After 8+months of limbo and 5+months of me being out of the house, W dropped another bomb yesterday in MC saying she is finished and doesn't want to be married to me anymore because she cannot see a light at the end of the tunnel and it has been 8 months already. She would not say that she wanted a divorce or that she was going to do that anytime soon, although she didn't say she wasn't either.
Needless to say, I am pretty devastated at the moment but I am not giving up hope and I am going to work tirelessly on myself to make myself better and more appealing either to her or someone else, but I desperately would rather it be option #1. I still love my W and want us to be a family, but I **HAVE** to learn to detach. I went back to our MC today by myself (W has one on Mon) to discuss what happened yesterday and where do I go from here. I told her that I am not giving up hope and that I will continue to pursue keeping the marriage alive, but that I will do that mainly by trying to better myself. She agreed with me and applauded me for saying this and that she will help keep me accountable and directed on that path.
Can anyone out there (puppy, 25, cg, sandi, anyone) give me some advice and some support on making it through this? My hope is still alive, but it took a major blow yesterday!
LR,
What kind of MC were you seeing? Personally, I don't think MC does much good when one of the people wants out - since I think the sessions often magnify issues...
I'm not too familiar with your sitch - but I would suggest that you do more than just try to reach a point of detachment - think of detaching more as a process, whereby you slowly start to find yourself more and more - and learn more about why it was you needed the person you had found in your W. Some of those things will be good, but some of the things you see will also point you in the right directions in terms of what you have to work on for yourself.
Is there an OM?
I figure you've already read the DB/DR books -and I think it's a good time to reread them - and to allow yourself to feel whatever it is you have to feel. If it's sorrow - allow yourself to feel it and process it - if it's fear - try to figure out what you're afraid of - and see if you can find a way to let go of that fear - which often involves strengthening your belief that you will be all right no matter what happens. I would also highly recommend you read the article about Letting Go at divorceasfriends dot com.
One thing I can say, after having been here for over a year, is that your W's word in MC are pretty standard - and when you hear her say things like that it's sometimes like you're just hearing a person in turmoil thinking aloud - the words might sound like they're said with conviction - but there's often a lot more questioning going on than one might think - which is also why it's so vital to step out of the WAS's drama - to allow your W the space she needs to process what she has to process, while you allow yourself the tranquility you need to rediscover yourself - and to know, with more assurance, that you'll be all right no matter what.
BTW...something you wrote really jumped out at me - "I am going to work tirelessly on myself to make myself better and more appealing either to her or someone else" - I think that approach might put you on the wrong path...don't worry about being more appealing to her or someone else right now - focus on making right with yourself - so that you have a healthy kind of love for who you are - achieving that kind of healthy love for oneself will make you more appealing to others - without making you subject to your needs or expectations of another person (which never makes for a healthy relationship).
-Carlos.
Hey Razor,
I couldn't find you for the longest time..sorry to find you in this spot.
What's the latest with OM?
Healthydad,
Wow, thank you for your words of encouragement. We have been seeing the MC since March and since that time she has gone from "wanting to want to" to this. And yes there is/was an OM. He was a guy from my kids school that became a family friend and more. She swears it was nothing physical and she was emotionally connected to him due to lack of that to me. She also says that problems in our M have nothing to do with OM, and while I do agree that we had some problems with my temper (which now is very under control, I don't lash out verbally ever anymore) and my lack of deep emotional connection, we did have good times (lots of them) and it wasn't until he came into the picture that she really changed her personality and everything towards me and her family. This OM did work for the family business but now he is gone and still doesn't have a job after about 4 months. He is also the basketball coach for my D's team which really makes things awkward and bad. I think that she definitely still has feelings for him and that is in part fueling this separation with me.
I will go back and reread the books, its been since January that I read them and a lot has happened in that time. I never really grasped the concepts and didn't give the space she needed.
I am hoping that this is just script and that she will not go out and get a lawyer and file right away. I don't think she will do that, but I didn't think she would ever get with anyone else either.
When I wrote the working tirelessly on myself, I mean that in the best way possible. I need and want to do this for myself and if it helps to soften my W's heart then that is just a bonus. But that is definitely what I want to happen eventually and if it doesn't then I will have to reevaluate what I want in life if she will not be apart of it. I try not to think about those things, but after yesterday it seems like I should think of that possibility now.
Thank you again for posting and I hope you will keep up with me in the future because I definitely need it.
Stronger,
How are you doing? I need to catch up on your sitch! I changed my name and I think I got lost in the shuffle. Read above to see about the OM. He is still lurking in the shadows I think!?!?
Hi LR1,
What needs of hers are you not meeting?
Are you familiar with the book "The secret"? If not, Read it ASAP! Do not fear D, or it will manifest itself.......Face your fear. Set your W free.....Work on you. Become the best you you can.....
Hey you
I changed my name too from Almostdonebut...to Stronger.
I think you can do this. I think we're still in the script mode here....I'm about to bug out of work here but I'll be back soon to "talk" to you.
LR1,
Read Kevin's thread -- and do the opposite of what he's done.
DW,
I have been following Kevin's thread for a long time now and have learned a lot from all of the help and attention he has been receiving. I actually went to Dallas and had dinner with him and we had a good long talk. Thank you for coming over here and posting your reply. Please keep coming back!!
LR1,
What is the sitch w/your children? How much do you have them?
Just to give her some space right now, could you cease contacting her, except in regard to the children?
What are you doing to GAL, 180's, etc.
Just got back from the movie, went to see GI Joe and it was pretty good if you like action! I called my friend who is a personal trainer and she is coming over to my apartment complex gym on Monday to set me up on a program and don't worry, she is a friend to both of us and there is no chance of anything between us.
I can spend as much time with my kids as I want. That is one area where she is being very good in all of this. She is flexible and wants them to spend as much time with me as I want. Right now, they are spending the night with me 3 nights per week and I spend all day on Sunday with them and her too some going to church, playing, ect. The other 3 nights per week she has them. That will probably change some once school starts but we need to get that setup.
I am definitely giving her space and taking this time of no more MC to give her a break and space, with no pressure about being with me. Who knows if that will change anything but that is all I know to do at this point.
As far as me, like I said earlier I am setting up a workout program at my apartment and will probably get her to train me once per week or every two and then I will do the others myself. I can't really afford a full-time trainer right now. I definitely need to get back into the groove on working out as weight has been an issue for me for the last 10-12 years. I need to lose a good 35-40 pounds and need to do it now! I am continuing to work on my spiritual health as well and will have my men's group starting back up every Friday morning next month. I take the kids to church almost every Sunday and will continue that as well as reading the bible and other books. My apartment complex also has a golf course on it so I have been playing a lot of golf and that is part of my rent so no expense there. Football season is starting next month also and I am a huge fan and we have our college team here and I will be going to all of the games. Once I lose the weight I am looking to lose, then I will go out and update my clothes, although I think I have always been a good dresser and I think wife would agree although its pretty conservative (Polos, jeans, khakis, ect.) Nothing wild.
Anyway, thats what I am doing right now and if you or anyone has other suggestions, I am all ears.
LR,
Sounds like you have your head in the right place. I agree with working on the mind, body and religion. Can't go wrong with that combination - it has done wonders for my confidence and brought me a lot of peace.
Good luck.
Hey LR1
My H said and wrote the meanest things.
For example read below....this was an email in April.
W, I don't want to fix things.
That's the thing that is most sh!tty, that I feel sh!tty about, but it is what it is. I don't want to fix anything. Too much has happened, too much has gone on, and I don't want it anymore. No more "discussions". Just no more.
We can still do things with S together. We can still do things together. But I don't want to fix anything. I'm ready for it to end. It already has ended and I don't want to start anything over again.
I'm sorry it's come to this, I really am. But it is here. And it's got nothing to do with anyone else but me and you. I am not in love. Being in love is super important to me. I am not. And too much sh!t has happened where I'm not going to be able to get there with you again. We can be friends, we should be friends. Not just for S but for us. But that's it. It's time to go forward with the divorce. Tell me what you want and lets iron out the details and lets get it done.
I am sorry. Really and truly.
And here is another one from July.
i am trying.
i am trying to figure out what is the best thing to do with my life - kind of a scary place to be right now.
i am saying that just as you need to work on sh!t on your own, i do too. we've been good for a while b/c you did stop bringing it up...(R talks) and b/c i'm still trying to figure out what's the best thing for me to do for the long haul. i know what others tell me to do. i've seen (a little too close up) what happens when you let other people sway your opinion about this stuff. that's not going to be me. so i'm going to do this at my own speed. if that's not good enough for you, i'll understand. that'll make the decision for me. but you were right about 1 thing... i want to be sure. i have always wanted to be sure. maybe my actions and decisions were a little too influenced by others leading up to this. so i need to figure this out for myself right now.
i do know that i am looking forward to taking you to dinner (at the beach) for your birthday. i did have a nice time with you last weekend. since you've been a little more "interested and involved" i like staying with you more and i have always liked sleeping in the same bed with you - especailly now that you let me cuddle up more... but i still can't trust that all that isn't bullsh!t. i still can't trust that it wont all crumble in a second. so i still am not sure. and it's going to take time to get sure. i don't want to fight with you. i know you're not happy about things i did. i know you need to decide for yourself too. so let's just leave all this in the box and bury that sh!t really deep in the forest behind the house and not go dig it up ever again. i think that will start us in the right direction to figure out what we each need and really want.
you and me being really real, that is what will help us out...
kay?
if this makes you angry, i'm sorry... but i don't want to talk anymore. not with you, not with anyone. i just want it all to stop.
My birthday weekend was AWESOME and it was all because of him. And that made it even better.
and there have been more emails and conversations about how he wants to keep working, at his pace and figuring things out, at his pace. I don't want to put my H out there on this board, but I think it would be important for you to see what can happen when you work on you AND you really really listen to them. Not to say I haven't screwed up since getting this email and I haven't had blow ups with him, I have. BUT things are SO much better now. As Mach1 says, I was finally able to "install the filter".
One of the changes I've made for me that benefits him.....he said I stopped being fun. I asked for examples....I thought about what he said. I thought about what I wanted to do FOR ME. One thing I've done....I've really spiced things back up for us on a personal level. It was something I did before we had our S. It was something I stopped after S was born. I used the excuse that I was tired or just not in the mood. Basically, I took away something from him that he really enjoyed. But I brought it back because I realize I TOOK IT AWAY FROM MYSELF!! I enjoyed that part of our relationship a lot too. I was depriving me. I'm willing to bring this back into our lives, because I'm willing to do it for the rest of my life.
I also know H would like me to hang out, drink and party more, maybe not like we used to before S, but more. This is something he's going to have to deal with because that's just not something I'm willing to do for the rest of my life. And again, I'm not really sure what he would like in this aspect of our lives because I don't plan to ask....I don't know what would constitute "more". And I don't plan to ask because I don't plan to change, drinking on a regular basis like we did before S....it's not something I can do for the rest of my life and it's not something I want to do just for right now to "save my marriage". I like to get a little tipsy once every three or four months. Getting drunk is just NOT a big deal for me. Every now and then, it's a release. But doing it too often, it's a bad dangerous habit. I think we could be on the same page there, or I hope we are. He hasn't brought it up either and he's not held me down and made me do a beer bong!
Hang in there LR1. I did and things are much better now. A lot more relaxed which I love.
Thanks Stronger,
I am trying to do some of those things and will continue to try as hard as I can to be a better person, man, and father and if given the opportunity husband. Today, I am feeling pretty good considering how bleak things look. I have actually slept all night the last two nights without any sleeping pills!!!
About to go pick up my son for a guys night. We are heading to a baseball game and then going back to the apartment to play guitar hero and watch a movie. Tomorrow, both of them are spending the night with me and then Sunday its church and then hanging out for the day. They will keep me busy this weekend on their last one of the summer before school starts next week.
[quote=LR1]Stronger,
How are you doing? I need to catch up on your sitch! I changed my name and I think I got lost in the shuffle.
Yes LR1-- you did get lost in the shuffle! How about Retrovaille? Any chance she'd go? Look it up if you are unfamiliar with it but the couples who host it have been through A LOT WORSE than you have, trust me, I know. And they are working their marriages out, and are glad to be m, so it has helped very troubled M's for years now. Any chance? You could argue that it would even help smooth things out IF you div, so that maybe she'd come without feeling a lot of pressure. It does not hit you over the head with "Staying together at all costs" but rather, shows that you can reconnect, and start over and how worth it, that is...just a thought.
Will catch up more on your thread later. I still think your w is in MLC, but so what? Still hurts the same.
keep at it, DETACH and GAL...
j-
So sorry you are in this sitch, but here's a few ideas...
Other books you may want down the road are "Manifest Your Destiny" by Wayne Dyer (which preceded "The Secret" and discusses more about how to manifest LOVE in your life and peace in the world, not so much about getting more wealth or a promotion or a new car, etc. (Not that I'm putting "The Secret" down, but it just amazes me that so many people were surprised by the premise b/c it is not new. IOW, Your thoughts affect you and your life, period, Directly or indirectly. Therefore, Change your thought patterns, and your life changes..which = PMA, obviously.)
For now, I highly recommend "Return to Love" by Marianne WIlliamson b/c it is about teaching you how to forgive, not just telling you to do it. You know you have to do forgive to detach OR move on successfully in the M. Or just to live happily...forgiveness is key no matter what. And you know enough to know that forgiveness is for YOU, not her or condoning her or not making her accountable (God's job, not yours). Forgiveness frees YOU...and only you can do it, with God's help. It is very empowering. If you don't like her writing, get something else on forgiveness.
Have you read the Five Love Languages by Chapman, also? I realize it may seem late for that, but it's not. ANd as I posted elsewhere to you, do you think she would attend Retrovaille? The couples there have seen some serious trouble, worse than yours my friend. Seriously. And they're still married and NOT miserable...Give it some thought and see if she'd consider it if you word it in a way that reveals you are not pressuring her to do anything but get there, b/c honestly, even if you do divorce, going to the Retrovaille weekend would soften her heart and yours, and that cannot be bad for your children. Whatever it takes, just get her there IF you can...and NO couple is turned down for lack of funds. I know this for a fact. After my h and I attended we donated anonymously, as did many other couples. (Our donation covered our costs and the costs of another couple, just for this reason.)
Good luck Razor (or LR1), and I'll check your thread later but can't now. IN fact am going on a "marriage retreat" with H tomorrow, so won't post for a few days.
If we can make it, and I think we have, you can.
j-
Right now I don't believe she would go to Retrovaille. I just looked it up and there is one upcoming a couple of hours away in September. I went by the house today and saw that she grilled out steaks for two last night and I am 99% sure it was the OM. I just can't wrap my mind around this and why? What is the attraction? I also found a love poem written by him to her. Its unbelievable right now. I was doing pretty good until today, I am so down right now!
Read Kevin's thread -- and do the opposite of what he's done.
DW, I agree.
Kevin
LR1-
Wow, 25 is stopping by. Listen to her and learn!!
And Kevin -- glad you have a sense of humor!
Stacy
Prepare yourself for a long ride LR1. Wait it out and be patient. These things don't usually last forever.
Kevin
Don't get too down or for too long, for a whole bunch of reasons, starting with the kids.
Don't rule out Retrovaille b/c you saw 2 steaks, or thought you did, on her grill. So what? Ask her....what have you got to lose? And Look how much power you gave the steaks on a grill image.
"Bet that means it was OM and then they had great sex and all she thought the WHOLE time was how much she hates you and how much she loves him..." NOT!! He has no job, he is a coach, not a dad, he is NOT a good catch but he pays attention to her and got her pity, and you guys have some issues in the m. FIX your part of "the issues" and don't worry so much about that guy. He's not the man she'll run off with unless I'm way way off.
If so, she's not well...he ain't a good catch and how else can I say that? He is not a famous author or Wall Street big shot, he's more or less a semi-failure right? I mean honestly...
I know it hurts badly, but you are giving THAT OM too much credit...imo.
Hang in there and don't assume so much negatively.
j-
Right now I don't believe she would go to Retrovaille. I just looked it up and there is one upcoming a couple of hours away in September. I went by the house today and saw that she grilled out steaks for two last night and I am 99% sure it was the OM. I just can't wrap my mind around this and why? What is the attraction? I also found a love poem written by him to her. Its unbelievable right now. I was doing pretty good until today, I am so down right now!
STOP, STOP, STOP obsessing about your wife. It is NOT constructive, and it will get you nowhere.
I was serious when I told you to read Kevin's thread, and do the opposite. This is typical Kevin, mind-reading, projecting, etc.
Focus on YOU and the kids.
Detach, detach, detach.
There's a good link reagarding loving detachment -- I'll post it here if I can find it.
Stacy
Really LR....detach.
I think it would be a true 180 for you say to your W, Enough. You've been in charge too long and frankly, I hate how you're running things....IMO, you're running things into the ground.
Detach.
I am doing better today. Yesterday was a little better than Saturday. It was hard for me to see that stuff and then have my mind go to places I didn't want it to, but I got over it. Sunday I took the kids to play mini-golf and to the mall. Overall, it was a pretty good weekend. One small setback was when I took the kids back home on Sunday I didn't call ahead and just showed up. This was not calculated, I am just not in the habit of having to call ahead to actually show up at my home. But she was in a heated discussion with her parents on the phone and had been crying. She walked out of the bedroom with the phone to her ear and I shook my head which was a big mistake. She got really ticked off at me and got after me pretty good. I did apologize for doing that and then things got better. We had a talk with D11 about not playing basketball this year and just sticking with dance which she has 3 nights per week in addition to her starting 5th grade which will be harder and more homework. She makes really good grades but she does getting frustrated at times with all she has to do so we are just trying to free up some time and pressure for her.
LR,
Please listen to Stronger and me.
Let her go -- and work on you. Be there for your children. Stop your constant temperature taking regarding your W.
Stronger,
I'm changing my screen name on here, and am looking for suggestions - if you have any let me know!
I'll look for you on FB!!
LR - sorry to hijack.
Stacy
Hey DW
Tried to find your posts, but couldn't.... where you be?
New names....those are fun.
I like something with "Dish" in it. A serious throwback to Garbo and Monroe. And I mean "Dish" as in you're delicious. Maybe we need to acknowledge the metaphor implies women are just objects to be consumed by men, but I want to argue that the term conveys that women are something you need to survive. And we all know that's the truth.
But let me keep thinking
You do need to start turning your back.
Why did you shake your head?
Stronger,
I haven't posted on my thread since December. I'm just done with him, there was nothing more to say regarding him or us.
That's why I want a new name -- might start a new thread also!!
I like your "dish" idea -- politics aside, it's a great place to start. Thanks!!
Stacy
Stronger,
I think "dish" is a great name.
I guess I shook my head because of all of the crap that has happened with her phone. All of the secrecy and texts and phone calls to OM had just built up resentment and mistrust in me and I did that unconsciously? It was wrong and it did cause her to get very ticked at me which I don't need right now or ever.
Everyone is right, I need to detach and I need some direction on "how" to do that.
Take up a new hobby.do something you always wanted to but were to married to try( just kiddin )point is keep busy if your train of thought is on something else it cant be on her.concentrate on yourself and your kids.It's not easy but if you don't put in the effort, it wont happen.
God Bless
LR, I think you have learned in the past what you need to do. I know we've told you about new things to try and hobbies, etc. You seem resitant to new opportunities and such. But the truth of the matter is that what you are going to have to do. You seem to think it won't work. It will. It will occupy you and your mind.
Believe me, I know there are days when I'm doing my yoga, exercising, tennis, out with friends, whatever and my mind just goes to H. I hate it. It always seems to happen when it's my serve. But I get myself back under control....I get my mind back and continue with my deal of the moment.
You have to LR. You have to do this or you're going to sink. She's super pissed at everyone right now, so clear the way. Let her attack everyone but you.
LR what is the current situation between you & your wife?
Are you legally separated?
What about custody, is it legal shared/joint custody?
Who decided to move out?
Did she ask you to move out?
Is it still your home?
I'm telling you all of this because I was out of my home for several months and when my wife started pulling all of this same crap, the switch finally flipped inside of me that I wouldn't be disrespected anymore.
Are you going to flip that respect switch on and demand respect for yourself or are you going to sit in your little apartment posting on this forum about how much she's hurting you and giving us all the details.
If there is no legal separation in place, I'm going to ask you to do what needs to be done and you're going to decide hopefully to do it if you want any chance at turning this around.
Move back in.
Any excuses you have as to why this isn't possible don't matter.
Move back home.
If that is your home and she is having the other man over there and you aren't there - you need to move back home.
She can stay or she can leave but she can definitely stop having that OM over to feed him steaks & sex. It may be the scariest thing you'll ever do but it will be the best thing you can do.
You need to start respecting yourself and that means standing up to your wife and stopping her crap treatment of you.
Don't ask her if you can move back in.
You're not seeking her approval.
You have to have the attitude that this marriage is done, in fact the sooner you have this attitude, the greater your chances of turning this marriage around will be.
Move back in.
If you are legally separated and you have agreed on paper to move out, have it changed, spend the money on a lawyer and get it done. If you're name is still on the title of that home, that means you are still the owner (half owner at at any rate) and no one can force you out of your home except for you.
I hope you read this soon and get off your duff and grab those raisins you call balls out of your wife's purse and do what's best for you.
The several months leading up to this point have demonstrated that whatever you have been doing is not working, in fact, the opposite has occurred, your wife is feeding another man and having sex with another man in your home. If this doesn't make you realize that your situation isn't going to change unless you make it change, nothing will.
LR,
Robx has a big point. Enough of the "wait and see" stuff. Really, enough. If she won't go to Retrovaille (and maybe she would if you showed some more backbone, sorry to say but you are coming off as weak), and she resists everything you have done, try a TRULY NEW approach.
And don't just do it for 3 days. It's all about "change + time" = HER perception maybe changing. You have not done the biggest changes of detachment, and you sure haven't given any new approach enough time. Just saying, you need to move forward with the idea that she won't come back and yet that you'll be fine, BUT that you insist on being in your own home with your children...and if she re-thinks things great, if not, you're in a better position anyway. If you'd actually stop pursuing HER, but take care of your kids, THAT'S a different approach!
Seriously consider Robx' idea. WHat is it you think you'll lose by doing something like this?
J-
Well, I have terrible news. W told me tonight that she went to see a lawyer yesterday to ask questions. He is a big time ball breaker from what I have heard and I guess this is going to happen. We talked for over an hour about it and I never cried, begged, asked why, anything like that. Just asked what were the questions and what was his answers and she told me. She said that she told him that I was a good person and great dad and that we wanted to have joint custody and that I would get my fair share of all of our/her assets. I did ask her if she was 100% sure about this and she said she couldn't say 100% sure, but that she didn't see it working out. She said that she is numb to me and her family and has no emotions left for us. She doesn't want to hurt me and doesn't want to make this ugly or any harder than it needs to be. I was strong and just said ok, I guess I need to go get a lawyer too now. I asked her if she was filing soon and she said that she didn't know but she would keep me in the loop and not spring any surprises on me.
I was strong to her, but I don't think I will be able to sleep now tonight. This is a devastating blow she threw at me tonight and I am not sure how I will recover.
I have thought about robx's idea and now if this is what she wants and wants to do this clean and nice, I don't want to rock the boat and make this an ugly divorce. I don't want D'd period, but a clean one is better than a dirty one IMO. If I move back home, things will get bad. And this big home we live in was paid for with her money. I work and she stays home, but it was her inheritance that paid for it and I pay for all of the upkeep and everything else. But I can't see me moving home and telling her to leave "her" house. I am going to continue trying to make the changes and see if she notices or changes her heart but I really believe that is all fantasy now. She wants this and has her mind made up. She is so distant and cold hearted toward me I dont think she will ever get the wall down between us. She said 4 or 5 times tonight that it was just too late.
I am going to continue trying to make the changes and see if she notices or changes her heart
This may not be what you want to hear but do not do anything for her. If you want to change something in yourself do it for you. If you are doing it to try and make her notice she will see straight through you. If you work on you for you it becomes natural and much easier. Not a walk in the park kind of easy but true change takes away the need for faking it.
Start tonight. Change your attitude to one of hope regardless of the outcome you will be a better person for the experience. It may not seem like it now, but you will. Not saying it will be fun or easy but you really don't have a choice.
One more thing. A D takes time so relax. Do what you have to do to protect yourself but realize you will not be divorced tommorow.
I know you are hurting but there are better days ahead. Good luck you have allot of people pulling for you!
Update: I just got back from dinner with my sis and her husband who are visiting from Dallas to get their son (my neph) moved into the dorm for his freshman year. Exciting times for them. They are being very supportive of me in this terrible sitch.
I went to see a L today for the first time to get some info. The meeting went really good and he is one of the best if not the best L in town. I just want to protect myself from this crazy person I used to know. The weird part right now is I think that reality is hitting me and detachment is occurring pretty fast. I am kind of OK with all of this right now. Who knows if that will change, but I know that I will be OK through all of this if she follows through with the D. I found some indisputable proof last night that the EA is a PA and I will leave it at that, but I found that out about 10 minutes before she told me she saw a L. That is probably fueling my detachment and I think this is a good thing. I now get to work on me for no other reason except to better myself and make the best of my life and my children's lives.
LR,
Happy to see you went to a L to protect yourself and your children.
This is about you being the best you for you and your kids. Please stop snooping, now that you know, it'll only tear you up to keep digging.
Trust me, I know.
Praying for you and yours. Take care.
Stacy
DW,
I am done snooping, I have had this for months and I finally figured out what it was and now that I know, Im done. No need for that anymore and while it does hurt and hurt bad to know that she did this, it is also giving me a weird feeling of relief in that I now know the truth even though she continues to lie. It makes it easier to detach and not focus every waking moment on her and the R or lack thereof.
Thank you so much for stopping by and responding. I really couldn't be making it through all of this without all of you supporting me!
LR1
I totally agree with initial snooping to figure out what the truth is. But once you know, if you KEEP snooping you just torture yourself so much.
Ofcourse it hurts, but as all of us can tell you here. It will get better. Not for awhile, but you've turned a corner.
Good for you.
Stacy
Nothing new today. Although last night W texted me at 7:30 asking if I was ok and then again at 9:40 and I didn't answer either text. She then called me at 4am because she was worried. I answered the phone b/c I thought something might be wrong with kids or something. I was nice but just said I was fine and asleep and sorry I didn't respond. I'm not sure what to think of this other than she is not used to me not responding to her. I dunno?
She called me this morning to plan the weekend for me and the kids. They are staying with me tonight and one of D's friends is coming over to spend the night. We should have a good time. Tomorrow night I am going with a friend from work to a local MMA fighting event. That should be fun too.
Sunday is my in-laws 40th wedding anniversary and W asked me over to the party so I am going to be over there with a smile on my face and act as if nothing is wrong and I am fine.
Should be a busy weekend, enough journaling - off to get the kids
Pretty uneventful weekend as far as W goes. I went to church yesterday by myself and W took the kids and sat with her sis and parents. Yesterday's sermon was on adultery! I can not believe she was able to sit through that sermon, I was uncomfortable and I am not the one committing it. Her sis did tell me that she cried a lot during church, but I doubt it affected her at all. I also found out more stuff and I wasn't even looking for it.
I really think this thing is about to come to a head as far as it being in the open, instead of just the family knowing. My sister called me yesterday and said that she got an email from her niece from college that described my wife and OM stating that OM told her he was dating my wife and had been for a year and that we were getting D'd and he was moving into my house.
Reality is about to hit my W and her boytoy. He is has no job, no education and expects to live off my wife's money, to which she doesn't have and what she does have I will be taking half. I need to talk to my L and see how adultery matters in child custody. I have no idea, does anyone out there know? You would think that it would, but who knows.
It depends on if you live in a no fault state. I don't know what Arkansas is. Texas is a no fault so it really doesn't matter. However, I do know that in Texas if the one committing adultery introduces the kids to OM while you 2 are married, that can play into your favor big time with a judge. My W hasn't made that serious mistake yet.
Get a free consultation with a L. They can tell you all the ins and outs. I would go to more than just one also.
In the mean time, keep praying for your M to be restored.
Kevin
I have already acquired a VERY good L and I will ask him. I was looking for some free advice here
This kid was our baby sitter, not now of course, but they have taken the kids to dinner just about a month ago although it was with another guy as well, not sure if that matters. I am not sure how the no fault works, but in AR you can file no fault if living apart for 18 months, adultery, impotence, drugs, jail time, and a few others, otherwise you have to have something the court deems worthy of divorce.
My L told me that he doesn't think she has a case to file, but I do. Now I don't want to break up my family and get D, so that is not what I want to do, BUT I don't want this freaking guy to move into my house with my kids! If he is in the picture, I want them as far away from him as possible!
I went to see a L today for the first time to get some info. The meeting went really good and he is one of the best if not the best L in town. I just want to protect myself from this crazy person I used to know. The weird part right now is I think that reality is hitting me and detachment is occurring pretty fast. I am kind of OK with all of this right now. Who knows if that will change, but I know that I will be OK through all of this if she follows through with the D. I found some indisputable proof last night that the EA is a PA and I will leave it at that, but I found that out about 10 minutes before she told me she saw a L. That is probably fueling my detachment and I think this is a good thing. I now get to work on me for no other reason except to better myself and make the best of my life and my children's lives.
LR,
Been following your thread and can sympathize for you since I'm in the same boat. I'm curious...what type of advice did the lawyer give? I'm in North Carolina and although our D will be 10 months down the road, I talked to someone at a law firm and they told me the courts don't care about an A unless the wife is asking for alimony. And in that case, she would be hard pressed to get it. But as for assets and children, 50/50 is usually the norm regardless of the circumstances. I think that's a terrible law since any spouse that has an A and puts him/herself before his/her children should have to suffer by losing some custody.
I had my weekly session with my MC today and she told me a couple things you may find helpful:
1. SLOW DOWN! D is a long way down the road (for me) and I don't need to make any rash decisions.
2. Do not push my WAS to end her PA and come move back home. If she does this, she will only continue to have feelings for the OM and try to see him behind my back. She said go NC and let the PA die it's natural death, which it will.
3. I would love to have full custody of my children and thought about asking my wife for it. But my MC said don't do it...my W needs to be stressed now by her job, OM AND the kids. She needs to feel what it's like to live that life. And besides, taking the kids 100% will only give her more time to spend with the OM.
I'm in agreement there. I think if you have an A, you should lose rights to the kids when you D.
Kevin
I'm in agreement there. I think if you have an A, you should lose rights to the kids when you D.
Kevin
If my W and I reconcile, which I don't see happening, I was thinking about having her sign a legal document saying if she cheats again, she forfeits all child custody. Not sure if that would hold up in court though.
If my W and I reconcile, which I don't see happening, I was thinking about having her sign a legal document saying if she cheats again, she forfeits all child custody. Not sure if that would hold up in court though.
Don't count on it. The courts these days are way to liberal. And I doubt she would sign it anyways.
Kevin
WF,
As far as D goes, she hasn't filed.... yet and I am not sure how it would take. If we agreed to everything, it would only take 30 days, but my L said she doesn't have a no fault case and I could push it out to 18 months outside of the home, which in my case has already been 6, so it would be a year from now.
W told me that her L said she will get full custody and I am pushing for joint. She was in agreement to that until her L said otherwise. We will see on that but I will go to war on that.
As far as assets go, my L said that I am entitled to 1/2 so again, we will see if it comes to that.
My W is someone I don't even know anymore. She is not even remotely the same person as she used to be. I can't stand knowing that this little punk is with her and there is nothing that I can do about it.
I need to get caught up on your sitch. I will go over and do that now. Thanks for posting and you hang in there and we can help each other!
It is the alien that has taken over them. None of us know who our S is anymore. They have all changed on us. That is why we are here.
I have to take off, but will post more later.
Good luck,
Kevin
My W is someone I don't even know anymore. She is not even remotely the same person as she used to be.
You're describing my W too. I have no clue who this woman is right now.
Going to MC today by myself, W went yesterday. I have gone almost completely dark since she told me about the getting a L. I haven't been calling her or texting her at all, but if she calls I will answer most of the time and be nice, but always end the conversation first. Not sure if it is working at all, but last night she texted me that she hopes I am doing ok and she has really been thinking about me and praying for me. Now I am not sure what that means, but I am taking that as a positive. She also texted me late asking who this new friend (girl) was on FB and I never responded last night and then she called me first thing this morning to ask it. So again, I think she is thinking about me and wondering about things, which I guess is good?
I have been hanging with friends a lot and have started a diet this week with Metabolic Research Center and it is going good so far. I have lost 7 lbs so far and will stick with this no matter what!
I have a new schedule now with the kids and will be getting them every W, T, F and all day Sat which is going to be better instead of breaking it up. The kids are really excited to see me and last night d11 emailed me telling me how much she missed me and wanted me to come back home and be with them and that she loved me more the whole world
That made me feel good and sad at the same time.
journaling over
She also texted me late asking who this new friend (girl) was on FB and I never responded last night and then she called me first thing this morning to ask it. So again, I think she is thinking about me and wondering about things, which I guess is good?
I see this work quite often. It peaks their curiosity about you again. It gets them thinking about you again.
This may be a good thing.
Kevin
Haven't posted in a few weeks, but it is official - W filed for divorce today. My L called me and said he received the notice. I will be talking to him tomorrow more in depth. Things go from bad to worse!
W texted me this morning and asked me to lunch. Not sure what this means but I am about to leave to meet her. I talked with L today and he said that he did receive the petition and have setup a meeting for tomorrow. This lunch should be very interesting!
let us know...Be strong.
Burt
Well, nothing came of lunch whatsoever. She never spoke a word about the D and anything about us. We just talked as friends. I finally asked her if there was a reason she asked me to lunch out of the blue and she said she was just trying to be nice and not to talk about D, but said we could if I wanted to. I said that was great and nice and I appreciate her asking but I assumed due to the timing of me finding out about the D being filed the night before the invite that it was about that. She agreed to that, but said it wasn't the case. I asked her if she has talked to her L anymore and she said not since she told him to file last week. I asked her what the next step was and she said she didn't know and was going to take a few days to get her head on straight before she talks to him again.
We left on a good note yesterday but I haven't talked or texted her since. I have been on the deep underground for the last two weeks. No communication at all unless it is necessary logistical stuff. I am nice when I do, but I just don't do it much at all and I never initiate. This is a big 180 for me right now. Pretty sure it doesn't matter at this point, but that is what I am doing.
I am leaving to meet with my L right now. Updates later today.
Updates? By the way it does matter at this point.
Burt
Thanks dburt,
I met with my L and saw the filed paperwork. He sent in our response to it and I received that in the mail yesterday. I guess that I am in wait and see mode, I am staying dark and not calling or texting her unless it is necessary. Same as I described above.
She is distant as ever and seems to be just fine with this decision. The kids don't know about this yet and I don't think I am going to be the one to tell them. This is what she wants so I think it should be up to her to tell them that she wants a D. I guess if she came to me and talked to me about it and asked if I would talk to the kids with her, I would be there for support for them. But she wants this free lifestyle with no commitments or anything and she will have to live with the consequences in my opinion.
Enough rambling. What kind of advice can I get to do from here. She has officially filed, so what do I do from here to help save the marriage, if that is even possible.
LR1
Hello LR1,
My lawyer estimates that 1/3 of those who file for divorce never finalize it. So don't give up hope just yet. Just focus on the DB principles for now. I'm sure someone else will chime in with better suggestions. Hang in there.
-LFH
Update:
D is moving along. I filed my response and we are now working on financial details. W is still HEAVY involved with OM and doesn't seem to care about it one bit as far as I am concerned. She called me this morning and said some people were very interested in buying our home. I guess she is going to go through with everything and move on with her life. I will have to as well.