As I try to detach I'm realizing my greatest struggle is the desire to watch the social media of OW. I don't know if I have the ability to give up access, because frankly a lot of my intel has come from there, and when H was lying this is how I knew.
Having said that I'm also at the point where sometimes I know it hurts more to see things than to not.
Any suggestions to cope with the desire to look up her online postings?
(She's veeeery young - and makes it very easy, as they post everything online)
Redirect your energy. We all sacrifice part of ourselves for marriage. There's nothing wrong with that, it's part of the deal. What were some things you loved to do before you got married but put aside during the marriage? Think about it and you'll come up with them. A hobby, going to school, switch careers, get a career, whatever.
The problem is you're still acting like 1/2 of a married couple and you're not. Not at the present. Instead of being 1/2 of a married couple you're a whole single person. Your life belongs to you 100%. You don't have to check with anyone else about anything. Want to eat PB&J for dinner? Go for it. Watch whatever you want on TV, the remote is 100% in your control.
Find a passion and pursue it passionately. Energy spent on worrying about them, checking up on them, is wasted life and life is too short and precious for that.
In this situation you're the winner. On one side you have two liars that will pursue a liar's union. That's doomed. Whereas the other side has you, a person who kept their integrity in tact. The better half.
You can't control what happened to you but you can 100% control how you let it affect you.
Find your passion and pursue it passionately.
Good luck. I'm rooting for you. I know you can do it.
CK2001,
I looked through my W's "stuff" as I have gone through my sitch. It's how I've found out most of the stuff I know about whats she's done. There's good and bad to it. The bad being what it does to us, enraging our emotions and putting us down a path thats not healthy for our happiness. I think we all struggle with that at first. I think its in us to want to know the whole story because maybe that will make everything better. As I've gone along, it has gotten easier to not do it, but I do slip every once in a while.
I guess the realization that you come to is you are usually right with you gut feelings, actually seeing the proof doesn't help much besides get you more worked up.
I would say I tend to make a stand that I'm not going to look today. And then today becomes 2 days and you go from there. Once you can get through a short span, getting through a longer one seems easier. Keep busy. Find articles to read online etc. It keeps the mind busy.
Also I would add to assume he is doing something wrong most of the time, and then do what you need to from there. He's already proven he is distrustful, assume he will continue to do so until he has proven otherwise to your satisfaction
My question is this - How does he prove he can be trusted again? My H and I have spoken about the possibility of reconciling, but he has lied throughout our 6 month separation and I don't know how to forget that/believe him once we start reconciling.
Spying is a double edged sword. The "rules" say not to do it. But that's how most of us get the info we need to prove the A. But once you have the proof, it then just becomes painful. I eventually had to remove the FB app from my phone and the bookmark from my browser so that I wouldn't constantly be checking on things. That being said, 3 months into our separation, I discovered that I could log into my W's FB account and then discovered that the A was still going on. That lead to me filing for D and it seems that act is what was able to end the A and get my W to a place where she could start coming out of the fog. If I had not snooped, I don't know that we would be where we are at today.
Before reconciliation can begin, there has to be true remorse. You would know it when you see it. But even then, trust is something that still has to be earned. There must be a transparency plan. For me, that included turning back on iPhone tracking, combining bank accounts and getting an iPod touch that has all of my W's credentials so that I can see all of her emails and text messages. My W also closed her FB account. She did all of that willingly. If your spouse is not willing to readily agree to a transparency plan, then that is a huge red flag. They should have NO problem being completely transparent. I know I don't. My W can look at my phone and computer anytime she wants. I have no issues because I have nothing to hide. If the WS is truly remorseful and wanting to work on the M, then a transparency plan should not be a big deal.
I don't want to live like that though. I don't want to check his phone, track it, check the phone bill, etc. I feel like I would drive myself crazy
Just because you have the capability doesn't mean you have to constantly monitor it. The mere fact that you H would be willing to turn over that information should be comforting to you. If he does, you can just keep that access "just in case." If you ever get suspicious, you have the ability to check. If you check and find that passwords have been changed, then you know something is up.
There are books available on recovering from an A and they usually discuss transparency plans as well as other things your S should be willing to do if they are sincere about repairing the damage from the A.
So this weekend he claims he's on a camping trip with a guy friend. I clearly don't believe him and think he's with her. Here's the question. We agreed to a six-month break. At the end of June, the six months are over. If he asks to come home and is completely transparent starting then, do I bring this up or do I chalk it up to something he did while we were apart?
If he's still with OW, then he's not coming home at the end of the month and even if he did, he won't be transparent. They won't just "turn it off" like that.
Only you can decide what you are comfortable with and what you are willing to accept.
He asked for a six month separation - a break from marriage. I told him that I would have to see how I felt at the end of it and then decide if I could take him back. It feels like he's having a mlc but he's too young
Thank you for posting this... It's giving me a different way of looking at my sitch.
My view is very straightforward
Intel is needed to confirm and thenot to reconfirm
Snooping is scab picking you do it because picking a scab is satisfyingly painful
When you go for Intel have someone safe and grounding with you, if using FB don't use share screen print instead
You can play the FB game by putting crazy loco stuff in but it isn't worth it
Just be ok, you got the Intel
Block
When you truly are indifferent you leave it