She Lost Her Love For Me - Now What?

Hello,

I am new to this board but I have read many posts and they seemed helpful. I am hoping that writing about what I am going through will help me.

I have been married 4 and half years to my beautiful wife. Two weeks ago she simply emailed me at work one day and said she is not happy and has not been happy for a while. She feels claustrophobic in our marriage and feels like I control her too much. She says I have taken her for granted and she has spent the last 7 years taking care of me and nobody takes care of her. These are the core complaints she has about me.

This morning we went over the finances and agreed to let her get her own checking account and she would give me the money that I need to pay the bills on paydays. She says she always felt out of touch with the money and that I controlled the purse strings. She works full time and I can understand her wanting to have her own money. Having separate checking accounts seem strange to me but I have heard it works out for other couples, so I am willing to try it if it will help her.

I told her how sorry I was for making her unhappy and for the past 2 weeks have been trying to make efforts to change and make her happy (doing more house work and trying to take care of her more). She told me that she does not believe the change will last and feels it is too little too late. She says she doesn't feel like she is in love anymore and needs time away from me to figure things out for herself.

We do not have any kids together as she cannot have children. I have older kids from a previous marriage. We do have 3 little dogs that we treat as our kids. She says she cannot decide if she wants to move to her mothers house or just have us live in separate rooms in our house. For now I have moved my stuff into the spare bedroom and bathroom.

My friends and family are telling me to giver her space and she will miss me and come back to me after she gets her head cleared and realizes what she is throwing away. I just feel lonely, sad, scared and depressed. I want her back to being my loving wife again and let me prove to her that I can make her happy.

I am sure I left out things but maybe I can post more later.

Thanks for whoever is reading this.

Sounds similar to what I am going through right now. One thing I can suggest that I didnt do from the beginning, dont make her think you are so needy. Dont contact her to often, dont plead to her about working things out, dont keep telling her you love her. I did all of these things the first 2 weeks my wife moved out and I may have pushed her to far back where she is never coming back. I started reading DR book last week, I am more than halfway through it. I suggest you pickup a copy, it has some great info in it. My W and I also dont have children, so thats a big plus if we do end up getting a divorce. I love my wife dearly and hope that giving her space, she will eventually realize that what we had was good and the past year shouldnt throw 9 years of marriage away. BTW, my wife said that after 3 days of moving out, she realized she didnt want to make the marriage work. I think she got a taste of independent life. I still have hope she may miss me and come back.

Good luck.

I really hope your wife changes her mind I know what you are going through. I made all the mistakes too. I am going to the bookstore today to get the book. I think my wife does want some independence as well but I am hoping she will figure out how to do that and stay married to me.

Thanks for posting.

Originally Posted By: LoveHerSoMuch

I want her back to being my loving wife again and let me prove to her that I can make her happy.

LHSM,

This is a tough lesson to learn (I know -- I was (and still am) a lot like you), but you cannot "make" ANYONE happy. They have to make themselves happy.

Have you read anything about co-dependency and enmeshment? Just reading this one post, and seeing what you selected as your username, I'm thinking this may benefit you more than anything.

Are you sure there's no one else? Her words sure fit the script.

Puppy

LHSM - sorry that you have joined us here but you will get some good advice. Hang on to your breeches though as I have a positive and a negative for you. First, the negative:

Originally Posted By: LoveHerSoMuch

This morning we went over the finances and agreed to let her get her own checking account.

Having separate checking accounts seem strange to me but I have heard it works out for other couples, so I am willing to try it if it will help her.

Why on earth in the 21st Century do you have to "agree" to her getting her own checking account? This is outdated, unreasonable and (as far as I see it) controlling behaviour!! It's like something out of the Flintstones. Sorry man but it is perfectly normal in the world in which I live for both partners to have accounts of their own, if that's what they want - a joint one too of course for the bills etc. but PLEASE give her some independence on this ... she works full time, that means she has her own wage. Definitely let her get that account - in fact, go open it TODAY!!

I'm really sorry if those words seem harsh - they are not meant to hurt but just give a female perspective. Now, an apology again as I am rushing out the door to work. However, I thought that you may benefit from my bank of quotes, which I have been building from the board for several months now. When I lose it completely, I go back to these quotes and it helps. Please change the gender to suit your situation, of course! There is a lot of reading here, but a whole lot of wisdom. Good luck!

H is viewing through the lense of someone who has already decided to leave and is looking for evidence to back that decision up. He only sees the bad right now.

STOP REACTING. If you do react, WAH is STILL WINNING. Stop it NOW.

It's not up to you to meet all of their needs. Rather, your job is to love this person, honor, and respect them. You're not their parent or problem-solver.

When you have interaction with your H, be interested, but don't pursue him.

Know that it is a long row to hoe.

Detach, until he feels you are gone. That is what will "shake things up"

Detachment is a choice. Detachment can be faked (and should be if necessary) Detachment has more to do with the WS's perception than it does with your own feelings of being detached. Doesn't matter as much whether you "feel" you are detached as long as the WS perceives that you are.

I can't do XYZ - already have plans - maybe another time?

If you choose ow then so be it. I am fine without you and as a matter of fact, I think it's for the best (me dumping him)

Firm, strong, confident, resolved

This is your mess, you need to clean it up. My patience won't last forever

I've worked for my marriage - changed attitudes, beliefs ME. I have invested time energy and focus.

Short, blunt, mysterious

1.Do not pursue, reason, chase, beg, plead or implore!
2. No frequent phone calls to him/her.......let him/her be the one to call you. Then don't try to hang on to him/her through
conversation.....say good-bye first.
3. Do not point out good points in marriage or try to get him/her to read marriage books, etc.
4. Do not follow him/her around the house like a puppy dog trying to get his/her time and attention. (Remember, you are drawing him/her back with this technique.)
5. Do not encourage talk about the future.
6. Do not ask for help from family members.
7. Do not ask for reassurances (That is showing neediness and
being clingy.)
8. Do not buy gifts. (Can't buy his/her love and affection.)
9. Do not schedule dates together. (That is pursuing.)
10.Do not spy on spouse. (Not good for you and will make
matters worse.)
11.Do not say "I Love You" (It is being "pushy" and trying to
make him/her say it too......he/she will despise you for it.)
12.Act as if you are moving on with your life!
13.Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and attractive at all times!
14.Don't sit around waiting on your spouse � get busy, do
things, go to church, go out with friends, etc.
15.When at home with your spouse, (if you usually start the
conversation---then don't, wait for him/her) then, be scarce or
short on words. If he/she asks what's wrong....just
say "nothing". Keep it short and simple. Don't get into an
argument! Stay polite and don� t act like you are pouting.
16.If you are in the habit of asking your spouse his/her
whereabouts, ASK NOTHING!! No matter what time he/she comes home!
17.You need to make your partner think that you have had an
awakening and, as far as you are concerned, you are going to
move on with your life, with or without your spouse.
18.Do not be nasty, angry or even cold - just pull back and wait
to see if spouse notices and, more important, realize what he/she will be missing. (But never ask him/her if he/she has noticed any changes!!)
19.No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse
happiness and contentment. Show him/her someone he/she would want to be around, somebody that is attractive and fun.
20.All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until
your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while)
21.Never lose your cool! Don't let him/her trap you into a fight.
22.Don't be overly enthusiastic b/c it will come across as fake.
23.Do not argue about how he/she feels (it only makes his/her feelings more negative.)
24.Be patient......very, very patient. Give him/her space and time.
25.Listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you
26.Learn to back off, shut up and walk away when you want to
speak out (or scream and yell).
27.Take care of yourself (exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all
the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil)
28.Be strong and confident and learn to speak softly. Read self
help books, inspirational books or listen to tapes.
29.Know that if you can do 180's, your smallest CONSISTENT
actions will be noticed much more than any words you can say
or write.
30.Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting
more than ever and are desperate and needy
31.Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse
32.Do not believe any of what you hear and less than 50% of what
you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives because
he/she is hurting and scared.
33.Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel.
34.Do not backslide from your hard earned changes.

Finding peace in oneself makes us whole. We can't successfully live with another if we can't live by ourselves. We can't successfully love another if we can't love ourselves. The point isn't whether D is right its that you'll be happy, healthy and strong no matter which path your marriage ultimately follows.

Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Are you sure there's no one else? Her words sure fit the script.

Puppy

I am pretty darn sure about that at this point. She is just not that type of person. I could be wrong but I don't think so.

Originally Posted By: Eskimo Nell

Why on earth in the 21st Century do you have to "agree" to her getting her own checking account? This is outdated, unreasonable and (as far as I see it) controlling behaviour!! It's like something out of the Flintstones. Sorry man but it is perfectly normal in the world in which I live for both partners to have accounts of their own,

I agree with you EN. I was just raised differently as so was she. When we got married we got a joint account because that just seemed like the normal thing to do for both of us. Now I can see how she can feel controlled by the finances if I am paying the bills and she does not have the freedom to go spend money when she wants to. I wish I would have done this with her a long time ago, it just never occurred to me.

Quote:

quote]Are you sure there's no one else? Her words sure fit the script.

Puppy

I am pretty darn sure about that at this point. She is just not that type of person.

[/quote]

Neither was I.

Originally Posted By: LoveHerSoMuch

Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Are you sure there's no one else? Her words sure fit the script.

Puppy

I am pretty darn sure about that at this point. She is just not that type of person. I could be wrong but I don't think so.

That's fine, so long as you are careful and you're basing it on something OBJECTIVE, and not that part I have highlighted in red above. Cuz we've ALL said that -- famous last words!

And if she IS involved with anyone, now would NOT be the time to be giving her MORE control over the family's finances. In fact, it would be time to be protecting yourself financially.

Puppy

Originally Posted By: sandi2

Quote:

quote]Are you sure there's no one else? Her words sure fit the script.

Puppy

I am pretty darn sure about that at this point. She is just not that type of person.

Neither was I.

[/quote]

Neither was my wife.

Originally Posted By: sandi2

Quote:

quote]Are you sure there's no one else? Her words sure fit the script.

Puppy

I am pretty darn sure about that at this point. She is just not that type of person.

Neither was I.

[/quote]

And neither was I......Be careful about the money. Her separate checking account concerns me.

Some people on this forum will insist your W has OM. Unless you have proof, dont let this get to you. Just because a W wants out of a marriage doesnt always mean there is someone else. Its a possibility, but not always the case.

Originally Posted By: brknheart

Some people on this forum will insist your W has OM. Unless you have proof, dont let this get to you. Just because a W wants out of a marriage doesnt always mean there is someone else. Its a possibility, but not always the case.

Brknhrt,

I'm not trying to "get to" ANYBODY. I'm trying to implore him to be careful. Statistics would show that that's the prudent thing to do.

Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

This is a tough lesson to learn (I know -- I was (and still am) a lot like you), but you cannot "make" ANYONE happy. They have to make themselves happy.

One thing I have learned is that while I could not have MADE her happy, I could have done so many things to let my W know I loved her. I dropped the ball on that. I think you can at least HELP someone be happy and you have a responsibility to do so for those you love.

Originally Posted By: M A Holm

One thing I have learned is that while I could not have MADE her happy, I could have done so many things to let my W know I loved her. I dropped the ball on that. I think you can at least HELP someone be happy and you have a responsibility to do so for those you love.

I agree.

[/quote]

Neither was my wife.[/quote]

Nor mine.

I would have bet the house, my life, and my kids on that before the reality hit me.

Signs to look for when your W or GF is seeing OM...

1. Her concentration and focus on most any matter is impaired.
She has a hard time making up her mind and sticking to it.
Short attention span.
2. Her clothing and hair style changes. Sometimes subtle at
first.
3. She might be listening to music she doesn't normally listen
to.
4. She has opinions on matters that never interested her in the
past. Subjects or hobbies that she found interesting in the
past now have no significance to her.
5. She may be dieting and exercising more often. She seems to
be more energetic.
6. She contradicts herself often in words and action.
7. She won't make a commitment to anything that requires a 24
hour advanced notice.
8. You notice signs of anger or inpatients at insignificant
events or things you say.
9. She's very guarded with her cell phone or email.

Just my observations from my own past experience. Certainly not based on scientific research or anything like that. Just something to chew on.

Originally Posted By: LoveHerSoMuch

Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Are you sure there's no one else? Her words sure fit the script.

Puppy

I am pretty darn sure about that at this point. She is just not that type of person. I could be wrong but I don't think so.

Did you know she was unhappy in the marriage? claustrophobic? and felt like you controlled her too much and didnt take care of her?

How old is she and what kind of men does she work with?

Quote:

My friends and family are telling me to giver her space and she will miss me and come back to me after she gets her head cleared and realizes what she is throwing away.

you will get alot better advice than that on this site. first you need to investigate what men she is talking to that she needs time away from you. if you just plain stunk as a husband and she was sick of your problems her excuses would have been different.

Originally Posted By: brknheart

Some people on this forum will insist your W has OM. Unless you have proof, dont let this get to you. Just because a W wants out of a marriage doesnt always mean there is someone else. Its a possibility, but not always the case.

Thanks for that advice. I was thinking of leaving this forum because that seems the standard answer with everyone. I am 99.9% sure there is no other man.

Originally Posted By: M A Holm

Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

This is a tough lesson to learn (I know -- I was (and still am) a lot like you), but you cannot "make" ANYONE happy. They have to make themselves happy.

One thing I have learned is that while I could not have MADE her happy, I could have done so many things to let my W know I loved her. I dropped the ball on that. I think you can at least HELP someone be happy and you have a responsibility to do so for those you love.

I agree with you. I could have done more things that I know would have made her happy. She has spent so much time taking care of me and not getting enough back from me that I think she is wiped out and doesn't think I will change. That makes her think that the marriage may not be worth it to her.

Here is a quote from an email she sent me this morning....

"I don�t have any answers. I am so smothered by you that I can�t even have my own thoughts because you are doing nothing but asking me a million and one questions.I need my space and you are not giving me that AT ALL!!!!"

I have moved into the guest bedroom and bathroom and we are passing each other like strangers in the house. This is so difficult.

Quote:

I am so smothered by you that I can�t even have my own thoughts because you are doing nothing but asking me a million and one questions.I need my space and you are not giving me that AT ALL!!!!"

So how are you going to respond to that? Your wife is very clear on what she wants.

Cheers
Coach

ps My wife didn't have a affair but I got grilled from the get go as well. It does change the DBing tactics if she is and that is why all the guys want you to know what you are dealing with.

Originally Posted By: Coach

Quote:

I am so smothered by you that I can�t even have my own thoughts because you are doing nothing but asking me a million and one questions.I need my space and you are not giving me that AT ALL!!!!"

So how are you going to respond to that? Your wife is very clear on what she wants.

.

Actually I did not respond. I left her alone. Seems that my only chance of working this out is to give her some time and space to figure herself out first.

Originally Posted By: LoveHerSoMuch

Originally Posted By: brknheart

Some people on this forum will insist your W has OM. Unless you have proof, dont let this get to you. Just because a W wants out of a marriage doesnt always mean there is someone else. Its a possibility, but not always the case.

Thanks for that advice. I was thinking of leaving this forum because that seems the standard answer with everyone. I am 99.9% sure there is no other man.

Why, because "she's just not that type of person?" I'm sorry, but that's naive. If you've confirmed that in another way, and just not shared it here, that's fine, but the reason why so many of us are warning you is because we have years of experience that you don't have yet, and it's been the case WAY more than 75% of the time.

But you don't want to seem to hear that, so I will leave you alone. I just didn't want to see you go thru the pain of getting blindsided.

Puppy

Originally Posted By: LoveHerSoMuch

Actually I did not respond. I left her alone. Seems that my only chance of working this out is to give her some time and space to figure herself out first.

Good call.

This is going to take time. LOTS of time. Be patient. Try to see things from her perspective. Be understanding, but not a doormat.

Read as much as you can on these boards. Read the DR book. Develop patience. You'll need lots of patience.

Listen and validate. This is huge.

Don't get baited into arguments.
Did I mention patience? Lots of patience?

Originally Posted By: Energizer Bunny

Originally Posted By: LoveHerSoMuch

Actually I did not respond. I left her alone. Seems that my only chance of working this out is to give her some time and space to figure herself out first.

Good call.

This is going to take time. LOTS of time. Be patient. Try to see things from her perspective. Be understanding, but not a doormat.

Read as much as you can on these boards. Read the DR book. Develop patience. You'll need lots of patience.

Listen and validate. This is huge.

Don't get baited into arguments.
Did I mention patience? Lots of patience?

Thanks for your advice. I have the day off today and I have been reading this board most of the afternoon. It is sort of depressing but helpful at the same time. So many people in similar situations as mine.

I just read on her FB page that her girlfriend is inviting her out for drinks sometime this week. The same friend that she went out with last Thursday night. I am so afraid that her friends are just going to talk her into leaving me. I emailed one of our other mutual friends that she has been hanging out with a lot lately. I asked her for advice on how I can get my wife back (thinking that my W might have told her something that would be helpful for me). She did not respond to my email but she forwarded to my W, then my W emailed me and told me to leave our friends out of this.

If I could only turn back the hands of time and be more of the husband she wanted!

Quote:

I just read on her FB page that her girlfriend is inviting her out for drinks sometime this week. The same friend that she went out with last Thursday night. I am so afraid that her friends are just going to talk her into leaving me. I emailed one of our other mutual friends that she has been hanging out with a lot lately. I asked her for advice on how I can get my wife back (thinking that my W might have told her something that would be helpful for me). She did not respond to my email but she forwarded to my W, then my W emailed me and told me to leave our friends out of this.

Strong confident men aren't afraid and don't need their W's friends help to get a woman, especially there wife back.

What are you doing to GAL?

List your goals.

Now that you aren't going to ask your wife all those questions and pursue her what are you going to do with all the free time?

Originally Posted By: Coach

Quote:

I just read on her FB page that her girlfriend is inviting her out for drinks sometime this week. The same friend that she went out with last Thursday night. I am so afraid that her friends are just going to talk her into leaving me. I emailed one of our other mutual friends that she has been hanging out with a lot lately. I asked her for advice on how I can get my wife back (thinking that my W might have told her something that would be helpful for me). She did not respond to my email but she forwarded to my W, then my W emailed me and told me to leave our friends out of this.

Strong confident men aren't afraid and don't need their W's friends help to get a woman, especially there wife back.

What are you doing to GAL?

List your goals.

Now that you aren't going to ask your wife all those questions and pursue her what are you going to do with all the free time?

Dude...she told you what she wants.

Space.

Give it to her.

This was hard for me too, but you have to do it.

I'd listen to everything Coach says too. He was actually successful in getting his W back.

As for the depressing...Orich and his W reconciled last month. Dia, wanttobebetter, and Tristan are all putting things together too. It can happen.

Originally Posted By: Coach

Quote:

I just read on her FB page that her girlfriend is inviting her out for drinks sometime this week. The same friend that she went out with last Thursday night. I am so afraid that her friends are just going to talk her into leaving me. I emailed one of our other mutual friends that she has been hanging out with a lot lately. I asked her for advice on how I can get my wife back (thinking that my W might have told her something that would be helpful for me). She did not respond to my email but she forwarded to my W, then my W emailed me and told me to leave our friends out of this.

Strong confident men aren't afraid and don't need their W's friends help to get a woman, especially there wife back.

What are you doing to GAL?

List your goals.

Now that you aren't going to ask your wife all those questions and pursue her what are you going to do with all the free time?

To be honest with you "Afraid" is one of the emotions I have been feeling the past couple of weeks. Afraid, lonely, hurt and regret is what I have been feeling.

As far as GAL. That is something I am trying to figure out. Last week at work I could barley function. I took this week off to try to get my head together. Last night was my first night in the spare bedroom. I think I only slept for about 2 hours. Laying in bed knowing she is just across the hall was the hard part.

When my W and I met 7 years ago I was in terrific shape, running 5 miles a day. Since we have been married I gained 30lbs. My W gained some weight too but in the last year she has lost a lot of weight and looks terrific now. I have been going to the gym and working out the past few weeks. I always feel better after a workout.

Originally Posted By: Energizer Bunny

Dude...she told you what she wants.

Space.

Give it to her.

This was hard for me too, but you have to do it.

I'd listen to everything Coach says too. He was actually successful in getting his W back.

As for the depressing...Orich and his W reconciled last month. Dia, wanttobebetter, and Tristan are all putting things together too. It can happen.

That is good to know. I was wondering if there were any happy endings on this board.

I will do anything to get her back. That is why I am here. I need strength and patience. She keeps telling me the more I bother her the more I am pushing her away. I just haven't understood the "space and time" thing yet. I guess I am worried she is going to spend time thinking about how to leave me rather than thinking about how to come back to me.

Man give her the space. It will very hard to do but it you want results this is the best way and she is asking for it. During this time you can work on your changes because as Coach said, you are going to have free time now!

Quote:

To be honest with you "Afraid" is one of the emotions I have been feeling the past couple of weeks.

OK, having emotions is fine but you have to have plan for dealing with them. I used the Stockdale Paradox to help me, it's in my signature line. Smileys Person uses the Capt Spiers quote from "Band of Brothers" - "the sooner you realise you are dead the sooner you will be able to function like a soldier should."

Quote:

She keeps telling me the more I bother her the more I am pushing her away. I just haven't understood the "space and time" thing yet. I guess I am worried she is going to spend time thinking about how to leave me rather than thinking about how to come back to me.

do you you understand why she feels "smothered" ?

Have you read up on co-dependence?

It's wasted energy, time and resources to worry about what she is thinking, feeling, or doing. If you really need to know what she is thinking or feeling then ask. You are only responsible for your thoughts, feelings, and actions. You can handle it.

Cheers

Originally Posted By: Coach

do you you understand why she feels "smothered" ?

Have you read up on co-dependence?

It's wasted energy, time and resources to worry about what she is thinking, feeling, or doing. If you really need to know what she is thinking or feeling then ask. You are only responsible for your thoughts, feelings, and actions. You can handle it.

Cheers

I am just still in shock I guess. A couple of weeks ago we were getting along great, she seemed happy to me but then one day just tells me that she has been unhappy for a long time. I have been in panic mode I guess.

When I say I love you, she stopped saying it back. She has never done that before. I need to get out of panic mode. I could do this better if I just knew she was going to come back to me after she has her time and space.

Quote:

I could do this better if I just knew she was going to come back to me after she has her time and space.

You don't know the outcome. The key is doing the right thing no matter what. I do know that panic mode makes you look weak, which isn't attractive to your wife. You need to have goals so you can match your actions to you goals.

Went to the gym before she did so I would not be there at the same time (we both have a membership at the same gym) but I did call her and ask her if we could have dinner tonight. She was angry at me because she said I have been calling and emailing her too much. I am afraid I am going to run her out of the house. She wants to stay separated in the house together if I can give her time and space. It is very hard for me still. I miss her touch and miss hugging her and kissing her. I miss laughing with her and telling her about my day and hearing about her day.

Coach: I really appreciate your posts, as well as others. I think I can relate to coach because I was a wrestling coach for 15 years and one of my sons is a high school Lax player.

Originally Posted By: LoveHerSoMuch

I just read on her FB page that her girlfriend is inviting her out for drinks sometime this week. The same friend that she went out with last Thursday night. I am so afraid that her friends are just going to talk her into leaving me. I emailed one of our other mutual friends that she has been hanging out with a lot lately. I asked her for advice on how I can get my wife back (thinking that my W might have told her something that would be helpful for me). She did not respond to my email but she forwarded to my W, then my W emailed me and told me to leave our friends out of this.

If I could only turn back the hands of time and be more of the husband she wanted!

I blocked my W on my FB page. I let her know ahead of time so she wouldn't think it was out of anger. I did the same for myspace. I also did that for some friends of hers. Reading some minor comment online would throw me off and I would let it snowball.

You can't turn back time. Make the changes in your life now. The past is gone. Learn from it and be better. Have hope and pride in the better person you are becoming and you'll worry less about what you could have done.

this has got to be an epidemic. why are wives all over the world suddenly not happy with what they have?
Some are valid reasons, but i gotta be honest here, i see no reason your wife should be acting this way if you are a good husband, father and provider.
Something must be happening. MLC, EA, something. This business partner she is working for, is it a man or woman?

I am not saying that that is what is happening but I am completely confused by the behavior all these WAW exhibit lately.

Is it our culture? Tv? what is it? Is it the current economic climate? 2012? what is going on?

Is there some sort of happy police telling everyone what the standards for happiness are? and too hell with what happens to the people left behind?

Man oh man i am so confused about all this WAW stuff.

Originally Posted By: undrdg

this has got to be an epidemic. why are wives all over the world suddenly not happy with what they have?
Some are valid reasons, but i gotta be honest here, i see no reason your wife should be acting this way if you are a good husband, father and provider.
Something must be happening. MLC, EA, something. This business partner she is working for, is it a man or woman?

I am not saying that that is what is happening but I am completely confused by the behavior all these WAW exhibit lately.

Is it our culture? Tv? what is it? Is it the current economic climate? 2012? what is going on?

Is there some sort of happy police telling everyone what the standards for happiness are? and too hell with what happens to the people left behind?

Man oh man i am so confused about all this WAW stuff.

I am confused too. However, I know I made mistakes in the marriage. I took her for granted and everything was about me for too long. She took great care of me. She cooked my meals, did my laundry, kept a clean house and worked full time as well. My mother warned her a few times that she was spoiling me and she needs to make me do stuff for myself. It just came to a head recently and she broke down and said she needs some independence and time for herself.

I am very positive that there is not another man. I would not rule that out in the future if things do not get better but at this point I just don't see it with our schedules and the access we have to each other. She works in a customer service office for IT company with 6 other women. She does not work directly with any men.

She came home from the gym tonight after work. We made our dinners and watched tv until 9 o'clock on the couch together. Then she went upstairs and got in the bed and starting reading a book. I peeked my head in the door and just said goodnight to her. It is so hard sleeping in separate bedrooms. For 7 years we had a bedtime routine and I always loved our time together at night before going to sleep.

You're still smothering her. You're not listening.

Originally Posted By: LoveHerSoMuch

That is good to know. I was wondering if there were any happy endings on this board.

I will do anything to get her back. That is why I am here. I need strength and patience. She keeps telling me the more I bother her the more I am pushing her away. I just haven't understood the "space and time" thing yet. I guess I am worried she is going to spend time thinking about how to leave me rather than thinking about how to come back to me.

That very urgency and clawing need to get her back is very understandable, and I think something a lot of us here have gone through. Hey. we're all human eh.

My sitch has been called somewhat of a rarity too. W has completely woken up. Not that we have a fantasy marriage, no, we have issues and problems and scars from the A, but we're working them through. With the baby due soon, it adds some stress.

Sorry if you felt folks kept harping on the OM thing. It's just a lot more common than you might assume and being blindsided by it can be devastating. I was in much a position like yours for a few months leading up to discovery, and for the life of me I could not figure out why she needed that space, and behaving like an alien. Knowing OM existed and what I was up against helped me deal with things better.

As Coach has posted, your W is clear on what she wants / needs right now. One of the big mistakes I made was in not giving my W that very thing. It WILL push her away. GAL and leave it in the hands of God.

Good luck!

Well, whether she is having an affair or not, what everyone is telling you to do would be the same right now.

Any kind of pursuing would feel "icky" to her. I used to hate the ol' victim/sad puppy dog look my H gave me. Everything ticked me off. Leave her alone and look within yourself to find what will make you a strong, confident, differentiated man. Be a man that any woman would die to be with, and a man that doesn't need a woman to be great. That is attractive. Don't think "what can I do to make her love me again" (ick), think "what can I do to be confident and happy", and then get ready to be patient.

I really appreciate all the advice. I am starting to read this site several times during the day now.

After she went to bed last night, I went downstairs and watched a movie called "Fireproof". It was a great movie about a marriage gone bad and how the husband wins his wife back. I am not very religious but I am a christian and the movie was based on christian principles. There was a quote in the movie that I liked:

"Never leave your partner alone, especially in a fire".

I made a homemade card last night after the movie and wrote some promises in it. Then I went out to our garden and got a red rose and picked off the pedals. I put the card and rose pedals on her dresser while she was sleeping. She got up this morning and got ready for work and left again without saying anything to me. I called her and asked if you liked the card and she said it was sweet but she is just tired of talking about our R everyday.

I sent her this email a few minutes ago, after she said she would at least think about spending some time with me again but she needs to think about it first:

"Thank you. I really am working hard on myself and I want you to share that with you.
I love you with every inch of my soul! I will win you back and show you I can be an awesome, fun, loving, sweet, husband.
I want to study you and learn more about you than I already know, so I can treat you the way you need to be treated."

She responded:

"Thank you for trying. Actions are louder than words. I am spending this time to work on myself and be more independent. You have to give me time. I don�t know how much time."

The email was good. The card was not. The grand gesture will not work, in fact it works in reverse.

My W decided in February to split up at the end of the school year. In March, we had a great talk and for a couple of weeks things looked like they were going to be OK.

A couple of small things happened and W started to shut me out again. For our anniversary, she said she didn't want gifts and would go out to eat as a family.

I'm a romantic though and I scanned in a bunch of photos from our lives together. I then sat our daughters down and made a digital recording of their reactions to the pictures. A friend at work then dubbed the girls and I talking over the photos on a CD.

It cost me nothing. Girls kept telling W how much she was going to love the gift. They made her watch it again and again until she threw it out.

When we split in May -- couldn't even make it to end of school year -- she said that CD was the last straw. It was my attempt to convince her what a great we had and that she was throwing it away.

Her response is all you need to know. You have to give her time and space. No pursuing. No I Love You's. No big trips or surprise gifts.

Quote:

I called her and asked if you liked the card and she said it was sweet but she is just tired of talking about our R everyday.

Quote:

"Thank you for trying. Actions are louder than words. I am spending this time to work on myself and be more independent. You have to give me time. I don�t know how much time."

So when you were coaching wresting did you just talk about goals or did you have a plan to achieve the goals then set about doing what you need to do.
Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" (NMMNG). She really does not want flowers from you now.

You're still smothering her. You're not listening!

Originally Posted By: Coach

Quote:

I called her and asked if you liked the card and she said it was sweet but she is just tired of talking about our R everyday.

Quote:

"Thank you for trying. Actions are louder than words. I am spending this time to work on myself and be more independent. You have to give me time. I don�t know how much time."

So when you were coaching wresting did you just talk about goals or did you have a plan to achieve the goals then set about doing what you need to do.
Read "No More Mr Nice Guy" (NMMNG). She really does not want flowers from you now.

Coach, I used to make my wrestlers write down their goals at the beginning of each season. They would have to tape them to the inside door of their locker and read them before practice.

I need some goals but I am just not clear on what they should be and how I will show her my actions are louder than words. It seems like I am training for a match that will never happen.

I think I am going to take my laptop to the bookstore today. Look for some books (the one you recommend) have some coffee and study on how to be a better husband.

Her last email to me a few minutes ago:

"I can�t give you what you need for a timeline. I can�t make any promises. That�s not fair to you or me. I�m not doing anything but working on myself right now. This is not all about you. It is about ME. There is no one else, no need for any of that. This is MY time. I am doing what I want when I want and how I want. I don�t have the time or patience to want or need someone else. I want to love myself, that�s all.
Enough for today please."

Quote:

I can�t give you what you need for a timeline. I can�t make any promises. That�s not fair to you or me. I�m not doing anything but working on myself right now. This is not all about you. It is about ME. There is no one else, no need for any of that. This is MY time. I am doing what I want when I want and how I want. I don�t have the time or patience to want or need someone else. I want to love myself, that�s all.
Enough for today please."

DO NOT respond right now, wait. I promise this is healthy what she is saying. "Love your neighbor as yourself." She can't give away what she doesn't have. If you truly love her you will honor her request.

Quote:

like I am training for a match that will never happen.

You are already in the match and counting ceiling tiles.

Quote:

I need some goals

Become responsible for my own happiness.

Workout x times/week

Revisit hobbies

Read x books/month

Understand why I am so clingy, co-dependent, and smothering.

Make myself desirable.

etc........

Then plan the actions out to achieve them and measure them.

Notice they all are about you.

Originally Posted By: Coach

Quote:

I can�t give you what you need for a timeline. I can�t make any promises. That�s not fair to you or me. I�m not doing anything but working on myself right now. This is not all about you. It is about ME. There is no one else, no need for any of that. This is MY time. I am doing what I want when I want and how I want. I don�t have the time or patience to want or need someone else. I want to love myself, that�s all.
Enough for today please."

DO NOT respond right now, wait. I promise this is healthy what she is saying. "Love your neighbor as yourself." She can't give away what she doesn't have. If you truly love her you will honor her request.

Quote:

like I am training for a match that will never happen.

You are already in the match and counting ceiling tiles.

Quote:

I need some goals

Become responsible for my own happiness.

Workout x times/week

Revisit hobbies

Read x books/month

Understand why I am so clingy, co-dependent, and smothering.

Make myself desirable.

etc........

Then plan the actions out to achieve them and measure them.

Notice they all are about you.

Coach, I wish you were here with me to help me get me through this. I look forward to your responses.

I did not respond to her email. Can you elaborate on how what she said is healthy? Healthy for her, healthy for me or healthy for our marriage? Doe what she say convince you that she is not looking or does not have another man?

I was a pretty damn good wrestler in my day and can say I was never pinned. 109-9 high school record. Not so successful in college. I don't want to think I am counting ceiling tiles yet. I am hoping that I have simply been taken down and now I am scrambling to get a reversal.

Sometimes I read these suggestions on GAL, like the ones you mention and they sound like they are ways to move on without her. Can you convince me that moving on without her will get her back?

I am new at this, but in the past couple weeks when the bomb was officially dropped, I have found that even little things (note with rose petals) can be SMOTHERING. I don't know how many times in the past several months my W asked for space and no mushy stuff, I didn't really get it until she told me a couple of weeks ago that she didnt love me and needs to be independent. I've found clarity from this site, some posts more than others, but I will tell you that I've found that giving that space and GAL is great for me and my personal growth and happiness. I don't know how it will turn out with my wife and MC, but it does bring me some happiness to know that I will have grown. Maybe into what she needs, or maybe just into a better man.

Originally Posted By: LoveHerSoMuch

Her last email to me a few minutes ago:

"I can't give you what you need for a timeline. I can't make any promises. That's not fair to you or me. I'm not doing anything but working on myself right now. This is not all about you. It is about ME. There is no one else, no need for any of that. This is MY time. I am doing what I want when I want and how I want. I don't have the time or patience to want or need someone else. I want to love myself, that's all.
Enough for today please."

your wife is an excellent DB'er. Heed the example.

LHSM, you need to really take this time to try an detach. I know exactly what you are going through, I am in a very similar situation. For the first week or two after the bomb, I persued and continuously attempted to reach out to W, but I felt like I was talking to a wall. I have since decided to work on myself and try to become a dependent, happy free spirit. I am not exactly where I want to be just yet and it hasn't been easy, but it does make me feel better about MYSELF. I need to let her find her way out the fog that she is in right now.

Quote:

Can you convince me that moving on without her will get her back?

No, I can't convince you that's up to you. You are not moving on, who said anything about that? Taking care of yourself, being the man you are meant to be, having the confidence to leave her be, and improving yourself mentally, physically, spiritually and intellectually is attractive to a woman.

Quote:

Can you elaborate on how what she said is healthy? Healthy for her, healthy for me or healthy for our marriage? Doe what she say convince you that she is not looking or does not have another man?

Because she cares enough about herself to take care of herself, self-love. It's healthy for you becuase you will either make healthy changes or she will leave you (the pain of staying will be greater than the pain of leaving for her.) IDK if she has a OM, you will have to be aware of what is going on - cell-phone records. IMs, changes in behavior, listening to different music, using new expressions, etc.

You really want a reversal? Understand the position you are in and how will you get out move by move. You have to think first then act. You also have to do the drills, exercise, work and learn the techniques.

List some goals.

Originally Posted By: LoveHerSoMuch

I think I am going to take my laptop to the bookstore today. Look for some books (the one you recommend) have some coffee and study on how to be a better husband.

LHSM, I would suggest you get (and read) some books and study how to be a better LoveHerSoMuch.

When you become that, you will automatically be more attractive to her as a husband.

Puppy

You doing things like giving her that card and calling her just reminds her over and over how she DOESN'T feel about you. It's a very bad feeling, and you're shoving it in her face. Leave her alone!

You are still in this game. She's saying things to you my W was telling me 2-3 years ago. I thought I just needed to be a better H, be more romantic, do more around the house, etc. WRONG! The more I did, the farther away she got. She's telling you what she needs. She needs you to get out of her face. She needs to feel like loving you is a choice for her, not an obligation, and showing her that it's a choice for you too is exactly where you have to get. What you're showing her is complete and utter DEPENDENCE. Coach's suggestions are dead on right. When your W feels like you don't NEED her anymore, then she maybe she can relax and evaluate how she really feels. Until then, she'll keep her protective walls up.

The last sentence, "enough for today please."

It doesn't get any clearer than that. Let her alone. Don't plan getaways or romantic dinners or any of that stuff. Read. His Needs Her Needs and Boundaries for Marriage.

Wait for her to come to you. You are still in the house. She said she is working on herself. Let her do it without your help.

As for another man, well, you can drive yourself crazy worrying about it or think back to the independent person you were when you two first met. Rediscover that guy. Is there a project you always wanted to do? If so, throw yourself into it while you wait.

I thank every single one of you for your advice today. I have not read anything that I do not agree with. I am really trying hard today. When you are with someone almost everyday for 7 years then all of a sudden they don't want to be around you or hear from you, it feels like I have been thrown away like a piece of trash.

I will heed the advice I am hearing and detach and let her have that independence she is seeking. At least we are still in the same house, so it could be worse. I will hold onto the hope that if she sees me giving her what she wants she will know that I am for real and I am really trying.

I need to figure out my goals and write them down. I just cannot put my finger on what they should be yet.

Keeping myself busy is important. The busier I am the less likely I am to sit around and email or call her at work. I need to stay busy at work as well because I have access to email all day long and it will be tempting next week when I am back at work to send her emails.

It is a rainy chilly day today and I have the day off from work. I went to the Borders Books and picked up this book called the Love Dare. It is suppose to be a 40 day journey to getting your marriage back. I found out about it after watching the movie Fireproof last night. So decided to go to my favorite coffee shop where they have free wireless and good coffee and read and reflect.

Some things that I am really missing right now:

- The smell of her hair
- The softness of her skin
- The sound of her laugh
- The beauty of her smile
- Having dinner together
- Going to the gym together
- Kissing her goodnight every night

These guys are dead on. Be strong.

If you want to be a better husband, give her what she's asking for. The mushy, romantic, frequent contact is for you. Not for her.

Patience. Slow down.

We all miss that stuff about our wives. We can relate. You're in the right place for that. It gets better when you can stop focusing on it though.

BTY...enough for today does NOT mean start all of this stuff again tomorrow. It means drop it. Leave me to work on myself for a while.

Quote:

It is a rainy chilly day today and I have the day off from work. I went to the Borders Books and picked up this book called the Love Dare.

That is not the book to read right now. Let's see Puppy said it twice and I'll repeat it. "You are not listening!"

- NMMNG Dr Robert Glover
- Co-Dependent No More Melody Beattie

You can keep trying your way or learn from others who have been there. You have a choice in how you handle it.

I thank every single one of you for your advice today. I have not read anything that I do not agree with. I am really trying hard today. When you are with someone almost everyday for 7 years then all of a sudden they don't want to be around you or hear from you, it feels like I have been thrown away like a piece of trash.

I will heed the advice I am hearing and detach and let her have that independence she is seeking. At least we are still in the same house, so it could be worse. I will hold onto the hope that if she sees me giving her what she wants she will know that I am for real and I am really trying.

I need to figure out my goals and write them down. I just cannot put my finger on what they should be yet.

Keeping myself busy is important. The busier I am the less likely I am to sit around and email or call her at work. I need to stay busy at work as well because I have access to email all day long and it will be tempting next week when I am back at work to send her emails.

It is a rainy chilly day today and I have the day off from work. I went to the Borders Books and picked up this book called the Love Dare. It is suppose to be a 40 day journey to getting your marriage back. I found out about it after watching the movie Fireproof last night. So decided to go to my favorite coffee shop where they have free wireless and good coffee and read and reflect.

Some things that I am really missing right now:

- The smell of her hair
- The softness of her skin
- The sound of her laugh
- The beauty of her smile
- Having dinner together
- Going to the gym together
- Kissing her goodnight every night

LHSM,

"The Love Dare" is generally not considered to be good DBing around here, and it's DEFINITELY not the book for you and your own sitch right now. It's practically a TEXTBOOK for Smothering.

It's better for two people who are both re-committed to the marriage, and wanting to reconcile and get things back on track.

The other two books that Coach suggested would be perfect.

I hope you know I'm not just trying to bust your ballz. In many ways, YOU ARE EXACTLY LIKE ME. I wrote my wife beautifuli song lyrics, gave her roses, sent her e-mails -- everything.

It doesn't work, and I just am trying to prevent you from prolonging the agony any longer than you have to. This is a process, and it DOES take a ton of patience, but it CAN be done a little quicker or a lot slower, depending on how well you follow the steps.

Puppy

Quote:

I hope you know I'm not just trying to bust your ballz. In many ways, YOU ARE EXACTLY LIKE ME. I wrote my wife beautifuli song lyrics, gave her roses, sent her e-mails -- everything.

Used to give foot rubs too, didn't ya?

I thank every single one of you for your advice today. I have not read anything that I do not agree with. I am really trying hard today. When you are with someone almost everyday for 7 years then all of a sudden they don't want to be around you or hear from you, it feels like I have been thrown away like a piece of trash.

I will heed the advice I am hearing and detach and let her have that independence she is seeking. At least we are still in the same house, so it could be worse. I will hold onto the hope that if she sees me giving her what she wants she will know that I am for real and I am really trying.

I need to figure out my goals and write them down. I just cannot put my finger on what they should be yet.

Keeping myself busy is important. The busier I am the less likely I am to sit around and email or call her at work. I need to stay busy at work as well because I have access to email all day long and it will be tempting next week when I am back at work to send her emails.

It is a rainy chilly day today and I have the day off from work. I went to the Borders Books and picked up this book called the Love Dare. It is suppose to be a 40 day journey to getting your marriage back. I found out about it after watching the movie Fireproof last night. So decided to go to my favorite coffee shop where they have free wireless and good coffee and read and reflect.

Some things that I am really missing right now:

- The smell of her hair
- The softness of her skin
- The sound of her laugh
- The beauty of her smile
- Having dinner together
- Going to the gym together
- Kissing her goodnight every night

Damn I am so confused.

By the way, I have not contacted my wife all day since she told me enough for today.

I have a couple of different directions I can go in now and am getting advice from both directions. I am afraid if I take the wrong path I will end up failing.

Originally Posted By: Coach

Quote:

I hope you know I'm not just trying to bust your ballz. In many ways, YOU ARE EXACTLY LIKE ME. I wrote my wife beautifuli song lyrics, gave her roses, sent her e-mails -- everything.

Used to give foot rubs too, didn't ya?

Still do.

Yep. Maybe you will fail. Guess what? It's the rare person whose entire remaining life is determined by one day of failure. You are holding on so tight and trying so hard to control your situation, no wonder you're driving yourself *and* your wife crazy.

At the moment, you *do* risk driving her away, at least for now, just so she can get a little peace. All because you have to feel like you're doing *something*. When you leave her alone, you ARE doing something. You are *respecting her requests* as if you actually understand that she is her own person with her own needs, not just an extension of you. Think about it.

Originally Posted By: Kettricken

Yep. Maybe you will fail. Guess what? It's the rare person whose entire remaining life is determined by one day of failure. You are holding on so tight and trying so hard to control your situation, no wonder you're driving yourself *and* your wife crazy.

At the moment, you *do* risk driving her away, at least for now, just so she can get a little peace. All because you have to feel like you're doing *something*. When you leave her alone, you ARE doing something. You are *respecting her requests* as if you actually understand that she is her own person with her own needs, not just an extension of you. Think about it.

That makes perfect sense! I like the idea that I am doing something by leaving her alone.

I am a IT consultant and my job consists of me coming up with solutions to difficult problems for large government agencies. I have been trained to find ways to fix things. I feel like I have met my match with my marriage and don't even have the opportunity to fix it.

Originally Posted By: LoveHerSoMuch

I am a IT consultant and my job consists of me coming up with solutions to difficult problems for large government agencies. I have been trained to find ways to fix things. I feel like I have met my match with my marriage and don't even have the opportunity to fix it.

Sometimes the 'answer' is a "1" and sometimes it's a "0". Both are equally valid, no?

Puppy

Originally Posted By: Puppy Dog Tails

Originally Posted By: LoveHerSoMuch

I am a IT consultant and my job consists of me coming up with solutions to difficult problems for large government agencies. I have been trained to find ways to fix things. I feel like I have met my match with my marriage and don't even have the opportunity to fix it.

Sometimes the 'answer' is a "1" and sometimes it's a "0". Both are equally valid, no?

Puppy

0's and 1's are simply open and closed bits in a single bite. So yes I guess they are both equally valid.

My point exactly.

Ah, an engineer .... that explains a lot.

My husband is a database analyst/architect. He, too, has experienced plenty of disagree between what works at work and what works in personal relationships. You are facing a learning curve here, and there's nothing wrong with that.

On the job, would you dive in and immediately start forcing or implementing radical changes in a new system you didn't know well?

You may have thought you knew your marriage and your wife well, but current events would argue otherwise. This is the listening and observation stage for you. Clearly, you *can't* handle it the way you would at work (by asking a million questions), but you can contemplate the things she has told you already and do some solid reading on the subject (I believe you've had some good book recommendations already; I would *also* recommend "Passionate Marriage" by David Schnarch.) Take full advantage of this part of the process, and then eventually you'll be able to take *actions* that stand a good chance of improving your life.

Originally Posted By: Kettricken

On the job, would you dive in and immediately start forcing or implementing radical changes in a new system you didn't know well?

No I would not but I would have to complete a discovery phase for the project which does involve a million questions, which my wife gets frustrated with. She told me the other day, she is tired of all of my questions.

Quote:

You may have thought you knew your marriage and your wife well, but current events would argue otherwise. This is the listening and observation stage for you. Clearly, you *can't* handle it the way you would at work (by asking a million questions), but you can contemplate the things she has told you already and do some solid reading on the subject (I believe you've had some good book recommendations already;.

Yes I did think I knew my wife and marriage well. Obviously I did not. Something I heard today was I should "Study my wife and learn what she wants from me in life" I have never studied my wife to that extent. I guess I simply got to know her over time.

I am trying to read and learn how to become a better man and husband for her. That is really my only option and hope for her to return to me.

She is seeking her independence as she has stated she wants to do what she wants, when she wants and how she wants. Which means without me. I need to learn how I we can be happily married and still be two independent people. Right now I don't believe she thinks I am even thinking like this and would not believe me if I told her. She says actions speak louder than words. The million dollar question is how to show her my actions without smothering her.

Quote:

I need to learn how I we can be happily married and still be two independent people.

To be happily married you need to independent people. Two visual images - The Ying-Yang symbol, you complement each other (not complete each other.) One side starts and another stops - boundaries.
The other visual is of two trees growing side by side with limbs intertwined, swaying together in the wind and in storms. Both trees are independent of each other.

Quote:

The million dollar question is how to show her my actions without smothering her.

You are being watched very closely.

Believe it or not, I *am* sympathetic. You have a pattern for fixing that has always worked for you: Ask a million questions. Figure out what's wrong. Fix it or tell the team how to do it. Quickly quickly; time is money, there's a deadline.

Job one is to understand the ways that pattern is impacting your emotions and playing into your stress. First of all, there is no deadline. I wonder how much of your panic and overcontrol has been coming from an internal perception that there is.

Originally Posted By: LHSM

Right now I don't believe she thinks I am even thinking like this and would not believe me if I told her. She says actions speak louder than words. The million dollar question is how to show her my actions without smothering her.

This one is *really* easy. She has asked for space. Give it to her. Nobody said you have to treat her like a stranger; give her a smile when you pass in the hall. But no more roses, and stop getting all up in her grill, literally or metaphorically. That WILL show her that you're listening, thinking, and changing.

What would you think of a team member who was tasked to work project A but at the end of the week, clocked in with no work at all on project A but a whole lot of work you never asked for on project B?

Ultimately, though, what SHE thinks is her business. Learning about relationship dynamics and making requested tweaks to your own behavior can be positive, but NOT if you're ONLY doing it to make an impression on her. Coach and others have already given you some great advice on making goals that only concern YOU, continuing to create yourself as a man you can respect. Don't discard it. There are plenty of happy outcomes on the board involving men who did *exactly* that.

Originally Posted By: Coach

[quote]

You are being watched very closely.

Do you mean that she is watching me? Why do I feel like she is not paying any attention to me?

Quote:

Do you mean that she is watching me?

Absolutely.

Quote:

Why do I feel like she is not paying any attention to me?

Change your feelings.

Originally Posted By: Kettricken

First of all, there is no deadline. I wonder how much of your panic and overcontrol has been coming from an internal perception that there is.

Yes, yes I feel like i need to fix it now but I know I cannot. I wrote that in the journal I started today.

I do need to set some goals, I did write down in my journal that my first short term goal is to find the right things to to in order to keep her in the house. I cannot keep making mistakes that will push her further away and make her want to leave the house.

Other than that, goals for myself, I have not quite figured out yet but I am heading back to the bookstore now to pick up Co-Dependent No More: How to Quite Controlling Others.

One of her complaints is that I am controlling. I thought I was just being caring and helpful but she feels controlled. I don't want to be that type of person, especially if it hurts my wife.

You can't "feel smothered" by someone you are able to ignore completely. Can you?

Hi LHSO,

I am a fellow computer guy myself who is having problems in my marriage. You have 3 of the best on this board in Puppy, Coach, & Kett helping you. You need to listen to them carefully. I read the two books suggested NMMNG and CNM; both helped me understand how I was driving my W away. I would strongly suggest reading them and give your W the space she desires.

By the way, with the help of the 3 mentioned above and many others, I think I may have been able to turn my marriage around. You can do this too. Good luck.

Thanks Tristan for the encouragement. I did purchase DR and CNM today. I read about half of CNM already. I am trying very hard to give her space. Feels strange she is across the hall asleep in our bedroom while I am in here in the guest bedroom without her again.

Tonight when she came home I asked her if she was hungry and she said yes. I told her I was thinking about going to the Subway and asked if she would like me to bring her back a sandwich too. She told me what she wanted and I said no problem.

I came back from subway and we sat in the living room and watched some tv. I asked her how her day went and she started talking a lot about work and how thing are going with some new software they are training her office to use. I just sat there and enjoyed listening to her talk about her day. I avoided any R talk because she seemed to be loosening up to me talking about her work.

I asked her if she had any plans for the weekend and she said she wasn't sure yet but one of her gf's asked her to hang out with her one night this weekend. I made a joke and told her I was free this weekend. She knew what I meant I guess because she said she would think about it and is taking it one day at a time.

We are both big Washington Redskins fans and she asked me what I thought about the coaching situation with the Skins and we talked about that a little, then I asked her if she is watching the game on Sunday and she said yes. I didn't push it but I hope that meant she is watching it at home with me like we always do except for last Sunday).

Around 9:30 she asked if I would let the dogs out because it was raining and she did not have her shoes on. I took them out to do their business and then came back in and she said she was going upstairs to go to bed. Here is where I screwed up. I held my arms out and asked if I could at least have a hug goodnight. She only put her hands on my sides and not all the way around me like she usually does. I held her tightly and told her I love her so much (her hair smelled so good). She told me I was pressuring her and to stop. I told her I was sorry and let her go upstairs to bed.

I have no idea what the weekend will be like. I think she will definitely go out with her gf one night (probably to dinner or a happy hour or something). Maybe one night she will consider going to dinner with me and hopefully we can watch the game together on Sunday. I hope I am not getting my hopes up to high.

I know you are trying, and kudos to you for that. That hug thing .... (shakes head) .... you are going to *have* to discipline yourself out of doing things like that.

1. Hello, it's pressure. You asked for something intimate that she didn't freely offer. She shouldn't have had to tell you that.

2. It's needy. Speaking as a woman, for 9 out of 10 of us, that is a big-time turnoff.

And listen to yourself, man. You say you want her to be happy. But most of this post is about what YOU want from HER. A hug, her company. It's not wrong to want those things, but you need to be clear. Right now, you are pursuing *what you want* emotionally FROM HER. Not what she wants for herself. Not what you want to generate in your own life as an independent man. Is it any wonder she feels pursued and pressured?

Try this. Just for tomorrow. Treat her as you would a co-worker that you had a good, friendly working relationship with. Respect the same personal boundaries you would in that situation (no touching, no pursuit for personal time, just friendly conversation and banter about subjects of mutual interest.) Try it.

Don't get discouraged. You are trying to make some major changes in the way you approach your relationship, and it will take time.

Hope I didn't scare you off, LHSM .... how are things today?

Originally Posted By: Kettricken

Hope I didn't scare you off, LHSM .... how are things today?

Actually I am sort of shying away from this message board. Reading some of the other threads I feel there are way too many negative ppl here.

I had a pretty decent day. My wife came home from work and I made her dinner and had a glass of wine with her. We did not talk about too much and she made it clear that she is still upset with me.

I told her I am going to schedule a counseling appt next week for myself but do not expect her to go with me unless she feels the need to. She almost started crying and said, "Why didn't you do all of this stuff for the past 7 years?" I told her I was sorry and I will continue to work on myself and fight for our marriage.

Before she went upstairs to go to bed, she came over and reached down and hugged my neck and said goodnight. To me that seems like progress, even if I am still in the guestroom.

I'm sorry you are getting a bad experience on here. There are people on here that are hurt and are hurting just like you. We can see things you don't see because we have "been there" and are looking now with hindsight. I've found that you have to really listen to what people say, even if you don't agree, realllly ponder it, and then ultimately only you know your situation and only you can know what to do.

You said you saw Fireproof. That is an amazing movie. I watch clips on Youtube off and on to remind me of some things. Have you considered Retrouvaille? My H and I went there and it was a turning point for us. Google "retrouvaille" and you will find info. on it.

I'm so sorry for your pain.

LHSM, Watch your self-talk. You go from everthing making perfect sense to I cannot make a mistake. Avoid the permanent thinking and absolute thinking - everything ,always, never, all the time, must, etc. Start thinking of solutions and then plan.

Quote:

she made it clear that she is still upset with me.

Feelings are good, means she is still interested.

Quote:

"Why didn't you do all of this stuff for the past 7 years?"

She's watching you.

I hope it's going well LHSM. I feel a little similar to you on the negativity but understand why it is there. Everyone here is in alot of pain and sometimes project on to others. You need to sort of sift through everything to find the nuggets. It's also hard for people to give accurate advice sometimes I think based on a couple of paragraphs when they don't know the people involved.

It sounds (as you mentioned in my thread) that we are in somewhat similar situations. I am trying to just act like the new me now and not pressure her. It's really all I can do. I am being watched just like you....stay strong brother.

I just wanted to post that my separation had a happy ending. My wife and I got back together this past weekend. I did eventually go from living in separate bedrooms to moving to a friends house. After that, she started missing me and realized that I had changed and my change was for real. I was doing the book, "The Love Dare" and she did see the changes in me while I was doing that book. Once I was gone I think she realized she really missed me and had love in her heart for me.

This past Saturday she asked me to come home and it has been a honeymoon since then. We are moving forward with some important changes in our marraige.

I feel like a piano has been lifted off my back and I am excited to go through the journey of our new marriage together!

Great news! Congratulations LHSM! And keep doing the work.

Originally Posted By: LoveHerSoMuch

This past Saturday she asked me to come home and it has been a honeymoon since then. We are moving forward with some important changes in our marraige.

Congratulations!

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I hope never to see you here again.

(Actually, any insight on what you did in your process that helped things along might be helpful, for those of us who are still fighting that fight...)

Originally Posted By: TrentC

Originally Posted By: LoveHerSoMuch

This past Saturday she asked me to come home and it has been a honeymoon since then. We are moving forward with some important changes in our marraige.

Congratulations!

I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but I hope never to see you here again.

(Actually, any insight on what you did in your process that helped things along might be helpful, for those of us who are still fighting that fight...)

I am not a relationship expert but I can tell you what I believe that worked in my situation.

I did not give up. There were a few times, when I thought that it wasn't worth the pain that I was going through and it would be easier to move on. I had a good support system with a few friends and family that kept encouraging me.

One advantage I had was that my wife never admitted to wanting a divorce, she just wanted some time and space but could not promise me what would happen after that. Giving her the space she needed was nearly impossible while living in the same house. Moving out was difficult but I think it was easier after we both came to some agreements about how things would work once I moved out. Here are some examples:

1. Don't make it permanenet. Don't sign a lease on an apartment. Stay with a friend so you know it is not permanent.

2. Agree that you will not see other people. After all you are doing this to work on your marriage, not to look for greener grass.

3. Make sure you take care of the finances together.

4. Agree how often you make contact. My wife wanted to call me each night and tell me goodnight and then talk to me once during the day to see how I was doing.

5. Try to have a date night. The morning after our first date night was when we got back together.

6. Keep showing her you have changed by example. Even if you live a apart, you might have to be creative. For example, drop by during the day when she is not home and do the laundry or wash the dishes. Maybe you have her car washed for her.

7. Go to counselling alone or together.