Don't know what to do.....I don't want to lose her - 08/25/09 12:33 AM
Hi everyone,
I've never done anything like this but I feel that maybe someone out there can help. I've read Michelle's books but still don't know what to do.
Here's my story:
Wife dropped the bomb after an argument we had about her needing "her space." I pressed and she basically told me that she is no longer "in love" with me and made herself "hardened" about 3 years ago. She said she was planning on moving out after our son graduates HS in 2 years.
I was devastated! I broke down and told her she was my whole world! I think I briefly got through to her because she said that she wished I had told her that 3 years ago.
We've been married for 26 years and I haven't been the best husband. In fact, I've been very neglectful. My MO in the past was when things got bad I'd take her for some escape weekend and patch things up but after a few months I went back to my bad behavior. About 3 years back she was upset that I was coming home late and when I told her that I was only hanging out with some friends and there was nothing else going on (which was true...I'd NEVER cheat on her), she didn't believe me. I made the mistake of telling her it was "her problem."
Well...she basically decided at that time that she was tired of being "hurt" all the time and closed herself off emotionally from the marriage. Now, 3 years later I find out the truth and she says it way too late to change things. She said that she things I should just find someone else who could make me happy. I told her that she was the only one I ever wanted. When I asked her if we could work things out she said she needed "time to think about it." That was on August 2nd and it's been a month. Still no verbal answer but she hasn’t moved out yet.
I did ask her if there was someone else and at first she said she did not want to tell me. After a week, she finally told me that there was no one else and it was just her. (I also suspect she's pre-menopausal which may cause some of her recent insomnia and mood swings.) She was never the type to have an affair and I want to believe her but there’s no real explanation to why she didn’t just tell me outright.
I've been trying to be a good husband but she rejects my attempts at showing affection and was angry when I tried buying her flowers. I wrote her a letter stating that I was sorry for all I have done and I should have been more attentive and told her how I really feel. I love her more than anything and she's my whole world. I just assumed she knew this. She had even told me that for the past 10 years she assumed that "I was going to leave her." I was astounded by that. I would never do that.
So....here's where I'm at: I truly fear trying the 180 tactic in the book where I start going out and pretending that nothing is wrong because that's exactly what got me into this mess 3 years ago.
I know that chasing her and all those other things aren't working.
I don't want to lose her. She's still with me but I'm always getting mixed signals. Sometime she talks about something that gives me the feeling she's planning on staying and sometimes she's just so distant that I feel she's withdrawing again.
There may be someone else because there are times I can't reach her during the day and she gets upset when I question her. But that could also be her thing about having "her space." I just don’t know for sure and I’m not sure I want to know at this point.
Every time I try to be affectionate I get the feeling she's angry at me. I can't live without her but I can't live this way either because the pain inside is just too much. I find myself not able to work and sometimes I come home (she's home later than I am) and snap at my kids (16 and 19).
Can anyone out there offer me any advice? I'm going on a trip in a few days with my son (father/son vacation) we planned early this year and my wife took time off this week to de-stress from work and do things by herself or with our daughter. That hurt at first because she almost never takes time off and she does it when I'm going away. I'm hoping she just needs some time on her own and felt it would be good without my being around to distract her.
Anyway....I'm rambling on but the pain is so much I just can't stand it. Please....if anyone has advice, let me know.
Thanks in advance!
I've never done anything like this but I feel that maybe someone out there can help. I've read Michelle's books but still don't know what to do.
Here's my story:
Wife dropped the bomb after an argument we had about her needing "her space." I pressed and she basically told me that she is no longer "in love" with me and made herself "hardened" about 3 years ago. She said she was planning on moving out after our son graduates HS in 2 years.
I was devastated! I broke down and told her she was my whole world! I think I briefly got through to her because she said that she wished I had told her that 3 years ago.
We've been married for 26 years and I haven't been the best husband. In fact, I've been very neglectful. My MO in the past was when things got bad I'd take her for some escape weekend and patch things up but after a few months I went back to my bad behavior. About 3 years back she was upset that I was coming home late and when I told her that I was only hanging out with some friends and there was nothing else going on (which was true...I'd NEVER cheat on her), she didn't believe me. I made the mistake of telling her it was "her problem."
Well...she basically decided at that time that she was tired of being "hurt" all the time and closed herself off emotionally from the marriage. Now, 3 years later I find out the truth and she says it way too late to change things. She said that she things I should just find someone else who could make me happy. I told her that she was the only one I ever wanted. When I asked her if we could work things out she said she needed "time to think about it." That was on August 2nd and it's been a month. Still no verbal answer but she hasn’t moved out yet.
I did ask her if there was someone else and at first she said she did not want to tell me. After a week, she finally told me that there was no one else and it was just her. (I also suspect she's pre-menopausal which may cause some of her recent insomnia and mood swings.) She was never the type to have an affair and I want to believe her but there’s no real explanation to why she didn’t just tell me outright.
I've been trying to be a good husband but she rejects my attempts at showing affection and was angry when I tried buying her flowers. I wrote her a letter stating that I was sorry for all I have done and I should have been more attentive and told her how I really feel. I love her more than anything and she's my whole world. I just assumed she knew this. She had even told me that for the past 10 years she assumed that "I was going to leave her." I was astounded by that. I would never do that.
So....here's where I'm at: I truly fear trying the 180 tactic in the book where I start going out and pretending that nothing is wrong because that's exactly what got me into this mess 3 years ago.
I know that chasing her and all those other things aren't working.
I don't want to lose her. She's still with me but I'm always getting mixed signals. Sometime she talks about something that gives me the feeling she's planning on staying and sometimes she's just so distant that I feel she's withdrawing again.
There may be someone else because there are times I can't reach her during the day and she gets upset when I question her. But that could also be her thing about having "her space." I just don’t know for sure and I’m not sure I want to know at this point.
Every time I try to be affectionate I get the feeling she's angry at me. I can't live without her but I can't live this way either because the pain inside is just too much. I find myself not able to work and sometimes I come home (she's home later than I am) and snap at my kids (16 and 19).
Can anyone out there offer me any advice? I'm going on a trip in a few days with my son (father/son vacation) we planned early this year and my wife took time off this week to de-stress from work and do things by herself or with our daughter. That hurt at first because she almost never takes time off and she does it when I'm going away. I'm hoping she just needs some time on her own and felt it would be good without my being around to distract her.
Anyway....I'm rambling on but the pain is so much I just can't stand it. Please....if anyone has advice, let me know.
Thanks in advance!