not out of spite but out of love for yourself (if you are not used to loving yourself then great emphasis needs to be placed on this since the one who you figured would be by your side is fully adrift) and out of love for him.
For right now cease entirely trying to "win" your H back. Your current H is not one you would want to "win" back. Therefore you work entirely on yourself ..yourself .. yourself. Start planning things out with you as the central focus in order to get back under control that which is the only certainty to control .. you .. you ..you! If personal strength and confidence is very elusive to you now then plug away at this until you have achieved this objective.
Lastly but far from it to me personally or I would surely be hypocritical or something is the belief that the good Lord in heaven well see you through this and all great challenges in life. Not sure how you sit or stand on this being mentioned but enlisting the help of the Almighty achieves peace, stability and success. Your H is most assuredly adrift, .. the Lord never is.
Be well. You will be prayed for.
Ted
ME - Pray. Pray for guidance, strength, His love, support, and clarity. I have found that when I am in a tough spot a quick prayer relaxes me.
additionally MindsEye, whether you like challnges in life (as I do) I surely do not know. You did not sign up for this challenge it picked you. Get strapped in now cuz if you are steadfast about fighting for your M then you are in for one heck of a battle. Just about any way of handling things that you have used in the past will need to be left in the past. The fact that you are on this site in one sense is great because it means that
1) We have another defender of M (makes me happy) ..
2) You will be learning a ton about yourself and growing
enormously both consciously and unconsciously
3) You will meet new people and expand on existing friendships
because your H is giving you a gift (not weighing you down
fully with his burdens and troubles..strange as it may seem,
it's true)
Be prepared for things to take a long while before they make sense. The fact that things that you will be instructed to do when you read the book and receive suggestions from fellow DB faithful does not seem to be at all what you believe will work needs to be ignored and you need to act against your natural instincts. Nobody likes to be out of control. The longer that you stay afraid of losing something that you don't really have (your H) the further the control of your own life (that which you do control) will be lost.
Stick with you. Believe in yourself. Your H is being a moron currently. He needs a lesson, you could be the one to teach him (by example). You need to make the most of what is all around you in life. A solid, rational-minded H has "left the building".
Grieve on this as you accept this then excel at life. Happiness will come! Do not doubt it or you.
God bless you.
Ted
Try to prepare yourself for the rollercoaster ride ahead. You'll have several days when you feel strong and sure that you'll be better off one way or the other, then suddenly, out of the blue, you'll have a day when the pain swells up and engulfs you all over again. It sucks, big time. At least if you're prepared for it when you have a bad day, you can recognize that you'll have good days again.
Thanks all, i appreciate it.
Since were doing a CS, its awkward. We bump into each other at home. H gives me hugs and kisses still. I kind of avoid doing that. Today, he actually asked me "do i have to give you hugs/kisses? how does this work?" I said "you dont have to do anything". he reached out to give me a hug and a light kiss.
he thinks this is all funny. I told him my uncle called and said "hi" and H says "haha, oh i guess he didn't get the memo". (about us). He considers us "broken up" i think, since were doing a CS. I am trying to keep this together, but it feels useless.
He is showing to me that he is a royal AHOLE.
Oh, and I asked him again, please, no hickeys on my neck. he started to say "oh why, you dont want someone to see them" and then says "well, it was just begging for it. i couldnt help it"... and "you got my arm" and i said, "yeah, but i asked you NOT to do that. theres a difference, please dont do that next time".
Im practicing "pushing" him back a bit. I only skimmed through DB, and while i dont want to get my hopes up, i really need to go back to it.
And, now he asked me if im home later to talk about "Bills"? How convenient. He is such a CHILD.
And, he comes in ranting about how he got stuck in the gym w/ a gay guy this morning...and how hes not going to work out in the am anymore unless its really early.. and goes on excitedly telling me this whole story.
Do i humor his stories and tales? Should i be glad he wants to speak w/ me? I dont have to be overly nice to be attentive right?
What is a controlled separation?