Hey,
My story is the same as everyone else's. I've been married for 14 yrs. We have 3 beautiful children, 2 girls and 1 boy. Our big blow was back in June of 08. I got a text message from a friend I had been seeing but stopped after a while. She saw it and it was all down hill from there. I wasn't the same, I was caught off guard and couldn't get a grip on our marriage or my life. We had been through alot in 14 yrs. She had suggested counseling but I was against it. It seemes that we were never on the same page. When one of us would try, the other was just being stupid. We've both done some really stupid stuff to each other, I'm sure she had an affair or two. I have some proof. But I don't care anymore, arguing about the past never made anything better.
I moved out back on 11/01/08, then moved back into the house on 01/31/09. Then she moved out. I've been in the house since, I fought off foreclosure and now have to figure out how to keep my house and keep seeing my kids.
I have read the book and it has been a HUGE eye opener. In my opinion, all of our problems have been for a lack of commuincation. We were just being ignorant. And now we've hurt our kids and family.
One of the biggest problems I had with her was when she told our kids we were getting a divorce. The kids were devasted. Then to find out, she had no money for a divorce or monjey to move out. But here is the thing, I knew we would work it out. But I guess by then she was considered the walk away wife.
Sh seems to have associated herself with single, youger, friends and divorced folks. I've been the opposite, hanging out with married friends and trying to keep a level head.
I've prayed, lit candles and am trying to stay as positive as possible. My kids help to keep me going on the sstraight and narrow. I don't know what I would do without them. I've lost over 60 pounds since this whole ordeal. I guess that's one good thing. I do have trouble sleeping at night, worrying about my wife, the kids, sit up at night praying and thinking.
It just amazes me to see how many of us have the same stories. It's mind boggling.
I want my wife back. I want my family whole again. I'm just taking it one day at a time. Please keep the faith, don't stop praying.
Hey keep up the fight for what is right, I fully your strength and bravery.
jaguilar,
Keep the faith, keep DBing and you will get some good advice here.
Thanks, I appreciate you guys. She's been calling a lot this week. I've been very nice but over doing it. It's just hard trying to prepare yourself for divorce and the possibility that she may come back home. With my work hours, I can only see the kids on the weekends. It used to be ard because my mind would wonder and I would start to get myself going, who is she with, what is she doing. I'm getting that part of this ugliness inder control.
I did retain a lawyer back in ay of 08. I only did it becasue she told she had a lawyer since 11/07. When I gave her the attorneys card, she was floored. I ahven't spoken to the attorney since then. Well this past week, I fired the attorney. I told my wife a month ago that I was not filing for divorce, had no intentions of doing it. Personally, I can't work on myself and hope she comes back to me and still work with an attorney, to me that just doesn't sound right. I've been up front and honest with her but yet, still playing it close to the vest. I don't know maybe a dumb move, but it's wehat I feel in my heart.
So right about now, I start getting down on myself. So it's time I go for a run. I always think about Forrest Gump, "I just started running." LOL - makes me feel good and too tired to worry about anything else. My goal is to run a marathon in November.
Thanks again friends...
I do have a question. In the beginning, she stated that she wanted to see an LMFT (Life Marriage Fanily Therapist), so I picked one, But she wanted to see one to prepare our children for the divorce. I wanted to see her so that we could learn how to communicate and start to become friends and move on from there. We found out a lot on the first session but since then she has not been going. I think she is afraid to go but I still want to go because it feels good walking out of that office. When the appointments are scheduled, I'll send her a text letting her know when the next appointment is, she will repsond with an ok or thanks. She has said that she does want to go but not for the therapist to get us back together. I know that she is aware that an LMFT or any other therapists job is to prepare your kids for divorce. So I just take it one day at a time and move forward. What do you guys think?
Joey
Well all last week she was in a good mood. Always texting and checking on me, not sure what that was about. I tried to keep a level head. The other day I got some papers about our house, it was in foreclosure and it was stopped. She knew I wanted the house and then she said she wanted the house, it went back and forth until I moved out and then back in. Now she won't sign the papers because she doesn't want to be financial responsible for the house. Thing is, she didn't a dime towards the house when she was in it while I was gone.
I don't get her and now when we talk she's back to email. What bothers me is that she was supposed to take the kids out of town for spring break. Now she says she can't go and that I have to take care of the kids on Saturday so she can go to a wedding. I told her that I had plans on Saturday. So now she is back to email and just loves twisting my words around. Getting very frustrated.
Its been hard but I do not call her or email her. She is very quick to call at least 3 or 4 times and not leave a voice mail. She'll text me to call her ASAP and I try to wait at least an hour or so. To me its not the way to communicate.
It does sound like communication is a big part of the problem in your M, both by your own admission and by seeing what you two are doing. What exactly is your reason for not taking her calls? I understand if you are trying to show that you are independent and not acting clingy and such, but it sounds like this is more of the same kind of behavior that has landed you here in the first place?
Maybe I'm wrong, but it seems to me that maybe opening the lines of communication and, at least, taking her calls might be seen as a 180 on your part?
Yes, I was doing just that. I'm just trying to show her that I'm doing fine. Another reason is when ever I call her, she never picks up or calls in a timely manner. It's as if she is calling all the shots and I can't top anything that she trhows me way.
But I guess I'm hurting myself by not acepting the calls too. This is all too confusing.
Communication is one huge reason we're in this whole mess. Now she communicates when she wants too. I know I shouldn't be that way, two wrongs don't make a right. I should know better.
I've seen this posted here in the forums in some other threads, and I think it is appropriate for you and your sitch...
Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?
Think about this: not talking to her doesn't show her that you are doing just fine, it shows her that you don't consider her important enough to talk to. That isn't the way to show her that you value her input, and it isn't validating her feelings.
You might want to try taking her calls (maybe not on the first ring), but if she wants to drag you into a fight or into a long, pointless conversation, you can gently interrupt her and say something like "Hey, I hate to have to cut this short, but I've got [something/someone] that I really have to [get done/speak to] so let me call you back when I can." That puts you back in the drivers seat to call her and lets her know that you are doing fine and life is going on normally for you. If you do this, however, make good on your promise: call her back at some point, or she is going to feel that you are being disrespectful or forgetful.
Well I took her call yesterday. She had planned a spring break vacation last month with my cousins ex wife and her kid. Last week she tells me of her plans. I told her that I knew because the kids had told me about the trip. She said that they were leaving on Thursday of this week. I said great, have a great time. I had already planned an outing with some friends. Since this whole mess started, I have been with the kids the majority of the time, and it is very rare that I go out. If there is a chance to be with the kids, I will forgo the chance to go out, so I can be with my kids. Monday of this week, I get a call from her and she tells me that plans have changed and they are not going out of town. She has a wedding to that she must attend (her words) and that I need to come and get the kids.
I told her I apologize but I had already made plans for the weekend. She then got upset and started throwing jabs at me and saying that it is my responsibility to watch them on the weekends since she has them during the week.
{Let me go back}
The current jobs I have require me to work afternoon to nights. I had worked out an agreement with my mgr to work days for 2 weeks out of the month. That would leave me working the afternoon/midnight shift 2 weeks out of the month. March 1st, my mgr tells me I have to work my regular shift no exceptions. Of course, I'm upset but a job is job, I still need to be able to provide for the kids and myself. But she thinks I’m either making this up or trying to pay her back. I don’t know why I would pay her back like this; it’s stupid that I would not see my kids on purpose.
{Going forward}
So I was getting frustrated because she started saying that she was doing all these things for the kids and I was just a weekend dad. Of course that kills me but I’m doing the very best I can with the situation and also trying to look for a better job with better hours. So I tried to talk to her but she kept having this condescending tone and throwing jabs. She said she will not talk to me alone; it will have to be in a public place. I told her ok, please come by next weekend and plan on taking any/all the furniture you need. And if you need to call your attorney to file a motion/p-petition in order for me to get the kids this weekend, then so be it. I told her that I was tired of her attitude, her always questioning me and yet she wants to get off with no questions asked about her where abouts. We somehow got to talking about how all this mess started with a misunderstanding which led to not communicating and then BAM this huge void of no communication and trust. I also explained to her that this is a two way street and we cannot go on like this forever. I think I was able to get to her for a second because she acknowledged that I was right, which was a first. We then talked for a bit about nothing which was good for a change. As we ended the talk, I just asked her to be willing to listen and communicate with me. I told her that I was not a mind reader.
I did give her a heads up that I might be going out of town in April, she replied; make arrangements to have someone watch the kids.
UUGGHH!!!
It sounds like she expects you to bend to whatever her plans are without any regard for what your plans happen to be. I can definitely see where some better communication skills and practices would help in your sitch. Did you ever communicate the fact to your W that you were going to be going out of town for the weekend? If you did, and she just called you up to blow your plans away, then it might have been better to call her on it and just say firmly "I'm sorry, but as you told you earlier, I will be out of town this weekend, and you agreed to take the kids."
The only way I can see that she would do what she did was if she just has no regard for your plans, or if she didn't know you had plans.
It sounds like your conversation went well enough... right until the end, perhaps, but it sounds like she might be willing to work on communicating better. It also sounds like doing that would be a 180 for your sitch, too. Maybe you could suggest a seminar or C to help you communicate better? Even if she was still not interested in salvaging the M, you could use the pretense that working on your communicative skills would be a good thing for your post-D relationship with the kids.
Of course, if you are still interested in saving the M, any improvements that you make together are a "good thing". Hang in there and keep us updated on your sitch.
It's tough hanging in there. I used to think a good day was her calling and just hearing her voice. But now I don't know if it's just so she can keep tabs on me and keep me at arm's length.
That's one thing she and I do agree on, we don't communicate with each other. No, I didn't tell her I had plans, I didn't think I had too since she was going out of town with the kids. And now expects me to watch the kids like I’m her babysitter. I just don’t think she hears herself. I do see now that she is trying to take advantage of me. My goals going into therapy was to...
1. Create/work on our communication
2. Learn to be my wife’s friend and then best friend
3. Learn to be a husband to my wife
Her only reason for going to counseling was to prepare the kids for the divorce. I know that she is aware that LMFT’s don’t do that unless you are already divorced. What’s so frustrating about this is that she deals with kids 0 – 3 that have mental and physical disabilities. She sees the problems/abuse that these kids go through and it seems that she is blind to what she is doing or has done to our children.
You see she told our kids back in August of 2008 that we were getting a divorce. I told her that I did not want a divorce, that we could work it out. As usual, we didn’t agree on anything and she told our kids anyway. I was in shock when she dropped the bomb. I should have stepped up and said something but I didn’t. I couldn’t believe it was happening. My kids were devastated as well. Then a few days later, she’s crying on the couch. I asked her what was wrong; she said that she never had an attorney, can’t afford to move out and has no money what so ever. I was angry and yet happy that she shared her frustration with me. And yet I questioned her as to why she would tell the kids. I told her that we could make this work that we would have to be patient. But then she started to get antsy as the weeks went by and threatened to leave me and take the kids and not tell me where she would be going. That’s when I panicked and moved. I can now see that is when she realized she had the power. I was miserable in my apartment. Things were going ok, she asked if we could have Thanksgiving together as a family. It was fun but I was trying to control my emotions. During this time, we would go out to the movies as a family. If I said no maybe I shouldn’t go, she would get upset and tell me the kids really wanted us there. So I would go. And it was lots of fun, the family going out. I guess too we didn’t know what feelings we were experiencing or how to act and then it went downhill again. She kept asking me to go back home for Christmas with them. I had to work and she went on ahead. I really missed my kids and her during that time. It sucked. Anyway, I did something very stupid and the cops were involved; there was no jail time. Just some BIG TIME embarrassment. I told her what had happened and now she says she can’t trust me. That she was considering getting back with me or at least trying.
Again, the C told us that there again, was no communication to share how each of you were feeling. That’s key to moving on or working on your marriage. I just don’t think she understand that. She’s told me occasion that I’m not the only hurting. She hurts too. But I tell her that I really don’t want to hear what she has to say. Maybe I should listen? I don’t know…
Telling her that you don't want to hear what she has to say is at the root of your communication problems. You need to learn to listen and validate what she is saying. Validation doesn't mean that you have to agree with what she says, but you have to show genuine concern for what she is trying to get across. If you aren't in the habit of really listening, it can be very difficult, but if you want to not only save your M, but really improve it, this is one skill that is critical.
Which DB techniques have you used and have they been effective? Which GAL activities? 180s? It sounds like your W is sufficiently fogged and confused about what she wants and/or how she wants to go about achieving it, which suggests to me that you still have a fighting chance if you can develop a game-plan and stick to it. Key to that plan is LISTENING and VALIDATING.
I'm on Chp. 6 of DR. I really haven't applied any techniques other than to put up a good face, stay strong and positive in her presence.
Before December she told me to be myself. I try but always catch myself trying to say the right things or trying not to say the wrong things. She'll invite me into her aapartment but I just don't feel comfortable going in there. I'm always talking about communicating; at least she will email or text. That's better than nothing, right? I'm not sure what I should expect in return.
Again, this is all so frustrating to me.
I did watch Fireproof last night. It was surprisingly good.
Debating whether to call a DB Coach.
Do eeet!
There is nothing like having one of those guys or gals in your corner.
I did the DB coaching. If you will do what they say and stick to it, it is very beneficial. However, I think its like $390 for 3 sessions. If you can't afford it and I don't know what your financial situation is, there are also great people on here that can give you just as good advice.
For instance 25yearsmic will give you the best advice any DB coach will. She is excellent. I'm sure you have seen her post on mine many times. She is long and thorough. If you do what she says, you will be doing what a DBing coach says to do.
Feel free to post on my post and ask her to read your post and help you out. She will get frusturated though if she does help you and you don't follow her advice. She has blasted me on more than one occasion for not following through with her advice. And I can tell you had I listened to her, I would probably be better off.
Kevin
Thanks Kevin for the emails, that was good/helpful info.
I just got off the phone with her. She called to ask me if I had an Under Armor shirt for my sons tee ball game. She is taking the girls to do a walk for her work and I'll ahve my son. It's this type of behavior that cinfuses me. She'll call or text to see what I'm doing and at times. It makes me feel good. Other times it's frustrating beacuse she starts to tell me how to take care of the kids. I've been taking care of my kids for as long as I can remember, daddy has always been there. I guess by her saying it makes her feel like she is doing something special.
But anyway, we talked and it was pleasant, nothing special. But I do need to put my foot down. She was supposed to have the kids last weekend and then she changed plans.
{Last week} I had plans for the weekend and she basically said I was the babysitter and she was tired because she has them all week. So it's my responsibility to care for the weekends. I told her that I had already made plans and she said that I would need to find someone to care for them. I got so angry and frustrated that I started to cry. I told her that she knows that I would drop everything for those kids; even if it was for five minutes. And it's a shame she can't do the same.
So today was nice but still, it bugs me that she makes plans with the kids on the weekend and after we had this talk last week. I don't think she realizes what she is or has done to us or the kids.
It's sad how many times the kids get put in the middle. How many times has a spouse said what about my feelings? Did anyone ever think to ask the kids?
Tequila Shots anyone????
So it's time I go for a run. I always think about Forrest Gump, "I just started running." LOL - makes me feel good and too tired to worry about anything else. My goal is to run a marathon in November.
I can relate to that! When I go for a run, the distance I run usually reflects my current stress level :-) and I am not much of a runner! A marathon is a great goal.
Thank you for your prayers on my thread. It means a lot. I will also keep you and your family in my prayers. I will be following along with ya...
Oh yeah - I'll have a shot with you!
Hey FitChik, I'm right there with you. I've never prayed so much and lit so many candles in my entire life.
I ran in high school but didn't really get anything out of it. Now I feel good about running and I have something that motivates me.
When they are in the selfish phase they don't care about anything but themselves. As the LBS, you really do have to step up and become the rock that the kids can rely on.
Make mine a double, please!
A single and a double shot coming up...
I just found out that my work needs me to go to Monterrey, Mexico. I had been wanting to go but felt guilty about going. Now I'm excited but not looking forward to the W and having to deal with her reactions.
I know exactly what she is going to say.
Anyone know what to do if the W doesn't want to sign a modified home loan and the house goes back into foreclosure?
I read on someone's post if the spuse ever realizes the pain that they are causing or the pain a D casues to the kids. The answer is no, all the spouse thinks about is themselves.
I remember when my parents told my brothers they were getting the D. We were already out of high school, it still hurt real bad. Even to this day, it hurts.
I'm sure you've all heard the spouse say, but the kids are resilient. Well yea, if they had great parents we raised our kdis to be strong because they ahd aloving mother AND father.
But now they will have one mother or father and see the other on the weekends. The spouse doesn't see the actual hurt they have cause the child and not to mention the destruction of who they are...
I wish they would just wake up!!!
Night, I'm going to get some tattoos.
J - Does your W have another man ?
It sure sounds like it to me. I know you dont want a D but I dont think there is anything wrong with spending an hour with an attorney just to get a lay of the land, some options . know your rights and entitlement.
Dont tell W. Just keep it to yourself. I promise you that in time you will feel stronger and then you can act on your atorneys advice or Db correctly. You never want to play catch up.
I think iam like you. I had an A years ago and it took H years to decide what to do and finally it was to find himself a little 'keeper'. For a long ime i felt responsible for us being in this position BUT you know it is not waht happens to us in this life but how we deal with it.
H dealed with it in a cruel manner. His choice. I no longer feel guilty
I can tell the D is hurting my kids. That much is obvious. You are right, the S wanting the D does not take anyone into consideration except themselves. They don't realize the path of destruction they are creating by doing this. All they see if what they perceive as happiness and it doesn't matter who elses life it affects.
Pollyanna, I am sorry to hear your H dealt with it the way he did. Geez. My W is having a PA and I still want us to fix things and she won't work with me at all. I told her several times I can overlook the A, all I care about is us fixing our M and family.
Doesn't matter to her. You are a good woman to go back to your H even after having the A. He should have realized there were problems that caused the A and tried to work on things to create a better M for yall since you were willing to try. He doesn't know how lucky he actually was to have the fact you were willing after the A.
Kevin
Hey Polly and Kevin,
Yes, I do think she has an OM. I called her once to discuss the house and I could hear a male voice in the background asking her what does he want now. I was shocked and I did ask her about it, she said no I was hearing things.
For the past 2 weeks, I have initiated any communication with her. WHen I did we would just get into a fight. But now I see that she is calling, emailing and texting me more often. I have also noticed that she has tried to do certain things with the kids and even threatened me as far as getting an attorney to order me to see the kids. It's not like I would not see my kids, if I had to pick going out with my friends or the kids. Of course, its the kids hands down. And she knows that. but if the shoe were on the other foot, she would not be there for the kids.
I did have an attorney but that was after she told me she had one. And guess what, she never got one so I looked like the bad guy and looked like I wanted out. I have since let go of that attorney but I will make an appt to talk to another one recommended by a friend.
I have looked at co-parenting, retrouvaille and other forms of counseling. She didn't like the one I picked because she wants an LMFT to prepare our kids for divorce. She said she was a quack when she figured out that the LMFT wanted to see if we could be fixed. My W knows about LMFT's and what their are supposed to do, she deals with them due to her job.
This morning the oldest started crying. She kept harping on me to give her money for a book. I had just pruchased them books and even got her another book earlier in the week. I asked her to ask her mom, she told me that her mom said she was on a budget and couldn't spend any extra money. YET SHE GOES OUT ON THE WEEKENDS AND IS NOWHERE TO BE FOUND. But I'm sure the OM pays for everything. But anyway...I snapped at the oldest and asked her to quit asking me over and over after I said no last night and this AM. She started crying and said that wished the yelling would stop. I pulled over and asked her what was wrong. Apparently, mom has been yelling at them all week and giving them a hard time. I felt really bad, I noticed that the oldest was very talkative on the phone with me for the past couple weeks. She said she was tired of mom and wanted me to go back to my regular day shift. I told I was trying and that if she needed to talk, to let me know. I also asked her to visit with her school counselor if she needed to talk to someone.
I will call the attorney and I will get them counseling ASAP.
By the way...the kids and I are all very close.
D10
D8
S5
Very sad for the kids. no winners in Divorce but biggest losers are the kids.
I wish they would just wake up!!!
Night, I'm going to get some tattoos.
What kind of tattoos are you getting? :-) A healthy form of stress management
Just be patient with the kids. I know its hard right now. But ya, its harder on them than anyone else. They can't believe or comprehend how their world is changing right now. Its not fair to them.
My kids are upset about it to. Counseling helps. But they still don't want this.
Kevin
My C told me that he has worked with 60 and 70 yr old children of D and they still cling to the desire to see their parents together, even when their parents have passed.
Hey guys,
Exactly, its not as easy as people think.
I got my tats. I got my kids names - Julia, Jillian and Joseph. They think its so cool.
The kids make me strong. It's hard when the 5 yr old tells me that he wants us back together. I mean where does he come up with this, it blows my mind.
Because they know what is right. They have a sense of what is right. They just know that mommy and daddy are supposed to be together.
Not only do they know, its what they want. Its the security and foundation of their world. Any disruption of that feels unnatural.
If you ask me, God puts that in us. Otherwise, why would people not just mate and move on? Its a sense of morality we all have inside us. And kids have it to.
Kids are dumb. They know. If a parent who wanted to D really wanted to get insight on what is right, just ask the kids.
Thats cool about the tats. I'll bet the kids loved that. That is a really neat idea.
Kevin
I meant kids aren't dumb.
Kevin
Hey Jag,
Hope you have a great weekeend :-)
Hey Fit,
Thanks you do the same!
Had a great weekend with the kdis. Went to birthday parties and Monsters vs. Aliens. My mother in law is in town to watch the kids this week. She was very pleasant. I really like her, she has been very good to me.
I know she hasn't had it easy in her marriage. She doesn't agree with the D at all.
Today she heard my son tell her about our living arrangements, I'm sure that made her feel uncomfortable.
Glad you had a good weekend, Jag. I took my kids to see M v. A also. Good times. Hope your week is off to a good start.
Hey PD,
So far so good. We keep chugging along...
The W is out of town for a week. The MIL is in town to help with kids. I've been checking in on them since school let out.
Interesting to see if the W will call me this week. She called to tell me she spoke to the school nurse... Okay? But she just wanted to tell me, I said thank you. She's been like that for the past few weeks since I started going dark. She has been initiating all communication. Again, not sure if she has paid attention or trying to keep me at arms length.
I really like my MIL, she is great to me. She's not happy with the sitch and how W has been acting. I'm not going to talk about W to MIL. I'm sure she has enough to deal with as well.
But I can see that I'm going to have to set some boundaries with W now. I can see how she is starting to treat me as she did when we lived together. Telling me to pay this, pay that, make this appt, make that appt...woah woah woah, tap the brakes.
Again, I don't think she realizes this or not. We'll see when she comes back into town.
The wife is out of town this week. The MIL is in town watching the kids. I'm making the most of it. The wife did call about our D10. There was no reason for the call but I was polite.
The kids and I are already planning our weekend. Maybe I'll get the mother in to join us, she can't possibly stay in the apartment all weekend long. She is a very nice woman. I really like her a lot.
I like talking to her.
I admire your ability to stay so even & calm. You sound very matter of fact and accepting. Hope you and kids have a good week
I try to stay busy at work. It's when I'm alone that my mind wonders.
Same here. I try to distract myself at work also but I've found the distractions have an expiration date sometimes and the mind wondering creeps into my work.
Glad to hear you W is initiating communication. Sounds like going dark is having some positive effects. Also good move on not discussing your W with the MIL. It would be easy to get into trouble there...
Hey Jag,
I'm happy for ya buddy. Who would have thought that pulling back and letting them come to us would actually work? I've become a believer.
Hope your week is going well!
Thanks PD and Fit...
The week is going well, the kids want to go shopping this weekend. They say I need a wardrobe change. With all the weight I've lost, I do need some new pants and shirts. I already bought me some cologne.
Yes, I don't want my mom in law to think I'm just going to cry on her shoulder. I just want her to see that I'm there for the kids when they need me. Just keep doing what I'm doing but don't get excited.
My wife accidently called me babe yesterday. I didn't say anything, although it made me feel good. She called and left a voice mail but didn't say anything this AM.
I talked to my mother in law today and we laughed a lot. She called me son. My heart went pitter patter...ha ha ha ha
Great idea about getting a few new clothes. It is always a good confidence booster! Interesting your W is continuing to call this week. Keep up whatever you're doing... :-)
Your MIL sounds like a classy lady. You are lucky to have her. And it sounds like things are going well for you! Keep on keeping on!
I will but I'm not doing anything. I'm just being me, the old good Joey.
She is a great MIL.
I will admit that I was not myself from last May through this January, I just lost complete focus and needed to "find myself".
Funny, I never believed people when thye said that. I always thought they were just so full of themselves. Now I know...
Had lunch with my oldest daughter, surprised her. She was really excited. My brother - Navy guy - is coming up for the weekend.
Should be some fun times...
Glad you have some fun weekend plans. I always like having plans to look forward to. Where in TX do you live? I wish I was enjoying your weather down here. I forget it's spring up here in the NW :-)
Well the is crazy right now. I live in Arlington, TX. In between Dallas and Ft. Worth. We had highs in the 80's last week. Then Monday night a storm blew in and we had golf ball to softball size hail. Then we had lows in the 40's, now we have these crazy high winds.
I like the Spring and fall the best, not looking forward to the summer.
Is it the rainy season up there yet?
Haha... it's rainy season year round up here! This is my first winter up and I haven't minded it too much. But I did miss the heat of the south up here last summer.... We had frozen precip even into early June last year.
My H lived around Ft Hood and we visited Austin a lot. Never went to Dallas though. I hate those big cold fronts that blow in hail & tornadoes! Wow - I have never seen softball sized hail. Yikes!
Yea, it was crazy. It hit about 30 minutes from here.
Austin, that place is crazy. What's the saying they have, Keep Austin Weird.
It's that time of year big storms and tornadoes.
So you're going to deploy out of Ft. Hood, Killeen?
I will deploy from Ft. Lewis, WA. I live in Wa and my H lives in TX. We were long distance. I was supposed to move to TX right now actually and then deploy from Hood so that my H and I would be located together. But when he filed for D, he also put a stop to me moving.... as we have to be married for the Army to move me. Granted...we're still married but do not agree to the move.
Austin is a crazy place. I love the outdoor running path around the river down there. And also lots of places to kayak and get on the water! I would have loved living there for a few years.
My brother rented a condo out on Lake Travis last year. We brought our families out, it was great. We BBQ'ed and went swimming and relaxed. But the best thing of all was watching the deer come up to the condo, like puppies, begging for food. It's beautiful out there.
Ya, that hale was crazy. I was worried about my car since it was outside. But no damage was done to is surprsingly.
I hope you have a good weekend this weekend with your brother. Maybe next week we can meet for lunch or something.
Kevin
Thanks you do the same. Lunch sounds good, I'll email you.
Just tried to call WAMU to see what I can do to save the house since she declined the loan modification. I opened up the documents and saw where she had written "DECLINED" in caps. I'm bummed, need to go for a run.
Sorry to hear that Jag. Keep your chin up.
Afternoon all!
Today was a blah day. The wife was gone all week, I made no attempt to contact her at all. Her mom was in town to watch the kids. She seemed a bit offish at first but then warmed up as the week went on. She made me home made tortillas, she called me mijo (term of endearment) and son. That made me feel good. I took her to church on Sunday and it was nice. Then the wife showed up at church, as we were receiving communion. Then she took my D10 to the bathroom and started telling me that I needed to buy lice shampoo and why did the kids look like they were homeless. All in a matter of 15 minutes. Hello, Welcome Back! The kids really missed you!
I told her not to start and then decided to take the kids and go out to Target. We left and she was texting me, telling me what to do. Of course this is from a woman who claims she has no love for me but always to wants to start a fight with me. I bought the kids some stuff for Easter weekend and headed to the house. I was really frustrated and took it out on my D10. I know I shouldn't have but I am getting really tired of this whole thing and the way it's playing out.
Later that night we went back to Target and got some things and bought ice cream and Grease. The kids think that movie is the bomb.
Woke up this AM took the kids to school and they started fighting over a pair of jeans. I had to get after them again. On Saturday, they (the 2 girls) were going out in the school parking lots. WTF! Apparently, the W told them that she used to fight with her sister all the time. I told them that this not acceptable, especially to fight with your sister. I mentionend to them that I was really fed up with their behavior and how draining it has become. It seems my words have no affect on them. I told them that maybe they were better off with their mom. They both started crying and said that they wanted to be with me. I told them that you guys need to be abel to talk to your mom too. They both said they can't, they are too scared. I told them that she is your mother, you can't be scared.
Just before the kids went to bed, the D10 tells me that W showed MIL some pics that she took of my laptop. Apparently, when she was over to wash clothes, D10 had my laptop, went to the bathroom and when she came back W was taking pics of stuff that was on there. Afterwards, I found some pics of various women on my laptop and a letter. I don't remember the letter or the pics. I did have some of W that we both took last year, happier times (sighing), I deleted that I could find. I had emailed my W and told her that I was aware of what she did on my laptop and that I did not appreciate it.
Then the power was turned off! What next, turns out, I forgot to switch the mailing address when I had my apartment. The disconnects were going back to the apt and not my house.
I did call a therapist today to get the kids counseling. She said she can do it but since the W and I do not live in the same house, I have to get written permission from her attorney or her. Again, I told the C that she wants to have the kids "prepared for divorce", they said that they will meet with me, then my W and progress with the kids.
The W just called, after being a B!TCH to me, she has the nerve to ask if she can come by and wash clothes at the house. I told her no. She said what, I said no, you can't go over. She said ok, beofre she could finish I hung up. It felt good to say no to her.
Just Friday, she was telling me to make all these doctor appts. fort the kids. I mean we don't talk but she is treating me like her errand boy. I'm tired of being tired.
What a day!
I also changed the locks and unplugged the garage door opener.
Since she supposedly "lost" our extra set of car keys to our Jeep, house keys and the garage door opener. hhhhmmmm
I'm tired of being tired.
Seems like one frustrating events starts a domino of events some times.... I know it's wearing - both mentally & emotionally. It feels like a marathon at times to get through the day.
I'm glad you were able to set some boundaries with your W and tell her no. Definitely a good practice to get into.
I hope tomorrow is a better day for you!
Hey Jag,
Little by little we all get to the point where you are. It's a natural progression of being in the sitch: it just wears us down. Awesome job on standing up for yourself and showing to her that you have a pair. Hope that your week is off to a good start!
Our agreement is that she would drop off th ekids in the AM and I would take them to school. Since I told her no, I knew she would be pissed. I sent her an email about her overcharging me for ourt car insurance, by $10. And the other was to let her know that I found a therapist that would see the kids, BUT AGAIN, wants to see us first.
I did call her to let her know that therapist had misinformed me of an issue but that if she was ok, I would go see the therapist and if she wanted to go she could. I did inform the therapist and my W that attending the sessions was up to her. I did not want to force my W to do anything.
Well she said she would only go if she could get 2 things cleared. First she went off on my because my sister in law sent her an email that she did not appreciate.
We had gone over to my brothers house for a BBQ. The last time we were over, the kids got lice. I figured they got it from outside, no biggie. We treated the kdis for the kice but my W would just not let it go, she was pissed ebcause we had to do the treatments for 3 to 5 days and so on. So now everytime we go to my bro's for a BBQ she checks the kids hair. It's like she is trying to start something.
Okay, so we're sitting in church and my W surprised us by attending Sunday services. I had the kdis and my MIL with me. The first thing she does rom not seeing the kdis for a week is make a comment to them that they look like homeless kids. Then she sees D10 scratching her hair. She takes her to the bathroom and then tells me she has lice and that I need to get her the treatments now. I tolod her not now, don't start. I said good bye to my MIL and took the kids to the store to buy stuff for our trip.
SO today, she gets upset that my sister in law sent that email. I told my W that if she had a problem with her that she needed to take it up with her. But I did find it odd that every time the kids and I go over there, she has to go on a lice hunt. Then she statred to tell me that I'm not being suportive of her. That we need to be on the same page. I told her that I have been trying to tell her that for months.
Then she went back on the topic of why I moved abck into the house. She said that I couldn't afford the apartment and rehashong old stuff. I stopped her and told her that this was old stuff. What was her point? I thought we were supposed to be focused on the kids. She rambled on some more and then realized she was getting no where. So then she went - where I thought she would go - she said she spent over $500 on groceries. I told her ok. She said that she needed financial support. I then responded with, how/why? You told me that you had this cool 70K a year job, you just got an apt., you bought a new Jeep, you get your nails done every weeki, you bought new clothes, sunglasses, go on weekend trips. She said well I ahve the kdis the majority of the time.
She thinks that I purposely picked to work 3 to midnight. Why would I do that, why would I stay away from my kdis? I asked her and she had no repsonse. So, I asked her to let me know how cna I help, how can I be on the same page because I've asked this question before and got no response. No when money is involved, you seem to need me.
I also brought up the fact that she is changing the rules as we go along to her benefit. I told her that I want to do what is best for the kids but this isn't a two way street.
Then she tells me that she will have to go and retain a lawyer now. Again, she threatened me with a lawyer weeks ago when she changed her plans to go to a weding with her friends. Her initial plans were to take the kids to San Antonio, then she forgot about her wedding and that took precedence. She said plans change...
Wow, what the hell is going on here? Is it me? Am I losing it?
She tried to end the call as if I was the road block, I told her that I needed to go and hung up. I did email her back the following...
*******
You and I can't talk because the past keeps being brought up.
You want me to support you, be on the same page but I don't know what that page is.
I just called for counseling for the kids and we ended up on you needing child support.
If you want to talk, I need to know what's going on.
You know that those kids are everything to me. I would do anything for them. Yet you seem to want to badger me into an argument or needle me about why I moved back into the house.
You just said the kids were the main focus. We need to start there.
But you need to stop with the attacks, changing your plans in midstream and winging it. Of course, this is just my perception, again I'm not trying to start anything with you.
So I'll ask you again, how do you need me to help and how can we be on the same page.
You said in one of your last emails that you were trying so hard to work with me. I'm doing my best with you but it seems to go nowhere.
Stop with the past and track records, you and I need to let that one go.
How can we be on the same page? Send me a list...
*********
Did I backslide?
I almost forgot...
I work 3 to midnight, most nights (mornings) I get home at 2AM. She drops off the kids at the house which is by the schools. Now she says if I want to see the kids that I have to go get them from her apt and take them to school.
Of course, I'm gonna go and get the kids. They tell me every night, see you in the morning dad. They did last night, and then she pulls this stunt.
crap crap crap crap
Sorry but I'm still pissed...
How can I be the one to pay child support when she left and she makes way more than me!
I know that she has the kids more now, due to my job. But this isn't what I wanted.
WTH!
I don't have any stellar advice for you Jag... hopefully other can give you some. I don't think you backslide. You let her know your frustration, sought understand from her side, and asked for a compromise.
Any ideas where you Ws anger is coming from? Seems like it's being directed at little issues where there is a bigger issue at stake...
Sounds like you're handling everything as good as possible. I'm praying for you and your family
You know I was thinking the same thing too. Her anger and frustrations...I know when we had "the talk", I got the I'm not where I'm supposed to be speech. But it was like someone else told her what to say. It's like she was blaming me and the kids for her not being where she thought she should be.
Things happen when you have kids, a house and bills to pay. It seems that a lot changed or she changed when she went back home for her 20 yr reunion in 07. I thought I did good by surprising her, she seemed genuinely excited to see me. We had a great time.
I don't know. I get the feeling she wants to talk but is scared to open up. I don't blame her, we were mean to each other. But there comes a time when you have to put up or shut up.
There is a lot at stake here and the kids are in the middle. She can't always think about herself, right?
But I was burned the last time she said she needed help with money and then she went out with her friends that one weekend.
I mean come on, priorities?
I am no expert but it does seem like your W is struggling with something internally and it's coming out as anger. Does she have anyone else close she vents to? My H doesn't talk about our sitch at all and so when we talk I get all of his frustration & anger.
Maybe she does want to open up? Sometime us women are difficult and think you men recognize what we want and when we need to talk.... but you don't recognize and then we get mad! Haha! Or at least that's what I've been told :-). I like how you asked her how you could help and how you two could get on the same page.
Hope you have a good day.
Hey Fit,
Today was ok. I made an appt to see an L for 04/20. I went to see the counselor.
I really hope she goes this time, she said she would...we'll see. This seemed so much easier reading her when we were together. Now I don't know...
Hey Jag,
Just checking in on you. It looks like things are taking a turn for the worse in your sitch. I'm really pulling for you and your kids. You are a great father, and that is something the W can't take away from you.
God bless, my brother.
Hey Jag,
How's it going? Hope you're having a great week.
Hey guys,
I think someone came by to serve me with papers. Feeling really bummed after a great week/weekend with the kids.
We got back last night, she hasn't seen them in a week or so and I also find out that she called a babysitter to watch the kids this Friday.
Don't know what to do now...
Should I call her and ask if she is having me served?
"Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow"
Did they leave a notice on your door?
Jag, it's just another step in the journey. I'm sorry that you aren't having a good day, but this sitch isn't over yet, is it? You still have a lot of DBing to do; lot's of folks here say that their best DBing happens after they are served.
What DB activities are you doing right now? Focus on those things: your kids and your life. Be strong for them and for yourself.
God bless.
I wanted to know if my D had gone through but did not want to ask W incase it hadn't, so I called the Dallas Court house and asked them what the status is. They said my case was still opened which meant W had not filed the final D decree.
Instead of calling W, call the court house which I guess would be in Arlington for you? I'm not sure which. But they will have a status and be able to tell you if you are being served. This way you don't have to discuss with W.
Just a suggestion if you really want to know without encouraging W if she has not done it.
Kevin
For some reason I was mispelling your memberID today. Ok, I found you.
You gotta post more often on here. It will be helpful especially for everyone following your story wanting to help out.
Now is where the real DBing begins. After being served. You can do it. You are a great father and that has to be noticed by her.
You are a great guy and she should feel lucky to have you.
Kevin
You might be able to check on-line. In Wisconsin it's called CCAPS - just google what the court site is in your state.
I'm sorry, but you will be okay.
Thanks for all the info. I was in training all last week and then to get served at work, was a real bummer. it was a rough weekend too. The girls are really struggling, especially the middle one. Then my wife just showed up at church on Sunday. Towards the end, we were both in tears. I'm trying not to over think anything, just trying to figure out the next step. I'm n ot giving up, just a little hard to tell your kids to keep praying and be strong, when you can't keep yourself from crying either.
hey Jag.
As kevin says, your DBing is only beginning. Be strong for your kids right now because they need you. It's OK to cry and be sensitive, but not in front of them.
I think you may have a little more hope than you realize. If she was crying also, she is thinking about it. They guilt at least is getting to her.
Keep playing it smooth and being Mr. Great Guy.
Another tough week ahead of you I'm sure. But if I saw my W crying when we saw each other, I would know she at least possibly is starting to care. I would be ecstatic about that.
Kevin
Yea, you guys are right. Practice what I preach. One day at a time.
Thanks PD and Kev...
Thanks for all the info. I was in training all last week and then to get served at work, was a real bummer. it was a rough weekend too. The girls are really struggling, especially the middle one. Then my wife just showed up at church on Sunday. Towards the end, we were both in tears. I'm trying not to over think anything, just trying to figure out the next step. I'm n ot giving up, just a little hard to tell your kids to keep praying and be strong, when you can't keep yourself from crying either.
Jag, I am sorry it's so difficult right now. Absolutely nothing wrong with crying or letting your children see your emotions. Keep seeking God and he'll renew you over and over again. Like you said, one day at a time.
I'm just tired of being tired. I'm tired of crying, I've never cried so much in my entire life.
But yes, one day at a time. My baby girl was crying Saturday and then she tells me, I know dad one day at a time.
Jaguilar,
Crying is a way to cope. You'll see that you'll be okay, no matter what happens. If I survived, so can you. Please implement the Last Resort, and take care of you.
All the Best,
{{{{Jaguilar}}}}
/Tia
Just seeing the kids go through this also is so difficult. My youngest is having a tough time as well, she says she had a dream that we got back together. She gave me a date of when my W was coming back home.
Thats hard. I'll sure pray for yall and your little one that the date happens. You never know. I don't know how far the date is, but miracles do happen and God just happens to be in that business.
Kevin
Just curious,
Do you cry in front of your kids?
Kevin
I did Saturday when my D-8 was crying and asking why, it tears me apart. There is nothing worse then letting your children down.
I understand. I haven't done it in front of my kids because I did not want them to see me crying. When I was about to, I always turn and walk away quickly. Somehow I think my W would blast me if I ever let them see me crying.
But you are right. There is nothing worse then feeling like you let your kids down. I totally agree there.
Kevin
We talked for 2 hours tonight. The was a first in a long time. It started out with talking about the kids and the divorce. She kept saying it's going to happen and I was DBing! I was doing it. I was listening and validating, always saying right I understand, I hear you. And she was the one going of course many times. She is still angry and listening to her friends that I was a man whore. I aparently I got around, I hope I enjoyed it. WTF? I asked her to ask me and she did, I answered her and she said I was lying.
I would make sure to get her back on track and then she would go off on a tangent. In the end, I told her that we needed to work things out, not R wise but just us. Because whether we like it or not, the kids do come first and we need to have their best interest.
It was a really good talk. We talked about missed opportunities and how things were perceived and lack of communication.
hhhhmmmm
Baby steps jag. Just remember that you can't believe anything they say at this point. The hurtful things are meant to be hurtful and don't describe what is going on in her head. Just stay above it and let it flow like water of a ducks back.
I think this is the attorney talking to her but now she wants to spend more time on the weekends with us. I had always left that open in the past but now I don't think it's a good idea since she has told the kids we're getting a divorce. She said she needs downtime with them because during the week she is focused on homework and getting them ready for bed, picking them up early from school. I know it's hard by yourself but this is not what I wanted. So now she wants to be included with the kids on the weekends. On Monday, she told our daughters that she still loves me BUT we're getting a divorce. D8 took it as mommy and daddy are going to be ok. Then when I told W about it, D8 called me and said mommy said you lied to me about getting back together. Again, she will not stop talking to the kids about the divorce. In my opinion, she is making matters worse for the kids, confusing them.
This is going to get tough...
Hang in there. You did great in not arguing with W. That was fantastic. As far as the kids are concerned, I'm not sure what either of you are saying around them if anything at all. But D8 seems to have had the impression of something happening. Who knows. Sometimes kids just want to believe it so bad and other times slip ups occur that we don't even realize they may be taking as something we didn't intend.
Keep DBing anyways.
Kevin
Yea, I am. Just hate to see the kids stuck in the middle because she thinks she knows what is best.
Glad y'all had a decent conversation. Good job validating her despite how hard it can be. I am sorry it's so tough right now. Prayers for you and your children are coming your way....
Went to D10's field trip to the zoo. It was lots of fun, we had a great time. It's getting warmer out there, summer is right around the corner.
Sounds like fun. We're still below freezing up here in WA every night. Enjoy the heat! Do you still run in the summers down there?
I don't mind the heat it's the humidity I could do without. I ran last night, it felt good to work up a sweat. I need to drink more water as the hotter months starting beating us down. I used to ride the trails in the summer with friends. It was great, 110 and in the shade, warm but still hot.
Same here. The humidity in the Carolinas is awful too! Some days you walk outside your door at 6:00 am and the dampness in the air takes your breath away. I have gotten spoiled up here in the NW w/o the hot, humid summers.
Any weekend plans?
Going to S5's tee ball game and then a high school friend invited me out to her sons bday party. Other than that, cutting grass and maybe BBQing.
jag,
If you have a minute, check in on Kevin.
Have a great weekend!
Stacy
Just got off the phone with him. he sounds good, spoke for 45 minutes. He's going to be ok.
Thanks for asking me to do that...
Thanks for calling man. I appreciate it.
Kevin
NP, Dadvidswife asked me too. I didn't even think about it untile she asked me too. It was good talking to you.
Same. I wonder who David is? I know Stacy is his wife.
Alright, I'm just being goofy now.
Kevin
Hey Jag, how are things? It's been a while since I checked in on your sitch. Hope your week is going well.
The week is going pretty good. I had a field trip with D10 yesterday. We had a blast. Next week I ahve a feidl trip with D8 and then the following week, a minor league basbell field trip with D10.
I got served on 04/14. I have a court date on 04/27. I have no $ for an attorney. My C hooked me up with her friend for now. But I have to go to court, by myself, and tell the judge I would like a continuance. So I get to play lawyer, this should be fun.
Also a little upset with the W. She has been talking up the D with the kids. Getting really upset to the point where they are starting to doubt praying. I told them to always believe but don't get upset if your prayers are not answered. This can only make us stronger. Then W goes and tells them that she still loves daddy but we're going to be a different family and that we're still going to get a divorce. Now she wants to spend time with us on the weekends. I told her that she can't, we need these boundaries and rules. I could understand if she wanted to hang out with us and we were actually trying to make the M work. but she doesn't want to go to counseling because she says she can't. I still don't know what "can't" means. To me that is not an answer. We had a 2 hour talk earliuer this week and it was great. I listened and valdiated. She also told me that somebody is telling her that I cheated on her from day 1 of us being married. I told her that is not true and I didn't know why she was listening to other people. She said I was trying to put words in her mouth, then I said ok ask me whatever you want. She asked the same questions three different ways and then she said, "you're right I don't beleieve you."
Man, I don't know what the hell is going on with her. I can see now that she is hurting and doesn't know what to think. But stop telling the kids about the D. She is also telling me that she is the bad guy in all this, I told her that she shouldn't feel that way but then again, this was her choice to leave and file for D.
I do have some otions for her to give her time but I don't want to say anything until after I see a L.
And my Spurs choked last night!!!!
In your very first post, you said you were seeing a lady but that you ended it. Did she ask about that during the 2 hour talk?
You said she probably had an affair or 2 and you have some proof. Did she bring any of that up from her own self?
I would just say like you are, let the past wash itself away. I told my W between her affairs and my past mistakes, I consider the 2 a wash and lets start new. Of course that didn't work, but the point is, I agree with what you are saying. Forget the past.
Start moving forward. I don't know why spouses can't say ok, the past is the past. How do we fix today and going forward?
You are saying that you can see she is hurting. You also are not letting her come over to spend time with yall on your time probably because she is going through with this D and she needs a taste of her medicine is my guess on that one?
Thats a fine line decision. I wouldn't quite be sure where to draw that line, but I guess you have to draw it somewhere. Is it reverse psychology you are using or you just decided that if she wants to be this way you can be to?
I'm not sure that I would block her though from being part of yall. If she wants to be part of yall, its extra time for you to put your best foot forward in front of her.
On the other hand, Stuck808 would probably tell you to block her and stand up for your rights for your time with the kids and that she would respect you more.
And maybe she is because you got that 2 hour phone call in from her. hmm...
I'm just trying to figure out if it is pissing her off and making her push forward with the D or if it is making her step back and think twice about the D and if she really wants this.
What options do you have for her after you see a L?
Kevin
I've talked to some folks already that have spoken to my W. They say she is hurting and at times doesn't know what she wants. They also feel that she is just acting on pure emotion and not thinking things through. She is also like her father, so full of pride. That can be a good thing or a bad thing. Right now, it ain't good.
Jag, our Ws are at the same place. Only difference is yours has filed, and mine hasn't. Fact is, I'm the one that wants to file if she doesn't pull her head out of her nethers.
If is definitely pain they are feeling, though, and making bad, bad decisions as a result. So stubborn and prideful. If it didn't hurt so bad it would almost be comical: to see them standing knee-deep in the crap that is their sitch, shaking their fists at us and being defiant.
Tonight I called them, I'm getting out of work early. Wanted to see if the kids want to spend the night. My wife's BF is gonna be there. I can't stand her. But I'm gonna put on my happy face and pick up my baby girl.
Hey Jag,
Kevin's right to a point as to what I would say. RIGHT NOW spend the time you have with your girls alone. It's your time and right now everything is very fresh in terms of the pain and anger between you and your W.
Unfortunately you can't prevent her from saying what she wants to to your Ds. What you can do is to be there to support and comfort your Ds since your W is giving off such mixed signals. You have to serve as the consistent rock of the family right now because your W is all over the place.
If there is something that you feel your W is saying that is disrespectful to you or your Ds, then talk it over with her. You're going to have to be as calm as you can and talk it over like adults.
After both of you have cooled off a bit, then I would ask her every now and then to something the whole family can do. But definitely not all the time.
Take it one day at a time. If you want to save your M, then fine. That's your goal. Don't deviate from that path. Get strong and confident so you don't cry anymore. We've all been there and I'll be the first one to tell you that overcoming the fear of D is the hardest thing I had ever had to do.
And it doesn't get any easier to be brutally honest. There are only two things that will help you. Prayer and patience. LOTS AND LOTS OF BOTH.
Thanks Stuck, I appreciate the words of encouragement. When you think you've been out to the woodshed once, they drag you out there again.
Like I said earlier, I don't know if her friends, lawyer or if she is the one that wants to hang out with us. I don't want to tell the kids because that will confuse them even more. I can't waste my time trying to figure her out. That will drive me nuts. Right?
I'm going to suck it up and be the damn best piece of granite I can be.
I'll keep DBing and posting.
Thats the right attitude Jaguilar. Don't over analyze it. It will only drive you nuts. You can see what it did to me.
Be the granite. I like that actually. Thats pretty good.
Definitely keep DBing and posting.
When you get down, think about the joy of your kids and being with them and how much they love and adore you. I am putting my joy in my kids now.
By the way, I wish I had the day tomorrow. Dollar hotdogs at the horse track tomorrow. Dollar beers also, but I don't drink anymore. But what a deal for those that enjoy it. I have a guy I work with that is going tomorrow for that. I don't know if you are ever into that sort of thing or not. I used to like the dog track in Florida. Horses are harder because you have to take into account the jockey.
Anyways, I hope you are enjoying your evening.
Kevin
Read the posts and wanted to put my opinion in, for what it is worth.
Did I read that right that W has a BF? If that is the case you need to go forward as if the divorce is going to happen. Meaning that she can't spend time with you and the daughters. You need to give her a taste of what is is going to be like once the divorce happens. I think it is time that you display some tough love, and start using some of the divorce busting ideas put forward in the book. Going dark is a good idea. Meaning only talk to her when the kids are involved and only discuss the kids, nothing else. It looks like the future is coming for you and it doesn't involve the W. Besides, how do you get beyond the fact that she has a BF?
T,
"Besides, how do you get beyond the fact that she has a BF?"
Alot of us are going through the same sitch. Just check out the MLC posts and you'll see a ton of them.
Some decide to stay and outshine the OM and some can't stomach the idea and leave. If he wants to stay in it, well more power to him.
That's the ultimate decision Jag.
When Jaguilar said BF he meant best friend, not boy friend.
Kevin
Fact is, I'm the one that wants to file if she doesn't pull her head out of her nethers.
Hey Portland,
That's awesome. Can I put that on my fridge as a quote?
Jag, I don't know if you have seen my thread but I am with you. This is so hard to live and then to see it play out in someone elses life makes it too real.
I really wish that we all lived in the same town and I could have you guys (and my gal friends in here) all over for a back yard cook out and beers.
Hope things turn an get start getting better for you soon!
Hey All,
Thanks for all of the support on the posts. Yes, when I said BF, I went her best friend it’s her girlfriend. It was a rough weekend and day. We had that 2 hour talk last week. And Monday we had a hearing for a temporary restraining order. I don’t have a lawyer. I have an appt to see one on Friday. The one I had contacted wanted $2500 up front. I don’t have that kind of money. So I went to court on Monday. She showed up and asked to sit next to me. We chit chatted about the kids and all. Then I walked into the courtroom. The judge was late; we had a real heavy downpour yesterday. Anyway, her attorney asked to speak with me. We went in a conference room and started negotiating some things out. I thought it was going to be about the kids. She started into the house and other items in the house. Then we started talking about the kids and visitation. I broke down, not in front of my W but her L. Anyway, we worked out a temporary agreement but I felt like I was losing my kids. I now get to spend less time with them and have to pay child support. I told my W’s L that we had agreed to split all things for the kids in half. She said she couldn’t advise her to do that, then I said but we’ve been doing it. I told her that I’m not a weekend dad. I’ve always been there for diaper changes, doctor visits, soccer games, scrapped up knees, 1st day of school, field trips and now here I am. Being told when to visit my kids and to pay child support; I broke down again.
I went home, picked up the kids and we just hung out during the afternoon. My W came by and picked up the girls. My son wanted to stay with me. She kept calling him and he wouldn’t go, said I want to stay with daddy. I looked over at her and said it would be ok; I will drop him off later. She was in tears and said, I’m sorry I didn’t mean o hurt you. We both ended up crying and she kept asking me what was on my mind. I told her nothing and she kept asking me what. I said it doesn’t matter. She said it does. She said we could be friends. She said this had to happen. I told her that it did not and didn’t elaborate. She then asked me again what and to say what was on my mind. I broke down and told her that I did love her very much; I had a renewed faith in God, my children and in her. That I didn’t know who I was 3 months ago, I was lost. I was scared and I did things that I wasn’t proud of. I told her that I did change and it’s a shame that the ones we hurt the most are the kids. The kids do not want this and yet we can’t agree to give it a shot for them. I told her that it takes two to mess it up and two to fix it. I know we need time but divorce is not the answer. She then said she loved me still very much and I told her that she did not. She repeated that she did love, she was in tears.
She said she was going to Austin and needed to pick up her rental tomorrow. I told her that, if she was ok, I would pick them up in the AM. We could drop off the kids at daycare and I could take her to get her rental. She said ok. She gave my son a hug and left.
My son and I picked them up at her apt. We dropped off the kids. I drove her to the Enterprise and then she asked if she wanted to have some coffee. We stopped at a coffee shop and talked about work and the kids. We went back to the rental car place, waited for her to get her car, loaded it for her and wished her a safe trip.
I’m not confused about her still loving me. I had a feeling that she still does, just not sure how she still loves, yet wants to divorce me and yet still want to do things as a family. I had been DBing and trying to do things with the kids, keeping them busy. Now she wants to have that kind of fun too. She has them more often, she complained that it is stressful in the AM and they don’t get to see fun mom. I told her that I was there too, when she was out late, business trips or working late. It’s your job as a parent; you make it fun, no matter what it is. We do it for the kids. We do whatever it takes, if you can’t do that, I can’t help you.
I don’t know, I have more questions now than I ever did. She is questioning my past, but her past never comes to play.
I don’t know if this means anything, trying not to read into anything here. But last week during our call she said that “she isn’t there yet” then she corrected herself and said “I’m not there anymore”. Then she called me babe three times in one week. She hasn’t called me that since June of 2008. Again, not trying to read into anything or jump to conclusions. I know now that she is going through more than what I thought she was or is letting in. But I find it strange that she actually wants me to talk me and say what I feel.
Again, not confused, just unsure of what is going. But like my mom said, leave it in God’s hands.
Kevin – Thanks for calling and emailing. I apologize for not replying or picking up. Just didn’t feel like talking to anyone. But thanks for being there.
Kenn - I was thinking the exact same thing.
Maybe I don't understand. Who was the temporary restraining order for?
It was against me for her.
If she has a TRO against you, how is it that you can still interact with her legally and be in close proximity of her with the kids?
I have been staying away from her. I don't and haven't initiated contact with her since January. I only contact her if it is about the kids. She has been the one to reach out to me via email, text or calling. She has been coming over to the house to drop off the kids. I only went to her apt to pick up one of my girls but that was only after I asked her if it was ok. I've pretty nuch left her alone.
If you don't me asking...why did she put the TRO out on you in the first place?
If it's too personal, we'd understand. Although I think it's going to be pretty hard trying to attract your W back if she put a TRO against you.
My understanding is that it is actually common to put a temporary restraining order on both parties when a divorce is filed.
Its part of the cool down period. You have to wait 60 days in Texas before you can file the final divorce decree once you initially file for divorce.
Hang in there Jag. Something is going on in her mind and she is obviously having emotions about the situation.
Kevin
I was told the samething about a TRO. I know the L has her right now. I'm just trying to stay cool in front of her. I know she wants to talk BUT I don't want to initiate it.
Yesterday as we were praying on our way to drop off the kids at school, the kids mentioned (as they always do) to pray for our family and friends. But they mentioned a man by name. I blew it off. Then last night I asked my oldest, who was this man and why did we pray for him. She told me that it was W's best friend (that hurt) and that he had cancer. Damn! Everything sort of fell into place...I know I'm not supposed to do thi but, I started thinking that this man was the guy that my W went into at a time in crisis and now they have made a connection. There is more I want to type but I'm afraid too. Usually, my intincts are pretty good, she caught me off guard with the I still love you comment. My mind is racing again, this is where I was months ago and I didn't like it. I'm afraid I'm gonna fall back there again.
If the goes through, I don't want to be her friend. I can't. I went from a bestfriend, soulmate, lover, H and then this. It' like I fell to the bottom of the bottom.
All she can ever answer is with "I can't", what does that mean.
Do I ask to talk to her? Wait till she brings it up?
Jag, I'm tapping this keg just for you.
I "hear" you -- in the best DB sense of "hear" -- on the idea of friendship. I HATE it, when I look at it objectively. WAW's got friends -- what the hell does she need me for if not as a husband?
Then I sat down with my IC and vented. The guy's on my side, so to speak, but he did ask me a king-hell question -- his version of a 2x4:
"Would it better or worse for [S] and [D] if you got along with WAW and they could see you two doing so?"
Ahhhhh, crap! Better. (I answered in that 5th-grade, eyes-down, mumble way.)
IC pointed out that the kids need to understand -- and they can only understand it by seeing it -- that they don't have to feel guilty for loving WAW, even though they spend most of their time with me. They have to see that adults sometimes make choices about each other, but those choices are not ones the kids have to make -- WAW chose not to love me anymore (which we have to accept, btw, if we buy into "love is a choice") but she chooses to still love them. And they can do the same.
So, IC told me, out of respect for my kids' love for their mother, I ought to do my best to get along with her -- whatever it costs me.
And that made me think of our hero, Coach, who would pound himself in the chest when things got tough and say, "I can take it."
I'll hate it. I won't want to do it. I'll want to lash out.
But for their sake, I can take it. (I hope.)
Just some thoughts, bro.
I was doing good. I was in a good place. I was dealing with the whole situation and now I ahve to pay child support and I get to see my kids less. I have been trying to find another job, during the day. So I can spend more time with the kids. I've been there since day 1. I'm not a dad that is ready for free time, these are my kids. This is why I got married, to have kids, take care of them and watch them grow up. The kids and I didn't ask for any of this mess. I know the W and I brought it on, I can see the writing on the wall. I'm trying to DB put be ready for the end. But then she tells me she loves me, she wants to be friends, she starts crying, we can be civil. She still loves me, she had to do this, she's crying, she still loves.
WHAT DOES ALL THIS MEAN!?
She did agree to let the kids see the LMFT (C) I had picked for them. And her attorney did say that my W would need to speak with the C as well. Even though, its not for marital help.
I hate this crap. What do I do now?
And yes, I'm ready for that keg too.
Loves you, wants to be civil, cries, wants to be friends.
You must be married to my wife!
I think it was Sara or Polly who posted on my board that this behavior is typical of the WAW who still needs the crutch of a positive relationship with the LBS -- it's "too scary" out there for complete and total separation, so they seek out this intermediate status.
What do you do? Damned if I know, keemosabee.
Accept it. Don't accept it. Counter-offer with your own boundaries.
All I can do in my own sitch is ask myself in a kind of modification of DB'ing, "does this get me closer to or farther from my goal of helping my kids cope?"
And when I'm trying to be REALLY healthy I ask myself what harm it would do to be friendly -- if not friends -- with my ex. She's divorcing me either way. But apart from the literal hurt -- which, as in all hurts, will pass -- what's the downside to a cordial relationship after divorce?
And then I refuse to answer because I'm a weasel. But I think I really "know" what the answer is....
What you're going through is the typical roller coaster of emotions of the WAS.
Take a deep breath and stop thinking about what "she" thinks or is doing. Remember, the only thing you can control is YOU. After you've calmed down a bit, write down the list of goals that you want to achieve. Small ones, but goals nonetheless. These goals should not have a time table attached to them. Just write them down and make them happen. They'll help to keep you focused during these rough times.
We are so used to letting our WASs having power over us that we forget that the real power is within us.
And most importantly...PRAYER and PATIENCE!
LOTS AND LOTS OF IT.
I think you're doing a great job w/your sitch. Just keep as positive as you can, both for your sake and your children's.
Thanks SM, Kev, Stuck and Stacy - I don't want to be an emotional wreck but damn it if I thought I was done with the crying.
It seems as if she has called more now in the past week than ever. I've been pretty good about talking to her and being firm and listening to her talk about wanting to get D8's braces, getting stuff for D10's bday in two weeks.
Its gonna suck when I can't see the kids as often. It just doesn't seem right. I've always been there, my family and her family knows it.
Today my mgr asked me how I was doing. I told him hanging on by a thread. He said that it's what we do with that thread that makes us stronger.
Okay, I'n gonna say it. Everytime I see davidswife post (Stacy), I get that song in my head. Stacy's mom has got it going on...LOL, that was a good chuckle.
I still can't believe she is coming after you for child support when she makes so much more. Have you contacted legal aid yet? You have to fight that one and try and get 50/50 custody.
So are you going out with friends this weekend then? What are you planning on doing for your weekend out besides buying clothes? Are ya gonna go eat somewhere, go to a movie, a club, etc?
Kevin
Jag,
Ah yes, "Stacy's Mom" the one hit wonder from Fountains of Wayne. To my mom's undying embarrassment, it is the ring tone on my phone.
And my mom's name is Josephine and she DOES have it going on
I'm glad to hear you've got plans for the weekend -- GAL, GAL, GAL!!
Stacy
Kev, I'm going to Buffalo Wild Wings for a high schools friends b-day. On most weekends, the kids nd I just hang out here, a park or at the movies. My son doesn't have a tee ball game this weekend. Even though it would probably get rained out.
LOL - she does?! That's funny. Josephine, my name is actually Joseph but I go by Joey.
Now I'v got that song in my head.
I bought the Walk Out Woman and Healing the Hurt in your marriage. Not sure if I should give them to W or not.
Hey Jag,
I sent the Walk out Woman to my W and she actually read it and talked to me about it. If your W is receptive and has religious sensitivities, I think she might really benefit from WOW.
In fact, I had to buy my own copy after I sent it because she wanted to discuss some of the points in the book me and I hadn't even seen it at that point.
I was hoping that it had more help and advice for women who were in the throes of an affair other than "cut it out immediately", but it did get my W to thinking. I think Not Just Friends has a lot more help and advice, but it doesn't have the religious slant that WOW does.
Thanks PD, forget Oprah. PortlandDad should have his own book of the month club!
Yes, she has been going to church now, something she hasn't done all year. Trying not to be skeptical, giving her the benefit of the doubt.
I will add that I did not go to church last year with them because I thought I was supposed to stay away and not show the kids that we were a family. That is why I should have found DBing sooner. Now I know...
I'll check that book out too.
Have you checked out AFWAW's sitch -- he's got GucciLoafer giving him some great advice.
It might be worth your time to check it out.
Stacy
Hey Stacy,
I'm going to check that out. Thanks for the 411. How was your day?
I DID IT!
I just signed up (and paid) for the Dallas White Rock Marathon 12/13/09.
Whewwhoooo!! I always enjoy having something to train for. Have you done marathons before?
LOL - no way. This is my first. I was shaking filling out the form. I already paid the entry fee so I gotta show up. I just saw Run Fatboy Run; Simon Pegg is awesome.
But I've wanted to do this for a long time. I'm really excited and friggin scared out of my mind!
have you looked into any running clubs around the area? it's a great way to meet people and get distracted on days you don't feel like putting in the miles :-). plus you can get great tips from experienced guys. i'm excited for you! i have done a half marathon and that was enough for me! i love the atmosphere of races/fitness event! get a good plan, stick to it for the most part, and you'll do great! what a great way to challenge and strengthen yourself!
Hey thanks Fit, there are some clubs near by. I work with a guy who runs lots of marathons, he said he would help me and run with me.
I've also been checking out Runners World. I told my girls about it and they are just as excited as I am.
Did you run in high school or college?