I decided to start a topic here because yesterday I found in my W's diary an entry saying she was falling in love with OM. Obviously I feel sick!!!
Let me start with just a bit of the background on how this started. Feb 2nd was the BD. This came on the heels of a pretty happy (so it appeared) Dec. She threw me a surprise Bday party and took me away for the weekend, just the 2 of us. Within a month or so she is telling me she is done.
She has a history of depression, self confindence issues, keeps her feelings guarded so she doesn't get hurt and commitment isssues steming back from her childhood when we meet and dated (all of which she admits in her diary). I should say I've know her since I was 10. Started dating in high school. So I know (or knew) her pretty well.
I added the above because I don't know if that effects how I handle a WW. Maybe everyone can advise on that.
We have a family trip next week. Yes, next week. We planned it months ago and when she told me, she said she wanted to give the kids 1 last happy vacation before telling them. We leave this Sat for Fl.
The OM is someone who she knew in her 20's. Old friend who has appearently been after her for years through FB etc. It seems he finally getting her to listen. Although I keep getting reminded it takes 2.
So I believe this didn't start over OM, but rather her commitment/depression etc., and has now included OM. (Maybe the order is different than what I think)
Need some advice on how to handle/act on this vacation with the family and how to move forward. Thanks!
Another question I forgot to address is do I confront the A? She is not aware that I know. Do I need to ask if she is having one etc.? Or tell her I know and then begin the detachment?
Hi Scotch,
Sorry you are here but it is a good place to be if you find yourself in this situation.
I recommend reading ALL of Sandi2's "Reflection" posts.
http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2653323&page=1Its all about how to deal with a WW.
Get and read the book if you haven't. Go to counseling for yourself. Start the DB process. Work on your 180's and GAL.
If your WW is depressed, she probably needs to address that. Is she on medication?
As far as exposing the A to her, I can't tell you what you should do in your particular situation. Is it an EA or PA? My WW is in a PA and I confronted her and kicked her out of the house. I thought the A had stopped but found out a couple of weeks ago that it has still been going on. I've started the D process and intend to serve her next week. For me and my emotional health, I simply couldn't "wait it out." I'm moving on with my life. I gave her 3 months to get her $hit together and she hasn't so I'm done.
If you are going to tell her you know, you need to have absolute proof because she will lie and deny it. And you need to know what you are going to do if you confront her. You really can't demand that she stop. She's got to decide that she wants to do that herself.
I should say I think her depression isn't the main issue with her. While she had depression bad when she was younger that has gotten much better. And no she is not on medication. I believe that main issues with affected us is her relationship issues that have come from her parents divorce. Her parents divorced, re-married, had another kid, and divorced again. Her dad was an alcoholic (since has gotten better), her mom had an A. She says she wanted her parents to get a divorce. She was 16 when the second divorce happened. Then later on, her mom bounced around from guy to guy and is now married to her ex-husbands brother. Yes, not a good foundation for my wife. This is more where her issues lie and her unsettled feelings in relationships. She doesn't want to acknowledge the connection. I know this something she needs to see on her own.
She has always seemed to have "one foot out the door". I have felt it throughout our M but never confronted it directly. Don't rock the boat right! She was always protecting herself from getting hurt. That's what I believe has brought us here where she is unwilling to work on our issues which are based on communication. Communication can be worked on. At least you can work on it and then make a decision.
Another question I forgot to address is do I confront the A? She is not aware that I know. Do I need to ask if she is having one etc.? Or tell her I know and then begin the detachment?
You can nip this A in the bud or you can play doormat and allow it to flourish and grow. Your choice.
In hindsight, I wish I had exposed the my WW's A immediately.
I have addressed that I know about it but not any further. Are you suggesting that I need to make a stand in some way about this needs to stop until we are "officially done". Would something like that push her towards him more?
Is the OM married? If so, I would expose it to his W. If not, there may not be much you can do. I see many people here that allow their WW to remain in the house while an A is ongoing. You may not be able to legally kick her out but you can try. At a bare minimum, kick her out of the bedroom. I wish to God that I had done more when I first found out. I would be very heavy handed. I know first hand that being nice and showing compassion does not work. They will lie and manipulate to get what they want. Being lenient does not work. Trust me.
No he is not married from what I can get on Facebook.
She has been on the couch basically from the start of this.
In my state you can not kick the spouse out legally. Of course I can ask. I also have the kids in the house to consider.
I confronted her about the EA maybe a month ago and it hasn't been brought up since. And at the time the conversation was basically asking if she is involved with someone. She denied at first and then finally said yes. It really didn't go any further than that at the time and hasn't been addressed since. But I do know they are still in communication. It stays behind the scenes for the most part. The only time he directly commented on one of her Facebook posts that I could see was this past week on our family vacation. She posted regarding liking a new band and he replied that he liked them too.
So I had another thread going under Newcomers called "UP and DOWN" where I was talking more than here. That was because I was under the impression that this was just an EA that was something more new.
So to catch you up. I confronted her last thursday about setting my boundaries on not having an open marriage in hopes of ending this EA. I truly believe I need him out of the picture if there is any chance at her thinking about us.
It was a few hour conversation. It started with the boundaries which she put up a fight about saying I can't demand those things. To which my reply was I am not demanding but telling you my boundaries. She continued to get mad and I eluded to knowing that she's still contacting her EA. She reacted confused which I was taking as her lying. I said I have proof no reason to lie and she was responding with "wait what are you talking about?" That's when I finally clicked in my head that she was talking about something or someone else. So I stopped and flipped it on her saying ok if I'm wrong you tell me the truth. She asked if I really want to know and I said yes. She paused and the. Began to tell me. First guy was 2 1/2 years ago. Again an old friend from the past who looked her up on FB. Then the recent guy was 2 months ago or so right before she actually told me from a bar. She said that one didn't mean anything. In her mind the marriage was done (ha). I held up my ring again and said l, but it's not. She broke down crying at one point saying sorry and saying she now realizes the reason she did that with the guy years ago was to get back at me for looking at porn and this is how she could get back at me in her head. She said the EA is still just that. She said she considers her as a wife and her as a mother 2 separate things. She admitted her relationship issues but said it wasn't a factor here. She didn't see the EA being interference between us. She asked if I looked up why women cheat and I said of course. She said then I would know that she did all this because I was emotionally unavailable. (justifying to herself I guess) Towards the end It was brought up were we stand and she said if she had to make a decision now that she still wants out and wants to tell the kids. I went upstairs and changed to leave (4:30am) and came down and she tried stopping me saying to just go to bed and cool off. I was just going to work at this point but didn't tell her. My last comment out the door was, the statement I made tonight when this started (about not contacting guys while we are married) still applies
I've obviously been thinking of nothing else but this since then. What it means to me what she did. If I want to stay in this marriage. If I could stay in this marriage. My initial reaction is to continue to work on my marriage. I'm sure thats a natural instinct.
I have made mistakes in the marriage just like her. To have a tally sheet of who's is worse doesn't make such sense to me.
We talked again Sunday evening. It started with us finalizing our taxes. Then she asked if I wanted to talk about telling the kids. (I'm not ready for that yet) I said I'm still processing my thoughts and haven't had a chance to talk to my counselor about it yet. She said we could get a mediator involved to make this cheaper and get it going next week.
I felt I needed to stop and ask about the OM (EA). So I asked if there was still communications. She said that has nothing to do with this and started getting angry. I explained I don't want an open M and yes it does have something to do with this. She said I get advice from friends and family etc. But I said he has crossed boundaries, that makes it different. I would not have talks about our M if he is involved. She was getting pretty upset about it and said I was being controlling. She finally said fine I will stop and then we can tell the kids quickly correct? I said I would work on it.
I have gotten the feeling that she doesn't want to process any of what has gone on in our marriage. Is that normal? She just wants to forget everything and move on. Not addressing how it makes her feel.
So I'm really trying to figure out the way to proceed. I've gone back to acting like nothing is bothering me around her (the best I can). I came home from work yesterday and she was cutting her sisters hair. I acted completely normal, said hi to them and then went about doing my own thing.
After they finished, my W said her sister was taking her out to dinner as a thank you for doing her hair. She was getting her stuff ready by me, saying bye to the kids. She came up to me and got within a few inches of kissing me goodbye (like we would do normally). Then she realized and pulled away laughing. She said of sorry, wow that was weird. We all kind of chuckled about it. Am I looking to far into that? Was that habit or was that a reaction because I was being normal, her walls were down and she was able to just act?
Scotch,
She wants to lay all the blame on you. My WW is doing the same thing. Continues to lie about dating and just wants to finish things because she ultimately feels her way of thinking is the only way.
If W feels ok with herself to date then that is something you can't control. The question is, how long are you willing to accept this behavior? Are you willing to wait for W to make the decision to S or D and continue to DB until then?
JimKao,
At the moment I'm still in DB mode. And I agree 100% she is laying blame on me. She does that every chance she gets to defend her actions.
Because this OM was someone she knew from her childhood and reconnected with at some point she defends trying to stay in contact with him because of that. I pointed out he has crossed boundaries and she doesn't see it or doesn't want to. The guy commented on a picture of her on our Anniversary weekend getaway we did this past August saying, Your such a beautiful woman. I mean come on! Duh he's been trying to persuade you for years! Blame it on the fog I guess
Scotch,
Been in your shoes, brother. If OM has family, out him.
Tell your wife you're moving on with your life, without her, since your hard boundaries have been crossed. A very difficult time for you. Act as if you're Divorced.
Think long game. Make SURE she knows she just lost plan B. That takes weeks of action. A day or two won't cut it. Take off for a few days by yourself.
Talking here from what I should have done.
OM does not have a family. At least not wife, ex wife or kids that I've found. He has family here in my state but he is currently living in another state. I know he is coming here this summer from what I've sen but I'm not sure if its a permanent move or visit. I've have had advice to "out" him but I haven't decided if thats a good move or not yet.
Trumpet, as you know, acting as if I'm over her and telling her that as well is a scary decision to make!
I'm trying to stall on her wanting to tell the kids. I thing thats a big one for her. Once she goes down that route the rest is easier (in her head). She has been dreading telling the kids from what I've overheard. I mentioned she should start the other processes if she needs to hoping to delay telling the kids. She also mentioned sleeping on the couch and getting up before them to hide it is tough on her lol. Definitely not worried about that!
I appreciate the reassurance that this is a long term battle and not a day to day one
She came to me again asking about telling the kids. She said our middle son (11) has been acting different and getting emotional and she says its because of us. Well I'm sure it is. He senses somethings wrong. He can tell we aren't the same. But again, I feel telling the kids is more down the road when things are actually closer to being officially done. And part of this is her not liking sleeping on the couch and having to get up before the kids wake up.
She pressed me this weekend about telling the kids AGAIN. She wanted to tell them Yesterday. She said she was gonna do it with or without me. I told her you don't want to do that! I told her there are other things that need to come first, like getting the house ready and putting it on the market.
I don't want to tell the kids now for a couple reason, and maybe you guys can give your opinion.
First is I still want to see if we can work on the marriage. I'm not at a point of giving up yet. I feel in her head, once she tells the kids it is that much easier to go through with this. Telling the kids is going to be the hardest part for her.
Second is telling the kids and then sitting in the house for 6 months or longer just prolongs the pain for them and also will confuse them. My youngest are both just turning 8.
I know I'm supposed to giver her what she wants but I think I need to pick what I give her as well
I wouldn't involve OM family.... from my own experience they might not care. I never anything to OW family (mom/dad/siblings) but she and my H told them he was married with me being pregnant & they welcomed him with open arms. It may not work out like you think...
As far as telling the kids, I would talk to them about how marriage is really hard work and you're doing the best you can right now but things are rough. Assure them that they will always come first but mom & dad need some space. So they can see W sleeping on the couch & not get upset. And no, I don't think it will be easier once the kids know. I think reality will SLOWLY set in.
We talked last night about working towards the D together. Meaning doing as much "figuring out" without lawyers. Hopefully that works for financial reasons, but I guess my only fear is it will probably be a quicker process by not involving lawyers. Believe me, not that I want to spend 10k just to prolong this to see if I can save it, but it does suck knowing this may go quicker than I originally thought it might.
She certainly does seem more at peace when we talk about moving forward towards the D.
We talked and have figured out a date to tell our kids, May 6th. That's gonna be the worst day of my life so far. Crushing my kids and taking a giant step towards divorce.
She seems in a better mood now. Not for the reasons I would hope for. Hopefully everyone is right and this will put her in a different frame of mind
Anyone have good resources links on how to tell kids about a D? Maybe even pertaining to when both parents don't want the D.
I'm starting to write down what I can about telling them so I'm not blindsided but this is tough. I can use any help possible.
She mentioned to me today about her and I going to counseling to get us on the the same page. Basically the way I was taking it was to help with any misunderstandings or to help me understand why she wants the D.
I don't know if this can backfire on me. I'm hoping any counseling is good counseling if we do this.
Scotch,
Maybe you can discuss with the counselor how to tell the kids, that way the same message is sent to the kids.
JimKao,
Good point! Frankly I want her to tell my W we aren't prepared to do this yet. But good suggestion.
Scotch, if the therapist were to tell your wife that I think she would put up a wall with the therapist if she even went back. You're not going to "talk" her out of this, like a rebellious teenager the more people who tell her it's a bad idea the more she is going to dig in her heels.
What are some GAL activities you have been doing lately? Tell me what you like doing.
Twinmom,
Interesting point on the counselor. I admit I was taken back when she suggested doing counseling now. Especially since she has said no when I brought it up in the beginning of all this and was very certain about it. I don't know what the motive is. Maybe just to say she did it once and could tell everyone that
As far as GAL, it's tough. Here's what my family life is. My wife is a hair stylist. She works every Tuesday and Thursday night, every other Wednesday night and alternates sat and Sunday's every week. I have the 4 kids 17, 11 and 7 year old twins. So not making excuses but the GAL has been tough. I used to draw a lot and started doing that again. I put my headphones on after kids go to bed and draw at the kitchen table. I also coach my sons baseball team so that's keeping me busy for a few hours on the weekends. I'm starting up playing softball myself in a week or so, 1 night a week. Not doing much else other than that. I've read other posts where people just retreat to their bedroom to get away. I could do that.
And might I add this is my major issues with pulling back (going dark), with her already not around as much as usual couples are with her work schedule, I feel I'm only seeing her 3 evenings at best and 10 minutes in the morning as I leave for work
I get that GAL is hard with kids. Can you sit down with W and hammer out a schedule? Does your 17yr old watch the younger ones, as in W will be home in an hour(ish) so you can leave and do your own thing?
I don't leave my 15yr old with any of the younger ones as he has no patience for his 10yr old brother, the twins are just a flipping handful & Lilly has medical issues so she isn't left with ANYONE.
My suggestions, go for a massage (cheaper ones at massage/beauty schools)
Go to the gym
Go sit at Panera/bookstore/coffee shop and post/read here
Do whatever you can to NOT be there when your wife comes home. She needs to see you as a strong & mysterious man that has a great social life. New cologne, a new shirt, or shoes...
What's your current style? Casual, sporty?
Ok, gotta take my twins to preschool.... post more later
Twinmom,
My 17yr old Alana does watch the kids from time to time. I have had her watch the kids so I could go out. I've maybe gotten out one evening every 2 weeks or so. She is a senior going to prom this weekend and also heading to college this summer. She has been pretty busy and has started to complain to my W when I have her watch the kids and my W backs her when possible.
Love the suggestions. I've been trying to get friends to go hang out, but most are married and busy with their families. I live the suggestions of things to do by myself just to get out.
My wife comes home anywhere from 9pm-11pm the evenings she works.
I went our a month ago and bought a few new shirts and cologne. Maybe its time for a few more
I am a casual person I would say. I've been trying to dress up as much as possible without looking like I'm dressing up ha.
Hi Scotch,
Telling the kids is tricky. Michele's position on how to tell the children is in an article that she wrote in May of 2015. Please email me if you would like me to send you the link.
I'm assuming you still want to reconcile with your wife, right? I strongly urge you to speak to a Divorce Busting coach as soon as possible. There is still much that can be done. Call me to discuss our coaching program. 303-444-7004
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Thanks Cristy!
The whole telling the kids scares me! I feel once this is done she won't turn back. This seems to be her drive right now, to get it over with. I would think filing would come first but for her, she's pushed to tell the kids since the start of this.
Yesterday after work I had a job interview followed by a counseling appnt. She texted me suggesting I remember to talk over with my counselor anything I need to about telling the kids.
When I came home I acted happy and short. She asked how it went with the interview and I quickly replied nicely "fine, thanks". She had planned to go out that night and asked if that was still ok. Again a quick reply back to her and said have a great time. She then started grilling me saying something is wrong, I should tell her. I kept saying that nothing was wrong while smiling, then went up to shower. She came up after I finished before she left and said maybe tomorrow you can tell me whats wrong. I'm not sure if It was my happy nature or short answers that threw her off.
Even better if you're not home at 9pm..... man of mystery!
Go watch a game at a bar, chat up the bartender(man or woman, I'm not implying flirting just conversation)
I highly suggest doing some charity work. It makes you feel good, gives you something to do & helps others!
I found a new hobby (making $$$$) mystery shopping, rewards apps & taking the extreme couponing that I had done for years to an even higher level.
I'm not saying I didn't struggle (oh lord if you read my threads I'm a blabbering emotional fool on a string) but these things did help take my mind off my sitch & lift my spirits.
Hi Scotch,
I too dreaded that convo of telling my kids. Granted my WW moved out before we did, so I think they knew something was going on....I did some research on the bullet points to cover, discussed it with my WW and told her that she was the one that needed to deliver the message. It wasn't as hard as I thought it was going to be, they probably already know something is wrong and the reassurance that mom and dad will always love them might help. We didn't say the D word, just that she needed her own place. I think baby steps is best, but I have seen it both ways. I actually felt a huge weight lifted off me once we told them.
Only thing was WW told them she just needed her own place for a "little while" so I think they still hold onto her coming home. Do the research and let her deliver the message and your job is to NOT CRY, or BE SAD. You need to act positive for them, and just shower them with your love, affirmation, validation. Also, do it somewhere you can all get dessert or something right after to change the subject. No easy way, but know it will not be as big of a deal as you think
Cube, thanks for the reassurance!! I've done as much research as someone can do. And I want my wife to state we disagree on divorcing, but it takes two in a M like Michelle suggests. I feel my kids should know I didn't want this without shooting blame at her. Show them it's ok to fight for what you want. Interesting on the no crying or sad statement. Haven't heard that before. Can you expand on that theory?
Twinmom,
Your right, I can still be gone whenever she gets home. And I love the charity suggestion! I'm one of those guys were my W says I was emotionally unavailable. Both our communication wasn't very good and her work schedule I realized hurt us. Too much time apart! It seems like a dance to show her my changes in communication I'm working on through counseling but be dark and mysterious at the same time. Very tough daily with not seeing her a lot during the week. I feel her pulling away more from me
Cube, thanks for the reassurance!! I've done as much research as someone can do. And I want my wife to state we disagree on divorcing, but it takes two in a M like Michelle suggests. I feel my kids should know I didn't want this without shooting blame at her. Show them it's ok to fight for what you want. Interesting on the no crying or sad statement. Haven't heard that before. Can you expand on that theory?
Hi Scotch,
I totally get where you are coming from, but I really don't think that your looking at this right. This conversation is not about who is right and who is wrong. It is not about who wants this and who doesn't. THEY WILL SEE THAT ONE DAY. She is there mom, and they love her just as they do you.<--think about that. There is NO winner and NO loser in this for them. This conversation is about explaining to them what is going to happen and your goal as a loving father should be to minimize the pain this sitch will have on them.
I think your statement about wanting them to see she wanted this and you didn't, and the fact you haven't seen anything about not crying or being sad means that you have not done as much research as anyone can do. This seems to be 101, from my googles. You need to do more research. Make sure that you and your W discuss the convo before. Be on the same page, even if it is not a book you want to read. I know that you are hurting, and I know it is not fair. You have to "Take on for the team" here.
They will look to you for emotional guidance on how to react, if you are sad, they will be sad. IF you are STRONG, they will have a better shot at being strong. Sorry for the 2x4, but again. THIS IS NOT ABOUT WHO IS RIGHT AND WRONG. THIS IS NOT ABOUT WHO WANTS THIS. It is about your kids, and one of the most life changing conversations they might ever have. Do your part to minimize this impact. Your WW doesn't deserve this but your kids do.
I welcome ALL 2x4's!
I tell my family all the time, don't hold back, tell me what I need to hear, always. Otherwise I only have the thoughts in my head to go on and they aren't always clear.
I truly haven't seen don't cry or be sad on sites I've looked at. I will take the time to look at more sites today. And maybe your right, I can research even more. Maybe I've been seeing what I want to see as well.
And yes, I want to take this book I'm reading, burn it, dig a 10 foot hole to put it in and build a mountain on top of it. In other words, save this M
She mentioned last night that we are going to start going over what we want to say tonight so here we go...
Hi Scotch,
Be cautious when having the conversation with you wife about how to proceed with telling the children. "On the same page" (from your wife's perspective) seems to be a common thread in your posts. You want to be very careful right now!
Please refer to Michele's article that I emailed to you. Read it several times so that it is second nature.
Do you have time to speak with a DB Coach today before this conversation with your wife is supposed to take place?
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator
The Divorce Busting Center
303-444-7004
Cube, thanks for the reassurance!! I've done as much research as someone can do. And I want my wife to state we disagree on divorcing, but it takes two in a M like Michelle suggests. I feel my kids should know I didn't want this without shooting blame at her. Show them it's ok to fight for what you want. Interesting on the no crying or sad statement. Haven't heard that before. Can you expand on that theory?
Hi Scotch,
I totally get where you are coming from, but I really don't think that your looking at this right. This conversation is not about who is right and who is wrong. It is not about who wants this and who doesn't. THEY WILL SEE THAT ONE DAY. She is there mom, and they love her just as they do you.<--think about that. There is NO winner and NO loser in this for them. This conversation is about explaining to them what is going to happen and your goal as a loving father should be to minimize the pain this sitch will have on them.
I think your statement about wanting them to see she wanted this and you didn't, and the fact you haven't seen anything about not crying or being sad means that you have not done as much research as anyone can do. This seems to be 101, from my googles. You need to do more research. Make sure that you and your W discuss the convo before. Be on the same page, even if it is not a book you want to read. I know that you are hurting, and I know it is not fair. You have to "Take on for the team" here.
They will look to you for emotional guidance on how to react, if you are sad, they will be sad. IF you are STRONG, they will have a better shot at being strong. Sorry for the 2x4, but again. THIS IS NOT ABOUT WHO IS RIGHT AND WRONG. THIS IS NOT ABOUT WHO WANTS THIS. It is about your kids, and one of the most life changing conversations they might ever have. Do your part to minimize this impact. Your WW doesn't deserve this but your kids do.
Yes, this! Except I don't agree with the don't cry/don't be sad... try your best to keep it together but be real.
This is DEFINITELY not the time to make it clear who wants out and who doesn't. Don't put the kids in the middle & play the blame game (even if it's true).
When we told our kids that we were separating, I cried and my wife sat there emotionless. They were upset to know that my W would be moving out. Had you asked my kids for their preference at that time, they would have preferred that I move out. But SO much has changed since then. My R with my D's has become amazing. My W started out doing a lot of things with them and they would go over to her house to spend the night on weekends (I insisted that they be home with me every school night since I take them to school in the mornings) but over time, she has really dropped off in the amount of time she has spent with them. My kids now who their rock is. They know I am the one that will always be there for them. Her interaction with them in the past month (since I filed for D, A got exposed to OM's W and we started piecing) has actually dropped off even more. They've not stayed the night with her even once. But I think all that is ok. My W is busy coming to grips with what she did and how much that hurt everybody. She needs some time to figure out how to make amends for all that. She'll be moving back in soon and we'll work on rebuilding our family.
I would just say that you should let your W put any of the blame on you. When we told our kids about the S, I allowed my W to say that WE had decided to S when in fact it was solely her decision. I would insist that you W tell the kids that this is HER decision. Then you just need to work on being the best dad you can be. It will be hard for the kids but they are resilient. They just need to be loved.
LiM,
I've been doing my best focusing on the kids to get me through the days. It helps to keep my mind in a good place as much as it can be.
We stated talking about how to tell the kids this past Friday. As much as I prepared myself, having notes on what I wanted to say etc., I found myself in a state of disbelief as we were talking. She started talking for maybe 15 mins or so with me listening. She was bringing up points that I agreed with until we got to school and living arrangements. She wants to say our kids will be in the same school and my counselor advised not to say that unless we are 100% sure that will work out. Just to not disappoint them more. She tried saying the kids could go to her sisters house (to stay in district) after school. I pointed out that neither one of us have even started looking at places to stay and have no idea where we will end up. She said she would make it work picking up the kids from there, to which I said what if that doesn't work for my situation. She didn't like that.
Then she brought up visitation. In IL they changed the law, there is no more visitation per say. But she wants me to get the kids Tues and Thurs and every other weekend. I told her that will not work. I want them for a full week off and on. This again made her very upset and she broke down crying. She said I didn't even want kids and now she is going to be punished by not getting the kids for most of the time. She says that because it was her idea on having the kids. Not exactly fair, but I replied, Why do you think I had kids then? She replied, because you loved me so much. I hope she heard herself say that!
So we basically called it a night after that, and are picking it up again tonight. She still wants to tell the kids this Fri.
We went out of town this weekend as a family for my sons baseball. We got along pretty good. My one buddy who knows whats going on leaned over at one point and asked if everything was going good and was shocked that nothing has changed, based on how she was interacting with me. Talking, laughing at times etc.
This is a tough one Scotch,
I'm glad you are standing up for yourself (and your kids). Dont let her bully you. Your kids are the MOST important thing right now. Make decisions based on what is best for them; not what is best for you or your W.
Scotch, at one point my first husband (oldest two boys, married 12yrs then super fast divorce) and I split custody like this
Me, every Tuesday & Wednesday
Ex H, every Thursday & Friday
Then we would rotate the Saturday/Sunday/Monday
That ment that one week I would have kids 5 days in a row and then the following week he would have 5 in a row. We always have had 50/50 custody but this calendar rotation worked great as the kids never went more than 5 days without seeing us and it lessened the back/forth.
My kids go to a Catholic school so it doesn't matter where we live but I would pick a school system and promise the kids they won't have to switch schools. It will give them some extra sense of security and stability.
I feel pretty strong about getting a 50/50 split somehow. No reason it should t go that way. Obviojsly she thought I wouldn't disagree or wouldn't want to be bothered. Still have to finish going down that discussion and the money talk as well after we get through this
We sat down tonight and didn't get much further. She didn't have anything written down to go over besides the notes she had from Friday. I actually was surprised. I thought she'd have a script started. She asked what I wanted to say as if I should take the lead on this. When I replied that I was expecting her to have this more thought out she said what, do you just want me to take the blame for this because I will. I said no, not at all. But for the gravity of what we are about to tell our kids I thought you'd be a little more prepared that's all. I got the sense that she wanted to wing it a bit. I said I dont think that's a great idea we need this written down. So she is goin to do that and talk again tomorrow. She seems like this isn't that big of a deal for them in a way. Confused on her thinking
Twinmom I thought of you tonight about getting out more. I came home and she offered to cut my hair which was long over due. After that I got fixed up and left telling her that I was going to the store. Just drove around a bit to get out of the house. It made her think thkugh. She said oh is that what you call it. I said I'm not sure what you mean knowing she was trying to be funny that I was going out to see a woman. She said I hope she likes your hair cut and laughed a bit. I think she expected me to respond. I just got my shoes on and left for an hour or so
Thinking back over the past 2 months or so its seems like she pulled away more. I've said before she is a very determined person. Gets her mind set on something and wants to follow through. I'm second guessing my approach with her.
She supposedly stopped talking to the EA OM. Can't prove it either way. But is she still thinking about him and getting back to talking with him and thats what driving her to keep moving forward with this? Trying a maybe with another guy who can tell her anything he wants because he has nothing to lose, instead of a M with 4 kids? Is this her driving force? In some ways she feels more distant. And yet in the middle of this, we have times were we laugh together and get along, short spurts mind you.
She agreed to TELL me her plans instead of just putting them on our calendar without verbalizing them to me. Another boundary I set this past week. It seems I get these mini boundaries but nothing seems to be working towards the R.
Is this how it works? Patience right? "I'm done trying". "I don't want to try anymore". "I don't want to talk about our R". All ringing in my head. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I don't see any movement from her since this started and maybe its gone the other way.
Patience right?
Thinking back over the past 2 months or so its seems like she pulled away more. I've said before she is a very determined person. Gets her mind set on something and wants to follow through. I'm second guessing my approach with her.
Patience right?
This is my W to a fault. Being determined and following through on things is generally a good trait to have. But when it becomes the primary driving factor at the expense of logic, then there is a problem. And when there is an OM, there is NO logic. Common sense goes out the window. My W started her A and then became set on S. We probably did need to S and have a cooling off period but because she was in the fog of the A, she made some very poor choices. She rented a 3 bedroom house with a 1 year lease and filled it full of new furniture for her and our daughters. But my daughters have stayed with me through this whole ordeal. There were probably a lot of ways she could have S that wouldn't have had as many financial repercussions.
Dont second guess yourself. IF she is still involved in the A, there is no hope and you can't truly evaluate the effect your changes are having. She'd got to come out of the fog and the A has to stop before that can happen. If you are not seeing changes in her, you should probably assume the A is still active. I didn't see changes in my W and it was because the A was still active and I didn't know it. One week after the A was exposed to OM's W, EVERYTHING started to change. Stay the course. Keep doing what you are doing. The process works.
Don't second guess yourself. IF she is still involved in the A, there is no hope and you can't truly evaluate the effect your changes are having. She'd got to come out of the fog and the A has to stop before that can happen. If you are not seeing changes in her, you should probably assume the A is still active.
Yeah not being able to know makes it tough. This is the EA and the guy is in Houston right now. So any contact is texts. The problem is it's been texts this whole time so he's getting to her emotionally. I saw he posted in March on his Instagram page about a concert he went to with her as friends after high school and said something like still have feelings for this hottie. (I just threw up in my mouth).
LiM, I'm just wondering if I'm not seeing changes I need to change what I'm doing, give it time or maybe I'm not seeing what's happening clearly. I know no one knows the correct answer. And yes, her logic is wrapped around this process and not "feeling" whats happening in the process. Frustrating. Deep breath... keep moving forward.
Scotch, work on detachment more. As in not constantly trying to evaluate if your plan of action is "working".
Your plan of action is ultimately to make YOU an amazing person not control your wife.
If you separate and even divorce is that a dealbreaker for you? What I mean is maybe she does need for the marriage to truly end before she can work on her issues, and turn back to you for a healthy new marriage.
Example..... my ex husbands parents divorced when he was in 4th grade, they dated other people/were completly done with their marriage. They then started dating again his freshman year of college. They never legally remarried but wear rings/live together/are committed to each other for the past 15 years.
Let her go, don't script this conversation so much that you're spending more time/energy planning it then you will spend actually having the conversation. I know how badly it hurts, trust me I remember the pain, I still feel the pain.
What are some of your W 'complaints' that you agree are areas that need improvement in yourself? Let's make a list and start working on YOU for the simple fact that you WANT to be a better person.
You're in Illinois right? Near Chicago? There are sooooooooooo many opportunities for charity work, free things to do with the kids, things to do by yourself, meet other people..
Thanks twinmom. I will work on detaching more. Didn't recognize that.
Her parents got divorced, remarried, had their last kid together and then divorced again. So I know what your saying there.
Complaints: Mainly communication. Not emotionally connecting with her. Not being able to "show" her how much I loved her. All the things that make DB'ing seem harder lol.
Yes Chicago IL, more of the western suburbs, out near Naperville more
I'm in NW Indiana, 40minutes from my house to the loop (on a good traffic day, lol) the construction on LSD right at McCormick place is killing me lately!
Go into the city more often (that is if you enjoy it, I absolutely love it... will be moving downtown as soon as my kids are out of the house!)
Do you agree with your wife that you were lacking in those areas?
My suggestions, show your children how much you love them. Hug them, plan activities (free stuff), send them a package with a I love you card and maybe some of their favorite candy. My kids ADORE getting mail (even the oldest).
Scavenger hunt that starts with a card in the mail and ends with an I love you cake...
Women are attracted to good fathers.
Oh and by the way, it's easy to spew "you didn't SHOW me enough love". Only take responsibility for the truth.
Yes I do agree with my wife I was lacking in those areas. I've do all the sports activities with my kids coaching all 3 of them in sports. I know however I could do even more at home. Since this started I have been making their lunch every day. Something my wife always did in the past. I've sat down and played board games or cards with them on a random day. But theres even more I can do. I know that.
Love hearing your advice on things to do!!
The tricky stuff comes with the stuff that effects her. DB'ing and showing more communication don't necessarily go hand in hand.
Yes I do agree with my wife I was lacking in those areas. I've do all the sports activities with my kids coaching all 3 of them in sports. I know however I could do even more at home. Since this started I have been making their lunch every day. Something my wife always did in the past. I've sat down and played board games or cards with them on a random day. But theres even more I can do. I know that.
Love hearing your advice on things to do!!
The tricky stuff comes with the stuff that effects her. DB'ing and showing more communication don't necessarily go hand in hand.
Overloaded with work tonight & tomorrow so I'll elaborate later but basically use this analogy....
Your wife has fired you from your job of being her husband. If your boss at work were to fire you would you continously show up and try to prove him wrong?
Thinking back over the past 2 months or so its seems like she pulled away more. I've said before she is a very determined person. Gets her mind set on something and wants to follow through. I'm second guessing my approach with her.
She supposedly stopped talking to the EA OM. Can't prove it either way. But is she still thinking about him and getting back to talking with him and thats what driving her to keep moving forward with this? Trying a maybe with another guy who can tell her anything he wants because he has nothing to lose, instead of a M with 4 kids? Is this her driving force? In some ways she feels more distant. And yet in the middle of this, we have times were we laugh together and get along, short spurts mind you.
She agreed to TELL me her plans instead of just putting them on our calendar without verbalizing them to me. Another boundary I set this past week. It seems I get these mini boundaries but nothing seems to be working towards the R.
Is this how it works? Patience right? "I'm done trying". "I don't want to try anymore". "I don't want to talk about our R". All ringing in my head. I feel like I'm doing something wrong. I don't see any movement from her since this started and maybe its gone the other way.
Patience right?
I feel like I am in the same boat as you, and we are pretty close by, I live in Oak Brook. My wife already moved out back to her parents in WI, but yeah the patience thing seems tough sometimes. Sometimes I feel like she just is drifting further and further away from any kind R, whether that is just getting over me and the marriage, or whether she is still continuing an EA with the OM.
I know it's a long process, but man I hear you that it's so tough to be patient sometimes.
Fin, maybe we will have to get out sometime.
Patience can be so hard when it feels like your clock is ticking away. But I guess as long as it's still ticking, you still have time. Telling the kids is the first big step she is taking after she told me. I guess that's why I'm having a hard time with this too. Another milestone pasted and there aren't many to go by.
Talked again last night going over what to say. This time she had a 4 sentence speech written. I felt it was like hitting them with a blunt hammer and not much reassurance and comforting in it. I have to add my comments and talk again tonight when she gets home from work. T minus 2 days until the the kids get their BD. Ugh
Scotch, work on detachment more. As in not constantly trying to evaluate if your plan of action is "working".
Your plan of action is ultimately to make YOU an amazing person not control your wife.
THIS!!!!
I know its so hard not to try and figure out what is going on in her head but the truth is, you can't. Nothing that is going on in her head makes any sense right now. She's lost and you can't help her find her way. Let her go. Work on you. Be awesome. You've got to take your focus off of her and put on you and you alone. THIS is what will make a difference. You can't do anything to make her come around before she is ready. What you can do is be ready when she does. Be the LIGHTHOUSE. I can guarantee you W will notice the changes but she has to be ready to see them.
I was at dinner with my W tonight and she AGAIN told me that she saw my changes all along. They made her angry. She was PISSED that I was becoming a better person (and was certainly behaving better than she was). It wasn't until she decided to drop the blame and anger that she could begin to appreciate all the work I had done. SHE has to make that decision. You have no power over getting her to that place. She's got to make that decision on her own. So instead of thinking about what she is doing or thinking, work on YOU. Be ready to BLOW her away if/when she does come out of the fog.
Be awesome. You've got to take your focus off of her and put on you and you alone. THIS is what will make a difference. You can't do anything to make her come around before she is ready. What you can do is be ready when she does. Be the LIGHTHOUSE. I can guarantee you W will notice the changes but she has to be ready to see them.
...So instead of thinking about what she is doing or thinking, work on YOU. Be ready to BLOW her away if/when she does come out of the fog.
I love this place! You guys say the right things at the right times. Thanks for everything you have and will say to help people like me not only try to save marriages but to better themselves along the way. It is appreciated!
We talked again last night going over how to tell the kids. Didn't go well again. She wanted to just say her thoughts off the top of her head and I think it should be written down so nothing is forgotten or said wrong. She got extremely angry saying I was trying to control the situation. I told her I was trying to work with her and trying to discuss it with her and figure out a happy medium for both of us.
Her anger scared me a bit to be honest.
I stayed as calm as I could trying to keep her in the conversation and show that I was trying to compromise and work through it together. She stayed pretty upset throughout the conversation but we seemed to finally have something ready for tomorrow
We talked again last night going over how to tell the kids. Didn't go well again. She wanted to just say her thoughts off the top of her head and I think it should be written down so nothing is forgotten or said wrong. She got extremely angry saying I was trying to control the situation. I told her I was trying to work with her and trying to discuss it with her and figure out a happy medium for both of us.
Her anger scared me a bit to be honest.
I stayed as calm as I could trying to keep her in the conversation and show that I was trying to compromise and work through it together. She stayed pretty upset throughout the conversation but we seemed to finally have something ready for tomorrow
You can't control how she interacts with the kids. Honestly this paragraph DOES come across as very controlling. (I'm pointing it out because I care, NOT to be critical)
Please please take a step back and realize that the more you try and script a conversation the more it's just going to go off track. Yes, have an idea of what you want to say but some people do better with winging it and that's ok!
Again NOT trying to be critical but the day after day of your W meeting with you to discuss a script sounds more like a student bringing a teacher a term paper to grade and the teacher continously giving it back saying "not good enough yet".
I understand you are scared and don't want this 'milestone' to happen but it's going to so try to let it happen with the least amount off stress to you & the kids.
BTW, it's probably not helping your cause to be openly critical of your W right now.
Now next topic, what do you have planned for yourself this weekend?
I agree Scotch,
You are coming across as being control. Let her do whatever she wants. If she wants to "wing" it, then so be it. Let her. If she screws up by what she tells your kids, then that is on her and your kids will know it. You focus on you and what you do.
Damn guys your right, ugh. Not smart of me. I am acting out of my fear of telling them!
Plans?l... Sat my son has a 9am game if it doesn't rain. Other than that I have a little running around to do to help the kids get things for Mother's Day. Sun, I helped the kids come up with activities to each do with her during the day so they each get special time with her. Not sure how Sunday will go down.
Any last minute advice on how to act with her specifically tonight when we do this?
Just make sure they know you love them, that you aren't leaving them and that they have done nothing wrong. This is a problem between mom and dad has nothing to do with them.
So we told them Friday after diner. I let my wife know however she felt comfortable telling them was perfectly fine. She didn't get a few words out of bed mouth and my 11 year old son started crying. Everyone one cried pretty hard. My 7 yr old daughter asked my wife if we could wait until after summer to get divorced so we could all be together for the summer. So sweet
She has t acted great since telling them leaving this afternoon to buy herself a new mattress for the footon she is sleeping on as if that's more important than being with the kids.
I spent yesterday and today with the as much as possible. Playing wiggle ball, sitting outside with them while they play and just being by them on the couch.
Worst experience I've had so far watching them cry! Working on staying strong on moving forward. She went out tonight to a bar to watch a band play. I've kept my distance and continue to act like she's a neighbor and not a wife. She asked my opinion on how to help her get the mattress. I wouldn't get her any suggestions on how to do it and that made her upset and she left stomping out mumbling. We will see how Mother's Day goes
She asked my opinion on how to help her get the mattress. I wouldn't get her any suggestions on how to do it and that made her upset and she left stomping out mumbling.
Good Job, Scotch!!
Good job Scotch. Let her sit in the mess she's made. Dont help her figure any of this out. Let he be mad and blame you all she wants. You have the opportunity to spend this time working on yourself and being the best dad you can for your kids. SHINE for them. Hopefully, you WW will eventually get her head out of her a$$ and see what she has done and how she has hurt the kids. She's abandoning her kids and she will come to see that eventually.
Today went well. I spent half the morning helping my kids by suggesting ways they could each do things for her. Helped my daughter make her breakfast, suggested my son take her outside to play a little wiffle ball with him etc., but I stayed away from her. In the after noon she left for a few hours taking the kids to her moms house. When she left I was on the couch just doing my own thing. She came up to me letting me know they were leaving and then reached down and gave me a hug and said thank you for making this the best Mother's Day ever. I just said your welcome, happy Mother's Day.
Now I'm outside watching my kids play and enjoying the beautiful weather while writing you folks lol. Gotta refocus, tomorrow's a new day of DB'ing.
My 11 year old is taking the news pretty hard. He has teared up quite a few times since Friday. He's a sensitive kid, always has been. Gonna look into getting him into counseling
Haha I need to stop giving her credit for being a good person! So I ran to the store to grab stuff for the kids lunches. As I came home something told me to stop and pull over before the house. I walked to the back of the house and looked in where she was sitting. I had never done this before. Yep, she was texting the EA guy. That she said she stopped. I saw her scroll back and it has probably never stopped. They were talking about sexual thing he would do to her.
This is the woman who told me to never cheat on her during out marriage, and if I felt I wanted to, to divorce her first. She's such a joke! Unbelievable. Who did I marry?
I gotta say I think I had my first "spiritual" intervention last night. When I was coming home from the store I took a different way than is the straight route. Just thought it was still nice out and I could keep my mind off everything while being out of the house for a few extra moments. I turned down a road and glanced up at the name of the road and it was "Scotch". I actually cracked a smile. And then to come home and have this urge in my gut to stop before the house and walk to the back like that, something I could have done before and never felt the need to, kind made me feel like someone wanted me to see what was going on. Maybe give me clarity on why moving out of this relationship isn't a bad thing...
So this was about 9pm or so at night. I came in, put the groceries away and went straight up to bed. I guess I should have said goodnight to her because either that or the guilt of what she was doing caused her to come up stairs after me. She came in the bedroom and I was getting into bed. She asked whats wrong and I said I don't want to talk about it right now, I'd like to process my feelings first. So for the next 2 hours or so she raged. Getting extremely angry at me trying to force it out. Not letting me sleep. Pulling the blankets off, grabbing the pillows, things like that. She even held me down at one point when she thought I was going to get up. She turned into a sweet person at one point asking "please tell me" very softly. I just kept repeating I need to process my feelings and don't want to talk at the moment. She went back to rage mode and started saying if I don't tell her now this will get ugly. I kept saying, I'm sorry you feel that way but I need time.
She brought up me needing to be honest with her and added she was being honest with me. (I guess honesty has a different definition these days).
She finally went to the door and said it again and added if I don't tell her right now she is calling a lawyer. I repeated myself one more time and she left.
I felt really sad watching her do this. Sad that she was losing control of herself. Sad that she was is still lying to me and doing things behind my back. It really made me see her in a new light.
Now she's back to completely ignoring me.
I'm trying to get myself mentally prepared to get served. I have a feeling that she will file in the near future. I'm sure that will be a rough day!
I found a divorce support group in my area. They are meeting at the end of this month. A bit nervous but it will be nice to talk to more people about whats going on.
Scotch,
What night does it meet?
May be interested in that myself.
Fin,
Here is a link to check the group out...
http://www.meetup.com/The-West-Suburban-Divorce-Support-Group/It seems like they meet on different nights. I'm planning on going to go the the May 24th meeting at Traverso's in Naperville.
I was told of another one that I need to check into to.
http://www.newbeginnings-naperville.comI was told of 2 people who went here and had good experiences.
We sat down together last night for about an hour to discuss what we need to do to sell the house. She kept making comments like can't we pay someone to do that? Or this is gonna cost a lot. Yes it is gonna cost a lot and take time I told her. I was a calm talk. I acted like I was ok with moving forward with everything. We had a brief talk about her going to the doctor for some issues and that was it.
Talk went well for something I don't want to talk about.
Everytime we talk, and I don't agree with what's she's saying, or ask her questions, she immediately gets emotional, says I'm trying to control her and walks away. How can I talk to her like this?
Everytime we talk, and I don't agree with what's she's saying, or ask her questions, she immediately gets emotional, says I'm trying to control her and walks away. How can I talk to her like this?
Why are you talking so much right now. Try drinking a STFU smoothie, listen to her IF and ONLY if she wants to talk. If she wants to sell the house, let her do everything. You don't need to come up with a list of what needs to be done or call an agent or anything else.
Take this time to work on you, focus on you and worry about you!!!! If she decides to sell the house then when you HAVE to sign something or look for your own place do so but DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES PUSH THESE CONVERSATIONS RIGHT NOW!
If you always want to bring up/talk about the future she will see that as pressure/controlling. Step back for a while.
Twinmom she is coming to me to talk about what she feels needs to be done. Selling the house, splitting assets etc. At this point I'm listening and adding my opinions. I'm trying to not have to have lawyers involved if possible. This is why I am listening and adding comments. I feel if I shut her out when she tries to talk, won't that just send her to the lawyer and cost me 10k at then end?
Twinmom she is coming to me to talk about what she feels needs to be done. Selling the house, splitting assets etc. At this point I'm listening and adding my opinions. I'm trying to not have to have lawyers involved if possible. This is why I am listening and adding comments. I feel if I shut her out when she tries to talk, won't that just send her to the lawyer and cost me 10k at then end?
Then listen and validate where appropriate. Learn to use a lot of uh huh, I see, I understand where you are coming from, & that's certainly something to think about...........
So basically if she comes to you and says, "we need to sell the house so we can each have our own place" you might respond with "that's certainly something to think about" or "let me know if there is something specific you need me to sign or do"
Don't do the "heavy lifting" of the divorce out of fear it will cost you $$. If she wants a lawyer nothing (including trying to reason with her) will stop her. If you want mediation then start that process yourself.
It DOES come across as controlling when you try to convince her to see through the fog. You may have her best interests at heart but it only comes across to her as controlling.
I feel like I'm on the edge of causing myself greater financial damage in this.
If you are very worried about money. Then start mediation. Split assets and come to a financial agreement.
While DBing, I'm trying not to lose site of the fact that this may go all the way through. And if so, to make sure financially I'm not screwed, as much as thats possible.
When she comes to me with this stuff, I just don't want to have a stone wall, which would force her to go through a lawyer from the start. I know no matter what we will need to have one at the end to check over each of our wants, more importantly mine.
I had 1 phone consultation with a lawyer and I think I need to have a few more to make sure I'm not caught in a bad spot and not prepared
Scotch, you need to look at the financial side of divorce as a business deal. Take the emotion out. Start mediation if you feel that will protect you.
Divide assets and debt now, come to an agreement on how house proceeds will be split and go from there. You will have a very hard time being "neighborly friendly" and detached if you are worried about financials.
So decide what you are MORE worried about, detaching & remaining friendly or saving $$$$.
I guess if I consider what I'm more worried about, at first I think saving my marriage. But if I'm honest about where we currently are, it pretty clear shes going to go ahead with this, which means I should focus on the divorce itself.
I have found out that the EA guy is on his way back to Chicago now. He's moving back here. Should be here by this weekend. Thats going to make this more complicated for sure!
Also my W had a friend call her in the early hours of Monday to tell my W her husband was killed in a car crash. She told me about it Monday before I left for work and has since been civil to me. I guess her attention is now directed elsewhere. Maybe this can be a new perspective even if this continues to go forward
Hi Scotch
Just caught up on your situation as I am mostly on the newcomer board but since I have come to the realization that my STBX had an EA to help her out the door and once filed for D a PA affiar, I decided to also visit this board.
You are in a tough spot in terms of to DB or protect yourself. I only say this becuz i know and went through it
I wanted to keep the faith that I could resurrect my R and get to a new place but she said she was done. I tried to DB a bit but she said divorce and I had to protect myself. I am screwed financially but thank goodness didn't listen too much to my heart and move out. That would have been the kiss of death
So while I hope you can turn things around, if you really feel it won't happen you need to figure out plan B and get a good lawyer! whatever you do, don't move out of the house!
rich4j,
Thanks! I've had many people tell me not to move out and have read that a bunch of places as well. So at least I know I can't do that. She mentioned it once about if I was gonna move out and I said no, this is my house.
It's apparent that this isn't going to be turned around any time soon. At least at best, years down the road. So having said that, I do need to get to more consultations so I have someone ready.
The EA got here last night from Houston. I'm 99% sure she went to see him, she didn't get home until 11:45p.
You CAN do both, but you have to realize that the divorce is a business deal and DB'ING is more about YOU!
Think of it like this. You and your neighbor work for competing companies, you still smile & wave as you see each other. Still say0, "Hey, did you catch the Cubs game last night?" (And if you tell me you're a Sox fan that might be the first problem you correct, lol)
What goes on socially with your neighbor has nothing to do with your jobs. Make divorce the same, hire a lawyer or mediator and make a list of assets/debts and go from there. No emotion.
twinmom,
THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME A LAUGH! I'm a Cubs fan!
Just did a phone consultation with a lawyer and she sees no reason I couldn't get 50/50 visitation. Made me feel much better!
One of my twins throws the biggest tantrum when we take down the W flag. She stood in front of the tv the other day screaming, "come on get with it, i want to put the flag back up"
twinmom,
THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME A LAUGH! I'm a Cubs fan!
Just did a phone consultation with a lawyer and she sees no reason I couldn't get 50/50 visitation. Made me feel much better!
Honestly, the reason your M is failing is because there is more than two people in it. It really is that simple. If you can't get the A, or A's, ended then you don't have a chance. Really detach (you haven't done that yet, not in the least), really do GAL (you've done very little of that), and really move on.
I guarantee she still loves you but she's lost in the fog right now. You've let that go on too long and now the douche bag has moved there, probably to be with her. A's must be ended by any means necessary for people hoping to save their M's. My wife's A was blow to smithereens in epic proportion by the OM's wife. It was very epic and it worked.
When did my wife stop all the BS and start acting human again? When I really truly gave up on her, got my sh*t together, and had her served with D papers. Snapped her right out of it.
Tx,
Agree with pretty much all of that. I've done a little GAL, but can do more.
I thought I had the A stopped at one point until I found that she had a new hidden app to talk to him on recently. And I now think he was moving back here no matter what. It seems as though his dad was having cancer treatment in Houston and thats why he was there, and finished that a week or 2 ago.
I don't know what "by any means" consists of at this point. I do have kids, and the two I worry about is the 17yr old step daughter and my almost 12 year old son who are both on social media too. So posting something to get light on this might not be smart if they see it. What does that leave me as far as getting it ended now? Confront the jerk? Confront her again? Just completely detach?
I agree 100% ,I have 0% while he is around or talking to her. And even a very big chance a D would be ugly because of him. The little bastard sent her a mothers day card. If thats not sick in the head I don't know what is!
Her birthday was Sunday. I had been thinking about what I would do especially with the kids. I decided to have them all draw her a card and that was it. This is definetly not normal. I always buy them gifts to give her. I know she was annoyed. When she realized. We had baseball games for my son until mid day. After th e games my 17 yr old came to me and said mom wants her car detailed for her bday. I said ok but that's not something I'm doing she said, but I don't have money. I said I'm sorry, I don't know what to tell you
On the way home a bunch of th baseball families were stopping for lunch and asked my son and I. I coach on the team. I asked her if she minded and she said no. 15 mins after we were gone she texted me this...
Just for the record I think it's super selfish of you to have done this! It's MY birthday and you bet ill remember this for future! You should have NEVER put me in that position because obviously he all ready knew about it and IM not going to be selfish! So YOU should have said you guys can go next time and you should have told him that he should be with Me on my day! I guess you have just set the tone on how you will be handling things in the future! Selfishly as always and I should have never expected anything different! I hope you enjoy your [censored] lunch!!!!!!!!!!
I responded with...
I'm sorry you feel that way. I did ask you because I don't know what all you were doing today. You could have said no and I asked you with Matthew not there. And I continue to make sure the kids acknowledge your days and get you something when appropriate. Im not sure what you mean by set the tone. I feel like I continue to make sure we stay as a family unit the best we can during this and set a positive tone to the kids in regards to you
She went out last night staying over night downtown with her girlfriend (I don't buy that one)
Sunday night she stayed over night downtown. Supposedly with her girlfriend. While I saw a present from this girlfriend yesterday, I would be a fool not to think he didn't see her, or who knows what else.
We had a confrontation at my sons baseball game this weekend. She showed up late from her over night trip and never acknowledged me like she's been doing. I responded with the same. At one point I rounded up the kids to go grab a bite to eat and she got pissed saying I am being rude to her etc., by not acknowledging her in front of the kids and in public. I find this funny coming from her who has done that exact behavior to me.
She definitely seems to be getting more pissed by getting the cold shoulder from me
This is a horrible way to live but honestly there's no consequences for your WW so she has zero incentive to change. She's got the family at home for stability and an OM for fun/excitement/sex. She cares about only herself. All of her arguments with you are about her not being put ahead of everything else. OM is happy to put her first as long as she continues to open her legs. If she cut that off he'd drop her in a second.
As I've said before, you have zero chance of working on the marriage as long as there are more than 2 people in it. You have more than 2 people in yours. This unpleasant life you're living right now will continue as long as you allow it. The power to put a stop to it and find happiness is in your hands.
Tx, I agree 100%. I'm struggling on how to make that happen.
Scotch, you can't force it. You can't control her. You can only control you & make yourself a better person. This will have the most impact on your life.
I agree I can't control her. We haven't talked about the OM at all. She does everything "secretly" and I see her clues she leaves behind. Thats the only way I know its still going on.
I agree with Tx that nothing good happens in my R as long as there is a 3rd party involved. Helpless feeling.
I keep myself busy a lot with trying to collect information that will help me get 50/50 custody.
Friday she told me she retained a lawyer and should have papers done in a couple weeks.
Scotch, your time might be better spent focusing on you.
Got my papers in the mail yesterday UGH. Didn't open them yet. They were sitting on the counter and I left it there.
I'm sorry to hear that Scotch. It's a tough day when that happens for sure. Know this my friend - in time, this will be another bend in the road. M's can and do recover from worse places than yours - whether yours will be one of them remains to be seen. Mine wasn't - but I am doing fine regardless.....it takes time but we get there.
Take care my friend
Sotto,
Very kind words! MUCH appreciated!
Retained a lawyer yesterday. Felt good to get that done. I bit of a relief.
I went for a run last night. Something I started doing a few weeks ago. I came home to find her crying and upset on the front porch. I asked what was wrong and she said our 11 year old got emotional again. I asked what he said and she explained he is upset he is leaving all his friends in the neighborhood. That sucked hearing. She said she feels terrible that she is the one causing his pain. I kept silent when she said that so the moment could sink in with her. Didn't reassure her that "he will be alright". We know thats not true. I sat and listened while she told me. I told her I felt bad for our son and that he's a really good kid.
Is this sinking in for her? I really don't put much faith in that anymore. Maybe just a brief moment of reality before she sinks back in. But it did hurt hearing because for the past few days I thought my son was doing better.
Rough weekend. Father's Day my son had baseball that went until about 3:30pm. It was at this point my W came to me and said she would not be home on Monday (taking step daughter to her college) so i would either have to take the rest of the kids to her moms that night or Monday morning on the way to work. I told her since most of the Father's day was already over, I wanted to spend as much time with my kids so I'll take them in the morning. I don't think she thought I'd take this option because she got snippy and complained that I was going to wake up the kids early in the morning. Then I heard the kids complaining because of course, she had already told them they were going Sunday night to sleep over. Great communication on her part.
When we got home from baseball, she came at me angry. I just kept calm asking why I wasn't a part of the plans before her telling the kids. She said she was making the best plans for everyone. I said no, those where the best plans for you. Then she says she is going out for the so its my problem.
I took the kids to dinner, a park and then for ice cream. Had a great time. Got home around 10pm. I texted her mom to see if it was too late to drop them off at that point figuring it would be easier than the morning. She texted me a half hour later bitching that I waited until 10 to bring them over. I was in bed already and decided to just go ahead and bring them in the morning.
In the morning I texted her mom saying I would be to her in 15 mins with no response. I got to her house and had this feeling. Of course no one answered the door. I tried texting and calling my wife. No answer. She finally called me an hour or so later and first played dumb. Then said that I didn't want them to go to her moms house (a lie) and that I and the Father and I will just have to figure it out.
This meant I had to call in and miss work Monday. I took the time to take my kids bowling and miniature golfing. Ended up being a nice day. But obviously I see how my wife is going to handle this.
So for those reading along I'm not in a good place between myself and my W. Divorce papers filed and now lawyers are involved. It would appear to me this is when "Going Dark" is put into place. I complete disconnect from her except conversations regarding the kids etc.
So things have only seem to get worse. We are fully into the back and forth between the lawyers. She is pissed because I want 50/50 and she feels I don't deserve that. She is still going out at night with OM. At this point I feel she does it partly for him and partly to try and hurt me. I've gone to where I barely talk to her. Mostly text if anything and only about the kids. I don't look at her when I'm home. I ignore her as much as humanly possible. Her and her family continue to make comments to my kids more and more behind my back.
At this point I wish I never had married her. She's is no one I would associate with if it weren't for our past. I am trying my best to remain focused on going forward and not let her know when she gets to me. I wish I could sometimes do the mean things back to her that she is doing to me. Don't have it in me though. I hope I don't get through this and wish I took "shots" at her when I could have. But I know that's only a temporary satisfaction.
Hey Scotch, just wanted to say I read some of your recent posts. Sounds really tough. Dunno what to say. I guess I'm somewhat envious that you're at a place where you don't give a sh!t about your STBX any more. Good that you're not retaliating and taking the high road. It's probably the best thing you can do for your own self esteem.