I have been married for 4 short years to a wonderful guy who
I have ran into a HUGE wall with. We are having Finacal issues, marritalissues, connecting issues, and personal issues. This all started about 2 months ago. He woke up one morning and said enough is enough. I am sick of the b.s. I was dumbfounded. How is anyone supposed to know things are this bad if you don't say anything. Since then I have been the good wife taking care of the kids and house. He has been out with friends or doing whatever he wants. I want to put us back together, but right now i am not sure how..... by the way he refuses counsoling..... except dfrom a friend who is in college for psych.
PLEASE HELP ME SOMEONE!!!!!
sTEPHANIE
First, you need to breath then try to relax. Buy the DR book (or find it at the library), read it and practice it. Its slow over the holiday weekends and people will respond more during the work week. You need to not pursue your H and start GAL (get a life) for yourself. You need to take care of yourself so you'll be more attractive and a better mother for your kids. Also, add some details about your ages and how many kids you have, add more about what kind of marital, connecting issues you 2 are experiencing.
Pray and get some rest....
ok so here are some of the marital issues. We started out as a couple working oppisite shifts. I was on second he was days...which means he was home everyday with the kids, mind you kids that are not biologically his but in every sense of the word they are. They call him daddy and he loves them they love him. The kids were 2,3,&4 when we got together. Now they are 8,9,&10. We also have his son living with us as of last summer who is 11. Hesays he needs space, he feels smothered, he is sick of the kids doing whatever they want when he is not home. They need to help out around the house and not be lazy. He wants me to step up my game all the way around. Believe me I am trying like hell to do so. But it seems like my best is just not good enough. He is stressed beyond belief over finances, we receintly had a issue come up and he took a pay cut by 25%. I am trying to work all the overtime I can and get this issue relieved a little bit. But between the turmoil at home and all the sudden being what I consider a single mom again, I am pretty frazzled right now and going pretty hard on my own person. I know this is not good. He stays out late...but I know he is not messing around. He would leave before he did that.
I am 31 and he is 32. we have been together almost 6 yrs and have 4 kids under roof.
oh yes,I forgot one very important thing.... he is resentful for the last couple of years and he says this is not my fault. He walks around angry all the time when he is here. He is not talking either and I am sick of trying to sqeeze or push him to talk. He says he is sick of talking because it does no good anyways.
I'm sorry I don't have any advice. I'm dealing with my H's resentment (for 9 years with NO MENTION) issues and general anger as well.
I've learned that trying to push him to talk only makes things worse. He's said the most hurtful things after being pushed.
Ditto...living with the anger and resentment of 20 years of marriage with no mention of issues or problems. Husband just wants to run away and live alone. Doesn't want to have to answer to anyone...
Me. 47
H 42
married 20 years
no kids
bomb 5/09
filed 7/09
Well, tonight he dropped the I dont know if I want to try anymore bomb. We both love eachother we have devoted almost 6 yrs to eachother.... We sat and cried together..... talk is not done.....
Just stay strong. Read the DR book. It worked wonders for calming me down, even if it hasn't (yet) saved my marriage.
And yet another update on this saga. I am picking up the book tomorrow on the way home from work. we are doing an in house seperation. We are not sure if we want a divorce yet so we are taking it back to the beginning. Friends. We have not told the kids that this what is going on but they know something is wrong.... kids just know when the flow of the house has changed. I spent most of the morning at my moms... I just could not hold it together. How can anyone when they feel the love of thier life slipping through thier fingers like grains of sand. It is so hard to look at him, But this is how it has to be. I am trying so hard to be strong but I have moments... and we all know how that is all to well. After all thats why we come here. good luck all.
Stephanie
Stephanie -
I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a rough time. You've certainly got your hands full. I strongly suggest that you call The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004 and speak with a Divorce Busting Telephone Coach. You want to make the most of the time you have with your husband right now. In addition to helping you come up with a plan that will help you get your marriage back on track, your DB Coach will help you identify things that you are doing that may be sabotaging your efforts to save your marriage -- and offer you alternative suggestions. I know that you would find your consultation with your DB Coach to be very helpful.
Stephanie,
Can you afford the coach?
If yes, please do it. They are worth every dime.
I can not afford to do the coach right now but I did get the DR book today. I am hoping this will help. But as for right now no I can not afford coach. I wish I could.
Stephanie
If he's going out late and doing more outside of the house, how do you know there is no OW? I too thought my H would NEVER do anything like that because he constantly said it. But he did. And even today his justification is that we were separated. I disagree but that's something we've agreed to disagree about.
Why are you so sure? Have you done any checking? Have you asked him?
I have put some Sherlock skills to work. She, the "Friend" left her husband too. He and I have been talking about what is going on. I am not sure what to think of the whole thing. He removed his wedding band and stuck it in his wallet "just incase he wants to put it back on" and refuses to give it to me for safe keeping. That is fine.... whatever. But he is telling her husband if everything straightens itself out we will be a family again. He is gonna have some work to do though to earn back the trust he has destroied..... That much I am sure of. Also on the brighter side he was not with "her" tonight he was seeing old friends and came home saying it is no fair to me that he is out late. We had a few laughs together, he played Daddy for a minute and now we are just taking up space in the same room. I am being cool and he is being receptive. huh.
Hope may still be there.
Stephanie if he has a "friend" that he is talking to, then there is a very likely chance that this is/will become something more. Please do yourself a favor and get a copy of the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass as well as DR. I hope not, but what you posted puts my radar up and some of what he is saying is textbook affair behavior. I pray I'm wrong, but you may want to think about doing some more detective work to be sure.
Take care of you and your kids. I can't stress enough to really care for yourself and be kind to yourself right now. My heart goes out to you and your situation. Hang in there and I'll check back with you.
Stephanie,
I guess I'm sort of confused.....
Are you saying there is another woman that he calls his friend? And she just left her husband? And your H is talking the the other H....saying you and H might be able to work it out?
Are you friends with this couple?
And I agree with Sugar and Spice, there is something going on there....what level it is, I really couldn't say. Yes they could simply be friends going through a tough time together, but that commaderie could be growing into something else.
How are things right now between you and H?
Well this other couple are friends. Her H and I have been talking putting 2 heads together type thing. This is really becoming quite an ordeal. They both say they are just friends. There has been a lot of ppl voicing thier opinion on what is going on..... none of them are happy. As far as the whole him and OW thing I have strong suspitions that it is more on end then the other. As far as he and I we have been laughing and joking around a bit. We still live in the same house and he is telling everyone that if things change we will be a family once again.... To bad for him there is going to have to limits set in place when it comes to "Friend". I know I need to trust but as for right precious trust is being throwen overboard without a net.
As for how to handle him well I will just say I have spent a lot time thinking and well you get more bees with honey. The positive button.
I'm still confused.
Do you believe he is having an inappropriate relationship with this other woman?
Are you in contact with this other woman's Husband?
If yes, what does he think about the relationship?
Stephanie what does your gut tell you? As far as him telling people if things change you'll be a family again, what does that mean and what needs to change? What effort is he putting into making those changes occur? It takes two people to make a R work and if he is spending time with his "friend", then that is time that he is taking away from being a part of the solution to what is troubling your M.
I suggested "Not Just Friends" because it gives very good insight into the "Just Friends" phenomenon and how it can so easily move into something more.
Is your H confiding in the "friend" and going to her instead of going to you with things that happen during the day or for advice?
http://www.shirleyglass.com/quizfriendship.php take a look at this site and especially this particular quiz and then take another look at their "friendship."
Sorry to be a downer, but if you want to see what a harmless "friendship" can to to people, read my signature and then go back and read my sitch. Not saying yours would be this bad, but take it from someone who has been through hell and back, don't take it at face value and don't take it lightly. If I could help someone not make the mistakes I did, this would all have been worth it. Also, if it is more than a friendship, you will have to reevaluate the way you "handle" him.
He insists that they are just friends. However I do have my doubts.
As far as her husband goes we are both friends with him. Her H thinks the friendship is just friendship.
I did get the DR book and have found it very helpful. I am starting to put some of my new found tools to work. This morning was good we had a laugh and shared a hug or 2. Yesturday was good too. For the first time it 2 weeks we talked on the phone, and he was actually having a conversation with me via text. I know that these things would not seem like a huge deal to someone not in my shoes, but to me these small steps are good. We are going to have friends over tonight that we have not seen in a long time. This should be a good thing. Give him a taste of when things were happier. Sometimes that assocation of a couple who was around during the good is a good thing. Not only that it is someone else who can look from the outside and see what is going on. Then it is not just me trying to figure things out it is someone who maybe able to say we are heading in the right direction or not.
I wish all of you luck today.... stay strong.
We are seperated and living under different roofs as of Thursday. I think this is best. I feel the stress leaving me and I have the feeling of relief. at this point I am getting me and my life back together.
It has been a while since I have done an update. So here is the most receint. He is living at his sisters with his son and I am at the house with my 3 kids. We did talk over the weekend and he said that he is not ready to divorced yet and so we are working on things between us sort of starting at ground zero. But guess what guys!!!! I FOUND THE CHEESE!!!!!! And what yummy cheese it is. We had a good weekend and so far it is going good.
I have been rather absent lately.
i have been doing some inner looking and trying to change myself and my life. Husband and I have been doing ok this week on the whole getting along thing for about a week and then today he walked in the house and started nagging about the outside of the house. I was instantly annoied because I feel with him moving out he has lost the right to have a fit about the house. He said if I did not like it change it. At which point I told him he needed to leave. He is very angry at me right now. And I think we need to have a serious talk. Actually no we dont. Maybe I should just ride this out and see what happens. Help.... I dont know what to do.
I have still been reading the DR book. Now for me to milk out a good book for this long is not like me. But I am not just reading it to read it I am reading and trying to digest it at the same time. I am finding a lot of useful things in the book. However my story has yet to be completed and I don't know exactly how it is going to end. I try to be happy when H comes over or when ever we talk or for that fact text, but sometimes he just wants to fight. Even if he won't admit that this is what he is trying to do.
Today I was happy and upbeat and I believe really pulled off the little ray of sunshine. We had a good visit. and that is where I have let it lie. I would rather give him the leave on a good and see what tomorrow brings then take the chance of fighting tonight over the phone.
I am trying to put the OW off to the far reaches of my mind and do a 180. I am being the happy go lucky you arent gonna rain on my parade girl. This I believe is part of what H fell in love with in the first place. In the winter of my life on the darkest night of the year I am being my own personal sunshine. I know in my heart of hearts this OW will fade into the dark and the EMA will die on its own, After all you can't start something without trust and both of them are WAS.
The other part of what I believe H was attracked to is my strength. My strength comes from my sunshine. And this stregnth radiates outward for the world to see. So I am parting the clouds and letting this shine through. I am GAL, my own BACK!